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January 25, 2009
Bloody Forehead
I've spent a lot of time testing beta code. In fact, it was fun and I'd really enjoy the opportunity to live on that cutting edge line again... it's just that my job is no longer to do that... and, yet, I'm faced with doing just that. My issued laptop doesn't even have a CD-ROM drive... I'm not cut out to work on development.
My head isn't just bloodied on software and technology... it's bloodied on the lessons I just keep repeating... over and over... like a broken record. My friends will all recognize it... it's the repetitive pattern of failure that I haven't let go of... in so many respects. I'm so very tired.
It seems like if I could just let go of everything that things would just ride along for awhile... but it seems like letting go of everything is just too scary.
We are up in the mountains... kids and TWBD snowboarding...or, rather, attempting. Yesterday The Daughter fell through some ice... it was drama... she was in there for awhile before a nice snowboarder came and helped me get it out... but I was surprised at the number of people who walked on by.
I'm ready... for the world to change... for people to notice people again... for me to learn my lessons.
Now cracks a noble heart. Goodnight Sweet Prince,
and may flights of angels sing thee to thy dreams. ~ William Shakespeare
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:32 PM | Comments (0)
January 16, 2009
Killing Moon
I've been working so much but I don't think on what I'm supposed to be working on. I still feel somewhat over my head at this new thing... on all fronts. I keep feeling like I haven't even broken through the stack.
Practice today started off with my hamstrings so tight, I couldn't touch the floor without pain. I warmed up quickly though. I did all of primary again. I had many yoga fairies visit me during dropbacks today both unassisted and assisted. When I came up from the last unassisted I was seeing stars and the assistant looked at me funny. I said "oh just needed to get my brain back" and he said "maybe you should just let it go for this" ;)
The weather is so amazing right now. I love putting on a tank top and flip flops. The weekend is supposed to be equally amazing. I think the weekend is going to be interesting... at best.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:05 AM | Comments (1)
January 15, 2009
Shiva, Shiva, Shiva
So various people I know had decided to go raw for a month in the New Year... it wasn't just one set of people even... someone professionally, the Seattle-ites, someone from yoga... it was suddenly surrounding me. So one day last week I thought "Well I'll just add some raw foods in and have some fun with it." Only, we all know I'm a bit of a 1s and 0s kind of girl... all or nothing. So I've gotten a bit into it. I've been exploring all the new gourmet raw foods that are there. I wish I had a Vita-Mixa and a dehydrator 'cause then I could start experimenting myself but, in the meantime, I'm hoping to make walnut tacos tomorrow... they look amazing. The Greenery Raw Cafe in Leucadia has been furnishing dinner a few times a week. I love the raw burger but the pizza is absolutely wonderful. The thing with me and raw food is that I really love all that stuff but it's expensive to buy and time consuming to make (although I'm itching to make cashew cheese). Right now I feel really great, like I used to when I was raw... but I'm getting a bit airheaded.
Practice yesterday was nice. It wasn't spectacular physically, how could it be... but it was nice. My body hurts today... all those little places we forget about regularly.
This is Shiva. The kids and I helped to rescue this little guy off the streets and we got the okay to bring him home permanently! Shiva is probably 13 weeks old... he's doing really great. He's very vocal, funny and loves to have his belly patted.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:14 AM | Comments (0)
January 12, 2009
Social Networking
In my job I need to do a lot of thinking about the ways in which business operates and how best to size our products within disparate organizational structures and needs and a host of other things. Social Networking has been a buzz word for quite some time... and I've dabbled on the edges of really understanding it's capabilities. The more time, however, I spend on Facebook the more I realize that social networking is changing the way we do business and the way we do life. It's amazing really. If each of you just stop and think of the various "circles" of your life that have merged into Facebook. Your friends, your high school friends, your co-workers, the co-workers of co-workers you met at a conference or something, your *insert favorite past time here, in my case yoga" friends... and at the edges of this social network are the frays of our experiences. Like little worlds that collide.
No yoga yet.. but enjoying food. My muscles feel like they are weights... tomorrow would be a good day to go to asana.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:30 PM | Comments (6)
January 11, 2009
Sitting On A Platform
It's been a crappy weekend. The essential deal is this: I am responsible for a session at a big conference and have little help. The software is new and I'm struggling to get it all installed and working in the manner in which it is supposed to function with all the other software. My job doesn't really entail this type of work and I'm not really equipped to do this type of work anymore... but I've been doing it all weekend. This entails downloading a LOT of data across a slow VPN and repetitively creating ISO images from product downloads and hitting the next button for 3 days. I won't hesitate to admit to being completely frustrated.
I planned yoga today but was so far behind with this "project" that I do not feel I can afford the time. I know I need to reprioritize but I'm sorta having a mini-freakout about being successful at work and how important that is to me now. I've never felt the pressure of having to make my own money before... and it's a very interesting responsibility to digest.
I have however been eating really well! I've had cooked food once or twice in the past 4 days and I've been loving all the changes in raw food specialty food since I was raw before. I always struggled before because I spent so much time chopping and blending and sprouting and yada yada. I really loved it but once I had two kids and a job, it wasn't happening for me. It would be WAY easy to be a raw foodist in 2009. There is amazing good, great, fantastic food out there... but it's way too expensive. With said responsibility, frugality must come.
That didn't stop me from indulging this week though... getting my act together with a little help from my friends... that's how I'm looking at it.
So the food has been amazing. The raw burger at The Greenery are phenomenal... The banana dream cheesecake is better than chocolate.
I had a moment today that made me question my internal strength. There are just those little things we have in our lives you know where we don't really understand them, we're just sorta moving with the flow until we see where we are sitting. When that moment happened today I questioned whether I'm being unfair to myself or just a big fat wimp by continuing to take the path of least resistance.... or, on the other hand, does it really matter if I figure it out. Isn't it just as valid as to keep being in the movement, one with the flow... no matter what the outcome.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:57 PM | Comments (0)
January 10, 2009
Misery
Of the technical kind. I'm at that point where I'm so frustrated by technology and so frustrated and freaked out about what I need to do that I'm barely working. That said, I bought a new computer tonight which I'll be in control of and which I can install all my stuff on (after I copy all the correct versions from there to here)... it will take me all weekend to get to where I should have been on Monday.
I've been eating 70% raw for the last past few days... and then I went to The Greenery tonight. I went and got one of their cheezeburgers. It was flat out amazing.
Yummy.
My blog had it's anniversary this week. Another year... I think that makes 7 years of blogging. Crazy. Crazy how life twists and turns and changes... and yet I still feel like the same person every time I sit down to blog.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:28 AM | Comments (2)
January 8, 2009
Fear
I'm trying to find a groove. The crappy part is that I finally have tangible deliverables at work... I know what I'm supposed to be doing and I can't freakin do it. I am having technical difficulties and nothing I try works. I am totally freaking out and, realistically, I'm not in a role that positions me to do this kind of thing. So, for the first time, I'm freaking out about not being able to perform at work when my livelihood depends on it.
I was planning on going to the studio tomorrow but now I feel so much stress that I feel like I don't have time for anything else. I have been sitting all night drooling over ordering The Box or Pure Raw. Tonight I had a piece of Earth Cafe raw banana dream cheesecake -- and it was better than chocolate.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:58 AM | Comments (0)
January 7, 2009
Slow Careful Steps
That's what I'm taking right now, slow, careful steps. I need to get better at everything and so far I've been doing a good job.... but, I haven't gone back to yoga. I haven't because I know that I can't go back every day right now... not for two more days. I've had movers and appointments and stuff to do and I'm just getting it done. I want it all done so that I can breathe, sit back and get back to life. It's official today, I will be home for over a month this time! OVER A MONTH! It's been over a year or so since the last time I was home a whole month. I'm pretty excited about this but I want to get everything squared away before I relax into the exhale and take the next breath.
Work is going to be crazy for the next month though... but I get to do it from here. I have presentations and cramming for a new product and preparation for a 4000 attendee conference. I'm really starting to feel less frazzled over the choice in my career and more like "Okay, let's get down to business now." I can't believe it has taken me so long to feel like I'm doing something or even that I can do something.. but they say, if you aren't uncomfortable for the first 6 months, you didn't take the right role... I'm definitely still uncomfortable and still have no idea how to manuever inside such a large company but I'm getting there... slowly.
I'm also trying to get back to social life. Making sure I connect somehow with the people who have maintained their steadfast faith in me and continue to be magical in my lives.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:00 AM | Comments (1)
January 1, 2009
Happy 2009
I haven't been blogging much because I just didn't really feel like I could really write about all the things going on for me. I haven't been doing much yoga and the truth is all I really have are excuses. The thing is, the life I've led for the last year has been such a Jerry Springer show (and, let me tell you, I tell that to people I catch up with and they all pshaw me at first... then they hear the actual story and they all say "that really IS Jerry Springer")... not only have I not wanted to blog about it but I didn't feel right to the people involved blogging about it.
I really need to view 2008 as over and done with and that 2009 is going to be a much different experience. It seems like a falsity to say "oh it's the new year, everything is going to be different now" because, realistically, we make our realities and it can be the "new year" whenever you decide it to be.
I'm sitting in my new house right now. I have a coffee table that I've always loved and dishes in the dishwasher. Last night for New Year's Eve, The Best Friend brought over his 3 little girls and my 2 offspring were here.. and we had a big slumber party. We made pasta and ice cream sundaes... we had arts and crafts and movies on the new Playstation 3 (meaning Blu-Ray animation). Everyone slept in sleeping bags in the bedrooms since there is no furniture yet. It was fun.
Now that the majority of my time is going to be here in San Diego again, I feel like I can get back to life. Getting back to life means moving forward for me in so many ways... so that's what I'm doing. TWBD and I have been separated for a year and a half or something and I haven't ever really done anything about moving on in life since during that time I've been in Seattle so much. It feels grounding to have a solid home. The kids seem solid and happy. I've got an awesome job at an awesome company. So it's just coincidence that I moved over the last couple days and the significance of the new year but it's great cause to be resolute.
Happy 2009. Here's to all of you and wishing you all peace, love and joy.
Jaya Hanuman!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:48 PM | Comments (4)