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October 31, 2007
The Daddy
I have almost forgotten the absolute joy I feel when I slip into a big huge bathtub, full of bubbles, with music and a glass of wine. The meditation can be magic. I always find things I'm thinking about in there. Baths rock.
Tonight I realized that The Husband's new name is WGD, World's Greatest Dad. Seriously, he's an amazing dad. It is the single most important thing to him in his life and he does it really, really, really well. Better than anyone I know.
The Kids still believe in The Candy Fairy. I couldn't quite figure out The Son after he found out so lamely about Santa Clause this past Yule... did he really believe still or was he just playing along? He announced a few days ago that he was not going to write a letter to the Candy Fairy this year because if indeed she existed, she could hear what he says in his mind. Otherwise, he said, it was me.
Of course, he did exclaim over the $100 Lego Star Wars something big and huge thousands of pieces or other thingy (which the Candy Fairy made mental note of) before we left Target the other day.
After running some errands, I pulled into the garage and purposefully took the Scythe that was The Son's costume prop into the house. I knew the Candy Fairy was likely to stash her goods there, you see. Apparently, when I wasn't looking WGD put it away.. so The Son, of course, went to look in the car....... where he found the $100 Lego Stars something big and huge thousands of pieces or other thingy.
I knew the minute he came in the door. He was smiling but his eyes were watering up. I realized what happened and, I admit, scathed at WGD for putting it away when I purposefully left it laying there so The Son would see it and not look in the car. The Son said "Mom, I'm growing up, these are the things I am going to learn." But I could tell... his eyes were red... we mentioned not telling his sister, well, sorta motioned with my eyes as she walked in the room.
He let her believe... and then we talked to him about belief. He said he wants to believe andWGD explained to him that it is all about belief. Belief in the spirit. We explained too how important it is to let the little kids believe until they are old enough to believe within.
I still feel bad for blowing it. :( It's never fun to see the innocence leaving your child... and, on the other hand, the growing up and the understanding and sharing the bigger concepts is so amazing. The crux of all parents, eh, 7th series --- (all I'm practicing these days) --- you want to keep them just where they are all the time and, yet, you love that you can't.
No yoga on the horizon. I can't believe the place I'm in... I just can't believe it. But it is what it is. When I practice I am not thankful enough. I will be keeping this in mind when I find the mat next time.
The Son has to have oral surgery on Friday. He is very scared. He said tonight "What difference does it make if The Candy Fairy brings me what I want (this was pre finding out), I'll be dead anyway." We are opting to have him under general. I don't really want to do it but he is so freaked out by the idea and has been for years (the lapse of judgment the dentist had when he was 5 and told us in front of him that he had an extra tooth which would require oral surgery), that I think we have to. The other option will leave him paralyzed in fear. It's really hard to play with the notion of your child having surgery. I know I have to face it and I know it shouldn't be a "big deal" but, you know, it's that thing about them having grown inside you that keeps coming up :)
Tonight I found one of those little things... those little things you tell yourself for years you are going to do but never do... stop biting your nails, stop this or stop speeding or stop that... It's a good one too. I can remember thinking about it when I was in my 20s. I've never given it a shot (unlike biting my nails or speeding) so I'm gonna try it. I can't or don't want to talk about it... but it's a good one. If I work it out, I'll feel like I've crested some plateau within.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:29 PM | Comments (3)
October 30, 2007
Of Fairies and Letters
I got up this morning with the intent to practice but the late night binge and the mom responsiblities coupled with the complete and utter freak out I had at work yesterday proved way too high a mountain to actually make it there.
I spent half the morning hosing down the backyard patio.. getting all the ash off. It's sorta gross to be honst.
Tracy, I use various Rumi books. In fact, that last one was off the front of a card someone gave me that I happened to run across when I was unpacking the stuff we took with us during evacuation. My favorites are the Coleman Barks ones -- Soul of Rumi and Book of Love.
I hear Guruji is in Florida March 2008. I need to get in shape before then.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:57 PM | Comments (1)
October 29, 2007
The Vortex
The Vortex is that place where nothing is quite right. The body sucks physically. The mind is doing it's best Hanuman interpretation and the soul is simply on it's edge of glimmer within. It's The Vortex because you just have no idea what is going on. Mercury in Retrograde is the best answer I can come up with.
And there's like no space either... just sorta completely locked into The Vortex. The mat sounds like the best place on the planet if only I could make it there. I'm sure I will... in what shape I don't know... but I'll find it.
In the meantime, who decided Samhain was 2 days away? There was a time when I would have decorated our house, invited 10 friends over to have a huge ancestor feast... made little individual pumpkin pies or some special good soup. I would get pictures of passed away family members and we would tell the kids stories of where they came from.
What happened to me? I keep telling myself that this is temporary. It's just for now... for a couple years and what is two years in the scheme of life itself? Really? When The Kids hit jr. high, I could be home full time or, in the very most, working as little contract as I wanted to keep my mind busy. I could be that mom I see at the studio everyday. Always drops her kids off in the morning and makes Mysore 5 days a week. I have to keep convincing myself everyday that that payoff is worth it and, more importantly, continue to assess the likelihood of it actually happening.
The Vortex. It isn't for the faint of heart.
Today's Rumi:
move outside
the tangle
of fear - thinking.
Live in silence.
Flow down and down
in always
widening rings
of Being.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:36 PM | Comments (4)
October 28, 2007
Home Sweet? Home
Sweet night last night... had a few hours to myself thanks to one of my coworkers who watched the kids while I went out with some Seattle friends. We had a great bottle of Hall 2003 Cabernet and awesome food. I'm such a foodie. I admit it.... I simply love a nice bottle of wine and a killer dinner.
After picking up the kids and going to bed in the house I was staying in, the wierdness started. First PunkAssBitch sent me some wierd txt message at 2am. Something that I was pretty sure could not be intended for me but vague enough that she could have been on crack or something. I thought about it for awhile and then figured that she must have been mistaken with her addressee. The next time I woke up I just thought something was off. The phone said 4:30 but it didn't seem like 4:30. I spent the rest of the morning up and down, in and out of sleep... then I checked the timezone thing and discovered that my phone thinks it is already daylight savings time and so the alarm was going off so early because it adjusting itself for daylight savings time that doesn't start til next week.
I packed up all our stuff and S drove me to the airport. I checked in, got the kids some magazines and some food... and then the plane broke... then they cancelled the flight... then the big huge line to get a food pass and whatever. I waited til the line died down and then pled the case of being a San Diego evacuee and just wanting to go home... could they put us a on plane that went anywhere from John Wayne to Ontario to San Diego... my car wasn't in San Diego anyway so it wouldn't make a difference. The lovely wonderful counter attendant booked us right away on a flight direct to San Diego leaving in a 1.5 hours. I thanked her.. especially knowing that the day before I had tried to change our tickets to that same flight and I could not because The Son was flying on frequent flier miles.
Finally on the plane, the flight was bumpy. I've gotten pretty used to flying but, halfway through, I had to switch the iPod to Baba Hanuman and turn my head so the kids couldn't see me shutting my eyes really tight.
We landed, without our baggage as would be expected. We'll see it at some point in the future I hope. The view from the sky is amazing. Hazy and smokey. It's a bit freaky to land here.
I am on a much needed break from The Kids. As soon as I had the down time all the stress came pouring out of me. I just had nothing left. I actually took a bath for the first time in months, I lit some incense, a candle, played some music...
I have so many things going on in my life. I almost feel stupid blogging anymore. I can't blog about all the things I really want to write about. I suppose it all just is as it is and will be.
Trust.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:47 PM | Comments (2)
October 26, 2007
The Air Smells So Clear
Wow today has been just a day. I woke up this morning feeling off and just a bit emotional. The post full moon mood, I suppose. Or maybe it was the wine I drank the night before in honor of the full moon. Or maybe it was the stress from all the fire drama. It's funny how the line of people you talk to either checking on them or them checking on you in a situation like changes on a daily basis. As time moves on, it becomes the people you talk to less and less often... until it's the precusory (man I can't figure out how to spell that word) phone call from someone you haven't spoken to in months or a year. The stress of the thing continues alongside the niggling feeling of being over dramatic.
Drama is really the word of the day. Drama. I've never dealt with so much drama in my professional life before and it's an interesting situation to be in. I often find myself wondering if it is self-made, part of the start up culture, part of the role/position or just part of life that I never noticed before. I am often told I'm oblivious to stuff going on around me and I'm beginning to think I really have been.
I got so spun out that about 1, I put on some Krishna Das, turned on the heater in the empty living room of the house I'm staying in, put the mat on the hard wood floors and practiced with the Seattle sunlight shining through the big window in the living room. Breathe... fresh clean breathe. It's hard to believe I ever opt to not practice. The experience and the long term effects are so dramatic and amazing that I can't believe I'm not a crack ashtanga addict.
JumpsThruSomeday is teaching tomorrow... I won't know til morning if I am/get to go. I hope so. Even if I don't hold out much hope.
My kids have adjusted to life here in Seattle and the group of kids they've been hanging out with. Today on the way back from Whole Foods where we bought stuff to make soup and salada and pizza for dinner, they had a discussion in the back of the car about all the ways they could "call in sick" to school so they could stay past Sunday. They've had so much freedom up here. It really is a different way of life. Laid back, I guess. California is definitely where I live and I can't imagine not living there... but this area is so much different. It's hard to put into words but very vivid. When my friend C moved to SoCal from here last year it was the first thing he noticed. It's in the energy.
I made Moroccan Lentil Soup tonight with cannellini beans and a whole jar of saffron. I'm never sure whether saffron really does anything or not... it's like tasteless and then I wonder if I'm paying $15 just to color my soup orange.
Tonight I was so peaceful. Everything seemed in the right places at the right times. After such a stressful and dramatic day... it was nice to just be in this place that feels so much like home and not in the "home physically" type of way... just the internal place of feeling comfortable and secure.
To all of you who've lost your homes and/or are still suffering, every ounce of love and compassion I can create in my heart goes out to you.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:28 PM | Comments (2)
October 24, 2007
Well Crappola
I had been planning on getting up and going to David's. I made sure to pack some yoga clothes when we bailed out... I had someone to watch the kids while I went in the morning...
And then the rain... you know Seattle rain which felt so good and awesome today... and I was chasing a kid down a steep driveway and BOOM I twisted my ankle trying not to fall. I can't turn my ankle to the left at all and turning past about 10 degrees to the right.
But, in the very least, I am safe, sound with my kids and not breathing ash air.
Poor Kiran can't get back to her house... she's sitting in mine with her family. I happy I evacuated and stayed gone so she has a place to go. The displacement is tough. The Daughter had a bit of a meltdown this afternoon so I laid down with her for awhile and then bought her a coloring book.
Life is good... stressful... I can barely focus but good nonetheless.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:10 PM | Comments (10)
Rain Rain Go Away
My daughter was singing Rain Rain Go Away Come Again Some Other Day all morning as she laughed and splashed in the rain... soaking wet... no ash to be seen, no fires to worry about.
Our home was pulled off the evacuation list at 7am this morning. I hear the air quality is horrendous and the kids beds are covered in ash (how does this get in the house even with all the windows closed). Everyone is saying the air quality won't be better until Sunday or Monday. I'm glad we left the state... but I still can't decompress. I feel so much stress. It's like the world was ripped in half and I have to figure out how to put it together but, really, all I had to do was pack pictures and drive for hours.
Seattle is cold and rainy. Who can complain about that right now? I hear tomorrow is supposed to be beautiful up here. I am hoping to take the kids to the Nintendo store visitor center tomorrow.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:43 PM | Comments (4)
October 23, 2007
Evacuation Update
To keep you informed...
The Kids and I are in Temecula; however, we can see a huge fire that just started on a mountain right next to us. I've decided to leave California for now. The Kids and I are getting on a plane and going to Seattle. My company and friends have provided us a house and beds all to ourselves... we have thrown our clothes in and are hoping that our personal valuables will be safe here in Temecula or that my parents can take them along should they need to evacuate too.
Wiley... I will call you when I can get out of California.
DJM - please be safe.
To all my friends and family in SoCal... don't be a hero... get out if you need to.
Om Shanti Shanti Shanti
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:44 PM | Comments (4)
Mandatory
This morning at 5:30 am our home was put under voluntary evacuation. At 9am, our home was put under mandatory evacuation. At 11am I took my children and my dog and went to my office. The kids watched TV... I sat glued to the news and the evacuation guidelines.
At some point I decided we'd be okay for the night and went to the store to get some food... I unloaded, turned the news back on... and then we were put under mandatory evacuation... I threw everything in the car and drove up the 5 north, over the Ortego Highway and finally over to Temecula to stay with my family. My sister and her family already evacuated... I don't have a bed but I suppose I will find someway to pass out anyway....
I don't know what tomorrow holds. I heard they think the fire will take through Del Mar and Carmel Valley to the coast. I am scared to be honest. I am pretty close to packing up my kids and going to Seattle for a week.
Many, many blessings to all of us.
Om Shanti Shanti Shanti
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:09 AM | Comments (4)
October 22, 2007
Collective Ashtanga Energy
Our home has been put into the evacuation zone for San Diego County. We are being told to begin packing our valuables and preparing for evacuation. A quick outing this morning to scope the scene has shown a massive evacuation on the 5 north and a stand still freeway.
Please dedicate your practice and send your energy and compassion to all of us in San Diego County.
Om Shanti Shanti Shanti
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:04 AM | Comments (8)
October 21, 2007
Eye Burn
I lost my blog post to a wierd blip in my wireless connection... first series this morning, lovely and hot... love to be on the mat... I got to watch OKRGR do a mean supta kurmasana today.. I asked for a poem during Shavasana and Rumi did not disappoint.
I went straight from yoga to meet The Husband and Kids at the HFS. We grabbed some sandwiches and drove up to Torrey Pines. About 20 minutes down the trail we noted the smoke... and then decided it would be prudent to get out of there before the wall overcame us.
I remember when the fires happened a few years ago. Business and schools closed. We all stayed in doors... the ash was horrible... eyes burned, lungs burned.
It's wild to hear the beep beep beep of the emergency broadcast system and not have it be a test. The ash outside is horrible. My eyes are burning...
All the prayers to the Son of the Wind for the evacuees.
Om Shanti Shanti Shanti
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:47 PM | Comments (0)
Grovin
Slept with a 6 year old next to me. I've gotten used to using my phone as an alarm clock. I somehow screwed up the iHome and the radio alarm often doesn't go off... the iPod alarm only works if I actually remember to put the iPod in the iHome (which I rarely do since I use my iPod in my car). So, I use my phone. In order for the phone to work as an alarm clock, I can't turn off the sound on the phone... so when I got a message at 1:30am, with a 6 year old next to me... well, I just wasn't too happy.
Woken up and frustrated, I heard my neighbor come home... the TV go on and then the loud crash of some violence he must have been watching. I ordered an added shot in my double latte this morning.
We left early to drive up to L.A. Spent all morning and most of the afternoon at American Girl Place (where we purchased the new Julie doll, a dog that looks like our Cinny, a doctor's kit complete with casts, crutches and an ace bandage and, of course, the obligatory picture on th cover of the American Girl magazine with your new doll). Later we drove to Santa Monica and let the girls go swimming before driving the hours home to San Diego.
The drive through North County to my house was really cool. The inversion layer must have flown in and the clouds were heavy and dark. It look ominous to the left (east) but the sunset on the right (west) was amazing. A big full bright orange sun through layers of clouds glinting off the ocean.
I love living in Southern California. This place is home no matter how much it costs to actually call it that.
-----------------------------------
I think I've officially hit rock bottom with my stranger visitor. It's put up or shut up now... proof is in the actions, not the words or the thoughts.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:38 AM | Comments (1)
October 19, 2007
Electric
I was trying to figure out the perfect word for today. I think electric is it. Electric.
In truth, I sat in the chair in front of my two computers for the majority of the day. 6:22 to 4:55 when I left to go to The Daughter's soccer party. I was on the phone or IM for the entirety of that time. I'm not exaggerating. That is my life. I'm Julie The Cruise Director on methamphetamines. The people on one side dubbed me Sanity Buffer (awesome name) and the people on the other I'm sure have dubbed me with something else entirely... more resembling something you could also call a female dog. It's okay. It's actually really stimulating but it is all encompassing. I actually feel like I'm making a difference. The problem is that in so making a difference I am the force of change. Sometimes people don't like change. It's a precarious balance.
I have all that energy.. from being that... just coursing through my veins. It's a difficult place to unplug from.
During the course of my day I talk to lots of people. Some friend, some could be considered foe (sadly), some I don't really know their motive, others I think I know really really well. Some I work with, some I have worked with, some I have always wanted to work with, some I'm scared to work with, some are just people I've picked up on the way. Sometimes the conversations are funny. Sometimes frustrating. Sometimes sad. Sometimes happy. Sometimes it's just all business and there is no emotion (I sorta really like those as the majority). And sometimes the conversation can be just electric. There's all kinds of electricity. Just like conversations - happy, sad, business, intelligence... sometimes there's a mixture... sometimes just one. Those electric conversations, though, have a way of sticking with you. I'm trying to shrug them off right now in favor of some type of center of calm. I haven't found it yet.
No practice today... But that stranger that I met the other day... the one who just can't see the beautiful person inside.. that stranger has been hanging around. I tried to tell her there was no vacancy but she seems to be quite the rebel. I suppose she will leave eventually.
Tomorrow I am going to L.A. all day with C & L for L's birthday. I want to be really excited so I'm trying to unplug the electricity and remember what it is like to be a 6 year old. Can you remember?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:01 PM | Comments (0)
October 18, 2007
In Honor Of Today
A Rumi... we haven't had one in awhile... and Rumi did not disappoint:
But don't be satisfied with stories, how things
have gone with others. Unfold
your own myth, without complicated explanation,
and everyone will understand the passage,
We have opened you.
Start walking towards Shams. Your legs will get heavy
and tired. Then comes a moment
of feeling the wings you've grown,
lifting.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:23 PM | Comments (0)
Fancy Meeting You Here
Today I met up with that feeling we sometimes get. You know the self-deprecating, I'm fat, I'm a loser, I'm this or I'm that speech that we got going on at times.. here and there.. Stupid really. I woke up slightly sad. I feel stressed at work 'cause I'm so busy (I knew I'd be busy by the way... really busy). I don't feel I'm being successful at any one thing. None of it is bad.. just has to come out sometimes.
I went to practice today bearing both bottles of wine for my teacher. Yoga and wine. Practice was is as practice is. When you feel that little feeling we sometimes get, you also end up tearing apart your body on the mat, or your this ache or that pain or this mental block or that knot in your chakra... Nothing was inherently bad except The Usual Suspects (Kapotasana, Bakasana A and, of course, the new nemesis, Bakasana B). I, will, of course, promise to be better and practice just as regularly as I used to before I decided to do this whole business thing. It's pretty cool but, let's face it, all the traveling around doesn't account for the opportunity of much practice and it's even worse on the diet!
Seriously, the best business idea is to open a chain of organic, healthy fast food stores. Who wouldn't pay to be able to drive up to a drive thru or stop in at the airport food court (start there, in fact, will you please?) and get a veggie burger or, just, decent health food.
I have an insatiable appetite right now for all the wrong foods. I hope it goes away soon.
The Kids are dying to get Boo'd. That thing we do in our neighborhood every year where you leave a basket of Halloweeny type stuff on someone's doorstep, ring the door bell and run. The Kids love it and we've already bought the Boo Basket stuff in anticipation of being Boo'd.
So Boo.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:41 PM | Comments (3)
October 17, 2007
Baby Oh Baby The Places You'll Go
I remember when The Son still lived within the confines of my very human body, we used to read this book to him every night. Literally... face to belly, The Husband reading to my belly.
It's been a little bit with no practice and little time. Meeting after meeting, after hotel... some wine tasting thrown in there... more meetings... but I did get to have lunch at The Inn of the Seventh Ray (google it, too tired to link) which I've always wanted to try. On the menu they had a Truffled Lobster Grilled Cheese sandwich. It sounded like heaven... only they were out of it so I had lentil flat bread instead.
I did get to see Jenna (also too lazy to link... but we all know Jenna). Her new house is amazingly beautiful... I'm in love with The Meatlocker. I keep thinking of how HUGE a library you could make in there... I did, of course, actually bring my yoga mat into the house.. but it never made it past the chair. After driving 6 hours, I was ambivalent about practicing but totally could have... Jenna poured wine, brought out cheese and she sure didn't have to twist my arm. Then we ordered Thai food and got to walk in the rain to pick it up with Jenna in her new and cute little red coat she got in the children's department at Target.
I also got to taste some good wines. I'm afraid Jenna is going to disown me but.. I had a bottle of the Opolo and it was one of my favorites of the day. Really. I feel so ashamed.
I am still in love with my MacBook Pro. It's hard to believe but it is true. I love it. I love the keyboard and the feel of it. It runs Vista really well. I did the dual boot with BootCamp because Parallels using virtual imaging to run Vista and I really don't want that so I just split the drive and dual boot into whichever O/S I want. I don't use MacOSX much and probably never will (to be honest, I just use it for that little picture thing..that's pretty cool) so it boots into Vista unless I tell it otherwise. It's hot... I love it.
Practice tomorrow barring some massively horrible catastrophe at work (and I'm not saying that isn't possible, it's been a tough week). It's all good though... the choochoo is starting.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:27 PM | Comments (11)
October 10, 2007
Just A Day
Worked this morning... went to yoga for Mysore... on my way I checked my calendar and realized I had a 10:30 conference call. Since Mysore starts at 9 I was trying to figure out how to fit my practice into 1.5 hours. I could probably do my practice but I couldn't do finishing... so I sent an email "Hey, any chance we can move this back 15 minutes?" I didn't hear anything when I landed on the front of the mat so I jammed through standing... and I was just out of it. I was totally and completely in the yoga zone. I was having so much fun... I came to around Janu Shirasana and thought I should check... they rescheduled the meeting for Thursday! Hooray.. no more rush (and no guilt either). I slowed down... finished first... went for second... back was feeling amazing.. and then Kapotasana.. and the back just wasn't there. In fact, I didn't even really try. I was happy with mid-foot today again. It is what it is. The thing about Kapotasana for me these days is that in two more poses I actually have to stare down the face of Bakasana B.
I did Bakasana B about 3 times today before my teacher came over to assist with the Circus Act. The Circus Act consists of:
- Me whining about how much I hate the Circus Act
- My teacher standing oblivious... up!
- Me kick into a handstand
- My teacher spotting me as I lower my knees to my chest
- I get halfway there and my arms quiver, my chest feels like the implants are going to explode out of me if I pull across the chest any tighter.....
- Me completely losing it and saying "I don't like this at all!"
At least everyone around me finds it amusing.
After he walked away, my friend H across the way told me she was going to help me. She gave me all this instruction and I got a bit closer. My teacher put a pillow in front of my head. Everyone was encouraging me... and I actually did land it 3 times... I couldn't hold it. On the first one I landed, my friend and the guy next to her actually yelped out loud... which, of course, caught the attention of the entire room.
Fun... but I still have a ways to go and you should see the bruises on my arm. People must wonder who is beating me.
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I got to help my son with grammar and writing tonight. The Husband said he didn't even know some of the things I pointed out about grammar.
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I met up with Tiff at a yoga girl's night out... I got there late and I'm not sure about the people who were hosting it... I just don't know them yet and sometimes I can be too open a person.. I need to learn not to just let it all out there with everyone... I didn't used to be like this and it seems, like most things in my life, I am black and white about it.
Tomorrow -- moon day... and interesting things happening.... just too crazy to have time to blog about them.
Jai Hanuman!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:13 AM | Comments (4)
October 9, 2007
Book Tag
Ii've been meaning to get to this:
Total number of books?
Is this seriously the total number of books I own?
- There's the ridiculous stack of cookbooks in my kitchen. These include cookbooks like "Betty Crocker" which I've used only in emergency (say to learn how to cook a turkey) as well as my favorites (Real Food Daily, Natural Ingredients, Donna Hay).
- There's the actual "library" shelves in the office downstairs. The shelves have been completely filled and empties more than a few times over the course of the years. About 6 months ago I went through and put 10 boxes of books away and donated them. That was a tough day.
- There is also the boxed set of parenting books. This is mostly books about parenting babies -- vaccinations, homebirths, family bedding, etc., etc. I couldn't bear to part with most of these books because it took me so long to acquire them "back in the day."
- Then there's the "favorites" cabinet in the family room. These are books like A Literate Passion - Letters between Anais Nin and Henry Miller; or my favorite historical series by Sharon Kay Penman... or some wierd off the shelf books that I've found over the years.
- Then there's the bookshelf in my office which has all the yoga books, Buddhist books, Hindui books, etc., etc. This stack is growing quite large lately.
- Then there's the poetry corner... Rumi, Hafiz, e.e. cummings...
Last book read?
I have to ask the same question -- fun or work? The last "fun" book I read with Cormac McCarthy's The Road. Someone loaned it to me and I did like it. The writing was spectacular but it was one of those books that I just put down and thought "Damn, that was depressing as hell."
Last book bought?
Project Management in Theory
Five meaningful books?
Ramayana, Ramesh Menon
This book is a powerful and attainable retelling of the classic story. Jai Hanuman!
Spiritual Midwifery, Ina May Gaskin
Whether or not you are pregnant, want to be pregnant, have been pregnant.... had a homebirth, want a homebirth, will never have a homebirth... Ina May Gaskin is a revolutionary leader in the woman's right to choose her birthing environment and have a complete experience.
Yoga Mala, Sri K Pattabhi Jois
I first read Yoga Mala when I was still practicing "basic ashtanga" at a fluffly studio. It enticed me... and gave me the confidence to follow a path that seemed right for me.
Geek Love, Katherine Dunn
I used to judge a bookstore (back before Barnes and Noble and Borders were on every corner) by the existence of this book on it's shelves.
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I'm having a hard time with the last book... Do I put Fire by Anais Nin, or a Henry Miller book, or Rumi because he inspires me daily... I'll have to think on that some more.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:45 AM | Comments (1)
October 8, 2007
Something To Look Forward To (Take 2)
Lost an entire blog post... don't you hate when that happens?
Last night ended up being just crappy. I was having problems at work and I went off on my partner... laid into him and then decided it would be smarter to step away from the keyboard and computer rather than hearing his response and engaging in a discourse. So I spewed and ran away. Very, very mature.
I got up at 5:30 intending to work and not practice. Afterall, I took the night off and I have so much work to do. As I pulled myself out of bed I thought "Well, this is stupid. It's a job. I need to practice. I will practice." So I went. I was all the way through standing when pranayama finished up. My back was feeling really good all the way through first... right up until I hit Kapotasana and then, for whatever reason, it just hurt. I uttered "Not today" during my adjustment... and just grabbed mid-foot. I was happy with that today. Then I got to enter my circus act of Bakasana B. Kick up into handstand with my teacher assisting, lower knees to chest and try to land into Bakasana. Only when he lowered me and my knees got to my elbows, I wasn't balanced, he went to let go and I said "I'm going to faceplant!" Instead I lowered my head and sorta did a Bhujapindasana imitation.
After class I asked my teacher about that entry. I explained that I don't feel anything in my bandhas or legs... but my arms feel weak and I feel like my chest gives out. He asked if I had any nerve endings in there that didn't work. Uh, yea, ya think :) I asked him what I could do to get stronger. He told me if I don't want to go to the gym, "Practice and all is coming." Then he told me we will enter Bakasana B from a headstand everyday... "Something to look forward to," as he walked away.
Yes, indeed, something to look forward to.
I have other things to look forward to this week as well. A boatload of work that seems to ever diminish in size, kid events, my business partner coming to town, time in L.A., seeing Jenna... really amazing potential business opportunity....
Her first Indian Princess campout, she's amazingly beautiful:
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:00 PM | Comments (1)
Isn't That Nice
/ mindless personal drivel alert /
Today sucked. The day was beautiful. Gorgeous even. I just didn't like today. I was tired and I don't know why. Practice was pretty lame. I was happy to go and then like nothing came together. From Sun Salutation #2 I just wanted to leave. I have no energy, no passion and no drive. I screwed off the entire practice. I think I maybe tried like one thing with some effort. Just a stupid all around day.
If I sound melodramatic, I am. I just want to jump up and down and scream like a 6 year old (I've had plenty of opportunities to study this particular phenomenon). Screw all this. It's really work that has me down. I feel like I joined some hiking party and everyone forgot the trail map.
I'm so overwhelmed that I'm actually paralyzed and unable to actually do anything but think of all the various reasons why I should be doing something else.
Oh well.. I suppose tomorrow will be better.
Friday will be better... I get to go practice with Jenna Friday afternoon and drink some killer wine.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:35 AM | Comments (2)
October 7, 2007
Happy Endings
With the lead dev architects of our company in town, I was nervous that the workload and socializing would lead me astray from the discipline I've rekindled this week. Each practice, solid and focused and a perfect experience. So Thursday night, I took the high road... no alcohol, early to bed, early to rise.
My plan Friday morning, in an effort to do my whole practice, was to get up very early and be on the mat no later than 6:30. Things started on point... and then... picture this scene:
I grab my mat, a towel and my purse... in my purse are the set of keys I carry around which include my house keys, The Husband's car key, my car key, mailbox, a friend's house, etc. Since I've had The Husband's BMW for the past few days, I had left my keys in my purse and was using the very small single little key/computer thingy that he keeps on the inside console (in an effort not to lose it). I open the passenger side door and I set all of my items down (okay, I kind of fling them down) on the passenger seat. I step back and proceed to close the door. As the door leaves my hand with enough momentum to shut, I see the lights on the door handles flick on and the click of the lock. It takes me only the time it takes to walk to the driver's side, attempt to open it before the crash of realization that every key we own to that car is now locked inside of it.
I begin to imagine the time and suffering it will take to get AAA or some other similar resolution to the situation. Then it dawns on me... I can't call AAA... I can't call a locksmith... you see it's a computer chip... there is no "lock" on the doors.
That's when the panic set in. How silly, right? Panic. Well not true panic but the little diatribes we all give ourselves in times of chaos. I was bummed mostly about practice. I really NEEDED to be at practice and I really WANTED to be there. I didn't want anything to take away from the week of practice... I just didn't. I NEEDED it.
I told myself to give up the idea... and I woke up The Husband... first apologizing for the idiocy and then asking what the hell I was going to do.
That's when the coolest use of technology I've ever seen was experience first-hand... by me!
We called BMW. Nope, we didn't sign up for that OnStar or whatever plan it is... what a sales pitch! ;-) The lady then asks me when I last turned the car on. I tell her 6:30 the prior evening. She instructs me to move to the trunk and depress the little button that you use to open it for 10 seconds. I do. I hear the car's memory cycle up. Ahahaha... a web service is about to ping my car! And so it does... and 10 seconds later, I see the tell-tale lights under the door handles and the driver's side door pop unlocked.
BOOYA. THAT is a fabulously beautiful piece of software and I am in love with the architects and developers who made it.
I was on my mat by 7am.... and I practiced. First series was lovely..... Kapotasana was funny. First time, I told The Australian to leave me alone. Somehow the joke began that women need good timing. Second time, my teacher walks around and I immediately exit... he walks away dismissing me ;) Third time I call The Australian over... we go back... he tries to pull my right hand into my heel first and I can't do it. So we do it again... and this time I got my heel but could only maintain one finger on each for the whole pose. But, heck, at least the drama was worth something :)
When I hit Bakasana B, my teacher came to help me. I have such a huge road to climb. No, seriously. I have no bandhas. I know it is hard to believe but I really just don't have the bandhas that are required for jumping into Bakasana B. I'm sure I will grow them eventually but I don't have them right now. My teacher ended up having me kick up into a handstand. I can't do that two legged jump up into a handstand... or even get my feet 2 feet off the floor. I don't know why... I just can't. So I kicked up one leg at a time and then he had me bring my knees to my chest... only I didn't know I wasn't supposed to be bending my elbows and so I ended up taking myself down on my ass and almost pulling him over ontop of me. Nice. Again... second time better... it is only in part due to the fact that the entire room is now watching this little circus act. On my last attempt without help... I did manage to land it pretty well... but no holding.... and not a good landing... my teacher said "Better" --- you always gotta be happy with "Better."
Friday night I went to dinner at Tiff's restaurant after plugging in a fairly stressful 12 hour day. I bought way too much expensive wine (but it was really good), didn't eat enough... but, eh, whatever... what a great week of practice.
The Son tried to teach me Pokemon today. I just could not keep all the pieces right. That's a fairly intricate game in all. I gave up... Then we tried to program the NXT but I accidentally ate through the memory when I tried to send a test connection via Bluetooth from Microsoft Robotic's Studio. I can't figure out how to wipe the memory so now we can't talk to the brick. But it was fun trying. I'll fix it later.
The Daughter and The Husband and are on their first Indian Princesses campout. The Daughter has been looking forward to this for 3 years now. Her brother bounced out of Indian Guides last year so it's her turn now. I can't wait to find out how it goes.
I was talking with a friend today about how much I've become a "girl." I finally feel like I'm integrating all the aspects of myself in one solid package. No, I'm not all enlightened or, heck, even anything more than utterly confused... but the point is... I finally feel like I've got some of the puzzle pieces fitting together. It's no mid-life crisis.. just a big sigh of relief... like finally I see myself. I have no idea what to do with any of it really... but it's nice to think about it. I AM a girl. I should become a girl.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:06 AM | Comments (2)
October 4, 2007
Busy Bee
Practice Wednesday was just first series. My body was sore... and so tired. It's not that I couldn't have done second but I told myself not to... that my body needed some rest. First series was fine... just the solid underlying foundation it has become before I rock my world with Kapotasana ;)
You should *SEE* the bruises on the backs of my arms. Seriously, it is so bad people have commented on it. Oh the shame.
Some lovely yoginis took me out for a drink and smiles to celebrate my recent birthday. It was a very nice group and I was very happy to be surrounded by such loving people. They gave me a beautiful necklace that really filled me up. I really need my friends right now and I'm so thankful for the ones that have I have who've been there for me.
No practice today.... up in L.A. all day at meetings. I had just the most amazing day. Absolutely crazy but full nonetheless. All work. All bizarre. All just mind blowing. Is there an eighth series?
I have two of the developers from my company in town for a few days. They are awesome and really brilliant. I sometimes forget these days that my true background is development. I've somehow turned into a manager and I wasn't even looking. I am curtailing hanging out though.. must practice tomorrow. Must.
Tomorrow night though we are going out... It should be fun. Tonight I took them to Robertos. It is, after all, a San Diego tradition.
Tomorrow I face kapotasana.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:01 PM | Comments (5)
October 2, 2007
BooYa
Last night my body stayed in the post-euphoric-yoga-bliss-state most of the day. In other words, I had a hard time eating food. I ate some food for lunch but then found myself completely without hunger for the rest of the day, through dinner, right up to about 10pm. I made a piece of peanut butter toast and had a small plum and then worried that eating so late would create stiffness. Nevermind the fact that my practice hasn't be consistent and I went balls to the wall yesterday for practice.
When I woke up this morning I was stiff. The floor seemed forever away. My back was sore, every single muscle letting me know that it still existed and it wasn't happy. My hamstrings were tight. My hips felt worse than I ever remember. So I chalked today's practice up to the post-mortem of non-practice and let go of my attachment to it. First series, first series.
My first sun salutation was brutal. I've been reciting a single word when I become aware of monkey mind and inhaling so I decided to just go that route again today. By the third sun salutation, things were loosening up and I had the notion that practice wasn't going to be so bad. Halfway through I was simply happy. Strength, flexibility, concentration. Happiness.
I did Kapotasana once.. on my own, Kiran came to help me towards the end. She told me to breathe. I told her no. Exit, setup for it again. This time I asked Kiran to help me with my hips.... so she did and lo and behold, one heel (Brain: Breathe, this is okay, it's just a heel, breathe), other heel (Brain: Breathe, this is okay, it's just another heel ... OMG you have your heels... and your elbows are down ... and in... and OMG I HAVE MY HEELS). The girl next to me says to Kiran "Is she breathing?" Yes I was breathing. In fact, I was even breathing evenly and nicely. I didn't have that cool grip on my heels but my fingers were over the top and Kiran even let go of them.
You can't have a better day than when you get both heels for the first time in Kapotasana (unless you are spineless and bendy like Tiff or Kiran). Well, at least so far.
I didn't land Bakasana B. Actually I did manage to land on my arms but I couldn't hold it there. My teacher said "Bandhas" -- I said I don't have them yet. He told me I'm 6.5 years post partum... I should have them by now ;)
Working.. bandhas next... I've found my legs... now it's time for the bandhas.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:54 PM | Comments (3)
October 1, 2007
But But I Said No
When my alarm went off this morning I nearly didn't get up. I figured I had to start somewhere with my practice though and so I promised myself "First Series only, it will suck, you will be tight, it will not be pleasant but it is called DISCIPLINE and you used to have it."
Driving to the studio I recited the "Discipline" mantra and talked to the only person I know up at 6:30 in the morning :) As I walked into the studio I got a super uplifting txt message about having a good practice... and so, I did.
Even the first sun salutation just felt, well, normal. No drama. Practice, practice... normal, normal... finished first and thought, well, whatever, I feel normal, we'll just do the whole thing. The first part of second felt awesome. My back felt really good. Then came Kapotasana.
Oh Kapotasana...someday I will not fear you any longer. I did it once, getting my hands halfway up my feet. When I came up The Australian came to help me. He put my left hand on my heel and I completely froze and lost it. It's not that when he put it there it hurt or anything it's just that I COULD FEEL MY HEEL. I know, *GASP*, there's a heel there? So I whimpered and said no no no and put my head down and he said "You aren't enjoying this then?" I mumbled no no no. I didn't even come up properly. My teacher said "That was a nice dramatic attempt." I considered doing it again but just laid there looking at the stars behind my eyes.
When The Aussie came back for Supta V, I told him that I just didn't understand my freak out. He said that he easily got my hand to my heel (and that was the hard side even) and I just panicked. I said yes, I know... pure panic. Why do I panic here? The Aussie told me that sometimes it just takes people awhile to get used to the idea of grabbing the heels. In my case, it seems to be taking a really long time.
I finished my practice with Bakasana A, as usual. I'm able to jump back with both feet in land in plank. I can't land directly into chatarunga and I've sorta given up trying to. My pects just won't engage enough to stabilize me coming down. This is due to the fact that they were cut in half and I've just sorta accepted that is the case for now. I laid down for backbends.. taking a short break when my teacher and I have the following conversation:
Teacher: Bakasana B? You did?
Me: No
Teacher: No?
Me: No, I don't do Bakasana B
Teacher: You don't?
Me: No, you've never given me Bakasana B so I don't do it.
Teacher: I haven't?
Me: No
Teacher: Well, today then, Bakasana B
Me: Didn't I tell you I didn't want this pose?
Teacher: Today, then, Bakasana B.
And so, my friends, I attempted Bakasana B. No, I didn't succeed... my ass is far too heavy for that success but I suppose eventually I will figure it out. Like all other things. It just takes time and practice... and discipline.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:31 PM | Comments (4)