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March 25, 2006
Chappatis Are Fattening
Tales Of A Ruined Life
Nothing can be better than walking off a 5 hour travel home to San Diego and feeling the warmth and rejuvenation of the Sun... ah, the sun... The Husband was late picking me up so I sat outside in my tank top and sweats, sunglasses on, squinting anyway. I just let the sun drip into me and, more than once, recognized how immediately I felt more like myself, more healthy. How can you argue that living here is the best place on the planet. Sure I'd like to boot all the crappy people out but, hell, I might as well just enjoy it instead of worrying about it. I've given up on social unrest and political soapboxing... or perhaps I've just completely given up on having any say in the type of society I'd like to see.
The bliss of the sun quickly disappeared and the cold hard truth of reality set in. I then passed out and slept until 9:30 this morning. I haven't slept that late in years. Funny to say that... it reminds me that this discipline is near obsessive for me.
I picked up a copy of Mysore Style while on the tour. There's a quote in it that has got me thinking "Don't Let Yoga Ruin Your Life" - David Swenson. I don't think that yoga is ruining my life but I wonder how selfish yoga is for me. It's really wierd because I convinced Tiffany to come to Guruji's tour in San Francisco. I really thought she'd enjoy the experience and I'm really fascinated by her passion to the practice at such a young age. I can't even imagine what my life would have been like in my 20s when you have to make all the crucial decisions like how you're going to support yourself for the rest of your life, who you're gonna spend your life with, when to bring another life into the world and how to make that all come together and still retain some of yourself (or maybe that's the key, it's really only devotional yoga this life)... I can't imagine all of that while having a practice. What an opportunity! Anyway, I think she did enjoy the experience and I'm really excited about her deciding she wants to go to India... but I'm also incredibly jealous. A huge part of me feels really held back from following the blisss of the practice. It's really easy to say "Well, you just do it, you just make it happen." The thing is I could just make it happen but it would be entirely a selfish thing to do. My husband doesn't do this practice, his practice is right here at 6am, 15th Street, admist the dolphins and seals. My kids wouldn't be stoked to be taken over to India and missing their friends, school, their lives. I can rationalize it however I want and, believe me, I've done that.. .but the truth is I already push the boundaries of selfishness when it comes to my practice. Our lives, in great degree, our schedules revolve around when I'm wanting to practice and The Husband completely supports that.... but he won't support India and it isn't about him stifling my bliss.. it just isn't practical for all of us. Don't let yoga ruin your life... that's the key to reminding me to keep this practice in perspective. The practice is what happens as long as you just show up on the mat. Whether it's in India, at the studio, in my bedroom, on the sidewalk...
I've been sorta thrown off all day yesterday and today. The trip I took with the guys the other night really threw me for a loop. It's affected me in all sorts of unexpected ways. I'd like to think I just went, I saw and I left it at that but, let's face it, we all know I obsess over everything. I debated pretty long and hard over mentioning this on my blog. There are some things that seem to sensitive to blog about publically but then I decided that I'm always saying I won't censor myself so why shouldn't I. It doesn't help that I know I have a few new readers based on a comment last week ;-) but I figure, what the hell, I can't possibly be alone. I've been really comparing myself to the, uh, entertainment the other night. I realized how horrible my self-esteem is. I'd like to say it is better and, I think, maybe it is with yoga but, in all honesty, like probably half of the female human race, I often doubt myself and feel like a big fat pig (okay, it probably doesn't help that I started my moon today.. really bad timing since I haven't practiced in a week). I have found that no matter how healthy I eat, I still worry about what I'm eating and the potential effects it has on my physcially... and really that's stupid. Don't mistake this for a plea for compliments, please... it's really just something I'm admitting publically to myself... that it is stupid to feel uncomfortable with myself, really stupid and, yet, I know it isn't something I've had the insight to conquer... yet....
The other revelation my trip the other night is to really show me just how wonderfully lucky I am to be married to someone like The Husband. It really amazed me that not a single other person in attendance shared the experience with their spouse. I really think this is a horrid commentary on the state of the male female relationship. I realize it's normal and I realize that all the people involved are wonderful people but I think I would be terrified to be in a relationship where I felt I had to hold something like that back. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty I hold back that I probably shouldn't... we have our own particular issues, those just aren't them. It's made me feel an appreciation for The Husband that I think I had somewhat taken for granted.
We went to The Son's baseball game this afternoon. The Daughter was showing off that she's, at some point, learned to sit in lotus. I haven't seen her practicing this and she's never, ever mentioned it to me so I found it fascinating when she sat down next to me and said "Look what I can do." She can also hold a mean Utpluthi. Once she got into it she also demonstrated handstands, backbends and a bunch of round offs. She did a couple dropbacks. She ran to play with her friends.... I went to sit next to The Husband again when I noticed that the stone was completely gone from my engagement ring. GONE. I went looking in the grass but, really it was pointless. I really wanted to tell myself that it didn't matter, that it was just a ring, that attachment to it was silly but really I was pretty bummed out. I still am. That sucks.
It sorta made my day when I saw this picture then after we got home... Jenna kindly sent the link. I really like that each photo has it's own caption and I really love the caption chosen for this picture. SMN and Tiffany and myself... I think it was a very loving moment. I was really happy to share my short time with Guruji with such wonderful people... and I really enjoyed the energy we all shared at The Embarcadero.... thanks you guys.
Now that I've finally gotten some sleep I can finally slp back into reality, whatever that means or brings to the table.
On the iPod:
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and the fan that's on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
I see orion and say nothing
the only thing I can think of saying is
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:54 PM | Comments (6)