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July 31, 2008
Untitled
I always find it a bit spooky when I look in the log files and find someone who has read my entire life story over the last 6 years. It's sorta cool... I want to spend a moment and go through that myself someday... but also a bit disconcerting. Of course, it's all right there for the public view.
For the public view... blogs are interesting things, we don't control, unless we make them private, who reads and we never really know who is reading. I mean sure, I know a lot of people who keep tabs on me via my blog (especially now that I suck at communication), have been reading for years, are my friends, yada yada... but I also can tell there are more readers that I have no idea who they are.... and then there are the readers that I do know who they are (IP Addresses, they get you every time don't they?) but they clearly think I must not know... Why read someone's blog if your intention is one in which you are looking to find something you can use to harm them? Why read someone's blog simply to see what they are saying about you if you already know they have nothing good to say? Why read someone's blog to increase the singular dramatic environment you've created for yourself.
To you, and you know who you are, I won't give you the pleasure. If I wasn't being so polite, I'd give you a few words that would flow off the top of my tongue with flame so nicely and easily.. but instead, I'll inhale and breathe and remind myself that karma is everyone's fate.
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Seattle is cold and rainy. I feel alive and well. The caffeine dependence is gone. The hormones are regulating. My body feels better. I'm trying to line things up for work. I have decided the best decision is to entertain all ideas and come to a conclusion. My horoscope says I am moving through the Dark Forest on the journey of the Hero... I'm simply waiting for the magical moment of clarity to come shining down on me. And It will....
With no ashtanga school in Seattle anymore I am looking at solo practices. I really need the energy of sangha right now... of course, I could have my own little one with all the people inside. I miss my studio.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:28 PM | Comments (11)
July 28, 2008
Butterflies
Back in the U.S. Up and a short practice this morning, in the little covered cabana thingy by the water. It was the first practice that I didn't feel like I'd explode from the hips on any degree of forward bending. The truth really is in the body.
I took 600mg of Motrin this morning and again 6 hours later.... but that was at 1pm and I haven't felt the overwhelming need for it again. I can feel it but it isn't horrendously painful as in other nights. I also was able to put my head on my knees or shins or wherever for the first time since the pains started. The truth really is in the body.
Being off caffeine is sorta wierd. I don't know if it is the mixture of stopping that and the hormones together but I suddenly feel like this wierd fog has been lifted. It's definitely in the body though... the start of it anyway.
I'm getting to that uncomfortable place now with the career thing. I've got a few things lined up that look pretty good but I can't decide where the drive is. I'm just, tired. Of course, the ego in mine just wants to drive ahead. It's the body and the soul that need to slow down. I used to have that fine balance of the two. My friend C said to me on the phone the other day that when he met me I was all about yoga and finding myself... and now I'm this work person and he doesn't really like this me. So totally true.
The rollercoaster ride starts tomorrow morning. I already want to get off but the little butterflies are also part of the fun part.
[Edited to Add: I hid a couple posts. I started thinking about people and intentions and I didn't like what statcounter had to tell me. Think of it like a virtual fly swatter.]
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:57 PM | Comments (2)
July 27, 2008
Free
So I think it may be that the aches in my body are from a combination of hormonal and caffeine withdrawal... a few days ago, I forgot to go get coffee here at the hotel and didn't remember until about 5pm... when my head started to hurt. I figured if I went one day, I could just quit cold turkey. So now I'm wondering if the dramatic achiness of my body is actually just my body freaking out that I quit taking the BCP and caffeine all in the same week and completely cold turkey. 800mg of Motrin takes the pain away... but I find after 4-5 hours it comes back unless I take more. I am not clear if you can take 800mg of Motrin every 5 hours or if I'm about to kill off my liver while I withdrawal.
What I do know is that my brain actually feels much clearer without the caffeine. Yes, I have a headache but the fuzziness I am used to seems to be gone... the afternoon sluggishness I guess. I just hope the aches go away soon, they are nearly unbearable.
I've started the process of telling my professional affiliates to change their email address for me. The company has not announced (and likely won't) that I've been let go so I'm having to "keep it under wraps" that I'm a short timer. One person has figured it out but I'm insulted that the remaining peers of mine haven't been told. I guess being insulted does no good, the company seems incapable of doing the right thing for me or for anyone.
I have always stopped myself from blogging about my professional life which is why no one here knows where I work, what my title is, yada yada but when it comes to axing me clean and leaving me little to no ability to go get other work, I no longer feel any desire to live by what I would consider professional consideration. So dooce me... oh, wait, you already did that.
I didn't practice yet today... my body has been feeling so achey that I'm going to try and go in an hour or so when the sun moves to the other side of the hotel and less people are by the pool (there is nowhere but full visible public to practice here). I hope I can at least bend over today, yesterday the pain in my hips just attempting to left me in tears.
Thanks for all your comments and emails.... believe it or not, it really does help me to know and feel so much love and support. All in all, I am very at peace... I was miserable in this job. They didn't respect me or appreciate the experience I brought to the table and I should never have stayed as long as I did. I stayed for all the wrong reasons. I'm not worried about my ability to go out and get work... I'm an expert in something that has a shortage of people who even know what it is... its' really that I just want to stop the chaos of my career, find one thing and settle in. The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation has the perfect job for me... too bad I don't know anyone there... :) Bueller?
Fly home from Mexico tomorrow... we've had incredibly insane weather here. What we anticipated to be 97 and horribly hot has been blissfully perfect due to the wind that has kept it cool. The kids love it here... The Daughter has become quite the haggler:
Purchasing a purse, a bracelet and then getting me a matching one for a sweet price. The purse is made of candy wrappres which she claims "makes it so tempting to eat a lot of candy."
And, of course, it wouldn't be a Cabo trip without the Bakasana on the beach picture... only I had so much sunblock on, my legs were slipping and my hips hurt so bad I couldn't hold it... but, hey, the old college try anyway.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:47 PM | Comments (1)
July 26, 2008
Desperation
So, yes, I was "laid off" from my job. It's an interesting scenario all around. I find the way that it was handled, given my level of experience and position, to have been the most unprofessional and disrespectful career event ever. Two weeks notice I was given and, even then, they seem to have complete disregard for the fact that the third week is Shasta -- a vacation I've been saving my vacation time for all year. I'm pretty bummed. I don't know how I'll be able to go and be relaxed knowing I don't have an income to come back to. Worse, I got my "notice" while I'm in Mexico with my family. So I fly home Monday, to Seattle on Tuesday, home the following Wednesday and then leave for Shasta on Saturday... not a whole lot of time to find a job in there is there.
I wish that I could give the owners of the company a few words of advice. I can't. If I did they'd fall on the ears of arrogance and ego and so they'd fall on deaf ears anyway. I have been the better person in all of this. I am not going around telling everyone. I have kept their secrets and kept their data and even given multiple chances for them to make my employment right... all that trust and all that faith and all that giving resulted in a pink slip. For those of you that know the secondary story behind my employment, you might find this shocking and I suppose it sort of is given the way it went down. Life hands you what you need in order to grow and I will grow from this.
So, I need a job. I just can't decide what I really want to do. Frankly, working for this company has completely killed my drive. I have nothing left really but somewhere I need to find my ego and my drive again and go out and sell how wonderful I am at what I do. I guess ideally I should go back to consulting so I can pick and choose but there are inherent risks with that and a lot of instability. I rarely regret anything and I can't say I regret the choice to spend the last year with this company because it has brought me some wonderfully amazing things but I do regret having stayed when I knew that the company wasn't mature enough to have someone like me and, moreover, I should have left when they screwed me over the very first time. Lesson 1555002342342 learned.
I anticipate the next few weeks being pretty stressful and crazy. When is it ever going to calm down?
I also don't know what is going on with my body... I am in absolute pain. My hips and lower back especially but it is radiating out. It feels like flu aches and pains without the flu symptoms. TWBD thinks this is a side effect of coming off the hormone pills. I stopped about a week or so ago, had my first moon... and now I can't sit in a chair. It was so bad today that I couldn't even bend over to touch my toes... though I did attempt to practice out of desperation (and dedication to losing the weight I've gained to be honest). Backbends are the only thing that feel good to me right now. I can't sleep, I can't sit, I can't do anything. This morning I cried for 15 minutes over the pain. Taking 800mg of Motrin works and makes it bearable... but how often can I take that in a day?
So my professional life is a mess, my body is a mess... the only thing that feels oddly calm is my heart.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:33 AM | Comments (5)
July 24, 2008
The Art Of Separation
Lest you believe this post is about what you'd like it to be about, it isn't... though that is an art in and of itself. For the past year, I've given so much of myself and held out faith and trust. I've killed opportunities, shunned options and in the end found myself holding the short stick. Tonight handed me a hard lesson in what is personal, what is professional, what is right and what is shady. I feel betrayed and yet blissfully clean.
Life is still in the stages of being transformed... life is all in the making.
I am in Los Cabos with the family. The kids are out of control and behaving badly... but the breeze is amazing and makes the 97 degree weather completely lovely. 5 minutes in the sun leaves one with a base tan.... but, more importantly, I've gotten up every morning and put my mat down in the middle of a covered cabana type thing ... I've ignored the 20 hotel workers who crowd around to watch and I've practiced.... not whole practices (I admit, my driste can't hold out that long with all those people staring)... but lots of backbending and heart opening... and forward bending....
One foot in front of the other.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:35 PM | Comments (1)
July 21, 2008
On Being Woman
I realized something deeply profound about myself. I've learned that a huge part of me that has never existed before has unfolded. It has a profound impact on relationships. Some people who've known be before embrace it and have even acknowledged it to me and told me how deeply they see the petals that have unfolded... and some people probably never noticed there was a flower there at all.
I started my moon 3 days after stopping the hormones. I noticed immediately a profound change in both my physical and mental reaction to it's arrival. I have this gut feeling that allowing my body to go back to its natural rhythm will help me feel more balanced emotionally and that the body truly is the window to our being. My body is truly out of whack.
Don't get me wrong. All choices I've made, the things I've done to my body lately. It's where I'm at and where I will be until my inner self is ready to be opened up more... that's the beauty of ashtanga yoga too. The meditational quality of the practice helps us to see that the practice of yoga truly is in each practice no matter what series, what pose, what teacher, yada yada.
New Moon.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:04 AM | Comments (0)
July 16, 2008
Pertussis Sucks
There ya have it. Pertussis sucks. The basic gist is the child appears mildly sick all day... maybe a few coughs here and there that sound like your basic congestion and then about 9pm boom... then it starts... the coughing until she turns red behind the eyes, she breaks out in a sweat and you want to shake her and scream BREATHE. The whooping sound.. check. Vomiting.. check. We have now given her cough medicine with codeine just to get her some sleep.
So now we are both on antibiotic therapy... I'm taking the pertussis antibiotics too and have a slip to get x-rays and yada yada. The doctor has assured me that neither of us are contagious, we are free to fly and free to go wherever we want provided we feel good enough. I'm not sure I know what good enough is anymore :)
I practiced tonight. Just standing, a few seated and some back bends. Vinyasas make my head feel like it might shoot across the room. I don't seem sick when you stand in front of me, it has just all decided to congregate upstairs. No wonder I'm not thinking properly.
I stepped on the scale at the doctor's office today and about had a cow. I cannot believe the amount of weight I've gained. I mean I've been saying for months I've gained a ton of weight but I haven't actually had a scale prove it until today... and I was mortified. So today, I stop the hormones. I can't remember what my problems were vividly enough to justify them anymore (remind me of this when I complain about my painful moons next, okay?). I've also begun to make a list of the things that I have to figure out... soon. More to come on that. It involves the following main subjects:
- Where I work and how to be successful, secure and have a work/life balance
- Where I live (in what city and where therein or what combination of cities/wheres)
- What my "main schedule" is (and combinations thereof depending on the answer above) so that I can organize around some "standard"
- What my personal relationships consist of and what those "look like" both on paper and in real life
Nothing like playing with all the big ones at the same time, huh!
In other news, this week is the 3rd anniversary of the "surgery" that started it all really... Surprisingly, I still recognize every day that I don't have real breasts. I thought by now that would be gone. It isn't. It's not that I wake up anymore and think "Oh wow, these feel wierd. I have fake breasts." At some point, though, in the course of a day, I'll recognize that they just aren't real.
I don't regret it... not for one second.
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And finally, to my friends... the ones who have called me to tell me how screwed up I am and how much they love and care about me... the ones who have waited patiently for me... had dinner with me at the last moment... emailed... loved me... stood by patiently with me over the course of the last year. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart... thank you. It is a wonderfully uplifting and beautiful feeling to have so much love in my life. So much unconditional love... it's a beautiful thing. I love you all and I'm sorry for being so absent lately. Kisses and hugs all around.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:50 AM | Comments (2)
July 13, 2008
Driving South
I left Seattle on Friday afternoon. Landed in Portland with just enough time to hit Powell's before meeting up with my teacher, his wife and the lovely Tara and Jason for dinner. Powell's is an amazing place. I wish I had 6 hours to blow in there. I literally could spend a day in there and probably not make it all the way through. On my next trip to Portland I am going to schedule time to spend at least a half day there... I better make some room on the credit card.
After Portland I drove to Mount Shasta. I couldn't find a hotel room for awhile but finally found one in the town of Shasta and spent the night... getting up this morning and driving the 8 hours to Paso Robles where I was fortunate enough to have a lovely dinner with Ms. Jenna (of Driste).
I'm still not 100% and can only hope that breathing in Southern California air will clear up the head. Unfortunately, The Daughter isn't so lucky and she has been given a diagnosis of Pertussis. *sigh* Last year on this day I asked if God ever gets tired of laughing... I think God has decided that my life should be one continual mixture of laughter and boundary pushing.
Pertussis.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:01 PM | Comments (0)
July 8, 2008
Ugh
I have been so very sick. I've spent the better part of the last week seek. Aches in my body, head congested... I perserved through last week when The Kids were still in Seattle and I had to do the "stuff" but this week I've succumed and I've spent the last two days feeling horribly sorry for myself. Today I lived on Dayquil and some Cipro I had from a prior "girly problem." While I know I shouldn't take it at the drop of a hat, I also know when I'm sick with a bacterial infection... and I also know that I could have beat it with GSE, Vitamin C and time... but time is something I don't have this week as I have to wrap everything up and then start the drive home in a couple days.... so I took the antibiotic only to come to work this morning and find out that the government has decided to issue it's "sternest" warning regarding Cipro and the dangers of taking it and rupturing a tendon. So much for taking drugs.
Fortunately, around 6pm, I unstuffed my nose and it appears to have worked... I hope it worked... I feel so much better. It was like magic, one sniff into the tissue and it was all gone.
I did a bit of yoga tonight I felt so good... just pigeon pose and then 4 backbends and then kapotasana. What possessed me to do Kapotasana cold I don't know but I just needed to bend backwards. Just past the toes cold is not so bad for me :) I hope I feel good in the morning too....
Manifest
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:58 PM | Comments (3)
July 5, 2008
Firecrackers All Around
It's been a good week in reality although I was super sick. I took two sick days while I had the kids at the resort up in the mountains... I took two other vacation days and then had a holiday on Friday... so essentially I took the entire week off from work. I didn't necessarily have less stress 'cause I really shouldn't be taking an entire week off from work but, at the same time, it is what it is and was what it was and that's okay... I'm okay with it. I had a really lousy Thursday -- too emtional, too strung out... but I got up at 4am on Friday and drove a few hours to this small town by a river (or some body of water -- I am confused by canal, bog, lake, etc -- a body of water). So small that the town was 3 blocks long. Everyone knew everyone. Interesting place to be. We watched a small hometown 4th of July parade, a soapbox derby... then hung out and looked at various things... and then, at night, stood in the middle of a baseball field and watched as fireworks were set off by the various kids and families all around us... and I do mean all around us... It was really very very cool. When the darkness hit totally, the town's Elk Club produced a "formal" fireworks show. The fireworks went higher and were bigger. We had perfect seats (I mean, realistically, how can you not in a town that big). The show lasted like an hour... seriously.
The town is so small, that this morning at a Farmer's Market (their first, it was 5 stalls big), I wanted to buy a present for my mom but the ATM had run out of money!
Back to reality and work tomorrow (or maybe I can suck another day out of this off thing). I got this cool book loaned to me this weekend... It is all about the proof behind the Ramayana and the Mahabharta being "true" and the research into Vimanas. The book is title "Vimana Aircraft of Ancient India and Atlantis" and is a study into the Vymaanika-Shaastra (or "Science of Aeronautics) translated by G.R. Joyser who was the Founder and Director of the Institute of Sanksrit Research in Mysore. A Vimana is an aircraft (think Rama's chariot) and translates each of the shastras ... These are definitive and scientific prescriptions for building an aircraft.
"The peeta or seat should be 2 feet wide and 2 feet tall, and circular, and made of bael tree wood."
It goes into what plants, combinations, chemical interactions are required to make propulsion:
"5 parts of rambhasatva (plantain stem?), 8 of manjoosha (madder root?), 5 parts of kaanta, 8 parts of kravayyda.... "
and goes as far to discussion, in scientific quantitites, what food the pilot should eat and what clothing should be on their body.
It is very interesting and outlandish. What was really surprising was the documentation surrounding Mt. Shasta and that these principals and it is believed "secret knowledge" is kept and has some power within Mt. Shasta (as well as some places in India and Tibet). The book even mentions the similarity of the Sanskirt work "shastra" and the native Indian word for the mountain "Shasta." Apparently in the world of people studying these scientific ancient Sanskrit works "Mount Shasta is said to be (or have been) a location ... for the secrets" of these studies.
I am hoping to have some time to share it with my teacher too.
The Best Friend and I on his birthday trip to Seattle:
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:39 PM | Comments (0)
July 2, 2008
To My Dear CIODude
So, I think I haven't blogged about the horrendous computer adventures of the last couple of weeks. You see, I travel with the MacBook Pro (I know.. I KNOW) and so the other night I was walking down the hallway to my bedroom with the power cord wrapped up in my hand and the laptop open churning code in the other... so I turn to go into the bedroom and boom the power cord is wrapped on the door handle which stops me cold and the laptop, well, it doesn't stop.
After inspection, it still looks okay so I continue on. I have forgotten to bring an external drive but everything looks okay. A couple days later, the experience of computing is so bad that I now recognize something has happened to the laptop, days earlier. This is not good.
After hours of searching, I finally find the errors log for some unknown System Preferences thing from some menu buried somewhere far away in Vista. It shows me a chkdsk error about every 4 seconds. Nice.
How long til the hard drive blows?
So I go to the Mac store... helpful, no? I find the first thing that pisses me off about the MacBook... do you know in order to reformat the disk you have to have the original disk they provided? The original or within weeks of it.
This post to here was started a few days ago. I've been horrendously sick... I feel like my head might explode off my body and I can barely move for the aches in my body. :( This does not make me happy but, I'd still like to finish my story.
So this is my first issue with this new world of Apple hardware. Apparently even in the store they can't provide you with the original setup disk. So I had to have them FedEx'd to me... wait a couple days then finally reformat and 0 out the hard drive. This was to verify that the chkdsk errors were ficitious running in the virtual image on the Windows side (remember the hardware is Apple). After finally fixing the thing on the long weekend in the Canal, I went to load up my files and realized I forgot a USB cable... it has taken me til now to get my computer back... All my outlook files back and setup...
So anyway... the first thing I did when I got my email up was to email you.... and then I realized I don't know where to email you! So email me. :)
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I have spent the day sick. I've slept about 75% of today. I did take a nice walk this afternoon for about an hour outside where the beavers live. I am praying to be better this week.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:36 PM | Comments (1)
Packing
I hate packing. I hate packing when I pack for me and I really hate packing for more than just me. It's always amazing to me that my children can pack up what is most important to them in the moment in their little backpack. It contains no clothes or other essential human hygeine items but always has an array of odd little things they clutch in their hands or a book that you've sworn they've read 50,000 times or a stuffed animal they are strangely addicted to.
I did a half hour practice today. I've been really sick and feel horrendous. There was a yoga room in the place we were staying so while the kids swam I jumped in there. I had no physical body strength... pure utter illness exhaustion.
It all has to come full circle right?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:04 PM | Comments (3)
Base Tan
I'm up here at this resort in Cle Enum Washington. It's basically brand new from what I can gather and not completed yet. It's a wierd mix of yuppie upscale "adventure seeking" out of a can and a place up in the mountains and out in the woods. The best thing about it is the bathtub... shoulders and knees at the same time.
The kids spent a few hours at the pool today. They convinced me to go down the waterslides even though I despise how I feel for days after I go in chlorinated water. One was a long set of twists in pitch dark. I admit, it was fun.
After lunch and a small nap -- I am completely sick and all congested and trying to be the warrior mommy... so what if that means I go to the resort instead of the tent :> and then we rented bikes and took a couple hours around the 10 miles of "trails" (really all paved) on the premises. Only The Son was not a drivel when we arrived back at the lodge.
This type of exercise, however, truly does tire the children out.... which is a good thing later in the evening. Muhahahahahahahah
There was a vinyasa class at the resort tonight. I was going to do it until I realized that I brought a yoga mat and apparently forgot to bring any yoga clothes.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:22 AM | Comments (0)
July 1, 2008
The Many Sides of Summer
I have had an off week for practice. Too many children... too many destinations. The Wilderness camp was great. Their comments about the children and, more importantly, their dedication to communicating their personal insights into each child were inspiring. One of The Son's instructors told me that The Son was quite the comedian and never shuts up. This is contrary to every single experience that TWBD or myself have had. The Son is usually difficult to engage socially. Apparently, not so when surrounded by the beauty of nature. The Daughter was commented to have a quiet strength demonstrated in her leadership and determination. I appreciate when teachers go the extra length to tell me what they see in my child rather than just the academic performance.
This past weekend we went out to the Hood Canal. We found a cool tree fort someone clearly spent a lot of love and time in. It was tucked up in the trees on the side of this little tiny road where the cabin was we were staying. The Kids were lost up there for hours. Oyster hunting and ice cream in the middle of the day in a small town in Washington... summer experience straight out of a Pepsi commercial.
Which is exactly what it turned into when I allowed The Daughter to try her first taste of Pepsi. With about 1/4 of the can left I gave it to her. She spent the next hour parading around her Pepsi and ahing with every small sip and talking about her Pepsi until I could literally picture her in the Pepsi commercial with the white picket fence and the jean short shorts and the red striped shirt... It scared me.
We are now up in Cle Enum... way up in the mountains at a resort that I think is usually a ski resort. It has a pool with two water slides and a bunch of small hiking trails and whatnot. I have a head cold and feel yucky today so today was hang out and do nothing day and hopefully tomorrow I will feel better. We are hoping to rent bikes and go cruise around.
The Kids go back to San Diego on Thursday and, after they leave, I must get back to practicing more than half practices every other day. I know I should be thankful to have the time that I have but I need to find a way up here to make it more.
I think the drive back is Bend, Portland, San Fran, Paso and San Diego... but you never know. I wanted to stop through Big Sur but Mother Nature isn't cooperating.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:09 AM | Comments (3)