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May 30, 2007
Bath Of Thoughts
Today's practice was altering. I chose that word because my teacher said it next to the student next to me during a particuclarly lovely dual-kapotasana adjustment. As I sat there and thought "Man, I'm glad I didn't get tag teamed," I realized it. I'm just not into my practice right now. But that isn't it. I'm not into the next pose (or, really, the last few poses I have). I no longer have any far reaching anxiety to "get the next pose." I'm quite content just here for forever. Unfortunately, I think I've gone too far the opposite direction from what YC is. I just really am not putting the work into it. Sure, poses are coming. Kapotasana is getting a tiny bit "regularly close to the heels" but I'm nowhere near landing Bakasana A exit... and I just really don't care. It is too passive. You need to care a little bit, right? I mean that's the whole idea, to move on? Is there anyone who has just never moved on?
I was thinking about this today actually before I read YC's post so I found it interesting to write a blog post about the thought. I had the thought that I wonder what happens when you practice with a certified teacher and then move and attend another studio. Do you continue with your practice as given? Do you want until your new instructor gives you Pasasana? Do you ask? Not that I'm planning on moving, just a general curiosity. I think in our studio, the student would be given the opportunity to continue their practice. This is a two way street afterall... You can also choose to park it on the curb. What matters is what you have practiced is true to you.
This brought me to this girl I know from yoga. When she first started she had been doing gym ashtanga for four years I think. She started coming maybe once a month, then every Sunday, then ever Tuesday, then ever Tuesday/Thursday and now I see her at 7am regularly. She used to be super competitive, ask for the next pose, when she wanted the next, she'd sit on her mat, wait for the teacher and ask. Her practice is beautiful. She learns the next pose within days and not just "semi-learns it" or "can do it most of the time" but actually amazingly perfect renditions. Today I watched her be given her next pose. I realized it has been a long time since I heard her ask for a pose. When I looked up at her, she had the most amazingly thankful looks on her face. She couldn't do the pose the first few tries. When our teacher said "We might be here for awhile." She responded "That's perfect." I don't normally write about people in my studio but I really found a respect for her today. No matter what else, she's showing up, doing the practice and finding equilibrium. That is perfect.
-----
I heard it was a Blue Moon tomorrow.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:23 PM | Comments (3)
May 28, 2007
What It Is
I fell asleep last night early. Tired. I thought I set the alarm clock but apparently did not. I woke up nearly an hour late. It is taking me awhile to realize that Mysore is from 7-11 now. It isn't always my teacher but that doesn't mean I don't show up to do the work.
It's wierd to say "not my teacher" because, honestly, I think everyone that practices at my studio is a teacher. I learn so much from the guy who has been practicing for 10 years, still doing primary, still shows up every day to his time on the mat. I learn so much from the girl with the bandhas of steel who can float through a practice without ever making a swish sound from their thigh sliding through just a little too quickly than to say "with control." I learn so much from the teachers and the students. But, my teacher, is just the one.
Anyway, I showed up at 8:30. Some people wrapping up, some people in mid-practice. It's sometimes a tad energetically different to be starting then... at the same time, there is value and truth to the magic of the sweat of the person next to you who has just finished all of second and starts on 3rd. Those glimpses can spur you on. I watched as OKRGR did an ankle grab kapotasana today... nice and clean. Inspiring. It's a different inspiration than someone who can just effortessly exist in the pose.
I can almost always get my right heel if someone helps me from the chest now. It is really helping to me feel in the back region what I'm supposed to be pushing into. I can't feel when someone points to my chest. I know where they are pointing but it's like the lack of nerve endings prevent me from understanding it from a physical perspective. So while I can get it, I still can't figure out how to get my left hand back at the same time. "It will come."
Had a nice afternoon outside. It's been sunny.. I love it. It fills me with an overwhelming joy for life. SUN! Yesterday I sat outside in a bikini, lounged across two chairs, reading half of A Thousand Splendid Suns. Today we had some friends over for a couple beers and some chips. I am a bit red now but it feels absolutely marvelous.
SUN!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:06 PM | Comments (8)
May 27, 2007
Dead Meat
Practice this morning.. hot, humid, left over energy from second series... sweat dripping off me before Utthita Hasta which is really unusual. So unusual that I actually got up after the first forward bend and paid $50 for a Mysore rug. I have been drastically increasing the amount of water I intake, by virtue of actually liking club soda.. I wonder if that has something to do with the dripplets of sweat I found on my mat. I still had a hard time jumping through on a rug, but not having to stew in my own sweat was more pleasant than the missed traction.
My knee hurt. Sore... bummer. My back never fully opened. I really need either second series or the lateness of the day for my back to feel like I'm not cinching it in half. I had neither today.
I always practice in the front of class. In our studio we practice facing each other except for Sunday morning led first series when it is simply too crowded and we must all face South. I always put my mat down right in front of Tim's... right by the pillar in front of the altar. I don't do this for egotistical reasons, I do it because I get claustrophobic if I attempt to practice in the middle of the fray. I must feel like I can get air. As we jumped through for shavasana I had this moment of completely emptiness and I looked at my teacher and said "Will you read us a story today?" I am not sure where this came from.... It came from some part of me that needed some wisdom, that needed the book to open to the perfect page, to the perfect words... to the perfect spirit.
Rumi never fails in the time of need (elipses indicate left out stanzas):
When I press my hand to my chest,
it is your chest.
....
You drive me away gently
as a flute song does a dove
from the eaves.
With the same song
you call me back.
....
There's nothing to believe
Only when I quit believeing in myself
did I come into this beauty
....
We have this way of talking, and we have another.
Apart from what we wish and what we fear may happen,
we are alive with other life, as clear stones
take form in the mountain.
This piece of food cannot be eaten,
nor this bit of wisdom found by looking.
There is a secret core in everyone not
even Gabriel can know by trying to know.
In the slaughterhouse of love, they kill
only the best, none of the weak or deformed.
Don't run away from this dying.
Whoever's not killed for love is dead meat.
Ask and you shall receive...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:52 PM | Comments (7)
May 26, 2007
It's Not A Cycle
As life has been heating up for me, as more and more options land themselves on my doorstep, as the future becomes more of a muddied water picture than something crisp and clear... I find myself in greater need of emotional intimacy. I hesitate to say support because, at this point in my life, I'm not sure what emotional support is. The sad part is, it isn't going to come from my life partner and I somehow, finally, need to come to terms with this.
Last night we went to dinner at Tiff's restaurant after first series practice. The intention was to discuss the past week of my life (because, in all honesty, all of you know far more about what has been going on than he does, he hasn't had the time to listen to me) but, instead, we got on the subject of my stress level. I actually don't feel stressed. I'm not feeling out of control.. in fact, I feel somewhat excited and happy... but I also recognize this feeling, this energy... this time of needing "more" from my romantic relationship. I guess actually needing someone to turn to, to lean on, to feel like they can hold me in their arms and make it all okay, at least for 5 minutes. It's something I've never had and, from the looks of things, never will.
The Husband told me last night that he has finally accepted this is who he is and he isn't going to change. I'm not angry about that. That's great. I guess I just feel I have this lingering question in the pit of my stomach that goes something like "Can *I* deal with this for the rest of my life?"
This isn't a pity party. I'm not feeling particuarlly upset or sad or stressed about it. It feels like a familiar place. When I need more, more isn't there. It's a place, this cycle, of acceptance and that's the scary party. It is scary because with each instance of needing "more" I've become more and more complacent about it. I've recognized the cycle before (just read my blog about coming home from bilateral mastectomies to an empty house, or my last surgery when I begged The Husband to fly to NY and he "couldn't")... and with each aha moment... with each "I've been here before" thought, I feel myself FEELING less and less.
That scares me.
------------------------------------
In first series last night, Dwi Pada didn't hurt at all... for some odd reason.... After backbending I decided to do Kapotasana... why? I don't know but Kiran was teaching and I knew she'd "let" me.. so I did. When she assisted she got my right arm on my heel and there was no internal drama... like I didn't freak out... but I couldn't figure out how to rotate my left shoulder at the same time and so the right one came off. The comfort zone is there... when you can do it once, you can do it again.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:05 PM | Comments (10)
May 24, 2007
Someone Like Me
Monkey Mind. It's like a building climax that you can't find your way out of. I always find that, after too many days of non-practice, Monkey Mind is 20x worse than it might normally be. While I did get up at 6 yesterday and did Hangover Yoga and I did take my mat to the gym today... fit in Suryas and a couple standing poses before I rolled it up and left... it's not practice.
I need a hot, sweaty practice.
The Husband told me that he'd like to go to PAC first series with me tomorrow night. The Nanny will be here so it's possible. There's such a huge part of me that just wishes the magic and amazing experience of yoga would bite him during one of these rare visits to the mat... It just seems like sharing the experience would be so fulfilling, treading the same waters, sharing in something spiritual (I steer clear of the word religious here although that word may be closer to what I mean than spiritual -- sorta the tradition, the discipline, the honor).
It's not that I think a person can be in that space when they don't practice yoga. In fact, I know a few people who most certainly are. I do, however, believe that certain people could benefit greatly from yoga... I think The Husband is one of them. Over the years I've had to own up to believing he might "change" with the addition of a yoga practice... that's a tough nut to swallow. I shouldn't want, expect or even think of another person changing into something I want them to be more like. It's a tough attachment to let go of.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:11 PM | Comments (4)
Tagged
Tim tagged me so here goes:
1. I was born 9-14 at 9:14am ... somehow this has always seemed like some special and notable thing but I'm not sure why.
2. My Best Friend has been my best friend since we were 15. We've never dated but he had a bet with our other college roommate that he could sleep with every girl I brought over. He succeeded but I had no clue until the very last one. I found out on the back of his motorcycle when, for some stupid ass reason, he told me. I got so angry because I now understood why all these girls would befriend me.
3. I don't know how to do anything with my hair (or anyone else's) despite having long hair. So everyday I put it up in a bun or ponytail and tell myself that one day I'll figure out how to do some cool funky hairstyle that makes me look like the free spirit I really am.
4. I consistently wonder why people tell me I'm smart. I don't feel smart. I don't think I say anything smart... I'm always waiting for the people at work to figure out I'm full of shit. At the same time, I'm really good at manipulation... so I often wonder if I get the two confused.
5. I used to smoke pot and race BMWs with the Japanese Yakuza. Only at the time I didn't know they were Yakuza... until they threw a bag of drugs at me and told me to get rid of them before the cops came. Good times ;)
6. I dream of traveling the world, spending months in one place and then the next.
7. Sometimes, if I want to eat something bad for me, I'll eat it and hide the wrapper.
8. I have considered about 8 things to stick in this last one... but the Internet Filter has prevented me from owning any of them publically.
*****
The rules - 1: Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves. 2: People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules. 3: At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names. 4: Don't forget to leave them a comment and tell them they're tagged, and to read your blog.
TAG you're it:
Tiff
CIODude
The Best Friend
Petite Yogini
Kathy
OKRGR
Chattering Mind
Meagan
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:36 PM | Comments (21)
Hint Of A Spark
I got up yesterday morning (Thursday) and went to practice at the health club. A led "Ashtanga Vinyasa" class (whatever that means). The class was good. Held standing poses so long that we only had time for like 4 seated postures and some backbends. My back felt good so I stood up and did some dropbacks. I also got asked if I could do that (stand up) without turning my feet out.
It was immediately after I got the MRI results :(
I then spent the entire morning on the phone before I threw a bunch of shit in a bag, drove to the airport only to find the lot full and some wierd overflow parking place I had never seen before as the only option. I ended up upgrading to first class. On Alaska this is only $50 and given that I had eaten not one single thing all day, was exhausted and stressed I figured what the hell. It was nice.
When I landed in Seattle this guy from CompanyX came to pick me up. At first I was a little nervous about this... I had spoken with him via IM and phone but that's different than first person. A fascinating individual... grew up what I can only consider extremely crunchy granola, did yoga, knows what a chakra is, etc. In the end, it was like meeting up with an old friend for coffee.
We bought a couple bottles of wine (Darioush and Plump Jack Estate) and headed for FI's boat. There was a sailboat race going on on Lake Union (I think I got the right lake) that we were going to watch. The weather was incredible. Tank top, on the water, an amazing cab, bag pipes playing in the backround (from some park) and like 100 sailboats floating around us. Very cool. Halfway through we got up next to the sailboat that won and picked up a business partner of FIs and his girlfriend (a cool boat transfer thing)... They are starting a non-profit that is really cool and as soon as the website is launch I'll send out a link to it. I appreciate that not only is FI into building a cool company but also creating a charitable company and giving back to the earth.
After the sun set, we docked the boat and had a ton of sushi, more wine, lots of people... and then drove the boat back through the dark overlooking the Seattle skyline. It was one of the coolest things I've done in a long time.
The only little problem was that we drank... and we drank a lot. We also stayed up very late... and, as it is, I never sleep in 'strange' places .... last I looked at the clock it was 4am. I had a meeting at 9am, in person, with a brain in place. I dozed off and then was up again at 5:45. I got up, padded into the living room, found an empty spot of hardwood floor and in memoriam of Jake's hardwood practice the other day practiced on the floor. Not surprisingly, with no sleep, my body was open but at periods I thought I might puke and I was afraid of waking up the rest of the house with my thudding vinyasas. But I practiced... not long, not half a practice but time on the non-mat anyway. I donned ear plugs, put on Deva Premal, threw my body in the tiny corner of the only couch in the house and somehow found myself being woken up at 7:45.
I figured the day was going to be long..and the first part was... brain engaged, development hat on... I had 1/2 cup of coffee... some green tea... forgot to eat.. and then I had the "interview" (only I'm not sure who was interviewing whom).
Without elaborate details, I really like the people in the company, the vision, the goal, the legal vertical domination theory (all theirs, I didn't bring it to the table)... but I'm paralyzed with fear and indecisiveness.
I spent the afternoon filtering in and out of sleep before FI picked me up, fed me (yet more) sushi and put me on a plane.
This is when something like fate appeared to take over. I upgraded to first class again. I don't really know why other than I was tired and I knew I could write it off (if and when I ever get paid). The seat next to me was empty until right before the flight took off. To make a long story short(er), the gentleman next to me ended up being an attorney. Without giving him my background or details I asked him what his number one business issue was (technology related). He literally, nearly word for word, described the business problem FI's company proposes to solve in collaboration with another product and which would be the basis of "my piece of the pie (i.e., legal vertical)". For 2 hours we talked about it, the pros and cons, old law firms vs. cutting edge technology, big firms and small firms, scenarios. He walked away saying he'd sign a contract for it today if I had one.
Encouraging and sorta wierd... fatalistic.
It's midnight... but my brain won't disengage even after only an hour of sleep last night. So instead I sit here listening to the iPod, writing my blog... thinking of cell phones and SharePoint and my cute dog who came to greet me at the door...
On the iPod:
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:05 AM | Comments (3)
May 22, 2007
M Fer
The doctor left a voice mail for me at 2:30pm yesterday. The MRI was at 12:30 so I found this interesting since they told me it would take 4-5 days. I knew it was either good or bad news.
The doctor called me a bit ago. She started off by saying that all my ligaments are in tact... but....
Apparently I have a cyst behind my knee cap which is pushing up against my ACL. Apparently I also have a globular mass of some type somewhere by my meniscus. Then she uttered the word surgery. Apparently the recommendation is to remove the cyst via surgery. I guess there is danger of it growing bigger and bigger and subsequently injuring the ACL. Apparently this other mass is also not a good thing.
So now I have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon :( We have to discuss this at length. She basically told me that I could probably go through life without the surgery but that putting my leg behind my head will not happen for me until the cyst is removed and, if I do accomplish that, I risk a serious injury to my ACL if it were to burst.
*sigh*
After everything I've been through, WHY do I have to deal with this. At least with a torn ligament I could accept an injury but I almost feel like my body is some big cyst manufacturer... *sob*
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:39 PM | Comments (11)
May 21, 2007
Party Week
With homage to Tiff I have officially dubbed this week The Party Week. It isn't a Sunday-Sunday type of week. As most Ashtangis know, you, at times, base your week, your period of 5 or 7 days on the days between practice. It's not that it happens often but you hate that it happens at all.
I had the MRI today. It was a bit wierd but not so bad... just like meditating while some big loud machine went off. Although I swear I could feel the magnetic stuff. Oddly, my doctor called this afternoon while I was gone. She called an hour or so after the test. They told me it would take 4 days so I'm thinking that means one of two things: A) Everything is great, totally normal or B) I tore something.
During the MRI, I chanted in my mind Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Hare Ram Hare Ram Rama Rama Rama... It was very meditative.
I don't know what I was thinking when I thought I could make Mysore and take a 12:27pm flight to Seattle tomorrow. There's no way. So, I've decided I'll just see what tomorrow brings... Either I find a way to practice here in the morning, see if I can practice there tomorrow night or just bag another two days of practice and call it even.
--------------------
In other amazing news, I've had two more offers for contract work today. It is hard to believe I ever wondered if I could "get" any... I can't take anymore. And, for the most part, half of it has been "fluke" of sorts. I am beyond confused but have decided to take a critical mass approach. This means riding it out until the right thing settles in the gut.
Ride it out.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:55 PM | Comments (2)
D-Day
Went camping this weekend with The Son. Aside from a lack of sleep in the tent, it was lovely. I turned all electronic equipment off, spent two hours in a chair under a big huge oak tree reading the rest of my book while the kids were swimming in a pool, hiked up a mountain at dawn on Sunday with The Daughter... I didn't manage to practice though... not since Friday as The Daughter had a muscial performance this morning and I have an MRI in a half hour to see if my knee is truly messed up or not.
Tomorrow: A quick practice at 9am, a quick shower (Tiff can I borrow yours?), flight to Seattle (sadly not bringing the yoga mat as I won't have time to practice Wednesday morning)....
Someone dangled a really interesting carrot before me yesterday with regard to work, ashtanga and Mysore.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:24 PM | Comments (1)
May 18, 2007
Dropped
Today has been one of those sort of wild ride days. Like there is a certain energy and you are familiar with it.... the energy rocks but you also know that whenever you feel this certain level of energy, you completely lose it and find yourself as far from yourself as possible.
That's why I ended my day with yoga. First series. It was nice and strongy and perfect. Nope, no big to-dos or glaring blogworthy text examples, just my practice. I was at the gym so with a teacher I haven't practiced with in years probably and she always just reminds me there's some other way to think about the bones in the body and how they help us do the poses. I also got dropped on my head in dropbacks. It was great. It was totally my fault. I got confused because I was thinking and I gave up and just fell back. I almost brought my teacher down with me. We tried it again and it worked much better the second time. Tonight in the middle of doing Janu Shirasana, we somehow got on the subject of whether there are more than just 3 of them. Dear readers, are there?
Earlier I went to the doctor for my knee. Apparently the primary care doctor that my HMO requires me to see ordered the type of ultrasound they they perform to discover a clot in the leg. Not quite the same as looking for a cyst behind the knee. It was one of the wierder doctor's appointments I've ever had. Not bad.. just this very trickle of something stranger lingering. I'm still not sure what to make of it. While there she told me that I'm double jointed like everywhere. She had me do some tests like touch my thumb to my wrist and flex my arms... My arm is completely not straight... She told me this leaves me at high risk for osteoperosis. I figure this is why I need to do more yoga. Maybe if the house is built more solid, the mind can become more solid.
My MRI is scheduled for Monday. When I asked about the nose ring that I haven't been able to get out for the past two years, they told me the MRI room could melt the thing to my body. This is a sobering thought on many, many levels. When I came home, I messed with the thing til my nose hurt but I finally got it out and to put one of the big huge things back in so I could be sure I could get it out Monday. Melt into my body! Holy Moly!
Someone told me today that they couldn't blog personally because it made them feel too exposed... to fearful. I found this really interesting. Blogging is such a wierd thing really. It's for egotistical and at the same time very humbling. It's a nice way to keep your path in check though. I wonder if someone read my blog from the very beginning to the end they would know anything about me.
Oh and lest I forget about work.. WOW... I am just blown away by the number of opportunities that keep landing their way on my doorstep. As wonderful, I am maxed out. My head is spinning and I really have no idea what the best choice is. I'm nearly immoblized at this point (seriously). I am going camping with The Son this weekend and I've promised myself to sit still in the trees without anything resembling a piece of technology and think. I'm not sure it will help but I'm barely treading water at this point.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:28 PM | Comments (7)
May 17, 2007
10 Minutes
In honor of the 10 minutes I have before I can start my Mysore practice at the club (and the exact 1.5 hours I have to practice before a 2pm meeting that I cannot be late for and must shower, put on suit for).... the keyword analysis from statcounter post (unfortunately, there aren't that many exciting ones this time around):
facing inward That's Me!
virgo Yep, we're all about perfectionism
vasistasana You'd better ask someone else about that one
kapotasana See Above
yogi toes I never use mine anymore
www.recleanse.com It is still sitting in my pantry, unopened
skin stretching it hurts... don't do it unless you have to
ashtangi net this is me too
surya namaskara c I'm not a big fan
i was told my son's murmur was innocent but he's being referred to a pediatric cardiologist :(
laproxdoc yep, he's around here sometimes
phone sex operator ez board hahaha
in a new york moment I've had a few of those
overeaters anonymous blog I get hits with this search a lot, I'm not sure why
pre-school yearbooks Insanity! I promise you won't know those people in 2 years, save your money
son's hanging tooth happens
sanskrit abhaya fearless
flip flops for posture & helping with cellulite Flip Flops help cellulite????
a lady; a woman not always one in the same
kapotasana pregnant modification shudder
stencils of fairys I have a ton of them
mom's taxi see below
kiran legs aka mom's taxi
can you do yoga after having a tattoo? man, I hope so
leg bruise easily surgery mine just bruise easily
aruyvedic treatment for ligament tear did you find one?
cocao butter mhmmm... chocolate
hair chopping pictures I still need to do this
yoga for migraine try it
viranchyasana a no clue
fat drunk moms I get this hit ALL the time in one form or another, I had no idea drunk moms were so appealing
heaters for yoga room an absolute necessity
where to buy manduka mat manduka.com but I heard they were on backorder
parenting patience takes a mountain of it
matte yerba belgium do you think they'll start making belgian chocolates with it?
modified sun salutation weak wrist modification: practice, practice, practice
yoga handstand for h who's h?
yoga hormonal imbalance can't hurt, might help
after my boob op photos they aren't pretty, I have almost a year's worth
vossi water yum..my favorite
ballet pictures none here
yoga breast chest lots of us have a chest and do yoga
anthony prem carlisi he's a teacher
elementary-level thought of the day I have a ton of those
kapotasana pain you said it!
why be the bigger person? because it's the right thing to do
feeling sick after a tattoo eat some sugar
backbends picture love those
soy hormone imbalance stop the soy!
yoga teacher frustrated practice more
b12 shots in waldorf lots of vegans there!
shakespeare baby quote there was a star danced A star danced and under that I was born. This is painted on my daughter's wall and was the quote from her birth announcement
viranchyasana a, b I'll have to look up these poses someday
backbending. nude that can't be too pretty
intellect, knowledge, freedom from delusion, patience truth, self-restraint, tranquility, pleasure, pain, birth, death, fear and fearlessness -- I love my tattoo
rumi tattoo ooo which one?
urdhva eka pada sirsasana – lifted one legged head pose fun!
beluga lentil recipe belugas are the best lentil ever
birthday curse geez, who knew
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:36 PM | Comments (3)
May 16, 2007
The Scream Heard Around The World
I completely messed up my schedule today. I forgot that The Nanny was off today and thank God for a moonday so I didn't have to figure out how to fit in a practice... I spent most of the day running from one thing to the next, this conference call, that conference call, get the kids, interact with the kids, work... deal with a bug in software (why am I always finding bugs)...
The kids were in rare form today. Literally their ears were plugged and they were wild. By 7pm I sent them to their rooms and told them I was feeling anger and we all needed a break.
In my previous post I indicated the job offer was for almost what I make without bonus. What I meant to say is that for a full-time role, I'd get a 22k raise... on a modified schedule (which I asked for) I would make near what I was making in salary for my full-time role last month. When I talked to The Husband about it, he immediately said "Take it, we need the money." This morning he came to me and told me that he would support me in taking it but that he was hesitant. The job requires me to be in an office on a part-time basis. By part-time I mean that I could go to practice, show up around 10am, stay til 3 and come home..but I still have to be up in Carlsbad every day or, at the very least, 4 days a week. This would be a huge issue for us and neither of us know if, all things considered, it's doable.
I'm working on a big contract job now though the pay for it is moderate. I am also being asked to do contract work right and left... for my old company (though they can't come up with a contract and I'm quickly losing patience for them), for my old law firm, for another law firm and then today I got hooked up with another consultancy that seems cutting edge and cool and will do contract work. It's all moving very fast and I'm not sure which way to go. I think I need more practice or something... something to make the mind still and the instinct to surface.
Tomorrow I have the ultrasound on my knee. I have debated canceling it. Afterall, I can do most poses now but I still can't do Dwi Pada without pain so I think I'll go through with it even though I know the ultrasound is stupid. If I've injured myself, it won't show up with an ultrasound. In committing to it, I will likely have to give up practice tomorrow... :(
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:19 PM | Comments (3)
May 15, 2007
The Straw Man
Man, I was really hoping practice today wouldn't be like yesterday. It wasn't. Today was one of those "just was." Sometimes, just sometimes, you have those "Damn, everything just worked together" days but not all the time... not most of the time. Most of the time it is just your regular practice (and, of course, the days when nothing works together).
I keep forgetting how helpful it is to NOT put my hair into a big bun for practice. You simply can't do Supta Kurmasana with that hairstyle... yet, I still forget.
Kapotasana Attempt 1: lean backwards, hands on backs of thighs, see ground, come back up
Kapotasana Attempt 2: drop back, lose it halfway, collapose onto hands, fortunately you save your head. Find your big toes, forget there is any other part of your foot.
Kapotasana Attempt 3: drop back with assistance, assistant keeps your hips vertical, you can't find ground, you give up after a few huffs ( no puffs )
Kapotasana Attempt 4: drop back with less assistance, assistant puts your hand on your heel.... you have now tasted the heel grab .... lose heel grab, come up and get cramp in your left calf.
Kapotasana Attempt 5: Tell the assistant that, yes, you are doing it again and you want help. Assistant tries to explain the shoulder movement of the arm once it grabs the heel. Any connection you had with your body now leaves as you stare at him with no comprehension and have no idea what it is you are supposed to be doing.
Kapotasana Attempt 6: Begin in prayer position, recite "Ain't Nothing But A Thang Chicken Wang" ... rinse and repeat said mantra... Feel hand on heel, feel assistant help with shoulder rotation, have complete freak out attack.
Post Kapotasana: See Stars
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My teacher said the absolute funniest thing he has ever said to me today. It was hysterical.
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I am officially hooked on Club Soda. I don't know why they call it club soda but I really enjoy drinking it. The ingredients are:
Filtered Carbonated Water
Sodium Bicarbonate
Sodium Chloride
Potassium Sulfate
If I'm not mistaken, all of these last 3 ingredients are salt. I could be very, very wrong.
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Work: Geez, I got a really nice offer today... 30 hours per week, salary *almost* what I was making full-time without bonuses before. That's enticing. The lure of money... is it worth it, is it a fine enough balance between work and home even at 30 hours? Can it be 30 hours?
I have no gut instinct. This is the first time in my life I am seriously without a shred of instinct. I keep thinking if I wait long enough it will come.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:32 PM | Comments (3)
May 14, 2007
Too Many Doors
I didn't do much today. I have no real work to do (which also means I'm not getting paid) but there are open doors everywhere. In the span of today I've had discussions about the following:
A. Conference call concerning the contract work I am doing in Redmond
B. Call with law firm regarding a potential SharePoint Extranet project
C. Call with another law firm regarding a document assembly project and contract mentoring of internal developers against the Office platform
D. Contact from MSFT regarding a potentially "perfect" contract for me (though I never did get the client name or specifics)
E. A ping from my old boss from 4 years ago asking me if I was available to make modifications to an application I wrote way back when (this one really threw me for a loop)
I finally got the application signed for my EIN and hopefully that won't take forever to file... I can't get paid until I have that number. My old company is sorta taking the difficult road to contract work. My lawyer has instructed me not to sign their contract and instead gave me one with some modifications. We'll see how that plays out. I'm pretty close to just bagging the whole thing, it just makes no sense to struggle this hard when there is so much consulting work out there.
The Daughter had a gymnastics recital this afternoon. It was not her normal gymnastics studio, she's been taking this gymnastics enrichment program at school. It's a "play" class for her since she's been doing gymnastics so long and she was clearly in top form for the recital. She was doing some pretty tricky things like handstands to backbends and to standing, forward handsprings... her backbends looked absolutely amazing... Tiffany-like. After her class the teacher told me they call her "Super Super Star Seren" (the class is called Super Star Gymnastics).
The Son, as you all know, isn't as into sports. For the record, we don't really address why we feel he needs sports other than he needs physical exercise in his life. We'll see what happens. We talked today about maybe swimming. He's trying out fencing (coincidentally) in a summer camp this year and he just started Karate.
Which brings me to the next open door.....
Tonight when I was picking up The Daughter from Karate, her instructor came up to talk to me. I was telling him how different Yoga for Kids was the other day when I included karate into it... he told me that they were attempting to start a yoga program but the girl who was teaching isn't going to do it anymore and he asked me if I would a) give a demonstration to the parents/students of the karate class and b) teach yoga at his studio. He told me he would love to have both an adult and a child program... teaching adults mostly in the morning hours and children after preschool hours and later if the schedule facilitated it.
The Husband wasn't immediately receptive... but it would be a very cool thing. I just don't know... I love teaching my kids but I do it out of pleasure and desire to be involved... I wonder how to develop an actual program and, if I did that, could I eventually take it out into the world, maybe as an after school enrichment like the gymnastics class and make a living off of it (yes, I realize it will never pay what I make now but... it doesn't have to).
My problem seems to be there are too many doors to choose from.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:38 PM | Comments (5)
May 13, 2007
Freakin' Cool
Last night we had a double date night with The Best Friend and his lovely, lovely wife, Chi. I think it may be the first sans child date we've ever been on. The Husband and I decided to go down to our favorite wine bar in Hillcrest, ordered a flight and a plate of artisan cheeses while waiting for TBF and Chi to arrive. When The Husband parked the car, he told me had a Mother's Day present for me and wanted to give it to me so I could wear it. I was surprised because I told him the purse I bought for myself last month was my Mother's Day present. He gave me a lovely ring. It has taken me awhile to wrap my mind around the ring. It wasn't what I was expecting but it is cool and funky and chunky and The Husband loves it and picked it out just for me... and, for that reason alone, it is simply perfect.
They picked us up on the street outside, we lapped a block or two and drove over to the Museum of Man for a night of "world culture." I have to admit it was really freaking cool. Essentially the Museum of Man opened up its doors, a few bars, a live band or two and some REALLY cool dancing. Coincidentally, Chi's sister was doing a samba, mambo tango? I don't know what the actual dance was but it was one of the coolest things I've seen in a long time. The music was fast and furious, traditional, the dancers were beautiful... then came Capoeria... WOW. I could never get tired watching that. It is an amazing mixture of martial arts and dance. The men are fantastically attractive (blush) and the women are ripped - strong and agile... beautiful together. Towards the end of the dance Chi's friend and sister brought her out into the middle of the floor and she danced with them (more on this later).
We walked around the museum, watched some of the music. We ran into a guy from the studio. He walked by us and sorta stared, we stared too. Isn't it funny how when you see someone out of context you can't place them. Well maybe that and when you see a fellow practitioner in clothes and non-sweaty it is a bit disconcerting. Anyway, it was a funky event, very artsy so I think he may have been somewhat surprised to see us there. Later I caught glimpse of one of my first ashtanga teachers from across the room. I had a couple glasses of wine and decided early on I was skipping practice today. I didn't want to worry about getting to bed or drinking too much... it has been so long since The Husband and I went out and did anything funky of the sort so I just wanted to enjoy myself.
I felt really close to The Husband, we moved to the music, we kissed and laughed and held hands and were out together...not just dinner and the bookstore but doing something interesting and sharing the experience. We had a great time.
On the way home we talked about Chi and how amazing she is. We talked about her in the context of how incredibly talented and amazing the dancers were... in their skimpy little outfits, shaking their whole bodies, looking tantalizing and sexy. I could never do something like that. I would never have the self-esteem or the brazen confidence in my sexuality to do something like that. Chi comes from such a "WHOLE" house... her family is so strong and solid and intact. It's an amazing thing that neither The Husband nor I can relate to. We talked about how, coming from a family like that, she has such a strong sense of herself, her family's love for her, such a solid base she knows she can do anything. It must be an amazing feeling. We also talked about how TBF also comes from a strong family... how we wonder if people attract people with similar histories... how The Husband and I both come from dysfunctional childhoods.
I woke up this morning to Mother's Day presents made by the kids, breakfast in bed and sleep. I slept, read, slept some more. We are having my family over for dinner tonight. Happy Mother's Day to all you moms!!!
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Oh and about the sports thing. Don hit it on the head... it is an issue of socialization and learning to be part of a team that concerns me. Before we had children The Husband and I always said we would "require" a team sport of some sort in order to build those interpersonal skills. We've seen similar situations that Don describes many times. The Daughter thrives in these groups but The Son is that same scrawny, always the most challenged kid on the team even at the recreational level. I am becoming concerned that perhaps his lack of physical skill will actually be an issue with self-esteem rather than the team sports promoting socialization, etc. We have tried basketball, soccer, baseball... He doesn't want to try football, lacrosse, ice hocky... We have just put him into Karate and hope that will help build some body awareness and physical coordination. Karate classes include other kids but it is really not a team-building exercise. This parenting thing is hard ;)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:04 PM | Comments (9)
May 12, 2007
Next Challenge Question
For all of you parents....
When you have a child who isn't necessarily sports oriented... do you continue to push the team sports... as they child gets older and the team sports become actually competitive... do you continue to push them to do these team sports? Do you force them even?
More on why later, but interested in theories on team sports for children.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:22 PM | Comments (13)
The Coup Of The Few
I just found the chicken pox. At first I was really excited until I realized it is really bad timing for everyone in our family to spend a week or two with the chicken pox. On the other hand, it is really hard to find the chicken pox and so I should probably do it regardless. The Son is not getting any younger and it would be best if he got them in the next year else I have to think about getting him vaccinated for it.
About 5 years ago I belonged to an online blog community for parents. Mostly the parents were all involved with the same "community" of parents who believed in homebirthing, extended breastfeeding, alternative healthcare, homeschooling, etc. Within the group there were all types of individuals. Some of the moms were very egotistic about unassisted birthing and felt anyone who chose otherwise was simply a moron or, at the very least, completely uneducated. Some moms were really horrendous towards any woman who for whatever reason chose to bottlefeed. Some moms were anti-institutionalized learning and became vocally aggressive whenever anyone talked about the merits of public or private learning institutions. There used to be a "webring" for that group. When some of the stronger personalities felt that their feelings and viewpoints weren't being represented as a whole, they split off and made their own webring. It became sort of a "who's side of the fence do you live on."
It was really horrible. I watched as friendships disintegrated. Rumors were spread. People insulted and otherwise flared the horns of blog war from one blog to another. One person eventually had to remove her blog because someone figured out who she was, where she lived and called CPS on her. They called CPS because one time on her blog she discussed being at her wits end and spanking her child. You are wondering how CPS could acknowledge and investigate based on an anonymous tip about spanking a child when, last I checked, spanking wasn't illegal. Things can get blown oddly out of proportion on this vast ether of the Internet... it happened, I was witness and the poor woman had to live in a certain degree of fear (much like homebirthing, legal as it may be, the risk is always there that the establishment will find you guilty of child endangerment or abuse).
Eventually, after a year or two, the entire community crumbled. Bits and pieces still remain. I could point out a few blogs that were once tied in the link of the webring. I had dinner a couple weeks ago with two of the women from that original community. I even have a few commenters that will distinctly remember all of this from "back in the day."
This brings me to my thoughts of the last two days. I am about done with Ashtangi.NET as the administrator. It continues to be a ridiculous and time consuming foray into the absurd. The bottom line is if you don't like the community, if you don't like the people who are part of the community, if you have the extra time to spend creating ridiculous commentaries or "satire" on the state of ashtanga yoga blogging, then create your own. I am just tired. I'm tired of trying to create a community and have it shit on by the few. The only thing holding me back is the very real community and the very real benefit I personally have gotten from this community. I've had the love and light of some amazing people across the world during the worst possible time in my life. Practitioners I barely knew have held my hand, encouraged me, given me the most of the love in their heart... the keys to their home (litearlly). I've met and been introduced to some amazing people. I've received just as much as I've given if not ten times more.
It is easy to think "well ignore them." It is easy to try and be the bigger person. It is easy to become null and immune to the ridiculousness of it all... but any thinking, feeling person... especially, I guess I thought, those of us who practice yoga off the mat, won't have such an easy time.
The one thing I learned from the valuable time I spent as part of that community of parents was "If you don't have anything nice to say, why say it?" If you feel a rush of energy when you put your foot in the stirrup and find your ass in the saddle, find that somewhere else. If you feel a sense of righteousnes at the first neigh, when you find yourself laughing at the humor of it all, you've missed the valuable lesson of speaking with grace, with dignity and, moreover, with compassion.
It leads me back to the issue of blogs, which blogs to add, which links to post, how to moderate a community when not everyone in the community sees eye to eye, has compassion in their heart, etc. So I think, the best scenario is to remove myself as the be all and end all of administration. Which leaves me with two choices:
A: I ask someone else to take over, hand over the keys and wash my hands of the entire thing. There are issues involved with this. Namely money and the fact that I have other things sitting on the same webserver/domain as the main website.
B: Create a committee for approving and adding blogs and links to the website. Of course, this involves selecting a committee and then hearing the backlash for being one way or the other with said selection (ridiculous I know).
C: Create a voting mechanism and allow all members blog owners the ability to vote yes or no on newly requested blog links. Seems big brotherish to me but perhaps the easiest and most simple solution. I hate to "disallow" anyone, I've been in that position before and feelings are easily hurt...
or
D: I leave everything as is and simply ignore all emails, posts and other ridiculousness that goes on... even when it lands on the front page.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:26 PM | Comments (13)
May 11, 2007
Breathe!
I stepped onto my mat today intending only to do first series. I felt lazy, tired and stiff. OKRGR was next to me, already halfway through practice when I started. When he finished first, he gave me his arm and told me to twist. I said "what?" he said "twist it." So, I quite literally twisted his arm. As he set up for Pasasana someone (maybe Andrew) asked me what he had me do I said "I have no idea what he was trying to get me to do." OKRGR laughs, I was TWISTING HIS ARM. It took a good 2 poses for me to get this one. An example of how mentally checked out I normally am during practice.
In the middle of seated I decided to ask my teacher about the blocks for jumping back. I explained that I had watched everyone in Seattle doing this and wondered if it would be useful. He told me it "wouldn't hurt." I didn't get blocks. I didn't get blocks because I can't figure out how to use blocks in the practice and not have the practice become about the blocks. If you attempt to jump back with the blocks, your hands are on the blocks for downward dog, then you have to move them... then they are by your knee for a pose, you have to move them, move them back to use them... too much for a checked out brain. About 10 minutes later, the girl across from me was asking our teacher about something when he went and got some blocks for her. As I looked up he said "There are some for you too." I opened my big mouth. So I was given blocks and I attempted to jump back and, you know what, I can't lift my ass off the ground with my feet simulataneously off the ground. I have much more work to do than just using blocks! I tried them twice but due to the aforementioned logistical nightmare, I quickly put them aside.
As I finished first I decided that since OKRGR did it, I should do second too. I was told that I was too flat to croak in Bhekasana... and then asked if I was too stiff for Kapotasana after my first horrendously painful rendition. But I didn't give up... I waited til The Australian was free and asked him to help me. He gave me a tip that seemed to make a difference, he told me to keep my belly flat... back, back, back.. put my left hand on my heel... to which I screwed up my face in absolute mental agony and J on the other side of me said "BREATHE!" (because clearly I'd forgotten that crucial step)... I dropped it off, too scared... he put my right hand on my heel, I thought to breathe... but I was still scared. I don't know that it was painful except that my mind wouldn't let go and I held on just below. When I came up I felt awesome.
I still can't land Bakasana A.
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Today has been the first day I've had no real work to do. I've been puttzing around trying to learn QuickBooks, reading blogs and websites I haven't had time to read in forever. I attended The Daughter's first talent show. Let's just say that it was so funny, The Husband and I were literally crying. She was supposed to be a "backup" dancer. There were 6 girls on stage ... she DID move.. but I wouldn't necessarily call it dancing and no one else moved their bodies.
It's a beautiful Southern California day. Our plan is to grab stuff for sandwiches, open a bottle of wine and sit on our driveway and eat dinner (lest this seem wierd to you, in SoCal, most of us sit on our driveways while the kids play in the *gasp* street since we have no backyards).
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:39 PM | Comments (4)
May 10, 2007
Home
3 days spent shooting shit about architecture and design with a group of talented peers. It is what I wanted originally when I left legal but never panned out. Interesting, confidence building and somewhat overwhelming at the same time. The whole incorporation thing with a federal tax ID, insurance, contracts, etc. is becoming a bit over the top but I hope it is all worth it in the end.
The flight home was interesting... as you may well know by now I hate to fly. Fortunately I had some nice people next to me. The gentleman at the end, when I thanked them for talking to me throughout the flight, said "Well you did most of the talking." Uh, yea... mhmm...
I got up for practice yesterday at David's. I was interested in the Kapotasana adjustment again. Though I had little sleep, food too late and too many glasses of wine, I managed to make it there and do my practice. A little less oomph... Supta Kurmasana is the best adjustment David has. He just does it different than we do it here. No knee issues, calf behind my head with ease and no pain... Kapotasana I bailed out on... just didn't have the reserve. Actually I think I just had too much fear of feeling my heel again. No doubt David could have gotten me to it.
No practice today... taught Yoga for Kids instead. They were unruly and completely disinterested so I made it hard. We did Bakasana. Amazingly five of the kids actually did it. One little girl was so amazing I could barely believe it. We did tithibasana... I had them do Mari E (easier than the other Maris) and we talked about who Marichi was.
I'm so tired I can barely stand up.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:24 PM | Comments (0)
May 9, 2007
Where Did That Come From
I never sleep well in hotels and last night was no exception. The temperature isn't right, the air is dry, there's a lot of noise... I end up waking frequently and dreaming of turning off the alarm and forgetting the practice. I got up though. Surprisingly. Drove into the city while it was still chilly... into the warmth of AYS. I noticed immediately that my body was loose. The first sun salutation which is usually a bit stiff was nice and open and felt amazing... like I had already been through practice and was at the end.
It is always a bit strange to be in a different studio though. I didn't jump through today because my legs are so long and mat space was tight... First series flew by... Most interesting today was Supta Kurmasana. It's been quite awhile since I've had Supta K back. For awhile after my surgery I couldn't get my hands clasped on my own... and, of course, after the knee pop I couldn't cross my feet after hand binding from the ground. I got all that back awhile back though it always felt better to do Supta K from Dwi Pada. Today, however, I was in Kurmasana and David straightened my back. I made mental note that I've never had someone do that before, usually the adjustment is from Kurmasana into Supta K instead of an adjustment in Kurmasana. It felt really nice. When I clasped my hands, David pulled my leg over my head... only it was so, well, nothing. My calf was all the way behind my head, my head was down, my legs were easily, so easily and effortlessly, behind my head. He pulled the other one back and did that adjustment where he puts his leg between my feet and I gross using his leg for leverage (I think, what it feels like anyway). It was really delicious because even with Dwi Pada I've never been that far into Supta Kurmasana since before my very first surgery. I admit when I came out my knee felt a bit stiff or sore but it went away quickly.
With everything really open and happy I was happy to have time for second. David's adjustment in Bhekasana is much different than what I'm used to... all about the legs and not the upper body. I really rely on that upper body adjustment to prep my back for Kapotasana. I probably shouldn't do that. I did Kapotasana once on my own and then asked David for help. I normally wouldn't ask for help in a foreign studio but I was really interested in how he might help me. I don't quite know how he helped me to be honest... it was somewhat upper back I think. My left hand went right to my heel (interesting since the other times I was able to get heel it was my right hand) but I couldn't get the right hand up that far and keep it. After I was down, he really pushed into my upper back which made a huge difference in the drama of the pose for me. It was really nice.
I was so high when I was done. I felt like the world was my oyster and the day ahead of me could only be filled with good things.
It was really filled with requirements analysis and a very cool experience of being part of a team. Normally I have to come up with architecture and design in a vacuum and hope that I'm as smart as I think, or, as everyone else thinks. It was a nice change to have a group of smart people who are all invested into the same platform as I am to shoot ideas around with and work out design ideas. Something I've never been able to do before.
The list of company names got very long. We had a couple that I really loved. We used the kid's initials in combination but both were taken as a business and URL and basically all variations of it. We then used their middle names. The URL was great but the business name was too long to really use. We then narrowed it down to a few others but, again, couldn't get either the URL or the business name. In the end, I think it will end up Asana Solutions. It was literally one of the only easy to pronounce names that was available both as a business name and URL. We have to check with the state and the county and all of that. We actually had a list that included a lot of your suggestions but there were issues with nearly all. You'd be surprised at how many URLs are taken even if they are not parked, how many business names are registered or just DBA names. Who knew it could be that hard to name a company. I'll let you know what it turns out, you have to submit 3 options and see which one comes up.
I have so much work to pick from... I need to make sure that I keep it sweet and simple. Sweet and simple. Practice, practice, practice.
I am hoping to make practice in the morning but tonight was the obligatory meeting/dinner/drinks and it is now past 11pm. Of course, if tonight is like last night, I'll be up anyway!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:45 AM | Comments (0)
May 7, 2007
Sizzling Seattle
My flight at 6:30am was interesting.... bumpy... I was squashed between two big guys, B seat... couldn't move... about an hour into the flight there was a medical emergency on board. They asked if there were any medical professionals on board. I think everything turned out okay.
Seattle is beautiful today. Simply beautiful. I spent all day shooting architecture ideas with a group of peers. Amazing! First time in my life I've ever been able to do so. When I went to work for the old company, I thought that is part of what I was signing up for: a team, peers, support... instead I was the Lone Ranger in a way too political arena. Today we spent like 5 hours just talking about ideas to solve the architecture and solution requirements. Unfortunately, this contract gig doesn't pay much. It's a great gig... just not a money making venture. In fact, I may end up on the short end of the financial stick if I do this too long. I plan on having that conversation tomorrow.
Instead of going out to dinner tonight, I opted to pick up dinner at Whole Foods, drink a glass of wine and lay in bed. I was up at 4am this morning so I'm barely coherent. I am hoping that my alarm clock goes off tomorrow morning and I'll get up to go to AYS for practice.
As for the business name... there is a list circulating. The problem is not only does the URL need to be available but the business name also needs to be checked... we are working on it :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:42 PM | Comments (4)
May 6, 2007
Name Challenge
Dear Readers,
The Husband and I have exhausted our creative brains. To incorporate I must come up with a handy dandy corporate name. I have tried every conceivable combination of my name(s) but all are taken. I've tried the usual suspects for company identity that might be unique to my interests: Surya, Lotus, Jewel, etc.
The Husband has picked Asana Solutions. I am not sold.
Ideas appreciated.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:09 PM | Comments (35)
May 5, 2007
I Just Don't Care
Last week I essentially did next to nothing. I did a bit of administrative work for my now old company. Apparently it wasn't old when I thought it was old because they mistakenly didn't terminate me. Friday they called and asked me to stay on as an hourly employee under a W2. From the perspective of an hourly rate, this is slightly silly because I get paid the hourly rate I make today, I don't take have benefits or vacation or whatnot, can't expense work related items and am generally still at the mercy of doing what they want me to do. As an independent contractor, I can charge double, I can write off just about everything I do related to business including my travel (in my car which I can't write off as an employee even when I'm traveling to client sites) and I can say yes or no to the work I am offered. I declined the offer of being a part-time employee. Today I received the contract for being independent. I had to laugh. The second paragraph states that any services I wish to render to a client or company deemed competitive to old company must be approved by old company. In my line of work this is silly, any work I do would be deemed competitive since I really only do one line of work. Heck working for Big Software Company could technically be deemed competitive. It also stated I need to cary 2mil in professional liability insurance and worker's compensation insurance.
First, I'm not entering into an agreement where someone else gets to choose whom I accept work for or do work with. I will not engage clients or prospective clients of my old company but you bet your bottom dollar I'll be doing contract work where and when I want to and with whom I want to. Second, I don't plan on ever taking a job that is worth more than 1mil... in fact, I can't see doing anything work more than a couple hundred thousand IF that... I simply don't WANT to work with those big numbers and I if I become disabled, my husband will support me. Now, I'm not saying I don't need professional liability insurance if I go independent but my immediate goal is actually sub-contract work and I confirmed with my friend's company that their liability insurance covers sub-contractors (unless I was sued personally by a client directly).
I now see no reason to engage in a contract with my old company. If it requires that much overhead on my part, it isn't worth it.
On Friday there was a big political hubaloo. It's not directly my fault but essentially something that happened with a client and a professional peer got back to the peer's management. I was asked about it a couple months ago but refused to "go on record" with the management as I didn't feel it was appropriate and I didn't want my name attached to it. On Tuesday I was in the toy store with my kids when the phone rang, I answered, it was the management... I was blindsided... I had to choose to lie or tell the truth. I told the truth. Shit hit the fan. I hate politics... can't we all just be adults, do a job and get it done?
Fortunately, I spent the rest of the day running errands and getting ready for Tiffany's birthday party. It was fun (although I think I should have only had two glasses of wine as my stomach hurt this morning)! Good company.
I talked with another professional peer I know about an opportunity to work with their company as well. Originally this was the full-time, partly in an office opportunity... I told him I was hesitant to even consider something full-time right now or in the near future...they came back to me and told me they could work out part-time to my liking. Now this particular opportunity is appealing because it is 80% the part of working in this business that I absolutely love. The client interaction, the design and analysis while someone else is doing the actual implementing. You still have to be at the top of your game because should some technology or issue arise you have to be able to solve it but on a regular basis that wouldn't be my main function. It's an interesting consideration.
I leave Monday morning for Redmond. 6:30 flight *YAWN* Tuesday a.m. I should be at David's studio. Four years ago was my very first class with my teacher. Time flies.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:27 PM | Comments (1)
May 2, 2007
Eh, Whatever
I wish today wasn't a moonday. Today I just had to myself. I didn't really do much... bought some wine for Tiff's birthday, installed software on a new computer (lest you think this is a small feat, any technical person knows this is a good 3 day process), did Karate with the kids... I could have taken a solid two hours for practice. Tomorrow I teach kids yoga and have a 4 hour interview in the afternoon so I probably won't find a way to practice.
Though I should hearby declare that I will practice, at home, in my little room, in honor of Jenna who practices home alone all the time. :)
I am so happy about our dog! She's so great. Two days in a row she has played with the dog next door. She's such a great dog... we really lucked into her. Her buzz is even starting to grow on me.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:42 PM | Comments (2)
May 1, 2007
Goal Oriented
I didn't work a single ioata today. Today I'm not billing any time. What a grand thing. My moon decided to do something wierd and it went away. I suppose it will come back but I was grateful for the day of practice.
Practice today was walking out of the room and turning around to see the windows covered with steam. It just was. It was so every day that it almost doesn't necessitate mention. I sorta like that it's like that.
The lady next to me had never done ashtanga yoga before and she came with someone who does second so I offered to let her follow me. I forgot how important concentration is to the practice. Not that I minded, it was just very different.
When I got to Kapotasana no one was around to help. After hemming and hawing for awhile, I finally went back. Ever since grabbing my heels the other day, my back hurts. I heard my teacher talking to the lady next to me the entire time I was breathing "inhale: please go away." "exhale: stop talking and go away" "inhale: only breath two... please go away" "exhale: okay, keep talking" .... by the time I was ready to exit, the conversation was over and I felt a pull at my hands. I freaked, made a joke... huffed and went back again. When I was instructed to put my hands straight I declined. When I came back up after a complete freak out, my teacher says "What you not up for grabbing your heels today?" That's when I realized that he had seen my heel grab the other day. "Oh you saw that?" "Too goal oriented."
Dammit... I am too goal oriented. This yoga... always there to teach us about ourselves.
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No work today but I did have interaction with Big Software Company, Big Client, strangely none with my former company... I feel a tremendous pressure to make money right now. I know The Husband is freaked out about my quitting and the bills we still have to pay from both of our surgeries (but especially mine ... and my shoe fetish of late). I feel it is my responsibility to fix it. At the same time, the lifestyle was completely at issue and would have driven us all to desolution within another few months. I hate such conflict. Tonight I chanted in the kitchen with my eyes closed for about 30 minutes. In moments of consciousness I reiterated "Please let the answer come to me..."
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Tomorrow I have to decide how much I'll be sold for a full-time, partly in-office job. I'm not sure I know how to price that. I don't think I can... but what if it was enough? Am I too stuck in some wierd ideal that the mother should stay home and not the dad? If it was enough, why does it have to be me? Does it have to be me? Being a parent is a never-ending loop in self-guilt and second guessing. It is also the most miraculous experience a person can ever have.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:00 PM | Comments (3)