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May 28, 2009
Things I Love
There's this person that I just really don't like. I can't think of a single other person that I feel this way about. I don't like this person. I don't like anything about them and from the moment I met this person, slumped and bragging against a pillar at a conference, the energy was just very unnatural. This person is no longer in my life, thankfully, but when I hear things about this person now, it always amazes me how every action I see or hear only reinforces the queasy wierd feeling the energy ripple gives me.
To shake it off I've decided to list a few things I loved about today:
- I was really busy at work. So busy there is no other option but to stand up and take notice and figure it all out. No matter how overwhelmed.
- I had a really important call at work and I really had NO idea what I was supposed to talk about. So I let the other people start and listened and then said "This might be a really dumb question but..." and it turned out what I was thinking actually made sense and was valuable.
- My daughter ate an entire bag of kelp this afternoon.
- I took the kids summer clothes shopping at Tillys. The Son grabbed two pairs of shorts and was "bored" the entire rest of the time while his sister picked out 50 things and had to weedle it down to just a couple outfits.
- After we got home, The Daughter tried all her clothes on, mixed and matched and finally, hand on hip which is jutted out proclaims, "This is SO the outfit for tomorrow!'
- Tonight we decided to watch So You Think You Can Dance together. We were always wrong in judging the "good" from "bad" dancers.
- During SYTYCD, I pulled out the Voyager Tarot. The kids wanted to paticipate so they drew a card and I read the passage... they loved it and, strangely, the cards they pulled were very interesting.
Peace out.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:06 AM | Comments (3)
May 25, 2009
People
People consistently amaze me. Some in spiritual ways. Those souls you can feel the energy within, the light shines through them. Some in professional ways. You get who they are at the professional level and that's it. Some in friendly ways. Some in loving ways. Some in familiar ways. I would say as we become closer and closer to someone in a loving way, we begin to "know" certain things about them. For example, I know my 8 year old daughter will NEVER turn down something sugary and eat the whole thing even if she has to sneak it under the bed in her room. Same way as I know my friend Andrew will always pick up the phone for me. No matter how many months it's been since last we spoke or how many years since last we saw each other... anytime, anywhere, he'll answer the phone for me. I haven't talked to Andrew in months, maybe I should give him a call.
But as we form these notions about people, we form a notion of trust.. on many different levels. So it always astounds me when one of these notions has the entire being of its contents blown to smithereens (what is a smithereen anyway). Those little sparks are, most of the time, very subtle or not so subtle reminders to release attachments, to live in the moment... but sometimes they are at the core of the relationship you have with that person. One of those notions was blown to smithereens for me this weekend. It was one of those that has me questioning whether I get humankind at all.
No one but yourself knows whether you are cowardly and cruel, or loyal and devout; others do not see you; they surmise you by uncertain conjectures; they perceive not so much your nature as your art. ~ Michel de Montaigne
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:44 PM | Comments (1)
May 24, 2009
No Words
There are no words that could possibly describe thoughts tonight... so I will not try to.
It
Was all
So clear this morning,
My mind and heart had never felt
More convinced:
There is only God,
A Great Wild
God.
But somehow I got yanked from
That annihilating
Realization
And can now appear again
As this wine-stained
Talking
Rag.
~ Hafiz
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:57 PM | Comments (0)
Insanity
Or, maybe, just insane. It's where I've been and where I'm about to go. Next week, there is no room for failure, no room for half-assed, no room for a single mistake. It is do or do and there is no other option. It will be interesting and it will be grounding, to be quite honest.
Yoga has suffered. It may suffer no more. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've been to practice but I haven't been at the top of my game and I've reached the point where it's all in or all out. I've heard the ashtanga yoga practice referred to as many things. One of those things is a metaphor of your life... your body is... strong, weak, injured, fearful, flexible... full of love, hope... filled with peace, anxiety, calm... Stira & Sukha. I think this is very true for me. So it's time to dive in and work all the cracks out...
Today I had a conversation with someone and after it was over I had a near ephipany. There is only right here in this moment. There is nothing else. I recognize this concept fully but there is the world of players in our movie of life. There are the feelings of the people involved, the circumstances, the rent to pay, the groceries to buy, the school plays to attend to, the games to play, the 8 year old slumber parties... I find that I have a really hard time balancing these things with my body is not centered. The chaos of the past couple years is unwinding. It is time for a groove, a stable surface on which to balance. The catch is to recognize the energies that will throw you off.
I need to remember, in the moment, though, way more so than I do now to be mindful. To breathe and let the feelings relax before I speak. I find it most interesting that when I was younger, all of my friends would agree that when something was wrong, I completely clammed up. I worked everything out internally. I let no one in and I didn't talk about it. Somewhere in the past years that has changed... where I find it more theraputic to talk about it both on a circumstance level but also the spiritual evolution naturally included with all of our paths. I'm starting to wonder though if this is just way too open of a place to be. Dare I ask if I should close my heart down just a bit... I'm leaning towards yes and that scares me just a little bit.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:04 AM | Comments (0)
May 18, 2009
With Flights of Angels
I am so happy to be in bed right now. I feel relieved to be between the covers with nothing between me and 8 hours of sleep. I can only pray that I sleep (sleep is elusive with me on a regular basis).
I've had just a great weekend. The NIN/JA show was Saturday night and all of my oldest friends came for it. I've been looking forward to it for forever. It was just as perfect as could be expected. In all respects.
I didn't sleep at all last night for many reasons. My life continues to be so crazy. I mean, it is what it is, it's just life and I've finally discovered it's all the new experiences I'm having, or just the experiences really, that make it so crazy. I'm no longer sure any of it is "bad" so much as tiring. Maybe that just means I'm getting old. After a night of no sleep... when the Yoga Alarm went off, I turned it off... barely able to open my eyes. But when the snooze came on and I picked up my phone and learned the news of Guruji's passing, I hopped out of bed, I put on the shirt I was wearing one of the times I was blessed to practice with him, turned on the stove in the kitchen and laid out my mat.
With gratitude and love, I had a really great home practice. The deep breath of the self when it is alone in the a room. Moved, I sat and chanted the Chalisa when I was done.
Om Namah Shivaya.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:34 PM | Comments (0)
May 14, 2009
Trippin
I woke up this morning with a dream of being sick :( I haven't been able to decide if I feel a little down or if I'm believing it 'cause I dreamt it. I hope it's the latter 'cause I have a big weekend ahead of me!!!
Right after the realization of the dream, came the realization that the thing I have been thinking about first upon waking for the past little while here wasn't there. Score 1 for the day.
I went to practice... did my whole practice. Wierd vibe in the room today. I think the vibe was mine, awareness now of something I haven't been aware of in a long time... myself. I'm not sure whether I think this is an issue and I should take a closer look or spend my time really seeing what the awareness brings with it. There's something to be said for that too.
I had a very different adjustment in kapotasana today. The assistant helped me. I went into it on my own. I have a very strange way of getting into kapotasana but it is the only way that has felt okay since surgery. I put my hands on my hips. I cannot go over the head yet with my arms. Once I can see ground, I put my right arm down (the one that didn't have the surgical problem) and sorta twist my shoulder... then I can put the weight in that hand and put my left hand down... where I then walk my fingers in until I feel something. Anyway... the only adjustment was this really nice push-in and down of my elbows. It really allowed me to walk my own fingers up until I had most of my foot in my hand.
During practice, at some point, I was thinking about the experience of love. I was thinking about how that experience for me is all energy. It's nearly indescribable, it's an exchange of energy with someone that has no words associated with it. Any type of love - motherly, romantic, friendship. This got me to thinking about how rare it is to meet someone and have an instant awareness of the other's energy (not necessarily love, in a much more new-agey, energy way). Then I became aware that monkey mind had set in and I let it go.
So, after practice, when I picked up my phone and saw a Facebook friend request I had the instant realization of energy that totally tripped out my day. Since I didn't know the requestors name and I couldn't see the profile until I drove home, I found it interesting that I was absolutely right when I instantly knew who it was. Not an old friend, not even someone I met in my recent socializations but a passing that occurred, one that had no context behind it. Which picked up the monkey mind of earlier about energy and how we are all so aware of each other's energy if we'd just pay attention. I was right, by the way. Things like that trip me out.
We are all just energy.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:16 PM | Comments (0)
May 13, 2009
Huh
Seattle was as Seattle is... Cold and sorta rainy. This was the first time where Seattle was "just a trip" with nothing else attached to it. I don't really like Seattle. I mean, yea, it's got some cool crunchy granolism but Seattle is just way too, well, dark for me.
I've had some time to start processing the past couple years. I've been purposefully attempting (for better or worse) to remove my personal attachments to the people and things in the last year and simply list the "things" that have happened to me. When I do that, I feel like a big huge schmuck. What have I been thinking?
At the same time, when I watch myself, as a bystander, as I'm going through life I just simply don't have any idea what I'm doing. It's not like I think I should either... it just is what it is... but what I have noticed is that I'm taking absolutely no responsibility for anyone else's actions. You do what you do, you say what you say and I'm simply not worried about what is truth and what is your rightness (if you will). I think it's almost selfish and I'm okay with that for now.
Last night I had one of those nights where after I feel like I've said way too much been way too open... but I also realize I am just like that. I am ALL out there... ALL the time. I don't have the fortitude to be secretive or to hide my feelings or thoughts. I just am, all there, all the time, love it or leave it.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:24 AM | Comments (0)
May 12, 2009
Seattle
My flight to Seattle this time was interesting. I noticed in the car on the way to the airport that I was completely calm internally. Usually I have a slight bit of that wierd fear in the stomach feeling. I really don't like flying. I barely even remember thinking about flying on this trip. It was nice.
It's rainy here and cold. I miss the sun already but it is beautiful here. I love the trees and the general sense of nature that exists here due to the seasons. Tonight a friend drove me up to the top of Cougar Mountain where we just chatted for an hour. I remembered the trails up here where the kids went to camp last year and how beautiful they looked. I think for my conference up here in July I'll bring my hiking boots and take an afternoon hike on a day when I don't have sessions. Talk of my next trip reminds me of how close we are to the Shasta trip. I am so looking forward to the time away.
The LuLulemon yoga mat slips. It's nice and light for travel, felt fine on the plane but one downward dog and the slipping started. This is why I love my Manduka but those simply aren't practical for travel.
Tonight I am mulling over YouTube. The Son made some movies with his flip. They were all very funny and he told me he was going to upload them. One is a collaboration between himself, his sister nad a friend about a haunted playground... another is sock puppet animation... but when I logged in tonight I found that he'd also posted something that was both identifying of his sister and completely without consideration for her feelings. I immediately logged in to his account and deleted it. It had no views... but now I must decide how to handle YouTube. On the one hand, the videos are funny and he's enjoying making movies for the web but he must understand Internet social rules for kids.
As usual, I can't sleep in hotel rooms.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:55 AM | Comments (1)
May 9, 2009
Of Friends and Neighbors
It's been an interesting week. I have finally put my finger on why... because things are getting calm. Not traveling every other week, staying put for longer periods of time.. this is all helping me to feel stable and calm and centered. Yoga isn't any more distant than a Friday moonday. That's very, very good.
Practices are still, just practice... I'm doing my whole practice now at Mysore. Kapotasana was so free and open just last week feels horrible now. Isn't it strange how our bodies go through just as many "emotional rollercoasters" as we do?
I've also started to realize I still have so much to learn and to change the way I think about technology at work. It's a huge challenge that I don't think I appreciated until this past week. I'm trying to completely undo how I think about the technology and apply it, not at the bit level, but at the macro level.
I have some really amazing friends and they are here, where they were before I took a hiatus... and I know that even though I could apologize for working myself out the way I have, it's all okay by them. On Thursday I had such fun! My friends R & C came over. They are very girly and young. They are like the high school cheerleaders that I never hung out with.. all the girls who always dressed fresh and cute and hip, knew how to do nails and hair, put lipstick on after they eat. Only they are really awesome bitches too. I like the "realness." We opened some wine and R was going to dye my hair for me. At some point we were outside letting the dog out when we realized we had just locked ourselves out of the house. It was awesome. R, in 4" heels, broke in through a window (that I had literally just opened before we walked out) and we were saved.
And then the interesting thing happened. I was planning to have a quiet chill Friday night when.... I didn't. It was completely not what I was expecting to go out and do and, yet, it was the perfect thing because it reminded me that there is a whole world out there that I haven't had time to live in for the past couple of years. From the "smoga" dude to the nice lady at the fish store who picked me out two cool angel fish today.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:21 PM | Comments (1)
May 8, 2009
Kinda Lame
That's me... kinda lame and I know it. I think the first measure in change is to recognize the brutality of the truth... and that's about where I'm at right now. This doesn't mean I have absolutely any idea of what the path before me is... it just means I recognize that whatever it has been is no longer.
I passed up an opportunity for employment today that was ideally probably a better role for me, with better pay, with better skill set matching but that the work/life balance or my abilility to feel "stable" for awhile just wasn't there. I'm tired of dealing with chaos and an irresponsibility to living life for some "pay off" in sometime that isn't here yet... so I said no... and I stayed with the promise I made myself when I joined big software company... this is the right place to be, at the right time, for me.
Practice is practice is practice right now. There are no monumental shifts, just the journey back to the place I was within... before I let chaos reign.. before my heart felt like it does at this moment, on this day.
I am woman, hear me roar.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:07 AM | Comments (1)
May 4, 2009
The Only Way Out Is Within
I've been reading this book with that title. It sorta gave me a bitch slap today. Someone else gave me a virtual bitch slap too. It is warranted and necessary but, unfortunately, it also made me realize that I needed to take some major steps of eliminating aspects of my life so I hit the delete key a bunch of times, left the phone in the car and laid my old Mysore rug down on the beach and slept in the sun.
I had to be up at 5am for practice today and start an executive briefing at 6am so I didn't feel bad taking a couple hours in the late afternoon off and after I went to my teacher's Intro to Ashtanga class. It was so very different but a good practice nonetheless.
I have decided I have to stop listening to all the music I've been listening to too. So it will be sanskrit chanting until I find something new to listen to. I'll take suggestions.
Looking forward to the Friday Night Bonfire at Jordheim's, 5/16 NIN/JA (and it couldn't have worked out better to have an extra ticket for Jordheim, we haven't all been together in 10 years I think - okay well, it could have worked out better, but breathe out the past) and 5/8 - STAR TREK people.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:55 PM | Comments (3)
May 3, 2009
Of Rings and Things
I practiced all week. It was nice. I'm starting to feel my body again. I realized after practice the other night that THe Daughter and I didn't take our annual backbend picture. So we took one.
I don't think we'll be able to take a 9 year old version but we talked tonight and that we'd try just side-by-side next.
I'm really enjoying backbending right now. I even did kapotasana like 3 times the ohter night at practice. Willingly. What I'm not really liking is the hips. I think all of my crap is being stored right there and I'm just not really sure I want to go there.
The practice is very grounding but I'm still finding myself floating. I have a definitive resistance to accept life right now. Well, to accept it the way it is. I must make a definitive switch and I think that involves just letting it be. All of it. No thinking. If only there was a way to turn the switch off on monkey mind.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:49 AM | Comments (3)
May 1, 2009
Of Lost Posts
I lost a whole post tonight. My laptop has been blue screening for the past day.
I think my post said something about how I don't even mind kapotasana... how the stability of the practice is being found... how I still have monkey mind, unbound monkey mind.. but how the practice is the equally grounding, stira.
Today, while in supta kurmasana, I actually said to myself "Hello Supta Kurmasana"
All the dramas, they've just manifested to other dramas. It is only during practice that I am free from the drama other than my own internal drama, say, around Bakasana.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:11 AM | Comments (1)