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November 30, 2007
SNOW!
Oh My Word! I heard it is supposed to snow tomorrow. SNOW! Listen Gods, I don't do snow. Nope, I don't want to be in the snow unless I have big huge snowboots to go out in, a glass of red wine and a fireplace to come back to (or, hell, spend the day in front of). Snow... as if.
I haven't made it to David's this trip despite my best internal intentions to not let travel interfere. The larger problem is that I don't rent a car while up here and that puts me at the mercy of borrowed cars or hitching a ride. I did practice this evening though. I wore a ton of layers and drew an immense heat. It was late so I was open and it got to be the exact kind of practice I needed. Solitary, feels good physically and unrushed. I don't know how long I actually practiced but I did do half of primary and my poses in second (minus Supta Vajrasana 'cause I just couldn't figure out how to do that on my own) plus a bunch of dropbacks. It was great.
I also got to realize tonight just how much I love to have just me time. I've always been a fairly solitary person and always needed some decompress time. I can remember The Best Friend telling me how I would come home from work and go into my room for awhile until I could be civil and social again. I think over the years of being a parent, I've forgotten how much I am like that... so, it was nice tonight when everyone left the office and I could take a hot shower, eat a bowl of yogurt and listen to silence. Ah... yes... I remember that drink.
I'm getting short sips of another drink I've tasted before. When you feel something you know is a truth and yet you desperately don't want to trust your intuition. It could be about anything really --- work, relationships, your favorite deoderant getting discontinued (yes, I still mourn the day).. whatever.. it's the same niggle, the thought that keeps putting itself front and center, until you stop and recognize it is doubt or fear or something akin to one of those emotions... and, yet, even with the recognition, you can't quite make out a clear picture of what it is applicable to... it's just just a fuzzy face that hasn't quite materialized.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:03 PM | Comments (7)
November 26, 2007
Uphill or Downhill
Have you ever reached a point in the journey of life when you aren't quite sure if the next step is all uphill... the perservance to make it to the top and down the other side... or if the next step is going to be a slow but steady downhill jog. I'm not even quite sure what the catalyst for recognition of that stage is, I just know I am waiting to figure out the effort level.
I missed practice this morning. I got a support email from a client, sat down to troubleshoot, found a larger problem... so I didn't make it. I didn't feel so bad though figuring I could definitely make Kiran's Intro to Second class. While the opportunity to practice with our substitute instructor is a great opportunity, I am my teacher's student and I miss his energy. Intro to Second was fun though and I'm glad I went. We did some fun stuff. My right knee is really bothering me though. I am growing worried about it. The cramps are getting worse. Noted them in Shalabasana, Laghu, Kapo, Bakasana... I was also given the trick to growing my bandas!!!!
I can't do handstands and I struggle with headstands because I'm too in my shoulders and not strong enough in my core. Kiran had us do Bakasana C (she made it up :>) where we entered into a tripod headstand, lowered our knees onto the backs of our arms and lifted our head. I can't do this.. but, for the first time ever, I was able to feel where the work is. I think I should work on this manuever everyday for awhile. I struggle just with the tripod headstand so this should keep me entertained for quite a long time... but there is no hurry... it is only asana and it is what it is.
Seattle this week... it should be one helluva a week... time in the making so to speak... valley or peak... to be seen.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:41 AM | Comments (6)
November 24, 2007
World Without End
I had a good night last night. I just hung out, I didn't work... Had some great conversation, some good food and I prepared lentils for the week for lunches. The Kids and I went to Starbucks for coffee and breakfast this morning. So often coffee is a drive thru expression to gratify the addition that I really noticed the enjoyment of just sitting and drinking a cup of coffee. That's twice in the past month I've enjoyed such a time and I sorta think I should make more room for it.
I made chocolate chip cookies tonight. They were yummy.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:26 PM | Comments (0)
Yes I Suck -- I Own It
OMG I can count the number of things I truly suck at right now. Let's see, I don't answer emails or phone calls or, hell, even to questions I agree to answer. It's like I'm in this deep valley and can't claw my way out to clarity.
It all started making sense though... today... when I found this website called MyMedication For Life.com I was reading through the symptoms when a new hypothyroid symptom appeared that I never considered before.
For the past few months I've been having these gnarly cramps. In my calves. I get done in by Laghu Vajrasana. My toes curl in from the pain and I have to manually pry them straight to relieve the pain. It is that or jump up and hop around the studio like a freak (or perhaps the former is just as silly). They hurt. badly. I have found that lately I'm just full of excuses... my knee hurts (now it is the right one instead of the left), my pecs don't work, my calves cramp... yada yada yada.
So when I read that being hypo includes muscle aches and cramps... well, it all made sense. You see I suck at so many things right now that I've also sucked at taking my medication appropriately. Here and there I remember but I haven't been taking it... I'm so upside down it isn't even funny. I got all the hypo symptoms going on and I've just been too crazy to notice the fog of it. No wonder I'm a basket case.
That's when I looked at the bottle in my purse and realized that I have no refills and only a couple pills left. What sucks for someone like me is that I've been taking the same dosage of the same medication for more than 10 years and, yet, I am, every 6 months having to give blood and visit the doctor and yada yada.. and, you know, I simply don't do it. I find it a nuisance. I wish they could give you like a 2 year prescription or something... or even a year. I could deal with a year (I think).
So, if I am ignoring you (and, no, Wi, you are not the only person to be so clear with me recently), I'm sorry. If I told you I'd call you back... I probably won't. If I said I was available on a certain date, I'm never really sure until that day. I suck and I'm sorry. I will get it together.
Jai Hanuman... I will.
--- Edited to Add
Today's Rumi
(much needed and much appreciated)
If you have headaches and troubles,
fall in love.
You'll free yourself
of all your pain and suffering.
If he blows on the ney a little stronger,
the salve will be placed on your eye,
and you'll be able to see the beloved's face.
You have fallen into the beloved's arm.
You are in his hand.
He carries you.
Don't ever reflect on the end.
You'll just become confused and lose your mind.
Mind... definitely gone.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:53 AM | Comments (3)
November 21, 2007
Nuances
Practice today was my first with the instructor filling in for my teacher while he is out of the country. The room defnitely had a different energy. I was happy to show up a few minutes early this morning and instead of finding a bunch of people finishing up the first series class, the cat away... instead, the room was packed, the steam made the windows opaque and their were in the midst of the Hanuman Chalisa as in the tradition on Tuesdays. Nice... tradition.
It was definitely a different practice. On the one hand, with a new teacher, especially one of this caliber, you want to "perform" and do all the things right so I think the energy in me was definitely more serious than perhaps I've been lately. I noticed all the little things I just don't pay attention to... how lame is that. I should always be paying attention. Respect. I also noticed all the little places where I just thought about an adjustment from someone who doesn't know my practice. It's not that I didn't want adjustments but that I realized I've become dependent on certain adjustments (and I really did miss those today). I stalled in Kapotasana today so that he wouldn't assist me. I just gotta get a bit of an experience with the new energy first.
I loved practice today though. I loved the sweat... loved the steam... just loved it. Ah... practice... all is coming.
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I never figured out the work thing. I actually asked someone that I know really well about it and explained the situation. Granted, I'm sure the other party has their own explanation but I can only explain my truth. I still just don't get the whole interaction and it has me a bit spun out.
On the other hand, I've been doing a lot of actual work with work product. It's a nice thing to be doing. We are on the verge, however, of major changes and I hope that everyone's interests stay aligned. Manifest.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:42 AM | Comments (2)
November 20, 2007
Communication
I've become too well known. I think people that I work with are reading my blog now. It's too easy to find. My archives are too long. My life way too exposed.
Then I think, what the hell ever. I'm the same way with everyone I meet. I don't do a good job of lying or of being something I'm not or of hiding the things I'm thinking or worried over. I really am just this way all the time. So, whatever... love me or leave me. It really doesn't matter. What's supposed to happen will and I can only be, forever, who I am in it.
Life would often be much easier if I just wasn't so transparent. I sometimes think, this art of being removed from oneself, is a wonderful step on the journey of self-discovery... but, then, I often wonder if it isn't about separation at all but a deep moving intimacy that allows you to stop and consider prior to exposing yourself.
At work today I had this communication that is just beyond me. Like all day, I've been pondering the interaction. Could I have done something differently? Said something differently? Had a different attitude? The truth is, the more I stare at it, the further away I get from feeling as if I could have changed or done anything better. And, yet, the whole thing was so icky that I've found myself reflecting on it all day. Sorta like at the wall and can't get over it I suppose. Where's the message?
I find that I often think there is a message in everything we do. We have something to gain, learn, teach.. something we do in the moment and if we can observe that, we learn something from it internally. I wish I could get this one...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:03 AM | Comments (9)
November 19, 2007
Gettin' It Together
That's how I felt all day. Like I was getting it together. It's not that Sunday Morning First Series was great. In fact, practice was an extraordinary adventure down sore, tired, distracted, have no desire to be on the mat land. I felt bad for my teacher... like my complete lack of discipline and stability with the practice is disrespectful to him.
I'm at one of those places where everything hurts. Knees, arms... ankles.. this means it can only get better. Practice.
And food. Part of getting it together was my trip to the HFS today. My favorite place. I love going down every aisle. Today I bought bulgur and lentils and some celery and carrots and feta cheese... and I'm gonna make some big salad out of it.
It all sorta fell apart later on tonight though. That euphoric, yea, mean, this is the way I'm living feeling. Fear.
Abhaya.
Jai Ma.
*edited to add: Apparently, it is the anniversary of my first class with my teacher. How blessed I am in this life.
*edited again to add:
Just found this original drawing of my tattoo:
http://blogs.ashtangi.net/fiw/archives/tatwithwords.gif
I think maybe I should do the dots now? I don't think they can do the inside of the heel design anymore but I do they think can do the dots.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:02 AM | Comments (1)
November 17, 2007
SoapBox
Two blogs in one day! Wow...
Nothing pisses me off more than stuff like this:
Parents in Prince George’s County have been ordered to appear at a special court hearing Saturday where they will be given a choice: Get their children vaccinated on the spot or risk up to 10 days in jail and fines.
Of course in this state, there are exemptions and those will be ordered.... but the exemption is only valid for medical or religious reasons. In other words, if I lived in this county, I'd be taken to jail and fined because I'd have no valid exemption.
What is the difference between a "religious" and a "philosophical" exemption. In California, thank all things holy, we are provided with a third option, philosophical exemption. I just don't understand the difference and what is a religion then... can I say "my religion" or does it have to be a recognized by the state religion? and if so, what happened to separation of church and state?
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I'm having this large issue at work. I've never faced this issue before ever. Normally the interpersonal thing is really super easy for me... it's really pushing my edge. I'm not really liking it.
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Tonight was a 5pm glass of wine night. At least it is a Friday night.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:30 AM | Comments (8)
November 16, 2007
Come Out Come Out Wherever You Are
Yesterday I went to practice... and that run up the hill was evident from moment one. My hamstrings were screaming and they just never really loosened up. When my teacher approached me for Trivikurmasana he shook his head and said "What's up?" I said "Oh I went for a run yesterday and my hamstrings are locked up." He shook his head and said "Well, I hope you learned your lesson." Lesson processed.
I spent all day yesterday working on the charity website that our company owns a percentage of. I'd link to it but it's all professional and stuff and the website analytics would bring people in the know back here and I'm still attempting to keep my business and personal lives somewhat separate. It's a concept of sending out charitable donations to people but the catch is, they are pretty and they allow the recipient to select who they donate the money to rather than you picking PETA and sending it to someone who doesn't believe in that charity. If you'd like to check it out, do a google on charity gift card ;)
After spending an entire day figuring out the platform and making changes, etc., etc. I pulled my head out of the sand and met up with Tiff for sushi. I was so glad I got out and did something other than sit over my computer, typing away.
Even better was that I actually got up this morning and went to practice, pre-7am start... finished first at 8am and thought "second..no... second.. no... second... no.... shit.. second" So I started second. It felt foreign and scary and tight. I setup for Supta Virasana which is a mandatory assist pose for me and my teacher knows it. He setup for the assist and I said "I did second today just for this assist. I really don't want to do Kapotasana." He grunted and moved on. Everything in second just felt, well, wrong. Somehow my heart just wasn't open to the poses. My physical body was tired. First time I've done my whole practice in quite a long time and I lost all stamina, all strength... Laghu was tough.. I barely held it two breaths... then Kapotasana... and, you know what? It wasn't all that bed. I went back on my own, grabbed to the top of my toes and then the assistant moved my hands to just below my heels and I thought to myself "You know what? I'm fine right here.. slow and easy back to this." So when he told me to straighten my arms and lift my head I said no and hung out there. When I came up I said "I haven't done that pose in like a month." The assistant said "Oh the first time is the easy one..the second time will kill you." So I said "Well, should I just do it again then and get it out of the way?" Set up for it and leaned backwards and though "NO WAY!" My muscles were flat out done, no juice... so I bailed out of it. I couldn't even hold my toes on my own in Supta Vajrasana which has been months since I couldn't do that. Isn't it funny how your body is something to work with.
After dropbacks my teacher said something interesting to me.
Teacher: "I remember when you couldn't find your legs."
Me: "Yea"
Teacher: "Now, legs very strong."
Me: look of surprise
Teacher: "Some progress."
Yes, some progress.... now to find bandhas and biceps.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:18 PM | Comments (2)
November 14, 2007
Yesterday's Title
I forgot to actually write about my title yesterday....
After practice (asana practice) yesterday I had a conference call with a client... we were doing the agenda for the call when my client made a comment about wanting to be me. When I inquired as to what they meant, they responded that I was "so calm and centered" this morning. Ah.... yoga.
Today, on the other hand, I was calm and crazy busy. It was fun. I finally felt like I was doing something productive and valuable... and, more importantly, something that wasn't management and that was actually fun.
I took the dog out for a very short run today. I found this big hill of stairs by a park... straight up. I ran them once. Then down... then home. My quads are sore and my hamstrings are tight... but it was a good quick way to break a sweat and that felt good.
I took the kids to get ice cream today. We received some Cold Stone gift certificates for a good deed we did. I let the kids order their ice cream and decided, amazingly, that I just didn't feel hungry for ice cream. When I handed over the cards the young boy told me they were empty. I explained that I had just received them... he ran them through, studied them... handed them back to me and said "Our machine appears to be broken, I don't know what it is on them." I said "Uh.. o .. kay... uh.." as he walked back into the back through the door... so I said "Uh, well, what about the ice cream?"
He said "Don't worry about it," and walked away.
Karma.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:38 PM | Comments (0)
November 13, 2007
Calm and In Control
I had breakfast with the kids this morning, drove over to school, waited with The Daughter until the bell rang. Watched The Son in a school musical presentation. I watched the whole thing even when I wanted to bail at 8:40 to make practice at 9... but I can't be such a horribly selfish parent that I don't stay after being in Seattle for a week.
In the end, I booked out of there and was there just on time. I did only first series today. I don't even have the nerve to stare kapotasana in the face. It really isn't the act of doing kapotasana anymore either. Kapotasana isn't even my last pose.. but, let's face it, when we have been disciplined enough and steadfast enough and clean enough to feel positive giddiness when facing "your pose" (Kapotasana for me, Dwi Pada for others and for others it is perhaps not the physical pose at all.. it's all about your yoga) that's when we know we are practicing the true physical limb of asana through ashtanga yoga. It's about the discipline to show up and act like a practitioner and the embodiment of the discernment that is required to do that. We all come and go... some less often than others... some people maybe never do. The recognition of the practice carries a lot of weight within.
I don't really lose flexibility anymore. I can still do all of first series -- except remember that little spill down the hill in Seattle from a few weeks ago? I still cannot do Janu Shirasana C on that side. Like my ankle seriously just doesn't go there. The practice is so much more than flexibility though.. that's the hard part for me. It's the strength that I struggle with.
I had a day today where I actually felt somewhat like I understood where I'm standing. Someone told me something this past week... that they recognized in me that I need to feel valued.
It is an interesting statement because this was applied to me in the context of how I feel about my professional life and my day to day work life. If you take the concept and translate it to other arenas of my life, it makes just as much sense. I always find the tidbits other people give me about myself provide so much insight.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:16 PM | Comments (0)
November 11, 2007
The Tiny String Remaining
It's been a week in Seattle now. My original plans had me flying home yesterday but I'm here now until tomorrow. I didn't do any yoga. I'm a loser. I probably could have found time to do yoga but it would have been on my own and yada yada a big list of excuses. Someday soon I'm gonna run out of them.
I almost think we can accurately say I don't do yoga anymore. At least, not asana.
I must change this.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:08 PM | Comments (6)
November 4, 2007
Flying Lessons
The Son and I fell asleep watching Star Wars Edisode III last night. This was after we watched Episodes I and II. I wasn't expecting WGD and The Daughter to be home from Indian Princesses in time for yoga and I was right. Too bad then that Tiffany woke me at 6:30 this morning.
As it turned out, they got home in time for me to make first series at the health club. And, as it turned out, H was teaching. I've practiced next to H for years and she's the one that helped me with the now-non-existent-Bakasana-B that I tried and actually did pretty well at last month but I've never taken a class from her. She's a bandha queen so it was fun. An attorney that was my boss 15 years ago was taking his first ashtanga class and was next to me. I stopped a couple times to help him and then realized tonight in the shower that perhaps that was offensive --- either to H or to him???? I didn't really think anything of it at the time.
The Son's face is still very swollen so we are going to keep him home from school tomorrow. So no yoga... I'll probably be way sore anyway. Supta Kurmasana felt lovely today... but I was also an idiot for going full bore into it since I haven't practiced in so long. Oh well, the body will teach me a lesson in it's own time... as it always does.
Leave for Seattle tomorrow evening. Hoping to have enough discipline to make practice while there. Wednesday night, however, I'm going out with a group of friends to Cafe Flora in Seattle. I'm stoked, their cookbook looks awesome.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:31 PM | Comments (3)
The Illumination
I finally get it. I get it. I GET IT. I'm so stoked.
If you are a long time reader of this blog you'll know that for years now I've struggled with the concept of friendship.
How do you make friends?
How do you be a friend?
How do you keep friends?
In particular I've struggled with how to make, be and keep girlfriends. I have repeatedly "failed" in this regard. I have repeatedly struggling with the emotional nature of female relationships and I've repeatedly struggled with what I'll term "drama."
Don't get me wrong, I have a few friends that are female but I think it has finally sunk in that my karma in life is not and, more illuminating, should not be to have a gaggle of friends. What I like in my friends is the ability to just say what it is. I don't have a very good filter. I know some people don't buy it but those of you who have known me deepest and longest in life will recognize the person who really just isn't good socially. It's harder for the people who have known me just recently in my life. I've spent a lot of energy and practice at being able to talk to people (which has helped me become really good with client interaction and the soft skills required in a business environment). There was a time when talking to people was simply way too much for me. I squirmed in discomfort at the energetic interaction just being in a room with a group of people.
I've also spent a lot of time and energy exposing myself. Learning to open up and not just close the petals and run the other direction when someone asks me personal questions.
The problem is, I'm not very good in the middle. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. I'm black and white... as Virgo as they come.
I've had the revelation over the course of the past 24 hours that you simply can't be like that with the majority of people in this world. You can't. It doesn't work. So I've decided to say screw this endeavor to be friends with people. When the moment hits and it isn't hard or dramatic then that's the person to be friends with. Protect your instincts, protect yourself in the beginning and let people show you their true nature before you open the flood gates. Watch, listen... be wary.
And if there is one more he said, she said, I said conversation in my life I think I might give up and move to a mountain top somewhere like a hermit. Which, in reality, doesn't live half bad.
Do hermits get to bring yoga mats?
----------------
The Son's surgery was tough. It just flat out sucks to be your kid given drugs. I don't think even fathers can understand the feeling because it is this innate feeling in your stomach that I think exists only because this being actually lived and grew within you. The Son was so scared. So very scared :( He refused the gas because he was afraid of it. We tried to convince him that it would be better but he wouldn't do it... and, so, he got an IV sober. It wasn't pretty. When his eyes started going all funky I simply couldn't take it anymore.
A short time in the waiting room later we heard him scream DAD! WGD and I jumped out of our seats and proceeded to the room but they stopped us... talk about a moment of wanting to say screw it. Telling me I can't go to my screaming child. It was only a split second in reality when the doctor called us back. He was so out of it. It was scary to see actually. He had no idea the surgery was over and we couldn't convince him until finally he said if it is over then give me my tooth... which we produced and then he couldn't believe he had been asleep. He swore he had just closed his eyes.
The nurse leaned over after a bit and asked WGD if he was going to carry him out or should he get the wheelchair. The Son slurs, "My parents aren't carrying me out of here. I'm going in the wheelchair." At least on drugs he hasn't lost his powerful independence.
Yesterday he did pretty well. WGD and The Daughter are off on an Indian Princesses trip so it is The Son and I hanging out in recovery. Nothing but soft foods and Tylenol with codeine. He didn't need it yesterday but today his face is really swollen... really swollen... and around 5 he started crying from the pain. He finally fell asleep after we watching the first two episodes of Star Wars and theorized over the color of light sabers.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:21 AM | Comments (3)
November 1, 2007
I couldn't think of a title tonight. I don't even know what I'll blog tonight. I do know you should check out our picture:
I took a glass of wine out trick or treating last night. We were about 5 houses in when the kids came running at me full bore... and then through me... the wine glass dumped all over and the kids were screaming... someone had a scary little man in front of the door. It was so cool to see what Halloween is like to a 6 year old. I loved it.
There's this one family I look forward to seeing every year. They are the most amazing Halloween family I know. You know how some families decorate really really hardcore for one one holiday or another? These guys dress up together. It's a family affair. To give you an idea of how awesome it is, one year they all dressed up as various Egyptian steretypes... a tomb builder, the Queen... with EVERY costume they do every year, the include a wagon filled with beer usually which they hand out to the parents on the street if you "guess" their theme. The wagon is completely decorated, that year in the shape of a pyramid. They wheel it around and you have no idea what is in it. It is always the centerpiece of their theme.
This year the wagon had a Finding Nemo tent surrounding it. The wagon is small, the kind you have when you just have one child. It was transparent wrap with Finding Nemo fish and they had propped flashlights in to illuminate it in strange ways. I saw The Dad first. He had what was clearly intended to be sea kelp or something that made him appear to be something from under the sea. I guessed he was the King from Ariel... he told me to think more cerebal. He pointed out his wife... she was dressed all in pink... I still didn't get it. He told me he was Wasabi... I still didn't really get it but I did get that the wife was Ginger.
Once I saw the kids, it was all tied together. Under the sea... ginger, wasabi, a lobster ... and a sushi chef.
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I have some really cool shit going on. It's just cool. I have thought about my promise to myself all night. I'm sorta regretting the impetuous decision to challenge myself. Sometimes we just aren't ready to face the dark places... or even the light ones.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:26 PM | Comments (3)