facing inward

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February 26, 2006

That'll be one Happy Meal please.

It felt so good to sleep last night. I finally felt caught up when I woke up... ah.... Practice was awesome. It was so hot in there I even had to pull the blanket out for seated postures. I don't sweat much by nature but I was loaded today. One of those days when you take off your shirt after practice and it's a wet blob. Today's major attached-to-the-physical moment was when I successfully pulled off the vinyasa transition for Garbha Pindasana. The funny thing was, I just didn't think about it. I just, for whatever reason, just didn't give a split second of thought as to where I was gonna put these implants and boom there it was. It wasn't like it used to be but it was there and that's a huge moment for me.

In many ways, it's like a gift... I've been struggling over the past couple days with my emotions. In some ways I think to myself "I should just be the hell over this whole thing already." The reality is, I likely won't be over "it" anytime soon, I suppose. It's become a part of the lessons in this lifetime... the things I have to work the journey through. The practice has this way of showing us that, with all those lessons, sometimes you just gotta let it all go, not think and just do. Less thinking, more doing.

After practice I took The Daughter and we met up with Tiff for a girl's day out. We got smoothies at Jimbos. We made an appointment for manicures and pedicures. We went and had sushi while we waited (and I don't mind saying with full motherly pride that The Daughter was quite cute trying to use chopsticks for her avocado roll)... We happened to run into C checking out the new studio so we got to go check it out too. It's really nice inside. The wood floors look beautiful. It will be wonderful to see it with all the energy of Hanuman in there! Wednesday... I'm over wondering how different it's going to be or how much further or what the new class times might be... I'm just ready to be somewhere where we're "home." I love the temporary space though... okay well... it would be perfect with heat and I don't mind saying I am STOKED we'll have heat on Wednesday.

The Daughter got purple nail polish with little fishes on her toes and a flower that matched the one Tiff and I got on our toes on her thumbs. Tiff and I went to the bookstore and had a run in with a scary guy in the "self-help" aisle who was determined to listen to our sex conversation and chime in with his expert opinion. With The Daughter having so much attention, I decided I really had to spend equal attention on The Son. Of course, he has no desire to get his toes done but he DID really, really want to go to McDonalds. And, so friends, I ate at McDonalds tonight. GAG... but, really... in my Beat Myself Up Have To Be Always Equal Mommy Paranoia Mode, equal meant "anywhere" he wanted to eat. Why those words came out of my mouth I have no idea but there I was at McDonalds tonight, reading Garfield at the table with my oldest child.

I bought lipgloss today. It's freaking me out... stilletos, earrings, manicures, pedicures, dresses, makeup, births... I might just really be a girl! Wild.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:59 PM | Comments (5)

February 25, 2006

5

Man, I'll tell ya... I'm so wiped out. Emotionally, Physically... it's amazing but I just feel totally out of it suddenly. I haven't practiced in like a week, since Monday and, yet, it feels like yesterday. At least I have an excuse for the past 2 days, Ladie's Days, but I've gotta get my act back together. No wonder I'm a littling mess.

Before I begin, let me start by saying that I'm having my second dessert by new health food store brand smart TREAT and I have to say it rocks. The ingredients are few: organic brown crispy rice, organic brown rice syrup, organic coconut, chocolate (made with rapadura, coca liquer, unrefined cocao butter, vanilla extract) and, lastly, Ricemellow Creme. The name is "chocolate mellow krispie" and I originally bought them for The Daughter's birthday celebration at preschool but since I was at the hospital all Thursday, I never got time to mactually make anything with them. What is Ricemellow anyway? Rice - mellow. Like a marshmellow? They are like chocolate rice krispie treats with chocolate chips only way less sticky. ricemellow. Who knew!

Today was The Daughter's birthday. Her birth story is under the "On This Day" link for her first birthday (beware, some n*d*t* involved and it's not like sexy, it's childbirth). I mean, afterall, I know some of you AMUers are actually still around ;) We didn't do much of anything. We went to Kis for lunch and then I slept all afternoon. I feel like we've let them down so much for their birthdays but they wanted Disneyland for a weekend instead of parties. I felt some obligation to them for a party and presents but then I got thinkig about how silly that was. Afterall, they know what a party means adn they opted for not so they made a conscious choice and I should feel good about that. The Never Good Enough Parent side of me feels as if I've stabbed my heart as it stands on my sleeve that I've deprived them of a party. :) :)

I have been thinking of taking The Daughter to Krishna Das while he's here. She loves a couple of his songs and I think she'd really dig it. We might and probably would have to leave early but would enjoying that energy with her be worth not staying for a whole concert? I think it would.

Tonight I wondered how people pick their Ishwara diety. I've never really thought about actually picking one before. I mean, it just didn't seem like something I needed to do on my path of spiritualness but suddenly tonight I started considering what that meant (I don't think I'm 100% sure yet) and had some deep rooted inclination that I'm supposed to do this... if I could only figure out just what (or who) it is that calls me.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:48 PM

February 24, 2006

Dude

I thought long and hard about a witty title that would somehow capture the magic, frustration, miraculous and a million other adjectives 48 hours I've had but somehow the word I always came to at the end was "Dude!" (said in my best Southern California proud to be a California Princess surfer girl accent). So Dude it is.

I don't want to go in chronological order though... that would be too boring... so let's start by saying that the many revelations and emotions and mirrors swirling in the mist around me has been almost overwhelming at times. First, I decided to go to that breast cancer dinner. It's freakin' me out. I can't really pinpoint it but a part of me just wants to forget everything I know about cancer, genetic risk, surgery, drains, silicone implants and whatnot. I just want to be completely oblivious to it. I realize that just because I've had this surgery doesn't mean that suddenly the world of cancer is something that I simply can and should ignore but, it's just that, right now, I'm done. I just want to be done and not think about that fucking stupid cancer word for at least long enough to feel numb to it for just a little while, KWIM? So, as I was feeling this teeter totter I got an email from another person who has to go through this horrendous experience asking me to tell her about my experiences. Turns out she lives right up the street from me, probably leads a very similar life to me... that really sucks dude.

There's a lot of things I don't actually blog about in my life. Most of the time, those are limited to those things that aren't about me personally but that touch me in some way of importance. Last night I had the privilege of helping a child take their first breaths in the world.... and it was amazing. It made me remember, and if you read the early writings of this blog you'd read, just how much of myself I feel like I've mourned as the mother who identified herself with breastfeeding and homebirthing and all of those other laundry list AMU! items (funny how one little website can coin a whole identity type, eh (though I'm fairly sure I've lost all of my AMU! reading readers ;>)). As the children have aged, I have aged. I'm more moderate, more flexible and certainly a firm believer in never saying never because never always comes. That's really a scary thought and, at the same time, one that reminds us that living in the moment is truly about the moment.

An interesting thing happened to me during this experience. After the birth was over, I was in the hallway giving the mother some time with those close to her and the baby. The doctor turned around and said he wanted to ask me for my card, he thought I was a professional doula and wanted to refer me to his patients. I was a little taken aback when I said "Oh, I'm just the Aunt." When he acted surprised that I was just the Aunt and not a doula he and said "Well you were amazing in there with her," it really stunned me from the inside out. While I was never one of the women who really had high cravings for being a midwife or a doula or an herbalist or something of that sort, the lure of such an occupation was always there. It's really just a comfort zone to be a software developer.... I feel like there is so much of the soul in some of those other occupations that sound like amazing experiences during one's lifetime. I've been at a couple births, namely my own, and I talked to Muse early on in her homebirth, this time around, I was holidng the legs, holding the hand, telling her to look into my eyes, to see me and know she could do this, and withstanding the force of her pushing and it was powerful.... and it reminded me of being a woman and how suddenly I feel this overwhelming sense in my life of feeling perfect and okay as a woman. That might sound silly but I've never been much of a comfortable woman. High heeled shoes, earrings, telephone calls (shit, I talked to 4 people on the phone today, like talked to them... wild) and the remembrance that 5 years ago in less than 24 hours was when my body was giving life to these small miracles that hold so many lessons for us.... I feel moved by mountains with the experience of being part of that birth last night... can you imagine getting to feel that magic for a living? Dude.

The downside is I haven't actually slept in days (literally). I had this crappy day at work (gee, was I tired?). I spent 4 hours troubleshooting beta code that turned out to be bad because I had the latest version of some piece of something and you know versioning is really important when we're talking about playing with the big boys. I came home to what felt like crisis....

but in the end, I still feel this amazing sense of accomplishment, pride and pure thankfulness at having been given the opportunity to experience life in such a manner. I think it might live inside me forever.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:23 PM | Comments (5)

February 22, 2006

I think I'm Smart, I think I'm Smart

Ever since I've re-entered the real world I have this overwhelming sense of imminent defeat. It's like I didn't have to use my brain so long or prove anything that I'm really quite convinced I've lost at least half of my brain cells and someday, really soon, someone's gonna figure out I don't know shit. It's funny though because I often get told how smart I am and I stand there thinking "right, if you only knew I'm just pulling all this out of my ass." Today I got in this conversation with one of the attorneys at the office. We started off talking about positive discipine with kids (which is cool in its own right) and then about the differences between the male and female brain. At some point I realized that he was essentially comparing my intelligence to his level of intelligence (and we all know lawyers have pretty big opinions of their intelligence level). Someday, it's all gonna come to a head ;)

I didn't practice today. I realized if I did, I wasn't gonna see my kids for 48 hours and I thought that was a horrible thing as a parent to do so I didn't. I spent a good portion of the day beating myself up for not finding two hours somewhere to practice... maybe even an hour... but I didn't and I don't know when I could find it so why beat myself up about it.

I had to help The Son find a current event for school tonight... who the hell knew that finding a current event suitable for an 8 year old child could be so hard. The news is scary... I couldn't find anything other than Japan launching satellites and even then it gets into the fact that they need to "spy on neighbor countries" and whatnot... Parenting is only gonna get harder.

I'm now officially obsessed by shoes. If I open up the world to having shoes with heels on them, there are some really freaking cute shoes out there. If only I didn't have these breasts to pay off. Who knew I'd start to feel more femininity post mastectomy.... the lessons can be found even in the most horribly wrapped packages.

Speaking of which, there is a large cancer event here in town on Monday. The "finder" of the BRCA1/2 genes, essentially, is giving a keynote and will be doing a benefit dinner. I should go... I'm afraid to go. I wonder if every day that I look in the mirror I'll make mental note that my breasts are not my own? Or, instead, will those thoughts dissipate like the other myriad of things I've had to get past?

The Husband and I are going to have date night this weekend. It won't be a long one since we're leaving the kids with my niece but it will be nice to go out and get a drink and get a groove on. We're gonna go to the new wine bar in Encinitas and have a casual dinner somewhere. I think I should wear the stilletos... just for fun.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:28 PM | Comments (6)

February 20, 2006

Yoga Is Not Gymnastics

Practice this morning was good. Just a regular practice with little mental drama, nope, not even over backbends. I did like 9 before Tim got to me and I just kept the motto of "This getting up one handed is really no big deal." It seems to be working. I realized today, however, that the primary series is a place of comfort for me. It's not that I'm no longer physically challenged but it also isn't this place of "the edge" physically either. It's an interesting thought to think on for awhile.

After practice I had the kids all day. It's been a long time since I had the kids all day. We met up with Tiff for lunch, then the yoga store, then SoulScape (lest you think this was not kid friendly, my kids love "The Crystal Store" as they call it, they have quite a collection of crystals going that were the ones that "called out to them" as I always tell them)... after that I spent an hour in the toy store with them. I bought them some Sea Monkeys without their knowing it which should be fun to do. They each brought a bucket of change with them to buy something. I always feel bad for the girl at the counter who has to count out $12 in dimes, nickles and pennies. :)

From the toy store, we went to The Daughter's gymnastics class which I love to watch. These little kids can be so amazing. Today an older girl was having a private lesson and they set up right in front of me. At first she was doing back walkovers. They start out with a foot in front of the other, legs engaged, hands straight up, then drop back, then up and over. Each time I watched her she was totally leaning into her right hip to drop back. Because of this she was consistently off balance and not landing straight. This was alright on the floor but then they started doing it on the beam. I wanted to yell "Dudes! She's totally got her hips out of alignment there's no way she can land it!" Finally one of the other coaches told her coach exactly that. I watched them do this wierd "massage/exercise" with her and I got to wondering how that was going to help her get her hips straight. Seems to me like maybe she needs to do something that forces her to keep them straight and bend back (like kapotasana!). Later she was doing this thing where she laid down on the beam and then rocked over in a backwards sommersault, straight into a handstand and then down. Same hip issue. What I realized however is that yoga is so not gymnastics. The focus is completely different though many of the uses of the body can be the same.

After The Daughter's class was done, I had the instructor show me how to help The Daughter do dropbacks and stand up. If she sees me trying it, she really wants to and lately I've been feeling like I'm not helping her back out. I was surprised then that the way they teach dropbacks and coming up is to put a cheese wedge, fat side down against a wall with the thing side up at the top (so the bulge is at the bottom)... they teach them to drop back and come up by walking up and down it. What is interesting was that as I watched The Daughter do this I realized that her hands were way closer to her feet than they normally all, that hump made her "walk it in" -- fascinating... I may have to try this.

Tomorrow I'm in Los Angeles all day. Back to work... who's world is this anyway?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:47 PM

To Love or To Hate

Practice this morning was painful. I definitely think I had some food poisoning. My stomach was horrendously messed up all day. I was nauseous through most of practice but, nonetheless, I actually really enjoyed it. It's sorta wierd now because all the people I "know" do second series and it seems every Sunday there are more and more new faces in the crowd. Tim read from Hafiz today.... I have the same book but I am always stunned by the beauty of hearing poetry aloud.

I was finally able to eat something tonight and I made veggie burgers for The Husband and I. Then tonight I got to have a special treat. There's this new brand called "smart TREAT" at the HFS. They had a few different types of "chocolate cups" a chocolate macaroon, peanut butter cup and, the one I got, chocolate almond joy cup. It is vegan, wheat and dairy free. It was really good. The awesome thing about real foods, even the "candy" is that the list of ingredients is short and sweet and pronounceable. Rather than a list of chemicals making up a chocolate bar, the ingredients in these are: semisweet chocolate, almonds, desiccated coconut, flaxseed meal, organic quinoa flakes, soy oil, organic brown rice syrup. That's it. A girl can feel good eating candy with that list of ingredients :)

Tonight The Husband and I laid in bed for awhile listening to Peter Murphy's LIVE CD. We had the lights real low and we just sorta snuggled and listened. It's been a long time since we listened to music, or, rather, had the time to just sit like that together. It IS a little wierd and sorta cool to not have work at home. I actually have time at home. Wild.

A question we asked each other tonight: "What is the most important thing about you as a person." This question is a lot harder than it sounds. Do I answer with disregard for all the other people in my life and the way our lives make us a part of each other? So we split it up and asked What is the most important thing about you as a husband, father and person. This made it a lot easier. I answered: being supportive, being a nurturer and my spirit/soul. The Husband had a much harder time committing to any single answer. I'm not sold on my answers, it would require some more thought process but I was confident enough to commit. It's an interesting thing to think about and I wonder what some of you would answer?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:11 AM | Comments (3)

February 18, 2006

Entry of Many Titles

The Husband, he's so confident and spends so little time fighting himself. He just is what he is and he is it and that's it and that's now. I sometimes think of how evolved he is and how I feel the struggle all the time to just feel that peace. I think that's the peace I'm searching for (perhaps stopping the search is the first order of business). The Husband has a job that let's him stay home, two kids, a wife, a house where he loves living, two paid off cars and he's stoked. There's nothing else he feels he needs to do, say, be. I feel like I have a thousand pieces that race for my attention all the time. One of those pieces is really still just a party girl at heart. My life is so different than the days when I used to be the party girl, and, I was a party girl. I didn't do the traditional club thing though... I never liked the music and I hate dancing. We used to go to the clubs in Pacific Beach that had like "Alternative Night" usually with some scary name like to attract all the goth heads and punk rockers. We'd dance but it was more like just standing there banging our heads or maybe running in circles when Ministry Came On (Jesus Built My Hotrod!). I only drank beer then and, at a bar, that's a pretty easy thing.

So I was a bit nervous about going out with Tiff last night. I mean, she's 22 and I'm a far cry from that. She's a really amazing dancer and does the whole club thing with stilletos on. I always wore Doc Martens. I ended up going out in a way I have never in my life and so it was a really neat learning experience. It started off at the clothing shop where I admittedly spent way too much freaking money on this cool top, necklace and earrings. First note: I haven't worn earrings since I before I had The Son 8 years ago today. While trying on the top I felt a bit nervous. I'm still working through this whole boob thing even if I'm processing it more internally now instead of talking or blogging about it. In my opinion, the top really showed the only cosmetic flaw with my breasts. They are pretty near perfect and they are pretty freaking amazing all things considered. Believe me, with 10 years of wondering how mutilated my body would be after this, I'm in grattitude to the Gods that I have only one cosmetic issue. Near Perfection is my doctor. So while I was trying on the shirt I noticed a man *gasp* in the store. As the store clerk, myself and Tiffany were debating over how much the top accentuated or didn't accencuate the little flaw I decided to just ask an innocent bystander. My motives were quite pure and I was wholly unprepared for the result. I saunter over to The Man and say "Do you notice anything different about my breasts in this shirt?" The Man, clearly shaken, says "Differnt or... or .... nice?" It was hysterical and I felt like a total idiot. So I say thanks and walk away to a laughing Tiffany when The Man calls out "They look REAL good to me!" I did buy the shirt. Major hurdle has been lifted in the recovery of Reclaiming My Breasts Post Mastectomy.

After shopping we stopped for Sushi where I ran into a lady I hadn't seen in 8 years. Then, on our way out of the parking lot I noticed a shoe shop so we stopped in. I left with these. If you clicked the link and didn't read the description, you missed the most amazing part, friends. They had a 4 1/4 inch heel. I don't wear heels. I've been 6 feet tall since I was like 12 and I used to get called Amazon Girl in school (or sometimes Jolly Green Giant which was even worse). A cute Indian couple owned the store. The Husband was assuring me how lovely I looked, The Wife clucking after me that every girl should own high heeled sandals. Tifany insisting I was going to wear them and that just once in every girl's life she must wear Come F-K me shoes. I was sure I was going to fall on my face at some point in the night but I wore them anyway. Chalk one up for the journey of Reclaiming Pride in My Height After Years of Childhood Teasing.

We finally decided to rent a towncar to drive us to downtown. It sounds extravagant but it was honestly no more than a taxi would have cost us and we knew that was all we'd have to pay for all night. We went to this guy's penthouse which overlooked the entire bay. It as a truly remarkable penthouse. We hung there for awhile and then went to Stingaree. I had no idea that in this day and age ordering wine in a bar was so difficult. Apparenlty people don't drink wine in nightclubs, damn when did that change? It was actually pretty fun and in a wierd twist, as one of the girls with us and Tiffany danced I noticed some beautiful ink on her back so I checked it out and asked her who did it. Turns out her uncle is the tattoo artist of my friend Strangel (who used to have a blog but does not anymore) and so she knew her. I was saddened by how few men the women have to pick from these days. I know that sounds horrible but I just didn't see any good looking, confident, clearly got their shit together men there. My plan had been to get Tiffany to be a bit daring and instead I felt sorry for womankind. I guess it is easy to forget what life was like pre-Marriage and pre-Kids...

If there is one song to sum up the evening though it is Sweet Child of Mine by G&R. Throughout most of the evening, I didn't know any of the songs that would come on. Tiffany, et. al would be so excited "I love this song" and I'd look blank in the face which was often met with "You don't know this song?" At one point Sweet Child O Mine came on and we were all singing it and rocking out and having that really good moment of drunk highness and happiness and hanging out with someone we like kinda thing when Tiffany says "Oh you know this song?" Hahahahahahaha Shit, I remember when that song was actually new and they played it in clubs. I'm old. Score two for the journey to Reclaim My Peacefulness with Getting Older.

I've been sick all day today. Not really hungover but like food poisoning feeling sick. I really didn't have all that much to drink. The Husband wondered if I had more than I think I did but that's not possible since ordering wine was so difficult that I had to order a whole bottle and just refill it at the table. Since I know there was some left when the night was over, there is no way I had more than 4 glasses of wine and that's not so hard for me. I've been unable to eat all day, each time I fill my stomach just a little, it is compltely unhappy. That's how it felt when I had the food poisoning in Mexico a couple years ago. I was like that for days.

Today is My Mother Day. It's the day when the whole wide world became this totally different place. Today is The Son's Birthday.... and no matter how you slice and dice it, children bring us closer to the seat of our soul than any other single act, thought, activity, anything you could ever do in a single lifetime. I wish I could remember some little piece of the fear and excitement, wonder and peacefulness that came with that moment. I can still remember it but the feeling as rubbing away on the bottom of the sole of life. 8 Years Old today. What a ride.

Back to 36 Year Old Reality tomorrow... practice.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:07 PM | Comments (4)

February 16, 2006

Hierarchy of Bosses

In an addendum to my previous post wtih regard to the facilitation of a yoga practice and The Office:

Today was our annual State of The Firm address by the Chairman of the firm and the CEO. The address was interesting. I've never worked at a firm that had one... but what was invaluable happened after. While the hardware guy was fixing my blue screen I took a walk to the Ladie's Room. On the way back I noted that the Chairman whom I've met a couple times before was sitting in an empty office so I said hello. He invited me to sit down and chat about what I've been up to.... and then asked me how I like my job. I'm an idiot because I said that I really am enjoying it here but the transition from home to office has been a bit difficult. He asked me what the most difficult thing was and I said that I was mourning the loss of my daily yoga practice... he said "Well why can't we just let you go whenever the class is during the day? I don't see why you can't do that." I smiled :) I told him I was proving my worth and then we'd work it into the schedule.

It doesn't get any higher than the Chairman of the Firm now does it :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:43 PM | Comments (2)

The Office

If you've never watched the show The Office you really should. I rarely find TV entertaining enough to watch but that show is really good... and really accurate. I've been so far removed from The Office over the past 8 years that The Office is really having an impact on me. Yesterday was one of those days where everything goes wrong and as the day goes on, more and more shit just gets blown into the fan and boom, your whole day is shit. It sucks to start a day like that without a practice under your belt but I had kid duty in the morning, then kid pick-up in the afternoon and then finally kid cupcake duty which I forced Tiffany to come help me with (afterall, she is single and an ashtangi and therefore has little if any social life ;) ). Finally done with all the kid stuff at 6:20, we went and practiced at the Health Club. We did an "improv" class essentially.. As started out normally but then for Bs she had us hold the Utkatasana for a breath then immediately over into the next Sun Sal. Interesting. From there we went to Surya Namaskara C... she did an interesting take on it... we also did some fun other stuff and then she had us pick "one" seated forward bend..anyone we wanted. The guy across from me told me I wasn't allowed to pick an "easy" one so he chose Janu Shirasana C for me. We did some second series stuff and then went into backbends and a nice closing sequence. My quads were still sore from Tuesday and we did a lot of quad burner stuff (oh and a BUNCH of ab burner stuff around Navasana) so I was pretty tired and strung out after class. Whenever I practice late at night I end up having wild and wierd dreams and last night was no exception.

With a start I woke up this morning at 6am. Threw on yoga clothes and headed into the office... no shower, no makeup, no work clothes. I figured NO ONE in their right mind would be in the office at 6am but I was wrong.... in fact, there were a few people here! I figured I could shower after The Son's Cupcake Party...

Practice today was rockin'.... nice and hot and humid in the room and, again, lots of people! I was speeding through practice today which meant only 3As and 3Bs (but really that was plenty given the already heated up room). I was having a really nice, mentally out there practice when I got to Mari B. Mari B is my meditational pose... suddenly I had this thought "I can stand up from a backbend" and then I couldn't let go of it (and let's not get you suspensful, I did not standup from a backbend). I kept trying to concentrate on the breath and my mind wouldn't stop thinking that if I just said to myself it would happen. Second side, let go of the thought.... let go.... I really enjoyed Supta K today. Kurmasana just felt awesome, my legs felt really straight and my chin on the ground was like resting on a soft blanket. I'm not sure why, maybe the time of day, but it was so precious I could have stayed there. I got to my finger tips..just barely trying to bind on my own, did Supta K without help since everyone was busy and then had Rich put me into Dwi Pada. I keep trying to feel if I could keep at least one leg behind my head on my own (I never get to "try" it) but I still don't seem to be able to even though I can get the left one back there all the way.

What posting would be complete without talk of backbends? Oh backbends. I was actually enjoying my backbends today and had decided to play around with them some. I was on my 5th one when, in my backbend, Tim was suddenly leaning down in my face!!! He says "What is going on here!? How many?" It was pretty funny actually. So he helped me up, we dropped back... and I was really sweaty on that last one and my hands were slipping on the mat when he told me to walk it in.... and then he was doing the one hand thing and I didn't panic and I knew I could do it... and I did... and I actually came up with very little rocking and a lot more of my own force so that I was over forceful and had to take a step back. Tim says "You did it!" The miracle of the mind.

The crap at work has been in and out all day... when the hardware guy, in an effort to get me setup for developing off Sharepoint 12 (aka Office 2007 which was just announced today), tried to switch harddrives and/or CPUs and ended up blue screening the computer... and everything on it. Fortunately I'd grabbed my code off of it and unfortunately, I forgot to grab all the software I'd downloaded and, now, I get to do it all over again.... a large project that can be utterly time consuming and boring.

No ideas what tomorrow holds... a Mysore practice or Intro to Second depending on The Husband's desire to surf in the morning. If he surfs I could potentially bring the kids to practice and stick them in the other room with a movie.... always thinking...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:59 PM | Comments (1)

February 14, 2006

Older and Wiser With Peace

Have you ever had a moment when it all just comes together for you? Not like the answer to the universe or enlightenment (sorry, that takes a lot more effort) but you've suddenly become aware of this pattern in the goings-on in your lfie like that mysterious universe is, at least, trying to get your attention. Suddenly, you're paying attention and it all seems so crystal clear. One of the themes going on in my life is this exposure to all these young people (said in the motherly sort of tone :) ). In reality, this probably wouldn't have happened to me if I hadn't started a new job since the majority of all the 20-Somethings I talk to I know in some way shape or form through work. I can't tell you the number of times when I had a child screaming or just hadn't slept more than an hour in 363 days (no lie.. just read my early archives) and I thought about those glory days of being 20-Something. I think I forgot about some of the pretty amazing experiences I had back then and how I got to right here, right now and the value of the struggle to get there/here.

With these thoughts I came home tonight. I made The Husband Lemony Risotto with Garlic Shrimp and a Spinach/Dried Cranberries salad in a Balsamic Vinagrette. I love to cook! We had a nice glass of wine, we told the kids for the first time ever that we were gonna eat at the table by ourselves and we weren't available for stories or anything until we were done. We had to remind The Daughter of this twice but we did it with conviction and purpose and it was nice. We had this nice conversation about things we've maybe spent too much time glossing over in the recent past. When we have conversations like this it is like just the perfect picture... the one we all strive for, that peaceful, beautiful, blissful union of marriage.

During dishes, while The Husband did baths and read stories, reflecting on the sense of peace I noticed another stream happening in my life lately. In about 5 conversations of late, people have told me how "calm" I am. At first I thought "Geez been doing a good job of wearing that face, eh?" but then I realize I really do feel calm. Like even at my harriest, craziest, I feel this immense deep sense of peacefulness in the background, in the core. That's yoga.

With all this bliss roaming around in my spirit this evening, I took a nice hot bath and The Husband and I met to celebrate Valentine's Day the way we might have pre-2-children (sometimes those holidays, darnit, they just get away from you... if you aren't a parent, you simply don't understand).

It was with immense peace then that, uhum, I can't believe I'm gonna say this on my blog but here's my effort at not censoring myself as I mentioned on V's blog. So, it was with immense peace then that when we were just right there we suddenly slammed our heads into each other. I laughed so hysterically I could barely breathe and The Husband was laughing over the bruise I likely gave him on his eye socket. It was so classic, it was perfect... seriously perfect (said with all seriousness, not sarcasm).

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:28 PM | Comments (7)

No Cigar

The Tuesday/Thursday deal is still a cramp in my yoga schedule. I'm going to try and get in the zone of practicing for "lunch" at the health club. The room is empty from 12-4 so it gives me a nice 4 hour window to work on. I started my practice with Sharath's primary series CD. First, the Sun Salutations go REALLY fast. Is that how fast they go in Mysore led? Then I realized that I simply did not have enough time for a full primary and I wanted to do a bunch of backbends so I switched to a WAH! CD. Given I had an hour, I decided to do 20 minutes of regular practice so I did some standing, some forward bending and then I did my second series poses and I tried Laghu Vajarasana... I can get down pretty close to putting my head down and come back up but as soon as my head touches, bam, I'm down for the count. I didn't try Kapotasana... instead I did like 15 backbends and tried coming up... no go. So I got two bolsters and tried to come up off of those but I couldn't do it. The bolsters made me feel misaligned and unsteady. I came up a couple times off the wall but, in the end, I just got a bit frustrated. Talk about attachment!!!!! I kept convincing myself to just do one more. I have no idea how many backbends I actually did but I was doing them for almost 25 minutes. On the last two I was rocking and was able to get way up on my fingertips but never had the follow-through. I think I was, however, finally able to feel the feeling of pushing into and up through your hips rather than just concentrating on quad strength..that was how I got up onto my fingertips, palms all the way up. I never made it up... but oh well... like Laghu Vajarasana, I think I've decided it might happen in my next lifetime ;)

After I practiced I got up to leave and my legs were shaking... I had about 20 stairs to walk down to the shower and each and everyone was an exercise in not letting my legs collapse underneath me. I took a shower and then seriously contemplated taking the elevator back up so I didn't have to engage those quads again ;) When I got back to work all the secretaries were tittering.... The Husband had delivered a big bouquet of flowers and my favorite chocolates. The chocolates may help my bruised ego and add a few more pounds to my ass but I'm gonna eat them anyway.....

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:20 PM

February 13, 2006

Bad, Bad Friends

It's a horrible, horrible thing to have a friend like Tiffany. You see Tiffany likes candy and I like candy. It's just that I don't eat candy and I'm pretty insultated from seeing or being around candy. I was anyay ;) Actually Tiffany knows I'm just giving her a really freakin' hard time... but, seriously, she gave me this Caramel Apple today... the ones like when you were a kid and went to a down home kinda fair... not the overblown commercialized version we have today. I had to take it into the office so that it wouldn't melt in the car. To be honest, I thought about putting it on the counter in the office but then I felt bad because it was such a thoughtful gift. So I brought it home... and then I knew it was there... and then I decided to eat some of it. I was expecting to be highly disappointed. I am disappointed everytime I eat chemical candy. The chocolate always has this wierd fake taste and the sugar candy leaves me wondering what I got stuck in my mouth. I have to say, that freakin' apple, it rocked. I only ate half of it. It was a green apple (mhmmm sour...red apples suck), crunchy covered with caramel, chocolate and nuts... but the chocolate was chemically and the caramel -- that was probably the first and best caramel I've had in 10 years. I don't think I've ever tasted a food that made me feel like I was 10 years old before.

Yoga is gonna be a tough week. Mysore Wednesday is out as I have kid responsibilities in the morning. I also have to register The Daughter for kindergarten -- that's hard to believe and a really wierd feeling. I can't believe I'm gonna be the parent of two elementary school children. Maybe first series. Friday Cameron is coming down and, for the first time since I became a parent, I'm gonna get the entire house to myself for a whole night (so that I can go OUT with Cameron, et.al.).

I just got told that The Son has a Flat Stanley project. Who is in India right now? Or maybe I have readers in some other far off country? If you don't know what Flat Stanley is, my son will make a "Flat Stanley" (a "flat person") which he mails with a letter to someone... they then respond with a letter and pictures "of what our Flat Stanley saw and did while on their vacation" I've seen some of these projects and it's pretty cool. I saw one of Flat Stanley at temple in Japan where they dressed him up in a kimono type thing... one of a Flat Stanely in Ireland in a kilt. India would be a cool place for him to have a Flat Stanley from... I'll have to ask The Son where he wants to send him!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:41 PM | Comments (7)

Rocking Back

The Husband and I stayed up late last night to watch Olympic Snowboarding Half Pipe. I wasn't surprised when I woke up before the alarm and thought "I'm tired!" Finally rolled out of bed and to the studio... was happy to see OKRGR there again (this meant a heater and warmth in the prep room). I hemmed and hawed a bit over starting practice and then when I started my body groaned and refused to cooperate. I had the brief idea of rolling up my mat and walking out. It's a good thing OKRGR was there or I might have ;) No, I think I have too much discipline for that these days but I did accept that my practice wouldn't be the explosion of good energy I had last week. In the end, I had a really nice practice... my focus was there and my passion for the practice remained. All the good things were coming.... the room was super crowded today... the most crowded I've seen it in a long time. As I've mentioned, I rarely remember the physical parts of my practice unless I'm really struggling... I only really came to when I got close to backbends and the dread set in. Actually the backbends themselves weren't so bad, in fact, they felt pretty good. On my third one Tim came over and said "How many?" I said "3" He says "What going slow today?" I didn't want to say that I was putting it off as long as possible. In the end, after dropbacks, he did the one handed lift again. I got a bit scared and wasn't ready when he was on 3 so I said "no no wait, wait" and then I rocked a bit more and came up. Tim said "Oh you are back!" Back from what I don't know but with a little rocking it seemed much easier.

I noted, while doing this exercise, that what happens is that that intial lift, my mind goes real blank and it's like I'm not engaging my body and mind... and then I sorta come to and I go "oh, I'm coming up" --- this must be where the fear lies.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:04 PM

February 12, 2006

It's Not All In The Mind

So before I left for Tulum I forgot to refill my thyroid prescription. I ran out a few days in. When I got home I spaced and forgot to call it in for a couple days and then when I did I realized I didn't have anymore refills. It took a couple days to get that sorted out and my doctor to give me a single refill (blood is required apparently for any more) and then I forgot to pick it up... and, as a result, I haven't take my thyroid meds for a couple weeks. I tried to convince myself that my dependency on them was all mental, that I could wish away the fact that I have hypothyroidism (it's okay OKRGR, you can sit and laugh at me :) ) but, in reality, I've slowly watched as my body and my mental state has regressed into this helpless heap of digestive problems (my stomach is constantly upset), drive to sleep all the time (man I just want to lay in bed all day), irritability (I snapped at the kids for the first time in a long time today), mental sluggishness (not really a good way to have a new job now is it?) and probably weight gain (though I'm trying not to look). This is the longest I've gone without meds in 10 years and it ain't pretty. It sucks though. I hate taking those things and I'm, seriously, just no good at remembering.... I was the same way with birth control pills... anything I have to take everyday, forget it. I picked up my prescription tonight... of course, I can't start it til the morning and I have to go get some blood taken ASAP or they won't refill it and, of course, since I haven't taken it, my blood tests will likely come out all screwed up... what a mess I've worked myself into.

Yesterday we went to a birthday party for one of the little boys who graces us at yoga every now and again. It was at a park and the day looked pristine so I dressed for summer. The boys dad is one a maker of amazing Southern Indian food which he made for the party... traditional Mysore breakfast. It was so yummy.... the soup was out of this world... but it was freezing... I swear my bones were cold and so we didn't stay all that long. I then chose to live it up last night... afterall today was a moonday so I drank nearly an entire bottle of wine by myself and, of course, ate my Charleston Chew. I promptly passed out to find myself woken up this morning by the severe pain in my shoulder as I apparently fell asleep in some odd position with my shoulder externally rotated and lifted.

Today we took the kids to see Curious George. I'm happy to say it's a great kid's movie. Not a kid's movie with all kinds of adult humor but a real kid's movie and it's a good one. I was sooo happy that George doesn't talk, that they didn't go overboard on the animation. The soundtrack (Jack Johnson) is great. The only complaint I had was the product placement in the movie (DOLE bananas, VW cars). The Son, he literally smiled the ENTIRE movie.

Tomorrow, practice. I am sure I will be paying for that wine and candy but I'm mentally motivated nonetheless. If only I didn't have to do those backbends ;)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:43 PM | Comments (1)

February 11, 2006

It's Really Not Religion

I grew up as a child really, really, really, really wanting to be Christian. My parents weren't "anything" and so we didn't go to church and whatnot. I remember that all of my friends used to go to church and it seemed like this total "club" type of thing... all the things they did at "Christian Summer Camp" and the weekly nightly meetings and stuff. I really wanted to be Christian and participate (remember I grew up in a very, very small town... we literally had one streetlight and two stop signs to cross the town) in those meetings. I started going to church with the neighbors. My parents didn't go, I would just with them in the mornings on Sunday. I did Sunday School. I did the whole gig where you have to recite the names of the Bible as the little song and if you could do it, you'd get your very own big Gold Bible. Matthew, Mark, Luke & John, Acts, Romans, Two Chorinthians, Galations, Ephesions, Filimpoinos or something of the sort, Titus, Pheliman and Hebrew, James, First Peter, Second Peter, Three John Jude and Revelations. Yea, I realize I was off on a few but that's pretty impressive given that I haven't felt any affinity towards Christianity in an eon.

So tonight we put the iPod on Random for our evening downstairs as a family. We've never used the random setting before even though my dear friend Barton (whom I realize I haven't seen in months and months even though we keep promising we'll do it.. there's your shout out B) has repeatedly told me he enjoys what it brings up. It was pretty cool, we got a good mix of rock 'n roll, some r&b stuff, some kid stuff... when Krishna Das came on with "God Is Real." This prompted a really interesting discussion for The Husband and I. We talked a lot about our paths to spirituality and I explained how that song really emotes what I feel about God these days. I've done a lot of "fighting" over the years to find peace with God. My blind line in the sand that I was not Christian and therefore going to dismniss the entire institution. I dabbled in Wicca but always felt a little wierd about it. I dabbled in Paganism (yes they are two different things) and really felt naturea and the lure of the meditations that lie within. I found Buddhism and felt like I found a home in my mind and soul... Then I found yoga and suddenly I had the body connection and just as suddenly God found a way to dwell within everyday. It's just all God and it's amazing. It's not so different from what I strived to believe in as a child hitching rides to church with the neighbors, it's just a different way of getting there I suppose.

So The Husband and I sat chatting about this for awhile when The Daughter came up and indicated she'd like to be part of the conversation. I always try to remember during these times that even though it seems young, at five, she's got more spiritual wisdom and heart insight than I may ever regain in this lifetime. So we asked her how she felt about God. She told us that God makes babies... and she named a few people, us included, that God made. It was interesting her list of people but really told us what her mind as processing. She then told us that if you are in trouble you can think of Ganesha and Ganesh will come and help you. This really made me take pause because I don't know that I've ever worded that to her that way but what I realized is she has this belief system that came from me. I mean, if I had sat and told her all about Jesus Christ, it could just as easily become him. This reinforced my feelings that all paths lead to God as I know it/him. It also made me realize that I think, as a child, I would have liked to have that solidified belief. I would have liked to have something to stand on and spring forth with. I may have still ended up right here... in fact, I believe I would. As the saying goes, you are drawn to yoga in this lifetime because you've been a yogi before. It just would have been wonderous to have a starting ground if that makes sense. I sometimes worry myself to death, want my kids to have such a clean slate to start from, not my own beliefs that I forgot this is really inavoidable... even the most left-wing or right-wing of beliefs is ingrained from such a young age.

It is this same revelation that I had recently when I was standing with someone whom I would consider a real life true yogi. Not that enlightenment has set in and they live in a cave but someone that I feel really embodies the "energy" of a yogi (and there are no words for that energy, it's a deep sense of soul peace that comes through)... and that person told me that they were gonna eat candy.... like real live, horrible, would snub my nose up at it, sugar filled, corn syrup and red and blue dyes (and that was probably just the ones I can spell) and I realized that we don't live in a cave...... which is why today I let my child get reall live, horrendously long list of horrid ingredients, sugar filled bought from the real life "supermarket" Nintendo Gummi Bears (as opposed to the all natural, not so sweet variety at the HFS) and actually eat one tonight. But more to the point, why I'm gonna go eat the Charleston Chew I bought with him in an effort to remember that moderation can and maybe should mean every great now and again.... as my son put it when we got homne "Mom, could we do this once a year where we get these?" It was then when I realized perhaps I've been too rigid.. once a year never hurt anyone.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:30 PM | Comments (6)

February 10, 2006

The Physical Practice

Shit. My brain is all wrapped up in chaos. I had (and am currently sitting on, likely with CIODude somewhere on the mass of attendees even..or maybe he delegates that to his employees which is more likely) a conference call for an appliance we are thinking of purchasing at 9am. This meant that I had to be here before 9 which is usually when I walking through the door after an early morning practice. So I was sorta glad to see the door to the secondary room closed this morning and OKRGR's car outside the studio this morning. I knew this meant the room would at least be slightly warmer. I was so very happy when I saw that he had stolen one of the heaters out of the main room and the room was nicely warm.... so warm that I didn't even have to warm up my hamstrings and practice felt lovely... absolutely lovely. I was hoping to get to seated poses before pranayama was done. I nearly made it but I had the pleasure of helping OKRGR into Dwi Pada (even though really he did it all himself) and then helping him pull off Karandavasana. Kiran came and stole the heater back so I made sure that I got a spot right next to her in the studio and therefore keep my heat going and my plan worked really well. I actually had a really really nice practice.... I am really really loving being helped into Dwi Pada before Supta Kurmasana. I've been making sure, however, since I've been able to get my fingers lately on my own that I can, in fact, get my fingers, then I pull up and let Rich help me into Dwi Pada. Dwi Pada was interesting for me today because I actually felt like I had both of my shoulders further under than usual. I fall forward and can't sit up yet but I can keep my legs crossed. My problem seems to be that they come up over my head when I engage my quads in order to keep the ankles crossed. Anyway, I came up by uncrossing my feet and got into Tithibasana with my calves over my shoulders but I couldn't pull off the transition back as this is still too much pull.

Tim helped me out in Pasasana again today.... getting my heels down and helping me with the bind to my wrist instead of just hands. On the first side today, I didn't get my implant out of the way and so when he bound me to my wrist it was that scary sensation of "Geez, can the implants withstand that much pressure?" So as I was twisting I tried to smile (he always tells me "Hint of a smile") and he laughs and says "I didn't know it was possible for someone to grimace and smile at the same time." I made sure on the second side to get the implant out of the way before the bind. It's sorta a wierd thing because I don't want to break out of the pose and say "You know I have to move by implant/breast/boob out of the way." It's just something that I have to deal with. I was really digging the rest of second series today.

... and then came backbends. You know I wish I just didn't have to do backbends for awhile. I'm sick of backbends. I'm sick of how mental my backbends have become. I'm sick of the edge. I'm sick of trying to stand up. I'm sick of thinking I'm close to standing up. I'm sick of wanting to stand up. That's real yogic, isn't it? It's not really that I feel that way it's just that I haven't found a way to release and let it go. This is likely because I know that I'm gonna get the magic hand adjustment and this essentially means I have to pull it off. I didn't pull it off today. In fact, Tim had to save me and I ended up with one of his hands reaching under the stop my fall and then pushing with such momentum that I flew foward and ended up giving him what amounted to a hug to stop myself. I'm sick of backbends. I think this weekend, if I could find some time, I'd like to take the cheese wedge and just do a bazillion backbends until I can stand up. I mean it really must just be practice or just a clicking in my brain... but if I could just get past this then I could just get over it. I know this isn't the answer and I know I'm becoming way too involved in it physically but, just for today, I hate backbends.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:31 PM | Comments (1)

February 9, 2006

Who's In Control Here

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are deeply concentrating and meditating but you are letting all your thoughts really float to the top and you are observing, you aren't engaging, just observing... then suddenly this thought comes and grabs your attention and you have an insight and suddenly you know in your physical body that this is your truth. Your heart hurts... I mean really hurts. Suddenly you realize that your heart really does hurt and you become aware of pain in your body which brings you out of the abyss and back to this reality and the hard truth sits quietly in your gut and you aren't sure what to do with it. I had that experience tonight and while the truth is still resonanting somewhere in the subconscious I'm not ready to face yet I realized how much our body really does hold onto us tightly. Which is greater, the physical pain or the truth which has suddenly landed square in your sights and you haven't yet figured out if you can release it.

Anyway, think we see this battle between the body and the mind in yoga and that it's the juice that keeps us coming back for more. It's that edge where the body hasn't yet taken control of the mind or is it that the mind hasn't yet taken control of the body? Ah, the unanswered questions.

Tomorrow we are getting date night. The first date night in a long time. We are going to get a drink and then go to dinner at Amici's. I went there once with Kiran and I thought maybe The Husband would like it. It kinda sucks these days because when we go out at night, we don't feel like we can really just hang out and let what happens happen... I mean, a couple hours in and ya gotta worry about it being too late for the babysitter or whether the kids have had issues. Every now and again it would be nice to let caution fly to the wind and stay out for like 3 hours or something. I guess we do do that in September but, hell, we have to the leave the country for it!

This means an early morning Mysore that I'm not packed for yet... the freedom I used to have is long gone and I have to actually be a thinking, working person again. I tell you, on the one hand, that bliss of my days before were wonderful. It's not that I did any less work, in fact, I probably did more... it's that I did it in the manner that jelled with my lifestyle. On the other hand, I do find some joy in the nice clothes everyday (though I can't believe we don't have even casual Fridays.. just one day of jeans would be nice) and the meditation of thinking in this working world all day. It's kinda a trip actually. I'm still working through finding the balance between the two on a regular basis.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:27 PM | Comments (6)

Holding Onto Pain

Today I picked up a new Rumi book and read this when opening the book to a random page:

A man of Qazwin went to a barber and said to him, "Tattoo me and do it like an artist!" "O noble Lord," the tattooist said, "what shall I represent?" The man replied, "A furious lion. My ascendant is Leo. Fill your needles with blue."

The tattooist then said "Where shall I begin?" The man replied, "On my shoulder blade." As soon as the tattooist began to work on him, however, pain invaded his shoulder and the man started to moan, "You're killing me! What image are you in the middle of designing?" "A lion," the tattooist replied, "just as you ordered." "Which limb of the lion have you begun with?" "The tail." "Leave the tail" the man cried out. "My heart shivered from the blows of the needle."

The tattooist began to prick another part of the man's shoulder. "Which of the lion's limbs are you doing now?" "The ears." "Don't let the lion have ears," the man shouted. "Leave out the ears!" Again the tattooist began to work with his needle on another part of the shoulder blade. "What limb are you doing now?" the man screamed. "The stomach," said the tattooist. "Don't let the lion have a stomach! What does it need a stomach for?"

At this the tattooist was totally bewildered; he stood a long time with his fingers in his mouth. Then he threw his needle to the ground and said, "Am I dreaming or what? Who has ever seen a lion without tail or head or stomach?" God himself never created a lion like that!"

O my friend, bear the pain of the needle
To escape the poison of your dark soul.
Heaven, moon, and soul prostrate in adoration
Before those who've escaped their own existence.

Wow is all I can say.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:51 PM | Comments (4)

February 8, 2006

Yawn

This morning I started practice at around 6:30 with Tiff. It was my first cold practice since before Tulum. I still had some of the yoga high from yesterday, a lot more inspiration for my practice but the cold did definitely had an impact on my hamstrings. When you are practicing in the freezing cold, you spend a lot more time just getting warmed up. I was on Prasaritas by the time practice started in the studio and the room got warmer. My physical practice today was good... I got to my hands in Supta K again but then had Rich put me into Dwi Pada... ah... such a great feeling in the hips... I don't really remember a lot of my practice actually... I tend to feel that way about the physical aspect of it when I have really good practices... I'm so outside of the physical that it makes very little imprint on my consciousness. I do, of course, remember backbends because Tiffany was telling me to straighten my legs but I have no idea how to put the pieces all together. Tim was busy today so we didn't do our usual stand up routine and instead I just did dropbacks with him. The one handed adjustment didn't go so well.... I nearly fell... I felt him reach under me to catch the fall but I pulled it off yet again. When I got up I said "What happened?" He said "Yes you've regressed." Nice.

I took a shower at practice today. No hot water... not even a drop. What a way to wake up!!!! I also forgot shampoo but, heck, at least I had the important things like a hairbrush and deoderant. I spent the rest of the day up in Orange County dealing with all kinds of political B.S. at work. Did I sign up for this? Lots of meetings... and then I had sushi with someone I know from Microsoft circles.... I finally found my way home at 8pm... that makes for a long day. I really have to start producing something at work.... I can't stand all this talk and not doing... less talking, more doing.

I've been thinking a lot lately about those things that we hold within our hearts and we don't let anyone know about. There's this song by *groan* Maroon 5 called Secret and it says something like "Everyone has a secret oh can they keep it oh no they can't." But really, we all have secrets and there are those closets of stuff within our hearts that we don't let out ever to anyone. In even the closest marriage, are there secrets? Secrets aren't bad. Secrets are just parts of us we hold too precious or have too much fear to face yet. At least, that's what I tell myself. I mentioned before that I don't have regret... I have lots of things I've done in my life that I hold a certain degree of shame over but I don't regret them because, for whatever reason, my experiences are those that I need in order to be who I am. I deal with this one issue every now and again. I'm very aware of it but I haven't figured out what it is that happens to me in the moment when I come face to face with it. I almost, not always, but almost always make the choice I feel is the "bad" one, the one with all the shame and wrongness associated with it... but, yet, I always find myself making it anyway. I know there is something there, some deep seated need I'm trying to meet or fear I'm not yet willing to face but it's one of those things (habit is too "often" of a word) that I notice and am mindful of but really have absolutely no idea and very little control over. Neti's blog has a comment regarding using yoga to cover up that which we don't want to face. Like Neti, I can't imagine this. Yoga seems to break me open and really put front and center all that which I might not want to face. At least... that's what I tell myself.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:34 PM | Comments (5)

February 7, 2006

Reflections

Today... today is just a wild day. I feel this just infusion of passion for the practice.... like that finally I feel back to the mat. It's been a long time since I've felt that way. I have appreciated and said many prayers that I've been able to practice at all given the past year, believe me, but practice, in large part, has been all about effort and trying to get my muscles to respond again. I can't wait for practice in the morning (let's hope I feel that way in the morning -- how long does the yoga high last?).

I was having a personal conversation with CIODude earlier about college days. I was always that kid who was totally in control. Like I'd go out and get all messed up and whatnot but I was always the one who left enough room at the end for the safe ride home (okay so maybe sometimes we were foolin ourselves). I always sat on the edge of the cliff and sorta just hung my ground... it was sorta wierd to be that person... especially because a lot of the time now I feel so out of control with my life. It's a totally different way but still the words self-control are at the core.

Which brings me to ink. I really want more ink. I know I said I was done... but I have just had this wierd itching to get a Ganesh. I don't know what kind or where or how big but it's just this total wiggly feeling I've had since Lucia brought me the beautiful Ganesh while I was in the hospital after I'd spent that first evening chanting and praying to Ganesh to get me through it. The thing is I feel like what I have now is the edge of the cliff. I totally dug getting my tattoos... but it's like a high unto itself, right... and you keep going for it. It's a high on so many levels and in so many ways, the physical experience, the permanent marking on your body.... but I still want the Ganesha.

Work was crazy today... tomorrow I'm in OC all day but am going to practice first. Speaking of, now that I've had all day to sit on my high and feel totally out of it, I've had some time to remember and reflect on the physical aspects of it. That reflection is an entire different part of the practice for me... the insights into my physical body that lead me to my mind. So today I did chatarungas with only slight cheating (which is like using the sides of your arms to lessen the weight) which is a huge change from just a few weeks ago when I couldn't do a single one. Today I got bound in Supta Kurmasana all by myself which rocked and then I had Rich help me into Dwi Pada and it felt like I was cracking open at the heart. Ah, that's such a great feeling. And the rest is all gravy.. actually I lost my train of thought doing an IM and so I figure forget it :> I did, however, do a really really really slow magic hand adjustment lift today on my last dropback... and you know it was wild because I could REALLY feel it. It was also somewhat scary because it was so slow that there was danger that I wasn't coming up but I felt pretty good in it anyway. Maybe it's that cliff thing again?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:54 PM

Mind Blowing & Empty

Practice this morning was simply amazing. There is no need to put any other words down on paper. There' s no need to talk about the physical.... no need to wonder about backbends or forward bends... My practice today was mind blowing... and ever since I've been walking around feeling like this hollowed out shell... this recluse within a sphere of chaos but ever so calm.. the tangent and whisper of silence.

This is why I practice yoga.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:28 PM | Comments (3)

February 6, 2006

Rabbit Happy

Ah.... what a day. I felt like I would never have said that before Ms. Corporate America took over my life again. I spent a couple hours on the train this morning and then proceeded to sit in a conference room in meeting after meeting for the entire day. In fact, the last meeting wasn't even done when I left to catch my train home. When I passed the studio this morning I felt a yearning, a mourning for my practice which is no longer first in my life, no longer what dictates the schedule of my day. My meetings were long but interesting. I can't decide how much I like all this stuff again (but, CIODude, remind me to ask you about the Floor Warden implentation you have). It's partly really fun and partly just feels like work.

Rushing to catch my train again, I spent nearly the entire train ride on the phone. I had various things to catch up on, had a lovely chat with someone I know in professional circles, sometimes all that tech talk is really fun, it's that lure of the adult world, the part of me that still really likes writing code and finding the zone, the edge, the yoga in being in a programmer. Then I talked to Tiff for awhile. It's really strange because I really despise talking on the phone, it's just not my thing, not something I'm skilled at. Usually if I have to talk on the phone to someone, there are all these silent lapses and I can't carry a conversation. Before I started blogging that's how many of my one on one social interactions were as well. I haven't crossed the barrier with the phone. Sometimes I wonder if that's why I don't have many girlfriends --- because I don't do the whole "call me" thing. In fact, I'm likely to just not answer the phone if you do call me. Phone Phobia I call it. Anyway, so it's interesting to talk to Tiffany on the phone (and even more interesting to blog about someone that you know is going to read what you write)... it's interesting because I feel like I can actually hold a conversation with her. Not only that but I don't feel wierd talking to her about things I would never talk to other people about (like s*x). Maybe I can evolve past my phone phobia...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:59 PM | Comments (2)

February 5, 2006

Addicted to Crack

Yesterday morning brought the Circle of Tears as the end to our weeklong Ashtanga Intensive as they are now called. I learned so much this week that isn't really even possible to put into words... little blurbs that might given hints but definitely not serve as any sort of limitation to the actual illuminations --- everyone comes at this practice from such a different angle, with such a history tied in their bodies, we each have such a different path to follow and yet we feel this kindredship, this link that's intangible to each other; humility is easy to see, ego even easier especially in ourselves; jet lag does exist and therefore so does karma (more on that later).

Last year, the Circle of Tears was just that... tissues passed around. This year there were only a few watereyish eyes and no actual tears. It's wild just how different one group dynamic can be from the next although my real theory is just that I was in a different space this year. Regardless, I really enjoy these workshops and I would volunteer for each and every pose if I could but it's like I feel bad volunteering. I realized part way through that I feel bad as if Tim wouldn't want me to volunteer. I have no idea where this might be coming from, it must be entirely made up, but it is there nonetheless. In addition, since I practice with Tim regularly, I always felt that someone who isn't blessed with his eyesight (both internal and external) should take that spotlight. It is truly amazing the things you can learn (more on that when we get to the asana part of this post).

After the Circle of Tears, we finished packing up, we drove our little tiny car back to the airport, got all checked in, I bought some of these cool necklaces at the airport and then flew home. The first flight to Dallas was a bit bumpy and we all know I hate to fly. At one point hte plane dropped a bit and I grabbed onto The Daughter (who has no fear and is oblivious). She looked at me as if I was insane which is when I understood that my phobia of flying is entirely media driven. I mean, The Daughter has no clue it is even possible for a plane to fall out of the sky either by natural or man made causes. It didn't help much to have that revelation but I had it nonetheless. When we got to Dallas, we were a bit late and had to sit on the runway, then we were late getting through customs. We were still waiting for our bags at 6:35 and our flight was supposed to take off at 6:44. When we finally made it through, The Daughter and I literally sprinted to the gate hoping we'd at least convince them to hold it open for my mom.... turns out the flight was 20 minutes delayed and we got there, heaving and heaving, with plenty of time and a lot of strange looks from the people waiting at the gate.

So I was a bit flustered this morning when I heard my alarm clock going off for practice. It took me a good sit up in bed to realize that the alarm clock was still in my suitcase which I hadn't even opened prior to going to bed last night and it was going off as if I had practice at 7 am in Tulum. This meant that it was 4am in the morning, my alarm clock was blazing and it was somewhere in the large suitcase containing The Daughter and my items for a week of travel. It was with some laughter that, after rummaging around, waking myself fairly well up (and probably everyone else) that I found myself laying in bed thinking "Well, I might as well get up, I could just go downstairs and practice." I, of course, did not and did fall back asleep but at least my subconscious was wanting to wake up.

I was even more surprised to find that I've felt jet lag all day. I mean, just yesterday I was telling Tim and The Best Friend's wife how I have never had jet lag ever... not in all the trips to Japan and back. I just never feel this horrendous jet lag and can usually whip back into shape. Today, however, I feel like a truck ran over me and The Daughter, woah, she was TOTALLY jet lagged and really difficult to be with today. Which is why jet lag is proof that there is karma in the world. So, to cut a long story short.... I realized today that I have to be in L.A. all day tomnorrow which means a 6am Amtrak and no practice for me. I decided I would pracitce today somewhere since I couldn't make class (there was no way I could *ask* after being away for 7 days of yoga to go to yoga after getting home at 10 last night). Instead of practicing this afternoon I decided I'd go at 7pm tonight. I figured it would be a great time for genki yoga (if you don't know what genki is and have decided to google it, I'll give you a hint, it's a japanese word and is commonly used as such "Genki deus ka?" My license plate used to be GENKIKA -- man that was a good old little car, wasn't it?) As the night came on, however, I was less and less motivated. I eventually did make it to the mat and I found a few things fascinating.

First, my breath was long and deep and perfect. When I started Sun Salutations I was so focused and driven... then I found myself only doing poses where I had something I wanted to feel. I did 3 As, 2 Bs, Padagustasana and Hasta Padagustasana, Trikonasana, Prasarita A & C, Utthita Hasa Padagustasana, Ardha Baddha. Ardha Baddha was interesting because this is a pose I demonstrated in Tulum. All this time I've been trying to bring my knees closer together... really drawing the knee inward. When demonstrating I learned that this makes my hips uneven and I should be keeping the knee out somewhere instead of dropping the hip. After that I did Paschimottanasana and then found myself choosing Mari B. In Mari B, when we broke up into groups, I was told that I wasn't using my abductors enough. I, of course, am a complete idiot when it comes to the names of the anatomy our body. I don't know my psoas from my tibia. I had a hard time with the instruction "Use your abductors more, draw then towards your ribs, blah blah." Tim saw my utter confusion and came to help. When he instructed me I said "Tim, I have no idea where my abductor is." He then used nice, easy to recognize words and told me to draw my thighs closer together, the abductor was the inner thigh of the bent leg (I think that is how it was terms.. its the long muscle on the inside of the bent leg). I generally have to visualize and interpret when people are giving me physical instructions (this is why I was never good at aerobic classes, I can't follow instructions well, it takes me a few) so my visualization was that I was supposed to be trying to get that muscle closer to my ribs. Anyway, the point is that I was a little taken aback when I had 4 people standing around telling me to do this because Mari B is my absolute favorite pose in any series so far and I find it so supremely relaxing and grounding and heart lifting and meditative. I love to stay in it longer than 5 breaths and just feel the pose and it's utter comfort and security. It occurred to me, however, that perhaps this comfort is really just laziness. As we were doing the pose over and over my shoulder did this total snap, crackle pop thing and I exclaimed "Do you guys hear that!?" I said it in that way that "Yea that was so good" like you might with a cigarette after sex (if you were ever into that sorta thing). Everyone affirmed so in that way of "Yea, that cigarette must have been good." By the way, as for me, in my party days a cigarette after sex was good.... nowadays I can't stand the smell of smoke and it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. That was when I realized how we all like that pop... that particular feeling... it's like yoga crack.

After Mari B I did Supta Upavishta Konasana because I had a lightbult moment during the demonstration of this pose in Tulum... I was totally not engaging my calves which is why I was coming down hard... duh this is not so hard and so I wanted to make sure I could do it on a hard floor.

Then I did some backbends. I really really pushed into my legs and it really really does take the pressure off the back... but I was still lethargic and heavy. I tried to get my hands off the floor a couple times but with no success. It will come... if I can find a way to let go of the attachment to it coming.

I tried Laghu Vajarasana... that pose... coming maybe next lifetime.

Over the course of the week I got to get to know people better. It's funny I asked Tim a question about pranayama and mentioned that I really enjoy it as it reminds me of swimming. I guess I had never mentioned to him that I was really into swimming as a kid. I don't even know how much I've mentioned it here but I swam competitively from the age of like 6 or 7 I think. I used to swim A LOT. I swam so much that I eventually gave it up because I had no social life as an early teenager. I used to swim til like 10pm at night and my parents drove me all over creation for it. I even had an Olympic coach for awhile. I still have a few of the early gold medals that I got -- most in backstroke.. but also a fly one (is anyone thinking "gee, no wonder her shoulders look like they do?"). I swam throughout high school but not as competitively as I was in the middle of my swimming career). I gave it up in college.. didn't want to "swim the rest of my life." It has only been yoga that has ever held my attention long enough to notice that focus in my life. Pranayama, the act of inhaling and controlling the breath, reminds me so much of training. At the end of a race, half a pool's length from the wall, neck and neck, a breath can make or break you. It's sorta cool actually the focus of the breath. Anyway, I finally got to ask about attending pranayama class. I'm a bit scared to ever try it even if I could time-wise. Focused breathing isn't something I've done that seriously in years.

I was blog-ified in Tulum as well. If any of you remember I posted one day about a hit from a BHLF in Chicago... I was worried that it was someone at a firm I know professionally but in Tulum this sweet girl came and told me it had been her. A lawyer, not a techie. It's funny when someone you meet knows you through this thing but it also reminded me of how much I missed blogging so tonight I had to choose bath or blog, bath or blog... and I chose the discipline of blogging because it has done so much for me. This blog has allowed me to be open to people in a way that I would never have been before. Likely because I was so socially inept (ask The Best Friend, I was definitely a social freak for awhile). There was quite a bit of talk about the ashtanga blogs in Tulum actually and lots of people asked me about it after awhile. There was also talk of Ashtanga Police Citations and the variety of certified teachers out there.

Tomorrow... L.A. all day. I found out that I got invited to this big deal in Redmond on Monday that I was gonna go to Guruji so now I have to rework the plan. I've emailed Norcal and asked if I can do the practice on Friday the 17th and Monday the 19th. If this works out then I can do the SF deal on Sunday as planned and just extend the trip so I can see all the SF friends too on Saturday. Manifest!!!!!

By the way, pictures from the retreat are up at Ashtangi.NET.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:56 PM | Comments (3)

February 1, 2006

Soaring Shavasana

I have no idea what to blog about... my time down here is really different this time around. Having The Daughter here means that I'm doing very little engaging in the personal interaction here in Tulum. Pracitce yesterday was Mysore style. The Daughter has been begging me to practice while she's here so she came with me. I figured that she would do a few things, stay for 10 minutes and then leave... she actually stayed the entire two hour practice. She practiced off and on... watching people, trying the poses she was seeing... she never made a peep... so quiet and respectful. I was actually pretty proud of her. It was interesting for me though.. it was so hot and humid and I was feeling so strong that I knew I could have this out of body practice... but I was distracted by her. I was worried she was distracting other people and I was distracted by making sure she wasn't. About halfway through the practice I felt a lot of anger welling up. I was so angry that she was distracting me and I really wanted her to go back to the room... I asked her but she wouldn't budge. I realized then that I just needed to let go... and I did.... In the end, I asked Alison to help me with dropbacks/standing up. She told me I'm not using my legs at all. No real news there. She also told me to make sure that my quads were burning by the time I was done.

So this morning's practice was Improv and someone asked for Kapotasana... we did about 6 backbends in preparation and, of course, I listened to Ali and my quads were on fire by the time we go there... so though I could get into Kapotasana and get my toes... my quads were so strung out I couldn't get up :) We also did a lot of arm balances and shoulder opening (variations of Pincha Mayurasana).

Time here is going quickly... the weather is perfect... The Daughter seems to be having a great time with her playmate. Speaking of which...off to find her.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:57 AM | Comments (9)