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February 28, 2008
Rockin The Air Space
Finally flew home from Seattle. It's a really wierd experience to "live" in two places essentially. I feel nearly homeless and I think that is one of the reasons I feel so much chaos. There is no home base. No matter which place I'm in, a suitcase is nearby. I've gone ahead and purchased two sets of toiletries, left a yoga mat and essentials in Seattle, even left shoes and some clothes there now... but it isnt' the same. It isn't my house, my environment. I can't hang a picture up or move a chair to a new location, you know. When I am home, the "come down" lasts a few days, just to get situated again.
The flight last night was one of the more bumpy ones I've been on ever. I spent some time listening to sanskrit chanting and then I watched 4 episodes of The Soup. This was a big mistake because The Soup is hilarious and there were two moments where, I couldn't help myself, I actually laughed out loud. Sitting in first class, the people next to me looked at me like some rinky dink insane, tattoo'd freak laughing to herself :)
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The other problem with this whole Seattle thing is the fact that, when I'm there, I work in an office full time. Hands down everyone in my office last week was sick. Three people at the Rhino Flu, two people were just really sick and everyone else was either coming or going with it.... and, so, the telltale scratchy throat, burning eyes and headache that started yesterday around 3 did not make me a happy girl. It hasn't gotten worse (which makes me hope it isn't the flu) but it hasn't gotten better either.
Work is really the most chaotic thing in my life. It seems easy to figure out but it really just isn't. There are so many factors. The experience I can gain, the freedom and independence, the work product itself, etc. The money factor - I could be making more, should I worry about that? Is the equity worth it, could it ever make a difference in my life? All these questions have me spinning... and last week I thought I finally hit rock bottom and that I had "let go" of the control issues surrounding making this decision (if there is one to make)... and, yet, today it has reared it's ugly again. I feel a great sense of unease with where I'm at... but no real drive to change it for many, many reasons and those reasons are vastly laziness I think.
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No yoga... I want to be well.. and then I've told myself I will do sun salutations and finishing for 3 days... and then I will do half first and hten I will do a week or more of just first... and maybe someday I'll be ready to face second.... Kapotasana seems, literally, forever away. I did however watch this cool Bakasana instructional video today on YouTube which I found from V's link to Kino McGregor. I'm gonna try it as soon as I have some strength.... and the sore throat goes away.
Back to bed... and my tea...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:40 PM | Comments (0)
February 25, 2008
~Well~
It's not that I meant to be dramatic at all. I've been living in what I would consider the absolutely drench of the valley... I keep waiting to see a mountain, something to climb, conquer, have that direct path to go up towards you know... but it's pretty barren. Like Gobi and a really long walk.
A couple nights ago I even stepped onto a mat. V told me "Julie, just do sun salutations." So I did. They were lovely. Ever since my sternum has needed to pop and it just won't... and the pain is getting progressively worse and worse... until this evening I realized I had the thought in my head "My heart hurts" (and, yes, the pain is a big glow now, from the sternum out).
I can't tell if I'm stalling getting on my mat or just plain scared shitless to do it.
The week has been stressful. I've behaved in ways I am totally not proud of. I still have absolutely no clarity and I feel like a lost little deer, still unsure of which way the fire is burning but I also feel like I've completely hit rock bottom and the only way to go is completely with abandon for understanding or control (thank GOD yes I said it).
Sure, it would be easy to talk about it all publically.... but, really, the point is the chaos in my heart and not the circumstances that have brought it to bear.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:52 PM | Comments (7)
February 14, 2008
Lost
I have never ever felt like such a failure at something in my entire life.
The times when I have failed, I have an idea why. Or where I've veered. Or what I can work on. Or what I am doing on purpose.
In today's world I feel like I have completely screwed up everything and yet I have no idea what I'm doing.
Things aren't getting better. Things are bad. Really really really really bad.
I'm not gonna blog for awhile. I can't stand the whiney pathetic posts or the inability to blog about a yoga practice I don't have.
When the world feels like a place I want to be, I'll be back.
Until then... keep it together. Live, love, be happy.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:02 AM | Comments (14)
February 11, 2008
Lesson Learned
I have learned many lessons over the course of the last 7 days.
For those of you who will understand and absorb this, I *billed* 107 hours from Saturday of last week to Friday of this week as well as about 10 hours yesterday and 8 today.
The value add?
- I now understand that I will never allow this again. Nope, notta, not going to do it. Over my edge, over the line of reason.
- I now understand that I will, do and likely will continue to have absolute complete moments of hysteria... and that that's okay. It's who I am.
- I now understand how very little sleep a human being needs and how stupid it is to do that to yourself.
- I now know what Tiffany meant when she told me that THAT experiene can evoke THAT emotion.
- I now know that feeling safe means feeling vulnerable and special.
- I now know that I am way too analytical and sometimes I need to find the creativity.
I'm sure I know a host of other things too. I'm also quite confident that this knowledge could have been gained in so many more healthful ways. Hey, at least I'm not in England, traveling to Europe for the first time in my life and literally not leaving my hotel room for 7 days except for two meetings at an office building... I know that person and that sucks more.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:43 AM | Comments (4)
February 7, 2008
Nothing
I haven't had a day off of work in a couple of weeks I think.
I haven't had more than two hours of sleep in 3 days.
I went to give blood today... I showed up at 2:30. Apparently I was supposed to be fasting but I didn't know it. When they asked I said "Oh, that's okay, I haven't eaten since 6pm last night and today I've had one cup of coffee... is that fasting enough?" The blood trickled out... I turned white.
I haven't done yoga in weeks. I'm crushed.
I've cried three times in the last couple of days from pure utter exhaustion and stress.
Yes, I know... I know... I know that I am killing myself for nothing and I know that it's just work and I know that I have to take better care of myself and I know that I'm insane and I know all those things.... but, it is what it is today.
Tomorrow (or whenever tomorrow actually comes), tomorrow... I'll manifest change.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:58 AM | Comments (9)
February 4, 2008
Chaos
This weekend was a whirl of emotional upheaval. You know where the day goes by so fast because you aren't really sure what you are saying, what you mean or what the connection is supposed to be.
I did, however, accomplish at least one thing at work.
I have also discovered, definitively, that I'm anal retentive. That's I'm a perfectionist with high expectations of myself and everyone around me. In light of this, I am not quite sure how I've been so successful in my life. Why hasn't anyone knocked the hell out of me yet?
T gave me this book to read for my last flight. The Long Walk I've been thinking about it for days and highly recommend the story.
Tomorrow a new week starts. I hope to make this week brighter. If all else fails... brighter.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:49 AM | Comments (1)
February 2, 2008
Down In It
I learned a lot tonight about Ruby Bridges. The Daughter has a family project. We have to create a person book from construction paper. TBD has been working pretty hard on the artistic side of things... ensuring all sides are even, paper is cut to par (*sigh*). I started reading the requirements and found the "book" part of it. There were 6 direct questions to answer about the person. I began asking The Daughter the questions. She really believed in her answers. She explained how Ruby Bridges helped the world and how she picked her because she was a girl and she was strong. I did a quick search trying to find a picture of Ruby Bridges for the artistic side when we discovered that Ruby Bridges has her own website and does speaking engagements. The Daughter was fairly amazed to find that Ruby Bridges was "real" (i.e., not dead).
The Daughter had a basketball game today. She made the first basket and I finally got to see it. Awesome. Her team did really well but all of us parents were amazed at the other team. This was the second engagement with them. The first ending 40 to 2. TBD explained that the last game the other team had one good girl and were a basic team of one. Today's game was no exception. The theme of the game was "Marissa is open!" Marissa was aggressive and good. We noticed consistently the theme of going in and grabbing the ball and doing, what I thought, ended up in a toss up. But everytime it happened, the team grabbing got the ball. I noticed our girls weren' doing this and I came to believe they were as confused as the parents. At some point, a parent on our side asked why the star of the other team was never cycled out. At 6, snuffy basketball, you wouldn't think you'd have to worry about these things. She was shuffled out for 15 minutes and played the rest.
In truth, none of this bothered me. I was concerned about the impression it might make but I was glad my child wasn't on that team. On her team she's learning that fast, small, good shooters, girls that can dribble, they are all important and everyone gets a chance to get better. I would be upset if my child never got a chance at the ball because the object of the game was to get the ball to Marissa.
So tonight I was taking a bath and The Daughter was keeping me company. We talked about Ruby Bridges and some other odds and ends when she brought up the basketball game and, would you know it, but she brought up the exact same issues. Why were they allowed to always grab the ball why didn't the other girls on the other team get to play. Were they supposed to be grabbing the ball too? I told her my best advice was for her to talk to her coach about it. Ask him what the rules are and, if they are allowed, then go for it.
The stress level is still on maximum overdrive. Tonight I found a few glimmers of normalcy... but only a few before the world imploded once more.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:55 PM | Comments (3)
I Love My Dog
Dogs are great. My Dog will wait for me downstairs, quietly wagging her tail, at the turn from the kitchen to go upstairs. She'll wait at the first step, then the first flight, then finally at the top until she makes sure, at each wait, that I'm still behind her. Then she ensures that I sit down on the bed before she plops herself down in front of the fire and quietly begins snoring (and sometimes whimpering -- those must be scary dreams).
Loyalty.
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I used to think I had a lot of loyalty. I think I still do but I'm so confused and going through such a state that I question everything I am, including my sanity.
If I stop and think of ALL the things I'm dealing with, if I listed them here in my blog, each and every one of you would completely leave in outrage. Hell, I might be one of them. As singular entities they aren't too bad but piled together, yes, my friends, I am insane. I have gone way too far into some other realm away from inner peace. I feel very "stuck" in some ways and in other ways just completely amazed at the levity. It's that fine balance you know. If the stuck ways were greater than the levitational moments, the balance would tip one way or the other but I think I've gotten to the top of the totem pole... that place where the balances can't tilt one way or another... will one every over fill?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:05 AM | Comments (2)
February 1, 2008
Mini Acrobats
Man... just man... I keep saying "What a day" but I'm slowly realizing this is every day. That isn't life. I'm really trying to remember why I'm working this hard. I'm really trying to weigh the choice and I'm just getting nowhere. I might end up not where I thought I'd be or I might end up somewhere better.
Manifest. Manifest. Manifest.
It's always worked for me before. Do you think it works when I'm not sure what I'm wanting to manifest?
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After a grueling day, I screwed up the tickets for Cirque. When I looked this morning to confirm the time, I look at the tickets I gave my mom. Which are for a 5pm show. Our show started at 4pm. Unfortunately, I didn't realize this until 3:05pm.
I am seeing a pattern in me. I am so stressed that when the slightest thing goes out of whack, I'm careened over the edge. And, I'm ashamed to say, I have been losing it. I am trying to find the consciousness of the act but it seems remote and fuzzy.
Nevertheless we actually made it. I was a bit stunned at the commercialisim. Not the little gift stand but the announcement of all the various sponsors at the beginning of the show. The kids really liked the first half. The second half wasn't as exciting. The strength and agility of the cast is always truly amazing.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:54 AM | Comments (3)