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April 27, 2009
Of Butterflies and Birds
This weekend was beautiful, wasn't it? I really do love Southern California. I dream of living in a simpler place that has a much slower wheel of time or some such noble idea but I do love the weather here. We went as a family to the Encinitas Street Faire. I love getting just a little bit tan. I know, that's horrible for your skin, but it makes me feel alive. Burnt skin and all.
I took some time yesterday after practice and just sat on the beach. I drove up to Carlsbad, laid my old yoga rug down and began reading In Hanuman's Hands. I stayed there at the beach until after the wonderful sunset..
Practice yesterday was lovely.
The offspring and I have decided to do a camping trip. We may also do a family camping trip instead of a trip to Hawaii. I really loved my time up in Woodside, CA so I may look at something up there... or Big Sur... I've always wanted to go to Big Sur. The Henry Miller Library is in Big Sur.
I'm working on a way to reorganize how I work. I feel like I need to be better at prioritizing and learning new things. I'm still learning what I do, how it works, who plays it and all that jazz.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:46 PM | Comments (3)
April 24, 2009
A Big Box
I've decided what my goal is for this weekend. I was looking lovingly at this bottle of Rosemary bubble bath The Daughter made me for Spring. She was so excited to give it to me and she tied this ribbon around it, made a label... I thought about making a bath and floating in the nice smell of love but then I was looking at it and thought about how sweet it is and one of those things that would be incredible to pick up and look at when she is 20 or 40.
I think my mission this weekend is going to be to find a big chest. I want to make it a special chest and have the kids help pick it out.. and then we'll have a place to keep things we think should make the "Big Box." I'm not going to worry about organizing it, just starting with making sure the stuff actually gets in there.
My trip to Seattle was, clearly, just another bump. I don't really know why anymore. It's kinda like when I'm on a plane, I know the turbulence is going to be there but I still flinch (or sometimes jump) whenever it hits. I keep thinking time is going to reduce this instinctual reaction but it never seems to.
I got off the plane today, walked out the door of the airport, pulled out the sunglasses and found myself smiling walking in the lovely Southern California sun to the car.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:31 AM | Comments (1)
April 22, 2009
Of First Steps & No Steps
So the day after you hit rock bottom is always better. I mean, what else can you do but move forward, there's nowhere left to fall down to. In all actuality, I had a good day professionally. I'm consistently amazed that people love me professionally even when I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. What is gratifying about that is that it shows me the strength I feel is missing personally is really all still there just masked by my own fears and insecurities and sorrow.
The wonderfully compassionate and amazing Carl left me a yoga mat AND a rug today. I didn't get home from my last meeting until midnight but tomorrow I have a few hours where I can practice... and that's what I plan to do... 'cause mat time is the only time I know what to do with right now.
Much love to you all... know that I am loving myself... even if I'm not voicing it.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:25 AM | Comments (2)
April 21, 2009
Of Nothing & More Nothing
Absolutely nothing. I'm at a complete loss. I did the one thing I swore I wouldn't do, I did it and it was more horrible, more soul-killing, more absolutely desperate than I ever could have anticipated it being. It's sorta like an alcoholic who thinks they'll have just one more sip... but the sip isn't good enough. Fortunately, the glass never came close to my lips... unfortunately, it didn't really matter, the smell was enough to overwhelm my senses.
I must get back to some semblance of stability and inner peace... and I think I need to do that all alone. It's not that the advice of those that love me doesn't hit home, doesn't make sense, doesn't make more than sense... it's that I find myself completely out of control of my emotions and, more importantly, out of control of my heart.
Inner peace. More Hanuman Chaleesa. That's what I should have stayed doing at 4:30 today instead of making what was probably the second biggest mistake of my life.
Jaya Hanuman.
I'm tired of my own pity party.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:15 AM | Comments (0)
April 20, 2009
Of Belief & Disbelief
I woke up to another horrid dream. WHAT is with these dreams? This one involved suicide. There were only a couple of other times in my life when I had dreams this vivid and, what I would call, more violent and both of those times I was pregnant. In fact, it was one of the first ways I knew I was pregnant... I'm very happy to say that that is not possible unless there really is immaculate conception so the dreams really trip me out.
I laid around and tried to convince myself to go to yoga. I had a completely emotional outpouring on the way. When I got there, I saw an old friend and nodded hello (any words and I would have broke) and waited for the doors to open. I always practice in the same spot on Sundays but today I went an hid, literally. It was a tough practice, very emotional but in a strange sort of way. I gave about 20% of effort in back bends. Spent.
Tonight's Rumi:
A night full of talking that hurts,
my worst held-back secrets. Everything
has to do with loving and not loving.
This night will pass.
Then we have work to do.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:36 AM | Comments (0)
April 18, 2009
Of Grape Juice & Pools
I have a movie to watch tonight. It should be funny and I'm hoping it will take my mind off how I feel in general. I need to numb out for awhile.
I went to Intro to Second last night but I was trying my experience with the sports bra and, unfortunately, I hurt myself in Pasasana and didn't want to really finish... so I did what any good yogi would do, I sat out in the lobby and gossiped for an hour while I waited for the beautiful Kati to finish for our glass of wine date.
Thank God for Kati. Thank you Kati.
Last night I blogged. I typed a blog post that told every little last bit of my life for the last two years (it was quite lengthy) and then I deleted it. However I got here, I'm at the point in my life where if I could, if there really were a WABAC machine, I'd get in it without a second thought. I feel like I was at a point in my life where I was finally doing all the right things, making large changes to address who I was and who I've grown to be.. and then boom, I got bowled over by this huge rush of energy and the tail just went by. I, guess, in many ways that's exactly what happened.
Since I feel this way, I find it important to try to find anything that I feel has happened over the course of the past 1.5 years that I've learned, or some way in which I've grown... and I'm sorta struggling with that which scares me. I look in all the avenues: work, yoga, health, kids, etc. but I continue to struggle. I yearn to go sit on the side of a mountain somewhere. I need to plan a trip to somewhere, somewhere very soon.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:01 PM | Comments (4)
April 16, 2009
Of Drama & Patience
I decided today that I may be too open of a person. I'm not really a very good mask of anything... if I'm happy, you know it... if I'm sad, you know it. I am pretty good at work, no one there would know anything about me which I like, I've always liked the separation of church & state when it comes to work & life. I think I need to have more psychic protection though.. be less out there with my emotional being and much more close to the heart. I think digital media plays a big focus in this affront to the spirit... I am feeling this thought out.
The past week has been kinda a rough one. I'm broken and not broken at the same time. I'm coming to the realization today, though, that I really haven't had any grace. My reactions this week have been emotional and irrational, in large part.... though that does not mean that they aren't justified. Venus turns direct tomorrow...
Tonight I plan to snuggle in bed with a new book... or three...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:29 PM | Comments (1)
April 15, 2009
Of Highs & Lows
Today has just been a day. Just one of those days that I knew was coming. From the dreams upon waking to the dog at the vet to the entire pack of Pill Pockets that the dog got into and decided to eat entirely... and the subsequent 3 hours she was alone in the house afterwords when her belly didn't agree with that... so when I found out at 4 that I was gonna be able to make first series tonight.. I didn't hesitate. There's that spark for me... there's nothing better for me to doing. Absolutely nothing better. I've been really drawn to practicing in the corner by the Hanuman statue but, during Mysore, that's someone's spot and I haven't want to share it. But, tonight, with a light class, I took the opportunity and it was lovely. Even more lovely was the newfound freedom in forward bending when I don't wear the restrictive bra. It's truly amazing. I have to figure out how to deal with the part that doesn't feel good but I think the payoff is worth it.
It used to be that MariB was my pose where I just went within.. that went away for awhile but it's definitely back. I bawled in MariB today... I didn't even do the vinyasa in between sides... and I enjoyed it... I enjoyed just letting the tears come... there with just Hanuman where no one could see. It's no wonder I was drawn to the spot.
I'm in the market to find a good yoga messenger bag with the mat straps on the outside, large enough for my laptop and a good book for my trips to Seattle. The objective to have one carry-on that includes my yoga mat and laptop and another that includes my suitcase. I've been spoiled up to now and not had to worry about it.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:50 PM | Comments (1)
April 14, 2009
Of Beginnings & Ends
Today was the first day I've done my whole practice in a really long time. I needed to do it. It didn't matter that I had to be on a web cam delivering an executive briefing at 11am and that practice didn't start til 9am today. I was in, I was doing my first surya namaskar far before anyone else had mats down and salutations made and I was out with a short finishing at 10:35.
I think I felt that I needed to do my whole practice from a very personal and also very physical perspective. I also did a little experiment today. I normally wear a very constricting sports bra for practice. I do this because it helps me feel capable of doing a chatarunga or bakasana or headstand.. the way the implants and the restructured breasts feel just isn't right without it.. however, I started noticing the other day that they really do restrict my ability to fold all the way forward so today I wore a regular sports bra and the difference was dramatic. Forward bends felt somewhat normal again, the breasts while not as much as before, definitely gave a little bit and allowed me to fold forward more... on the other hand, ever single chatarunga was an exercise in "pain" - not like knife cutting pain but a distinctly uncomfortable feeling.
I woke up this morning to a horrible dream. It involved someone I really care about being not a good person... but I didn't remember the dream. I didn't remember it until I was standing up from my second dropback... and I had the image flash into my mind, which I thought was fairly focused, right as I was coming up. I nearly fell out of standing up but managed to pull it up and take some very heavy and large steps backwards. It did not go unoticed.
I also took today to relieve myself of some stress I was carrying around with me on behalf of someone else. All in all a productive day.
Tonight, some Hafiz:
How
Did the rose
Ever open its heart
And give to this world
All its
Beauty?
It felt the encouragement of light
Against its
Being,
Otherwise,
We all remain
Too
Frightened.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:00 PM | Comments (1)
Of Mice And Men
Easter Sunday was absolutely beautiful in San Diego. I started off at first series, much rewarded with a hot steamy room. My hamstrings are still jacked up though so it's more like putting on a brand new pair of jeans you are sure will break in a bit rather than the old comfy pair that really did break in.
I had a lovely weekend of girl time that started with a sleepover party Friday night... and then my ex-nanny on Easter Sunday for a few bottles of champagne. It was transformative in that the questions girls ask, the presentation of the facts being repeated to you, well, its hard to ignore... and so the mantra began for me... of what turn the path was taking.
And I took the turn. It's been like a huge relief to be honest. I know that sounds batty to any of you whom have actually known a bit about the particulars of life that I don't really write here (because, again, the lesson isn't in the details)... but, it's true. I mean, don't get me wrong, there's the grief and sorrow that is associated with any major change in one's life that involves relinquishing a dream or a story we've told ourselves... but, at the same time, I think the many, many signs from God that I've simply ignored stacked up enough that I could no longer see past it.
Once you release a particular attachment (to an idea, a story, a dog, a rat, a gnat, a person), you realize all the small ways you've enabled this particular illusion to dig roots into your life. It's almost like a moral inventory. Anyway, someone said something to me the other day at the Hanuman Jayanti Satsang.. "I didn't realize someone could be that spiritually sick." It actually all started there... with the realization that, yea, someone can. I can.
So I'm determined to stick with the practice, the transformative power that this practice can have and, more importantly, the grounding and connection to the divine. This also means when I travel. Next week Seattle... I need to figure out a place to leave my yoga mat.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:57 AM | Comments (0)
April 8, 2009
Pain, Pain Go Away
Well remember I said wasn't feeling incredibly weak? I'm not... but I am sore... very, very, very sore. Today was probably hands down the worst practice I've ever had. I literally thought my hamstrings might break in half. At some point they loosened up somewhat but practice was just never anything but an utter dread of every movement I made. From the nice red lobster sunburn I have down one half of my body to the heart that I REALLY don't want to open up right now (believe me, we don't want me to open it up right now)... but I was there. I got up at 6am and I had the fleeting discipline to actually show up... if only for an hour.
I'm not sure what the practice is for me right now. It's definitely not about asana at all... in fact, I'd go so far as to say I think it is about just being... I need to be home more. I need to reprioritize and make sure that I'm doing what I have to do to be successful for my career but not doing things that take me away from San Diego for any type of pleasure (and, yes, I mean any type of pleasure). It's taking quite a beating. It means releasing some of the friendships I've built or, rather, changing them to fit into a world that isn't half spent in another state. Some of my friends have noticed already and some just don't seem to get the importance of having a solid and steady landing base. I have no idea how flight attendants handle life!!! The inventory doesn't stop at friends either... it's extracurricular work things I was doing ... relationships with certain teams, user groups, etc.
But I'm standing strong and I am doing this... I am regrounding and refinding and redoing... and everyone's support is amazing.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:44 PM | Comments (2)
April 5, 2009
Dread, Fear and Forgiveness
I went to first series this morning at the studio. I was not filled with utter happiness. I was expecting quite a lot of emotion. All kinds of emotion. And I got it. From the moment I saw my teacher, to a friend I hadn't seen in years to facing down the practice at the front of my mat.
Let's be honest, the first day is always awesome. It's like being out past curfew when you're a kid but then something happens and you get scrared, run home and feel so amazing at the house waiting for you but dreadful at the fact you are now caught outside past curfew.
So the practice was fine. I don't feel horrifically weak and horridly incapable but that's just the physical. In the real practice, I had to keep reminding myself to breathe and I spent the entire first part of the practice telling myself that I wasn't going to really try at backbends. I didn't want to feel THAT. Please no backbends.
In the end, once we got there, backbends didn't feel horrible. I stood up on the 3rd but never quite got open through the heart. I held back tears basically the entire practice.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:30 PM | Comments (1)
April 4, 2009
Relationships
I think I'm getting old. The trip to NYC really depleted me. The kids and I went to Julian today and on the way back I hit a wall. I took a 2 hour nap.
Tonight I read a poem that really took me away. Really made me see something about myself. I had been pondering the nature of relationships. Again, not romantic relationships necessarily, just all relationships. How do we define our peers, our acquaintenances and is it really necessary to have definition at all?
I'm on a spring cleaning if you will. Evaluating the minimum of things I must do to feel like life is more manageable than the two separate lives I've been living. It's an interesting process because I find myself categorizing much like I did the weekend I went through the hundreds of CDs I own, burning them all digitally: whole CD, a few songs, not worthy...
On the one hand, I think the questioning is pulling me out of living and pulling me into my head too much. On the other, if I don't get some traction on simplification, yoga, the grounding force I must find (whether by asana or not), is just not gonna happen.
Pink Floyd has a way with words.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:33 PM | Comments (2)
April 3, 2009
Ah... Home
I had a few interesting experiences over the past week. All of them are things that I just wouldn't talk about in my blog In the end, nothing really matters to me right now except that I need to be home. I need to stop traveling as much as I am, ensure I'm traveling only when necessary and be home. This means I must be more political, more subjective, more fierce and more realistic. It means really looking at the strings in front of you and only pulling on one of them.
Don't me wrong, I'm not evolved enough to not still tug at the other strings, to not still try to unwind the knot at the top but I just can't worry about it anymore. It has to be kids, work and having enough time in one place to have a realistically supportive environment with the people around me, with my body, with my mind.
I feel sorta like this is the last little tug on the year that I've been through and, to a larger extent, the last 2 years of my life. Even if some of those things are things I don't really want to let go of. Most people immediately read that sentence and jump to the personal relationships amongst us. I think this is a side effect of the social networking the Internet has brought to surface. But if one does an inventory of their life. When there is something to learn, some place to stop and find oneself on the journey, the little break on the rock on the side of the trail, there are many ways the universe is trying to shake you awake. For example, one of those things right now is the realization that I probably won't write code unless I have a desire to do so on my own time again and I'm just not sure how I feel about that. I feel very much like letting go but holding on. It could be a metaphor for many other aspects of life as I know it today.
I went to see my doctor while I was in NYC. I found out that I was #32 to get the surgery that I had and that they've completely changed the procedure since I had it to make it stronger from the beginning. I got to ask him all kinds of questions about the things I've discovered that I just can't do anymore (like chatarunga). I do a form of them but not correctly... or how Bakasana just does not feel like a good pose for me. He assured me that I could not break the implant but he also explained that in the newer procedure this is not a problem for the patients. It was an interesting reaction on my part... it almost made me feel like I've been running from the realization that my physical capabilities have been changed by the surgery I had and I need to accept that.
Acceptance can be a very peaceful and loving experience.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:41 PM | Comments (2)
April 2, 2009
Mile High Club
So I'm flying at somewhere above 30,000 feet right now. Virgin America simply rocks. First class can extend my legs straight, WiFi in the air... if you have to fly this far, it's the way to go.
The week in NYC, awesome. Had so much fun presenting to some of our biggest customers in the world. I like the customer facing part of my job... it's awesome.
I didn't get to use the mat. I was so completely jet lagged... going to sleep at 2:30am, getting up at 7 for meetings. My body might not be the same for a week.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:56 PM | Comments (1)