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June 30, 2007
What Sucks
I have a six thousand dollar check sitting in my purse on the floor next to me. I turn it over tomorrow morning. It's a little scary. It's the wonderful edge between being complacent and comfortable (you know, like how you don't really try in xxxasana anymore) and being completely close to falling off your rocker (sorta like Kapotasana when you aren't Jenna or that other bitch, Tiff).
I sorta feel like that professionally too. Like I'm on the edge of really truly, this time really not knowing what the hell I'm doing. I probably wouldn't be happier any other way.
I had to pay $35 today to get a prescription from a doctor that I didn't even get the courtesy to see. What's wrong with that picture?
The wierdedst thing is that it is all good. Things are just so perfect right now. I have complete and utter trust that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be at. What's that shit they talk about? Nerve cleansing.....
Trust (the tattoo I didn't get to get last night :< it's okay though... I can always stop by... what a fun way to spend 5 hours with two people!!!!)
Two things majorly sucked today.
First I had to say goodbye to Vanessa. I had to get up and leave so I wouldn't cry. Vanessa is just so rad. I can't believe my fortune in being connected with people of her caliber. I am bummed that my busy-ness kept me out of town all week :( I have, however, sworn, that I will visit her in London.... I need to find some business out there :)
Second, I told myself all day that I was going to go in the garage and then I was going to eat a big bowl of chocolate ice cream. I haven't been eating much lately (and I feel good about it) and I haven't had ice cream in forever. It so totally sucks when you let the tub sit out for like 15 minutes... and yet digging ice cream out of the pint is that one muscular movement that you can't do. I can't do it. The pecs, they don't go there.... (think about that for a minute, I can't shovel out ice cream)... I got one little miniscule spoon filled and just gave up... instead I ate some cheese (cheddar and Port Salute.. yum) and had a glass of wine.
Cheers!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:03 AM | Comments (3)
June 29, 2007
Ashtangi.NET Tattoos
Vanessa:
Jenna:
Us 3:
and some more pictures on my Flickr Page :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:15 PM | Comments (8)
June 25, 2007
Lost
I had this entire post about my practice today, dropping off OKRGR's present, Troy's teaching.. but then when I went to save it and Britany Spears (the name of the wireless router I'm currently utilizing) lost it... I figure I can't recreate it so why try.
It was a good practice, lots of attention to the things I've been slacking on. Hands to heels in Kapotasana but lost when I put my head down. A bunch of closed eyed dropbacks (which are sorta scary)... I actually landed Bakasana A's exit today IF you could count a jump to chatarunga where my chin hit solid ground... but, hey, closer.
Then I spent the day vascillating between that stage when your practice was so rough physically that you've plum forgotten (and had a lovely reminder) of how the physical can bring you to another plane spiritually altogether and that other space where your practice was so rough physically that your body has basically all but shutdown.
I have this wild feeling that my life is spinning out of control... that any normal person in my situation would be completely and utterly immobilized and freaked out... and, yea, I feel a bit freaked out but I'm also slightly giddy at the prospect of finding the next step in life no matter if it ends up somewhere I've been before 50 times or somewhere completely new. I'm not really thinking of the future when I think that either. In fact, for the most part, I can't really see scenery that isn't somewhere I've already been. It's like deciding to move out of Southern California... the idea is so far fetched and absolutely foreign to thought that it isn't really a cohesive thought.
Seattle was beautiful today.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:04 PM | Comments (11)
I Heart You
I think the alarm went off at 5:30 this morning. When I set it, I had every intention of getting up, driving to Portland and practicing with Casey. But, as usual, I tossed and turned all night and I must have finally passed out at 5am. I managed to convince myself to get up what I thought was a short time later but, instead, it was 9am.
I drove to Portland anyway. It was about 2.5 hours. I now understand why there is so much traffic in Seattle. It's not that really there is traffic here, it is that people don't know how to DRIVE in the traffic. My little nostalgic road trip started off perfect. With no iPod and no CDs (save the Puff The Magic Dragon in the CD player courtesy of the car's owner) I had to fend for myself with the radio. The local alternative station was having an Ode To The Original Outed Gays in honor of the Gay Pride festival. This included mostly 80s stars like Boy George, Bronski Beat and Erasure. It was very appropriate for the Nostaglia Road Trip. Slowly, however, I understood how frustrating it must be for California drivers up here. The fast lane is meant for those people, in general, driving over the speed limit. Now, yes, technically, driving faster than the speed limit is, well, illegal... but we are all adults here and we all know that everyone does it. Not only do law biding citizens drive horrendously forever in the left hand lane, but they box people in. Why not have every car in every lane driving the exact same speed just inches apart? Yes, why not? I also got to experience torrential downpours that lasted just a couple minutes and then cleared to a sunny sky.
I spent a few hours with LargeWarmHand, his wife and 2 little beautiful girls and then drove back. This time, the traffic really was bad and it took 4.5 hours. I did a quick 20 minute practice when I got back... a bit of standing... a few forward bends... one set of backbends. I am hoping to wake up in the morning and make it to Troy's in order to deliver the underwear. I will try Satya on Tuesday morning.
I think I'm gonna go do some more backbends.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:09 AM | Comments (3)
June 24, 2007
Road Trip
Flew to Seattle today. As much as I'm flying I'm happy to say, I'm finally at the point where I don't freak out and feel nauseous on the way to the airport.
When I got here I met this little 11 year old sweet girl who's mom is a yoga teacher... and her dad is really awesome. Anyway, she went and found my yoga mat... and we did some poses. I love yoga.
I love yoga so much that I'm thinking of driving to Portland tomorrow. In fact, I think I am going to Portland tomorrow. A business associate leant me her car for the week and there's no Mysore here tomorrow (or led first that I can tell). One of my good friends is there with his family and I haven't seen them in forever so it seems right... I thought it was 2 hours... today I found out it is 3 (thanks to all the blog people ... see it was like I was saying...) But I think I've decided screw it... I have ALL DAY with NOTHING to do... I should just f'in take a road trip.
So, Angel, DjM, Wiley... think about it. The black car, the windows down, Ministry blaring from the windows, the Alibi, that wierd little dance club that was up a few stories out in timbuktoo somewhere... or like roaming around Oceanside on LSD... or pushing a broken yellow Truck Schager was driving up some dirt road on Catalina Island.... a road trip, it's gonna be just like that!!!!!
I have some underwear for someone... how do I get it to you anyway? I'm here, look me up! :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:50 AM | Comments (8)
June 22, 2007
Ashtangi.NET Friends
I've been scarce. Partly because I can't really blog about what is going on for me. It's not really that I care if the whole wide world knows but we are no longer talking about just my internal garbage and, so, it matters. My long time readers aren't dumb though and many of you have figured it out. Let's just not talk publically about it for awhile :-)
The other reason is that I'm just so busy... I'm also at critical mass. I'm at the tipping point between being okay and being completely and totally over the edge. It's a scary place. It's also exhilirating in many ways.
It isn't just my personal life that is absolutely over the top. My professional life is a sticky stream of what the hell am I doing and what the hell do I do. Too many choices is just too hard to have. I know I should be grateful but it is really hard to get a gut feeling when every day some knew pitcher comes to the mound. I was never really good at baseball and never really aspired to be but I've been put on first base and I don't remember when I'm supposed to run.
(OMG I made a sports analogy!!)
What never ceases to amaze me is how wonderful the Ashtangi.NET community is. Sometimes I wish that all of you could have the experiences I've had with all the people I've had them with. Now, I know that lots of you have personal relationships that are super special and have had equally amazing moments but I just wanted to say thank you to so many people. I realized I know so many of them through this thing... really the people I feel inspired by the most in life. These are people who have gotten tattoos with me (ooo and more to come!), cried with me, held my hand when the doctors were going to cut open my breasts, nursed me, laughed with me, practiced with me... touched me at just the right moment during some really heart opening pose to tell me they were there for me... You've emailed me knowing, just from the tone of my posts, that something was amiss (actually the words were so fitting "I .. get the sense that an emotional seismic shift is taking place"), called me in 3 seconds flat when I sent an email saying I needed some help, drank wine with me. Like I think of you as friends! *GASP* It's really very cool. It's more than I could have ever asked the Internet to do for me. Surround me with amazingly beautiful people.
I had an amazingly wonderful practice on Tuesday I guess it was. I got to practice next to Jenna and V. I love the energy of teacher training even if we do "have to deal with the crowds." There is so much bliss and joy to be in a room that filled with people and share this thing we all do. Yesterday's practice on the other hand was pure and absolute misery. I actually gave up in the middle of it. Silly but true... I couldn't stop thinking. Tomorrow - Intro to Second if I can make it up from downtown on time but I doubt it.
Leaving for Seattle on Saturday -- hey Seattlites... David doesn't teach Sunday are there any classes up there for a Sunday? I'll have a car, can travel. Todd? I would love that... I think I will get to practice on Monday with David too as my meetings don't start so early and I'll have that car thing again. YEA.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:26 AM | Comments (9)
June 18, 2007
What A Day
Today started just flat out wierd. I wasn't sure what to make of the day when I woke up, I couldn't find my regular yoga clothes (apparently all dirty oops!)... The Silence was deafening this morning but not a deterrent. Practice was hot, humid and sweaty. Tiff practiced right next to me. It was the first time in a long time we've practiced next to each other and it was nice. I needed her warm light hearted young smile in my life this morning. If it wasn't for her, I probably would have sobbed somewhere around Mari B (my usual heart wrenching moment of yogic bliss).
For the second time in as many weeks, I asked my teacher for something. I asked him to read me a story today. I needed a story to wrap myself up in, to search for the reflection in the mirror. I told him I wanted a story of Hanuman. He read us a chapter from the Ramayana. I am blessed to have a teacher so freely giving.
After practice Jenna and V and I got pedicures... and then my car died in the middle of the street. Me, driving an SUV, and two 50 pounds five foot tall yoginis trying to push it to the side. Fortunately, for us, a big strong man noted our distress and assisted us. There is truth that the world is still a beautiful place.
The car is a different matter. :( I will have to take it to the dealer in the morning which means no yoga. I am going to try and get up and self-practice. I am no longer afraid of Kapotasana and would love to feel it's heart opening right now.....
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Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:09 AM | Comments (4)
June 16, 2007
A Series Of Silences
The options that have presented themselves to me at this point in time are too sensitive and too precarious to blog about. I will take refuge in silence. Refuge in my practice. I have my hands upturned and am asking for all of God's loving energy and strength.
For those of you that know the situation... the words were said. The future left hanging in the balance... there was no anger.... or apparent judgment... but a deep profound silence.
The journey has started to unfold. For once in my life, I have absolutely no idea what kind of trees surround me or how to tell which way is North and which is South... I'd head West but I'm afraid the ocean is at low tide and I can't seem to smell the salt in the air.. or feel the cool cool breeze of the wind.
Buddhi heena tanu jaanike sumiraun pawana kumaara
Bala budhi vidyaa dehu mohin harahu kalesa bikaara
Jaya Hanumaan gyaana guna saagara,
Jaya Kapeesha tihun loka ujaagara
Durgama kaaja jagata ke jete,
sugama anugraha tumhare tete
Saba sukha lahai tumhaaree sharanaa,
tuma rakshaka kaahu ko dara naa
Tulasee Daasa sadaa Hari cheraa,
keejai naata hridaya mahaan deraa
Pawanatanaya sankata harana mangala moorati roopa
I don’t know anything, so I remember you, Son of the Wind
Grant me strength, intelligence and wisdom and remove my impurities and sorrows
Hail Hanuman, ocean of wisdom/
Hail Monkey Lord! You light up the three worlds.
Every difficult task in this world becomes easy by your grace.
Those who take refuge in you find all happiness/
those who you protect know no fear.
Says Tulsi Das, who always remains Hari's servant'/
"Lord, make your home in my heart."
Son of the Wind, destroyer of sorrow, embodiment of blessings
Om Shanti Shanti Shanti
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:51 PM | Comments (5)
June 14, 2007
Mother
I'd finish the sentence, it has only one more word but it would be inappropriate on my blog and result in some fairly inappropriate blog hits.
I'm sitting in Atlanta. It's midnight (or thereabouts), 80 degrees outside. I'm stressed. So stressed that I smoked a cigarette (or two) *shhhhh don't tell anyone*. While I was smoking a cigarette, I gave the rest of the pack of cigarettes to the various homeless people who approached me. I liked talking to them. They were fun and honest...something you don't always find in the rush and hay of today's business world.
Moon day. Much needed? No, I would have loved to practice today... practice... it is the only thing that makes sense right now.
Teacher training starts Saturday... and so starts the debate of making it to the studio for cramped mat space.
Today's Rumi (From the Glance... clearly the book I brought on my trip):
There is a smile and a gentleness
inside. When I learned the name
and address of that, I went to where
you sell perfurme. I begged you not
to trouble me so with longing. Come
out and play! Flirt more naturally.
Teach me how to kiss. On the ground
a spread blanket, flame that's caught
and burning well, cumin seeds browning.
I am inside all this with my soul.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:41 PM | Comments (3)
June 12, 2007
The Sweetness On The Mat
I am in love with my practice. I had sorta fallen into a fickle relationship with it. Too much work, too much time... but, right now, my practice is absolutely everything I need. It's mental freedom, it's physical enough to get me to stop paying so much attention and it's fun.
Yesterday's practice was lovely and soft. Today's practice was just rock solid awesome. Sweat and work... I even got to use my teacher's favorite jest "Too many cookies" back at him today (as he sat on me for Bhekasana and I croaked like the tadpole I was). Nope, I still haven't landed chatarunga from Bakasana A's exit but I don't care. I didn't even really try hard (even though Tiff's man practicing next to me did an effortless exit from Bakasana A after Uttanasana and I was extremely jealous.
My heart is opening... amazing the coincidences in life that can cause a physical transformation. Today, fingertips on heels in Kapotasana... and backbends were as delicious as backbends could ever be. I could have done 20 of them... instead I opted for savasana.
~ Om Shanti Shanti Shanti ~
Today's bit of Rumi (from The Glance):
Face that lights my face, you spin
intelligence into these particles
I am. Your wind shivers my tree.
My mouth tastes sweet with your name
in it. You make my dance daring enough
to finish. No more timidity! Let
fruit fall and wind turn my roots up
in the air, done with patient waiting.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:31 PM | Comments (2)
June 10, 2007
Evolution Of Perfectionism
The other day, when I wrote about the night of drinking and debauchery, The Best Friend left a comment about my being The Spaceship Pilot.
When I was like 16, I drove a green MG Midget. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of exclaiming to me "Wow, you are so tall!" -- I'm very tall, for a girl. I think my head may have stood up out of the roof most of the time. Anyway, that car was deemed The Bauhaus Bug... mostly likely because you would, had you crossed paths with it at sometime back in the 80s, have heard Bauhaus blaring from the radio.
Anyway, we'd go out at night and everyone around me would get slammed... and I never could. It was the biggest joke at the time (one that, actually, has never changed). I drove us all over the planet. I always made sure everyone was safe, had a home to go to and, at the very least, outrun the cops when we needed to (TBF!) At some point, I was deemed The Spaceship Pilot because I could navigate our way through this wierd ass planet with all its social rules and customs and whatnot.
In my life right now, I sorta feel like The Spaceship Pilot. It's been a long time since I felt like her. I got to wondering why that is, what has changed, but more importantly, the thought crossed that I've lost something and I started to wonder what that is.
-----
Led first series today. It was everything I wanted it to be. Hot, sweaty, humid and my mat was sticky as a mat should be. Oh it was lovely. My mind was going crazy. Serious Monkey Mind. I was obsessed with one thought and kept finding myself realizing I wasn't thinking about it, then going back to think about it... like a hamster on a wheel. Shavasana was illuminating for me. I am never in savasana. In savasana I am always fidgeting, ready to get up, can't let go. Today, savasana couldn't have lasted long enough to please me.
After class I had a smoothie with someone I hadn't met before. It is wierd when you meet people who have no idea about your life, who you are, what you do, what your issues are... it's funny the things that you find out about yourself in those instances.
In the course of the conversation he told me that the jump back from Bakasana is one of the more elementary moves of second series. Man, am I in trouble ;-)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:44 PM | Comments (7)
Sweet
I sat down to blog tonight and realized there is nothing I wish to blog about. Everything I have going on for me today is so out of my regular space of analysis that I don't have words to describe it. So I won't even try.
I'm giddy with anticipation for led first series tomorrow. I don't think my mind can take any more nerve cleansing so a day of grounding forward bends should feel nice. I hope the room is hot and sweaty and humid, full of prana and energy.
I hope my mat isn't slippery.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:04 AM | Comments (1)
June 8, 2007
Longest of Days
I'm distracted.
I'm in over my head.
I'm confused.
I have too many choices.
I have no solid foundation from which to stand.
It's like they say, all poses start from the ground up... what do you do when the ground is grumbling, the trees are swaying and your eyes can't focus on a clear and distinct path?
And, yet, I feel so alive.
I feel...
like having a cigarette.
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Practice tonight.
I felt so happy walking to the studio. It was like coming home to the blanket of security. The thing I can depend on... the life force, the calm, the center... the gravity. I was actually somewhat giddy. I was, quite simply, happy to be there.
Intro to Second Series. Instead of an intro class it was just half second series. Which was fine except that I bought a new mat and left my mat (the one I love that I have a relationship with) up in Seattle so I wouldn't have to drag it with me all the time... and the new mat is still slimy, I was slipping all over the place.
We had a special guest assistant today. Most of you would recognize him from Ashtanga NY or Mysore I suppose. I begged for an adjustment in Supta Virasana but my teacher told me there were others who needed it more. After Supta Vajrasana, we were instructed to do Padma Mayurasana.... when I didn't set up for it, my teacher says from across the room "Julie?" To which I responded, "This is the one pose my doctor has told me to never, ever do." The room chuckled when he announced "Okay so Julie has a doctor's excuse, the rest of you don't."
As we reached research poses for the eka padas I realized how truly weak I am. It's easy to fake it, I'm flexible. I'm also weak.
Metaphor?
------
On the speakers:
Feeling tired
By the fire
The long day is over
The wind is gone
Asleep at dawn
The embers burn on
With no reprise
The sun will rise
The long day is over
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:45 PM | Comments (0)
Undone
Have you ever had the experience of feeling that everything was right. It's not necessarily that everything is right or that everything ever could be right... but just that in some particular moment, with a thought, a feeling, a song, a look... with whatever, that everything is right. Or maybe it isn't right. Maybe it is that you can feel the tangible evidence that God exists, that the phrase "if there is a God" really does mean something because you get just the smallest glimpse of what "right" looks like.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:45 AM | Comments (6)
June 5, 2007
Woah...
I drank a lot last night. I'm not ashamed to admit that I partied until the hours of this morning. We went to a lake, we lit fireworks in the street at 2a.m. (yes, I realize this was likely illegal). I went to "sleep" somewhere around 3am... except I never slept.
I went to work this morning, to collaborate with a team of developers, without a fully screwed on brain. It's sorta like yoga when you realize you can start doing poses late at night that were previously unattainable... it's sorta like that when you can still hold your own in a design meeting after 1 hour of sleep, no food and a cup of caffeine.
I took a nap all afternoon then went out with a bunch of people from work... we talked about work.. but after I broke out the yoga mat and did backbends... cold... and stood up, dropped back... stood up, drop back... kapotasana. more backbends, more backbends.
I love backbends at night.
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Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:02 AM | Comments (5)
June 3, 2007
Holy Mother of God
I had the best flight I've ever had today. Not that the flight was particularly different in terms of comfort, turbulence or other factors but my mind was much more peaceful. I had a sort of moment of realizing I was okay. For those of you who know me or, worse yet, have ever flown with me, you may realize what a big deal this was.
After arriving to yet another incredible Seattle afternoon, I drove to my hotel and practiced here in the room. It was the perfect temperature and everything was amazing. Perfect energy, perfect sweat, perfect everything. Perfect. Before Kapotasana I decided to do some backbending, as research. I wonder if you are allowed to pick your own research ;) 3 backbends, 3 dropbacks/up and then kapotasana. 4x. Shit if I can't get my right hand to my heel on my own before dropping down but hell if I can't figure out how to rotate the shoulder to bring it around. Like Friday night, it was simply a pleasure to be in the pose. Amazing... Perfect. After Kapotasana I decided to do regular finishing even though I had already done 6 backbends. So I started doing some more backbends... I had my rug folded up under my hips and soon I began to notice that the more I walked it in, the closer I was to having both hands and feet on the rug. I've measured, the rug is folded up to the length of my hand and about another inch past. At one point, I could see my heels... SEE them. In fact, I wasn't in discomfort mentally or physically and I reached out to grab my ankle but I couldn't keep my balance. I tried it a few times, each time amazed at how close I was and yet in no pain. It was fun. On the 5th one, my legs.... oh the legs... And for the first time since I've been practicing ashtanga yoga I figured out why the paschimottanasana at the end of backbending is so important... my quads were so tight and burning so bad... it felt like heaven to hold that pose for 20 breaths.
I can barely walk but that's okay... I'm near dumbfounded by the day. I'm on a yoga high... or just some sorta high.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:52 PM | Comments (2)
June 1, 2007
Never Felt So Good
I've been working a lot the last few days. The thing is, I've been working the perfect balance. Not too much, not too little. Yea, I stayed up til midnight or so writing code last night but I also spent the entire day goofing around. I drove three hours to have lunch with a friend (in Irvine, traffic sucked); I went to The Sun's big end of the year production (the Cafe, the kids learned about building a business by opening a one morning cafe... they had to bake the food (with parental help), create the menu, be waiters and photographers and the girls who sold the raffle tickets. Your own child got to server you and all proceeds go to the local animal charity)... when I finally got home, I did some work.
It was nice.
I had an early morning meeting today so I practiced tonight at the health club. Traditional first series. I was having this really wierd pain in my breast :( Occasionally it still happens and I have to remember not to berate myself that I struggle with it still. It's OKAY. Just be where you are. When you can really do that, the subbtle internal shift can be amazing. Tonight I had the most amazing Kapotasana. I don't much like doing inversions the day before my moon so I have been finding myself wanting to skip them. So while everyone else was doing closing and headstand, I did 3 versions of kapotasana. Each one amazing. Fingers to toes before dropping the head, able to feet the heel but not get it. On B, straight arms, so easy to pop up like that. It didn't really matter where my finger tips and feet were in relation to each other, it felt amazing and the breath was free and open.
Tomorrow I start Rolfing. This should be fascinating if not a wee bit scary. I haven't even been brave enough to get a massage since surgery (how I would lay face down on a table, would I have to tell someone the whole story just to get a massage?). Rolfing is no massage but I seem to have the same fears. What better time to face them?
Leave for Seattle on Sunday. I have to own up to enjoying traveling. I wish I didn't. I wish that I felt at no costs that I had to be home as that seems like it would be easier. Truth is, though, I like traveling.
I'm no real closer to knowing what I'm going to be when I grow up but I figure it doesn't matter. I'm doing okay and I don't have to be in a real hurry. I've even noticed that I don't feel like I have to take on every job. I've turned some down. I'm not even sure I turned down the right ones but I am glad that I have found some boundaries on my time. Still so many choices, just no overwhelming sense of rush.
I've decided that in the world of software developer there should be a singular role for "Error Check Implementer." I love writing the code and coming up with the solution but I hate having to sit and think through the loopholes and code around them.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:10 PM | Comments (0)