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May 26, 2007
It's Not A Cycle
As life has been heating up for me, as more and more options land themselves on my doorstep, as the future becomes more of a muddied water picture than something crisp and clear... I find myself in greater need of emotional intimacy. I hesitate to say support because, at this point in my life, I'm not sure what emotional support is. The sad part is, it isn't going to come from my life partner and I somehow, finally, need to come to terms with this.
Last night we went to dinner at Tiff's restaurant after first series practice. The intention was to discuss the past week of my life (because, in all honesty, all of you know far more about what has been going on than he does, he hasn't had the time to listen to me) but, instead, we got on the subject of my stress level. I actually don't feel stressed. I'm not feeling out of control.. in fact, I feel somewhat excited and happy... but I also recognize this feeling, this energy... this time of needing "more" from my romantic relationship. I guess actually needing someone to turn to, to lean on, to feel like they can hold me in their arms and make it all okay, at least for 5 minutes. It's something I've never had and, from the looks of things, never will.
The Husband told me last night that he has finally accepted this is who he is and he isn't going to change. I'm not angry about that. That's great. I guess I just feel I have this lingering question in the pit of my stomach that goes something like "Can *I* deal with this for the rest of my life?"
This isn't a pity party. I'm not feeling particuarlly upset or sad or stressed about it. It feels like a familiar place. When I need more, more isn't there. It's a place, this cycle, of acceptance and that's the scary party. It is scary because with each instance of needing "more" I've become more and more complacent about it. I've recognized the cycle before (just read my blog about coming home from bilateral mastectomies to an empty house, or my last surgery when I begged The Husband to fly to NY and he "couldn't")... and with each aha moment... with each "I've been here before" thought, I feel myself FEELING less and less.
That scares me.
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In first series last night, Dwi Pada didn't hurt at all... for some odd reason.... After backbending I decided to do Kapotasana... why? I don't know but Kiran was teaching and I knew she'd "let" me.. so I did. When she assisted she got my right arm on my heel and there was no internal drama... like I didn't freak out... but I couldn't figure out how to rotate my left shoulder at the same time and so the right one came off. The comfort zone is there... when you can do it once, you can do it again.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:05 PM | Comments (10)