facing inward

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November 30, 2006

Plenty of Drama

So reading the bloglist today... something I rarely get to do... but today, yes, after 6 hours of headway on my demo, 6 HOURS... I unplugged my laptop to take it with me to a meeting and when I pulled the plug out, the entire f-ing computer crashed. No, the battery was fully charged but, apparently, the force with which I removed the plug must have caused internal chaos and the entire computer black screened (technical note: black screened is not as bad as the infamous blue screen). This wouldn't be so bad except that in my haste I had not previously saved the undo disks on my virtual server.... and, unfortunately, it appears, when the computer bit it, my vmc file was saving and so, when I turned everything back on, the vmc was 0kb (bad, very very bad) and the undo disks were orphaned essentially discarding the entire 6 HOURS of progress and code I had made. Normally I'm anal retentive about pulling code off my virtual images before I shut down my machine therefore always having two copies... of course, this time, I just didn't... because the other 1,000 times nothing happened... and look, here I sit... 6 hours out of code.

As a result, no yoga.

But let's get back to the drama... you know... I guess I just don't really see the drama. For the most part, I know the people at the studio that I know and I go in and I say hello and maybe talk to one person and that's it. The drama I see it's all my own internal bullshit, black and white, I can't do it, I suck mentality. We all do it, it's okay, part of the journey... but it's all my bullshit.

Yea sometimes I look at the skinny chick next to me and think "Man, I'd be able to do x, y or z if I didn't have an ass too" and dream about discontinuing the feeding of food into my mouth but, in reality, I don't have that kind of discipline (just a second, must take sip of my wine) and I never will (which is probably a good thing because I AM that black and white).

Yea, sometimes, I look at someone else's practice and think "man, they must be so much more evolved than me...." and then realize, why? Because they can put their feet on their forehead from behind?

Really, all that drama... that's my drama.... if I'm angry at someone or disappointed or whatever "non-positive, joyful" adjective might fit, it's my drama and, chances are, no one else even knows. Case in point, while I might think the drama of my recovery and return to the mat are massively apparent and everyone knows, I ran into this girl at the store who was at practice the other day... she had no idea.

It's all my own drama... and usually, the drama is the stuff I just need to work through myself...

Busy weekend... holiday party for work tomorrow night (still NO CLUE what to wear)... TWO birthday parties on Saturday and a Teddy Bear Tea with The Daughter on Sunday... nevermind that I have a million dollar presentation in one week that I'm woefully far behind on.....

Just more drama.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:05 PM | Comments (6)

November 29, 2006

Conversations You Don't Want With Your Yoga Teacher

I debated practice at 7 or 9 this morning but figured I need to whip my non-disciplined ass in shape and bit the 7am bullet. It was freezing... whine, bitch and moan. I was starting to think I might like a little bit of winter.. but not at 6:30am.

Much heavier today... at some point I must have pinched my right side "surgical area" and it ached on and off for half the practice. The Australian gave me an awesome assist in Dwi Pada and it felt a lot more effortless.

By the way, Lauren, what I meant by "hard boobs" is that these implants are, clearly, much "stiffer" and don't flatten like regular breasts do... not that they are literally hard, they are as soft or softer as when you felt them ;) They just don't move out of the way so, for example, in Pasasana, I really have to try to get them out and past my leg whereas, pre-mastectomy, I could simply twist and they would either flatten out enough or at least have give.

Parsva Dhanurasana... very, very difficult for me and does not feel good through the surgical area.

I noted "the look" when I laid down for backbends today. Like yesterday, I was pretty sure the "Kapotasana?" question was coming... today I didn't have a chance to play childish games when, on a walk by, I was asked "What, Kapotasana next week?" I responded with a look of fear which was met with "Yes, next week." Kapotasana.

So I did some backbends... I stood up... I couldn't go back. I even tried once to go down the wall and couldn't do it.... I hemmed and hawed a bit and just ended up doing dropbacks. When my teacher came over he said "Did you stand up?" I said "Yes, but I can't go back! Fear!!!" So we did our dropbacks and on the last one he pulled me up with the magic one hand assist and we then proceeded to have the following conversation:

Him: Your legs are a lot stronger. They feel more powerful.
Me: Than before?
Him: Yes
Me: Well, maybe the time off did me some good.
Him: Or it could be the extra weight

*cringe*

I now, officially, have no idea what to wear to the holiday party.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:03 PM | Comments (5)

November 28, 2006

RNF (aka Random Neural Firings)

I filled out the application for a resuce dog. The breed is a Bichon or Bichon mix. I've been reading a lot about them since TC&L got one and they appear to be the exact type of dog I have been thinking would mitigate the hesitations The Husband has. The dog doesn't shed hair (which was one of the number one issues) and is also good for people with allergies. It is a small indoor dog with spunk and personality (the kids wanted a dog they could play with). Our family is good for a Bichon because they don't like to be alone for hours on end and, for the most part, there is always someone here at the house since we both work from home. The resuce agency is coming on Tuesday for a home inspection and then we wait until a foster family evaluates a dog that appears to be a good fit for our family. I'm a bit nervous because we are busy and this is a huge committment but, at the same time, I hope this will be a really great thing for our family.

I didn't get to practice yesterday... a combination of work and the hard and icy cold realization that I've been drinking too much wine lately. It must stop. My ability to justify it as a means for relaxation during my induced "yoga break" is now done... the expanding width of my ass is proof enough that I've over indulged.

Practice today, however, was lovely. I will own, right here, right now, that I took some Motrin this morning. I took it in anticipation of backbending today. Slap on the wrist I know but at least I am owning my issues finally. As I was walking out the door I realized I forgot my coffee in the press... so I didn't have coffee pre-practice... and I felt better for it. Or maybe it was just fluke that I had a nice practice. Afterall, 9am is better than 7am and I did take the Motrin. I was somewhat bummed and, at the same time, overjoyed to see The Best Friend's past-due-date wife at practice. If you've never seen a post-nine-month pregnant woman doing ashtanga yoga, you don't know what you are missing. It's quite beautiful. Let's hope, however, that baby gets here before Friday (you know a day for good measure!)!!!!!!

I was surprised when my hamstrings felt, well, for lack of a better term, normal today. No fighting to put my head to my shins, no internal drama, no wishing I was somewhere else. They were just normal. Normal is a nice place to be. Around the warrior sequence I came to and noted that I just felt perfectly fine. The only drama still holding on in standing is Prasarita C, Tim helped me today and once he rearranged my entire body, I was able to hold my hands to the ground without any pain. Perhaps I'm just approaching it wrong out of fear. All of primary felt fine... I'm not jumping through all the way through in an effort to build back my stamina and strength... but really that's my only modification for primary. Pasasana was super hard today. I couldn't get my knees aligned and still get my now hard breasts around my knees in order to wrap the lower arm tightly around... the knee not on the twist side would go forward (I believe the heel was coming off the mat roll). I was able to bind and twist but it was much more tenacious than even last week. Dhanurasana B is still very difficult... today I had to back way off. Bhekasana was the hard pose last time around, this time, it seems it will be Dhanurasana B. Bhekasana is still difficult... the pulling and pushing thing is still hard but Tim has been adjusting me everytime and I don't have issue with the adjustment since it takes all the pressure off.

Laghu Vajrasana... much easier today.. the strength in my quads is slowly coming back... I saw Tim watching me... I was worried that he might say "Eh, Kapotasana today?" or something of the sort... I have promised myself that I would not attempt Kapotasana until I could stand up from a backbend again... so I played mental games instead... I closed my eyes until I heard his feet move away :) Like a child. 3 backbends... boom stood up. Could not for the fear in me drop back. Oddly enough, I never considered that dropping back would be something I couldn't do which is why my "self agreement" involved standing up. I've been able to drop back for years even when I couldn't stand up for years... I tried 4 or 5 times and could see the floor and popped back up... I just couldn't get the guts to take my arms overhead. I was scared of the pull through the sides, I was scared of not being strong enough to control the descent and landing hard on my hands therefore causing pain... I had Kiran come and help me.... but I still could never go down on my own. I can stand up... can't go down.

I've now amended my self agreement to be "I'll try kapotasana when I can dropback and standup."

I'm trying to figure out how one keeps their leg behind their head. I can get my left leg behind my head and keep it there for a few seconds, a minute if I hold my chin. The whole time I feel like I should be engaging muscles other than what I'm doing (which is basically engaging anything that will engage). Everyone I see do this appears to be very relaxed and giving very little effort. Perhaps I'm not open enough but I think I just don't "get it" yet.

Our holiday party at work is Friday night. I have no idea what to wear. I bought this really cool shirt that was way too expensive and then The Husband said it was "just okay." I have this other shirt I really like but I think it is too sexy for a work event. On the one hand, I'm a girl and I like to embrace that... on the other, I work in a male dominated field and I don't want "them" to look at me "like that."

This is the shirt I bought... what do you think?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:06 PM | Comments (9)

November 27, 2006

Long Weekend

I guess I had a holiday weekend. It felt more like life used to feel before I was really working again after those long, lost baby days. It feels like forever since I've seen them. Baby Days. They have a certain magical quality about them that never comes again.

We spent Thanksgiving up in L.A. with The Husband's family. Good food, wierd conversation and a long day of driving about sums it up. I never know what to make of The Husband's family. The familial relationship is so different than my family it's like I can hardly deal with it. My family had a rough Thanksgiving... my family (mom/dad, sister/BIL, niece/boyfriend) all went to Mexico, while there my sister's brand new truck got stolen... which wouldn't be horrible except that their dog was in the truck and, that dog, was like everyone's child. I feel so horrible for them.

It was wierd timing though because I've been really brewing the idea of a dog. The idea has been brewing for more than a year now... I've vascillated between cat and dog... leaning towards dog because, well, cats are pretty individualistic entitites. My teacher and his family recently acquired a dog and the more I read about the breed, the more convinced I was that this breed might be the right type of family dog. I found a rescue place here locally which means that an available dog could be a week or a year away.... I filled out the application. The Husband is completely against the idea. He's never owned a pet in all his life. The Kids totally want an animal that is not a fish (ie., something they can interact with). I've had dogs my entire childhood.... in my gut, it is the right thing....

Practice today was a practice... no grace, no strength, no balance and no nice backbends... but a practice with moments of complete solitude.

It's slightly funny and slightly a moment of "How stupid am I" that I recognize I'm obsessed with standing up from backbends. What am I thinking..what week 2. I'm an overzealous idiot... yes, I realize that... On the other hand, man, wouldn't that feel nice.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:26 AM | Comments (2)

November 23, 2006

Work Is Where The Heart's At

... and I don't mean work as in my professional work... the work that happens on the mat when it isn't that blissful "Whooohooo look I'm doing yoga" feeling...

Today I worked. My muscles feel like stones with their insides torn out. I felt like I gained 30 pounds instead of 15 I'm willing to bet I did gain. I had a realization about first series and second series today. It's one of those personal ones but it was there nonetheless. I did through Laghu Vajrasana again. I have promised myself I won't go near Kapotasana until I can stand up on my own again....

Today on my last assisted dropback, when Tim went to stand me up... he put his hand on my sternum for the Magic TM Standup adjustment... I had a panic attack. I said "NO no no!" while shaking my head. Tiff laughed for me and shut down and let someone else do all the work. I just didn't quite think I was ready to do it and I suppose I trust the lesson in there is that I'm not ready to do it mentally. When I came up: "Oh ye of little faith." In myself.

I spent the rest of the day writing code against the latest offerings from The Software Giant... where the API entries were: "assemblyName: TODO" -- it's always a good thing when you are trying to GUESS what the heck your arguments are supposed to be. :) I love brand new code. It smells like a new car.

The Son and I talked about the NXT block today (the new Mindstorms). I suggested we ask Santa for one together.. he thought maybe I need my own brick. I told him I just wanted to make the thing go and I didn't care what it looked like so he agreed to share ;) We decided we should also ask Santa for the Bluetooth dangle and the compass sensor!!! Santa isn't quite sure how to play this gift idea but we'll figure it out.

Tomorrow I am hoping to practice in the morning but will have to bring The Kids with me. I know they'll just sit in the other room and watch a movie or play Gameboy... but its still distracting for me. Maybe I just won't care tomorrow :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:14 AM | Comments (0)

November 21, 2006

Glistening Glimmering Jello

So I got told today that, indeed, I have to account for every minute of an 8 hour day in my time keeping. It's been so long since I had to do that and it is so hard for me... moreover, I hate it. I hate the nitty picky "Oh not 8 hours, you suck" mentality. The bottom line is, last week I didn't bill 8 hours in each day and I gave up trying to bill an 8 hour day. To bill an 8 hour day, you are working a 10 hour day and I'm not going to do it. My bonus is tied to that 8 hour billable rate but I've given up the bonus. I don't care about it, I just want to do a good job, doing cool stuff and have a regularly balanced life and if I can't achieve that, this isn't the place for me. The jury is out still.

In an effort to work 8 hours and find a place for my yoga practice, I'm going to have to sleep much less.

Yes, a yoga practice... today was the first time I've seen a yoga practice in nearly 5 months. Today was lovely. I went to Mysore expecting more of the same, tight hamstrings, painful sides, an exercise in pain management and, instead, was pleasantly mindless. The only real point of mental focus was Prasarita C which is incredibly difficult for me if I put my hands to the floor... don't know if that's a danger zone or an edge so I just breathe and try it here and there. Aside from an overall lack of strength and stamina, practice was practice.... I got a whole bunch of those eyebrow raised surprised looks during adjustments. A couple of "No pain?" to which I was able to say "No pain." Rich got my chest and chin down in Badhakonasana without much drama after my initial "I don't really want to do this" fight. I managed to hold one leg behind my head in Dwi Pada but couldn't keep it there long enough to bring the other leg back. So when I finished first series, even though I had a meeting at 11:30, I decided to try Pasasana.

I figured Pasasana was a long way off but I wanted to see how far away it was. I rolled up the mat a few times, heels down to the mat and wala, binding wasn't hard... in fact, binding and twisting wasn't hard. No wrist but a firm hand grasp... so I did Krounchasana, almost skipped Shalabasana but did those... did Bhekasana but couldn't get my chest up far enough... Tim helped and managed to get me pretty far lifted... I did Dhanurasana which was okay but had some pull through the sides but B... oh that one didn't feel so good... who would have thought! My mind entered the picture a bit... so I debated going further... did Ustrasana... hemmed and hawed over Laghu... whent down elbows bent some... managed to get back up and then BAM the cramp in the calf!!! It was a doozy... I couldn't even straighten my toes my calf was so cramped up. Rich saw me and came over to help me out as I think I looked like I might crawl out of my skin it hurt so bad. I thought about Kapotasana... I even arched back once... and then I thought I would be really stupid to attempt Kapotasana right now... I can't even stand up from a backbend yet. I have no business attempting Kapotasana... so I didn't. 6 backbends later, I didn't even attempt to stand up... but I did do assisted dropbacks for the first time and they weren't bad... lots of pain in my lower back which means I'm not engaging my legs enough... this is likely a strength issue. What you don't use, you lose... and I've gained about 15 pounds.... time... time....

but...

it was my practice....

and when I was done I felt lovely... I felt like jello.. and I realized how perfect that is... jello... that spongy glistening beautiful slightly shakey feeling right after practice... the yoga high that gets you through the rest of your day.

127.0.0.1

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:42 PM | Comments (5)

November 19, 2006

Loot

Wouldn't it be cool if it were so easy? All the Scooby Snacks your shirt can hold and there is happiness.

Children have the most amazing lessons to teach us!

I didn't work at all this weekend. I can't really remember the last time I didn't work on a weekend at least a little bit. It's a tough realization to come to. The truth is, I feel so disconnected from my current work environment and product that I don't even know which foot to put forward next so I'm loathe to have to go back. I suggested, at dinner tonight, moving to Utah and living a simple life. The Husband reminded me that I can follow my bliss anywhere, he's got Mother Nature to contend with. I suppose it will all work out... just like yoga.

Speaking of, I did go to yoga today. Yesterday was brutal, it was like the worst hangover ever but with no headache. Just really tired from the all nighter. I literally slept for the early afternoon before we had to go to the party (where the loot was). All morning I hemmed and hawed over going but I did go... and it was brutal. I didn't know but one person there today. That was a little wierd in and of itself. It's funny how dependent we become on the energy in the room... the synergy. I spent the entire first part of the practice really not doing well. My chest was going crazy and I couldn't find any comfort. Right after Paschimottanasana, when I do that seated postures weren't going to make any difference, I went into the other room, grabbed a shirt off the rack and quickly changed in the dressing room. It made a huge difference. I think I now have to buy all new yoga tops (well, maybe that's not such a horrible thing).

Rich even helped me do Dwi Pada today. Backbends were okay but I am sorely lacking in arm strength now. It was painful. A journey...

The kids and The Husband are all off this week. I'm the only one that has to work. It's sorta a bummer. The new baby has a name!!! They are home and nursing is going well. Yea for them. I'm still really amazed and full of light from having had the opportunity to help bring him into the world.

Midwives, doctors, nurses, people in the birth field are so lucky... what an amazing gift.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:35 PM | Comments (1)

November 17, 2006

Sleepless Miracle

I've spent most of the week on client site gathering requirements for a very large potential project. The company is paying 10s of thousands for just an analysis of a situation alone so that's sorta the magnitude of the actual project should they decide to go for it.Yesterday was the last requirements meeting and this morning at 10am was the 'initial findings' presentation. I was a bit nervous as I've never done such a technical sales job on my own before and ended up staying up until 12:30am making sure I had a good document to hand out and what I should do. I went to bed about 1am and the next thing I know, the phone is being handed to me and my brother-in-law is telling me that labor has started and they are on the way to this hospital.

I threw on clothes, jumped in the car, glanced at the clock and realize I had no gas. I raced, wondering how far into labor we were, to the gas station, closed... freeway, gast station #2, pump, wait, pump... find hospital and emergency room... wrong building... find labor and delivery, all doors locked. Spy man walking with a bag and two pillows from home... This is a man going to labor and delivery so I tagged along for the walk through winding and wierd halls in the basement of the hospital finally arriving on the wing and with my BIL and SIL.

I never saw sleep again.

Labor was intense and painful for her and around 7cm, 6am this morning, she got an epidural. She slept while I tried desperately to find some type of Internet connection for my laptop in order to send off the materials for the meeting I was clearly going to miss. I felt a bit bad for missing the meeting, I realize how important it was but it's an honor to be asking to help a child come into the world and it's also a rare thing. How many people get to watch every moment of a child being born unless they are nurses or doctors or midwives or doula... or some profession in the birth field. My SIL did an amazing job, pushing only for 45 minutes before this beautiful little boy came into the world. For the first time I got to watch the head progress all the way from when we could just barely see the hairs on the head until it emerged. It's probably an experience I'll never have again.

By noon, the baby was nursing like a pro... grandparents had been in, siblings notified... I was about to pass out, the Pepsi from 4am and the 3 shots of espresso I had at 7 had done their job and I was fading fast. I hadn't slept since 7am the previous day. When I left the baby did not have a name yet but everyone was doing well.

I missed the yogi party tonight... I could barely maintain straight eyesight or move my body let alone socialize. Tomorrow will be catch up on sleep day... the next day will be to figure out what I'm doing at work day.... and then the rat race starts all over again.

I'm starting to believe the rat race sucks...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:57 PM | Comments (5)

November 16, 2006

What's Within

I went to practice this morning. I have another busy day. Yoga for kids at 10, meetings on client site all afternoon. I couldn't make Mysore or Kiran's Mysore at noon so I went to the local club to one of my first ashtanga teachers. I just needed to get on the mat from a physical perspective. If I didn't, I'd wind up more sore... I needed to keep up with my body... but it wasn't easy. Sun Salutations were really hard for me today and my side (side of breast) was really hurting. The teacher told me I was binding incorrectly... I still have no idea what he was telling me to do, something about binding low around the base of the toe and that I was pulling on my toe... at this point, I am just not even concentrating on minute details (not sure I ever thought about it that hard either but...). He also made mention for me "not to bend my elbows" in Prasarita C. The funny thing is, I don't bend my elbows and most people that have instructed me know that my elbows are bent, the bone is bent... Tim has a name for this and he's actually demonstrated it in two teacher trainings I've been in. He's had me extend my arm alongside his and he gives it a name. I've heard this "don't bend your elbows" before and usually people don't believe that I'm not doing it on purpose. You can see it quite well actually in this picture:

Those aren't bent, that's just how my arm is.

I love when people tell me "just work out your lower body" or "asana is just one limb on the path of yoga." Yea. First, until you've gone through a mobility limiting operation such as the one I have undergone, you have no idea how every little movement has an impact on your upper body. Bandhas only go so far and, to some extent, we use the muscles in our trunk to maintain stability. Even doing the stair master, impact on the trunk of the body, it's how you stand up straight. It's sorta like the person who can grab their ankles on their first try at a backbend, they'll never understand what it feels like to arch up and groan in pain...

And sure, I could NOT do asana... but, let's face it, I haven't been doing asana for 4 months and, well, the body needs some physical exercise... I have yet to find something, aside from asana, I will consistently do. Selfish? The paragraph above explains why I don't think it will matter what I choose to do as a physical activity. The body is a whole, the impact of my surgery is on the whole and, as a whole, I have to overcome it... in time (or not).

Interestingly enough, backbending felt okay today... in fact, on the last one, I rocked and brought my hands off the floor. I was too scared to try and stand up but I probably could have had I done a few more backbends.

Yoga, asana, practice is not an effortless, mindless, exercise of the internal state for me. Today, tomorrow and probably for a few months, yoga is a physical experience where I feel every single last bump in the road, where I have to wonder if I'm doing damage to myself, where I have to wonder what the feeling is indicative of (pain, edge, general stretch). It's okay that that's what yoga is for me today... it won't be forever...

I guess I am on a soapbox... I'll stand down now.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:17 PM | Comments (3)

November 15, 2006

Illuminated

I had to be on client site at 8am this morning... big huge deal... requirements analysis, gap analysis document, presentation, million bucks in the balance. It's all so stressful. The thing I'm finding I don't like about this billable hour nonsense is that, to bill 8 hours a day, I have to work more than 8 hours a day. I think that sucks. I think I'm about over it. My bonus is tied to my billable hour quotient but, frankly, I'm over the bonus too.

I think it is probably a good thing I didn't practice today... as time has moved on, my body has gotten progressively more sore. I hurt in places you can't imagine... like a long narrow space between my spine and shoulder blade or the space in the indentation of my front shoulder... my hamstrings, holy cow...

I decided to walk to school to pick up the kids today so we could walk home. They always want to do it but, usually, time is of the essence and we just don't. It was a gloriously beautiful day outside, leaves falling on top of my head as I walked, sun shining down warming the skin and a nice crisp feeling to the air after the recent sprinkling... as I began to climb the fairly steep hill to get to the school my hamstrings decided to simply give out... At moments I felt like I could barely walk. We had a wonderful walk home though, the son explained egg fertilization to me, The Daughter found some lovely leaves with pods in them (picture on the right), we stomped on the fallen brown leaves.

I wish I didn't have to work.

I took this picture in The Daughter's class today... she's positively illuminated in knowledge. This is so her.. It is now one of my favorite pictures of her. She's amazing.

And, my little boy (who apparently knows all about how eggs are fertilized with sperm):

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:02 PM | Comments (1)

November 14, 2006

Sweet Pain

I got up with the alarm clock this morning even though practice is later. Not only do I need to retrain my body but I had an early morning demo of a small project I've been working on. The demo crashed and burned... I had been working on it late last night and didn't have all the pieces together... it's okay, I still got the compliment of being "freaking brilliant" (with the caveat that those words came from someone in legal... I'm a legal star... the jury is still out on how well I will do with the consulting gig).

I drove through the horrid traffic to make it to Mysore. It is raining here in Southern California afterall. Practice was different... the vibe is so different each time I come back... it's like finding your way to the perfect spot again. My body was sore today. Not so sore that I couldn't walk like the first time but sore nonetheless. For Trivikurmasana (after Utthita) Tim came to help me and he said "Sore today?" I said "Yes" and he said "That's the sweet pain." I could only snicker back at him as I determined how much I bought into that theory. About Navasana I debated giving up and calling it a day... but, as in times past, when I get to Navasana I see the rest of first being a joy ride so I figured I should just finish. I decided to do Dwi Pada before Supta K again today and I was surprised to find that not only was my leg cranked back by Rich but that he walked away and I held it on my own for a good 10 breaths... I could have held it longer but I figured Supta K was waiting for me... and, interesting for me, I bound and it was not that big a deal. The hips don't budge... it's the stamina and twists this time... those are gonna be a bitch to get back.. oh and backbends... gruesome backbending! :)

I know it will only be a short time before I feel at home again in the studio, before the faces blur and common again, before my practice doesn't feel like an exercise in pain awareness and management (I'm in constant state of remembrance over the little sign in the recovery room at the hospital -- which only Lauren will know about -- the one with the faces for you to rate your pain level) and before it just feels like the everyday part of my life it has always been.... oh and when I stop eating like a pig and drinking like I'm 20.

P.S. to dear K... read the archives for today.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:57 PM | Comments (2)

November 13, 2006

127.0.0.1

I am now mixing yoga with techno geek-dom talk. If you don't know what the title means, you just aren't geek enough :)

Let me start this post with the famous "aren't they all lame ashtanga bloggers" complaint: This morning my alarm clock went off. I considered not getting up, I felt so tired when I realized that I had forgotten to set the alarm clock for daylight savings (since, afterall, I haven't used it in that long)... so I fumbled and stressed for the next hour, in and out of sleep, that I wouldn't fall asleep because I didn't want to miss practice.

Next thing I knew, it was 6:27. It's probably a good thing that I didn't have time for a cup of coffee... the caffeine would have just made me feel better than I was. It was wierd to be back at the studio... different energy than I remember it being. Maybe it was just me. The noble Casey Palmer was in attendance and this girl from New York and a couple people I didn't recognize. I said my invocation and I started my sun salutations.. and I did a practice. It wasn't my practice. My practice has mindfulness and mindlessness. It's a state of being, it's a warm blanket and it's the path home. Today's practice was an exercise and I don't mean just the physical kind.

I don't know how I felt for the rest of the day. A little bit wierd actually... physically more than anything.

I came to the grinding realization today that it is halfway through November.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:09 PM | Comments (7)

November 12, 2006

Why I Need Ashtanga

The sleepover last night was fun. The girls stayed up til 9.... then got up at 2:30. I woke up, after just having fallen asleep, to their whispers... They continued for around an hour before I finally threatened: "Stop talking and sleep or I sleep between you two!" That worked.

I worked today. I feel like I'm behind but I'm not sure why. With this big deal looming on the horizon, I need to get the other engagements done and out the door. I hope this isn't consistent. I'm trying to give benefit of the doubt because one of them was the pick-up I did when I first started. We shall see.

I made a big pot of turkey chili tonight. I love to cook with music and a glass of wine. I decided to forgo the glass of wine with the idea that tomorrow would be practice. I need to remind myself what that means. I was pondering this tonight in my bath when I realized that the demands of ashtanga are the exact reason why the practice resonates with me. I'm way too close to the edge of "Well, what the hell." In other words, lacking in discipline.

After my bath I had a nice long talk with The Son. He asked to just chat but didn't know what to talk about. After my insane ideas he told me he really wanted to talk about Super Mario Brothers (the original) so we talked about all the levels and how to do them and the characters and I taught him what an Easter Egg is (if you aren't geek enough to know what one is, I'll give you a hint: The easter bunny in this case is not fuzzy with big floppy ears.) I told him I'm going to ask Santa to bring me the Lego Mindstorms NXT brick (I don't know who I'm supposed to ask this of since, technically, I am Santa) so we can share it. In Vegas I met this smart Microsoft dude who did a whole presentation around the old Mindstorm. He sorta threw down the challenge of finding a way to make them talk via webservices or something. There's a Visual Studio (i.e., my programming language) extension for the brick. I'm just geek enough to have considered it. When I was telling The Son about this he came up with an idea that would be pretty cool.

I need to find my alarm clock... it's been that long since I've used it.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:29 PM | Comments (6)

November 11, 2006

Sparkles & Shrieks

Blog? Yoga? What have I become?

A great question with only one answer "It's a journey... you haven't become, you won't become.. you just are."

Yea, right, whatever ;)

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Train of Thought

I had my first big potential million dollar sales call Friday. Freaky. Not that I don't get it (well sorta) but, man, what if I did screw up... wouldn't that suck!?

I feel like I've bruised a rib. I have no idea how. It's not like I've done anything athletic but the left lower rib cage is really tender and sore to the stretch or touch.

I dread the thought of yoga. I dread the thought of the alarm going off at 6am. I dread having to figure out how to fit yoga back into my life.

I dread how much weight I've gained, how listless I feel, how lethargic and unhealthy and how completely spun out of control without yoga to ground me.

I took The Daughter shoe shopping today. I ran into one of the girls from the studio there. She seemed to have no issues buying $100 shoes for her girls... We've always done Target shoes... but today my goal was to convince The Daughter to get some UGG boots. She loves to wear boots but hates to wear socks and, well, I have to tell you, it's horrid that smell. It took trying on just about every pair of shiny, sparkly, over the top shoe in Nordstrom before I finally convinced her to go for these babies:

Granted, I, too, spent $100 on her shoes but Lord help me that I don't have to smell that stench again and it will be well worth every dollar.

The boys left this morning for a Yguides campout... so I called one of the The Daughter's friends and invited her over for a sleepover. It's our first one. Girls are so different. Shrieks, yells, clothes, dancing, shrieking, hair brushing... it's so girly.

I owe so many people emails... I suck I know but I'm really crazy right now. Sitting in front of a computer usually means my laptop crunching out code and trying to make sure I know what the hell I'm talking about when I walk in for those huge deals. It's not horrible but leaves little time for the playthings I used to have.

Yoga ... Monday...

I think.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:46 PM | Comments (2)

November 7, 2006

Light, Sound, Inaction

I'm not into Vegas. I haven't gone anywhere except between my hotel and the conference and, honestly, I have no desire to. This place is insanity. First, it's horrendously expensive. Vegas used to be a deal, so I hear but it isn't anymore. It's smokey, my eyes are bothering me. It takes ten years to walk anywhere and they force you through the smokey casino floor where they berate you with lights and sounds and girls in really, really, really short dresses (apparently you get free drinks when you are gambling!). I looked at some shows last night but, for the most part, they are all booked pretty much to the not worth it seats. I *nearly* brought myself to CIODude's Star Trek experience but it is too far away for me. Shopping appears to be all the same stores as at the malls.

I'm also not into yoga. Haven't practiced. Can't find the motivation. I guess it gives me more heeling time. In some ways it seems like a big huge hill to climb. I need to gather the horses to help climb it.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:38 PM | Comments (2)

High Quality

Today we were given the news that The Son's teacher is pregnant with her second child. I've heard it before, the teacher is pregnant and so they work part of the year and the remainder of the year the child is with a "long-term substitute." It's never bothered me before, teachers have babies... but then it happens to your kid. I don't want to be upset. I want her to love motherhood and kids and have her own and I get the absolute requirement to be home and I encourage that.... but I'm also a mom who worries about her child and so I feel conflicted. I know it will be fine...

Today is Vegas was not what I suppose Vegas is for most people. I got up at 7, went to conference, turned down something at work that I didn't want to do. I want to say "Well this was completely unreasonable and it's okay to turn it down" but to some degree I feel like I'm not a team player. On the other, I'm really proud of myself for not taking on something that would take me every waking moment from now til Wednesday at noon. I'm here for a conference, for work, and that's work enough. We'll see if it bites me in the ass.

I didn't practice today. I intended to but

Excuse 1: I hate practicing in hotel rooms
Excuse 2: The gym costs $25 just to walk into it
Excuse 3: It's winter so the whole pool area isn't open which didn't leave anywhere to private practice in the warm hot sun
Excuse 4: Las Vegas is not intended to be a place where people actually work out anything other than faith, luck and their drinking arm so, unlike most hotels, there was nowhere except my room to practice
Excuse 5: See excuse 1
(Programming 101: never lock yourself into an endless loop)

I had dinner with a couple coworkers. At dinner one said "By the way, you don't exist, we never had dinner." When I said "What I'm a coworker!" He said that his wife is really possessive and that he doesn't mention any female even if they are with him professionally. I felt sorta mad and sad and frustrated by that. Certainly not the first time I've heard it but definitely still one of those things that I just don't get..

Then I came back to my room, tin canned and ate a Mounds bar.

Discipline: Come out, come out wherever you are.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:53 AM | Comments (4)

November 6, 2006

Vegas... Baby?

Saturday night The Husband and I got to go out to a party that a girl from the studio was having. It was a lovely party and her house is fabulous! It literally has a TREE growing in the middle of it. It's this amazing architectural digest type house. Totally funky too. Perfect old Encinitas. The Husband and I met this guy that does mindfulness awarness training I guess. Something like that. It brought up this conversation with The Husband and I about the whole counseling thing and we both agree that it's all about awareness.

I flew to Vegas tonight. I have no interest in Vegas. This place is an abuse of light and sound. It took me like 45 minutes to figure out how to get from one hotel to the one a few blocks away. I took elevators, escalators, walkways, a tram... It was like trying to find your way out of a maze. Literally.

I have absolutely no desire to even look at a gambling table. The people are the best part. Too bad it isn't okay to simply stare. There's every make, model, dress, look, feel of people in Vegas. It's a wierd place.

I think I could see the appeal if I were 25, single and out with a group of girlfriends or maybe a cool boyfriend.

It takes, literally, 5 minutes to walk from the nearest elevator to my room. A man I passed on one of my trips out said "This is the hallway that never ends!" as he passed.

It will be an interesting few days I guess. I really just want to find somewhere to practice. I couldn't see a "gym" here. I'm pretty sure that's not on the forefront of people's minds here. My room has a pretty cool setup though so I can practice in here and blast the heater.

I had this revelation the other night about Ashtangi.NET. I had and have been debating not taking on anymore blogs. There comes a point when you have so many blogs that you actually have to do a lot of administration around spam. Big companies like Wordpress or Blogger likely have people dedicated to such feats. I feel like we are at the point where I actually have to pay attention to the site frequently instead of once every now and again. It's not even really the time though but the realization that the easiest way to solve it led me to think about doing my own server. It's really where the site is at as far as blog hosting goes. That's a huge committment and I don't just mean time-wise. As I began to think about it I really started to think about the committment of hosting someone else's blog/journal/thoughts/words and how much I would worry if something happened to them under my watch. So there's that :)

The one cool thing about Vegas? In Vegas, you can order Duvel to your hotel room!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:08 AM | Comments (6)

November 3, 2006

Share The World

My body finally feels somewhat better today. I'm not grimacing with each movement and the idea of doing something physical is starting to sound reasonably good again. This time I will not overdo it. (Note: I firmly believe I will break this oath but I say it anyway with good intention).

So, since I've been dealing with all this comment spam, I was looking through hit logs today. I very rarely do that but it was interesting because the third hit in the keyword analysis was on a person's name. Now I've debating posting this person's name because the hit was on the full name itself and, yes, it is in a post somewhere in the 3 or 4 years of archives on this blog (FOUR years..that's pretty cool.. actually almost 5 I think). The first hit was from a mid-west state and the latter ones were all from a state on the east coast. If it is you, himself, Hey! How's it going!!???

It got me thinking about this person and the life experiences I had around him. It's cool because there's just totally this impression of always having a safe, good and wild time. There was never any real relationship bullshit or long term committments or anything, from either side. There are some amazing firsts that can happen when you have that sort of really open, free environment between two people. I emphasize the word safe because, though I've had a lot of really cool and wild experiences, there are good number of those I wouldn't characterize as safe. Too many times when, in my youth, I put myself in some really stupid, stupid places. While, on the one hand I fear that for my kids, I also know that, someday, it will be their version of it. I hope I can hang on to the tangible reminders of that feeling so I don't forget when we get there.

It's funny how just a hit on a blog can make one have a checkpoint for the future.

I had my first solo client meeting today. I didn't even feel any pressure. I knew how to handle it, what had to be done, I was in command and control. It was really cool. I loved it.

The kids "miracuously" both "finished" being sick around 1pm this afternoon. They've been bouncing off the walls ever since. I don't doubt that they were sick but I do believe they got tired of all that SpongeBob (we have a "however much TV you want rule" when they are sick, they are not normally allowed to watch TV except on Wednesdays and weekends -- or any media actually). It was both fun and frustrating to be a part of.

Marshalls... you can always shoot an email blog at facing inward dot org.

Yoga... tomorrow... on my own. No Dwi Pada.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:35 PM | Comments (0)

Boring Site Award

I'm not a web designer. There's this misnomer that web developers and web designers are one in the same. They aren't. I can develop applications for the web but I simply can't create a nice design. It's like graphics and artistic and all that... So I've been working on this demo I have to do tomorrow for an application but the other half of the gig is the architecture, design component. I don't think I'm expected to do the design but it's really hard to prototype with a blah looking website. So after getting the actual business process development done, it was time to at least make it look as cool as it was... when I showed it to The Husband he said "Uh, that's really boring looking." It only made me realize how little respect a lot of web designers are. That should be a full-time job for most companies, not the sidekick Photoshop job someone like me is trying to do.

I had some wierd professional things go down this week. Not with me personally though my name got kicked around the water cooler during a lot of the discussions. I hate when wierd things happen professionally. I'd rather just hum along. I still really have no idea if I know what I'm doing... what I'm working on now I can handle but it also feels like a lot of pressure to have to deliver a functional application in a day and walk away. If you have to walk back, while possible, you've done screwed up.

So I haven't practiced yoga again. Last night in bed I had to decide if attempting to roll over was worth the pain in the abs I haven't seen in forever. Every movement today has been one of sheer awareness of the pain stemming through my muscles. Come on, you all know that feeling! Too hard, too fast... What was I thinking doing Dwi Pada!? :) It's all well and good though because I couldn't have gone to practice anyway. I got one kid home who has had a fever since Halloween, the other with a fever this morning and, I, myself have pink eye apparently. Tomorrow doesn't have any chance of being much better... I doubt either will be better by then.

I'm going to Vegas next week. No ashtanga there that I could find. Hotel practice. I've never been to Vegas for more than a few hours so it will be interesting. I know a bunch of people that will be there for the conference so I'm sure I'll wind up here and there. I don't like to gamble though so I can't imagine what I'll do. If I were not a mother, I'd pack up and the car and drive out there. I love road trips. Music on (and now with an iPod that would be an awesome four hour drive!)... Road trips. Sadly, road trips often mean you have the time to drive. It's an 8 hour trip vs. a 2 hour trip. With two kids and two full-time jobs, the road trip will probably not be seen again for at least as long as it's been since I saw it last.

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I didn't mean, by my last posting, that I would up and abandon the blogs on Ashtangi.NET. Comment spam happens everywhere but the one thing that big corporations that host blogs have is control. They own their own servers and whatnot. It's much harder when you have to fight with your webhost. Anyway, I've been thinking about porting Ashtangi.NET to a Sharepoint platform. The other day I was thinking how silly it is that I spend hours of everyday developing on the platform and yet Ashtangi.NET is DNN. It takes time so it will be awhile. I would, of course, help anyone hosted here to move to a free site if they wanted. I don't have any plans to do that for right now.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:22 AM | Comments (2)

November 2, 2006

Hosting Woes

So comment spam has attached Ashtangi.NET again. I may end up not hosting blogs anymore. The overhead and cost is getting extravagant. I love to do it but with TypePad out there now, it's really free MoveableType and it makes no sense to pay hundreds of dollars just to stop spam if it doesn't have to be my problem. I will keep you posted!

So, commenting is down right now. Of course, you can always ping me at blog at facinginward dot org ... pressing issues come out of this blog you know.

News of the day:

Holy mother of God... I can't move. Every single square inch of my body feels as if it got picked with a small vice. Everytime I get up it is only worse. I may break in half by tomorrow.

YC called to check on my practice today! How sweet of her... unfortunately she called 5 minutes before my very first client call (that I was leading) so I was distracted, rushed and didn't get to talk long.

My entire family is getting sick. My eye is driving me crazy which I assume is pink eye. The Daughter is sick, The Son is getting sick... it's not far away for me.

But, please all things Godly, I'm going to Vegas for the first time ever (punk ass bitch's wedding not counting because I didn't do anything in Vegas that time) on Monday and I don't want to be sick... or have a replay of my last tech conference....

I will not get sick.

I will not get sick.

Manifest, manifest, manifest.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:25 AM | Comments (0)

November 1, 2006

Ashtangi.NET COMMENTS

Yes, they are not working... I am working on them..sorry... we had a mass comment spam on the host today that I have to resolve. I hate comment spam.

P.S. Next day... ouch! ouch! Muscles where?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:37 PM | Comments (11)

The Walkway

I was debating which picture to use for my blog post tonight. Like a picture speaks a thousand words. I realized, while deciding, that this one really was the best one. It didn't speak a thousand words about anything I really wanted to talk about but it did breathe life into the place that it all happens.

Let's face it, I'm in m home at least 90% of my life. It's odd when you start to think this way. The majority of people spend the majority of their lives away from the place they call home... but I don't. I'm home all day. I rarely, if ever, leave my home. I have no need to. I even have a whole slew of clothes that I would "only wear while I'm at home." It's not that they are horrible, just pathetically, "loungewear."

The Son asked me today if I was really the Candy Fairy. I told him "Come on! If I was The Candy Fairy, you wouldn't get such expensive toys!" He said, "Yea I guess you're right!"

The Candy Fairy delivered, according to the most recent wish list she received... a Clone Trooper Lego set that has like 5,000 pieces (yea, think about where all those 5,000 pieces are going to end up!!!) and a Barnes & Noble gift certificate, complete with a letter, hand done with Microsoft Publisher, it read "From The Desk of the Candy Fairy. Dear The Son, I didn't know which Sonic the Hedgehog game guide you wanted. I found Sonic Riders and Sonice Adventures and so, to be sure you get what you want, here's this Barnes & Noble gift card." or a.k.a. Mommy got the letter at 2:00pm this afternoon and couldn't find the book you were talking about!

So, tonight this was the walkway to my house. Samhain 2006 was much different than any other Samhain we've had and this is likely why the idea of being home so much started brewing. For the first time in 8 years, we didn't have company to our house for Halloween. When I say company I mean that normally I am cooking some big huge Ancestor feast (Samhain, a celebration of our ancestors and I usually require that anyone attending bring a dish created by their ancestors or a picture and some wonderful story they can tell while we are eating!)... I love that shit... so I was a little wierded out by not having to do it this year. But in a year of firsts, today I practiced yoga for the first time in 3 months, I had not a single guest over for Samhain, The Husband and myself took the kids trick-or-treating TOGETHER (you single people have no idea who difficult a feat this is or what a gift it is), The Nanny manned the door while we were gone and then took the kids trick-treating some more.

Ways in which this Samhain was no different than most others:

The Daughter.. sick again. Woke up at 7... headache, slight fever. I Motrin'd (head hung with shame) it out of her during the day because I got tired of listening to her talk about her head hurting. I suck. Motrin'd her again because, come on, the child already missed her first school parade, the Halloween party in the classroom and her brother in the school play Halloweiner.... It's not like I couldn't let her go trick-or-treating.

My sister came by this afternoon... the kids were so petrified by her unreal costume, that they literally would NOT go near her to take this picture:


and this is my amazing handsome little boy:


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So, yoga... yea... yoga. I wasn't going to go... moon and all... but I decided that if I didn't go, I was very likely to let go of that loose string that has been dangling there for the last 3 months... that little last part of the string that was keeping me from falling into the sloth abyss. I was close... and I knew that if I didn't just go back, on the day I had told myself for 3 months, everyday... that I would just give up... and so I went.

I got there before Kiran but Alex, another Mysore style practitioner at the health club had already started. I was just sorta freaked out as I unrolled my mat that hasn't been out of its bag since New York and AYNY... and Kathy and Gus and John. 3 of the most wonderful souls on the planet. Truly.

I said the invocation like twice I think. I wasn't sure the first time I had actually done it right. It's been so long.

And then it wasn't long.. it was wierd. I mean I've tried a couple times to do chatarunga at home and it just wasn't going to happen and, yet, when I start sun salutations I was able to do it modified by just using my elbows to carry some weight. The only thing that really bothered me was first, Prasarita C.... Kiran asked if I wanted help and it was such an edge that I said no. I persisted... it's not like it hurt, it just felt like some place I hadn't seen in a long time. I went really super slowly... like 15 breaths and I asked "How far away am I?" It was sorta the same situation as when I've gotten my tattoos... I just need to know where we are in the session... I got an hour, okay, I'm prepared now... I got 15 minutes... okay let some juice out. Kiran said "An inch..." and I pushed just a bit further... I never felt pain..some stretch... no pain.... no edge. In fact, I was able to do things I just assumed were long gone. My binds were all finger to finger... I didn't push them at all... I didnt' even try... but Hanumanasana, it was there... didn't even feel it really.... it wasn't an arm balance... but, oh... twists... those aren't going to happen for a really long time. Each surgery has held some new thing for me to overcome and this one is twists. I could barely twist. I managed to pull off Mari A and D... C felt horrible ( always worse for me than D by the way).... Twists.... Pasasana... long time coming.

I pulled off an entire primary series. In fact, I even pulled off Dwi Pada today. I had planned to stop at Navasana but, when I got there, it wasn't so bad.... so I went on. My first attempt at Bhujapindasana was funny. I literally fell out of it, I couldn't get my feet through period. My second attempt, I did the cheat method which is putting your feet down, putting your head down, lifting your feet up and reversing on the way out.... but that wasn't so bad. I was surprised to see ground in Kurmasana. I couldn't lift my heels though. So I sat up and thought, I should just see what Dwi Pada felt like. If Kurmasana wasn't that bad... so I sat up... and the left side went pretty easily behind the head and Kiran asked if I wanted help....

and I thought about it.... I even thought about it for a minute... and then I said yes... because I couldn't detect and "edge".... and it was nice... She got me into Dwi Pada... now if she had left, I probably would have fallen over... I didn't have the bandhas to keep myself upright, but she helped me down and we very gently got me bound... and then I had her put my legs over my neck again... and it worked... for like a split second and then I literally fell back on my mat and closed my eyes to a series of beautiful stars.

I heard "Yea, Supta Kurmasana, it can do that to you."

I always love when a teacher, any teacher, gives you some semblance into the feeling of their own struggle through a series... it's an interesting revelation about your own practice.

Badha Konasana was probably the worst of all the poses for me other than twists. I literally said Oh Shit out loud... and that, my friends, had nothing to do with my breasts... all hips...

I pulled off 3 backbends... they were painful in the heart and soul... and really tight physically.

I have been debating practice tomorrow... but I can feel my entire body tightening up and The Daughter is likely going to wear off the Motrin at midnight.. and then spend tomorrow sick as a dog.... the life of a parent.. it always comes back to a yoga of service and love... bhakti.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:26 AM | Comments (4)