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September 30, 2007
Ah... there it is...
Everytime I leave my mat these days, I promise myself I'll find my sef-discipline and dedication again. I think I'm close now.. I think the late nights and wine have gotten to me and I can finally see that the way of the heart is, in truth, where it always has been. I'm not saying I'm never gonna drink again, or party, or stay up late... but that I'm feeling more in a position to re-dedicate myself to what is normal and best for me.
I got up late this morning. I took a quick shower and made it to practice right on time. It took me two hugs to realize my teacher had finally done away with The Shasta Beard. I figured my practice was going to be heavy and hard but, actually, it wasn't. The first day is always better than the next but today was just plain nice. I purposefully didn't push it, I didn't jump through the entire practice, I didn't go the extra mile, I just showed up and did first series. I was surprisingly stronger than I anticipated given my lack of integration with my body lately.
After practice, my teacher gave me a birthday gift he's been carrying around for two weeks. I felt blessed and I felt loved...
Today in San Diego it is beautiful. Perfect summer weather. A total beach day. We took the kids shopping for some school clothes. They've both apparently grown an inch over the course of the last month and we were tired of seeing them in highwaters.
It's a good day. A good life. This moment is perfect.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:26 PM | Comments (0)
Uh....
So.. I hung out with PunkAssBitch last night. The boys played video games, ate Doritos (*gasp*) and stayed up til midnight. PAB and I started with a bottle of Au Bon Climat... we probably should have ended there. Our goal was to give my house a good cleaning for a special guest.. instead we ended up two bottles later... and the rest is left unsaid.
I've had a lot of those lately. New experiences. Things I could never imagine myself doing in this lifetime.
The experience I'm not having is yoga.
I'm not upset about it. It is what it is. The largest lesson I'm trying to process right now is to just live in the moment. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I can only love and enjoy the things I have right now so that I can think back fondly on yesterday. The moment is all I have... the moment and while discipline and self-restraint are things I value... there's also something to be said for just letting it all go until I figure out how to integrate all the many facets of myself. It's all about a journey. This journey.
Today's journey was the heavy realization around 7am that the third bottle may have been overkill. Oh my stomach, my head... at least I know that I was safe and with people who love me and that all of those new things, they just are things... to experience and have fun with and let go of.
Thanks PAB.... and, yes, it's been talked about a few times today :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:01 AM | Comments (2)
September 27, 2007
Certain Sense of Humor
Today was the first day in a long time where I challenged myself the entire day to find just something that was good. I'm sure it all started with the small fact that I was up til 3am working.
It's not really that I had to be up all night. The thing I was up doing wasn't really "my problem" if I got super technical about what my job description is and the employment agreement we entered but, really, it just didn't matter. This business of building something with someone is pretty radical. It's a do thing. There's no evaluating is an action worth it, mine to task, mine to do... it's partly, just do it because someone needs to step up and get it done. So you do it.
So I did.
After sleeping a couple hours, the station of the day just didn't turn much. One phone call after another phone call after another blurry eyed session at the computer, a txt message here and there...
I don't do yoga anymore. Yoga? What's yoga?
I want to do yoga. I keep throwing up the notion that this "isn't worth it." I keep saying "Well, you have a choice." And, oh I do. It's just that the ramifications of that choice aren't something I can even entertain the thought of.
After yelling at my kids for like an hour and basically acting like a 5 year old child, I was telling them how lame I am and so I told them how I was feeling. Like they were regular people and not kids. I used high level words and feelings but I was pretty honest. They seemed to respond to that. I read them some of the Little Prince laying on two bean bags and then let The Son eat popcorn and watch Survivor with me. I really felt uncomfortable with him watching it. I hadn't watched it in a few seasons and its become a fest of Ambercrombie underwear and Buff Dresses. I couldn't really take it back though so I went with it.
He told me tonight that he has a "certain sense of humor."
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:19 PM | Comments (5)
September 24, 2007
How Far I've Fallen
Truth be told, I don't know how far I've fallen or I how far I have yet to go. Probably none of us do. It's sorta like when you get a tattoo and you halfway want to know how far through you are and you halfway are so in the zone it doesn't matter.
I'm still in Seattle.
I have done no yoga.
I have fallen so very far.
Last night about 6 of us took the boat out on the water. We cruised it across Lake Union and had dinner at some restaurant we docked at. I had a killer and very healthy salad that reminded me how much I love really good, really healthy food. I have to stop not having time for that. I also had a lovely conversation with a personal trainer. The body is an amazing vessel. I sometimes forget how much I care about that.
Today I broke out the mat. I knew I needed a really good experience to push me through a practice. I practiced both figuratively and literally in the garage. I turned the heater in there up really high. 6pm so the body is open and its all about the mind... how hard is it to turn it off?
Then I got to have dinner with the strangest group of people... and not strange in that they were strange. In fact, I really like them all but just a really strange circumstance under which to be having dinner with this particular group of people.
Last night the personal trainer said that he took me for someone who is the same with everyone. I really liked this statement and the manner in which he stated it. I do try to be the same with everyone and, so, in my wierd scenario, I just went with being me.
It's a very free'ing experience.
Home tomorrow. I am so happy to be going home this trip.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:16 PM | Comments (1)
September 20, 2007
Winter Sucks
It sucks the life out of me. Winter. Or maybe it's just the average Seatle weather but there is just no way I could live here. I have felt down and tired all day. I finally realized at like 3pm that it's the weather. Cold (oh so cold) and grey... Cold and grey. I talked to The Husband tonight and he said it is like a perfect beach day in San Diego. Man, I'm missing like all the good left over summer days.
I had an interesting day at work today. Lots of movement and some final insight into a situation I've felt a bit out of control with. The insight really helped me to determine where my role is in my current situation and how to fit in and do a good job. We'll see if I still feel that way in a few days but for today, at the very least, it makes me feel like my trip isn't wasted effort.
I'm waiting for my kids to call me on my webcam now. It must be wild to be a kid in today's world.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:31 PM | Comments (8)
September 19, 2007
Hot
Seattle has been, well, cold and rainy. I have flip flops on. Yes, yes... I am truly a California Princess but, it's all good, I am a California Princess and that's perfectly okay. In fact, it's good. It's exactly what I should be.
Self-practice yesterday. Half first, half second. I asked my friend S to help me with Bhekasana... that adjustment was pretty easy to instruct but when I asked for assistance dropping back to my head, it just went all, all wrong. S didn't hold my weight at all and held my hips all wrong.... I ended up dropping into my hands and standing up on my own. Not S' fault but proof enough of why we do actually go to a studio to practice Ashtanga. I have to say, though, that I agree with Tiff's disillusionment with the studio raising prices again. It's hard to digest and I actually make pretty good of an income. In my new circumstances financially, I have to consider these things.
I've been in Seattle since Sunday. For the past three days I've arrived on campus at 8, invested in a coffee plantation by noon, found some sugar for the next few hours and attempted something that resembled knowledge and interest for the times in between. It's not been all bad... I got to have dinner twice with CIODude.
Practice with Troy tomorrow.... maybe... I might sleep in for a change.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:57 PM | Comments (4)
September 16, 2007
Seattle's True Color
I turned 38 on Friday. The day was pretty standard... dropped kids at school, made it to yoga by 8:10.... had a great first half of the practice but as everyone else was finishing up, the energy in the room begins to change and I lost all steam. So I did half of first, my second series poses and then bailed out. I bought myself a new James Perse dress as a birthday present ;) then I had dinner and ice cream cake with my family.... and then I met PunkAssBitch (who is so much less punk than I can even explain these days) down at Fiesta Island. She and her friends and family were setting up camp (only luxury camping in this kick ass motor home thingy) for the Thunderboat races so I went down for some drinks and some good times.
I had fun... I was so glad I went out... it was perfect... not too much noise, not too laid back... and I forget how much I love just kicking back talking with a bunch of rock solid individuals.... Happy Birthday.
Saturday was a whirlwind of soccer games and then a flight to Seattle that ended up being 3 hours late, two cancelled flights, two delayed flights and a huge mess at the airport.
I did, however, make it to practice this morning. First series at Samarya Center (or something like that). Traditional first with a nice hot room... just what I needed....
and then I walked outside and saw Seattle for what Seattle is.. cold and rainy.
It's a good thing I have this new MacBook to sit and have my coffee with ;)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:33 PM | Comments (8)
September 13, 2007
The Dark Side Is So Pretty
My day today has been utterly lame. Lame. It's a perfect word for my day. So without further adieu, let me just outline a Lame Julie Day:
7:00 am -- Alarm goes off; think, hell, I got at least another 20 minutes but 7am is late and I should get myself out of bed
7:21am -- iHome finally works, hear James Morrison song distantly in the background
7:22am -- Phone rings; have conversation until 7:45am
7:45am -- Make smoothie
7:50am -- Down smoothie while reading email
8:00am -- Take Shower and put wierd conditioner stuff in my hair
8:20am -- IM, email, work stuff
8:37am -- Leave, very late for studio
8:45am -- Stuck in freeway traffic (going NORTH on a Thursday morning!!????)
9:05am -- Arrive at studio just as doors are opening from early morning class; grab spot; go chat; break sunglasses (Spys :( )
9-11am -- Practice... wonder why I'm practicing... feel fat and bloated and horribly self-conscious about how horribly unhealthy I am... vow (as I've done many times recently) that THIS is IT... I will get back to the discipline of my practice and this includes getting sleep, eating well and, well, cutting back on the wine.
11am -- Call The Husband to figure out the day... have first of many really unpleasant conversations
12pm -- Eat lunch and take second shower to work the wierd conditioner stuff out of my hair
1pm -- Go to mall; purchase new sunglasses (spend a small fortune); go to Apple store... purchase a brand new MacBook Pro (SHHHHHHHHHHH) and two 4gb iPod Nanos for The Kids ; have another ridiculous conversation with The Husband about the day and the schedule
2pm -- Turn on shiny new sweet smelling MacBook; feel enormous amounts of, oh screw that, it's pretty and shiny and new... begin process of installing BootCamp (what you thought I was going to work with the Mac OS?? hahahahahahhaaha); have another ridiculous conversation with The Husband about the day and the schedule
3pm -- Have completed installation of Windows Vista but the services won't start; continue to get ugly error each time you stupidly try running the BootCamp installation from Vista; have another ridiculous conversation with The Husband about the day and the schedule
4pm -- Load up The Daughter's new iPod, unplug to do The Son's and realize the Apple Nerd has given you 1 4gb and 1 8gb. Check credit card bill (because the cool "send to email receipt" thingy didn't work).. yep charged; have another ridiculous conversation with The Husband about the day and the schedule
5pm -- Pick up The Daughter; drive to Apple store... explain situation to same Apple Nerd who helped me... realize I have brought back the 4gb that I've already set up for The Daughter and left the unopened and incorrect 8gb on my desk
5:30pm -- Take The Daughter back to get the incorrect iPod; have another ridiculous conversation with The Husband about the day and the schedule;
6:00pm -- Get sushi with The Husband and The Daughter
7:00pm -- Drive back to Apple store; first exchange sunglasses (buyer's remorse); exchange iPod (takes forever to get an Apple Nerd to help me... when he does he looks at me as if I'm insane when I tell him that, yes, I've just installed Vista on my brand new MacBook Pro); have another ridiculous conversation with The Husband about the day and the schedule
7:30pm -- Drive home to meet The Husband and The Kids for a long evening of catch up... missed homework; missed work...
8:00pm -- Make salt dough (gross) with big huge sea salt crystals because I can't find any regular salt (I don't use salt); surprise my kids with the iPod Nano to which The Son said "THIS is SICK Mom!" (Ah, Mommy Guilt... )
8:30pm -- Appease whining children and stick chocolate chip cookies in the oven (yes, I realize it is 8:30pm).
9:00pm -- Placate whining children and allow them to download one video to their iPods
9:30pm -- Admonish whining children for not finishing homework and it's an hour past bedtime
10:00pm -- Allow whining children to watch one single video on their new toy while they fall asleep
10:30pm -- Open whining children's bedroom door to find them still watching said video (bad mommy, I should have checked sooner, it is now two hours past bedtime)
10:39pm -- Play with the iSight on my new toy... think I should go to bed.
10:40pm -- Realize tomorrow I turn 38 years old... where has the time gone?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:35 PM | Comments (10)
September 11, 2007
Ashtangi.NET
Okay I admit. I do have a personal love of Ashtangi.NET. If it went away tomorrow, so be it.... but I do have a personal love for it. Tonight Jenna called me. After I posted on her blog. I needed a call from Jenna tonight.
It seems to me that often when I need something my friends, those I've met on Ashtangi.NET, are there for me. It's wierd. When Jenna called, I was making The Now Missing KJS' bean dip (the same one she made for me the night I got out of the hospital).... we chatted... thanks! She told me to remember my friends are always there for me. What a gift to be given by a stupid silly blog aggregator.
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I just deleted my entire blog post. I am not sure it made much sense... Moonday today. Perfect timing... tomorrow... no attachment to practicing.
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Can someone stop the merry go round now?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:54 PM | Comments (3)
September 10, 2007
Lousy... Whine, Moan... Whine...
The alarm went off this morning and I groaned. I just didn't want to go off. I'm pretty sure I turned the snooze button through the entire Joss Stone Right To Be Wrong song (yes, I have an iHome). I ended up getting up in time to make it to the studio about an hour late. When I drove into the parking lot I noted my teacher's car wasn't in its usual spot... then it dawned on me perhaps he was away on travel. Shucks.
So I waved GoodBye to my motivation and then thought I'd be stupid to not even get on the mat. So I did. It was silly. I pretty much said when I started that I would do whatever I could do in 45 minutes. Usually, when I utter such words to myself, I'd get to 45 minutes and push on through. But today that didn't happen. About 8:55, Tiff walked in. I could hear her talking outside the door... at some point she did one of her Charades type of hand communications with me so I used the excuse to get up and go chat for a minute. I don't think I've ever done that before. Then I came back in, did two more poses and I left.
Such is the lift of a wanna-be yogini :)
I keep thinking how much funner the bar with Soozin was. Bad, very bad lady.
The hormonal fluctuations of the day, the heaviness of the moon day, the craziness of my life just got worse throughout the day... til tonight when I find myself just perfectly sad. I just need one thing in my life that I think I get or am doing well. Just one.. that's it... one.
In truth, I do have this one thing. I've been really processing some huge parts of myself from my childhood and exploring boundaries and freedoms. It's been amazing. I think about it nearly all of my days right now. It's just that the avenue on which I'm traveling isn't exactly the best one... or the smartest... Jason said something to me when I spent the morning having The Best Latte EVER. He asked me why I attribute a judgment to things. It wasn't with respect to this particular situation but it probably applies just as well. I wonder would happen if I just completely let go of all those judgments... all that self-criticsm I have?
Tomorrow is a moon day. I'm glad. It's not that I don't want to practice... it's that I'm afraid to face my practice. Your practice is one of those things that forces you to be real everyday. It forces you to face yourself and challenge all the lazy crap you allow your mind to let in. It is The Reckoning if you will.
I'm so not ready to be reckoned with.
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P.S. Tonight I tried to recreate the Grilled Cheese with onions and tomatoes from Vita Cafe in Portland. It was SOOOO good.. but it didn't quite get there. I think it was the cheese. Someone ask them what kind of cheese they use next time you are in.
P.P.S. I haven't had a phone call from any lawyers lately. It always amazes me, having worked in legal for over 20 years, how quickly people bring up litigation. Whether litigation ends with court time, mediation, dismissal or whatever doesn't matter. All legal matters begin with a point of litigation. I was talking with a peer today. We all work in legal and have for years. Not being a lawyer but having to fully understand and analyze the majority of processes which a lawyers utilizes day in and day out means we get awfully familiar with the inner workings of the legal world. Anyway, as we were talking about how everything revolves around a C/M# I mentioned how I think our world has turned Litigation Happy. He told me that, in his opinion, the world has used the concept of litigation and our judicial system to abandon all personal responsibility. Don't like how something is, sue. Don't like a choice you made, sue. Don't get me wrong, some litigation is absolutely necessary but, if you had any idea the amount of crap in the judicial system, it would make you wonder.
P.P.P.S. My neighbor brought over an entire bag of fresh figs tonight.. what can I do with them?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:43 PM | Comments (11)
September 9, 2007
PDX
I didn't practice Friday morning. My intention was to get up and go in but I tweaked my shoulder so badly in Kapotasana on Thursday that I wasn't sure it was a good idea. So I slept, worked... and then drove from Seattle to Portland rolling in around 1am.
Using Google Maps on my phone (thank God for Google Maps), I found Near East Yoga and Jason and Tara... It was a bit cold in the room and my body was stiff and worn out from the shoulder tweak, traveling and a lack of sleep. I probably should have just done first series but I wanted to try Kapotasana with Jason... right up until I got to Kapotasana and then I decided to do a crappy execution of it while he was helping someone else. Only he's no dummy and so I did it again... and then again... and continued to freak out somewhere down there every time. With enough practice, I swear I will love Kapotasana.
After practice Jason and I went to coffee and I had the best latte ever. StumpTown coffee rocks.... we then all had lunch at a killer restaurant where I had the best grilled cheese sandwich ever... and then we went to a fun little street fair.
I was feeling a bit tired... little sleep, long practice... lots of sunlight... so I took a nap in my friend's car on the side of the road beneath a tree and then drove over to Beluahland to meet up with Susan (who deserves a link but I'm too lazy to do it right now). Susan rocks. We threw back a few beers (I noted that she must have thought I was some freak because her original plan was to only stay for one drink ;-) but she ended up staying for a few :) ). Some funny things happened in that bar but we'll leave that for a later post.
I ended up in downtown Portland.... sitting at a corner bar right by Powell's watching all the funky crunchy granola people cruising by. I really like Portland. It's a cool town. Everyone tells me I'd hate it in the winter though. I'm way too much of a California Princess apparently.
Around midnight a friend and I found this really old machine... it sorta looked like a wierd typewriter but we could tell it was some sort of calculator. We tried and tried to figure it out, we looked it up on the Internet and can confirm that it is a calculator of sorts but we never did figure out how it was intended to work. This demonstrates was a complete geek I truly am.
Still later... I had one of the most mind blowing experiences ever. One of those "can't really talk about it" things. And now I sit in the airport waiting for a very delayed flight back to San Diego.
And, no, I'm not even going to get started on Ashtangi.NET for today ;)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:46 PM | Comments (6)
September 6, 2007
Tadpole
It was cold in Seattle last night. I fell asleep with the window open and in the haze of sleepiness, didn't realize until 4am that that is why I was so bloody cold (and therefore awake) all night. Once warm, the alarm clock went off... shower, drive over to AYS. I love how hot the room is here. Practice was moving along... I got to watch Carl and his sandbags today. I said something to him about them... I'm assuming he knew it was me :)
My Bhekasana adjustment was wierd today. David moved my knees really close together... so close that I couldn't get my feet down. During the adjustment, instead of really working my back, he concentrated on keeping my knees together and pushing my elbows in and down... this did nothing for my back which is my passion for Bhekasana.
I did Kapotasana on my own. I have been doing it this wierd way where I move my shoulder blade out and around as I'm coming down, keeping one hand on my thighs. The problem with this (aside from it being completely incorrect method) is that I somehow pulled my shoulder way too far around and tweaked my shoulder. Really tweaked it. Every drop back hurt (including the one where I tried to stand up and pushing into the shoulder and fell... I haven't fallen standing up in a long time). So I finished up... did a quick closing.. and have been nursing my shoulder ever since. I hope it isn't screwed up royally.
Jai Hanuman!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:26 PM | Comments (2)
September 5, 2007
Put Your Records On
I've had that song stuck in my head for the last 24 hours. The Son even said "Mom, you've got that song stuck in your head!"
But that's exactly what I'm doing... I'm putting my records on. It is so awesome to put your own records on. Try it. Just do your thing.
I did school drop off this morning then went to practice. Practice rocked today. My hamstrings were stoked. I arrive halfway through 7am Mysore and started out practicing right behind The Best Friend's beautiful wife. I always think it is pretty special that she does ashtanga at out studio. It makes me happy.
Tiff arrived when I was halfway through... along with Bandha Queen. We had a nice little chat session *gasp* but that's cool, sometimes, the only place you see someone is on the mat. Put your record on!
I took a late afternoon to Seattle. AYS tomorrow, Jason & Tara on Saturday :) up in Portland. Life is so much fun.
What's your record?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:58 PM | Comments (1)
Led
I got up this morning and went to led first series. When my teacher saw me he said "What are you doing here?" I told him that I've become one of those people that has to take it where I get it... even if it means a led class. Unfortunately, I was just off this morning. I couldn't get to feeling good about anything. I'm not sure why.
Late to practice tomorrow after kid drop off and then a flight to Seattle. Seattlites - expect to see me somewere... and then I get to go to Portland and see (and practice with) Tara and Jason.
Today The Son and I had a talk with his teacher. There have been a few issues with another kid in his class. I was so proud of him because he was so scared to bring the subject up first with me and then with her but he did it anyway. He reminded me of the virtue of bravery.
Update from On This Day:
Today was my first practice post surgery. Kathy was right.. it is hard to believe how far I've come.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:24 AM | Comments (1)
September 3, 2007
Whatever
Phoenix was hot. Hot. I still practiced. It was lovely.
One of the things I've been having fun with is really pushing my own boundaries. I'm doing things in my life that I just would never have done before. It's a very liberating feeling. It's also scary as hell. It is very alive.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:39 PM | Comments (6)