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November 30, 2005
Patient Parenting
Tonight The Husband had to go to a Mighty Ducks (or something) game so the kids and I were on our own. I took them to ToysRUs in the hopes of getting something of a Yule list going... The Son seems to want nothing but a GameCube. The child walked the aisles of TRU and literally put two things on his list... of course, The Daughter's list could be 50 miles long with everything from a talking Blue Clue's dog (she hasn't had any interest in Blue's Clues in years to her very own computer (yea right)). After that fun stuff, I told the kids they could pick where to eat with the exception of fast food. I wasn't surprised that they picked Red *Groan* Robin. The entire time we were at RR, a mother was next to us with her two small children. Two boys, I'd guess 5 and 2 or somewhere thereabouts. From the moment we got there until just before we left I overhead this parent parenting her youngest child. The child wanted to eat all the french fries and she had told him that he could have more after finishing his hamburger. I listened as she repeatedly gave him his options, as she calmly told him hitting wasn't an option, as she helped her elder son understand the situation.... and I watched the judgmental looks from the people next to her, the young couple sit down and roll their eyes... and then I listened to the commentaries after she left, carrying a child literally screaming at the top of his lungs on her hip. When I had more patience as a parent and my children were a bit younger, I could picture myself in that situation... so when we exited the restaurant and I saw the mother, sitting calmly in the doorway of the passenger seating of her car, waiting the tantrum out, I decided to say something. After getting my own kids in the car and safely strapped in, I pulled up next to her and called out "Excuse me." I could see the trepidation as she walked over and I said "You know, I just wanted to tell you great job in there. It's really hard when something like that is happening, people are giving you dirty looks and you maintained your cool. I just wanted to tell you that I think you did an awesome job." She put her hand to her heart and said "You know I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you." I nearly cried when I drove away.
I didn't go to practice this morning. It was a calculated move. I emailed my doctor yesterday about my practice and how I didn't "feel" anything except in Pasasana and backbends but that I wondered, given that it hasn't been 3 weeks yet, if I could injure myself without feeling it. He responded that I needed to take it slow, that I could rip out the sutures holding the left side in (where the problem was). So, I decided not to practice... and my body is paying the price of yesterday anyway. I think I'm going to practice tomorrow, I'm not sure how to mitigate the "going slow" part...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:52 PM | Comments (5)
The Day After
As I figured, through previous experience, yesterday was amazing but today is the day of "well, gee, haven't used THAT muscle in awhile." The muscles are from mid-neck on down to my thighs. For anyone that doesn't believe you are really using muscles in ashtanga yoga, just take a few weeks off then go back full bore ('cause everyone who knows me knows I could never go just halfway)... it's a lovely feeling. At least I know I used some bandhas because it hurts to roll over in the bed :)
Today I'm having lots and lots of nerve regeneration pain on my right side. It SUCKS.
Today I'm having buyer's remorse. I have this party to go to on Friday and I need to hide the tattoos and EVERYTHING in the stores right now is sleeveless... which normally I like. I finally found this beautiful silk tunic that is this beautiful Indian orange color... but it cost, well, a lot. I decided to get it anyway and I'm now I'm feeling like a schmuck for spending so much money on a shirt.
I finally started shopping for Yule. I have no imagination for it this year... no idea what to get for anyone. It's not that I feel bah humbug but I just have no drive for gifts this year. I was reading through past blog entires where I made cookies and whatnot for the neighbors at this time of year... where did that person go?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:44 AM | Comments (1)
November 29, 2005
The Easy Day
All the cards were stacked against me for yoga this morning.
A. I really probably shouldn't be doing much yoga given that my doctor says the collagen (whatever that is) isn't "solid" until 6 weeks.
B. I went to bed on time but The Husband has been snoring lately and then The Daughter came into bed, kicked the covers off all night long then finally at 3am decided she needed them and proceeded to wake the entire bed up trying to find them. In other words, I had no sleep.
C. I got up late but ate some yogurt anyway.
D. The phone rang, my niece made another "mistake" and I needed to talk to her... it was nearing 8:30 so I finally told her I'd come get her after yoga and we'd go to lunch.
E. I was then late so I knew if I had to take The Daughter to school, I'd never make it. The Husband graciously offered to do it.
F. Then I realized my car was COMPLETELY out of gas.
I put in $5 of gas at the nearest gas station and made it to yoga. When I got there Kiran and a couple other people were standing outside. Then I notice that my best friend's wife (BFW) was there today! What a surprise. I tried to introduce her to a few people but I messed up one guy's name because I had Kiran's husband's name stuck in my head for some reason... then I felt bad.
It seemed like today was the day in the studio for everyone to hem and haw over starting. Usually at least one or two people come in, throw their mat down and get down to it but today people were chatting and whatnot and I couldn't decide if I wanted to be there. I mean I really WANTED to be there but I knew I wasn't in for something amazingly wonderful spiritually or physically. In the end, I knew it was about discipline so I stood on the front of my mat and was the first one to begin.
Surprisingly, I had a wonderful, absolutely wonderful practice. Uttanasana was no big deal from the first one which is surprising since I haven't done any yoga for 3 weeks I guess. I was even able to do vinyasa (still without a chatarunga, not sure when, if ever, that will come back) though I did not attempt jump throughs... I really wanted to but I told myself that would be pure stupidity so I willed myself to not try them. Though sun salutations and the first standing poses were fine (I knew Tim wouldn't adjust me much but I have to say I really, really missed my usual and regular morning adjustment in Parivritta Trikonasana)... I was really nervous when I got to Prasarita C because that was sorta the doorway last recovery period. I was pleasantly happy when there was nothing associated with it, no fear, no pain, no holding back.. in fact, it felt good. When I stood up Tim asked "So, how is it?" I said "No pain!" My hips were surprisingly happy in Hanumanasana today... in fact, I didn't even need to use my hands at all. I guess that practicing with The Daughter is paying off. As I moved through seated I wondered if I should stop at Navasana.... I was feeling fine and there was no pain. I didn't want to strain myself or overdo it but I decided I was so happy I was going to keep going. I was having thought during my practice today.. how could I not but I was also have decidely perfect moments of blissful breathing. In the end, I was stunned to find that I could bind in Supta Kurmasana this morning without help... granted it was a pretty slippery grasp of the fingers but it was there and without the pain in my sternum I had been feeling pre-second surgery. I wonder if the scar tissue the doctor found really was the cause of that pain. I really, really enjoyed Konasana today... I would have stayed down there forever if I could have. By the end of first series I decided I was going to go ahead with my second series poses.... and I decided I wasn't going to use anything under the heels for Pasasana... if I could bind in SuptaK, then I should be able to bind Pasasana... I did. It was tentative and my heels were definitely further off the ground than in the past but bound and twisted all the same. I felt a bit of pulling in the external side of my breast in this pose... bordering the feeling of "Yea, probably shouldn't be doing this." After Pasasana I had a hard time remembering the sequence! It's only been 3 weeks but 3 weeks filled with all kinds of things in the brain. Krounchasana felt wonderful, my leg was fully straight and it was an exhilerating high while doing it... Tim helped me in Bhekasana as I just couldn't get my chest off the ground, too much pull through the sides since you are also pushing your heels down... The only place that it really really hurt was in backbends. I did all 6 but they weren't pleasant and I decided against dropbacks today... there was a definite uncomfortable pull through the incision on the left side.
Of course, today is the blissful back on the mat day... tomorrow and subsequent days will be the grunt work of getting back to the practice.
Yesterday I emailed my new director and jokingly made reference to scheduling some meetings in San Francisco during Guruji's tour :) I then had to explain why I'd ask that... man, the guy must think I'm a freak already. But, who knows, put it out there and it might manifest. In the very least I'll take a day off and go for a Sunday/Monday deal.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:08 AM | Comments (1)
November 27, 2005
No Really It's True
The truth is, I am completely obsessed over this office thing. It's just that, well, for this once, in Vanessa's similar vein, fuck it, I just deserve to wallow. Yea, it's just a kicker, gee, wonder if I haven't practiced in two weeks (which seems like a friggin month). But wallow I am. In many ways this decision is something that is throwing a wrench into everything I held as a permanent in my life. I've mentioned before how, as the years have gone by, many, many, many of the things that we've always said we'd never do (Gameboy ring any bells?) but, I guess, somewhere, part of the absolute core of what I believed lived the idea that I'd be home with my kids until they were grown. As time has moved on I think I have gotten some notion that they are so "grown up" already just because they don't need their diapers changed (yes, I used cloth, I obsess over every decision), the milk has all dried up (yes, I used to be a judgmental breastfeeding mother) and the joyful anticipation of giving birth at home (somewhere in this blog there are links to the story and I think pictures *gasp*)... but the truth is that I know in my heart that the "growing up" til now has been the easy part... and so this decision rocks me to my core... it's not like choosing which yoga class to go to or whether to actually remember to turn the alarm on... or even like choosing a school for them to go to... it's like one of those decisions that rattles the very cage of everything you think you held dear and how suddenly can you simply turn 180 degrees in the other direction? In almost every way, getting married, deciding to have a child... those were all easier than this decision and I think only parents out there will realize why. And I don't necessarily mean that in the sense of parents who have someone at home but rather any belief that we, as individual parents, hold dear to our journey through this life. Yea, so, whatever, I'm dwelling... and I imagine, like all else, in 6 months I won't remember what my life was like before... just like, today, I can't freakin' IMAGINE what people without two kids does... one kid, I sorta remember some of that... no kids... Geez Louise can you even imagine what one could do if one had everyday all day to themselves? Good God, it makes my head spin to try and think of what I could have possibly done in those days. Blows my mind.
The other night I was laying on the floor stretching .I might as well just own up to the fact that I'm always stretching, the other day I thought that perhaps I had some sort of ADD because I simply don't stop moving... always stretching, always shifting a little this way or that if it is unacceptable to touch one's head to the knees like in line at the store or something. I began to this really sharp horrific pain on the side of one breast. The only way to describe it is that it was the first time that I actually sank to my knees and cried it hurt so bad. It lasted about 2 seconds then went away... then came back about 4 or 5 times... I could feel it tingling between each one but not to the horrible pain during those few "climaxes." If I haven't said it before and I think I have, nerve regeneration freakin' HURTS. It's scarily close to the pain of giving birth naturally... you just can't describe that and I truly believe it is this shared spiritual continum between those that have given birth.
Hey, that was nice... I just got a phone call from The Neighbor. The one I mentioned at my part if you read about that the other day. She just called to chat... I'm not "very good on the phone" so I always find that when someone calls to chat it really pushes my edges of social relations. In many ways when you see one of those edges and work with it, it's very much like asana.
Dwelling... and I've decided to give up all sweets after tonight... why? I need the discipline of something.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:13 PM | Comments (2)
November 25, 2005
VOSSI
I got my moon yesterday... man, what a damn crappy moon. NOW I know what yoga does for me... I'm chaotic, hormonal and utterly a complete bitch. I kid you not. My husband must be a man of such integrity for he surely has put up with my scowling face, backhanded nicks for a fight and absolute inability to find pleasure in anything. We had to go to the in laws for Thanksgiving which turned out to be really great. The Los Angeles Brother In Law/Italian Wine collector, made tapas (yes, very unconventional but what the hell) as an excuse to do a wine tasting... 3 Whites (actually one Spanish, one Italian and one French) with seared tuna and olive tappenade crostini (handmade tappenade)... then 3 Rose' (don't go thinking what I thought, a finely chilled light red can be simply amazing... he's really turned us on to that idea) with Chickpea and Spinach empannadas (all handmade). Let's just say that by dinner, none of us cared that we were switching to a $7.99 bottle of Big House Red (gotta love Bonnie Doon but let's face it, Big House Red isn't a comparison when you've been drinking super expensive, highly complex (did that sound official?) wines all afternoon). So, it was no large surprise that I woke up with a hangover the size of Manhattan, a feeling I hadn't had in quite a long time and would have been happy to do without. Motrin, Vitamin Water, finally a double mocha later I had it in me to take a nap and my husband had endured the finest day of Julie Bitchdom in a long time.
I grumbled through making soup for dinner, instructed everyone they probably shouldn't talk to me and then tried miserably to feel some comfort in a downward dog which, quite clearly, didn't work. That's when it is time to take a bath. I couldn't decide on music so I decided to put on the shuffle we made for the party the other night and let random happen. It's funny... we spent so much time on the shuffle for the party, it was quite eclectic actually. We both went through and decided which songs in the aresenal were "good enough" for a party shuffle. My bath started with Love Conquers All (ABC) -- way way too happy... then some wierd stuff came on that was clearly The Husband's music, stuff I listen to and just don't get at all... and then I got bored and flicked through the list myself... I stopped when I came to Aimee Man/Save Me. I had been cruising through the list so fast, making mental calcluations and quick judments as to which songs I would even entertain... and that one caused me to pause so I played it.
You know when you've got a song that just evokes your mood? That was how I felt... and it 'caused me to discover a couple things. I'm actually worried about other mothers judging me to be a horrible mother for going back into an office. There aren't many of them around here and, let's be honest, we all know the judgment at school drop-off exists. It sucks, but it does. I get myself bogged down in worrying over this decision to go back into an office and I'm just clueless. On the other hand, I really like using my brain. I'm actually quite smart and often wonder why this takes people by surprise... like, for whatever reason, they assume I'm incapable of being really smart... it's always quite fun to say "I'm a software developer." I don't even know if I'd have called myself that up until recently... when it dawned on me that even though I work from home and I develop applications for law firms which isn't exactly the most glamorous of jobs, I'm still architecting, designing and coding software applications. I also realized that I know a few people in my life who will automatically judge or think or whatever PC way to say form a quick opinion the fact that I'm going back to the business world at all... I'm a sell out... financially motivated and ready for a Culture Jammers sticker on my forehead. Maybe I am. I hope though that I'm different than I was the last time that I put on adult clothes every morning and headed for an office... I'm hoping that I have more calm, more center, more knowledge of the self and what's important. That's a mighty loft hope, isn't it!
My new favorite treat is VOSSI sparkling water. You know, it's the glass bottle Norway water you get at hotels like The W (those uber hip swanky hotels that I absolutely love!).
You look like a perfect fit
For a girl in need of a tourniquet
But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
'Cause I can tell
You know what it's like
The long farewell of the hunger strike
You struck me dumb like radium
Like Peter Pan or Superman
C'mon and save me
Why don't you save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks who could never love anyone
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:47 PM | Comments (4)
November 23, 2005
It Really Is All About Yoga
I hate to say it but the truth is, through this job process, the first thing on my mind was not my family, our financial situation, our anyone else's needs but my own. The first thing on my mind was that I was going to suddenly be living a completely unyoga friendly life... and, yet, I know tons of great yogis with soul in their practice that are doctors and business people, and school teachers... I know this guy, he's one of the most tech geeks I know. At the height of what I consider the top guys in the world of Office platform development (Okay, so I know a few people I work with and amongst found this blog, but I promise it won't become about tech!) to be at, he up and walked away and decided to become what is the equivalent of, I guess, a priest, in the JW religious organization. In so many ways, I am so jealous of him... In many ways I wish I could walk away and live my days surrounded in yoga (not that it's a religion but I do believe that all religion is just that thing that makes you tick.. my tick and yours are as different as our love for cheescake or desert (and certainly no one has to guess what side of that tick I'm on)).
What's great about pressing and incredibly stressful situations such as choosing amongst 3 fantastically wonderful offers (and realizing that a reputation you've actually strived for over the past 15 years really is there) is that you are finally presented with something that forces you out of your box... you know, the one you've sat in and stared at the walls and you know all their nooks and crannies, you may not master how to get out but you definitely have the beginnings of a mental mapping)... These situations force you to take a look outside yourself and realize all the ways you've fallen into the trap of ego. It's great... it can be totally refreshing, scary, all-knowing, definitive and horrific all at the same time... change is truly the vehicle which makes us grow and learn and that includes not realizing that yoga is not the two hours on the mat.... yoga is the presence we bring into the boardroom, in front of all those big wigs, the self-confidence and right thinking that might change the world slowly.
I'm having an especially hard time dealing with knowing in my mind that I should not practice right now and demanding more from my body. I'm not in daily pain now so the idea that I should just go full bore is niggling there at the edge of the abyss. Somewhere I understand that the internal sutures will not be "solid" until 6 weeks and no matter that I can't feel them, they are there. That's one of those things that I think must be certainly triply hard if one were to have prophylactic mastectomies without the nipple sparing procedure... 'cause then you'd see something everyday that reminds you of this journey you went through... but really, on the outside, I look exactly the same and so the memory is a little more dim and fuzzy and I forget that this journey is even't 1/2 a year old yet. Along with my yoga life and work life (really the two things I do on the 'Net anymore), I get daily updates now from women of FORCE who have undergone the same procedure that really could revolutionze the reconstructive options for women facing losing a breast... we talk about the effects on our lives, the naysayers about this procedure, how we can help get the message out about just how remarkably different this procedure is. I saw this car on the road yesterday, the license plate said "BC SURVR" and I thought "Woah...." To a certain extent I feel like I'm living this tightline between wanting to really get into the CAUSE of breast cancer and, in particular, hereditary syndrome, genetic testing and prophylactic surgery as an option... and really just wanting to be done with it. I did it. I fucking did this really hard thing and I feel good with it and I feel done with it... it's been something that has been there, lingering and lurking and breathing on me for 10 years now. Something the very first genetic counselor, back when saying genetic counseling was almost a bad word, told me I should consider way back then. Since that moment there was never a question for me. I never had a single doubt that, when it was time, this was what I would do. Not one. Hell, I was on the local evening news as the "wierd" one that wanted to know the results and would likely *gasp* remove my breasts. No really I was, I had this short little bob and wore this incredibly stuffy, frilly Ann Taylor dress for it... I can't believe it was ever me. This journey, from short little bob/Ann Taylor suitee to who I am today has, in large part, been shaped by the last 10 years and I'm ready to end it and move on. In many ways this new job is probably just as much a symbol of that... it's change and fresh starts and all the things we human need in our lives to find our way. It's a fine tightrope to walk...
And, now, I'm officially feeling sorry for myself and opening the wine, having chocolate (let me say that I was so proud, when the chef and his wife (yes I know just better phrasing), they were looking for chocolate... I proceeded to open 5 cupboards all that had some chocolate in them and the wife says 'Gee you really DO have chocolate!') and watching mindless television. It's all unyogic and horrible for the body both spiritually and physically but, you know what, tonight I'm going to be a mindless slug... I can't be anything else.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:00 PM | Comments (2)
Signed, Sealed and Scanned
Yesterday when I said that I 'for all intents' accepted the in office job, the 'all intents' meant that I a) had turned down in office job #2 and b) had officially given my notice. I knew, however, that I still had the work at home job out there, it was my safety net, my panic button, the red phone in the office. Last night, The Husband and I sat down and talked. I've been through it all here on my blog before, the financials, the niche programming thing, etc. In the end, it just made sense to really sign the paperwork. I knew this morning would be a tough day, I had to deal with the loose ends at the current employer and let work at home firm know the decision. The company takeover for The Husband's company was official on Monday and we are still sorting through what the takeover means to him personally... I had/have some reservations that suddenly I would take an in office job and BOOM, he'll be told he has to be in an office too. How we'd survive that, I don't know. So, I was pretty surprised to get an email from the work at home manager that he'd read my blog and assumed from it that I would be accepting the other offer. I have frequently said that I do not censor my writing here... I mean, of course, sometimes I don't say things to protect someone else's privacy but I have never not said anything to protect my own privacy. I know all about whatchamacallit who was fired from her job due to things said on her personal blog. I guess I just never really worried over who might be reading, afterall, how much yoga can really hold the average non-yogi's attention?
The truth of the matter is that this blog was never really a yoga blog. It started off on a much different journey and as yoga has slowly changed my heart, it has changed this blog. We all know that our yoga isn't about the physical performance and, in my ways, the practice of blogging is a greater lesson than my time on the mat.... it takes great will and great care to put all your thoughts and feelings out there. Hell, there's more people in this world than I ever care to know who now know I have completely fake breasts! As I've said before, though, this blog has given me the power over myself... the power to know that I'm just me, take it or leave it, love it or not.. this is who I am and all the wonderful little sometimes-lame, sometimes-insightful thoughts that go through my little befuddled mind.
So, that said, when I got an IM right after the email from a coworker letting me know he was told I was leaving and that he had ideas for the "next version" of my project, I almost laughed myself out of my chair and since I'd now officially burned the bridge with Offers#1 and #3, well, I figured it was probably time to actually make it official...
Immediately my social calendar filled up! I have a Holiday Party on December 2nd, one on the 9th, one on the 16th... not to mention a client meeting where an actual suit is required... I suppose it's time to go shopping! I haven't purchased a suit in 10 years... and I'm no fashion maven (I live in flip flops)... I'm good at picking out yoga clothes... perhaps that will help!
I also realized today that this month makes my official 1 year of practicing Mysore style... one YEAR and now I'm setting myself up for yet more change... as Don said though..it is exciting... new things, new challenges, new places to grow. I can only become a better person, with more insight and knowledge...
And what I realized after all of this went down today is that, somewhere, I feel a certain amount of center and when I get that feeling, normally, everything turns out pretty good.
I was hoping to practice tomorrow but I'm a little worried... I really don't feel physically ready yet but, at the same time, I need to get back to my mat... I've only got a few weeks left of the luxury of practice before I have to worry about when and where I can make it....
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:02 PM | Comments (1)
November 22, 2005
Just Like P**p
Well, that's it, I did it. I don't know what the hell is going to become of my life and my yoga practice but I've officially gone 180 degrees the other direction... I gave my notice and, for all intents, accepted the in office job. Will I be okay? Can I do this? Will my family survive this change? Will my yoga practice?
I'm planning to make Thursday my first practice. My doctor told me today the incisions should be okay no matter that they don't feel okay. Is there class on Thursday?
Tonight we went to dinner... on the way home we were talking about the day The Daughter was born. We asked The Son if he remembered and he said he did. We were talking about how "Mommy yelled" and how it "sometimes hurts when a baby comes out of a mommy's belly" (sometimes! ha)... The Son proceeds to tell us how it must be like when the first piece of poop comes out... but once you get one piece out the rest is okay. We couldn't stop laughing. It was one of those kid moments when they have no idea what they've innocently said is hysterical and, us, the parents, are cracking up. Yea, just like that, honey. Pity his wife.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:06 PM | Comments (5)
November 21, 2005
Better Late Than Never, Better Safe Than Sorry
The Chef, Mark, came over to start cooking for the party at about 1pm. It was fantastic. I went about my deal and every now and again I'd hear an exclamation of delight from the kitchen or we'd have a 5 minute conversation about something. I found it interesting and sorta made me feel maybe I really do miss adult interaction since I have so little in my daily life that isn't all about the kids (i.e., setting up playdates, what's going on with school, etc.). Anyway, at one point Mark asked for some music and, of course, he's also an amazing musician. I, of course, am basically tone deaf. After nixing anything in the goth realm, a definitive no to Krishna Das and the like, I finally decided to play Dead Can Dance. In particular, I chose Spiritchaser... Mark loved it. If you don't know DCD, you should try it.
By the way, the party was great... I learned that I didn't need half the alcohol I bought, who knew given past parties on the street! I felt a bit too hurried even with the chef but it was very fun (even if I somehow jipped OKRGR out of 5 raffle tickets -- I figured it out, you put your items above the line, C below and I miscounted, you were even). It was interesting to see how the two disparate groups of people (yoga and neighbors) interacted and mingled.
Thinking about it, however, made me realize something... that, in some ways I really do think of my life as half yoga and then half the other stuff. The funny thing is that yoga comprises about 3 real hours of my day but it's always the presence on the shoulder even during the other 10 hours or so. I'm terrified to lose that complete absorption... taking an in office job means, to a certain extent, really walking up to the task of integrating yoga into real life... at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. The fact of the matter is, as much as Iv'e tried to fight it, I have the life of a householder in this life. I'm a wife and a mother and I have those responsibilities too. I think I'm starting to get used to the idea enough to recognize that this huge change is going to be okay. The fact of the matter is, if it totally sucks, well, I can put my mind to getting something different. So far, I've been able to do it when I need to do it. When I knew I needed to stay home with my kids, I thought it would be impossible to get a job from home. I did that. When I thought it would be impossible to work only 10-15 hours from home, doing my little thing, I found that too. When I thought it woudl be impossible to go back to work full-time, working only from home, I did that too. SO, if I do this thing and then it is horrible, I can change it. I've proven I can. Why can't I actually believe this isn't a death sentence?
One of the interesting facts from last night was from another yogini -- she told her husband she was going to walk on hot coals and he told her she was crazy. He went with her that night just to be there when she had the horrible burns and had to go to this hospital... he sat with her through the preparational meditations and what not... and then he walked ahead of her on the fire. Neither got burned. During the discussion, she said that you just had to KNOW you weren't going to get burned. That's the thing... I don't KNOW.
I've tried to stretch a bit today... it doesn't feel good. I really want to see my mat on Monday... but I'm in that between place where I don't know if the hurt is a safe hurt.
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I wrote the above on Saturday but didn't upload it from my laptop. I spent all day Sunday working on this contract job I have right now... and finding some wierd little bug with the Interop assemblies for Word 11. Always love those wierd little things that take me hours to figure out really aren't me and my brain.
I set the alarm for Mysore this morning... before going to bed I sat on the ground and did some stretching... forward bends were okay. Anything that required deep stretching on the front of my body hurt like hell. I attempted to do prep for backbends and felt this horrendously sharp owie on my right side..I actually thought I tore something. I tried downward dogs...just okay... but I left the alarm set. I hemmed and hawed... I really would like to go back to practice but I also realize that I'm asking a lot of my body..It's only been a week... I should be more kind. In the end, when the alarm went off, I chose to stay home. I need to be safe and the incisions feel wierd, raised and raw and sore. I am thinking of going tomorrow (I know what is a day, right?) I considered the intro class tonight...
I'm feeling better about the job thing. I am scared. I'm really scared but I think I can do this. I asked about my tattoos today...will they have to be covered all the time (guaranteeing me 5 days a week of long pants and long sleeve shirts). In the end, I'm not sure, will have to get a feel for the culture first.
I realized this morning that there are just a few short weeks left to Yule (we celebrate the Solstice)... The Son wants a GameCube. I've always said no but I'm finding less and less to dissuade me..afterall, he's got a Nintendo DS and a Gameboy, what's the difference. Actually, I LOVE video games so perhaps it is something we can do together after I "get home from work." We limit media time and this would just be another choice... but, I feel like I'm totally selling out... of everything I used to hold as a tenent of parenting.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:50 PM | Comments (2)
November 16, 2005
Shiver
So, hopefully Angel will forward this post onto D, who needs the cheer to get her mind off the lump she has found in her breast. I figure D doesn't read here anymore... I think only one or two of those that remember the inception of this blog (which used to be something else, then something else and then finally facing inward) are still reading. Gone are the days of talking about breastfeeding, homebirthing, my efforts at being crunchy granola. In fact, I feel more and more at the opposite end of the spectrum... *GASP* Have I SOLD OUT? Oh right, right, right.... I know, I just found more balance.
So for D.... Who the hell can't like Maroon5? You know, when you are a young girl, it didn't really matter that Shawn Cassiday wasn't exactly Mr. Talent. It didn't really matter that Leif Garrett couldn't really sing.. all that really mattered was that they were hot, their picture was starting at you from the 15" paper poster on your wall and you were 15. (Once I saw Rick Springfield at the movie theater... I said "I used to have your posters ALL over my walls!" He was with his two kids and his wife, I bet that made him feel just great). But, Maroon5, I have no idea what the hell those dudes look like, I just really like their music. I know, I know, Angel and DJM are rolling their eyes wanting to puke in the corner right now but it's one of those things like that one Madonna song you actually sorta know the words to (come on, you know you have one... okay maybe not DJM). Maroon5 isn't really the typical band I'd like but I do. Not only are the lyrics great, the tunes catchy, the right mixture of funky, rocky, whatevery but it's also probably the only music I can remember in a long time that is sexy. I'm pretty sure The Husband knows that if he hears me blaring Maroon5, there's a good chance he's gettin' lucky. I'd think I was a freak but I know that D feels the same way ;)
I've spent an insane amount of money and time over the past couple of days doing "party stuff" -- Damn, I don't think I've ever actually had an adult party before. Sure, we've had large family dinners but that's different than an actual party for adults. After the alcohol yesterday (and, by the way, I decided on the mixers because I really do not want to have to worry about whether the pitcher is full or not, refilling it, making more, etc. My whole purpose in paying an arm and a leg for a chef was so that The Husband and I are partying, not hosting.... I'm sure we'll be doing some of that but having a self-serve bar released us from having to worry about anything but making sure the empty containers find the trash), today I went and bought paper plates, tonic water (did I need a lot of that or a little?), coke (okay, I couldn't believe I did this but I went for the cheap stuff at Target, it was half the price and, well, I don't really drink soda so I have no idea if you can tell a difference... I decided, in the end, if it tastes horrible, just add more hard alcohol), water and a host of other things stacked up in the corner over here... It's going to be really fun.
It would possibly be a bit funner if I wasn't completely and totally wrapped up, confused, completely clueless and otherwise totally and absolutely monkey minded about this job situation. What do I DOOOOO? Can't someone wave a magic wand and just make the answer appear before me? If I had time on the mat would it just come? Could there be any worse a time for me to not have time for practice? What a year this has been... If I go into an office, is my seemingly simple, luxurious life over? Will I be on the groan track that I've resisted for so long? Would I really resent and become angry over it? On the other hand, it's 1/2 mile away... how bad can it be... it's not like they'll have a lock and chain on me, I'm assuming grown professionals actually have some leeway for each other in the work field... getting dressed up for a change might be nice... they'll still give me the flexibility to maintain a regular practice, 3 days with Tim, 2-3 days somewhere else.. is that horrible? Do I really want to give up my practice as it is? Is it giving up my practice as it is? Shouldn't I be able to just practice at home and it be a practice? Is it necessary for me to be at my studio everyday... is 3 days a week just plain enough? Is it really fair to my family to, in large part, be so worried about yoga that I'm forgetting everything else? Do I owe it, in some respects, to my family to take one this responsibility, earn a bit more money and allow my husband and kids to have and do some things they've wanted to do but we couldn't justify/afford? I mean, while furnishing our bedroom doesn't matter to me, I know it has been bothering The Husband for awhile. We literally have a bed in our room and we've lived here 10 years. We've never furnished our "living room" and I know he'd really like to. The man subscribes to Architectural Digest and Metropolitan Home... it's his thing, KWIM? The Husband has been nothing but supportive and willing to brunt the burden for quite some time so I could be home with the kids (remember I work full-time now but that is recent, I only worked 10 hours a week when the kids were real little)... In some regards I want to give him the gift of doing something he loves after everything he's given me. He'd love to take a surf trip but, instead, he let me save for Maya Tulum. He never batted an eye when the subject of this surgery changed from a local doctor/hospital to one 3,000 miles away causing us to have to pay for airfare, hotel reservations, meals, etc. for an extended period of time nor when I insisted my mother have her own room so I'd have my space.... When it really comes down to it, on the one hand I feel this obligation to be a somewhat equally contributing partner in my marriage and, on the other, my fear that my practice will go to shit and I'll be so overwhelmed without the current complete flexibility that it won't be worth having given the gift?
Did you see that complete and utter monkey mind dump? THAT is in my head right now 24/7... various versions of it, sometimes it changes a bit, sometimes it is exactly the same.... I always walk away with "I just don't know."
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:05 PM | Comments (9)
November 15, 2005
Yoga Accomplishments
So, even if I go to work in an office, I've made sure that all my prospective employers are aware that I'm scheduled to teach yoga at The Daughter's school from 12:30 to 1 on Fridays. The one thing I was missing was yoga mats for 15 kids and, frankly, with all my medical expenses this year, the traveling and whatnot, I simply couldn't afford to shell it out for myself. This morning I got the brainwave that I should ask companies if they would donate or wholesale them to me. The Daughter attends a non-profit school so I know that donations are tax deductible. I wrote a few emails and, lo and behold, WaiLana has offered to donate 15 Little Yogi mats. I can't tell you how beyond thrilled I am. Please, all my yoga friends, if you need to order yoga supplies and they have them, support this company. I had another company offer a wholesale discount but it still would have been quite expensive... WaiLana has come through and I couldn't be more happy that I can get this yoga program off the ground! How cool is that!
Today I went to purchase all the alcohol for the party... wow... I know NOTHING about alcohol. CostPlus had these "mixers" so I purchased the Cosmopolitan, Lemon Drop and Apple Martini versions... then I went to Trader Joes and bought 2 cases of wine (okay, plus a few extra for around the house), 3 bottles of Vodka, 1 bottle of Gin, 2 bottles of Rum and something else I can't remember and beer. I also purchased bar supplies like a shaker and a measuring thingy. When I was in line for the alcohol the Trader Joe's cashiers were laughing and said "What, having a party?" So I said I was and they said "Oh what's the party for?" I debated, mhmm... should I say what I'm calling the party (the "End of Cancer Freak Party")? Or should I do the more mellow "General Celebration" thing... in the end, this guy that used to work at TJ's in PB prior to our marriage showed up, haven't seen him in 10 years... and I told the whole story... the girls were so sweet... as I was walking out they gave me a whole bouqet of flowers....
Today... 15 Little Yogi Mats and a thing of flowers... not bad for a moon day.
As for post op progress... well... I don't know. I'm good, don't get me wrong... but the "tack" does hurt and wearing a bra sucks (scrapes the incision lines) and not wearing one sucks (too much gravity).... but I'm doing pretty much everything normal, just no weight on the left side.
Kiran..did you get my msg.. your mailbox is full... clean it out woman!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:47 PM | Comments (5)
November 14, 2005
This Vessel of Life
Today was one of those wierd days... I found out this morning that my raise, promised months ago, would still not reflect this week. I am so discouraged, everyday. I wonder what frame of mind that puts me in when I look at these offers on the table. Am I being motivated by money? Am I just being stupid for giving up the amount I make now with complete flexibility? Will my lifestyle, my practice survive an office job? Will I hate myself for giving up post-practice coffee, school pick-ups, gymnastics (She did a WALK OVER today people and a perfect two footed handstand without a wall).... I am so confused. An office job actually sounds like fun too. I mean, truth be told, I'm sitting here doing fricking lame ass boring work. There's no excitement to it, the climax is gone, the architecture written and now it is just a matter of the lame, day to day, rote programming. I'm having a really hard time figuring it out. I think one thing then the fear sets in about the other thing.
I ended up self medicating and taking a bath.... I was hoping that the hot water would help relieve the pain/pressure on the left breast "tacked" side. I've done without a bra all day and I think that gravity was just too much. The bra, however, hurts like a mother on the incision line so I can't decide which is worse. As I took a bath and realized that maybe I shouldn't be taking a bath not even 7 days post op, the incisions still have steri strips on them (you doctors, can you soak them?)... I decided that I should try to keep them out so I arched back, nice visual, eh? That's when I realized that I simply don't appreciate this body, this vessel as much as I should. Here I am, 4 days post-op and angry with my body that it is in pain. Good God, if I actually stop and think about what I've done to my body in the past 5 months it is truly amazing. I was thankless, to an extent, when I was able to get back to my practice at 8 weeks. Thankless because I was angry that it was 8 weeks at all. Surprisingly, this time, I'm not angry about my practice... I know, this time, that it will all come back with time. I am, however, angry about the pain. It's not even that much pain. It's minimal discomfort at best and really it is only this one little spot on the left side where he "tacked" me. I haven't taken Tylenol that's how "not bad" it is... and yet it is there... this little place screaming for my attention and I'm pissed at it. It's like being pissed off at a 2 year old for, oh I don't know, drawing on the walls. It's totally silly and yet it is where I'm at.
My iPod broke this evening..won't boot. I listened to it all the way home from NYC and this is the first time I have turned it on. Totally bummed.
Our Thankyou Party is this weekend... We basically decided this party was only for people who had cooked for us, taken our children or took us/me out to breakfast/lunch/dinner. We also included a few special people who helped me tremdously in other ways, the doctor who sat and talked to me, was patient and kind with all my questions and tried his hardest to be my Dr. Friend and not my Dr., the friend who offered up help every day and I always turned it down... I just didn't feel good asking for silly things like picking up my dry cleaning (though now I know it was stupid to feel that way). So far, 44 people are RSVPd yes... CRAZY. I'd tell you all the fun things I have planned but a few of my guests actually read my blog and, well, that'd give away the surprise.
Which brings me to... it's so funny how much people love surprises. One of the things I am doing is an "unknown"... Each guest had to RSVP with an "interesting fact" about themselves. There are some classic interesting facts. Anyway, so many people have been trying to get me to hint about what the interesting facts are for. I can just see these people as children rattling the present box. It's reminded me how much surprise is out of normal for us and how uncomfortable surprise can be and, at the same time, there are other kinds of surprises that make us smile inside. I had a lot more patience after this revelation when The Daughter sat me down to go over the latest Nickelodean holiday catalog AND the Toyrs R Us Book of Wishes tonight and made sure she told me, basically, every single page "I want this and this and this and this and this and this too...." [flip page] "and this and this and this..."
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:26 PM | Comments (5)
November 12, 2005
California Weather
Yesterday I woke up in New York, tired, sore.... Clio came and took me to lunch and, more importantly, to buy some real shoes.... you see I came to New York, mid-November with only flipflops. Yes, I realize this is stupid but I really don't own close toed shoes. After lunch she dropped me off at the doctors where two other women, gene positive, who had just had the Alloderm Reconstruction/Mastectomy were waiting to have their drains pulled. We had quite the party in the waiting room waiting for the doctor to show up. My examination was brief, they look fantastic. I hung around as my doctor was going to drive me back into the city. I held one of the girl's hand while they removed the drains (oooohhhh). My doctor then drove me into the city (through the streets jampacked after the Veterans Day parade where, apparently, even tanks went through the streets of New York City). It was great to spend that time with him as I got to ask him questions about the procedure, the practice, etc.
Once to the hotel, I grabbed a cab and met up with Kathy and Neti for, first a nose piercing. We went to NY Adorned (owned by an Ashtangi). They had an AMAZING selection of nose rings... only most of them were silver or gold and I can't wear either. The only piece they had that wasn't the former was a platinum and diamond combination...what could I do but agree to it, afterall, I'd just sliced open my breasts again and, well, I lost my nose ring (hey, I didn't say I wasn't damned good at convincing myself even against my better mindset). They ended up having to stretch out the nostril because the nose ring was a bit larger than my prior baby one. I have to admit, it was a bit disconcerting when he stuck the big needle in my nose again.... on the other hand, I now have this custom fitted platinum/diamond nose ring and I really like it. It sits much further against the inside of my nose and doesn't move around like my old one did.
After the nose piercing, we went to a lovely dinner and then tried to find a place for a drink... which would have been fine except it was freezing fucking cold and, you know, not only did I bring only flip flops but I also didn't bring a winter jacket. This wouldn't have been a big deal but the implants were tensing up (likely the muscle under them) which was causing me massive discomfort.... The bar we ended up at was quite nice actually and every few minutes the entire floor would rattle as the subway ran directly underneath.
I woke up this morning at 4:30 New York time, hopped a plane and was home in time for The Son's soccer trophey award ceremony. I'm exhausted... I'm not in too much pain but a bit on the "tacked" side... not horrendous but enough that I'm taking Aleve (by the way Kathy and Erik, Aleve and Advil are NOT the same... Aleve is not Ibuprofen... at least I didn't bleed to death on you guys ;>). I have a huge week this week...big decisions... BHLF#1 has told me that I can work an hour from home, have time between 6 and 9 to practice yoga everyday and still be home by 4:30 every day. It is sounding inviting but can I REALLY go back to an office fulltime?
Erik/Kathy -- Erik do you remember that store where we got the little Nintendo box? I need more of them.... could you get some for me and I'll send you money? It was called KidRobot somewhere by Eddie's studio? Prettttyyyy pleaseeeeeee...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:57 PM | Comments (1)
November 10, 2005
Owie
The people at my plastic surgeon's office probably think I'm insane.... I showed up blaring Baba Hanuman on the iPod (for some reason, that was the song for me today), they brought me into the OR waiting room where I placed my bag on the chair meant for sitting, plopped myself on the floor, assumed padmasana, closed my eyes and just breathed. My doctor came around the corner and just smiled. He's the most amazing doctor on the planet. He came to hug me and said "You look stressed..." I started to cry, he gave me a back rub and insisted I was going to be fine. He coddled me, we talked a bit more.... he left to prepare.... I decided to stretch out my hamstrings in the optical waiting room (that's where they take the preop pictures and do the pen markup)... when next my doctor entered the room I was in Uttanasana, wrist grabbed behind my legs... I said "Well, I might as well do it now while I can." He said "You WILL be back before you know it, trust me." By now I really should trust him. I know many doctors, of them all, he has the most amazing gentle, positive, reassuring bedside manner. His spirit is so giving and you can feel the pureness in his energy. He led me to the OR, showed me around, reassured me some more, all the while, holding my hand. He put me in another waiting room and told me "Do yoga or something." So when next he came back I was in a lovely version of Paschimottanasana, breathing, breathing....
The Anesthesiologist was quite kind. He assured me I was fine, that he wouldn't let anything happen to me and explained that I wasn't going to be "put out" just put to sleep and the medication would wear off quickly when I was woken up. They put me in the OR, talked to me and my kind sweet doctor pulled out the iPod, placed the earbuds in my ears and allowed me to close my eyes and breathe with Baba Hanuman until I was no longer conscious.
I next woke up to the middle of God Is Real, they apparently left the iPod on the whole time :) I felt groggy and like something was wrong with my eyes but I was okay. The incisions hurt much worse than with the mastectomies.... they let me wake up for awhile. The doctor told me he ended up putting another 100ccs into both breasts and doing some sort of "tack" on the left breast as the pocket was off to the left side too much apparently. What all that means I really don't know but he did tell me the left side may be a bit sore due to the "tacking." The recovery nurse brought me back to my hotel, I ordered food not much because I wanted it but because I hadn't eaten since dinner the night before and I figured I needed strength. I felt groggy and medicated and the left side began to hurt.... pain... the first real pain I've had through this whole mastectomy thing. The time the Vicodin that I took after eating, I took because I actually was in pain. The right side feels perfect, like nothing happened... the left side is sore. I can, however, use my pect muscles (though he's asked me not to do much if I can help it), I can lift my arms up over my head, etc. Clearly I won't be as debilitated for as long as promised.
I spent the afternoon sitting on the bed, watching TV, in and out of consciousness. I finally roused and woke up more fully around 6 or so. I took a walk around the hotel, bought a couple magazines... then I ordered room service again and just took my second Vicodim. I'm afraid if I don't take them the pain will come back... for now, I'm good as long as I'm sitting and not moving. Moving makes me feel a bit shy... I wonder how I will be tomorrow.
The biggest catasrophe today was that I lost my nose ring :( I have no idea where it could have gone but I'm totally bummed. My mission tomorrow will be to try and find a new one so my nose doesn't close up. Rew has promised to take me somewhere in the city for said purchase and the Ashtangi NYC Blogger Convention is supposed to be tomorrow night. Guys, my doctor is going to personally drive me (told you he was great) into the city tomorrow after my appointment... I think that means I'll be getting there sometime around 5pm. Agenda items: Food, Yoga talk and finding a nose ring ;) It should be fun!
Thank you to EVERYONE for so many well wishes... truly... I know this time in myl ife has been made lighter and better and I'm stronger through the energy and devotion that all of you have given me. GROUP HUGS!!
Now I'm going to eat chocolate cake and try to be comfortable enough to sleep!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:17 PM | Comments (9)
If I Could, I Would
I decided that I didn't really want to go to sleep last night. Most nights of my life I'm worried about what time I have to wake up and therefore what time i have to be asleep by but last night, I just didn't want morning to come so I prolonged it as long as possible. I was dead tired most of the day and by midnight my eyes were drooping in and out, in and out and I finally caved. I woke up at 6:57 am with dread. I don't know why I'm dreading this whole thing so much but I am. I got dressed, grabbed a cab and headed to Grand Central... made my way to the train all the while thinking about how the hell I'd manage this all by myself on Friday... I mean... I've got bags (which I had to will closed this morning after the trip to Nintendo World) that I won't be able to carry. The train was short and sweet and I'm now at the Marriott in Westchester doing the final count down... 15 more minutes until I have to go.
If I could, I'd throw up right now.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:07 AM | Comments (4)
November 9, 2005
Relentless Guilt
I had emailed The Stern One yesterday but never heard back... I got notice that perhaps he was gone and that it would probably be fine to show up but I decided that that wasn't respectful so I planned oin practicing at Guy's and then meeting up with Erik. I set the alarm for 6:15 figuring I could sleep a bit extra (Guy has Mysore all the way to 9:30 (starting at 9:30) on Wednesdays)... I was very disconcerted when I woke up to the sound of "Room Service" being announced at the room next door. I thought "Damn, someone is ordering room service in the middle of the night?" My eyes slowly creaked open and I noticed it was much lighter in the room.... I grabbed the phone and noted that it was past 7. I knew I could still go to Guy's but I simply could not rouse myself from the bed, my eyes were involuntarily closing, my brain was sayin g "Get Up" and the next thing I knew it was 8:30. In the end, I decided my body and brain were simply not up to a practice this morning.
I tried really hard not to feel guilty about it but I had the nagging thought that I had missed my "last" practice. I met up with The Ex Boyfriend at Dean & DeLuca while running an errand, had some coffee, cruised to the Nintendo Store (where they had all kinds of new little Nintendo goodies) and finally met up with NetI in front of the ice skating rink at Rockefeller Center. We cruised around, got down to Soho, went in search of a restaurant, ran around in circles, finally stopped for lunch at an Indian place... walked around some more, I think in more major circles and then stopped for coffee/chai where we sat and discussed EZBoarders, teachers, the practice, my hip issue, mutual friends, the practice.... when my phone rang and I realized I completely forgot a conference call. I took the call as Erik and I walked back to Soho and in the midst of this a torrential downpour started... neither of us with an umbrella, we scattered for an awning, consolidated my belongings (so the precious Nintendo cargo wouldn't get trashed) and Erik, the gentleman that he is, walked me back to my hotel......
Where the guilt set in again... should I go to the 5pm Mysore class at Guy's? My body feels tired, my body feels spent, my mind is chaotic (which is a push for going), my heart is too wrapped up in fear.... I ended up taking a hot bath in the overly small hotel bathtub, doing downward dog and thinking "Okay, yea, I could do this..." Trying Warrior and thinking "Nope, I just don't have the physical desire"... I have the heart desire but nothing in my physical body that wants to do this.
The guilt stayed and manifested itself into endless pangs by 5:30.... then I debating the 6:15 Mysore class... I nearly went... I was almost ready to dig out the yoga clothes when I thought to myself that I just really didn't want to go. The only reason I wanted to go was because I feel like my practice is going to be going away for awhile... that's all completely wrapped up in the attachment ot the physical. I recognize that at least...
now if only the relentless guilt would actually go away.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:56 PM | Comments (2)
November 8, 2005
Trials & Tribulations
I'm sitting on the train en route from Philadelphia to New York City. Truth be told, I'm scared as shit. As I sit here I realize that I finally feel comfortable in my skin again... I'm not in pain, I'm not focused on my breasts and I feel really healthy. I'm having a hard time with the idea that in 48 hours I'm going to be laid up... an even harder time imagining doing this all by myself.
For whatever reason, I have been unable to sufficiently nourish myself today. I don't know if it was getting up so early on so little sleep to practice or the time difference but I never managed to actually feel like eating and, as a result, I barely ate anything today. My eyes are killing me (sleep deprivation), I can barely think of words when trying to hold a conversation and, in general, I just want to get to the hotel and pass out. I emailed Eddie Stern and asked if I could practice there in the morning.... he hasn't responded so I'm going to plan on going to Guy's I suppose if I Eddie doesn't respond by the time I go to bed. I get to spend tomorrow cruising around the city (with Neti and then it's doomsday... I know I shouldn't look at it that way but I'm fearful of being in pain.
My "interview" today went well. We spent little time actually talking about work and/or my technical skills and more time talking about our kids and various other aspects of our outside of work life. In the meantime, I got emails from the director at BHLF#1 basically telling me that I can work one hour from home a day, take a half hour lunch and come in around practicing at 7am (probably will switch to practicing Mysore at The Other Studio on T/TH from 6-8)... this means I'd likely be able to be home by 4 or 5 on most days. This is something to *really* think about. BHLF#3 emailed me today to tell me that their firm is offering massages... Well, at least they know me!
This decision is going to be so hard... there are pros and cons to each option. Family, money, yoga schedule, career.... it's all just too much and it's all going to hit right when I won't have my mat to hold my hand... something to be learned in that isn't there?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:22 PM | Comments (2)
Yoga Is Not A Sport
I got into Philadelphia about 9:30pm last night. My first fligth was a puddle jumper from San Diego to LA.... we flew into Gate 88 at 12:55. My flight to PA LEFT at 1:15 from Gate 67. Lest you think this was just walking 20 gates, it was actually two terminals away. I literally broke a sweat and got there just in time. As a result, I had nothing to eat but the Tootsie Roll I swiped from the Candy Fairy's Halloween rewards (God, I need to get that out of my house). When I got to the hotel at 10pm, I ordered some food and looked around for yoga. The only Mysore I could find in the mornings was at YogaSport. I was a bit nervous based on the name and the fact that it wasn't in the city... I set the alarm for 5:15 (bearing in mind this would be 2:15 my time), took some Melatonin and tried to sleep. I might have slept for a few hours straight before the alarm went off. I hemmed and hawed. I knew I'd have to take a cab and didn't know if they'd know how to get there. I vascillated.... I thought of practicing in the hotel room but knew I didn't have the discipline to do it. My hip was still achey... in the end, I got up at 5:25, threw on clothes, brushed my teeth and hailed a cab.
$40 dollars later I finally found the place.... the cab driver was about pissed off at me. The studio is in a big room at the Masonic Lodge, HEATED... hooray. There were a few people there when I started, no teacher, so I started my practice. I was amazed that my hamstrings were uber happy... again, it's that easy coast humidity thing. After almost all my sun salutations a teacher came in, Turns out she was the assistant. I explained who I was and she welcomed me. I did standing and got to Utthita Hasta when she came to help me. She was holding my leg just barely up so I said "You can go all the way." She was surprised as she put me into Trivikurmasana. On the second side she did the same thing so I said "You can go all the way again, this is actually my good side." She said to me "Wow, I've never adjusted anyone as tall as you nor this far before." As I got to seated another man joined the room, total ashtanga body type (think JMS). He started his practice and I could tell he was nice and floaty. Seated postures were going well... and lo and behold, kurmasana no big deal (though I couldn't get my heels up off the ground)... Supta Kurmasana, bound and crossed all on my own. See it's the east coast humidity or SOMETHING because everytime I'm out here, Supta K happens with little effort. I had a few nice adjustments... the actual teacher came in somewhere before Navasana I think. Pasasana, binding, no mat under heels but heels lifted was fine today... second series felt good.... I have to say I almost laughed out loud when the instructor assisted me in Bhekasana, gave me just a slight lift and said "Perfect!" Hahahahaha, Behkasana has never felt perfect to me before. I did through to Ustrasana and started backbends when they came over to ask about dropbacks. I asked how they did them and they asked me how Tim does it so I explained.... I did it there way. FASCINATING. So this little tiny instructor held a "towel" under me. I stood up and dropped back, she had to help me from thudding at the very bottom but otherwise it was all me. One breath then up. I did this about 5 times. Here's what I learned. I'm much closer to getting up than I thought I was. Tim helps me a lot. I really enjoyed this and I'm going to ask Kiran to help me do it someday soon because it really allowed me to feel my own movements and center and where I was.
I had to check my own ego when I was talking to the assistant at the beginning. She came over during side splits and said she couldn't believe how far I was given my height. I said "Well, when you get to practice with Tim everyday, it helps." She replied that the instructor there was "at the same level" "world class" -- at first I was like "Oh come on, same level as Tim!" but then I realized I was being silly.... and I was being egotistical.... and that everyone has a teacher who to them is world class... and everyone's guru is their guru... and each guru is a person...
Actually, it was a very nice place to practice and the people were invited. Mr. Bandha did what appeared to be some of first and then 4th series. I think it was 4th, I'll have to go look (Mari E & F?)
So while I paid $60 to practice this morning at 2:30 my time, it was really nice and I'm glad I went. I took the train back ($3.75) and am now getting ready for my interview. I'm trying to decide if I have time to run to see the Liberty Bell first :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:48 AM | Comments (2)
November 7, 2005
Grunting Hand Grasps
For the past few days my hips have been achey... you know the kind of achey where you lay down for sleep and you can't get comfortable. For awhile I thought I was battling whatever disease has spread through my family, my neighbors, my yoga teacher, etc but it's lasted too long for that and I feel quite fine actually (I've downgraded my intake of Airborne to the recommended 3 tablets a day). Since I skipped practice yesterday, I anticipated that today might be somewhat hard but when I did that first sun salutation and my hip said "Hello, what the hell do you think you are doing?" I thought "DAMMIT, my last practice is going to suck!" Very unyogic I know but it's what I thought nonetheless. Instead I willed myself to make it better.... I moved my legs in various positions during downward dogs, I stretched and prayed and dedicated my practice to the fear of this surgery.... In the end I had a relatively good practice, nice and hot and with the twinge of this hip thing here and there, especially on the right side, but good nonetheless. Pretty focused and happy.... Tim adjusted me in trianga muka today by sitting on my back. Bhujapindasana was a bear today... I couldn't get my feet crossed without touching the ground and I thudded my head about halfway over. Kurmasana hurt like hell and, for some reason, I couldn't get my chest to the ground... Rich was waiting for me for Supta K and got me bound just fine but my feet wouldn't cross by my head like usual... not sure what that was about. In Baddha K I lifted myself up slightly, leaning forward then extending down... for whatever reason, entering this pose with that slight lift takes away the pain... I was happily there, nose to the ground, pushing my butt back down to the ground when suddenly Tim is there, and groan, laying over me. I think I actually gasped because he said "Mhmmm?" and I grunted back... and we kept going and then we got all the way down and I remembered Rich telling me that he weighed more than Tim right now and I slightly laughed, Yea right... I don't think so and I think having someone's body weight on you in Baddha K makes you an expert ;) The rest of first was just fine... as I neared Pasasana I got to thinking about practicing in New York. I realized I have this impression that practicing in New York is all cut throat... that none of the teachers there will let me get away with the modifications I'm making now and still do my practice as Tim lets me. With that in my ego I decided to try pasasana without the mat... I had watched the authorized teacher practicing next to me do pasasana and her heels weren't all the way down so Guruji must allow you to move on.... I was pretty damned surprised when I bound, by myself, heels slightly up. I had a really hard time maintaining the balance as I tried to twist because that is where it starts to pull/stretch through the pect muscle and I find it disconcerting, not so much painful but a bit disconcerting. I was quite happy to have done it without the mat though.. progress before I get taken back to square 1. Shalabasana felt awesome today... I think the past I've spent too much time worried about my feet and they get cramps from the focus... Today I worried about lifting and my feet didn't bother me at all which meant I could stay in the posture longer. Everything felt very nice...backbends were going okay. I think I've posted before how Tim and I have a bit different routine than everyone else. He waits til my last backbend, helps me up, then we do dropbacks (most people do their backbends, then stand up to start dropbacks).... Today when he helped me up I felt less powerful than the other day when he told me I was finding my legs so it really threw me for a loop when on the last dropback he put his hand on my chest for the infamous one-handed-lift... in fact, I got scared and I froze up. He had to put his hand under my waist to help me up. I told him he scared me and he said "next time we need to practice with a net" -- maybe the net needs to be the releasing of my fear... clearly he thought I was ready to try it... I was really surprised because I didn't think I was that close.
I booked from practice to The Daughter's school so I could say goodbye and now I'm off to the airport. I'm really freaking out. I'm totally scared about this surgery.... I'm just scared and wish I could cry... maybe I should cry but somehow I doubt it will help.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:27 AM | Comments (5)
November 6, 2005
The Sky Is Falling
The plan today was to practice, work and pack for my trip. The Husband got up and went surfing.... yes, you read right, he went surfing. First time since the ACL tear. It was a bit disconcerting to wake up and realize he was gone and potentially out hurting himself (he didn't wait for the brace to arrive). When he got home I realized that I was being terribly selfish. I won't be seeing my kids for nearly 6 days, how selfish of me to take 3 hours to practice yoga today. So, instead, I blew a few hundred dollars by booking a hotel room in the city for Tuesday night and planning on practicing either at Eddie's or Guy's Wednesday morning.
Truthfully, I don't know where would be best for me to practice. I've been to Guy's and met him with Tim so I'm assuming he'll have some sympathy for my current screwed up condition and the fact that Tim has been "letting" me do my full practice even though I have to modify things here or there based on the inability to engage the pect muscle in certain ways. I don't know if Eddie will have the same sympathy and, truth be told, this will be my last practice for an undertermined period of time and I'd like to do the whole thing. Horribly attached to the physical practice I know but, nonetheless, I'm quite aware of it.
Instead of practice, we took the kids to see Chicken Little. You do have to love a few things about Disney movies. First, they know us parents are sitting through them with our kids and they manage to throw in funnies that the kids simply don't get. Chicken Little has quite a bit of that. Second, they always play some little short funny thing at the end of the movie, while the credits are rolling for those of us with small children... you simply can't join the stampede to get out the doors when your little one is danger of being trampled. After that we went to lunch and now I'm working on getting my laptop setup and ready for the trip.
Dr. Mike emailed (shout out) emailed me this morning and reminded me of something..for this whole career thing I could potentially practice at The Other Studio on T/TH mornings since I could get out of there at 8am and be at work at 9, giving me the ability to be home before 5. That would leave me practicing with my teacher only 3 days a week (S/W/F), practicing once with an authorized teacher in Dana Point and twice with the teacher at The Other Studio.... sounds like too many hands in one pot to me but I don't know...it may be what I'm forced to do to have a practice at all.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:38 PM
November 4, 2005
It's All About Yoga
I've discovered that I really have to own up to being slightly worried about myself. Come on, I know I'm not the only one. Walking that thin line between doubting whether your obsession is perfectly okay and having convinced yourself that of course it is. I've written about 10-12 emails in the past little bit here, I get a lot of email everyday, it's scary crazy actually. I realized, however, that about 5 of those emails were, in some fashion, regarding work and that in every single one I made sure to mention that the money is great but, hey, will they accommodate my yoga practice and still allow me to get home at a reasonable hour for my family? This would be a whole lot easier if Mysore classes started at 6am (scary as hell that I would even think that) because then I could get in at 8:30 or 9 (geez, I'm even considering creating a schedule where I am one of those people who go to work directly from yoga and don't even shower
Career things are in full high gear at the moment. It's fascinating and truly something people need to do once in awhile. It really shakes you up and makes you evaluate what is important to you in life. At least, for me I'm finding it is.
I got a call this evening from the lady who had the Mastectomies/Alloderm Reconstruction a couple weeks before me. She had a "revision" today and she called to warn me that she is in drastic pain, 100x worse that the mastectomies were themselves. I had a slight freak out attack. I am going to be in New York by myself..if it is that bad, holy cow, I really need some help with me. Not to mention freaking out about pain... I am so scared of pain. I emailed my doctor and looked to see how much it would cost to have someone come with me... I could maybe have my 16 year old niece come. Hopefully she'd be okay to help me. He emailed me back that he doesn't have to do what he did to her to me...although hers SOUNDS like it is 50x easier than mine. I get so blank when it comes to medical shit...it's like this black box... I just don't want to have any understanding of it. It's the same with telephony...start talking telecommunications and I simply blank out, no desire to even want to understand.. God I hope he's right.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:48 PM | Comments (4)
Groan Doesn't Cut It
What to say... my practice sucked today. Today was one of those days when I spent literally every moment of my practice convincing myself that I should stay and finish. I had all kinds of reasons running through my mind why I should quit and just leave. I almost left after the first few sun salutations but willed myself to continue with the idea that perhaps things would get better. They never did. I probably should have anticipated such a strong rejection of the practice by my body when I woke up this morning. With everyone in my household sick, I was woken up pre-alarm by hacking, sniffling and the other various sounds of prolonged agony in the sinus cavities. I finally decided to roll out of my nice warm bed at 6:14am... addressed my emails and headed out. I've had this wierd headache for the past week. Last night I was cruising on the 'Net and discovered perhaps I've OD'd on Airborne. Seriously... supposedly too much Vitamin A (and Airborne has 5,000IU a dose) apparently can cause headaches. I've probably been taking 4-5 doses a day. It's just that I cannot get sick or my surgery is off and with everyone around me ill, what can I do. I wonder if I should lay off it for a day or two. I'm regularly a germaphobe anyway but perhaps, at least in my house, the danger is mostly over.
I could barely approximate most poses today. Seriously. Standing sucked, seated sucked more.... I couldn't even get near Kurmasana today and I flat out skipped Supta K (I had to make sure Tim wasn't looking..very BAD yogini). Rich assisted me with Baddha Konasana which is a bear lately for me anyway and, after, I thought I would rip apart... Tim was watching me sit and stew on the after effects and then gave me one of those "ooooo geez" looks ;) For the past two days the incision on my right side has been excruciatingly tight, like feeling like it is tearing apart tight. Yesterday after standing it got better, stretched out, I guess. Today it just wouldn't release and at one point I leaned over and asked Kiran if it was possible for it to rip apart.
Though most people practice only first on Fridays, many people do their whole practice or their regular practice especially if they aren't able to make Mysore daily. I usually do my whole practice on Fridays since Sundays are a first series day. Today I had absolutely no business doing second series and so I didn't. In fact, I probably had no business doing all of first but I figured what the hell. I skipped drop backs and I was out of there at 8:30. At least I made an hour and half of convincing myself to just get on the mat and do. Too bad I couldn't get the brain to turn off and the body to relax.
Isn't it odd how you can have one marvelous day and then the next is just WHAM where the hell did that peacefulness go?
The other day Tiffany posted a comment on my blog and I've since read her blog. She mentions that she practices at Tim's but I didn't know who she was.... On my way out I noticed her name right below mine on the sign in sheet.... so Hi Tiffay, I was the girl who held the door open for you this morning :)
Things on the career front are heating up. BHLF#3 has been contacting me all morning. I had to send code samples and later have a conference call with their CIO. BHLF#1 heard about BHLF#3's offer and responded that they will be more accommodating of an in-Del Mar position rather than spending time in L.A. Interesting. My current employer called me today with even more frustration.... it's clearly time to do something about it. I just need to make sure I'm making the *right* decision for me (and that includes both professionally and with regard to my practice time) and my family.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:22 AM | Comments (11)
November 3, 2005
Good To Be Home
Ah, practice was so nice this morning... being the late class my hamstrings were super happy, my strength felt pretty good... it was crowded, we're talking inches between mats, so it was nice and hot too. Nothing dramatically pertinent to tell you about physically... it wasn't a physical practice for me, the good ones never are. Today was one of those mental practices where it was all about the breath, all about the peace, all about the prospect of five deep breaths to just let go... let go... and be.
I did, however, ask Tim about Bhekasana since the instructor yesterday told me to keep my knees together. He told me the knees are not together "Not Possible" he says...but that the knees should be hip width apart. Mine are slightly further apart than that if I keep my heels on the ground, with them hip width apart, I can't get the heels down.... I also asked Rich about the chin in shoulderstand. He said that he likes to do jalaharabanda here, keeping the chin locked, but that others like to pull the chin off the chest oftentimes as room for the breath, having a hard time breathing with the chin lock. I told him that I had been told to do that yesterday and that my neck hurt for it. I tried it again and it is the most uncomfortable, unnatural feeling to me... I definitely enjoy the chin lock.
Backbends felt great today... When Tim pulled me up from my 6th one he said "Finally finding your legs!" Hooray... finally... it's about damn time ;) Backdrops felt great even... I just loved my practice today... loved it.. needed it in such a big way... I was so strung out... practice and all is coming.
I got home and immediately left for interview with BHLF#3. This now sounds the most promising. It is in an office but, again, in the interview I explained that my yoga practice is very important to me and that I cannot take evening classes that, at my "level" (I wonder if there is a better way to explain this) I need to practice from 7-9 with my teacher. This director said that would be fine. I added on that my kids were also very important and I wanted the flexibility of making the school plays and whatnot... he thought he could be very flexible in this regard. Their offices are 1/2 mile from my house so that is good.... the question comes down to money.
So, here's the way it looks:
BHLF#1 -- huge amounts of money, nice training package, sucky office hours and once a week in L.A., work product would be pretty cool, different than what I do but still maintaining somewhat a focus on my specialty.
BHLF#2 -- no more money than I make now, exclusively telecommuting, no guaranteed training package, work product excludes my specialty, I know the director, he's wonderful and we've worked together in the past, this would be the most comfortable and easy job to take.
BHLF#3 -- unknown money at this point but sounds like medium ground, less than BHLF#1 but probably more than I make now, guaranteed half training package, might be able to fight for other half to be included in hiring package. Flexibility with yoga/kids to a degree but still in an office (office is 1/2 mile away). Work product would be half my specialty and the other half really cool dev apps that sound fascinating. I already know the team well and integration would probably be fairly easy.
Current Job -- easy job, complete flexibility, lacks professionlism... STILL waiting for my salary increase from APRIL which was promised to me in AUGUST (it is now November), frustration level dealing with the staff is HIGH and I'm increasingly unhappy about it. Work product is solely in my specialty and becoming monotonous.
Such decisions! Such decisions... practice and all is coming.
In other fun news, I will likely, given the job situation we'll have to see, be teaching yoga to the kids at The Daughter's preschool on Fridays at 12:30 (would probably do for my lunch hour if I'm in an office)... I would get paid some money to do it and the school would make money too. The parents have been asking me to do it and The Daughter would be absolutely thrilled. I have to write up what I'll offer sometime soon and submit it but that's likely just a formality.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:03 PM
November 2, 2005
BUMMER DUDE!!!!!
What a complete freakin' bummer...
This SUCKS. Totally SUCKS.
In a wierdness twist, however, I was sitting at PeeWee Sports today watching The Daughter play T-Ball when I called The Husband to tell him not to break his neck getting home since I now had nowhere I had to be tonight (what a HUGE freaking letdown). I said "The concert was canceled..." The woman next to me, a Carmel Valley-ite suburb mom, watching her own child in PeeWee sports said "Bauhaus? You were going!?" Now, it isn't often you find people who even know who Bauhaus is let alone people who live in Carmel Valley so it was pretty surprising... a nice one at that.
Well, on the brighter side, at least getting up for practice in the morning should be relatively easy now that I won't be having a late night.
Too bad finding a decently priced hotel room in New York city doesn't have such a silver lining and too bad I can't find any ashtanga shalas in Philadelphia *sigh*
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:49 PM | Comments (2)
oooohh question question (hand is raised)
As I was picking up The Son from school today I was thinking over my practice this morning... the adjustments this morning felt very different, in a way I can't really explain right now but..anyway... in shoulderstand the teacher instructed me very different than I've ever heard before and it's affected me all day.
See how my chin is on my chest? This morning in shoulderstand I was instructed to put the chin "back" or "lift it" -- in other words bring it off my chest... to do this, I had to contract the neck I suppose... I have noticed that my neck is very sore today and I've just put two and two together.
Now I seem to remember that someone asked Tim in Maya Tulum, when this photo was taken, shouldn't I have my chin off my chest and I *seem* remember him saying no...that doing that doesn't allow for the extension of the next or, the neck to be straight, or something like that but I'm drawing a blank. The only thing I remember is that someone asked that question and I walked away thinking "Yes, this is fine."
So, your verdict everyone? Should the chin be "extended" off the chest or sitting on the chest so your neck is more "flat" in the back? God I'm bad at describing physical things.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:25 PM | Comments (4)
O Five Hundred
The Husband had to be out of the house by 7am this morning so I asked The Nanny to come take the kids to school so I could make practice... she called at 9:30pm and canceled. I felt tears welling up. You know you are in serious need of mat time when tears creap to the eyes at the very idea of not being able to make practice. The various options ran through my brain:
9:00 class at health club -- nope, The Daughter doesn't get dropped off until 8:45 and there is no way to make it back in time for the 9am class.
12:00 class at the studio -- nope, The Son has early day all this week due to Parent/Teacher Conferences and has to get picked up at 12:30. The Nanny doesn't get out of school until 12:30.
10:45 class at local studio -- nope, this is the most likely possibility, however, you believe you are going to have an emergency conference call mid-morning based on the crap that happened yesterday.
evening classes -- nope tonight is Bauhaus.
I had such a crappy day yesterday... I would have liked to walk out on my job again. I get treated like some pe-on word processor rather than a professional with more experience in my field than half the lawyers in this firm. I was so angry and couldn't find the breath to just let it go that I really thought I might fall apart today with some centering. So I cleaned up the office, made room for a mat and planned to get up and practice. Those home practices never go well. Inevitably The Son or The Daughter needs something... so I had the brainwave before I turned off the light that I'd get up at 5:15 and go practice at the health club. Wednesday mornings is a Mysore class. I'm a bit unsure of the teacher but it's practice and it's Mysore and it's 2 minutes away and I can be home by 7am.
When the alarm actually went off at 5:15 I thought twice... then I realized that my yoga addiction is fantastically integrated into my life and, of course, I was getting up to practice. The Husband now officially thinks I'm wacked out. The body isn't really so happy at 5:30am... When I walked in another woman who practices at the studio on the weekends was there she said "OH you are practicing? I'm so excited." I started at 5:35... my body was achey and tired and wondering what the hell I was asking it to do so early. A few students arrived as I started standing postures. I've never been there before so I got a bunch of the "who's that" looks typical of a new student in class. My practice was going okay... stiffer than normal but, heck at 5:30 what did I expect. The teacher gave me some different adjustments than I'm used to. In Bhekasana she had me bring my knees almost together (which prevents the heels from reaching the ground -- I once asked Tim if you were supposed to try to get your knees together and he told me no), then she pulled me up from under my shoulders which actually gave me quite a nice extension.
My practice was quick. I had to take a shorter length of time in some postures to make it through the practice and get in my driveway by 7am. I skipped a few vinyasas at the end of first.... did second series postures.... did 3 backbends, quick closing, skipped headstand a minute long savasana. I pulled into the driveway just as the husband was getting in his car to pull out (how's that for confidence I'd make it home in time :>).
Now off to start the day... feeling centered and calm (er)... kids to school, bank, work, etc., etc.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:33 PM | Comments (1)
November 1, 2005
Candy Money
Moonday today, no practice :( It is the first moonday that I was sad about in awhile. I'm in the constant "sickness" watch at this point... I wake up and spend the entire day obsessing over whether I could be coming down with the "sickness" traversing through our house (and, apparently, Tim's). So far, I'm averaging about 5 Airborne tablets a day but it appears to be working. Tomorrow I shall be paying The Nanny in order that I can practice.
Work continues to be gruesome. I went on a tirade this afternoon saying all kinds of swear words and cursing the Gods that I'm doing what I'm doing. Man, to just walk out would be fun but then I remember that my pocketbook wouldn't get as much pleasure and so I sit.... ready to make a leap, just not sure which direction to go or whether to just stay here on my comfortable lillly pad.
I've had 3 parents at The Daughter's school now ask me to provide yoga classes. External to the school so I have no idea how I could do it. I wouldn't mind doing a fun yoga class for the little ones but have no idea where I could hold it... another parent asked me again today so there is huge interest. It might be fun if I could swing it.
Today was The Son's second grade parent teacher conference. Nothing new to report but it is fascinating to see his writing journal and "hear" what he thinks. For instance, I had absolutely no idea that in the Candy Fairy's world, candy is money which is why she leaves such large presents for Halloween. Interesting.
New York next week... still have yet to make a single travel arrangement... how lame am I.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:34 PM