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January 30, 2007
Dissatisfaction
I got ready for practice this morning and then realized Tim is in Tulum... so I figured why dare the rain, the traffic and the housekeeper showing up and freaking out The Dog when I could just go half a mile and practice with Kiran later in the day... and that's what I did. Practice was lovely again today. I'm just happy with practice. I only had an hour and a half today so I split after Garbha Pindasana. Pasasana felt great today, lately I've been feeling like I'm starting to get that pose back post-surgery. Pre-surgery I was pretty close to heels down, I haven't tried that recently since it still hurts through the sides somewhat in the pose but I can finally get my ass off my heels again, a full bind and a nice twist. I think it won't be much longer before I can try to get back to nothing under my heels and working on the drop down. Kapotasana wasn't even that bad today. I definitely need someone to pull my hands in before I drop my head though... as soon as I drop my head, it's all gone. I was able to get halfway up the feet (at least I think it is halfway) pretty easily actually... and then came the wonderful dropbacks. Today I was even able to hold the dropback for up to like 60 seconds I think. On a couple I just hung out before putting my hands down..it was quite a lovely feeling. Kiran came over twice to ask me if I was ready for assisted dropbacks but I am just really enjoying doing them and so I've been doing a lot of them. I lost count today... but, essentially I do them until I think I can't get up anymore :) Lovely, lovely.
So the other day I got told that we have one client behind the Orange Curtain. Since I support the San Diego region, this was news to me. I also got told that the client signed an engagement and therefore I own the contract. I'm pretty pissed off. I was pretty clear when I got hired that I didn't want to travel outside of San Diego on a regular basis and now I'm told I have to be onsite 8-16 hours a week in Irvine (an hour away). There's not much I can do about it. I told my boss I'm not happy about it. Here's the thing... I got an offer from a big huge law firm law week. They'd pay me the salary I'm making now... what I'm really interested in, is what happens to my so-called bonus. A large portion of my salary is hinged on that bonus but I'm hearing from other consultants that you get screwed out of that bonus if you aren't 100% billable 100% of the time which I'm not because I do so much sales support. I have to say, I like the work that I'm doing but if I'm working my ass off for a salary I could make doing in-house development, why bother? It's really a career move, yes I get that... but it's also a life thing. So I'm eagerly awaiting what the verdict will be and I'll be quite vocal about it if it isn't in my favor.... I reiterated to my boss that I don't have to be doing this and that I'm doing it because I want to. The minute it interferes too greatly with life, I'm outta here... it isn't worth it.
Irvine tomorrow... means no practice tomorrow.
That makes me even madder.
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In other news, I am seriously debating cutting all my hair off... and I mean all of it. The Husband has even told me he thinks I should which is remarkable since he never has an opinion. He said that he sees it as a fresh start...getting away from all the surgery and bullshit of the past couple of years... but I can't decide. Whenever I do it I feel too butch and fat and then sob for a few days...and then grow it back out. It's a cycle I used to do every couple of years. So what should I do...what to do...what to do....
The Magic Of Technology:
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:46 PM | Comments (14)
January 28, 2007
The Facing Inward Awards
A discussion The Husband and I were having about parenting over dinner (the kids were watching some show about a 9 year old kid with a band.. ) led me to thinking about some of the more alternative ideas I've had about parenting, how they've changed and morphed into something more moderate over the years as the kids have gotten older. This process led me to thinking about my blog and how many years it has been around... technically January is the anniversary of my blog... 5 years of blogging. That was before blogging was really a word and people were like "a what... a log... a blog?" I was thinking about how the commenters have changed, the subject matter has changed... how life is change.. when I realized I actually have a commenter who has been commenting here since the very first few posts of this blog. Strangel is a close second... but The First Annual Facing Inward Lifetime Commenter award goes to:
.......
Kathy has been commenting here since Day 1. Literally (though those comments don't actually exist because I originally used GreyMatter which I suppose is no longer a blog platform). Kathy is an interesting person. She's the nomad we all long to be. She and her husband quit their corporate software jobs, lived frugal, bought a portable house and travel the continent, literally, with their family of, mhmmm.... 7 (?) Kathy practices ashtanga while on the road. It all sounds like an amazing journey... Kathy is also one of the few people I know who has never veered from her parenting beliefs, no matter how many kids, no matter how old they grow. Some of those beliefs are controversial, some as old as the Earth beneath us... It's an interesting place of comfort I don't know that I have. I find that fascinating.
So, congratulations Kathy... as you sit on the edge of the continent along some wonderfully white sand beach... You've earned a trophy. So you name it... a new yoga mat (a nice heavy Manduka?), a new video or book... :)
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Tonight I went to the Intro To Second late in the afternoon. It was really hard for me to get motivated to go. My body felt heavy and tired from "they day." I was stunned at how difficult it was to get into the practice without first series. I never felt open. I am so not ready to give up first series... I love my practice, the whole thing... The other day I practiced next to one of the more advanced practitioners that comes to our studio. Imagine doing a few sun salutations and breaking into third series... Gnarly.
So while practice wasn't particularly pleasant for me and I still couldn't jump out of Bakasana... I can now at least get the balls of my feet in Kapotasana, nearly cold, and standup and dropback... and for the first time since surgery, I managed to get into a headstand with straight legs. Those little firsts are really special. It's not like the first time you do it ever.. but it's very encouraging on the road to surgery being a distant memory and blip on the radar rather than something I frequently deal with.
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I made a beef stew tonight. I've been feeling that sorta wierd thyroid out of whack feeling and red meat always makes it feel better. I always know when I'm getting to the point of needing to eat the meat when I crave a particular "home cooking" type food for days. I've been craving beef stew so I made one from scratch using organic grass only fed beef from the health food store and actual potatoes. I also used a dry red wine for the stew.... I assembled the whole thing then left it baking at 350 while I went to yoga for two hours. It was perfectly browned and lovely looking when I got home. Funnily enough, I ate like half a bowl and I was over it...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:21 PM | Comments (4)
January 27, 2007
Salteralla
Today was one of those story book "adult days." The Husband went surfing, I slept in, we all got our act together around noon and took The Dog to The Pannikin up on Highway 101. The Dog sat with his bone while we all ate lunch out in the winter air (yea yea like 65 or something... cold for here... brisk... cold... wanted gloves...brrrr) then we took the kids to REI for the rock climbing wall. They both gave him almost to the top so I dared them both.... if you both make it to the top and ring the bell, I'll climb. At first The Son gave up but he wouldn't come down and finally he just turned around and did it. This is so how I process and do things. Scary. The Daughter made it with just a tad of encouragement. I donned the garb and I have to say, it's a lot higher up there on that wall than I thought... and, man, that's all QUAD work. The poor guy working and I got into a huge discussion about what rock climbing does to the body.
After that we stopped at the pet store and then I stuck The Dog in a bathtub.... and I scrubbed him... and you know what.. he looks amazing! :) I love having a dog. He's awesome.
The Daughter is at a sleepover tonight. It's always a little wierd when one of your kids is at someone's house. It's just... that part of you is missing.
The other mom and daugher came and picked her up on the driveway... I exited through the garage and heard the faint whisperings of Dead Can Dance. The iPod on, while The Daughter and I were waiting we listened to Barbie's Top 40 or something. Songs like Hollabeck Girl (or something like that) and LOVE and 1985. 1985 is pretty funny if you are a suburban mom like me. That said, hearing that faint whisper reminded me what a great band Dead Can Dance was and is.
For Christmas I got The Son these cubicle toys from ThinkGeek. It was this little plastic assembly required thing called a Stikfas (or something like that..there is a whole website of them). He's totally into them... they are a Geek Toy. The website has pictures of these guys, all their variations, doing various things... baseball games to acting out Star Wars. The Son just ordered another one and we are trying to come up with an awesome picture to take and submit. Ideas welcome.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:48 PM | Comments (2)
January 26, 2007
Well.... Backbends Baby
So one of the reasons I don't feel comfortable considering the idea of ever teaching yoga is that I don't get the whole difference between which system is the nervous one and which is the whatever one. That stuff doesn't really mean so much to me... it is what it is the journey and it just is. I can't mix it up enough in my brain to make it any meaingful thing. What I do know is that I like my practice as I like my practice and it's very different to be pushed outside your box. It's not necessarily that I don't appreciate the lesson therein but, rather, that I'm just comfortable with the puzzle box I'm already working on. It just is, why guess anything else?
Max, The Dog, smells. He reaks. He didn't two days ago so I don't know what the deal is but he just horribly reaks. I'm sticking him in the sink tomorrow.. Bichon whatever... he needs a bath.
I went to dog training last night ... they had a "sit and stay" standoff. She gave us rules: If you dog moves, stay where you are so as not to distract the other dogs... of course, Max, who rocks at sit and stay for a beginner was the only dog whose neighbor decided to walk right in front of him. I almost wanted to argue for a foul but then I realized I'm talking about my dog.
After dog training I drove up to L.A. I got there at like 10pm and there was a 15 minute line to valet park. Kidrobot (a great online store I'm too lazy to link to) was having an art show at The Standard Downtown. I love KidRobot but man did it make it hard to get to the hotel. I had to shove my way through the VIP line, the Party LIne and the "people stopping by dream on" line. In my sweats, Uggs, tank top and two big bags.
I had a gigantic room. I considered just practicing in there this morning (let's not even talk about the bathtub. I seriously considered finding a reason to stay one more night so I'd have time to take a bath in it. It was literally gigantic. Anyway, I knew I would be too tired to get motivated since I can't sleep in hotels. I went to Ashtanga Yoga L.A. I started with the first person and was at Supta K when the teacher entered. They do that thing were they all stand up wherever they are in practice and say the invocation. I know they do this in Mysore and it is one of the things I can't grow to appreciate. I'm totally into my practice and, as in today, totally just making it through the series of asanas with some semblance of breath and, boom, I gotta stand up, come to, remember what I'm doing and actually chant!
I was almost nearing the end of my practice when the teacher asked me to move my mat back about 5 feet, inline with other people in the room. It was sorta wierd because, literally, there were only 4 of us in the room.
I love backbending right now. In particular, I like dropping back and standing up. Again today, just a lovely experience. I seem to think that the difference lately is how strong I am now and how I can hold my bandhas enough to hold it a bit and really get my head looking back. It's interesting because I never really focused on this experience before and I really enjoy it. Maybe Kapotasana isn't a lifetime away.
Bakasana... that may be a lifetime away.
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Tonight I told The Son about my day. As I was explaining it, I told him that I was at a conference where my friend, "You know honey, C, mommy's friend?" (he knows said friend), he was the expert on building software and he gave a speech to 2000+ people today about building software (or, at least, tying it together in The Mothership's way). The Son was fascinated....
It only hit me later that I just glorified a geek to my son and he was impressed ;)
Dare I say Geeks Rule?
(ETA: Today 2 years ago I was given Pasasana... sometimes I love blogging, it reminds you that time is really just an instant)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:33 PM | Comments (2)
January 24, 2007
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
With The Daughter still showing a fever yesterday, I didn't get to go to the studio but I did get to make lunchtime Mysore with Kiran. I was a bit nervous to do my whole practice with The Knee but ready to give it a try. All in all practice just rocked for me yesterday. I was the only person in the room practicing Mysore (Kiran usually allows us with regular practices to do Mysore on one side of the room while she leads a lunch class on the other)... it was a bit wierd actually and I felt bad for the girl across from me who clearly had never done yoga before and chose the corner spot hoping to fade into the scenery. When I got to Supta K, Kiran tried the legs..nope... but then I sat up and I could do Dwi Pada... interesting. I even was able to keep the legs over the head coming down with no pain.
Second series was fine... Bhekasana I just didn't force the foot to the ground... Kapotasana was simply lovely... I even managed to hang backward, eyes on the ground for a full 5 breaths a couple of times... My back felt *good* (mark those words because I don't think you've ever seen them before). When I got to dropbacks, I couldn't believe how easy and smooth they were and how pleasurable.. I think I did about 10 of them before I decided I should stop.....
Lovely, lovely... what a high.... It's those types of practices that leave you spaced out and out there for the rest of the day. This is normally a blissful experience; however, when you have to shower and be on client site with brain engaged, this can be dangerous... and so it was. My meeting turned into a 3 hour meeting... and then turned into sushi and beer at Japengo.
So when the alarm went off at 6am this morning I seriously considered not going...but thing about those blissful practices is that they keep you wanting more... like a drug... and, to be honest, I wanted those dropbacks again.
It was freezing this morning but I noted heat in my third Sun Salutation, sweat by the third B... a nice steady practice... Dwi Pada was successful again... I skipped Setu Bhandasana... Bhekasana was actually quite interesting since usually I get the "sit" adjust with my feet pinned to the ground... today no feet pinning or pressure so just the lift and it felt really nice... Kapotasana... not scary and I could feel the heels (but not on the heels) today... My arms were completely straight for the exit... I liked it...
And those dropbacks... inhale, exhale back, drop... quietly, and pop back up.... they were lovely. I did 5 and then decided to do some more... after 6 of them I was losing steam (unlike yesterday which is probably the difference between having eaten yesterday and not having eaten this morning)... every other stand up I took a step... as Tim said "backpedaling..." I told him they felt so good FINALLY that I didn't want to stop.
Tim is gone now for 10 days... I have decided my focus will now be on getting out of Bakasana. I'm not going to pressure myself because my knee hurts a bit in Bakasana but I have to figure it out... I get monkey-mind during that pose because I don't understand it. :)
Blissful high....
but screw on the head, meeting in a half hour with big huge national regulatory company!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:46 PM | Comments (0)
January 22, 2007
Fearlessness
I went to practice yesterday... I was a bit scared of my knee but it wasn't so bad. In fact, overall, practice was great. I had to do a bit of wiggling, how to move my leg back out of Warrior during SunSals (bending it like I normally do seemed to hurt)... Standing went well, even bent leg poses. We got to Ardha Baddha and I did the first side and then panicked a bit on trying the left side. I bent my knee and moved my foot up... no pain... so I looked at my teacher and said "Should I do it?" He came over and we did some exercises and that was that... by the time we got to Ardha Baddha on the floor, I just did it...
Then came 
Janu Shirasana C. Again I did the first side and then thought "Nope, not going here" without even trying the second. When my teacher said "What aren't you even going to try?" I had that moment of revelation... sometimes yoga is not about the asana, or doing the asana, or thinking about doing the asana... sometimes it is about moving past what is in your head. I think I nearly teared up... but I went for it, and you know, it didn't hurt... "Fear of pain is not the same as pain," a wise teacher followed up with me.
Maris were okay.... not overly pleasant as usual but doable... Bhujapindasana... eh... wasn't very comfortable... Kurmasana, quite pleasant, feet off the ground... but Supta K... OUCH. Acute pain. I grabbed my hands in Kurmasana and then wiggled my feet together, crossed my ankles and BAM... nope, spread them apart, in fact I kept my left leg straight. Pain. Later in Setu Bandhasana, pain again. I could put my feet in position but as soon as I raised and put the weight into my legs, acute pain in the knee.
Backbends were easy, standing up and dropping back not affected. Supta K and Setu Bandhasana are going to be a long term challenge.
The good news is, having a solid first series practice aside from those two poses leads me to believe I may not have torn something in there... the pain in my calf is subsiding since I practiced (it was probably good to stretch it out) and my knee felt all around better yesterday (I did take 800mg of Motrin before practice).
Motrin may become a long term friend.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:07 AM | Comments (1)
January 19, 2007
Baker's Cyst
Just home from the doctor. As expected, the X-Ray showed "nothing." The doctor walked in and told me that based on my description he was nearly positive he knew what was wrong... and it wasn't a tear or ligament related. He did some exercises on my knee... and said that, in his opinion, I have a ruptured Baker's Cyst. He said the key for him was my description of my calf pain. I have been noting that my calf has hurt ever since, sorta a dull ache at times and at others more acute pain. He said this is the classic symptom of a ruptured Baker's Cyst. I had just been telling The Husband last night that the bottom half of my leg ached... In addition, I didn't feel acute pain *right* when it happened... remember I finished my practice including Bhekasana heels to floor... this would be consistent with the diagnosis apparently. I woke up this morning with a lot more pain-free movement than I've had in days past. Able to walk without a limp.
So a Baker's Cyst is apparently a cyst that develops behind the knee and can rupture. When it ruptures, the fluid flows down into the leg and causes inflammation and pain. The doctor said that it can take up to 3 weeks for it to get better and that if I don't notice an improvement within 4 weeks, he'll order the MRI.
I could have asked for the MRI now but if it is a Baker's Cyst, the MRI won't show anything (because it has already ruptured)... I so want to believe in this diagnosis that I'm just happy about it... HOORAY... He told me to go back to practice and see what happens with it... if I notice pain, stop the action... if I don't, go for it. He said the calf is probably highly inflammed and will continue to be so for awhile.
There's a 6pm first series class at the health club tonight... I may end up there.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:49 PM | Comments (3)
January 18, 2007
Life By The PDA
I've become one of those people... I live by my phone. My phone, the same one that gives 4 different email accounts, my calendar, phone book and, oh yea, something to talk into. About a year ago I didn't even own a watch... When I started the day today I had one meeting and a doctor appointment tomorrow. I now am busy, literally with five minute transitions from teaching kids yoga, a client meeting via conference call, the dog trainer, a client meeting offsite, a conference call and a doctor's appointment. I'm sitting here planning my ballgame right now. No room for error if I'm gonna juggle it all.
At the same time I have also become one of those people or, rather consultants, who is giving up on the ideal. I no longer am confused as to why it takes a consultant 200 hours to do something your in-house guys say they can do in 100 if they just had the time.
I am totally excited because today I got an email from the CIO at my old law firm. We had gone out to tomorrow with her and the IT director and we had so much fun. They had talked about an annual spring trip they take to the wine country and Kevin and I expressed interest in that. In the past, those "yea, yea, we'll give you a call about it" promises have never come through. We've never taken a "hey, let's all go do this thing together" type of vacation. I know people who go on vacation with other couples all the time but we've never done it. Anyway, in the email she invited Kevin and I to accompany her and hers down to Cabo San Lucas. Unfortunately, its the same weekend we are in Mammoth so she responded that we were going to go ahead and schedule the wine country deal so that everyone could go. She picked a date, everyone responded and we all booked the same hotel and flights in the space of an hour! That rocked... I'm totally excited to go.
Whoohooo...
My knee is screwed up still.
I wake up every morning thinking "Okay, today the pain will be non-existent and I can cancel the stupid doctor appointment."
Apparently that isn't going to happen.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:18 PM | Comments (1)
January 17, 2007
It's A Girl Thing
I've spent the past two days up in Irvine, leaving at 7am and getting back at 5pm or so. Makes for a long day. I'm supposed to be at a "deep dive" technical training... only we're like in 1ft of water playing in the 1 + 1 = 2 end. We're doing a lot of pointing and clicking and running bat files and installs with no information as to what the heck doing all of that is really doing. A deep dive means, tell me what the internals do.... a shallow dive means show me what the client really wants to see. Two completely different things. I know what the client really wants to see and I know how to make it look that way but there comes a point, after the sale, in which you have to deliver what the client wants to see and the half-assed, B.S. code you wrote for the prototype just won't do (if you aren't tech, this is also the point in the process where I'd like to say "Yep, yea, my job is done, beautiful prototype isn't it? Make it so." See Dario, not so far from those 4 T.V.s playing Star Trek am I?). A deep dive means someone is telling me how to do it the "real world way" and not the staged demo way. In other words, basically write-off days for me in which I think "Well, I don't have to worry about billable hours and, you know, I can't practice anyway so at least I'm not missing that."
Speaking of the knee... it is screwed. Everyday I try to convince myself for a period of hours that it's nothing and I'm imagining it... but, in essence, it pretty much hurts.
I am still just pissed off about it. It really has nothing to do with not being able to do this pose or that pose... not at all... believe me, after the past year, I'm far past giving a shit that I end at Pose X and Susie ends at Pose Y... or that this pose or that pose doesn't feel so good anymore. I'm just sick of not being able to keep up with the meditative aspect of the practice because the physical part is so steeped in "recovery effort." They really are, even if we care not to admit it, two polar opposites that can't exist together... at least not for me.
I got into a discussion with the instructor of the class today. His mother apparently used to practice yoga in Mysore. That's about all he knew.... not with whom or what style or anything just that she went to Mysore for her yoga classes. He grew up somewhere right outside it. He's Buddhist and studies Vipassana so we had a lovely conversation about the value and difficulty of a 10 day silence retreat... something I think I would just cherish to no end. Imagine, complete silence for 10 days. I'd love that!
When I showed up at the training yesterday I found two owners of the company there (there are only 3)... I was surprised to see them because no matter how "deep" it is still a developer/implementer training. They said "We need to know what you know..." I was like "uh, no, you pay me to know what I know." What really impressed me, though, is how approachable they are. I don't in anyway feel like I can't just be my sarcastic self... making jokes at their expense "How far behind ARE you in that lab anyway?" They stayed for all of 3 hours before returning to the office, bored, and sending over two of our internal guys (meaning the guys who service our internal technical needs). When they left I didn't think twice about asking them to send those guys back with chocolate for me. I forgot at first so the president of the company phoned the V.P. who contacted the tech guy who called the president who handed the phone to me to find out what kind of chocolate I wanted ;) It's totally a girl thing.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:59 PM | Comments (3)
January 13, 2007
Jealousy Meets Romance
I've been making a super huge attempt to leave work at work on the weekends. A co-worker mentioned to me that he thought I didn't know how to not work all the time... since I've needed to prove to myself that I really do. If you read my blog a couple years ago, I was lamenting having "nothing to do" while The Husband and kids were gone for day. I was lamenting having nothing to do.... can you believe it? I was not back to my career, was involved only in the romantic notion of parenting and the rules and restrictions therein. 7th Series has taught me that there all no rules and absolutely everything that we think we know, that we might have known, dream we have known... means absolutely nothing because tomorrow it will all be different.
The Son is still sick and hysterical for about an hour this morning when he discovered that he was not going to be able to go to his favorite Indian Guides campout. This being his last year before he becomes a "bounce-out" (ie., anyone over the Grade of Third), each one has an added importance magnified by the degree of favortism. With him laid up on the couch, The Daughter and I trekked out with Max for an afternoon of errands.
We landed first at The Pannikin, a well known and loved little local place that serves coffee and tea and the associated items out of an old yellow house stuck in the midst of Highway 101. Max and The Daughter parked themselves outside while I got us some Chai and Orange Juice and bagels. From there we visited a fellow yoginis store, found a cute pair of jeans for The Daughter for $12 bucks and these socks for her individual toes that she now refuses to take off. Then we went to The Forum... passed by the studio... saw Ali and Michelle in the window doing the acro yoga class. Had brief moment of serenity before the anger steeped in.
I have been trying to convince myself all day that my knee is absolutely fine and that I could and should attempt to do half lotus. Only something unkown continues to stop me shy of it. My primary care doctor can't read the x-ray until Friday. Tonight I had ice cream for the first time in months. I just don't eat ice cream when I'm practicing.
I really really love having a dog around. It's not just that he's cute and cuddly and loves me to pieces but that he really makes me feel like I'm at home. We went to PetSmart today and he did great... until he got overwhelmed and then he barked and I felt like the mom in the movie theater with the kid that won't shut up and I can't get out of the row fast enough. He is, however, getting so used to the hand signal and Sit command that he did it four times in a row for The Daughter (he normally only responds to me).
I ran into one of the moms I used to be in a playgroup with about 5 years ago. It is sometimes wierd to run into those people. I have so many things in common with them that I just didn't back then and, yet, so many things I have just accepted the non-ideal in. It's a balance of life and I feel somewhat on the other page. Not really that I don't fully believe but, I suppose, that I am just too lazy to be on the same page. It's a wierd place of acceptance and self-flaglation (spelled incorrectly).
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:23 PM | Comments (3)
January 12, 2007
Ms. Graphic Designer And Why I Hate HMOs
I've had Blue Cross insurance for the past 6 or 7 years I guess. It's not that I really like Blue Cross. Believe me, if you are a long time reader (or, heck, even just a year yeader -- side note: My blog is now officially 5 years old... wierd) you know that I've had my issues with Blue Cross but, holy smoly, is it difficult to get anything done with a traditional HMO (I am sure that Blue Cross has their version of a traditional HMO, I was always on a PPO plan). The primary care doctor sent me to urgent care who said no xray make appointment with primary care... primary care backup says "need xray go to urgent care." We actually had to get a Patient Liasion involved. Clearly someone needs to look at my knee. I don't care who but get it right. I've now spent over 6 hours in waiting rooms for no apparent reason. Everyone agrees an xray won't see the right stuff and yet no one is seemingly capable of ordering one or the other. Finally late this afternoon the Patient Liasion managed to get an xray appointment... but the primary care doctor still isn't back until Friday so we won't know until then. Crazy. If I were on a Blue Cross PPO plan, I could simply call or Orthopedic Surgeon's office, ask for an appointment and have had the xray and the MRI by now or, better yet, have someone who knows something about knees tell me there's nothing wrong!!!! (This is the current dream.)
I hate HMOs because it is an absolute nightmare to get an appointment with the right person for the right thing at the right time.
I bought a new pair of yoga pants today. I really wanted them because they are the same as my favorite yoga pants but in a different color. I tried to talk myself out of them because, well, do I really need another pair of yoga pants and how long will it be before I can wear them? In the end, buying them was my tangible thread to practice and the idea that this is nothing and I will be on the mat next week. I believe this is called Retail Therapy. I don't think I've ever experienced it before now.
Max and I went to our first beginner's obedience class last night. It was great fun despite the weather here in San Diego (blah, blah blah... yes, you snow lovers, this is nothing but, to me, it's butt cold here)... this lady is 100x different than the first trainer. She's professional and stern. There's no fun and games except dog fun and games. Max did great! He actually successfully completed each command in stellar fashion. I was such a proud mom. About 40 minutes into it he got over-stimulated and some of his questionable behaviours came out. The trainer told me that he is curious and interested but scared which results in a conflicted personality... so his bark sounds ferocious, his tail is wagging and he's going back and forth... This is quite often when he nips. She said he may always be a dog who gets over-stimulated and needs to be removed or he may mellow when he gets out of the terrible teens. He also got his first grooming yesterday.. and, man, oh, man I can't believe it!!!! He IS a bichon. He's a freakin' white puff ball and he's so cute.
Work is going pretty good, haven't been feeling much pressure until this evening, as I was finishing up some UI design on a screen I realized... I'm freakin' designing the UI for a million dollar application that is going to be used across the globe by a certain large and name recognizable chain of service stores. I'm a programmer! I feel like one of the Fab Five trying to come up with the proper color combination, icon imagery, backgrounds, text, font... It dawned on me that this is scary stuff.
Mr. Architect and apparent holder of my dream job (description of which is contained in an earlier posting this week -- I am too lazy to do the cute hyperlinking) emailed me today to commiserate on popped knees. I think his popped going into Urdhva Padmasana and he just had surgery on it a couple weeks ago... I happened to run into him right after outside the studio coincidentally. So I got to thinking about Mr. Architect telling me he had my job... that he had a team of implementers upstairs. The man is gone on various Grand Canyon river trips, far away beach vacations, trips to Esalen more than anyone I know all combined... so if you just get to come up with ideas and be gone 6 months of the year... that sounds really good. :)
The Son has the flu. I hate when one of my kids is sick... it rivets your heart... you hear a rasp in the breath or see them twitch... or, worse, like my son, listen to them hallucinate (The Son nearly always hallucinates when extremely sick... The Husband also does this)... Worse is knowing that you aren't at the halfway mark because the other one will get it... and Goddess forbid it passes to the adults. Those things drag your family to a grinding halt.
[Edited to Add: WOW... 4 years ago I was beginning this journey.. Can it really be that long that I've been going through this life change and this journey with BC???? Two years ago was the first surgical appointment.]
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:11 PM | Comments (0)
January 10, 2007
Stretching The Billable
I had a crazy day today. Busy and full of emotions. The Dog wouldn't eat his food this morning... it's the second day in a row... had a meeting at 10 for a client and I had no transition but didn't feel too worried about it. No practice, of course... {as I seethe} ... I am simply angry... pissed off and literally boiling over angry. My knee is way worse today. I had to ask to use the elevator at my meeting. By 5pm The Husband had finally convinced me (after a few too many completely unhinged anger sessions where I was woefully assinine and completely rude to him) to go to Urgent Care. I finally made it there by 6pm. Not the way I really wanted to spend an evening (anger boils over now).
The urgent care doctor tested for bone breakage. "No, I was doing yoga... leg behind the head... yes, left leg... yes, behind my head all the way.... I'm fairly certain it isn't a bone!" She tested for ACL damage by doing some funky movements on my knee. Then told me they aren't allowed to ask for MRIs so I'd have to go to my primary care doctor. Now this might not have pissed me off entirely except that the entire reason I was *at* the urgent care was because my primary care doctor is on vacation and his office told me to go to urgent care.
So I'm home with a knee brace thingy, 800 mg of Motrin every 8 hours and tears... the anger boiled, evaporated and is now just a wierd sense of not getting it. I feel like I don't get it enough to let it go. I haven't seen even the smallest glimpse of understanding, lesson, recognition... What the HELL am I supposed to be learning here?
I've spent over a year getting over my breasts... and each time I feel "back" something else comes up (granted those took center stage for the past year but...) ... My teacher said recently to me, "It's always something." At the time I dismissed it and thought "yea, it is, isn't it!?" Today, however, I'm just really wondering what something is.
As a very smart person and lovely yogini said recently, "I sometimes wonder if the universe is confused." Yea... me too.
So tonight, instead of being billable which I probably should be... I'm telling myself that I don't need to prep for my 7:30 meeting right now... that I'll simply get up in the morning and take care of it. This leaves no room for even a millimeter delay in the execution of activities to prepare for the meeting.
I better be as good as I keep telling myself I can be.
As a side note, I actually believe I'm not as good as that... but what I think I am quickly finding is that the business world is a bit different than I thought it would be. In law, things were different. Technology isn't considered the mission critical, pour a half million dollars into it, entity. As a consultant, the clients I work with are those types of people. I got wind today that the big demo I did... looks like we'll get that project. It's a huge accomplishment for me. I can't believe how hugely I feel by it. I went in and did something I really wasn't sure I was capable of doing it and I rocked it. My dream job... I now know exactly what it is. My dream job is the idea girl. I want to walk in, pre-sales, and create fancy freaking demos of ideas.... and then leave it to other people to implement. That's the job I want.
Actually I think they are called architects.... but I'm woefully behind on the "industry lingo."
Back to the ice....
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:47 PM | Comments (5)
January 9, 2007
---------
I had a meeting today at 1pm. The problem is that I hadn't done any preparation for the meeting. Unlike in my previous lifetime, you can't walk into the board room without some preparation so I figured I'd squeeze a couple hours into a half an hour and somehow play it off. I knew how to pull it off so I decided that I was going to practice. I had it all planned out, got the kids to school on my own, got the dog walked... got to practice, lay the mat down, people still leaving last class, social moments and what not... and I just inhaled and got down to practice. No dilly dallying, no musing around... just the practice. I was on the wave of yoga... and then I got to Dwi Pada... I put my left leg behind my head, managed to keep it there briefly... got assistance for the other side... as I put my leg back into eka pada and we pulled it down, my knee gave a very, very loud and disconcerting pop. My first thought, which I uttered was, "Did you hear that?" The girl across the room said, "Heck, I heard that!" It didn't seem to hurt so I went ahead with Dwi Pada and the rest of the practice, pausing every now and again to feel it out. By Setu Bhandasana, it was noticebly tender. Kapotasana... I even remembered to breathe... Feeling the bottom of my heel (or is it the top?) didn't feel so bad.... As I walked out of practice, my teacher said "Ice"... but I didn't think much of it... until I got to the bottom of the stairs and it became noticeably sore.
I ended up in the parking lot, chatting with a couple girls from the studio for nearly a half hour... raced home, grabbed a blue ice pack from the freezer, grabbed a vitamin water, donned a dress (I never wear dresses to meet clients and I very rarely wear something other than a suit to meet a client for the first time.... but, in this case, all my suits are pants and I needed an ice pack on my knee... so I said screw it and went causal).... in the middle of the 4 hour meeting, the blue ice pack burst... I had blue stuff streaming down my leg... I grabbed at it and got a sticky film on my hand which I then tried, politely, to wipe off (that stuff is sticky)....
The knee, slowly but quickly, tighter and tighter... sore enough that now movement elictis a correct... I slightly limp to walk, I kneel down without bending that knee... I feel fear.
I email my teacher... he says skip a day. I am now pissed and fearful.
I am also hopelessly feeling sorry for myself. This is the time when having "such a good reason" for self-pity is meaningless... I just need any excuse and, frankly, that one works, to allow myself the self-pity. It's the classic After everything I've been through, I screw up my hand, I pull my hamstring... oh and, yea, the pecs are messed up, the sides still hurt... and now I blow out a knee?
Back in the summer, I got a reading which I blogged about. It was an interesting reading since I knew "of" the person prior to the reading and, well, he's a pretty trip individual. In that reading, he mentioned that I would have a difficult time physically for awhile.
I wonder how long awhile is.
The Daughter demonstrated that she has learned to dropback. Please see photos on right... She stood up, smiled, put her hands over her head and dropped back. It must be lovely to be so free and fearless.
Or , at least, not laying in bed with an ice pack.
/end selfish, pouty whine
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:52 PM | Comments (2)
January 7, 2007
First Yoga Practice
Max made it through his first yoga practice. My stomach has been in a funk all day today... not sure why exactly, just has been. I decided tonight that I'd try yoga and see if that calmed it down any (the jury is still out). The first few sun salutations were infused with licks and short stance and a general "What the hell is she doing" vibe from the dog. After that he sorta got bored and just sat and watched, occasionally wandering near.. and then he just gave up. I have to admit, doggy kisses in downward dog is slightly distracting.
Last night the kids were at my mom's house for the night. The parents of my yoga kids got together and gave me a gift certificate for a local restaurant we like. I was really surprised and flattered that they would do such a thing. It was totally unexpected and generous. When I accepted it I said "Oh you really shouldn't have... this wasn't necessary..." My neighbor was there when it was delivered and she said "Julie has a hard time accepting things..." I really do. I wonder what that's about. We had a reservation for last night and, at first, I had a really hard time loosening up. The afternoon had been a tough emotional one for everyone in the yoga community here... The Husband and I had a nice talk about death and what it brings you face to face with over a glass of wine. I love when we connect over such amazing topics. The gentleman next to us was taking his mom out for her birthday dinner. She was 75 and he was nearly 50. We talked periodically as the tables were close. I told her I hope my son is taking me to dinner when he's an adult. The Husband and I had such a lovely evening.... dinner, dessert, a lovely bottle of Hitching Post Syrah, through the garage into the jacuzzi... A nice Friday.
Work is going pretty well. I'm "on the bench" right now, as they call it. Apparently I am purposefully sitting this one out so that I can pinch hit or something. They use all these baseball analogies at work and I'm always woefully behind or confusing what they mean. I did, however, learn what Marty ball was from Tim... and I used it, somewhat in context, on Friday at work. :) Being on the bench makes for a much less stressful day to day existence and so I've been really playing catch up in life. Spending less time in front of the computer and more time doing. The next inning will be coming up soon, the bench time is good.
I hope the tummy feels better tomorrow...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:08 AM | Comments (4)
January 4, 2007
Birth
Practice: Practice, forgot my legs... backbending, not as pleasant... kapotasana, I kept my head off the ground for the entire adjustment... I forgot to breathe... stronger grasp at the tops of my feet but no heels... legs and breathing..what a combination that will be.
I was reading One By One on Ashtangi.NET and I realized it's been 6 years and I haven't really thought about The Daughter's birth story lately... Funnily enough, it actually exists on the Internet... so here you go but FAIR WARNING: It has graphical pictures included: The Daughter's Birth Story ... and then when I was finding where I stored that, I came across the nine videos I have of her birth... If you want to see her actually being born, click here: Birth Video (side note: the quality is better if you download it, the video is in Real Player format -- remember this was 6 years ago :>).
I was only mildly surprised, after watching this, to realize it choked me up. Birth is such a miracle and watching the videos (we haven't been able to watch them because the camcorder we used for the birth broke and we haven't transfered them), seeing The Son so little..wow, what an amazing moment.
The kids are at Grandmas for two days..... what shall I do with myself?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:39 PM | Comments (6)
January 3, 2007
Like A Child
I was a New Year's party the other day and the subject of my breasts came up. It's a bit of a wierd subject for multiple reasons. I'm super open about it so if someone asks me a "why" question, I'll answer. I forget how the subject came up but we were talking about asana and one of the people said "Yea, but you just had another surgery..." and someone who didn't know me asked "Is it okay if I ask what type of surgery?" The response to that question, in case you've ever asked it of someone, is very touchy. It's multi-dimensional and I have to consider who I'm talking to when I answer. I try to be very open about it. It's not that I really care who knows... why should I. It's just that sometimes the insincerity about it is too great to bear. Figuring I was in the company of yogis I explained basically the whole story. As we were leaving the party the gentleman said to me "Thanks" for sharing an inspirational story. The word inspirational really struck me because I don't necessarily think of it that way. It made me realize that I suppose, in some way, I AM justifying it still to myself. I AM trying to convince myself that I did this for a reason and a damned good one. WHY I have to justify it is beyond me but there you go.
At the same party someone shared with me something so deeply personal and painful that I literally didn't know what to say. It's one of those moments you keep coming back to in the hopes that you could come up with the right response, instead of silence... and still you never do. I feel horrible that I didn't even utter a word and I'm hoping that the deep respect and eye contact I tried to give a moment that is truly speechless was felt for the spirit it was intended.
I had a ladies holiday on Tuesday and a moon day tomorrow. I am so looking forward to practice tomorrow. I feel giddy about it. I realized this morning that I think I *might* (please don't quote me on this) not feel so scared of Kapotasana anymore. *MIGHT*
Part of this blog may now become "Life As A New Dog Owner." I'm still a bit freaked about the dog. He's awesome... but when he gets scared, he is an ankle nipper and that really worries me. He's so special... I have found I have a hard time treating him like a dog. I want to give him my table scraps and I want him to sleep in my bed and I want to coddle him and tell him not to be scared. I didn't say I am doing any of those things... but I sure feel like I want to.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:05 PM | Comments (2)
January 1, 2007
This Moment
The thing about death is that it makes you stop and think about just how much you believe whatever it is you believe. If we really truly believe what we believe, be it that this is all there is, or that what is supposed to happen will happen, that everyone has a number, that we go to heaven, that we have karma, that we turn to dust...whatever it is you believe, when faced with the idea of death, when it becomes a very tangible moment in your life... those are the times when your faith in what you believe comes to a head with all the little ways we psych ourselves out.
My quads are still store. This is a very, very, very good thing.
CIODude says I am sounding like myself again... funny because earlier tonight while talking to another yogi I had the distinct feeling of being back home in my practice again... or, in the least, of feeling some passion for it. It changes my whole attitude.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:41 PM | Comments (2)
Well Duh
It is an amazingly beautiful spirit who can lose someone so dear to them and still show up in the studio on New Year's morning. I was moved by G's grace and strength today when I realized she was in the room. She practiced with a small flower at the front of her mat... it was a gentle reminder to us all to embrace the beauty and shortness of this moment.
In typical blog fashion, on a selfish note, practice today... again very good... two days of inspirational place in my practice... full consciousness of what my quads are doing in every standing pose... second series today... Kapotasana... look back... hang... down to my hands... crawled just to above my toes when I felt help.. pulling up at my quads... I realized how often I hold my breath during this adjustment so I consciously exhaled and inhaled... hands mid feet, grasping sides... no panic button... but not release either... checkmate...
In Supta Vajrasana Tim came to help... I can easily bind on my own and he looked like he was only going to hold my knees down. I said "That's it?" He said "You want more?" So he gave me the full deal and I was able to hold my toes all the way back again... I always find a sparkle when I get something back after surgery. The funny came next... as I came up after the first five breaths, I went to go back and he had me all the way down..then again... and I'm thinking "Wait, normally you just go halfway..." so I come up and say "Why are you making me go all the way down?" He said "This is the proper method." I said, "It is, don't you just go halfway?" He said "No, who is teaching this method?" I said "I thought it was you!" Down, up, down up... I say "Are you sure?" Everyone laughs.... New Year's humor.
Backbending... it's all quads. As if I haven't been told this before but it seems the consciouness of my quads in standing is helping me find my quads for backbending. Today I had the most stellar drop back I've ever had... I literally hung for a bit before putting my hands down the way I see other people do... the effort, the mind "quads, quads, quads..." It works (duh). I am coming up crooked though. Not sure where that is coming from.
The energetic S from the OC got Baksana B today... landed it even before everyone's eyes... Happy New Year!
The quads... burning still.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:05 PM | Comments (1)