« February 2007 | Main | April 2007 »
March 31, 2007
Time Sucks
Friday was a silly day at work. A few short years ago, my life was about the next 3 year old playdate or what type of cloth diapers to use (which, if you really want to know, is a combination of mother, earth, vanity friendly company... the ones I liked are no longer made.). Today my life is about a few guys, making it rich, who really don't care who the whores are who get them there. I'd love to say it is interesting but, frankly, I really just don't care.
The money is certainly alluring. It's nice to think that we could finally buy some furniture for the living room which has been empty for 12 years. (12 years ago I didn't even have a child and today I can't imagine what the hell I did with two entire days off, to myself even though I worked full-time. The truth is working and parenting is really, really hard.) But, rankly, the more I think about what rich means, I think it really means having some time.
My new motto is: Stop The Randomization of Time.
----
The Daughter had a softball game this morning. To give you an honest idea of what 6 year old girl's softball is like: During the game one little girl hit the ball, ran to first. When she arrived at first plate, the first basegirl turn to her, and they hugged each other.... they were, of course, good friends. The Son has a baseball game this afternoon. One kid watched another kid get hit by a ball straight in the back. First year of kid-pitch and, well, sometimes the pitches go abit off course. The kid on deck threw up he got so scared. The game was super competitive. What a difference 3 years makes!
----
I've decided if I can start the flaxseed oil cleanse this week it might be good. I received my moon today which means tomorrow will suck, Monday is a moon day and Tuesday I have to fly up to Pleasanton for a client meeting on Wednesday. It probably isn't a good idea to start a cleanse (even a very mild one like this one given all the wine I've ingested lately) while on a business trip though.... but I won't see much of a yoga mat.....
-----
One thing that does suck about an iPod: You can't just switch it to another computer. I'm waiting out the reformat and subsequent transfer of all 5,000 songs since I got this new computer. It's all shiny new graphics and my office even smells like "new computer" (likely the smell of noxious and harmful chemicals but, man, isn't it a great smell?).
----
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:16 PM | Comments (5)
March 29, 2007
I'm An Adult... For Real
Tonight we were invited to birthday party for a friend of ours. A real adult birthday party. Lest you think my typing skills have turned to shit... we have had a half glass of a $400 bottle of wine, a glass of Silver Oak 2001 (or 2...Bonny's Vineyard, can't even buy that anymore), a glass of Frankl Family reserve champagne, a glass of Cakebread Pinot (shake of the finger: only available at the winery)... all in good company. I even convinced The Husband to go to the male bonding poker party tomorrow night.. whether he likes it or not.
I feel so adult when we do shit like this.... I feel so lame when I hear people talking about the investments they make and setting themselves up for life. I have no idea how to invest, how to take our money and do anything meaningful with it.
Practice today was good. Open, loose.... I broke apart right before Kapotasana to help the other guy doing Mysore this afternoon. I got him to his toes in Kapotasana... something apparently he only has done twice before. I understand his problem. I can see where he is not using his muscle. He lets go in his quads. Super strong dude, just doesn't get the connection, let's go EVERYTIME his head leaves the ground. Push push I keep saying... I see the quads go, I see the ability to stand up go... same with Kapotasana. Finally, 7 or 8 backbends in, I pushed on his feet and straightened his knees and said PUSH!!! PUSH INTO YOUR QUADS and he stood up with little help from me and without throwing his body weight forward. Then we got him to his toes in Kapotasana (the long, scenic route to kapotasana that I can't take.. I do or I don't...but "research" too scary... do or die is my motto). It is interesting to help someone who struggles with your same struggles. Easier said than done I guess.
No progress with work today. In fact, I nearly blew up at something administrative this afternoon. Don't tell me to "redo" something when I a) don't get paid to do it in the first place and b) was never told there was a methodology to follow. Screw that.
Technology, can we all turn off the Internet and our cell phones and find something else to do?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:21 PM | Comments (1)
YogaVersary
It could potentially be a new Hallmark Holiday... totally kidding... Yesterday, March 28th, is the year date from my very first Ashtanga Yoga practice. 5 years of practice... 4 major surgeries, 3 career changes and only one injury and I'm still at it. I love this practice. I love the meditative quality and I love the silence... I love the people and the community. I've had setbacks both in practice and in life... disappointments and I've conquered fears. The journey has only just begun and even if I stay at Bakasana A forever that's okay. It's just yoga and just asana and there is so much more.
Why blog about it? Why blog at all? It seems I've been hearing lots of people talk recently about the downside of blogging, why would anyone want to read about anyone else's practice, life, fears and joys? It is human nature and the human condition. We need to understand that we are like other humans and we want to find misery and joy with each other. And you know what, that's okay. In fact, it can be downright cool.
Do I care that a million people might know how stressed and tired I am right now. Nope. I have nothing to hide. What I do have to hide is hidden well already. I mentioned to someone yesterday that I'm actually really shy. People are stunned when they hear this but I'm pretty sure The Best Friend and Strangel (a frequent commenter who has known me since I was 15 years old) would actually agree. Shy may be an inappropriate word for I've always been bold but I've never been one to actually talk to people and I'm very reclusive and an introvert. Blogging over the past 5 years has really helped me to realize I just don't care. I still worry over looking good in my clothes or finding a way to fit into social situations but, in the long run, even when I get into them I still often make an ass out of myself or ostracize myself in some way shape or form... and that's okay too.
I get to go teach my kids here shortly and then hope to make a Mysore class with Kiran where I can embrace the face plant in Bakasana A exit and make every breath a prayer for Guruji.
5 years ain't nothing... it's sorta like learning to sit up... next I need to figure out how to get my hand to my mouth.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:00 AM | Comments (4)
March 27, 2007
Windows Vista - WOW Indeed
I had 3 glasses of wine last night. I might have actually had 4. I don't know why. I'm just seriously stressed out. Reading between the lines, my boss has been laid into about my lack of billable hours. I run around like a chicken with my head cut off... but I don't make the company money from a day to day billable capacity. I've become Sales Girl Extraordinaire. Looks horrible on paper but probably a necessary evil. The people who do both sales and billable, well, those are the people I don't want to be like... they work 15 hour days and, last I looked at them, well, they looked like shit.
No thanks.
I woke up this morning at around 4am. I think the alcohol finally wore off or something. I spent the next two hours fretting and thinking about work and how to work more hours in a day. It was only after I woke up at 7am that I thought "Well, that's stupid, why work MORE hours... let's find a way to work less."
So, here I go, the uncomfortable heaviness of figuring out the next fork in my road. The trees will show up at some point... right now it just looks like a jungle.
I did, however, make it to practice for what will likely be my only studio practice this week. That's part and parcel of the problem. 9am meetings both tomorrow and Friday, leaves no time for practice... and that, quite frankly, sucks.
I got on my mat this morning, everyone was still mingling about from the led class, people talking, mats being changed around... and I just closed my eyes... and I prayed for Guruji... and I started. I didn't feel incredibly light or strong or anything, I just felt a sense of peace and familiarity with my mat. And practice was... as practice was. Okay, until Bakasana (in standing)... I really tried to land it. I didn't chicken out of being face down and I really tried to "push with my heart" --- I did land with both feet back and I *almost* landed into chatarunga but I didn't have the muscle to hold the force coming down and I belly flopped. Oh well.
I had a lovely Kapotasana today. I really thought it was going to suck. My teacher knew I was hemming and hawing, disappeared and then magically, after I dropped back, was over me, pulling my hips up and my hands in before my head hit. I actually felt my heels today... I didnt' get them but my finger tips grazed before I stopped breathing and freaked the hell out.
We'll call it progress.
I got my new computer today. Windows Vista pre-installed. Since I can get software at a discounted rate, I bought the cheap version and decided I would just upgrade to the better version... which I attempted... and even on a brand new computer, the freakin' thing bombed. Fortunately it came with a roll back option and so here I sit on this wide screen monitor, fast little computer with Windows Vista.
I guess WOW is right.
Oh, and V, no chickening out... nope, nope, nope. And Jenna, you strike me as the small wrist tattoo girl for some reason... either that or base of the spine... like a root chakra or something. You are so gloriously uplifting all the time, it seems fitting.
------
May Guruji be blessed in love and light. May all of us ashtangi's feel the bliss of his love and the devotion of this practice... and may we all be bathed in peace.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:03 PM | Comments (0)
March 26, 2007
The Energy of Change
When one makes a decision to effect change, it is electrifying. It is all consuming and disconcerting... and scary.
I may not be making the best decisions... or I may be walking into some deep dark horrid place but, for now, it is just moving with the motion and letting it all be a place of discomfort.
I feel somewhat sad that I'm not having time on the mat. Especially right now. Guruji needs all the love and energy we can send him but I also know that my love and energy isn't lost. It is as just as deeply engaged in the act of union, of yoga, doing what I'm doing.... asana is only one part, one piece.
I am itching for some new ink. V is going to get new ink while here for teacher training so, it's final, I'm getting it at the same time (and, therefore, she cannot back out :>). Jenna, hey, we could make it a threesome ;)
My East Coast Dad is still walking me through life's potholes with the utmost of confidence and uplifting sense. I couldn't ask for a better group of people to be my sounding board... to be my backbone....
I've been having really vivid dreams lately... wierd yoga dreams... what does that mean.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:04 PM | Comments (5)
March 25, 2007
Sunset In San Diego
You'd think I would have taken a picture but my extra time for taking pictures has gone along with my desire to do asana. I'm in a down place right now... I have no time to make sense out of life.
This whole career thing was a pretty good idea. I'm totally 100% glad that I made the change, took the challenge and brought myself to this level.
Now, I'm over it. It just isn't worth it. The Husband and I talked this evening and we both agree something has to give. We took all afternoon and cleaned out the kid's rooms. 6 trash bags full of stuff.
We felt light after.
So we packed up some sandwiches, fruit, cheese and a bottle of wine, put the leash on the dog, winter fleece on and headed to the cliffs at 15th Street for dinner. On the way we talked about change and the inevitable change that is coming. For the past 12 years, if anything, we both always recognize when mass peak has come...
It's a bit of bizarre situation for me. As the wife and mother, I feel a huge responsibility to give up my career, take a step back and be home more with the kids, being more of a wife. The truth of the matter is, I also want to do that. The part of me that believes we are all equal thinks, well, I am on a faster, more in demand position right now, so, shouldn't I tell The Husband to end his career and hang out more at home. I am not sure he wants that though or that he has the type of job that lends itself to something part-time.
We stayed, watching the sunset over the ocean, until it was too cold to enjoy it.
Last night we went to a lovely wedding. It was for two yoga students so it was a merry social occasion. The wedding was lovely. In the course, I was talking with a local teacher who mentioned that Mysore isn't a big fan of blogs. She wondered why people want to read or write about practice. I told her the story of New York, the Caring of Julie by the NYC Ashtanga community, the people I've met who are amazing that I'd otherwise not know... I find blogging invaluable from a community perspective.
I am tinkering with a few ideas. I have been tinkering with them for awhile but they haven't been rooted enough to mention them. I've been toying with going veggie for awhile again. I do this sometimes, if you've been reading my blog long enough you probably recognize it. I get sick of eating meat, convince myself I was perfectly healthy veggie... I stop eating it... and 4-6 months in, I start to feel all the thyroid-ic symptoms again. So I'm tinkering. I'm also thinking I need to start a home practice. No, this isn't some ridiculous ploy to get out of Bakasana (though, it's a tempting enough reason) but it is getting harder and harder to make it all the way to the studio for Mysore practices. We just start too late here in SoCal for people who work. I figure at least until we work this thing out, it's the best thing to do. Now I just have to find the motivation to do it.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:24 PM | Comments (6)
March 22, 2007
Home
Time at the Big Software Make was actually really fascinating. I am not sure that I'm allowed to even say what I was doing... all those Non-Disclosure Agreements and everything... but it was really very cool.
At dinner tonight we had the most wonderful family time. We have been using these little cards that ask questions. We have always done this (we call it the Nandi Bull Bowl -- it is a bowl with Nandi bulls all around it). I usually make up my own questions but when we were at American Girl Place they had some pre-made ones and we've been using those. They are great. Tonight they had us laughing so hard, we were all crying.
I have found that some of the hardest blogging is on the days when one doesn't practice. That's when you have to honestly look at life in order to blog instead of just falling back on blogging about whatever pose you hate right now and whichever one you like. Cinny smelled so bad that I had to take her to give her a bath... so I went to this do-it-yourself dog wash. It was classic. The wife of one of the partners I used to work for was there... I didn't know what to do and Cinny basically was a basket case. She was making the strangest most pathetic whining noises ever that I ended up not even drying her.
She now smells refreshingly like Wet Dog. :(
I was so happy to be home today. I literally didn't work today *GASP* Well I did here and there but not really any deep work. I taught kids yoga and had the best discussion of what a hero is... while we were in hero's pose, of course! I was excited when I asked if anyone could remember one of the things I mentioned that muscles need to grow and one of the kids said "Breath." :) :)
After yoga I caught up on life. I took the dog to the wash, to the dog store to get dog food (poor thing had a hot dog last night... I'm sure she was pretty happy), the grocery store, the dog to school to get the kids, the dry cleaning... I even made dinner. I lemongrass stir fry with cilantro root (instead of leaves, interesting).
I ignored everything.. work, the pile of dirty clothes, the suitcase I haven't unpacked.
Okay, okay... and I opened up one of the bottles of Cakebread Pinot that came in the mail today... I mean, I couldn't resist.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:15 PM | Comments (3)
March 21, 2007
Dedication or Insanity
It rained here in Seattle for two days. Literally all day. In San Diego when it rains, it might rain for an hour or so and then it's over. In Seattle it just rains.... and rains. Yesterday was the first day of our council here at Redmond. My brain just never engaged for some reason. I left the dinner early in order to be in bed early... in order to get up early for practice at AYS. 4:30 a.m. I considered not going but by the time I finished the consideration I was already fully awake.
The people in Seattle have to be either really dedicated or just plain insane when getting up this early to go practice. It was cold, so very cold. When I got to the car, the windshield was completely iced over. I had no idea how to get the ice off. I tried the windshield wipers, I tried spraying water... I couldn't even roll down the passenger windows. I turned on the defroster but clearly that was going to take forever. Finally I found a little spot that I could see through and started driving, hunched over to see through the tiny spot until the defrosting finally took effect.
AYS was already in progress with the early birds when I got there. It was nice and warm. I had a nice practice. My knee wasn't hurting so bad today... until Supta Kurmasana which I basically skipped. One of the things that I have noticed in the past few practices is how much I miss both physically and mentally when I don't get an adjustment in Bhekasana. Physically, an adjustment really helps to open up my back. Mentally it seems to prepare me for backbending. Backbending today... almost non-existent. Laghu Vajrasana almost killed me... my calves. I thought I might never get out of it as my calf completely locked up, searing pain. It never felt good again and so Kapotasana was sorta ho-hum. I did it twice but didn't get any help and decided to just go on. Dropbacks were okay... it was so hot and sweaty in there, much sweatier than in Encinitas, I kept slipping on the bottom. All in all, I still really like the vibe at AYS and David has a very nice presence.
A full day at Big Software Giant today... hopefully a late flight home tonight... it will be good to be home.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:27 AM | Comments (4)
March 19, 2007
DeToxification
Friday we flew up to Oakland, met up with about 12 people from the old law firm job (no one I actually worked directly with while I worked there) and drove up to Calistoga. We met up with a partner (retired) who lives up there now. The drinking began.
And we drank.
It was lovely. Not the drinking... the whole weekend. It was literally one of the best times The Husband and I have had together as a couple. We loved the social interaction. The weather was perfect. The wine tasting was fun. Each day we bought some cheeses and sandwiches and then sat under a tree and drank wine and ate food until we were full and satisfied... then moved on to the next winery.
I didn't bring my camera... The Husband told me it was too big to lug around. I wish I had. The weather was so absolutely perfect that there were some remarkable shots to be had.
We are hoping to plan a trip to San Luis Obisbo wine country for Mid-May. Jenna, it is up to me to plan... therefore it is up to you to help me :)
-----
From Napa I flew to Seattle where the weather is entirely different. Rainy and cold... and I only brought open toed shoes. I met up with JumpsThruSomeday and The Creeky Guy from EZBoard for dinner at a lovely sustainable restaurant where we popped the cork on one of the wines I brought up with me.
I am now officially wined-out.
-----
I woke up this morning at 4:30 am and couldn't go back to sleep. I hemmed and hawed a bit and tried to sleep and ended up getting up at 5, taking my Motrin and getting ready for practice. JumpsThruSomeday and I were meeting at 8Limbs Yoga up here in order to practice since AYS is closed for a moonday today. When I arrived I couldn't figure out the parking situation... I felt like an idiot. Truly they should publish a manual. In the end, it is nifty that you can pay for parking anywhere, stick the tag on your window and it works elsewhere. I like that but I would never have known to even stick it in my window :)
Practice this morning was nice. The room started off hot... my body is in a state of shock due to all the wine and food consumption over the weekend. I was expecting to struggle. I was in Prasarita D when the instructor came over and told me to put my head way way back, past my feet. He told me that I was flexible and that I should attempt to make the pose "more" and work on the apana.
It was an interesting practice in part because it wasn't a practice. The instructor paid us a lot of attention and, while great, it also meant I was stopped a lot. This makes it really hard for me to get into the flow of my practice and really find the practice itself. It becomes more of a performance and physical practice. Sometimes okay... but my next practice needs to be intense because I need to detox in a BAD way.
Supta K sucked today. The instructor really worked my leg and it was too close to uncomfortable pain so I came out of it. :( I really think I need to get an MRI. Something else is going on in there :( :( :( I did get to spend a lot of time on Bakasana today (after I realized I forgot Supta Vajrasana... only discovered that after I saw JumpsThruSomeday doing it). The instructor really spent time with me on it and told me some stuff... we talked a lot about my physical issues. He lost a family member to breast cancer and had sympathy for what I'm going through. It really is a pect issue. He had me do some "testing" of plank to chatarunga and dissected where it was painful for me and, more importantly maybe, where it was scary for me. He told me in the end that I need to rebuild my pec muscles. I know this... it is just a daunting task and a wierd experience when I have little feeling in my overall chest area.
The journey of yoga.
Interesting aspect of my practice was backbending. The instructor doesn't do dropbacks and had me do assisted dropbacks, all the way down, with my eyes closed. This is very disconcerting at first. I asked "How will I know when to put my hands down?" After the first one he told me I was doing too much of the work. This is a wild idea considering how much I am encouraged to do all the work normally. So I had to find the ability to let go, with my eyes closed. It was an interesting experiment.
I finished my meetings at 2pm... came to the hotel and literally haven't left. It is rainy and cold and the idea of driving in this isn't entertaining. I have to be on campus tomorrow by 8am so I am trying to figure out how to practice. I think Wednesday I don't have to be there until 8:30 so I may be able to make David's at 5:30, practice til 7:30 and be back here by 8 for a 5 min shower and on campus on time. I *think*... I hope anyway...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:45 PM | Comments (3)
March 16, 2007
Exit Incorrect
It is 2:11 pm and I have yet to pack. I leave for Napa in an hour, Redmond straight from there. I have a mental block about packing for some reason and, yet, I better get my act together. I skipped two days of practice. Wednesday was work, yesterday The Husband asked if he could go to the gym since he hadn't been all week. How could I say no? I intended to practice last night but no one was home to watch The Daughter and she's suddenly too old for the child care at the gym (suddenly would be as of two weeks ago)... So I set the alarm for 5:45 determined to try a bit of food with the Motrin again.... but then decided after getting up I didn't want to feel like I'd puke so I just took it.
The thing is, it doesn't seem to work without food. I struggled with my knee throughout practice. I think I should go have it looked at. I would just like to know if I AM indeed dealing with something. It's been quite awhile and it hasn't gotten any better. I would hate to hear anything is wrong but at least I would know if something were wrong.
I originally planned on just doing first today... but ended up not feeling complete and so I did my second series poses too. Kapotasana was a bitch today. I don't fear the pose like I used to but if I'm not "there" then I'm not there. I only did Bakasana once... Tim said "I didn't get to see it." I said "Well I can get my feet back now but I can't land into chatarunga." I explained that I'm scared of that, chatarunga is hard enough for me because, well, to be blunt, the "fake girls" get in the way and if I catch them just the right way well it hurts like a mother.... I am concerned that jumping into chatarunga (not that I even know how to do that) I wouldn't have the control of getting my pieces all in the right areas. I was then treated to a demonstration and told that my way is not intuitive... and therefore my exit was incorrect. Ah, Bakasana... you may be my lifelong goal ;) /end petty whine
And, now, at 2:16 I really must pack.... wine country (and larger waistline), here I come... :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:09 PM | Comments (1)
March 13, 2007
Good Enough
I've decided maybe good enough should be the motto for all of my life. At least, that's what I thought while I was in the middle of Kapotasana today. I did it the first time on my own... just above toes.... I hemmed and hawed at the front of my mat after my first attempt.... deciding whether I had anything left in me to give it another shot. I have to admit, I envy the people who can just lean back and effortlessly grab their heels. I mean, I'm sure it isn't like "just a walk in the park" for them either but their places of interest are just different than mine. It's like the glass of wine at night. Oh well, I do it. Anyway, I hemmed and hawed long enough that my teacher wound up front and center and asked me how long the prayer was going to be.
It struck me that I DO battle myself to get my heels. Maybe, just maybe, not having the heels is good enough for now. If I actually watch people, even some of the more advanced practitioners can't get their heels. Who said it is about getting the heels anyway? So what. Someday maybe I'll get the heels and, in the meantime, who cares. I am where I am and some days that is close to heels and some days, that is across the grand canyon.
Today at work I watched the first strike of the Titanic against the ice burg. I am really, really hoping the water isn't that cold.
Which brings me to the fact that today was yet another beautiful San Diego day. I have to admit, I won't give it up. It takes a fortune to live here but it is so worth it for days like today. Yes, we deal with all kinds of lame stuff being in "Southern California" both professionally and personally and, mostly, in our pocket books but, really, you are paying for the weather and it is oh so nice. I sometimes toy with the idea of moving to some little town somewhere in some other state... then I remember that it's either A) really freakin' cold in the winter or B) really freakin' hot in the summer. For the record, I'd choose B over A but, realistically, I just love the perfection of a beautiful San Diego day.
It is oh so hard to go to work on a day like today. It makes me wonder whether the "not so six figure job" could be "enough." The answer is absolutely... but, first, I have to pay off all the surgeries. It might sound like an excuse but we've never had debt, ever, in our marriage. We pay cash for everything except our house... or we did. I feel a complete responsibility to pay for it.
I killed my computer. Yep.... tried to install Vista. I now no longer can even find a mountable volume. If I can get it mounted, no OS will install and if I can get the OS to try and install, the system boot will repeat itself endlessly. I'm at a checkmate with my computer and I believe it won. It would be nice to get a new one but then, as usual, the extermination of the surgical bills gets put off just a little bit longer. Yet, I can't really go without a computer. I do stuff on it. (Yes I have a work one... but you cannot mix your work with your personal stuff.... it is incestuous even if your best intentions are to completely control what goes into your harddrive and where.. it doesn't work, it won't happen and anyone who says they have separation is completely lying.)
Vista... and I'm freaking one of the big software company vocal fans... In fact, I'll be up there next week. I plan to practice with David Garrigues on Monday... I don't know about the rest of the week because my sessions start at 8:30am and the shala up there is too far from campus. Monday for sure :) Which reminds me to email jumpsthrusomeday about dinner!
The Husband and I are going to Napa this weekend. We are going with the CIO, CFO and IT Director of the law firm I used to work at. I am really looking forward to it. They are planning most of it but if anyone has any "must sees" let me know.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:42 PM | Comments (10)
March 12, 2007
Better Than Drugs
Saturday night The Best Friend came over for a glass of wine and some chatting. The Daughter was having a sleep over so I put them to bed first, let DJM park in the garage and then we just sat on the floor and talked until both of us old folks couldn't stop yawning.... unfortunately for me, sleep was elusive... I had let the girls pitch a tent in my room but being 6, they wanted the light left on, which left me unable to actually sleep. I don't know what I was thinking planning the American Girl Place outing for Sunday, the same Sunday when the time changed. Having to be in Beverly Hills at 9am meant leaving at 6:30 (for the mandatory Venti coffee run first) which really meant having to leave at 5:30am which meant getting up at 4:30.... it was a long day.
We go there right on time, the girls had a lovely time... we spent a fortune... we had brunch, we picked out dolls and accessories, did the hair styling and the magazine cover... I even got to stop at the Hard Tail store and pick up a new skirt and a pair of yoga pants...
Up for practice this morning... have decided that I must eat at least a couple bites of something with the Motrin else it doesn't work and my stomach feels wierd. I tried to get up at 5:30 but couldn't rouse myself... I ended up eating two bites of yogurt with granola at 6:15 and downing a cup of coffee. I worried whether I'd be sick in Kapotasana.
For whatever reason, I just didn't want to talk to anyone this morning. I went in, put my mat down and just practiced... and breathed... and that was good all the way to Mari D when Tim decided to hold a conversation with me at the same time that the was doing The Exorcism Adjustment. I believe I actually said "How many people can hold a conversation during this pose?" It sorta brought me out of my funk and drishte and back to the planet. I was just sorta out there for awhile.
That was probably par for the course considering my conversation with the mom who drove up to L.A. with me yesterday. We were talking about how I used to be... when I was a raw foodist, dogmatic and completely, shall we say, "crunchy granola." In some ways, I feel such sadness at my more moderate approach to life, a sell out... I believe in all of that stuff it is just too hard to maintain with my lifestyle. What a load of crap.... not sure how to change it, I can't add anything else in but there it is anyway.
Dwi Pada hurt today. It sucks having a hurt knee.
Kapotasana was barely there... I just did what I did... halfway up feet... no further... Jumped out of bakasana but I can't land it yet.... I can get both feet back but I can't do the chatarunga thing. In fact, I don't even know if I want to because I'm just fine with where my practice is now (fear or self loathing talking, not sure which).
I had a unique experience during dropbacks today... I was pushing into my hips, engaging my quads... my hands were almost on the ground... and then I just hung there... but I hung there in a near panic. I couldn't go back because I was pushing too hard foward/up... and I couldn't go up because I was too far back. For a split second I was actually concerned. I'm not sure about what, surely I had to go one direction or the other, but I felt some sorta fear or panic... It wasn't too hard to let the legs go and drop the last few inches... but it was an interesting experience. In the middle of assisted dropbacks I got really lightheaded... when I came up I said "Woah, got lightheaded." The assistant said "That's what we all come here for.... better than drugs."
Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:45 PM | Comments (9)
March 10, 2007
Strike A Pose
Led Primary last night. Had a 10am meeting so I went to the nighttime class Kiran was teaching at the health club. I ended up in the corner with mirrors surrounding me. Around Warrior I I noticed hwo much weight I have gained... how I had bulges in places I didn't before, how my belly didn't really "suck in" anymore, how fat I felt... and I gave up.
Interestingly enough it was a valuable exercise because while I gave up mentally, physically, there was no discernable difference in my practice (other than it was a completely physical activity with no sense of "yoga" whatsoever). In the past I can recall that when I gave up, the poses became difficult or making it through primary might have been difficult... but primary is now like an old pair of jeans that I kick on, squat, bend, squat so more, pull at the sides and finally get to at least look like I painted them on...
I remember that at Navasana I thought about leaving. The thought was followed by "well it's just primary, I can finish this." I was interested if I could stand up from backbends and dropback since I do have an issue with that if I'm not mentally engaged. I was able to. It didn't feel as beautiful and lovely but it was still there.
The truth in this lesson is that the practice works, even when we don't work with it.
After practice I met up with Tiff, Woke Up This Morning and Hanumantatsat (too lazy to do links). First sushi then drinks (well, for some of us) at the swanky and "hipster" place in town. It was lovely to get to know them better (well now Tiff ;>).... Interesting folks who do yoga in these parts... interesting folks.
Tomorrow -- American Girl Store up in L.A. to celebrate The Daugther's 6th Birthday. Tonight the clocks change... it will be an early morning since we need to be there at 9am. Girls & Dolls... as old as the ages.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:08 PM | Comments (3)
March 7, 2007
In The Future
Irvine this morning for one meeting... straight to Carlsbad for second meeting. This was the latest in the "big meetings" and, you know what... they all just are. My boss and I have talked about immediately putting into place a "good enough" policy. I don't have to prove myself, I don't have to work anymore than I want. If I am less valued or, worse, challenged, then screw it anyway.
With the good enough attitude, I crafted a new schedule. I am so relieved to say that The Nanny is going to come back. We've worked out a schedule that fits her school and my proposal to my boss. The No More Nanny came over today to drop off her key. The Nanny was here but The Husband and I were gone. I'm afraid it was a bit awkward but, really, what could I do. I can't give any more chances or worry anymore about whether my kids will be left at school. The Nanny would always find a way... as she said today, "I introduce them as my kids... they just used a different womb." Believe it or not, you want a nanny who feels like this for your kids.
I came home and went to The Daughter's softball practice. Took Cinny for a walk with The Daughter through the trail we have in our neighborhood. The Son did an interview of me for school. He had to ask questions like what I do for a living, my favorite hobbies, how I met his dad.... after we played Jenga and then togehter with The Daughter and then with all four of us together. I only lost once. We had dinner together... pasta.. we no longer have time for the good food we have been used to making. I can't cook or even plan to cook because I never know if I'll have time. The Son & The Husband went into the spa, Cinny stayed with The Daughter till she fell asleep and then the boys and I watched American Idol. I'm not really into American Idol but The Son really likes it and so we've been watching it with him. It's his first "non-kid" TV show.
It was good enough but I still have a notch to tone it down too. It would have been nice to have yoga too.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:57 PM | Comments (3)
March 6, 2007
Enough
I managed to make practice this morning. I had to make practice this morning. My life is spiraling out of control and I'm over it. Over it.
Practice... was good. just a practice. I landed Bakasana... only to be told that landing it includes landing into chatarunga. Since I can barely do chatarungas through an entire practice anymore (I'm up to about halfway before the pecs give out), by the time I get to Bakasana, there are not chats left. Eh, whatever... I was just glad to be on my mat.
Then all hell broke loose.
The New Nanny is now the No Longer Nanny. For the, mhmm, 4th or 5th time she didn't show. I was leaving for a meeting at 2:30 when I thought "I will just double check...." ... called her up and she acted as if she didn't know who I was... was NOT at school (kids get out at 2:30) and had NOT called me. I was livid. I hung up on her. I turned around in the street to race back to the school to pick up my kids and NOT be late (they get out at 2:35). Then to figure out how the hell to have two kids AND be on site with a client.
Clearly this isn't working.
In an emotional rage, I talked to my boss... unfortunately, some drastic changes had been discussed last week that I now basically was saying f-you to and saying this is it, something changes or I leave. My boss proposed a 40 hour work week (IMAGINE that!) and then possibly cutting down to 32 hours.
Here's what I know. It changes or I have to do something "less than" -- sure this is my career... but it is also my life... and right now life is a distant second.
I'm over it.
I was going to get up at 5am, drive to YogaWorks in Laguna Beach, practice and then make my 9am meeting in Irvine... but let's face it... I haven't even looked at my deck for tomorrow's million dollar presentation in front of one of the largest manufacturers of a particular sport's paraphenlia... I'll be up too late to get up that early.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:52 PM | Comments (0)
March 5, 2007
Income & Balance
Income & Balance
....
Debt
and
Balance
----
If someone handed me 30,000 I'd just stop working. Seems silly I know. I also know that there is a litany of ways in which we could reduce our lifestyle, live on the land, be more frugal and whatnot. Right now, we are just where we are. It will be interesting how far that envelope can be pushed.... or how many air holes I can find in it.
Hopefully yoga tomorrow... My life is an endless craze of golf clubs and fusion irons and torque and other crazy stuff I understand nothing about. I need to fix yoga.
Cinny, on the other hand, is a wonderful dog. She's like a house cat. She's super mellow and calm. Cinny's biggest issue is what she submissively pees if she is overly excited or scared. She likes to take walks and literally stop and sniff every few feet. She's still warming up but I finally got her to eat some tonight. We are happy to have her.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:46 PM | Comments (4)
March 2, 2007
Ball of Confusion
*faint whispers of Love & Rockets playing in background*
Ball of Confusion.... de do de do do do ....
There is this HUGE part of me that wants to forget "careers," "business," "clients", "software", "practice groups", "bandwidth," "best practices," "big huge software company" ... just forget it all... the game and the fun. It's fun the game, don't get me wrong. I am type A enough that I thrive on it.
The other day at practice when my teacher asked me if I thought I could pick and choose which poses I want, he said something about a bunch of narcissts... the girl next to me said "well, that's why we're all here."
Exactly... I know it, I see it, I just don't see the opening in the net yet.
There's like another step of the ladder coming along. It's a cool position to be in but it just seems like there must be a good enough step...
I was in Irvine this morning, San Clemente this afternoon and finally home to a very clean little Cinny. She is the most mellow dog. My nanny was with her all afternoon and Cinny loves her. This afternoon we took her for a walk and there were 3 goldens (beautiful) and she got right in the middle of all of them to take a sniff. With Max I would have been freaking out that something would happen. I'm slowly realizing how bound I was by Max's craziness. I just didn't know what a normal dog does. We haven't had a pee accident in two days. We don't even know what to think of that. We are constantly worried that we're gonna miss her going somewhere. Cinny is a sniffer. She likes to sniff at stuff the entire walk... stopping every few feet to let her do her thing. She sat outside with me all night with the neighbors chatting while the kids played. It was sorta relaxing to have her around and not be filled with stress.
Tonight I opened a lovely bottle of wine and had a couple glasses. It was a much needed break... too bad I didn't have any chocolate!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:58 PM | Comments (0)
Minnie Cinny
This is the nickname The Husband has already come up with for Cinnamon. She goes by Cinny and seems really sweet natured. She slept on our bed last night, she's never been crate trained. This doesn't really bother me but I think it freaks The Husband out. I took her to the vet this morning. Vet says she is beautiful, bred well, perfectly healthy and gentle mannered. Said she's probably a bit overwhelmed and in shock. I also had the behaviour trainer that currently has Max come out and take a look at her. The trainer was able to make her push her hands away with her face and I think she opened her mouth once but, for the most part, nope, she was just super gentle. She's great. She is a bit nervous with all the new people but slowly coming around. For the first time in months, with an animal in the house, we haven't had an accident. She's gone when we took her outside and she just waits when we don't.
This will be an interesting journey with Cinny. Tomorrow she sees the groomer for the first time... I can't wait to see her all spiffed up.
Work is out of control. It's like I really don't want to do this... work this hard... I really like the work I'm doing and this is what it takes to do it. I'm just not sure it is worth it to me. I may just have to say fuck it, not worth the stress. I am currently deciding how much of me is tied up in it.
No practice today. Ladies Holiday. Great timing... I just need some downtime without the stress of "finding time" -- isn't that horrible?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:04 AM | Comments (4)