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November 29, 2008
Indecision
So I hadn't really given a lot of thought to the changes coming up in life... I made some provisions sure but just sorta living one day at a time. It occurred to me a few days ago that I hadn't figured out how I was going to get all the stuff from a year and a half of living part-time in Seattle back to San Diego. When I rented this apartment, I bought a mirror (a girl has to be able to look at her entire outfit!) and a couple little tables and some candles... all great stuff that I should bring back for my house here in San Diego. So yesterday I got a wild idea to drive up there last night... get there for my week, pack everything in the car and drive back. I thought about doing it all the way to 9pm and then this morning I debated again. In the end, I found a rental SUV type thingy for what I felt was not more than my time was worth (although I'm still arguing with myself about it). We'll see what I end up doing as I have not thought it out yet.
I spent part of my day just sitting on the couch. I went through a laundry list of other things I should be doing from working to playing to chores to something... instead I just continued to sit there in inertia. I think this was good for me... to just sit.
The lows are getting fewer and farther between now. I'm starting to feel a lot of positive energy around me and solidifying a stable life/work balance.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:52 PM | Comments (2)
November 25, 2008
Revelation
I for some reason am thinking of the song Celebrate (you know, celebrate good times, come on...) but with the word revelation...
So revelation appears to be the word of the day. I'm not sure I had a revelation per se as much as one of those moments when you confirm to yourself that the way you are feeling about a particular scenario is okay. I've blogged about this before so it should be no news to any of you that I always have to find this "decision point" within myself. The thing is, it's so stupid to do that most of the time.. but I continue to do it anyway. Sometimes, however, it's more innocuous... it's not a decision point I'd ever tell anyone... well maybe one person...
The Son threw up yesterday and this morning so I didn't get to make yoga. School break and this is my week. I think he drank a bad smoothie because it definitely was more like food poisoning than a virus. I'm gonna pull the Media Bribery Card and allow them 1.5 hours of media time if they'll sit in the yoga center while I practice.
The Daughter and I baked chocolate chip cookies this afternoon but I spent most of the day trying to figure out more of what I need to figure out with regard to work. I'm really not used to having this nebulous deliverable. It's an interesting place to be in.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:07 AM | Comments (1)
November 23, 2008
Challenges
I got to fly back to San Diego today. I am becoming enough of a frequent flier that I now classify the individual lucky enough to sit next to me. I always take the same seat on the plane, 3A. If 3A is taken, I take 2A. So when someone sits next to me, I can immediately tell a few things about them such as, will this person want to talk the entire flight? I have to admit, in the past, being so freaked out about flying that I would enjoy talking but not so much anymore. I try to take the time on a plane now for me. I take those 2.5 hours and I play music and I literally WATCH the earth going by. I love flying over Shasta and trying to find familiar places. I think. That's what I do, I think. So when someone sits down and I'm pretty sure they're gonna wanna chat, I don the headphones loud and fast. It's not that I mean to be mean but, my life as crazy as it is, I take the opportunties where I can find them.
The big news here in SoCal (and I truly am a California Princess in all the ways in which it was originally intended by my dear friend Andrew when Tiff and I flew to Chicago in January and nearly passed out from frostbite waiting for the yoga studio to open at 5am) ... anyway the big news is the new skatepark that just opened. It's about a mile away and The Son is totally stoked and can't wait to go. He's a little nervous so we're gonna go and watch first and check it out. The other day I read an interview with The Son's cousin in one of the big skate magazines where he talked about the park. He illuminated, as does the sign above, the irony that the skatepark is literally across the street from the police station.
I've decided to do the responsible thing and take care of my huge huge huge mistakes that I've made over the last couple years financially. This elminates my ability to do certain things but it is what is best as I endeavor to recreate the universe that keeps me in my body.
The body! I'm really trying to go patient and observe all the sensations with my body while practicing. I'm trying to figure out how to do poses and notice the things my body does out of fear of injury from my surgeries. I want to watch them and feel them out and see if I can change them. Letting go would be preferable but baby steps are needed here for me.
The whirlwind and craziness of life never ceases. I've stopped trying to figure out where I'm going or what I'm doing and I'm just letting everything hit me and land. I think this is why I'm no longer so freaked out on airplanes too. Instead of being scared I just sorta think "Well, heck, if this is what happens, if the plane crashes, then it does, what can I do." I know, not magical... just something I was never able to do before.
Someday, I'm gonna think "I feel comfortable" and it will be true.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:32 AM | Comments (2)
November 20, 2008
A Little Boy
I didn't wait for the blog software to create the entirety of the last post and so it didn't let anyone comment but thanks for the emails.... and here's what I have to say in response.
Thank You.
Thank you my friends and, you know who you are... thank you for never judging me. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for listening to me when I struggle, when I'm schizo, when I'm centered, when I'm angry and irrational, when I'm calm and in control...
Thank you for understanding how challenged I am by reaching out to humanity and people while I struggle instead of doing what I have always done, which is completely retreat and lock the door behind me. Those of you that have known me the longest will know that this pattern of mine has been in existence since before I could drive a car.
I've had some stumbling blocks on the way. I've been too open. I've let myself just be exposed and raw completely and that's the wrong thing to do... as I'm quickly finding out. It's some tentative balance that I haven't quite figured out -- how to be open and free but still socially accetable within the hierarchy (and it is a hierarchy) of the social networks in which you roam. And, let's be honest, we all have many social networks... the different groupings of people with whom which we interact... and each of those networks has slightly different basic rules to follow.
For the first time in awhile, I'm not feeling like I can do it anymore. I'm overly extended. Presence and breathe. Presence and breathe. Presence...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:26 PM | Comments (1)
November 19, 2008
Letting Go
I was so stressed yesterday. While I should probably honor the line between professional and personal I'll tell ya the story anyway. I practiced Sunday and Monday. Both days, good, strong, solid practices. I am looking forward to practicing once again. I admit to using it somewhat as an escape but I also don't really care. I had planned out Monday evening carefully.... gonna practice, setup the issued laptop, sleep... get up early, practice at the studio here and then go spend another hour of practice before my presentation.
It started with the laptop being unable to connect with the VPN and, therefore, unable to join the domain and, therefore, unable to be useful. Then I had a meeting invite to review the content that started at 8am in Redmond so I knew I wasn't going to be able make yoga... I couldn't sleep as was expected. The meeting left me feeling that I needed a more technical demo so we were gonna hook that up... but I ended up spending 6 hours trying to get a machine working in order to write the code that needed to be written to do the demo. I got it done 15 minutes before the presentation. Then when I got the presentation, my laptop wouldn't connect... the AV guy had to come... so I started the presentation pulling a copy of my deck from the cloud (ooo THE cloud - if you aren't tech, you won't know). I went too fast and I forgot to say half of what I was gonna say and the audience was so serious and it felt wierd... and then when I flipped to my laptop to do the demo, I took down the entire presentation software so that the screen would only show blue no matter how we tried to do it. I didn't even get to do the demo and ended up having a conversation. I was sweating bullets and I felt like I failed. I was pretty embarrassed. In fact, I was just hammered.
I reached out to the person I love most and asked for a hug. I felt much better after. I was so crazy and so stressed. Then I wrote an email to my boss and lead telling them that I felt it didn't go well. I watched a movie and I went to bed.
I woke up to ladies holiday :( :( Jason and Tara are coming to town tomorrow and I had booked the time on my calendar to practice. We'll see how I feel in the morning... I may have to buck the rules on this one.
But then I got my email... and my lead responded to my email "I knew you did tank. You're too hard on yourself." and included the scores from my presentation... and, you know what? They were good... very good.
I wish I could say it made me feel better. But, the truth is, it wasn't my most stellar performance and that's why I was embarrassed. I'm much better than that and I'll have to give it another shot ;-)
I realized after that how much I needed to let go of the stress. I have so much stress inside me. So I wrote another email revealing the deepest darkest secret I have... and it was received okay (of course, the understanding of the actual situation isn't there yet)... and I began to let go... of all the stress.... don't get me wrong I'm not cured but I am feeling more solid. I'll figure my way through all of this one day at a time.
Before I go, I have to mention the one coolest thing that happened to me all week. I was in the grocery store (my new favorite one Metropolitan Market) walking down an aisle when this little boy, probably 3, his little brother in the cart and the dad pushing... walks towards me, very determined, holds out his arms and says 'I'm going to hug you.' I didn't know what to do at first so I put down my basket and said "You are?" He said "Yes" and he came and hugged me! It was so sweet. I told him thanks, that I missed my kids and getting a hug felt really nice. I'm not sure if his dad was mortified or not but it really made my day.
Every night I open a book of poetry and I just open it... and whatever is on the two pages present is what I try to digest. Tonight I read through 4 poems before I discovered that Today's Rumi is one of my favorites. I have faith.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other,
doesn't make any sense.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:25 PM | Comments (2)
November 16, 2008
It's So Funny, You Can Only Laugh
Early morning to fly up to Seattle. Since I rent a car it's always interesting what I'm gonna end up with. Last time I drove from the airport to my place in a totally tricked out Mustang. The engine was so loud, I was actally embarassed and so, halfway over the 520, I called the Bellevue location and exchanged it for a turquois blue Ford something. This time I got this wierd squarish Nissan.
I did exactly what I promised myself I would do. I turned on the heater and I did a practice. I turned on the Krishna Das song I'm into right now and I practiced. I didn't cheat and I didn't get lazy. It was very nice.
I can now sit in bed and see Lake Union. All the leaves are gone from the trees... there's still a smattering on the ground but the trees are bare now and the lights from the other side of the lake are fully visible. It is so very pretty here. In some ways feeling the change of the season and watching it so closely has been an eye opening experience to the beauty of mother nature... I've always celebrated it but realize I've never really experienced it. At the same time, I realize why this beauty is as mysterious as it is to me.. because I don't want to understand anymore than this. Thanks for much. I like the majority of my days to be those where one is wearing flip flops and tank tops... and it's COLD out there.
I'm getting my wind and I'm feeling good and strong. I can do all of this.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:56 PM | Comments (3)
Table Manners
I spent most of today "practicing" for my presentation on Tuesday. I'm really nervous and I don't know the material all the way through. TWBD nailed when he told me that the reason is likely that it doesn't sound like me. It's not my normal conversational presentation. I'll figure out the right blend... but it's probably gonna take another day.
Yesterday was an interesting day for me. It started with a conversation that sorta made me uncomfortable but I could have chosen to not say anything or I could have chosen to be honest and explain my feelings. I chose the latter because I'm not really so good with the former but I still question the appropriateness of the conversation at all. I also probably had a stupid conversation that was totally not good for me, but I did it anyway... and I sorta liked it. Fortunately, the day evened out with The Best Friend and Beautiful Yoga Girl going downtown for a few beers and some raw tuna :)
The Son had Cotillion today and I got to take him to it. He is so handsome in his suit... and I peeked through the doors as he did the "receiving line" (in which the boys must shake hands with individuals who volunteer for the program, look them in the eye and introduce themselves), as he held his elbow out for a girl to hold on to as he escorted her on to the dance floor. Once he was lost in the crowd, we could no longer see so we left. Parents do not stay and if they do, they must be dressed equally as formal. I never really anticipated that The Son would really like this program but he appears to love it. Tonight he demonstrated the table manners he learned by pulling out my chair for dinner, explaining the placement of the fork and the knife and that one should never put one's knife in the mouth... and finally that to signal that you are done with your meal, you should cross your fork over your knife on the plate. He told us that he got to dance with one girl who was nice and talkative and was into dancing and another who really didn't want to be there. He also mentioned that some girls giggled and told him some other girl wanted to dance with him. He's completely oblivious to this and could care less (for now). Given the recent situaton with him academically, I'm really happy to see him put effort into this and embracing it. It's heartwarming.
It is 80 degrees here. An amazing full of sun and life day. I'm feeling stronger because I feel I'm making movement, progress to getting things under control. I leave at 8am for Seattle... where's it freezing cold and raining. I've decided I would love to see the snow while I have the apartment there... which may not be for longer. I'm super sad to give it up if the landlord will work with me... but recognize that this is what I must do to pull the universe back to order for myself and my family. It's a beautiful place that I enjoy being in a lot so I plan to really enjoy it while I have it.
To honor that, I am going to do all of first series tomorrow in the apartment. My plan is to fly in, practice, go to the store and get some supplies and then bunker down all night and practice making this presentation more in my own style and finding a demo to do with it.
A week in the freezing cold... bah humbug. But, in positive universal thinking, I do believe I'm going to be able to facilitate making Jason's Thursday and Friday Mysore classes at 8Limbs... and even the 8am Saturday session... If you're in Seattle, I hope to see you there... and maybe I can finally get in a regular practice this week.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:34 AM | Comments (1)
November 13, 2008
The Title With Multiple Possibilities
Mere Gurudev, charanon par sumana shraddha ke arpita hai
Tere hee dena hai jo hai. Wahi tujha ko samarapita hai
Na priti hai pratiti hai, na hi puja ki shakti hai
Meraa yaha man, meraa yaha tan, meraa kan kan samarapita hai
Tuma hee ho bhaava men mere, vicharon mein, pukaron mein.
Banaale yantra ab mujhko mere saravatra samarapita hai
I was thinking today how much I've enjoyed blogging again. I was reading through some archives the other day and I realized how many things and how many ways I have manifested myself and succeeded. When I think about why I haven't blogged it is mostly because for the past year and a half or so the situation has been so way out of control that I didn't feel like writing about it. The thing is, it isn't any one situation.. it's the whole thing really and what I realized about blogging is that writing isn't about the "thing" "the situation" "the problem" or any of the material artifacts associated with what is going on on the inside. There's where the journey is.
I got a good look at the inside today. Believe me, just getting to the studio I went through all the usual not-yet-at-discipline arguments in my head from I'm tired to It's cold to I'm not ready to feel this. But, in the end, I went and I did what I said I was gonna do and, you know what, it felt amazing. I'm glad I did. I cried. Literally. I cried through the first part of standing. I cried quietly and I hope discretely. I'm not really wanting to be seen right now... I'm struggling to see myself. I cried in the usual suspect, Mari B and, then, by the time I got to second I went "Woah, I don't remember getting here." That's the beauty of ashtanga for me. It takes me out of the "situation" or "thing" and forces me to the inside.
I admit, I almost did chicken out of kapotasana. I just couldn't imagine opening my heart to the pose. I couldn't imagine even touching my feet. I started tearing up and realized, screw this, I'm bigger and strong and badder than stupid kapotasana. So I did kapotasana. I could write that it isn't about the fact that getting to my toes is never a problem anymore... Getting heels oh much bigger problem... but it isn't really about that either. It's about the strength.. that internal strength that Kapotasana is just so great for.
I'm pretty sore right now. Given that my practices have been short lately, doing my whole practice may not have been wise but in truth I think it was the best slap upside the head I've needed to have.
I realized today that I keep looking to have a simple question - Yes or No question answered. I'm not getting an answer... and I'm optimist enough, in nearly all things, to believe that silence is a consideration, a maybe, a logical conclusion... instead of that No means no. I mean, my kids totally know that.. maybe or silence basically mean the same thing (don't they in your household?) Yes, I'm a black and white person... it all moves in 1s and 0s. It is why I'm a good developer (or was).
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:37 PM | Comments (0)
Baba Hanuman
I set the alarm clock this morning for 6 am. For no reason. It's a moon day afterall and there is no practice... but I set it nonetheless. I need for my body to get back to the rhythm of waking up early. Of that being what is normal. I admit, it went off, I turned it off, I flipped back the sheet and realized "Holy Cow it is COLD out there." While I realize I am in San Diego this week, the mornings are chilly and TWBD doesn't believe in a heater... so I threw the covers back on and rolled around for another hour.
I spent my entire morning preparing for a big presentation, my first one, early next week. I flailed for the first couple of hours...unclear which way to go but I think I finally threw together something and have it out for review. We'll see... I still have to learn the dialog, rehearse it, memorize the pitch and be prepared to kick ass. I'm always much harder on myself than everyone else .... so we'll see. I reserve judgment until Monday evening and we'll see what type of panic I'm in then :)
Tonight I went to satsang at the studio. It was lovely to be in a space of love and trust... it doesn't really matter that I didn't know half the people there (what was the story with that)... it was the energy and the vibrance of Hanuman that is evident in the air alone that brought me to my knees. I recognize fully that my practice will carry me through all of the mumbo jumbo. I also recognize fully that escaping into the practice is the exact wrong thing to do... for that would be escaping the very real doors by which I must pass through in order to get my life back together. The practice, however, is a foundation... My teacher tonight talked about the daily committment and he talked about moon phases and astrology and politics... We chanted... and I teared up... but tears never ran... and I feel like I'm passing through the weakness and into a centered strength. I hate what is coming. I hate what has passed... but it is what it is and today is today... tomorrow is simply tomorrow.
Today's bit of poetry:
I have a feeling that my boat
has struck, down there in the depths,
against a great thing.
And nothing
happens! Nothing ... Silence ... Waves...
--- Nothing happens? Or has everything hap-
pened,
and are we standing now, quietly, in the new life?
~ Juan Ramon Jimenez, translated by Robert Bly
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:26 AM | Comments (3)
November 12, 2008
Baby, Oh Baby The Places We'll Go
Today was veterans day so the kids and decided to spend a few hours in the afternoon together. I awoke early to get some work done, took a few calls, found out some stressful things I have to do... and then I searched for my bowling ball... the one my dad gave me when I was 18. It's pink and says JULES above the finger holes. I haven't bowled in 15 years but I knew I still had that bowling ball somewhere and I eventually found it... buried in the garage but still sound and waiting to see pins.
It was very fun. I actually bowled 166 in the first game. Not bad for the first time I've thrown a ball in 15 years or so. The kids were hysterical... barely able to hold the smallest of balls and definitely barely able to roll them down an alley. They tried every manner of stance, ball throwing (including the one with two arms and a spin which nearly took out the people 3 lanes over)... and ended up with some hodge podge of a run, throw, hope the bumpers made the ball go all the way down the lane.
After bowling I had a meeting... it was an interesting meeting that left me feeling much stronger and clearer than before. And then, it happened... I had a reason that I needed to talk to a person who has hurt me gravely. For the past month or so, each time I had to do this, the band-aid was ripped off and I hurt even more than the last time... but tonight... tonight I actually felt a calmness. I didn't feel hurt and I didn't feel desperate. I mean, sure, I felt blips of feelings but I was able to say "Let go" and they went... I believe this is mindfulness -- the kind I used to have before my life got so haywire.
Tonight I'm trying to let go and do other things while I formulate a strategy for a big presentation I have to do. Awhile back in my career someone told me I should be billing my hours if I'm in the shower thinking about work... I don't have to bill my hours anymore but I definitely thinks this counts... while I was bowling, while I'm typing this, I'm trying to figure out the approach to the problem and then I'll document it and then I'll present it... and hope I don't fall on my face.
Wish me luck.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:31 AM | Comments (3)
November 11, 2008
IsNull(Title)
Nothing new to report today... I got up at 6a.m. dragged myself out of bed, showed up at the studio only to see the missing car of my teacher... I'm glad I didn't check. I'm glad I didn't know he wasn't there else, for sure, I would have chosen to stay in bed instead of practice. Instead, I was there and I had an hour to spare and so I got on the mat. Not really a practice, half primary... but on the mat, in a studio for the first time in awhile. Monkey mind, as usual, hit right at the end of standing poses. I don't know why it is that I lose the ability to focus right there, at the end of standing... but it seems to happen every time these days.
I got home, logged into work and attempted to figure out what I'm doing... that seems to be my motto these days - what am I doing? I figure, eventually, after like 60 days, if I still don't really know then I'm doing all the wrong things :)
I spent an hour or so tonight researching foreclosure properties. I have no idea how to go about buying a foreclosure property but it seems like, in today's market, it's an option. Something new to learn about. I also made a good dinner tonight - with the music blaring and a glass of wine in hand. Finally, the kids and I played Rock Band II.
My emotional state is slightly better today. Less desperate and more stable. I don't think I've had any major ephiphany but at least I don't feel like the entire world is falling apart. I'll figure it out... whatever it is.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:07 AM | Comments (0)
November 10, 2008
Infusion?
Today was a dark and overcast day in San Diego which is a huge bummer because one of the few things I look forward to is coming back to the sun drenched sidewalks and the heat penetrating the face when you turn to look upward.
The kids and I spent a few hours all laying on a bed together watching TV. I admit to dozing off once or twice whether from emotional exhaustion, physical exhaustion or the flavorful marathon of tween shows would be a hard guess. Alone in my office for the afternoon I was overwhelmed with sadness again. My head says one thing, my heart says another. I realize now how lonely I really am and I'm really working on leaning on my friends... even though my instinct is to run the other way. For those of you who've known me for years, you'll recognize the close the door, completely shut down attitude that I normally take on when I'm trying to work through something or figure something out. 3DStickman used to say that he knew I was really upset when I simply stopped talking altogether.
I'm really extending myself right now and talking... and more than just talking... in literally just spewing whatever it comes out of my mouth. Without calculation and without thought. My theory is that the only way to really work through where I am is to get it all out there... however that happens.
Today was a day of resisting all my temptations. It was a day of saying to myself "No, you are a strong woman and this is what strong women do." I took about 30 minutes to run to the drug store where I found myself crying in the car in the parking lot. Maybe I'm way more depressed than I thought I was.
After I got home, I received a txt message that threw me off my ballgame... and, yet, I realized that I also felt some infusion of good emotion, however short lived. But that short span made me realize that while I have been talking... I haven't been acting... and I need to step out of the frump physically too.
And, so, with that, my friends... I will show up on the mat tomorrow for an actual Mysore practice at the actual studio I call my home with my actual teacher. Be gentle, it isn't going to be pretty.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:12 AM | Comments (1)
November 9, 2008
Miles
I woke up really slowly this morning. I had a drink or two the night before. Those friends I was talking about, the ones in Seattle that I feel closest to, they are really friends. It's a nice credit to humanity and a gift of hope that our country is really beginning to have change at the core level. Anyway, they came over for a drink at the apartment (which I do love, it is really comfortable) and then we went for dinner and some music at the Seattle Art Museum. At some point we ended up hanging out on the boardwalk in the wind, chill and sprinkles. Those are the moments that I like best... just a few people hanging out talking and connecting. But what was perhaps most appealing to me is that I felt no judgment from any of them. Not for my happiness or sadness... not for my obsessive-ness, stupidity, wit, charm or joy.
I have been pondering that stifling ones feelings doesn't allow you to grow detached from them. I think I have to feel to let go and so I feel many emotions these days. The degree of stress in my life is probably at the greatest it has ever been. In all respects, professionally and personally. I think it's official, I'm simply crazy!
In good news, being back in San Diego always makes me feel slightly more full of life... if only for the sunshine. I like the sun. I like the sun a lot.
I'm dedicating this week to trying to feel some sort of rhythm. I am looking to feel it. It is finding the rhythm that will eventually lead to finding the stira within.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:27 AM | Comments (1)
November 7, 2008
Just Sing
I'm listening to jazz. It's lovely. It's emotional and pretty. I need to be careful right now to surround myself with beauty that comes from a different place of the heart than say getting really soulful with Trent Reznor (which, by the way, is an equally powerful and beautiful and wonderous space)... but I know myself and so I know that this is where the strength is. My strength is that I just believe in goodness. I believe that people are beautiful. I believe that I'm beautiful.
My favorite moment tonight was when I went to the kirtan here in Seattle with JumpsThruSomeday. My aura is probably pretty orange... I'm just as prone to find any excuse to lock myself away from society. I couldn't find a parking spot in the pouring rain. I debated leaving because of it. I knew though, this is where the courage is... so I eventually found a lot a few blocks away and took a shower. It is cold here... and really rainy... I really think this winter is going to be a long one. Sitting next to JumpsThruSomeday... vascillating between the overwhelming emotions and happy to feel like "home" - it used to be that I only felt "home" in Encinitas studio... but, at this point in the chaos of life, just being in a room of people who have united over this practice, is enough to feel like home. I realized while sitting there that these people, if I stood up and told them all my woes, would just sit with me and sing away that energy. Anyway, while sitting there I put my head on my knee... and JumpsThruSomeday touched me. And it was really helpful. I think I just need a big huge hug or something.... or maybe like 10 of them... okay 20.
Onto another topic. Let's talk about social networking. I've, in general, always kept my blog a personal blog. There is a website that lists my real name next to a link to this blog. I don't know the person who maintains that site but it's been there for more than a year.... I get many links from that blog that come from search hits on my name. I've considered once or twice asking them to remove my full name but I also know the page is cached and it doesn't really matter. I am this person. I know people from work, both past and present, have found me. In some cases, I totally love these people and have nothing to keep from them. Sometimes I'll see what I'm sure is a co-worker (past or present) and feel a little freaked out about it. But it's really Facebook that has me a bit worried. I admit, I sorta like Facebook. I rarely have time to catch up with what my friends are doing and I like the one line status updates that let me know they are still living, or going to New York or having a baby... or working on strength right along with me. Til recently, it was always personal ... mostly yoga friends and age old friends... but more and more professional contacts have been made. I find it really cool for that too... for many of the same reasons.
In having conflict over this I realized how wide open in the heart I'm living. No wonder I'm in such a state! Tonight when David was singing he stopped to talk and he said something that really sat with me... he said, sing... and whatever the emotion that is there, it'll work itself out... just sing. Sometimes it doesn't want to move... but it will..
I really like the jazz. So far Miles Davis is my favorite.
Jai Hanuman
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:47 AM | Comments (2)
November 5, 2008
It's Not You, It's Me
I've decided that I simply don't know what love is... or how people relate... or what life is really supposed to be about. Granted, I haven't been a public blogger over my personal life for awhile... it's really, frankly, been just too personal... but the make up of who and what I am right now is really about the internal chaos and questioning. My entire core has been shattered, repeatedly. I'm like half the person I used to be and trying to find the strength that God has given me... trying to find the breath... trying to find the spirit that I know is there.
It's not like this happened overnight... or even in a month or a year... it's been years... First with the crumbling of the marriage that I thought was real. The utter abandonment that I felt and the very real realization that love should be more than that. That love should be the someone that you can open your heart to. This doesn't mean you don't make mistakes, or screw up sometimes, or even screw up majorly often... it's the thing that lets you know whatever it is, that the openness in the heart is all that matters.
It took awhile... a major realization of the heart that I was strong enough to buck the rules, to live outside of myself and to take responsibility for everything that was to follow. The road has been littered and traveled but it is still a road... and, like everything I do in life, a bit fuzzy and a lot "against the rules."
I thought I saw what love was about again. I thought that I saw what living with an open heart looked like. The crushing realization is that I didn't but it isn't the realization that I have no idea what love looks like, it's the realization that I fell into every paradigm and every facade and every stupid romantic Hallmark card moment or classic Lifetime movie storyline. Now I don't mean this in the realistic sense, not like I had a Hallmark moment or even got brought flowers... I'm sitting in an empty apartment, in a city where most of the people I know I wish I didn't (with the rare few who are amazing friends and completely without strings) and feeling quite lonely and stupid.
I sometimes wonder why bother trying to find love. I look around and I see so few people who have what I think of as love. CIODude is one of them... the extent and openness of his marriage and the love he holds for his wife is nothing short of inspiring. I hear about it now and then with other friends... but, to be frank, the majority of people I know are unhappily married, divorcing, divorced or looking.
Quite honestly, I just feel like giving up. It will also come as no shock that the heaviness of my heart has really impacted my ability to show up on the mat. It's simply too painful to feel my body and too painful to realize how very far I've fallen. Too painful to recognize the self-doing involved... and the unhealthy state the journy as traversed... I am better than what I've become, I know that... I just haven't processed it yet... and I'm not ready to deal with the pain.
Oh the world isn't ending, no worries there.. in fact, finally we have something to celebrate in this country and I couldn't be happier (except with California)... but, for tonight, the inevitable heaviness of being can only be mingled with the thought that the world is changing... that starting anew means starting everything new... I just don't know if I can do that yet.... if I've worked out the gruntis of the misery and the inertia and the doubt.. the great big doubt that this world isn't really what I thought it was.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:31 AM | Comments (6)
November 4, 2008
0 Network, 0 Credibility
Today was the first really busy day I had at work where I was actually doing like productive things. One of the wierd things about my new role is that the artifacts are few... it is all about relationships and strategy and non-tangible "things." In many ways, it would be very cool to blog about the very unique experience it is to begin working at such a large corporation. But, alas, as they say, separation of personal and professional is always the best decision.
I did practice tonight... Not long but practice. I made every Surya Namaskar feel... it felt lovely. I realized a benefit of the extra pounds - it makes you really engage your bandhas. Today's favorite pose was a very wonderfully deep Parivritta Parsvakonasana and Pasasana... I didn't do a full Pasasana, just a variation that felt wonderful on the tight areas in my chest. I'm really realizing how much impact the surgery had on my body and how, in so many ways, I've really been fighting my body trying to have the exact same practice with the exact same struggles. In many ways, it is a gift... and in others, it's terribly sad.
I can now see the lake through the trees in the Seattle Apartment... the leaves are a brilliant orange color and the ground is simply covered with the leaves. It's quite beautiful. It's also really really cold! Tonight the bar across the street is packed with people. There are election parties everywhere I know. It's an interesting atmosphere in the world. It'll be an interesting evening on very many fronts.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:11 PM | Comments (0)
November 3, 2008
Crazy
Have you ever met someone that makes you feel, well, crazy? Like no matter what you say or how you say it, you should have said it another way? I know someone like that.. it drives me crazy.
Last week was a long week full of bad food, alcohol and late nights. A developer conference isn't a developer conference without that combination.... I'm happy to report that I didnt eat any of the bad food (except for the excuse for lunch that they served us) -- I resisted all the ding dongs, ice cream, candy, coke and other sugary snacks across the board. I only had alcohol two nights and only stayed out late two nights... okay both those nights were 3am-ers but, you know... what's a girl gonna do?
The sad part was that no matter how I worked my schedule, because my hotel was 40 minutes away from the conference (due to a late registration), I couldn't make yoga... so the yoga mat was a travel companion but never saw the light of day.
I fly to Seattle tomorrow... back to the rain... I plan to get back to practice (again) from the luxury of my apartment... maybe in class once, we'll see... I've sorta come to the conclusion that whilst I get through these months of commuting, my practice can't be the priority but it can be a static entity of my life. My days start too early in the office, the Seattle traffic is horrible... maybe I just haven't figured out how to go from west to east in less than 40 minutes yet.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:29 AM | Comments (5)