facing inward

« February 2006 | Main | April 2006 »

March 31, 2006

Right Here, Right Now

Last night The Husband and I slipped into the jacuzzi... As we were interacting I realized something really heavy... what yoga does to my life... it brings me into the here and now. When I'm practicing (and I don't mean just asana), I'm fully in the now. My asana time was so mind blowing yesterday that I spent all day in the here and now... that's that floaty, can't come down feeling that leaves you high.. it's the tangible reality that right now is all that matters and what happens next is really what happens next. As mentioned before, there's been some interesting emails between a few of us female ashtangis lately about marriage with non-ashtangis and the issues therein. We've been discussing the bumps in the road, the issues that come about, the disagreements, the perception of the practice, selfishness, etc. What I realized last night is that the single largest issue of my particular instance of being married to a non ashtangi is that I live in the now... I just don't care to talk about what is going to happen next year or the year after or what we should do to the backyard... if it isn't something I have to deal with NOW then I'm just content to explore the moment, live the moment. I'm not sure that I have ever been as rooted in the right now as I am now in my life... adn I truly believe that is what yoga has brought to the table for me.

It will be interesting to see if The Husband tries Kiran's classes next month and what he thinks... in the meantime, I opted out of Mysore this morning so that The Husband could surf. With Disneyland on the agenda for our entire weekend (blah), I wanted to make sure he had his time too.... I know that it isn't just yoga that can expand one's horizon, it's the devoted passion to whatever your calling is. I hear and know people that get this from surfing, hiking, mountain biking, kayaking..whatever... Since Intro to Second is now a viable option for me, I told him to just go and I'll practice tonight. It was funny because during this discussion I really had a difficult time deciding... on the one hand, doing an Intro to Second class allows me to explore the rest of the first half of second beyond Laghu Vajrasana. On the other hand, I'm not there yet and I found myself thinking "God, I'd miss doing my whole practice, I'd miss the comfort, like an old chair of my first series practice.... I'd miss those forward bends and my open hamstrings." Wierd, eh? I'd miss first series if I wasn't doing it everyday. It's just a part and parcel of my practice. Sometimes, when the ego is getting in the way, it is easy to think "move forward, let's just get to second series, when am I gonna split, when will I get the next pose" and this revelation was moving for me because I realized that second series is so mind blowing, no nerve ending opening and so raw, and first series is so grounding, like a nice soft blanket to caress you.

Intro to Second tonight.... let's see how long it takes me to come down from that!

Today is the first time I am at work with my arm tattoo exposed. Numerous comments on it... not sure it was a good thing but I might as well rock my entire work day... as I was leaving The Husband told me I looked sexy today... the last thing I want to look at work. I think I'll just sit here behind my desk until it's time to leave :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:19 PM | Comments (4)

March 30, 2006

Riding The Wave of Bliss

My entire purpose in this blog entry is to bring me back to some semblance of reality... to bring my mind back to earth, my body away from it's blissful state of happiness so that I can find some way to work... Work yesterday was a bore, we lost Interent connection for the entire second half of the day, I had a deployment deadline for last night and without Internet, needless to say, it didn't get done. I spent most of the evening freaking out that the deployment wouldn't work at all. Worked on my box.. but not on target server. After a few freak outs I kindly told myself I would simply come in early and if I got it working by 8:30, I'd practice then; otherwise, I wouldn't. Nothing like incentive to get up early and get something done. The problem was that I couldn't fall asleep... I was so stressed over it and my mind was turning over the possibilities that I never found a restful slumber. When the alarm went off at 5am, I groaned and rolled over, only to discover it was all of a sudden 5:30.

Driven to get my app deployed and not miss practice, I centered myself as if I was getting on the mat and wala, discovered the problem. I never actually fixed the problem but I did figure out the work around and got the demo up and running by 8:30, just in time to leave for practice. I was a bit disappointed when I walked into the room and it wasn't all juicy and hot like last Tuesday... in fact, it seemed a bit cool. Then I realized I needed to generate my own tapas so I spent a lot of focus on drishte... I was, in general, just having a great practice (OKRGR: :-/ ) when I got to Supta Kurmasana... I really wanted to do Dwi Pada because suddenly Eka Pada on the first side is relatively easy and if I hold my chin, I can hold my leg back there... but everyone was busy so I waited (bad yogini) and finally Rich came to help me. OKRGR, across from me, was motioning to put my head back... but I could barely do it because my actual ankles were above my head... I have no idea, when I get them both back there, how to keep them down my back... Rich then says "put your hands in Namaste" and I'm thinking, that's a new one, we don't usually do that... and then I was able to pull off picking up my Dwi Pada after Supta K but I couldn't pull off Titibhasana without uncrossing the ankles first.

With the addition of Laghu Vajrasana, second series has just become mind blowing for me. This is why I'm so high... I'm flittery, I'm floating and I have to come down in order to be able to do this work thing. Laghu today... down to my head and when I tried to come up my calves just cramped up... I tried this three times, all three times, such bad cramps I almost yell in pain. Backbends were LOVELY again today.... I even tried to see if I could see my feet but I couldn't... I felt like I could have... they felt glorious and open and so much like home... so beautiful mentally... such a gift.... then I stood up... and Tim came over and said "ready" and I said "No, I'm confused about what I'm supposed to be doing now." So he told me to do dropbacks.. I said "3" he said "No 5." FIVE!!! Oh no!!! Out of the blue I've lost my dependency on putting my hands on the back of my thighs to drop back, namaste and over I go... I landed the first one softly, came up.... second one a little harder... came up.. third one... a little harder..came up and my legs were like jello.. they were shaking and I thought to myself, nope, five is not coming today. The coming up is no longer hard, I just have to rock once to pull it together, to get the feeling of where to pull and push from... but the impact on my legs is pretty amazing..whether it is down or up causing it I don't know. So Tim was watching and I said I just couldn't do anymore, his response "must work on your stamina." LOL

After practice I asked Tim about Laghu Vajrasana and the cramps... he said I was recruiting muscles though I'm not sure what that meant. He told me I should be using more thighs but, yes, that you do push down.. he told me to try EmergenC -- maybe I'm just low on electrolytes.. I hate EmergenC though.

I walked out of the studio and the sun was there, blazing and it felt like LIFE and it felt great... and I felt like soaring through the clouds and just sitting and staring off to space... instead I took the journey back to the office where I can't seem to come down... it's a wonderful feeling and, at the same time, I feel a certain lack of control, like I'm so high mentally that I can't contain myself... head wide open I think they call it. It's almost scary that feeling.. like when you've taken some medicine that makes you feel all wierd and you can't control it anymore, it's in your system and you have to ride it out... only this ride is good... and it feels awesome... and this is what life is... and this is what yoga is... the untouchable unspeakable unimaginable state of bliss.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:53 PM | Comments (3)

March 28, 2006

I Love Backbends

Per the post below, today being the day that marks 4 years of Ashtanga Yoga, I was really pumped for practice today... though I knew it had to be a speedy one since I'm technically working, I was really happy to make time for it. I came to work at 6am, spent some time in frustration with the new O12 open file format and then left for practice. I lost my Treo (CIODude.. I know, it's like my leg is broken and blood is spurting out everywhere) and I worried over going to practice at all but, in the end, I decided when I took this job I took it under the guise of "some flexibility" and I figure as long as I put in my 8 hours, I should be okay. Should being the operative word there.

The room was intensly heated up thanks to the 7am class... I laid out the mat and went immediately into the practice. 4As, 3Bs, skipped Hanumanasana today, no time for a break from the series... if Guruji can get us done in under 90 minutes, surely I can get myself there too, right? While I was in Prasaritas today Rich came over and adjusted the left side of my hip... he said it was up slightly, in C, he moved my arms over slightly saying they were off center. How unusual is that... something to think about. I blew through to seated... had a lovely time hanging out in forward bends. Rich gave me an adjustment to Dwi Pada today.... I actually held it momentarily on my own but couldn't pull off coming back up with my legs still there. I rocked all the way through to Setu Bandhasana in just over an hour... I could barely pull off Setu as I had so much sweat that my head was slipping all over my mat and using my Yogi Toes towel didn't help at all. I hung out and waited for an adjustment in Bhekasana... wanted that nice backbend again and that opening that I felt yesterday after... I wasn't disappointed though perhaps a little silly for waiting. Does anyone else feel really silly doing Parsva Dhanurasana? I always do.

Oh Laghu, Laghu, Laghu.... will I ever find a comfortable place for you? I've been really really paying attention to drishte since I got the Mysore Style book. Seeing pictures of people with such killer focus got me thinking how often I let that slide.... I've been really really concentrating on it now and I've noticed a huge difference. So in Laghu, I really focused on coming down, looking at my nose ring and I got down there.... and I could feel my hair on the ground and I held it 3 breaths... then I came back up and I got this GNARLY cramp in BOTH my calves.... so much so that I couldn't even straighten out my ankle. I was dying.. I wanted to yell in pain but Tim was right next to me so I suffered quietly. I worked it out and decided I was frustrated so I did it again.. back, back, hair on the ground... holding, holding... and I couldn't get up .... almost fell out and then somehow pushed with one hand against my ankle and got up slightly crooked and with more cramps in the calves. I quickly moved into downward dog to try and work them out but I can still an hour later or more feel the cramp in the calf. What is the deal with that? Am I doing something wrong?

Backbends were amazing today... simply and completely amazing. I could have done 50.. but I'd only done two when Tim was asking "How many!" I'm trying to figure out what the deal is around me and backbends.. he's very intense with me about it and I don't really see him like that with other people. I recognize there is a lot of shit tied up in my backbends, emotionally and physically, and I also recognize I shouldn't wonder what the degree of intensity is about but I'm a bit confused on what I'm supposed to be doing for my backbend sequence right now. I need to ask but haven't had the opportunity. So, given his question, I didn't stand on 3... instead I did 3 Guruji style (down to my head for one breath) and then a couple more and then I stood up. Tim said "You stood!" I said "yes" and we did assisted dropbacks which were quite different today... interestingly different but something I have yet to put my finger on. On the last one we did the magic one handed lift and my feet only very very slightly turned out and I didn't think I used his hand much... I shouldn't wonder it but I'm confused about the dropback thing and whether I'm supposed to attempt them or not. Maybe he's waiting for straight feet?

Things between The Husband and I never got better last night... in fact, we've barely spoken. One of those fights where you lose what it was really about and know eventually it will just float away but you're too busy and tired to really think about it for the moment. We've had a couple brief conversations with our regular terms of endearment but not any substantial discussion if you know what I mean. However in what could prove to be a really interesting situation for me, The Husband told me he will likely come to Kiran's T/TH noon class with me at PAC and try it out. Given the conversations I've been having via email with some of the most amazing female ashtangis I know, if he does, it should be really interesting.

If you haven't already read Neti's blog, go check out his shirts... though I can count myself in the elite "I had it first" group (so nanny nanny boo boo), you too can have one of his custom made for Guruji, pure love infused tshirts and support Guruji's charity too.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:24 PM | Comments (2)

Happy Ashtanga-Versary

Today marks the day, 4 years ago, that I did my first Ashtanga Yoga class.

Without a blog, I'd have had no idea! WIth a blog it's a treat I get to take with me to the mat today... I don't even think I can remember that person that I was... so much has changed, inevitable with time... but the practice has transformed my life.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:18 AM | Comments (2)

March 27, 2006

"Go Blog..."

This morning when I pulled up to the studio, I actually sat in the car for a few minutes and considered just leaving. I didn't want to practice and I had this sudden feeling of wierdness like I didn't belong there. It was sorta strange and when I observed myself feeling it, it was the motivation to get the hell out of the car and onto the mat. Practice was good... It felt like home around Padagustasana. I got bound in Supta Kurmasana today and my feet got stuck! It's the first time that has ever happened to me... it was kinda funny, I couldn't figure it out, that's always been the easy part. Tim gave me a killer adjustment in Bhekasana. I was almost able to look up at him... and after that my back felt so awesome. I have forgotten, because I can't do Bhekasana by myself anymore, how wonderful that pose feels when you can actually do it. I used to think Pasasana was the pose I'd never be able to do again but, in truth, Bhekasana is really the last hold out of poses that I simply can't touch still. I did my 3 backbends, felt a little stiff but stood up. I was contemplating dropbacks but then Tim came and did assisted dropbacks with me. Then I was reading on EZBoard that dropbacks are "given" -- I didn't know that. I guess that might be why Tim has been coming over right after I stand up. Interesting...

I got to watch the Coconut Stand in Guru The Movie today. It's a really great short clip. The music was perfect. I highly recommend the movie if you haven't seen it already.

It really sucked to go back to The Office today. It's not really the work or anything.. it's just the having to be in The Office thing. It's so antiquated and so unnecessary.... Clearly I'm still working through this change.. .it's much harder than I anticipated it being. I considered starting my work blog again... I haven't blogged there in forever but I'm working with lots of new technology now so it might be fun... plus, it might get the two new C readers outta here ;-) (just kidding).

It's actually been a really freakin' crappy day. The Husband and I got in a huge fight while I was driving to The Office from yoga. The new studio has really messed with my schedule, it's much further away given the traffic -- almost a whole 20 minutes further!!! Given the fact that I used to be able to leave the studio and be in the office in 30 minutes (yoga to desk, with shower), 20 minutes is really difficult to account for. I got all lost in this wierd beta issues with O12 at work and then continued to fight on and off all day with The Husband. Who knows really what we are fighting about but we still haven't spoken and I'm so perfectly ambivelant that I don't even really want to at the moment. We both know eventually we'll speak but I guess neither of us feels like having to hash it out right now.

I've been listening to a lot of Ani DiFranco lately. The other day a song came on the Shuffle (yes, B, I've finally learned to appreciate the value of the iPod shuffle setting) and I realized that I had forgotten how much I like her lyrics. In particular I still dig Self Evident. Mostly I like that Ani manages to say so many F88k yous with such eloquence and not necessarily actually using that word though she often does.

Kiran emailed me today to tell me that my plea to the director at the fancy health club worked and she got a noon class at PAC on T/TH -- this rocks because it totally alleviates my issues with 9-10 Mysore on T/TH. If I can make those great but given it isn't always likely, PAC is only 2 minutes away and I can do the lunch thing (man, my body will be WAY more open at noon!). The classes are led but Kiran told me I could do whatever I wanted in the corner :) Kiran rocks!

Time for reality... :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:01 PM | Comments (3)

March 25, 2006

Chappatis Are Fattening

Tales Of A Ruined Life

Nothing can be better than walking off a 5 hour travel home to San Diego and feeling the warmth and rejuvenation of the Sun... ah, the sun... The Husband was late picking me up so I sat outside in my tank top and sweats, sunglasses on, squinting anyway. I just let the sun drip into me and, more than once, recognized how immediately I felt more like myself, more healthy. How can you argue that living here is the best place on the planet. Sure I'd like to boot all the crappy people out but, hell, I might as well just enjoy it instead of worrying about it. I've given up on social unrest and political soapboxing... or perhaps I've just completely given up on having any say in the type of society I'd like to see.

The bliss of the sun quickly disappeared and the cold hard truth of reality set in. I then passed out and slept until 9:30 this morning. I haven't slept that late in years. Funny to say that... it reminds me that this discipline is near obsessive for me.

I picked up a copy of Mysore Style while on the tour. There's a quote in it that has got me thinking "Don't Let Yoga Ruin Your Life" - David Swenson. I don't think that yoga is ruining my life but I wonder how selfish yoga is for me. It's really wierd because I convinced Tiffany to come to Guruji's tour in San Francisco. I really thought she'd enjoy the experience and I'm really fascinated by her passion to the practice at such a young age. I can't even imagine what my life would have been like in my 20s when you have to make all the crucial decisions like how you're going to support yourself for the rest of your life, who you're gonna spend your life with, when to bring another life into the world and how to make that all come together and still retain some of yourself (or maybe that's the key, it's really only devotional yoga this life)... I can't imagine all of that while having a practice. What an opportunity! Anyway, I think she did enjoy the experience and I'm really excited about her deciding she wants to go to India... but I'm also incredibly jealous. A huge part of me feels really held back from following the blisss of the practice. It's really easy to say "Well, you just do it, you just make it happen." The thing is I could just make it happen but it would be entirely a selfish thing to do. My husband doesn't do this practice, his practice is right here at 6am, 15th Street, admist the dolphins and seals. My kids wouldn't be stoked to be taken over to India and missing their friends, school, their lives. I can rationalize it however I want and, believe me, I've done that.. .but the truth is I already push the boundaries of selfishness when it comes to my practice. Our lives, in great degree, our schedules revolve around when I'm wanting to practice and The Husband completely supports that.... but he won't support India and it isn't about him stifling my bliss.. it just isn't practical for all of us. Don't let yoga ruin your life... that's the key to reminding me to keep this practice in perspective. The practice is what happens as long as you just show up on the mat. Whether it's in India, at the studio, in my bedroom, on the sidewalk...

I've been sorta thrown off all day yesterday and today. The trip I took with the guys the other night really threw me for a loop. It's affected me in all sorts of unexpected ways. I'd like to think I just went, I saw and I left it at that but, let's face it, we all know I obsess over everything. I debated pretty long and hard over mentioning this on my blog. There are some things that seem to sensitive to blog about publically but then I decided that I'm always saying I won't censor myself so why shouldn't I. It doesn't help that I know I have a few new readers based on a comment last week ;-) but I figure, what the hell, I can't possibly be alone. I've been really comparing myself to the, uh, entertainment the other night. I realized how horrible my self-esteem is. I'd like to say it is better and, I think, maybe it is with yoga but, in all honesty, like probably half of the female human race, I often doubt myself and feel like a big fat pig (okay, it probably doesn't help that I started my moon today.. really bad timing since I haven't practiced in a week). I have found that no matter how healthy I eat, I still worry about what I'm eating and the potential effects it has on my physcially... and really that's stupid. Don't mistake this for a plea for compliments, please... it's really just something I'm admitting publically to myself... that it is stupid to feel uncomfortable with myself, really stupid and, yet, I know it isn't something I've had the insight to conquer... yet....

The other revelation my trip the other night is to really show me just how wonderfully lucky I am to be married to someone like The Husband. It really amazed me that not a single other person in attendance shared the experience with their spouse. I really think this is a horrid commentary on the state of the male female relationship. I realize it's normal and I realize that all the people involved are wonderful people but I think I would be terrified to be in a relationship where I felt I had to hold something like that back. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty I hold back that I probably shouldn't... we have our own particular issues, those just aren't them. It's made me feel an appreciation for The Husband that I think I had somewhat taken for granted.

We went to The Son's baseball game this afternoon. The Daughter was showing off that she's, at some point, learned to sit in lotus. I haven't seen her practicing this and she's never, ever mentioned it to me so I found it fascinating when she sat down next to me and said "Look what I can do." She can also hold a mean Utpluthi. Once she got into it she also demonstrated handstands, backbends and a bunch of round offs. She did a couple dropbacks. She ran to play with her friends.... I went to sit next to The Husband again when I noticed that the stone was completely gone from my engagement ring. GONE. I went looking in the grass but, really it was pointless. I really wanted to tell myself that it didn't matter, that it was just a ring, that attachment to it was silly but really I was pretty bummed out. I still am. That sucks.

It sorta made my day when I saw this picture then after we got home... Jenna kindly sent the link. I really like that each photo has it's own caption and I really love the caption chosen for this picture. SMN and Tiffany and myself... I think it was a very loving moment. I was really happy to share my short time with Guruji with such wonderful people... and I really enjoyed the energy we all shared at The Embarcadero.... thanks you guys.

Now that I've finally gotten some sleep I can finally slp back into reality, whatever that means or brings to the table.

On the iPod:

in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and the fan that's on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
I see orion and say nothing
the only thing I can think of saying is

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:54 PM | Comments (6)

March 23, 2006

Deja Vu

I haven't practiced anything except bringing my hand to my mouth and swallowing alcohol since Monday. These conferences are like that... just one big party and you pry your eyelids open all day for the actual technical content. We walk through the hallways, catching a glimpse of someone we might have seen the night before and mutter "Dude, what's up, when did you manage to get here?" The voice sounds like it's gone through a testosterone mutation, the eyes are red, the skin looks as if it has been injected with a strange yellowish tinge and the liver is in overdrive causing internal chaos and I swear, with each inhale, "tonight I'm staying in." Being one of five girls in a crowd of nearly 1000 has its own pitfalls and advantages.

Advantages:

-- When the line for the men's bathroom snaked down the hallway and around the corner, us 4 girls laughed with glee and joked as we walked into a huge bathroom and found ourselves eerily all alone. You bet we laughed out loud at the poor slob guys waiting a half and hour for the toilet.

-- Though techies tend to have underdeveloped social skills, the combination of their fear of the human female and media driven idea of male chivalry means I can often part the red sea of bodies in the hallway, get in the front of the line for coffee (all free, all day by Microsoft by the way) and certainly don't have to wait for a drink at the external parties ever.

The pitfalls:

-- There is no being incognito at any event ever.

-- It's easy to feel guilty after being dared to "mess with" the poor closet programmers and realizing that it was way too easy to pull that off (this involved basically asking them to speak to me... near impossible apparently).

-- Using the words "tool" in combination with "buddying up" (as in "I was trying to buddy up so I could get his tool.") is apparently grounds for misinterpretation and can be used to facilitate a series of embarrassing word play interactions for many days.

The conference itself has been a huge and successful marketing meeting for me. I'm not sure that I have heard or otherwise processed any actual technical information but I've certainly met, chatted with, talked to, interacted with and otherwise meeted and greeted some really great individuals, companies and internal Microsoft employees. Last night was the attendee party which was held at the EMP in Seattle. Microsoft events are always open bar, free food and terrible entertainment. On what ended up being somewhat of a dare which I lost, I participated in the late night "male bonding" party last night. I was completely surprised and somewhat entertained by the event. It was much different than I anticipated it being and much different than has ever been explained to me. I'd go into further details but, unlike myself, others have identities to protect and ATM card receipts to destroy.

I had been hoping to have another practice with David while here. I really enjoy his energy but I also realize I'm here for a reason and I'm trying to remember that it's okay to focus on this event, this networking event, that mostly happens at night for a few days.... if I'm gonna work, it's important to do it at the level I'm doing it at and not get lazy and blow off what makes these connections happen in the first place... the networking. Many people have mentioned to me how "hooked up" I am here on campus and it is actually pretty surprising to me how many people I know and the ins I have. It's taken a lot of work (and some very generous friends) and nurturing those relationships in the way that nurturing happens here is a good thing. My body will be in rebellion on the mat for the next few weeks but Yoga Chikitsa will bring me back... just like it always does.

I get to go home tomorrow, back to reality, back to the day to day life, back to the mat.... back to comfort and security. Back to being mindful, back to intellect, knowledge, freedom from delusion, self-restraint, tranquilty.... fear and fearlessness. I think self restraint may be the most important thing to reign back in... or perhaps it's just delusional thinking that I ever had any.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:06 PM | Comments (4)

March 21, 2006

Ah.... The Comfort of Home

My flight to Seattle was late, the car they gave me is like a tin box but having a nice Sanskrit tattoo on my arm got me a killer deal on a hotel room at The Westin Bellevue (where I had a reservation for M-TH but not for Sunday night) after the telephone reservations agent told me they couldn't find a discount room or extend my Microsoft discount for Sunday night. Having been up everyday at 4ish, I was looking forward to some sleep but it escaped me yet again. I was excited to practice with David and see JumpsThruSeomday (now jumping thru beautifully) so I got up at 4am, dressed, threw down a cup of coffee (come on, I haven't slept more than 4 hours since last Wednesday night) and drove into the city. I got a bit lost but finally saw someone walking down the street with a black mat and followed her in. The new studio is nice actually but we had to wake David up to open the door. It was cold so I put myself right by the heater and got down to business. I had no time to waste. I barely recognized David when he came in as he's cut his hair really short. I had a wonderful practice. I was so happy to be doing Mysore, so happy to be at one with my mat and practicing internally.... David came me an amazing adjustment in Supta Kurmasana... he actually got my legs up and over the back of my head and I held them there on my own after he was done. He helped me get back up and then I held Dwi Pada and went into, what I felt, was a beautiful Titibhasana out. While I was doing Ustrasana he told me that I was pushing my hips too far forward, that I needed to pull them back and do more from the back. It was an interesting adjustment that I had a hard time holding actually. Laghu... wasn't as easy as it had been in the grass in San Fran but I think that's because by the time I get there, I'm pretty wiped out. I moved to the back of the room for finishing... did 3 backbends and stood up. I dropped back and stood up a couple times and then decided that was it... I get tired and I wasn't sure I could pull it off again so I just did drop backs. David does dropbacks a lot different than Tim does and it's always interesting to feel it out.

After practice I bought some tshirts, David's CD (which Andrew plays guitar on), asked after Catherine and raced back to campus. I was so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open during the all day conference I had on campus. I literally had 5 cups of regular coffee (the jury is still out on whether or not regular coffee has a more caffeinated effect on me), two sodas with caffeine and I was still finding myself unable to keep my eyes open. I met loads of interesting people, learned a lot about the developments Microsoft is planning and ended up out doing the social thing until very, very late or, rather, very early this morning....

I had some wierd things happen to me yesterday... I was the only female in a room of male developers at the Software Design Review I went to. The ONLY female developer. A MSFT female employee made mention of it a couple times to me. Everytime I opened my mouth to speak, this guy at the end of the row would interrupt me. I took the higher road and did not say anything although I felt like calling him on his shit... but the experience reminded me of just what being a girl in this male dominated field is like. I tend to thrive in it... I am not usually treated any diffferently (that I can see)... and ended up in a lengthy conversation last night with a peer about the fact that I, apparently, don't see the "looks" and vibe.. I guess I'm oblivious to it out of choice. Personally I don't think it is there... but, if it is, so what... it isn't something I want to pick up... it isn't something that concerns me and it certainly isn't something I will allow to enter my sphere of professionalism. Silly really but my friends were genuinely surprised that I said I don't notice it.

I also had some wierd emotional highs and lows yesterday... I'm still reeling from practicing with Guruji and feeling the sadness of not following my bliss. Being here in Redmond only reinforces how different my life is this year... but in a high I realized it is all what we make it and I'm just making it for now...

I'm now sitting listening to Mr. Gates do the KeyNote for OfficeDevCon. I've admired my picture on Ashtanga News and agree -- you really have to see Guru The Movie. I hope to make it to practice with David again this week... I hope to find a place to sleep... I may have to take a nap in my little tinker toy car.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:04 PM | Comments (5)

March 19, 2006

The Unbearable Sadness of Being

Yesterday, Saturday, we slept in.. first time I've slept past 8am in a LONG time (I've got two kids!).... it was sorta nice not having the worry of having to go anywhere. The festivites on Friday night were fun... Ashtangi celebrations... We walked a few miles down to the Embarcadero to the Farmer's Market and then met up with Neti, Mrs. Neti and SMN. We spent the entire afternoon doing yoga in the grass. SMN has bandhas of steel, beautiful handstands and variations of arm balances..trying this and that... challenging herself. I worked on Laghu Vajrasana with them... surprisingly, I was actually able to do this quite easily compared to my tries on the mat...whether it was being the grass or the encouragement I don't know but it will be interesting to try it in practice. We then did dropbacks and standing up... par for the course, while everyone was watching I couldn't do it..they all turned, boom, up with no problem. I made them turn away and pulled it off again :) It must be complete stage fright. I wonder how you get over that! :)

Last night in the hotel we watched Sharath's Primary Series DVD. If you haven't seen it, it's very interesting to watch as Sharath does some things just slightly different than I've ever seen or heard to do them. Small little things really but interesting nonetheless. The problem was, I could barely keep my eyes open and it wasn't even 9pm. Us, yogis, we like our sleep!

I set the alarm for 4:15 so that I could brew some coffee. Neti had exclaimed over the virtues of drinking a cup before practice and even cited Guruji as saying a cup of coffee prior to practice can make one stronger (or something of the sort). Given my lack of sleep for a couple nights, I decided to try it... only I ended up dreaming that I mis-used the coffee maker (I have only used a coffee maker once in my lifetime) and that coffee ended up spewing all over the floor of the hotel room. We left for practice really early as we had overhead the Powers That Be say they would be opening the doors a half hour early on Sunday given the expected crowd. Were I practicing all week, I wouldn't care so much about front row mat space but with only two days in the presence of the Guru, I wanted to actually be in the presence of the Guru. As we walked out of the hotel, we first noted a couple female street walkers and then we heard the boom boom of a huge party on the corner by the Regency building... when Tiff asked me what time I thought they closed I had to laugh. I don't think it does close. We were the first ones to the building... and they didn't open until 5:20 which meant we had a near half hour wait. The nice thing about ashtangis is that, for the most part, they are quite friendly. We met people from Hawaii and other places while waiting and we ended up getting front row mat space (though we opted for second row...front row is just a bit too intimidating for me). I'm always amazed at how many people I know in the Ashtanga community. Not only did I see a lot of the Encinitas crowd this morning but Ashtangis I know from all over and, of course, a hundred or so others I didn't.

Mat space was tight this morning and the Mat Nazi was in his glory!!! Our mats were perfectly parallel and aligned, mere inches from the other, 200+ people squeezed into one room all awaiting the family with baited breath. A practice to not forget... the bittersweetness of knowing it was my "last practice" with the Guru started from the first Om... and the concentration (sometimes of not hitting my neighbors and completely taking them out with my long legs) was a seldom thought about effort today. Guruji adjusted me a couple of times, minor adjustments... standing over me more often than I anticipated (especially in those chatarungas) and then did a full adjustment in Bhujapindasana... which, of course, is the absolute last pose I would have wanted an adjustment in because I still can't do it correctly... it's that whole push and pull on my pects that make it really hard... he was helping me up and telling me "Straighten Your Arms! Straighten Your Arms!" only I can't do that right now without cheating and touching my toes to pull them through... I was trying to hide it so he wouldn't notice (and I actually think I pulled that off) by the time I actually go my arms straight and my feet up he was saying "Take back your feet!" only I'm 6 feet tall and our mats were mere inches from each other... were I to take back my feet I would certainly have taken the girls next to me out, full on face hits I think... I was debating "Mhmm... obedience or hospital trip...obeidence or hospital trip..." In the end, I didn't do it, got a grunt and Guruji walked away. We held chatarungas a bit longer today all around... We held Kukkutasana for a long time -- a pose normally very easy for me to hold for a long period of time but we held it so long even I was barely holding onto it. I'm surprised at the duration of headstand on this trip - 10 breaths, 10 ardha and then back up. I pulled that off both practices. I don't really remember the rest of the practice or even bits of it in between. I was feeling overwhelmed at the end. Huge huge huge feelings of sadness inside.

In the Darshan line, I wanted to cry but instead I knelt to Guruji's feet and told him Goodbye. When he said "You not coming back?" I shook my head and he said "Eh, bad lady!" but gave me a brilliant smile and a kiss on the lips... another hug... another smile. I talked to Sharath briefly about our children... he has an invigorating smile.

The after festivites were wonderful... I had a killer breakfast with Neti, Mrs. Neti, Jenna and Laproxdoc... then we went to see the screening of Guru at Victoria Theater. It was a wonderful movie... very inspiring... very.... if you have a chance to see it on a big screen, I highly recommend it and, in the very least, buy the DVD. Certified teachers were in attendance, Ashtanga News editor Phillipe took pictures of the crowd (I believe you may see me in one :) and the filmmaker is a truly humble and lovely individual.

But I sit here in the airport with sadness in my heart. I feel this innate sense of loss.. of maybe desire that is unfulfilled rather than loss. I feel like I'm missing something. It would be easy to say that a trip to Mysore would solve this. I talked to defunct blogger KJS yesterday for awhile and she mentioned that I should come to Mysore with the rest of the gang in January.... wouldn't that be nice... perhaps that idea and the subsquent shoot down of the idea by The Husband has something to do with the sadness. Is it possible that the magic of the practice is only attainable in Mysore? Is it possible that you can't find that comfort zone, the one where your whole life isn't spent thinking of yoga and being aware of your body unless you go to Mysore? Does that state exist? I sometimes look at certified teachers and authorized teachers I know and other people I feel embody the lifestyle of the yogi and I realize none of them have big signs on their backs that say "I do yoga." As in the movie today, someone talked about how getting on the mat everyday is just something you do and then it just becomes part of your day, you practice, you move on with your day. That happens for me... but yoga is always somewhere there... I have a calendar on my desk, a Mr. Bendy in a backbend across my monitor stand... a Nandi Bull bowl holding my business cards, a tiny tiny Ganesh that someone gave me after surgery discreetly tucked in eyesight. Is it all materialism? Are the tattoos a silly external expression of something that really can't be expressed externally (for the record, I don't think so... I love my tattoos and I'm seriously considering another one soon)?

Will I ever make it to Mysore? Probably not this year... I thought if I paid off my surgery (which will be difficult in itself to do by January) perhaps but The Husband was pretty clear when I brought the idea up on the phone today that he wouldn't support it (and it is rare he doesn't support my yoga endeavors). He said we need time together and if I'm gonna spend money and vacation time, it'll be either with my family or him. It's hard to argue that point given the amount of selfish time I take for yoga already. Letting go... letting go... and perhaps that's where the sadness is?

I'm now waiting for my flight to Seattle. I hope to practice with David G tomorrow morning... I need to start early though and I have no idea if I can... I did last time I visited so I hope that if I show up at 5:30 someone will be there :) I'm debating with myself whether to mention my surgery or not. I have yet to practice (except with Guruji here) without mentioning it. On the one hand, I can do the series just fine now.... Sometimes I can't bind Sutpa K (though I did effortlessly today), I can't get up right in BhujaP anymore and Bhekasana is something I need help with getting lift... but otherwise, I can hold my own... I want to be done with this "recovery" and, on the one hand, not saying something makes me feel like I am done... on the other, I still have issues and whomever I'm practicing with probably has the right to know that. Perhaps I should just stop thinking about it altogether and just let what happens happen...

I wish I could shake the sadness though... Two days with Guruji is better than no days with Guruji and I'm incredibly blessed to practice regularly with a certified teacher, especially the one I practice with. Part of it is likely the loss of the lifestyle to a certain degree. Instead of flip flops and sweats I need shoes and work clothes. Instead of making lusciously healthy lentil salads for lunch, I'm always running to figure out what I can shove down my mouth that isn't horrid (which usually ends up being sushi). Instead of feeling like I have a lot of peace and clarity, I feel stress more often than not now. I hate having to work so hard to live life... it's almost like not living life. I know all the reasons I chose this but, just for today, I hate them and I don't care and I wish I could make it all go back to how it used to be.

I had a dream the other night that I quit my job and when I did my boss looked at my code and proceeded to tell me and everyone in my market how bad I sucked... and then I couldn't find a job again and I was desperate and scared and I woke up feeling horribly stressed... silly dream, yes, but there's a message in there that is just as important as the sadness of hating the working lifestyle.

Speaking of messages... I need to pack for the boarding one...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:21 PM | Comments (1)

March 17, 2006

Eh, Chatwari

The flight up yesterday ended up being quite long... at some point the pilot told us we were being instructed to circle and then later informed us we were haflway into a reroute (which I believe must have been San Jose) when Oakland called to bring us back. Talk about going in circles. The Phenomenal Cameron was waiting in the baggage claim for us, drove us to the city where we proceeded to attempt to pass out... only the bed was too soft, the stress of a 4:30 alarm was looming and the people in the room next to us decided to have a long drawn out and loud conversation at 1a.m. With the excitement of seeing Guruji and family again it wasn't hard to spring (okay maybe it wasn't a spring... maybe it was more like a groan and a roll) out of bed, throw on some clothes, meet Neti in the lobby and head on over to get a front row mat spot. I was surprised at the number of ashtangis that I know... people from San Francisco, people from Encinitas, people I've met via Ashtangi.NET. The ballroom is different than last year's and much warmer (thankfully). While we were pretty tight in there, no more than a good day at the studio. I had a good practice, not much more to say... the energy is invigorating... on one of the first chatarungas, Neti, Tiff and I all started to come up when we heard a tone from Guruji only he was saying "EH! Chatwari" instead of Panca, we all giggled and ducked our heads. While standing in line to pay my respects to Guruji, Sharath recognized me and smiled. At first I thought "Oh he's just smiling, of course he doesn't recognize me," but after when I went to thank him he said "You came up from Encinitas!" When I exclaimed that he remembered he said "Of course!" I asked why no Encinitas trip this year (selfish selfish yogini) and Sharath told me that it was just too much travel for Guruji.

After practice Neti, SMN, myself and Tiff went to breakfast but my stomach, as hungry as my mind thought it was, didn't want to intake food. It's great to have breakfast with a bunch of people who understand your passion and don't think you're a freak for talking about yoga for an hour after practice! Which brings me to the point of talking about our yoga. Over the years of blogging I've run into people of the opinion that one shouldn't talk about the practice and that, by talking about it, you lose the magic of the practice and the magic of the teachings of the practice. I guess I don't feel that way. The magic of the practice is such an internal thing, it's the intangible footprint that is left on your soul, that feeling in savasana or a moment of samadhi that you catch in a fleeting moment of awareness.... it isn't something describable in words and it certainly can't be shared even if you try really, really, really hard to share it. It's impossible, if you ask me.

Other people have left blogging because they don't like to share their intimacy with the world at large or people think "Why would I want to read about so and so's life." Maybe you don't... and if you don't then why are you reading? It's really that easy... Ashtangi.NET is growing, fast. When I started it I really didn't think we'd ever have more than 50 bloggers and, in truth, even though there are more than 60 blogs on the feed, there really aren't that many active bloggers. I confess to not reading them all... I confess to not doing any type of approval process and certainly no type of instructional process when it comes to what you should be blogging about and whether your blog has to have anything to do with ashtanga. I ony read the request emails which generally include name and the fact that they sender practices ashtanga yoga and that's enough for me. There have been some things going on lately in the social aspect of the blog world that I haven't been entirely comfortable with (and for my dear friends misreading this, it is not what you think) and I'm having a really hard time discerning my feelings about it... in fact, it's almost made me uncomfortable being the administrator of Ashtangi.NET at all. I have no answers and I actually haven't even formed an opinion (which is unusual for me) but it is part of my current thought process...

and when I begin to think about blogging and what it means to me personally I realize that I often talk about my physical practice when I haven't been able to find the aspect of spirit in my life at that point in my day. My practice, though I love to talk about my desires to stand up from a backbend... or get Laghu Vajrasana... or whatever I'm currently struggling with... my practice brings me so much that is so integrated with who I am on a daily basis and how I make decisions. Often I find the lessons in life seeping through the cracks of the every day... after I had an amazing practice I might find myself feeling a certain generosity or patience or aggression that I realize was sparked or massaged by my time on the mat and, more often than not, the practice of blogging about my physical practice can lead me to, later, after the computer has been turned off, find that tangent that I missed with the craziness of my everyday life.

I've had some talks recently about blog censorship, in particular, personal blog censorship but also on the larger "blog world" sphere. I started off censoring the name of my teacher but, come on, everyone knows who my teacher is so it would do me no good to use some nickname (though it would be mighty fun to come up with one). I do censor many of the interactions with my teacher and others which I feel are not my place to blog about... one of the things I love about blogs is learning that ALL OF US are struggling through our own various issues in life, in our own ways, in our spirit (whether that is yoga or Christianity or Buddhism or Paganism), in our time, in our heads, in our own egos. It always helps to know you are not alone... One of the things I love about reading A Mentor blog is the fact that our spiritual expression is so different and yet so the same... it reminds me of how Krishna Das said that all these Gods, all these expressions... they are all just the same... there is only one God.... one "thing" going on out there.

Clearly this post is complete train of thought... someone asked me if I felt any personal sense of anger or loss over the bloggers that are leaving Ashtangi.NET... of course I can't. To do so would be to put personal attachment over something that is not mine, not mine at all. Ashtangi.NET was something I started out of my own pure laziness. I hated checking blog pages everyday, I'm a software developer, so I did something about it. If I didn't work, if I didn't have such a crazy life, I would probably put more time into it... make it look nicer, add content... but the fact is, I can't. I can only do as much as I'm doing and that's it... plus Phillipe put together a wonder resource in Ashtanga News. Of course I feel some stab of sorrow over missing out on the lives of some people that I've grown to know and care about through this silly medium of 1s and 0s... let's face it, I suck at keeping in touch... I do... I own that. :) I always knew where to find my friends... where to make sure I knew if health and happiness were at least on the daily chart, so to speak. It's a challenge for me to say "You know I will send emails..." What I find fascinating, however, is the progress of blog to practice... the dicussion of the physical... it sorta peters out around second series... and I have a theory... which I'm finally getting to :) Second series is just this seriously mind blowing shit. Kiran told me this early on. Second series rocks your nerves to the core and blows your mind wide open. You can't write about that stuff... it's simply impossible. So what comes out is the humdrum day to day shit that you think no one can stand reading... only... the humdrum shit is where all the yoga is. I almost want to stand up and start singing "Let's Get Physical" but, sadly, I've misplaced my leg warmers. :) :)

Tonight... Ashtangis are gathering for Friday night chaos (I realize for some this means tea and avoidance of garlic)... for me this means wine... gluttony... and, okay, 10pm is really late for me but maybe I'll make it anyway.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:57 PM | Comments (3)

March 16, 2006

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti

Yesterday afternoon I had the pleasure of having a late lunch with an old friend. Said friend's blossoming friendship and subsequent crash and burn are documented right here in the archives of this blog thing I do... Picking up L affords me the "opportunity" to run into her since her children go to the same school... the last time I ran into her we emailed a few times trying to get together and it never materialized. So I was pretty surprised and, I'll admit, a bit nervous when she invited me to a small coffee place after pick-up. It was enjoyable... the kids were running around in the grass, by the tree, on top of the tables and we had chai and a really good vegetarian sandwich. At first we started talking about various things and then we got on the subject of yoga. It's funny how in all of my conversations somehow yoga surfaces. I think I've become a complete bore. My life is either work or yoga these days. We talked about the discipline of yoga and I realized something... The Husband told me the other night that I've chosen to do this yoga thing and make it a priority and that's where I'm at right now and that I shouldn't beat myself up feeling like a horrible parent because I choose to leave the house early every morning to practice... it's where I'm at right now... and 4 years ago where I was at was handing over my life and body, literally, to two small kids who waiting on my every breath and step and milk letdown... He's right, this is where I'm at right now and it's okay. It's okay. If only I could convince myself of that in my ego.

At some point I realized we were incredibly late... I was supposed to be getting the girl's back to the house to change for kirtan with Krishna Das. The Daughter has been so excited about it. They put on about 50 bangles and we trotted over to the studio... Kirtan was lovely though I was somewhat distracted. For some time I had both girls in my lap and then later I was worried after they left to jump around in the entry room and still later I had them in the back of the main room under the pretense of them wanting to dance... only the dancing turned into running and finally to beating the walls before Tim came over and eloquently quieted the masses with a single look and gesture of the hand (after my pleading, cajoling and finally giving over to my lack of control over them all). It was a small kirtan group but a lot of energy. I really enjoy KD's music so it was lovely to be so close and to share with all of my yoga friends.

After yoga we wanted to entertain the girls for a bit so we got our toes done and other activities. When we dropped off L I met a few people and then met Noah... at which point I finally pieced together who he was and mentioned that I knew a student of his and that I've been planning on crashing said friend's couch one day so that I can have the privilege of practicing with them. Based on his energy alone, that is something I really need to make happen.

As I was getting ready for work this morning I realized how badly my head hurt and it took me a few minutes to remember that yesterday, as I was walking into work, head down, focused on the email on my geek toy (aka Treo), I got slammed in the head by the elevator doors as I was halfway inside and halfway out... Yes, friends, I got SLAMMED in the head and have a huge welt on my head and massive pain still there. I'm an idiot. I decided since I sit in the corner and rarely see anyone that I would wear sweats to work in anticipation of leaving early to catch my flight... of course today was the day I saw everyone, got the raised eyebrow from the office manager, the Executive Directory, CIO coming to a meeting... Did I mention the word idiot already? Really good impression I'm making.

I leave shortly for the airport... Guruji in the morning, big meetings after.. then an appointment with my genetic counselor at a hospital there in the city. I'm a bit nervous about that one... while I've come through this surgery with grace or something of the sort... if I have to do the "other half" I'm gonna cry... huge bawling streams of tears. Then I spend a week in Seattle on campus at the software giant. I'm hoping to make it to Yoga Spirals while there... I packed more yoga clothes than work clothes... what does that tell you?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:35 PM | Comments (4)

March 15, 2006

Going South For the Winter

I spent the whole day yesterday in L.A. My LA days are really hard. I leave the house at 6am... I sprint to Starbucks for a Grande Mocha with No WhipCream in a Venti cup and then I race to catch the train. I then spend 2 hours trying to garner an Internet connection; either trying to steal someone's broadband or hooking up my Treo and using it as a modem (as soon as the broadband Treo is out of trial mode, I'm getting it). After arriving in LA I spend a whole day doing something and then I spent from 5:10 - 8pm trying to get home and it sucks. I tell myself to work and I often do but I also find myself exhausted and feeling like Crappy Parent #1 because I haven't seen my children all day and the odds are they'll be in bed by the time I pull into the garage. My hips get tight, my hamstrings even tight and it looks very odd (but is very good balance practice) to try stretching on the train.

Though I was supposed to have kid duty today, I fanagled a practice out of it anyway by paying The Nanny to come this morning. I was really tight when I got to practice and my arms felt like they might break for some reason. Sun Salutations were rough and standing just felt really off for some reason. I actually considered leaving but then Tiff showed up and I felt like I had to commit to stay :) Not that I would really leave it's one of those smart lies you tell yourself.

My practice was tight and not very meditative. I was in seated poses when I looked up and saw Tiff doing Utthita Hasta and I realized I plum forgot both standing balance poses. WHAT is with forgetting poses. In the very least, I should try to forget the poses I struggle with rather than the ones I actually really like. Retrograde stuff? I was in Triang Mukha when Tim saunters over and says "Why going south?" It took me a good 3 breaths into the adjustment to realize that he meant I was leaning in the direction "south"... we did the other side and he said "Why going north?" Tim has been in a very funny mood lately.

I dragged through first series today.. but I felt much better by the time I got to second series. While I was doing Laghu Vajrasana Tim was assisting the girl next to me... I did it once not coming all the way down then did it again and I think my hair was touching but I definitely wasn't crown of head... when I came up I let out a grunt to which I was admonished to keep my mouth closed. I did a couple backbends and felt pretty tight... when suddenly the girl next to me and I ended up in a quiet conversation about our personal frustrations. It's probably the longest, during practice conversation I've ever had... but I couldn't put it off any longer so I did my third backbend... and up I came. Since I had just finished telling the girl next to me my sob story of pulling off effortless standups on Sunday and then flailing Monday, she actually clapped for me! Of course, Tim wasn't watching.

My dropbacks suddenly feel horrid. I hesitated a long time today before dropping back and when I did it was really loud and horrid... I walked it in, felt around... stood up and, wala, Tim was standing right in front of me. Finally! I have been wondering why I feel the need to show him I can do it but I guess it is because he is my teacher... I mean... it's like getting an A on your homework but no one bothered to look at it :)

Today is the Krishna Das kirtan at the studio...The Daughter is really excited... it will be interesting to see if she dances like she does at home. A crazy day... getting ready for Guruji on Friday... I have no idea when I'll be able to pack!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:21 PM | Comments (4)

March 13, 2006

Second Child Syndrome

I was telling The Husband last night how odd it is that getting up at 8 was my average and now I can't imagine sleeping in... even when I can I'm up at 6. My body just gets up then. I truly thought early morning practices were the frontier on the end of the Abyss Of Things I Shall Never Be Capable Of. It's an amazing degree of discipline in so many ways and in others a simple mental choice. I suppose all disciplines are similar in that regard.

Practice this morning was a mixture. I seem to have found that old spark of passion for my practice... it's clearly one of those other frontiers The Thing I'd Never Thought I'd Be Able To Do In 10 Years... While I was eager for practice, things were awire in the subconscious. In every upward dog I felt this whistling sensation in the ether of my mind saying "Wow, hello, we're your lower back and you know, we're not really happy about this right now." I ignored it for the most part... My hips, on the other hand, felt amazingly open and happy. I got a wonderful adjustment in Supta K. To be very unyogic and quite frank, I was really nervous about the change in the assistant. It's sad to say but I've been totally in my comfort zone and it was like someone was taking my blankie away. One of the things I was feeling demonizingly unrealistic attachment for was my regular adjustment into Dwi Pada before Supta K. I knew that was something Tim would never do and that whomever took over, unless it was Kiran (who, bless her heart, has made a point to do for me every Sunday), was unlikely to do it every practice like I had been getting. It's miraculous though how the teachings infiltrate your ego... I realized today that the new assistant has a much different but equally amazing way. Today we got me into Dwi Pada on the way up. It's the second time he has said to me after 5 breaths "Okay UP!" I actually managed to hold it on my own today after he walked away.

I realized when I saw Tiff doing standing Ardha Baddha that I had plum forgotten it. I was about 5 poses or so ahead of her and I can't go back to redo that much time so I just kept going.... it was when I got to Ustrasana that I realized I also forgot Shalabasana. It's always attention grabbing when you realize that something your body does almost from second nature just got interrupted.

When I did Laghu today I could't go all the way down the first time. Tim was standing over me so I asked where exactly I should put my hands. You see everyone doing it all different ways. What I like about Tim is that he'll always tell me the traditional way first "Well, ankles is traditional..." and then he'll tell me all the implications of the other options "some people hold their knees .... more back... something something" or "some people hold their calves.... I like to ...." In many ways it is really empowering to be given the freedom to find the traditional on your own, as it comes to you, as the practice brings it. So I tried it with my hands on my ankles, straight arms, all the way down and bam just couldn't get back up. It's like there's this fine middle ground of bend in the back you HAVE to find in order to keep your legs engaged. For the record, I can't find it. When I came up we talked about working into that... I tried it again, hands on calves... much further, more control, an inch from the ground though. It's funny how the rush and heady feeling of a new pose gives you the surge to do it with grace the first try... but then you have to do the work of learning the pose.

When I got to backends, I actually didn't feel like bending my back. I think that notion right there was enough to drive every tangent of confidence I had had out of me. On the third one I came up... feet turned out a bit... As I was standing there preparing to dropback Tim came walking over, feet turned out, waddling. He told me he was watching and I instantly froze up... I dropped out of the next two stand-ups. He left... I stood up... He came back, I flailed. In the end it was almost even standups for falling back. At least, in the very very least, I am no longer afraid to fall out of a standup. In a glass is half full kinda way, hey, I stood up 3 times and that's great! Nerves.

I had to take The Daughter to the doctor today... she's been a bit sick and everyone is well aware that if we actually go see a medical doctor, we've just felt every other thing we could do wasn't working. A trip to the doctor can be good and bad. In the good I realized my youngest has her own unique growth spurt. Apparently over the 95th percentile and had a huge shoot up the chart which is, apparently, unusual for her age. Ah, a tall skinny child.. who woulda thought (for those of you who don't know what The Husband and I look like, this is said in complete sarcasm). In the bad, I, of course, always have to hear the vaccine routine. I got to answer 3 times today how my daughter can be admitted to kindergarten without her vaccines and that, yes, California is a philosophical exemption state (meaning you can sign a little box on the back of the vaccine form that says you oppose some or all vaccines and that you take responsibility for your child in the event of an outbreak and that they will be banned from being at school should one occur).

Moon day tomorrow... truth be told I would love to buck the system and practice tomorrow. In a strange twist of fate, I will be in LA all day tomorrow and will have no chance. It's probably just what my back ordered.

Hey C... dude... airport pickup?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:17 PM | Comments (1)

I'm So Smart

When I was like 12 or 13 I got a tail... you know how those were popular back in the day? Well, I cut my hair off to a real short punk rock do and decided to keep a tail... on the side. I spent the next few years (and, yes, I had it that long) consistently saying "I had it before Aimee Mann." I have no idea if I really had it before her but I do know that I had it before Til Tuesday became media centered popular. I never thought Aimee Mann got enough credit... I always say I'm gonna go see her when she's here locally and I never do.... Maybe someday....

Practice today was lovely... the room was hot as hell... sweat was pouring off everyone... I started off the practice completely impatient to finish and get to backbends. I was so excited to try standing up I could hardly stand it. By the time I got to Mari D I started feeling a bit of trepidation. I worried that I wouldn't be able to do it again. I worried that I'd fall backward. By the time we were at Setu Bandhasana, Tiff was telling me something about doing something but I tuned her out and just told myself I could do it... I did it before I could do it again. On our third backbend I was so excited to try that I popped up on the 3 count instead of waiting for 5. This meant that I was the first one up and that no one actually saw me stand up :) I then did dropbacks which were lovely and I came up between every one of them. My feet were quacking just a bit but, all in all, it felt wonderfully beautiful and, quite honestly, not so hard.

After practice a few of us got into a discussion about what exactly is the problem with turning out your feet... I wondered whether it was better to just not stand up unless I could keep my straight or to stand up and gradually move my feet in. I asked Tim the same question. His response was that splaying your feet recruits different muscles which isn't a good thing... he didn't commit to whether one should do the former or the latter... he told me to use my conscious. I'm not quite sure what my conscious feels at the moment but I do know that I enjoyed standing up so much I will probably try it again tomorrow. :)

She'll get in trouble but she will scrape through
oh, she's the kind of girl who can always find help
I'd say she's stupid, but it'd be untrue
oh, you've got to be smart if you're fooling yourself
-- Til Tuesday

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:46 AM | Comments (2)

March 10, 2006

It's A Miracle...

said in my best Barry Manilow impression....

I freakin stood up from a backbend... not once, not twice but four freakin' times... in my living room.. The Husband saw, The Nanny saw... and Tiffany is on her way over and maybe I'll have enough juice in me to do it for her...

Today was Friday which meant Yoga For Kids... since it was raining they had me in a room which had a heating vent overhead and the room got warm.... I put the kids through a backbending workout since I felt so good today... Ustrasana, Shalbasana A & B, Dhanurasana, Matsyasana, backbends... so when the kids were in Savasana I stood up and did some dropbacks... and they were nice. Usually when I do dropbacks I put my hands on my glutes or thighs and help push my weight forward... if I don't put my hands there I feel really vulnerable but today I put my hands in Namaste, looked behind me and very softly landed on the ground. I was so surprised I did it a few times.. then a few times more....

and I spent the afternoon sitting at my desk feeling this incredible opening in my back... and I realized how much I love the nerve sensations of second series....

so when I got home I thought... well I'm just gonna pull out the incline mat and try it... the first few times I fell on my back... I got frustrated and then I remembered seeing the girl with her feet splayed (Kiran read no further)... and I decided to try it and I got up... then I moved to just having my hands on the end of the mat and I did that... then I had The Husband go grab my mat... laid it down... with The Husband saying "move your feet in more... just do it you are there..." I stood up... then I had to prove I could do it again... then again....

now... to pull it off in class... manifest, manifest, manifest.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:48 PM | Comments (3)

Charley Horse

Ah practice... what I love about practice is that it always gives you exactly what you need if you open yourself up to it. Today's practice was lighthearted and fun... whereas yesterday was intense and deeply introspective, today was sorta light from the heart. I started early and wondered if I could pull off the same heat as yesterday... the room isn't all the way heated when I start early so I figured I'd have to generate a lot more tapas on my own. I concentrated a lot more on breathing. I knew I needed to do this if I was gonna do Laghu Vajrasana again. Practice was good actually. I got a killer adjustment in Trianga Mukha today... I got an Exorcism adjustment in Mari D today... Tim said "Are you in pain?" I said "No but when I can see you and you're sitting behind me it's like Exorcism." He said "Let's just make sure you don't have any green stuff coming out..then we'll be safe." Tim was in a joking mood today which probably contributed to the lightheartedness of the practice. I asked A about keeping my legs behind my head in Supta K. I got bound on my own again but then he put my legs over my head... he told me I need to put more effort on pushing the shoulders back and just not worry about the legs. As I mentioned, when I try to "engage" the legs to keep them back, they go up and then they are over my head (I have long legs). I'm going to try that next time. Pasasana rocked again today putting something under my heels. I'm just about ready to start doing it regularly I think. When Tim came over to help me in Bhekasana I told him that this is the only pose that still bothers me.. the push and pull through the chest is really difficult and I really hold back now... his response "Are you telling me to go away?" LOL... a good fun jovial mood makes practice a lot easier for all intents and purposes.

So I know all my readers are dying to know how Laghu went today. Well first I tried to go back with my legs on my ankles as Kiran mentioned yesterday... I got all the way down but couldn't get back up. I think, starting off that way, I didn't have enough lift through my hips. My largest problem, however, appears to be that once I get back there I get this gnarly cramp in my left calf. Seriously I was in pain. What is interesting is I can distinctly remember getting those during swim meetings... I have vivid memories of crying by the side of the pool in pain and I got DQ'd in a breaststroke match once because my calf cramped up and my kick was illegal because of it. So I got up from the first attempt and tried to get the pain to go away... then I tried it again, this time using my hands to help feel the insideof my thighs and pushing forward more before going back. I was *almost* at the ground while holding it and then flailed a little to come back up.... I really have to use some leverage to get back up but I didnt slam backward at least.

Backbends were okay today. My back is feeling REALLY REALLY good over the past couple days, really open and happy. I did my 6 and when Tim came to help me he was counting "1, 2.." and I came up on 2 only I guess he wasn't ready (duh, waiting for 3) and so it was a close call but I pulled it off. When he mentioned it was only 2 I told him that sometimes I can't count but really I just felt like I could push forward at that moment so I did. During dropbacks he did the same thing where he holds the backs of my thighs instead of further up like he used to. I can't figure out if this is to help me or if I've just reverted to my pre-one handed adjustment days. What I do know is that with all the effort I'm using to push into my legs and engage my quads for both Laghu and all my backbends, by the time I get to standing up my quads have little juice left in them.

As I'm laying in savasana I hear Tim telling Tiff about how they actually did a study to determine if Kansas is flatter than a pancake... they measured the slopes of each or something... and, as it turns out, Kansas really is flatter than a pancake (and apparently TIffany was this morning too). Fascinating things you learn in practice...

For some reason, my arms are killing me today... and, of course, given the continuous cramp in my calf since Laghu, I'm in agony wearing my new 3" heels I got last night in the mail but they look cute nonetheless. What makes you cramp? Am I missing something in my diet?

Next week SF and Guruji and Neti and Cameron and I think Jenna... LAPROXDOC will be there... fun fun fun fun!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:43 PM | Comments (7)

March 9, 2006

The Universe Calls

I stayed up late last night to watch Project Runway with The Husband so when I woke up 5 minutes before the alarm this morning, I considered just calling it a Thursday and not trying to fit in Mysore. I had told myself today was going to be the first official day of trying to go into the office at 6am, leaving at 8:40, practicing until 10:30 and then coming back to the office (yes, dear practitioners of yoga, if you do the math, this means I have to not waste an ounce of time during practice but I'm getting quite skilled at that). I put on a bit of makeup so I wouldn't scare anyone in the office who might see me, threw on yoga clothes and go to work really, really early. It felt a little odd to be leaving just as everyone else was arriving and I was nervous I would "get fired" or something but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. I've been so sad and bummed and stressed out and just emotionally a basketcase to be quite frank... I needed to practice. What's more I needed to go into practice with the determination I used to have because I've been feeling totally sorry for myself and like a complete ass.

A 9am practice rocks... it's hot... you're body is open... I miss Tuesday and Thursday practices... I miss that openness that you simply don't have at 6am. I had a wonderful practice today. My body was happy, my muscles were strong, I managed to do jump throughs the entire practice. I was feeling so good I even considered handstands between Navasanas but didn't.... shit I got bound all the way, not just finger to finger, in Supta Kurmasana today... it was the best it has been since July 10 of last year. Everything was just right today... my mental determination was there, concentration, aggression... it all came together in one beautiful burst of prana and I felt awesome. Pasasana today was amazing... I felt twisted and I was lifting through my quads (though I did put something under my heels). I was so open by the time I got to Ustrasana... open and happy and calm and centered... so when I did a Vinyasa, laid on my back and then saw Tim staring at me I got a bit scared. He says "Well..." so I defiantly (for some unknown reason to myself) say "Well what?" At which point I was given Laghu Vajrasana with the comment that it was all about legs "the story of my life" and I looked at Tim, rolled my eyes in adamant fear and drew myself to my knees again. Laghu Vajrasana... since everyone heard it, people were looking, what if I couldn't pull it off? What if I flailed? As it turns out, I just didn't care once I got there... I remembered Kiran telling me to look at my nose ring... I forgot for a minute... I remember Neti saying just go down to where you think you can't get back up... I did that... came up... said "I'm supposed to stay down there for 5 breaths, eh?" Response: "AT LEAST!" with a grunt... .so back to my knees, back to my nose ring... head to the ground... and then I cheated a bit... I put my left forearm sorta on my calf and used it a bit to push and then I came up... no drama... I even got a "good" and Kiran looked over and said "That wasn't bad!"

Ah... backbends... what can I say... they felt great today... I did a little bit of rocking today. I could feel a lot more today (probably because my quads were burning for Laghu Vajrasana). I got up on my heels and I felt like "Okay if I just pushed a LITTLE further I'd come up" but then Tim came and he was pushing my legs an entirely different directoin so I felt like I must have been doing it wrong...and when he tried to help me up... I lost it... I said "Oh shit" and landed on my back. He tried to catch me but couldn't. We tried it again... this time with more success.. but I feel no closer to the mojo, you know. I watched the girl across from me stand up today...she rocked a bunch of times and then turned her feet way out to come up... I wonder if I should try that instead of trying to keep form so much just to feel it.

I cried in savasana today... actually I started crying in Padmasana and then just let it go in savasana... I needed to cry. I left practice just high... I so needed to have a good and regular practice without feeling like I was recovering... then I realized I forgot shoes... I only had flip flops so I bought this cheap and ugly skirt at Tillys to wear to work...

Keeping the practice high today....

P.S. how bad can practice be when you get to practice next to this energy -- Mommy/Baby Kurmasana (D, my man, don't forget to show your wife....)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:17 PM | Comments (7)

March 8, 2006

Retrograde Wackiness

I slept like a rock last night. First time in a long time so getting up early for practice was no big deal. I started about 20 minutes early, no one else was there except the pranayama folks and my body felt tight and unhappy. Standing poses were fine, meditative and decent and then I got to seated and I suddenly had this overwhelming pity party for myself. I thought I should just quit yoga... afterall I'm "getting" nowhere physically, my practice sucks, my body isn't the same since surgery and probably never will be, I look like crap, I'm gaining weight... maybe I should just do something that will enable me to lose weight instead. I had all these thoughts and then got to Mari B where sobs just started welling up. I closed my eyes really tightly and, of course, the breath stopped. I stayed in the first side long enough that I thought I wouldn't just openly start bawling, moved to the second side to catch my breath... I couldn't decide whether I should just let myself cry or hold it back... for sure I wasn't breathing so in the vinyasa out I got the breath back and held it together. I have no idea what I would have been crying about but crying is what I felt like doing nonetheless.

The rest of primary was okay... For some reason today I fell out of Udrhva Mukha Paschimottasana... I don't think I've ever fallen out of that before... Of course, Tim was standing in front of me, he grunted, I tried again, fell out of it again.. he made some comment and I could only catch my daughter's name... then he came and helped me... when he let go, I fell out of it again. Very strange.... when I asked him what he said he responded that I must have been channeling my daughter, took one look at him and got terrified.... I told him I was gonna start using that excuse more often.

So with a disasterously emotional first series practice, I was a bit nervous to do any second series but, in truth, this is where my body just opened up. I suddenly felt strong and full of prana. I really enjoyed all of my second series poses today... which of course left me wanting for Laghu Vajrasana even though I know I can't do it. I have really enjoyed trying to get up from Kapotasana the last two practices so I feel an itch to get there... patience and time... and quitting won't help. I did 12 backbends today. They felt okay but by 12 my quads were burning and Tim was nowhere in sight. When he finally came over I wasn't sure if my quads had enough juice to try and stand up... plus I truly have no idea how to do it. He helped me up and then today for dropbacks he held me only on the backs of my thighs which was an interesting sensation for dropbacks and very different than how we normally do them. I swear I wish someone would just tell me the one magical component of getting up... I was never very good at multiple instructions and having to remember to push through the thighs and hips, rock this way then that, push with the hands...it's all just too much.

So I don't really know what to make of my practice today... or where I am emotionally. I feel spent and drained and sad. I feel stressed and scared and like a rung out washcloth... but I have no real idea why.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:35 PM | Comments (4)

March 7, 2006

Not Much...

I woke up pissed off today. Or maybe it wasn't pissed off but just emotionally drained and tired and frustrated and grumpy... The Son had an accident in the middle of the night, The Daughter decided to join us at some point before dawn... maybe lack of sleep or maybe I'm just in one of those deep low valleys... I wonder if buying shoes would make it all go away ;)

I did, however, manage to practice.... not a real practice but a semblance of one... I went to the health club at noon planning to do a short second series practice. I decided to try Kapotasana again to see if I could get up. I think practicing for longer would have heated me up before because I wasn't very open (which might be more related to my grumpiness than not). I still can't get up in LaghuVajrasana... I just don't get that pose... I was really tight when I tried kapotasana today... I could just barely get my toes... but I did manage to come up with only a minor flail with one arm. I did a bunch of backbends. I even laid down on my mat and visualized coming up... but it didn't happen... and, of course, my mood completely plummeted after that. Talk about total and complete attachment to the physical...

It didn't help that I then weighed myself...

I then spent the rest of the afternoon completely in a whirlwind trying to learn AJAX (not as in dishwashing soap) and whether to use a wrapper for dot net and what not. Oh the joys of writing code. I came home just as grumpy as when I left... I see no end in sight to my mood... I miss my lazy days of kids and yoga and work as the third thing on the list...

I think I'm gonna go look at shoes.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:58 PM | Comments (3)

March 6, 2006

Crappy Day

Today just sucked. No two ways about it. It's all really boring and hohum. Missed practice, train to LA, lots of political intrigue and misery at The Office, happened upon the article about Alloderm being recalled at the end of last year. You know those guys in New Jersey who were harvesting body parts and forging documents? Yea, those guys, they distributed body parts to the manufacturer of Alloderm. The company, they did a voluntary recall of the Alloderm... hahahahahahaha how the hell do you do a RECALL of a product that gets IMPLANTED into the body. A recall. So I read it, read the name of the company that manufactured the cadaver tissue in my body, read the dates and thought "OH SHIT!" My heart just plummeted and I thought "Great, THIS is what I need to deal with... THIS... on top of the rest of my crappy ass day, I get to deal with THIS!" More political mumbo jumbo and, in the middle of a meeting, my phone rings... It was a FORCE friend who had also had surgery a couple weeks before me, she's also a doctor. She wanted to be the one to tell me about the situation and to give me the "good" news which was that she contacted both our doctor and the company and both assured her that our doctor was never given tissue originating from the cited company. She also wanted to tell me about the article in this week's people with the woman who apparently had bilateral mastectomies with Alloderm reconstruction and was the recipient of some of the cadaver tissue in question.

I spent the entire train ride home with that horribly empty feeling of just having had a really freakin' crappy day. The kind where you just want to come home have a glass of wine or three and stop the train for awhile. Instead, I looked at fashion magazines and felt sorry for myself with sad songs on the iPod.

It would be nice to say I'd work it out with practice tomorrow... only I got kid duty tomorrow so no practice is in the cards. Wednesday though... and my meeting Friday got canceled... and I'm gonna try to do the work early/practice at 9 thing on Thursday... and... tomorrow has to be a better day.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:41 PM | Comments (2)

March 5, 2006

Your Own Personal Ishvara

Idyllwild was simply lovely... the only thing necessary to leave behind in the memory sweeper is the food. Idyllwild is certainly not a town with the stomach at heart but, otherwise, we had a wonderfully relaxing, spiritual, restful, married, mind blowing weekend. The Husband gave me a Ganesh for our anniversary. I asked him if he found it odd at all that our kids are growing up around this yoga thing... He told me that he didn't want to marry someone who was stagnant in their person and he didn't. We talked a lot about the psychology of our parenting right now and our children's variety of current growing pains. We even went to the Theory store on the way home :)

Tonight I went to the new Sunday Intro to Second class. I did throw out the mat yesterday at 6:45am, living room of the bed & breakfast we were staying in since there wasn't room in the room... it was cold... like 25.... so cold... in fact, after standing, a couple seated positions, I realized my toes were literally numb and I gave up. We didn't, of course, get home in time for regular Sunday practice and I hadn't eaten all day, I ate some HORRIBLE organic chicken nuggets that I got for The Kids and they didn't want... and a couple hours later I went to practice... maybe not the smartest move I've made in awhile. It was really interesting to take this class since A was the teacher. I don't think I've ever actually taken a class from A before or maybe just once... the focus is much different and more on the back and opening the front... all of those things which are incredibly difficult for me and push my edge. I was pretty surprised tonight when I got up from Kapotasana (only to my toes, not heels.. one day it will be interesting to be adjusted in that pose). I've never successfully gotten up from Kapotasana and I was genuinely surprised.. I even felt it, the movement of coming up with my hips and thighs. Fascinating.. you'd think no one ever told me to focus there before ;-)

After that I felt like I was going to puke... literally. I was a bit nauseous for the rest of practice including through backbends. We practicing some drop backs that I barely attempted first because my edge is so totally throttled and second because my stomach was doing tumbles. After class I ran into my midwife. I haven't seen her in a long time and I got to relay the story about the birth the other night.

Later, when reflecting on my day and practice I realized that that feeling, the one where I felt like I was missing something throughout the practice the other day... I still feel like that only the feeling is more than there is this energy, this thought, this idea, this acceptance right in front of me that I haven't seen yet, it's right there and I can taste it but I haven't felt it.... One of the things we've talked about at teacher training in Tulum is the idea of picking a diety... that thought never resonated with me as something important for me to do... or something that was a passage on my path... but suddenly I've had this deep seated gnawing that this is something I'm supposed to pay attention to. I can't say that I feel the need to pick one but there is something surrounding this idea that is bugging me.. I just can't put my finger on it. It's funny though... because if you had asked me "Okay just tell me your current favorite?" I'd say Ganesh. I've felt that way since the day in the hospital when Lucia gave me the Ganesh I had been praying for. I think I mentioned that I had the idea to get new ink in some sort of Ganesh theme... ever since I emailed my tattoo artist I've been seeing Hanuman everywhere. Dreams, cards, books, The Daughter is suddenly talking about Hanuman (thanks to Curious George)... I get no tangible energy from what this means... but it's making me stop to think.

Practice this week is going to be next to non-existent. Tomorrow L.A., Tuesday I have kid duty but maybe a self-practice during lunch. W/TH are likelies and Friday I'm up in L.A. again. I tried reviewing the schedule for Metrolink to see if I could practice up at Diane's place and then catch the train from Laguna Nigel but the times are all odd. Here it comes.. the inching away of my practice... the give and take... the part I'm just not sure I'm ready for.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:28 PM | Comments (2)

March 3, 2006

4 Years & 51 Days

Four years and 51 days is how long it has taken me to get here, friends....

Post # 1000

It's actually fairly amazing if you think about it. Four years... 1000 posts...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:32 PM | Comments (6)

March 2, 2006

999

We took the kids to Souplantation tonight. While we were there I saw a mom with two kids walk past to the ice cream bar. There were lots of moms with kids there (the Souplantation by my house is all families and if you see someone single there, you wonder why they would come) but this mom was special.. she had clearly lost her hair, was wearing a pink ribbon colored head band and a baseball cap. This mom was clearly living my worst nightmare. My heart just broke, I felt tears in welling up inside me and, more than anything, I felt amazingly empty... and I felt somehow like a big fat cheat. Like I stole someone's paper from the homework bin and erased their name for mine. When I mentioned this to The Husband his response was "This is why we did this... so you don't have to be like her." That's when I realized it... I am like her. I'm not saying I have any semblance of her experience and her agony and her pain... but I could be her and I am her and that makes me angry and incredibly sad.

Later tonight I was thinking about something someone close to me told me in passing... sorta a joke actually... well, it was a joke, one of those masked with truths but still a joke. They said "Yea, I was just thinking about your bxxbs." It wasn't said in the context of my having mastectomies or fake bxxbs and the point of the whole conversation isn't really necessary... in fact, the comment didn't even register with me at the time... until just a few minutes ago as I was getitng out of the bath and thinking about the woman in Souplantation and I realized "I don't have bxxbs." It makes me uncomfortable when someone comments on my breasts whether it's in passing as a joke or my husband... I don't have bxxbs..these aren't mine, they aren't bxxbs... I hope someday they will but that time hasn't come yet... in fact, I keep thinking that it's this subconscious journey of acceptance (and maybe it is) but maybe the reality is I have to do some work here... if only I knew what that work was.

Tonight The Son and I had a lovely conversation. I felt so whole after. In school they had to give a presentation naming the three things they'd do if they were president, The Son said he would accept all laws that were not negative or bad, help the Earth and end all wars. A proud parent moment (especially since I heard some of the other kids said they'd make ice cream a healthy food that you had 4 times a day... hahahaha... now that's what I'd expect out of The Son)... but really the conversation in and of itself was the reward. It's been a long time since we've connected in that way. And, V, in case you are still reading -- beware, apparently the boys in the class decided to make their Flat Stanleys "evil" -- The Son says his is the best complete with skull & cross bones. I can't wait to see it in pictures from England.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:45 PM | Comments (3)

998

For those of you who know the saga of my practice today already, laugh your ass off... at least I practiced at all. I may have been scrambling... and I may have been stressed out... but practice nonetheless I did. The new studio is warm, not overly hot. The lady next to me today said it was too cold and went and put her jacket on (she also practices on a lamby -- you know those fuzzy sheepskin things we used to use for our babies?). Warm is nice... sweating again is nice... ah, how I missed the sweat. The studio is coming along... still no glass in the doors but things are moving along. The oddball practice hour meant the room was pretty empty (as compared to yesterday) and I made sure to stay well away from the new pillars in the room. My practice was nice and open and light. I'm finding that my strength is coming back... I can jump through for a good portion of the practice, padma mayurasana is coming back. Today Konasana just felt amazing... I would have stayed there forever if I didn't have children and work responsibilities calling at me from the back of my subconscious. I got to thinking today.. what are you supposed to "feel" in Mari B? I don't feel anything.. it's like a resting pose for me. Your inner thigh (abductor?)? I finally feel like I can do Setu Bandhasana again without feeling like my head is going to explode on the ground underneath me.

Today in Bhekasana I got this wierd pain... on the stitched side, it really really hurt. When the assistant was helping me in the pose today I had to explain this is the only pose that still causes me a lot of problems. He tried helping me but it really really really hurt, bad hurt so I stopped. Backbends were great... I just felt great.... and with Tim out of town, well, I had the notion of trying to come up on my own. I rocked a bit... chickened out, rocked a bit more than suddenly someone was pulling my legs and I let go and I wasn't up enough and I was pretty close to losing it but I pulled it off. Rich was there helping but I didn't know he was coming and wasn't ready. He said he was sure I was going to drop to my head and was surprised I pulled that off since my head was inches from the floor when I let my hands go. So we did a few dropbacks with me coming up. He said each one he was helping less and less and finally on the last one he said "See I barely helped you" -- I said "Yes, but you were still there." I know it is coming... coming... slowly coming... practice... coming.

I finally got my first lesson in "working parenthood" -- the daughter has this ice skating school thing... it's really hard to do this with two parents working... really hard. I'm still not 100% comfortable with my decision and when I realized how angry I was getting that the other parents scheduled this outing during school hours, I realized I needed to check myself. Stressing out was not going to solve anything. Still no solution but non-attachment has helped the stress.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:07 PM | Comments (5)

March 1, 2006

997

Tonight was a climax with The Son. Lately everything has come down to how mean we are, how much more we love his sister and how it isn't his fault (someone else made him do it). Tonight he threw a tantrum when he first said he didn't want to go to dinner (and we even offered Souplantation) and then when we said we weren't going he wanted to go. He threatened to run away. He said he wanted to find a new family. He said we loved his sister more. Periodically The Husband and I looked at each other and stiffled giggles and periodically I had that horrendous feeling that I've failed miserably as a parent with my oldest child. Of course, none of this was lost on The Daughter who decided to pull her own long face out of a hat, shed a few tears, lay her body over mine and act as if the life had been whipped out of her. I almost thought that the sound of "the office" wasn't so bad. In the end, we held our own, The Son did walk out the front door.... and came in the garage door about a minute later. We did debate what we would do if he actually walked away from the house. We never came up with an answer... do you go after them? Let them have some time? Follow them at a distinct distance so they have no idea you're following them? I am consistently finding myself wondering if I'm suddenly coming into that time period with The Son where I simply don't get it. I'm a female and he's a male and there are certain things he does that I simply don't get. Often when I say "I love you" he says "Okay." If I hug him, he'll maybe listlessly throw his arms around my neck but then slouch and pull away after a minute or so. Maybe it's the age.... maybe I really have failed miserably as a parent :-) (said with a tainted laugh of doubt).

Today I went down to the mall to pick up The Husband's anniversary gift.... I left Nordstroms with these. Slightly less of a heel than the stiletos but still fairly high... I'm still deciding whether I shall keep them... I might go for something more strappy actually. I did manage to buy The Husband something I've never purchased for him before. I don't want to talk about it now on the off chance The Husband reads my blog. I'm fairly positive he doesn't. He has indicated that he feels this is my space and he doesn't impose.... I told him with 500 hits a day, well, an imposition is the last thing he'd be. We are leaving Friday for a weekend away up in Idyllwild at Strawberry Creek Inn. It should be lovely and freakin' cold.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:31 PM | Comments (4)

New Spaces

This morning I left the house early... but when I got to the new studio, I could see the pranayama class in the room, the screen wasn't up. In an effort to be respectful, I didn't want to start practicing but I was also a bit ancy because I needed to be out of there early. In the end, more people showed up early to wait, I guess, so I just started practicing. I felt really bad when people started practicing early after they noticed I was. I suppose I'll talk to Tim about it again but with the added distance, I really must have that jump start to the practice.

The room was crowded. First day in the new studio and many, many faces were there. Pranayama was larger than I've seen it in the past year. We were inches away from each other like it used to be, there was heat... lots of good energy. In physical progress, I was able to pull off Padma Mayruasana both times today (after Garbha P and then after Baddha Padmasana). Pretty interesting as that was the pose I've been saying I would never be able to do again. Other mindless musings over practice: Without R, who's gonna put me in DwiPada before Supta K now *sob*; all practice I kept feeling like I was forgetting something, a pose, something... I never figured out if I was missing something but I was so spaced out and out of my body that everytime I'd come around I'd wonder "did I skip a pose?"; backbends actually felt quite nice today... on my last one, Tim did something different today, instead of resisting his pressure, he had his hands on my quads somewhere and was sorta pushing more down then he said "come up" and I listened... and it felt like it was all me. After dropbacks with the one handed assist, my hand hit the wall but I pulled it off with ease... it's getting easier which means with time it's coming.

With KJS and V leaving the Blogosphere I feel some sort of empty knot... two of my favorite people and bloggers... It almost feels like part of my Internet family has left the buliding :) I've considered many times in the past taking my blog offline... sometimes when I worry that someone I know in real life has found it and other times when I think I'm even boring myself (which actually happens quite often) but, in the end, I keep asking myself the question "how long can I keep doing this?" and then I'll look through the archives and realize that my kid's first steps, first words, my first tries at things, whatever is all in here and I totally suck at doing baby books. Here it is blog, baby book, yoga journal, recovery journey... all jumbled together in this public space that makes some people think I'm batty and others think I'm just plain wierd.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:34 PM | Comments (4)

Big Long Whine

If you're looking to alleviate your boredom or live vicariously through the blogging of others, I give you fair warning that you might want to just skip this blog post. I've been thinking through my mind of just not blogging... all day. I mean why write about the fucking crappy shit but, in the end, this is a discpline and a practice and so I'm going to write stream of thought through all the crap....

Last night I went to a benefit dinner with the keynote by the scientist who found the BRCA genes. I don't want to get into the nitty gritty but it was a horrendous evening for me in many ways. First one of my genetic doctors was at the table... he could barely remember anything about me except that he was sure I had made a mistake in having surgery. It was only after reiterating my entire history to him (again) that he said that it is true that even if my mother were to test positive and I negative, given my paternal history, he could still not tell me I had the average risk rate of an American woman. I've been through this and through this. I've talked to so many doctors, I've second guessed myself and eventually I just put my trust in the 3 doctors that I felt the most comfortable with and who all agreed that this procedure wasn't something I was doing out of fear and misinformation. It sucks to sit in a room of people and feel that they would all judge you for this choice you've made. You can't argue with my family history -- hell, when I can get an insurance company to pay for this procedure based on family history, you know it has to be pretty significant. They don't want to pay for anything.

In addition to the whole issue of whether to have surgery or not there as a lot of resistance, shit, I'll just say it, judgment about nipple sparing procedures. In fact, the scientist of note actually said that anyone who sees a doctor who would recommend nipple sparing should talk to someone else. I interrupted a woman who was about to go off on the procedure (after saying "and now some women are going out and getting nipple sparing..." in a completely derogatory and judgmental tone) and said "Just so you know, before you continue, I had that procedure..." It's true that leaving your nipples in tact increases your risk rate. The general consensus is that it leavs a 5% risk rather than 2% if you remove them. 5% is still less than you or you or you or you. I completely agree that all women facing these choices need to make the right choice for them... let's lose the judgment... I'm happy you took yours off and I'm happy I left mine on.

What this night did remind me of, however, is the importance of doing the testing so I can determine whether I have to have the "other half" done. The thing is, I really don't want to go to the genetic doctor here. I must do it though... I can't let "all" of this go until that's done.

With 3 conference calls and a parent-teacher conference, there was no way for me to practice today. Tomorrow, first practice, new space... and likely myself and Tiff will be the first people to lay out our mats and practice. I'm really excited to be in a permanent place and get used to the feel and vibe and, more importantly, the drive. It is further and I need to work out an appropriate schedule. The new website and schedule are up. Whoohooo!

Guruji's tour is coming up fast... I'm still pondering whether I can get through a led class without telling a teacher that I'm "recovering" -- if it weren't for Utpluthi I probably could. I'm able to get through the chatarungas now with just a little cheat. I still struggle through headstands but I'm actually able to hold them better now.

Boring, crabby, pissed off post but that's okay...everyone's deserving of one of those every now and again.

KJS -- like Neti, say it ain't so... I was sorta hoping it was just related to the Scooter Diaries since that was your category! If it is so... I will miss you... please keep in touch. You rock and you better keep up with the cartoons :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:39 AM