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August 22, 2008
Momento
I've been to practice every day this week except today... was planning on Intro to 2nd but then I forgot about The Daughter's big sleepover so it probably won't be possible. Great practices all week. I love the heat and steam... like a rain bath in the studio. My kids have had to suffer through sitting in the outside reception area for 2 hours while I practice... of course, I ended up bribing them with a trip to the bookstore downstairs.. because, well, I have mommy guilt.
My lower back has been super sore this week. Whereas last week backbends were awesome, this week they don't feel so hot. Someone mentioned to me that perhaps it was that I had my moon... lower back pain... moon.. yea, that makes sense. While I know I should have taken it easy and/or not practiced at all, I had to... mentally. The most interesting thing about this journey back to the mat is that my twists are horrendous. I have no idea what they look like but they feel absolutely unbearable. This is fascinating to me because I have never experienced this before... not after surgery.. not the first day I started yoga... never. I wonder what is stored in there for me right now :)
I have such a crazy week coming up. I will have to scale back the yoga because of my schedule. I am flying to Seattle tomorrow, working on campus from 8am - 8pm on Monday for a special brainstorming session, taking a red eye from Seattle to Dallas midnight on Monday, arriving Tuesday morning, schmoozing a bunch of people, flying back to Seattle on Wednesday... and finishing the week finding some contract work and/or interviewing.
I have my initial phone screening with big huge software company today. I'm so excited about the opportunity and I can't wait to hear more. Everyone say a collective Om or prayer to Ganesh...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:02 PM | Comments (1)
August 19, 2008
Tick Tock
The Shasta trip was amazing... as if I expected anything less. For some reason, I find the trip magical... it's not the yoga, it is the hiking and the exposure to nature and the integration of the community, the yoga and the solidity of the earth in such an energetic place.
The Yoga
The led second series practices were tought for me but not as tough as I thought it would be. For the most part, I struggled with Pincha and associated poses plus the seven headstands... there were a few more hard poses and Mayurasana (which I doubt I'll ever even attempt) but it wasn't overwhelmingly scary with the exception of the Pincha/Headstand stuff.
Mysore was nice... My Wednesday practice was awesome... I was so into it that at the end, waiting for assisted drop backs, I had to wait a really long time... I seemingly got done at the same time as everyone else... so after waiting about 10 minutes, my teacher walked over after helping about 4 people with "tick tocks" and said "Well, since you waited so long, today you do." This was scarier than anything else... I questioned him "Me? Are you sure?" And then I proceeded to basically talk through the whole thing laughing... I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I haven't mastered hand stands on my own so the performance factor was high. I was terrified of coming over but that really wasn't too bad but I couldn't figure out how to get back up... then I almost landed on another student's head, and my weight went out of control and my teacher had to jump her not to kill her. But, after I was done, it was a lot of fun (note just fun).
The Hiking
I just love the hiking in Shasta. The altitude makes my asthma act up and I struggled greatly on a couple of hikes mostly the last hike up to the meadow where I actually had some wheezing (and panic). My favorite hike was the same as last year... the hot springs.. but I loved the cold creek water more this year and stayed in for a long time... listening to girls talk... watching the little girls take a river safari... just standing in the space of time and being.
The Community
This year's group was different and the same as last year. With it being second series week, there were a lot of beautiful practices but the same laughter and lightness that I think fill our studio at home and makes it special. I met some brilliant new people but, more importantly, I got to spend time and be part of the female bonding that I so rarely get and that is so special to me.
On Being Home
The trip back from Shasta was one of reintegration. The knowledge that I had to come home to reality and face finding a job struck be full bore and I sort of retreated somewhat. I'm not sure I've come to yet. It's not that I don't have options, I do... but I haven't found the passion yet. I'm really really excited about the big software company option but I don't know even know if I'll pass the screening much less an interview so I'm trying not to get too into the idea. My heart is still sitting on a mountain wanting to be one with nature.
I got up for practice yesterday at 6am... to find my first moon since I stopped the hormones had started. The day before, on Sunday, after practice, I was so out of it, I slept half the day and felt light headed the other half. I attributed this to a hard sweaty practice but, it turns out, it was probably hormonal. I spent yesterday feeling like my head might explode and wondering if I'd done the wrong thing by getting off them. I feel better, I've already lost some of the weight, but if that is what I have to go through every month, I've got to find something else to help me. Today I feel much better and so I went to a 9am practice (bad lady, yes I know... but I have to keep the momentum going.. I have to)... the room was so very sweaty. It is probably the most I've sweated in years. I had a lovely practice where I felt like things were slowly coming back to normal... slowly... and then I stood up from a backbend to find my teacher in front of me... today.. tick tock...
My first two tries were horrendous.. I was so tired and my mat so slippery I had no traction with my fingers and I could barely get back over once down into the backbend. I landed with flat feet and I had no push.. on the third try I landed with the balls of my feet and managed to feel somewhat like I was helping to get back over... I got a better in the very least. I like the stand ups more.. they are easier.. but on the last one instead of coming into a backbend, I melted down to the floor, completely spent.
When I left practice, my kids, waiting in the dressing room with their laptop, said "Mom, did you take a shower in there?"
:)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:38 PM | Comments (3)
August 13, 2008
Happy New Year
On the drive up to Shasta I was thinking about how this time last year I was going through so many things and what this past year has brought me and where I'm headed and I decided that Shasta really represents my "new year" so to speak... so in the introductory session, upon introduction, I said that I wasn't really here for the yoga, but, rather, for the experience and as a kick off to my new year.
And a new year it will be.... I can't wait. Things are, well, things seem to be gel'ing. It seems like the things I'm looking for are there.. they are there... they are just waiting to be seen and some energy poured into them.
I am sitting atop one of the most magical places in the world with some very beautiful people. In all honesty I'm not here for the yoga. Practices have been tough.. my body isn't used to second series, I have much fear in that practice... but the hikes are good... I'm in much better hiking shape and so much love and support here. I love the girls I hang with here. I'm so happy that Shayna and Kati are here.... I just love them.. and I love feeling so accepted for who I am... and talking so freely and being so open and feeling in such a circle of trust to be so open.
Ahoy Matey! (that was for you Shayna, I hope you were drinking something when you read it).
The Daughter has had some issues which I'll blog over later.. this is the quick update... that Shasta is everything and nothing... amazing... this is the place where I feel it all go away... and where the center of energy feels grounding and light ... flight and rooted all at the same time.
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I got a ping today from a large software organization wanting to talk to me about what is hands down my dream job. It is the title and the role and responsibility I have always always wanted... always. I also got invited to be on a panel of 10 members of experts in my arena... daunting and flattering... As they say, a door closes and 5 more open...
Manifest, visualize, believe... and most of all aspire.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:50 AM | Comments (2)
August 8, 2008
Done
So today was my last day "at the job." The "others" who own the company did not call or email me. Not a single "Hey thanks for a great job and busting your ass for the past year..." nope.. their attitude is apparently that I should be grateful to have been in their presence at all and a host of adjectives about my personality. The ones I've heard to date are:
I'm volatile
I'm confrontational
I'm unstable
I'm mean
I'm a bitch
What's funny about these statements is that I can't think of a single person in my life, not professionally or personally, who would agree with these statements. From a professional perspective, I don't know a single ex-boss that I'm not still in contact with (even 18 years later!) and that wouldn't hire me back immediately. Isn't it strange how one individual can have such a twisted view of you that even you can't see the reflection in the mirror?
I mean that when I hear someone say things like this about me, I try to look at my actions and patterns and see where the perception came from but I'm truly failing. True, I'm not the fuzzy warm person in the office. I expect a certain level of professionalism and I expect that you will get the job done you say you are going to get done. I may be a bit anal retentive and I have super high standards but I don't dick around with not telling it like it is. I freely admit up front that I have high standards and that I expect to hear a really good reason why quality and service can't be hit spot on.
Yesterday one of the people who implemented my designs and I talked and I said "Oh I heard you thought I was scary." He told me YOU ARE! He also told me it's a good thing.. that I'm frank and honest and I don't play the bullshit game. So, I'm not sure I like the scary adjective but I think I get the sense with which it was used :)
So, it's all done now... I was given my two weeks notice and then never heard a single word more. No exit interview, no termination email just plain nothing. It has sorta left me feeling like I'm in some wierd state of flux ... but the date is here and gone and so I am unemployed.
I wonder if I can collect unemployment.
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The Daughter and I leave tomorrow for Shasta. I was really looking forward to the trip but now reality has set in.
- I weigh at least 10-15 pounds more than I should.
- I'm out of shape.
- I haven't done second series in a month.
- I have this wierd pain in my incision area (or the stapled area) that is causing headstands and anything using stabilization muscles to be super uncomfortable (strangely backbends are making it feel really good).
On the other hand, I'm going to forget about the performance of yoga (as best I can) and focus on just relaxing as much as possible (not easiest thing when you don't have a job to come back to)... so what if I can't do pasasana (and it's second series week)... I can climb up a mountain.
Jaya Hanuman
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:20 PM | Comments (7)
August 3, 2008
Bye Bye Pasasana
Wow. It's amazing when you remove something in your life that was causing you so much stress how clean and alive you can feel. I feel.. awesome. No, the universe hasn't filled me with the clues on what to do and where to go next but I simply don't care... life moves one day at a time and one day at a time the answers will unfold as I put one step in front of the other. My next goal in life will be to remember that whatever I do next, I won't be doing it as an owner and simply as an employee and work is work is work... and nothing else :) It will take a lot of consciousness in this for me as I tend to be an over-achiever incapable of doing less than what I view the right job in the right manner and thoroughly but I was never one to deflect a challenge either.
I've spent the last couple of days just feeling like myself. Hello Me.
I practiced yesterday and the hard truth is, whether it is because I'm not doing whole practices right now or not... I've lost Pasasana. I can't bind. I've been able to bind in Pasasana since my first day doing yoga so I'm not sure what it is. I have not recovered in the hips all the way (bummer since I'm doing second series Shasta week).. I can't get even my easy leg behind the head, or open them all the way in almost any pose... whatever caused the aches in the joints is gone but left the remnants behind. I wonder, however, if when I'm in a heated room (Seattle is cold this week) if things might change... I may try to hit up the new ashtanga mysore at 8Limbs this week... if I have a car... and see where practice lands with the collective energy of yogis in the room. In the meantime, I've been studying and breathing and practicing and eating right (okay, aside from keeping my glass of wine at night habit).
I'm ready for the universe (and my internal guru) to speak.
Jaya Hanuman
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:46 PM | Comments (4)