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December 27, 2009
Responsibility
As search engines have gotten better, it becomes much easier to find anything about anyone at any time. Somewhere along the way, this blog was referenced from somewhere else using my real life name... even though you won't find my name, my kid's names, their dad's name or anything but the dog's name in this blog. The rest is search history.
I'm well aware and have been for a long time that this is the case. I can see who hits my blog on what searches and I can see where people are reading from... I've considered password protecting my blog, I've stopped writing recently, I've censored, for months and years, what I've written about... not always writing about the point of this blog, facing inward, when it didn't seem appropriate.
Last year around this time, I made a conscious effort to start talking about the very things affecting me on a daily basis. If, dear reader, you've ever stopped to wonder if maybe you shouldn't know these things about me, maybe you shouldn't.
The holidays have been wierd this year. Wierd for reasons I haven't yet discerned... partly my mood, partly that every year I like Christmas a little less... and partly all the other crazy aspects of my life that are new and still demanding energy. It was nice to have a few solid weeks of practice under me... and eating lean proteins is really doing a number on my mental focus and stamina. I'm now reading a lot about food origins and pasture-raised animals.
Today's Rumi (borrowed from 10/8/2008):
Inside this new love, die.
Your way begins on the other side.
Become the sky.
Take an ax to the prison wall.
Escape. Walk out
like someone suddenly born into color.
Do it now.
You're covered with thick cloud.
Slide out the side. Die,
and be quiet. Quietness is the surest
sign that you've died.
Your old life was a frantic running
from silence.
The speechless full moon comes out now.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:08 AM | Comments (5)
December 21, 2009
Practice
That's what I need right now... is just practice. There's so much in that statement and most of it has nothing to do with asana.
I realized tonight how much I actually like being alone. I like eating dinner alone. I like that I don't have to plan my time. When I'm traveling, it's always about managing time. I'm wherever I'm at for a reason and that means I spend my time figuring out what is on my plate for the next day and making sure I'm ready the night before. It's like working on steroids because I juggle so many balls. It's a hard pace to keep up. I like when I'm home that I feel like I can take two hours for yoga and work throughout the day.
I did my whole practice today without feeling like I want to kill myself. I'm frustrated that I can no longer seem to jump through. It is good to be frustrated with something of the sort for awhile.
One of the wierd things about interacting with other human beings is that fine line of boundary that we have in all relationships. I've seen it happen, but rarely, when a sibling relationship or a love relationship really had a no boundaries essence.. usually, at some point, most of us close up. It's interesting to watch the boundaries, not only yours but others, and see how they impact your perception of reality. Sometimes, you can see something in a relationship of someone in your world that maybe you shouldn't see... I've watched a couple of those today. It's been an interesting day.
Jai Hanuman.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:19 PM | Comments (1)
December 17, 2009
Nerves
I did my second series poses for the first time in a long time at practice on Tuesday. My brain has not yet come back to front and center. I have accidentally deleted appointments, missed calls, forgot important events... I've been, in the sum of words, a total space cadet.
I got to thinking how the experience of second series really requires not only the time to practice but the time to actually process the effects. With the job I have, I don't have that kind of time. It's not that I lament this. I had a lifestyle that afforded me the opportunity of a 6 day a week practice and my body and my calmness shows the difference... but that's not life today and I've come to accept that, for right now, the grounding stability of yoga chikitsa actually makes sense.
In some ways, the body is speaking.
Listen.
-----
In practice, I am trying to jump through again. It's one of the things I let go of with the diminishment of my practice.
I decided this year that I wanted to celebrate the Solstice as I have since the year my son was born... celebrating the wheel of the year with some type of handmade gift. It's so much more important to me than buying something for the sake of spending money. I know that the majority of people in my life don't see this difference but it has always made sense to me and I wanted the kids to have this notion... that's it's more than what you "want" which makes this season special... no matter what you might believe. And that, the specialness, no matter which side of the religious arena you sit, is what is God.
So we made peppermint sticks dipped in white chocolate and rolled in dark sprinkles... and homemade Eucalyptus bath salts... tied with a bow. The kids did the making, I did all of the packaging. On Yule we're gonna paint ornaments.
------
Today's Rumi:
We are all of one soul struggling along one path,
and all drunk with the same wine.
From among the two worlds we chose Love alone;
except for that Love there's nothing we adore.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:12 PM | Comments (1)
December 11, 2009
Mhmmm
No practice today... but legs still feel it. It's a great feeling. Instead, I spent 5 hours in front of the web cam, talking. I like presentations and, in general, feel like I'm really good at it but today, the demo Gods were not smiling on me. In fact, it was not a pretty site. I did recover but those moments really throw one off. I've come to realize that my job isn't as deep as it once was... it is about breadth. I now know a little bit about a whole heck of a lot of things. Enough that I can get "deep" when required but I'm not dangerous enough to architect a solution at this point. It's a hard pill to swallow when you begin to feel more like a "sales girl" than a developer.
I am feeling a lot of anxiety over this holiday season. I'm not sure why. I think it may be in part that I just don't feel seasonaly engaged. December, already? I'm not sure if life is moving too fast or if I'm simply not motivated by the Hallmark wheel of the year.
Last night I was turned on to the Nook and, now, I am drooling.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:14 AM | Comments (2)
December 7, 2009
Special Things
I struggled more today with guilt and also something I think might be assertion... asserting myself. I'm really quite content right now with the choices I've made and "where I'm at" even if others aren't as comfortable with the places that has left them. I sometimes try to smooth this path which is, most likely, an effort to release my own guilt rather than the noble idea of kindness I scribe it to.
I had the realization while thinking about this that I'm never going to "want" the things out of a relationship with the opposite sex that I used to want before I was married. All of my ideas about what that is have changed and, in fact, I'm not sure I really even believe in the notion of traditional marriage anymore. This isn't to say that I don't believe in love because I absolutely do but I don't think that the notion of marriage the way it is commonly defined in our society is something I'm really vested in having in my life again. I also believe that the "marriage" that is between two people (of any combination of sexes) can be realized in so many ways besides a piece of paper and a big white dress. I also think this can "look" different for every single combination of couples that there are out there --- and some might include a big white dress or a piece of paper, or just a promise made on a cliff somewhere looking over the ocean.
This leads me to what is at the core of "vows." The core there is really just the promise and the degree of confidence in a promise has nothing to do with where, when or how, the promise was made... only that you have trust in the other person to keep the promise. Or trust in yourself.
The thing that confuses me is that time changes a person, a circumstance, a relationship. So is that trust really in the notion of always communicating and being will to change WITH another person. Is that even possible?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:47 PM | Comments (1)
Sorta Like Therapy
Funny, last night I didn't intend to publish that post. I thought I saved it in draft and was surprised to find I had mistakenly published it. Not a bad surprise... a good one most likely. No need to "consider" whether I'll keep up with blogging.
It's been hard to admit lately that I feel pretty content. I still feel so much guilt over the choices I've made that have allowed me to get to a content stage. I know how silly that sounds but it is true. When I stop and look around, I don't think anything is horrible. I have a great job, I live in a safe place with my needs and wants met, my kids are awesome. I don't have enough time for my family or my friends or myself really but that's a measure of the stage of life, not life itself. Yet, I feel such huge amounts of guilt. TWBD, I don't think he's content... or happy.. and I feel immense guilt over this. I try to let go of this feeling but I've come to think that it is part and parcel of the journey I've had to take... that it just is. I'm also recognizing that it makes it very hard to ignore that guilt when we are together and thus be open to a positive and neutral experience. I continue to try because I think this is important to family... It's like a fish swimming upstream really.
I've been doing an experiment for the past month or so of eating a high lean protein diet. I've cut the majority of sugar and high glycemic foods from my diet and have concentrated on lean protein + vegetables. That feeling of guilt enters into the picture here too. Guilt may be the wrong word... I simply don't like eating meat. When I say that I don't in anyway mean the experience of eating meat. I don't mind that. It is the idea of eating meat that bothers me. The problem is that I feel better when I eat meat. I feel stronger and more stable. I notice that my digestive system works better, my head is less fuzzy, my hormones seem more regulated. I have some theories that perhaps this is just lack of practice... that if I was practicing, I'd naturally move away from meat. This theory has no founding within the historical data that is contained in my life though. Wishful thinking.
The holidays are quickly approaching. I feel differently about them now. I wish they were smaller with less hyper and circumstance. I've always felt like that but I feel the strong pull more now as I find myself busier and busier supporting myself and my kids. I want everything more simple.
Like wanting to make a commitment to blog again, I also want to make a commitment to start reading again. I am often so busy that I just don't read for pleasure...something I've done my whole life. I am beginning a new book, The Gargoyle. So far a strange book... strangely fascinating.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:05 AM | Comments (6)
December 6, 2009
Beginnings
I haven't blogged in a really long time. Months. I started blogging January of 2002 and maintained a consistency in blogging for the following 7 years... I stopped blogging recently because I just didn't feel I could write about anything other than the near non-existent asana practice. I always enjoyed blogging as part of the experience of getting to know myself, not just documenting the everyday passage of life.
I've been thinking about starting to blog again for the past week or so... I'm not sure what I want to blog about. My life is so different than what it has been or what I thought it would be at 40 years of age. I'm a mother of two children. I've been separated from their dad for about 3 years now. Those 3 years have been a major upheaval in lifestyle and internal direction. I've hit lows and highs. I've been worried about myself, I've let myself go, I've become more mainstream... but I'm finally started to find a place of comfort. It feels like the next part of my life is finally beginning.
Practice has not been my priority. I sometimes feel a distinct sense of sadness for the amount of time I had for practice before. In today's world, spending 3 hours to do yoga every single day is a rarity. I sometimes dream of having a simpler life... taking a job that affords me the ability to practice, to do something that achieves a greater good but I've come to accept that I do what I do because I'm really good at what I do and I like what I do and what I do is part of who I am. What little I am practicing feels pretty good. I've gotten better about home practice lately but I'm definitely not at the physical capacity I was once. I have been practicing the Hanuman Chalisa and I'd say I'm like 1/3 of the way through memorizing it. You can chant in your head on an airplane!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:46 AM | Comments (3)