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November 16, 2005
Shiver
So, hopefully Angel will forward this post onto D, who needs the cheer to get her mind off the lump she has found in her breast. I figure D doesn't read here anymore... I think only one or two of those that remember the inception of this blog (which used to be something else, then something else and then finally facing inward) are still reading. Gone are the days of talking about breastfeeding, homebirthing, my efforts at being crunchy granola. In fact, I feel more and more at the opposite end of the spectrum... *GASP* Have I SOLD OUT? Oh right, right, right.... I know, I just found more balance.
So for D.... Who the hell can't like Maroon5? You know, when you are a young girl, it didn't really matter that Shawn Cassiday wasn't exactly Mr. Talent. It didn't really matter that Leif Garrett couldn't really sing.. all that really mattered was that they were hot, their picture was starting at you from the 15" paper poster on your wall and you were 15. (Once I saw Rick Springfield at the movie theater... I said "I used to have your posters ALL over my walls!" He was with his two kids and his wife, I bet that made him feel just great). But, Maroon5, I have no idea what the hell those dudes look like, I just really like their music. I know, I know, Angel and DJM are rolling their eyes wanting to puke in the corner right now but it's one of those things like that one Madonna song you actually sorta know the words to (come on, you know you have one... okay maybe not DJM). Maroon5 isn't really the typical band I'd like but I do. Not only are the lyrics great, the tunes catchy, the right mixture of funky, rocky, whatevery but it's also probably the only music I can remember in a long time that is sexy. I'm pretty sure The Husband knows that if he hears me blaring Maroon5, there's a good chance he's gettin' lucky. I'd think I was a freak but I know that D feels the same way ;)
I've spent an insane amount of money and time over the past couple of days doing "party stuff" -- Damn, I don't think I've ever actually had an adult party before. Sure, we've had large family dinners but that's different than an actual party for adults. After the alcohol yesterday (and, by the way, I decided on the mixers because I really do not want to have to worry about whether the pitcher is full or not, refilling it, making more, etc. My whole purpose in paying an arm and a leg for a chef was so that The Husband and I are partying, not hosting.... I'm sure we'll be doing some of that but having a self-serve bar released us from having to worry about anything but making sure the empty containers find the trash), today I went and bought paper plates, tonic water (did I need a lot of that or a little?), coke (okay, I couldn't believe I did this but I went for the cheap stuff at Target, it was half the price and, well, I don't really drink soda so I have no idea if you can tell a difference... I decided, in the end, if it tastes horrible, just add more hard alcohol), water and a host of other things stacked up in the corner over here... It's going to be really fun.
It would possibly be a bit funner if I wasn't completely and totally wrapped up, confused, completely clueless and otherwise totally and absolutely monkey minded about this job situation. What do I DOOOOO? Can't someone wave a magic wand and just make the answer appear before me? If I had time on the mat would it just come? Could there be any worse a time for me to not have time for practice? What a year this has been... If I go into an office, is my seemingly simple, luxurious life over? Will I be on the groan track that I've resisted for so long? Would I really resent and become angry over it? On the other hand, it's 1/2 mile away... how bad can it be... it's not like they'll have a lock and chain on me, I'm assuming grown professionals actually have some leeway for each other in the work field... getting dressed up for a change might be nice... they'll still give me the flexibility to maintain a regular practice, 3 days with Tim, 2-3 days somewhere else.. is that horrible? Do I really want to give up my practice as it is? Is it giving up my practice as it is? Shouldn't I be able to just practice at home and it be a practice? Is it necessary for me to be at my studio everyday... is 3 days a week just plain enough? Is it really fair to my family to, in large part, be so worried about yoga that I'm forgetting everything else? Do I owe it, in some respects, to my family to take one this responsibility, earn a bit more money and allow my husband and kids to have and do some things they've wanted to do but we couldn't justify/afford? I mean, while furnishing our bedroom doesn't matter to me, I know it has been bothering The Husband for awhile. We literally have a bed in our room and we've lived here 10 years. We've never furnished our "living room" and I know he'd really like to. The man subscribes to Architectural Digest and Metropolitan Home... it's his thing, KWIM? The Husband has been nothing but supportive and willing to brunt the burden for quite some time so I could be home with the kids (remember I work full-time now but that is recent, I only worked 10 hours a week when the kids were real little)... In some regards I want to give him the gift of doing something he loves after everything he's given me. He'd love to take a surf trip but, instead, he let me save for Maya Tulum. He never batted an eye when the subject of this surgery changed from a local doctor/hospital to one 3,000 miles away causing us to have to pay for airfare, hotel reservations, meals, etc. for an extended period of time nor when I insisted my mother have her own room so I'd have my space.... When it really comes down to it, on the one hand I feel this obligation to be a somewhat equally contributing partner in my marriage and, on the other, my fear that my practice will go to shit and I'll be so overwhelmed without the current complete flexibility that it won't be worth having given the gift?
Did you see that complete and utter monkey mind dump? THAT is in my head right now 24/7... various versions of it, sometimes it changes a bit, sometimes it is exactly the same.... I always walk away with "I just don't know."
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:05 PM | Comments (9)