facing inward

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August 31, 2006

I Own A Mat?

I've had such a freakin' wild day!

I am now starting to talk about yoga less. Things are getting scary around here!

I spent the entire day today, basically, talking. I almost feel like I was stretched completely outside of my social capabilities. It's not like I don't have interactions with other human beings frequently through the day but, in most cases, with some shame, I have to admit that they are mostly via binary... IM, email... Never usually actually talking face to face or, even voice to voice. Pretty much everyone knows how much I loathe talking on the phone! I'm more likely to tell you my life story via IM or email than I ever am if you get me on the phone. So it made for a wild day to actually be face to face with humans for over 5 hours (not consecutively) and actually talk on the phone for an hour. I'm worn out!

I can't talk about a couple of the human interactions. Unfortunately, ehem, more readers than I was aware know me from professional circles so I have now come to fear writing too intimately about my work or career. That's okay, that's the shitty part we have to do anyway.

I also, however, spent time at Back to School night for the kids. This is the night when we get to go meet their teachers, sit at their little desks, write a little love note for them to find in the morning, see the "What I Did This Summer" essay on the wall (OMG I have a child writing a story about what he did this past summer!), catch up with the parents you only ever saw over pick-ups and drop-offs last year ("Oh you got Mrs. B, she's wonderful," or, worse, "Oh, you got Mrs B. Yea, well I heard she's a little strict {or some equally ubiquitous word}").

We're elated over the teachers the kids got. We're really happy The Daughter got the same kindergarten teacher as The Son had... and we know nothing about The Son's teacher except that she's short and looks like she's 18 (but has been teaching for 10 years). She seems awesome and her message sounds great. We've had such a great experience over the past 3 years of school that I've really released all attachment to this teacher or that. I volunteered and will be teaching Kids Yoga one half hour a week in The Daughter's class. Her teacher was really excited by the idea and actually put it on the calendar. Remember the days of having PE everyday? Once a week in today's elementary school. All the teacher's compensate for this lacking but doing particular PE things during the day in the classroom so I imagine this is great for her. It's gonna be really fun except I don't have 20 yoga mats so we'll be on carpet. I imagine kids can adopt pretty easily.

I volunteered as well for The Son's class. In 3rd grade it's a bit harder to schedule time since there are actually academics but his teacher sounded equally enthusiastic about it and we're gonna talk as soon as she starts the actual lesson plans. I will probably ask The Son how he feels about that first. The Daughter is excited but The Son tends to be much shier about stuff like that.

We also signed up to volunteer for regular time in the classroom. I think this is one of the most important things we can do for The Daughter. The son loved it and by first grade, you aren't allowed to actually interact with them as much... then it becomes all cutting construction paper shapes and stuff resembling real work.

It wasn't until much later that I realized I had scheduled these times without even a nod of consideration to my yoga schedule as if suddenly I've forgotten that usually I'm up at 5:30 and practicing before I'm even out of bed right now.

Wow it's going to be painful to go back for more than just musculatory reasons.

Tomorrow I have code to write that is going to require the deep inner zone. I have to prepare for these moments because I can't be messed with. That's when I turn off all communication devices: IM, I shut down my email, I make sure my phone is off (it gets email too). I then plug in the iPod, play music really loud and just figure out how to do something I a) have never done and b) would venture to guess no one else has ever succesfully done yet either. The joys of beta code.

Song Of The Day:
I'm just a face in the crowd
Nothing to worry about
Not even trying to stand out
I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller
And I got nothing to say
It's all been taken away
I just behave and obey
I'm afraid I am starting to fade away

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:59 PM | Comments (1)

August 30, 2006

Infiltrated

Holy cow.

Let's talk about feelings. But, first, let's talk about YOGA!!!!

So tonight I was hanging out in the garage and I was standing between both our cars after grabbing the iPod and I leaned back... and I arched back... and dude, my head was at the start of the window of the other car!!!! I was like "Woah, this is cool, I'm not even using my arms!" So I did it again.. and again... and pretty soon, it felt like a really great backbend. No Arms!

I'm still trying to figure that out. My hamstrings are horribly tight and first series is going to be something not easy to get through again. Next week will be as long as I went after the first surgery without yoga. To my doctor friends, if you were me or your wife was me, how long would you go before going back? Don't be nice, be honest.

The Daughter read her first book ALL the way through today. It was Mat (of Bob Books). I'm so proud. I swear this blog might as well be my kid's baby books.

Was there any feelings in there?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:10 PM | Comments (7)

Chest Girl

Today was a day from hell.

I took Nyquil last night because I'm totally sick.

The alarm went off at 5. Now when the alarm goes off at 5am and I know that my mat is waiting for me, I generally roll out of bed, throw on my Hard Tail pants, brush my teeth, make sure the mat is in the back of the car and go....

When the alarm goes off at 5 and I know a two hour train ride for some obscure reason is in front of me, it takes much longer to get up and get going.... a lot longer.

I felt like I was on crack all day. My hands were jittery, my mind wouldn't calm down, my heart seemed to be racing. This is what allopathic medicine does to me... it whacks me out. This is why instead of using Ambien, I prefer ancient herbal remedies... I can't hang in the pharmaceutical drug world. I'd wind up a jittery, shaking pool on the ground in some dark corner.

I listened to Nine Inch Nails on the iPod every chance I got.

This was the mood that I was in when my boss decided he was going to drop yet another insane request on my plate. The request in and of itself isn't or wasn't insane but the fact that any average developer would be strung out for the next 12 months, if not 18, with the plate I have in front of me and I'm only just a slight degree above average means that any additional request is about to put me into the mouse hole. The thing is, my boss, he doesn't give credit towards the very difficult job it is to develop good applications and, moreover, to develop those off of code that is still in beta. I'm good, I'm not that good. No one is that good. Sorry to say it but no one is. I know some rocking developers, none of them could pull of the magic that he's asking for. He seems to think that's he paid me some gigantic salary and that, as a result, I should deliver what is impossible. I can deliver, I can't make milk out of steam. The gigantic salary... yea, it's large for legal... but the bottom line is I can make far more outside of this market and I know it. Everyone knows it. I don't like being treated with disrespect and I don't much like feeling like I'm not productive. I can be working my ass off but if there isn't a shiny new present at some point in the future, what do I have to show for it.... absolutely nothing.

So, the request... he asked, I retorted perhaps not in the nicest manner... I pushed, he pushed... and I ended up just pissed off. Unfortunately, this was shortly before I was due to leave... I began the process of packing up much too late, stopped for a few minutes to take some shots with another dev's 70-300mm Canon lens and see how it worked... and then ran outside to catch a cab. It went something like this:

4:41: Julie packs up her shit, runs out of office.
4:45: Julie goes to taxi cab stand outside office
4:46: Taxi cab driver refuses to take me to Union Station, motions to me to take bus
4:46: I indicate that the bus isn't fast enough and I need cab
4:46: Cab driver refuses to take me
4:47: I say F-U to taxi cab driver, look for another cab.. see none
4:48: Cross street, ask bus driver, what time the bus leaves: 4:55 -- nope won't make it
4:49: Cross back to other side of street, man in utility vehicle says "I've been waiting for you all my life." I reply "Gee, thanks." Continue back to find a cab.
4:50: Asshole taxi driver gets another cab, talks to him, motions to me
4:50: Cab driver picks me up, I say "Thanks a lot asshole, I've now missed my train" to first taxi cab driver (the yoga is really shining through now isn't it!)
4:50: Utility personnel on street scream and whistle at my tenacity. I shove my shit into the cab.
4:51: Cab driver speeding down street.
4:52: I call The Husband and proceed to berate first cab driver, using colorful curse words and otherwise acting as far from a compassionate yogini as I can.
4:55: At green light waiting to turn left... light turns yellow... I say "I'll give you $5 extra bucks if you run that light."
4:56: Cab driver runs red light.
4:58: Cab driver exchanges money and receipts with me in cab. I give him a $8 tip.
4:58: I run out of cab and run at least 1/2 mile over slippery tile in my 4 inch Michael Kors heels.
5:00: I get on train, sweating and pissed but bound for San Diego (next train leaves at 8pm).

5:58: I can feel the congestion in my sinuses.. I will be much sicker tomorrow.

Stress sucks.

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In honor of Jenna's post about the quite attractive Dagoba (also my favorite chocolate at the moment... Roseberry... mhmmmm... I'm sorry Chuao but for good cheaper chocolate... Dagoba is it) founder, I shall tell my own sordid, female fantasy story.

I rarely get attracted purely by the male form. Generally attraction stems more from mental connection, wit, humor... all the good female emotional stuff. I met this guy recently who is pretty buff and into working out. We've, of course, talked about yoga vs. working out, etc., etc. Today I saw a "model picture" of him... and I have to say, woah... I won't post it here out of respect for his privacy but, well, sick or not, what was Jenna's word? Yummy?

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I contacted The Best Doctor In The World yesterday. I asked him how much longer til I can practice. Not only have I gained 10 pounds but I swear cellulite is coming out in places I never had it before (or maybe that's just wishful thinking)... his response was this:

"The longer the better..."

F.

Isn't it amazing how self pity, alcohol indulgence and lowered self-esteem go hand in hand with my lack of yoga ;) Tiffany told me last night "Oh you always have your yoga, you carry it with you." Blah freaking blah... I'm done being noble.. I'm just a big freakin' whiney bitch... it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:42 PM | Comments (9)

August 28, 2006

First Day of School 2006 (3rd Grade & Kindergarten)

Well we made it. Another parenting milestone, another day we'll never forget. Today The Daughter started kindergarten and The Son 3rd grade. For the first time we have both children at the same school, starting at the same time making for one single drop off in the day.

After last night's issues, I was really concerned about The Son. I thought he seemed a bit upset this morning but I wasn't sure. We walked him to his classroom first, said goodbye and then found The Daughter's kindergarten classroom.


We found the snackbox, the lunch box and the backpack rack... we got her in line. We immediately noted that she is a full head taller than every other child in her class (I kid you not).

The Daughter was so excited this morning, jumping around, bouncing up and down, running down the pavement to her classroom so I was genuinely surprised when I saw the beginnings of a crack in her demeanor:


I reached out to ask her if she was okay, she was so stoic and would not look at me:


I thought this might kill me. I've never seen her get concerned. In the end, she marched in with no tears and no look backwards...

When we picked them up at the end of the day she was out of control with excitement.... she actually could barely contain herself. We ran into her teacher (who was also The Son's teacher in kindergarten) and Mrs. A says "Wow, she's nothing like her brother!" Yea, she even has her entire school wardrobe picked out for the entire week.. WHERE did she get that gene from?

I'm completely getting sick. This SUCKS in a major way as I have no time to deal with this right now. In fact, tonight will be my first night not relying on my favorite herbal sleep remedy to try and sleep... I'm so exhausted and my throat hurts so bad that I might just pass out. On second thought, perhaps some tea would be good for me.

.... I have two kids in elementary school... how did that happen?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:22 PM | Comments (5)

August 27, 2006

Shhhh!!! They might be looking.

I have officially hit rock bottom. I'm hoping it is all hormonal instead of some pent up internal rage that this period of inactivity has let loose. I've decided that I'm simply going to have to embrace it and move with it and let it be instead of trying to fight it.

So today I listened to nothing but Nine Inch Nails. Trent can be quite good at putting his finger right on it and he looks really nice doing it too. I'm convinced that Only is the theme song for all internally obsessed people. Oh all the things we make up.

I got in a huge fight with The Son today. I treated him horrible. He really really really hurt my feelings and instead of acting like a grown up, I got all mad at him. So I was snotty and wrong :

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While I was typing that I decided that instead of blogging about it, I should go talk to The Son about it. So I did. Only we then proceeded to have the most difficult conversation where, essentially he told me, that he didn't want to go to school tomorrow... for a couple very major reasons. The Husband says this is his over-analyzing and normal day before school anxiety and that should he come home from school every day this week feeling that way, then we'd need to be concerned. I'm, of course, berating myself for selling out on my Waldorf Homeschool intentions back before the cost of living got so high that I had to go back to a real career.

So The Husband went and talked to him... then we talked... perhaps there is some truth that I can't see him overanalyzing and allowing that to take hold of his psyche because that's exactly what I do. I am constantly freaked out about how similar we think. God Help Him.

After our talk, The Husband went to say a final goodnight, opens the door and I hear this:

The Son: Gosh! All I want to do is read my book! ALL I want to do is read my book. Everyone keeps coming in here and wanting to talk. I JUST want to read my book.

Perhaps it's just me overanalyzing afterall!

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I could still hear The Husband talking to The Son so I got up and stood outside the door where neither could see me and listened. Standing there I was simply blown away by my husband. I think this may go down as his single greatest parenting moment yet. I was moved by how he reached out to him emotionally, gave him tips and reinforced with positive examples. Really really blown away by The Husband. When they were through I let them know I was there ... The Husband left him by saying "We're gonna help you through this, that's what we're here for." I think most wives will concur that a man is not hotter than when he's nailing a parenting moment (and I didn't mean that like it sounded).

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So, since the conference there have been some emails and LinkedIn contact exchanges (I never ever ever go to that thing). I've also noted two additional readers from Big Huge Law Firms and two really wierd google hits on my blog (which contained my name, hence I know there were aimed at me). As a result, I've hesitated to write about something that is pretty major in my life right now and really running me through the gamut. I'm in a really dark place, full of Ministry and Nine Inch Nails... that place on Trent can describe so well (if you're into lyrics at all I guess... and, let's face it, no man looked so good saying the f word onstage). It scares me that Nine Inch Nails is so popular because that means that there has to be a slew of other self-wounded people running around. Only.

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I meant to post this picture:

This is me and CIODude on our way to Cirque while at the conference. It was pretty funny when, at one point, one of my blog readers says "Hey, are you CIODude?!" shortly after meeting him. I have to say that CIODude consistently blows me away with how amazing a person he is. There are few people that hold my deepest of respect in this world. He's one of them. He's amazingly smart and funny and social and has to be the most wonderous father in the world (which is going to come in handy when his FOUR girls get to be teenagers plus their older brother). When you talk to him you simply know that you aren't getting some big bullshit story that you get from most other people. He's one of those rare real people. Those are few and far between these days if you know what I mean! :)

I feel like I'm getting sick. That will suck. I have way too much going on this week.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:39 PM | Comments (4)

August 26, 2006

?

Wow, I'm beat.. but interested that the responses to my last post are all similar to what I've been hearing from others I ask. I am in awe of this topic. It blows my freakin mind that this could be true. Are people that self-obsessed? I don't mean that in a bad way... there's a lot of ways I'm self-obsessed but I am seriously having a hard time figuring this one out. OKRGR's detailed and graphic description is very interesting if not somewhat repulsive.

I took The Daughter out school clothes shopping. When we got in the car I had this vision of what a fun mother-daughter day it would be... a bonding moment... I was dead wrong. By the end of the first store I was animatedly telling her that if she couldn't stop and focus on CLOTHES and not the headbands, Groovy animal things, purses and shoes (well, okay the shoes are cute) I was gonna "take everything back!" *sigh* Isn't it fun when those bubble bursts come along. Always a nice sharp little reminder of our humanness.

I have now ceased to remove poses from myself. Removing poses from yourself is the "edge" when you know that you can no longer just will yourself into it. I've stopped doing that and started counting the more minute things that have gone missing such as the ability to straighten my legs in Uttanasana or comfortably straighten my hips in Warrior A... Let's face it, we all do yoga for everything it provides outside the physical, we really do... but that doesn't mean that we don't discount the very realistic physiological effect on our bodies. The stretch does feel good, the muscle does feel good and there's nothing wrong with admitting that. Sometimes I think a lot of yogi/nis (or perhaps it's just myself) spend so much time trying to sound all about enlightenment and meditation and yoga and all that that we almost poopoo the very real effective two hours of an ashtanga practice does for our body internally. Man, I miss that too.

I'm so out of focus that I'm going to have to go look up the next moon day as wierd things are going on for me and I notice that it tends to follow the lunar cycle both astrologically and physically. Bad timing as I have lots of really grown up decisions right now. I hate being reminded that I'm an adult with two kids, a mortgage, a couple cars and all this stuff. While sometimes I daydream about leaving it all and living off grid in some far off mountain region, I recognize that no one else in my family would consider it any less that a daymare.

Since I'm technically "still recovering" I've decided it's okay to bitch about how when I tried, for the first time, to wear a tank top with support, a friend told me I had the fake cleavage look. If you are a long time reader, you'll know that one of my biggest fears before having the original mastectomies was that I'd look like I was walking about with a fake chest. Sure it's irrational and stupid but the feeling is there nonetheless. I think before they didn't look so fake but they definitely do now. I'm gonna have to learn how to take on that sensation. You wouldn't think it would be hard but it kinda is.

Got the new Ani Difranco ... love it. If you like her, you should check it out.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:40 PM | Comments (7)

August 25, 2006

A Day By Plane Ride

I'm sitting in my 3 inch seat, flying over perfectly formed white clouds, somewhere over Texas. Every now and again a bump in the road rocks the plane and my heart simultaneously lurches into my throat and my hands instinctively move to grab on to something, anything... only, realistically, even if I could grab onto something what would it matter. Often I chant Hare Ram, close my eyes and breathe... but I think I'm over that today. Standing in line in the Orlando airport, an announcement was made that we should be sure to use the restroom as it would be a rollercoaster and likely a long time sitting. That leg turned out to be a beautifully smooth and relaxing flight... the air over Texas isn't being as cooperative.

So the week, the week... in my cryptic 2am mental wanderings I've had some questions about what I really meant. Some I might actually expound on, some where purposefully cryptic... some where secret messages for those in the know.

For a couple evenings I kept seeing this one guy. He struck me as slightly (said with massive sarcasm) slimy when he hit on me and I said "What you didn't see the ring?" and his response was "So." In all our conversations at conference events or with mutual acquaintenances, I never got that he was, himself, married. He presented a single outlook, he appeared without attachments. So, late last night, after he left, strategically, with the woman sitting next to me.... and was gone for a very long time... I was pretty surprised when his co-worker mentioned his wife and kids... and the wedding ring he took off in the airport. I rarely get surprised by people like that... usually I can see right through it. Either he was really good or I'm off my game and a bit rusty ;)

I heard repeatedly last night from various individuals, all of the male species, that I was flirting with the geek boys (remember it was a technical conference so everyone was a geek boy pretty much). I really tried to wrap my brain around this. What was I doing? I certainly didn't have any intention of flirting and I really couldn't come up with the intentention of firtation either consciously or subconsciously. Finally I asked one of my friends who had also made this comment. I was told that by the virtue of being free of male body parts and by speaking to the geek heads, that I was flirting. I confirmed this declaration with a few other people one of whom I respect deeply. This blows me away. Just what am I supposed to do? I'm female. Can't change that. I work in a male dominated field and the majority of conversations I am going to have related to business are going to be with a male. If I open my mouth, I'm flirting? I had one person say "The man becomes the hero, you're the whore." I actually had someone assume I had gone and had relations with one of the geek boys because I apparently talked to him longer than the others. Not only can I not open my mouth but, I better have a stopwatch if I dare to.

I got fed my ego last night. At various points in the fesitivites the session/demo that I did was mentioned. I was repeatedly praised and stroked for giving an awesome presentation and being "good at what I do." The thing is, I AM good at what I do. I've worked really hard and continue to work my butt off to be good at what I do. I also recognized that I didn't take the compliments easily. I know I'm good. Tell me about it.

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CIODude asked me via email about the comment I made that I purposefully wanted to go out and get drunk. His question is essentially why. I've thought the whole flight about how to explain it and my best attempt is as follows.

My brain never stops. The reason yoga is so valuable to me is not physically. It's that it is the only time my mind is so focused somewhere other than itself that it's quiet. I'd like to say that I can achieve this anytime with just the breath but, the truth is, while sometimes I can, most of the time I can't. Being drunk is something completely different though... it's where your mind simply can't focus and your inner being has some sort of drunken freedom. Maybe parts of yourself that you never let loose. This is why last night before I attempted to get drunk I made sure that I asked not one but 3 people to make sure I was okay and got back to my room (of course this backfires if the 3 people you ask get more drunk than you). I like getting drunk occasionally. I like the freedom to just rage and let go... it is no longer a conscious act (well other than the travel time between glass and mouth). I rarely drink enough to get drunk because, well, I usually have practice the next day... so I sorta figured with all the stress, the inability to practice and all the free drinks I wanted, I should just let it all go. Heck everyone else was. It is however those times... the ones when I've been MOST stressed and MOST want (or, to some degree, need) the release that I cannot achieve a drunken state. So, I don't know that I can answer the question other to say that sometimes, it's fun. I like it.

Or, maybe, that's just really an excuse and I haven't let go of the 20s party girl stage.

I leave this lengthy blog post with a quote of a famous quote (that I can't remember of whom and cannot google while up here, 30,000 feet above Mother Earth):

The moving figure writes, and having writ moves on, and all of our pioty and wit cannot lure it back to cancel a single line.

Song of the day: Nine Inch Days -- Only (still figuring if you is ego and me is ego)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:59 PM | Comments (8)

Ruthless Beet**

I've been in Florida since Sunday. The flight out sucked. It was bumpy and I couldn't bring regular water on board. Ugh. I got here, looked out the balcony of my room at The Ritz Carlton (high on the hog for a conference) and saw the absolute perfect spot to practice in the high humidity of Florida. Damn, can't practice.

So, I decided that I'd take the opportunity to spend the entire week getting blasted.

I couldn't.

It got to the point that today I actually sat in the bar with one of my "bosses" and a peer starting at NOON... At midnight I STILL could not catch a buzz.

The Best Friend is cracked up because I have some sort of mental thing that, at the moment when I most want to get messed up in the head, I can't.

Happens everytime.

What IS that about?

The conference itself has been interesting and different. I feel like I actually didn't do anything at this conference. I helped a lot of other people sell a lot of their own ideas and produts. I gave two sessions... I got a bunch of stuff for my kids but I can't really remember doing any educational injection of my own. My sessions seemed to go well.

Highlights include:

The CIO of large law firm who walked up to me later in front of our CIO and IT Director and said "I'll double your salary if you move to the East Coast."

The idea of that is so ludicrus, I don't even know the name of the firm.

Mid-conference I got a voice mail from an ISV about a job with them.

Large Law Firm # 2 from "back in the original negotiation"'s CsomethingO asked me why not... why not just work at home.

A vendor offered me part-time work at my full-time salary.

Another vendor told me "tell me what you want... as long as it isn't President, it's yours."

That's just some of the personal acclaim and ego injecting comments I've received over the past few days. It's pretty cool but often makes me wonder why I do anything for a living. I think, after 6 days, I'm just tired of business all day every day.

In really good reporting, CIODude let me crash on his big vendor party as his date and I got to see Cirque Du Soleil in Orlando. It rocked. He's such a good customer that we had literally 3rd row seats front and center.. I could see the bandhas on the gymnasts.

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Tonight I had someone I know really well surprise me.

Tonight I had someone trick me mentally in a way I haven't been tricked in a really long time.

Tonight I had someone show me my ego.

Tonight I had someone show me my weaknesses.

Tonight I had someone argue my spiritual beliefs with me.

Tonight I argued how we are all one.... no matter how beliefs... no matter our delusions... no matter our illusions.

None were one person in and of the same...

Tonight I had someone offer me the one thing... that one thing... that I always say "will find me anywhere."

Genki Ka my friends.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:34 AM | Comments (1)

August 20, 2006

You Looking At Me?

Spent the morning banging my head against this machine. I actually have two demos next week. One on The Really Big Project and one of my making. My idea for the of my making we'll call Project B. I spent all day wondering how, just how, I managed to royally blow up The Really Big Project. I mean, it would't even initiate.

I figured I was gonna have to pull an all nighter when 11am rolled around and the masses (ie., the two children) were stomping and demanded to leave for the day at The Zoo, I pulled the plug and chalked it up to a long day tomorrow.

The Zoo was okay. It felt like those same kids did nothing but complain about how their legs hurt, it was hot, they were thirsty, nothing was out, this was stupid. I'm sure they didn't but, man, the moments of bright learning and awe are dimly shrouded by those of the much more memorable whining. The Zoo was on my firm so admission, all the bus rides and skyfari, lunch, face painting, airbrush tattoos, dessert and drinks were on them. It made The Zoo a bit more bearable because I think it has gotten outrageously expensive.

Tomorrow I'm off to Florida. Not bringing the camera although I almost feel like I should in lieu of the yoga mat. I'm not bringing the yoga mat. That would be stupid. I can't use it nor should I use it.

See I can follow directions.

Now let's see if I don't make an ass out of myself in front of the masses of uber tech geeks like our own CIODude.

Speaking of which... today I looked up ISP hits on my blog. I've never actually done this before and I found it fascinating. Like that someone from X Organization reads my blog. I always feels slightly nervous when it's someone from some professional organization I know... like today I noticed some hits from a certain law firm. The first name is a person's name and one of the middles a often-times cold dark place. If you're an IT person, say hello in Florida should you be going. I don't know why nervous... just that I guess there is this huge chasm between who I am professionally and who I am personally. It sucks to say that but it's true.

I wonder what the world would be like if we didn't have to be different professionally.

Today at The Zoo, one of the attorneys hugged me hello. That was nice and different... One of the partners asked about my tattoo... they quoted The Gita even... "Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds." Says Krishna to Arjuna a nd apparently Oppenheimer when he witnessed the detination of the first nuclear bomb.

Trippy.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:03 AM | Comments (2)

August 19, 2006

It's 7:25pm on Saturday Night

I haven't packed an item of clothing.

My demo isn't working.

I haven't prepared any of my various gadgets for my trip (i.e., laptop, external drive, iPod, cell phone...)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:25 PM | Comments (0)

Mr. Happy Face Man

It is 11:17pm on Friday night. We have tickets to the Zoo for the whole day tomorrow and I leave at 9am on Sunday.

This is only important because my demo still is not done and I haven't even thought about the second demo. I will be pulling that out of a hat somewhere around midnight the night before.

Or, in other languages, I'm screwed.

I spent late afternoon at the kid's Summer Camp Fest. Jumpies, slides, tattoos, beads, colored sand making... We had one of the hardest things as a parent happen. The Son has been talking about a friend he made, they were "best friends." He wanted to have a playdate so I talked to the mom. We talked for a bit and then I said "So, what grade is BoyX going into?" .... "Oh, he'll be in kindergarten." I didn't know how to act when I responded, "Oh, well, uh... The Son will be in 3rd grade."

Let's face it... the majority of parents would find their kindergartener having a playdate with a 3rd grader somewhat odd.

I would have.

I didn't think much of this actually until later when BoyX came and told The Son that his mother had said no to a playdate. The Son was absolutely crushed. He couldn't understand and how do you explain that? He said things like "But we didn't get to do everything we wanted to do." We said things like "Think of all the fun you had together." And he'd get the final word with something like "It's not fair."

You can only think... it isn' fair.

We will need to revisit it with him. He was very, very upset. He's a sensitive kid.

-----

For date night we went out to KC Tandoor. We've never actually been there and so I was stoked to see they had dosa on the menu. We got a nice masala one, some vidaloo and some korma. I asked for hot on the vindaloo, The Husband asked for medium on the korma... holy cow that korma was sooo hot! It was also amazing. $8 for dhal, entree, rice and raita. That rocks.

After we met Tiff and The Model for a glass of wine... then got stuck in race traffic.. were late getting home to The Nanny. When we walked in the door we felt like teenagers:

"We're sorry we're late. We met up unexpectedly with friends and had a drink... oh... I'm really sorry."

I thought it was funny when I uploaded the pictures from today that there was a shot titled:

Mother Daughter Tattoos

followed by one titled:

Father Daughter Bracelets

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:26 AM | Comments (0)

August 18, 2006

Prayer Is Beautiful

Tonight JMS was teaching a class at the health club. I knew this because English John emailed me and told me he was going..... I pinged Tiff and told her that if she wanted some pictures, she should come down because I don't have the appropriate lens for taking yoga pictures yet but we could play around. She did.

I have to admit that, at first, it was REALLY fucking hard to watch people do yoga. I was excited to try out the camera but the lighting was horrible (and no flash to balance it out) and I don't have the right lens for zooming so it was hard to get the real shots I wanted. It was still fun to take and I got some great picture that I love.

Tiff clearly has no spine... make sure you view the second or third backbend sequence in flash order.... I depressed the shutter and just left it depressed for the entire drop back which means that I got the whole thing in split second shots... it's pretty cool to watch it fast.

I made the stupid mistake of trying to assist Tiff in Bhekasana... as soon as I reached under her shoulders I knew that it was stupid... so I gave her a half assed adjustment... DUH.. as if I could use my muscles that way.

After the class we got to hang out and talk. JMS made mention of my being very binary. I AM! That's what makes me a GREAT programmer.... that's what makes me ROCK at my living. I THINK in binary.

Yea, thinking in binary can be a bummer in other places... but, for the most part, I do okay.

My doctor sent me an email telling me no yoga for 6 weeks. Not even no yoga, absolutely no pressure on the repair for 6 weeks. This means no going braless, no sleeping on my side and NO impact whatsoever... it would be nice to ignore this advice and completely stupid... the last thing I need is another surgery.

I went to the dentist today... it feels like someone is jack hammering through the left side of my head... the dentist could find nothing wrong but told me that I'm grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw and billed me $375 that I don't have for some thing I have to wear at night to stop the grinding... if it doesn't work I'm gonna be PISSED OFF.

I leave Sunday for Florida... my demo still isn't working.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:11 AM | Comments (28)

August 16, 2006

Better Horizontal

Wow... so I was watching So You Think I Can Dance (don't ask. it was on while I was washing the dishes and my hands were wet so I couldn't change it) and this man just got on his tip toes, dropped back and flew up and over to his knees.

Today I saw The Daughter nearly die. We went to go for a walk and run some errands including dropping off Gregor Maehle's book to a girl who lives down the street from me. The Daughter brought her California Chariot and she kept getting ahead of me because I can't run after her (too much bounce). So we turn around to go back and she's going down the hill. The street lets out into the busiest street in our neighborhood where people SPEED like FREAKS... and she can't stop. I'm screaming, f'ing screaming at her as I watch her go BOOM into the street... I see the bumper of a car... he stops... I am still screaming... now I'm screaming STOP STOP STAY THERE... she turns around and comes back. OMG.

The gentleman in the car stops and talks to her, I'm trying to catch up... he comes to me, slows... I apologize profusely, feeling like a really terrible mom... I explain I have just had surgery, I couldn't get her... I was screaming... I yelled at her all the way home.

Later I apologized and told her I was just so scared and then, maybe not the best thing to do, I told her that if that ever happened again, she should jump off the bike/scooter/chariot before she got to the intersection as whatever injuries she'd get by jumping would have to be less costly than getting hit by a speeding car.

The Husband and The Son were off to an Indian Guides event tonight so The Daughter and I then made mac n' cheese (the really bad organic kind), had a picnic in bed (as we were walking up the stairs she says "Daddy would never let us do that!") and watched Shark Tale.

Can you believe that I now have this gnarly pain in my teeth/head and I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. What the heck is happening to me?

This picture was a toss up for the Picture of The Day... I love it... you have to look at it for a few minutes:


She also demonstrated that she can do "that one pose where you lift yourself up"

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:36 PM | Comments (5)

August 15, 2006

War What Is It Good For?

I used to make a lot more political posts ... back when I was a new mom and I was sure that I had it all figured out When I, pretty seriously even if I wouldn't admit it, thought that if you did x or y or z with/to/near your children you were simply not an evolved parent at all. People that I've known through that stage and beyond sometimes comment on it. I also resopnd that it's the yoga... With yoga comes a mindful and moderate mind... As a wise teacher I know but haven't seen in weeks (*sob*) once told me "There is no fun in fundamentalism."

I think I've been having too much fun lately though.

Kathy is doing a raw food cleanse. I should be doing that... I have this opportunity without the practice and instead I look at it as this total bummer, this thing I miss.. instead... I could be doing a cleanse, I could be studying the sutras...

Instead I'm eating like crap and drinking alcohol. It's like I've given myself free reign to wallow in my own self-pity and choose those cliche "make you feel better" choices.

I read this article today and it has me really thinking. My first reaction was "Heck, I'm glad these things could save my life" (although, I guess, they already did or, in the least, the death that one must go through when under a treatment of radiation, anti-nausea pills and chemo). Then it hit me that I was talking about a woman who's breasts saved her in a war....

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:58 PM | Comments (0)

August 14, 2006

Renegotiation

So I'm already failing on my attempt to take a picture a day. It's 9:47 and I haven't thought of a picture for today... so, in an effort to not make some stupid ass attempt at taking one or just choosing someone else's, I'm just not going to put a picture up. *GASP*

In other news, Hello Mr. Boss... I'm pretty sure I royally screwed myself earlier today when I forwarded an email to my boss. The email was sent from my ashtangi dot net address and, as a result, I'm sure my boss, who is no dumb ass, will have followed the link and, therefore, found my blog. So, in an effort to not be one of those blog cases, I'm simply gonna say, yep, here I am. I talk mostly about yoga so it will bore the shit out of you but there's a couple cool people you know who read here ;> (I'd link them but I have no idea how they'd feel about that).

Speaking of yoga. The more I thought about last night, the prouder I am. I am so proud that I actually have the mindfulness to understand when I'm about to lose it. To sense and know and feel the emotions as part seer. That's the magical golden nugget of yoga and, likely, of most spiritual practice. I still feel like a stupid high schooler for leaving as I did but, I'm also quite proud that I saw what was happening and was able to avoid something worse.

In stark contrast to The Lady Who Could Care Less from yesterday, tonight my neighbor came over and talked to me. She told me that she's received phone calls from other neighbors asking why they didn't know I'd had another surgery and why there was no "meal train" setup. The Good Neighbor said that she wasn't sure but that I didn't seem receptive to the idea. So she asked me why... and I broke down in tears as I told her that I was having a really hard time accepting help from people, that I feel like I've asked so much from everyone for the last year. Shit, I don't think I could ever ask KJS to like do anything for me... This was such an honest conversation and she told me her thoughts and she told me that I was an inspiration to her and to the other women on this street and that we don't live here for the houses or the funkiness or the vision that this is where we really want to live forever... we live here because our kids are growing together and our way of helping each other is to do things like cook dinner when babies are born or people are going through a rough time.. it's what we do. It really made me stop and think about how much I can't allow myself to accept help or compliments or people picking up their half of the tab. Some deep seated something that I have to figure out.

I am leaving for Florida on Sunday... I am actually and quite literally having pangs about not taking my yoga mat. It's like I feel like it's my favorite pillow... what if I feel like trying yoga while I'm gone or what if suddenly The Best Doctor In The World tells me I can practice. Silly... 'cause the best thing I could do would be to be in Florida and not practice... give myself another week to rest and make sure things are settled. I think I can actually do it because we all know there will be plenty of freaking chances to get wasted enough that one forgets... that's what these conferences are, right... social events mainly with some knowledge transfer in between. I've never really done the whole social circuit thing. I have an invitation to every main party this year, I swear. Including our own CIODude's wine tasting (though he owned up to giving his own staff a taste test to determine the winning wine(s).. he should have just asked me!) with one of our larger vendors. Can I really leave my yoga mat behind?

I think I can, I think I can.. I think I can.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:47 PM | Comments (3)

August 13, 2006

Bummer

Last night was the first night that I stayed in my own bed. It only happened because I was determined to stay there and not because I suddenly found any comfort in sleep or just plain comfort. The overriding seems to be when I attempt to lay down, the weight of my arms causes the "tacked" area to become stretched or, somehow, the weight pulls on that area and it hurts. I literally have to lay down with pillows along the sides of me so I have somewhere to rest my arms that is level with the edges of my breasts. It sucks.

I decided to try to "get back to normal" today so I checked the movie listings and decided to take the kids to Barnyard while The Husband dealt with the issue of my car being dead (the tow truck came, dead battery). I guess I should have known that the day was destined to be the worst day yet when we got to the movie theater, bought tickets only to look down at the tickets and see 12:15 instead of 10:30. I went back to the ticket agent, the reader said 10:30, these tickets say 12:15. She was completely uninterested and simply said Nope, no 12:15... and turned away. I returned again and asked for a refund... we drove home with the kids completely upset.

I was getting frazzled so I let them play two hours of media while The Husband was dealing with the car issue. I suck. I worked while they were doing it.... something to take the focus of my mind away from how miserable I am that I'm not "normal."

I'm just SICK of feeling SICK. I'm sick of not sleeping and I'm sick of not being able to walk without feeling like I have to hold my breast and I'm sick of not being able to drive comfortably and I'm sick of not being able to do regular things like go to the grocery store because I have to figure out HOW I'm going to get the groceries into the car or ask for help (and when a perfectly capable LOOKING woman asks for help you should see the types of looks you get from the bag boys...) and I'm SICK of not being able to do yoga. I'm SICK OF IT ALL.

Today is rock bottom.

When The Husband got home he insisted we go to the beach as a family in an effort to get me going.... we went... I sat in a chair the whole time...trying to find a way to find comfort in a chair. If I leaned too far to the right, well, the right side hurt, too straight and I felt like I might explode, too far to the left and the left side hurt. I just wanted to sit and hold my boobs together and say a big F YOU to anyone who looked at me.

The anger was building.

I tried to read... that didn't go well.

Then I noticed a little girl, walking back and forth, back and forth. She was probably 5. Everytime she walked past, she was a bit more distraught. So I approached her. I got down to her level and I said "Are you lost?" She said she was. So I introduced myself "Hi I'm Julie." I stuck out my hand for her to shake, she did. I pointed out The Daughter and The Son and I said "Those are my two kids, The Son is 8 and The Daughter is 5. I'm a mommy too and I'd like to help you." I asked her if it would be okay if I helped her look for her mommy and if that would make her feel less scared. She nodded, on the verge of tears but clearly trying to keep it together. I asked her if she knew where she had come in from.... she didn't... I asked if she was with just her mom... nope, mom and dad and aunt.. I asked what color bathing suit her mom had... pink leopard skin bikini (uhoh!)... so as we started to walk, the man who was sitting by us looked at me like I was an axe murderer and said "You should take her the lifeguard station, it's right there." I told him "I think I'll take her for a walk first and look and then try that." The thing is, to any 5 year old, getting taken to the lifeguard station is FAR more terrifying than having someone help you find your mom. He looked at me as if I was insane (his own 3 year old at his lap...). So we walked and I couldn't believe how far we walked when I see a woman beckon to the girl... so I said "Is that your mommy?" She said it was... pink leopard skin bikini and all.. the woman was completely nonplussed... didn't even GET UP from her freakin' chair. First what was her FIVE year old doing that far from her eyesight... second, I had seen a little boy with the little girl originally but then they lost track of each other so I said to the mom "She was wandering around lost and I could see her getting more and more upset so I helped her... did you have another one?" The mom says that yes they did but they could see him walking towards them. This was at LEAST 15 minutes after I saw the little boy nearly in tears walking away from that area looking for them. How does a probably no more than 4 year old get that far out of sight? Anyway, I left the girl with them and saw the boy finally find them. Imagine how terrifying to be on a beach in So Cal on an absolutely gorgeous day packed with people and NOT be able to find your mommy.

After we came home I decided that I was still okay and was going to go to the gong bath I got invited to by one of the girls at the studio. The woman is amazing and a truly gift and special soul. I've been to a gong bath before so I figured it would be amazing to do it in the comfort of someone's home. So I go... I ran into a lovely old friend whom I adore and was surprised to see there... another woman who I used to see when I was a Waldorf parent and whom, concidentally, transported the B12 shots from my midwife when I was pregnant with The Daughter. Lots of people from the studio... and Tiff showed up.

So space is getting limited and I talk to the hostess as she understands my situation so we agree that I'll lay on the couch so I can be propped up on pillows... I tell Tiff to share the couch with me... so we mingle and right before the thing is to begin, Tiff and I are laying on the couch getting comfy when this woman says "Was there a black jacket there?" I say "Yes, right here" and she proceeds to inform us the jacket was saving her spot (only the hostess had had us put name tags on our spots)... so I walk over to her and quietly explain that I've just had surgery and cannot lay flat. I was astounded by this woman. She simply didn't care... she was not going to give up "her couch" because, apparently, he husband or date or whatever was "too big" as she told me. Tiff found a spot on the floor and I looked around but, really, I knew there was no way I could lay on the floor and I certainly can't sit upright that long especially after doing the beach... I was already feeling the strain. The woman was completely unbelievable. She and her man sat down on the couch like they were staking claim to real estate and just kept looking at me like "I dare you to try it." In the end, I just couldn't hang. I could feel the tears welling up inside me and, rather than make a scene, I simply left.

I felt horrible leaving. I tapped Tiff on the head and said "I can't do this I have to go." She kissed me goodbye and I hope she told the hostess that I was just overwhelmed. I literally ran to my car where I burst ino tears and had a meltdown right then and there.

I called The Husband and proceeded to cry and tell him how I was sick of all this and sick of feeling incapacitated and sick of not being able to normal things and just sick. I cried and sobbed... I felt like an idiot... and yet I was just out of control...

... I drove home.... The Husband had a glass of wine waiting... and here I sit... miserable... feeling like a stupid high schooler for leaving like I did.

On the other hand, I didn't want to ruin the atmosphere or experience for anyone and I knew I was on the verge of tears and I knew I was likely to go off on the Completely Inconsiderate Woman who cared only about her own needs...

I'm sick of all this.

And I really wish I had gotten to say goodbye to the dear friend that I hadn't seen in forever there.

So I asked my kids to do a sad face for my Picture Of The Day... this is what they came up with... though they laughed the entire way through the picture.

Please God, Ganesh, Shiva and Hanuman.. please make this the worst day. I can't take much more.
In more teary eyed ramblings... this was my post 3 years ago... wow..definitely moving.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:30 PM | Comments (5)

August 12, 2006

The Perfect Picture!!!!

Date night last night was fun. We stopped first at the wine bar we like in HIllcrest. We sampled a few types of Pinot, a Cab and a Syrah. After we stopped into the Indian store, CoHabitat and looked at all the beautiful fabrics and statues and the like. Then headed over to California Cuisine for dinner.

Okay, close your ears, I'm going to admit it. I had ostrich. I feel horrible about it but, at the moment (a few glasses of wine in my liver), I decided it was so interesting and wierd that I wanted to try it. It was very interesting. I really hope it isn't endangered... I didn't think about that until this morning.

I got pretty drunk last night. Drunk enough that when I woke up this morning I was notably hung over.

I have two shelves in The Cabinet That Holds "medical" things. The main cabinet shelf, the larger one, has all of our homeopathics, herbal and other holistic remedies. The smaller, top one has the very few pharmaceutical type drugs that we have. I notied that The Motrin is now located on the main cabinet shelf. It's scary when we have those moments of clarity.

I spent the morning at Quail Botanical Gardens with The Daughter at a birthday party. It was a great party.... no jumpie, no magician, no animals, no princess... just a garden, a homemade obstacle course and a small treasure hunt followed by a tale of a medicine woman and her healing ways. I took off 250 something pictures. The majority came out really good, I was surprised. A few I completely screwed up. It's been really fun taking pictures.

I took a few more later, after dinner, and took this lovely one of The Son. He rarely lets the camera capture his light so I love it.

The Husband washed my car in the driveway... now it won't start.. we're totally bummed.

One more week to the conference in Florida. I don't even have a working demo. I suck. Even worse, I'll probably completely embarrass myself in front of the audience...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:53 PM | Comments (2)

When the surreal

comes to life.

I was reading Under the Southern Cross tonight and followed the link therein when I started to thing about this whole blog thing. It's wierd, on the one hand I seriously fight being as open as I can be on this thing and, on the other, it's like "Yea, okay, this just these flimsy thoughts."

Tonight I got a card from CIODude -- like a real live, can touch, card... not an e-card... it was such a magical thing. Sometimes we forget about the very real, touchable people on the other end of the pipe (and there are lots and lots of pipes).

The Husband told me tonight, on date night, that he doesn't care one way or another about my getting another tattoo. I sorta feel like the next tattoo is the "edge" -- the one where "Okay now I got some tattoos" and the other "Well, I gotta couple still fit into suburbia somehow." If he doesn't care, why they hell do I care what anyone else thinks.

Tiff is off listening to Tchakowski with The Model (he is, afterall fairly hot). This is what I played during my first birthing experience. For the second I played Tibetan chanting.

Most enchanting of all, however, was the call I got from YogaChickie. I saw the phone ringing and I thought "Oh, New York, not sure I want to answer that (completely un-yoga related)" but it rang and I was sure I didn't recognize the number so I answer. It was YogaChickie. She was outside the building she was supposed to meet with The Best Doctor On The Planet... he was a no show. She called the right person though. How many people can tell you that they have not only the doctor's cell number but also his direct Blackberry account link and his home phone. I hope it worked out okay (I got an email from him saying "yep can do" -- after the one where he told me I couldn't stop wearing this freaking bra... which followed the one where he told me I could take the steri strips off -- OWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

Tonight was date night. We went to the wine bar in Hillcrest and then dinner at the restaurant we've gone to every year on our anniversary for the first 10 years. Last year, 11 years, we went somewhere new to mix things up.

We are hopelessly normal people.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:32 AM | Comments (5)

August 10, 2006

Lena's Painting

It took me a bit to decide on a picture for tonight. I think this might be a great exercise... figure out some picture I can take for everyday. I was sorta hunting around for something to take a picture of that reflected some part of how I felt today.... after taking some pictures of this really cool Buddha head The Husband once got me, or the cool wood on our dining room table (the only thing in our house that I really helped pick out)... I caught a glimpse of the painting in my office and decided it was perfect.

Today I officially decided not to go to Rolf's workshop. That sucks. I was totally looking forward to that. It would be silly thought, I can't practice and I don't think I could sit through a pranayama workshop and I have to be in L.A. on Monday... still sucks no matter how I justify it.

The Husband asked me tonight why I justify what I'm gonna eat. I had said that I was going to have ice cream 'cause I've had such a crappy day. He told me I should just have ice cream to have ice cream. I told him I'm way too analytical for that... there's always the reason why.

The Daughter won the Super Star Award today at gymnastics camp for "flexed arm hang." When I asked what that was the coach told me it was her holding herself up to the parallel bar, chin over the bar, elbows bent, hanging... and that The Daughter held herself the longest of anyone and, so, she won the award. As I waited for The Daughter I thought about what this says about her. She's five, she's competitive clearly, otherwise she'd have just dropped without effort... and, yet, she's like "yea, so... I could feel my muscles... at first they were all really hurting, like I could feel them from the inside... but then it was okay and Joanie almost won but then she let go." Pretty cool. She's strong and she's determined. That must be such a powerful feeling to have at five. It took me to 35 to feel that way.

I'd like to feel proud about it but I doubt it has much to do with me. It's just who she is within herself, the part of us that isn't touched by the silly things that go on around us. We all have that little part... the part that makes us us and not in the ego sense.

Today I attempted downward dog. Stupid.. yes... but I didn't have my palms flat and I was like no way...nope...this is stupid. It's like my body is going just as crazy as the incisions are itching. The Husband said "Well, your body is used to stretching every morning. I couldn't imagine not stretching every morning." It's true. Since the day I met him, The Husband has gotten up in the morning and, at some point, before or after shower, but ALWAYS before his day began, he stretched. It is part of his routine. I guess I never really noticed it before.

Then he said that and I thought, yea, you're right.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:08 PM | Comments (4)

August 9, 2006

Done Modeling

Ha... When you select "Blog This" from Flickr it uses the title of your picture for the title of the post. It couldn't be more perfect.

Done Modeling!

I'm done...

Blah freakin' blah.. yea, yea, the physical practice is always there, it doesn't matter what pose you are on, oh, I can do my practice in my mind... blah freakin' blah...

You know what... I can't even entertain the idea of Paschimottanasana...

You know what... that SUCKS... it sucks big green you know what's...

I'm just sick and tired and I feel like that picture over there...

Sick... that's what I am.. sick... work sucks.. work is too hard... why do we have to work? I know I should divorce The Husband and marry someone rich... then I don't have to work... come on, I could get someone rich.. why the hell not, I'm cute... and I can fool 'em.

Ah, who am I kidding... I've bee with rich... money don't buy everything.

Okay, I feel like this because I'm down in the dumps because I can't do yoga.... yea, thats it... I can't do yoga.

Why oh why do I feel like there is a striking resemblance between my current spasmodic and completely irrational feelings and the rantings of an alocholic ala "Dry" -- scary.

----

P.S. K -- I finished both of them... liked Dry better.. prose is nice... wit... have you read his others? Lost Heartbreak.. can't find it in the bookshelves... was one of those books like yours out in the cabinet in the hallway. Must be here somewhere.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:14 PM | Comments (2)

Mommy Hugs

Last night was probably the worst night yet. I'm in that in between stage where I'm not in a lot of pain anymore but nothing is quite right... I spent half the night on the couch, the other half in bed, back to the couch, back to the bed.. it just SUCKED. By the time 8am rolled around I finally passed out.

Next thing I know all 3 phones in the house are ringing at the same time. I woke slightly unaware of what was happening but recognizing that something was unique. It finally dawned on me that the noise was a phone, or, rather, 3 phones. I thought "Damn, someone really wants me!" I looked at the clock, 9:15... Holy Moly I'm totally late. The 3 phones ringing, by the way, was mere coincidence... someone happened to be calling my office line at the same time someone was calling The Husband's office line at the same time the window cleaner was calling the house... Without that coincidence, I likely wouldn't have woken up and missed out on the fun of getting this thing removed from the hole in my head.

And, that, my friends, is the incredible fun I got to have today. The nurse practitioner was treating me today. It's scary when you have a literal hole your head to be seen by anyone other than an M.D. So she lays me down in the chair, looks around a little then, boom... dude the freaking woman pulls the gauze out of the hole in my head.

With my heart racing and I'm thinking "Now she has to put more back in!!!???" she proceeds to tell me that it looks wonderful, I'm clearly a fast healer and she doesn't think she needs to repack it again. I can't decide if I'm elated because she doesn't have to pack it again or freaked out that I'm now going to be walking around with a hole in my head.

She leaves me with instructions to wash with shampoo gently (apparently shampoo is a nice cleansing agent for holes in the head), ALWAYS blow dry my hair and to have The Husband take a look at it today and then again in a couple days to make sure it has closed over. Oh, and I get to wear Aquafore in my hair all week. Lovely.

Most disconcerting of all, however, was The Husband's reaction to looking at said hole in my head. I thought he might pass out. Now The Husband has seen some pretty gross stuff all things considered in our marriage... a couple kids born, me being sewn up, my mastectomies... but this was the most grossed out reaction I've seen him give and I'm thinking "Uh, does it look THAT bad?" He runs into the closet with shivers, says "Okay, okay... I'll look this time." Uh you didn't get a look before and that grossed you out that bad?

I haven't even tried finding a mirror to look myself.

I was warned to sleep on a towel tonight.

Heck, at least I was given the okay to sleep on the back of my head.

If only sleep was possible.

------

Later, while The Husband went to a work dinner, the kids and I sat outside and took pictures. I was forced to take pictures of various Legos (though I was impressed with my camera during such adventures)... but then The Son took this wonderful picture of Me & The Daughter. That rocks!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:00 AM | Comments (2)

August 7, 2006

What's For Dinner 8/7/06

Tonight I was chatting with KJS when I reminisced about the dinner she made me the night I got out of the hospital. John came over and we munched on freshly made guac, leftover bean something and then a nice creamy cheesey bean dip that Kathy threw together. So I went to the store and recreated it tonight for dinner. I think The Husband thought I had lost my mind... so not my usual thing to eat. I even ate tortilla chips (real ones with salt and everything... organic and whole food based but still)! Yum, yum. Maybe she'll add her recipe to her recipe section... the other bean one is already there.

Today I picked up The Daughter from gymnastics camp. She's now learned to jump into a handstand, drop over into a backbend and then kick back over to standing. WOW! She's FIVE!!!

Today the pain was much less. In fact, the itching was far worse today than pain. HOORAY. That's a sure sign of healing... but, man, the itch... it's horrid.

I have an appointment to get ink on Wednesday evening... I'm debating whether this itch will be done by that itch because if there is one thing I learned this week it's that ONE thing is enough in and of itself. The thing on my head is driving me insane. Tomorrow I go to have it looked at. So ink or itch? Ink or Itch?

I'm so frustrated that I've bitten most of my nails off again.

I really, really want a zoom lens for my new camera. I am really really trying not to convince myself it is okay to purchase one. Really, really trying.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:43 PM | Comments (3)

August 6, 2006

What's For Dinner

Man, my middle section and ass are going to be HUGE by the time I'm recovered enough to consider exercise!!!! I decided this evening that I'd have a beer, which I rarely do... and I remembered that in the back of my fridge was an Orion "The Beer of Beers" direct from Okinawa, stored in someone's carry on luggage all the way here to Southern California, just for me (okay, well, maybe it was for my dad but he shared!).

It's funny how a food (or in this case a drink) can bring back so many memories. My life in Okinawa rocked. I was young, fearless and on the edge... I spent my days partying, my days working some meaningless job. I hung out with the richest people on the island, cruising around in their souped up cars, racing here and there, smoking pot, drinking a lot of alcohol and otherwise being a rebellious early twenty something living at home. I guess it wasn't necessarily rebellion so much as living.

Today I went to the studio, to visit Tiff while she worked... there are already people there I don't know.

Last night I literally couldn't sleep. This thing on my head is hurting more and more... I ended up on the couch at some point... I felt exhausted all day.

I can no longer touch my toes.

I can however, push the shutter button:

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:58 PM | Comments (4)

August 5, 2006

7 Day Itch

Today was a much better day as far as physical pain goes. I still walked around cradling my breast unconsciously most of the day (and periodically feeling the odd stare of someone thinking "What the hell is she doing?") but, for the most part, it wasn't the pain which was making me feel like I was going out of my head. Occasionally my head would start to ache really bad and I'd get this vision of the packing being pushed out of my head. That's exactly what it felt like anyway.

I laid in bed with The Daughter this morning watching SpongeBob. Then I very tenderly took a shower and washed my hair. The shower was already difficult without any support in the surgical area but add in not being able to get the back of my head wet and the shower is no longer a refuge of water infusion but a place to figure out how to stand.

Later we went to lunch where I got mad at The Husband and told him not to speak to me for the afternoon. Man, we can all be bitches can't we ;)

We also went to Target to get all the kid's school supplies. I have vivid and fond memories of "Back to School" shopping... back when Back to School shopping wasn't a marketing slogan and full bore ad campaign. Since we lived way out in the desert, there were no stores, no malls... we had like one stoplight and a stop sign through town and a Del Taco. That's it for "modern urban living." Every shopped at the local Ben & Brothers store as the "all purpose" store, at pizza at So & So & Son's and shopped for groceries in the one single grocery store in town. Hahahahaha and I was always the wierd chick with the black hair and the wierd clothes... Anyway, I digress. We used to drive two hours to San Bernadino (and, mind you, as a kid that was a HUGE place) to go shopping for school. We got to get all of our school clothes, supplies, etc. Funny I don't remember us needing the huge list of supplies we are now given for our kids but definitely the backpacks and the lunchboxes. The Husband never went back to school shopping in his life. He usually wore hand me downs and made his own lunch. Whereas my childhood was obsessively materialistic, his was unfathomably difficult. They weren't poor but his mother was checked out and he got the brunt end of the stick. It's when our childhoods become so disparate and we endeavor to do something together that I notice subtle issues that probably exist all the time.

The Husband wanted to reuse all the existing things we have. The banged up lunchboxes, used two pocket folders... and I wanted them to be able to get excited over school and their new lunchbox. That's how I always remember feeling about it. It's not that I don't see the value in what he's saying, it's just I want them to have those fun memories too. That's probably really really selfish on my part. Interesting how it pans out to discuss it though and figure it out. Generally in times like these we come to some medium, not too far one way or the other. In reality, we keep each other very balanced from falling off a medium ground.

After we got home I slept for two hours! I never, ever take naps. I am constantly amazed at how just this surgery which is nothing compared to what I went through last year, still has the ability to knock me to my knees. I can feel the muscle shrinking out of me. I fell asleep on the couch and it was so comfortable FINALLY that I'm debating just sleeping there!

Then I started to feel it.... I was rested, feeling a bit less pain... and it hit me... that itch. I haven't felt it much since last Friday... It's been a full week since I last practiced. 7 DAYS..that's IT. I should be able to do this. I'm not addicted (right?). I felt it nonetheless.. the desire to practice. I spent time wondering how long I might not be able to practice and if I had/have the willpower to go back to practice slowly. It's all too enticing to go back full bore. Imagine what Kapotasana feels like when you haven't done it for a few weeks... Well, okay, maybe not Kapotasana but, like, Marichyasana B!

We booked our annual trip to Mexico today. We can't afford our regular vacation this year but we decided to go anyway. I had two free nights with the hotel chain I stay at with work and we were able to get a discount using the corporate rate attached to my account on the 3rd night. It's not the cool Mexican deal, definitely a US chain but, it's still Mexico. It's still on the beach with a waiter by the pool (not that I ever order anything really but it's nice to know I can... if I'm not practicing this year maybe I will). We're pretty stoked but a little worried about childcare. Usually we'd have The Nanny until Grandma gets here but, if we don't have her, we're going to be really scrambling. We are manifesting that it is working out.

Kathy told me Smart Water tastes like tap water so today I tried tap water. The tap water in NYC is totally different than the tap water here. Our water is, frankly, gross. I'm back on the Smart Water.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:53 PM | Comments (1)

August 4, 2006

Sweet Home Chariot

Last night I slept like a rag doll. I was propped up on pillows, small pillows under my arms, Kathy's neck pillow she lent me for the plane around my neck. I woke up in a semblance of sleep and I wondered how much longer I'd have to do that.

My goal today was to have a regular day at work. The Nanny came over today for our talk. I'm not entirely sure how it went. At one point we all agreed that she should look for work elsewhere and that, in the meantime, we'd be tapering off with The Daughter so that it could be an easy transition with respect to the bond that they've formed. The Nanny has more pictures on her cell phone of The Daughter than of her dog, cat, fiance or family. I hope that we all handle this whole thing with love and attention. They spent the afternoon playing Monopoly and Sorry in the living room.

In the afternoon someone that I know from yoga as well as the neighborhood invited me for tea. It was my first social endeavor and it left me winded and tired. We talked about yoga, mostly. Philosophy. I drove myself to the health food store and stumbled through the aisles feeling incredibly tired and sore, in pain, wondering why I was even there. I managed to pick out a bottle of wine and then nose dive just like the plane the other day. By the time I got to the car I just wanted to pass out. I saw a girl from the studio and my first ashtanga teacher there. I didn't talk to either.

When I got home a wonderful and inspiring yogini had delivered me a whole boatload of food. This woman, while I see her rarely anymore, is truly the definition of kindness and patience. Her own health history gives her something extra special, one of those people filled with white light. The Husband apparently told her I was out "running errands" -- I asked him if he told her "yea, looking for my brain." I was so very touched by her kindness and thoughtfulness and, to be honest, practicality. The Husband simply can't figure out how to make dinner and I've had nothing but snacks for the past 5 days. I can't lift the freakin' pan so there's little I can do about it myself and I was grateful for the food. Tonight I had grilled veggie lasagna with corn potato thingies and grapes. Tomorrow I get to try strawberry chilled soup (YUM!) and eggplant parmesan.

I've basically been laying in bed ever since. I'm exhausted and sore and frustrated. Yes, I know it will pass...right now I'm just going to stew in my own pity.

I was reading Gregor Maehle's Yoga Sutra commentary and I love this quote:

He also [Vyasa] says that the poses become yoga asanas only when they can be held comfortably. Before that they are only attempts at yoga asana.

I make a whole bunch of attempts and am addicted to the comfort in between. The Husband and I talked about addiction and disease tonight... it's pretty hard for me because I view everything as a choice we make. I try really hard to see and understand but I'm still not sure I do. I've been accused of that my whole life but I still keep trying, just like yoga asana.

Speaking of, at tea today my friend asked me when I was first introduced to the philosophy of yoga/ashtanga when I began the physical practice. When I thought about it later I realized how coincidental it was that I would see my first ashtanga teacher at the health food store. I was in too much pain to talk to her so I didn't but it was conicidental because I've never learned this practice without philosophy and, moreover, without the aspect of the traditional of Ashtanga Yoga. While my first ashtanga teacher was hardly orthodox all the time. Every Tuesday night was an "advanced" class. First series. I can still vividly remember, vividly, thinking that I would never ever be able to do first series. I always knew where the practice came from, the underlying philosophy and Guruji and all of that. While I'm not sure how I feel actually about that teacher and other aspects of her journey, I have to say, I was blessed to be introduced to the traditional practice of Ashtanga Yoga from the beginning. I've never done anything else.

I'm now going to watch What Not To Wear... which I'm now addicted to thanks to Kathy and John who told me how great it was and made me watch it with them ;) Those New Yorkers, the lot of you! :)

I completely forgot to talk about going to Lahore for Chai. It's sorta like how you always hear about going to the coconut stand in Mysore. Or when we all used to go to E Street before the studio moved (we don't have a place now)... It was awesome to walk from Eddie's to Lahore for chai. It's like this little tiny whole in the wall place with, like, real chai. Kathy also took me to an awesome hole in the wall Indian restaurant that John took her to. I really dug it... we don't have stuff like that here unless you count the overwhelming number of hole in the wall Mexican restaurants.

Here's to hoping for a night of sleep... sleep ... dream even... maybe.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:13 PM | Comments (1)

August 3, 2006

Pure Fin Mess

That's me. I'm a complete and total mess of a human being. In fact, I'd go so far as to question whether I even qualify as a functioning human being at this point. I got up this morning after a long and restless night. I couldn't get comfortable all night. I'm dying to sleep on my side or just be on my side for a moment, that's impossible (remember this tidbit of information for later). Forget about asana, I just want to move 80 degrees to the right or left and find comfort. My back is starting to ache, I can't sleep flat, can't sleep sitting up. I'm miserable. I drove this morning to Starbucks, got coffee, then drove over to the dermatologist... to get this thing removed from my head.

I was near hyperventilation when they started. The guy probably thought I was nuts. I couldn't lay down in the chair, hadn't eaten anything all day so they made me have chocolate (twist my arm) and water before they started. The were supposedly going to numb up my skull but the needle went in, I felt some wierd all over tightening sensation and then the next thing I know I feel this odd sensation of scraping in my skull. OW! As it turns out, they couldn't just remove the sac because I burst the sac. Me and my yoga.... so they literally pushed the pus out (nice)... then scraped what they could. Then they had to pack it with gauze and I have to go back because, apparently, the hole will eventually push the gauze out as the sac gets pushed up or something like that. Doesn't that sound like fun.

I'm JACKED up. I came home and tried to sleep and guess what .... I can't sleep on my back because this thing is on the back of my head... I can't sleep on my side... so how in the hell am I gonna get any sleep. This SUCKS.

I'm a complete and utter wreck.

After I got up I had to pick up the kids and was so freaking messed up that I actually ordered Domino's Pizza for their lunch AND gave them juice boxes... in addition, I let them spend 4 hours in front of media today... they are gonna dig mommy being screwed up! Mommy, mommy why don't you have MORE sugeries.

In good news, my new toy came today:

Ganesh, my first subject:

Look how pretty!

A leaf.. I love how I can change the focal point... and that the picture even captures the very tiny spider's thread:

The Son, post pizza, saying "PLEASE take The Daughter's pictures instead..I don't WANT you to take my picture":

The Daughter, happily posing:

Clearly I'm gonna need a new lens... man, those are expensive... I guess I can't fanagle anything else for my birthday from my mom or husband though ;)

I still haven't decided what to do about The Nanny. I recognize that the majority of the issues leave this morning at 3am... but am I willing to forgive the lapse in judgment? I don't know. We have a meeting scheduled for tomorrow... I might just lose it on her given my state of mind but hopefully I can act mature and rationale and hear what she has to say.

I'm woefully behind at work... it's horrendous really... my brain is fuzzy, my body hurts, my head feels horrid.

The lovely Kiran has offered me up a nice dinner on Monday night which I'm looking forward to.

Kathy insists she can parallel park a mini-cooper but I didn't see such claims.. and Vanessa is about to land Bakasana B leaving me still the only person on the planet that can't jump back from Bakasana (well at least I have a nice cozy excuse for my ego now).

I miss the studio.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:52 PM | Comments (7)

August 2, 2006

Le Citron

It's my new favorite:

Whole lemon pulp and fresh mint infused caramel.

Damn, that's really good. Le Citron.

I decided before I even bit into that wonderful piece of Chuao Chocolate that I was going to eat the whole box. Lest you think I've truly lost my mind, I had already cheated and eaten a few over the last couple days. But, still, there is trying to choose which is going to be very, very last one... should it be the coffee buttercream inside a coffee bean shape bonbon? Or, maybe, the Gianduja (hazelnut and almond paste enhanced with fresh vanilla and raw coffee).. or the Frambiose (One layer of hazelnut almond praline and one layer of raspberry "pate de Fruit.") I'm saving the Picante (California raisin fondue and Napa Valley cabernet caramel, spiced with pasilla chili and cayenne pepper) for The Husband. The thing about really good chocolate is that eating it is like yoga itself. See, they always tell you it's not about which asana you are doing or, in my case, not doing...

I ate the Java one -- so far Le Citron still wins.

So, The Nanny... oh The Nanny. I won't go into the gritty details because it isn't my life and, truly, it really wasn't a part of my life until this week, or, rather last Thursday, when The Nanny brought it to my life. So far, even with all the stuff I know about her boyfriend and whatnot, I've never had any doubts that when she's with my kids they are her top priority. Maybe I don't even doubt that now, I don't know... I'm trying to detach a bit from the anger and let go and see if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I know this is me because The Husband says he is willing to sit down, talk and try again.

The Gianduja has a bit too much vanilla. Le Citron still rocks.

So, we'll see. For the most part she completely blew us off this week for her, sometimes psychotic boyfriend. It's a tough week to have no help. On top of that The Husband had kept something pretty major from me due to my "condition" which I am ready enough to hear today (or, so, maybe he thought). Apparently last week The Nanny couldn't get out of some school tuition meeting so she left my kids with a friend at Carls Jr. Granted, I expect some friend was utterly responsible and a nice person, that really isn't the issue. She left my kids with someone I don't know, didn't meet and didn't agree to. It took everything I had to sit my kids down and ask them what happened and not make it seem like a big deal. I understand why she did it and I completely respect how hard she's working to make it through school and I know in my heart that she would never have left them with some wacko but, still. It's just not cool. They are my kids. There's no way really to describe the emphasis on the word kids unless you are a parent. It's that parental thing, it just is.

Okay, Le Citron wins hands down.

I've agreed to talk with her on Friday and perhaps I will mellow out about it by then. If I do it will mean no going anywhere with the kids for awhile. We are here at home and they can be here too, there is no reason for them to go places. One of the things The Nanny does is take them to the human society to see animals, Rite-Aid for the quarter machines (which I have NO patience for but my kids literally SAVE QUARTERS to go to), she lets The Daughter go to Marshall's and try on shoes for a half hour (I would NEVER have the patience for that). I feel myself softening towards the situation and just sitting down and talking and seeing what my gut says then. We'll see... I can also be a mad ass bitch for a long time (as 3DStickman nods--by the way he gave me all the Chuao Chocolate :>).

Today has been better. Less pain and now more pure irritation at the incision sites. Because I have to wear these big huge bra things, the underwire rubs against the incisions and that makes it triply worse. Nighttime is the WORST. It's horrid when you go to, say, turn off the speakers like I just did and it hurts to turn the little knob. I know it's just the first few days and things will be fine, been here before, but man it still sucks. And I'm a Whinger... we all know it.

I forgot I have to go get this thing removed from my head tomorrow. Fun.. I mean, hell... let's just go for the gusto. Heck, at least I have gnarly drugs if I feel ike it tomorrow night. Man, how can people take those things.. just the come down from them SUCKED. I heard there is like a huge blackmarket for those pills, highly addictive, etc. I can't believe it. HOW could you live on that?

Today I tried to stretch my hamstrings.. they were surprisingly tight but not tight. I could still touch head to knees fully straight legged without engaging the front of my body (that's the key)... it'll be gone in a day or two. I feel like it would be so wonderous to stretch through the front of my body... and, yet, I know I can't... that's the worse feeling of all.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:33 PM | Comments (3)

It's Pouring

You know that saying "When it rains it pours" -- well I think that saying was designed for my life. I can't think of a time in my life when some major event hasn't been followed up with a bazillion other little things to drive me insane, test my will, feed me to the dogs... why is it that I'm destined to live through life's little lessons with one thing piled on top of another? Why WHy WHY?????? Why ME? (said with a huge whiney (whinger) face and hands thrown up to the sky).

I can remember as far back as getting married. The Husband and I decided to get married at the end of the school year (March) when I was finishing my BS and he is MA (or whatever it is he has). Really really smart. Try doing a senior thesis and planning on big church wedding.

As far back as I can remember we have always done the "big things" (ie., getting married, buying a house, having children) in tango with some other huge life event. I swear we don't plan it that way, it just is.

So I can't help but say it isn't without surprise that the shit hit the fan today... and The Nanny is going to be history. The bummer is it isn't my feelings I need to deal with. The Daughter will be upset, she loves The Nanny. Frankly, there is no excuse for what she's pulled while I've been gone and on my return. I don't know what we are going to do. We have another month before school starts and this is horrible timing but, at the same time, I can't be a good parent and continue to put my children in a situation that is potentially dangerous (and, yes, I mean dangerous). My rationale mind knows that the majority of the strife is leaving for Iraq at 3am on Friday morning and that, likely, things would go back to normal; however, my parental brain sees what has happened and the absolutely unacceptable behaviour she has displayed both with my kids and in general regarding her employment with us and I cannot, in good consciousness, excuse it.

Now I'm left recovering from surgery, with two presentations at my annual conference in 3 weeks neither of which I've prepared for, a regular full time job and no nanny... no freakin' nanny. This is just what I needed today.

As Tim says, this is when my yoga practice comes in handy... this is it right? This is it. This is when all those yoga karma points add up and I handle this with grace and dignity. In fact, I can just see my mother claws coming out and I'm about to go ballistic on this 25 year old girl. Breathe... inhale... exhale... they are safe and sound... inhale...exhale... this is easier than kapotasana... inhale... exhale.. we'll find a way through this... inhale...exhale... wait..where did the air go?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:01 PM | Comments (7)

August 1, 2006

Hard Knock Life

You know that life has taken a downward turn and you're living someone else's reality when you go from doing this:

after a two hour practice....

to attempting to go to the bookstore and the health food store and feeling winded after 20 minutes....

In good news... the Canon Rebel has been ordered... I'm drinking a glass of wine since I decided to wean myself off the opiates. Tiffany's chocolate covered raisins are calling my name...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:59 PM | Comments (4)

Internet Spin

Yesterday was a pretty crappy day for me. I spent the majority of the day hopped up on my drugs. It would be nice to kick back and enjoy that feeling but, frankly, I'd rather be sober and doing yoga anyday... The Husband reverted back to his usual less-than-helpful self leaving me basically on my own. As a result I barely ate all day which probably wasn't good for me either. Around 4pm I asked him to go to Victoria's Secret and buy me a bra. The goal is to push these puppies as close together as possible while the pocket is forming so a good push up bra is the trick. I never like cleavage so I don't own one already. At least I managed to convince The Husband to go for me.

I spent most of the day researching cameras. I think the Canon is the way to go though it is definitely more expensive and I'm trying to convince myself it is okay to spend money on it. My mom is contributing some as a birthday present which offsets some of the cost but, I'm still trying to justify the cost. The Nikon is definitely less expensive but appears to be the less favored camera all around too. I am trying to get up the courage to order it today... and NOT feel bad about doing so.

The Husband was supposed to be in OC today for meetings. Last night I was super stressed and ended up yelling at him about it. It's just that I feel so last fiddle in his life. I'm his wife and I've had surgery that has left me hung up and he's more concerned about getting on with his regular lifestyle than worrying about me. When I had my original surgery he wasn't even HOME when I got home because he was at work. My last time around he didn't come with me... this time around he couldn't fly out because of work and now he's telling me on my third day home he's got to leave again. I ended up telling him how less than it makes me feel and we argued. That's how I fell asleep.

When I woke up this morning I noted he was still home though he should have already been gone. As it turns out he did stay home though he didn't tell his coworkers WHY. I think if he told them WHY things would be different but he says it is too personal to share. I told him I share it with the world, why should he feel conflicted about sharing it. I'll never understand. We talked a bit this morning and I told him how hard it was for me to accept his help knowing that I forced his hand. He told me that he was sorry it took me getting angry for him to see his priorities were screwed up and so we are trying to work around it and I'm trying to be vulnerable.

I haven't taken pain medication all day. I just took some Motrin. Hopefully that will lessen the pain and not make me so messed up.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:09 PM | Comments (12)