facing inward

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

January 29, 2006

Letting Go

Got up at the crack of dawn on Saturday to catch our 6 a.m. flight to Cancun. When we arrived at the airport, Ali was there, my best friend's wife, daughter and mother-in-law and another girl clearly going to a yoga workshop (it's hard to miss those Manduka mats). When we got to L.A. we wound up with another few workshop attendees on the plane. The Daughter was awesome on the flight... such a good traveler... things were great... and then our bags were gone. All 3 of them. Apparently, they never got on the plane from San Diego and, as a result, the got here by way of Cancun.... a day late. It wasn't so bad except that I had no practice clothes. Thankfully Ashtangis are sweet and no one had a problem sharing clothes with me.

Which brings us to practice this morning... it rocked. I can't say I remember anything about it physically... what I can say is that I completely tore apart during savasana. No tears... just this silent, absolute encompassing, break down... a pure, empty moment of bliss.

There's lots of San Diegans here this year. Lots of people who are new to ashtanga... a New York crew. The Daughter is doing great... she loves it (probably because A has ALL the tricks up her sleeve for kids). I've checked my email and, granted, it's Sunday but all things are quiet on the western front... it's warm, just the right humidity... the food is good, the people rock... I love Tulum.

Without my baggage, no pictures today..but I expect to be able to upload some soon. Chow.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:43 PM | Comments (2)

Maya Tulum...

They have wireless connections in the restaurant now... imagine.... the .... possibilities (nod to A).... An update later about the goings on around here but now off to Philosophy.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:51 PM

January 28, 2006

Mind Wide Open

Today was Friday which means today was teach yoga for kids day. We've been teaching the class in this little classroom so today we decided to try it outside on the grass. I always get there early and setup the mats, etc... Today I had about 10 minutes to wait after setup so I decided to do some drop backs. I put my hands on my lower thighs and just hung out for awhile, finally putting my hands down... then I played around with one hand down and then the other, both at the same time, etc., etc. I probably did at least 10 backbends while waiting.

What I realized later is that I'm freakin' out today. My boss even noticed it and I blamed it on the caffeine. I've been a basket case all day... just mentally out there. I finally noticed that I was having a hard time insulating myself.... like I was just totally raw and out there.... it's just all hanging out. I had a conversation with an ex-boyfriend and I was acting like a complete idiot. I had business conversations today where I could barely hold it together. You know how we go through our lives and we constantly check in with ourselves and we determine, perhaps, what we might say or not say depending on the situation? Well, I am normally pretty good with that and today I just failed miserably. I'm sure half the people in my world think I'm completely losing my mind. It could be stress given my week but, honestly, the more the day went on, the more I realized I was just raw... completely and totally raw... I have had some wierd emotional things of late but I actually had the thought that I feel like I've got those in the right line of sight.... Mind blowing? Maybe but with the 6 regular backbends, the 5 or 6 I did with Kiran and then regular dropbacks plus the ones I did hanging out... I've done a lot more backbends today than I normally do. I'm figuring that the backbends have blown my heart wide open... and we all know the heart is attached to the mind... I lost my insulation... I blew through the wall of my facade for just a tiny moment (or maybe a few of them) and my interactions with people were raw, uncensored wailings of a sort. Simply mind blowing.

I finally accomplished packing... I think... as I lay here I just have to throw up my hands... I'm so brain dead, I can't get my thoughts together enough to understand whether or not I've actually packed the things I need or whether I will get there and have a huge bag full of inappropriate items... I suppose we'll soon find out.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:09 AM | Comments (2)

January 27, 2006

Ah... My Home

It's quite an experience to throw all of your clothes out of your suitcase and immediately start packing for the next trip. With just about 48 hours in town before Tulum, I've got a full plate and not enough forks to get through it all. Given my practice history for the last week, however, there was no way I was going anywhere without a practice this morning. I have to say it was beautiful to get up, get changed and walk outside thinking "Shit it's cold... wait, this isn't cold... it's 60 degrees.. this is beautiful." One of my hosts from my trip to Chicago told me before I left that I'd return with a new appreciation for San Diego weather. I was insistent in that ping conversation that I already appreciated this beautiful place I lived... I now know he was spot on right (he's, afterall, quite a brilliant man), I DO appreciate the beauty of this climate all the more and I find myself thinking "Stop your complaining... at least it isn't Chicago."

Driving up to the studio I realized that Tim wouldn't be at practice this morning... he left for Tulum today. I was hoping that our lovely Kiran would be adjusting... I really needed some good strong and deep adjustments today and, frankly, Kiran is the master adjuster. Her adjustments beat just about everyone's adjustments that I've ever had. I thought practice was going to suck this morning -- but about halfway through I found a groove and drew in my focus. I'm trying to figure out Bhujapindasana right now. If I put my knees over my shoulders, I can't get my feet through my hands... it's like my feet are too big (they are pretty big). I can get down very much without grace but there's no way I can keep my ankles crossed... I've watched a few other advanced practitioners do this and they all seem to do it with their knees by their elbows as in my picture there.... but I don't get how to get into Titibhasana with your knees down there. With time, I suppose. I wanted to attempt Dwi Pada on my own again. I didn't mention that I was pretty surprised at getting myself into Dwi Pada so easily while I was playing around in the conference room in Chicago. I didn' t even have to lean against the wall... and when I went over I grasped my finger tips... so I really wanted to try it again as my hips seemed pretty open but I grew fearful in my ego and so I asked Kiran to help me. After she got me into it, I was surprised to find that I not only could touch finger tips but I could actually feel my hands. Badha K was a great joy today... even Rich told me I just let go of my hips...

And then came backbends..... and my back actually felt pretty good today... and I knew Tim wasn't there... and that Kiran was and I knew we could try some dropbacks..... so we did. I love that adjustment that she does (she'll have to explain it).. and I can feel the muscles in my legs via that adjustment but I'm still missing something crucial... but what a great adjustment and I really enjoy the experience of going up and coming down.... I'm trying to let go of the frustration... the mental process... the juice is in the absence of the thought.

I'm completely unprepared for Tulum... all my yoga clothes are unwashed, I haven't purchased half of the toiletries I need (sunblock, bug spray....), I haven't figured out what I need to bring for The Daughter... Heck, I don't even know what time my flight leaves. I'm sitting in my office today... teach yoga for kids at 12:30.... back to work and then scramble to get my stuff done and out of here in the morning. Then I'm outta here for 7 days.... I hear Tulum has an Internet connection in the main lobby this year... so you may just see a post or two from me... otherwise just lots of pictures when I get back.

Chow.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:04 PM | Comments (8)

January 26, 2006

Drink Yourself Into Me

My body is all out of whack... I woke up yesterday feeling like a dried up corn husk and dreading the fact that I had to get up and go out in that cold Chicago air to make it to the offices of my hosts. I have to say my impression of Chicago is not such a positive one. That place is frigid and frigid is only a good word when used to describe a refrigerator. Frigid. Frigid. Frigid. My lips were sucked dry of their moisture, my cuticles were going to fall off, my eyes were wondering what happened to their tears and my hamstrings wondered if I was going to keep us here forever. My hips, however, as always when I am closer to the east coast than the west, were much more open. I worked most of the morning and my host took me on a walk from the Chicago River somewhere to Michigan Avenue to see Millenium Park, to the State Building to stand in the middle and spin in circles (like some typical tourist), across the Daily something or other patio where the wind blew like we were in a typhoon and finally back to the office where we wrapped things up and Tiffany joined us after checking out of the W Lakeshore (which, by the way, is actually the least well kept up W I've ever stayed in).

Our hosts gave us the afternoon off to shop. I'm not much of a shopper when I figure I can visit the Nordies down the street when I get home anyway. Not to mention that I don't think either of us had the desire to walk around in the frigid cold city. Instead, we broke out the yoga mat in the conference room and decided to mess around. Our original goal was to get me up from a backbend and get Tiffany up in Urdhva Mukha Paschimottanasana. We ended up messing around with handstands, knocking the walls around which I'm sure made all the uber-geek guys in the other room wonder what the hell was happening between the shaking walls and the giggles and then exclamations of pain as either one of us did stupid ass things -- like Tiffany dropping me on my head from a backbend (at least I've finally experienced it) or Tiffany trying to do a handspring something or other in the space of 10 feet. So we spent an hour or so messing around and then gave a demonstration of uniquely poorly demonstrated yoga poses to our host... including Dwi Pada on my part into Tittibhasana, parsva bakasana, Tiffany's vrrkchasana which was pulled off beautifully by the way along with grabbing her ankles in a backbend... I'm sure, in the end, he just thinks between our yoga in the hotel lobby and our yoga in the conference room that we are a couple of California Princess Freaks.

Finally on the airplane we listened to the music of The Bandages and waited anxiously for the lights of Balboa Park to pass under our plane and lead us to the runway and back to real weather. I've never been so happy to get off a plane and feel the warm Southern California air on my arms. I immediately felt the moisture coming back to my lips, my cuticles, my eyes....

The bummer is that my body and my time clock is completely screwed up. I got up this morning to see the kids and craved more time in bed. Into my work clothes, into the office, however, I came... conference calls literally all day though I'm hoping to perhaps skip out of here for maybe an 45 minute practice today... I need a practice or next week is going to really kill me from a stamina point of view.

I thought a lot last night as I was trying to fall asleep about business, playing the game, not playing the game. I guess I do view the whole business world as somewhat of game. I'm in a meeting with my boss, I gotta figure out his angle, play his game. I'm in a meeting with a vendor, I gotta figure out their angle, play their game. I'm in a meeting with a client, I gotta figure out their angle, play their game. It's all about relationships... it's all about figuring out how to interact with the multitude of people you come across in the game of life and life includes business, yoga, family and, oftentimes, some cross over of the two. I am fortunate. I can fit in in just about any situation and this ability gives me the extra benefit of being able to make people feel comfortable in their own environments but I always feel like I just ran a marathon and it takes me forever to process it. Before I practiced yoga, I used to take all this much more personally.... now I find that I'm much more capable of removing myself from the experience. It isn't me and it doesn't really make me anymore like it might have before.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:23 PM | Comments (4)

January 25, 2006

It's A W World

This has probably been the longest non blogging period I've had in a long long time. Honestly, I can't even remember the last time I blogged.... I know that my last post, however, generated a lot of comments -- about the sharing of bank accounts and marital permissions. I promise to address those as I have a lot of thoughts and answers for a lot of the questions asked but, first and foremost, let's catch up on my life.

I became totally and completely sick. Sneezing, stuffy head, sore throat, achey, Nyquil type of sick. I was bummed. Really bummed. I spent Friday at work, sick, remembering how much being sick, sitting in an office can be. I didn't practice... nor did I practice Saturday. Instead I spent Saturday in bed, asking my daughter to entertain herself and squeezing as much entertainment value out of the television as I could (this works well with The Son, horribly with The Daughter). Sunday Tiff and I got up at the crack of freakin' dawn to catch our 6am flight to Chicago. We didn't get to sit next to each other and so our plan of attack was to sleep the entire flight, get to Chicago and practice. Instead, I got to sit next to Mr. All Arm Rests Are Mine and oh by the way, so is your foot room. Tiff got to sit next to someone who didn't use deoderant and loved to raise their arms above their heads. By the time we got here, we both about collapsed on the bed from exhaustion and starvation. We ordered room service, put on Yoga Unveiled and then proceeded to sleep the afternoon away.

Such a relaxing afternoon meant that getting up for practice at Yoga Now Chicago Monday morning was a piece of cake.... only we had asked the bartender at the W how long it would take us to get there and she told us 40 minutes.... of course, we bought this and arrived at Yoga Now an entire half hour before practice started and before the studio was opened.... People it's 30 freakin' degrees in Chicago and with the wind, well, Tiff and I were about to die. We wrapped our practice blankets around us, we wrapped our scarves around our heads, we hemmed and hawed and said "It's fucking cold" an awful fucking lot.

Proof in the camera phone:

Fortunately, I doubt yoga would happen if there weren't actual working heaters for yoga studios and the room was nice and freakin' hot when we walked in. Practice itself started out pretty good... for not having done yoga in about a week, I was pleasantly surprised that touching my toes was pretty darned easy.... unfortunately, having been really sick, I could barely breath and my equilibrium was totally off. It was so hard to breath that I couldn't find the breath whatsoever and my practice really showed it. When I lose my breath, it's a matter of losing the focus and the spiritual component of the practice... it was a bummer as I really needed the mental space. This guy walked in that I knew I knew from Tim's.... isn't it funny how we know faces but not names or places. He recognized me as he kept looking at me but I"m assuming he couldn't place me as I couldn't place him.

Work is going pretty well here... Vulcan mind meld kinda stuff but well nonetheless (even if I'm in a room full of uber-geeks -- A, that is for you, I know you're reading). Last night was the work social event which started out at Chicago's House of Blues. We sorta figured that it wasn't likely to make practice this morning given the "party" attitude of the night.... and so we proceeded to get damned spanked smashed. I haven't had that much alcohol in probably years. We drank, we ate, we drank, we ate.... and when the alarm went off this morning I remembered why years have passed since the last time I polluted and otherwise abused my body that way (for evidence of our drunken state, kindly go read Tiff's drunken blog post from Monday evening).

Needless to say, work today was hard... really hard.... I was tired and groggy and my body was in rebellion over the amount of alcohol I ingested the night before. Tiff got to sleep, I got to bare the freezing old air here in Chicago and uber geek out myself. For lunch we went to Indian and I got to get a taste of why this is the windy city... literally, I kid you not, the wind literally knocked me out of the crosswalk. I'm a pretty big girl and I was fighting to stay within the white lines.

This evening we took it easy... went out for sushi and then walked a few blocks before Tiff and I announced that it was too damn cold to walk anywhere so we hit the hotel bar where I, with so much pleasure I began my moon (read -- I won't have it in Mexico HOORAY!), had a couple glasses of wine (ladies' holiday tomorrow afterall) and then Tiff and I rearranged the bar furniture, sat on the floor and proceeded to demonstrate yoga poses such as bakasana and padma mayurasana... much to the amusement of the other hotel lobby guests. Much amusement I must say.

And now, I must go to bed.. I get to come home tomorrow.... I'm really happy.

Before I go however, my overriding thought of this post about regret. I got into a lengthy conversation with someone about regret... here's the thing I fuck up all the time. Sometimes I screw up so bad I even surprise myself. Most of the time when I screw up, I screw up in the order of self restraint (as evidenced by the amount of alcohol which passes through my lips on Monday night). I never, however, regret actions.... even those ones that I see as compromising who I am as a person, the integrity with which I try to live my life, the spirit of my soul, etc. Regret only serves to make us feel negative emotions about ourselves... if you regret, embrace it, learn from it, process it, forgive yourself and move on.

Addendum: Proof that things at the W rarely change.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:01 AM | Comments (5)

January 18, 2006

Deserving Of Its Own Post

So I got into a conversation with Tiffany (is it like a free ride when people start calling you **TIFF**, does that mean you're like "in" or something? ;-) ) about independent, money, marriage. One of the things about our marriage that nearly every last person I've ever met didn't quite know how to deal with is the fact that The Husband and I have completely separate bank accounts. I don't have his passwords, he doesn't have mine. I don't know what he's got in the bank, he doesn't know what I got. I literally have only a vague figure in my head of what The Husband makes per year.... I could be wrong by thousands of dollars, I'm not real sure. The truth is, I have no real drive to find out. It's one of those things that make some women uncomfortable, it makes couples wonder between themselves if we aren't as committed to marriage as them (I've even overheard a couple of those conversations). The truth is, it just doesn't matter to us. There are so many passages of our marriage, so many brick walls to pound through together.... our "issues" come in a completely different form. That isn't to say that those other forms are better... no, in many, many ways, those ways are 100% worse and I'd trade them any day for the challenge of managing money together. It is what it is and, in this lifetime, these things we have are the things we are here to deal with.

So I was a bit surprised when I started thinking about wanting another tattoo. I'm pretty sure I want another small tattoo.... and this evening I was even thinking about, mhmmm..... where would I want to get one. The surprise is that I could feel the first nigglings of an "issue" -- do I just decide and do it? Do I ask "permission" from The Husband? Do I ask but really tell when I ask (come on we all do that right?)? See... I would never worry about saying "Well, darnit, I spent $200 at Neiman Marcus the other day." but I do worry over "looking" like something The Husband might not want me to look like.

And you know what that goes to show? That goes to show that when you're 8, you care about what your friends think when they get in your car and you're sitting in a car seat (by the way, exactly the same as your 5 year old little sister) and they've been out of one for two years. And at 36, you care just as much as about fitting in to that mold you've created for yourself in your own mind. Too bad there's no mommy to release the tension for ya, eh?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:27 PM | Comments (11)

What Kids Remind Us Of

I'm still adjusting to this whole working in an office thing. It's wild the various ramifications it has. It's sorta funny how things come together. In my past life, working from home, I wouldn't likely have much time to sit and think without a bazillion other things going on around me. Having two parents who work from home and two kids at home 67% of the time, well, things can get hairy. I actually have time to myself right now... It's wierd and just a 5 minute commute makes me feel like I have this moment of regrouping to change hats. I was just wearing like 4 hats at a time back then and I didn't see it. So, yea, I'm seeing *some* positives along with all those big bumps of giving up something it felt like I had grasped hold of.

Anyway, during one of these moments of solitude (scary that I find driving home at 5pm with all the other wackos driving like a bat out of hell back to their respective home lives more a sense of solitude than the dance I did before), I had the thought that The Son is still in a carseat. See right now we are having all these discussions about birthdays and birthday parties (we're pushing for the family trip to Disneyland vs. having a sleepover for 8 year olds AND a gymnastic birthday party for The Daughter's crew all in one week). The Son will be 8 next month, The Daughter 5. He's the only 8 year old I know that is still in a carseat. The law clearly states that 6 OR 60 pounds is acceptable. He weighs about 55 pounds now. But the pictures all show the placement of the seatbelt and it just doesn't seem like he's there yet.

I sorta forgot about the thought process and tonight I heard the son really upset in the other room. He was telling The Husband how much he doesn't want to sit in a carseat anymore and how he's the only child who is still in one. Now, I haven't decided if I'm proud or not that my son is the only child who "a few things" such as the only child in his class that isn't allowed to eat the cookies on the teacher's desk but when he actually starts to mention stuff, I know it's coming from some deep place within him and I try to take notice. We decided we'll try it.

There's been a couple times lately when The Son has said "I can't believe you are doing this. I can't believe you are letting me go or letting me do this or saying that." Everytime he says it I feel really conflicted. Am I so far outside of his realm of reality? Why would he be that surprised? Have I been that much of an ogre about letting him do the things that lots and lots of kids do? Are all my restrictions going to make him a better person or just the one that remembers his mom & dad were sorta the "hippy parents" on the street? I mean I actually know parents who identify their parents that way and, honey, I got checkmarks all down that description.

What kids remind us is that we have to always ask ourselves if we are getting just way too comfortable and we've stopped listening.

It was only later that I remembered that The Nanny had picked up The Son and his little best friend and the best friend's little brother who is a kindergartner... and, oh by the way, doesn't sit in a carseat.

What kids remind us is that the value of yoga is teaching us flexibility -- on the mat and off, in our minds and out, for someone else or for ourselves.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:44 PM | Comments (4)

Dreamin'

Last night The Husband informed me (and swears he told me before last night) that he had a meeting at 8am in Orange County. The Nanny was crashing a course which left me having to do school drop-offs at 8am and 9am and therefore unable to do Mysore at the studio this morning. I didn't practice yesterday as I had conference calls all day so I hemmed and hawed and finally decided to do Mysore at the local health club. It might not have been so bad if I had gotten some sleep last night... but sometime around midnight the shower door pulled itself closed, The Daughter climbed into bed sometime around 3am from which point forward I worried over the alarm waking her and was in and out of sleep. I did, apparently, find some time to dream right before the alarm went off at 5:12 am. In my dream I was practicing with Guruji on tour and I was worried about chatarungas.... in my dream, I managed to hold a chatarunga... I was fully engaged with bandhas and using my legs... it was a beautiful thing.

This dream is not so far fetched... you see I registered for two days of Guruji's SF tour stop yesterday. My Husband is the most supportive man on the planet for he is giving me the time to go to SF on Sunday the 19th, see my friends and also practice with Guruji. I was supposed to come home on Monday for work but, as it turns out, the MS Office DevCon is the 21-23 and I have to be in Redmond from the 20-24... My wonderful husband agreed to let me stay in SF on the 20th. My very nice boss gave me permission to work in our SF office on Monday which means I get to practice with Guruji Sunday and Monday, work Monday and then fly to Seattle. This means I do have the concern over how I'm going to make it through a practice with Guruji when it comes to Chataraungas and Utpluthi. I can't do them. I certainly can't hold them. Do I try to get to Sharath before class starts and explain my situation? Do I say "I had surgery and can't do x and y?" Do I just get yelled at the entire practice for being a bad lady? I was going to ask Tim what he thinks when I get a chance. Regardless, I am happy to have the opportunity to see Guruji again as well as my SF friends.

Practicing at 5:30 in the morning when the temperature outside is 40 degrees sucks. The health club was only slightly warmer than the temporary studio when I started. At 5:30 I started all by myself but shortly a few people showed up. At first my practice was great... the teacher brought in a portable heater and I got a bit warmed up.... After I got to seated, my practice sorta fell apart. Part of it was that I lost my breath with the adjustments. Whether I'm just used to Tim or whatever, I don't seem to gel well with the adjustments this teacher gives and I lost my breath and got cold... sold cold that at the end of the first series, I did 4 backbends and called it a day. It worked out well because I had to get home so The Husband could take off but I didn't feel like I got a great practice in.

I am in L.A. tomorrow so no practice tomorrow.... Sunday I leave for Chicago where I have plans to practice with Ms. Jepson of Yoga Chicago fame on Monday and then hope to make practices Tuesday/Wednesday provided that I can, in the most politically correct manner, excuse myself from the late night party shin digs the vendor has planned for me. It's gonna be freakin' freezing cold in Chicago.... I heard it snowed...

You know you live in Southern California when you drive out of the health club parking lot at 7am, the thermometer in your car says 42 degrees and a man in a convertible 911 pulls up next to you... top down... big hat, gloves, scarf on.... and sunglasses. It's like "Dude... put the top up and turn the heater on!"

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:34 PM | Comments (6)

January 17, 2006

Sorta Freaky....

So, after I made that last post I went and checked in with StatCounter. I don't do it very often (even though I probably should) but I had some time... Usually I check how many hits I'm getting just to know how much traffic is passing through. I average about 560 hits a day on my blog... a surprising number of hits and page loads given that this is just little old me here.... so I was a bit surprised when I saw over a 1,000 hits today. Woah.. 1,000 hits... Given that number, I did a little more looking and discovered that someone spent almost an entire day, from one computer, one ISP, somewhere in L.A. reading my ENTIRE lifestory here. Yes, hello new friend... every archive from January 2002 on up was read today. That's a LOT to absorb about one person... heck even I couldnt' tell you what exists in those archives (which is partly why it's a bit freaky). Santa Fe Springs... a town I didn't even know existed until just now... a little freaky.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:29 AM | Comments (4)

Cold Cold, Tight Tight

The alarm went off this morning and I seriously considered sleeping in. Since it is Martin Luther King Day, I'm off work and the idea of spending an lazy morning in bed was certainly more appealing than getting up at the crack of dawn in the freezing cold. As I lay there I realized that by staying in bed I might be buying myself another 30 minutes so I figured what the heck, I might as well just go. Only it was cold in there this morning... and not just cold but the kind of cold where after I took my UGG boots on I was jealous of the people who thought to wear socks and I wondered if it were possible to practice with socks on. It was so cold.... so very cold that I debated actually leaving. The thought actually crossed my mind "I could just roll up my mat and leave right now... I could ifnd a class later on today."

With my mind finally quieting down, practice came hard and slow.... I was tight in the cold... I was tired... my body feels completely worn out. My muscles are exhausted and I feel more sore than when I haven't exercised in weeks and suddenly whip out a full first series. It's not the saddle sore but more of complete muscle exhaustion. I understand a lot of Ashtangis take Motrin for this... but I can't seem to bring myself to rely on "medicine." For that matter, the two times I've tried it, I haven't noticed any difference (perhaps I was too conservative in dosage?).

When Tiffany was in Prasarita C today, her hands were sooo close to the ground that I pushed them down... only I knocked her off balance as I thought she was a bit more steady than she was.... I don't think Tim was happy (and really I shouldn't have) done that. Mari D was so hard today that I barely gave it effort. Kurmasana hurt like a mother... Supta K was unattainable. By the time backbends floated around I had fleeting ideas of how exactly I could get out of doing dropbacks entirely. I debating simply breaking into shoulderstand... surely I could pretend I had to go to work... if only I hadn't started with the rest of the class which made it quite clear I had no office to go to today. Maybe I could do my 6 and find Rich in the room... or, better yet, let's convince Kiran to do her thigh adjustment which makes it a whole hell of a lot easier than the one handed adjustment I knew TIm would try. I struggled through four when Tim came around and did an adjustment from my "head side" -- it felt really good but I knew that meant six was next and tha meant coming up. He helped me up by my hips... then did dropbacks which felt horrible. On the last, hands back, Tim told me to walk it in... I grunted... he said "That's it?" He put his hand on my chest and I thought "Damn, I have to do this..." We rocked a bit and then I came up... And then he did the squish in Paschimottanasana....

I guess, all in alll, it turned out to be an okay tight practice... full of lots of mental anguish which is probably sometimes good... but just way too cold in that room right now... way too cold.

I spent the rest of the morning running errands with the kids when I got an email from Tiffany asking which W we are staying at in Chicago... so I checked the reservation and discovered that I'm an idiot -- I made a reservation for DECEMBER of 2006 not January and, as a result, we had no reservation for Chicago on Sunday... you can imagine the litany of swear words going through my head especially after I discovered that most of Chicago is sold out. Like all I could find was a Courtyard and we all know that I'm a horrendously horrid hotel snob. In the end, I got us a room at the W. Cross off stupid on the crossword puzzle of my life this week.

I also received my invitation to MSFT Dev Con 2006.... which is something that I can't pass up and also happens to be the second week of Guruji's visit... which means I can pretty much hang up my hat on the idea of practicing with Guruji. I had the idea of going up for a Sunday but, realistically, I can't pull it off. I feel fortunate to practice with my teacher regularly and, for now, I suppose, as much as it sucks, that's the sacrifice I'm going to have to make.

Our big familial event this evening went great.... a big deal that seems to be working itself out as best as it can and our entire family seems to be buying into it.

Tomorrow is a day off... I'd love to practice but I have meetings all day tomorrow including through lunch. Sunday is Chicago, then home for two days... then Maya Tulum..... 7 days... on a beach... doing yoga.... it won't get any better.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:41 AM | Comments (4)

January 16, 2006

Looped Up

I intended to do the Church of Tim this morning but then The Son had to get to a birthday party at 11, The Husband and The Daughter were driving to Father In Law's house and we spent most of the morning discussing a marital revelation that we came to last night after having a fight. I'm not sure if it was actually a marital revelation as much as me finally wording my grievances in a manner (thanks to a very helpful book called You Don't Have To Take It Anymore) that The Husband finally heard me and actually accepted and, dare I say, even agreed with my perspective on some issues that have been going on way too long in our marriage. Since I knew that Kiran was teaching at the health club, I didn't stress as that gave me an extra hour to do family stuff and then get to practice.

Normally the room at the health club is super cold and I hate having to do first series in there. Today I got there right at 11 (class starts at 11:15) and it was nice and toasty in the room. The class prior filed out and I put my mat down, was doing a bit of stretching when Ms. Loud & Know It All walked in. I don't know who she was but she was one of those people that walk into the room and decide that everyone must know what they think and why they think it. She began ordering her friend around "Oh, you really should put your mat here." The friend didn't want to and the lady was insistent and then said "Oh you know, it's just an intro class." To which her other friend agreed and they began commenting about the type of introduction. I popped my head up from pigeon and said "Actually, this is a first series class." To which Ms. Loud & Know It All said "yes intro" and I repeated that it was actually a first series class and that the intro class is on the opposite Sundays of the month. She argued with me and I repeated that this was not going to be an intro class in my understanding but that she should talk to the teacher when she arrived. Someone else showed up and overheard Ms. Loud & Know It All still discussing the matter of an introductory class with her friend and also piped up that this was not an introductory class but the full first series. I reiterated that, in fact, this was the hardest class that the club offered but that the teacher was excellent and they should stay. This was met with loud exclamations that of course, they've done ashtanga before and it's just too aerobic for them but they would stay and get their exercise in for the day since they were already there. I closed my eyes and blocked out the rest of her diatribe.

I was really happy to be doing first today with time and no stress at having to be at work. I asked Kiran if I could do my whole practice today and she was fine with that... so I did led with the class... Interesting news today... I actually did one whole chatarunga today. ONE WHOLE CHATARUNGA TODAY. It wasn't the most beautiful one... but my elbows were where they were supposed to be and I held it up for a split second before I nearly lost it. I wasn't even really trying but during the first few sun salutations, given the late time and the heat, I felt really really strong and it just came out. I tried it again after realizing I had actually done a chatarunga that could pass in front of Guruji (I think) and I didn't have the same power though I came close. After a couple though that was it, I couldn't pull anymore out.

Prasaritas (there are 4 A, B, C & D..this picture is of C) felt amazingly wonderful today. I had my left leg nearly full straight up in Utthita Hasta C. On my first jump through (to Dandasana) Ms. Know It All who was directly across from me started to laugh at me... I think she thought I had done something wrong. I gave her my most winning smile! On the next jump through I think she realized that you were supposed to be doing that. I was pretty surprised to pull off jump throughs up to Marichyasanas today. Mari D was a complete wonder today. Really comfortable, really twisted... in fact, I was looking at the guy next to me via the twist and he started cracking up because I was so twisted I was looking almost at him. I attempted some handstands between Navasanas but they didn't feel good and I can't get up without some air.

Then came Kurmasana and you know what? It felt AWESOME. My legs were over my shoulders, my legs were straight... it was great. I probably should have tried to bind Supta on my own but I really wanted to try Dwi Pada first so I came up and asked Kiran to help me. I was totally too far back when she started... and though she got my legs crossed, they wouldn't stay... I sorta felt more open to them staying today but my hair was in a bun and I couldn't get it out of the way. Once she helped me down, I was able to grab my fingers and it felt great... no real pull today through the left side and I was able to get up into Titthibasana after. The rest of first series was good and then I broke into Pasasana... Kiran helped me twist which was really nice and then she did her famous and quite wonderful adjustment in Krounchasana. She was doing her thing so far my leg was shaking worse than when I got my tattoo!!!

I struggled through Bhekasana on my own... did Ustrasana and then tried Laghuvajarasana again. Man, this pose is really really freakin' hard. I have no idea where to put my hands, elbows, head and I couldn't get up. Kiran came to help and I mumbled that I was stuck... she helped me up and then helped me get into Kapotasana. She got my fingers slightly more to the center of my feet but, realistically, I was more open Friday night after doing all the research poses. Kapotasana, however, doesn't hold FEAR for me the way I hear people talk about it... It really doesn't bother me while I'm down there... perhaps I will get a taste of that when I can get deeper into it. I, however, couldn't get up from that either. I was able to get my arms straight but not push up and come out of it.

Then I did 6 backbends and Kiran came over to her new "promised to get you up and down adjustment" and I have to say it works. She squatted on the ground and put her hands right at the top of my thighs. She told me to go back pushing against her hands. I didn't know what she meant and on the first one I went down to my head before she said "no no hands!" We tried it again... boom up... back up back up back up... then again back up back up. No problemo.... in fact, that adjustment made it effortless. I couldn't really get a feel for what she was doing to my body... it didn't really feel like she was doing anything... I kept trying to feel what movement she was giving me but I couldn't really tell (of course, we all know I'm not really good at that stuff). Anyway... it was really cool.

So all in all I had a wonderful practice today... but ever since I've felt really loopy and mind blown. It must be kapotasana... must be.

After class I went to the mall with Tiffany. Often Sundays the kids and The Husband are with the FIL so I have the day to myself and with the new "no working on the weekends" it's sorta cool. I really need to get some work clothes but all I could find was cute cute cute casual clothes. Tiffany was supposed to help me but she really just laughed at me. I did get a cute green Danang skirt and a cute Theory orange tank top (yes, they will not work for work) and a pair of BCBG work pants.... but I really really need work shirts and that seems to be what I can't find.

Ever since I got home I've been feeling like I was simply going to pass out. If I put my head down I probably would have. So to engage my kids I asked them to play Mario Kart DS on the Gamecube with me (as if that was a hard question to answer)... My kids can kick my butt on that game but I was finally getting it towards the end. I have also felt like eating nothing alld ay today. Again, it must be the backbends... just totally not hungry at all. For dinner I ate some couscous with feta in it and that was it. The Husband was asking why I was so looped out so I showed him the picture from that link on Kapotasana and he said "YOU can DO that?" I said "Well, not like that... I can't get my hands to my heels and my head isn't between my feet but I can do some semblance of the pose." I think he has no idea what I actually do on the mat. :) :)

This wireless internet thing in the house is cool.... I'm sitting in bed blogging.... tomorow is a big day for our family. I haven't blogged about it because it isn't my business to hang out on the Internet but there is some big stuff happening in my extended family, really really big stuff and tomorrow is the day when it is all supposed to "come together" --- and, of course, being the hostess that I am, I'm hosting this "coming together" at my house tomorrow.... so I'm making two lasagnes tomorrow (one with meat for my parents and family and one without for The Husband and I), salad, pie, etc. I still haven't been eating meat but shrimp and I've been CRAVING shrimp (which is pure protein so that makes sense)... I don't miss meat AT ALL except that cooking is MUCH easier during the weekdays with meat. I need to get creative again.

Tomorrow... a leisurely Mysore which I'm really looking forward to. MLK day and I have the day OFF. Hooray.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:50 AM | Comments (1)

January 14, 2006

Intro To Second

UGH.... I just spent about a half hour making a post and lost the whole thing. I don't even know what I did but BOOM suddenly it was all gone and I couldn't even log into Ashtangi.NET. I doubt I can recreate it so I'll just have to start over.

Given that yesterday was Friday, at noon I taught my Yoga for Kids class. This time all 15 5 year olds were present and accounted for and just as into it as they were the first day if not more so. I had a really good time teaching... in fact, I'm surprised at just how fun it is to teach kids yoga. We did standing poses and seated poses and then in the middle I let 4 of my friends teach us yoga poses that they made up.... One girl made up a pose which just happens to be the first pose of 3rd series. I found this interesting because there's no way she could know that and it goes to show you that some of our yoga poses, as mysterious and difficult as they appear, are quite natural movements of the body. This teaching engagement is somewhat difficult in the grand scheme of things as it takes just a bit over two hours to change my clothes, get to class, get setup, teach, tear down, get back, change my clothes and get back to my desk. So I was a bit stressed as I watched the traffic start piling up on the 5 north from noon on.... I wondered how I would ever make it to the 5:30 intro class.

In the end, I left a few minutes early and got there with plenty of time. I was surprised to see about 4 people who were on their second practice of the day (having done Mysore in the morning). I seem to remember during some conversation with Tim he indicated that it isn't a good idea to practice twice in the same day... but maybe I misheard that or simply hallucinated hearing it :)

So Intro to Second was good... and surprising. We did a lot of research poses since it is an intro class. The research for Pasasana is a quad burner from hell. Squatting with your thighs parallel to the ground, one arm on the wall behind you, shoulder outside the knee. Once we actually did Pasasana I tried to lift my thighs a bit so that they were more parallel the way that Tiffany does it with her heels down. I could actually get there but it put too much pressure on the twisted side implant and it scared me a bit... so I chose to keep my heels up a bit and let the pressure subside. I have a feeling it might be a long time before, if ever, that pressure goes away. I really enjoy Krounchasana. It feels like my leg is perfectly straight but I always feel like my lower back is somewhat rounded. I've really been trying to feel straight but I never quite feel like I am. Shalabasana is a good pose but since we moved into the temporary space with the hard wood floors, it has become an exercise in dealing with the pain of my protruding hip bones pushing into the floor. I wonder that putting a blanket under me would help but I hate dealing with "props" during practice. We did a lot of research for Bhekasana. Since surgery this pose is really difficult for me. I can get my heels to the ground with no problem but I can't maintain the push on my heels and engage the front of my body in order to lift my chest. In fact, when I try this really really hard, I can feel the implant shift in it's pocket which is a pretty gnarly experience just for the record.

One of the things I really liked about class last night was the additional instruction that you don't necessarily get in Mysore. For example, in Dhanurasana, I've been concentrating on getting my ankles together with my feet flexed a bit. Last night Tim said "Toes pointed!" Maybe I need to read the asana books more :) After Dhanurasana came Ustrasana. Tiffany told me in Bikram's they tell you to push the tops of your feet into the ground as hard as you can so I've been trying to do that.... I don't have the nice pretty bend in my back though but this posture has always felt a little wierd to me.

Once done with Ustrasana and, therefore, my regular practice, came the real fun. Next up was Laghuvajarasana which is just as hard to say as it is to do. Tim instructed us to grab our ankles then keeping our arms straight put our head on the ground. Quite frankly, I don't see how this is humanly possible for me. To keep my arms straight, head on the ground, I'd basically have to lie essentially flat. Notice in that picture, his hands are on his calves, elbows bent, head on the ground... that I could get to though it felt better to have my hands closer to my knees (as done in his exit picture). I struggled almost the whole pose with how I could keep my arms straight on my ankles and my head on the ground. I cheated getting up -- I don't even remember what I did to cheat but I know I did. After that came Kapotasana which I was really afraid of. Funnily enough, this pose didn't hold the same level of discomfort and fear as Laghuvajarasana does. I did put my hands down before putting my head on the floor but once my head was on the floor, I could easily touch my toes keeping my elbows in. I couldn't get further than my toes but it's also only the 3rd or 4th time I've ever even tried this pose. So I hung out for the count, fingers and toes together and just experienced the pose. I know a lot of people talk about overwhelming emotion during it but I really liked it. To get up I put my hands down but I didn't understand the count Tim was doing and I tried to come up and bit the dust... to which I was rewarded with one of his "eh, exit incorect" looks/smiles.

Next we partnered up and did Supta Vajarasana which is a pose I actually like. I remember, a long time ago, doing this pose and being able to hold onto my feet but that isn't possible anymore. Bakasana was next... I was actually surprised that I held A as long as I did although Tim came over and said to Tiffany and I "Toes up! Up! What these are supposed to be your tails!" I ended up having to come down and he looked at me with a question so I pointed to the stitched side and he mouthed "ah." Bakasana B is something that will happen on a cold day in hell for me. I suppose this takes Bandha control but I still haven't mastered the jumping around stuff.... I can barely get my legs off the ground when I attempt to jump for like handstands or something. Fear?

I really enjoyed Bharadvajasana but I was surprised at my discomfort in Ardha Matsyendrasana. The bent leg hip had the same exact pain that I get in Mari C (which I don't get in Mari D). I always see teachers use this pose in place of Mari D so I was a bit surprised that it held so much pain for me. Next was the Eka Padas (one leg behind the head). Tim had us lay back and attempt to put our leg behind our head and if you could get it there and it was secure to roll up and do the forward bend. I could get my leg back there but it wouldn't stay there so I stayed laying back.

For finishing we only did 3 backbends in honor of the full moon which meant that, even through the second series backbends, I didn't get a chance to get into my backbends and when Tim tried to help me up with the one handed lift, I flailed and almost fell back... he had to catch me. I didn't rock appropriately and my back felt stiff. Finishing, however, felt great for the first time in a long time... until I got to headstand which is still one of the most challenging poses for me. I fell on my first attempt to get up which made Tim come and stand in front of me and then the assistant tried to adjust me and I had to come down and explain to her that she couldn't adjust me... that it's a tentative balance between pain pulling up my side and finding a center.

After class I spoke to the assistant who does bodywork about doing some bodywork to maybe help out the scar tissue. I haven't done any bodywork because I can't lay on my stomach (yet... will I ever?). Maybe I can hook that up and it will make a difference...

After class, Tiffany and I went out for sushi and wine. We had a great time and Tiffany is thinking of coming to Chicago with me. I'm staying at the W Chicago so she'll get a great hotel for free and time during the day to do whatever she wants. The firm that I'm going to meetings with is compromised of a bunch of single whipper snappers who have "entertainment" (i.e., bars, bands, alcohol and food) planned for me (I'm not real happy about it and have been figuring out how to get out of it only I don't think there is a real way to get out of it) so having Tiffany around will make the drudge of evening festivities a little funner.

Happy Moon Day! :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:26 PM | Comments (5)

January 12, 2006

Mindstorm

This afternoon at work I got to do the fun kind of work. The kind where you're in a a good groove, you know what you are doing and you're just solving the logic. It's quite fun, it's very mental and very much like yoga. I like productive work like that.

I am so very much looking forward to having a day off from yoga (and dreading being in L.A. all day tomorrow). I also know that I've been far too attached to the physical practice as I struggle with these backbends. I hope with this day off I can get my soul back together and forgot about these stupid backbends.... it only comes when you aren't wanting it.

When I got home tonight, The Son had finished his first Lego Mindstorms robot. Mind you the box says it is for 12+ but he's so amped about it. So with Mindstorms you build a robot, it talks via infrared to your computer and you can "program" the robot. It is a simplistic language really, a definitive set of commands (forward, back, wait, for loops) the processor is pretty simplistic but there are some cool things like light and touch sensors. Anyway we installed it and he did 6 of the training missions.... It's pretty wild actually... his mind is just like mine.... he's the next generation of pocket protector uber-geek.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:25 AM | Comments (1)

January 11, 2006

Johnny Hit and Run Julie

The Husband slept through the night last night; however, The Daughter woke up at sometime mid-sleep and climbed her way into our bed. For you non-parental units out there, this equates to pushing me as close to the edge as humanly possible to still be considered on the bed and then kicking me all night long. In the larger pictures, this means I got little sleep again last night. When the alarm went off at 6, I was in the midst of this amazingly vivid dream. I dreamt that I was on a business trip but had forgotten all of my clothes. I was madly trying to find clothes to wear but the stores were closed and FedEx wouldn't make it by the next day. I went to the wrong hotel first (a Howard Johnson) and then finally found my hotel (a W) where I found all kinds of hipster clothes in the closet in single digit sizes, mostly smaller than the age of my youngest child. I, with effort, attempted to get something to fit me and then decided I was going to find the yoga place since I did happen to have my yoga mat with me (hey, at least even in my dreams I know what's really important). I started out searching for the yoga place in what appeared to be a large market with lots of stalls and stores... the last one was called "Thai Chai" and was full of goodies and cool looking people but I knew I had to find the yoga place so I left and back tracked finally asking a lady if she knew where it was. She told me it was on the other side of town and that for a tourist fee she'd take me. Looking at the clock (which just so happened to be in the middle of the market area), I was already 10 minutes late and asked her how long it would take. She told me 5 minutes or a half hour.... I decided to give it a shot and I climbed into a small two-seater black convertible with her. As she began to drive, she headed for what appeared to be a lake and kept driving. I screamed and tensed up, she told me to relax and began laughing and then the car was "swimming" through the water. Under the water were all these men with red lungi type things on and long black dreadlocks. She told me to be careful, that they'd attempt to "get me" and I shouldn't let them. Suddenly the car flipped over much like a kayak might flip and when we were righted I told her it was probably pointless now as my mat was all wet and I couldn't practice anyway... she told me we had to finish what we started and I noticed another one of the underwater men coming to get me... and BOOM my alarm was sounding, I couldn't find it and then I thought "Darnit, I don't want to practice today." Guilt set in when I realized Tiffany was planning on my meeting her at 6:30 for our early morning practice so I climbed out of bed and headed to practice.

I found a spare heater in the prop room and set it up, it helped. We were finishing Prasaritas when Pranayama was done... Practice today was okay. My muscles seem tired. Too many backbends probably. I don't remember anything of note... Rich put me in Dwi Pada before Supta K today. I like it much much more. I was able to hold my legs behind my head myself while he helped me slowly slower instead of crash land. I lean too far back while getting into it though and I can't keep them there while coming up. Lately, my right arm is REALLY bothering me in Kurmasana... it hurts at the elbow while my arm is out straight. Then when coming up from Supta K, I feel the same tension in my elbow. This most likely has something to do with my hyperextension but I haven't yet figured it out. When I got to Baddha K, my right inner hip just felt all whacked out. Rich came to assist and I completely tensed up. As he was helping he said "Let your mind go." I think it worked for like a second before I was back to pure panic... complete and utter panic.

Backbends simply sucked today. I didn't want to do them and I felt no joy.... I felt dread at the idea of trying to stand up today. I'm WAY WAY too focused on it. I need to let it go and just let it be. I was so overwhelmed by it that I purposefully didn't have Tim help me with dropbacks today. I stood up after 6 backbends like everyone else does and waited for Rich to catch my eye. What's really funny is that I've, apparently, become totally dependent on Tim's method of dropbacks and I had a REALLY hard time with Rich's... so much so, I could barely come up on the last one.

Tomorrow I'm up in L.A. all day -- I leave at 6am and probably won't be home until after 9. This means no practice tomorrow and I have to say, I feel happy about that. I need a down day. I need a break... my muscles do, my head does and I need to let go just a little bit.

The person I have to go visit in Chicago told me today that he's got lots of entertainment lined up... House of Blues and something else. How can I effectively do the peer mixing thing and still make early morning practices? He also told me I don't have to be in the office until 10. I wonder if that means I could make the Mysore practice with CK one day instead of just Moksha Yoga.

I downloaded the new CD from She Wants Revenge last night... has anyone listened to that? Very reminiscent of Joy Division... I'm still determining if I like it.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:38 PM | Comments (1)

January 10, 2006

Going Solo -- Well Almost

The Husband pulled another sleep moment last night. I swear, between he and The Daughter, I haven't slept through the night in days... this is worse than having a newborn. Okay, not quite that bad but still. I had set the alarm for 6:30 figuring I could get up, practice in my room but I turned the alarm off in the middle of the night knowing sleep was more important... what little bit of it I could get.

I talked to The Son about the running away. A few times. I had a lightbulb moment when CIODude sent me an email suggesting that perhaps the drama is a result of The Son's own transition through this new work thing. I think I've been really, really focused on my own issues that I've forgotten my kids are probably having their own struggles. As independent as The Son is, I suppose having me at home was something he could rely on. The Daughter, she's pretty amazing and I doubt she's struggling with a new schedule like The Son probably is. It's an interesting thing to consider and perhaps something I should talk to The Son about this evening.

I had the brainwave this morning after I woke up, while lamenting my lack of practice on T/TH, that perhaps I could find a time when the health club doesn't have a class to practice... whether that meant an early or a late practice (lunch time wise). As it turns out, the last class on T/TH ends at 11:45 and it seemed like the perfect idea so I packed a bag and planned to do a solo practice during lunch. I got there at 11:40, as I was changing my clothes a girl that practices ashtanga there and occassionally with Tim ran into me and asked if she could join me. We started at a quarter to 12... we ended at 10 to 1. In an hour I fit in 3As, 3Bs, all of standing, seated to Supta Kurmasana then to Pasasana to Ustrasana, 6 backbends, 1 dropback and finishing. It was too fast so I need to work on how to get a good practice in in an hour but this might be a good way to mitigate the lack of Mysore on T/TH.

As for the practice itself... it started out amazing. I felt so strong and engaged during Sun Salutations and standing. I could feel my quads a lot more because they are still alive from backbends yesterday. During seated I got a little out of breath and it was sorta wierd to have the other girl there because she was following my lead and I felt a bit out of sorts with it (I'm not 100% sure why at this point). I attempted handstands against the wall between Navasana but I couldn't kick up with one leg, I needed the little momentum :( In Supta K I backed up against the wall and was able to get into Dwi Pada by myself using the wall against my lower back. I couldn't get bound though as my feet came apart somewhat when I was lowering myself. I can get the right hand back pretty far but I can't engage the pec and pull on the left side... someday, again it will come.

Backbends didn't feel as pretty as yesterday. I did a lot of rocking trying to figure out how to get that last 1/2 inch. I never felt like I could attempt to come up though. I could get my hands all the way to the bottom of my fingertips lifted, I could roll up on my toes but I couldn't do it... likely fear. So I thought perhaps if I used the momentum from a dropback that might help but it didn't... it seemed I landed without momentum! :)

The people at my new office really still want me to teach lunchtime yoga. The office has no space so I might contact the building and see if they have a free office somewhere we could use. It might be fun, who knows.

Friday night I've decided to try the Intro to Second Series class... I'm a bit nervous.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:55 PM | Comments (1)

January 9, 2006

Quad Burn

Well that's wierd.... I typed out this entire post after I got to work this morning and it's gone... I didn't even realize it was gone until right this second... I know I hit post... this is the second time that has happened off my little laptop... mhmm... if I felt like putting on the uber-geek hat I would but my uber-geek hat is nicely hung up in the office for the night. So let's see if I can put this post back together....

Sometimes The Husband has this little problem with sleep walking or just plain sleep waking. What usually happens is that I'm woken with a jolt, either an exclamation on his part, some sort of physical movement or otherwise a jarring expression of whatever insane situation he is literally dreaming himself into. Last night was one of those nights. The problem with this is that I have become the Waker of The Sleeping. Waking the sleeping is not an easy task and it usually involves some sort of argument "Yes, you are asleep." "I'm not sleeping." "Yes, honey, you are sleeping, the nightstand really isn't a box you are stuck in." By the time I get him awake or, rather, back to a normal and peaceful slumber, I'm wide awake. So it was with much chagrin that the alarm went off at 6am... and even a bigger bummer that the early practice room was freezing freakin' cold. Tiffany met me again this morning to start early. We started somewhere after quarter til I think... a bit too late actually. I did a couple extra sun salutations in an effort to get warm but I ended up choosing a spot on the opposite side of the room than normal, a mistake I shan't make again as there appears to be a cool draft which filters through that side of the room.

Practice itself was fine... no real special effects to speak of that I can remember. It was one of those practices where physically things were okay but I was just filled with dread for the practice. Not even dread, just a complete lack of motivation. I even wondered in my mind a couple times why I was even doing this. Part of this discipline is taking those days for what they are, then leaving them in the studio and moving on. Backbends sucked when I started them this morning... so I did a few extras while waiting for Tim to be free. I contemplated skipping dropbacks today but figured, with that attitude, I'd get nowhere. Tim pulled me up with the one handed adjustment today... but this time I did a bit more rocking and boom I was up. No drama or stalling.

I then realized that I must have lagged yet again in practice 'cause it was already 8:20 and I hadn't even started finishing. Finishing is simply not getting it's just reward these days and I have to figure out a way to work this out. So I skipped headstand again and another short savasana. The answer is 6:45 is not early enough. I'll work on that on Wednesday.

Work was a-okay. Things are going okay, being in the office is still very, very, very wierd but we all knew this was going to be a large transition and, perhaps, not the most pleasant one. I had a conversation with my boss today about the change. He asked me what my largest challenge was and, honestly, there isn't one. I mean, really, it's just about adjusting to the difference in the daily lifestyle. I told him that if there was any challenge it is the fact that my yoga practice has suffered and I have to mentally work it out. Really, it's all just about finding that balance point and that's a fine point to find. I have to go to Chicago for work in a couple weeks. Should be interesting. I emailed Nosleep and asked where to practice.... Unfortunately, it looks like her classes are too far away and too late. Moksha Yoga has an early Mysore practice that is close to the hotel I'll be staying at so I will have somewhere to practice. The real issue will be excusing myself from the after hours social events as I know these particular guys like to "do it up." The Husband tells me to just do it but, lets face it, those after hour social events are not always excusable. "Excuse me, I can't attend tonight's social bash because, well, you see, I don't drink except on Fridays and Moondays, I dont' eat crappy food and I get up at the crack of dawn (or before) to go bend my body in all these funky ways."

This afternoon I called to check in on The Family and The Husband told me it had been a rough afternoon.... The Son decided to run away today. Yes, you read that right, my son ran away. After the momentary freak out as I sat at my desk, I inquired as to what really happened. Apparently, The Son didn't like the spelling test discussion he and The Husband were having and announced that he was running away. Where he even got the idea of running away is a question I have (but have not yet inquired after). Apparently, The Husband thought The Son was just sitting on the bench outside cooling off but in actuality he had started walking down the street. Fortunately, I do live in suburbia land and everyone knows everyone else and a neighbor thought it was a bit odd that he was walking off of our street and phoned. The Nanny then noticed him and stopped to wait for The Husband to get there. I guess they talked about it... but it was really hard to be faced with knowing I was in the office for such an event. This would never have happened before because I would have been there to mitigate whatever argument they were having or vice versa. Truly it is terrifying. I saw Tiffany later this afternoon (we went shopping at the great yoga clothes store... I didn't find anything but she got these really cute pants) and she commented on how calm I was about it --- not really, it's that pit of fear in your soul when you are faced with a parenting issue and you know there's nothing you can do but give your parental opinion and hope it settles somewhere in your child's heart. Another instance of having to let go....

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:34 PM | Comments (1)

January 8, 2006

Old Chick on the Block

On the way to practice this morning I blared Linkin Park (thanks to Cameron I know who Linkin Park is and I dig them. Good fast loud music always gets me in the mood to practice and I was looking forward to the heat in the room given that second series went first... and boy was it hot. I setup in the front of the room... I like to have my breathing room, quite frankly. Tiffany was next to me and the room was quite crowded. Practice was going fine... pretty even and meditative... as we began Garbha Pindasana Tim said "Ready for some comic relief?" Garbha Pindasana is not hard for me and I can get my left hand on my chin no problem... the right hand is not as pretty but can touch the chin. I can't roll with my hands on my forehead as it pulls too much through the pec muscle but rolling is no problem and I love kukkutasana... it's one of my favorite first series poses. I have no problem keeping my knees at elbow height, rolling up into it, holding it. I don't "feel" it anywhere... it doesn't even appear to require bandhas? So I did my rolls, rolled up in kukkutasana, was just about to come down when I heard Tiffany exclaim "I got it! I got it!" in an apparent attempt to let the assistant today know she didn't need his help... so it was out of the corner of my eye that I saw her roll up and I thought "she's WAY over her knees" and then SPLAT... she literally landed on her head. I think I'm the one that gasped... it looked and sounded like it hurt like hell. Pretty much everyone started laughing but Tiffany was a good sport about it and Tim didn't appear to catch it at all. It was hard to maintain composure for awhile. I twisted my ankle or something in Setu Bandhasana today and the first few backbends felt horrid. When we were on the last one, I knew Tim was on the other side of the room, Jason was helping Tiffany grab her ankles so I asked OKRGR to come help me... he told me that he wasn't really helping and that I have 1/2 inch more to get over my knees. Who knew a 1/2 inch could be so freakin' hard!!!! In other blog worthy news, I actually held my headstand to the count of 25 today. Forget ardha sirsasana for me (too much pull through my chest) but I was quite happy to get to 25, first time since July. I also was able to life in utlputhi for I think it was 5-7 breaths. I was in a lot of pain but trying to push through it. I came down, held myself together and then pushed up again for a couple breaths. I'm pretty impressed that I can lift at all, it does still hurt but, at some point, the pects have to get built up again.

I had a bit of a blurb here about blogging, commenting, censorship, sandboxes, pettiness, cattiness and having an open heart. In the end, as my blog passes into it's 5th year... one of the early lessons I learned, one of the earliest committments I ever made was that I would only ever post and hear what people responded to me with an open heart... for it is only with an open heart that we can grow. If we throw away the voice of someone who doesn't like us, doesn't agree with us or doesn't say what we want to hear, we miss the most valuable voice of all... I hope I can maintain that through this next year. I hope I can continue to allow this blog to be a place to explore and document... it's wild to be able to go back and read about things and feelings you have forgotten... in fact, it's downright awesome.

Tomorrow is back to work. This whole weekend thing is out of control. There's just too much to do and too little time to do it. Who decided on a 5 day work week anyway? By the way, I've pleasantly maintained my aversion to eating meat. I have been eating some shrimp, in avocado sushi rolls from Jimbos. I feel so great. I really need, however, to get back to inventive vegetarian cooking. I seem to be drawing a blank at meal planning.

Tomorrow, Mysore.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:32 PM | Comments (10)

I'll Have The Om Happy Meal, Please

Yesterday after rushing to work, I managed to get a few pieces of code under my belt then did a long lunch to teach Kids Yoga. I have to admit that I was somewhat nervous. I mean, let's be frank, 15 5 year olds in a room and you are the only adult... well who wouldn't be just a bit freaked out at the thought. I have to say, however, those kids blew me away. First, more than half of them knew what yoga asana was and many of them madly raised their hands in wild exclamations of their experience when I asked if any of them had "done yoga" before. The class was fun... and easy... the kids were barking in downward dog, swaying like trees in the wind. Not a single one of them had an issue touching their little butterfly cacoon heads to their feet (or flapping their butterfly wings in the air after they burst forth). Most of the children gave 100% of their effort not only to asana but also trying to get my attention to tell me all kinds of interesting tidbits of the lives of 5 year olds... everything from why their little brother got a yellow basket ball to the fact that they've done a backbend before because they practice gymnastics (I did not, lest you think I'm insane, have them do backbends but my darling little yogini and one other child burst forth backbends when I said "bridge" instead of the bridge I was doing). During the class I told them that they would have some homework from yoga class.... that they were each going to get the book My Daddy Is A Pretzel and they could take it home and read it with their parents. I told them to be thinking as they read it of whether there are any poses they can teach us... or make one up and teach us... they were so excited about this and one little girl came up after class, very seriously and said "Where's our homework at?"

I got to thinking later about how many of the kids knew the word yoga. I certainly didn't when I was 5, hell not even when I was 15 or probably even 25. I sort of felt this horrendous let down and stab of ego about the commercialism of yoga. But lets face it... I like my Satya Ganesh necklace as much as the next guy so I'm not claiming to be above this commercialism myself. I got to thinking about this and I realized how wonderful the commercialism of yoga can be. I mean, these little 5 year olds... they will "know" yoga from such a tender age... they'll grow up with this knowledge of the word or the idea of it... and quite frankly, I feel good about that. It can only be a good thing that the next generation of human inhabitants of this country know yoga. In many ways, it should be our biggest hope.

Friday night turned into a lengthy and not so fun affair. The details are quite boring but all the "being a parent" mumbo jumbo just jumbo'd on up and before I knew it, I just wanted to hit the hay. I hemmed and hawed over practice today but I didn't go. Instead I went "shopping" with my niece. Really, we went to lunch at Swamis and wasted so much time looking into stores, I never actually found to purchase the work attire I was looking for.

I spent the evening looking at Where's Waldo books with The Son... have you ever looked at those books? They are GREAT. I found Waldo once... but I found the Girl Waldo a couple times. What's best about those books is that they include double meaning images... for example, they had a banana doing the splits... I said "Hey, banana split." It took my 8 year old a minute and he said "HEY, I get that!" It's great when you see a lightbulb moment... after that he found a few of those himself.

Tonight while we were in the jacuzzi, The Husband asked some questions about how I practice (after I explained why I didn't go to class this morning -- my realization that I'm a Mysore Snob). He didn't realize, I guess, that the practice is given out pose by pose or that everyone is doing their own thing. I think I've mentioned this a bazillion times but he asked a lot of questions like "So if I just showed up and started doing 3rd series what would he do?" It was interesting to contemplate all his questions because you really realize how much of your own perceptions you cast on this practice. It's interesting indeed.

Tomorrow, first series.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:23 AM | Comments (4)

January 6, 2006

Stuck Halfway

This whole work thing is messing with my spirit. I can no longer practice at the studio on T/TH and I haven't yet gotten to a point of feeling comfortable going to The Other Studio. First, Tim is my teacher. Second, I'd wind up basically having to pay monthly at both studios which would be way too expensive to justify. I've tried the home thing twice now and both times flailed around awhile and didn't do a practice. Even the local club which has Mysore at 5:45 on Wednesdays and a regular led class on M/F at 5:45 doesn't have Ashtanga on T/TH. It seems like T/TH is the "off day" for Ashtanga here in San Diego County. This going home and not having work at home is also wierd. I almost feel like I don't know what to do with myself and, quite honestly, the largest part of me just wants to go to bed. Sad but true. I have no drive to really do anything. Perhaps it will come with time but I'm so tired by the time I get home....

I was debating yesterday whether I should do a regular practice this morning or hit the Intro To Second Series class tonight. The problem with that class is that it is from 5:30 to 7 something and that means I wouldn't be able to go home to see the kids before and they would be in bed by the time I got home... hard to justify that given that I'm not home all day now. Since I went out with The Best Friend (waves hello) on Wednesday, I decided that I couldn't justify not seeing the kids on Friday night too so I plugged myself in for Mysore this morning. The Husband had to get up at the same time for an early morning meeting which meant I had to pay The Nanny to come and do the morning routine with the kids. The Husband wasn't sure he liked that idea but, as it is, I can only do Mysore M/W/F now and I'm just not willing to give it up. I got up, packed up my stuff (it's a huge load to pack up now before practice --- I've got the briefcase with the laptop and whatnot, the gym bag with my stuff for showering after, my clothes on a hanger and because today is Friday and the first day of Yoga for Kids I also had 15 kid yoga mats, 20 copies of My Daddy Is A Pretzel and a bag with clothes to change into for teaching).... as I was leaving The Husband says "I don't know how you do this every morning." He was referring to getting up early and getting out of the house for yoga. It was interesting that he said this because I am simply not a morning person. The Best Friend referenced this the other day during our conversations... I hate mornings. It used to be that getting up before 7 was an absolute unheard of idea... now sleeping til 7 is like sleeping in. So it was interesting that The Husband would notice or comment on the fact that my discipline to practice has evolved to the point that it is no longer a question of whether I will get up and more a question of whether there is somewhere for me to go to when I get up.

I got to practice at about 20 to 7. Tiffany was already there and she and I started in the little room about quarter til getting in all of Sun Salutations and up to Prasaritas before the doors opened for practice. It's interesting being at a completely different point in the practice than everyone else in the room because I notice that I tend to get adjustments that I've never had before. This seems to be a reflection of the fact that everyone else is doing Sun Salutations and I'm already into standing poses. Practice today was just okay. I knew I wasn't feeling 100% from the get go... not rundown or anything, just a bit off. I considered attempting handstands today between Navasana but I knew I couldn't get up without a little air (meaning not starting with hands on the floor) and I didn't think that would fly so I didn't try it. The new temporary space (which I love) has a hardwood floor and man does that sucker hurt on your back in certain poses, most particularly, rolling in Garbha Pindasana and Setu Bandhasana (in fact, I can't really even hold Setu Bandhasana for a full 5 breaths on that floor as it makes my head feel like it is going to explode). Tiffany and I had a great adjustment in Supta Padagusthasana today.... We were basically practicing in synch and Rich came over to adjust one of us whlie we were in B... instead, I held down Tiffany's foot, Rich put his foot into her straight legged hip and then leaned over and put his hands on my hip.... sorta like a modified downward dog between us... he had one leg on the floor but let me tell you, that was some adjustment... we both actually made a verbal exclamation when he got all the way "into" it. On the other side, Tiffany held down my foot and Rich did the same adjustment... for a moment, when we were bearing all his weight, I was convinced my hip would break off :) It was quite a good way to mix things up though.

I attempted do Pasasana today without a mat under my heels. The first side I bound and twisted without problem (this was the side I couldn't bind in Wednesday).... the second side I could only get my fingertips... Tim came to help and I mentioned that I can no longer figure out how to do this pose without the forward thrust of something under the heels... the reason is that the implants don't flatten so when I'm twisted there's the depth of the implant between my knee and how far I can twist... I used to be able to lift and move the breasts over... now they are so stagnant... perhaps with time this will come but it is totally frustrating.

Backbends today sucked. They just didn't feel so good. I watched as Tiffany effortlessly grabbed both heels (which reminded me if Kathy's cartoon :) I hemmed and hawed and ended up doing about 7 backbends... the last one finally feeling somewhat okay. I looked around for Tim but he was busy so I did one more... he finally came over and told me "I had that look" and I said that I was waiting... he said "Well you could have just kept doing them." If he knew how much agony I was in with the 8 I had done he would have realized the look on my face was a tortuous one. So he helped me up, we did dropbacks and then he did the one handed adjustment..... and I got a bit off the floor and almost lost it... it was a moment of pure stagnation... I had to get myself up as he didn't put his hand behind me like he did the last two times he did that adjustment... there was a moment where I was totally not there...where I couldn't feel my body and the force of gravity was non-existent..hung out in limbo an then I thought "SHIT I have to get up or I'm going down!" I let out a loud exhale with sound which OKRGR would have been proud of and managed to get up. I think I didn't rock enough... or else my confidence got way ahead of my physical abilities.

As I was beginning finishing I looked at the clock and couldn't figure out how it was 8:20. I had started early but I must have lagged during the practice and it suddenly hit me that I had a conference call that started at 9am. I jammed through finishing, skipped headstand, took a short savasana and jumped up to get to work. As I drove down the coast highway there was a huge traffic jam..... I knew I was going to be late... but I had just finished practice and my attitude was "Well, what can I do." Yoga is great for making one just not care which is sometimes good and sometimes bad. In the end, I got an email (thank everything under God for Treos) pushing the conference call back to 11am and then a voice mail indicating that The Daughter was freaking out that I hadn't left her yoga mat at home.

Today is the first day of Yoga for Kids at The Daughter's preschool and The Daughter is about to jump through the roof in excitement. We unwrapped all the little kid mats last night, put her mat in one of my old bag holders (do they make kids mat bags?) and she decided she was going to take her own mat to school today. In order to relieve the dire situation, I had to meet The Nanny and The Daughter outside my office with said mat bag before I could shower and get in to the office.... the trials and tribulations of being a mother!

My plan of attack for today is to read My Daddy is A Pretzel, practice Sun Salutations and a few other poses and then talk about how we practice yoga both on the mat and off the mat. Each class I'm going to talk about one aspect of yoga that we can all practice and today I think I'm going to bring up the idea of ahimsa... in 5 year old speak which means talking about how we need to respect and be kind to our friends, on the playground, at home... even when they make us mad. Then I'm going to explain Namaste in 5 year old speak and that should be it. I'm pretty excited actually!

Edited to Add: Hey today appears to be my blog's birthday --- Blogging for FOUR YEARS now... pretty wild.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:34 PM | Comments (10)

January 4, 2006

It's Coming

Yesterday I got up at 6:30 with the intent of practicing at home and then going into the office. I put on some clothes, turned on the heater (we built my office as a yoga room too so I have a great heater in there), lit a candle on the altar, said the invocation and bent over to Uttanasana when it hit me. My hamstrings, they were in rebellion.. all those backbends, oh sure, they felt good in the moment, but 12 hours later my body as saying "uh huh, no way, don't even think about it." I did 4As, 4Bs, tried to do some of standing, skipped some, tried some more and then when I got to Prasaritas and I basically had to go into half Somakonasana to get my head to the ground, I gave up. I sat on my mat and read Rumi and tried to tell myself that at least I got on the mat and that reading Rumi and digesting Rumi was a pretty good start to the day anyway.

For the rest of the day, whenever I had to get up from my desk, I thought my thighs would break in half.

This morning I got up with the intent to start my practice in the other room while Pranayama was still going on. I figured if I started by 6:30, I'd probably be somewhere in standing by the time 7am rolled around only, somehow, I got up really early and ended up getting to the studio around 6:15 and I was to Janu Shirasana by the time 7am rolled around. It was sorta wierd to be doing seated while everyone else was just starting. Practice itself was okay.. not great and not bad. Rich helped me get into Dwi Pada before Supta K but I was leaning too far back and so after he got my legs crossed I almost rolled back into him! Once he righted me and I put my head on the ground, I got my hands bound by myself... first time on the west coast since surgery. He, of course, helped me get them more bound and I hung out in Supta K for an extra few breaths.

For some reason I could NOT bind in Pasasana on the first side today. Not even with the mat under my heels. That is the first time ever that I couldn't bind. I tried a bunch of times and it just didn't happen. I rarely get help in Pasasana and Tim and RIch were on the other end of the room so I eventually just gave up. Strangely enough, the second side was perfectly normal. I had a great time in Bhekasana today. Bhekasana on the right side is feeling back to somewhat normal but I can't engage my pec enough to push my left foot down and lift at the same time... too much push and pull so I can't get a good rendition of the pose out without help. Lately, even with help, it's been somewhat strained but today my back felt great and I ended up with my forehead on Tim's.

Then came backbends. I now have a mental component to this. Now that I know I can do it off a cheese wedge, I'm itching to do it off my practice mat. On my 6th backbend Tim came over and asked if I was ready... he then asked if I did "extras" today because apparently the look on my face was one that lent itself over to, I suppose, agony. After he helped me up I explained that I had spent an hour standing up off the cheese wedge. He asked me how far off the ground my hands were and I explained how I had started at the top and moved to the end... so on the last drop back when he put his hand on my chest I didn't freak out, in fact, I knew I could do it and I did. Tim's response "It's coming."

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:05 PM | Comments (3)

January 2, 2006

Close Enough to Taste It

Practice this morning was so-so... I had two glasses of wine last night and a tamale that I think had chicken in it. My body felt heavy and my hamstrings felt very unhappy. The studio was cold at first but after awhile things heated up... not the sauna of yesterday but warm enough. Nothing unusual to pinpoint about my practice... status quo minus some of the umph of Sunday. Too crowded for me to attempt to jump through plus, practicing next to JMS who is stealth, it's a bit intimidating to thud down every other side ;) When I got to backbends today, Tim and I did our usual 6th backbend, up, then dropbacks. I'm not sure how we got into this mode but it works for me, I like the extra attempt at standing up. When I came up on that 6th one he said "eh, I barely helped" -- which meant that on my last dropback he did the infamous chest/hand lift and, of course, I flailed. This did nothing than piss me off and I said 'Man, I just don't get that one.'

A short time later he was doing dropbacks with the girl next to me as I was coming out of child's pose. I caught her coming up from that same adjustment, Tim looked at me and said "See!" Seeing is one thing... :)

After practice a few of us went out for brunch... very nice especially since I've been feeling like those days are done and gone for me now that I work....

I then came home and took a nap... ran errands with The Daughter in the pouring down rain, saw 3 accidents and then decided to come home and not leave again.

Then The Husband announced that he was taking the kids shopping at Trader Joe's and I opted to stay home and clean out my office so I could practice in there tomorrow if it is still raining and I don't want to drive to The Other Studio. As I was going about my business, I kept seeing the cheese wedge we got The Daughter out of the corner of my eye... she was doing gymnastics in the living room earlier today apparently as all her apparatus was out ... balance beam, toy bar, mat and cheese wedge. It was calling my name so I decided I would just "try" to see if I could come up using it. We didn't get the big cheese wedge, it only has a small incline... but sure enough, second try with my hands at the top of the wedge and my feet at the bottom and boom I was up... head last. Funnily enough, I wasn't surprised.

I tried a few more successful times... moved down... was able to do it on a smaller incline... then took my feet off the mat, flat on the ground and nothing...just nice padded falls on my ass and back. I was rocking to get up on all those successful stands so, getting tired, I decided to go back to the top and try it not rocking... and, wouldn't you know, first time, success. I tried it lower, success.... and then I decided to back off 'cause you know I ate a couple hours ago and I was sweating from the effort....

but it is still calling my name out there... and the family is still gone.... and why can't I do it from the ground?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:48 PM | Comments (5)

January 1, 2006

Littlest of Victories

Last night I did without a glass of wine or any other of my favorite relaxation devices or New Year's Eve party commodities. I knew I was on the verge of being sicker or being better and so I chose to stay in bed most of the day, surfing the net with my new wireless home network (now that I don't work from home, I have no restrictions on the types of network protocals I can use and therefore I was able to hookup a wireless router yesterday), reading Shantaram or watching Project Runway. I got up only to eat dinner with the family, talk about New Year's Resolutions and that's, frankly, about it. We watched The 40 Year Old Virgin at 9 and went to bed at 11. The Daughter got up super early, excited about the party this afternoon we are going to and went I woke fully I realized I must have slept wrong for my neck was in dire pain and I couldn't turn it more than a couple inches to the right.

I was excited to practice today... it seemed like the first practice of a much better year for me. If I go through the list of what 2005 brought to me, I have to say, it is outshone by the struggles -- my preventative bilateral mastectomies and The Husband's ACL replacement. Sure there were highlights but really 2005 will be remembered as the year of the largest struggle of our lives. I'm surprised our marriage made it through it quite frankly... and there were many times when I doubted that it would and just as many times when, frankly, I didn't give a shit if it would. And just because today is magically the first day of 2006 doesn't mean that the struggles are any less... just that it seems like the perfect time to flip a switch and make a decision that you can only look at the half full glass from now on.

Practice today was at the new temporary space. I liked it. I'm sure it will be colder when the second series group hasn't warmed up the room first but I liked that it had multiple rooms (thinking, mhmm... I could start at 6:30 in the outer room while Pranayama is going on, move into the main room after -- or they could do Pranayama in the smaller room even). It was a funky space that seems much more like the Studio than where the new space is actually going to be. I forgot when I first put my mat down that Sunday First Series doesn't do traditional mat layout and so I ended up in the very front row next to Tim's mat. This was fine except that there was a bit speaker right in front of me and I, at various times, thought I was going to nail it. My physical practice was pretty good. Today was the first time in a long time I felt like I was in my own skin. No, no miraculous ability to do the things that have been a struggle for me since surgery but I felt some semblance of normalcy and desire. Mari C felt great today, first time in a long time even though my neck was hurting so badly. Baddha K was a piece of cake without help... no pain, no drama, no fear. Backbends felt really good.... I couldn't get a balance in headstand as it was pulling through my sides... I can't hold a headstand very long at all these days... but victory was sweet during Utlpluthi... I actually managed to get my lotus off the ground, not just a milimeter but regular for 3 of Tim's count. I was astounded. I got up again momentarily... but felt this amazing rush that I was able to get up and hold it... that's the first time since July 11 that I've been able to do that. It was like a torch of hope that my pect muscles might actually work again.

During Savasana Tim read a passage from a new Rumi book he received for Christmas. In the reading it discussed how pain leads us to the light at the end of the tunnel (my wrap up not the actual words used)...

When Savasana was over I looked at Tim and said "Did you see that? That was the first time since July that I was able to lift my lotus! Alert the media (inside joke at the studio about media)" He said "Yes, but some pain?" Yes, there was pain... but with the pain came the light that perhaps things really will be normal again some day... with the pain there is a tad of light that can be seen and felt and woven through the soul.

Happy New Year to all my fellow ashtangis and other blog readers who give me the pleasure of sharing myself. That pleasure has found a way to glimpse that light that shines within through each and every one of you, whether I know you or not, know you are reading or not...

I even, surprisingly, feel some peace that I have to "go to work" on Tuesday.... of course, that could simply be post-practice high... ;)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:37 PM | Comments (1)