« November 2005 | Main | January 2006 »
December 30, 2005
Beautiful
It's all in the eyes...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:32 PM | Comments (1)
Empty Parking Lot
So this morning I got up at 6:15 but laid around in bed for awhile. I've been feeling as if I'm fighting off being sick... taking lots of Airborne and downing the GSE reapeatedly throughout the day. I debated practice and, in the end, threw on clothes and drove 80mph to get to the studio... so it was with some surprise that I drove up to an empty parking lot. My first thought was "Mhmm... did the studio move today instead of Sunday?" No, I was sure that C had told me in an email yesterday Sunday. My second thought was "Mhmm I know we already had a full and a new moon this month." My third thought was that I was completely losing it. Fortunately, my Treo is web enabled (what did we do before technology) and I looked up the moon days on my phone... sure enough there are TWO full moons in December... who knew? So my yoga this morning involved acceptance and a futile drive 1/2 hour north and then 1/2 hour south again.
On the way back I debated just going to work, showering and getting to the office really early. In the end, I decided I couldn't face a cold shower after not heating up at all so I went home, crawled back in bed and laid there for awhile. I had a harder time getting back out of bed than I did the first time and I ended up not getting to work until after 8. Apparently there was a power outage in L.A. sometime overnight and all my servers are down. Oh well... time to blog.
Last night The Husband and I got to go out on a date night... he's been dying to go to the Auto Show and asked that we do so for his birthday gift. I wasn't feeling 100% but we went anyway and stopped on the way down to get a burrito at Valentines. Valentines is the only Mexican hole I know that makes vegetarian rolled tacos. I remember when I was pregnant with The Son I used to eat them ALL the time because I worked downtown. Potato Rolled Tacos. So I was really excited last night to order them... they were just as good as I remember. YUM!
Since I mentioned it, I haven't been eating meat except some fish and shrimp (in sushi). I feel A LOT better about myself.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:57 AM | Comments (1)
December 28, 2005
Speedy
I got in a huge fight with The Husband last night.... I slept on the floor in my office. I was just pissed and, frankly, I still am to some degree. It's not worth really going into but, it's enough to say, that I just wanted to be alone and so I was. I woke up a few times in the night because, well, even with a thin futon, sleeping on the floor isn't so comfortable. I also woke up before the alarm and had the small thought of bailing on practice... afterall, I could use the ladie's holiday card. My throat is feeling a tad scratchy, whether that's from being run down, having low thyroid function or a tinge of what is to come, I don't know but, in the end, I decided sweat was what I needed. As Tiffany already mentioned, there were lots of drop ins today and it was nice to see JMS and Tara back from Mysore. All the people made the room nice and sweaty. I ate some fish last night so I was interested to see how practice was. I've felt a lot better not eating meat and I was happy to note that I didn't feel heavy or tight this morning. I don't know if the not eating meat part has anything to do with it or whether it is due to the new scheduling but the 7am practices seem a bit easier now.
Practice itself was good. I felt like I was going really fast but still breathing correctly. I was aiming to repeat Friday's practice and be in the office in a timely manner... I have no real interesting practice notes to make. My practice was good and regular and happy and sweaty. I'm battling myself mentally over chatarungas. I'm just sad about it now. I have this idea I'll never be able to do it again. I wonder how I could practice in March with Guruji when I can't do a single one. Backbends felt good. Tim told me I was light coming up but I still can't put together in my head how to stand up. Trying to go with the "time theory" rather than let myself get frustrated.
I was in the office by 9:01 this morning.
I had a lovely conversation this morning with an old friend... he gave me a lovely pep talk about my decision to work in an office and my prior obsession with yoga and how it infiltrated my life. Boy I hope he's right.
and now work calls.... work...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:27 PM | Comments (3)
December 26, 2005
Some Good, Some Bad
I set the alarm clock last night for 6am though I knew it was a futile effort. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this morning my moon would be here. I did wake up, much earlier when The Daughter crawled in bed, and again at 6:15 and just hung my head. Whereas, before, missing a day "legally" wasn't such a bad thing, in fact, sometimes quite welcome, but, now, it sucks to have had that legality on what is a holiday from work. I can take all the "easy to make" practices I can get at this point. Gone are the days when the only battle to be waged was in my heart... the discipline was mine to be had. Now I have to worry about meetings and hours and all that crap. What the hell was I thinking?
Don't get me wrong, I hope that this speed bump of becoming aquainted with this new way of life is ridiculously short... I mean, I know it has to be there, I'd be silly to think that it weren't going to exist at all. I forgot until today that I have to go to L.A. tomorrow for the whole day. Even if I could practice on my second day, I can't (damn that job thing). My train leaves at 6:45am and I forgot to make a reservation but I'm sorta excited to get those two hours to myself to read or something. I'm not entrenched enough yet that I actually have anything I can or need to work on on the train so I'm going to take this opportunity to read some of Shantaram... so far I really like it. I saw it on someone's blog and so I picked it up. :) More people should talk about what they read... I love to read.
I spent the entire afternoon putting together a trampoline. Let me just say that when one cannot engage their pecs, putting together a trampoline SUCKS BRICKS. The entire time I'm putting it together my kids were totally being out of control. They weren't listening, they kept jumping on the thing, I kept yelling, they kept doing it. It was one of those afternoons where you simply have to have a glass of wine at 5pm. I was just losing my mind and my temper by 5pm but I finally got that darned thing up and functioning with a safety net and had the entire neighborhood over to try it out. The kids were so excited and they told all their friends. I made each parent come and watch because, well, I hate to say it but ya gotta be worried about shit like that. In the end, the kids just fought over it and I got so pissed off I had to excuse myself.
God, will I even make it to Wednesday.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:34 PM | Comments (1)
December 25, 2005
Spoiled Rotten Daughter
We decided on the spur of the moment last night to drive to my parent's house and spend Christmas Eve there. For the most part, I feel like the traditional and typical black sheep of the family. I'm just wholly different than they are. I hold no judgment, for the most part ;>, about their lifestyles, they are what they are but I never feel fully accepted for the way I am. It's not horrible but it's just something that is there if you know what I mean. Anyway, The Husband's family is much larger than mine, he's one of 5, but his other siblings, well, they don't do Christmas as a holiday as a family. They each have their own thing that they do every year and The Husband and I always host his Dad and youngest brother (unmarried). We made it a promise when we had The Son that we'd always have Christmas Day here even though we don't "do" Christmas. It was a way for us to put a stake in the ground and say "We're not driving all over San Diego County just because we have two families, we'll have it and who wants to come, comes." So far, that's worked and we decided to put "Santa" on Christmas day just to make the day really special for the kids but we do all of our family gifts and nuclear celebration on The Solstice. This year, my Sister has just moved into the area (2 exits on the freeway actually and I have to admit that's been really nice for us, feeling we have somewhere safe to leave our kids and an Aunt who welcomes them) and this was the first Christmas where my mom basically, without so much as directly saying it in that way Mom's do, made it clear that she was having Christmas at her house this year. There never really was a choice of putting a stake in the sand so we found a way to be accommodating and decided we'd do Christmas Eve for the kids here (can't change midstream and suddenly tell them Santa can come on the Solstice), drive an hour to my mom's, do Christmas there and brunch, drive back, do dinner for The Husband's family. So, yesterday, as we got to talking I told The Husband some "pent up" emotions about the fact that the rest of his siblings never do anything on Christmas and I sorta feel like it is "left to us." The truth is, I don't really feel that way, I feel a lot of love on Christmas but I was feeling a bit trapped and rushed and like the whole magic of the season was going to be spent on the freeway. I guess I wanted everyone to do what I needed this Christmas holiday so we decided to go up on Christmas Eve and spend the night. My sister and her family were already up there and we were unexpected so sleeping quarters were tight, my mom was totally sick and I totally screwed up her menu.
What I have to admit is that as much a black sheep as I feel, I really enjoyed doing a whole Christmas morning thing with my family. The fact of the matter is that The Husband's family just doesn't really do Christmas the way my family did... and, whether it is materialistic or mainstream or just plain blind consumerism, every once in a while it's wonderful to bask in the sunlight of what is utter comfort food for the heart. No matter how one's childhood, it's our second skin so to speak, the path we've traveled and the one, in some ways, we feel we've seen some truth in. Christmas is a big deal for my family... The tree, to this day, with the only two children in the family being my own, is filled to the brim with presents. My sister always tries to figure out what hers are, my dad will try to bargain (or, likely, try to demand as if he's the patriarch of the family, ha, the women know better) for two presents on Christmas Eve instead of one, the morning will start with everyone trying to be nice and watch each individual open their gifts but soon it proceeds into a semi-controlled everyone all at one time.
So this year was really interesting for me because I found two things that really were true.
I really liked the excitement and the feeling of specialness that came from my family's way of doing Christmas. When I spend Christmas with The Husband's family, it feels forced and like everyone simply feels like they have to be doing this. Perhaps that's what makes it so... that they aren't my family and that old familiar skin that feels good and safe. It felt really good to be doing it.
And, second, that I felt a bit odd at first... we were each given multiple thought out gifts from each individual. We never do this. We give each person one gift that we truly put our hearts into. Sometimes I feel bad about this, like somehow, I care less but this Christmas was the first time I realized that each gift they give is attached, in some way, to piece of their heart and it's all okay... that's their way and this is mine. I finally felt comfort in that.
One of the most important things I noted was that my sister said, after all the presents were opened, that her favorite gift this year was having the whole family together. It was at that moment that I realized how okay it all was. We all feel just perfect and it all joins together somehow.
Now after all the psycho-babble in my head, let this stumbling person attempting to figure out the practice of ashtanga yoga (cause let's face it, we all try to figure it out in our own ways), say, that my Dad rocks this year. After all the presents were opened and we sat in thought my dad handed my sister and I matching boxes. We opened them together and we both got a black engraved iPod Video 30GB. The engraving said my name followed by "With love from Dad." It was really special and I'm totally stoked. This thing rocks. I have an episode of Lost on my Itunes and I put it on there.. the screen looks so awesome.
The really cool thing is that my old iPod has been dying a slow and painful death. To listen to music I have to soft reboot the thing about 4 times and finally it might come on. Working in the office, I'm spending a LOT more time with the earphones on listening to music so I'm so happy to have a new one... plus the thing is so dang light! It's half the weight of my old one. I find my applicances getting smaller and smaller and smaller... in fact, this post is the first one I've written from a regular sized keyboard in over two weeks now.
I can't believe I have to go back to "work" on Tuesday and that that is a blip on my radar screen... the fact that I had to work in two days would never have occurred to me before this job change, it was a non issue, no impact on the way life and days were driven. Work was secondary.... now work is primary.... I'm not sure that's a good thing.
Off to read the new Tricycle and a hopeful attempt at a 6am alarm tomorrow. By the way, the making dinner for The Husband's family didn't change... we decided to keep it really low key though and I made a lentil soup which rocked, with tamales and a green salad. The nice thing about The Husband's family is that I can make anything for dinner. They'll sample any style of food, any spiciness... sky's the limit really. I'm ready to just let it all go now... done... when's 2006 coming?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:54 PM
December 23, 2005
Stellar
Today was my first shot at going to practice and then to the office. Having found out there is a shower in the building made me feel a bit better about not showing up looking like hell's fury wasn't unleashed over me :) I've been trying to get to bed earlier so getting up isn't a chore. I packed myself all up last night and was ready to go this morning. I even got to the studio a bit earlier, saw Kiran, whom I haven't seen in a month, in the parking lot (you look stunning, by the way, is that all spinning? Maybe I need to spin.). Practice rocked today. I don't know why but the room seemed way warmer than usual. My hamstrings, still screaming about the 108 Sun Salutations, had surprisingly ample give even if it was a screaming give. I seemed to have some strength, very little balance and a lot of focus. I was really happy to be at the studio with my familiar vibe and drive to get my practice in. I decided I needed to fly through my practice in order that I could get "in" by 9:30. 9:30 is late and that means I have to stay late. If only the studio were open a bit earlier.
I was on my mat and starting the minute Pranayama was done. I thought I was flying through the practice but Kiran and the authorized teacher next to her were at the same pace. They were doing first series (Friday practice) but since it has been so long since I did my whole practice, I really wanted to do the whole thing and since I practice first series everyday, I usually do my whole practice on Fridays anyway. First series went well. I decided to use something under my heels for Pasasana not because I haven't been able to bind with my heels up but because I really needed the twist today. I almost forgot to do Shalabasana but, fortunately, the girl next to me was starting second at the same time and I noticed I forgot it before anyone else did :) I've been really struggling with Bhekasana lately. Not only can I not pull through my chest much but on my left side, I can't do the engagement of the pec muscle in order to push my foot down at the same time. When Tim came over to help today he said "Mhmmm... this side is going down (right side) and this side is not (left side)." I tried to mumble that I can't use my muscle to push the foot down... it's a battle for me at the moment... so he helped me. With help the pose feels great especially if someone helps to pull my elbows together since I can't get that "movement" out of my pec yet.
I really enjoyed backbends today. When Tim helped me up on my last one he said "OH very light!" I felt pretty light. After my dropbacks when I came up again, I was really trying to figure out how to shift my center but I just can't put it together in my head. Kiran asked Tim about the adjustment that I posed about the other day... where the teacher helped me from my calves and not my thighs. Tim said he had never done it but he tried it out on Kiran... Kiran reports that it doesn't help you at all... I thought it helped me :) But Tim was holding her lower calves whereas I think when I got that adjustment she was closer to my knees. If I practice tomorrow with that instructor I will ask her to show it to me so I can see it on someone else.
I raced through finishing, short savasana these days... got to the office by 8:50 (but it is a holiday so there was no traffic), took a quick shower (which turned cold halfway through but, hey, it was a shower), threw my clothes on and was technicall "in" the office by 9:00 (okay 9:05 but we won't tell). If I could pull that off 3x a week I'd be really happy. Then I'm going to try and practice at home T/TH or maybe occasionally go to the other studio in town. I know I'll likely miss one practice during the week so I need to start looking at Saturday classes. I feel really great that I managed to fit it in today though... and work is a lot better after having practiced!
The kids are supposed to get dropped off here at the office today so that I can take them to lunch. They'll be excited to see it. I can't believe The Solstice is over and it's almost the New Year. I know this next year is going to have it's own challenges but, honestly, I'll be happy to be over the bump of 2005.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:21 PM | Comments (2)
December 21, 2005
Mental Notes 2002-2005
This was probably the lamest Winter Solstice I can recall. Usually I do some big ritual... one year we built a rock cave for which the sun to be birthed in, we made gods and goddesses from clay, collected the rocks ourselves, hung a moon over head and burned a candle in appreciation all night; one year we had a huge party for all the local kids where we explained our tradition, blew out all the candles and had the light come in with everyone burning something they'd like to "work on" into a fire cauldron (little tiny one); one year we made sun cupcakes, painstakingly difficult to make, for the entire preschool and kindergarten classes in order that our children could spread the joy of the Solstice around to everyone... this year, I did basically nothing. We hung the usual ornaments, sure, but there's no rock cave, cupcakes or shindigs, this year I came home at 4pm, the kids unwrapped their gifts, we ate dinner, they went to bed. It feels so false.
On the other hand, I have been processing doing 108 Sun Salutations all day. Isn't it wild how this practice can do this to us, there's that tangible glimmer of the divine, that feeling that drove you on the mat, that feeling of it all that you're still trying to retain before the little light burns away in the glow of everyday life. It's why the fact that I didn't do any big celebrating today is so apparent. I know, I know... I know, I just started a new job, etc., stress, etc. but isn't this really my fear? This huge overwhelming fear that maybe my beliefs just aren't as solid as I thought they were or maybe that my road to spirituality has changed and worn it's way another direction over time... whatever the fear, it's that feeling of having something to get over, some lesson learned. If I can't even maintain a holiday tradition, have I already started the steep slope down into the abyss? Am I already less mindful, less peaceful, less in bliss?
I took a bath as these thoughts started to process and I put the iPod on shuffle. The first song was Sail Away by David Gray and the second a song by Chris Isaack. It really brought me back to a time when those songs were first on my iPod (God, when I didn't have an iPod what did I do?) and the feelings those times brought with them. They brought me back to my feelings when I first started ashtanga almost, mhmm... 4 years ago I guess. Yea, cause first series 3 (Seren was 1 she's almost 5 so year 3) years, I got pasasana last January, right before Tulum and we're almost to Tulum again... so geez 4 years. I do fondly recall my first yoga ashtanga studio, coincidentally around the same time as those songs got on the iPod. It was ashtanga but the whole purpose of it was different. It was a time when I needed that gentle introduction to the practice so that I could feel the way I feel about it now. Anyway, I started to think about how the feeling of being in love, with anything, with everything, that little feeling we feel about so many things we "love" in this world - ashtanga, chocolate, sex, love, music... whatever our "things" are is so the same as the feeling of being in love with God. Some of the aspects of my practice that never make it to my blog are the times when I'm deeply committed to thinking on God. Sometimes I read about God, sometimes I just sit and think about how important God is to my life, sometimes I think on Ganesh, sometimes Shiva, sometimes what Jesus Christ means to me, sometimes who the Jewish God is, sometimes on Tara (today I chanted to Tara in Padmasana - today I needed Tara). Sometimes just thinking is that practice for me. Being in love with God is as easy as thinking about God. It's a cool thing because for a long time I refused to use the word God. It was too affiliated to me with the concept of the Christian God. I hope not to offend any of my Christian readers, truly I have the absolute utmost respect for the practice of Christianity. It's just it never felt right to me and I finally feel like I'm walking a path and I understand yours now. For a long time I had to fight understanding that in order to be able to use the word God my way.
Back to the train of thought... I was thinking about God and love and how people can come and just touch us and stay with us. I hear a lot of people talking about how they are trying to change how they interact with people or what social rules they follow and I guess I sorta feel that I'm still the same person in that regard. I've always had this amazing love of how people can show us ourselves. I know that sounds like some Buddhist book line or whatever but I can truly tell you I remember feeling like that through my whole life. I can name people, like some guy that I met on a campout to Lake Tahoe when I was 13, who just taught me something and so have touched my life and I can never forget who they are. I have a lot of those and, to some degree, I always think that makes me some wierdo like why should I remember some guy who promised to write me after holding hands and never did ... most people don't do that, do they? The answer is, of course, they probably do.
So here's to hoping that I haven't slipped down the slippery slope yet. Today I was looking in my laptop bag at work to get my laptop out. So far on my desk I've put a picture of The Daughter, The Son, a card that came with flowers on my first day (from The Husband, hand delivered) and The Daughter's Mr. Pretzel that she gave me. I feel "wierd" having those on my desk, like I've moved in somewhere and I'm not really sure it's the right neighborhood for me. In my laptop bag I found a tiny little Ganesh that a wonderful person gave me during my recovery. I set it on my desk and then I worried a bit so I put it behind a picture just that I would know it was there and it could bring my mind back to God -- that sense of stillness in my life. Then I worried more and put it back in my laptop bag... already censoring myself, already trying to find that social rope and how to walk them.
I noted people today walked by me without even saying Hello. The ropes seem a lot thinner.
One really cool thing about being at an office is all day is that I don't have the "other things" going on in the background so I've taken to wearing my iPod while I sit at my desk and work. Now I'm on a quest for music I can listen to because I have all this time to listen to music now. I used to have no time because if I dared to turn on music, in the car or at home, The Daughter would instantly insist on listening to Strawberry Shortcake (or, right now, Spongebob Squarepants Christmas song... lovely).
Happy Solstice regardless of how dressed up it is. Look what 108 Sun Salutations can bring!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:12 PM | Comments (3)
Happy Solstice
I haven't eaten meat since, mhmm... well I'm not recalling when the last time I have eaten meat was but I know that on Sunday when I went to go grocery shopping I found myself with this appalling distaste for it... suddenly, it was how it used to be when I was vegan (only I don't seem to have the aversion to dairy right now)... I simply didn't even want to entertain the idea and so I haven't. I'm not sure if I feel better from a simple spiritual perspective but I do know that I feel somewhat lighter (again, spiritual in nature perhaps). I've been eating lentils everyday. I've always loved lentils, in particular, beluga lentils. Red lentils are too mushy. I probably need to add some beans in if this maintains. Certainly no tofu so protein will be tough. I'm just going to listen to myself and see how it goes.
I went to bed at a good time last night and the alarm went off at 5:15am. I seem to find it easier to get up the earlier it is. Perhaps it is that when I'm getting up that early, I generally have someone to meet or somewhere definitive to be but, regardless, it seems easier. I hopped out of bed, threw on clothes and drove over to the local health club. At 5:30, my yoga friend wasn't there so I debated doing the 108 Sun Salutations on my own or just practicing since it was a Mysore class anyway. I hemmed and hawed, stood at the front of mat, was just done with the invocation and then she came in. We did it! 108 Sun Salutations this morning, stopping every 6th for downward dog. It was challenging but easier than I thought. At different times my arms felt tired. I also had to skip my "baby chatarungas" a few times as my pec wasn't enjoying the action. I just dropped into upward dog on the inhale and then exhale my head back like I do when I get tired in a regular practice. What I did notice through this experience is my inhalations SUCK. My exhalations are pretty good but I simply don't inhale like I should. I guess it is something to notice and work on... whether because it was so aerobic or simplys something I noticed I don't know. We ended up counting 9 sets of 6 each (so every set was two sets of 6). I think the rest of the room thought we were a bit nuts but the instructor did come and adjust us a couple times which took the weight off and felt really nice. I was surprised at how open my hamstrings were given the hour and my tightness yesterday. All in all, I really enjoyed the practice and I really, really felt a spiritual connection to the solstice in doing it. On the last one I really, really put my energy into it being a Sun Salutation.
I also discovered today that I get so lost in my practice that I can't think. It's a good thing my friend was a good counter because I couldn't remember in ANY SINGLE round whether we had done 4 or 5 or 6 Sun Salutations. I just followed her :)
After 108 Sun Salutations, we did 6 backbends. On the last one the instructor asked me if I wanted help up. When I came up she said she wasn't holding my weight and she wanted me to do it again so she could try a different adjustment. She helped me drop back which she again told me was all me and then she pushed on my lower thighs a bit and boom I was coming up. She, again, told me it was all me, then we did it again... and again.. and then I was saying that I just can't figure out how to get my hands off the ground that I know it is a pivot, a recentering but I can't figure out how to do it. So she had me lay back down and try it slowly with her helping me from the bottom of my thighs... I sorta felt it when she said my heels should be coming up but I felt like I was doing that. Something to work on (and the cheese wedge gets to get opened tonight!).
I felt GREAT after the practice today...really awake and alive. My hamstrings yelled for awhile but they seem relatively okay now. This new office job is, however, doing a number on my back. I used to get up and bounce around, stretch all the time, since I don't have an office yet, well I can't exactly do that sitting here, can I :) Something else to adjust to I suppose.
Happy Winter Solstice Ashtangis (and others who read... you know who you are :>)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:51 PM | Comments (4)
December 20, 2005
Wierd
I wrote and posted a blog entry this morning and it's gone... wierd.. I know it publishd, I watched it. Chalk it up to a wierd ether black hole and not that I'm completely losing my mind. The latter is more likely but also much, much more scary to admit. Given that I've been two days now in my "real" office, my blog is already taking quite a hit on udpates, isn't it? So much for the discipline of blogging everyday. I'm not sure what the PC thing is to do -- blog from work? blog from home? blog? It'll all work out I suppose. As for being in the office, well, I'm still getting my feet wet but there are some definite downsides. First, the office is "out of space" so I'm in a secretarial corner with 4 attorneys outside my office. They can hear everything and vice versa. Bummer since I'm on the phone a lot, I've seen a lot of doors closing as I talk. What can I do. Second, everyone and I do mean everyone here is sick. I don't want to touch the door handles. I fully admit to being a germaphobe and this whole office thing doesn't lend itself to slowly working one's way through that fear.
I didn't practice yesterday... my body is rebelling about my lack of practice lately. My husband keeps trying to convince me to give myself the opportunity to work into a routine... we all know I'm super hard on myself and therefore unlikely to be capable of such gentleness. Last night I decided it was stupid to pay double studio fees in order to practice at "the other studio" on T/TH so I decided to practice at home this morning. This might have been more readily accepted in my mind if my office wasn't filled with boxes which are filled with holiday gifts in various forms (including the big huge cheese wedge which I selfishly got The Daughter). I tried to make some space, turn on the heater, light candles, say the invocation and then found myself basically unable to touch my toes. Combine lack of practice with the early morning hour and my body was laughing it's ass off as it held me back from finding my toes. In the end, I suffered through about 1/3 of the practice..whether this was the "smart" thing to do in order to "work with myself" or, more likely, my simple slacking self since I wasn't somewhere where I "had" to perform, we'll just not talk about. I will get better about this. I will... I suppose it takes the same "work in" as getting a regular Mysore practice took. Right, right right?
Today is The Husband's birthday. I feel horrible that I'm not home... but I suppose, with all else, that feeling shall soon pass.
Tomorrow is The Solstice. I just realized that 108 Sun Salutations might be completely impossible for me since I can't do chatarungas.. I could do them my way but I bet I can't keep rhythm with someone doing the full deal... will have to ponder this.
I haven't even began to prepare my holiday cards... it's the 20th.... I suck.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:25 PM | Comments (3)
December 18, 2005
All Me
I ended up going to practice at the health club today. It's an hour and 15 minutes later than the studio which means The Husband can go surfing and I can spend the morning with the children. It's a traditional first series class with a great teacher... I was worried after not practicing for a week that I'd be tightened up but, given the time, it was easier than expected (and I'll likely pay for that tomorrow). The instructor told me to, in plank position, move my shoulder blades together while still engaging my bandhas and keeping the plank strong since I can't do chatarungas...this is much harder than it sounds (well, if you are me). I actually did jump throughs today for the first half of the series... I was pretty surprised that there was no drama associated with them today. Of course, I got tired since I haven't been doing them at all for the past 5 months but good to know they are still in there somewhere. I got a lovely adjustment in Mari D, one of those exorcism twists... and I even did handstands between Navasanas though I couldn't get up with my hands starting on the floor (too much pull/push/engagement of the pecs) and I couldn't maintain without the wall (though I did once for a couple breaths). My kurmasana was a lot better today... but I still couldn't bind in Supta K :( I feel light years away from that again (though I know I did it on the east coast... it's that wierd east coast thing). I am so in love with Uptavista Konasana right now... It just feels marvelous and I'd love to just hang out there these days. After Setu, myself and another girl who regularly practices with Tim went on to second series poses. I hope this didn't frustrate the teacher, I looked at her and said "OK?" and she said sure. The class was doing 3 sets of 3 backbends and my backbends are still a struggle so getting in the work of early second was nice. I can't get off the ground for shit anymore in Bhekasana.... the pull is just too great through the chest, even with an assist it is quite difficult. I only did to Ustrasana and then I tried to go halfway down, or a bit more, and come up with just my legs. It will be a long time in coming.
When I started backbends, I did one and the teacher came to help me. I had been telling her how the instructor did dropbacks while I was up in L.A. and she told me she had started a new way with people who are close. She grabbed my calves, at the bottom of them, and said "straighten your legs" ... at first I couldnt' figure out how to do it but with a little pivot, boom, I was up. She said "that was all you" -- so then I did a dropback and she helped me up again. This time I couldn't figure out how to get my hands off the ground without any help so I did a little rock and she had her hands by my calves again and she said it was all me. Interesting. I got The Daughter's cheese wedge Yule present here next to me... the guilt of buying her something I can't wait to try it is slowly eroding.
Today I'm going to get my life together... unpack my clothes from the last week... wash... get my office organized again (it's a disaster with boxes everywhere) and figure out just how to fit in yoga with an office job. I have a conf. call at 8:30 tomorrow morning so I realistically can't practice tomorrow unless I go to the 6am Mysore at the "other studio" in town. It's now going to get down to how much it costs me to have all these places to practice at.
The other girl I mentioned above and I decided to honor The Solistice on Wednesday by meeting up at the club for 108 Sun Salutations at 5:30... any of you ashtangis out there are welcome to join us (I can get you in ;>). We hope to be done around 7:15. It will be a nice way to bring in the Solistice.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:59 PM | Comments (3)
December 17, 2005
Game On
I can't even recall when last I blogged. How terrible is that. I feel like everything in my life is suddenly slipping away. I haven't practiced since last Monday, I haven't been home in 7 days, I haven't eaten well, drank well, slept well... I'm scared to death but slowly learning to live with it which is, I suppose, the process by which one adjusts and processes and eventually feels comfortable with.
Basically, I ended up taking a Tylenol PM every night I was up in L.A. I had grand intentions of getting up to practice regardless on Friday... and then the alarm didn't go off. Wierd because it had every other morning. The Husband was supposed to meet me up in L.A. and since The Daughter finally seemed somewhat better, he told me he'd be on the 2pm train.... only when I got out of a meeting at 4:00, I got a voice mail letting me know he was on the top platform as he watched the 2pm train leave the station. This meant that the Holiday Party was "starting" at 6pm and The Husband wouldn't be pulling into Union Station until 5:45pm. What I didn't realize when I agreed to swing by and pick him up figuring we'd be just a bit late was that the hotel, large as it was, was hosting many similar parties. As a result, when we got back from the train station, the line to get into the parking lot of the hotel was about a 15 minute wait. We didn't actually make it to the party until right before dinner was to be served. An interesting party the likes of which I haven't been to in a long time... the formal ball gowns, black ties, swank and circumstance. Man, I'm rusty and out of practice in the ballgame of the corporate world. I might have to actually wear one of those suits (and I'm happy to say, I have officially declared I will never walk into Ann Taylor again so I only own a Theory one)... just so that I feel like I can handle it. It's like an entirely different social interaction with all this external baggage to shift through. Wow, The Husband and I chatted about it on the way home... I used to spend all day with people who were my friends... now I have to figure out what everyone's agenda is as I pass them in the hall. F-R-E-A-K-Y.
My best friend called me today and told me that Bauhaus rocked. I'm a damn loser.
My mom is totally excited about Tulum which is great. She's scouted it out online, bought a butane curling iron (there is simply no way I could curl my hair every morning...hell I don't think I could even curl my hair) and is ready to go. It's something to look forward to, something that feels like the normal me.
I'm hoping to practice tomorrow but have guilt in the heart. I've been gone 7 days I should see the kids more. I try to rationalize this out by saying this is life and Monday we get back to normal, why not Sunday. I haven't decided if I can do it with a clear heart yet or not. As it turns out my very first conference call, guess at what time, 8:30. Blows. I might try to go to practice and just start and crank it out.... I think I could maybe pull it off if I was in Uttanasana at 7:00 on the dot (man, the idea of a curtain or room divider for pranayama in the morning sounds awesome... I hope someone looks into that idea so that we could start earlier). I'd then be taking a call with Microsoft in my car.... is that bad? I definitely feel like I'm pushing the envelope of what is acceptable right now but I suppose that is okay... I suppose that's actually the game in and of itself.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:37 PM
December 14, 2005
Moon Day
Last night I was having a difficult time falling asleep. Having not really slept more than a few hours straight since Friday night, I decided it was time for intervention and I took half a Tylenol PM. Now, for the majority of you that might not seem like anything but it was a big deal with me because that stuff messes with me and I knew that the chances were likely, if I took it, I wouldn't be getting up in the morning. I also knew that today was back to back meetings... from 8am until 6:30pm and I had to have a brain on... I had to be able to think and retain. So I took it and as I drifted off into chemically induced sleep I promised myself that I wouldn't berate myself or otherwise feel guilt for not practicing "if I couldn't get my eyes open in the morning."
The alarm went off at 5:17am. I knew when it took me about a minute to figure out what the noise was that I wouldn't be getting out of bed. My body felt heavy and laden with steel. My brain was slightly awake, I berated myself, I tried to convince myself... in the end, I fell back asleep and woke up at 7:30. I realize that this was necessary and that I felt a lot better today for it but I also hold fear that my yoga practice is already suffering. Yes, this is an odd week, I'm in L.A. all week, I'm in a hotel, I've got meetings all day, at night.... so I hold no stock in the omens but with The Daughter still running very high fevers, well, I don't have a lot of warm fuzzies.
That said, the idea of teacher training rocks. I booked flights, my mom is coming.... The Daughter is going to come (man, I have to get a passport for her I think -- jamnkats do you know if they need one?) and hang out with Tim's daughter... awesome. Awesome! Manifestation.
I'm now on my third room at The Westin Bonaventure... the first one, too close to the elevators... the second, I discovered this evening, had no Internet service and I have some things that must get done tonight. Lovely. I'm sick of paying $5 to have my sutff moved from room to room... but, heck, at least my room service found me.
Tomorrow is a moon day but I hope to get enough sleep to practice one more time up here. Hopefully The Daughter will break her fever tomorrow as The Husband is supposed to meet me up here on Friday for a holiday party. Manifesting... manifesting... manifesting...
(p.s. hey d, tell your wife I'm going to tulum... tell her to give me a call)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:21 PM | Comments (3)
Manifesting
Manifesting works...even for childcare... my mom is coming with me and I'm going to Maya Tulum :) :) :)
D, I'd be happy to review your list ;)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:30 PM | Comments (3)
December 13, 2005
Day Two
I didn't get any sleep last night. I was literally awake almost every hour throughout the night. I'm not sure what my problem was but, regardless, 5:30 came and I decided sleep was more important than yoga. I'm not sure I got that much sleep but, eh, whatever. Today at work was a bit more comfortable though still a bit wierd. I did find out that I can go to Maya Tulum.... except that now my nanny can't come and the deal has to include a/my nanny... I'm a bit bummed. I've asked my mom to go so hopefully she can pull it off... if she can, I'm going. Wouldn't that be the coolest if I can pull it off though? It totally would.
I've decided to stick around the hotel tonight... hopefully find a way to sleep and practice in the morning. I've learned all kinds of stuff about the political inner workings of the new firm... I can do this... The Daughter is still stick. Had a strep test today, negative. Doctor said it is typical viral infection, poor thing, still has 103 fever... day 4. Hopefully she'll be better by Friday as The Husband is supposed to be meeting me up here for a holiday party. It would suck to go alone!
If you put it out there, it will manifest right? I'm going to manifest a nanny for The Daughter at Maya Tulum. Manifesting....
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:46 PM | Comments (3)
...? Bad Omens ?
So Saturday around 4pm The Daughter started complaining of a headache... often when she is really tired she complains of body aches but not usually headaches. I should have taken this as an omen for two hours later she was burning hot, in my bed, The Husband in hers... a sleepless night. Sunday her fever raged, at times up to 105. As any parent knows, a fever is scary... as good as we know they are, they are freakin' scary as hell. I was selfishley bummed because one of the ladies from yoga was having a guest speaker on yoga philosophy... how could I feel selfish when my daughter was suffering so? Bad Mommy. Sunday evening I had to leave for L.A. I got here around 9pm, ordered a salad and tried to settle in. It wasn't until I tried to go to sleep that I realized my room was right next to the elevators. A long and mostly sleepless night. When I woke up at 5am I figured what the hell, I should just practice given I knew I wouldn't sleep so I drove over to Yoga East... was the second person there, wasn't sure where to put my mat, when to start, how to start, etc. In the end, the first person there explained the setup... I wasn't quite sure why the setup was as it was... but did it anyway. The teacher, direct from Mysore, was still practicing when I started. I kept my watch by my side worried that I would be late for my first day of work. Practice started okay.. a bit tight.. a bit filled with nerves.. a big day.. a strange day... a sleepless night. The teacher was done practicing and announced Samastitihi right before Bhujapindasana... I have to admit, I'm not used to this and it really messed with my practice... at the hardest point, boom, my breathing and focused were brought to a different level and I never really got it back. I say the invocation to myself before I start so I didn't necessarily feel that I needed to stop and do it... we don't do that at our studio no matter how one starts and I realized I don't like it... perhaps it is that I'm not used to it, I don't know but it really messed with my concentration.
Today Bhujapindasana was really hard. I don't know if the break in concentration had something to do with it... but it really sucked. The instructor came over in Supta K... I couldn't bind and I couldn't engage my pec enough to get my second arm wrapped enough. I had to stop and explain who I was, that I had sent an email and my situation... another break in the concentration of a practice... I flailed through the rest of primary... and since I hadn't been totally warmed up through the end of primary, Pasasana was really hard. My heels aren't down and binding is really hard given the pull through my chest. The teacher assisted me but in a much different way than Tim does. I have to say, Tim's adjustment in Pasasana is a lot more helpful, helping you get and keep your heels down. On the other hand, the teacher today didn't help that buttock lift in Pasasana and that made a difference... more practice. In Bhekasana, instead of helping me lift through the shoulders, the teacher just pushed my arms together... a great help but a bit more pull on the incision sites that I felt 100% comfortable with. *sigh* THen I got to backbends. I explained that I had only done dropbacks for a couple days, backbends held fear... and so we skipped dropbacks except assisted dropbacks...which he did with only a towel and this cool adjustment. I wish I could explain it because it REALLY REALLY helped me. He sorta pushed lightly near my hips but DID NOT help me come up at all... it was gnarly... fear in my chest was evident... I would get almost up and then I would lose some steam... I could feel where I was holding back... I could feel the pivot.. it was amazing.
I then spent all day at work. I can't even feasibly write about it right now. I am scared shitless. I really don't know right now if this is a good thing... I'm that freaked out. Goddess help me...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:31 AM | Comments (4)
December 10, 2005
Ode to Neti
I didn't practice on Friday. I had so many things to do given it was my last day in my kick-back world and then I ended up spending almost all day dealing with my ex-company issues. Yes, I probably had 3 calls with the "higher ups" asking questions, wanting to know details about my experiences with my boss and my coworkers, wanting to know why I thought things were wrong, why exactly I was leaving, no holds barred. Wild.
I'm watching this awesome National Geographic episode on tattooing... I love tattoos... I sometimes vascillate on getting more... I thought when I got my arm band that I would show it sometimes and that others I would hide it. I purposefully had it set where it is so that I could cover it with the average short sleeved shirt. I either misjudged what a short sleeve shirt was or I just haven't worn one in a long time. I've sorta dug that the style lately (and living in Southern California) affords me pretty much the daily added pleasure of showing off my tattoos. I love looking at tattoos. The experience of getting a tattoo borders on delivering the same tangible cord of energy that runs between all individuals who've had it (much like the tangible cord of energy linking all ashtangis..this shared knowledge or experience). I totally dig the work that Neti on my back. It rocks. There's this added layer of twine that when I had Neti draw it for me I barely knew him. As an artist, he put his own special energy into my tattoo design and now that I know him so much more personally, it's just that extra special. Neti is a really cool dude. I know I mentioned that he and walked around Soho in the rain together but I don't think I expanded on it much. There are few people in this world that I feel like I can just hang out with. I briefly alluded to this with my best friend the other day... that in other scenarios I feel completely socially awkward. Neti is one of those guys that you can just hang with for 5 hours and nothing really matters... there's no social agenda and you can just hang. What's really special about Neti is that he married a woman just like that too! They really are Mr. & Mrs. Neti. :) :)
Tomorrow I've promised the children Santa Claus. We've fought and fought the commercialization of Yule and we've succeeded to some extent but this year the kids have actually asked to see Santa Claus. The Son was never interested in anything like that but The Daughter is very interested so he goes along. Then I leave for L.A. It's sorta bizarre. I think I'm in denial actually. I have no idea what to expect and it's really twisting my brain trying to let go and let it happen. I hate to see here goes nothing 'cause I think something is going but I know we'll learn to adapt somehow. This is just a new phase, a new lesson, the same journey with a little different lookin' trees.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:06 PM | Comments (3)
December 8, 2005
Tanked
Today's practice was sweet. Sometimes, unlike yesterday, when you recall your practice, you can't really recall anything in particular, no overwhelming focus on the physical, just that sweet taste in the back of your mouth and that slightly high feeling in your head that feels like home. That's the kind of practice I had today. Today I realized just how funny Tim is and how much of the practice he imparts in his own manner. I also saw his own idea of tradition and how to pass what was taught to him on. Kiran had a Sanskrit lesson today, all I could make out was Vri-chick-asana (or something of the sort).
Today I found out all this stuff about my old work... fascinating. It's so funny when you get blindsided by stuff you didn't even know about. Just to give you a clue about the depth of it... the only other senior developer handed in her resignation on Monday. She hadn't actually been told us I was leaving until I called her at 5pm on Friday. We had a long talk then but I never got the impression, in fact, she basically told me she had to stay there for a really good reason that also sorta blew me away. So I was pretty stunned to find out that she had handed in her resignation Monday morning. Wow!
Today was, however, my last 9am practice. I'm soooo going to miss those. Let's face it, your body is waayy more open at 9am than it is at 7am. I'm often in awe of people who don't seem to struggle in the cold of the early morning. I have to admit the cold is hitting me much harder this year... you see, there seems to be this problem. Whether it is with all implants or just with reconstruction, when it gets cold, my pecs seem to involuntarily contract... it's a wierd experience and I can't figure out a way to control it. Sometimes deep breathing seems to help. When they contract, the implants get pulled and it's so amazingly not okay. It isn't even remotely a feeling that I feel will ever be okay. Granted, I've never been seriously injured but, at this moment, there is nothing in me that believes engaging my pecs involuntarily or voluntarily will never be something that happens.
Today I spent some time cleaning up my computer. Getting rid of the mass of mapped drives, virtual private network, certificates, etc. As soon as I was done my computer started acting really freakin' funny. I couldn't get IE to work, I can't check on why Tiffany's isn't updating. I really need to run a backup and wipe it clean.... wouldn't that be nice? It's one of those moments when you make a great leap of faith that you don't forget ANYTHING off the harddrive. It's like getting a new pair of jeans though... likely I won't get the energy to do it.
It's 8:53pm now... I have yet to take a shower today... I suppose I really should do that.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:23 PM | Comments (1)
December 7, 2005
Ego Driven
I'm just going to go ahead and say it, I'm flat out pissed off with myself and I'm a damned bitch because of it. I am hating my physical limitations, I'm hating how much weight I've gained and can't seem to shake (yes, I realize it doesn't look like I've gained weight but believe me, I have, and, yes, I realize this might also be thyroid related). I am sick of having a crappy practice. I am sick of being sick of it all. I'm just plain pissed off and tired of it. How's that for a really bit pity party?
By the way, I start the new job on Monday.... this week I am actually "off work" which would be nice if I didn't have so much stuff to get done.
Practice today was okay... like I said, I'm just sick of being so physically limited. I miss jump throughs and the peace that comes along with feeling great while practicing instead of finding the edge all the time and wondering where and when it will move itself along. I'm sick of having to be conscious. I realize that I'm less than 6 months post mastectomy and that I'm less than 5 weeks post second surgery but what the hell ever... I'm having a crappy day and I'm just going to go with it.
On my first "stand up" from backbends with Tim today he did his old adjustment where it seemed like he was going to hold most of the weight then after I came up he said "OHHH very very light!" I said "Really? It doesn't feel like it!" I told him I have some fear attached to it right now as I can feel a pull through the left side when I'm in a backbend... he asked if I wanted to do dropbacks again so I did them... because I can "hold myself together" with my crossed arms they don't hurt actually.
Today I attempted utpluthi... I actually got off the ground for a milisecond about a milimeter up... Tim was watching, he smiled... its pitiful, myself right now. I so struggle. Today as I was practicing I kept seeing this girl across the way staring at me... I don't know what she was staring at but I felt like I needed a tshirt that said "I JUST HAD SURGERY QUIT STARING!"
It probably doesn't help that I'm stressed over life, feeling like a loser and otherwise completely inundated with myself. Maybe I'll feel better later.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:01 PM | Comments (5)
December 6, 2005
Worlds Colliding
I very rarely check my "stats" for my blog. I average somewhere between 400 and 600 pageloads a day... that's quite an audience. I long ago, back in the scary alternative parenting gustapo days, decided if I was going to do this public blog thing, then I simply wouldn't give a care as to who was reading it... so I don't check. Occasionally I run through it.. I especially like to see the keywords people find my blog on. Somewhere I have a post with the words drunk and moms, I would say at least everytime I ever check, there are multiple hits on those two words together and usually those hits come from Saudi Arabia (perhaps moms can't get drunk there). So this morning I was skimming through the log when I noticed not one, not two, not three but four hits from big huge law firms. One in California, one in Chicago and a couple that didn't give me the location but I recognize the names. Fascinating! I know a few regular readers are lawyers but I'm pretty positive they aren't lawyers with these firms... so I wonder that my little personal private blog here has suddenly found it's way onto the favorite links of some peers somewhere... Goddess help me! ;)
This morning turned out to be really stressful. The Husband decided, in what I deem complete stupidity, to take my car to get it fixed this week. It's my only week off for a long time and here I am without a car to get around. The problems started with the fact that we had to drop off the car this morning. Within the space of an hour I had to get the son to school, get the car down to Clairemont Mesa, get back, drop off The Husband, get The Daughter to school and make it to yoga. Let's just say that I did a fair amount of bitching in the car (at The Husband) and broke perhaps a few traffic laws attempting to fit it all in (during rush hour mind you)... so I was a bit stressed when I actually hit the mat today. All in all I had a nice practice, full of breath and driste, it felt good... I don't even remember adjustments though I know there were some... I just wasn't there physically today... it was all spiritual and mental. I'm feeling so completely out of control, not knowing where my world is headed and how I'm going to handle it. Last night I met with a developer associated with BHLF#1... at the end of our 5 hour conversation he said he saw me "as a cool chick who's probably a bit of a workaholic and doesn't want to be." Goddess help me, he is likely right. I did my whole practice today... I even did dropbacks and they felt okay... I couldn't get close to standing up but all in all things were more "back to normal" than they have been.
Next week I'll be in L.A. all week and believe I will be practicing at YogaEast in the morning. ALways interesting to go somewhere else right now since I'm unable to practice at full bore. There's a slight possibility that I can go to Maya Tulum this year... I'm waiting to find out... on pins and needles... wouldn't that be the coolest?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:30 PM | Comments (5)
December 5, 2005
The Practice
The alarm went off, as usual at 6:12am this morning. The Husband doesn't really believe in heating the house and it was freezing outside the covers. I couldn't convince my body to do a 10 minute sprint of throwing on clothes, brushing teeth and hair, finding UGG boots and waiting for the car to heat up. Finally at 6:33 my discipline kicked in. With no heater in the room, the studio is cold. At 7am, everyone was wearing layers, my feet were icy... My hamstrings and calves finally decided to let go a bit from the tenacity of pain they were holding onto after last Tuesday. My body seemed fairly normal all things considered. Practice started off okay... I got an unexpected adjustment in Utthita Trikonasana today. I don't think I've ever been adjusted in it before but it was kinda funny because as soon as I went into it I thought to myself "This pose feels wierd... what is wrong with this pose." Then boom, Tim was there, pulling me into alignment. I'm not sure why I was so off today but there ya have it. I got my Good Morning Adjustment in Parivritta Trikonasana and then realized how impossible the Parsvakonasanas are for me. In the first one, I can't put my hand down on the first side as the pull on the "stitched" side is too great. In Parsva it is REALLY hard for me to do especially on the first side as I simply can't flatten my breasts anymore... the bottom line is they aren't ever going to flatten more so I have to start coming at this pose differently. If I do a non-traditional version I'm fine... I'm up a little higher and get a bit more of a twist on top but the traditional pose is very hard for me these days.
The rest of standing was fine... the first seated postures were fine... I got to the Maris and debated what I should do. A & B were fine... in fact, I stayed in B for quite awhile today. It just felt good.... plus I needed to feel my center out about going further in the practice. What might not be clear when I talk about how I'm debating where to stop is not that I want to continue simply because I like the rest of the practice or whatever... I am really trying to figure out what is the appropriate stopping place even though I feel fine. It's a fine line to cross. When you can't do a posture, you know you should stop. When you can do a posture, it feels like you are fine to move on... but I know that I could hurt myself without feeling it and so I have to really find some center that tells me what is safe or not. I can honestly say that I have finally found an understanding of how this practice is not about who's doing second and who's doing first and who's doing third... having the practice removed from you in the way that I have goes a long way in teaching that lesson. I'm not sure that lesson would be clear had I not practiced ashtanga pre-surgery. It's very hard, though, to figure out what is right for me right now... simply because I feel fine. I want to go further because it feels like my practice and, at some point, I should be doing my practice... when is it okay to go further, that's what I have to figure out.
That said, by the time I was done with Mari B, I just felt like I had just begun. I wasn't straining, having trouble maintaining the breath, my body felt fine so I decided to lightly go into Mari C and see what happened. Of course, today is the day, in the vein of the insightfulness of dedicating yourself to a teacher, Tim decided to adjust me in ALL of my twisting postures. I rarely get adjusted in Mari C or D so it is definitely unusual for me to get attention in both of them. Mari C was a bit difficult to be adjusted in today. I wasn't fully sweaty and my back felt the twist more than it should have. After Tim walked away I figured I was on my own for Mari D. The binding in this pose takes me a bit now... I have to figure out a way to get the breasts to move enough (because they surely don't flatten) that I can get the twist from my center... It takes more of a setup (I used to be able to get into this with the correct breath count). I was surprised then to see Tim come back and adjust me again. He was behind me, leg over my bent leg and helping me twist. I was surprised to see his face (meaning he had me twisted pretty darned far around).. the second side I could have said Hello to him :)
I decided to go ahead and finish first series. I was just going to go lightly so with Bhujapindasana I cheated going in (I usually cheat going in but this time I cheated more) and only the held the pose for a quick five breaths instead of five full ones. Kurmasana felt okay, I definitely wasn't as far down as usually though I expect that was because it was so cold in the room. Supta Kurmasana --- I couldn't bind on my own today. I was close but my right hamstring wouldn't release enough to give me that extra 1/2 inch. Tim finally saw me struggling and raised his shoulders as if to ask "What gives?" I shrugged back as if to say "Who knows but it isn't happening without help today!"
After reading Don's blog yesterday, I decided to really try and enjoy Konasana for as long as I could. It was great... my drishte only broke when I wondered what in the world I was sticking my face in on the carpet beneath me ;) I finished first series and wondered about second. Really the only pose I knew I needed to worry over was Pasasana and since Tim had already adjusted me in twists I was feeling somewhat loose in that regard. I figured I would still do it without a mat under my heels but just not worry too much about the pose itself. So I held back on the twist on the first side and then at the end my hands flew apart, just in time for Tim to see the flail.... which meant he came to help me on the second side... which meant he had my heels down and the bind hand to wrist. It didn't hurt so much as scare me mentally, should I be doing this.... in the end I just went with it and, of course, we did the first side again. It's been a long time since I bound hand to wrist in Pasasana and it felt quite good.
As I neared the end of my second series poses, I heard Tim give the girl next to me the next pose, Laghu Vajrasana. I was 99% confident that, even if he was giving out poses, he wouldn't give me one but I really didn't want a new pose so I made sure to not make eye contact, not take extra breaths and immediately move into backbends :) I took it easy on those, only doing 4 and not pushing into them. I skipped dropbacks and I skipped headstand (as it pulls through the sides). After practice OKRGR and I went for coffee (okay and a doughnut) which was nice.
I had this nice revelation today.... maybe not so much a revelation as a definitive understanding of why Tim is my teacher... or not why but why it is right for me to practice with Tim. Today there was a young lady practicing next to OKRGR and across the room from me. I saw that she went and got a cheat sheet before class started so I was a little surprised when she broke into Pasasana almost immediately after Sun Salutations... I didn't even see her do fundamental standing postures. I also noted that she couldn't do Pasasana, nor Krounchasana and I started to think "Why am I even noticing her practice?" The thought flashed in my mind "Why wouldn't Tim stop her?" Then I realized it.... I have the type of personality that would lend itself right over to practicing with some more "traditionalist" "hardcore" "rule bearing" (whatever adjective fits, I'm not sure) teachers. I often think it would be better for me to practice in that manner, with that type of teacher. But this morning I had the revelation as to WHY it is perfect for me to be fortunate enough to practice with Tim and why it is important to I continue to open myself up to his teachings. I DO HAVE that black & white personality and practicing with Tim makes me open myself up to the possibility that there is grey.... that things can be flexible (and not just in asana), that life isn't this straight arrow with rules that must get followed or else. I'm not saying that Tim isn't a traditional teacher, he is.... but he doesn't force you into that box... he allows you to find it for yourself, when you are ready, if ever. I've had enough conversations with other ashtangis to know that many people think Tim is too "lax" and I don't think that's the case. Yes, he'll let you get away with stuff that perhaps others won't but he also lets you know he knows and leaves it up to you to find your own discipline and path. It would be so easy for me to let it be dictated to me... practicing Tim forces me to examine myself, my motives and my internal dialogue. I'm very fortunate to be here and have this opportunity in life.
Today I am going to observe the yoga for kids class at The Son's school in preparation for my yoga for kids class at The Daughter's school starting next month. I'm officially off work this week though I have a few things left to do to finish up. I really have to finish Yule shopping and I REALLY have to get to work on our Yule cards!
Happy Monday!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:55 PM | Comments (5)
December 4, 2005
Good Times @ Barton's
Man, something is wrong with me. I am just complete bitch lately. Today I was in classic form. I think maybe my thyroid is off again as I have various symptoms.... man, I hate that I have to deal with that. So I couldn't figure out what to put on the iPod for my bath and eventually just settled on letting the shuffle take care of it. The first song was a Madonna song... the new one whatever it is called. I've only heard it once before so I was listening to it... I like the disco vibe... disco was so cool... disco was before everyone got so self-conscious and tied up in bizarre stuff. I mean, really, did you see the clothes? I decided that I have to admit I no longer roll my eyes and think bad things when I heard the name Madonna since I know she practices ashtanga yoga. I wonder why that is. I guess it is my need to believe that those of us practicing ashtanga really are part of some thing huge in a world full of really huge things. I have also now seen that this is silly.
Tonight I was thinking about my best friend, D. We are supposed to be going to Bauhaus next week and there's the slight chance I won't be able to go. I know, not even 24 hours in the "job" and I might have to miss Bauhaus. It's insanity. D and I talk on the phone the way I know and feel most comfortable... "yea?... ok... yea....cool...cya" Which means that because neither one of us could be social enough to actually talk on the phone, you know, like to talk we haven't much of a chance to just talk recently. As we have kids and get busier, we leave somewhat nuclear lives... we have to... life is so full with two kids and two full time jobs and two people who are supposed to be together, there's no way in hell you get much time other for your one personal "can't give" (in my case yoga, in his surfing). The personal "can't give" is the line you just can't cross... it's the one thing you know that you won't give up unless it's absolutely necessary... where before you might have had 3 or 4 things you do solely for yourself, at our juncture in parenting/coupledom, we get one... anything else is impossible. It really sucks though because my best friend is actually the only person in the whole wide world that I know I can sit in a room with and just shoot the shit... no wierd social interactions are necessary, I don't have to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. Being as socially inept as we are (we're quite compatible that way, it was always hard to have someone in the mix that had an outgoing personality... we seemed to always go along and then simply just blow it), when we get the rare moment together we're not going to go sit in a bar and it's not like we want to be anywhere too public but, with families at respective abodes gone are the days of having a "house party"... so I leave this post with:
Man, damn, we need another Barton's house!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:26 PM | Comments (1)
December 3, 2005
Blog Healing
Sometimes I write in my blog only because it is this thing I've said to myself I'll do. I guess somewhat of a promise made from the lesson that this thing actually does help me. Sometimes I have absolutely nothing really to say and so I'll flitter through my day and wonder if I can find any lesson, any gleaming tangible piece of mindfulness and awareness that I hadn't seen before. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. It's a discipline though to do it everyday and I've recognized, on some level, that even the drible I write is helping me figure this whole thing out.
Last night we went to the Holiday Party for the new "office." It's sorta wierd to go to a holiday party like that because, well, frankly you know no one. Half the night people just looked at us like "who are they" especially after we ended up, as a result of knowing no one but the CKO, sitting at the table with the CEO, PIC and, what appeared to be, the two other most senior attorneys in this location. So while we sat conspicuously, we had the opportunity to observe as outsiders, the wierd political posturing, gossip fodder moments and whatnot. It was a little scary because it really is this other world. It's nothing like my life now where the majority of my social interaction is actually yoga and, hell, that's two hours of which we don't even talk! I literally sit in solitude for me entire working day. Sometimes I put music on, sometimes I even put the TV on (yes, I own up to sitting here on the occasion and watching Judge Judy (only it isn't Judge Judy anymore, there are all these bizarre takeoffs on that concept))... most of the time though I sit, like now, in silence. I'm always in front of my computer. I work, do something family related, work, do something family related, work.. I'm switching my hat about bazillion times a day. So what IS life going to be like when I'm actually involved in a social experiment? WOW... it's going to be wild. On the one hand that's really exciting because we learn so much about ourselves when we crush open the box we like to snuggle in but, on the other, I kinda like where I'm at and what I'm doing (not professionally, on a personal level) and that seems more important than anything else (said as the lightbulb of self-absorption goes off). All in all, the party was okay. We left as early as we felt it was appropriate, came home and sat in the jacuzzi for awhile.
So, Thursday I got an email from one of the directors at the other offers I turned down... it just asked if I was around and said that he'd now spoiled the surprise he was trying to arrange to have delivered. I've known him for years and turning down the offer was very hard on a personal level. He's made it quite clear with his professionalism and class act human being that he understood my decision was purely made from a "best for my family, best for me" viewpoint. So he told me he was sending me a present to wish me well I felt truly awesome. I didn't know what it was but I just thought "Damn, maybe all those years in the office prior to this I just didn't give anyone the chance to be a human being!?" Anyway, something happened on Thursday and they ended up not being able to deliver it until today. I sorta forgot about it as we had a birthday party, then I took a nap and started dinner. I was actually cooking so I had the music on really loud, a glass of wine... I love that process. I love cooking. In the middle of my zest I swore I heard the doorbell (the music was really loud). It sorta arrested me out of my zone and so I was caught by surprise when I open the door and I see this lady standing there with a case of IZZE (yes, OKRGR is laughing his ass of right now). It took a few seconds for the lightbulb to go off that this was the gift the director had sent me. We had gone to Starbucks on our "interview" and I got an IZZE and was telling him about my complete and utter love of them (and my inability to purchase them because of my neurotic don't wanna be an ex-hippy nature -- OKRGR frequently surprises me with one!). I find it fascinating that he'd remember but, more importantly, that he took note of it. Not only is he a class act guy, a wonderful mentor but clearly he's also a good listener! I'm drinking one right now.
Which brings me to the fact that this week I bought a case of VOSS sparkling. I can't believe I'm walking around with this bottle of water like its golden... I have always hated water and, as a result, I really don't drink enough of it. I often wonder if I'm dehydrated badly. I just hate water. But this VOSS stuff... I love it... it sorta burns from the carbonation and the water tastes so good!
I was reading YogaChickie today and in one post there is a discussion about committing to your teacher and practicing traditional Mysore. I have decided that I'm not going to practice led tomorrow because I should honor this committment to myself to take it slow and only go up to Navasana for a bit (maybe one day, maybe two, maybe three... maybe 10, I'll know when it is right). The committment to your teacher and to a traditional practice isn't that we turn off our monkey minds or question any less or follow blindly, it's much like the committments we make to ourselves. We make lots of them sure... some of them we discard immediately, some we just turn a blind eye to... some are actually a stepping stone to some real understanding. It's those last ones that we tend to be the most committed to and that's much like committing to a teacher and a practice. I hope that makes sense... it likely doesn't as I'm really tired (we don't often stay up til midnight...shocking I know.. I feel so hopelessly old). So, with my committment to myself, I am not practicing tomorrow. Monday I'll see how I feel and take it from there.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:17 PM
December 2, 2005
Half Slow
Last night The Husband had a late meeting so we didn't get a chance to talk at all. I was in bed before he got home. I had wanted to get his opinion on this practice/taking it slow issue after I got an email from Dr. Mike also advising me to take it easy. Determined, I set the alarm clock and then found myself awake at 6:05am. I hemmed and hawed, what should I do. I stretched a bit. My muscles still in rebellion after being asked to perform on Tuesday. I hemmed and hawed some more and finally The Husband stirred and asked what I was doing. He told me I shouldn't go, that I should just listen to the doctors and take it easy. In the end, I got out of bed at 6:26, threw on clothes, pushed my air back and ran into the car. On the way to practice I hemed and hawed some more and finally decided that I would practice but I would practice lightly. Then I had to work through what lightly meant. I decided that lightly meant no twists, no funky poses, no second series.
When I got on the mat my hamstrings were in full hatred mode. In fact, touching my ankles hurt like hell. I knew I needed to stretch it out but I also knew it was going to be an exercise in humility. I'd say it was around the 4th Surya Namaskara B that my hamstrings gave just a tad, not enough to be comfortable but at least enough that I could put my head on my shin. I was determined to focus on the breath rather than the practice itself. Standing was okay. I got my usual good morning adjustment, Tim asked me how I was doing, I said fine but that I had been admonished by the doctors that I needed to take it easy and that I could hurt myself even if I couldn't feel it. I was surprised that Ardha Badha Padmottanasana actually hurt today. My hip and hamstring just were not happy... generally a favorite posture of mine. It was then that I started debating whether I should do any seated postures. I'm not very good at doing things "halfway." I'm very much a black and white person. It's this way or that, on or off, black or white. My practice is to Ustrasana and I'm not very good at "stopping" early. It's the Virgo in me, I suppose. I did move on to seated poses... my body was not happy, my breath was good though a bit shallow. As I neared the Maris I decided if I was really going to have the discipline to take it easy and not give over to my usual black and white self, then I needed to skip twists... this meant Mari C and D. So I decided that being true to Ashtanga I should end my practice there. It felt very wierd and incomplete to finish there. Not even doing Navasana. As I had been practicing I could feel the gentle pull on the left side, the feeling of "Yea, that's in there and I probably over did it the other day." I felt good that I had the ability to stop myself... like that was an accomplishment in and of itself. Maybe that's just brainwashing but for the moment, it's how I'm getting through.
When I got in the car after practice, my new director called... 8am.... two days in a row... I don't even work there yet... BUT when I explained (and I haven't explained it here, long story) about the possibility of Maya Tulum this year, he said we could possibly work something out, we'd have to see. Not totally inflexible! Not sure if it is possible regardless but we'll see.
Tiffany and I finally saw each other at practice today... and she gave me a lovely card which made me smile. She mentioned how wierd it is that we can feel like we know someone via a blog but how we really don't know each other. The funny thing is, people actually probably do know a lot about me via this blog. I'm pretty honest on it... of course, I don't write about everything, that would be boring and impossible but it's a fairly good snapshot of the type of person I am.
Tonight is the holiday party for the new firm... should be interesting since The Husband and I will know no one.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:59 AM | Comments (4)