girmander

i'm not sure if this is the effects of meditation, weather, knitting, my new gal pals or what.. but i am sinking into my introversion quite deeply. if you met me, you wouldn't know that i was so introverted. you would think i'm an extrovert. but time and time again, test after test.. i always start with an *i* .

i've come to terms with it - i am an introvert. in fact i am so introverted, that i test as an autistic individual. just barely though. autistic is 32 i am 34.

lately though, it's hit me really hard. i've been pretty happy hanging out at the house with the lion, knitting entrelac (ohh squares! i love the math of it!), not talking, and just being. i think that's what i love about meditation the most. just being, observing, and settling into introversion.

the most interesting perception of meditation verbalized to me (just recently) was that of it being a *ego crusher*. that initial statement threw me off guard because i really didn't know what it meant. it literally did not compute and was like a foreign idea for an everyday object.

for example, take a pbj sandwich - you eat/smell it. say i came up to you and said why don't you wear it as a hat? doesn't make sense, i'm smoking crack right?

so, when it was explained to me of what was meant by the statement, it was then one of misunderstanding of the fundamental point of meditation. it's not about "don't think about anything". it's about being with yourself for that moment. any thought, emotions and physical feeling that arrive should be acknowledged and just experienced and NOT acted out upon. if you feel uncomfortable, acknowledge it, maybe move around to alleviate it. but don't sit there and *mind bitch* for the rest of your meditation of why your knee hurts. if you were to let that happen, the subsequent feeling that may arise are 1. self defeat 2. anger 3. sadness 4. bitterness 5. anxiety. why go there? when you can just move and keep on keepin' on?

ahh... new phrase: mind bitch. love it!

anyways, this *introvertedness* has been put to the test. i just spent freakin' 4 hours yesterday with 7 girls all under the age of 6 running around and of course the only baby boy ( who's not even 1 yet). do i want children? this is a documented emphatic declaration - no! *don't try to persuade me, if you know what's good for you...*

so why did i subject myself to this mental assault? yesterday was chinese new year and all my cousins and their kids (second cousins?) came over to my parent's house. it was definitely something special. i can't place a name to it yet. but calamitous chaos is a good one. i see the whole premise of mean girls being played out in a couple of years.

so, i came home. and to calm myself what did i do? knit some more squares and did my taxes. i know most people dread the thought of taxes. but, crunching numbers and doing repetitive things (aka knitting) soothe me.

and.... that's why i'm a programmer.