facing inward

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May 31, 2006

Web Hell

That's where I've been since Friday night when I first noticed something was going funky with Ashtangi.NET's servers. First it was just the mail server, then it was the subdomain for blogs, then it was the SQL server, then the mySQL server... the in progression the entire site just collapsed. Moreover, the entire site for the lame ass webhost collapsed too.

Saturday morning - still down. Saturday momentarily things came back up.. then down again... finally I started searching the Internet and found a thread with some other unhappy customers reporting the same outage... Sunday... still down, I've given up... obtained services with a new webhost and put together an entirely new site. I figured I might as well learn something in the process so I ported Ashtangi.NET over to a DotNetNuke site. I'm a true techie geek head and not ashamed to admit it.

Monday - a holiday -- don't figure we'll see anything from the now non-existent webhost. I check the thread of unhappy customers... more and more start coming out of the woodwork.. People who have built their entire business using this host's services, completely shutdown. I feel thankful that Ashtangi.NET is small and community based and, essentially, for lack of a better word, a hobby. No email, no status on their control panel or home page.... Finally the details start to become clear with Internet sleuthing. Their WHOIS record shows they are out of business, their SSL certificate is expired and a new one shows up if you try to ping the control panel... the new one is in a different company's name.

Tuesday... frustration on top of frustrations..while I have the whole of Ashtangi.NET now ported (thanks to a suddenly reappearing webhost), the webhost has locked down my domain name rendering me effectively helpless to move the domain over to the new server. Said suddenly reappearing host does not answer telephone, emails or any posts from any of the disgruntled customers.

Wednesday... more phone calls... this time to the new company now listed on my WHOIS record... I don't even know who they are. The new webhost can't help. Finally I'm told that I must continue to attempt to contact said defunct webhost and request them to unlock the domain... then I can transfer it. I finally bitch and moan enough that I send a formality email and the new WHOIS registrar unlocks the domain. As we stand right now, I am still waiting for the "registrar of record" (and who knows if that is the new WHOIS registrar or the defunct webhost) to approve the transfer. I'm about to tear my hair out by now. I wonder why I chose to work in this field... oh yea, I love it.

This whole thing has cost me so much time and money it isn't funny. I am fairly certain we won't see any assistance financially or otherwise from the defunct but apparently resold webhost (um, I hate to tell you new management but I think you've effectively lost all of your business and if there's some idiot customer who continues with your services, man, I wish you the best of luck). But here I am ... still waiting... and letting go of attachment ;) just kidding... well sorta.

As for what else has been going on...

We spent the afternoon at the beach on Sunday... it was so amazingly lovely. The weather was perfect. The Daughter had a playdate and I got to talk to said playdate's parent for awhile. We brought some food and drinks and literally just hung out all afternoon. We had The Husband's family over for a BBQ on Monday... all in all a pretty mellow weekend though I spent way too much time in front of the computer... not only for Ashtangi.NET but this huge project at work that I don't know how to do.

As for practice... practice is practice. My teacher has started doing Dwi Pada with me before Supta K now which I love. My left leg stays behind my head on it's own now... I think this is a result of putting more energy into Mari A. Tonight I practiced outside in the sun at the club. It started out good but the day was so beautiful that suddenly there were a bazillion people there and since I was on the patio, everyone could see me. I heard a variety of things:

"Wow, that's just wierd" from a young boy.

"Honey, is that yoga?" response "No I think that's stretching." "No I think she's doing yoga... she just did that really wierd pose that you always try at home and can't do." (said pose was Bakasana -- I had the BEST HIGHEST MOST AMAZING bakasana today.. I had so much concentration and my feet were all the way up, I just wanted to hang out there) Then the man replies "Yea I guess she is doing yoga." turns to his child and says "See, that's yoga, that's what daddy does."

"Did you see that lady - she has her leg behind her head..look honey, it's like the circus."

The last time I practiced out on the patio it was so relaxing and private and nice... with all these people and comments I just couldn't go on, it didn't feel right and turned out to be about the physical. I decided to just wrap it up with backbends... and they felt so lovely I did like 10 or so... standing up, dropping back. When dropping back I'm really concentrating on the pause... going over and then slowly slowly dropping back. I've discovered that what I was doing was holding my breath. I don't think you can exhale that slowly so I think you must have to breathe while dropping back... now I can take one breath, hang out during the inhale and then drop back. One of my dropbacks was simply amazing. I stopped counting after 6 but I just kept doing them until I flat out couldn't stand up anymore. Of course, dropping back and stnading up is way easier at 6pm at night in 75 degree heat...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:59 PM

May 30, 2006

Just A Test 1, 2, 3

Well, I finally got all of the blogs ported over to the new host running on DotNetNuke.. let's see if this posts since the domain is messed up.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:47 PM

May 28, 2006

A World Without Blogging

The webhost for Ashtangi.NET has had some serious issues over this weekend... with parts of Ashtangi.NET down, others working then a complete failure on all ends includng the webhost's front end. This has made me nervous and I'm contemplating moving the whole site to another webhost. That effort is extremely huge and so I have to figure out what all is involved. Ashtangi.NET has grown by leaps and bounds. I've sorta given up on adding articles and whatnot... I add what people send me. I simply don't have the time for anything greater than that. Ashtangi.NET itself hosts about half the blogs on the blogroll with the others being Blogger or some other hosted blog solution. It's a huge responsibility to have people's writings out on the Net and you are responsible for the maintenance of the space and, frankly, the blogs are enough for me right now. It's a "resource" that has grown and that people really seem to enjoy and I'm glad for that... it was my original purpose, to bring together Ashtana Bloggers. I admit to having some panic moments yesterday thinking that everything had been wiped out (which happened once before). I am making backups of everything as I type! :)

I had so many insights to write in my blog over the past days of the site being down. I can't now remember what they all were. I have this thing I do where I store up my blog post usually until evening and then I sorta do an inventory of my day... I think back through all the things that happened either on the mat or off and I think of the ways I didn't explore them while I was part of it... how I couldn't be the witness and I try to do it after the fact. From there I usually find something I want to explore further in the depths of the chaos in my mind.

We did watch two movies this weekend. Winter Passing which I would recommend, a really great little flick. Last night we watched Thumbsucker which was a twisted little movie about a teenager who still sucks his thumb.

I have also decided that Gregor's book may be one of the best references I've ever read for Ashtanga Yoga. Or, rather, it is a timely book for me... I needed to read about all this stuff. For example, I've taken Marichi for granted. I've given no depth and soul over to the 4 primary Marichi poses. I've never had to. When you can bind in Mari D in your first yoga class, there isn't a lot of work that you'll get pushed into without your own internal discipline and, given all the other challenges in my practice, at least, it has been super easy to really avoid doing anything above and beyond here. I haven't practiced in two days with the moon day and all but last night I did do Mari A and B and I mean do them. I concentrated my energy not on the bind or the straight leg which is where I think, in the past, I've put most of my energy, but in the hip on the bent leg.... really engaging whatever those muscles are ;) In the book Gregor talks about how Mari A is a gift... and how it is a handicapped forward bend. This book is timely because, within all of the technical talk, there are absolutely perfect for me statements such as "The tendency here is to avoid taking weight into the bent leg, but to be propelled instead over onto the straight leg." He goes on to talk about the defeat of the posture with this tendency and ends on this line "The handicap becomes the gift." I can now see how Mari A and B are the preparation for Eka Padas..... this is where the work is... right here... in the series as laid out by Guruji... there is no need to practice anything else. Did you know that Marichi is said to have become one of the stars of the constellation Ursa Major -- a new way to look at the skies.

The Daughter broke out with this yesterday and demanded a picture:

What gives me the most pride in this picture is that this was not natural for her. She has been working and working on her lotus posture and taking great pride as she's eventually been able to "get it" -- while her front is very open, her hips are not and I'm stunned (and elated) at her discipline and desire to work with her body. I can't imagine having such body awareness at the age of 5. I've ignored my body and hid behind my low self-esteem (I didn't say that was better just that I'm not trying to hide behind it anymore) my entire life. Granted I have some really great defensive reasoning for this, in fact, I probably have the best reasoning in the world for this; however, the reasons are only excuses for me and the faster I let those go (yes I realize I'm 36), the more "whole" I become.

I feel a wonderful excitement for primary series this morning... reverence almost.

I had a credit at Neiman Marcus yesterday... so I finally splurged on this hat I've been wanting for a couple years. It's a Helen Kaminski hat... totally yuppie wear but it fits perfect and will block out the sun.. I got it in black...

Off to get ready for practice...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:47 AM | Comments (4)

May 25, 2006

The Studio

It felt so nice to be back home today.... home in the studio... it's fun to travel and practice with other teachers and I really love the space in Seattle but the magic of being in my own shala is divine... I love the energy and the people. Practice itself is a distant memory really... I tried a bit today to focus on what the muscles are doing but, quite frankly, I have no idea. I can't name my muscles except for those everyone knows like the bicep and the tricep and, moreover, I have no idea what is engaged when. I suppose this is why I should never be a yoga teacher. In a way I'm really glad to be so ignorant... I'm afraid with my personality type I'd become too obsessive about muscles and whatnot.

So, practice... ah... practice... let's see what I can remember... I got a lovely adjustment in Mari D again today.... I even got a pat on the back over it though I'm not sure what the pat was meant to say... My grunt interpretation skills are still sorely lacking... today Supta Kurmasana was like an angel sent from heaven... there it was... Dwi Pada -- no problem... my legs stayed there on their own, I wasn't fighting with my calves or quads and I wasn't really trying to keep my legs there, they just were there.... I managed to come up back to Dwi Pada on my own and move into Titthibasana, back into Bakasana but I still can't do the jump back from there. I am fairly sure this is a pec issue -- mine simply aren't ready to take on that kind of weight. Never fear, strength is coming back... someday I will be like a whole and normal person again and memories of this damned surgery and recovery will be even more distant than I remember them now. I had a lovely Pasasana today... though I admit to really liking Kiran's adjustment the best..she sorta pushes down on the side while twisting you and it really helps me to pull the twist from further down my spine. I did Bhekasana and then had to ask for an adjustment... I don't normally ask for adjustments but, let's face it, the remainder of my second series practice is greatly enhanced if I get that full lift in Bhekasana and it's simply something I can't do for myself, I can't push and pull at the same time.

I really tried in Ustrasana to lift through my chest... I'm so closed down and I realize this... but if you think about all the pain and agony filled in my chest over the years, well, I have compassion for myself in this regard... it will work out... it will come... just a lot more slowly than anything else I've had to work through. Laghu Vajrasana... I did in my own cheat way. This means that I'm doing the pose correctly but I'm not letting my head rest on the floor, I can feel the floor but I'm still maintaining my weight in the quads rather than coming down flat on my head... hold.. .lift... I can do this. As I came up, OKRGR walks over and says "I thought that was hard for you?" I wanted to stammer and say "It is (actually I think I did say that), I suck at it, what are you talking about..." but instead I thought...mhmmm... how nice of him to say something. Kapotasana... oh kapotasana... if you are new to my blog and don't know what kapotasna is... this is kapotasana -- mind you mine doesn't look like that... I think mine looks more like this. So, I see R, the assistant, standing in front of me, go over, walk my fingers into my toes, I feel him get under me, start the adjustment and then I see Kiran's toes... and I feel her put what I think was the front of her toes on my arms and I utter "Holy Shit" out loud... and then I decide to stop fighting and give myself over to this double adjustment... and I liked it... can I have that everyday please? I've decided my kapotasana would be easier and less scary if I could figure out how to breathe in it. Kapotasana is not breath retention.

The best moment happened in yoga today.... I was waiting for that adjustment in Bhekasana when I see a regular reader of mine (SHOUT OUT TO YOU DUDE!!!!) stand up from a backbend. The look on his face was priceless. I think it was completely unexpected for him... his face was this light of amazement, pride and honor. Tim turned to him and got a big huge smile... it was so lovely to see Tim in this light... a true moment. I know that my friend the reader will honor and treasure that moment for a very long time but I want to credit it for him too... it was a wonderful moment full of bliss.

As for my own backbends... well... they were just okay... my back hasn't been feeling very open since I got sick and I battled congestion throughout my practice today. I did manage to stand up a few times but my heels were out (bad lady!)... I did a few uncontrolled and thudding dropbacks before Tim said "I've seen enough."

I think The Daughter is ready to read... She read the word dot today... was very proud of herself. I've decided we have to start having more concrete family things -- Sunday dinners with the extended family, afternoons at the grandparents... I have no idea how to pull this off will all the stuff going on but it's something that feels right nonetheless.

The Husband surprised me and told me he had wanted to do the first series class tomorrow night at the club but isn't sure he can because he had a mole removed today (well more than just a mole, long story). I don't know how to feel about that. Of course, I'm elated that he wants to go again... of course. In fact, that is how I feel. I would so love to share this journey with him. Wouldn't that be amazing.

A parent took some pictures last Friday while I was teaching:

Assisting with a backbend.. this is his second full wheel ever....

The infamous and much beloved "Dhanurasana swing" -- this is The Daughter and I setting up....

Lined up for the Dhanurasana Swing... they love this!

Backbend partners --- most of the little girls do their own backbends and I help the boys... this little boy's mother is a yoga teacher and he really likes backbends... he especially likes dropbacks.

The Daughter waiting her turn... poor thing is always demonstrating and then waiting...

The best moment..savasana..floating on their clouds..these two little ones, eyes closed, sharing energy...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:34 PM | Comments (5)

Balance Beam

... and so the table turns... the fine line of work and life. Bright and sunny before 7 everyday... I always leave everyday, sometime in the day for a couple hours it seems... either yoga or a meeting or whatever. Today was my mother's retirement ceremony which The Daughter came with me to. Then I find myself and it's 10pm and I'm still working. It's the back and forth on the tight rope until you get the gist down, the groove, the balance, the back flip on the balance beam.

I decided today that I'm not graceful enough to practice second series. I'm too flonkey and flustered and weak and just plain ungraceful :) I am saying that in all gest really but I definitely feel a little clueless about "working" on where I am right now. I am purely putting my faith in the idea that if I just keep practicing, all is coming. I don't really know what all is right now and I don't really care but it is all there... I never really think about what muscles are involved in what poses and all that physical stuff. I've been reading the Practice & Philosophy book and so I've been thinking about it. I am finding myself, however, resistant. I'm not sure I want my practice to involve anything other than feeling. I'm always trying not to think and I am not ready to let go of not thinking. I think a lot about the practice physically later but not while I'm practicing and I don't think I want to. As a result, I still have no idea where my various muscles are the romitous and psoas and latissimus dorsi (okay, well I do know that one but only because they were originally gonna detach the whole thing from my back, wrap it around my front and make a breast out of it -- holy crap!). One day I plan to read up on this but for right now ignorance is bliss.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:08 AM

May 23, 2006

Lost

I realized today that all the attention to the way I used to be is drawing me to think about how out of control I feel. It's really hard to try moderation. I mean, let's face it, it's much easier to be black & white: My kids would not have plastic, chemicals, candy, sugar, etc. This was all much easier when they were little and had no independence whatsoever. I'm finding that now the fine balance of allowing choices other than those I'd make for my children for the sake of nurturing said independence is really really difficult. Whereas I used to always know what was under me on the tight rope, I no longer am sure what side I'm sorta leaning towards... it's not that my beliefs have changed and more that I've let my beliefs subside for what I believe is moderation... I'm just not sure it's not really a good excuse for being lazy.

I am hoping for yoga tomorrow though we'll see what my head says.

On the train ride home, I put the iPod on, the sunglasses and turned my face to the sun, it was shining so so bright and felt so amazing especially considering that this morning it was raining so hard it woke us up at 4am. I ended up dozing off for a bit which is so unlike me. Vitamin D, does a girl good.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:01 AM | Comments (5)

May 22, 2006

God's Message

I was in L.A. today for my bi-monthly office visit. I was trying to make an early train because, quite frankly, I still feel like shit and can barely breathe. Man, how long can this hang on? I didn't make the 12:30 or the 2 or the 3... but I got in the cab with enough time to make the 4pm train... as I exited the train at Union Station, the driver handed me a receipt, took my money and then said "I have a gift for you... it's very important." He hands me a pamphlet... the same born again, you are a sinnger, "Where will you spend eternity" pamphlet that I found in my laptop sleeve the other day.... hello? God... if you're listening, I don't need this kind of attention, I'm quite content, thank you. If there's some message you need to send, it probably isn't going to get through with brute force tactics. Thank you.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:00 PM | Comments (2)

No Religious Preference

Last night I turned on HBO for The Husband. He likes to watch The Sopranos and we only have cable in our bedroom so I had it all turned on and ready for him at 9pm while I flipped through the new Wired issue. When I turned it on, the tail end of some sort of medical show about the military in Baghdad was on... sorta a reality ER military style. I was only catching the tail end but apparentyl a Marine was dying, they showed some moving footage of the doctor trying to encourage the Marine to hang out and then after he passed away, the doctor asking the chaplain about religious preference (apparently to determine what they should be doing for the Marine). The chaplain replied that the Marine had listed "No Religious Preference" and that, therefore, there would be no last rites; however, he then put on his chaplain robe and the room proceeded to "pray" for the Marine. The prayer, however, was not generic. They brought in the Christian God to the prayer, The Father, The Son, The Holy Spirit... and it left me wondering... no religious preference -- what does that mean? The Marine had clearly identified that he had no preference so does that mean he is leaving his preference up to whomever happens to be in the room? What if the people in the room were Jewish, would he have had a Jewish prayer? What if they were Hindu or Muslim or something else? I guess I found it sorta, mhmmm.... disconcerting, that there was no hesitation on the part of the chaplain to do a Christian "prayer" for the man's soul... what if he had said Buddhism, would they still have done the Christian thing? They probably don't have any extra monks laying around. I dont' know... it's not like I would be opposed to someone standing over me after I'm dead saying a prayer to their God but it did leave me wondering about the supposed wishes of the dead and what's respectful and appropriate. Clearly I haven't worked out how I feel about it but it did get me thinking nonetheless.

I'm on the train to L.A.... congested and miserable... another hour to go... some attorney in the seat next to me... I'm sure she loves all the sniffling and coughing.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:54 AM | Comments (2)

May 21, 2006

Smores

We took off yesterday and drove to the family camput... 3 Nations all in one campground (for those of you non suburban parents, each nation has multiple tribes which means there were like 1000 people or something)... Most of the people there are all people in my neighborhood but I've never met any of them. All with their own life story and stuff. I always feel somewhat on the outside in these circles. Always the crazy one "Last time I saw you you weren't eating any cooked food!" or "Oh, you're letting your kids eat that..WOW..." following be a small question mark that I Used to be so "good" about that stuff. Whatever that means. I never feel like anyone is actually asking me "Hey hows it going in your lives?" like I hear them with each other, who's kid is going to what class, baseball, etc. To me it's always "let's identify all the ways I'm "different" than you are." It's a wierd feeling. I sometimes think that is how I've gotten to this point... where I've totally found myself actually taking NyQuil. If you didn't know me 7 years ago, that would absolutely NEVER have happened... I used to eat freakin' cloves of raw garlic if I felt sick... whole raw cloves. This campout I got asked about yoga a few times. It's always wierd to get asked about yoga in those situations. Not like I don't talk about yoga all the time but I always feel like I have to sorta censor my passion about it because, well, I already got the wierd designation, might as well just complete it. I'm the girl that my husband and I always point out as "You know the one that is just out there." Let's face it, we're no different in our judgments, it's just hard to be so confronted with them if you know what I mean. Lots of think about there.

The kids had a blast and I'm happy to have toughed out The Cold (which seems to be going nowhere). The Daughter is going to be so happy when she starts Indian Princesses. We had the conversation on the trip about how The Son has just one more year. He is so excited because The Husband has agreed to be chief of the tribe... yes, I am the chief's wife. The Son had to get up on stage and agree to withhold the 6 Aims (moms, we all already know about the 7th aim, we'll just pretend it's cool with us) with his father.. there was a passing of the rainstick. I actually got teary. When we were telling The Daughter that after next hear, The Husband and she will start Indian Princesses and they'll have four years of campouts. Whereas The Son never had to "wait out" being old enough for something, as the second child, The Daughter is always waiting something out "to be old enough." It starts to make sense the different personality types of sibling ranking.

I really really like the YMCA program. I know it isn't called Indian Gudies anymore but that's what we call it. Picture a group of families camping together. Usually just dads and sons... the moms pull in and we immediately see all the things we'd "never allow" and we get to check ourselves, find our peace on the manly turf... it's fun. But more than personally, it is amazing to watch the kids.. the girls went down to the creek and collected tadpoles. The boys caught frogs, caught a fish with their bare hands... That idylllic...

L.A. tomorrow... my hamstrings may split in half and I fought every urging itch to stretch this way or that at the campout (you know, the self consciousness). I hope some of the congestion is gone tomorrow; otherwise the train is gonna be *real* fun.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:05 PM | Comments (5)

May 20, 2006

Home Sweet Home

The flight home was a mixture of pure agony (congestion doesn't get any better at 36,000 feet my friends) and eagerness... just to be home, in my space, to take care of myself (okay pity myself) in my own way. In the end, I ended up passing out on the couch until the doorbell rang and the guys to hook up my office back to technical reality brought me back to real life.... real life.

In interesting news of today.... the children were taken to Chuck E. Cheese as a belated birthday present from my sister. As a result, The Husband and I had the evening off but I've been too sick to really contemplate actually doing anything so we chose (okay I chose) to go to yoga. Kiran was subbing the first series class at the health club and The Husband came with me. I was a bit worried given his previous mixed reviews of yoga... and decided I would just concentrate on my practice, use drishte and not worry about what he was doing. I was a bit off -- weak and tired.. and my back was hurting... but I had a nice practice nonetheless. After The Husband told me that he liked that class a lot better than the others he took. I asked him why and he couldn't pinpoint it but he actually has been talking about taking it again. He's asked when the full first series is taught and talked about how he could swing doing it... interesting. He also told me he was surprised at my arm strength (I think seeing me do a full Tittibhasana surprised him).

Indian Guides family campout is tomorrow... hopefully my head will cooperate and I can be a reasonably good mother for the weekend. No yoga until Tuesday... at least not asana... as we all know.. it's all yoga.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:14 AM | Comments (3)

May 19, 2006

Praction What You Preach

I slept in today... I woke up in The Heavenly Bed at 8:30ish and thought "I feel good!" Then I got up... then the congestion came back... then it dribbled down into my chest... and then I spent the rest of the day willing myself not to sneeze or cough during sessions.

I laid out my mat this evening... said the invocation, leaned over into Uttanasana and then stood up, rolled up my mat and came back to my room. If my head didn't explode on that one Uttanasana, it surely would have with another one. Two days off... that sucks.

I then discovered that my flight tomorrow gets in at a really bad time or, actually, an unacceptable time as there would be no way for The Husband to come and get me within an hour or two of my flight so I changed it. I originally scheduled it with the idea that I could get up and practice at David's, take a quick shower at the studio and run to the airport but, realistically, I'm not gonna be any better at 5:30 tomorrow morning than I am right now and even if I were, I'd be selfish to inconvenience my family just for yoga (not like I don't do that all the time anyway). So, I leave first thing in the morning... which found me in my room packing up ....

As I was packing my stuff up, I was going through the bag I use to carry my laptop around in... when I discovered, in my laptop sleeve, a "Where Will You Spend Eternity" pamphlet... basically a born again, you are a sinner, you need to find the Christian God to be saved. I pulled it out and immediately felt violated. As I processed why I would feel that way I discovered it isn't that someone was pushing their God on me, it's that the bag I had my laptop sleeve in is very deep... and hte laptop sleeve is not prominent in it... in fact, you'd have to be trying to find somewhere to slip such a pamphlet in my bag and therefore the laptop sleeve.. this means someone actually was inside of my bag and this pisses me off. If you want to preach your God, damn me to hell, convince me to look at my beliefs, fine, hand me the pamphlet... but don't go into my personal belongings... I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't do that.

Moreover, I am trying to imagine where my bag was outside of my reach and personal space for long enough that someone could have slipped something into the sleeve without my noticing. I've carried it on the airplane, on my person the whole time, under the seat in front of me... and I've carried it around the conference for the last 4 days, occasionally putting it down under the chair, sometimes on the chair next to me but usually within my reach and eyesight (afterall it has my laptop and wallet in it).

Funny, if they had actually looked in the sleeve they would have seen that I carry the Hanuman postcard Mr. & Mrs. Neti sent me in that sleeve...

Sita Ram Hanuman
Jai Jai Ram

buddhina tanu janike sumiraun pavana kumara,
bala buddhi vidya dehu mohin, harau klesa vikara

As I know I am an ignorant fool,
I meditate on the Son of Wind, Hanuman,
and pray him to give me strength, wisdom and knowledge,
purifying me from all defects and bad things.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:33 AM | Comments (2)

May 18, 2006

Kapotasana Schmapotasana

Care to hear me bitch and moan some more about how sick I am... I'm sick. I haven't been this sick in a long time. I've decided it is divine intervention (or divine humor, take your pick). I swore that this conference would be different from the last, more yoga, less drinking... I haven't had any alcohol (or cheese... or even the yummy yummy chocolate fondue at Cirque tonight -- well it looked yummy) and I have done a lot more yoga so God wins... even if I'm a sniffling, stuffy head, miserable mess. I've taken more drugs in the past 24 hours than I care to even know what they actually do to me (NyQuil, DayQuil and Robitussin DM because the DayQuil doesn't really work I don't think)... what I haven't done is eat or drink water... I'm probably so dehydrated but I'm eyeing the $6 bottle of hotel water and thinking I just can't crack it open... so I sit here and wither. Today I've had a soy mocha from Whole Foods, some red lentils, a potatoe samosa and a vitamin water... and 5-8 bites of iceburg lettuce with 3 little shrimps on it. I probably could have eaten this afternoon after I took a lengthy nap but instead I threw on some shorts(!) and went to the pool area for yoga. I made it through sun salutations, standing, a few forward bends... Ustrasana... 3 backbends... and then I flailed miserably trying to stand up and called it a day... the congestion was worse and my head was all fuzzy from the drugs I couldn't hold a drishte to save my life not to mention that when I looked up I was pretty sure the ceiling was moving.

But Cirque Du Soleil was good... I was in the 9th row which meant I could literally see their faces and, more importantly, their muscles at work. Geez... some of those human beings have no skeletal system!! None, it can't possibly exist. I didn't detect any noticeable deep breathing, not even the girl who makes kapotasana look like child's play (well kapotasana really is child's play but that's a different story). What do you think they do to warm up before going out on stage? There are two brothers who do this rope act that is incredible... halfway because they literally wear a loin cloth and, man, do they have some serious muscles on them... just to watch each one engaged (and if I was retaining more of Gregor Maehle's new book I could probably name the muscles)... it was pretty amazing... but I'm sure you all already knew that. I caught myself mouth wide open shaking my head in disbelief a few times... I can only imagine the concentration that goes into such feats. On the other hand, they make it look absolutely simple.... as some advanced practitioners I know.

Tomorrow is the last day of the conference... the sessions don't start until 10:30 and I was really hoping to drive in and practice with David at 7am (instead of 5:30 which would be cool as heck)... I can't breathe... and I don't want to bring my germs into the studio :( I can't decide what to do... perhaps I'll just setup in the pool area again... my little divine corner.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:33 AM | Comments (4)

May 17, 2006

Yoga Chikitsa

I don't know what I was thinking setting the alarm clock for 5am. I guess it was really just wishful thinking that I'd miraculously sleep and wake up feeling normal and healthy. I spent the majority of the first half of the night tossing and turning and wishing desperately for some magical drug to take me away from the pain in my throat. I had the thought "I'll take congestion, just take away the pain in my throat." I thought about calling the concierge and asking for drugs but couldn't imagine getting up and finding a robe and crawling to the door. I passed out sometime around midnight and woke up when the alarm went off at 5am. Of course, I shut it off... and tried to sleep again.. tossing and turning.

I still felt like hell when I got up so I drove to Whole Foods, got lots of homepathics (as a side note, do you know that Vitamin Water now makes a version with natural caffeine... woah)... then drove to Rite Aid and got DayQuil and a stash of NyQuil for tonight (plus lots of Kleenex). By the time I got to conference, my head was pounding and I wanted to blow my nose off so I took the DayQuil. I felt better... I made it through the day...

Then I decided it might be smart to practice. The pool here is enclosed and the room gets incredibly hot and humjid... it's perfect. Well not incredibly hot.. just good hot.... so I told myself I'd just breathe and see where I went... breathing not being such an easy thing at this point. In my downward dogs, I kept my breath slow and long... so that I wouldn't freak out if I couldn't fill myself with air quickly due to the congestion... it worked... I felt good... I did nearly my entire practice though I was moving fast... jump throughs on each side, lifting the heels on the way down... I did supta kurmasana with dwi pada first by putting my back up against the wall (something I saw someone do at David's the other day). Laghu Vajrasana was surprising today... I did it regularly, without having to use the heel of my hand or splay my knees... Kapotasana was tough... but I finally got my fingers walked in to past the toes... and then, suddenly, my nose completely cleared... completely... I thought "Mhmm.. where did the snot go?"

It came back, of course, but I really enjoyed backbending today... I did a whole bunch and even did one very silent dropback... eventually I just got tired... and the congestion was returning and, moreover, my throat hurt again. The benefit of being sick during a conference is that I've avoided all partying.... I haven't had a drop of alcohol and, miraculously, have practiced everyday....

Tomorrow is Cirque Du Soleil which I'm totally excited for... I think I will practice in the afternoon here at the hotel tomorrow and then Thursday and Friday go to David's and hopefully feel better by then... but, for tonight, it's gonna be a NyQuil night...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:51 AM

May 15, 2006

:(

I got up this morning at 4:50 am after spending most of the night coughing, a dry small cough that I thought was probably the recirculated air in the hotel. I threw on clothes, waited for the car (who knew getting a car from the valet at 5am could take so long) and then proceeded to get lost not once but three times trying to find the highway to get into Seattle. Usually I rely on MapQuest but, trying to be hip, I used Google Maps and, wouldn't you know, it was all wierd and I couldn't follow the directions. I finally found my way by staring at the map. Even getting to David's it had me going down some wierd street. Needless to say, I got to practice way later than I wanted to and picked up the corner spot like last time. One of the things I really like about David's is how hot and humid it is in that room.... I think it's the hottest studio I've been in so far. Our studio gets hot but that one gets rock solid hot. David came in around the time I was doing Prasaritas... at first he didn't know who I was but then he even remembered my name. I told him how The Daughter really likes his CD and runs around singing songs from it... he seemed to enjoy that story.

My friend JumpsThruSomeday came in sometime later... and then mat space got TIGHT.... and I mean tight. We get tight at Tim's sometimes but I've never been, not even with Guruji here, in mat space as tight as it was today. Perhaps it was because I was right next to the wall, I don't know but, literally, I couldn't do Tithibasana transitions... well I did the lift part but there was no way I could move my feet back. I also couldn't do Parsva Dhanurasana... I simply couldn't do it.... I tried to roll and then wiggle so I was right on my mat but, folks, that's no easy feat once you are all the way over. The only thing I find strange is that the whole back of the room is "open" for closing sequences... I considered moving back there to do the rest of my second series poses but figured that wouldn't be kosher so I just flailed through with my long limbs with little grace and a bit distracted. I had watched David do the adjustment in everyone who did Kapotasana and I was a bit freaked... you see, he makes them do it with their hands by their ears I guess... trying to grab the heels on the way down... no hands down first and walking it in... so I was a bit scared... and then, as it turned out, I really wanted to try it, but David never saw me and so I just did it on my own... and was surprised that I didn't feel a crank in my back (duh no one was pushing me) and I could grab up on the sides of my feet about where Tim usually gets me.

What was fascinating to me, however, was backbends. I was doing/feeling pretty good... stood up, dropped back..stood up...dropped back. I played with one dropback where I put my hands on my thighs and walked them down then put them on the ground and then David was there helping me up. When I asked if he lowered to the head for 5 breaths he told me not to go to my head today... interesting... neither certified teacher "lets" me do dropbacks for long. I must be doing something I don't see or feel... or maybe it's just energy... or maybe it's my ego when I think about it ;)

As the day progressed, my throat hurt worse and worse and worse... if it wasn't such a hassle to go get my car from valet (and have to pay each time) I'd try to go get some homepathics from Whole Foods... as it is, I'm taking GSE and Airborne.... and a lot of cough drops... this SUCKS... really SUCKS.... I slept a few hours... did some more backbends downstairs (warmed up first)... and now I'm gonna eat soup and salad and hopefully get some sleep. I was gonna drive in to Seattle and practice in the morning but I'm debating what will make me worse or better at this point.... so my deal with myself is, if I sleep well, I'll go. If I don't... I'll sleep in.

Cirque Du Soleil though... Wednesday night.. am excited... hope to feel better.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:31 PM

Man Of Steel

This morning started out horrible... The Husband went surfing, I packed all my stuff, he drove in the driveway at 8:05, my flight was at 9:30... in the car on the way to the airport I decided I needed to tell him how I felt about the "late notice" gift last night... the one he bought at 6pm and gave to me before we went to bed.. it felt like an afterthought and I didn't feel good about it. THe conversation turned horrible... we ended up in a big fight. I got out of the car at the curb, he unloaded my stuff, I said goodbye to The Daughter and as he drove away I realized OH SHIT my yoga mat is in the car still!!!!! I frantically called his cell phone... no answer... he clearly didn't have it with him... by the time he got home, I was near boarding time.... I was bummed... I almost broke into tears, not necessarily over the yoga mat but just the day's events and the stress of emotion.

In the end The Husband drove my mat all the way to Irvine (a good 45 minutes to an hour for those you not from here) so that a friend who is coming up for the same conference could bring it with him... I'm sure this man's wife thought "mhmm... yea... okay... the husband is driving up a yoga mat all the way up here.....

I was, however, so vested in the idea of practicing this afternoon on Mother's Day that I stopped at Whole Foods on my way to the hotel and bought the $17 Gaiam mat.... I found the perfect place to practice, in a sunny spot on the pool deck (enclosed), it was the perfect heat, perfect humidity... the mat however was so slippery that I literally slipped all the way off it in the first downward dog. I got a towel.. that was worse. Determined I tried whatever I could.... only I flailed and had trouble with the mat and gave up. I really wanted to do some backbending so I sprung up in to a backbend, my hands slipped out on the mat and my head hit the textured concrete that I moved my head off to the side to avoid impact and totally cranked my neck and hurt myself.

Who said the mat wasn't important?

My mat got here... it's 9:30 and the sun is just going down. I have to get up at like 4:45 in order to make practice in Seattle.... the rest of the people I know are downstairs having a lot of alcohol... they said I was "too good" that I came upstairs to go to bed instead of doing the conference circuit...

I'm really excited... I decided I am going to try really hard to "enjoy" this conference and not be drunk through half of it so Wednesday night I booked myself a 9th row seat to Cirque Du Soleil... I can't WAIT.... I'm a little nervous 'cause I've never done something like this alone... but I'm excited nonetheless.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:23 AM | Comments (6)

May 14, 2006

I Set Him Up

This morning I went and bought my own Mother's Day gift. I jokingly told The Husband that he should buy me a wallet for Mother's Day and when he agreed, well, I went and bought my own Mother's Day present. He doesn't understand why this pisses me off but, in all less-evolved manner of thinking, yes, it pisses me off. Oh well, since he was buying I bought my self a whole (but very little) Coach bag.

The Son had a baseball game today and did really great. We've been really talking about needing to learn social skills and having group interactions and why team sports are so important. After we got home, it was a beautiful day and we really wanted the kids to go outside. The Daughter found a friend but The Son was all alone in the backyard. I went and told him that I really wanted him to come out and play with the kids on the street. His two friends were across the street playing cards... he came out front but wouldn't go up to them. I finally convinced him to go ask what they were doing... he did.. they were playing YuGiOh which he doesn't do. He brought out his box of Pokemon cards and sat on the edge of the sidewalk. The two other boys across the street on the sidewalk. I finally bet him $5... actually, no, I bribed him. I told him if he'd walk over there and ask them if they wanted to play with him, I'd give him $5. This didn't work until like the 50th time I said it... I watched him walk over, circle around them then lean over and ask... and they shot him down :( I felt horrible but, moreover, he felt horrible. He almost hid in the garage, his eyes were tearing up. He's such a sensitive kid and it's super difficult for him to sorta open up. I always wonder whether I've done something terribly wrong, been a horrible parent, favored his sister, worked too much, was I emotionally supportive... and on and on the myriad of things I can think of that I could have done "wrong." I'm sure I've done all of those things at one moment or another in my parenting career. In the end, I took a gamble... I had a brilliant idea... we jumped on our bikes and rode over to The Son's friend's house in another neighborhood. When we got there the friend was already outside but it looked like they were having a big party at his house. The Son wouldn't even say hello.. he was freaked.. and this is like his really good friend. I told him he had to let the friend know he was there and ask him if he wanted to come over and play... it was super hard for him but he did it... the friend ran away and came back with his mom... and then we left and came back here. It turned out to be a wonderful afternoon. The kids all played, we invited the friend to have dinner with us which totally made The Son happy. The boys included The Daughter in all of their play which was amazing... and then The Son went to the friend's house for a sleepover.

I leave in the morning for Seattle. Am thinking of trying to do solo practice tomorrow afternoon at the hotel... and make David's in the morning on Monday. I was trying to find a studio that offered ashtanga in Bellevue but couldn't find one.

Time to pack...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:16 AM | Comments (3)

May 13, 2006

To Be Blunt About It

The sad truth is that the average American office worker works with far more chaos surrounding h/her than two children under 10 running around makes in a house. In fact, today, on my first official day back in my house, I barely saw my kids, but they were there, and we shared our energies and it was normal and it was balanced and it was good. Tonight I sent my boss an email saying thanks for going to bat. I recognize now, later, that I sent it, in part, to let him know that I really do work from home. I outlined my day... like I was trying to convince him. How silly. It is, however, the one reason that I'm so not good at this game anymore... instead of just saying what I worked on, I explained how my kids were happy, things felt like normal... in other words, I didn't leave out the part that is very much about lifestyle. It's just who I am.

I have had this wierd "cyst" thing on my head for the past like 10 years. I don't remember it as a child but definitely as long as I've known The Husband. It's never hurt and I went to the dermatologist years ago who just said, yep, happens, nope, it's just there. For the past few days, it's super sensitive to touch... like just to put your finger there with no pressure, it hurts. Of course, now I think about silver bullets... and karma.

Since I'm leaving on Sunday, Mother's Day, and in honor of the moon day, I got presents ;) The Daughter gave me a lovely painted pot... she said that I'm the best mommy because I let her take hot baths with me sometimes and I get her pizza and movies with her brother and daddy go to Indian Guides. A collective sigh is now heard in the blogosphere. The son made me a bracelet, a 3 day card and a letter that said, amongst other things, that I gave birth to him. I was very matter of fact "I love that you read me books... put me to bed... gave birth to me." It let me to thinking about birth and the experience. It's sometimes amazing to reflect on that experience. I know other women will understand what I mean and I also know that homebirthing moms will completely understand when I say the experience, while just as amazing, is somewhat different than a hospital birth. It's like sharing energies... it's just the energy (okay and lots of beeping, people, noises, rushing... is anyone else starting to wonder if I have a sensitivity to noise?). Birth is this amazing experience that is the only moment in my life I will ever experience the complete surrender to the divine. When there is nothing left of the ego, nothing left of the mind... when it's just what it is. So so excruciatingly painful and, yet, like a drug you'd do again if you could...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:14 AM | Comments (1)

May 12, 2006

Ah...

Since my security passcode doesn't work at The Office Building, I got up this morning at 6:30 and turned on the computer to work from home.... I felt a little "out of sorts" doing so... funny since I've worked from home for almost 9 years. I felt like I was cheating. I went to mysore at 9am. Ah, I love mysore at 9. The body is so much different. I got a lovely adjustment in Badha Konasana today... I even got a "that was good" from the teacher. I felt like I literally just let all the pieces of me melt into the ground and that was that. I had the best Dwi Pada today... R put me in it and I felt like my shoulders were really forward in comparison to normal. Kapotasana... oh kapotasana... I thought I might break again today... but backbends rocked. I loved every one of them. I stood up without rocking... 5 times... no rocking... controlled and not even purposefully putting my feet out though I'm sure they were....

I spent the rest of my day high.... yoga high.... so I decided to just move my office right then and there... why prolong it. I packed up all my stuff.. pictures, my Mr. Bendy, my Ganesh... Nandi Bull bowl... brought it all home... setup my network... am prepared to work tomorrow... it's a good thing.

No mental revelations as of late... well I did have one but it's unbloggable material. Yes, I actually have unbloggable material.

Next week, will be in Seattle all week. Hopefully more than one practice at the Seattle shala... less drinking... much less drinking.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:32 AM | Comments (2)

May 10, 2006

6 Month Pass

I made the decision not to practice today. I decided it was silly to drive all the way to Los Angeles just to practice. With gas at nearly $4 per gallon plus rush hour traffic from here to here, it was silly to do anything but take the train. Sure, I could have moved mountains, lugged my stuff, my briefcase, my mat... etc. but in the end, I just took the train up, worked and came home. My meetings went well. As it turns out, the big demo proving my worth to the company was cancelled. For whatever reason, the decision was made that I could work from home... temporarily. Our current local office is out of office space which is why I work in a secretarial cube (and therefore am surrounded by an inordinate amount of noise). The Powers That Be informed my boss that I could work from home until our new office is finished being constructed... which is sometime around October. This is, of course, better than nothing and I'm very, very happy about it. It sorta feels like waiting for the gauntlet to fall when October comes but there is hope that I'll prove I can do this and, probably more likely, they'll simply forget I'm there.

When I got home the new Ashtanga Yoga book by Grego Maehle was waiting for me. It looks like a wonderful resource... in flipping through it I particularly like the structural diagrams of the muscles involved with each posture. For someone who is completely clueless about the names of muscles, etc., it will be invaluable to read through it. The book documents the first series and the entire second half of the book is an interpretation of The Yoga Sutras. I will post some more about the book once I have enough presence of mind to actually read some of the words... right now I'm so tired, I just need to close my eyes.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:30 PM | Comments (8)

May 8, 2006

Mari D Boom Boom

This morning when I got up for practice, things seemed perfectly normal... and then I got on my mat. I considered leaving after like Surya 3... I decided very much in the physical that I was just gonna do whatever I felt like and not make it hard. I skipped all embellishments except Hanumanasana and I only did that to get my hamstrings to release... nothing else seemed to be working. I ended up having a nice practice all in all. I never thought I'd title a post Mari D.... man I had the coolest time in Mari D today. I've been able to do Mari D pretty reasonably since the first day I did ashtanga yoga. My friend B, in my first class, challenged me after to try Baddha Padmasana and Mari D since the class was a prep class and didn't include those. It reminded me of how I used to think the Tuesday night class primary series class was like OMG I'll NEVER get there... it's so funny when you stop and look at it like a destination because it's so not really what it feels like at all. Anyway, I don't often get adjustments in Mari D, or I didn't before I started practicing earlier.... now I almost regularly get Mari D adjustments and I have to say the pose is much different when I am pushed past where I can get on my own. Today I had the most amazing adjustment in Mari D. The Australian has some of the most amazing adjustments and I realized how individual they really are to each teacher. Anyway, after the first side I actually said "Wow" outloud. I've been thinking about that pose all day..not really about the pose itself but the feeling it evoked in me. Wow.

The Australian also had me to do Laghu Vajrasana again... and he stood behind me where my head was... man... that was tough. So when I got to Kapotasana, I hemmed and hawed... the more I do that pose, the more I procrastinate on it... it's a HUGE bite to chew, that pose. I can't ever imagine it not being this amazingly scary place. Tiff was encouraging me from across the room and LAPROXDOC, next to me, raised his hands in encouragement... and I did it... and it felt horrible... so I came out of it and I started the vinyasana and I thought "Well that was the lame ass way out." So I sat and waited for someone to come help me and I got The Man himself. I told him I needed help... I don't think I've ever actually asked for help before. It's likely a lesson I really need to learn. Kapotasana may be the pose to help me realize that.

Tonight The Daugher was out at the zoo with C & L so it was just the two boys and me... something that rarely happens now days. We took him to dinner and talked together, it was really nice. We are a bit concerned for him because he is such a solo kid. He likes to be alone when he plays. He told us how he's been going to the library for recess. We can't decide whether to embrace it or be concerned that he's socially immature. Of course, I'm socially inept myself so maybe he gets it from me.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:10 PM | Comments (7)

May 7, 2006

Caution Bruises Easily

I think I've injured myself and, more importantly or perhaps more scary, I believe I have something wrong with the left breast. I've been really avoiding facing that realization for the past few months but I think it is time to recognize that it just isn't like the other one. After practice on Friday night I started noticing that my left side was really sore... in fact, that if I moved my arm in a certain way, I had actual pain. This is not something a girl who's had bilateral mastectomies wants to feel. I decided to take it easy for the rest of the night and yesterday... in fact, I worked most of the day yesterday... I would get so much more work done if I worked from home. I worked remotely for awhile but then it just got too hard to do what I really needed to do via a remote connection and all my paperwork was sitting on my desk so I ended up going in the office. It took me 15 minutes just to get my number accepted by the security box. I have no idea why. When I got into the office, expecting it to be nice and quiet at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon, the attorney in the office right next to me was there... with music on, singing to it... *sigh* My house and home office were empty and silent and instead I was right back to working with all this crap going on around me. I was slightly pissed off about it actually and ended up just leaving for Tiff's birthday party. The only good news is that I have successfully band-aided, or maybe it's not even band-aided more like strung to together by fraying string, my application. It is working... it isn't working how it is supposed to work but we're talking pre-Beta 2 version of the software so I feel good that it is working at all. Now I just have to fill in the "meat" of the application which is the easy part.

After I got home last night, I was laying in bed with The Husband and he noted how I was holding myself... it was then that I came to the realization that for the past few months, whenever I lay flat, I am uncomfortable. It's like the implant on the left side slides way too far to the side and doesn't feel right. The right side doesn't do this, it feel perfectly natural and like a part of me... the left side feels like this thing that isn't situated in there right. When I "push it back" I can feel the implant slide over my pect and it doesn't feel good... and then I have to hold it up a bit so that I can be comfortable laying down. The thing is I've been ignoring this realization because I just can't have another surgery. I keep telling myself they are fine the way they are and I'll get used to the feeling and maybe that is true, god I hope it is true because I can't face the other possible options... I just can't. I can't do it again. I can't.

After this revelation I was stretching my legs a bit... laying on my back pulling my legs down as if to put one behind my head when I noticed this huge bruise on the back of my leg. If I wasn't so flexible, I'd have never seen it. I had a moment of panic when I couldn't figure out how I could have gotten such a bruise... I thought of cancer or some wierd disease... when The Husband says "Oh you probably got it from yoga!" I was thinking well I don't do any postures that have impact there when it hit me.... I got it Friday night doing Garba Pindasana... I've been trying to roll with my hands on my head and when I do that, which is the reason I tend not to in the first place, my elbows get twisted a bit (remember my elbow problem with hyperextension) and they dig into my thigh... Friday night I was having such a marvelous practice that I ignored it... went through the pain while rolling... and boom... you should see the bruise..it's gnarly.

This morning The Daughter's heart was broken when her trip to the Zoo with C & L got cancelled because L is sick. I have never seen The Daugher more heartbroken... normally she adjusts pretty easily... she started tearing up, she moaned and sighed and heaved for about 3 hours... she was crushed. I tried to tell her that when L gets better they are still going to go but she was just so sad. In dealing with her I missed first series at the studio, planned on going to the local club but when I got up to change I could still feel the pull on the left side and decided it would probably be smart to give it a rest for a couple days. I made a plan to work since The Husband was taking the kids to his father's house for a visit....

and, wouldn't you know, if I only worked at home I'd have probably worked at least 6 hours today but, dear friends, I couldn't even GET IN the building today. No matter how many times I entered my security code the stupid thing wouldn't open... and so I didn't get any work done. Geez, I can't even work extra when I want and need to... how lame is that. You bet I'm gonna be telling my boss about how I tried to put in a whole weekend but I couldn't because I work in an office. Frustrated with the damned security block, I came home and here I sit. Willing myself not to feel the pull on the side of my breast.

I can't do it again. I can't.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:40 PM | Comments (3)

May 5, 2006

Like A Drug

I'm sitting here with a bowl of apples and yogurt reflecting on my day. Today I bit all my nails off, hemmed and hawed, couldn't make a decision which way to go wtih my code..fretted. Went to teach yoga for kids at lunch. It was fun today. They seemed wild so I told them class was gonna be extra hard and I was super strict with the kids who decided not to do poses. About half way through I had everyone's attention which is highly unusual... We did bakasana and parsva bakasana.. I'm surprised how many 5 year olds can do bakasana. We did Ustrasana and a verison of Laghu Vajrasana. We did Dhanurasana (with a swing by the teacher) and then Parsva a bunch of times, back and forth, back and forth! We did handstands (I helped), we did backbends and then I did a single dropback with each child. Lastly we did Bhekasana because apparently Tiff did this last week and they all think it is the absolute coolest.

After teaching I ran into my first ashtanga teacher in the parking lot of the health food store. She's totally out of ashtanga now and into some other form of yoga and still off on another plane. After talking to her, I very much in the vein of the Real Housewives of Carmel Valley, called my friend B to find out what she was really into as of late.

I finished up my day by literally talking to myself in front of my computer, swearing every other run of the debugger... then feeling like an idiot because all the attorneys around me could hear me... I'd going off like "okay so I got a -1 index and now I gotta get the first child of the 0 based index for the first child of it as a 1 based index.... okay... now I got my node... now .... " and on and on... I was so wrapped up in programmer hell that I seriously had to just say it out loud in order to keep it straight. In the end, I almost have a functioning application using ALL of the pieces.... oh it's so bandaided that I have comments around big chunks that says "DUMMED DOWN CODE" so I know to remove it later. It's horrendously bad coding, horrendously bad design but it works... at least, I think it works... I'll know more tomorrow when I work on it some.

It was 5:45 when I finally got the user interface working appropriately, using all the pertinent beta releases of software... now I just have to actually do the hard file manipulation and I'm good. The Husband called said GO GO GO .. GO TO YOGA... you'll feel better, things will be better GO TO YOGA. So I jammed in my car and got to the mat in time for the 6pm first series class at the club. I was so hyper from the stress that I ended up having a really killer practice. Just on it and everything was perfect and right... and I'm not talking about postures. It was wild though because I was so open and as we were doing the first poses of standing I was thinking "man, I'd like to do hanumanasana today" -- I don't often get to do that pose anymore since I don't have time to spare... it's one of the things we do at our studio but if it comes down to time, sitcking to the practice mean that's the one that goes. So it was really cool when we were in Prasarita C and the teacher (who rocks) told us to do Somakonasana. I was stoked. Wierd energy connections rock.

All in all a lovely brilliant practice and I DID feel better just like The Husband said. In Savasana I had this really wierd experience... I used to get it all the time, coincidentally and wierdly enough, at my first ashtanga teacher's studio.. it's this sort of connection with the "spirit world" that I've gotten before... really prominent tonight... really physical. It was wierd.

Then I spent the next hour thinking "Man, I'm so high I must come down!" I thought how wierd I'd feel that after I just got done explaining that I feel like I've just done drugs whenever I practice through to kapotasana... like you are more heady, more out there. First series makes me feel so grounded and heavy in a way. Second series seems to make me float somewhere higher... that can be a scary feeling sometimes.

Must work this weekend.. but am hoping to carve out a few hours for special things. Tiff's birthday and the kirtan on Sunday. Must make time to breathe too.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:48 PM | Comments (2)

May 4, 2006

6 Figures

I had this revelation tonight about my life. I'm greedy. Or maybe not greedy but I'm really fighting what I see as huge changes in me really coming head to head. It's probably not appropriate to go into them directly on my blog as they involve my familiy to great extent and I respect their privacy but it was pretty amazing of a revelation. I have no idea what to do with it. I recognize the existence but have no yea or nay, this way or that about it. I wonder what that means. I ended up waking up from this revelation sometime around Pink Floyd's What Do You Want From Me.

I'm super stressed. I haven't been this stressed in years. I've bitten my nails off. I have this issue to deal with and I have to make a decision... on the one hand, if I think I'm super freakin' smart and can solve anything, I go this way...but I'm banking EVERYTHING on it... EVERYTHING or, on the other hand, I'm an idiot for building something on a platform that isn't even beta2 yet and expecting to get it in THAT good an order to bank everything on it. I know that if I pull an all weekender I can pull of something, even if it means cheating, rolling bits on the hard drive and hours and hours of lines of code that I'll be throwing away on Thursday... or do I take the easy road out and just do a day or two of code that I'll throw away when I figure out the first way anyway.

I got to practice today and was so stressed I couldn't even get my mind to stop for a second. It was one of those practices that I actually just gave up. It doesn't happen very often, nothing physical, I was fine physically, I even pulled up my legs still crossed from Supta K by myself but I couldn't just stop. I couldn't not be stressed. I couldn't practice. I started by saying Ok well I'll just break for second after Prasaritas and then call it a day with just a bit of second... I will'd myself through to Dandasana... I even did Hanumanasana and about 5 Bakasanas in an effort to learn to jump out of it. Kiran says "You just kick your legs back..watch Alex." I say "Kiran, do you think I haven't watched a bazillion people jump back? I just can't figure it out." How silly is that? It's actually perfect for me truthfully. I never did jump out of it.. well, if you count an ardha version, I did. After that it was just here and there... I think I only did Paschimottanasana, Ardha, Mari B, Mari D, Navasana with handstands (this was my effort to "get it going"), Bhujapindasana (where I'm happy to note I pulled up without touching my feet on the way back thru today for the first time, not even a little breeze), Supta Kurmasana with Dwi Pada... then I started second... go to Ustrasana and gave up. Yep... I gave up... I laid on my mat told Kiran I had to get to work, did 4 backbends, stood up, decided okay assisted dropbacks... quick finishing like just halasana and Karnapindasana... and left.

Then this lady that I know stopped me in the locker room. Man, what a great lady. She knew I had surgery, she used to practice at the club before I stopped going when I was still deciding what I was gonna do. She came right up to me and told me how wonderful my breasts looked and asked me all these really amazing questions about it. Most people have this terribly wierd reaction to me but she was just so honest and raw and it made me feel really nice inside... those are the people that have a light about them.

Tonight I told The Husband he should surf in the morning. Apparently some swell is coming. It's so funny because if I say this to him it ends up being some two hour conversation like "No, it's okay, I'll practice some other time, like Intro to Second." We both know that I have a hard time going to yoga at night (isn't that funny, I used to only practice at night) so he'll say, "No, you go.. I'll just go later at like 10." He hates surfing late in the morning, he likes to go at 6am. So we play pinball with who's doing what for a couple hours... as of right now, we still haven't decided who is doing kid duty and who is following their bliss.

This was how I got to thinking about how greedy I am... I often say "Well I work in an office now so I get the mornings to myself." Really that's pretty unfair because I know that being at home doesn't mean your life is a free ride but it does feel like it is a hell of a lot easier to balance it all than the way I'm doing it. We're also in the throes of trying to figure out how to handle two kids home from school for 3 months and, damn, that sucks. You want to feel like summer is this fun, kid time to love the beach and being outdoors and stuff but, the truth is, when you have working parents, summer is a series of camps. We're trying to find some good ones -- The Daughter wants to do Rock N Cheer (cheerleader camp...she's 5!!!), gymnastics camp (2 weeks), Dinosaurs, Soccer something... and The Son wants to do computers, computer, robotics, computers, computers... and then we forced him to do a multi sport, photography, Rocks & Dinosaurs... It is like scheduling for 50 to get a summer of one camps scheduled for two children. For one week at the UCSD computer camp, $649... he won't be going to that one. Gymnastics is super expensive but how can I not let her do that.. it's her thing. The Son is getting robotics and a flash animation class at a much less expensive computer camp. Aren't you tired just reading about it?

Now I should really screw my mind back to this freaking problem I have and what I'm gonna do about it... sometimes I wonder why I got into this tech field...

In my best Chicago accent "F*k"

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:28 PM | Comments (5)

May 3, 2006

It's A Small World

Today I had a big huge "meeting" in the office. I was expecting my boss and a colleague early so I knew I had no spare moments this morning. I was super stressed. I'm between a rock and a hardspot with this demo I have to do on Wednesday and the path I chose ended up being the path of most resistance. I got on the mat as early as I could and swept to seated somewhere right around 7. I was a bit surprised at my speed. I couldn't figure it out. It's a bit wierd to be doing seated when everyone else around you is moving through standing. It's just this odd feeling of being somehow out of synch to early. When I got to Ardha Badha Paschimottanasana I couldn't figure out why my knee was all messed up when I realized that I had completely forgotten balancing poses. I glanced at the clock, I didn't have enough time to go back (because you know the punishment for skipping is to go back and redo all the ones from that point on) so I just kept on going... but that's the way my whole practice was... for a great deal of it it was pure physical activity and a will to do the practice. At some point, close to the end of first, I finally found some groove and focus but by the time I got to kapotasana I could only embrace it as a pose to get through and I hemmed and hawed until I had my teacher's full attention for the whole messy event. I need to do that pose a whole hell of a lot more... I need to just sit right here and chew on it for a good long time... kapotasana. I didn't really enjoy backbends much more... fell out of my first attempt to stand up... was trying to think of anything other than doing another backbend so I looked around, JMS was waiting for Supta Vajrasana... I sat long enough to let my poor inflatable ego wonder if I "should" go assist, would he not like it, would it be better to let him sit and wait? In the end my ego took over and I decided the idea of that next backbend was enough to propel me across the room. It gave me enough time to at least convince myself that I could stand up even if I thought I couldn't. It appeared to work but I gave up after two... my mind just wouldn't disengage...

In the end, my boss didn't come and I was about 5 minutes late picking up my colleague at the train station. I had a crappy ass day at work... stupid Beta software. Why do I do this stuff? I should stay working in last year's technology... there's like documentation on that stuff.

Since I had such a bad day, I didn't leave The Office until after 6 (but I did make it to The Daughter's gymnastics this afternoon where I a) got asked if I would be interested in teaching yoga to the team girls; they apparently have a lot of hamstring injuries/tightness and sore backs ... no kidding? I told them I thought that I knew people more qualified to do that, any takers? b) got to watch The Daughter do a beautiful walk-over (what is that viparita chakrasana? backbend to handstand and to standing) and c) her coach told me she is gonna get moved on to the next level (L3) in June... so I watached some of those girls today... wow.. beam handstands and stuff cool)... so we went to SoupPlantation. Get seated next to this lady who clearly recognizes me... and I recognize her but I can't figure out from where. I sorta gave up trying to figure it out and then a few minutes later The Daughter points her out. I keep asking who it is and where she knows her from but she wouldn't reveal. Then I realized it was the little girl on the street who's mom is really nice and wants to try to get them to "know each other" since they are the same age on the same street. When I came back from a trip to the Carbo Machine she says to me "You practice with Tim Miller?" Completely confused she explains that she practiced with Tim for the past two years.... but I couldn't place her in that context at all. She said the new studio is simply too far so she's never been there and didn't practice at the warehouse. It's wierd she lives just down the street from me, we apparently went to the same place at 7am everyday and I couldn't place her at all. I told her about Kiran's noon Mysore up the street though so maybe she'll come there. Good energy in the room always makes a huge difference in the practice.

I now need to go back to my Programmer Hell. Ah, it's a frightening place to be. I almost forgot to mention how I met my colleague's sister today. She lives down here and so before he went back on the train she stopped by. She works at that Ayruvedic Big Huge Place in La Costa. She had the most amazingly beautiful tattoos. Beautiful Indian decoration as big wrist bands. A lovely mandala in the center of her hand and on each finger a lotus flower. They were beautiful and her other arm was exactly the same right down to the lotus on every finger. Tattoos... I want a new tattoo.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:31 PM | Comments (1)

Blah Blah Blah

If I didn't feel that blogging were another of my disciplines I probably wouldn't blog. With the exception of practice today, my day has been spent in Beta Hell. If you aren't a programmer and, even if you are, if you don't deal with pre-Beta 2 Microsoft software, you have no idea what Beta Hell is.... my friends, I'm quite versed in Beta Hell. Blah.

I started the day with the Post Haircut Incident parent conference. I don't know if I should think it's fortunate that everyone agrees The Daughter was responding to the other little girl "starting it" or equally mortified that she retaliated at all. The Daughter apologized to all parties and ended up bringing a note home from her teachers about how wonderful her day was and how hard she worked to make the right choices.

Upon arrival at The Office, actually, in the car on the way to The Office, I retrieved my email (that handy dandy Treo) and discovered we'd received a response from The Powers That Be. Because I shouldn't go into too many details here on my blog, I'll just say that I didn't read the response as being particularly positive. The Husband doesn't think the response indicated that the issue is dead but the fine points of the response were:

- It sets precedence and therefore we have to be concerned about the morale of others;

- My job as a developer requires face to face interaction with attorneys and staff to avoid "generic work product" (what that is with an in-house developer I don't know..that's what you get when you buy OTS). I have yet to have a face to face meeting with any attorney or staff member in my office. In fact, I've only had a few face to face meetings in the 4 months I've been on staff. The truth is, we have project managers and people who do requirements analysis who do the interaction with the firm members. That's why I'm not on the current "roadshow" gathering requirements... I just implement. In a lot of firms I have performed this role too but, in this role, I'm not supposed to be.

- In a portion of my request I noted that I would rearrange my schedule to attend critical in office meetings. The response was that this makes it sounds as if I have better things to do with my time than work. In fact, what I meant was that when I do have meetings, they are always in L.A. In order to be in L.A. I have to leave at 6am and I don't get home until about 8pm.... this means I have to rearrange my life, my kids lives, my nanny's life and my husband's life to do this. I have never, not once, attended a meeting in my local office.

- Lastly, the PTB would like to see and make sure they are getting the "value out of their investment" -- which is me. I'm such a commodity.

Practice today was good. I was really happy to see how full the class was. Kiran had about 7 people for class and 3 of us doing Mysore. I skipped the second half of first series today... I opted to do Hanumanasana after Prasaritas instead. Kapotasana... uh... man I got work to do... especially on my breath. I'm out of it by the time I come up. Like I ran a marathon. Dropbacks/standing up... no drama today. I got a nice gift from one of the students... a gift certificate for a free 1/2 hour massage... I can't wait to take him up on that.

Tomorrow is going to be crazy... I'm gonna make practice but I have to be on time and out of there... we have huge meetings in our office tomorrow.. hey my first one, traveling road show for requirements analysis...which I'm not a part of. Next Wednesday is DDay apparently... I have a meeting with the PTB to actually demonstrate my value-add... now I just have to get my value-add together. Next few days will be high stress.... very high stress.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:45 AM | Comments (4)

May 1, 2006

Runs With Scissors

Early train to L.A. this morning. When I got in the taxi the driver was very animated, talking about something or other. After I got to The Office and everyone was talking about leaving early because all the streets downtown were gonna get closed down. I left early... and ended up crossing over the street right in front of the beginning of the throng of people. It was actually a bit scary because cars were all over the place and we ended up taking some back road to the train station. A 5 minute ride that took about a half hour. I did however, with just a few minutes to spare, make the early train which meant I actually got home at a decent hour. In time to take care of "family life" ... and, oh, what a life.

As I sat in a meeting today my phone rang. It was The Husband. I know if he calls me when he knows I'm in a meeting that something has happened. Today The Daughter's teachers phoned our home. Apparently The Daughter's classmate decided to cut The Daughter's hair. She did, in fact, cut the hair. Big chunks are missing here and there but it isn't all that bad, it'll grow back. The Daughter then proceeded to "get her back" and so she cut the other little girl's hair... which was in a ponytail so she just cut the whole ponytail. Nice. Just lovely. They've been "banned" from using scissors all week and are not allowed to sit next to each other at lunchtime. Such punishment! At 5, that's pretty serious! Of course, this meant I had to come home and be the stern parent. After being gone all day, this isn't the most fun thing to do. We had to call the other family, apologize, etc. I didn't tell The Daughter I was mad, I told her I was disappointed in her. Her little face crumpled. I was disappointed in her. She's always been so much different than this.. it's like she's suddenly hit this stage where she's just gnarly. At least I recognize it is a phase... how long does this one last?

I read a lof of the new Matthew Sweeney book on the train today. I really like it. I like the attitude of his writings. The pictures are interesting to look at it too.

In case you are keeping track as I am... nope, no mention of The Request yet.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:40 PM | Comments (4)