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September 30, 2006
Nu Shu
My legs don't go straight anymore.
The beauty in this is the humility of realization. The next time you look at a person in the room struggling and think, with your ego, "Oh someday they'll get there if they just did this and this and this...", stop and remember that you are blessed.
I finished my last days with The Law Firm. Sorta anti-climactic really. I mean, in the end, I pushed myself to get this project done and it didn't get done and what can I do. Nothing.
After the last requirements (demo'ing the current state of said project to the management of the firm), I met up with my friend, C, for a beer (or two) :) The Husband and I went to Sushi On the Rock for dinner. We sat at the sushi bar and THe Husband tried stuff he hasn't tried before. Then we got in an argument. It wasn't horrible, just not fun.
Today was the first day in as long as I can remember that I didn't feel like I had "all this stuff" to do. It was just regular life and I didn't have stress. I cleaned up my closet, I removed all the "old stuff" from The Law Firm from my office, I read a book!
I took The Kids to Cold Stone tonight. That was fun. They love when I take them to the stuff we don't normally do. Sometimes I feel like I sold out but mostly I just think of it as everything in moderation.
The Son, however, is upset with us because we won't allow the clone trooper gun with his Halloween costume. We've given on a lot of things but this just isn't something I can give on. I told him he could save all his allowance and buy it himself, he could use it that evening but then it went away. He didn't like that idea. It tells me that he really doesn't want it just for Halloween, he wants to play with it as a toy.
Tonight I'm gonna read some more. :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:04 PM | Comments (1)
September 27, 2006
Can't Be Life
I can't even imagine having the time to actually have a life that included a two hour yoga practice. Let's face it, since I started this job, I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Never have enough time to get the work done, always a mad dash for "the next demo" but never fully manifested as an application. It's like a permanent prototyping job... not bad, actually would be a fun job. The problem is the expectation is that all these prototypes are applications. I just keep thinking "Well, it cant get any worse than this. The contract says 40 hours." 40 HOURS that's how far life has come. I can remember not working more than 20 hours a week... it sucks to grow up.
I didn't finish my project. No one better than me would have either. The specifications were getting changed nearly daily... literally up to yesterday. You can't nail a moving target in software. I'm willing myself not to pull an all nighter. I shouldn't pull an all-nighter. I have no obligation to.
Then I start to wonder, well, shit, could someone actually have done it? Am I just spending too much time figuring out shit?
I guess, playing in the big leagues, I'll soon find out.
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The Son was adorable the other day in class. I have some pictures but haven't uploaded them yet. No time... I'm taking the entire weekend off. I can't tell you the last time I took the entire weekend off. Life HAS to get better than this.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:10 PM | Comments (0)
September 25, 2006
What Was I Thinking?
Blog... I think I have discovered how someone can be just completely indifferent to all the reasons why it's bad for you. It could be anything really... chocolate, carbs, alcohol, illegal drugs, protein, meat, sugar, etc., etc. Why not.
Saturday I went to the Padres game with The Daughter. We took the train down, she and her little friend. Girls are SOOOO different than boys. It was like a girly girl girl thing. I so get the boy "eh, cool dude, I made this thing on the computer do this or that" better than the "omg look at my boots and hair" thing. Don't get me wrong, it's great fun, it's just sorta outside my real of understanding.
We went from the Coaster to the troller... as we were standing there a young kid (so young that he was definitely legal but young enough that I thought "Here's this young kid...") says to me "Man, you got your hands full!" At one point I bribed the girls.. I told them "Okay, that's it, you show me how good of listeners you can be and how quiet and I'll get you a special treat at the game." The young man says "Bribery, eh?" Caught... red handed.
I told him to call me in 10 years when he's a parent... I bet he resorts to bribery. We all do.
The game was good, I guess. The girls watched all of it but I basically had some beers and ate, yes, you are going to hear me say it... a hot dog. WHAT has become of me!!! The girls even stayed awake for the fireworks (and the gang fight) AND getting pulled over by the police (oh and while waiting for the coaster to get to the game, a young hoodlum skateboarder *rolls eyes* who said the F word at the security guard and was threatened with arrest). I wasn't driving :) My friend Strangel came back to the house and we stayed up til 2 in the jacuzzi and drinking more.
I paid for it yesterday. But, heck, on the bright side, I no longer have yoga to worry about.
Very telling isn't that?
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The Son gets to earn "opportunities" in his classroom. He finally got his first one this week. He chose to read to any other class in the school... and he chose to read to his sister's class. We're very excited that he would choose such a thing. He really wanted it to be a surprise for her so I emailed his teachers and explained how hard he was working to earn he oportunity and that he really wanted The Daughter not to know about it. Tomorrow morning at 8:30 he gets to do it. I'd really love to be able to bring the camera and catch her expression but that would make the expression totally different. Somewhere technology can't go.
Happy Tuesday Practice ya'all.. enjoy it even if you don't want to.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:10 PM | Comments (6)
September 22, 2006
Humility
I sat tonight in Supta Virasana. As I lay there, realizing that my knees were not coming together. I lamented over the pose. A pose that I've never "felt" and even never got the adjustment because it just didn't make it feel any different for me. I felt some anger at the inability of my body and then just a sudden rush of revelation. It hurt. That's where it hurt. That's where I should be. It doesn't matter that I can't bind or twist or, heck, stretch but the journey through it is as valid here as it was when I could.
I've been pretty nervous about the job change. I'm starting to feel just ever so very, very slightly that I might be okay. A person from a big law firm on the East Coast told my new boss that they were lucky to get one of the "brightest stars" in the, and likely any, industry. That's sorta cool. I found out later that this in part due to references from well respectedpeople in the industry. (I wondered where that email about sports came up!) I've talked to my new boss on IM a bit and he seems really cool. I'm still somewhat freaked but I'm feeling less crazy about it. I was seriously considering drugs for a few days there :)
The Husband and I are status quo at the moment. Given the job change The Professional is going to go bye-bye and we'll have to find someone else. One of the biggest problems in American health care ... you get whatever doctors are on your particular health care plan, regardless of your health history, treatment history or personal preference.
My girlfriend, Strangel, is meeting The Daughter and I at the Padres game tomorrow night. My sister has a skybox so it should be fun for The Daughter. She's REALLY looking forward to it. Here little friend is coming with us and, at some point, they'll wheel this big huge rolling refridgerator and freezer. On top is this big huge display of the various desserts they have. Some are prepackaged and others they make fresh there... The girls are really excited as you can imagine. Last year I passed since I had practice in the morning. This year I think I'll get something really horrible for me. I mean, afterall, the timer is ticking before discipline sets in again.
Let's face it, I don't have any at the moment. :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:47 PM | Comments (1)
September 21, 2006
Monkey Moves - The Update
I was pretty upset last night but committed to the path of no action. This morning when I went to drop off The Daughter I popped my head in to ask the teacher whether I should plan on teaching still. She hadn't read the email. I explained briefly the contents and she told me we were still doing it, that she would send the little girl to the class next door doing it and for me not to worry about it.
I was happy but worried and I was standing waiting for The Daughter's bell to ring, another parent came up to me and said "Are you teaching yoga today, that's going to be great!" I saw the parent who sent the email look at me and I started to sweat. I just really wanted to avoid confrontation.
While it's easy to hold your head high and argue the path of your righteousness, when you are dealing with your public school system you do have to be very sensitive. There is a reason if you do a search on yoga and public school you'll get a big huge list of links regarding lawsuits. It isn't limited to yoga, the same thing would happen if you did a search on Halloween and public schools. Quite frankly, I had visions of becoming one of those links and I'm just too crazy with my own life to deal with this kind of thing. Moreover, their viewpoint is valid. It's theirs and therefore valid. I don't agree with it and I certainly don't agree with their arguments regarding Hinduism, yoga or the effect thereof on their practice of Christianity but what I think doesn't really matter.
As I was entering the school, the mother was walking out. I was nervous so I just avoided her and went and talked to the teacher. I gave her the recommendation another Ashtangi gave me of calling the class "Monkey Moves" and she loved that. I asked if it was okay to do the visualization at the end.
The kids seemed really excited when they came into the classroom. It was a class of 19 so a lot bigger than I'm used to. It was fun. They got a little crazy as all kids do but, all in all, fun. Another parent helper was there and she was great. She helped me do the Dhanurasana (which I called bow) swing and helped some of the kids with the poses. As I get to learn their names and what they are capable of, I'll do a lot more assisting. I was surprised at how many boys could do a full wheel! WOW... I didn't even have to help them.
When I got home there was a very nice email from the parent. She apologized for the inflammatory tone of her first email and explained that she respects not everyone agrees, that I was trying to do something fun for the class and that they just prefer their child not participate. I completely respected that. I responded and explained that while I don't agree with her view of Hinduism that I can agree yoga originated as a spiritual practice. I explained that asana is not necessarily the path of yoga, just one aspect of it and that one can choose to practice asana without any spiritual connection. It is a choice to study yoga. I explained that in my classes I do not teach philosophy, that I do animal poses, etc. I invited her to come watch a class and I told her that I completely respect her position if she chose not to.
So, I feel much better and we are planning on continuing the classes. Hooray.
Thanks for all your responses.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:32 PM | Comments (8)
September 20, 2006
Right Action
On the 8 Fold Path there is the idea of right action. Sometimes right action comes from non-action.
I'm scheduled to teach yoga in The Daughter's kindergarten class. Every Thursday. I am supposed to start tomorrow. Earlier today I got to thinking about sending out an email asking parents to put them in comfortable clothing. I didn't ask the teacher whether I should do this, I just did it.
I got a bunch of really great responses back. Ranging from "Thank you for helping our kids." to "I can't wait for Little X to learn about yoga." But then I got The One.
The One is something or, in this case, an email that I read and thought "Here's the opportunity to grow. Here's the opportunity to want to say something and the best option is to just let it go, it is what it si." The email itself basically explained the origns of yoga to me and their belief that it goes against everything their own religion teaches them, that they are raising their daughter in the tenets of that religion and prefer her not to participate. I'm assuming this means the whole class will not be able to do it because, as a parent, I understand that you cannot ostrichize a child like that. I'm sad about that. I know The Daughter will be sad too.
I've considered, however, why the parents sent that email to me and did not deal with the teacher directly. Something about it kinda bothered me. When I thought about how I'd feel if they wanted to teach a Bible Study class (which I do think is different but for sake of argument let's use it), I respected it but thought I would have taken that to the teacher choosing to remove any tinge of "issue" with the other parents of a child in The Daughter's class. The teacher would not have to let me know which parent declined, just that it had happened. There was one line in the email which I felt really summed up why they sent the email. It's the only part of the email I will directly quote: "It [Yoga] is little more than self-worship disguised as a high level of spirituality." That line made me feel icky.
Clearly, in this situation, the appropriate response is for me to simply do nothing. The teacher can let me know if she would still like yoga in her classroom (which I highly doubt would be possible, the fear of a lawsuit would be far too great) and the rest is up to whatever is supposed to happen. Yet, there's this part of me that has sat and thought of responses. Good and bad ones, selfish and defensive ones, pure ones and ones that were probably somewhere in between.
But the real truth is that what's going to happen is... my place is to recognize that the right action is no action.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:41 PM | Comments (17)
September 18, 2006
Officially Freaking Out
I have so many personal messages and emails I have to get out... quite frankly I've been too busy to even consider reading personal emails or blogging. So, before I get on to the blog:
MN girl --- lovely, lovely, personal, intimate, amazing email... I have read it and I need to read it again and respond... I want to be able to really sit and hear your words.
V - thank you for checking on me.. you rock... I wish I could meet you in person.
OMG -- SMN you are amazing!!! THANK YOU so much... yesterday I came home to this big huge box!!!! And last night I ate real live New Zealand "candy" (JMS/Tiff I have honey for you direct from NZ, will bring by)... you are so sweet..THANK YOU so much.
Kathy - I totally lost my password *shame faced icon*
CIODude -- I can't begin to give words to how thankful I am for your friendship and mentorship... many days this past week your email gave me light and your confidence in me personally and professionally is an amazing gift in my life.
C (the first one) -- I am so happy for your good news... I prayed and am thankful to the Gods (and Ganesh) that everything is okay for you and J.
B -- Thank you for dinner. Because you know I have to do it... R is a low-level systems engineering model driven development tool. I don't write systems, I don't write in languages that utilize code generation... I did find a couple of MDDs for .NET but essentially I write high level applications using platforms and technologies that perhaps were created with MDDs but MDDs aren't what we use to generate our "products" and, as far as I can tell, there aren't any products on the market that do do it that way.... Good news for programmers, you still have a job. It's okay... I forgive you ;)
C (the second one) -- danger will robbins... you probably already know all about MDDs don't you?
3DStickman -- thanks for the beach... I REALLY REALLY needed that.
REW... OMG have SOOOOO much fun... THANK you for all your thoughts and love.
Wiley -- I promise not to take so long next time.
Jenna -- not blog related.. :) :) you rock (and I promise I haven't opened the wine yet though I was tempted).
Jake, Don, MELISSA!!!!... thank you all for your loving thoughts, birthday wishes, kind words...
Ashtangi.NET members..thank you for your patience.. I've been woefully distracted from web admin jobs.
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While that may be somewhat impersonal, I hereby pledge to make personal responses to everyone... as soon as my world stop spinning.
So... my world.
My world is still without yoga. I can't begin to tell you, whine bitch and moan, what this is doing to my psyche. I knew I used yoga for more than my spiritual expression and certainly more than a physical expression but I guess I didn't really realize how much my practice is the glue that holds me together.
I am falling apart.
I have gained AT LEAST 15 pounds (I'm not kidding). I've tried the gym, running.. I hate them. Whine bitch and moan some more. It's okay, call me a Whinger!!!!
If you are on pins and needles... you should be.
Today I gave notice at my firm. *GASP*
I can't even begin to tell you how out of whack I am about this decision. I'm sorta spinning over it. I would literally bend over backwards to have 10 minutes on a mat to straighten my head out.... not only did I give notice but I have to start a new job, that I'm not 100% sure I can do without yoga for the first month. I've had near panic attacks at night... I've stayed awake... I've tossed and turning and my gut is churning... The Husband says this is all good... that that means I'm pushing myself and that's exactly where I want to be.
What I really want is to throw up.
Two weeks left in legal and then, after 20 years, I'll be moving on... I'll be working for a local ISV doing essentially client consulting... I'm really nervous...
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As for The Husband and I... things are status quo. We are getting along better only because The Husband is hyper-aware of the things that I feel are non-negotiable anymore. We haven't seen the counselor anymore as the counselor has suggested individual counseling and, of course, with a job change means insurance change and a new list of "approved doctors."
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In 3 weeks I'll be sitting on a beach in Cabo San Lucas, where I normally sit all day in the sun and then do a long leisurely beautiful practice by the pool before we go to an amazing dinner before coming back to bed.... this year I think I'll spend most of the day by the swim up bar.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:04 PM | Comments (6)
September 13, 2006
All The Ways You're Seen
It's time to actually think I'm smart. Most of the time I wonder when someone is going to figure out that I know nothing about anything. Programming... oh that's just learning to fib your way out of a box in another language. I just do what comes to me and it's all very creative... so when I begin to look at the career options in front of me and I see that they involve some amount of ownership of architecting and some intricate solution, I get a little freaked out. I almost have to tell myself I think I can, I think I can and I'm constantly amazed at people's perceptions of me. It's a strange place to explore that discomfort. It's just like yoga!!!
I didn't go to the gym today... I don't even remember if I blogged about the gym yesterday.. I went. It was exactly what I felt uncomfortable with... it's just so a gym... the one really fit mom of 4 who did 40 minutes on that wierd machine where everyone else is holding on, slurping at the sides as their feet pump up and down and she's cruising along like she's got 2 kids in school full-time... got more in her than that! There's the guys who have to check themselves out (the girls do this too but I notice it more when men do it in the gym, it's very interesting to watch the variety of poses... girls pretty much just have one). There's the lady who is doing all these wierd, off the wall exercises, like wierd aerobic moves on the stepmaster thingy. I don't believe StairMaster even exists anymore. The machines are all wild and high tech and it took me a good 5 minutes to figure out which one was like a StairMaster and how to turn it on.
Before I went into the gym I walked into the yoga class to say hi to Kiran. It was the first time I ever really just felt devastated I couldn't practice. The class hadn't started yet but the guy that I used to do Mysore there with on T/TH was there already in full swing. It's wild how you build chemistry with someone just practicing in the room... for example, I didn't even know his name until just a bit ago. Or maybe sometimes you just have to miss what you have before you recognize it's magic.
Tomorrow I turn 37 (yep... wait... yea... 37 it is. Isn't scary how we really do forget how old we are after a certain point?). I think we are going out for sushi... I'm on the total sushi kick right now (with a beer and everything!!). Let's hope I shower first!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:55 PM | Comments (10)
September 11, 2006
Running On Empty
I started out my morning at around 1am... I woke.. wondered why my body was awake when my mind wasn't... then I heard the door slightly open and saw The Daughter at the door.. bad dream... something about elephants... she climbs into bed.. sleep becomes elusive.
I got up and go to spend two hours with the dentist. I hate the dentist.
With a half hour between dentist and The Professional, I raced home only to be met by a call from The Professional regarding the lack of insurance coverage. I spent the next 20 minutes on the phone working it out.... changed into business casual clothes and sped off...
Please note you have not heard about any ingestion of food to this point; however, I did have one cup of coffee.
The Professional visit was interesting. It would not be fair of me to go into details but it was interesting and it was scary and it did harbor some hope. We had such a wonderful weekend together... the kind where I could see promise and see hope and see our family... I just don't know... we'll see.
I left, late... and drove up to Orange County for multiple professional reasons... none of which I can really go into here. Suffice it to say, I have to make a decision that would allow me to:
- grow my career
- support myself if necessary
- offer stability if that necessity arises (up to now it hasn't mattered)
- and that which stimulates me intellectually
- oh and let's not forget that normally I have a yoga practice which factors into this.
At 6:34, I still had not eaten and I had no money in my wallet. I opted to drive 80mph home (shhh don't tell anyone) instead of stopping.
I am now drinking a lovely glass of wine in the lovely Riedel glasses that Kiran, bless her heart, gave me.
Who said the body needs food?
In positive goal attaining news I:
- made a definitive date with B for dinner
- called Wiley (only The Best Friend gets this reference) and spoke to her for the first time in 9 months
- got a lovely email from The Other Best Friend (CONGRATULATIONS!!!) and actually responded
(B -- don't forget to bring your lens... yoga pictures next week .. what day?)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:38 PM | Comments (3)
September 10, 2006
A Day In Pictures
I went to watch The Daughter's gymnastics a couple days ago. She recently got moved up to the pre-team training classes. I think I've mentioned how amazed I am that they do push-ups, sit-ups, pull ups... all things that take determination and concentration. This is her....
isn't that cool!
Today my legs feel like twigs about to fall off. Quad burn from hell... who has to miss Laghu Vajrasana! ;) I think I've decided it'll be running that I do. I know I will regret the tightness in my hips and hamstrings someday but, oh well, today is today and here is here. The Husband says that I ran further than a mile yesterday. That's surprising since I haven't run in so long. My hip flexors are really funky too... should be a fun ride to take this one.
Last night I had this moment of truth about how I feel in a situation with The Husband. I know he would/will be mortified to know that I've told the blogosphere that I feel we have issues (as an understatement)... he's a deeply personal person and it probably isn't fair of me... The nice thing about last night is that, because I've clearly announced there is a serious issue and I've enlisted the help of The Professional, The Husband is more able to just hear what I'm saying. I didn't say anything last night because, quite frankly, would it surprise you all to know we were intimate and I didn't want to pass that up... so this morning I tentatively broached the subject. It was really satisfying to say what I observed and the feelings it brought up in me and have The Husband actually hear me. It gave me the opportunity to see that I've been focusing solely on all the things that will change when I leave instead of focusing on if I leave and how not to leave. I still feel exactly the same way and I still plan on making myself heard loud and clear and letting a professional help evaluate this situation... but I can also see staying... and yesterday I couldn't have said that.
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This morning The Husband took the kids to his dad's house. Every other week, on Sunday, he takes the kids to his dad's and they all hang out. It is one of the most wonderous things he does. With 4 brothers and sisters, none of them have done that with their children and I know it means the world, not only to my Father In Law, but also to The Husband. Usually I stay home and work which is what I did today. I've spent the past 9 days in living hell as a developer. I had to setup a virtual development environment and I know next to nothing about networking. I'm a developer afterall... On top of that I had to get something in beta code to actually work... I only knew of one maybe four or five other people who had gotten it working and not in the configuration I had to deal with. I've literally been brought to tears a couple times with frustration and almost threw in the towel... but this afternoon I made it work. I very quickly backed up everything!!
More on The Career after tomorrow. It's going to be an interesting day all around given everything I have going on.
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After the family got home we played outside for awhile... The Husband and I sat next to each other reading... the kids played in the trees like kids should!! We had a lovely dinner and we've been exceedingly loving towards each other. Calm before the storm or ephipany that change is coming?
Coolest Photo Ever -- find the smile and the sunshine...
What Boys Do
Sunday Afternoon Reading
Sunset In Carmel Valley
Sidenote: If you haven't read the above version of the Ramayana... it's great. I am really truly enjoying it. Hanuman just grew into his full form and is about to go rescue Sita and delivery poor Rama from his heartache... It's very engaging in an easy to read manner.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:40 PM | Comments (2)
September 9, 2006
Sweat & Olive Branches
Last night, after reading so many of your wonderful, thoughtful and encouraging comments and private emails (I will get back to you all... ) I decided to go out and extend the olive branch. It was taken and bent in half, handed back to me with a "What, you don't like it better that way" attitude.
So I spent most of the day dealing with server and networking issues. I'm no network admin and IPs and DNSs and domain controllers are making my head spin. It's amazing how fast time flies when you literally suck at something.
I got an email last night from The Best Doctor In The World... after I reported my experiences "stretching." The response was no more. The question asked back was "for how long?" The response was "12 weeks."
I'm not even halfway there.
It's been going through my mind all day that I have to do something... I can't sit on my ass anymore. My self-esteem is suffering and I'm sure my stress level would be at least somewhat better all things considered if I was getting some endorphins going on a regular basis.
I dug out my Sauconys (I actually used to run if you can believe it) and put them on (with surprise they still fit). My plan had been to go to the gym and spend 20 minutes on the StairMonster... but as I got ready I kept thinking "I can't do this... I can't go to a gym... I hate the gym. It's cold and noisy and sucky." So I jumped up and down a little to see if the pressure from bouncing would be too much... it didn't feel so bad and I figured the impact would be just as great weather I was on the StairMonster or pavement... so I decided to run.
I didn't get far... but I ran. I ran for 20 minutes with only two short breaks to let my sides (sides by the repair not as in side stitches) have a rest...
I didn't enjoy it... but I did break a sweat for the first time since the heavy covered and lovely intense sweat of Ashtanga Yoga New York ala Eddie Stern.
I don't even want to talk about how I can feel the various parts of my lower body tightening up... I keep hearing Tim saying to some unknown person in class "Still running?" To which the person asked how he would know... his response "Your body say so."
On the brightside, I was breathing nice, healthy, fresh Southern California fall air... Samhain can't come fast enough this year.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:50 PM | Comments (6)
September 8, 2006
I Know More About The Stars and The Moon
Today I was so distraught that I practiced... well I wouldn't so much call it a practice but I did get on a mat.
I've always been a pretty open person here on my blog and I've been really closed off lately. In an effort to maintain my committment to being an open and free person I will briefly outline my list of issues:
a) My career. I have huge, huge decisions to make about my career. In fact, this is the career definining moment in my life. For most people this would consist of maybe one or two "choices"... for me I've got 3 or 4 choices in addition to a really risky but potential big pay off choice. In other words, I have enough to think about to drive the average individual over the edge let alone some overly-analytical uber-geek like myself.
c) My physical state of being. The doctor told me that if I could lay flat and the implants did not move to the side even after 5 minutes that I could try some very light stretching but to be very careful of the lateral repair. That's as bad, to me, as the teachers who say "Now feel your kidney and move it back."
d) My marriage. My marriage is in a state of disrepair. We are both not 100% sure that we can or should stay married. It wouldn't be fair for me to go into any further details than this, sure it would be self-fulfilling because I could bitch and moan and get my side of the past 15 years out there but it wouldn't be fair or compassionate. Needless to say, this is the reason why I have enlisted the help of a professional. In the past I've always felt sure that we could make it through or just make it... I no longer feel that way and I believe it will take an act of genius, Gods or a miracle to pull us out of this.
Given that I have 3 very huge things on my plate, it sucks that I have to add an e.
e) My current work... my current work involves working very closely and deeply with beta code from a Certain Big Huge Software Giant. Said code can be buggy, difficult and flat out undocumented (90% of this code is undocumented so it's all guess work). I have spent the last 5 days trying, without success, to get one facet of this technology to work.... I have cried (literally though perhaps some of the stress that led me to crying comes from some of the above), I have said the MF word more times than I care to count, I have stopped all forms of intoxication, I have stayed up til midnight, I have tossed and turned and thought Network Administration in my head.... as of this moment, it still doesn't work although I seem to be really close. I am so stressed by work alone that most people would be run into the ground... me... I'm surviving on fumes.
So, it was with just a bit of hesitation that during the 50th install of software that I said to myself "If I don't get out of this chair and do some yoga, I may die, right here, in my chair." I got out the mat, I laid it down, I stood on the front, I put my hands in Namaste and I almost burst into tears. It felt like home.
I did a Sun Salutation... I couldn't touch the ground, I couldn't touch my toes, I couldn't put my head on my knees... I did jump back instead of walk, I couldn't do chatarunga, upward dog felt worse than anything I've done in my life and I thought my calves might break in half during downward dog... I did another one... then I did a slow B... then I did some of standing... not all... some... Warrior felt astounding... Paschimottasana was enough to make me think I should never practice asana again... Ardha Badha felt like I'd never left it... I did Mari A and B... C and D are not coming soon... then I did a backbend. This may have been stupid but I needed it for my mental health... It actually didn't hurt, much... but I was so weak and tight that I couldn't push up much... I got my head off the ground... but I was more like a table than a wheel. I can't do Halasana all the way... I can do it without my hands behind my back... I can't do shoulderstand or headstand or anything like that... but you know what... it will come... and this was enough to make me feel some semblance of yoga... of still having a part of myself that is calm and centered and rational through all this chaos surrounding me.
So, yea, not a happy post... but I'm not really bitching either... this just is what it is and it is. It will turn and change and things will come and things will happen and life will be what it is.... but if I ever needed to embrace the dark side, well, now is it.
Happy Friday.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:08 PM | Comments (12)
September 7, 2006
Ashtangi.NET Update
Hello all my yoga blogging friends... Last night the server and scripts which run commenting on Ashtangi.NET were infiltrated by spammers. It nearly brought the server to it's knees and, as a result, the host locked out Ashtangi.NET blog software in order to maintain the integrity of the server. I worked on this some today and have turned everything back on; however, if at any time the script is compromised again, the site will come down again.
In the meantime, I've installed Akismet in an effort to bring down CPU utilization and, hopefully, cure the problem. I didn't want to mess with everyone's blogs until I know it will work so it is turned on, currently, on my blog. You'll note you no longer have to enter a number to comment. If over the next few days my blog is okay, I'll change everyone else hosted here as well.
As for me personally, thanks for your emails and comments, as always, I know that the greater Ashtanga community is out there listening. I'm in a really difficult place personally right now and have monumental decisions to make in more than one arena of my life. I am so dysfunctional that I've engaged the services of a professional (wow that sounds scary, doesn't it). No yoga on my horizon to even me out though the doctor told me if I wasn't feeling anything while laying down I could attempt easy stretching with no pull on the upper part of my body (clearly not yoga).
In an effort to maintain the committments I made the other day I have:
a) at least communicated the desire to get together with The Best Friend though we haven't found a time;
b) made a definitive plan for dinner with B (though I forgot to ask for the picture!! However I am picking up the phone right now to call back.)
and c) wrote an email to Chi but then figured given my current personal spiral, it might be better to save that for later ;)
Namaste
Julie
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:56 PM | Comments (6)
Ashtangi.NET Note
Please note, for some reason Ashtangi.NET Blogger Panel may be down for the night and early tomorrow. It is too late for me to deal with but I have an issue with the webhost.
As for Facing Inward itself... as someone told me, stop your bitching... so until I see some brilliance, I'll hold my tongue.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:35 AM | Comments (4)
September 4, 2006
Stain Removal
Man, I love Southern California. It was just an absolute lovely day... We ate lunch at our favorite restaurant by the beach... a couple sitting behind us commented on how wonderful our kids were... we drove down to 25th street and found a parking spot, literally right in front (if you don't live here or don't attempt to go to 25th street on a holiday weekend ever, you have no idea what a huge score this was) and setup shop. It was really nice and some lady even commented on my bikini and told me I looked good in it. We met up with TCL down there where I was reminded of the once comment that no matter how cold the ocean is, you should always take the opportunity to wash the stains of civilization away til they build up again. I am happy to announce that, although I can no longer touch my toes freely, I did manage to wade into the freezing cold Pacific Ocean... it felt absolutely amazing.
I'm still fighting my funk but it's a matter of wills now.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:37 PM | Comments (2)
September 3, 2006
Dinner
I haven't blogged in the past couple days because I haven't felt like there was much to blog about. As someone earlier told me, I've bitched about everything so, yea, get out of the funk already.
If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I know I need to change how I'm eating and, more importantly drinking! I love my wine but had pretty much stopped drinking except on Fridays... I think I'm now having wine everynight including Fridays. Yoga Chikitsa... Beginner's Mind.
Yesterday we went to a pool party. It was out in the big huge houses in Del Sur or whatever that "new Ranch" place is called. It was great fun. The Husband and I love the couple and they are just so warm, friendly and real. All the preschool parents were there, the pool was filled with toys (literally) and the girls were so excited to see each other that the screams brought the neighbors running (really)... if you don't have a girl offspring of your own, you won't understand; if you do, you are currently nodding your head. We had some beers, some good food... You gotta love Southern California because yesterday was the perfect day for a pool party. I almost forgot that living in San Diego is great for more than just one reason.
When we got home, The Daughter was so exhausted she literally just melted down. It's one of the sweetest moments to watch. It reminds me that we are all human and overcome at times and breaking down, that's okay too. The only other person I know who thinks exactly like I do when it comes to our personal funks and moods and mental fluctuations is The Best Friend. Which is why I have a couple of Done With The Funk Resolutions:
1. I will actually use the telephone and call The Best Friend and we will make a time to hang out.
2. I will actually use the telephone and call B. B & I will figure out a date for lunch or dinner while we are on the phone and we will stick to that date. (Side message to B: When I call you, remind me to ask you about the pictures... there's one I deleted that I would like to see out of curiosity... do you have it?).
3. I will email Debra over and over until she finally accepts my offer for a girl's wine night out... two funks don't make a right!
4. I will, *groan*, force myself to go to the gym... and I will do some atrocious monstrosity like the StairMonster... until I am given permission to practice again by The Best Doctor In The World.
5. I will not think, while on such apparatus the following thoughts: "My hips are tightening up." "My hamstrings are gonna pay for this." or "Mhmmm... maybe this will make my quads/glutes stronger and I'll be able to do AsanaX or Y more easily."
6. I will call Chi and ask her to find a date we can have the family over for dinner at our house! Like we used to... before life took over.
I think that's a good starting point! I always was an over-achiever.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:35 PM | Comments (1)