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October 28, 2008
Geek-Ville
I'm in L.A. for a large technical conference. Out of the thousands of people in attendance, only 5% are female. This makes the line for the bathroom awfully short and provides for an awful lot of geek watching. The conference is good -- lots of information to absorb, people to meet, yada yada... but I hate hotel rooms and, even more, I hate the discomfort that is in my professional life around certain circles because I let slip the one thing I always held dear - separation of professional and personal.
I didn't let it slip recently... it was awhile back... in fact about a year ago according to the On This Day functionality... but it began then and then grew and grew until finally it was known in the greater context of my professional life and that was a big mistake. For as personal issues come and go, for the most part, the professional network stays the same and I really dislike treading these waters.
No yoga to speak of -- have to be in L.A. by 8am and I'm staying in Beverly Hills. Nights are spent schmoozing... hope to find some time somewhere.
I'm feeling stronger every day -- both physically and mentally. I have great friends... and many people who love me through both the good and the bad. For that I am eternally blessed.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:56 AM | Comments (2)
October 24, 2008
Primary
I had a great day today -- I did productive things at work even. My soul is tired though... tired of being sad and tired of trying to figure out how to fit into the world that has surrounded me. I decided to take the sadness and throw into a full practice so I did primary at the health club tonight. The teacher is a student of my teacher so the practice is traditional... but I was so into myself and so into the feeling in my heart that I barely looked up through the hair that feel over my face. I vascillated between tears and serenity the entire practice... and, you know what, the practice was good. The backbending was phenomenal. My heart is so wide open that it actually hurts...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:59 PM | Comments (1)
A Heart Waiting For Sunshine
Last night I was sad so I drank wine... too much wine... when I woke up at 6am I thought "That was really really really stupid." But, in my effort to find the positive in everything -- I was hung over and tired and, as a result, I actually slept on the flight home. For those of you inexperienced with the depth of my dread of flying, that's a pretty amazing feat.
TWBD was a bit late picking me up at the airport... I sat on a bench in the full blazing sun marveling. How small is this world that people 1,000 miles from each other can be intertwined in life... and yet how big that a big metal bird can traverse the hail and the rain and the storms to the perfectly blue and beautiful sunny sky that is San Diego. I always feel this immense spring of life when the sun hits my face... call it the vitamin infusion.
Two parent teacher conferences at the school today. The Daughter - she's motivated and driven and social and, aside from her lying issues, well-adjusted and balanced. The Son has some issues with internal motivation and organization. He's such an amazing little kid and I love his personality that is coming out as he ages... his teacher has seen what an amazing author he is... she told us today it has been 10 years since she's had a student with his voice in a class and she's sure he will grow up to be some amazing author. I wish I could understand his inner workings though. The Daughter is so easy to figure out... The Son is like a mysterious black box that I keep trying to fit the parts into.
This evening he told me all about his Cotillion classes... he said the dance (a formal waltz type) with a girl was "wierd" ;) Maybe he's not such a black box afterall... just maybe, he's a boy. I'm sure I'll never understand them.
This afternoon a neighbor tagged me down.. a long overdue open discussion of life. It brought a sense of sadness to my heart which made me sit and think about the empty hole I've been feeling in my heart and how to fill it up. I wish I could say I have this overwhelming motivation to practice 6 days a week, eat raw and be the free spirited hippy chick I used to be... but I'm not really there. All the pieces of my life are in a bag being jumbled around and I haven't yet figured out which pieces belong to the puzzle. The neighbor reminded me that connecting with real people who know me and love me is important...I've been neglecting that and I've been neglecting me.
Doubt that the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move his aides, Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love
~ William Shakespeare
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:08 AM | Comments (0)
October 23, 2008
Shakespeare
I don't know if I've ever mentioned it but I love Shakespeare. When The Daughter was born her room was my office... I worked from home like 10 hours a week. I used to nurse her and write code... she'd lay on the boppy pillow and that's what I did... and it was all good. There was such an even balance to life back then and I often wonder I got back to this corporate world. It's not like it just started, it's been here for awhile, but the time when I was most just me... relaxed and into my thing, was when I didnt' work full-time.
I realize that life isn't so innocent that money isn't an issue and therefore that sweet memory is just that.. a sweet memory. It's funny how sweet those can be... the sweet memories.
When The Daughter was ready for her own room, I painstakingly too months and painted faeires and The Sun and The Moon and stars... and the Shakespeare quote "A star danced and under that I was born." And so she was.
I did "real" things at work today. I can't say I'm not completely freaking out. I mean, it is what it is, I'm in control of the freak out... but I just am... and I don't mind saying out loud "Dude, I'm freaking out."
Sometimes I hear that my plainness (my "straight up" attitude), my inability to really "hide" my feelings... is difficult. I often stop and think that perhaps I should modify myself to be less straight up... but the reality is, when I feel something I just do... quite often it doesn't change. Sometimes it does... sometimes I get knocked off my feet with the inexplicable mistake of the core.
I always, however, find, that yoga helps one really listen to that answering machine...
If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as improbable fiction.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:42 AM | Comments (2)
October 21, 2008
Not Opposed To Public Burnings
I've been niggling over a decision for awhile now. I knew I had choices and I knew that I could simply take the easy path, the one of least resistance and the one in which I knew would have been a disaster to take.
I was never a weak woman. I was never a woman who, when faced with a problem that I know next to nothing about, to simply throw up my hands and give up. Not that I'm any of those things now... but sometimes it helps to remind oneself of what one knows about themselves. I have been reading this interesting book called The Female Brain. It has many interesting qualities to it. I loved reading about the teenage brain, the brain in mating mode, monogamy and the female brain, our brain at work. I highly recommend it. In reading about the chemical reactions (such as that of rejection which apparently triggers the same circuits in the brain as physical pain) I realized just how important working the kinks out in the body is.
Tonight's practice I dedicated to facing down Kapotasana. Just to be clear from the get go... I didn't actually do kapotasana. The single thought going through my brain when I think about second series and/or backbending is "Wow, I really don't want to feel that. I don't want to feel it in my body or my soul." In an effort not to let the beast become bigger than reality, I did only Surya's, standing and second series up to Kapotasana. I cried physically and emotionally when I got to Pasasana. First series twists feel fine.. Pasasana feels like a train has trapped my torso beneath it's wheels (yes, I realize with practice, this too shall pass). I did a ton of Ustrasana... finding the spine and feeling the heart opening of backbending... getting out of the core axis of the sacrum and finding the root lock. I also did a lovely set of backbends that felt like I was literally lifting into the sky with a string pulling the front of my body up and up.
Sometimes the only way out is in.
Tomorrow at 8:30 the game starts for real. But, for tonight, dinner with a friend at Chez Gaudy in Capitol Hill.
Hari Hari Boom Boom
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:56 PM | Comments (0)
October 20, 2008
Thinning Trees
So, it's wierd to see a change in seasons. In some ways it is really cool. Like, the trees across the street are losing their leaves, turning a beautiful yellow orange color before falling away... and with each one that falls I get a bit more "water" view from the big window that is the wall of my apartment. I expect that when I get back here next time, the trees will be bare and while I sit here, with the fireplace on low, a glass of red wine to go with the ladies holiday as I do tonight, I'll be able to see the water and the lights sparking off of it.
I'm starting to find some type of groove...but just barely. Starting new things is always a wild ride...
Over the weekend a beautiful yogini came up and hung out with me. And last night we had blue fin tuna which was phenomenal.
I see so many people hurting around me right now. Love's that are lost, love's that can't be, love's that were and have changed to something that isn't quite love anymore but isn't yet lost. I see an equal amount of beautiful relationships but, for whatever reason, right now I know a few people, lovely people, hurting. I myself am hurting. It's like the trees losing their leaves though... a beauty in and of itself and something beautiful on the other side.
Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:09 PM | Comments (1)
October 15, 2008
Every Beginning Is Hard
I had a great day at work today! First, I got my first paycheck.... and after going through the experience of willingly taking a severe paycut, it was super nice to be paid what I'm worth. I have some serious catch up to do financially, especially after last employer didn't give me notice in a position for me to do anything about it very quickly... but, in the end, it was exactly the nudge I needed to take some time off and figure out what I want. I like what I want. It's really exciting to be figuring out what I don't know, freaking out over what I don't know, feeling insecure, yet strangely calm about it.
Then I just had a great "normal" day at work. Don't get me wrong, I'm doing nothing productive yet but I am finding all the stuff and figuring my way around if only in the miniscules of an 1/8th given the amount of stuff out there when you're "on the inside."
As with most days lately, the emotional life is like someone else taking a walk during my life. I am consistently amazed at the feelings I can feel and the clarity with which I feel certain about them whether they be difficult or filled with elation.
Tonight I had moments of joy in my practice. The first time in a long time. During Parivritta Parsvakonasana I actually started laughing... just filled with joy. And for the first time in a long time I just thought WOW I'm really strong when I practice yoga. I enjoyed every single upward dog! All of them... The spine felt amazing. So when I did half a practice and then dropped down to backbends.. I was ready to open my heart. Also for the first time in a long time, I listened to something other than sanskrit chanting for practice... a new CD where the lyrics are just really perfectly fitting for me right now. Not just one song, but the near majority. As soon as backbends came around, the song that came on was just perfectly balanced in the feelings evoked in it - sadness but joy, strength but weakness... I cried through backbending and it felt great.
That's that cleansing feeling... yoga therapy.
From Ashtanga.info
Primary Series (=Yoga Chikitsa / first series) is said to be the most demanding Part of Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga. - Because it is the first series you learn as a beginner.... and every begin is hard.
The Primary Series of Ashtanga Yoga practise is called Yoga Chikitsa. Yoga Chikitsa means Yoga Therapy. It is a series for cleansing and healing the body.
In that vein, today's challenge is to find the absolute coolest I can about today.
This is where I practice yoga. To my left is a big fireplace that is gas but also serves as the heater. The setting only goes up to 6 so that's what I set it to. The apartment overlooks a park on the other side of the street -- or sorta, the stairs to the park. Just on the other side is Lake Union (I think). The road is very busy but I'm getting used to the sound of the traffic that makes it sound like a city around here.
I always told myself that if I didn't have a family, I'd live in the city. Like New York City. A big huge city.... where there are so many people... As I was practicing I realized how much I like the apartment here.
So there ya go, work is cool, yoga is cool, I'm just so cool!
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end." ~some band I'm blanking on (Semisonic?)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:55 PM | Comments (4)
October 13, 2008
Climate Changes
Being home from Seattle was nice... the weather is great here in SoCal and I was fortunate to spend the day at the beach yesterday. The beach in October is wonderful.. 72 degrees and no one there. I fell asleep on a towel for a half hour... it was the closest to heaven I've been in a long time.
The beach was even sweeter that I went to practice with my teacher for the first time in what seems like forever. I saw him and started sobbing... I'm not sure if he knew why or not... but he hugged me all the same. Practice was great. It's been a long time since I've had a great practice. I think it's been a long time since I've had a real practice at all.
The last year has been filled with turmoil and chaos as well as the sweetest and closest pieces of heaven I've ever experienced. Someone recently told me that with the wild, freedom, sweetly drenched moments, you have to expect the opposite to unfold.. to keep balance. I'm not sure I agree but I also am not sure that I understand relationships anymore. In fact, I think I understand next to nothing and I can physically feel my heart closing up. In feeling the tulip closing, I realized how much I don't want to feel my body. I don't want to face the emotions that I've holed up in there... I don't want to open my heart... I don't want to feel the pain.
Work is quite hectic adn going to take a lot more of my time initially than I anticipated. I feel very conflicted... it is the right thing to do but it's going to be a tough few months... in so many ways.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:29 PM | Comments (0)
October 9, 2008
Life Is Like Childbirth
I am hoping by equating life with childbirth I will eventually feel what my intellecut is telling me. It's not really childbirth per se... it's the moment after the second childbirth... the moment when you realize that for 9 months you weren't sure if you could ever love something the way that you love Offspring #1 and you realize that, yes, you can. This equation isn't necessarily about love, child love, parental love, romantic love, or otherwise... it's about the process of discovering that truth.
Professionally, personally, emotionally, spiritually -- this equation can be experienced anywhere I believe and I believe when you experience it, it is a gut wrenching and complete opening of the heart.
It might be a good thing, however, to have these experiences independently of each other.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:34 PM | Comments (1)
October 7, 2008
You Outta Know
I can't quite figure out the traffic pattern here in Seattle. Today I left at the same time as yesterday and it took me twice as long. Going to an office is, well, wierd. It's been a really long time. On the other hand, I recognized how cool it is when some guy walked into my office today and started a brainstorming session on the whiteboard.
Yoga tonight -> repeated last night... until my entire being, physical and emotional and spiritual, is less heavy, my yoga practice is going to reflect... and that's okay.
I was thinking about meeting some friends at a bar downtown tonight... but instead of going out and trying to figure out some things in this city that I can entertain myself with while I'm here, I decided to make some dinner and watch the debates.
This could be my hermitage.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:17 PM | Comments (3)
October 6, 2008
I Changed My Password
I hate when I realize I've compromised my password. Just one of them... and once you've compromised it, you realize you've made a mistake.
My first day at work today was good. I went in with single focus to succeed. It's gonna be an interesting job. I have about 30 days to feel my way in and see where the twists and turns are before I'm put in the car. I'm all about the owners manual now!
I was gonna get up and do yoga but I realized this morning at 5:40 that I was too stressed about the changes going on and I wouldn't be able to focus if I practiced at home. I honestly feel too much respect for the teachers who have stepped up to the plate here in Seattle to even be open to an adjustment... I need to find the groove first. So I came home and I figured out the heater which is a fire place that is all digital... I got the room heated up to 80 and I laid out the mat and I did exactly what I said I was gonna do today... half primary. I cried through parts of it. I feel like I used to feel when I first started doing kapotasana... just gut wrenchingly stretched into a ball. That's a really good place to be. Let it go.
The other night I went out to dinner and the waiter had a tattoo on his forearm that said "Today is the best day of my life." I've been really thinking about that tattoo for the last couple days. Today is the best day of my life. The tattoo is the first one I've ever seen on someone else that truly hits me as something perfect to put on the body. The same right feeling I have about my tattoos. So I've been thinking on it.
My landlord owns a winery in Oregon... Oregon's best last year. He left me 3 bottles to try and I've been saving them for a special occasion... tonight I decided was the best day of my life so I opened the Bordeaux style to have for myself... it is delightful and worthy of the celebration.
And with the celebration, Rumi never fails to disappoint me:
Today's Rumi:
Inside this new love, die.
Your way begins on the other side.
Become the sky.
Take an ax to the prison wall.
Escape. Walk out
like someone suddenly born into color.
Do it now.
You're covered with thick cloud.
Slide out the side. Die,
and be quiet. Quietness is the surest
sign that you've died.
Your old life was a frantic running
from silence.
The speechless full moon comes out now.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:35 PM | Comments (0)
October 5, 2008
Surreal
I flew up on Saturday and moved into my new apartment. It is exactly like the pictures. It's nice and clean and perfect in size. I like pulling down the bed every night and then putting it away every day. I did purchase some items to make it more "me" -- a cool Buddha table from CostPlus, I have my Shiva statue, REW's gift to me before I went in for surgery on the entry table in the picture... pictures of my kids...
The job is interesting.. I don't want to blog about my work here though. Bad professional news I think so I will stick with how it affects my personal life. My job is challenging me... I have to think outside the box I've been stuck in. This is a super good thing and I will step up to the plate. In order to get there, however, I've discovered how important it is for me to be practicing, any type of practice - sitting or yoga... while I find the plate. I haven't practiced... but I am going to find the rhythm now that the real job starts on Monday (the past week has been filled with annual off-site meetings that start at 8am rather than being in the office by 9 every day). I have my kick-off meeting at 10 so I figure I can make an early practice and do half primary... get a shower and figure out how much time that gives me. Can I make it through a full primary and make it to work? Could I ever make it through my own practice if I didn't fiddle faddle around at all (you know, hem and haw over Kapotasana)?
I played poker last night... I have never played poker before. I got a cheat sheet on the iPhone... iPhones will take over the world (as a side note, yes, I have a MacBook Pro so I got an "I'm a PC" sticker and placed it over the apple ;) )... I did really good. I took a couple people out but then I got bored and I went all in on a straight and someone had a pair of aces and kings.
The lovely JumpsThruSomeday (who has been jumping through for a long time now) brought me a cupcake for a housewarming gift! I'm eyeing the last chocolate one now. I found a cool market and bought flowers and this amazing vegetable pot pie. I went out with my friend, the beautiful Trinity, to a small bar with some bands... we talked politics with the cab driver on the way home.
The world is an ever changing place. The mat, while it changes, is stable and steady and strong... I need that.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:11 AM | Comments (2)