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December 29, 2007
Abundant Blessings
Practice today: heavy, lazy, tired, no drive, no desire to perform, tight hips, weak biceps, even weaker wrists... what's a bandha? Do I have them? Will I ever have one? Not if my ass stays this huge.. well there's a great yogic thought.. inhale... why am I here.. oh yea, I like this... okay wait that feels great... repeat every half hour but manage to breathe at some point in between.
I have seriously debated asking my teacher if I should start back at the beginning. I don't feel qualified to be doing any of second but, I would actually miss it. I love the back bending and I'm finally starting to feel the legs and the heart opening. So I won't ask.. because I'd be terrified he'd agree.
New Year's Even is upon us. I keep getting asked what my plans are... I don't have one. I will hope for yoga in the morning (regardless of how much I am dreading it). We are planning on making our own pizzas with fresh dough. I am going to make a classic garlic and basil one while the kids cook plain cheese. Along with that I'm going to make fresh pomegranate vinargrette with red leafed greens. I will have an hour to myself in the late evening so I might go to a yogi gathering... or maybe I'll get a movie... or have a glass of chilled wine from my new wine fridge.
I got in a discussion today with a girlfriend about backbending not being about the back. It has taken me a long time to feel backbends in my quads rather than in my lower back. I very often don't think of my "back" anymore... only about the stretch through the lower half of my body... trying to slightly move up the spine one backbend at a time... I remember my teacher telling me "No legs!"
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So YogaMum blog blessed me. She called me an inspiration.
The words confuse me. I mean, I feel like I really like who I am and what I am about... but I sure don't feel like anyone's inspiration. I feel like a big huge confused all the way Down In It individual.
When I think about blessings though... I think of abundance and that leads me to the first Blog Blessing who introduced me to that word recently. I mean, sure, I knew the word but I didn't really stop and think about what that means. In Shasta, JM used that word a lot... and has since... whether it is the tone of voice or the inspiration of someone living their life on their own unique path, no holds barred, balls to the wall... whatever, I truly understood the word abudance. I just found out tonight that Shasta is on this year. So I'm very ready to find the path of appreciating abundance and slowing down a little bit before August comes.
So I have abundance in life... in so many ways. Confused and abundant isn't half bad.
My next blessing lands on OKRGR. I saw OKRGR at practice this morning and something about his energy has changed. I see this often with long time practitioners... maybe a sort of "giving in" (I know don't squirm OKRGR).
The bloggin’ blessing was started by Ukok, who explains:
The idea… it’s a game of tag with a difference, rather than looking inwardly, we look outside ourselves and bless, praise and pray for one blog friend. By participating in this endeavour we not only make the recipient of the blessing feel valued and appreciated, but we are having some fun too. We’re going to see how far the bloggin’ blessings can travel around the world and how many people can be blessed! Recipients of a bloggin’ blessing may upload the above image to their sidebar if they choose to. If you receive a bloggin’ blessin’ please leave a comment on this thread here so that we can rejoice in just how many blessings have been sent around the world!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:29 AM | Comments (3)
December 27, 2007
A New Mantra
A crazy morning... but I landed on the mat at 9am. It wasn't a soft or skilled landing. But it was. The Man is out sick today. I was lazy. My arms were tired. My ass was lead. I debated my whole practice. In the end I crazed myself that I'll never get strong if I don't just do it. So I did. That doesn't mean I didn't whip through Kapotasana as soon as I knew no one would have time to adjust me.. or that I didn't struggle through first series... the decline has come that far. Change seems an uphill climb rather than just a mental change of scenery the way it always has been in the past.
It seems to me that my back is actually getting more open while my hips close way up. Wierd.
Or, wait, I guess it is my heart that is becoming more open... while my hips close way up.
Well, now, see, that doesn't sound so bad. Bring on the frilly yoga talk!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:30 PM | Comments (3)
Reality
The days up to the winter holidays are always somewhat of a blur. So much to do, especially when we do our family gifts on Yule. Today felt like a long slow day of reality. Work... laundry... clean up... work...
I still have two Christmas gifts to get. Talk about procrastination. Speaking of... anyone gonna be near Elizabeth street after practice one day?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:15 AM | Comments (0)
December 26, 2007
Mhmmm Mhmmm Good
Dinner for something like 24 tonight. 18 adults, 6 kids or something... The menu:
Pumpkin, Corn & Lemongrass Soup
Organic Greens with Pears, Candied Pecans and Champagne Vinagrette
Spice Roasted Turkey with Gravy
Bacon greased brussel sprouts
Hazelnut butter green beans
Traditional Mashed Potatoes
Traditional Stuffing
-- the soup, I didn't get to try
-- the salad I didn't get to try
When you're cooking for 24, it's a well orchestrated event... you don't talk to me, you don't expect me to smile... no cooking for 24 is like CATERING... I enjoy it, I get into it, but don't expect me to be social during it. It takes brain power, coordination and, frankly, balls. So leave me alone until the food is on the table then pour me a HUGE glass of the best wine on the table.
When I started making the turkey this morning I was a bit freaked... it didn't smell or look quite right.. I didn't realize the gravy was so involved in the pre-roasting period and I underestimated the effort. I was worried enough that I sent for store bought canned gravy "just in case." For those of you that don't know me, it is pretty momentenous that I would ask for this. I would never serve store bought canned gravy unless desperate.
I had everything prepared at just the right time. My mom helped, there were so many people about it was hard to keep it all straight and I'm sure my energy is equivalent to, well, bitch. That's okay... anyone pulling that off would be a bitch. In the end, the beans rocked, the brussel sprouts (I mean how can you go wrong with bacon grease?)... the turkey was amazing and the gravy was hands down the best gravy I have EVER made.
I opened Jenna's bottle of Talley Pinot (which everyone loved) followed by a bottle of Cakebread Cab. Those were pre-dinner-ed with a lovely Beajoulis and a Chianti. Maybe dinner tasted so good 'cause I was already drunk?
Needless to say.. I'm not planning on practice tomorrow :)
The kids were up at 5am. Somehow they decided it was okay to open their stocking before we got up. It was interesting to lay in bed and listen to their conversations... the ones they don't think we can hear.
Merriest of Christmas to everyone on planet earth.
Jaya Hanuman...
Son of the Wind
Victorious Son Of the Wind
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:49 AM | Comments (2)
December 25, 2007
Wish You Were Here
Woke up in flannel sheets this morning, barely able to rouse myself... tired... sore... spent. Downed a Starbucks Double Shot (no coffee maker here :( ) and ran to practice. I got there about as everyone was finishing. The room was packed and steamy... so steamy. Walking in was like carving through a thick smoke of prana. So much energy. So many vibrations.
So much like home.
My practice started off okay but around seated... when the room became empty and the opaque windows lost much of their steam, that wave of Prana took with it the last of my stira. Or Sukha... or both. I actually did my whole practice but with little conviction and it showed. Ah well... I still did it.
After I had another crappy day at work. First it was work and then it was the exceptionally late notice that I'd have an additional 4 mouths to feed tomorrow on top of the 16 or so I already had. It is Christmas afterall.
Tonight I made butternut squash soup for tomorrow, and hazelnut spiced butter.. and finished the shopping list... and wrapping those last gifts. I am 100% sure I have forgotten something or another. My plan is to start drinking around noon tomorrow so that I don't care what I mess up :)
I've been having a lot of problems lately accepting my position career wise. I haven't been able to tell if I'm vascillating, confused or just scared. I think it is somewhat a combination of all those feelings but I also discovered tonight a really big clue as to motivation. I've spent the better part of two years building my place in this industry. Knowing that I made a mark, an impression... that I worked into being well respected and in demand. I knew that by putting in the time and energy I'd be self-sufficient and secure. Not necessarily financially either... just sort "made it there." I've given up most of that for a real big huge unknown. I've watched offers for lots of money fall by the wayside as I continue to convince myself that risk is worth the payoff in the end. It's a super hard place to be in right now in life. I suppose one could say that I'm nearly frozen for want of the appropriate insight or guidance or gut instinct. Any single one of those would do.
I got two Christmas presents today! Tiff gave me a nice present and The Best Friend gave me this really cool statue that I have to look into further. It's rare that I get gifts from people who think about ME... Someone else told me they got me a present too. I'm not ashamed to say I like presents.
Truth be told, though, if I'm hard pressed, I can't think of anything I really want more than time... and clarity... and to land Baksana B. A least with the latter, I have some control.
Today someone asked me if I was going to Shasta this year. I do really want to go but I don't think I made the list. In honor of thinking about it, tonight, we listened to Pink Floyd.
Thursday, cold rushing rivers... the perfect day.
Wish You Were Here
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:15 AM | Comments (3)
December 23, 2007
May The Force Be With You
Sometimes I check my blog stats. I find it interesting the things people find my blog by googling. I always feel a pang of fear when someone looks for my name directly... or something clearly identifiable as looking for "me."
Over the course of the past couple of years, I get an awful lot of hits related to mastectomies and, especially, preventative in nature. I sometimes tell myself that I'm silly for still having "feelings" related to cutting off a part of my body.. especially a part that has so many implications to the psyche and the soul: it's sexual, it's nourishing.. Most of the time I just forget about it but, to be honest, everytime I take off my shirt, the thought crosses my mind. If I try looking at them in an effort to "get to know them" they become more and more land man-made well "mounds" as they call them during the actual operation or on the pathology report... Once you've read a pathology report about your breasts, they simply cease to exist in the same light for you as they might have once. Along with sexual and nourishing comes diseased... The process, whatever your particular process is or has been, will always be associated with them. That process may be short or long or for ever and ever... each one of us has our own. Sometimes, when I can disassociate myself with my soul, I can look at them for the scientific achievement that they are. I mean, really, they do look awfully good.. upon further inspection, you'll find the scars hidden in the crease, or the slight indentation on the left side which you think occurred from the strap of the so-horrific-you-can-barely-think-about-it healing bra or the fine ripples... this is what sets them apart from what is God-given (whomever God may be for you) or, rather, human.
I sometimes forget all this sits in my brain and find it stunning when something prompts it to all come out. I imagine I am not alone in this aspect of this particular journey.
The catalyst for today's thoughts was my son exclaiming in glee over my allowing him to get popcorn from Blockbuster with the big flashy marketing that said "Real Movie Theater Butter" -- chemicals... all chemicals... *hangs head in shame*
I had to get one last present at the store today. We are giving the kids a new computer from Santa this year. We thought we only needed the box but then yesterday their monitor blrew. So I thought I'd run over to best buy... Before I left I told myself that I should just do yoga and breathe. I don't normally do well shopping on a regular day let alone the Sunday before Christmas. On the way I was chatting on the phone (I know *GASP*) and we got to talking about using jedi mind tricks. So I decided to try it. I got off the freeway to a stream of cars to get in the parking lot. I pulled in, turned a corner and got a parking spot right in the front. I walked in, I got my stuff, I got in line... I walked out. It was painless... or maybe it was just my attitude.
May the FORCE be with you.
Jai Hanuman
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:48 PM | Comments (1)
December 22, 2007
Dear Santa
The kids opened their presents tonight. The real digital cameras and the cell phone where a big hit. Yes, I gave my son a cell phone. I preprogrammed it for mom, dad and grandma. I gave strict rules as to expected use. I explained that this is only while mommy is out of town a lot and that once I discontinue that practice, the cell phone will go away. I am still not sure how I feel about this. It was something I've been thinking about for awhile... and, yet, I'm vastly uncomfortable with it.
So, for a few months now I've been dying to get a big fluffy terry cloth robe. One that is terry enough that you can put it on after the shower and yet fluffy enough that you just want to curl up on the couch on a cold winter rainy day in it. I haven't told anyone this is what I want for Christmas because, well, I haven't thought of it as something I want... I really want it but I'm not really good at asking for what I want and so usually I don't. Not to mention that I just feel like if I want a terry cloth robe, I should just buy my own terry cloth robe. I clearly have issues with feeling dependent or indebted to anyone. But, heck, that's alright.
Tonight was one of those Nine Inch Nail, Down In It, type of nights. Melodramatic because you want it to be... because being in that space is the right place to be, the place your heart needs to be to feel. Sometimes, you just need a night like that....
Reminiscent of math sculptures.
Hari Hari Boom Boom
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:55 PM | Comments (3)
Happy Solstice
The days start getting longer now... thank God. Maybe longer days will buy me some time.
Practice last night... first series class that apparently Kiran was supposed to teach but at the last minute sent someone else. When he first walked in he said we could do whatever we wanted "If you want to do Mysore, or led first... or..." So I piped up "Really? Oh gosh I would be so happy..." No one else wanted to do Mysore but he let me do it anyway while they all did led first. I knew I was gonna have to leave early so I was glad to be able to modify the practice and get some nerve cleansing in... I really needed second series last night. I did through Supta Kurmasana and then on to second... no adjustment in Bhekasana even though I stared at the teacher... he just smiled and looked away :( I don't like doing second without a Bhekasana adjustment. What a whiner I am. Kapotasana was not bad except that I could see myself in the health clubs's mirrors and got all disgruntled and down on myself looking in the mirror.
I don't know if I mentioned it but I've started taking BCP and they are doing a number on my body. Not only are my cycles out of whack but I have gained about 10 pounds of pure fat... I've noticed it but seeing it in the circle of mirrors last night really made me sad. I already struggle with self-image enough that seeing the pudginess while doing asana sorta killed my mood. On the one hand, the BCP have eliminated the tumultuous monthly cycles I was having... on the other, I know feel like a big whale. Reminiscent of childbirth, I'm slowly forgetting the monthly pain that I so often complained about... and, yet, I know there was enough desperation to drive me to taking these things in the first place. Love myself the way I am, have compassion... stop looking in mirrors.
Today we'll do our family celebration of the sun... mellow and small this year compared to year's past. I simply haven't had the time to acknowledge the season or create ritual. I can't wait to get back to the days when I have the time for life. It will come... it is coming.
Happy Solstice.
Merry Yule
Live in gratitude, abudance and love.
Practice and all is coming.
Om Shanti Shanti Shanti
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:39 PM | Comments (0)
December 19, 2007
A Place For The Sweaters
Long week... but good. Seattle was cold and wet and cold (oh did I say that twice?). First I got to go to Karazi's jewelry show (where I gave myself a beautiful Ganesh/glass pendant) and then to dinner with JumpsThruSomeday (but already is) and OneCrookedFella at Tilthe. Since they are two of my favorite yogis, this was much fun for me. (So so so... how did Thursday go?)
I did a couple self practices. I had a really good Kapotasna one day. Probably just the late hour but it felt wonderful nonetheless. The pose is starting to be less scary and more just about the doing. Now finding my bandhas? That is starting to be what looks to be impossible (just like Kapotasana used to be... and before that... and before that...).
Work... was work. Busy... crazy... and also stimulating and fun. If I didn't have kids right now, I'd be having the time of my life. Seriously. Mommy guilt is one of the worst and most elusive feelings in the world. We had our company holiday party. Let's just say... that I had such a stressful day... that I wound up starting the evening with a mudslide (shot containing kalua, vanilla vodka and baileys... yes it tastes just like chocolate milk). Then I had about 7 more. The key here is that I don't drink hard alcohol and probably haven't in 7 years. I sprinkled in a few glasses of wine. I had on a bitchen dress that was low cut (like all the way to the breast bone... but the bonus of having had bilateral mastectomies is that my breasts don't move and stay perky... meaning I can now wear stuff like this) and my new Karazi glass pendant topped with 4" man-inspired pantent leather pumps (that are TOO cute). The valet guy ended up hitting on me all night (and since he was cute, this was quite flattering) and there were lots of laughs and surprises. Fortunately, somewhere at some point found me in my hotel room where I managed to remove my clothes and find my way between the top sheet and the comforter where I promptly fell asleep until my phone rang in the morning. The pounding in my head and fundamental difficulty recollecting all events of the previous night reminded me of all the reasons I don't drink hard alcohol... ever. It was fun though (and, yes, I remember the whole night though some of the edges are a bit fuzzy).
Later in the week I got to meet up with Neti and Mrs. Neti for a bowl of chowder at the chowder house. HOORAY. I love Mrs. Neti... she is hands down one of the most beautiful women I've ever met who also is awesomably personnable. Yes I officially now make up my own words.
Flew home on my free upgrade to first class (which I think I only get the perk til the end of the year which sucks) and did up the Yule tree with the family and went to practice this morning... my teacher back... I am so happy.
I have found that I do best when I only do first series within 24 hours of travel. Today my left shoulder was just aching... this is a result of carrying a heavy bag while traveling. I was only going to do first... but when I finished Setu Bandhasana I saw my teacher looking at me with that questioning look like "What are you copping out yet again?" So I went for it. I'm glad I did... I had a lovely Kapotasana which won one of the very few uttered "That was good" sentences. The girl next to me leaned over and said "Coming from there, that means it was fabulous."
The elation was duly crushed when, after my first attempt to jump into Bakasana, he said kindly from the other side of the room "You won't earn any frequent flier miles with that."
No, no, I suppose those free first class upgrades aren't available on the mat, are they?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:38 AM | Comments (5)
December 10, 2007
Well....
Something happend in my professional life that I just really didn't want to happen. The thing is I knew it would happen.... I just didn't really want it to. And, if it had to, I just didn't really want it to happen right now.
I'm trying to figure out all the reasons why I didn't want this particular event to occur. It's really a cross-over of my personal life to my professional life. The fringes had already been frayed but now the stray thread has been pulled and it is only a matter of time until the rest comes with it. I hope my frantic side-stitching can at least prolong the inevitable for a bit longer... I'm just not ready for this one yet.
I had a lovely lovely practice on Saturday. An improv class. I went to class angry and so full of energy.. angry energy. My practice was solid, light and flexible. I even was able to sneak in Kapotasana after a fairly extensive warm up of the groin during a bunch of improv postures. Raja Kapotasana first -- got my foot to head all the way and then Kapotasana felt lovely... really lovely.... so lovely, I did it willingly about 3 times. Kapotasana B felt the best of all.
Seattle this week. I hoping to get to dinner with JumpsThruSomeday and OneCrookedFella... and practice at David's... a holiday party downtown on Friday night.... as always, pure business with some yoga sprinkled in.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:39 AM | Comments (4)
December 8, 2007
Blog?
Time is short. I, meticulously, move through the number of things I can give up in a day in order to "fit it all in." I still never manage to fit it in. All that is. Always something missing. Always one of the things you wonder if you'll miss later.
Yoga is one of those. It's not that I haven't practiced. It's that I'm not practicing every day. My body is in a general state of completely rebellion. Ah, well, all we have is this moment.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:42 AM | Comments (0)
December 3, 2007
Do You Like What You See?
SNOW.
It snowed.
At first I thought it was cute... I was sitting in a storefront and I noted the snow and I said "Hey, look it's snowing!" We ran into the car, snowflakes falling on our heads... and then it continued to snow... and like an hour later, the streets were solid white, the trees were heavy with white. And it was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I admit it.
In downtown Seattle, it was like being in a movie. Sitting in a restaurant, the snow blowing outside...
And then... a few hours of watching it went by and then, well, it was just cold. When I woke up this morning it was pouring down rain, the beautiful snow slush.. and it was colder. So I got on a plane and flew to sunny Southern California :)
Ah... Southern California.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:26 AM | Comments (2)