facing inward

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June 30, 2006

No Bend

Of course I didn't practice yesterday. I actually woke up and considered it... then I thought I would be stupid to even try it. My liver was probably so strung out from the consumption of alcohol and the horrible food I ingested that I might send it over the edge were I to get on the mat. Truth be told, I have cheated this month and did not take my Ladies Holiday. I was having so many good practices that I basically just said screw it and practiced anyway. Bad Bad Lady. Since, technically, I still had my moon on Thursday I figured I'd call it my Moon Day and stroke my ego for taking the rest. No one said your personal delusions had to be transparent. The ones we recognize and see are the best ones we make up, aren't they?

Work was grueling. I got another new project put on my plate that, apparently, "trumps" the previous fire I had. I go from one thing to another... always beta code.. always something to beat my head up with. I drove home through rush hour traffic in L.A. and Orange County... those of you local know the pain that emited... not to mention hours and hours in the car doesn't do a whole heck of a lot of good for one's hips.

So when I woke up this morning at 5, drank my caffeine, checked my email, did a bit of work... I thought to myself "Today isn't going to be as much fun as my recent practices have been. Today is the day the universe pays me back for Wednesday night's alcohol fest." Another hot practice. Last day of teacher training. I was just sorta getting used to the crowd, the energy and the vibe. I haven't been paying much attention to the teacher trainees during practice so I imagine it is just the rhythm of the waves of breath. I noticed this morning, I started about 4 sun salutations before everyone else, that the breath was this enormous wave of sound energy... at one point, while I was in Trikonasana I thought "WOW, if I was just standing on the corner I'd be looking all around me to see what is coming to take over."

I didn't get touched most of the practice today. I mention this only because practice is much more of an internal process when one isn't getting adjusted a lot. It's those times when you wake up a half hour later and wonder what mechanism spurred your body to pose after pose... and your brain has almost taken no notice. When Tim came to adjust me in Mari D I must have had some look on my face and he says "How was L.A.?" I said "Okay but too much alcohol." He says "Well, then, we need some liver cleansing." He pulled me in super tight and twisted me all the way around. The guy on the mat behind me caught my eye and gave me this incredulous look... or maybe he just thought "Exorcism" the way I do. By the time I finished Setu Bandhasana, I debated doing the rest of my practice. While I know it is traditional to do only first on Fridays, for the most part, those of us at the studio who aren't doing an intermediate or beyond practice tend to do our entire practice on Fridays anyway. Sunday is my first series day and since I know that regularly I miss days at the studio for various reasons, when I'm there, I try to do my whole practice... but today I considered Friday to be a nice excuse to withdraw my energy... I jumped flat footed out of habit... thought "Mhmm... Pasasana? Not Pasasana?" In the end, I'm just too used to it and don't feel "complete" without the rest of my practice so I went for it.

I know you are all waiting for today's Kapotasana whine. I have one. The Australian is gonna work me over in Kapotasana I can tell. Today he had me drop back to his ankles (grabbing his ankles with my hands) and try to extend through my arms and push my chest open. This was, well, painful. I don't think I ever straightened my elbows all the way but I can also tell that if I did that regularly things would open up. I referenced Vanessa's comment that once the head goes down you're done... The Australian agreed and said everything flattens out once the head goes down. He told me to start going back and walking my hands in. Kiran watched his adjustment and said my hands were just below my heels. I did it again after The Australian left... I am able to walk my hands in and grab to the same place on my own now. After I came out of it I was thinking about how hard I try to keep my elbows down and in. I put a lot of energy to my elbows in this pose... I noticed that a couple girls around me were grabbing their heels but letting their elbows come up and out. I wonder if, like backbending, I should take that approach and, once I can get comfortable in the pose, find the way to bring them back. I talked to Kiran a bit after my second attempt. I think one of the things happening for me is that I feel somewhat rushed. I know I'm gonna get adjusted in Kapotasana and I know once I drop back there it's coming... I'm in a state of near panic about it really... I know I can't "hold the pose" all that long, the crank in my lower back is too alarming... so I try to get it over with. I think if I felt I had more time to hang out down there maybe I could find the way to breathe. Something to mention before I'm adjusting in it again.

Another good backbending day. Standing up doesn't appear to be negotiable anymore... I'm still turning my feet out but I figure it is getting better and the only real way to go is in.

The Daughter had a "talent show" at her gymnastics summer camp right after practice. This camp isn't at her gymnastics gym and was more of a "fun for all" type camp. The teacher told me after the first day that The Daughter was light years more advanced than the other kids in the group but I explained that she does enough gymnastics and having her do some "fun" stuff was fine with me. She didn't seem to mind. So in the talent show, the kids had to run down a carpet and do something, I guess. 90% of the kids just ran and then did a forward roll. A couple girls tried cartwheels.. running...slowing down..maybe a half cartwheel... so when it was The Daughter's turn she's flying down the carpet.. I mean like full steam... and executes this beautiful, high, perfect cartwheel. The audience did a collective *GASP* (she was going really fast) and then a sign of amazement. One of the moms leaned over and said "She's going to be recuited for the Olympics! She's amazing!" She is amazing... and she is really advanced for her age... the other day her coach called me and told me she is being hand picked for a new special class. The new class is going to be a group of girls below team level but advanced for their ages, they are going to "groom" these girls for team. Well this has me scared to death. The Daughter loves gymnastics but I've always just assumed she'd get too tall or bored before we had to worry about team. I'm just not sure about team gymnastics. On the one hand I love the discipline, I love the skills, I love the innate sense of body those girls have. On the other, I worry about the overall "health" of those girls -- from knee injuries to hamstrings to eating disorders. I mean, clearly, The Daughter is 5 and not going to be on team for another 5 years at least... I've never heard in a single teacher, parent or coach even mention body type to any child at that gym and, to be honest, I've seen the team, not a single one of them looks unhealthy to me.... it could be just what I've heard about the Olympics, I don't know... I have to make that decision before next week. I think I'll let her do it... she loves it so much... and she's really good. I know how it feels to be 5, be really good at something and have parents who don't want to give you over to it. I always swore I wouldn't do that to my kid.. funny how those lessons present themselves in life, isn't it?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:25 PM | Comments (4)

June 29, 2006

I Do Yoga

I won't be practicing tomorrow. Let's beat the thought out of my head right now that ingesting the following:

- mhmmm... 7 glasses of wine (I'm not buzzed really!)
- french fries
- beef
- Dagoba roseberry chocolate (4 pieces)
- a single coconut shrimp

can't possibly enable one to get up at 5 am and practice. I'd be in sane... right?

Today was a long day.... all meetings.. all day. It started out pretty cool thought. I got up super early and had a shot of espresso which I put through the water part of the coffee maker in the room at The Westin. Then I fell back asleep in bed. How can one have a double shot and fall asleep?

I did make it to practice, however. While I enjoy the experience of going to other studios, you're always out of your element. It's just not the same meditational experience when you're "at home." I pretty much got left completely alone my entire practice. Until Kapotasana.

I did Kapotasana... no one was around when I put my hands to my heart in an effort to convince myself that, much to my disbelief, the ground would really be there when my hands reached it and, more importantly, my torso wouldn't split in half if I moved my head in a bit. It was super hot and sweaty in there so I was pretty open... I was pretty surrprised when I came up and, seemingly, out of nowhere the teacher was standing in front of me. He said "Wanna try that again?" When I went to go back he attempted to get me back to my heels before coming head down... I moaned... I explained in something pathetic whinger imitation that it hurt too much through the chest. What chest? Anyway, I went down head first and he helped me walk my hands in... I actually grazed my heels. I was so freaked out when I felt the dead callous skin there that I grunted and completely freaked mentally...and that was it... I completely had to back off them... I thought I was certainly going to die if I didn't stop it right then and there.

I actually debated doing Supta V after Kapotasana. I didn't feel "worthy" to have been moved onto the next pose. I want to say to my teacher "what the hell are you thinking?" Yet, I sorta feel, in some deeper sense of feeling, that there's a purpose to the rhyme or reason. In fact, this one little act of student - teacher relationship has taught me something really deep about myself that is too deep to really discuss in my blog. Like "Ah, that's what I'm supposed to find." Maybe that's just the 6th glass of wine?

I did 9 wonderful backbends...

I spent the entire rest of my day at work...

I wore a short (above knee length) skirt and 3.5" inch heels.. I was self-consious all day.

I finished Shadow of the Wind... I first heard about it on V's blog... I was worried about the Spanish translation but, in the end, it was leant to me by someone who is equally obsessed with books as I am... that book rocked. It has to be one of the most exciting novels I've read in a long time.

Next on the book list, The Ramayana..

and maybe another tattoo.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:11 AM | Comments (3)

June 27, 2006

Craziness

Like our weather today... In the midst of practice we heard this gigantic thunder sound. I realize some of you actually think we are kidding, those of us here in Southern Cal, when we say we don't go outside when it rains, we don't own umbrellas and, at the mere sign of H20 pouring from our skies, the 6pm evening news will have some fancy logo along the lines of Storm Watch 2006. The first thing I thought was "Damn, the drive to L.A. tonight is gonna blow hard if it rains!" Along with over zealous newscasters, the one truth about rain and Southern California is that no one knows how to drive in the rain.

Everyone in the room kinda went "What was that?" Then dutifully went back to practice.

Practice... I can sum practice up in one word. HOT. Practice was hot. Practice was hot enough that I literally felt like I had just walked out of a steamy shower. I'm not much of a sweater and I was so wet that I almost lost it coming out of Bhujapindasana today. All my yoga clothes were dirty so I wore these too big Prana pants I have... the absolute wrong thing to wear on a hot and humid day in the studio... they were getting in my way right and left. I almost got up and went and bought a new pair of studio pants I was so annoyed.

My spot was taken again today. I found myself less attached to it than usual, however.

Dwi Pada sucked today... and not because I couldn't get into it but I just don't get how to keep my legs there. There's no pain so I know it must be something with technique. I watch other people do it and it seems their ankles are right behind their heads... for me, just putting my leg behind my shoulder, my legs are long enough that my foot is all the way above my head. I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to be doing with those legs. I have vowed to someday catch site of JMS doing Dwi Pada because he has really long legs too.

I tried to feel my breaking point in Bakasana today, after Utkatasana and after Bhujapindasana and Supta K... sadly it is the movement of slightly coming forward in an attempt to kick my feet out that pulls the pressure across the chest. It's that movement that my now defunct pec muscle object to... kicking and screaming they go.

My new question in Laghu Vajrasana is not how to get up. I can get up everytime now... it's that when I have my hands on my ankles and then bring my head to the ground, my wrists turn and my elbows bend and then hit my feet. As I've mentioned I'm wondering if this is a natural bend due to the wierdness of my forearm in general (hyperextension) so today I tried to straighten the elbow but I couldn't figure out how to get it over my heel... so I just kept my wrists turned slightly with the elbow coming over and bending on the top of my heel. I have to own up that this makes getting up much easier because I can use the force of the elbow turning back when I come up to help propel me. It's not much of an assist but it is one nonetheless.

Everyone was busy when I did Kapotasana today... so I did it myself. I was fairly surprised then when I, on my own, grabbed mid-foot. I stayed down there for 5 breaths and right as I was about to come up I felt Tim above me. I knew I couldn't handle an adjustment without getting some full breaths in so I popped up. When he gestured to ask what I was doing I told him I needed air. He responded with the observation that given the temperature and humidity in the room, there was way more air "down there" than sitting up. I didn't even want to get into the fact that, dude, I can't BREATHE when I'm in that pose! :) Someday breath will come.... so down I went again. I wish I could say the second time isn't as hard as the first... when the breath comes I imagine so will the comfort level (is anyone with the except of uber-bendies comfortable in this asana?). I'm not having problems coming up anymore and my calves have been quite happy (aka silent) the last few practices (I'm attributing this to drinking SmartWater for the electrolytes although it could also be the 800mg of Motrin I took this morning). Backbending felt lovely... I felt like I had control over all my standups except one although I do believe my feet are turning considerably out. Just call me Quacker. I did all 5 dropbacks without issue. When backbending is good for me I feel awesome after...

My kids have been scooped off to the Del Mar Fair. I'm packing up my bags for L.A. as I type (no really I'm a great multi-tasker)... I just realized I left the power cord for my laptop in L.A. the last time I went so I'll have no laptop until tomorrow. That might be a good thing... that leaves me with a T.V., a book, a bottle of water and a bed in the hotel room.... and a 5:30 alarm set for practice at Yoga East tomorrow.

Ciao.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:03 PM | Comments (1)

June 26, 2006

Don't Call Me

I was thinking earlier about Tiff's posting about text messaging. I had never text messaged before I met Tiff. Afterall, who would I text message. My few friends are just like me, socially inept. That's okay though 'cause that's why we all love each other. As Tiffany can also tell you I despise talking on the phone. I'm one of those people that only real way to reach me is via IM. I'll always answer my IM, even if I'm totally busy or I am too full of self loathing to talk to you. For the most part I have just conveniently arranged it so that I'm always looking for the phone in the house and my cell phone is still in the car from when I left it there last night. I nearly never bring my cell phone in the house. If you're not gonna IM me, the second best way to reach me is via EMail. My cell phone gets email in it, you see; however, ever since I installed Goodlink (the software which lets me talk to my private office network to get work emails), my phone is often "busy" with the data connection and doesn't ring, hence I don't ever answer my phone. Lately, since the latest verison of Goodlink, it also simply never tells me I have voicemail (and I'm horrible at checking voice mail too -- I always forget the password and 90% of the time it doesn't like the programmed version). So, in other words, while Tiffany has kindly asked not to be text messaged ;) (except by me, of course) I kindly ask not to call me... it's not that I don't want to talk to you but you just aren't likely to find me there. Silly I know. I've toyed with the idea of getting rid of the home phone just to force myself to, as conveniently, burst my self-charade... but I worry the kids would get lost or something I'd not hear about for them. Another demon I can tackle another day :)

I've thought about kapotasana all day today.

I tried the jump back from Bakasana 7 times today... 3 times I almost bit my face into the ground. I'm simply not strong enough in the chest yet... it isn't really the biceps but that as soon as they are engaged all the way, you start pulling from your chest to stablize you..that's the part I can't do.

I've decided I need to "diet." Or, really, rather change my diet. I was thinking today that I've never really gone back to my pre The Daughter body. Nursing took so much out of me and then this surgery... I'm soft and squishy. My kids are growing up though and soft and squishy isn't quite as important... before her I was completely vegan, occasionally raw... and completely judgmental about it. I'd like to find some nice balance of that. I've been finding it way too easy to eat crap that I know isn't good for my body. I'm not talking Cheetos or candy bars (Okay I did buy a Mounds bar one day at work). For the most part, we only shop at the health food store so even I say I'm eating chocolate cake, you can pretty much be sure it's orangic, likely wheat free with a organic cream cheese frosting or something (though when I was vegan it would have been soy). I find that these days when I tell people how I used to be about my family's health they don't believe it. I think, for the most part, I come across as just not that rigid. But I am. It's my greatest battle. So while I haven't had a Dorito since Doritos only came in one color bag with one flavor, I am eating foods that I know my body doesn't deal well with. Rice. Potatoes. Breads. I can't eat that kinda shit. I know that. The thing is that kinda shit is easy. Way easier than having to chop and prepare organic, fresh, nicely balance between cooked and raw food 3 times a day. The Husband and I were talking about this when he suggested I go back on the high protein diet...that that's where I seemed the best at. I'm just afraid that if I flip the switch I'll fall way down the black side of the hill. That's hard man.

I read this book by one of the guys from the 7 Day Detox Program or Diet or something or other.. anyway, he talks about the value of fasting and cleansing and detoxing... it's been something I've been wanting to try for awhile. I think I'm gonna do his ease into it routine and start with his 7 day program where you are eating some foods.. then I'm gonna do a juice fast for a day or two. That outta kick the sugar addiction. Just say no to drugs will become my motto. Once the sugar addiction is kicked, you can pretty much take a good road in your diet. Of course, I've never tried to come off caffeine before since, back then, I would never have allowed myself to touch anything with caffeine in it (imagine, 4 years ago, I had never even been to Starbucks! *gasp*)

Hey, you know, in a few weeks it will be the big Anniversary. The one I wish wasn't something I even remembered. Somewhere I got the romanticized idea that my surgery would be a distant idea of something I once did by now. How silly am I?

In a few weeks I get to go see NIN and Bauhaus... that's gonna be kinda fun. I hope it's a really warm night..a summer night.. man, we've been getting some of those and those, they just fill you with fire of life. Prana! I love summer. San Diego Summer Nights are the entire reason why I pay out the ass to live in this state. It's that fleeting feeling that demands we all stay here even when the very idea of a hut way up in the mountains with green trees, doing yoga in tune with nature sounds like the absolute pinnacle of your life's dreams. Of course, we also then remember that it rains to keep those trees green... and, well, I was never very good in the rain.

Man, what am I gonna do about chocolate!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:00 PM | Comments (8)

I'm A Winger

I tried my new ritual again this morning. I got up at 5am, made some Yerba Mate (skipped the Motrin), worked a bit and then went to practice. I can really tell a difference those first few minutes on the mat. I no longer feel like "OMG I have to get my hamstrings warmed up." My body feels ready for practice.

Practice was a bit wierd today.... some of the teacher trainees were adjusting which made for a "crowded" room but it wasn't really crowded so I'm not sure where I got that feeling from. It could be that I was on the other side of the room than I normally am... my spot was taken... and all of us Ashtangis know how we are about our spot. So practice was going along well. I take special note now to determine if my upward dogs feel stiff like wood or relatively supple.. I'm hardly "bendy" so I mean that my lower back feels open enough to have some arch. I got a nice adjustment in Dwi Pada but my feel fell off my head and I couldn't get them back... then I got a second adjustment by The Australian in Dwi Pada so that I could keep my feet there.

Kapotasana.... kapotasana... how I love thee kapotasana (or so I try to convince myself). The Australian came to help me... I said "Are you ready?" He said "Am I ready.. are you ready is the question?" Down I go, grunt, freak out... please don't move my hands more... please please please please... shake head... no no more no more... Come up... ask The Australian WHAT can I do to help myself... in the midst of this Tim comes by and says "She's a winger, must be British." To which I respond "What's a winger" (I think that's the word he used)... he says "A complainer." I say "YEP that's me!" So we go through about 3 iterations of dropping back into it... really pushing through the chest, Kiran telling me "Move your head to your butt" -- me uttering through constrained breath "I AM!" :) I could really feel what he was trying to get me to do but I just couldn't do it... I couldn't pull it off... by the time we were done with all this experimentation I flat out just had nothing left... I came up... sat down and thought "I'm wiped out!" My core hurt, my quads hurt... my back hurt. I was sorta blacked out sitting there, my mind was somewhere else... when I hear Tim say "Today, Julie?" I'm thinking "WHAT!? no way..can't do it again." So, in a totally childish, whining (or winger) voice I say "I just did it 3 times!" I can't begin to say how embarrassed I was when he said "Today Supta Vajrasana." It took about 20 seconds for me to process what he said so he expounded "Jump back first."

My core was so strung out that I literally COULD NOT jump back... and I couldn't jump to my hands... I was just beat. So I did Supta Vajrasana. Tim helped me setup... he said he was going to "make my feet bigger" to which Kiran said that my feet were pretty big. This brought up how big my feet really are. Tim says "Size 10?" I say "No 11!" "11!!!!" I couldn't keep hold of my toes going back though... no matter how long he made my feet.. .backbends..stand ups... on one dropback I tried really hard to push through my chest and see the ground without bending my knees first... and then BAM I fell on my knees. Kiran said "Hey, at least you saved your head!" Something to be proud of.

After practice some of the people who heard the Supta Vajrasana exchange made note of it... it was quite funny... I was a silly child about it. It's also quite entertaining that, once again, a new pose was given to me when I very least expected it. I wasn't even thinking when he said it that he was giving me a new pose. I got in the car to leave and I thought "OH no!!!! Bakasana is next...." Bakasana is next... Bakasana is next... Which is actually a good thing because Bakasana B and the jump back from Bakasana A will likely take me a lifetime to get through :)

In the interim my lower back is KILLING ME.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:17 PM | Comments (5)

June 24, 2006

Shallow Human Nature

After my glorious practice yesterday, I spent the better part of the remainder of daylight hours staring at this scene:

It's my computer (duh) and on the wall right above me is the process diagram for the workflow I am building based on Sharepoint 2007 and Windows Workflow Foundation... I have, at various points, wanted to slam my head through the nice pretty color-coded task boxes (which were my design) and, at others, been pretty surprised at how easy it is to solve complex business processes with this, very rough and beta based, foundation. And, this, is my proof of concept... not even the main workflow projects slated for this year. YIKES!

And just because it was in the same folder as this picture... I am still in awe of this picture:

Someday my leg will stay behind my head like that too... someday soon... and perhaps she'll not have to wait until she's 36 to do it (of course, that's venturing that it stays there in the next two months before I turn 37).

My work week next week quickly filled up. While I usually go to L.A. on Mondays, next week I'll be there both Wednesday and Thursday for day long meetings after meetings after meetings... meetings about the meetings, meetings after the meetings and meetings in general. Meetings... who thought of them? I have so many meetings, I can't keep them all straight. By 5:37 last night, I told my project coordinator "You handle the schedule, I'll be there Wednesday morning by 9am and you'll just direct me like you're Cruise Ship Director." I'm a developer not an event planner :) So I'm driving to L.A. on Tuesday night. I am debating if I should attempt a practice in Brentwood but I imagine the traffic will be horrid getting back downtown and I know at Yoga East I can start before 6am getting me back in time for a nice shower and walk over to the office.

After finally making peace with where I was in my workflow last night (which wasn't where I wanted to be), I drove up to Tiff's house for a Yogi Get Together. It almost never fails that after any type of social event like this I have some bad karma feeling building up in my bones. It's human nature for us to talk about our social environment, the people in it, the things we like and don't like, our opinions, our judgments and, let's face it, our downright childish, putrid and sometimes horrific commentary based out of our ego. I hate when that happens around yoga. I think for days how I could have let go more readily of my thoughts or feelings after I've blurted them out in a group of people...

Hey, at least my color-coded task bubbles can't talk back to me.

SIDE NOTE: TODAY marks the TWO YEAR anniversary of Ashtangi.NET ... it's hard to believe actually. It was a whim I got one day when I got bored and frustrated checking blog links... I've met some amazing people through this box and blue screened logo... amazing... much love, blessings to you all. Thanks for making such a wonderful community! Namaste!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:33 PM | Comments (4)

June 23, 2006

Woowwwweeee

I'm a bit stressed with work. I've got big things on my plate, all beta driven code, big licensing issues with the new tier of licensing MSFT has "not really announced yet" (and which are quite frustrating). I've got short deadlines and lots of lines of code to write. I worked all day yesterday. I noticed more and more that I need to stretch through my front, pushing my shoulders back and arching a little bit in my lower back throughout the day. I worked up until 11, read for a half hour, set the alarm for 5:15. My plan was to get up earlier than normal for practice today... give my body a chance to wakeup a bit, have some tea...

I somehow got to practice super early... the teacher trainees were doing kirtan with Tim, apparently instead of Pranayama. Surprisingly, the room was still relatively empty for the 7am Mysore class. I wonder where all the teacher trainees are for practice... or, maybe the room is just bigger than we all imagined. Regardless, this has been a non-mat-space-issue teacher training week... or maybe I'm just not affected much by that stuff anymore.

I noticed from the start that my back felt really happy today. I had just the most completely stellar practice ever. One of those times when you simply don't want the practice to end, where everything is perfectly still and calm and you want to hold onto the feeling and the experience as long as you can before the cold harsh reality of, well, work, starts to smother it out of you.

Practice just ROCKED.... rocked.. rocked...

I even got the Double Adjustment in Kapotasana today... after my first attempt at Kapotasana left me laying on my back with my right calf totally cramped up. I did it again with The Australian adjusting me this time and shortly after getting to my feet I saw The Man's feet at my head... I think I actually muttered "Oh no!" tried to breathe and then, bam, all the pain was gone... it felt amazing... joyful... exuberant. I don't think I actually got any further up my feet but I felt perfectly blissful nonetheless.

Backbends were spot on perfect for me today. I loved each and every one. I was able to slowly drop back.. come up without drama. Each one felt better than the last... I would have done 10 of them if I could have... my last drop back felt extraordinary.... My lower back never once screamed for my attention... interesting.

On the way home I analyzed what could have made practice so incredibly amazing today:

-- the stress I've been under coming out
-- the early morning rise allowing my body to wake up a bit before practice (but then I get that when I practice at 9am)
-- the Yerba Matte I drank (perhaps more calming than espresso shots -- but then again I drink Yerba Matte regularly before 9am practices and definiltely before noon ones)

or, more likely, the simple fact that we are all different everyday... our bodies change and grow... or mental space.. today was an on day and though I'd like to think that I've had some amazing breakthrough... I know I'll have off days again too.

For now... riding the yoga high...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:58 AM | Comments (2)

June 21, 2006

Evangelism

The Husband asked to go surfing this morning. He rarely asks for my "yoga time" so, of course, I said sure. I went to the 9am Mysore class instead. I figured it would still be relatively crowded with teacher training going on but it was, surprisingly, empty. Last night I tripped over the stair to our kitchen... we have tile floors... I fell straight on my knees and then sat with an icepack for an hour. If you remember, I also sliced my thumb last night. While my knee managed to find solace in the ice and Motrin my poor thumb got its band-aid ripped off of me while I was trying to come up from Kapotasana today. Nice!

Practice today was wierd... just wierd.... one of those practices where something is clearly going "HEY look at me, look at me!" but it hasn't quite made it's way to the surface from the cracks inside your body (I'm convinced this crack is at the lower region of my spine)... sorta scary at the same time, isn't it? Wierd... that's all I can come up with.

My boss is Super Evangelist ExtraOrdinaire. He probably has found this blog by now... scary to think so many people in my professional life now read this blog (*shudder*) but I know quite a few who do... so, if you are reading, I mean this with absolutely positive admiration. He's Super Evangelist Extraordinaire because he's totally out there with enthusiam and excitement about the things he's doing... he's got that drive, that HEY MOM LOOK AT ME... that's really cool... I can't do that kinda shit. I'm like "Dude, turn the other way, nothing to see here."

....

I had to leave and come back to this post and have no idea what I was even writing... so, nonetheless... big meetings tomorrow... no Mysore... maybe at club.. maybe self-practice. We'll see what happens...

In the meantime...

I feel the urging to
get a tattoo
cut all my hair off
drink a whole hell of a lot of wine (probably stemming from PMS)
eat more Dagoba Roseberry Chocolate Bars <--- note the plural there
lay on a beach and have someone bring me drinks when I drop a little flag

I'm going to Orlando in August for a weeklong conference. Usually the kids and The Husband come with but this year we can't afford for everyone to go.... I looked today, no Mysore in Orlando so it will be a week of self practice... which will be nice in the HEAT or Florida in August! WHoohooo love that. I think I'm also gonna get the Shirodhara and Bindi treatment while there.. it will, literally, be The Ritz Carlton version, but, heck, it'll still rock. As close to drinks on a beach as I'm gonna get for awhile anyway.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:21 PM | Comments (4)

June 20, 2006

I Have A Dream

Well I'm not sure it's a dream but definitely a thought. Today I actually looked up kids yoga teacher trainings. I actually really liked teaching the kids and would like to know more about it. I was thinking about how in my class I always did dropbacks with the little kids. I realize this sounds "advanced" but I looked at it from the perspective of getting over fear. Imagine, at 5, if you'd flip yourself up into a handstand and just not really give a flying crappola if you flew up and over and into a backbend.. you'd spew your rubbery limbs out and stand up, do it again. I never let them go it alone and I always basically did the backbend into my hand so that no child was doing more of a backbend than they could handle, if they could handle it. They loved it... that's cool... no fear...

Fear. It Runs The Show Man.

Anyway, in my mental rumblings I've thought how cool it would be to open a kids yoga studio. Paint the walls some fun thing, have kid sized stuff... and do yoga... I've already been asked by 3 local schools and a local studio to provide classes for ages 6 to 11. That would take all morning! That's about as far as my mental wanderings go... then it becomes something that would take effort to look into the "business" stuff and I can't go there.

I love psychology magazines. Tonight I learned that researchers have proven the 7 Year Itch is really a 10 Year Itch. The Attachment Theory is finally getting press time in mainstream magazines and 78% of the population believes they are more liberal than their parents. And Bush is President!

I bought a book today on Ayruvedic healing/cooking/eating that looks awesome. It's a nice hard back cookbook. If you didn't already know, I'm a Cookbook Whore. Tonight I made a lovely stirred fried rice from Donna Hay. We also had a bit of rose, a drier one with a really good review. Rose... who knew!

I sliced my finger while cooking said dinner... yep... was looking right at the Bok Choy and BOOM missed the end altogether and went through my finger. One of those jarring moments when you think "Damn, that was stupid!" I now have a Garfield and a Curious George bandaid on my finger because, well, it was all we had. Brilliance!

The Son hasn't been the most affectionate kid in awhile. It's really crushed me and awhile back I made the aware choice to really put some focus on this area. I am so happy that he's now kissing me daily, even twice a day.. hugging and generally seems much more comfortable with my affection. It's always really cool when you see something you've been pouring effort into come to fruition.

The psychology magazine also told me that studies have shown your short term memory is like 60 seconds... and that you have to repeat, for example, names right when you hear them in order to remember them. Interesting. It also explains a lot of other things I tend to forget real easily.

Tomorrow... 9 am practice... Tonight I had a Dagoba Roseberry chocolate bar!!!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:22 PM | Comments (7)

All Physical...

I was going to title this 'Let's Get Physical' but I wasn't sure if you would all hear the humours rendition of Oliva Newton John going through my mind, "Let's get physical, physical... I wanna get physical..."

This is my physical post for the day... a much more life philosophy post brewing for later... I was worried mat space would be tight today so I got to the studio a few minutes early but, surprisingly, it wasn't bad... though it was hot. I own up to being interested in seeing how other people have been taught today... In the end, I was pretty into my own practice and didn't get to see much. I had a really, really nice practice today. It might have been the 800mg of Motrin I took at 7am or maybe it was the Starbucks Double Shot I had at 7:15 or maybe it was a combination of that, the fact that it was 9am instead of 7am and the room was hot but I just felt with it today. Tim was all over me about my pinky toe being on the floor in certain postures today. I hate to tell him, but my pinky toe, it doesn't go straight, it is bent in half and I don't think it will ever go onto the floor... it's not really even on the floor when I stand up straight. I have horrid toes. Hanumanasana rocked today. I could have stayed there forever. I'm having a huge problem lately with where to put my forehead or chin in forward bends... cranking the neck and putting my chin on the shin seems a bit uncomfortable but putting my forhead down I'm either unable to breathe or I'm not getting enough of an edge in the forward bend. I got a lovely adjustment in Dwi Pada to Supta K today and the Big Man Squash in Baddha Konasana. I know I even did a few correct Chatarungas today which is really, really cool... means my pec muscles might one day be normal again. Second series was good but I was a bit worried when I didn't get the Bhekasana adjustment because that really loosens up my back... Tim came over in Ustrasana and pushed my pinky toes down again... then he told me I have super flexible ankles. I said "Well, at least that's good for Janu Shirasana C!" I'm able to go down to my head in Laghu Vajrasana consistently now... the only thing is that I think I have some bend in my elbows if I hold onto my ankles... but I think today I finally figured out that this is a bend from my hyperextension/double jointedness... when I try to go down, my arm twists out and the only way to pull it back in is to have that sorta bend like I do in Downward Dogs. I wonder if this is incorrect given that I'm definitely on my ankles and my arms are, for all intents, straight, my arms just don't go straight normally. I did Kapotasana today on my own. I held it with my fingers just above my toes for 5 breaths... then I remembered what OKRGR said, that JMS said.... which is to just do it... and do it again.. and soon the fear will be gone... I mean, if you know you're gonna do it a bunch of times... where's the fear. I was having ALL KINDS of problems with cramping in my calves today... like I was even cramping really bad in Shalabasana and Dhanurasana... I knew I was gonna get some gnarly cramps coming out of Kapotasana and sure enough.. the cramp was bad enough that I couldn't straight out my feet. I wish I knew what is causing this level of cramping for me. So I setup to do Kapotasana again but this time I asked Tim for help. He said "You already did?" I said "Yes, but I need help." He said "Ah, you did incorrectly!" After I dropped back I was determined to find a way to breathe during the adjustment and I have to say it really really helped (duh)... I inhaled as he was drawing my hands further up my feet (or, in the very least, I had the intention of inhalation but somewhere the breath got caught up) and I was able to graze the bottom of my heels (so just above mid-foot)... man, if there was ever a time I cursed having Size 11 feet, it's trying to go far enough to grab the heels in Kapotasana ;) In the end, it was nearly as scary as it normally is but the cramps came on full bore when I was done. Backbends felt good today, dropbacks weren't scary or hard and neither was standing up... I loved my practice today.

But it is interesting to see how different people are taught and moved on.

My demo yesterday went really well. After a thread on the international legal listserv ended with two CIOs (including our own CIODude) really tooting my horn for me to thousands of people (I believe the words were something along the lines of "most talented programmers I know" and "uber programming goddess"). It's really fulfilling to see something you've worked so hard on excite the end user... solve some business problem they've faced for years.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:44 PM | Comments (8)

June 18, 2006

Whew... Eww..

Practice today was the hottest I've ever felt it. It might as well have been Bikram. In fact, at some point, I'm pretty sure Tiff said that. Mat space was tightened, the teacher trainees have arrived en masse. Pretty much from the start there was this odor in the what is usually the front half of the room but, today, was the back half of the room (keeping those of us "my space" mat nazis on our toes that teacher!). It was disconcerting but perhaps the most disconcerting moment actually happened during Janu Shirasana B when Tiff leaned over and said the most funny ass thing... it took me like 3 breaths to get it before I was literally chuckling out loud, way too loudly... which made her laugh out loud... which then made Dr. Mike laugh out loud.

Standing up from backbends is now only work. For awhile I was still in the OH I just learned to do this phase... and, now, I'm in the middle phase where it's just this mountain for me. My lower back has been really acting up in practice... like an edge acting up... or maybe it's the Motrin kind of acting up... I'm not entirely sure I know the difference. Regardless, I've been able to pull them off, they just don't seem or feel very elegant.

We ended up driving to Temecula to have a family dinner with my family for Father's Day. I had a bunch of glasses of rare Belgian Ale. My dad is 60 and still races dirt bikes every weekend or more. He's got these friends in various places and one of them is in Belgium. He goes down there to ride with them every so often and they come here. He had them send him a bunch of non-imported bottles of Belgian Ale... they come in bottles like champagne bottles... have a cork... are drunk in wide mouthed glasses... How can one resist that! Besides I have the day off practice tomorrow because I have to go to L.A. for my demos. I still haven't figured out a way to work in a practice on those days. I hate chalking it up to a shrug of the shoulders but not sure how else to look at it. The beer was really good and then I had a lovely new banana Hefeweisen at dinner (banana meaning blonde). Before kids, before I like wine, I was quite the beer snob. I suppose I still am a beer snob, I just rarely drink beer anymore.

My parents told us tonight they are considering buying a house downtown between Ensenada and Rosarito and retiring there... how cool would that be! I say go live it up for the rest of your lives... man, that's what I hope I do at 60.

My tattoo artist is ready to do my tattoo... just the Ganesh, upper arm... I can't decide... not if but now or later. Can I justify spending the money on another tattoo? Should I wait til after summer? Color or black and white?

In Ashtangi.NET news, I am working on the ability to link back to the main page of everyone's blog rather than directly to the post... it does change the blog interaction... I've just been cranking out this demo and haven't had time to edit the code to add that in (well mostly because I haven't set up a test bed for DotNetNuke).. but I will... as soon as I can breathe again.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:37 PM | Comments (3)

June 17, 2006

Man.

Friday night The Husband and I went on date night. It was the first time we've ever left the kids with someone other than my mom, sister or his brother and paid for someone to watch them so we could "go out." The fact is, we haven't been nurturing our marriage at all and, in large ways, it really is putting a damper on us. We didn't go far off the limb, we used The Nanny (who is way more expensive than teenage girls so I think we are going to have to try that next time). It was also sorta wierd that we went to yoga. We went to the first series class at the club (It will be a long time, I think, before The Husband would ever "pay" for a yoga class). M was teaching and the room was super hot since it had been so sunny that day. It was nice. Usually practices at PAC are a bit cold. I was having a really good practice. The Husband was a couple mats down so I couldn't really see him and I was pretty focused. I didn't get to do Dwi Pada because M doesn't give that adjustment and I realized how much I miss that hip opening. I did, however, do fancy jumpbacks not including lolasana which I still don't even attempt post-surgery. Between Mari A & C M always tries to have us do the jumpback with one leg over the shoulder, lift, swing the straight leg through and pull the other leg back to chatarunga. Well she says "Fancy jumpbacks are encouraged." For years I've been trying to do that and I've always had no idea how I'd get my LONG ass legs through that tiny space... so I was pretty surprised when my leg just whipped through... so surprised that I didn't know what I was supposed to do next and I fell on my face! Lesson learned. Second try, the leg came whipping through again but I couldn't get enough bend to pull the other leg off... Third try... ah... bend the opposite elbow... Fourth try... way faster than I possibly can! ;) It was fun though and I was super surprised at getting the straight leg through...

One of the things I realized about practicing at the club... and I totally don't mean this in a snobby way and I hope there's no ego to it... but I realized that it can be really disconcerting for me to be the person that people watch. At the studio everyone is into the practice and their driste and even if they were there to sightsee, there's some beautiful advanced practitioners in the room. At the studio there's this nice insulated bubble of your space. Not necessarily not seeping with everyone's energies, but a bubble nonetheless. At PAC I frequently hear oos and ahs or, like Friday, some women shaking her head with a sneer as if I'm showing off. It's very disconcerting. It's a great reminder, however, to watch our mats.

One of the things I learned a long time ago was that you can't free yourself of judgment if you are judging other people for judging.

At the restaurant we happened to get seated next to the attorney I was a secretary for back before The Husband and I met, through our courtship (what happened to that?) and our wedding. Then two tables down my friend, B's, girlfriend (how was the river trip?) was having dinner with a friend. We had Thai food. Then we came home. We are bad dates! Or, maybe it was the $12 per hour we had to pay The Nanny for our excursion.

I've worked all day today. For you techheads (and I know, surprisingly, there are quite a few at this point), I'm getting ready to demo a custom workflow application using the new Office Systems Server 2007 (aka Sharepoint). It's pretty cool stuff but, man, completely undocumented. I'm happy to say that though I got a bit teary this morning when I couldn't port the whole thing from my dev box to staging, I finally made it work. Even I'm freakin' amazed by it. I am the lone ranger (nod off to C for the designation)... or Michael Jordan, even. That's what my boss told me on Thursday... that he hired me because I'm the Michael Jordan in the field. Tim told me that was a big compliment when I asked him to explain it (I'm not real into sports, I couldn't remember if he was basketball or baseball). I'm striving for an 80 point game right now (that's what I was told I should aim for and I understand this incredibly difficult to do).

Tomorrow begins Teacher Trainees starting to trickle in. I can't practice Monday as I have this huge demo so I'm really looking forward to practice tomorrow. Plus there's no kapotasana! Actually I had the opportunity to say a few words to my teacher about kapotasana... they were few "Fear... fear... fear." In that order.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:21 PM | Comments (3)

June 15, 2006

7th Series

Today was one of those days where I never stopped... well I did stop but it felt like I didn't stop. I first went to the second grade "party" for graduation. I hate to say it but I must be Miss Scrouge 'cause I just feel like all these "parties" and "graduations" are silly.... Regardless, since I haven't done anything for The Son's class most of the year, I went to the party... which was held outside in the hot sun with no shade, no unrefined sugar ingestables and 20 8 year olds.

Work, work... conference call.. in the middle of which Bill Gates announced his upcoming retirement... late conference call... The Daughter and I raced to get to the beach to meet T, C & L. The first breath of air all day (as T called it, the counter pose to 7th series)... the first moment of peace... but, apparently, my aura is all messed up and I needed to wash away the remnants of civilization and I was coerced, though gently and with jest, to go in the water. See I hate the water here in So. Cal. I realize how wonderfully brilliant it is to live here but 65 degree water is flat out freezing and you'd be hard pressed to find a cold day in Hell in which I would immerse myself. We've been building up to the point of initiating my immersion into water during our various beach excursions... It started in Tulum... and today it was non-ceremoniously mentioned that perhaps I needed to be carried and dropped in. The Yoga Sutras tell us that future pain should be avoided so fearing the results of "the drop" I went in of my own will... and it was cold... really freakin' cold. But in I went... under one wave, then another..then another... and you know what I did feel refreshed and I did feel more clear (of course, the lifeblood could have just been frozen out of me, who knows)... funny... right again.

I forgot that Monday starts Teacher Training... 38 students... tight mat space.

At the beach The Daughter & L mostly caught ladybugs. Usually I give the stern lecture about removing "animals" from their homes but today I decided that if she wanted to spend a couple hours catching laydbugs, well, I'd help her out... so we created two Lady Bug Houses (out of used juice bottles)... and each child brought their Lady Bugs home... on the way home I stopped at the toy store and got this cool LadyBug necklace which was basically a plastic jar with a magnifier lens as the lid and air holes poked in it. I then got a "bug house" and we put two lady bugs in each small environment with leaves and sticks. The Daughter is SO proud of these... her first pets.

Tonight ended with the Annual End Of School Year Block Party... a fest of children and parents... pizza and beer... and it's 10 pm... I'm just sitting down. I think The Husband wants to do the first series class tomorrow so I will likely skip Mysore in an effort to be supportive of his attempts at yoga... Eh, Friday is a first series day anyway.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:34 PM

June 14, 2006

I'm Lazy

Sometimes when I sit down to blog I think about my first memory of the day. On a day like today it's sorta hard to figure out what the first memory was. Was it when The Husband shook me awoke at 4am... shaking my shoulders, insisting I was falling from somewhere in his imagination to somewhere even scarier in his imagination. I admit to yelling "You're alseep! No go to sleep!" Maybe, though, that doesn't count. Maybe it was when The Son got up at 5:30, sat outside our door and pretended he was a rocket blasting off for the sun... maybe that was it. Regardless, it definitely started at some point and I wound my way to Mysore. A wierd practice because at first I just wanted to go home... but slowly my hamstrings got happy and I seemed to gain some strength. As they said "Tell yourself this is good and it is good." That's my reality anyway. Everyone at Mysore seemed to be in a silly mood, even Tim and The Australian. We were cracking jokes right and left on our side of the room. The girl next to me ;) and the girl across from me, they discussed trading Karandavasana for Urdva Kukkutasana (is that it?) ... myself, another girl and our teacher discussed Indian Princesses, our teacher cracked jokes about his purpose in teaching... it was fun... joyful... lightehearted. One of those fine moments when you realize that sometimes you just have to laught at it all... it isn't all about the seriousness of this practice though, at least for me, there is definitely the discipline and the presence of mind to make it serious.

It didn't stop me, however, from purposefully timing Kapotasana so that no one could adjust me. I am actually pretty sure in my own reality that Kapotasana is simply never gonna, ever be something I can do. I realize that this is my own reality for this moment and that tomorrow's moment might include some element of the real reality which is that reality is what we make it. How'd you like that sentence?

I did a few backbends and stand ups and when I saw The Australian coming over I thought, well, if I give up now, I'll just be getting The Australian and not Tim. I can screw off with The Australian. The Australian says "Oh, cross your arms... otherwise I just think you're being lazy between backbends!" Hahahahahaha. The Australian is pretty quiet and his wit is slightly dry... and he's dead right, I was. Just the right medicine... I've only done dropbacks with The Australian a couple times and, man, you know what, he's harder than with my teacher because he does the asisst so very differently... Sometimes I wonder if we meld into how we think someone is going to adjust us. I will try to no longer think about where I think the adjustmnent is going. Only lazy man cannot do yoga.

The Son's last day of second grade is tomorrow!! I can't believe it. I don't feel old enough for this. I mean, my GOD, GIRLS are coming soon. GIRLS!!!!!!

Tomorrow I'll be practicing 7th series... giving up my "daily practice" to attend the party at school. I'll be one of those moms that doesn't know the other moms because I never do the daily drop off and rarely the pick up. I'm that mom. The one for whose kid all the other moms feel sorry for. Seriously, you know it's true. I'm not too upset about it, it's just the situation (or maybe it's just my reality, I'm egotistic enough to realize that's possible).

As an aside:
I think this is such a great idea! I don't really know how it works as far as who can donate or what but I like the scholarship idea... I think there are various reasons why those us do and those of us don't go to Mysore. For many of the people I know, it's less money and more the logistics of life... we're married, we have kids, there's school and jobs and sustainability for those kids.... and, for others I know, it's really about the money. So I think this is a great idea... because if I never get to Mysore, at least I know Erik went and shared his experiences... because I have to believe that the energy one brings back from their time with Guruji and Sharath is deep enough that, like any good teacher to student relationship, resonates with the student.

Addendum: Four Years Ago was the first time I did baddha padmasana... sometimes this blog thing is really cool.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:32 PM | Comments (2)

June 13, 2006

Who's Your Teacher?

The Daughter is out for summer vacation already which means that, on certain days, most especially Tuesdays and Thursdays, practice is where I can get it. The Husband is in OC on T/TH so it's me and The Nanny covering... today was one such day. Since I couldn't get The Daughter covered until 9:30, I relied on Kiran's noon class... the one where half the room is doing Mysore and the other half Kiran is leading. I decided I really felt like having an extra ooomph of energy today so I drank two shots of espresso this morning. It really makes me zoom since most days I have a cup of Yerba Matte only. Practice started off groovy because the hamstrings are way happier at noon than they are at 7am... In one of my last downward dogs, Kiran arrived and said "Tim is here." I was confused, here as in like at the club? Why would Tim be at the club? I said "What." She said "Tim is here." I said "Tim who?" She said "Your teacher, Tim is in town, why are you here?" Ah, it's the old fit in the practice where I get it routine and Kiran is an extraordinary teacher to have to fall back on :)

I have worked out a practice that seems to fit into the designated 11:45-1:30 time slot I have:

3 As
3 Bs
All of standing
seated - skipping Janu B & C
skip vinyasa between sides in Mari A, instead put leg over shoulder, lift and cross ankles
seated to Konasana... then skip to second
all of my second series poses
finishing

Today I even did a couple research poses for Kapotasana... I'm sorry to say that it didn't help. We even did a chant in honor of JMS before I went back: "Kapotasana will be extraordinary... extraordinary... extraordinary." Kapotasana was still an exercise in breath retention and fear... I'm cool once I get back there...but as soon as the adjustment pulls my hips and tries to arch my back more I cramp up, hold my breath, grunt and freak out. Kapotasana... how will I grow to love you?

Backbends... 3... up... down... up... down .... up... down... up... dropbacks... no issues. I noted today, however, that I have a definitive pull through the "incision/tacked" area on my left breast. It really hinders my ability to push through the sternum.

The Husband did the class with me today (well he did the led class)... interesting. On the one hand I find my ego wants him to look at me and go "WOW that's my wife!" On the other, it's just yoga and it's just my practice.

When The Nanny got home from picking up The Daughter she told me that the playdate's mom said "Julie has the best body of anyone I know." I guffawed and then realized it was a nice compliment. When I look in the mirror all I see is a big ass and horrendously cellulite thighs (I actually like the rest of me)... we all have our own mirror distortions... it seems like this message is all around me lately. Yesterday at the gas station The Husband and I pulled in behind a woman who was clearly anorexic. There was no question. I know some girls who many people secretly assume are anorexic but this girl was clear as mud not eating. You could see the bones within her arms, you could see where the bones interconnected... her head was bigger than her body, distorted... she looked like she might break. I noticed some jutting in her ab... as if she is also (and most likely) very malnourished. I noticed the thought cross my mind "Well, I'd rather be really skinny like that than have my big ass." I immediately admonished myself... where did that stupid idea come from? Then suddenly I was just hungry all afternoon... really hungry. I have noticed of late that I haven't been eating much... was too busy to eat... now I just want junk food. Perhaps it is hormonal.

The Son is having a playdate as I type. The boy is really cute and sweet and The Daughter is in love with him. You should see her little eyes when she's in the room with him. You should see how she shows off for his benefit. I don't know if he is aware of this or cares. He definitely integrates her into their play which is interesting given that The Son would prefer she lived on the moon most of the time. Overall, however, it is truly terrifying. How can she "like" someone at the age of 5. SHE'S FIVE!!!! Man, girls start early and boys are clueless from the beginning ;)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:11 PM | Comments (2)

June 12, 2006

Profund

Isn't it funny how we ashtangis (and perhaps this includes all yogis but I am only experienced with ashtanga) are always acutely aware of just what is hurting here and there?

My first steps on the mat this morning were crazily scary. I noticed yesterday that my right bicep was really really sore... sore to the touch actually. I can't remember doing anything to it (until just moment as I type... right bicep... hundreds of cartwheels... ah... ). My hamstrings were screaming... like where I couldn't get head to shins through all my sun sals... it's been a long time since I was that tight. Every upward dog was an exercise in will... I will make it to the next vinyasa. I will. I got a wierd adjustment today in Prasarita C... a pose where I rarely get adjusted since I can easily put my fists on the ground. It was wierd because I felt really wierd after it. Not off center, but not centered. I think it was I had no idea what I was being led to. Actually, now that I reflect on my practice and the goings on around it, the more I realize that my entire practice was a space cadet effort of will. I told The Australian during a really nice Mari D adjustment that I couldn't enjoy that I just felt all sore and tired. I debated, pretty seriously, only doing first series. I thought the adjustment in Bhekasana might kill me. I was hemming and hawing over Kapotasana when my teacher and I have this conversation:

Kapotasana?
Kapotasana.
Fear?
What?
Fear?
*grunt* and plop to my hands...
head is moved back, think I might die
hips are moved, hands are moved... I know I might die
hands moved more.. involuntarily exhale of what little air existed in my lungs
*grunt*
panic

Then I did 3 backbends... and each one was the worst I can ever remember them feeling physically. Like a child I decided that I was going to only do 3. I tried to time it, like a child, that my teacher might not notice. As I leaned over into a forward bend after the 3 agonizing exercises in self-ego management I heard "What you're done?" Caught. "My back is sore." "Your back is sore?" "Yes" "Then you didn't do enough." This was said with the authoritative tone and energy that my teacher only pulls out sometimes. One of the things I love about where I practice is the sense of humor and joy but occasionally something is said to you in a way that means "This is what you will do" and you do because you are the student. So I did 3 more.... and then I stood up... so I dropped back...stood up... To which I was met with "Feel better?"

I did feel better.

I love the subtleness of this practice and how, just the shortest of sentences from the teacher can give you a profound internal understanding. It's not some literal understanding but a feeling. More backbends. More backbends. More backbends.

I looked over the Ganesh for my tattoo tonight. I'm pretty close... I just wonder if I should wait til after summer.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:55 PM

June 11, 2006

Batter Up

The Son had his last baseball game on Saturday morning. It started at 9am. He did great. The team made a grand slam on the last batter of the season, last up... pretty cool way to finish the season. The Son, as I have mentioned before, isn't the most athletic kid but he's really come a long way. The coach keeps telling me how The Son is his star hitter... not because he slams the ball but because he is consistently the only player who can hit the ball on the first or second pitch (some kids take a WHOLE lot more pitches than that -- this is still machine pitch, next year is kid pitch with a count). The Son got his trophey and proclaimed he wouldn't play again.

I then sped up to Encinitas to see Cameron. I was hoping to get a chance to see his new ink getting needled but The Daughter had her gymnastics meet at 12:30 so I knew I wouldn't get to see it. I did get to see the new studio, 454, that my tattoo artist is now working at and see the beautiful artwork Cameron is getting but no needle down... my favorite part. My artist told me if I'm gonna do a Ganesh with a Hanuman, I have to do the tattoo bigger... the problem is, I don't have a "bigger" place on my body. Cameron and I joked with another customer that perhaps I need to go lift some weights so I can make a bigger canvas ;) I have debated putting it along my side but, I don't know, it doesn't feel right there. So I may do just the Ganesh along my right upper arm.... ink... it's addictive ;)

The Daughter's gymnastics meet was fun... the girls did a great job but most amazing was watching the team girls do their demonstration. Holy cow... I was ogling over their trivikurmasana, somakonasana and, drooling even, over the backdrops. I did note that many of them start backdrops with one foot out in front. The tumbling routines were phenomenal. The Daughter sat with her mouth open the entire time.... I think she's gonna be lit up about gymnastics for awhile.

Over the weekend I've been asked by about 5-6 parents to bring my "yoga program" to their individual elementary schools. So far on the list are three public Del Mar schools, one Del Mar private school, one La Jolla private school and one Encinitas private school. If yoga paid better, I could quit my job and make a real kid's yoga program. Unfortunately, I've got too many bills stacked up to give it a whirl. Surprising to me, the children seem to love me... I feel less than childish these days so I'm surprised but perhaps my energy is cleaner than my mind.

I forgot today was a moonday... this means that I haven't practiced in 3 days. I haven't even been stretching.... I have however been doing a lot of cartwheels and handstands (which means my backbends will probably be hell tomorrow). This afternoon we went to the beach, ran into two of The Daughter's friends from preschool. I also ran into one of the more advanced students from the studio who told me that she's doing Anusara now (and her practice is, as a result, totally different) and that she spent from age 5 doing gymnastics... well that explains the effortless handstanding and backbending I've seen her do. At some point the girls convinced me to do cartwheels and handstands... and then the Dhanurasana swing, dropbacks (for them)... It was a beautiful, relaxing day at the beach.

So the Anusara thing interests me. I hear everyone talking about Anusara. Frankly, the couple times I've done it there's just way way too much talking and wierd stuff. I like my silent practices and I like the meditational aspect of Ashtanga, the fact that it is the same sequence is where the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind lies for me. I guess I just have no desire for anything outside of Ashtanga.

I got an email today from the friend I saw when I was out to dinner the other night... she made a comment about something and said "I know you'll understand." I did. I told her to breathe... it's a gentle reminder to myself that through the chaos, I'm not alone... that this moment is all there is... breathe. We agreed to try to find some time for dinner and catch up conversation in a few weeks when school is out and the chaos of summer is a bit simpler than the chaos of the last days of school. There is much about this relationship in the older archives of this blog... I am in such a clear and warm space with regard to this person now... I feel so much love and emptiness and that's a good thing... what great timing.

In my last post I referenced a few ideas that I wanted to post about:

-- I'm over the preschool yearbook. I never have to see that woman again... preschool is done and over. It's funny, a lot of the other parents are really mourning the loss of preschool. I guess I see it as this brilliant period that is only going to get better. I love that my kids are growing up and becoming individuals. I have never mourned the baby years... it seems that's rare for a parent... or maybe it just hasn't hit me yet ;)

-- The Husband and I discussed whether either of us had a safe haven growing up... a set of parents within which to confide our fears and dreams... neither of us did. We wonder how much that stunts our individual relationships with the world and, more importantly, our ability to be married. Did we miss skills or trust that others get and we just don't see it?

-- The Husband and I also talked about friends. Friends... if you've been a long time reader of my blog you know all about my issues surrounding friends. What is interesting is that The Husband has always been immune to the need for friends... or so it has seemed. He's never had any desire or want to invest time in having friends. He's got a couple good friends in far away places that he doesn't see very often but has never put any effort into "hanging out with the boys." Awhile back, before The Daughter was born, maybe when she was still an infant, we did a lot of entertaining and then it all stopped. As I became more and more sleep deprived, lost my mind through it, we stopped making an effort and, I think, to a large degree, narrowed our social circle to nothing. In our long talk The Husband revealed to me that suddenly he's feeling the need for friendship. That perhaps he's never been emotionally stable enough to want to connect with other people and that now he feels that need. I encourage it... I think it would be good for him. I'm not sure how to help him but I suppose just supporting it is enough. What I can do is work on reconnecting with the larger social circle of being a family of four and a married couple. So this week we are going to dinner with another couple whom we've never been out with before. It is good timing... pushing me outside of my own social construct and comfort zone.

Sorry for the disconnect in this posting, not my best effort clearly... but in the writing two children have gotten put to bed, I've looked through my workflow and otherwise ran around doing all the end of the weekend, pre work Monday activitives.

Breathe... inhale... exhale... this moment... this moment, all there is.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:23 PM | Comments (3)

June 9, 2006

CatFight

Not really, just wanted to get your attention (imagine how many combinations of nude and that title I'll get in the keyword search analysis!)... This morning The Daughter graduated from preschool. I don't know if it is the grumpy in me or the anti-Hallmark perspective but preschool graduations have always been a bit silly to me. They just seem so out of place. I can't directly pinpoint why though. I stayed far away from Ms. Preschool Yearbook. She tried to talk to me a few times and I simply made sure she never had an in. She then talked to The Husband who told her it probably wasn't a good idea to talk to me today. Gee he knows me so well!

After the graduation ceremony I did some work on my project and am happy to say I made headway... whoohooo... oh it doesn't really work yet but I can see that there is some logical side of my brain left and I'm finally figuring it out.

The Husband and I had this really long amazing talk. It's funny how sometimes it takes what is possibly the last straw to get you to look at something. I don't know if it is temporary but the talk was truly a first time in marriage kind of talk. It was open and honest and pretty amazing. I even put my wedding ring back on ;)

With the graduation thing starting at 9 I couldn't practice this morning so I thought I'd go tonight but later in the afternoon there was a big Graduation Party at one of the kid's house... the one with the big pool, full park in the backyard complete with putting green and bicycle course. At the party I had a glass of wine, stayed far away from Ms. Preschool Yearbook and then decided to have a piece of cake.... then I told The Husband that he should be the one to go to yoga.

On the one hand, I'm stoked. I mean I really want him to try yoga and like yoga. I feel like something would change drastically between us if he did yoga too although I hate to want that so I try not to. So, when he expressed interest I didn't hesitate to say "No, you go.... I'll practice tomorrow (even though you already know you can't practice tomorrow because The Son has a baseball game and The Daughter has her gymnastics recital)." Said willingly but with internal residue. He went and I took the kids to get the new Where's Waldo book, gave them McDonalds (I suck) and put them in bed before he was home.

After he got home we talked a lot about yoga. It was amazing. He told me how for him yoga is the only time he is in the present moment and that he realizes throughout that he has to just breathe. We talked about how the asanas are one way to stop monkey mind... He told me how he felt like he couldn't do a single pose "right" but how good he feels after. It was really nice to share something together about yoga. Wierd but nice.

I have lots of things to blog about next time I get a second:

-- What it means to have friends, how to get friends, how to lose friends and why we care;
-- Growing up with emotional support: what it means if you do and if you don't? anyone know?
-- Organic cotton: why is it so important?
-- Why preschool yearbooks are a tad overboard.

Lyrics Challenge Answer: Ani DiFranco, Self-Evident

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:16 PM | Comments (4)

June 8, 2006

CartWheelin

Man, I'll tell you. My whole world is literally crashing down around me... everything is messed up, simply everything. Isn't it amazing how one day you are just humming along and the next it's like the sea has spread and some gigantic hole is sucking you down. Or maybe I'm just whacked out of my brain.

Tomorrow is The Daughter's last day of preschool. HOORAY!!!!

This afternoon I went outside to play with the kids. The single largest benefit of working in an office... the fact that when you leave the office, the office is in the office. I feel compelled when I'm at home to work all the time. Now sometimes this is good because I balance it with a lot of time off for things when would otherwise be unacceptable. Other times I find myself taking my shower at 9pm (like tonight) and realizing I barely did anything else but work. I knew I needed to take some time because I was getting frustrated like last week with dealing with undocumented beta code. So I go outside and The Daughter is trying to get me to force her to go to her gymnastics recital tomorrow... I don't know why this is, I've told her a bunch of times "I want you to want to go..." but for some reason she needs me to tell her "Yes, I want you to go." She starts doing routine stuff and we end up doing all this really fun stuff.

I did my first cartwheel since I was 8!! After the first three, I was landing on one hand and bouncing right up into my salute. I even did a round off (but it took me 3 times to understand that the roundoff is not when you bring both feet down together, you must get your legs together and straight while vertical in the air otherwise it doesn't count -- The Daughter was all over me). The Daughter was being "my coach" and walking me through all these things I had to do -- a dropback, a handstand, a cartwheel, a tuck jump, the splits, middle and side... a pancake (Uptavista Konasana)... man I was sweating... it was totally fun... I'm proud that I can be a mom who does that kinda stuff with my kid...

Later I realized how valuable that could be for me... if I feel comfortable doing cartwheels, I can grasp that fear of falling over. Maybe I'd even be able to do donkey kicks (which I can't do).. Anyway, it was super fun.

Lyric's Challenge (B you are not allowed to play because it wouldn't be fair):
cuz i am a poem heeding hyper-distillation
i've got no room for a lie so verbose
i'm looking out over my whole human family
and i'm raising my glass in a toast

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:33 PM | Comments (2)

I Was Up Above It

Last night I met a good friend for dinner up in Encinitas. We ordered a lovely bottle of wine, really nice food and were having a somewhat intimate conversation about our respective marriages. This particular friend and I have no boundaries in our discussions and frequently talk about how we are essentially the same person, one born with an x chromosone, the other not. If we looked anything like each other, I'd swear we were separated at birth. We do the same thing professionally (and think the same way about our profession, our professional reputations and the prospect of the future in this market), like the same music, think the same way and can almost finish each other's sentences. We differ only in the amount of alcohol we each consume, one does yoga and one doesn't (gee can you guess which one?), we have children the same exact ages, same sexes, we've been married the exact same number of years. When you put it all down on paper, it's actually a little frightening. It's like having a twin and you were separated at birth. So we're talking at a table in the corner when suddenly an old friend comes walking up. She had been having dinner alone and heard me from across the restaurant. We had a nice talk and then I started thinking "Uhoh... I wonder what she overhead." It's not that what she overhead could have been horribly uncomfortable for me, it's just that I don't often tell people the things I'm willing to tell this particular friend. We were talking about some pretty heavy duty stuff for awhile, intermixed with work and coding... it made me feel a bit self-conscious actually.

During dinner I got wind of a big huge fiasco brewing with regard to The Daughter's preschool. One of the parents decided to make a 'yearbook' for the kids. I didn't know anything about this yearbook until I was asked to provide a quote for it. I did that. At that point I thought that it was a class project. It turns out this was a project this lady was doing and that each yearbook was going to cost $50. The Daughter is the only child in this class who is not the only child or not the oldest child. I've been through preschool before and I can honestly say a $50 yearbook just isn't worth the money to me. I have bills to pay and that isn't one I'm willing to pay. So we told them no. Then I got an email with a message that today the kids would be "signing the yearbooks." Well this made me a bit mad. If you want to have a yearbook signing, fine, do it at a time when the kids (or sole kid in this case) won't be around. This wasn't a school project. So I went to the teacher and the director of the school and asked when this yearbook signing was going to be. I explained that we weren't prepared to spend $50 on the book and that I would be removing The Daughter from school while it was going on so she wouldn't feel excluded.

Talk about an implosion... this got back to said parent and, of course, she knows it was me... she lit into my husband... she told him I was too busy with work to read my email and be a part of what is going on in school amongst a host of other insults before she apparently simply hung up on The Husband. All this while I was at dinner.

By the time I got home, it had escalated into The Husband basically rolling over and playing dead and allowing her to bully her way into saying that I must have misread because she communicated effectively. This pissed me off. The Husband has never been particularly supportive in extenuating circumstances but I did this fight primarily because I knew he would have huge issues with the $50 and then he just backed off and left me as the bad guy. I was and am pretty angry about it. It's really brought forth every single issue I have and I'm not sure I can let it go this time. The yoga girl in me says breathe and let it go... but there's a huge part of me that is sick and tired of not feeling supported and feels I deserve way better.

We haven't spoken since.

.....

Today I got to play lawyer. I'm glad I'm not a lawyer. Manipulating code is fun, manipulating big contracts is fairly boring. I am in the process of working with one of our lawyers to review and modify a software licensing agreement... and, wow, is all I can say.... wow.

Practice was going to be short and sweet today due to the overhead of work (you know the one that keeps me so busy I don't know what my kids are doing). I took a bunch of Motrin a couple hours before. I did half of first series and my second series poses. Kapotasana... man, I want to find the joy in that pose. Actually I'd just like to breathe in that pose. I stood up from backbends fairly easily today which was not so surprising given how much Motrin I took. My back will probaby lock up and cause me distress when the Motrin wears off. Can one live on Motrin? I'm really glad, however, that Kiran's noon classes are becoming consistent with practitioners. We had 3 people doing Mysore today.

My real practice today will be in having patience and opening my heart to love and peace. Actually, I probably need to find my heart first.

Now I'm down in it.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:28 PM | Comments (5)

June 7, 2006

That's My Mommy

The alarm clock went off at 6am and I thought "Hey, I can practice at 9 why should I get up at the crack of dawn!!" With Tim out of town, it's much easier to slack off. I'm really glad I waited because there were very few people there and not a lot of external energy in the room at all. When there's a lot of people and everyone's energy is mixing together sometimes just the vibe in the room is too much for me. I'm feeling very internal and like a turtle (Supta Kurmasana baby) so having quiet vibe is much appreciated. Speaking of Supta Kurmasana, Rich put me in Dwi Pada and I held it there on my own for five whole breaths. My legs seemed to slip down when I went forward so he put them back but I was able to lift up and out of it on my own too. The hips are finally opening. My lower back has been screaming all week. I feel tight and locked up. I'm not entirely sure why. I venture to guess it is emotional. I was really concentrating on my upward dogs and really holding the driste during each one but I still never felt very loose. In Bhekasana I cried uncle during the adjustment.... Kapotasana I couldn't even breathe. Will there ever come a day when that pose doesn't scare the holy crap out of me? :) I'm saying that in jest but, realistically, man, that pose is a killer... It's very physical and, at the same time, very emotional. It blows your freakin' mind.

Backbending today was almost non-existent. I did 3... couldn't find rhythm... did a 4th, stood... dropped back... couldn't stand.. another backbend... stood... dropped back..thudded back is more like it... and gave up. When Rich came to help me I told him about the assisted dropbacks in L.A. and he helped me by only holding onto my back... It wasn't the same as when James did it but helpful nonetheless. As I was arching back during one Rich told me to feel it through the chest and that's when I had the lightbulb moment.

I can't feel my chest.

All this time people have been telling me lift and push and, well, I just realized I have no idea what that feels like. I have no nerve endings through 75% of my chest and, nope, they aren't coming back. So I really tried to feel what it is I feel. I can feel the implant slide over the muscle (at least that's what I think it is sliding over). I can feel the places where the incisions were stretch. I can feel my sternum lock up and want to "pop" (and it usually does like an hour or so later) but when I try to lift and arch... I really just feel the implants... there's no other feeling there. Where does it hurt, my lower back. Even sitting in a chair and if I try to just arch and lift it's my lower back that I feel it in.

Sometimes I still think to myself "What the hell did I do?" Moreover, I think what an idiot I was or am. I mean, let's face it, my surgery and the recovery has truly been miraculous. I know that Kiran and YC will understand when I say "Sure, miraculous as it compares to what other breast cancer survivors have gone through." I mean, nope, no expanders, no exchange surgery, no muscle donation, no huge scars to speak of... but somehow, somewhere I have forgotten that less than 12 months ago I had my breasts removed and replaced with gummy bears. Don't get me wrong, I remember in every Chatarunga, every handstand, every time I do Pasasana or Mari D... but somehow I just figured "hey, screw it, no excuse." I've always maintained that I'm "closed off" in the front due, mostly, to my childhood but I never stopped to consider that having all those nerve endings and all of my breast tissue removed might, just might, make it a little bit harder for me to ever feel the movements of a backbend. Can you spell idiot?

The Nanny called in with a busted tire on the freeway this afternoon leaving me with kid duty as The Husband is up in OC on business. Kid duty on Wednesdays means The Daughter's gymnastics class where I sit and watch, amazed at her progress, her walkovers, her insane strength for a 5 year old... and then I lust over the equipment and think "Dang, wouldn't a dropback/standup be easy on that bouncy floor?" While waiting for her to finish up, I was talking to two of the teachers (K, C says to say hello... he said you were the best mom ever, always wanting to do silly stuff) and we started talking about yoga... I explained how I lust after the floor... they told me it wouldn't help dropping back standing up and I didn't believe them... they said "Have you ever been on the floor?" When I said no they said COME ON! So they took me out there and I said "Okay I'm gonna try it."

Flip flops removed.. pants hiked up... "Don't hurt yourself!" I drop back... I hear, from across the gym "Hey, what's my mommy doing!?" The Daughter's teacher says " Hey, your mom has a nice backbend!" The Daughter "That's my mommy!" My response, "Yep, you're right, the floor has no give."

In the very least, hey, now I can stop lusting after the floor... now if only they didn't have so much cool equipment there.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:01 PM | Comments (2)

June 6, 2006

It's 4 AM!

You, Mr. 4Am phone caller, know who you are... unfortunately, after the phone rang at such an unGodly hour, I couldn't fall immediately back asleep and when the alarm went off two hours later I must have turned it off, turned over and slept some more. The next thing I knew I was nearly late for my 9am meeting. I was pretty bummed that I didn't make practice. I would have liked that assisted dropback adjustment again. I could feel it in the front of my body this morning. Rad.

Tonight was The Son's Celebration of Writing at school. It was pretty amazing. He read a story that he wrote. He read it clearly, with accuracy, with emotion.. people laughed at the humor. It's so amazing to see your kids sparkling and growing and prospering. We watched a video of their year and one of the things I noted was just how much hands on learning they do. Kids scattered across the floor doing math problems in teams... not the institutionalized, sitting in a desk for 6 hours picture I had of public school. It's a great stereotype crusher.

The Daughter is infatuated with The Son's best friend. She's five. I'm scared.

I have now committed myself to doing a day at Legoland with The Son and his best friend followed by a day at the new American Girl's store with The Daughter and L. That should be interesting... a lesson in patience at the very least.

I am wearing the cutest shirt today from Hard Tail. I am very glad that the Hard Tail store is all the way in Santa Monica.

I think the majority of Ashtangi.NET is finally working again. I had a bunch of email problems earlier on but I think the domain name change has finally gone all the way through. Could this have been anymore of a nightmare? On the plus side, I really dig DotNetNuke. It's very cool.

The Husband and I haven't gone out on date night in forever. Our respective families have apparently gotten tired of being the designated babysitters. We've now asked The Nanny to come one night this weekend... it will cost a fortune just to have The Nanny let alone do anything together. I'm not sure I'm ready for a $6 per hour high school kid though.

Tim is gone all week. Bummer.

I was gonna do a self-practice tomorrow because I still don't feel like being in the energy at the studio but I really need the heat so I suppose I will go regardless. I hope I can find a corner and just keep all my own energy on my own mat.

I realized today that my annual conference is in like 2 months. I believe I'm speaking in two sessions this year... that's a lot of prep work and I haven't even decided what the content will be. I'm totally lagging... Orlando --- any ashtanga?

Inhale... exhale... inhale... keep moving... keep churning through life... keep belief in what you believe... keep with the emptiness... let go of things that don't feel like they serve you... just let go... let go and relax... and exhale.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:17 PM | Comments (2)

June 5, 2006

Broken And Saved

Practice this morning was cool. It's always a bit "wierd" to be in a different studio. I still don't get the moving for finishing. I can totally see that if the studio has a bunch of people waiting their turn in line but when the room isn't even half full and there's still space for 20, why move? It seems like such a distraction in the practice to me. Anyway, I got to backbends and they felt fine but I couldn't find it in me to stand up. James came and asked me and so I stood up.. then I flopped back and then I gave up. It was the perfect thing though because James did this wonderful, wonderful assisted dropback session with me. He stood in front of me and put his hands somewhere in the center of my back... well the part that I'm concave in. He forced me to lift out of the chest and go backwards. It was nice... disconcerting... but nice. His adjustments during the dropbacks and standups was amazingly helpful in helping me to feel it all on my own. I've processed his help all day... it really identified something for me.. not sure what yet but definitely brought my awareness to a place I haven't been before.

My demo bombed. Yep... what worked last night at midnight didn't work this morning at 10:40. My demo was at 11. I didn't get it fixed. I was a bit pissed off as I had worked so freakin' hard on it. As it turned out, I got it working about an hour after the meeting, walked down the hallway and did the demo on the fly. It went pretty well actually.

Tonight I went to The Most Dangerous Store on Earth. The Hard Tail store in Santa Monica. Oh no... seriously Oh No.

Then I ate horrible food (even french fries) at the hotel... ugh...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:17 PM | Comments (2)

June 4, 2006

Treo Surfing

Good God I've had the most crappy weekend. Just to give you a small indication, last night when I blogged, I blogged to my professional blog. My stress level has been through the roof. Wouldn't a job at Jimbos be cooler than this? I mean, no, I realize my brain needs this type of exercise, it's why I don't think I'd want to do a management track and get away from actually writing code. I realize that's pretty much "the only place left to go" so to speak, at least in law, but I think I've hit the climax of what I'd like to do. The ladder only goes this high. It's just that sometimes, my brain is going so many directions, has so much shit in it that I just can't get off the merry go round. That's how my weekend has been.

I raised my hands in triumph when I finally got something demo'able working on my POC tomorrow. I feel like a stupid ass. Actually I think it's somewhat beta code too. Anyway, I went to first series this morning though I debated it. I wasn't in the space to do yoga with a group of people and, in particular, the group of people at the studio. I ended up actually rolling up my mat and leaving during finishing. I willed myself through to that point and them simply didn't want to deal with it anymore so I laid in savasana for a couple minutes, rolled up my mat and bailed. It wasn't really that anything physical was going on differently than usual. Until I got to backbends and I simply couldn't find a peaceful backbend. I couldn't even get close to standing up. I realized then just how much emotional crap we store in our bodies. Well remembered is a better word.

We also went to the beach this afternoon. It was overcast and cold but really hot and sunny just a mile and a half inland. I sat with a towel wrapped around me and read a book. Then I drove to L.A. and here I sit in a hotel... which I Pricelined 4 hours ago. I walked into the room and noted it was an absolute closet. Then I opened the bathroom door and the bathroom is like the same size as the actual room. I'm pretty picky about hotels and this one is pretty lousy. It's loud, really loud. The comforter is clearly dirty (with smudge marks all over it), when I walked in the room was literally as cold as a freezer, the phones don't work, not one of the 3 phones in this room actually works and there is no remote control AND there's not even wireless. But to top it off, you have to bring your own network cable... how stupid is that.

When do you think hotels will figure out that if you have to be in a hotel room, you're not going to sit at a desk to work... nope, you want to sit on the bed and kick back. Actually a lot of Westin's have figured this out. Given that I don't carry my own network cable (God remember when you had to do that!?) and there's not even a unsecured wifi around, I'm surfing on the Treo. Slow... but I'm sitting on the hotel bed regardless.

Am going to make practice in Silverlake tomorrow morning... hopefully my aura will improve by then...

(p.s. I know a couple blogs at Ashtangi.NET are not updating properly. I haven't been able to troubleshoot why yet. I believe it has something to do with the domain name change and/or the RSS interpreter with atom files - which is why Tiff's blog isn't updating I think. Also I am going to try to put back the functioniality that the main "link" goes to the blog's home page and the "Read More" link goes directly to the individual post. I've been really creamed at work so hobby programming has had to wait... I'm just happy that the site is back up and running and the domain name is pointing correctly again... There may still be a residual issue with the mailbox handover but I'm working on that too).

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:50 PM | Comments (2)

June 3, 2006

So Good To Be Wanted

I skipped practice yesterday. Truth be told my body feels like a bent twig in a bow, held way too tight. I'm sore... The Husband says to me "Why are you always so sore?" I don't know.. why am I always so sore. I do so much yoga you'd think I wouldn't be sore. My theory in conversation with him is that I just push my body to it's limit daily and that makes for soreness. Anyway, I skipped practice....

and as the day went on I got more and more despondent. At points I wanted to lay my head down on my desk and simply burst into tears. Nothing was going right for me. I can't figure out my project at work... people were letting me down right and left... web problems were continuing to be the bane of my existence... UGH. By the time 5pm rolled around I just had had enough. I actually sent an email to my boss basically telling him I had given up... I've never given up before. Never.

For the first time in a long time I had no desire to walk around stretching this way and that. I've had this feeling lately that my practice is becoming more internal..something I show up and do but that's it... Perhaps that will come to fruition, perhaps its part of the journey, perhaps it's part of the maturity of a practice that has nothing to do with what pose you are on or where you think you want to go next. Perhaps it's part of just being a 36 year old woman with a family, a husband, a best friend, a mother... a sister... a niece... life... it isn't just about me.

So when it came down to time to leave for a business/social event downtown I was in a good mood to just party all night... except I had to drive and so I knew I wouldn't. As it turned out we started off at a bar with a bunch of people from Big Huge Huge Law Firm. They all had a fairly good start on me by the time we got down there which made for lots of entertainment. Then we went and had really really yummy sushi at Ra. They basically ordered 4 of everything and it was really really good. I had one beer and a half a glass of wine all night :) Over dinner I was courted and questioned, am I happy, what do I want in my career, would I entertain this or that... it's interesting to be so "in demand." Half of me thinks "Holy crap one day these people are going to realize I'm completely full of shit and have no idea what I'm talking about." The other half respects the time and energy and choices I've made to get to this point in my career and feels somewhat validated for all the choices I've made over the years that sometimes I made out on a limb.

Last night one of the managers at said Big Huge Huge Firm was talking to me and I realized I was really going outside the traditional boundaries of normal conversation... fortunately, he was a similar personality type and didn't care... but it also got me thinking about people in my life lately and how the only person I know of besides my husband whom I don't have to listen to bullshit from is my best friend. Over the years, he's the only person who consistently says what he means, how he means it and there isn't this crappy crappy bullshit that goes on. I hate that bullshit... it's why I'll never be a social networking butterfly. I don't have it in me.

Which brings me to the tickets I got yesterday for NIN and Bauhaus.... center stage about 20 rows in I think... I've got 4 tickets... I'm taking the best friend for his birthday, I think The Husband is coming... we're waiting to figure out who #4 is for... It should be a great show and plenty of fun.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:48 PM | Comments (2)

June 1, 2006

Well, Sorta

Hello, there, welcome to the new Ashtangi.NET. Well, yes, technically you don't actually see Ashtangi.NET the domain name anywhere but my defunct webhost is still defunct and The Internet Powers That Be, well, I'm having a hard time convincing them to reroute the domain name... so, I registered a new one and pointed everything via it for the time being... at least all the blogs work and the data is all intact. At least.

I'm tired of dealing with defunct webhost issues.. in fact, I'm tired of this whole thing we call technology altogether. I love what I do, really I do... but, man, I'm just working too many hours. Life should be more fun than work and, right now, I work more than I have fun. I have this good friend. He recently went from doing what I do to doing something more along the lines of "administrative" or "technical admin" stuff. I'm not talking developer to administrator but developer to someone who has a small niche and is basically the big gun for hire. As a result, said friend is working less (not so many deadlines you know) and loving life more. Part of me thinks that's what I need to do and the other part is scared, if I did it, someone would figure out I'm really just a big huge idiot who has managed to write shitty code and get away with it. Ego-check time.

I had been telling this attorney that I work with about Ashtanga. I don't really know him at all but he seems like a really sweet guy and I see him all the time at the health food store. Last week Kiran emailed me and told me he showed up at class... he told me he enjoyed it and was going to go back today so I told him I'd join him there. I start my practice a half hour before class does so I was surprised when I "came to" in Utthita Hasta and saw him there. I did, however, feel a bit intimidated, well, because I work with the guy and there I was wearing tights, a tank top... all sweaty (I've basically stopped wearing makeup now that I'm not in the office anymore), hair a mess... I started to rethink this Ashtanga Recruiting gig I have going on (kidding)... in fact, I started to think which is not good on the mat. It reminded me of being in high school in gym class and being worried about what I look like, who was watching and where the cute guys were. By Warrior 2 I decided I just couldn't let it get to me, that I'd conquer it... and I think I did... well except in Kapotasna when Kiran cranked me (which feels good but is terrifyingly scary) and I grunted and groaned like a stuck pig. I can picture the lawyer talk in the next all staff meeting "Yea, that Julie girl, she's a little freaky man... grunting and groaning like she couldn't lift a twig." Ego-check #2.

I did manage a bunch of dropbacks and standups today. I asked Kiran about the extra breath in the dropback and she told me no-no. I did it anyway because it is really helping me to feel the pause and effort when dropping back. I hate to bring on yet another crutch but it seems like a relatively good one for me... or this could be Ego Check #2.5.

With the last two weeks of school, things are crazy. Not to mention that I have a proof of concept sitting here waiting for me that is due Monday, that I have no idea how to do... how's that for being a shitty programmer. Granted it's beta software and there is literally no documentation. In fact the SDK for the project isn't even released yet but I'm sure my boss could careless about that. He hired a star developer and he should get one. Damn, what was I thinking. Ego Check #3.

All the other parents of the preschoolers are getting all sappy "Oh it's the last two weeks of preschool, aren't you sad?" No, I'm not actually. I'm tired of preschool. I'm tired of the premise that you are supposed to be friends with the other parents. I'm so happy that The Daughter is going to be in kindergarten. I'm ready for the next stage(s) of life.... I'm ready. Bring It On.

The Husband and I both appear to be going through mid-life crisis at the moment. His is more around being a good provider and mine is more around being emotionally lonely. Makes for long talks, little headway and a lot of ego-checking....

Ego Checking... a daily bite to take.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:26 PM | Comments (2)