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November 23, 2005
It Really Is All About Yoga
I hate to say it but the truth is, through this job process, the first thing on my mind was not my family, our financial situation, our anyone else's needs but my own. The first thing on my mind was that I was going to suddenly be living a completely unyoga friendly life... and, yet, I know tons of great yogis with soul in their practice that are doctors and business people, and school teachers... I know this guy, he's one of the most tech geeks I know. At the height of what I consider the top guys in the world of Office platform development (Okay, so I know a few people I work with and amongst found this blog, but I promise it won't become about tech!) to be at, he up and walked away and decided to become what is the equivalent of, I guess, a priest, in the JW religious organization. In so many ways, I am so jealous of him... In many ways I wish I could walk away and live my days surrounded in yoga (not that it's a religion but I do believe that all religion is just that thing that makes you tick.. my tick and yours are as different as our love for cheescake or desert (and certainly no one has to guess what side of that tick I'm on)).
What's great about pressing and incredibly stressful situations such as choosing amongst 3 fantastically wonderful offers (and realizing that a reputation you've actually strived for over the past 15 years really is there) is that you are finally presented with something that forces you out of your box... you know, the one you've sat in and stared at the walls and you know all their nooks and crannies, you may not master how to get out but you definitely have the beginnings of a mental mapping)... These situations force you to take a look outside yourself and realize all the ways you've fallen into the trap of ego. It's great... it can be totally refreshing, scary, all-knowing, definitive and horrific all at the same time... change is truly the vehicle which makes us grow and learn and that includes not realizing that yoga is not the two hours on the mat.... yoga is the presence we bring into the boardroom, in front of all those big wigs, the self-confidence and right thinking that might change the world slowly.
I'm having an especially hard time dealing with knowing in my mind that I should not practice right now and demanding more from my body. I'm not in daily pain now so the idea that I should just go full bore is niggling there at the edge of the abyss. Somewhere I understand that the internal sutures will not be "solid" until 6 weeks and no matter that I can't feel them, they are there. That's one of those things that I think must be certainly triply hard if one were to have prophylactic mastectomies without the nipple sparing procedure... 'cause then you'd see something everyday that reminds you of this journey you went through... but really, on the outside, I look exactly the same and so the memory is a little more dim and fuzzy and I forget that this journey is even't 1/2 a year old yet. Along with my yoga life and work life (really the two things I do on the 'Net anymore), I get daily updates now from women of FORCE who have undergone the same procedure that really could revolutionze the reconstructive options for women facing losing a breast... we talk about the effects on our lives, the naysayers about this procedure, how we can help get the message out about just how remarkably different this procedure is. I saw this car on the road yesterday, the license plate said "BC SURVR" and I thought "Woah...." To a certain extent I feel like I'm living this tightline between wanting to really get into the CAUSE of breast cancer and, in particular, hereditary syndrome, genetic testing and prophylactic surgery as an option... and really just wanting to be done with it. I did it. I fucking did this really hard thing and I feel good with it and I feel done with it... it's been something that has been there, lingering and lurking and breathing on me for 10 years now. Something the very first genetic counselor, back when saying genetic counseling was almost a bad word, told me I should consider way back then. Since that moment there was never a question for me. I never had a single doubt that, when it was time, this was what I would do. Not one. Hell, I was on the local evening news as the "wierd" one that wanted to know the results and would likely *gasp* remove my breasts. No really I was, I had this short little bob and wore this incredibly stuffy, frilly Ann Taylor dress for it... I can't believe it was ever me. This journey, from short little bob/Ann Taylor suitee to who I am today has, in large part, been shaped by the last 10 years and I'm ready to end it and move on. In many ways this new job is probably just as much a symbol of that... it's change and fresh starts and all the things we human need in our lives to find our way. It's a fine tightrope to walk...
And, now, I'm officially feeling sorry for myself and opening the wine, having chocolate (let me say that I was so proud, when the chef and his wife (yes I know just better phrasing), they were looking for chocolate... I proceeded to open 5 cupboards all that had some chocolate in them and the wife says 'Gee you really DO have chocolate!') and watching mindless television. It's all unyogic and horrible for the body both spiritually and physically but, you know what, tonight I'm going to be a mindless slug... I can't be anything else.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:00 PM | Comments (2)
Signed, Sealed and Scanned
Yesterday when I said that I 'for all intents' accepted the in office job, the 'all intents' meant that I a) had turned down in office job #2 and b) had officially given my notice. I knew, however, that I still had the work at home job out there, it was my safety net, my panic button, the red phone in the office. Last night, The Husband and I sat down and talked. I've been through it all here on my blog before, the financials, the niche programming thing, etc. In the end, it just made sense to really sign the paperwork. I knew this morning would be a tough day, I had to deal with the loose ends at the current employer and let work at home firm know the decision. The company takeover for The Husband's company was official on Monday and we are still sorting through what the takeover means to him personally... I had/have some reservations that suddenly I would take an in office job and BOOM, he'll be told he has to be in an office too. How we'd survive that, I don't know. So, I was pretty surprised to get an email from the work at home manager that he'd read my blog and assumed from it that I would be accepting the other offer. I have frequently said that I do not censor my writing here... I mean, of course, sometimes I don't say things to protect someone else's privacy but I have never not said anything to protect my own privacy. I know all about whatchamacallit who was fired from her job due to things said on her personal blog. I guess I just never really worried over who might be reading, afterall, how much yoga can really hold the average non-yogi's attention?
The truth of the matter is that this blog was never really a yoga blog. It started off on a much different journey and as yoga has slowly changed my heart, it has changed this blog. We all know that our yoga isn't about the physical performance and, in my ways, the practice of blogging is a greater lesson than my time on the mat.... it takes great will and great care to put all your thoughts and feelings out there. Hell, there's more people in this world than I ever care to know who now know I have completely fake breasts! As I've said before, though, this blog has given me the power over myself... the power to know that I'm just me, take it or leave it, love it or not.. this is who I am and all the wonderful little sometimes-lame, sometimes-insightful thoughts that go through my little befuddled mind.
So, that said, when I got an IM right after the email from a coworker letting me know he was told I was leaving and that he had ideas for the "next version" of my project, I almost laughed myself out of my chair and since I'd now officially burned the bridge with Offers#1 and #3, well, I figured it was probably time to actually make it official...
Immediately my social calendar filled up! I have a Holiday Party on December 2nd, one on the 9th, one on the 16th... not to mention a client meeting where an actual suit is required... I suppose it's time to go shopping! I haven't purchased a suit in 10 years... and I'm no fashion maven (I live in flip flops)... I'm good at picking out yoga clothes... perhaps that will help!
I also realized today that this month makes my official 1 year of practicing Mysore style... one YEAR and now I'm setting myself up for yet more change... as Don said though..it is exciting... new things, new challenges, new places to grow. I can only become a better person, with more insight and knowledge...
And what I realized after all of this went down today is that, somewhere, I feel a certain amount of center and when I get that feeling, normally, everything turns out pretty good.
I was hoping to practice tomorrow but I'm a little worried... I really don't feel physically ready yet but, at the same time, I need to get back to my mat... I've only got a few weeks left of the luxury of practice before I have to worry about when and where I can make it....
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:02 PM | Comments (1)