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August 30, 2007
Chillin Take 2
Tonight I am just hooked up (said in my best palidrome company inflection)... nothing major but a fun tonight. I'm all alone, I got a glass of wine, KJS' bean dip (that she made me the night of my last surgery when I was on massive Vicodin and did Hanumanasana after major surgery on the floor of her living room). I got the new issue of Technology Review (followed by the new issue of Good), some Nag burning... and some stupid MTV show on.
I had kid duty this morning...the new schedule of school is throwing yet another wrench in my already crazy life. Post-drop-off practice was absolutely spectacular. After yesterday and my body's rebellion to my idiocy of the past month or so, I figured today would suck physically. But, in the end, it was just normal. It was hot and sweaty... it was REALLY hot and sweaty. There was so much sweet energy in the room. I got to practice across from Shayna. I was only going to do first series but when I was done, I felt so awesome and happy that I did my second series poses too.
The happiest moment was actually in Kapotasana. When I got to Kapotasana I thought "Well, that was dumb... you did your second series poses and now you have to do Kapotasana." So I did Kapotasana and, got the dreaded adjustment in the first attempt. About halfway through, I grazed my heels and thought "Woah, where did THOSE come from?" So I did Kapotasana again. It wasn't really that I got any further but it's an amazing headrush isn't it?
My teacher still hasn't shaved off the beard from the Shasta trip. It's the new running joke of the shala. How many ways can we describe the "look"? But, you know, if I grew a beard in Shasta, I'd feel the same way about shaving it off. Hang on to the magic... just a little bit longer.
The Daughter had to do a "What I Did This Summer" presentation in first grade (which consists of bringing in an object and saying 3 sentences). She brought the rock that we brought home from the hot springs trip in Shasta. It was just a few of us and very special. We printed out some pictures for her to take. I'm really happy it was the highlight of her summer. It definitely was of mine.
Later today, after practice, I got to have an experience I've never had before. It was naughty and nice and extremely unexpected (and, no, I'm not revealing even via email). I'm still processing that I was present in the space presented to me... or that it was presented to me at all.
Tonight -- parent orientation for first and fourth grades, visit to the in-laws house... and, then, here I sit....
I'm driving the hot BMW to Los Angeles tomorrow. Today, I got on the freeway, was having a bit of fun (like I thought 90)... looked down, was going 110. Oops. So, yea, the drive should be pretty fun (even if I'm stuck in traffic).
Jai Ma
Oh, and because I haven't done it lately... today's Rumi:
(which happens to be perfect for my current quest to stay within the moment... every moment... no matter what it presents)
Don't go off sightseeing.
The real journey is right here.
The great excursion starts
from exactly where you are.
You are the world.
You have everything you need.
You are the secret.
You are the wide opened.
Don't look for the remedy for your troubles
outside yourself.
You are the medicine.
You are the cure for your own sorrow.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:44 PM | Comments (7)
August 29, 2007
Just A Chillin
When the alarm clock went off this morning there was no second thought of not getting up. It still took me a good 15 minutes to roll out of bed (and would have taken me longer except that I realized I should take a shower before practice)... but today was do or die. Today was the day when you've just stepping a little too far over that very fine line... pull it back in girl, pull it back in.
Practice was... practice. I did just first series today. It seemed like the entire room was filled with new faces, crowded and I didn't even know half the people there (or so it seemed, in truth I probably did). It also seemed like everyone was doing second (or third or fourth I think). Eh, whatever... I was just happy to be there.
A once blogging teacher trainee was next to me today ;) She did Kapotasana, came up and said "I hate that pose." I turned and said "Oh, me too. Me too." I also watched OKRGR do a wonderful Kapotasana today... heels without struggle... very nice work.
I had the thought today that standing up from a backbend is becoming a parlor trick. The parlor tricks are the things you can do drunk in a parol if you wanted (seriously, I have no idea what the phrase means but that's my best guess)... like Bakasana which looks impressive but is really not so hard to do (I said do NOT get out of!). 3 backbends that were stiff as heck and I was standing.. I wimped out on drop backs though.. need much more flexibility to do that.
It amazes me that there is still no Ashtanga in Phoenix... what the heck is up with that? (actually I really like that ashtanga is still so simple and traditional that it isn't all over...) Friday I am in L.A. (but Joey I don't think I'll be able to practice..)
After I cut all my hair off. For those of you that haven't seen me recently, my hair was past the bra line... hadn't been cut in probably a year or more... I'm feeling amazingly wierd without my hair. It's sorta cool, I guess. Practice will be so much easier without having to worry about where the heck my hair is, is going, shouldn't be going that's for sure.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:32 PM | Comments (8)
August 28, 2007
Skeletons
I'm having a hard time blogging lately. I can't really talk about my personal life because, well, it's no longer personal... it involves other people's privacy. I can't really talk about my work because, well, ya just can't do that. I can't really talk about my practice because, well, I don't really have one this week.
It's not that I'm depressed really. Just very aware of the struggle to put some perspective and balance in my life. The things that are amazing... are so over the top amazing... and the things that are iffy are just way way too iffy. I've made the committment to myself to live within the moment. To always come back to "this is what is, right at this moment" and not live with expectations for the next. I'm doing a really good job of being present actually.
It's just that the world feels like it is turning way too freakin' fast. It's like moving along to someone else's count in a led class. You know the count is coming but you have just started your inhale and you gotta fit in the exhale.
We are taking the kids to Phoenix for the Labor Day weekend. Yes... hot.
I am still trying to plan a trip to NYC. I haven't put enough effort into it yet... but it will manifest.
Tomorrow... the mat.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:17 PM | Comments (6)
August 27, 2007
Of New York and Peels
So I might be coming to NYC next week... that is if I can find an affordable hotel in the city (I cannot believe how expensive they are right now!)... A yogi get together? I also might get a blue peel... I don't even know what that is but it is what The Best Doctor In The World told me I should get to fix this spot on my face that is driving me insane (oh the vanity).
First day of school today. First Grade and Fourth Grade. Wild. My kids are just spectacular.
Work is taking off... now to figure out what and how... and when.
Practice is non-existent (due to the first day of school and the moonday tomorrow).
My body is jacked up... but I swear it will get better.
Manifest, manifest, manifest.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:46 PM | Comments (6)
Back...
Flew our to Florida for a conference. I tried to write a really cool narrative about it but I'm failing miserably so:
- Morning 1 I was woken up by the sheriff's department. Had a moment of panic when I wondered if the business associates I was there with were a little rough around the collar or not. Turns out our rental car had been broken into and the GPS unit we rented stolen. I then spent two hours trying to get a hold of Budget rental car. I was hung up on 4 times and two hours into it, we put some sheets down over the glass in the car and drove it back to the airport.
- I then spent days feeling like all I did was talk. Oh, that is all I did.
- I got to go to Cirque and have dinner with CIODude. I then proceeded to lose him basically each and every time I saw him at any other event.
- On the last night, we all turned in at midnight (yes, that was early). We set the alarms on our phone in the car... We missed our respective flights out. Unfortunately for me, my airline wanted to charge me $589 to change my ticket to another flight. $589. I ended up just buying a ticket on another airline and getting home 6 hours late.
Now to catch up on life... on practice..
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:03 AM | Comments (2)
August 16, 2007
So many posts... so little time
This is The Son. He's amazing. If you look at this picture in original size and just look at it for awhile, this is him. He just is. He asked me to take this picture. He asked me to take a picture of him looking to the side. I agreed not thinking much of it. When I saw this picture I thought "Wow... look at the emotion in his face and his posture. It's perfect."
The Daughter gets a lot of face time in this blog. In fact, The Daughter probably gets more face time in real life too. I hate that. Is it really that natural that we gravitate towards those of our own sex?
When The Son was born I didn't really work. I worked a bit but only 10 hours a week and completely manageable. I didn't do anything for myself and it didn't matter. I miss those days. I miss the freedom. I miss the complete connectedness you feel with another human soul when you are together 24 hours, 7 days a week.
I sometimes forget that that little soul is still out there, with all those emotions on his face and all that bliss.
It's interesting to be on the verge of making a choice about lifestyle. Do I forget all that I think is important for like 3 years and just work... and then move on.... can all those things wait? Can I wait?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:46 PM | Comments (12)
I Live For Hope Too
Though I will never birth another child (that I'm aware of).
Though I am not active in the local homebirth community.
Though I have fallen into the shadows of what was "natural parenting" for me....
This blog post (warning graphic birth pictures included):
is one of the most amazing stories, with some of the most amazing pictures I have ever seen.... and I truly hope the nature of birth within our society can be so touching and so loving and so free in the future.
Om Namah Shiva.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:06 PM | Comments (2)
Hands In The Air
Just like a rollercoaster ride (or, in the alternative, 3-4 yogis in a convertible up on a mountain with the radio blaring, top down, on the way to or from some incredible, magical place full of spirit)... that's my life right now. Paying heavily for my "life" right now financially and barely have the time to enjoy it. The thing is, I can't quite pinpoint what I'm doing. Yea, been traveling a lot but feel somewhat unproductive. I think I've only been in town a few weeks out of the whole summer and now the summer appears to be winding down... coming to a close... that makes me sad.
We made a committment to do this "business" thing and I knew when doing so that my family time would suffer. That everything would suffer. I think I'm okay with it. I'm trying to lay the guilt 6 feet under and just live in the moment.
The odd thing is I really do feel like I'm living in the moment. I feel so free and clear and, well, happy. I like what is happening. I like it. I am learning so much about myself and my needs and what I like and don't like and what makes me smile and what makes me stressed.
I've even been practicing and I feel healthy. I practiced yesterday up in L.A. with Noah & Kimberly and had the pleasure of looking up in the midst of practice to Joey putting his mat down next to me. YAY :) Noah about did me in during kapotasana. I really thought I might die. In fact, I resisted to the point that I literally completely and totally froze up mentally and physically. I had nothing, no veil of comfort, no trust in the moment or the teacher.. just completely and utterly frozen on the mat. Noah saying "Breath... a little more" and me shaking my head vigorously and finally groaning out "NO" and dropping my head. I didn't even get as far as I normally get because I freaked out so hard. Not sure why ... maybe it was the way he had me go into it, maybe it was the idea of someone else adjusting me (other than my teacher) or maybe it was just the space I was in mentally... who cares really.. just a total freak out. When I came up, I blacked out. He was talking to me, I could hear his voice but I have absolutely no idea what he said to me, what he looked like or what I responded with. I vaguely remember tapping my forehead in a gesture of "Yes, it is all in the mind." but that's about it.
Freak out...
I haven't had any meat in about a month, just some fish here and there... and I feel good about it. My word is still just AWESOME. Everything is AWESOME.
CIODude... thank you for the beautiful cards. I finally checked my mailbox :) You rock for always thinking of me. Looking forward to Cirque next week!
Wiley... Thank you for the smile..perfect song and I swear I'm gonna call you... I just keep waiting for a moment when I won't be interrupted. I have about an hour wait in the airport Sunday so perhaps I'll try then. The dresses are lovely... I need to come visit so we can try shit on!
I've got a slew of emails to return... lots of admin work for the Ashtangi.NET website. If I had time, I could write a web part which would allow self registration, editing for both blogs and links (in other words, you could sign your own blog up and modify the link if you change it)... but I haven't had time to write the web part. I even have free hosting with my new company which would save a ton of money... but time is the issue :)
No practice today... taking the kids on a hike through Torrey Pines. Tomorrow Intro to Second... Sunday off to Orlando.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:22 PM | Comments (1)
August 13, 2007
I Heart Bhekasana
I'm so stoked. I don't really know why I'm so stoked. I've just felt so good all day. After a month of really drastic hormonal shit I finally feel grounded and solid... I finally feel like myself. I've been partying a little less and finding a nice balance between moments of panic and moments of bliss. I literally have no idea where I'm going in life in any one single direction... parenting, marriage, professionally, with the practice, with anything.
On the one hand, this is really an amazing experience. Floating almost through life. One experience after the other. I nearly feel completely at the mercy of the universe and almost as if the longer I float, the longer I know things will be right. Take myself out of the equation.
T R U S T
Or this whole idea could be from the amazing freakin' bhekasana I had today. Due to a slight health ordeal this morning, I didn't make practice at the studio but I did make Kiran's 7pm class tonight. It rocked. The class was packed but Kiran takes no bullshit. I love that about Kiran. I asked for backbends :) Practice just rocked, rocked, rocked... and then Kiran had us do Bhekasna. Now, I've admitted (to my teacher even!) that I sit and wait for an adjustment in Bhekasana. Going on with the rest of second without a Bhekasana adjustment is scary, at best. I always hate to ask for special things in a gym class. I figure she has her hands full but I do anyway... So I asked for an adjustment and it just ROCKED. It was the best Bhekasana ever and it rocked! I've been high ever since.
Floating and High: Dangerous
Rumi for today:
You've so distracted me,
your absence fans my love.
Don't ask how.
Then you come near.
"Do not..." I say, and
"Do not...," you answer.
Don't ask why
this delights me.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:45 PM | Comments (0)
August 12, 2007
Hot Hot Hot
Seattle wasn't as beautiful this trip. Sorta muggy and overcast the entire trip. I wasn't sure what the deal was with work which tripped me out... but I did get to have a nice dinner with my friends up there. We had a lovely bottle of Ehlers cab over dinner and some great conversation. I found it funny because these are "friends" from my professional world. I'm not really working with them right now but we still always get together for dinner or drinks and that makes it more like friends. They were hiking up Mt. Rainier today and invited me along... I would really have liked to do that hike but I had to come home... raincheck.
Friday night saw me at a sorta house party... tried some new things but it didn't seem to work for me. I did manage to practice on Friday though... an awesome ego-filled physical practice (sometimes those rock too).
Saturday we took the ferry over to somewhere :) Landed in Kingston and drove a couple hours out to the Olympic National Park and the hot springs up there. Man, the drive up alone just rocked... beautiful little towns and seedy motels too. Satellite radio on... road trip. When we finally reached the literal end of the road for the hike up to the hot springs it was about 3pm. I bought new Solomons with GorTex last week so I was stoked to try them out but the hike was mostly asphalt :( I did however fall off a rock into a stream, landed my whole foot in the water and, you know what!? They were dry. Awesome.
We got to the hot springs..what a beautiful walk. HUGE green trees and beautiful, beautiful scenery. The sound of rolling water for most of it. We climbed up to the very top hot spring... it was up not-well-defined path (no asphalt :>) and found a pool all to ourselves. A small waterfall flowed into the bath. The water was hot. Lovely.
After the hike back, we worried whether there would be a ferry to take us back across... but we caught the 10pm one and cruised into Seattle somewhere around midnight. Such a great day. I love the whole hike to water, relax, hike back deal. I gotta find some of those around here.
Ah....
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:18 PM | Comments (1)
August 7, 2007
Quad Burn
I had meetings all morning so I decided to take the noon ashtanga prep class at the club. I'm not sure what to make out of it. It wasn't yoga, just a physical practice. Not ashtanga either but lots of leg work... nice deep quad burning after yesterday's run.
But I'm high on endorphins... so I ran again this afternoon.
I can't find any desire to re-enter life. I'm so twisted (funny, I got an adjustment in twisting pose today and the teacher said "Wow, there's some twist in that spine." So I said "Oh, yea, you should do me in Mari D!" I realize now how comical that sounds)... I can't find a way to straighten up and start moving again.
Oh well... I suppose at some point critical mass will hit and I'll engage just in time to make it through the next fire.
In the meantime, off to Seattle...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:47 PM | Comments (5)
August 6, 2007
Integration
I got up for practice this morning. I went back to sleep... and then someone called and woke me up for me and I managed to make it... but I forgot the Ibuprofen. The knee was okay but the back was begging for it's drug. Fortunately, I didn't have time for the full series today so I did half practice and rolled up the mat.
It's always wierd to walk into the studio when the energy is different... when you've been gone for a month, things change. There were so many new faces today... and a sweet face of a once teacher trainee who was remarkable and just moved here to practice with Tim. A Shasta hug to start with and the same calm light shining from the regulars.
I am so high on exercise right now... I can't integrate back into life. After practice all I wanted to do was go hike. Instead I ended up in an office building, breathing recirculated air talking about technology and how I was going to solve a bazillion little problems. My mind is tired. I like the bliss of relaxation and less stress. I did, however, go for a run. My Sauconys still feel awesome... I took The Dog with me (though she needs to stop and smell the flowers a bit too often). I took it slow and short but I loved it... my quads are burning, my legs feel strong... have my hips tightened up?
Options for practice tomorrow are solo or a led by some guy who took over Kiran's classes where we used to get to do Mysore :( I don't know the guy so it's a toss up.
Back to the poetry:
May my speech be one with my mind,
and may my mind be one with my speech.
O thou self-luminous Brahman,
remove the veil or ignorance from before me,
that I may behold thy light.
Do thou reveal to me the spirit of the scriptures.
May the truth of the scriptures be ever present to me.
May I seek day and night to realize
what I learn from the sages.
May I speak the truth of Bahman.
May I speak the truth.
May it protect me.
May it protect my teacher.
-- Upanishads
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:07 PM | Comments (0)
August 5, 2007
Wish You Were Here
I had to debate giving this post the title of "Awesome" but, at the last minute, I decided that this title is more the sum of everything this past week has been.
In all actuality, there are simply no words to describe the profound and deep experience I've had the past week. Simply no words.
I am so grounded and perfect... and everything is just blissfully right right now.
Pulled atop a mountain
The lovers card
Distintegration leads to integration
- Jai Ma
The Moment Of Bliss
Saying Goodbye
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:13 PM | Comments (6)