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May 31, 2008
What Is Recognized
So I had a moment day of recognition. It wasn't like a lightening bolt or anything. No magical voice of God... Just like a profound, well, okay feeling.
I have decided that my new goal, above all other things, is to smile throughout my day. Just smile. I practiced all evening. I smiled when I was doing my 10th sun salutation, I smiled when I was doing kapotasana, I smiled when I was desperately trying to get my right leg behind my head and then I smiled bigger when, on the left side, my teacher says "Oh, easy side!"
I realized through all those smiles, how much my yoga reflects my life. The truth is, I love all those things. I love doing kapotasana as much as it freaks the hell out of me. What I haven't been doing is remembering the joy of just being to do. I don't know if that makes sense. It isn't necessarily that it changes the enjoyment of the pose but, rather, the enjoyment that the pose even exists in my world.
I think I found a sense of deep personal love today. I've been so freaked out whether this is right or that is right or this is wrong or just wondering what will happen tomorrow and how to do tomorrow that I haven't focus on just being here today. I know I mentioned it yesterday and I think, in truth, the catalyst has been coming for awhile now... today I feel like someone just pounded the 2x4 into my head and Oh Yea, those were the words, this is the action.
In fact, I'm smiling right now.
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Intro to Second tonight. I am so weak. It will come. When I find the discipline.
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Practice and all is coming.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:09 AM | Comments (2)
May 29, 2008
Density & Drama
Practice this week has been simply practice. No major drama or openness just a regular, heavy, where I'm at practice. In an adjustment today I thought my teacher was massaging my shoulders.. when I commented on it he said he was simply feeling the density.
Density. It's a great word. The hormones have made me gain a ton of weight (or, at least, I'd like to think it is the hormones, I'm not eating that differently). I think all the pain and suffering before the hormones was better than the weight gain so I'm debating just stopping them. I decide and then think, well, it was bad enough that I started them, do I want to go back to that? Then I think, well all the weight gain sucks too so maybe it was worth the pain and suffering.
But density isn't just in the body. Density lives in my heart, my soul and my mind these days. I'm heavy. I'm heavy with stress. I'm heavy with burden. I'm heavy with sorrow.
Tiffany saw me this morning. She said she wishes one day I would say "I'm so great! Everything is awesome!" She's right, I haven't said that for a year. It is a combinaton of personal and professional absolute insanity and confusion. The density is almost entirely wrapped up in it.
There are no easy answers. The other day I walked down every available path to me with The Best Friend. We had some time during his birthday celebration in Seattle. It's like starting down the road, picking a path and then finding that every path you take has an impossible to cross bridge. I know, I know, it's not impossible, nothing is... but I can honestly say that in this situation(s) the truth of the matter is, I can't figure it out, it has to figure itself out and I have to live day by day, without attachment and just live... whatever is supposed to happen will present itself when the time is right and no amount of analysis, no amount of though or trial and error is going to speed that God-given moment along.
In the meantime, the density is thick - body, mind and soul. The heart however is open... it might be sorrowful too.. but it is open and in a very different place than last year. This is a good thing. As The Best Friend said, I am more me than I have been in the last 18 years of my life. It's like a rediscovery.
Going through all of this with all the drama involved is gut wrenching. My yoga practice is the only non-dramatic thing in my life right now... and even that... I'm finding myself thinking how fat I am, how much better my practice was before, how I lack strength and stamina... instead of just being grateful to be on the mat. Don't get me wrong, it's not like my whole practice is like that... I had moments of pure bliss today.. moments of being lost and coming to... but in two hours, I definitely had the self-depricating moments too.
Drama. I watch the little 7 year old girls with their drama. It can be cute. It can be scary. It can be incredibly interesting and infuriating. Nothing, however, is more dramatic than a group of adults who simply can't figure out a way to get their particular job done. Whatever the job may be. As humans, we talk. As humans, we all want to find someone we connect to whether at work, at play, at home... it is human nature to need to "get it all out" and that's great... but drama happens and drama can hurt.
Drama right now in my life is more intense and ill spent than any 7 year old drama I've seen (and, believe me, I've seen it). I think it is because I played with GI Joe and boys as a kid... my best friends are boys... I never grew up with the skillset that 7 year old girls develop from their elementary years through their adulthood to deal with it. I simply get drawn into the drama and feel desperate. In the professional world, I've never had to deal with drama before and I flail miserably to understand it let alone handle it with grace and elegance. I think I need to do more yoga and become more grounded again.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:12 PM | Comments (7)
May 26, 2008
Summer Is Looming
I feel like summer has come and gone. I'm not sure if I'm thrilled about summer or just bummed out. So far my summer looks something like:
Beginning June 1:
- Family Indian Princess Campout
- 3 Day Drive to Seattle with Grandma and two kids
Note: Must find some cool place to stop at
- 3 Weeks in Seattle, I stay one week post-kids
- Home 2 days, leave for wedding in Alabama that The Daughter is flower girl in :)
- Home 1 day, maybe 24 hours actually, leave for family Mexico Burning Hot Summer Vacation
- Home 1 day, Seattle for week
Note: I have now officially been in Seattle more than San Diego (this is scary).
- Home 2 days, leave for Mt. Shasta retreat for 1 week
- School starts
I also realized today that I will be gone for the entirety of this year's teacher training.
The Best Friend came to Seattle for his 40th birthday. We had a totally a mellow but groovin' good time that started with all day adventure off the lake, through the locks and around to the skyline. We then did the absolute coolest thing ever. There was one of those big freighters, just like this:
We were in the water so we got to drive about 150 feet from it and watch as the big Port of Seattle container loaders loaded those big boxes, like Legos, onto the tanker. A guy sits in a "office" that moves and picks up a single box that a single 18 wheeler brought in, and then fits it into holes ontop of the previous one. A few of those move in cycles aross the span of the boat and evnetually end up witht his amazingly packed in cargo ship full of them. It was literally one of the coolest things ever. About 5 boxes high I got worried that if one fell I was crushed. So we drove around it and watched it from all 3 sides.
For Memorial Day we all went out to the waterfall The Son and I hiked to last week. We took some sandwiches. Everyone had their big backpacks on with CamelBak's. It was pretty funny.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:01 PM | Comments (1)
May 21, 2008
Oh The Blog
No time to blog. For the first time in my life my email inbox is absolutely positive atrocious. It is usually well trimmed, finely tuned and now it is a heaping glob of emails I haven't read. I simply have no time. I'm a mess trying to keep up with motherhood, work and yoga. Yes, I've actually done yoga. In fact, I got up and practiced this morning with people working aroiund me. I'm determined to have my practice at least partially back.
I'm in Seattle. Unexpectedly. It's okay, I felt like I had some great time with the family. The Son and I went for a lovely hike, with all his new gear. We hiked for about 3 hours together. I almost stepped on a snake. It was lovely and fun and we both really enjoyed it. I can't wait to do more of these things.
The Daughter is in Wiley's wedding in July so we spent a day (or more!) going through flower girl dresses on Bride.com She's picked out a lovely dress that Wiley is graciously allowing her to wear regardless of personal preference and she's so very excited if not somewhat nervous about it.
Summer feels come and gone and it's barely warm outside (at least in Seattle).
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:44 PM | Comments (0)
May 9, 2008
Personal Challenges
Wow. This was my longest trip to Seattle yet. I made a long trip because my next trip home will be my longest without coming up and we have a huge and risk-filled deployment in the time I will be home. Last week I practiced here in the house with the heater turned way up. I had some great practices including the Dwi Pada event... but, sadly, pushing myself was stupid because I've seen the return of the right hip, deep pain I used to get last year that took about 6 months to overcome. Practice with patience and awareness... and the practice is the teacher.
Last weekend I did something I've never done... I went off trail hiking... and it was challenging. First I went to this cool little town called Hood River. I really dug the town.. a good mix of modern day convenience, artist flavor and true hippy crunchy granola transplants. After spending the night in a basement room of a hotel, we went hiking up in Ainsworth (I think that was the name). Essentially, parked the car on the side of the road, put the packs and shoes on, climbed the side of a hill, listened for water, climbed down the embankment to the gorge and hiked up... The terrain changed constantly. At one time sheer rock embankment where the rocks were so unsteady, you placed your foot and knew you had to be off that rock before it slid within milliseconds. The next terrain might be some tree branches, piddled with thorn branches that could or could not hold the pressure of some of your weight while finding the maze through. I don't think a human saw that gorge for at least 10 years (the last time my hiking partner was there). It was an "all fours" hike that used every muscle in my body and demonstrated just how out of shape I am. I used tree roots to climb walls, skipped rocks, fell a few times, slipped boulders down my arm, over my leg... but it was fun. It was much more mentally challenging than a regular hike and more engaging.
Most interesting was dealing with my lung issues. Whenever I hike in altitude my lungs react in a semi-asthmatic way. The first 1/2 hour is the hardest as my lungs try to expand to the exertion and the incline. About 15 minutes up and I was really struggling, nose starting to run, unable to breathe... my hiking partner dropped everything and literally ran all the way back to the car to get some marij. I was confused. I thought "Why would this help?" In the end I was stunned. Not inhaling enough to affect me but enough that my lungs completely opened and for 7 hours of hiking I never once felt affected. I've never been able to hike without that issue so this was very much a wow factor for me.
Our goal was to make it to the top of the gorge, into the bowl between mountains and then up a third incline to a "fort" that some people made up there 12 years ago. We got within 10 minutes of the bowl but didn't make it past nature's road blocks... 10 years of overgrowth and a tree that fell over the gorge.
This is at the top of the gorge... having a little break. The dumbest thing I did was wear Prana pants that weren't full length. Those prickly branches would wrap themselves around my legs and hang on... 2" of my legs are covered with small cuts and a couple boulders that I slid up against caused some bleeding. The descent was far harder than the ascent. Traversing overgrown forest, sometimes over fern growth where your feet literally couldn't find ground. My right knee was compensating for something else and each foot print I noticed the strain either there or in the ankle that twisted to account for the instability of the ground.
It was challenging... and fun... and special... and something I hope to do again.
Even though I couldn't walk for about 4 days... pure quad burn. I finally practiced yesterday to get some stretch in and it felt awesome.
In the picture you can see the color of my hair. Last week it was MUCH more purple... but the purple has given way to a reddish highlight. The darker color suits me much better. But this picture trips me out... I think it looks absolutely nothing like me. I look at it and I just don't see me at all. A few people who have seen it have had remarkable comments about it. One person in particular who talked about the look in my eyes couldn't have been more right especially given the moment it was taken.... but, interestingly enough, even knowing that, I simply don't see me in this picture. It's like it is a picture of someone else completely.
Since the hike I've had some personal challenges. I had a mental bit of breakdown that demonstrated how I'm living in fear. Fear of so many things but really allowing it to get the better of me. I have one major, major step to make... I can't decide if that step is the ascent or descent on the next journey and I'm afraid of what happens next. I have to make it anyway... so the fear can dissipate.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:29 PM | Comments (12)