facing inward

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April 30, 2006

Sad, Sad Music

It was a sauna at practice this morning. I was sweating before the first ekam. My ankle was hurting a bit and I skipped Janu Shirasana B and C on that side (to which I was told that my having been hit by a baseball was the first time he's ever heard that one). I managed to do the half lotus postures, it seems to hurt less turning it that way than externally. Still, in Utpluthi I had enough to hold onto in the bandha at the end but my ankle was giving way so I came down. Today was actually a first for me... in what feels like forever but surely was probably never even, I held headstand for all the count, plus ardha and back up. I didn't even FEEL my incisions... this means that not feeling them IS there somewhere. I had fun with backbends today. I laughed through half of them... just fun... I remembered that moment though... the one where you just give over to it... fuck just go forward and up and close the third eye and it will come... and I did... I think all 3 times... they weren't pretty mind you, I'm not talking perfection in any way shape or form, in fact, I was told they were circus-like, but I can feel that moment now and it is pretty sweet. Scary.... but sweet.

Today I went to Whole Foods to grocery shop. Whole Foods is like an excursion for me. I love shopping at our local health food store and supporting someone literally in my community as he lives and works here in my neck of the woods. But Whole Foods has everything. The Husband let me go alone and I spent like 20 minutes in the vitamin/middle of the store section alone. I love how Whole Foods always employees people that are unique and yet you feel so normal around. Cool people... people who fit your bubble! Or my bubble anyway, yours may be entirely different. This was demonstrated today when I was at the front of the store, walking to the check-out when some older gentleman, okay just man, yells out, literally yells out loud, slouching on his cart, halfway across the store "HEY YOU what I want to know is how you can read that map on your back." I just kept walking, I figured why bother... a store clerk gets in step next to me, looks at me, rolls his eyes and says "that's a beautiful piece." Thanks man... it is, I love it!

Yesterday at The Son's baseball game another mother asked about my tattoo. She then asked me what religion Hindu would be. I explained that, indeed, Hinduism is the religion. Then she asked me if I could identify her how Hindus, Muslims and Christians differ. I thought for a few minutes and then I told her that I thought she was asking the wrong person because if you ask me they are all the same, they all lead to the same God, it's just different words. Tonight I flipped open my new Easwaran book and landed on a page from the Gita:

He who knows me as his own divine Self,
As the Operator in him, breaks through
The belief he is the body, and is
Not born separate again. Such a one
Is united with me, O Arjuna.

Delivered from selfish attachment, fear,
And anger, filled with Me, surrendering
Themselves to me, purified in the fire
Of my Being, many have reached the
State of Unity in me.

As people approach me, so I received
Them. All Paths lead to me, O Arjuna."

Fascinating for it to land on that page.

This brings me to thinking about my tattoos... they are all so special to me. I love them all and for various reasons. I love that strangel came with me to get my first... well second... she was with me for my first though too but that was a much different experience. I love that my two best friends and I decided we were all gonna ink on the same day at the same time and it didn't even matter that we weren't all in the same room together... we all got ink, went and got burritos and had dinner with the family. I love that Neti drew my back for me. My angel, though not my style and certainly not something I would have considered putting my body, the angel is for my mother because no matter that we don't have the type of relationship portrayed in all those TV shows, her getting this tattoo was truly a remarkable acceptance for me. So, I've been thinking about the Ganesh and whether or not another tattoo is not something I should do. The thing is the Ganesh really feels right. I can't even explain it in some lofty spiritual relationship way.. it's just a feeling.. and when I explore it I always come back to the night in the hospital where all I could think on was Ganesh and wanting to get through that first night. I tried so hard to meditate and all these months I thought of myself as a failure at it and what I finally realized is the only memory I really have is that I was thinking about Ganesh. I don't remember the pain and I don't remember the fear, they are just like the tangents of childbirth -- we say we'll never forget but, let's face it, you can't put a tap on the experience. I do remember the magic of that morning when Clio brought me a little Ganesh out of the blue... and it was so perfect. Just the feeling of perfection.

Tonight I listened to The Cure. Old Cure back when The Cure was still okay. 7 Seconds...

I made a lamb curry tonight. I had this inkling in the back of my head for like the past 3 weeks telling me to eat lamb. I normally would talk myself out of this for forever but finally decided I should listen to it. My stomach hurt like a mother after.

I'm in L.A. all day tomorrow... no practice. I'm looking at it as a lovely way to give my ankle a rest though I'm sad because I anticipate this will be a special day for someone I know!

So so sad... my trip to Whole Foods led me to a new love. Bye Bye Clementine.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:29 PM | Comments (1)

April 29, 2006

Ouch!

Today I was sitting at The Son's baseball game... sweating. When we left the house it was sorta overcast, cloudy and cold... it was blazing at the game... I ended up with a nice sunburn even. As I'm sitting there watching the game, I suddenly feel this sharp shooting pain up my leg, ankle to knee... looked down, got slammed by a baseball... right into the edge of the bone on my inner ankle. DAMN! Instantly swollen and hit so hard that you could actually see two lines where the stitching on the ball was. The Son thought that was pretty funny.... I've been icing it on and off all day... and putting arnica all over it. Janu Shirasana C is about impossible right now and that's my easy side. I hope it is better in the morning.

I had this really wierd experience at the baseball game today. Someone in my community came up to me and basically shared some personal information... it's information that everyone gossips about actually. Sad to say it but it's true. But this was hearing it actually said and by the affected person. I felt so bad. I've felt this weight all day and yet I know there is nothing I can do to help the situation at all. I wish I could shake the feeling that I have some responsibility now.

Tonight I got to have my Parenting Bubble burst. It's that bubble we get when we see something we really love in our kids that makes us swell with egotistical pride. It's a rare moment when it happens but be sure it does... then our kids show us just how fragile we really are. The Husband and I noted how well the kids were playing together. With a girl and a boy sometimes this just doesn't happen all too frequently. We gave them some time to play and I snuck up after awhile and stood in the doorway where they couldn't see me. They weren't even playing together, just sharing space, really peaceful together. My parenting ego was swelling as I pondered how wonderful it was to see them so happily sharing energy. The Son called The Daughter over and was giving her instructions on some game he made up. She stood and watched him, listened, the lifted her hand, swept it towards the door and said "Get out of my room." I was so stunned out of my bubble I said "Daughter! Wow, you could have said something like "I'd like to go to bed now."

My nice sunburn and busted up knee are gonna make practice tomorrow one hell of a ride! Gotta look forward to that.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:30 PM

April 28, 2006

Hallmark Holidays

Hallmark is brilliant. I'm sure it's not just Hallmark, there are likely plenty of other social stationery companies equally making out but we all know when you think of "cards" you think of Hallmark. Hallmark does it right... A long time ago, probably 20 years ago, Hallmark came out with "Secretaries Day." On Secretaries Day any "professional" with a secretary would bring in flowers or chocolate and call it showing their appreciation. I can't figure out if it was meant to be an ego symbol for the "professional" (Hey look I have a secretary) or if it was some brilliant marketing manager's idea that in 20 years you'd be raking in the big bucks.

Secretaries Day is now "Staff Appreciation Day" and this includes every staff member, at least in legal, who is NOT an attorney and NOT one of the "top tier" of professionals such as the CIO, the CKO, the ED and other high ranking managers with a host of initials (when did initials become so important?). This week for Staff Appreciation Day we had the following "festivities" meant to show us how imporant we are to the firm, it's future, it's daily successes and, yes, my friends, the direction of the company (barf icon):

Monday: 4 roses in a clear vase
Tuesday: Breakfast, some catered affair that I, with my much lowered standards, couldn't eat.
Wednesday: A $25 gift certificate American Express thingy
Thursday: 4 chocolate covered strawberries (2 milk, 2 white)
Friday: Root beer floats in the afternoon

Roses die, I can eat at home, $25??? I gave the strawberries away and I don't drink sodas. If the firm really wanted to show appreciation to the staff they could do something that would actually improve the morale of staff and actually say "Hey we know what's important to you!" Something like giving each employee one afternoon a year off (A YEAR PEOPLE, that's how low I'm talking). You could put all the various conditions around it but an afternoon off is much more valuable to me than a week of "gifts" that are someone's way of buying into the corporate proganada and engine careening out of control. Just my humble opinion, of course.

Tiff taught Yoga Kids for me and I ended up going to a last minute "lunch meeting" -- we ended up having pizza and a beer. First, I haven't had beer in a long time. Pizza port Cream Ale.. mhmmm... nice. It's also a freaky thing that I felt "bad" having a beer during the work day as if I violated some "law" of the corporate world. I have no idea why I'd feel that way. What a fucking mind control trip. Then I remembered it was Staff Appreciation Week.

Tonight I got an email from my tattoo artist. The Ganesh idea has been floating around for awhile but I somehow don't feel "worthy" of putting Ganesh on my body... and so I've been hemming and hawing and debating. So suddenly all these things are happening, stupid silly things.... but when all these silly things happen that force the "issue" to be right in front of me I start to believe the universe is giving me a message. Anyway, a few months ago I asked him to sketch me a Ganesh, just the outline, very simple, more like the image on my blog now. Tonight the email had it attached. I love it, it's beautiful. I can't figure out where to put it. I thought about along my side, close to my hip but that feels like an inappropriate place. I'd love to do it right on my forearm but, realistically, I can't do that with my career (damn thing). I thought about some odd place like having it start right above my kne and wrap down the back part. I have another ankle too. I wrote him back about "the vision" and asked him if it felt right... not sure... the Ganesh is perfectly what I was imagining. I suppose I could use my $25 American Express thingy to pay for a few minutes of my tattoo.. hey it might buy me his eye and then I could really be getting a present for Staff Appreciation Week.

Tonight I had the thought that the real magic is in that moment of faith I was talking about earlier. This is what happens for me with yoga... some physical thing that happens to me in the morning will sit with me all day.... For so long I've been hearing the message about my legs with yoga... I've been focused so much on them that I haven't just let go... and it seems like the real moment of truth is the moment that it feels like you've closed your eyes and given yourself over to the magical strings in the air... that's the moment of unity and bliss. That's the yoga.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:37 PM | Comments (5)

Pose of Prayers

I've become one of those yogis. My back hurts, my legs are tight... I'm always feeling like something has to give. I've got a bottle of Motrin sitting next to me as we speak. Moonday yesterday and I'm so pathetic I was passed out Wednesday night by like 8:30... literally... I couldn't hold it together. I have found that doing up to kapotasana just exhausts me by 9pm. It might be that I get up at 5:30 but I've been doing that for awhile and I never feel the exhaustion that I now feel... or, perhaps, it's actually the stress of my life now.. the work thing and all.

I had a terrible experience yesterday that I'm still processing. I let someone coerce me. I watched it happening to myself. I was a bystander in the process but it happened nonetheless. I was at the health food store at lunch and ran into a very special lady. I felt really bad because I've been a horrible friend, horrible associate and horrendously non-responsive to said lady during a really troubling time for her. Life is so crazy I can barely talk to my husband let alone return anyone's phone calls (I suck)... so as I was talking to her I was explaining some things I did during my recovery to "mold" the shape of the breast. You see, you really do have to shape them... mostly it is a bra that does it for you (which is why, if you recall, my posts for weeks were about the bra... ode to the bra we should have called them all) but you can do a bit of massaging here and there and pushing this way and that and try to shape them up too. After she left a man walked up to me. He said, quite bluntly, "What were you doing to that lady?" I responded that I'd rather not talk about it out of respect for her privacy. He kept pushing me. "Are you a chiropractor?" No. Then he said that you don't see many women touching a body like I was (I had been demonstrating how to manipulate the implant to move down and over by pushing on the bottom of the pec muscle)... then he said "Are you a faith healer?" I wanted to laugh at this but instead I just felt defeated and I finally explained that I was demonstrating how to help the recovery process after having had preventative mastectomies. The man looked at me like I was nuts and said "I didn't even know you could have that?" I told him that yes you can. He told me he hoped my chemotherapy went okay. He then proceeded to stare at me the entire rest of the time I was in the store, while I was in line paying, as I walked outside. I just felt icky. I felt icky that I had told him anything and then I felt wierd that he continued to stare at me. Why I finally caved I don't know... it was like a vulnerable moment that I had no control over.

In case you are on pins and needles.... nothing about the telecommuting proposal so far.

It's been hard to get up for practice lately. I never used to have this problem and now suddenly the alarm goes off and I think "Damn, now I have to get up!" As a result, I've started 15 minutes late for my last two practices. Tim's been giving me these wonderful adjustments in Mari D lately. I can't remember having so many adjustments in that pose in all the time I've been practicing yoga. It's a great adjustment. I call it The Exorcist Adjustment since I'm basically turned around enough that I can see his eyes. I also got a killer adjustment in Pasasana today and Andrew gave me this wild adjustment in Dhanurasana.... I think... and I can't be sure that he was sorta pulling my heels up and out.. whatever it stretched my back out nicely and the next upward dog felt amazing. Laghu Vajrasana...big huge gnarly cramp in my calf :( Kapotasana... I hesitated... and then I got cranked so hard that for the first time I thought to myself "I'm going to break in half!" Then I remembered Neti's comment and so I thought "Dear Sweet Jesus" instead. Almost a mantra while I was down there. I also realized that on the times I make it up from a backbend are the times when I don't think... when I just give in to blind faith and I almost have the feeling of closing my eyes. I don't think I'm actually closing my eyes but I'm just blank. Funny that I should have this thought today when I heard Tim say to someone "No thinking!" He then explained that thinking takes you further away from your true self. I don't know who he was talking and it's probably not so funny. Today I got the biggest compliment ever from my teacher. It's pretty rare when you get praise so you take it and treasure it... and then realize it isn't about praise at all... and throw it out the window.

800mg of Motrin later... I'm praying The Husband has filled up the jacuzzi for the night... I'll be taking herbal remedies, having a glass of wine and sitting in the hot hot water all night. Man, my back is rocked.

I asked my tattoo artist to draw up the Ganesh/Hanuman image. I didn't really have an image in my head but I told him about the vision... we'll see what he comes up with. Then I just have to figure out where to put a new tattoo.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:15 PM

April 26, 2006

Duh...

In my haze of bliss I forgot to actually mention how I got on the idea of what it feels like to come up from Kapotasana.... I came up today and I had this wierd vision.. It was like a picture... Ganesh with Hanuman flying around. I can't decide if that is meaningful or if it's just a result of screaming Hanuman and Ganesh in some combination with Sita, Ram, Jai, bathtub, soap and washcloth (we have continued our chanting ... in fact, I got some on video...it's pretty cute). It would be a really cool tattoo though..... ah.... tattoos... I want a tattoo.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:28 PM | Comments (3)

Bliss

Today was one of those days where I just never lost that feeling you get right after you come up from Kapotasana... I imagine that the feeling only gets more intense the deeper you go into that pose. I even got to watch two beautiful Kapotasanas today... Kiran demonstrated her lovely entry and I got to watch my teacher help JMS into a beautiful kapotasana from which he emerged with that smile that is something like bliss. I still come up with something like a "Thank you Gods for letting me get out of that!" ;)

I did a couple dropbacks today and stood up. I fell out of one, was then asked if I was not going to stand up today. I had to think about that one all day.

Note to self: Tomorrow IS a moonday.

My boss submitted my proposal at work today... we'll see what happens with it. I don't have a gut instinct which is unusual.

In honor of the upcoming show, I listened to Bauhaus tonight (playing on tour with Nine Inch Nails and coming soon to a huge ampitheater near you). You know the reason Bauhaus has lasted so long in my slot of old time favorite bands is that you just never know exactly what feeling you are supposed to feel... everytime you listen it can be a bit different. The shuffle setting selected The Passion of Lovers... a classic.

By the way, another upcoming show is Ministry... with Revolting C*ck* --- imagine.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:11 PM

April 25, 2006

Bad Lady

Usually the first two days of my moon are so painful that practice is out of the question. Yesterday my moon was extra extra painful... I actually considered taking pain killers but, instead, opted for my favorite herbal remedy and sleep. I packed a bag "just in case" and ended up taking off at noon to practice at the club with Kiran. There was another guy there today doing Mysore and he even started before me! WHOOOHOO.

Because I started really late, I skipped a bunch of first series in order to get through my second series poses. I do first series everyday so I feel okay skipping it for second series sometimes. Kapotasana actually wasn't even so bad today.... I managed to pull off coming up again... Kiran had my hands about halfway up my feet I think (I can't really tell when I'm down there so I could be full of it!). Then I did a bunch of backbends. I did 4 backbends, standing, a couple dropbacks and standups, assisted with Kiran, a couple more dropbacks and stood up once I think... then I did a bunch of half dropbacks where I had my hands on my thighs and went halfway down, then I did a few with my hands in namaste.... then a couple more dropbacks ... until finally my quads gave way and I couldn't pull off standing up again. In the end, I ended up really sore but what's the solution to better backbends? More backbends!!!

Since I practiced today like a Bad Lady, I figure I should just continue with my badness and practice tomorrow.... so packing myself up it is.

I was reprimanded today for whining on my blog about work. Yes, my blog has become one big solid whine fest. Yes, I promise to put an end to it.

Speaking of... since I know all of your prayers and well wishes usually work... today my boss approached me and asked me if I was happy working in the office. I was a bit taken off guard and I responded with "I hate it." This may or may not have been the most politically correct way to term my feelings but it was honest. I followed it up with "I hate it more and more everyday." My boss has agreed to "go to the table" and see if he can work out a work from home option for me. It'll still be way less flexible than my old job but that's okay... the difference will be dramatic for me personally, for my family.... I came up with a proposal today.. it's super formal but I don't know how informal it can be. So now I'll be on pins and needles waiting to find out... as will you all I suppose ;)

I need a road trip... like one where you turn the music up really loud in the car and just drive somewhere. I just need somewhere to go... oh and the time to do it :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:35 PM | Comments (5)

April 24, 2006

The Moon Week

Since I got my moon today I won't be practicing tomorrow and probably not Wednesday and Thursday is a moon day so... it got me thinking that I often look at these times, a moonday or my moonday, with a bit of "ah, damn, there's this moonday and it means I can't practice." I was talking with an authorized teacher once when she told me that she always takes the first 3 days of her moon off and she savors it like a vacation. I think I should think of it that way. So tonight I am trying it out.

My version of trying it out often means doing all the things I wouldn't normally do in the name of the fact that I pretty much don't do them because I have practice in the morning. This means I had wine, I had chocolate and I had pasta for dinner (not all in that order clearly). I also laid down the new rug and tried downward dog on and it feels all slippery.

Tonight I was sitting in the chair listening to The Son read me Calvin & Hobbes. He loves Calvin & Hobbes even if it is one of those things that I cringe at the thought of him reading (come on, stupid, idiot and a host of other inappropriate words) and The Husband asks me if I remember, before we had kids, how I had said that I would never be able to "get" even my own kids until they could read. He told me that moment, sitting in the chair, our legs flung over the side, listening to my child read out loud with emotion and imitation and everything must be like this pinnacle or top of the mountain. How silly was it to think that given everything that happens when they can't do things like interpret logic or laugh at jokes or reason. What you don't know until you really are a parent!!! It's that magic thing all of us parents know... the intangible piece that can't be spoken, that no one could possibly ever understand unless they were a parent. All the things we know now.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:12 PM | Comments (4)

Crazy Ashtangis

I woke up this morning around 5 something... Since I was up before the alarm I hemmed and hawed in bed "Mhmmm so I go down and make some coffee? No, no, that's silly... no yesterday I could feel the liquid in my stomach and there's no way I could do kapotasana with that in my belly... kapotasana...man, I have to do that today... maybe I should drink coffee, maybe it will give me energy... mhmm.. maybe I should take the Motrin and my back will feel more open... well now it's 5:40... maybe I should just go to practice at 7 instead of 6:30... if I drank coffee would that make it better? What if I only drank a bit of it?" In the end, I got out of bed at 6:15, threw on clothes and drove to practice just like normal. No Coffee, no Motrin.

When I got there there were already a few people in the room aside from the pranayama practitioners. The others were just generally stretching... I sorta felt bad starting my practice but, I gotta do what I gotta do. As soon as I started they all started too. I noted that I do a lots less Sun Salutations... I usually do 4As and 3Bs. I'm not sure if I really "need" to do 5 of each anymore. As long as I'm focused, I'm heated up and the hamstrings are working. Is it overkill to do 5 and 5? Or am I just being lazy?

Man I could not get bound in Supta K today. I got a nice adjustment but I really wanted to say, hey if you just put my leg under my bun (I usually wear my hair in a bun) then I can get it further back there and probably keep them off the ground... but I couldn't utter a sound and so my hair got in the way and I couldn't keep them lifted. I did, however, have what felt like a glorious Titibhasana out of Supta k today... I can almost get all the way back into Bakasana from this now but the lean forward still really digs deep into the pecs... and, of course, I'm the line person on the planet that can't figure out how to jump out of Bakasana.

Second series felt great today actually. Kapotasana wasn't even so bad although I did hem and haw a bit over going into it. I got down there, got my feet and held it a couple breaths before I got the adjustment up my feet... I think I still held onto that for 5 breaths and then I came up... no drama. 3 backbends...tried to stand up, fell... Tim was sitting next to me. I'm having one of those completely useless moments where I wonder "the why" of my teacher. If I so much as stumble on a standup, boom, I'm doing dropbacks. I fell, laid back down, went to come up when I felt his leg there and I looked up and was like "oh... you're here" --- I don't know if this is a message but on average, if I don't make that first standup, I'm not given the opportunity to dropback unassisted.

As I was recovering on my mat I saw Liz doing an effortless and beautiful rendition of kapotasana... Tiff was next to her and I gave her my best "that sucks" face (ala KJS' backbend comic) and then made a rude gesture in total joking fashion. Tiff laughed out loud, told Liz, Liz laughed out loud and then Tim says "Alright, what's going on over here?" Like good 5 year olds we said "Nothing, nothing..." Ah the jealous ego rears it's ugly head...

I bought a rug today. I've never liked practicing on the rugs as I've always felt like I was slipping but I've noticed that by the time I get to Ustrasana now, I'm really sweaty (I never used to sweat) and my knees slip a bit or my head. I bought a bright orange AYC one... I hope it works.

I was so disengaged about coming to work today that I stood and talked to C for awhile after practice and ended up being a few minutes "late" coming in. One of the girls from Tulum is here for a couple days and I really wanted to ask her out to coffee but realized I can't do that type of thing anymore... now I have The Job...

Moon should be coming today... and a moonday on Thursday... maybe I can will it to wait until Wednesday... mind over matter? mind over body?

Last night I was thinking about something JMS said two years ago to Guruji. He said "Thank you for teaching Tim Miller Ashtanga Yoga." The hard truth is that I probably won't get to go to India anytime soon. I can daydream about it but the cold harsh reality is that I'm a mother with two small children and a full-time job and there's simply no way on this planet I could ever justify to my husband going to India. Not only financially but time wise either with the kids or without. My experiences with Guruji have been enough to fill my soul and solidify my commit to the tradition and that's good enough for me. Never say never but, for now, I need to hang up the idea hat and put the hat rack in the closet.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:53 PM | Comments (2)

April 23, 2006

The Gift At The End

So, I had the brainwave last night as I sat at Souplantation that they sell those Starbucks Double Shot can things. Remember that it's only been recently that I've decided eating crap is okay, before, if it didn't exist at the health food store, we weren't having it. So, yea, I'm a little late to knowing about such thing as canned espresso. The problem is I don't really like espresso and, frankly, it's a really handy excuse to having some chocolate in the morning. I actually drink Yerba Matte 4 mornings a week and don't have any coffee but usually on Fridays and Saturdays and Sundays I have two shots of espresso with chocolate. So I bought some... and then I got up this morning and I made a cup of hot chocolate but with half the milk and then poured in the Double Shot... bingo... home Cafe Mocha. Ooooo this may be the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm actually considering getting up at 5am just to have a cup of coffee before practice. Someone please come and slap me if I actually do that.

I also took 800mg of Motrin an hour before practice.

Where the hell have I gone?

Practice today was really fun. It was just fun. I fell out of my second stand up... 3DStickman's wife started laughing... I turned around and stuck my tongue at her and she laughed out loud more. Just nice jovial, happy, loose, open practice. At the end, I managed to hold Utpluthi the whole count. Now this is fairly amazing to me since just last week ten breaths was my max. I was right in front of Tim and about halfway through when the extent of my amazement had landed itself right on my face, I looked at him... and he gave me one of those Tim looks. Those are the kinda looks where the message comes to you like 5 hours later. On Sundays Tim reads poetry to us during the first part of savasana. At first I was so so on the interruption of my quiet time but now I've come to treasure his selections and hearing him say them. Today's poem was amazing... I only wish I could remember one stanza.

This afternoon we all rode our bikes to the park. I sat on the grass the entire time longing to do some asana and feeling stupid for it. I ended up asking The Husband to demonstrate the jumping out of bakasana 'cause I still can't even begin to feel a way to ever do it. He did this wierd little lift up of his knees off his arms first, hovered, then effortlessly jumped back. You know, maybe I don't want him to do yoga ;) Maybe my ego couldn't handle it! Then I made dinner... two Sundays in a row... wow we're getting somewhere. I made this amazing red lentil soup with a green apple, celery, cilantro salsa. It was super easy to make too. After dinner The Daughter was teaching me yoga while we were listening to David Gariggues (I know I butchered that) CD... I knew she'd be moved by it.... after we were in the driveway playing and she came and sat with me and we literally YELLED singing all these versions of the following names: Rama, Hanuman, Ganesh, Sita, Jai Jai xxxx and various combinations... for awhile we were yelling Ram Ram Sita Ram and then whispering Hanuman...then Ram Ram GANESH (yelled)... finaly we ended up with this lengthy serenade that ended with soap, bubble bath, washcloth and bathtub. Why were singing to Hindu Gods and the bathtub I don't know. Anyway, it went on for quite a long time. It was one of those moments where you really feel what being a parent is all about... I really wanted the video camera, thought "Man, if I just had this to keep." It's when you realize that the most amazing moments, the ones that you'll always remember aren't the ones that you ever capture on video or media of any kind. Sure every now and again you get the most amazing picture of something but it's never like a moment when you know the dymnaic would completely change if you were in the vicinity of a camera. It was very cool.

I'm trying to convince myself not to type "and tomorrow it's back to work" Blah.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:16 PM | Comments (1)

April 22, 2006

There It Is!!!

Last night I could have gone to practice. I convinced myself that I was being a motherly type and coming home to hang with the kids or whatnot but, in reality, I just had a miserable, crappy ass week and so I wanted to let loose on myself. I had this huge glass of wine, didn't make dinner (we had macaroni & cheese from a box *hands head in shame*) and then I ate like 20 chocolate covered banana chips. I felt horrid when I got up this morning but I knew I'd be okay enough to practice by 10. I got up and was driving to The Son's baseball game when I thought "Hey, no caffeine today... that must be why I feel so crappy." So I stopped at Starbucks (ran into Dr. Mike, hey Dr. Mike!) and got the fix. Here Joey is hanging up the caffeine hat and I'm asking whether it comes in any other colors. Tonight I bought Starbucks Double Shot things... I'm gonna try those and see if they are any good for the days when I'm in need of some caffeine quickly ;) I'm a total drug addict. Scary.

I then took 800mg of Motrin and had some water. I have never a) taken that much Motrin at one time or b) ever taken anything when I wasn't pretty damn desperate with the exception of my hodgepodge and cupboard full of homeopathic, herbal, Ayruvedic, Native American, Chinese rememdies. I don't think arnica does work actually.

So when I got to practice I was a bit amped out. But it's fortunate that I get to be teacher's pet when Kiran is around and she does special stuff just for me (I also highly respect how she manages to make everyone else in the classroom feel that the pose, however effortlessly and impossible she makes them, is within their reach. She asked the class if they had anything they really wanted to do. I had just finished telling her how much I didn't want to do kapotasana yesterday and how, in part, the idea of practicing to kapotasana drew whatever discipline I left right out of me. When no one answered her she said "Julie? Kapotasna." Right Kapotasnana. I knew I was in trouble. Bless her heart, you can see Kiran's teacher in her teaching and so, when we did the anjaneyasana (or whatever it is), I knew she was really gonna throw in kapotasana. We did a whole bunch of cool stuff. I wondered today if I'll ever be able to put my arms straight in Bakasana due to my elbows... as soon as I push all the weight down on my wrists, boom, elbows pop all the way out. Kapotasana... oh kapotasana. If you get me in there I can actually feel some degree of comfort... Kiran cranked me out today... I think my fingers were halfway or more up my feet. I got up with little effort. I think did 5 dropbacks and standups... no issues. Isn't it wierd... how it can just change on an instant.

I watched a man become violent at the bookstore today... he actually scared me. I was holding a book called "God Makes The Rivers Flow" and it's basically poetry from all different religions about God. I wished I could have given it to him.

I Elizabeth is on... if you know me at all, you know that I'm totally stoked to watch it.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:52 PM

April 21, 2006

Speaking of Banana

I should probably stop blogging now while I still have some semblance of a reputation that doesn't involve the words "whining bitch" but that is exactly what I am right now so I might as well embrace it. I am living in PMS hell (I think) which is leaving the personal traits of compassion (for myself and others), patience and clear thought somewhere way out of my reach. I whirl in a pit of complete and utter dislike for how my life is currently panning out. Don't get me wrong, I fully own the responsibility to change it and I will... right now I can't see past the pure despair to get a handle on the path in front of me. It'll come, it'll come... my blog may just have to have some patience before it comes.

Funny that I posed about bananas last night when I've been working (okay, not real hard) on this blog layout that is, well, banana yellow. I don't know..it felt like spring to me.

The alarm went off this morning... actually twice... and the next time I was looking at 7:10am. I could barely rouse myself out of bed and that's the third or fourth time I've actually turned off the alarm without getting up. Sometime is clearly out of sorts not only mentally but physically (and I wish I could put my finger on it or it could be that I've forgotten to take my thyroid meds for about 5 days now... what an idiot I am). Fortunately, one of the lessons I learned during my time recovering from surgery is non-attachment to the physical practice to some degree. Believe me I'm still way attached but at least I can understand now that if I don't practice tomorrow, my mat will still be waiting for me the next day and the next... I did however teach Kids Yoga today. The kids were really willing and we drop backs today. It was really fun.

Last night I had this really strange experience that I have been processing. I was laying flat on my bed feeling my breasts. Not with my hands, just feeling how they feel. It is odd because they are still so foreign to me and one side in particular just does not feel right yet. I haven't blogged much about how the process of integrating these very foreign objects into my body has been of late. While my strength physically is coming back, they are still really wierd and I have found that they aren't "mine" yet... closer than I ever imagined them feeling but not really a whole part of me yet either. Anyway, as I was laying there I decided I really wanted to open up my back so I started going over the edge of the bed really, really, really slowly. I could feel the energy in my spine locking up and working it's way down as I slowly pushed the edge into my back forcing my shoulders open. I must have done this very slow progression for 15 minutes and then suddenly felt out of the safety zone and flew back up.... only I didn't realize how much blood had rushed to my head and I literally had a few minutes where I had no control over my brain (like when you took some drug and you suddenly wished you hadn't taken it but it's too late). It was really freaky and really demonstrated the power of intense focus and concentration that yoga can bring if you actually do yoga and not just asana.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:16 PM

Mhmmm.. Banana

... it's in here somewhere I swear. I'm hooked. Last night The Best Friend, D (aka 3dstickman) and I went out for Juanitas. Juanitas is this little hole in the wall Mexican shop that always has a crowd. It hasn't changed in the 15 years I've lived here although I think this was the first time I've actually eaten inside of it (in lieu of the table outside or the beach next door). On the way we stopped at Henrys for Vitamin Water and chocolate. I got some chocolate covered banana chips and, hot dog, are they good. No one else liked them but I think they are rad. They are just healthy enough (banana chips are healthy right... I think I'm becoming a softie, I even let The Spring Fairy give the kids a Spongebob Chocolate Egg) to make you feel okay eating them, sweet enough to make you want another one and just over the top enough to wake you up and yell "look at me, I'm sugar and horrible for your joints." I've eaten about 10 while I've been writing this one paragraph.

Today SUCKED. I just hated today. I think it is hormonal but I was just in a bad ass pissy mood today. So bad even I noticed it. I realized today at work that I hate having to listen to music all day. I tried to take the earbuds out for awhile but the attorney next to me was going off in Hebrew, the one on the other side was having a horrendously long discussion about the terms of a lease and when so and so was taking possession.... the other one, he had her door shut all day and I don't blame her. I have now given up on having any sanctity to actually think straight so I am debating whether I could listen to the whole Wall while writing code. I'm afraid I'd get pissed off if I got interrupted though. I even had a crappy practice... I went and started early and nothing felt right from the get go. I was just off. I didn't even try kapotasana or standing up from backbends...

The Daughter, however, had this wonderful art show at her school tonight. It was so beautiful. They studied Frida and did self portraits. Her portrait said she was born in the water, in a jacuzzi... on her brother's actual birthdate... Some other kids said things like they were born in 1938. A coupe of people were surprised when we said "No, she actually was."

I got that book recommended elsewhere The Omnivore's Dillemma... so far it rocks.

Tonight at The Daughter's art show a bunch of my yoga kids came up to me and started showing me poses. One told her mom from across the room 'That's my yoga teacher!!!!" All the parents came up to me and told me how much they like it and how wonderful its been and would I please find somewhere to teach it when school is done. That's really cool. I felt really good to be sharing the experience of yoga with them.

Today at practice The Husband poked his head in the door, came over and gave me a kiss. I was doing Ardha Baddha Paschimottanasana at the time and just kept doing it. I wasn't 100% sure when he stuck his head in what he was doing but drishte and all. So he came over and kissed my head and left. I sorta tripped out on that. He told me later he just never sees me anymore since I'm not at home and he misses me (a collective ah, it's okay I can hear it) and so he knew I'd be there and he was just finishing up at the gymn so he came to give me a kiss. I apologized for not stopping but he said no no that he didn't want me to stop or talk to him. Pretty wierd.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:24 AM | Comments (1)

April 19, 2006

The Physical

The alarm went off at 5:45 and I crawled out of bed. I had a quarter of a mind saying this is too much, just give up but the majority overruled and I managed to pull everything together (for you non-parents this means not only getting myself up and ready for practice, my bags packed for my shower after, my work clothes, my lunch, my briefcase packed, The Daughter's lunch for school, clothes for yoga, clothes for school, shoes, backpack, movies, DVD player, breakfast on the go (milk and a LUNA bar), blanket, favorite bear and shoes) and woke up The Daughter at 6:08, piled her into the car, Hello Kitty blanket and all... and even managed to get on my mat by 20 til... only 10 minutes late!

For some reason the room was hot when I walked in this morning... it's usually just warming up by the time I get there but today I was sweating on the 3rd Surya A ... which is really wierd for me. NIce though because it meant I didn't have to do a boatload of them to get warmed up. I don't even really remember the first part of the practice, I was just having a good time being back at the studio, having my teacher's energy in the room and feeling pretty open and happy just being there. I got a few great adjustments today and then came Mari D. I had the most amazing adjustment, aside from the GSpot Adjustment in Tulum, that I think I've ever had in that pose. Andrew sat in front of me, put one leg on my lotus leg and sorta around my body the opposite direction (I realize I'm not explaining this well) and then took my shoulder from the other side and really had me pulled all the way around. It was gnarly and it felt amazing. My next moment of consciousness was in Kapotasana... I wasn't sure about doing it and Tim was standing in front of me waiting. I really wanted to hem and haw but figured I shouldn't so I just went back, hard, I have no control... I got to my toes and he cranked me further, about halfway up my feet I think.... then he left... and I couldn't come out of it... I just couldn't even figure out how to get up. It's odd because the first few times I did that pose getting up was way easier than Laghu Vajrasana and suddenly I can't remember how to get out of it. I also can't remember how to stand up from a backbend. I did a whole bunch and still couldn't pull it off... I noted yesterday that if I walk my hands and feet as close together as they'll go I can't get up... that I need my hands back just a bit, for leverage maybe? No matter, today it wasn't happening. Tim said "What gives?" I said " I've lost it"... I think he told me to find it. I ended up doing dropbacks with Andrew... and wow what a difference. He gives you no help whatsoever and that really really really makes you feel your legs ground even more than coming up from backbends. He keeps his hands very lightly on your lower back but there is little help in assisted dropbacks.... during a couple I thought "Are you gonna help me do this?" I realized how wonderful this is for me.. how much it helps me.

The Daughter stayed in the other room the entire practice... she had said she wanted to practice but I think the room was too crowded for her (and she was watching Toy Story which helped). She had "hid" herself under her Hello Kitty blanket so no one (ie., Tim) could see her. When I was done, I uncovered her and discovered a little Ganesh next to her. I noticed that I instantly felt anger. I said "Where did you get that?" figuring she had taken it off the shelf. I was all set to reprimand her when she said "Tim came and gave it to me." The lessons of yoga happen more often off the mat than we care to realize.... I've always maintained that I would hear my children first before jumping to conclusions.... what a nice lesson it was to note the anger and then realize I didn't even give her a chance before I felt it. Practice more patience and all is coming.

Living out of a bag woes: I forgot my belt today and, as a result, I'm having to tug up my pants everytime I stand up.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:09 PM | Comments (3)

April 18, 2006

Two

I went to practice at the club today. Kiran was teaching the noon class. I started 20 minutes early and managed to be at Hanumanasana before the class actually started. In an effort to feel non rushed I did skip some postures. I've found that skipping just a few of the forward bends is okay for me and I make it through the whole practice without feeling like I have to be a speed demon. Kiran has been in Hawaii and has picked up some fun new adjustments while she's been there. However, the best part of today was Supta K. The rest of the class was doing led so when I went into Kurmasana I figured I was on my own. I got bound and crossed but the experience isn't the same as when you go into it via Dwi Pada first. Kiran got the class started on something and came over to help me. One leg then another and then she wasn't holding on anymore. It took me a few seconds to realize this and then out came "Hey, they are staying back there." "Yes, they are." So we go over and I expect them to slide off but they don't.... they stay there, behind my head, off the ground... bound... they stayed the whole time. I think I must have said out loud twice "Hey they are staying there." The hips finally showing some opening. Kiran had wanted to do some new adjustment on me in Laghu Vajrasana.... which actually did make it quite easy.... I went down and then she put her hand between my legs and up behind my hips... when I went to come up, she gently pulled me slightly forward (which I imagine is the same action that your body would be taking if you had more of a backbend in that pose rather than being straight back).. coming up was pretty easy. I have found that if I try to talk between Laghu Vajrasana and Kapotasana that I'm completely winded and can't catch my breath. It's like I just ran a mile or two... or maybe 5. Kapotasana was okay... I couldn't come up... just nothing in me.. I did a bunch of backbends but couldn't stand up. Kiran did assisted dropbacks with me... which are fine... but then I still couldn't pull off coming up. I swear I can't do it in that room. In the end, I finally managed one standup....

Work sucked today... I actually liked the work I did but, at one point I was really dealing with trying to architect something in my mind and all around me things were going on... people were talking, there was some tour going on where people stood and talked in front of my desk, the attorney in the office by me was swearing, his phone was ringing every 5 seconds (and why oh why would he put that lame ass song as his ringer)... I was trying to hard to concentrate and there were so many distractions... all I wanted to do was some handstands and, of course, I can't. I needed to clear out the crap in my brain so I could come up with a brilliant idea. I can't believe people who actually have to come up with shit can work in that environment... I just wanted to scream everyone shut the hell up. So much for peace, love and equanimity.

Thinking of taking The Daughter to practice in the morning. I haven't seen my teacher in like 2 weeks.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:04 PM | Comments (3)

Hells Bells

I listened to AC/DC on the way home. I was in a Hells Bells sorta mood... the beginning always reminds me of being like 8 and my sister was all into that song and I used to trip out on the whole church/hell concept. I had a really wierd day at work today. I learned that we have a developer on staff who works from home. I don't even want to begin to dissect all thoughts running around in my brain with regard to this but they definitely run the gamut.

I have kid duty unexpectedly for the next two days. This means practice is a slim chance. I've considered bringing The Daughter to practice with me on Wednesday. She'd either want to practice (which she did in Tulum) or I could prop her up in the other room with a DVD. I just can't decide if it's an insane selfish moment to consider getting her up at 6am and out the door by 6:15 to sit through a two hour practice before I drop her off at school. I might try it though... I'll never know unless I try it.

The Son has baseball games on Wednesdays now. I work in a pretty "professional" area so most parents have no problems taking off work to come to the baseball games which are at 4:00pm. I wonder if I'm gonna be able to do that every week. I think this will be The Son's last year at baseball. He's not the most athletic kid but, honestly, I just think he hasn't found his thing yet. He's interested in basketball suddenly... I wish we could have gotten him back up to Mammoth for snowboarding this year. I think he'd really dig that.

The Daughter is learning to walk over now in gymnastics. It's pretty amazing. She's totally into it. I think perhaps it is time to sign her up for something else. I think she may play soccer this coming year... I can't believe she's old enough to play soccer.

I've decided it's official... I have a shoe fetish. Too bad I can't buy any more shoes. I picked up a girl magazine for the train ride home and I fell in love with these. I'm 36... you'd think I could have figured this fetish out sooner!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:13 AM | Comments (2)

April 16, 2006

6s

Last night as my dad's 60th birthday. I had a bit too much wine... I told myself that was why I was staying in bed this morning. I did lots of things to convince myself it was something other than it was. But really it was just that I felt and feel like this horrendous, non-existent mommy in my children's lives and I knew that I couldn't practice today. Oh I tried to feel enough leverage towards selfishness right up until about 8pm tonight when I finally just caved in and accepted I wasn't going to practice. Here's the thing about not pracitcing asana. It isn't really that I don't think "Hey, a day off, no biggie... I've had a few days a week, so be it... it's there when it's there." It's that I think more about how skipping just one day, there's this noticeable hit on my discipline. Kinda like the first bite of chocolate... you always say it'll only be one bite. :)

Tonight I listened to David's new CD. If I haven't mentioned more fully in my other posts about practices up there in Seattle, I should now. I really enjoy the energy there. I really enjoy the quiet and inspirational message that David sends. I love the new house. I love the peace in the room of the practitioners there. I picked up a couple of his CDs while I was up there but haven't had a chance to listen to it until now. Well, I've had a chance but I've been a bit pre-occupied with all these groovy bands ;) I really loved this CD too. Well at least the songs I listened to. Is that David singing? I don't know where the actual CD cover went, I tend to lose those after I rip them. I know, too, that The Daughter is going to love the Sita Ram Hanuman song. I can't wait to play it for her.

The kids got up at 5:45ish... we left a little note in front of their door that instructed them to find eggs which had clues to their Spring Fairy basket. The Son must have walked by his 5 times before he found it. He was so excited and so all over. I think they still really buy into it. I'm a little shocked about The Son in that respect but very glad nonetheless. They both had written a letter to the Spring Fairies last week so the Fairies were quite sure on just what they wanted. I hate to say it but if you're gonna give your kids a gift, it is really satisfying to see them get just what they wished for. There's something magical for the parent about that. We then went to see Ice Age The Meltdown which was quite cute The theater had just switched to digital movies and, I have to say, it was pretty amazing. The animation was wonderous.

I made a big huge dinner tonight. Paella. We said our blessing which we used to say everynight and have suddenly found it being something we only have time for on holidays. That sucks. We used to do family meeting night once a week... we're always running around now trying to fit in "life" in 2 short hours a day. We did that tonight too.... then we went for a really long walk... down trails we used to go down everyday when The Son was an only child... we marveled at the trees and the growth... it was amazing... sometimes it is wild that we've lived in this house over 10 years... I guess I just never expected to be here where we are that long.

LA tomorrow. I also tried to feel un guilty enough that I could drive up to LA tonight, see JJSSI, practice iwth N&K tomorrow morning... but I knew I couldn't do that either. It's just not fair to them. Tonight during family meeting night, The Daughter asked me if I could work from home again :( Hey, at least The Son said he didn't care ;-&

Rock on.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:30 PM | Comments (1)

April 14, 2006

The Drive Thru

The Husband went surfing this morning. That's two days in a row I've fit in my practices rather than just went to practice. I know I can't keep demanding all the morning hours "just because I work now." It sucks but there ya go. I have way more discipline when I'm at the studio at 6:30am than if I let practice go til later in the day. Originally I was gonna go to Intro to Second but that got blown out of the water with all the rain that started coming down (way too hard to make it there on time with that traffic), then I thought about doing the PAC first series but in the end went early, was gonna do my own practice... stood at the front of my mat, said the invocation, did half a sun salutation, stretched this way then that... did I feel like I could practice? no... it's okay I don't have to practice.. yes you do you do you do... no, I can just go home and have two glasses of wine instead... afterall I practiced on a moonday, bad lady, I should just take this one off.

And so I did...

I decided instead that I would sit tonight. I like to do this meditation where you let each thought come, you explore it, explore it until you suddenly realize you aren't exploring it anymore.... then you move on to the next thought. Anyway, I had this really wonderful insight into something I've been feeling lately... about the practice. Nice.

Today I had a really wierd day at The HH. I got asked out to lunch. Literally no one knows who I am in that office. Yesterday some lady in the bathroom says to me "Do you work here at FirmX? I see you all the time in the bathroom so I just wondered." Why, yes, yes I do work here... The day before this secretary brought over some new secretary to introduce her to me and she says something along the lines of "This is Julie, she doesn't do what we do here, she, some IT thing... she sits way back here and no one ever talks to her. I mean, we just never see her." Now there is the introduction that I've been waiting for my entire career! No offense to them... I mean, it's true that's the sad part. It led me to realize that one of the things I'm really feeling right now is like a sell out. For many years I felt like I was part of the change I want to see... Mothering, working, wifing, yoging.... I had it all and it was good and I was proof that families could do it and it could work. Now I just feel like another sell out... a part of that subculture of work and work socialism... trapped in a fire.

I hope the sun comes back.. this whole rain thing, it really really sucks...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:22 PM | Comments (4)

April 13, 2006

Silver I See?

One of the good things about being reverted back to the world of having to fit in your practices (as opposed to the pre HH days of knowing that was just part of my day) is that I'm also starting to remember the joy in self practice occassionally. I'm so blessed to be here and have my teacher here but, in the days before I had grown to having a practice there, I often did a self practice. Actually, every Sunday I did. I really really enjoyed yesterday afternoon and I'm wondering if maybe I'm in a place where that's what I need. Maybe... it really resonated with me. On the other hand, I've also had a wonderful insight into just how much I respect the quiet teaching method of my teacher. He opens up the space with his energy and that's all there is. The rest is you and the mat and your practice. Sometimes, in classes I've gone to, there's just too much talking... too much pull your front xyz muscle this way and pull your some internal organ to the sky stuff. That kinda stuff I just don't get and it's not that it's bad or that I'm casting judgment it's just this real definitive understanding of myself and how I function. Other people function entirely differently... cool. But, anyway, I used to really love practicing alone, here or there, at the gym or by the beach... I might try that again sometime. It takes a lot of discipline to practice on your own. I have so much respect for those people who do this practice of Pattabhi Jois' Ashtanga Yoga and they aren't blessed with a place to practice at all... like no teachers... no adjustments to depend on.... only your mind to keep you on this path and practice. That's pretty cool.

Tonight when I got home we made dinner and we decided to take a family walk around the block. The Son then decided he wasn't going and as soon as The Daughter walked outside and her little friend next door was out, she didn't want to go. The Husband and I, however, perserved and decided to go anyway (don't worry, the neighbors were watching the children). It was nice.. really nice.. The sun is here... it's so invigorating. Who can't just feel that much better about life when the sun is out and we blissfully drink it in? I love the sun...

This week has been spring break. The Daughter has had 4 playdates. The Son has had one. The Husband thinks that The Son feels "badly" that The Daughter has so many. It's just so much easier with The Daughter and I'm not sure I know why. I think, mostly, it is because you know the other parents so well. In elementary school, I couldn't pick out the parents of the kids in The Sons class if you lined them up in front of me. It's also really hard for us to do playdates at our house and reciprocate since I'm not here anymore and that would leave The Husband with working and the kids all by himself. The Daughter is also just a total social butterfly and all the little kids in her class always want her around. The Son is much more internal and introspective and, frankly, sometimes happier playing alone. We often worry about this. In fact, it terrifies me... I feel somehow like I've failed. At what I don't know... hell I'm the same way... but that's the feeling nonetheless.

The Daughter and I have a little routine at night. I always say to her "Did I tell you today that you are ...." and I list a bunch of things I can think of. Sometimes she helps me like the time she whispered "best gymnastics star" but usually they are things like "you are the smartest, funniest, strongest..." It's always fun to listen to the ones she asks me to include. When she says I didn't tell her then, of course, I have to say them all again. It's very important to practice this procedure so that you don't get any of them out of order (for that reason you tend to make up a little song about it in your head for remembrance). I thought it was beautiful when The Daugher tried it on me ... and she said "Did I tell you today that you are the best yoga mommy, silliest, cook Mommy today"

I practiced today... it's a moonday... bad lady. I don't even know exactly why I practiced today... I just felt like I should take it while I could. It was sort of unusual because the class only had one person show up and I started 1/2 hour early. So it was sorta a Mysore practice... but really it was like a private lesson. The teacher led the other person who had never done ashtanga I think through first series up to Navasana... I did my practice. I have figured out, however, that if I only have lunch hour, I need to remove some stuff so I'm actually skipping a lot of the forward bends in first series. One paschimottanasana, ardha badha, trianga, one Janu Shirsana, Mari A, B & D and then the rest of first. Just skipping those really helps time wise. It sorta sucks but it works. I couldn't do any standups today again. No idea. I felt so bad for the lady in the class though because it must be wierd to show up to a class and there's no one else there. She was really amazing though... Janu C, no problem, first ashtanga class.

In music news... I was in full 80s rocker mode. I listened to Motley Crue, Guns & Roses, AC/DC, Metallica. I was saving Pink Floyd for the bath or jacuzzi tonight. When it came down to it, I intended to find some song to listen to but I decided I wasn't done with Wish You Were Here so I listened to that again. The Sky Diamond thingy song came on right after...what an amazing song! I loved that one.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:53 PM | Comments (2)

April 12, 2006

Mover Over Zep

Holy Batman Robin... Pink Floyd is awesome!!!! I had a near holy experience just listening to them.

...

Perhaps I should have been born in the 60s (well, technically I was but it doesn't really count being the last few months of it and all).

...

Somethings been gnawing at me all day. Earlier, while at work, a partner walked up to me and began asking me questions regarding one of the attorneys. Because I don't have an office and I sit in a secretarial cube, more and more of this is happening. Is so and so available? Are they in a conference? Do you know if so and so is on the phone. I've been really wondering why this is bothering me so much. I hate to say the words "Well, I don't deserve to be treated like a secretary... I've worked too hard to be a professional." Because really I don't feel that way...secretaries work their asses off. I know, I did that too. After a lot of soul searching this evening I discovered, I think, what it is... it's that whole balance thing again. I used to live in a world where everyone was equal. In trying to teach your children about equality, you tend to be equal. I've forgotten what it's like to live in a world where the good old boy in the suit, dark wood paneled walls is the guy who starts at the top... and everyone, the female lawyer, the gay lawyer, the black lawyer, the this lawyer, the that lawyer, to the "lowly" paralegals, to the file clerks, to the copy clerk... they get treated with that disrespect. I just happen to rail against it because I've been out of this world for so long. I either accept it or I don't -- we all know swimming upstream only goes so far before those big heavy mahogany doors just close. Frankly, I'm not sure I can but we'll see. No more talking.... (or whining).... more doing.

After the mesmerizing experience with Pink Floyd, I read Light on The Sutras... WOW... I don't think I've read the sutra on asana before (or perhaps I just wasn't paying attention because I'm sure I've read the whole thing before).. what a wonderful explanation. WOW.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:51 PM | Comments (4)

McKapotasana

The alarm went off this morning at 5:55. It's the same time it goes off every morning. I thought I had it in me to ignore my child when she asked if I would be home in the morning but I didn't.... so I turned off the alarm, tossed and turned for awhile, got up and got ready for The Office (hereafter known as The HH -- if you have to ask...). I got to see my kids, kiss them goodbye and then feel like a schmuck for skipping out on practice. I packed a bag with the idea of practicing on the balcony at lunch. The sun shines there and I thought it would be okay but the closer it got the more I realized how inappropriate that would be plus I couldn't figure out how to get the door to the balcony open and I didn't want to have to ask and explain myself. Taking advantage of the situation I drove over to GameStop to pick up something for the kids for their Spring Baskets (Yes, I missed Ostara this year.... add it to the list of crappy things that have happened to my children since I started at The HH... we're hoping they don't remember that the Spring Fairies don't come when the Easter Bunny comes).... as I was getting out of the car my children were crossing the parking lot with The Nanny. The Daughter said "Mommy please eat lunch with us," so how could I refuse even though they were having a special treat of the Mc-Worst-Place-On-Earth. Groan.

After a stressful living in a beta world afternoon, I got stuck and needed help from The Powers That Be (read Microsoft) and called it a day. I planned to stop at the pool, see the kids and then go make Lentil Couscous for dinner. As I was watching The Daughter dive to the bottom of the deep end The Husband says "Hey did you see that guy over there?" I turn and look at J doing Karandavasana on the patio.... ah... yoga... in the sun... I felt the itch.

So I joined him.... and it was nice. I only had like 40 minutes so here was my practice of asana:

2 As
3 Bs
Standing up to second series break then
Ardha Badha Paschimottanasana
Mari B
Mari D
Kurmasana
Supta Kurmasana
Garbha Pindasana
Baddha Konasana
Konasana
Pasasana
Krounchasana
Shalabasana
Dhanurasana
Ustrasana
Laghu Vajrasana
Kapotasana

Between all of the first series sides I did Padma Mayruasana ( modified for my inability to put pressure on the breasts so I do it with my hands turned forward and my elbows more to the side)... Krounchasana was amazing today... simply amazing... Jump throughs... perfectly silent (this happened for me yesterday too... more on this later)... feet lifted at the end... Kapotasana I asked J to help me... back to my hands... to my feet then he got me up on the tops of my feet and my fingers grazed my heels, elbows all the way down and in.

3 backbends... to standing... 5 dropbacks... woah, my quads were burning...

Then in closing I was called by the kids and had to go .. no savasana for me today... later...

I am so happy I did that. It was so nice to get that in.. my body feels awesome right now.. my soul calm. I LOVE practicing in the sun... it makes me think I should do it more often. It rocked. I had to get past people looking at me but, after a few minutes, I was just in my place and it didn't matter (to me anyway).

I used to notice, pre-surgery, that if I could do something late in the day, such as silent jump throughs, that it was coming... it just wasnt' happening at 7am... but that it meant it was there in the wings developing. I'm sorta hoping that's the case now too. I know it doesn't matter... believe me I've grown accustomed to the idea that the practice isn't physical since surgery... but part of me is excited about not worrying over skinning my feet! And part of me wonders if this means I really do have bandhas in there somewhere.

The plan tonight is try Pink Floyd which my gracious benefactor, C#1, provided me with this morning.... I'll report on the outcome later!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:09 PM | Comments (1)

April 11, 2006

Wise Up

I meant to talk a bit about how, when I first laid down my mat in yoga today I was looking out the big window overlooking the family pool and I saw 3 neighbor wives with all the kids out... spring break... ah.... I felt myself becoming so sad about this. I can't even take my kids to the pool anymore! There's no balance.... and then I practiced and I came home and I chatted with the neighbor wife next door and I felt some semblance of normal... of course, instead of flip flops and sweats I had on 3 1/2 inch heels, trousers and a shirt but, still... interacting socially in the neighborhood, doing fun things, being a mother, having a career... I had all those things. Yes, I recognize I'm still whining. I think it has to work itself out in my head. One of those things that you know one day, after you've hissed and moaned and beaten up yourself (and all your readers) over, you'll just wake up one day and there it is.

I have this hidden secret. I read a lot of historical fiction. In particular, anything concerning medieval England. I don't read romances but books that are based on historical fact and the pieces in between are fabricated or well written biographies (I particularly like Alison Wier's). After having a little "normal life" outing this afternoon, I was really happy to come home to another little bright spot... a book I pre-ordered about a year ago had arrived on my doorstep... hooray.

After that I found a bit more normalcy by finally making dinner for my family... we even all sat together at the table... it's been way too long since we did that. I was very proud of myself. It's hard to work in an office all day and then come home to more "work" -- it used to be fun... all just part of the day not all of it.

I did Laghu Vajrasana tonight after a really hot bath. I did it a bunch of times, going further down and further down. I was really trying to lift through my chest. The Husband always wants to know why I do yoga after dinner... I have no idea... I think I'm always doing yoga. While I was doing it Aimee Mann came on the shuffle. So, in honor of my friend C#1:

On the iPod tonight:

It's not
What you thought
When you first began it
You got
What you want
Now you can hardly stand it though,
By now you know
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

You're sure
There's a cure
And you have finally found it
You think
One drink
Will shrink you 'til you're underground
And living down
But it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

Prepare a list of what you need
Before you sign away the deed
'Cause it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
So just...give up

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:24 PM | Comments (1)

Kapotasana

As much as I fought it in my head, I couldn't stop the fact that Monday came and with it, this darned work thing. Yes, yes, bitch, bitch, moan, moan.... it's my freakin' blog and I'll cry if I want to. I managed to get up and practice on Monday morning... it was painful. My body is so stressed, my mind so overloaded with discomfort that I was physically unable to perform, mentally unable to meditate... I struggled through the first part of the practice... I sort had a coming to moment somewhere in the middle and then lost it again at Laghu Vajrasana... I tried Kapotasana... tried is the operative word.... I didn't even try to come up from backbends.... for some reason this niggling fear or doubt crept in and I just did 3 backends and called it a day.

The day only got worse when I got to work and The Husband called. Things aren't looking good when someone calls you and says "Are you sitting down?" As it turns out we owe so much in taxes that, coupled with the surgery expenses I'm still paying off, we, for the first time in our married lives, have massive debt that we can't pay. We can't pay it. It sucks. I hate myself for doing this to my family (yes I realize that is silly)...

So this morning I was just hoping for a way to get my body back. With Kiran gone, Michelle was subbing and I wasn't sure how she'd feel about me doing Mysore while there was a led class going on. At first she was resistant but she let me do it anyway. I was having a great practice all by my little self.... the body felt open, the mind was empty... I was in my spot.... Michelle helped me here and there... Kapotasana... to my toes on my own but I couldn't pull off coming up... I was so out of breath I was panting. I talked to Michelle about it briefly...that by the time I get there, I'm spent... I've done all of first series by then and my quads are burned out, my energy is lower than it was earlier on... I guess that is part of the practice and why we do it this way... it's called building up stamina... I will get there and, in the meantime, if I was meant to be able to do kapotasana from the get go, I'd already have been doing kapotasana, know what I mean. I'm quite content to sit here and work on it for awhile.

As I laid down for backbends the teacher said "No Supta Vajarasna?" I said "No, Tim hasn't given it to me?" She said "I'm giving it to you for today... it's a nice counter pose to Kapotasana." Interesting because she's the third person to tell me that and the second person to tell me that many other teachers give you both of these poses at the same time. I have to admit that it did make a huge difference in how my back felt after.

I have found that the further along in the practice I go, the more the need/want/desire/thought of "moving on" dissipates. There's so much work to be done just where I am...

I got to backbends and I just couldn't stand up. I have no idea why. It's like I forgot how. I tried 6 times... I could do it with help and then couldn't do it on my own. I finally decided that having the mirror behind me was confusing me (I hate practicing with mirrors) so I turned around and, with a lot of effort, finally stood up. I somehow don't think the mirror was the fear... I think I've just reverted into fear with all the stress in my life.

This week is spring break. It's the first spring break of my parenting career where I haven't been able to plan something fun... and today is spectacular out... and here I sit in an office, with recirculated air, and, yes, I realize I shouldn't be blogging from here but there is such a thing as lunch. ;) I feel sorry for my kids.. they don't have a mother anymore.

My email box continues to fill up with Led Zeppelin suggestions... this is fun! Apparently Pink Floyd is supposed to be my next discovery (yes, I've never listened to Pink Floyd either).

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:10 PM | Comments (3)

April 9, 2006

Genki Ka?

Since I publically outed myself as being completely beyond the likes of any civizled American person when I admitted my ignorance of Led Zeppelin, my email box has been getting nice little song suggestions.. My friend told me to listen to Kasmir but I was saving that for another time based on his recommendation. Someone recommended the Rain Song, the Always Goes On Song (I have no idea what their real names are)... but the iPod shuffle setting picked Misty Mountain something and I have to say, wow, that's the song of the week! The Husband was laughing at me tonight as he heard me playing it. I had played All Of My Love in the car this afternoon and was surprised, for what reason I don't know, when he was singing along to it. I sometimes forget that my husband is nearly 10 years older and this is the stuff he grew up on... long haired, skateboarding, OP-wearin' 70s dude. He was telling me stories about his older brother (now a partner at a very very large international law firm) was totally into Led Zeppelin when they were younger. He's finding it relatively funny to be hearing all this Led Zeppelin from his "hate all the hippy shit" wife. He mentioned that he wouldn't be surprised if he started hearing Neil Young (I think that's who he said) and the Crosby, Stills people....

In asana notes, I was thinking today how the last 3 or 4 times I've done bakasana I've felt relatively okay in it. After dinner I was standing by the table while The Husband finished and I was doing Bakasana. I realized that it actually doesn't feel horrible to do it anymore but I really cannot figure out how to jump out of it. No one ever talks about it because, well, everyone can usually do it.. but I can't. I don't get it.

I'm in such denial about "going back to work" on Monday (that's tomorrow) that I haven't even packed. This means that at 6am I will be running late, then I'll be stressed which will impact my practice. Reason # 3245252352 why the office sucks. I am truly whining on and on about it, aren't I? Well the answer hasn't popped itself in front of my blind eyes yet... Actually I hope the studio is open at 6:30... that would really suck if it weren't.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:45 PM | Comments (4)

April 8, 2006

No Colin Firth

Just through watching the new Pride & Prejudice. No female human can possibly be above the lure and romance of the original PBS Pride & Prejudice and, let's face it, any male actor would have a hard time pulling off Mr. Darcy. However, good Lord, the guy who played Mr. Wickham was hot and Mr. Darcy, the new one, well, I'd take him ;)

Yesterday I had so much to do. A glaring example of the non-existent balance in my life. When I got home from LA on Thursday night, the house was silent, the car was in the garage but no family, no lights, no fullness of life when I walked in the door. As it turns out I was completely unaware of the fact that The Son's school open house was that evening... the rest of the family was there, mother was missing. I can't begin to tell you the degree of guilt and sorrow this brings me. Not only was I so busy that I was completely unaware of it but it's a glaring example of just how out of control I am. Pre-Office, this would never have gone off my calendar.

Friday morning The Son had a school play, Bugz. The Son also had a presentation on the kimodo dragon, The Daughter had to be at school at 9, yoga was at 12:30... oh and, yea, I had that pesky work thing to do. This left no time for a practice but I decided I had to fit one in anyway. It's was probably pointless, it was probably one of the worst practices I've ever had. I was so stressed, so unhappy that my entire body was in completely and total revolt against my soul. From the first Sun Salutation to Savasana, I was completely incapable of performing, of meditating, of feeling. Kapotasana... ha... I couldn't even graze my feet and for the first time, it felt really really horrible. I managed to stand up once and then decided I should call it quits. The Bugz play was great... it's amazing to see the interaction of children and how, in second grade, you can almost certainly pick out the jocks, the cheerleaders, the brains.

Practice will be hard to come by.. it's a camp out weekend which means I would need childcare... but perhaps Intro to Second tomorrow.

Last night I watched Guru again with Tiff. At one point, Guruji is saying that the students job is obedience. A student does not ask questions... only do... do what you are told to do. I had this revelation about where I am a student... how we don't ask questions... how if we did the answer would usually be something along the lines of "let's try it again" -- just do, don't ask. It was one of the moments that you realize you are in the right place at the right now.

I mentioned to The Husband the other night about how I feel yoga has brought me to the here and now and how sometimes I'm unable of just shooting the shit about stuff that isn't likely on our radar screen anytime in the near future... I was happy that he said he fully understood what I meant. The Husband took yoga with Kiran the other day. I was interested by the fact that he didn't tell me for a good few hours after I got home... he told me almost as a side comment right before we went to sleep. I was very interested in what he thought but, of course, I was really trying to maintain a detachment to it. I was surprised at how hard that was. He told me tha the was still processing his experience, that he'd been thinking about it ever since. I wasn't and still am not sure how to take this. He did say that he would be more inclined to continue going if the timing wasn't so bad for him.. class out at 1:30 and The Daughter has to get picked up at 2pm... this doesn't really leave enough time to get from one to the other.

I bought a new pair of shoes today. Actually I exchanged a pair I had bought a month ago. They are really beautiful... Michael Kors.. huge heel... I think I'm becoming a shoe whore.

On the iPod:

Kashmir, Led Zeppelin (Thanks to my friend, C, who, in his infinite patience, has provided me with the introduction and continued enjoyment of Led Zeppelin).

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:18 PM | Comments (2)

April 6, 2006

Timeless

This blog is actually pretty cool... With the outing of an original crunchy granola reader outed to join mamakat, why, it reminds me of how this blog is really a life change documented. On my back is the tattoo with Atma [realized self/soul], Wife/Mother/Yogini ... It's pretty wild when you reminsce about the path of being a parent. This blog started before my first yoga class, when I was really in the throes of those times at as a parent of infants when you just have to say "I am not me, I am here solely for them and nothing else matters." No matter what those of you without children think there simply are times when you have to do that, in fact, early on, there are a lot of those times. Finding the ability to give yourself over to that, release all that makes you you, you really strip away just so much of your bullshit. It's one of the most special things about children... they provide you the opportunity to see a window to yourself. What I've realized as I've traveled on the path of parenting is that everyone's journey to that space is just somewhat different. We all bring our own baggage into the mix, our needs to get across to our children about what is important. At some point we realize we have to let go and we have to let them be but, for now, we also recognize the job that being a parent is. Really cool.

I had a revelation tonight... I needed to think about the answer to a question someone asked me so I decided to take a bath and think on it... when choosing music from the iPod I came across Led Zeppelin. I'm ashamed to admit it but I've never really listened to Led Zeppelin. Wild I know but I haven't. I came across it on my iPod and so I decided to try it. I had no idea what song to pick since I know nothing about Led Zeppelin so I just let it randomly choose and i have to say, holy cow... WOW... they rock. I don't know what the song was but it was so absolutely perfect for the moment. I'm not even sure I understood the lyrics. So, I've left it on all this time and the one thing I've noticed is that you'll be listening and then you realize like 5 minutes later you are still istening to the same song. Really cool.

Long train ride home, forgot my phone so I was bored to death. The man who sat next to me had terrible flatulence and I found myself getting near angry. I wanted to turn and shout at him "What the hell dude, that's sick!" but instead I held my tongue. It made me think about just how frustrated I was. I can't remember being like that before I started working "for real" again. I guess I sorta looked at life pre-Office as really great. I mean Life Was Good. I did yoga, I worked, I had children, I was a parent, it all melded together, I got everything done, I felt good about it all and I was really balanced. Now all of that has to fit around working and there is no balance. I don't have enough time for anything else. I haven't even cooked a meal in weeks. Seriously, weeks. And that's the crux of it. It's not that I care really about where I work (meaning whether I'm in my closet or a corner office) it's just that I have no balance. Is it possible to have that balance when you have to be somewhere other than in your life for 8 hours everyday? I'm not sure it is. In fact, I'd venture to guess this is the crux of half the ills with society. There's no balance. Really not cool.

On The iPod:

Led Zeppelin

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:38 PM | Comments (5)

Google Search

I don't check my hit logs very often but I was looking for how someone found me on the 'Net and so I did a little looking... in the process I checked out my keyword analysis... I thought you might find it as fascinating as I did:

facing inward
4 2.70% drunk moms - exists in every log I've ever looked in...
3 2.03% evil disney
3 2.03% chatarunga
3 2.03% high needs baby
3 2.03% stills murmur
2 1.35% capsular contrature
2 1.35% straight legs
2 1.35% stills heart murmur
2 1.35% ipod vs iriver
2 1.35% site:blogs.ashtangi.net alignment parivritta trikonasana
2 1.35% vacation shots
2 1.35% pink cowboy boots
2 1.35% the pediatrician spun my baby in a circle - and you are worried why?
2 1.35% fejoas jam
1 0.68% indian yoga
1 0.68% fighting bigotry
1 0.68% echogenic cardia foci - look how diverse a blog I have
1 0.68% transcendental meditation hives cure
1 0.68% ashtanga morning girl - I get this frequently too... is this a special type of girl, I've always wanted to be special
1 0.68% my calf got a cramp but now it feels like i pulled something - dude, can totally relate
1 0.68% purvottasana
1 0.68% hives reiki - tried it, it didn't work
-- deleted because it was sick
1 0.68% mind storm touch sensor
1 0.68% anthony carlisi
1 0.68% questionaire for brand shoes
1 0.68% teaching surya namaskara
1 0.68% post op ts
1 0.68% bhekasana
1 0.68% i'm ready
1 0.68% ashtangi fiw
1 0.68% fear of being put to sleep for surgery - yea that was scary
1 0.68% discpline
1 0.68% buzz lightyear picture
1 0.68% repressed anger - solution: do yoga
1 0.68% better late than never better safe than sorry
1 0.68% blog effect
1 0.68% sun salutation poses for toddlers - easy.. .just show 'em they love it
1 0.68% manduka toronto
1 0.68% facing bitch - sometimes I likely am
1 0.68% neiman-marcus robot blurb
1 0.68% wear cowboy boots to school
1 0.68% overeaters anonymous/why do i eat to feel better?
1 0.68% elemental embrace blogs
1 0.68% pc5220 aircard sony install - FYI, I never did get it to work
1 0.68% echogenic heart
1 0.68% tom's of maine anti-perspirant - FYI, it IS impossible to get
1 0.68% skin stretching
1 0.68% nudeyoga - wouldn't be so pretty but, eh, to each his own
1 0.68% yoga breast implants - it can work....
1 0.68% the body a vessel - absolutely
1 0.68% sql backbends - now there are two words I never thought I'd see together
1 0.68% 2nd brain
1 0.68% seren rose
1 0.68% high school california kedis - interesting... I knew a guy with that name
1 0.68% goth beauty - I was...
1 0.68% elbows hyperextend - badly
1 0.68% high-needs babies
1 0.68% models with nipples - well don't most models have those?
1 0.68% how fattening is yoga ? - hahaha I didn't know it was
1 0.68% hashtable, vba - eh... you should look at my other blog
1 0.68% yogi toes
1 0.68% put tape over a piercing before surgery - they wouldn't let me but good luck
1 0.68% wine in nightclubs
1 0.68% alloderm breasts - mine are lovely thank you
1 0.68% aryveda
1 0.68% atlanta yoga - Todd is great go see him
1 0.68% cant do chatarunga - keep trying
1 0.68% ways sarah is changed in the book holy cow
1 0.68% gwen stefani ashtanga yoga
1 0.68% ~julie
1 0.68% hurt my back doing backbends - don't we all? just kidding... practice is the answer
1 0.68% kurmasana pose
1 0.68% second child syndrome
1 0.68% ashtangi fiw hair long
1 0.68% go braless - I can now..see above entry
1 0.68% head shoulders knees and toes, torque that body right across the floor lyrics - that's a new one
1 0.68% vba hashtable
1 0.68% pictures of hands in mudra with henna tattoo
1 0.68% i love smn - smn, you've got an admirer
1 0.68% how can i know what is a good thyroid number - all depends on the lab
1 0.68% am i a co-dependent? - if you gotta ask...
1 0.68% high needs babys
1 0.68% backbend old pic
1 0.68% 9''nails
-- removed for gross factor
1 0.68% surrogacy tanya
1 0.68% disney evil
1 0.68% verizon card is incompatible with the sony laptop - apparently it is
1 0.68% headstand to drain ear fluid
1 0.68% chopping long hair
1 0.68% funky salutation
1 0.68% bad food hypothyroidism
1 0.68% bad omens
1 0.68% sensory integration encinitas
1 0.68% abhaya necklace
1 0.68% how to pay a plumber - I think they like cash
1 0.68% splitting headache when fall down snowboarding - no shit!
1 0.68% asp.net populate word templates - works well with some bugs... email me if you 'd like more
1 0.68% solstice 108 sun salutations - really fun experience
1 0.68% every other day fast
1 0.68% decent clothes
1 0.68% clayton naturopathic - diploma farm
1 0.68% nuclear families
1 0.68% is classless society possible? - probably not
1 0.68% sony laptop verizon 5220 - see above
1 0.68% overeaters anonymous blogs
1 0.68% alloderm recall - bummer, eh?
1 0.68% worst thing youve ever done --- muahahahahah
1 0.68% srf india
1 0.68% wierd
1 0.68% cut my ponytail off pictures
1 0.68% best friend connection fighting friendship
1 0.68% charlie bottle blog palm desert pictures

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:31 PM | Comments (5)

Bliss

I've been really considering the word bliss lately. I always feel way up in the sky after doing second series. I can a definitive difference on the days that I don't do any of second. I spend good portions of the day just noticing that I'm, well, noticing. It's like a constant high and I mean that in the sense of those times when you took some drug with the hopes of expanding your consciousness. Wild! Is this this nerve thing? It's almost so subtle you don't notice it but it's pretty cool.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:34 AM | Comments (5)

April 5, 2006

Today?

So doing Vasisthasana on Monday night, three versions (first leg down, then foot to upper thigh then the full version) and being adjusted in it just might not have been the smartest move on the planet. There is a reason that is a third series pose and there is a reason I'm not practicing third series at this point. Trust in the system. My entire right side, by my breast in particular is screaming in agony... I literally self-massaged nearly the whole day yesterday. It's the first time I've felt a real "fear" of injuring myself since surgery... the first time I guess I didn't back off when it was appropriate to back off but my excuse is I didn't realize it at that time. I'm hopeful it is really just muscles I've never seen before and it will eventually dissipate into a faded memory.

So when I got to practice yesterday at noon for Kiran's first class at the club I was a bit bummed. My body felt horrible, the air conditioner was on *groan* and my back was super tight from the right side being all jammed up. It may or may not be a good thing to have a teacher who reads your blog ;-) I had told myself that in order to fit in my practice I should stop at Supta K. I wanted to stop there because, frankly, I wanted Kiran's adjustment into Dwi Pada and knew I'd get it. After I was done, however, I just didn't want to let go of first series so I moved on.... when I got to Konasana I hear Kiran say "Enough first move to second." With a sigh I moved into Pasasana... through second, Laghu Vajrasana wasn't so bad if I moved my hands just slightly up, not quite on the calf but not all the way down by my heels either. Kiran missed it but the girl next to me saw me do it properly and so I got away with it! :) Kiran had me try kapotasana but my back was super tight and the air conditioner was blowing cold air on me.... usually I can get my feet by myself with my elbows down but I felt like it was all jacked up in there. Kiran got me there and then told me to do a straight armed version coming out... which felt like hell. She then had me move through to Eka Pada... My legs aren't ready to stay behind my head yet... need more open hips... more first series. Backbends sucked. My body was all cooled down from the air conditioner and what tapas I had generated on my own were fleeting. I managed to stand up a few times and drop back but my back felt horrendous....

So it was with no surprise that during a very large business dinner last night I felt my right side, all the way down to my sacrum, cinching up and complaining. It was like a vice going from the edge of my right breast, wrapping around and down. It sucked.

So when I got up for practice this morning I was a bit worried. My first sun salutation was painful.... I was determined to get through them though I ended up right under the heater again so only did 3 and 3. I was trying to remove my brain from the equation and focus on drishte instead... I had fleeting moments of clarity in which I thought "man, this practice is going to suck" but instead it was a fairly netural and standard practice for me. Tim came around and watched me in some pose, can't remember which and I explained that I was having a lot of pain on my one side... he asked why... I explained that I had been in a led class and did that first 3rd series pose and "there's a reason it is a 3rd series pose." He walked away but came back later in Mari D to help me get twisted and it really relieved some of the pressure... there's a reason he's my teacher. I was relatively surprised when Supta K came along and I was bound hand to hand, cross legs all by myself... I was really concentrating on what Kiran told me yesterday about trying to flatten out the "hump" in my back.. but that hump is natural, I've had it forever, I can remember the doctors making a big deal about it as a child and whether I had MS or not.... I wonder if that will ever work out... it is definitely better than when I started yoga though. With a Supta K triumph, I found some energy for the rest of first series and then moved into second. I'm still having a hard time rolling over the implant into Parsva Dhanurasana. I have to bring one leg down first which I know is not correct but if I try with both legs it feels like way too much pressure on the implant and I back off out of fear.

Along came Laghu Vajrasana... The first time I went down I was almost all the way down and felt the cramp in my left calf, came up, Tim shrugged in question and I said "Well it's only one side, that's good." Then I setup to do it again and I think I was all the way down, I don't think I held it 5 breaths.. but I came up... did my vinyasa, laid down for backbends when I noted "the energy" in front of me... looked up and I see Tim looking at me... so I say "What?" He says "Today" with the sweep of his hand... I say "Today, Kapotasana?" "Yes, today Kapotasana" I have to say I was very very surprised. I didn't think I had pulled off Laghu Vajrasana enough times or even correctly to get moved forward but I also know that trying to figure out the rhyme or reason behind being given a pose is futile and a complete waste of energy. I trust in my teacher, I trust in the method and I trust in the practice... and so I prepared for Kapotasana. Much like yesterday, I went down but then my mat was really sweaty and my head was slipping so when I put my hands down, I would inch them forward and they would totally slip back. Tim was helping and I said "Oh I'm slipping" (yea talking when you are down there is really smart!)... so he adjusted my head to, thankfully, a dry spot and got me up onto the bottoms of my feet... holding it there was, surprisingly not scary at all... all the fear is in my legs as I thought "Will I be able to pull out of this?" "Are my legs gonna have enough humph that I don't drop down?" The backbending part of Kapotasana hasn't hit me yet I don't think. Straight armed out, up with just grazing my left thigh with my hand to come up... then backbends... 3... on my first attempt to stand up I fell... second attempt up with feet out... no unassisted dropbacks today... a nice closing sequence.. and then an adjustment in savasana... not often one gets an adjustment in savasana... and then the tears. I could feel the welling up of tears... my over analytical mind wondered why I was welling up with tears, my nerve cleansed, emotionally open side said just let it go.

It's true I have a lot of stuff going on for me right now, especially emotionally.... but what I know and the rock that holds my world together is this practice... this thing that I can't understand, I can only feel... that I get bits and pieces of everytime I'm on the mat... this magic that has been coursing through me of late.. this Ashtanga thing... it's my rock and my center... on and off the mat... in and out of mindfulness... up and down, in and out.. the steadiness is the practice.

PS... Neti, gave Tim your shirt today :)

PPS.. in wierd news.. reading through the "On This Day"... one year ago today I was given Krounchasana

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:16 PM | Comments (3)

April 4, 2006

April Fools Geek Style

Bravo CIODude on your nice April Fool's posting... yes, it took CIODude actually pointing it out to me for me to get it. The shala name was Eiluj (aka Julie), the instructor was Gib Dern (Big Nerd)... he used a bathroom rug... but, hey, when you get someone who doesn't practice yoga and they've got that kind of handle on the lingo you've got two choices: A) they really did have the experience or B) they have been reading way too many yoga blogs. HAHAHAHAHAHA CIODude, good one.. you got me... and C.K. I'm impressed you saw through the satire while the rest of us nimwits got not so quietly irate for CIODude. Bad ladies!

PS... I noticed that for the past 3 years, right around this time, I redid the look of my blog... I've been getting the niggling feeling I shoudl do that.. the black is too dark and dreary for me.. now to find the time.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:37 PM | Comments (1)

The Garage

I totally meant to post about the tshirt that I saw at Disneyland yesterday... a guy was wearing it and it say "What happens in the garage, stays in the garage." For those of you that know me really well, you all know how very, very much I want this tshirt (in a cute little tank top of course).

The alarm went off at 6am this morning on schedule, I flipped over and it turned it off as I usually do and the next thing I know it is 7:50am. Not only did I miss practice but I even missed getting The Son off to school.... Back to work, Monday, ugh! Then I went to practice at 7pm. Man, these nighttime practices are really hard... I don't like them much at all. I can't believe I used to always practice at night. Tonight's class was a prep class... an hour long class... I didn't even break a sweat though we did do the first pose of third series in three iterations which was fun... and I did try purna matsyasana (sp?) and even got my elbow outside my knee but, man, is that one hard pose. I did 5 dropbacks and stood up each time. That's the difference between doing a two hour practice and having nothing left over and doing a one hour prep class.

I read CIODude's first yoga experience tonight and I have to say that really pisses me off. Having a student who has never done yoga doing 40 minutes of Sun Salutations? Jumping through!???? What gives? Hitting them on the head, kicking them out? It's like no yoga I've seen before!!! It angers me only because CIODude tried yoga, likely because I talk about it all the time, and that's the introduction he gets... it shouldn't matter your size, your physical ability... as the Guru says ...old man, young man, fat man, skinny man, any man.... anyone but lazy man can do yoga... Although I do have to admit the idea of bringing a bathroom rug into a yoga class is pretty funny... and likely half the reason for slippage! CIODude... I hope you try yoga again.. we'll have to find you a good place in Philly where there is actual yoga and not some sort of wierd trippy domino yoga.

In order to fit my practice in tomorrow... I"m going to split after Supta Kurmasana... but I feel some pang of regret... I'll miss the last part of first series.. I'm clearly way too attached to it.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:52 AM | Comments (3)

April 2, 2006

The Happiest Place On Earth

Well, I don't know... to me there isn't a whole lot of happy there. I've been debating with myself whether I've just become such an uptight ogre that I can't "just be a kid" and enjoy that place or if it really is the cesspool of all things stressful. The lines are long, the rides are short, the kids get tired, the food is absolutely horrendous, the lures of toys and books and hats and gloves and candy and candy and candy are everywhere. There are, of course, the fleeting moments of beauty and joy... like their first rollercoaster ride:

But, for the most part, I find The Happiest Place On Earth to be a general bore, stressful, strangely wierd cross section of humanity. I really did, however, enjoy the Soarin ride at California Adventure. The first time we went on that you should have seen The Son's face.. he was practically screaming "Awesome" "That was SOOO cool." It was pretty damn rad actually.

We spent the night at Paradise PIer... eh... wouldn't go there again... way too far away, not nearly as "Disney" as the Disneyland Hotel... however, last night when we got home from the Park, we opened the door and the room's ceiling was filled with balloons (remember this was our children't birthday present and party).. that was pretty cool... but the rice krispie treats (in the shape of Mickey Mouse and with chocolate covered ears) were sadly disappointing. The Daughter had a breakdown from the stress once we got home, The Son has been acting very very strangely, at one point sobbing that he needed to go back to said place on earth.

My hamstrings are unhappy with all the walking and my body is like "You just ate what for two days?" The weekend is already over and here I was just posting about the start of it... that sucks. I have to pack, figure out what to wear (I can't believe I signed up for something where I have to figure out what to wear... I always swore I'd never do that again)... get ready to be out of the house for the entire day tomorrow. Have I mentioned I'm not sure I like this thing?

In asana news... I haven't done any but I was thinking about Laghu Vajrasana and I realized that my whole goal in Laghu Vajrasana is to get through it... I have to admit that I'm a bit eager about doing kapotasana... not that I feel I can do it, mind you, but that's the edge that looks attractive, it feels like it's the place I want to go. This is completely stupid. Our bodies, not our minds, have a way of telling us where our edges are and what facet we need to look at.. what place we need to be in. So Laghu Vajrasana...bring it on ;)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:54 PM | Comments (3)

April 1, 2006

Practice And All Is Coming

Intro to Second tonight. I've found the spot in the room where the heater just beats down on you. It's about, eh, 3 mats from the far side door on the east side. At one point, just after the 4th Surya B, I thought, I'm not going to make it through this, it was so hot. Nobody else seemed too bothered by extra heat so maybe it was just me. The Intro to Second class still trips me out. I haven't done a practice that didn't involve first series in a long time. There was a time, early in my practice, when doing the whole first series was something I did every now and again and it seemed like it would be a, well, a long day away when doing more than the first series was something I was doing every practice. I've only done Intro to Second a few times now and today, following last night's thoughts, I realized that I'm a little scared about leaving first series behind. It's not that it's going anywhere soon, don't get me wrong, it'll be a long way away before I'm landing Bakasana B ever but that's not really what I'm talking about.. not really the physical, it's the part of the practice that when we blog, we just can't talk about, that part... you ashtangis know it.... as many words as we write, it simply doesn't come out on paper, that internal and very magical part of the practice. It's why I've always disagreed with people who say that talking about the practice takes away the magic of the practice. I feel like I've had some shift, with all these backbends and the actual joy that I know feel about doing backbending. The dread has gone and the anticipation of the experience not in the body is like a new drug. As I was thinking about this I came to the realization that I've suddenly had a very deep mindshift... I've suddenly become one of those people that simply know and believe that this practice "works" (whatever that means)... that the method, the tradition, the series is all there, it's all in there and when you practice, it's all coming.

So when I got home, I had to setup our wireless router, as I sat on the floor banging out ipconfigs I was stretching out, konasana.... The Husband comes in and says "So you just went to practice and you have to come home and stretch?" I told him that I felt like I didn't get that forward bending... attachment...

When I got home tonight I went to say goodnight to The Daughter. I have to tell you that it freaks me out sometimes how someone can be your entire insides lying in their little Hello Kitty bed. Seriously. But what is really freaky is how The Daughter looks at me, I am her everything, I am the light of her world and what makes it go round. It's such an amazing, all encompassing look. The Husband was sitting there and told us how unbelievable it is to watch the exchange, that her whole being is just in me. He says he has never seen that look except with me... it's this amazing little bond.. the one that makes me wake up every night 5 minutes before she gets up and paddles into our room (which is happening, by the way, way too often).

Disneyland tomorrow... the happiest place on earth... the happiest place on earth.. the mantra for tomorrow.

I sorta hate feeling like "its the weekend" just got two days to "live" ... I never used to feel that way, the days just sorta were what they were. I think, honestly, it pretty much sucks.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:22 AM | Comments (2)