facing inward

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July 31, 2006

UGH

When I got home from the hospital they had wrapped me up in this wierd ace bandage type stuff... only the bandage was sticky... it was wrapped ALL THE WAY around my body, under and above my breasts. I gathered the point was to help support the breast and perhaps take some of the pressure off of the incision areas. The doctor had told me that I could remove it yesterday. The experience was excruciating. It was like pulling a bandage off an open wound. It took forever as I went slowly. Debating the whole time whether it would be wiser to just let it rip. Since I didn't quite know where the actual incisions were, I decided I couldn't do that and slowly I went. So slowly...

By the time I got it all off, I was wishing I had just left it alone... forever. It definitely did it's job... gravity is not your friend when you are dealing with post mastectomy recovery. I can't even tell you the state of my mind when I actually looked in the mirror. I look horrible. My breasts looked pretty damned good before and, now, well, now, they look horrendous. Granted they are swollen and distorted from being operated on but I am scared. I know this is silly... but my drugged out brain has replaced Julie's Rational Brain and here's where I'm at.

I woke up in the morning at 2:30 in dire pain. Sobbing... I couldn't get the lid off the pain meds. The Husband finally heard me and helped...why I can't ask for help more easily I don't know.

I've decided that for my birthday (September) I want a camera; however, since I can't practice, I want the camera now and I want to learn to take nice pictures. I am debating between the Canon Rebel and the Nikon D50. I can't afford either. This surgery has taken every last dime I had to my name... I asked my mom to pitch in and she's willing. The Husband said he's going to pay for some of it. Now if I could only find a really good deal on a camera or some way to pull it off... I'd really like to focus on learning this while I'm off practice, giving my mind something to do, my heart something to lean into. Silly maybe but where I'm at. Any thoughts on the Canon vs. Nikon? Advice, contributions or admonishments kindly accepted :) If I get one, I'd love to practice taking some beautiful yoga shots. Perhaps I could come to the studio one day and practice picture taking, wouldn't that be fun!?

Tiff brought me some beautiful flowers from herself and Hanuman yesterday. Orange, my favorite color... a wonderfully beautiful thought. THANK YOU. She also brought me a bag of chocolate covered raisins and almonds. There goes my ass. The Best Friend then brought my FAVORITE chocolate and a lovely card that meant a lot. I was so drugged out when I saw them that I have a vague recollection of saying thank you (so if I didn't say thank you, I thought I did ;>).

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:03 PM | Comments (11)

July 29, 2006

Scary Ride

Kathy and John got me to the airport, escorted me as far as they could and then I prayed on the kindness of strangers to get me through the journey home. After going through security I asked the security lady to place my bag on my shoulder, after sitting down waiting to board, I asked the gentleman next to me for help... once I got on the plane I had the flight attendant help me get situated... a boy (though he was likely at least 16) with severe Autism was seated across the aisle from me. I grew concerned a couple times as, obviously hearing some beautiful symphony in his head, he would violently play conductor. I wish that I had been in the time and space to engage him for he seemed able to hold a conversation and was flying alone. I was too drugged up and in too much pain to think of anything but one of those hands accidentally nailing the side of my body. I did however feel sadness at how many people simply stared at him without consciousness to their actions.

About 3 hours into the flight, the plane suddenly dove. The entire plane screamed. Drinks flew all over. Jabbed out of my opiate induced stupor, I grabbed hold of the armrest only to recognize I can't grab... my pec enaged and BAM instantaneous and distinct pain. After everyone calmed down, I looked at my watch, 45 minutes until my next dose... My hands were shaking like leaves in the wind. The sensation of the plane diving was scary enough since I hate to fly but add that to the unintentional effort to "save" myself and I spent the next 45 minutes watching the clock. At least I didn't spill hot coffee all over me like the guy in the window seat. The ladies behind me hyperventilated for a good 15 minutes and kept saying "I want to get off." Yea me too! It was then that I remembered I had forgotten to give Kathy back the little Ganesh she gave me for surgery. I dug it out of the jacket pocket I had put it in at the hospital, placed it in my palm and fiddled with it until the bumps (each of which I felt with acute sensation) finally evened out and the seatbelt light was turned off again.

When I finally had to go to the bathroom, I wasn't sure what to do. The flight attendants were all male and though very kind, I wasn't entirely sure I could get myself into the little bathroom, get the door locked and then get it back open. Fortunately, a lady was standing there and I asked her to keep guard for me. She kindly did so that I could just knock and she could unlatch the door for me when I was done. One advantage to being a yogi is that I have successfully flushed all toilets I've used since surgery with my foot including the one in the tiny airplane bathroom.

The Husband was able to meet me at the gate... when I saw him I just put my head on his shoulder and sobbed. Everything that was in me was just done. Just done. He brought me home, bathed me, washed my hair for me, unpacked all my shit (Naga Kanya is sitting right next to me) and made me some food.

And now I find a way to integrate back into the real world... I'm still in pain. I hate the drugs. I can't get comfortable. I don't want food but I am craving popsicles (which we don't have for some reason). Kathy got me started on those I think but my kids, apparently, ate all of ours.

The Husband and I were talking -- I started Ashtangi.NET but I never expected the blessings it has brought me. I have briefly looked at some blogs and seen so many of you thinking of me. What an amazing, amazing thing this is. Thank you ALL... truly THANK YOU.

(Tiff got your msg.... but haven't had the ability to think about talking. I'll be here all day tomorrow -- as if I could go somewhere else)... thank you for thinking of me... bless your heart, I know this is your big weekend!)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:51 PM | Comments (6)

Goodbye Big Apple

It's 8am. I was hope all night. The Maracaine must have worn off at some point and the pain kept coming on stronger and stronger... I also started itching all over. I fidgeted and tossed and turned, got in a fight with Lucy The Cat over who was allowed to sleep where and finally, after my second dose of the Hydro-stuff got a half hour of sleep here and there after 4am. At least I'm just flying today... it's gonna be a tough day, I'm really uncomfortable and have some actual pain. If I had known how much better I felt yesterday and how coherent, I would have just flown home while the good drugs were still in my system.

Last night I got to meet Sweaty Brain and allow him to wait on my hand and foot as well. Perhaps all this is my karmic lesson in learning how to accept help. Or perhaps I do too much yoga.... or perhaps it just is. I suppose it doesn't really matter. Sometime in the middle of the night I regretted doing this but I suppose there are no do-overs and so here I am having to deal.

I need to write my teacher and let him know I'll be gone again for awhile. I was admiring my bicep last night and thinking how fast it will go away.. how much the road ahead is filled with work both mentally and physically... and how many times I can revisit this place.

It is now my solemn promise that the next time I visit New York City it will be ONLY for fun. Only for fun.

I hope the pain gets better otherwise normal life, kids, cooking, driving is going to impossible. I know I can't drive right now, probably can't lift a pan (well I know I can't since the coffee cup got heavy this morning)... and I have to explain all this to the kids again.

Road to Recover... here I come.

In good news, I realized, it's the perfect time to get that tattoo -- can't practice anyway.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:04 AM | Comments (8)

July 28, 2006

Opiates

KJS made me a killer dinner last night and we got a nice bottle of wine. I was nervous and full of dreaded anticipation but okay. We decided to get up for practice, first series, this morning so we set the alarm for 5am. I actually ended up sleeping which is amazing since I never sleep outside of my home and when the alarm went off, Kathy came stumbling in (she was nice enough to give up her bed for me) and we proceeded to have this conversation:

K: Shall we go?
J: Mhmmm... it's up to you, I can go either way. I can't believe I slept last night.
K: What do you feel like?
J: What do you feel like?
K: Sleeping
J: Okay let's sleep

The next time we got up was nearly 8!!!! We had to be at the hospital at 9:30 so we scrambled everything together to get ready, K walked Gus, I took my last shower.. then K gave me this charming little Ganesh that was given to her to keep her safe in Mysore.

As we neared the hospital, my stomach grew queasy, I had second thoughts. When we drove into the parking lot I tried to get my nose ring out and it wouldn't come. I recently moved to a nose stud rather than a nose screw and this was the first time I tried to get it out. It simply wouldn't come out. I pulled, I twisted, I pushed... no go. Kathy, bless her beautiful heart, even stuck her finger in my nose to get it out. In the end we decided that if they had to cut it, well, they'd have to cut it, but we weren't getting it out.

After admittance, we explained the nose ring situation and they decided they would simply tape it down. Then they tried to get blood out of me. Literally, I was dry. They couldn't get enough to do a CBC panel and they weren't going to stick me again. They decided to let the anesthesiologist try it himself. Lucky me. K, as usual, was wonderful, holding my hand, hugging me, watching me cry. I serioulsy considered scrapping the surgery.... but I recalled the previous night, holding my left arm up so that it would support my breast, having to turn over this way and that to get comfortable... They taped my nose down. Then, an hour early, they wheeled me into the OR.

I was scared, shaking, crying. The anethesiologist came over and said that he had heard I do two hours of yoga everyday and eat healthy so he wasn't going to worry over the CBC and instead was just going to start the general. I freaked out a bit since yesterday my doctor told me he would do it under twilight so they decided to wait to hear what he said.

My doctor, just the most amazing soul on the planet. A true giver. A wonderful bedside manner. He walked up and said "Take that tape off her nose, that's silly!" We did the twilight. He reassured me. He asked why I had taken Motrin the other day. I sheepishly responded "Oh my back was sore from backbending." His response "I hope you are over that backbending stuff."

I'm not sure how to take that and I didn't want to ask at that moment or I might have sprinted out of the OR in my lovely surgical gown, down the street and into the unknown yonder.

Of course, the next thing I remember is waking up, my doctor telling me things were fine. Groggy but definitely not whacked out. The man in the recovery room next to me snoring very loudly. The little Ganesh placed nicely on my stomach. When I returned to my room, K was there waiting. I immediately sent her on errands: Starbucks, banana bread and fruit. Starbucks never tasted so good. I noted early on that I wasn't in too much pain but I also knew they had given me maricaine (like novacaine but not for teeth). My right side, surprisingly, was the only place that hurt. Shortly they released me into K's care. I walked out of the hospital on my own two feet.

On the way home the pain started to come, we got water, I took my opiates (hydro something with acetaminophin to make it stronger), I felt better but loopy for sure. I'm actually doing fine, better than I expected but definitely in some pain. I remembered today that I still have to get this thing removed from my head so, it's perfect timing as far as yoga is concerned. We watched a Sharath demonstration which was fun and then I became K's Kapotasana Teacher (she says I'm mean) and told her she had to just try it because I know it will be easy for her (we are currently waiting for J to get here to help since I can't help adjust her to show her how to do it). I made her do the research poses and Laghu Vajrasana too :) Make is a pretty strong word since essentially she could knock me over with a flick of her finger but, heck, as my teacher says "Tone is everything!"

A few personal notes:

-- 3DStickman thank you for your voice mail. It made me cry. I'm blessed that you've been my best friend for 17 years now and I know you mean it when you put your heart into that message. Thank your lovely wife for me too. We need to have you guys over for dinner sometime soon (though perhaps you have to do the cooking ;>).

-- Strangel, thanks for your thoughts and offers of help... I know you know more than you can say in words.

-- To my dearest, Lucia, I'm so sorry I didn't call you. I know how stressful your life is right now, I'm not good at asking for help and I didn't want to be a burden for you. I love you dearly and I hope you know you are always in my thoughts.

-- To the NYC Ashtangis -- thank you for being so welcoming, loving, helpful and beautiful. I'm truly inspired by your practices (having absolutely nothing to do with asana since, for the most part, I saw none of you practice). You are truly all living your yoga. It's a testament to your discipline, your practice and your teachers. Namaste.

-- To HockeyChick-Soon-To-Have-New-Name ... did you like it? did you like it?

-- To YogaChickie -- thank you for your hospitality. To offer some unknown blogger your home for the weekend in your absence is truly an exercise in bhakti. I will never forget your kindness during this time for me. I have a much greater appreciation for your experiences know... be kind to yourself, be patient and be proud. You are treading your path, finding your light and learning when a lot of people would have flipped the switch and given up.

-- To my hero, Kiran. THANK YOU for always checking on me, thank you for offering to help even when you are so far away. Thank you for encouraging me, for feeling with me and crying for me. Thank you for understanding even the things we don't actually say out loud.

-- To Cameron -- your message this morning brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your thoughts. You rock (and it is official Gus is the biggest choco-holic of us all...while we were gone for surgery, he literally FOUND my Dagoba bar in my suitcase and ate the whole thing, wrapper and all... just one tell tale little piece that gave him away).

-- To Neti -- your words of encouragement are getting me through this right now. I know it will be there for me again... I know you are right.

-- To KJS -- There are no words to say... no way for me to appropriately thank you. You are an angel. You are a yogini. You are an inspiration. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

and, lastly, but very importantly,

-- To CIODude. I am speechless. Your email was simply one of the most amazing things ever sent to me in my entire life. I am shocked into silence (which is pretty hard). Not only was it loving and moving and entirely appropriate (I think you have some sort of mixed up notion of what is appropriate and what is not) but thoughtful, encouraging, reminisicent... flat out completely amazing. I think it was one of the most amazing emails I ever received and I am going to reread it when I am NOT on drugs. I am so fortunate to have met you and to have stayed in touch with you all these years. Though SMRH was the thing to do for my career, it was certainly a personal challenge to accept and a loss on my part. LOML is a blessed person. All I can say is thank you. I'm speechless.

and now the opiates have taken over... so I'm signing off.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:46 PM | Comments (5)

July 27, 2006

The AYNY Review

I had a pretty rough afternoon yesterday. The Husband, in my opinion, felt guilted into offering to come to NYC to help me.... only he's not capable of doing it selflessly and he's certainly not capable of doing anything spontaneous which meant that to pull off a trip in less than 24 hours left us arguing on the phone and me feeling relatively horrible. He said that he had a big huge meeting at work today which meant that he could only take a red eye. I know him well enough to know that if he had to take a red eye, tomorrow would be worthless for him and since the surgery is tomorrow, not much good for me. He also said that he didn't want to be the guy that puts work in front of his wife... well... what can I say. This is my third surgery. My third time alone.. the third time KJS has been my saviour. My karma in life is to have a relationship where emotional support is not something I get. I ought to be used to it by now and I suppose I am... that doesn't mean I'm not disappointed.

I debated here and there about canceling the surgery. There's no real reason that I have to do it right now. As I laid in bed last night and was uncomfortable, I realized, that I have to have the surgery... if not now then sometime... so why not now. I hadn't changed my return flight or done any of the work for arranging this event by the time I went to bed though.

KJS picked me up at 5:45 this morning... to go to AYNY. I admit to being nervous. In fact, my stomach was churning a bit (or that could have been the Red Bull I drank). I also admit to being a little sad that I wouldn't get to do my whole practice. When we walked in I saw another person that I knew already practicing. The room is way smaller than I expected but very lovely. Eddie was waking up Ganesh when we arrived and we put our mats down in the last row, right in front of the door. The humidity has increased today and it was hot... really hot... I only did 4 and 4 on Sun Salutations mostly because I was having a hard time breathing in the heat. My practice wasn't as strong as yesterday... not as light ... physically or in the heart... I had a difficult time with balance today. I do find it a little disappointing that there are no adjustments at AYNY unless they know you. At our studio, assistance is given where needed or wanted regardless. I recognize how difficult it is to assist a student you don't know but I think the lack of adjustments is part of the demeanor of the shala here. First series was fine though mat space was TIGHT... tighter than our studio on a regular day and more like teacher training days.. an inch between mats... and with long limbs, this means I had a difficult time doing things like Tithibasana, heck, even some of the forward bends I was hitting the girl next to me.

I admit to looking around just a bit... not much actually... just when I happened to be looking up anyway. I was expecting, based on everything I've heard, to see nothing but perfection at AYNY. I was "happy" then to see normal human beings with all the regular things we see in our studio -- heels up in pasasana, towels around the legs for twists, etc. I did find a few interesting differences... most notably Prasarita Trikonasana... I noticed nearly everyone I saw do this pose with alignment that was really different than what we are encouraged to do. I know this is one of Tim's favorite adjustment poses though so perhaps we get extra emphasis on it. Of course, Utthita Hasta is done differently because we do Trivikurmasana at the end.

So when first series was over, I was a bit disappointed. KJS and I had talked a bit about asking Eddie if I could do my whole practice given my circumstances. I did a backbend at the end of first... but then Eddie came to help KJS with Pasasana... so I got up my guts and I stood up and asked him, after explaining that I was having surgery Friday and that I was indeed someone he had talked with before via email, which he seemed to remember, if I could do my whole practice. He said "Your last practice before you start again" and told me to go ahead. Still no adjustments so Kapotasana wasn't a heel day but I definitely had straight arms after dropping back and getting to the mid foot was no big deal on my own, no discomfort... I'm pretty sure I could have held my heels if someone had helped me get into it. I exited completely incorrectly though... as I went to come up someone walked by and it threw me off. So I went back to B and when I tried to come up right, I hit the girl next to me for like the third time. I told her I just wanted to exit correctly and that I was done. Eddie did assist me in Supta Vajrasana... and surprisingly keeping hold of my feet was pretty simple and he wasn't holding with much force at all. Backbends felt good but after the first one I was near sobbing. This huge release was welling up inside me and if I had been anywhere else I would have started sobbing out loud. I cried for 30 seconds then up into another backbend. I was able to stand fine but after being so upset dropbacks were much harder. I did 3 but the last one was horrendously floppy and plodding. Eddie was waiting for dropbacks after. I'm always amazed at how different everyone does dropbacks. At Tim's we do back to the head, 3 back halfway then hands down. At Yoga Sutra we did back to the head for 5 breaths, 3 halfway, all the way down. Eddie had me do 4 halfway and then the last one down (which KJS says is not normal and I assume this is a result of the plodding dropback).

At AYNY they usually move to the backroom for finishing. Eddie told me to finish where I was. This was a bit disconcerting because, literally, no one else did this. I did it though but felt a bit wierd doing savasana while everyone was practicing so I moved for savasana only. Eddie patted my leg with a loving kindness twice, shook my hand before I left. I'm not sure why he has such a hard ass reputation... I didn't interact much with him, granted, but he seemed nice enough and encouraging enough.

After practice I got to meet Rew which was a wonderful pleasure. She is too sweet -- she brought me some soap and a beautiful statue that has brought her many blessings herself. She'll have to type the name of it (by the way email me if you still can't comment, I think I fixed it this morning) for you... but it moved me to tears that she thought of me like this. Rew, KJS, Hockey Chick and a couple other people then went to Lahore for Chai (I can finally say I've been ;>) and then I made it back to the hotel on the subway all alone ;)

After feeling such an emotional release, I know that doing this now is right. If I have to do it, and I do, just get it done... forget waiting and thinking on it and having to come back here for it... let's just do it and be done with it... everything is setup and waiting for me... so I came back to the hotel, fixed (I hope) commenting on Ashtangi.NET, changed all my flights (oh and I got permission to do first series tomorrow before surgery!!!), got everything arranged... and here I am.

Ashtangi.NET is amazing. Not only have I met some wonderful people... but people are so giving in this community of yogis that we have here.. never underestimate the value of friendships that can be formed through this box. Not only is KJS my hero and a true inspiration and example of a giver, REW is so thoughtful...but Lauren has kindly offered up her apartment for me someone she's never even met in person. The blessings I have received from having started this website have been overwhelming at times and it moves me to tears to know that so many of you are out there and feeling with me and for me and encouraging me through all of this. I wish I wasn't doing this, I wish I wasn't having to go through this.. in fact, I'm distraught over it but, as I've said before, with so many people sending me so much blissful pure energy, I can't be anything other than okay.... so thank you and Namaste.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:43 AM | Comments (9)

July 26, 2006

Positively Giddy

... on cloud 9... high as a kite... I might as well have had 5 shots of espresso and some LSD. If this were my normal life instead of this insane vortex that makes my head spin, my heart writhe in fear and my soul feel like withering and dying (yes, I'm being overly dramatic but, hey, unless you've had to get your breasts sliced open, give me a break -- I already know those of you that have, are already giving me a break)... anyway, if this were a normal day, I'd be on the phone with The Husband right now, tracing over my practice until I got to the juicy bit that I'm dying to tell... It's 5:30 on the West Coast and I'm fairly sure, as happy for me as he'd be, he would be less happy to hear the phone at this hour....

which leaves me with the anonymous but loving reader set I have here at facinginward ---

I got up at 5:30, had half a Red Bull (heck 5:30 is 2:30 my time)... walked the block over to Yoga Sutra.. I was a little pensive... this would be my "last" practice --- in the very least my last full practice since I understand at AYNY I will only be allowed to do first (?) -- I wanted to cherish it (been here before but never with my practice as it is right now). Practice started off a bit wierd but soon because this loving, amazing place I go to. I laid my mat next to the Hanuman... I thought about that Vedic astrologer and how he told me hard times were coming and that Hanuman would be there for me. I decided I would dedicate this practice, hold out my hopes and lay my fears with the God of the Wind. I was just perfectly spot on today... my driste held up, my strength was there, my flexibility out of this world. Everything was perfectly aligned. I think today might well have been the best practice of my entire life. There isn't really much to say other than everything came together. Every pose in first series felt perfect. I asked if I could continue... the adjustment in Pasasana was different and a bit wierd. Krounchasana today felt like I was floating on some cloud.... my leg was so straight and so aligned even I was surprised. Dhanurasana was suprisingly amazing. I thought about what JMS had said about people having their thighs down but back arched and I concentrated super hard on keeping both with the same energy. Ustrasana felt, well, right for the first time every.... and, of course... Kapotasana.

Kapotasana.

Kapotasana became my friend today.

I hemmed and hawed at first. I saw Christopher watching me. I laughed (people take this practice very seriously out here... no talking whatsoever, no giggles, no verbal.. just the energy... not bad just different) He, of course, had no idea why I was laughing! I went back and was amazed, emotion welling up inside, when I could see the ground and my hands were still in Namaste. I dropped back, my arms were straight... straight, head off the ground, I walked them IN... walked them IN... no struggle. I was really hoping Christopher was going to help me at this point but he didn't so when I couldn't walk in any further, I put my head down... then I got help. He only got my fingers touching the bottoms of my heels... I had a perfect exit today... it felt just amazing to come up that way.

Then I set up to do it again.

Christopher looked at me funny... so I actually asked him if he would do the adjustment without my putting my head down first. I just HAD to know, given how open I was, if I could go further.

I got my heels.

I couldn't hold it there... but I had my hands on the tops of my heels/ankles... Left side first...then right.. and then my entire spine on the right side cracked... all the way up the spine... it was like the sound of God. I grunted out of pleasure but Christopher must have thought I was scared. I had no fear down there... I was stunned into bliss.

I came up... Christopher looking at me. I said "Did you hear that crack!!!" He said "Was that what you made the noise for?" I said "YES!"

Heels. I got my heels.

It may very well be the last time I see Kapotasana for quite a long time. Making new friends sucks when you know you won't see them again for awhile.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:22 AM | Comments (1)

July 25, 2006

No Other Post Title Would Do

... than the four letter word that starts with an F and ends with a K. I just want to say that word over and over and over and over... and over...

Flew into the Big Apple yesterday. The weather here is perfectly beautiful. The hotel I'm staying at rocks... I really like it other than the fact that in the afternoon/evening there is no hot water in the shower (!?). It's in a great part of town, very central, clean, modern, a killer bathroom... The plan last night was to get up this morning, jump in ex-blogger KJS' car and head to AYNY for practice. I had to go out to dinner with my coworkers but I made it very clear to everyone that I would not be drinking, that I would be in bed early and that my "party night" would be either Tuesday or Wednesday.... As we sat at dinner I got a txt from KJS -- today Moonday in NYC. Bummer. So last night turned into my party night... and party I did. I drank way freakin' too much including shots of hard alcohol which, if you know me, you know I don't drink. We walked forever and I was wearing plain wood platforms with 3" heels... my feet are now a mass of blisters and broken skin (not pretty). It was a late night or, rather, an early morning... I got very little sleep and what sleep I did get wasn't worthwhile. I woke up feeling horribly hung over, miserably tired and woefully scared.

I spent the morning driving up to Tarrytown to see my plastic surgeon. In my heart of hearts I knew that he would tell me I would need to be opened up to fix my left side.... I was hoping he would say "Well that's just the way it is" so that I wouldn't have any choices to make. As of this morning, and, frankly, as of this moment, I still have/had no idea what I wanted to do.... but I was pretty shocked when he told me that both sides need a fix... in fact, he needs to tack shut the pocket on both sides. The first thing he said was "I wonder if any of this has to do with all the yoga?" What was the title of this post again?

So here's the situation:

My left side falls way off to the side. When I lay flat on my back, the implant slides over my muscle which feels really really really disconcerting but, more importantly, after I lay there for awhile it starts to hurt because of the "pull" of the implant falling off my side. This is the issue I can't honestly say that I want to live with forever. I don't lay on my back and I'm often uncomfortable enough to mention it while laying in bed at night. I'm 36 years old.

My right side has a little indentation at the top... I figured this was cosmetic only and haven't really given much thought to it other than to consider it my "cancer scar" -- turns out, he thinks it is the same issue on both sides just that on the right side it is falling down and not to the side.

He thinks both implants are too low (man I must not remember what normal perky breasts look like).

To fix it, I have to be admitted to the hospital, not a general anethesia but the twilight sleep... it will be painful, I will need to take massive drugs. I won't be able to practice for the rest of the summer (at least).

I'm freaking out. I don't know what to do. The answer is simple, if yoga wasn't such a huge part of my life I'd just do it.. but, man, I just can't fathom doing this again.... and I know this time I have to be serious about not going back to yoga early... and I have to be serious about taking it REALLY slow and I have to work through all the scar tissue again... and I just want to cry and sob and weep....

My doctor is so wonderful, he is fitting me into his schedule for surgery on Friday. My flight out is Thursday but I'll have to change it. This afternoon KJS and I had water in the park... while she may not be at Kapotasana like "everyone she knows" ;) KJS has the heart of a beautiful angel. She's offered to let me stay with her, take me to the hospital, back to her house Friday night and get me on a plane with my bags checked Saturday morning. That's a true yogini.

I was so stressed by the time I was done with the doctor that I became (as if I wasn't already) a "Bad Lady" -- without anywhere to practice, I called my friend and asked if I could borrow his rooftop, hoofed it all the way to the East River and then practiced overlooking the Empire State Building.

Tomorrow -- work all day... Thursday, my only day to play... I plan on practicing with Christopher at Yoga Sutra tomorrow morning which will likely be my last time to have a full practice. *SOB* Thursday, Eddie's with KJS ... Friday, if my doctor says okay, first series... but I probably won't be able to because of the surgery and dehydration... What was the title of this post again?

REW -- I'd really really love to meet you.. can you meet up tomorrow night or Thursday? YC, same deal... let me know. My email is acting hokey for some reason right now but it should be fine after the server at work is functioning.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:07 PM

July 22, 2006

Mental Preparations

I'm sore. It's been a long time since I've felt the achingly painful day of "first day back muscles." On the other hand, I probably won't get much yoga in NYC.... I hear that I'm booked solid, even. Man, that sucks.

I haven't packed a thing... not even, really, my computer. Eh... just can't fathom all that I have to do right now.

Got my haircut today... like 3 inches they cut off... and he put these little bangs in. I've never had like bangs... and you probably wouldn't notice if you saw me but there is this one little part that simply hangs in my eyes... Plus I can never pull off making my hair look like they do anyway. It looked good anyway until I got home... we have no air conditioning... it's hot. I don't ever remember a summer like this one, this early on... imagine what August will be like. Today I was sitting in my office upgrading Ashtangi.NET to the new blog version and I realized that I was very close to passing out from heat.

I had a brief thought that practice in that humidity would be fun.

My next thought was that I would quite literally pass out if I tried it.

I think, in part, that my lack of interest right now in everything is my inner self trying desperately to practice non-attachment. I'm a little, okay a lot, freaked out that they will tell me to "fix" my left side, they will have to open me up again. I'm just not leaning one way or the other. On the one hand, it is uncomfortable enough that I should fix it. It is something I notice everyday and therefore it is uncomfortable enough. On the other, man, I don't want to go through any of that again, especially, frankly, even now that it seems like maybe the pose that is going to force me to break through all the bullshit in my chest is in my lap (strong scary beast that it is, it's still embraceable). Neither hand is feeling more full so I guess I'm trying to just not think either way and letting the moment come and go as it comes and goes.

I don't think I can even ask to practice tomorrow since I am leaving for 4 days and I was gone most of the week all day long... I can't do it... that's crossing the line to inappropriate for my family life. Shit that sucks but it's okay.. I have promised myself to ask for just a bit of time to practice on my own... I do, afterall, as Tiff reminded me the other day, have a room I built to double for practice space.

Lord knows, it'll be hot and humid as a sauna in here tomorrow since it's really the garage and gets no ventilation. Rock on baby.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:35 PM

July 21, 2006

Red Toes

Jenna spent the night with me last night. The plan was to practice at like 8 instead of 7 but I woke up, surprisingly, as normal, got dressed, had some Yerba Matte (okay, okay, and a handful of Motrin.. I was anticipating pain)... then we decided to just go... it was 6:30. Class was, of course, fairly empty since Tim is still out of town. It is so hot and humid that I was dripping by Sun Salutation 3... I've stopped doing 5As and Bs until I'm really tight, I only do 3 now days anyway and I felt sufficiently warm. Parivritta Trikonasana was an exercise in faith... that my body would remember the practice, that my mind could relinquish the squalor it's been living in and that I wouldn't topple over directly into The Australian's knees. Fortunately, I managed to come out without a scratch. I crapped out in Bakasana again today. I'm determined to maintain my status as The Only Person On The Planet (who practices yoga) Who Cannot Jump Out Of Bakasana. I win. I win. Seated came and went. I find it funny that now I think getting to the end of first series is just the mainstay of the practice... no longer the end... nothing to note or take note of. I debated, heavily, second series today. Having not practice, ingested a lot of crappy food and way more alcohol than was good for me, I thought perhaps I should go lite and just do first... it is Friday afterall... in the end my ego won out and I decided I would punish myself for my completely non-yogic attitude and force myself through Kapotasana (because let's face it, I wouldn't hesitate to engage second series if I knew that Kapotasana wasn't staring me down, waiting to mutilate what is left of my precious facade). With Jenna practicing next to me today I had quite a few opportunities to distract myself, push it off, wait it out (the fear slowly curving up my spine and into my head)... I watched as she learned tick-tocks from The Australian...then I watched when JMS defied gravity, literally, for what seemed an eternity in an effortless handstand, straight legged descent with his feeet barely hovering above ground 1-one-thousand, 2-one-thousand (man that looks easy), 3 one-thousand (how the hell does he do that, 4 one-thousand (the man is Jesus he walks on air).. and then effortlessly push back directly into chatarunga. He, apparently, had no clue why Kiran, Tiff and I all burst out laughing as we caught each other staring in utter disbelief at this display of the word Bandha. Driste... wasn't happening today.

The Australian came over twice to see if I was ready for Kapotasana. Twice I told him to go away. On the third time I gave an attempt... only after it was clear this attempt was going to be one for the "How did she get to this point in the practice books" The Australian called Rich over to tag team me... as soon as one pulled my hips and the other began on my arms I had a complete and utter freak out attack and shamelessly lifted up against their restraint and said "No... no ... no.. fear.. no ... fear... panic... no." The Australian, however, didn't give up... and told me to do it the "normal" way... and surprisingly this wasn't as hard... my hands were halfway up my feet... when I came up he told me that I'm not opening my chest at all and taking it all in my lower back (yep, that's where it hurts)... the battle is yet to come.

Surprisingly, though Kapotasana is a death march for me, backbending was quite easy today.

Then I went and got my toes painted RED with Jenna (I've never had red toes before)... ate at Jimbos... and am now going out on date night with The Husband. Who is ready..so ciao.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:58 PM | Comments (2)

July 18, 2006

I Don't Care About Yoga

Sunday: We got up early, packed the car and started the drive to L.A. We had to stop in Orange County to download 16g of data from my friend, C (he bailed my ass out)... we pulled into Downtown L.A. sometime around 4pm, checked into the hotel, got back in the car and drove over to BIL's house for dinner. Nice, but a long day. My plan was to get up in the morning for yoga... only the room we have has two double beds.. 4 adults, 2 kids... 2 double beds. I chose the 5 year old... this was a huge mistake.

Sunday Night: Awake nearly all night from 5 year old kicking me in various body parts.

Monday: Awake in the pre dawn hours, thinking how crappy it was that I didn't get sleep... turned off the alarm on the Treo somewhere around 4am and figured, with a lighter schedule Monday, I could practice later in the day. Meeting 1 started at 10am.... I spent the rest of the day in meetings, more meetings than I was aware of... I got back to the hotel around 4pm. The Husband told me to go pratcice, it was hot and humid out so I went onto the 4th floor rooftop. I tried to find the cleanest spot I could but every Chatarunga my nose was dangerously close to spots of bird poop. Practice was going along nice, until I decided to throw in Hanumanasana... as I got into Somakonasana, I felt this gnarly and scary pull in the connection between my left hamstring and glute. It wasn't necessarily a seering pain but pain... and I got scared... I literally had to sit down for awhile. The pain subsided but the scariness was still there...... I did a few more poses and thought I should give up, I had lost my drive and, moreover, I was worried about the experience I had just had.

Monday Night: We got a rollaway bed. We forced the children to share (but the 8 year old ended up with The Husband). I got more sleep, not a full night's sleep but more. I already knew I couldn't go to Ashtanga Yoga LA because of my meeting schedule but I did set the Treo.... I turned it off at 5:30 and slept til 7.

Tuesday: Long drawn out meetings at Microsoft offices involved server topologies, security, ports, ISA servers, firewall sandwiches and the like (read very boring). I came back to the room around 4:30 when it was decided tomorrow was going to be the long night... laid the mat out in a less bird poop populated spot, did 3 Sun Salutations and thought "You know, right now, I don't care to do yoga... in fact, I don't care the next time I do yoga at all." Rolled up the mat and left.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:22 PM | Comments (2)

July 15, 2006

Been Here Before

Yesterday, during my first upward dog I noted that my left wrist hurt like a mother. I tried to ignore it as I played in mind how I could have hurt it. It was definitely painful enough that I took notice and thought "Well I should back off." It didn't hurt much of anywhere actually except upward dog.

Today I've felt it all day. For the first two years of my yoga practice I dealt with wrist issues... always on my right side. Now it's left... damn.

I'm back in programmer hell. I think I'm gonna have to talk to The Boss. I can't maintain this pace. I have an open offer sitting in my Inbox... same $$ and would be way less hours. I really love what I do and the environment... but it's unrealistic for me to think I can have a "life" when I'm working like this and, let's face it, work isn't the most important thing here, some unknown person's wealth adding up while I work 80 hour weeks.

With Date Night tonight, we decided to make it Yoga Date Night. This means I skip practice in the morning and do led first series with THe Husband. I had the most rock solid practice tonight. It wasn't notable physically, I doubt I did anything better or worse but I can honestly say, I don't remember seeing another person in that room. I honestly did not see THe Husband do one single pose. My driste was just rock solid... and my practice with rock solid. Interesting combination (duh).

After practice we went to dinner. The Husband talked about how much he liked the class and how surprised he was that he did. He told me that all day today he has dreaded doing the class and feeling intimidated by it. That's pretty cool that he felt so much better after.

When I walked into the locker room after practice, the lady who had been across from me was talking to someone else. Her back was to me so she didn't see me walk in, start to put my stuff away. In the meantime, she's totally talking about me. Nothing bad, mind you. In fact, quite flattering. It felt really freakin' wierd nonetheless. I considered saying something but then just pretended I didn't hear her. When she stood up she noticed me. She sorta was like "Oh funny I was just talking about you." I didn't want to tell her I had heard all of it. I'm sure people talk about me all the time, people do that, THe Husband and I do it, it's part of human nature to talk about other humans. I'd even go so far as to say that it is quite common for spouses to dish other couples in an effort to squash their own fear of Keeping Up With THe Joneses. We try not to do it but it happens. So I know people talk about other people but it's really wierd when you come face to face with it.

L.A. on Sunday, meetings all next week. Not sure what will be what... if the mat sees daylight or not. Then NYC. I'm not even halfway done with the demo.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:14 AM | Comments (5)

July 13, 2006

Yoga - It's Dangerous

Man, this whole work thing blows. I'm just working all the time. I'm working at home but I'm just working like you wouldn't believe. I have never worked this hard in my life and it, well, it sorta sucks. For awhile there I had this idyllic lifestyle. I was a mom, I worked about 15 hours a week, life was good... I sorta feel like I've taken a huge downsing in lifestyle... I'm not sure life qualifies as good anymore or just busy.

I went to the doctor this morning for the thing on my head. He confirmed it was a pilar cyst... then explained to me that I'd clearly been doing some sort of repetitively "hard" thing with my head and that I burst it... hence the "hard bump" that's been there for 20 years, is now this soft mushy thing that becomes periodically painful. He said it's not dangerous but it's going to continue to be painful til they take it off :( So, while the first thought that was going through my head was "Geez, how do they TAKE SOMETHING OFF YOUR SKULL????," the first thing out of my mouth was "Will I be able to put my head down?" When the answer was No I thought "FOR HOW LONG?" Apparently, two weeks.... cyst removal, stitches, the whole shebang. Damn. He wanted to do it today but I was literally dressed for practice and I thought I didn't want to take my two trips over the next two weeks with that on my head (or off, as the case may be). So I made an appointment for the 3rd. Now, to think of all the poses where I can't put my head down, have pull on the stitches, etc. And, more importantly, try not to think of how they actually get SOMETHING OUT OF MY SKULL! Yoga, it's good for monkey mind.

After that I went straight to yoga. I practiced with Kiran at the club. I always feel bad when I'm the only one practicing Mysore in there. I miss The Chinaman when he's not here. One of the huge advantages, however, is getting to hear Kiran teach the class. It's interesting and I think everyone walks away amazingly happy. In class today was this girl who came to her first yoga classes last week. She told Kiran this but told it to me tonight and I really thought it was amazing. You rarely meet people, especially people who live here in SuburbFreakVille, who just let it hang on their shoulder but this lady really did. She told me about all these overwhelming feelings she had her first day in class, feeling it was too hard, she felt so angry and the anger was just welling up in her, at Kiran, at the class... and finally at herself. She said she realized then that it was "Hey, you have to do the work." I don't know that she necessarily meant "do the work" in a physical sense either. She had that dangerous buzz about her... one of the ones the Ashtanga net catches.

As for my own practice, eh.. it was so so. Decent, steady... I stopped at one point to help said New Lady in Mari C. She is uber flexible, really flexible but has no strength at all. No chatarungas, no upward dogs, etc. But, Mari C, she was no issue. I knew that helping her get into it wouldn't challenge me and Kiran had her hands full so I helped her. She was loose in my hands, just there to mold into shape. It was fun. Kiran asked her if I was good or not :) Like she'd said No outloud :) I tried to do some shoulder opening for Kapotasana... but I don't feel it in my shoulders... it's definitely my back... my back.. my back...

After class New Lady stopped to talk to me for about 30 minutes. She asked me all kinds of questions about yoga and Ashtanga. She told me a bit about herself. It was really interesting.

It looks like my boss has decided to do "After Hours Party Time" at some point in NYC... I can feel the practice window slipping already. If I didn't feel naked without it, I'd leave my mat here. Therefore, I will overcome, I will overcome... I will.. I will, won't I?

I have been eating like crap lately. REALLY freaking crappy. Yesterday all I had was a big cup of Yerba Matte and Soupplantation at like 6pm. Today I had a Starbucks Grande Mocha, half a bowl of pasta, 3 pieces of Sushi and a plum. This kind of eating is becoming my norm. Moreover, I'm drinking nothing. I got lightheaded a bunch in practice today... I HAVE to find a way to slow down... my excuse is I'm too busy and that simply sucks.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:35 PM | Comments (4)

July 11, 2006

I Figured It Out

I noticed last night around like 1am that my back was really hurting. It's actually been a couple days since I felt my back hurt and with it's return I felt a pronounced sense of wonder. It was that moment of wonder when I discovered it's not yoga, it's this darned chair. It's sitting in this chair that is killing my back.

To give you an idea of a day in the life:

I went to bed at somewhere after 2am. I spent til 2am literally writing code. It's called heads down development and it sorta sucks unless you're a white pasty faced closet programmer that plays Dungeons & Dragons (and don't think you are being steretypical when you think it, I've seen some of those guys that write Microsoft Windows and, seriously, they fit the bill). I had to get up at 7 because The Husband had to go to Orange County for the day. I didn't shower all day yesterday so I thought I better do that today... from there I had to get the kids ready, get The Son to his camp at 8am, run to the bank, get The Daughter to her camp at 9am... run home, finish coding the demo, it wasn't done yet and the demo was at 2pm. Then I run to get The Son at 11:30, drop him off at a playdate... run home... make sure the last thing that was killing the demo is disabled... run it through.. it works... okay, spend an hour doing yoga at PAC. Run home, sit for two hours demo'ing said All Nighter to a group of 10 people around the country... Hang up, realize it is 3:48 and I haven't ingested anything with the exception of a Starbucks Mocha at 8:15am this morning. I still had to make my flight reservations and find a hotel and arrange a doctor appointment while I'm in town for my trip to NYC (more on that later)... and by the time I was done it was time to pick up The Daughter... and finally I came home at 6pm to dinner. I hope you said that in your mind as fast as I wrote it!

I was glad to make it to practice today though. I know it is really silly. I can feel the silliness oozing off the words as I say them. I can feel my inner self going "You freakin' loser, get over it, who cares already." But something, somewhere, for some reason I can't identify, is urging me to acknowledge that today is the day one year ago that I had bilateral mastectomies. It's a marking of the passage of time and the journey it has been to be standing here today. I don't think anyone can really pinpoint for you what it's like to have in your psyche that you have this time bomb and to spend literally 10 years deciding you were, at one point, going to remove your breasts or that you pop positive on a gene test and boom, that's it, take everything out of my insides. It's a pretty rough road in it's own right though by far not like the bullet that I dodged which is why it seems really silly to think of it as an anniversary of some sort.

But I don't really believe in coincidences either and so, it seems to me, that it's a bit odd timing in the grand scope of the Earth's rotation to have an upcoming trip to New York... and not even one a few months away... I have a meeting there on the 26th which is like the week after next! So I'm going a day early and having an appointment with my surgeon and checking things out. I have to be honest and say there is a huge part of me that wants him to be able to fix my left side and make it a bit more stable.... and an equally huge part of me fighting for all the chocolate I eat that says "No way... I don't want anyone slicing me open again!!!" I'm in such a frenzy about it actually, that I can't even write about it... I simply can't go there in my mind. That's it, this thought ends right here.

Being an anniversary and all, however, I was super glad to find time for that short practice. It's always a really wierd experience for me when I'm in a position of being unable to do my whole practice. One of the most beautiful parts of Ashtanga Yoga for me is that I've built up this practice, pose by pose.... and, in so doing, it's like building up this beautiful set of stairs that you walk through everyday... When I can't do my whole practice it's like a maze for me, a total mind trip... which stairs do I go up since I can't go up all of them today, do I do this or that or this or that? It's much more disjointed than my whole practice... even if I'm following the series just up to where I have to stop time-wise. Today I had decided I would split my practice and I should have enough time without Hanumanasana to finish up. In the end, that's not what I did. Second was okay, my back was tight and Kapotasana was horrid... really horrid. I did a whole bunch of Bakasanas today though... my bad for interrupting Kiran's class and asking about jumping out of it. I managed to get my feet out a bit but not out all of the way or straight or anything.... After such a dismal Kapotasana experience, backbends were surprisingly non-descript.. .not real open but satisfyingly good and standing up was like a blink of an eye today. Though I almost hit my head dropping back once.

My best friend started blogging... I'm really excited to read it. I know he reads my blog and I really like knowing that he's always keeping in touch with me. It will be cool to keep in touch with him and read about his passion (which involves waves and fins and the ocean and sometimes a pool with long black lines to lose yourself in).

The Daughter still hasn't given her tooth up to the tooth fairy :)

Next week is L.A. for four days... I wanted to try and practice at Maha Yoga one day but their Mysore doesn't start til 7am. I emailed and asked whether the doors open earlier like at Ashtanga Yoga Los Angeles but haven't heard back. The following week I'm in NYC Monday-Thursday. I emailed Kathy to find out about Ashtanga Yoga New York schedule because I understand Eddie Stern has been out of town. I have to admit, in complete rawness, that I'm halfway hoping he isn't in town. I have some fear of practice with him. I always hear these stories and descriptions of him and, frankly, it scares me. I think I would be really worried practicing there that I was "doing something wrong." I'm not sure why I really feel that way but it's sitting there in my stomach anyway. My teacher teaches how he was taught which is sometimes not what is taught today and although I've never been nervous practicing with Guruji and Sharath on tour, I think I will feel nervous at AYNY. On the other hand, since I understand when you drop-in you may only do first series, it will shorten my practice enough that I might make my appointments with a shower! I'm hoping that I can do the Tuesday puja as well since Tuesday I have a doctors appointment and the afternoon free. Fun!

After I get back from NYC, I'm going to do Rolf & Marci's workshop on Sat/Sun and hopefully Monday morning since I have to be in my LA office anyway that day. I'm really looking forward to it.

Then I'm off to Orlando for a week... I couldn't find an Ashtanga studio in Orlando. I found one place that appears to be traditional Ashtanga but no Mysore classes. This means a week of self-practice in the hot humid sun... YUM! Though I might have difficulty getting on the self-practice bandwagon at home, generally, when I'm traveling, it's no problem... it's the blissful retreat into myself.

I'm one busy, busy girl... Hari Hari Boom Boom.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:41 PM | Comments (4)

Keyword Analysis

I have a much larger post about practice and anniversaries and work and all my upcoming trips... but, for this moment, I need 5 minutes of comic relief... my day has been grueling... so, to that end, Keyword Analysis courtesy of StatCounter:

stills murmur it'll be okay, most of them go away on their own
yogi toes over it, used to love it, but, eh, no rug or real rug now
drunk moms every single day I get multiple hits on that..who knew it was so popular
elemental embrace comments I really enjoyed this place and I wish I could go again and do the whole deal
bras I've got a ton
facing inward that's me
post op ts buy big ones!
yoga practice with breast implants possible, not necessarily always comfortable but possible
tattoo pictures did you find any good ones?
non-attachment only if we're not talking about kids
maya tulum august probably hot but beautiful
honeymoon phase sadly I don't remember it well
overeaters anonymous blog
it's all yoga all the time
trianga mukha fun
ganesha picture facing out mhmmm
pink cowboy boots The Daughter has outgrown hers, I should keep them for her
sweet sweat bbf no freakin' clue
yoga bruise I get TONS of these
manduka reviews the only mat I own
rainer cherries mhmmm my favorite
kapotasana a sore back right there with ya
evil disney sigh
maha mat haven't used it
i am doing yoga and my spine is healing and straighten pleas yoga... just do it
capsule contrature I don't have it, hope you don't either
foot tattoo pictures pretty
swenson ashtanga yoga ezboard not the ezboard but likely swenson talk over there
moon impact gravity
sanskrit tattoo yep
frumpy mom hey, who ya calling frumpy
air balloon tattoos mhmm.... wierd
.net class library for word mail merge have fun... email me if you want hints
krishnamacharya photos
still's heart murmur
head, shoulders, knees and toes lyrics ice cube
returning to the mother of us all Jennifer Berezen
a cord wrapped around the neck journey birth story I got one of those around here somewhere
pity or sympathy rumi ah, rumi
skin stretching
pink chacos I just ordered black ones
my pecs cold that sucks
females doing backbends just find a yoga class
skimpy top no bra
facing inward blog that's me, were you looking for me?
coming up from laghu vajrasana used to be hard, getting easier
toy civil war pistols :(
tim baptise yoga it's baron
tadaka mudra before finishing
oh lordy trouble so high moby
mysore cheat sheet bring one!
worst thing you've done I've got a few but I can't share
bauhaus this is no terror ground lyrics no place for the rage... no broken hearts..white washed lies.. just a place for the truth.... to love or to hate.... Strange Kind of Love if you didn't know
bruising on the back of the leg Bakasana
my big feet picture dude, I got really big feet
japanese colored tattoo ankle band pretty
dialating 10cm and you're doing a google search?
virasana preparation practice
second child syndrome it exists
tadaka mudra yoga
how to do perfect handstand practice
homemade bionicle costume done it twice, now they sell them in stores
bakasana handstand now there's an interesting combination
lower back pain from kapotasana a sigh
sideways angel tattoo I got a rightways angel
ganesh tattoo and I want a ganesh
cross legged press to handstand bandhas of steel
salad makes me feel better doesn't it everyone?
thieves, liars thieves, liars ministry one of the best
kapo and tattoo as in a tattoo of kapotasana?
parvritta trikonasana photo there's some around here somewhere
venture inward 2006 archives interesting
i recommend oak meadow homeschool yea it's cool, I bought it but didn't use it
maroon 5 - secret url ooo secret
bad lady that's me!
garlic as an antibiotic it works
gregor maehle nice book
my big ass I got one too
ashtanga board visit ashtangi.net for the link
write in sanskrit the word yoga
elegant virgo symbols tattoo well I like mine
bauhaus a rage that knows no right or wrong lyrics and take a little piece of me
tibeten book of the dead
spider pose yoga
taraisagoddess I know her
girls handstands up the wall it happens
silly quizzes like this has turne dinto
husband's friend stares at my boobs... so tell him to stop
candy fairies she comes here frequently
riding the wave of bliss you should try it sometime
back pain from kapotasana a clearly I'm not the only one in agony
how much practice before first gig lots
cut my waist length hair
backbends
yoga alcohol bad lady/man
yoga no shirt
bauhaus this is no terror ground I hope you figured it out
why does my spine crack doesn't it feel good
how to find the cadavers family hahahaha
quad burning after running called exercise
learn to drop back practice, practice, practice

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:44 PM

In The Stars

I'm pulling an all nighter... got code compiling on another machine in my secondary monitor as I type.

Happy Guru Day :) I had an interesting day really. I mostly worked (obviously) but I did skip out for an hour to have a Vedic Astrology reading with a "famous" Bhakti Yogi.... for lack of a better way to describe said person. The reading was interesting. Meeting this person was very interesting. There were definitely some moments during the reading where I was like "Wow, how the heck did you come up with that?" Here are some memorable ideas:

-- At one point, he looks up and says "So you work in law?" I think "Huh?" I say "Now what in the world made you say that?" He explains something about some moon in something or other... I explain that, indeed, I work in law.

-- He told me my planetary alignments indicate I am incredibly intelligent and yet I have little patience for people who don't get it as fast as me. I need to find compassion in my words.

-- He told me I'm in a Jupiter Dasa (word?) right now but that by the time I'm 38, I will be entering the time of Saturn and, apparently, this time is going to be very testing and deep and difficult. I thought "Damn, it's been hard enough lately."

-- He told me that I'm a wonderful teacher and that I should explore teaching something "physical" "like yoga."

-- He told me I'm a person people love to talk to and listen to... I didn't mention I have a blog that hundreds read.

-- He told me I have wonderful mother qualities.

-- He told me my mother likes red (which I have no idea about).

-- He told me, repeatedly, that I should think of Hanuman, that Hanuman will get me through this Saturn and that I should come to know Hanuman before I enter that stage.... he mentioned a Ganesh with Hanuman flying around him (wierd).

-- He also repeatedly told me that I need to be in the ocean.. to swim for an hour in the ocean, repeating mantras and swimming with deep strokes.

There was a bunch of other stuff he mentioned... I'll have to listen to the CD when I get a chance. For those of you locally, if you'd like to get the information on this person, please don't hesitate to contact me. I hesitate to use his name, not because he told me not to, but because it makes it a bit more anonymous for me to blog about.

Now back to coding workflow...workflow..workflow.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:51 AM | Comments (4)

July 9, 2006

Moon Day, Hooray

I was so happy today was first series. Though my back has felt better over the last couple of days, I've ingested way too much crap and it shows. Isn't it funny how our bodies show us exactly what we've been doing. Today, during practice, I heard "You been running a lot?" to some person, somewhere in the room... a response.. then "Your whole body shows it." My body sure was showing it today...

Today has been a wild day... The Daughter lost her first tooth this morning... later we went to the beach and she dove under her first waves with the demonstrations of 3DStickMan's (soon to be blogger) Daughter... then tonight she had a complete meltdown. I was doing the dishes and I thought I heard crying but I wasn't sure... finally I went to investigate and it was The Daughter, in absolute meltdown, hysterical, sobbing. I finally get her calm enough to tell me what's wrong... she doesn't want to give her tooth to the tooth fairy. She doesn't understand why she has to. I reassured her first, that anytime she was that upset to absolutely come find me and, second, that she could give up her tooth to the Tooth Fairy whenever she was good and ready. The conversation drifted in and out about why we don't lose adult teeth, the minor fact that what she really wants is to be able to keep a baby tooth and an adult tooth.. she wants "one of each, please."

Moon day tomorrow... hooray. I never usually "look forward" to moon days but, for some reason, tomorrow's day of rest seems like a blissful package tied in a red bow.

Addendum: today last year was apparently my last practice before my surgery... Reading this post really made me see the path that my circumstances have presented for me. It's wierd when you revisit something so heart wrenching for you... the difference in time and personal growth that makes you see it all so differently.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:18 PM | Comments (1)

July 8, 2006

What Just Happened?

It's been a busy, busy day in our household. I went to bed at 2am and got up at 9am. That's the latest I've gotten up in a really long time now. If you read through my archives a few years ago, I lamented the fact that I would never be able to have a regular Mysore practice because I just wasn't a morning person. So it feels a bit odd to think, at 9am, "Wow, half the day is gone!"

I had this huge post a second ago about concerts, people and marijuana... but I decided I couldn't find a way to finish it off so I should just delete it. Instead I went and got the mail and in there were two new videos from the archives -- Tim's 1st Series and Mysore, India. Cool!

It got me to thinking about how tomorrow is Tim's last day before he goes to Europe for awhile. It sucks because I know that practice just isn't the same without his energy in the room. I have no idea why that is... it's not like the practice is any easier or any harder... it's just different in some vague sense. I like to think that this is the Shala Energy (even though we call it a studio) that we all show up for all the time. The earth that binds us together. Lots of things disturb the Shala Energy... not necessarily making them better or worse, just noticeable differences in the shared space. A new person who starts regularly coming, someone visiting, a big workshop, the teacher going away. It's an interesting place to go... to work with a different vibe and settle into it, into your practice.

Sometimes I wonder why I blog about practice. Sometimes it truly is ... sit down and blog about practice physically, over analyze, be a yoga junkie... and sometimes it's not. It's just like yoga really, some days it's just getting on the mat and somedays it's like "jumping from a cliff and sailing through the skies" (as quoted from an "Un-Blogged Source").

.....

In most astonishing, how did that happen news... my back... suddenly fine. No aches, no pains.. it feels normal. I feel no minute amount of awareness in any one area in my back. I didn't want to think yesterday was normal but today... no nothing... my back feels blissfully normal!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:44 PM

Astounding

I barely remember the drive up to Irvine. We talked the whole way... oddly enough, when we contact Strangel to find out where she was, she was the car right behind us. What are the odds of that? I think I mentioned that I bought tickets to this show primarily for Bauhaus. I love Peter Murphy and I still remember the days when seeing Bauhaus on tour was thought to be "something that would never happen." I wasn't expecting to get into the NIN show... I figured, in fact, that we'd end up leaving a bit early...

Waiting for the show: The Best Friend, D (3dStickMan here), me, Mel and half a Strangel:

Bauhaus was dismally disappointing. Peter looked old and worn out... the stadium/arena show just isn't the Bauhaus gig. 4th & B was an amazing show...this didn't even hold a candle. Other than She's In Parties, I can't even tell you what they played... A disappointing opening act.

As for NIN:

DAMN... first of all Trent, baby, you've got it going ON. Getting off drugs and alcohol (in 2001) has given you a body, some beautiful arms... and quite a fine ass. The show...WOW.. I was freaking blown away by NIN. The light show was amazing, the songs spot on, the line up incredible... We stayed til the lights came up and banged our head the whole way through. What a freakin' AWESOME show.

But let's get it out of the way... dear 36 year old ex-Goth heads... really I respect the love and lure of reliving the glory days... or even living the ones you've never grown out of; however, please note the following:

- Pouring the now widely shaped hips into tight ass black hose and topping it with a corset from which your very ample bosom is literally pouring is not something the rest of us need to see.

- The dress from Hot Topic, it went out when you were 18... frankly... over 30 you simply can't pull it off (and there were quite a few of you).

- To the lesbian girls with the braces -- next time take a freakin' seat already... it's cool to jump around during the main show but, girls, there's no need to flaunt your budding sexuality and, if you really insist, next time wear a g-string.. the grandma panties were even freaking me out.

- To the leather and nakedness boys... truly.. truly.. you were the best in people watching there was.

- In general, be daring... dare to wear something other than a blank t-shirt... it's a rainbow of colors out there and, hell, you could match your hot pink hair.

- To the poor, poor girl from Laguna Hills... you're friends were messing with your head when they told you your black tshirt with the Gold Sparkly Angel Wings on the back and the Gold macrame belt looked really good... The question of the night is, really, what were you thinking.

- To all the suburban soccer moms... come on, you know you were there... with your Rock N Republic Jeans, the Gucci big huge bag (what the hell do you have in that without your kids around?), the Prada shoes... I get you.. but maybe next time you should leave the 4" heels at home.

and, most importantly, to the chick down in the front... honey... you had it all... you wore Levis, a lame ass white tshirt..and you got your freakin' rock on! You go girl.

Most disappointing was the level of targeted advertising... I haven't been to a stadium show since I saw The Cure at SDSU when I was 16. I was blown away... it's like being at the Del Mar Fair -- funnel cakes here, sausage there, pizza, every manner of alcohol (remember when shows used to just be beer)... raffling of a trip to Mexico, sales for AAA.. and a host of other advertisements, commercials even.. absolutely disgusting. I felt dirty just being there.

But Trent.. he pulled it off... he played some great oldies -- Down In It (the same one from a recent blog entry title), Head Like A Hole... a special and beautiful rendition of Something I Can Never Have... he did later stuff, newer stuff... and a literal tear evoking version of Hurt.

Trent, I take everything I said before 8pm this evening back. That was one of the best shows ever....

Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:59 AM | Comments (6)

July 7, 2006

Indra Loka

I've had the catchy tune of that Living La Vida Loka song in my head all day. Except it's been Living Indra Loka...

My back feels better today... I spent a half hour or so last night laying with a block under me... it seems to have helped. I think I better do that a lot... as much as I can for awhile.

It didn't, however, help me at all in practice. I felt really tired and heavy this morning.. probably from eating crappy food and having 4 kids all day yesterday. Practice, even when I feel out of it, still feels really stable and normal. I can remember not too long ago that tired heavy days were when practice just felt like a chore.

It's official that I am the only person on the planet unable to jump out of Bakasana. Given the fact that V and I seem to have wierd parallel practices going on for some reason, it's no surprise then that Tim stood in front of me while I was holding Bakasana today... I held it a really long time... he didn't go away... I put my feet down and without looking up jumped back... and he said "I was waiting for you to engage your pecs." Which was my cue to try it again... he tried to help me but I flailed... Tiffany laughed... Tim grunted... I whinged my way through explaining that I probably have to build my pecs back up or something... I'm daring myself to make it my goal that when Tim gets back from Sweden I'll be able to do this... I haven't taken the dare yet.

My back was super sore during practice this morning... I dreaded Kapotasana... as if that is anything new. The Australian had me hold onto his feet... it was really hard... I then got the two person adjustment... It was like setting up for a major operation... It felt like I was being cranked... when I came up I saw stars. Tim says "Indra Loka." My hearing apparently went without my ability to see clearly so he repeated it... I asked what that meant and he said it meant I was going to the place where the Gods are or something like that (remember I couldn't hear clearly)... I mumbled something of an affirmation and put my head down... I've been flying on that plane ever since... and singing Living Indra Loka....

Tonight is the 9" Nails/Bauhaus show... I'm looking forward to Bauhaus and am somewhat ambivalent about 9" Nails...

I setup a Vedica astrology reading with a traveling kirtan "master" (for lack of a better word)... it should be really interesting.

I haven't had much time lately to wane philosophical which shows in my blog... I always force myself to write about my practice if I have nothing else to write... if only in the hopes that thinking about my time on the mat might find a way to stimulate some other revelation... I haven't had many of those lately... It's a by product of the amount of work I'm doing I think. Work.. work... eh work.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:02 PM | Comments (6)

July 6, 2006

Duh

As I was driving this evening, kids in the car, lamenting the ache in my back... I realized, it isn't my LOWER back that hurts AT ALL. I reached over and stuck the first "hard" thing I could find, which happend to be my sunglasses case, right at the spot that hurt... it's my mid-back... mid back... I happened to mention this to my teacher tonight, he said "Kapotasana adjustment." I said "Will it eventually go away?" He said "Let's hope so."

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:49 PM | Comments (1)

Loose Tooth

My back has been feeling like hell. The Husband says "Let me get this straight, you do yoga, your back is always hurting... you like to take a drug to help it?" Well, when you put it that way.... It's not really acute pain, more just a consistent sort of general ache. In my New Age brain thinking I attribute it to the tied up, pent up, crappy shit stored in my cells that are making their way out and on as I learn to open the front of my body, stop the slouching, start the shift of moving the shoulders back, the spine straightening out... Eventually the aches go away?

No practice yesterday... The Daughter was up literally all night the previous night. I should have at least partied for the 4th of July and I likely would have had I known that she'd be up all night. I turned off the alarm at 4:17am... just one hour before it was set to go off. I finally got to sleep at 6. I have no idea how I lived through two or so years of that kind of hell.

Last night I took The Son and his friend to see Garfield, A Tale of Two Kitties. Tiff came with us. I thought the movie was stupid as heck... I think the boys liked the scene where Garfield has to fart to fit through the door of his playhouse... Boys will be boys... They were then up til about midnight last night doing God knows what boys do in The Son's bedroom... and up at 6am playing GameCube. I'd say I was sleep deprived but I know what real sleep deprivation feels like.

Practice itself was good... I feel like now my practices are just nicely stable. I no longer worry whether my hamstrings are loosening up, whether my hips are open enough for this or that... of course, I still hem and haw over kapotasana but not really over backbending anymore. Today in Kapotasana I was trying to "research" and hang a bit... put my hands down and straighten them out. I wasn't done when I got the adjustment and, as a result, I didn't get my heels.... or maybe I wouldn't have gotten my heels today. Regardless, I can finally feel some of the fear seeping out of me and a sense of acceptance, freedom and surrender that one day I'll be able to do this pose. I noticed this morning that I have two huge bruises... one on my hip area and the other on the side of my calf... I sat down, put myself in lotus and realized the bruises are from Supta Vajrasana... I am pulling in so tight and holding so hard to keep my toes that I'm rubbing bone on bone. I asked Tim today if it hurt his bones... he said "What it hurts yours?" I was able to keep hold of the right side only but on the very last back I held the right side and was touching the left... MAN that's an awesome feeling. I guess I always thought of that pose as having less effort involved... but when you are really trying to open up through the chest, keep hold of your toes that pose is an amazing release... especially after Kapotasana.

The best part of practice today though didn't happen on my mat. The girl across from me is still here from teacher training. She came last summer for a few weeks and is here again for like a month. Anyway, she stood up today and was so excited... but then said to me that she can't drop back. I got up, walked over to her mat and said "The ground is right behind you, there's no technique involved here, just go back... have faith.. the ground isn't going to move." And, wala, she did it. She just dropped back and stood up. She was so excited she was near tears... she really wanted to scream out loud but didn't feel right so I did it for her. Then I said "Do it again." She did.... then Rich came over and she told him and he said, I didn't see it, do it again... and she did. It's so wonderful to see the breakthroughs other people have... it's one of the reasons why we all show up and share in the energy of the Mysore room... it's an amazingly tangible piece of joy that blossoms and grows and is shared amongst us all.

I then spent the afternoon with The Daughter and her friend, L. The Son and his friend from last night... we all went to Build A Bear which is a pretty major event for one mom and 4 kids but here I am...

The Daughter is losing her first tooth and freaked out about it. She vascillates between playing and whining over the tooth. Too bad we can't remove their fears for them, eh?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:29 PM | Comments (2)

July 4, 2006

Fireworks

This morning during practice I was thinking about past 4th of July Holidays we've had. On the schedule for today:

Practice for Me
The Gym for The Husband
A Pool Party
Family Dinner
Fireworks

It's pretty much the same as year's past with perhaps the middle part slightly different. Sometimes we go to the parade in RSF, sometimes we are hanging out with different people than we are today but, generally, we avoid the beach (too crowded) and almost always get a last minute offer that we are sad to pass up.

So far, we are on schedule. I got up for practice this morning and, though I'm ashamed to admit it, I took Motrin today. Mostly my head hurt and I have made an appointment with a dermatologist to get it looked at but, I will admit, that the idea of less pain during backbending was appealing.

Practice was good... the only thing of note was Kapotasana (now there's a surprise). I really really tried today to do some hanging but, more importantly, for the adjustment instead of coming over, putting my hands down and dropping my head... I waited... with straight arms... Tim grabbed my hands, head off the ground, and wala there were my heels... not top of heels but definitely heels... of course as soon as I put my head down I pulled them back down out of pure unregulated abject fear but I felt them... when I came up I said "Hey that was better!" He said "It WAS better." It brought me pure joy to know that, yes, friends, some day all my whining and disgruntlement over Kapotasana may, in fact, go away... this blog may not be An Ode To How Much I Hate Kapotasana forever. Imagine the possibilities!

As I was doing backbends today I thought about this picture that The Daughter and I took and is framed in our house:

I came home today and we took a new one... she's actually inside my backbend this time so I had to widen my feet a bit ... but I love it... it's cute.

Happy Fourth of July. Kapotasana like fireworks to all!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:36 PM | Comments (2)

July 3, 2006

Lumpy Bumpy

I woke with a start sometime in the middle of the night. My heart started thumping, I thought I heard a big banging noise. I listened for awhile, as if listening would help were someone in my house or some God-given catastrophe were going on but listen I did... long enough to wake my brain up and decide that it must have been The Husband turning over in his sleep that woke me. So when the alarm went off at 6am, I got up, made some Yerba Matte, told myself I must not start thinking Motrin is like candy, checked my email, woke the kids, drove The Husband to drop off his car at the shop.... and then said "You know honey if you really want to go surf, it's okay, I'll find some other time to practice." I knew damn well I wouldn't but I figured if he went surfing I'd have a great excuse to tell myself about why I wasn't on the mat. The trick didn't fly... The Husband knows me better than that.

Practice itself wasn't horrible. Not brilliant but definitely not like yesterday. I was nervous to get put into Dwi Pada today because of the thing on the back of my head. If I haven't mentioned it, the "bump" I was talking about awhile ago has progressively morphed into something else. It used to be a hard round bump and now it has gotten much smaller and is really movable. It's also incredibly sore and sensitive. I was so nervous about Dwi Pada since yesterday about killed me with the pressure on The Bump In My Head that I was totally clenched up hesitated giving up my second leg. Kapotasana... there was no way. Just no way. I barely grabbed my toes today and no one was around to help me. The crank in my back just hurts like a mother. Keeping in mind JMS' advice to "hang" - I decided since I did a crappy rendition of Kapotasana that I'd "hang" in backbending... this is much easier for me. I really really enjoy putting my hands on the back of my thighs and hanging out for awhile... it's one of the few times that I think I actually get some arch in my chest. I never see anyone else doing it through so I figure it must be completely useless... figures.

The Daughter and I went to get our toes painted today. She got American Flags on her big toes (actually quite cute) and I got a flower (she tried to convince me on the flag but I wouldn't budget). It's always odd to take The Daughter into a nail salon. The people working at the salon don't seem to mind but I get various degrees of hostility and a few smiles of joy. Some women clearly see the nail salon as a private sanctuary and the mere presence of a child simply ruins it for them. Hey, I get when you got kids and you need a break but I'm pretty skilled at tuning out other people's children and so it would never bother me. Nevermind that The Daughter is really good in a nail salon as she loves it so much. Other women, especially older women, seem to smile at her with that look of kindness mother's with grown children have. The middle aged set are just disgruntled over life I think. Younger girls are just clueless and either glued to their cell phones or reading US magazine.

It did, however, give me a chance to talk The Daughter out of going to the American Girl's Place in L.A. this week. That was her one "big summer adventure." I was going to be taking her and her friend L up there for the day but the more I reviewed the website the more I realized it would be a complete waste of time. Everything is for 8 and over girls and incredibly expensive. We've decided on an afternoon at Build A Bear instead. Much better on the pocket book and the gas tank.

Tomorrow is the 4th... A week shy of my 1 Year Post Op Surgery. Pretty wierd. I'm planning on starting the day with practice, then we have a pool party in the afternoon, then a family dinner in the evening and we'll close with fireworks on the bluff. I'm just stoked to have a valid day off. No work (and this means Ashtangi.NET too -- I'm crazy).

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:57 PM | Comments (7)

July 2, 2006

Moola, Mula, Tomato?

The Daughter came in sometime mid-night. If I had more wherewithall, I'd get up, talk to her and put her back to bed. Instead I just flip open the cover and let her come in. Sleep might be elusive but it's better than having to be all the way awake. I was pretty tired when I got up and instantly knew that the magical practices of last week were about to get crushed with one of those practices that grind your bones into the ground. Where every vinyasa is worse than the last, you've debated leaving a few times but have too much discipline to actually do it (or perhaps you really just don't want to risk embarrassment since you've already contemplated just leaving without it and coming back later) and, in the end, you practiced and that's all that matters. It took me 4 backbends to stand up, I skipped one then finally dropped back.. then finally came up with a grunt again.

On the way home I skipped to the store for munchies, we packed up and we went to 25th street. We spent all day in the sun....

We interrupt this blog... I was sitting here typing and The Husband walked in the room. He says "Whatcha doin?" I say "Blogging." The conversation then proceeded:

Him: *with a raise of the eyebrow and a suggestive sneer* About Friday night?
Me: *with that Puhleese tone* Riiiighhhtt
Him: Come on, what fun is it if you can't tell anyone?
Me: Do you know how many hits my blog gets a day, I can't blog about that.
Him: Imagine how many hits you'd get if you did!

As I mentioned, it was a first for the 13 or so years we've been together, we can cross one off his list but that's about as far as I'm going! :)

The beach was awesome. The kids are getting really adventurous with the waves and it's pretty cool to witness. We hung out all afternoon... towards the end I decided to play with Bakasana. We were way in the back and no one could really see me. I figured out that I can jump one leg back at a time but not two at a time. After watching me for awhile The Husband told me that he noted I always jumped out with the left leg and not the right. So I tried to go right leg first and BAM that's the place! It's always amazing to me when I notice how one part of my body affects my "recovery area." On the one hand, it's awesome that I had bilateral mastectomies not quite 12 months ago and it takes something the likes of Bakasana or Kapotasana to make me "feel" the area as an edge. One the other, it sucks that I have to at all.

Someone I know said something to be the other day about mula bandha and I've been thinking about it ever since. I don't feel comfortable sharing this person's words here on my blog but it's been really making me think about mula bandha in a completely different light. I was in this really spaced out place about it when I stopped into the health food store to pick up stuff for dinner. I ran into my homeopath who told me his wife had died of ovarian cancer 3 months ago. The sadness and confusion was evident on his face. I was surprised when he said to me how different I looked... he's the third person in a few months that I've seen for the first time in years who has commented on my "presence" rather than that I look different. This makes me think it must be the yoga :) Mula Bandha even!

Moola or Mula?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:38 PM | Comments (1)

July 1, 2006

The Balloon, The Balloon

The problem with writing something you know is going to be read by tons of people, hundreds even if StatCounter is to believed... so the problem is that there's no tone... Like you have no idea that the title of this post came to me by thinking of Fantasy Island and the little guy saying The Plane, The Plane in his little white suit.

The Husband and I got in a bit of a tif on Thursday night when I came home from L.A. I was really mad that he didn't seem emphathetic to my needs and he felt I didn't see his side of it either. We didn't talk all day Friday actually. In our new committment to spending time together The Nanny was coming over at night instead of during the day... the second of our bi-monthly "date nights." Since we didn't speak all day, the first opportunity we had to speak was in the car that evening. At first I think we were just pissed off that here we were freakin' arguing when we finally had a few hours to ourselves. We fought in the parking lot at the beach for awhile then decided this was just all really silly... we went to Harvest Ranch and bought sandwiches, a bottle of Le Cigar Volant (mhmmm)... and we sat on the grass overlooking 15th Street while the sun went down. It was really nice... and we got a bit, well, drunkish I think. It's pretty RARE that The Husband will have more than one drink of anything so it was an interesting night. We came home and sat in the jacuzzi, had a first in our 11 years of marriage after that... then we passed out... and this morning no one did anything. Our entire family just ran around in p.js until like 2pm. I watched a movie while my kids were in the house... they were downstairs playing... playing for long enough to watch a whole movie (I realize only other parents will understand the italics going on there). The Husband came up and laid down for awhile. I have him reading Shadow of the Wind now. The Husband made me eggs with something in them and a little side tomato cilantro salad on the side for lunch. We finally decided to go to The Beach for awhile... no big plan just went. Ran into someone from the studio that I hadn't seen for awhile which was nice. The Daughter and her daughter got along really well. I washing the stains of civilization off and lay in the sun. A memorial was going on at the beach, likely a paddle out, for a man who had died. There were signs by the steps about it. I own up to a wierd sense of wonder. How did he die? Around 6, close to starting time, people started coming... at first just a trickle... then a huge swarm of people. Hundreds of people. As it turns out, the man was early 40s, married with two children and died of a drug overdose. Apparently there was genuine surprise in the community that this man would OD. As we were leaving, more and more people were coming. It was amazing how many surfers, young, old, girls and boys. A lot of older people. A lot of New Agey looking people. A lot of tattoos, full body tattoos, sleeves.. it was this huge mixture of subcultures... this man whom no one knew was unhappy must have touched hundreds of people who came out to say farewell to him. lIt was a moving event just to watch it unfold.

Later, after dinner, we were playing outside on the driveway. I was talking with a neighbor when a hot air balloon started to land. The kids grabbed bikes, I was still in my bikini, no shoes... my neighbor had her baby and her dog while the two older girls had me run with them... We all rushed to see the balloon landing... cars with families had pulled over to watch, kids were coming, swarming in from all directions... the balloon landed, the took the air out and folded it down. Front Page News in our little suburb for a Saturday Night!

One of the things The Husband told me last night was that he doesn't care if he does all the laundry, all the housekeeping, dropping the kids at school... if I would just take care of dinner. That's the only thing he wants me to be ultimately responsible for. Now while this sounds like it should be easy, it's actually not. It's very hard to plan ahead for meals when I don't know what days I'll have what kind of time to cook. If I try to be proactive and plan out meals and have the shopping done, well, half the time the food spoils as my schedule shifts to exclude a meal with preparation. It's going to have to be my new goal, thing to work on...

Well, that and Kapotasana. ;)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:32 PM