facing inward

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October 31, 2005

The Ugly Pumpkin

The alarm didn't need to go off this morning, I was already awake. I was tormenting myself. I had told The Husband I was getting up for practice and he would need to tape The Son's school play, The Ugly Pumpkin, for me as I wouldn't be able to make it. In fact, it was going to be a close call even for The Husband since the play started at 9am and The Daughter can be dropped off only as early as 8:45. 6:12... going... 6:17... how can I go... what a horrid parent I am.. 6:20.. this is it, I either go now or don't go.. 6:22... I could make it if I left now... 6:25... I really shouldn't, what message does this send to my kid?

In the end, I didn't go. I took The Daugher to school so The Husband wouldn't miss the Parade at school at 8:30 and then I raced back to The Son's school so I could see the play. I feel like a better parent for it. Bad Yogini, but I guess I could look at it as the 7th Series Practice.

I suppose the day off would be good if there weren't a Moonday tomorrow...why..because my entire body is like "WOAH, do you really practice yoga regularly because, hello, these muscles exist!" My legs, my abs, the sides of my body from the twists... hello and hallelujah.

Note from my doctor today.. he will be removing the existing implants and putting in larger ones to fill up the skin that is left over.... *sigh*. he says my pecs will not be impacts but that I will not be able to do yoga for a week to let the incision heal....

Note from BHLF#1 today about flexibility..they are willing to offer me more flexibility than originally thought..is it enough to maintain my Mysore practice? I emailed them back and was very clear "Look, your offer is the best I will get I have no doubt; however, my schedule is that I practice yoga from 7-9 M/W/F and 9-11 on T/TH, I could probably practice from 7-9 everyday (meaning eliminate Mysore on T/TH) can you deal with that as well as flexibility for kid-specific activities? I havent heard back yet.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:31 AM | Comments (1)

October 30, 2005

Integration

As a short addendum to my previous post.... Kiran had done some awesome adjustments for me today... including getting me so twisted in Mari C that even I was like "damn!" At the end, during savasana, she gave me this wonderful and much needed chest/head massage... she got RIGHT on one of the spots bothering me lately as far as my reconstruction goes... after I came home and showered and worked some more with the new toy, I had to take the kids to a Halloween party... you know, coming home to quiet I guess I didn't realize how completely lucid I was.... I walked into this party, 30 kids, parents, everyone yelling... and I thought "Holy shit, get me out of here!" I could barely maintain. My body and my mind were so completely in a different place, I was so blissed out I just couldn't focus. People were speaking to me and they might as well have been from a different planet. I wonder how often I go through my days not appreciating the sanctity that yoga gives my mind, afterall, I spend good portions of my day holed up heads down programming..... it was truly wild to have to integrate so quickly and so unexpected that I simply couldn't do it. I had to go stand outside for awhile... I'm sure they were all thinking "Oh that wierd yoga freak" again. (kidding I think)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:44 PM

What? Muscles?

This morning I woke up trying to fiddle with my new toy again (if you haven't seen the new toy, it's linked in a post below... 2.7lb laptop... ah, it's a beautiful thing). I spent most of yesterday trying to get my Verizon Wireless Broadband Access to work, with no success. This morning I woke fresh and decided to try again... after some sleuthing on the Internet I discovered that I can use my other new toy, the Treo 650, as a modem for my laptop either by hacking the ROM (which I really didn't want to do) or by using the USB sync cable and installing PDANet... the latter works BEAUTIFULLY. Granted, it isn't as fast but that's fine...it works NICELY. However, I was so wrapped up in getting everything working that I realized at 9:30 that it was 9:30... and 9:30 is the latest I can leave on a Sunday to make Tim's Sunday Morning Services... I was still sitting in my office, in my jammies... fortunately, this week was the first series week at the Health Club. Kiran had told me she was teaching so I knew I had an out... only I got to the locker room and a friend told me she thought the teacher I don't much like was teaching.... I needed to practice so I laid my mat out anyway... and was filled with bliss when Kiran walked in the room. Every other Sunday at the club is a Yoga Basics class and frequently people don't understand the schedule and come to the primary series class. Kiran had a lot of those today. My practice was fairly nice.. a few noticeable things physically: A) I was able to do jump throughs again and they were quieter than the first time; B) I managed to do Titthibasana with my knees over my shoulders; C) I was actually able to do a "modified chatarunga" today...meaning I dropped to my knees and was actually able to hold my body in chatarunga position WITHOUT PAIN OR FEAR; and, finally, D) I TOUCHED MY FINGERTIPS in Supta K. I still needed helped binding, but I FELT them myself.

Practice and all is coming.. have surgery next week and all is leaving... but that's the lesson I need to learn I think... At the end of first series today myself and another student who practices with Tim a couple days a week decided to do our second series poses. Kiran said it was fine...she gave me a BEAUTIFUL adjustment in pasasana... and her infamous-kiran-adjustment in Krounchasana which I swear makes the pose entirely different and feels wonderful. I absolutely loved Bhekasana today... with help, of course. And then I decided to try my next pose... Laghuvajrasana... I've only done this pose maybe once or twice before in some led class somewhere... Kiran was telling me to go down with my hands on my ankles and keep my arms straight ... yea right... that must be physically impossible. So I got down there and promptly became completely stuck. I tried it a few more times... Kiran even tried to help me up... no go.... but man after class my thighs were like "HELLO...YES YOU... we've been waiting to talk to you!" Isn't it funny how you can do this demanding practice day in and day out, suddenly you do one pose and BOOM there is your ego, your inner self right in front of you...

The kids have a Halloween Party this afternoon.... I could do without it as I'd really like to get my toy all setup and try working on it and see how it goes... it is a slower processor and hard drive given it's lightweight so it will take me awhile to install everything (not to mention I have to install monster software for my development platform).... I'm putting off making travel arrangements... I'm just dreading figuring it out.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:33 PM

Sliced Bread?

Okay, I have been playing all morning with computers... I've sparred with The Son at Super Mario Bros (the classic NES version that I used to play as a kid, he respects me 'cause I know all the cheat spots).... and then with my toy... check this out... I've been paying 80 bucks a month for Verizon's wireless broadband... and I pay 40 a month for my Treo data plan... well I just downloaded PDANet and NOW I can use my Treo at a modem for my laptop and axe my broadband service..yes, a bit more slow and, yes, I need a USB cable but, heck, that's lighter to carry than the card... I'm so stoked. This rocks (and this post is just a test to determine if it is actually working).

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:31 AM

October 29, 2005

Candy Fairies

I decided that the Candy Fairy should visit the adult females in our household early this year.. This is my new toy. It's very cool... just the tiniest little thing you'd ever imagine. 2.7 lbs which means I'll be able to carry it with one hand and not worry about lugging a laptop around... the only problem is I've spent half the day trying to figure out why my PC 5220 air card from Verizon (broadband access card) won't install... apparently, though I cannot find confirmation anywhere, the Verizon card is incompatible with the Sony laptop. How's that for screwed. I even asked the sales girl if I could use my Verizon card even though the laptop has Cingular EDGE built in. *sigh* Looks like I might be switching to CIngular...fortunately, Sony gives you a free 30 day trial so I can see if it works here at home as well as in airports in various parts of the country.

So, job offer #3 appears to be coming down the pipeline. As I was sitting messing with my new toy, I got an email from the manager at another large firm asking if it was too late to talk... lunch on Thursday. Isn't it BIZARRE... everytime I put my energy somewhere, up it comes. I'm still a bit scared to make a change but I also realize all this time I've been thinking there were no options and short-changing myself when, in fact, there are options.

Hopefully a nice practice will come out tomorrow (though I anticipate a lot of computer frustration along with it)... This thing is so tiny I can barely read what I'm typing!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:48 PM | Comments (3)

Illumination

So, I had this thought in the middle of the night... I really believed before my first surgery that I would take value from the lesson of non-attachment to my physical practice of asana. Truth be told, while it has been hard, it hasn't been all that hard. It hasn't been as hard as I imagined and I believe everyone who has seen me would say they are pretty amazed at the short recovery period.... so perhaps my lesson is to really value non-attachment and what better way than to make me recognize it by putting front and center this new "revision." I had the realization last night that I've suddenly found myself in a position where I very well may stay at Ustrasana for a year or more... someone once asked the question "If you knew you were only ever going to do primary series, would you still practice ashtanga?" I said yes then but I'm not sure I 100% internalized it. Today I can say that, you know what, I finally get the value... Having gone from practicing 6 days a week, to nothing, to the struggle to get back to a place we call home on the mat has been a challenge.... the beauty of the challenge is that the challenge is all there is... it's only about the breathing through it that matters... and nothing else.

I found out that I have to stay in NYC through to Saturday.... what a bummer. I also found out that Neti is going to be in NYC at the same time so I'm thinking perhaps of taking the train in to the city on Wednesday night, finding somewhere to stay in the city, having dinner with Neti, finding a way to Tarrytown in the morning on Thursday and staying in Tarrytown Thursday night. I have to have an appointment on Friday to make sure all is well and then perhaps go back to the city on Friday, stay somewhere there, fly home Saturday. For someone who SUCKS at making travel arrangements, this ought to be one big job to undertake...and I've only got a few days to do it in ;)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:39 PM

October 28, 2005

Clarified

A few notes in my mind today... I've gotten a few email comments about my last post and my husband's response. Truth be told, I was totally not upset or in any way disappointed in his comment. In fact, nothing makes me happier than to hear his comment. The fact that he was totally able to get my needs out of his head and give me his honest answer means he feels comfortable enough and solid enough in our relationship to step outside of the box of walls. I don't necessarily want to be in a relationship with someone who just tells me what I want to hear. I'm happy that he was honest. True, as Don mentioned in his email "I'll bet you had a tornado of emotion and thought whirling around inside you" -- yep, I definitely did. I had the moment of "damn do I look deformed now, shit what have I done with myself, why did I do this, is it horrible, what will people think" moment or maybe two of them... but, in fact, it's more than that he feels from a vanity perspective that I should get them done it's because he feels good enough to recognize for himself that's what he wants because, in truth, I don't often see him do enough of that and the horrible person within realizes that sometimes I use that to my advantage when the goal of marriage gets lost in the day to day bullshit. It's a practice!

Anyway, I hope you get my meaning... The revisions are scheduled and I'm off to the east coast once again. I'm in so many ways already mourning my yoga practice. How pathetic is that. How attached I have become. We all are though, honestly... how the hell else could we sit around and blog about it, read blogs about it and talk about it even to people who have no idea what the hell we are talking about. I'm a fucking yoga groupie... is there a 12 step program for this (my friend PunkAssBitch is laughing right now because she knows that I think AA is, well, would never be my thing, I just don't work that way and she's laughing because she's cool that I feel that way and she's healthy via and with it...yea for everyone :> Actually PAB should do yoga... you know you really want to muhahahaha).

I'm totally getting stoked on Bauhaus being on Wednesday. It's funny speaking of talking about yoga... but there are few things these days that would get me out of my house, late on a yoga night, likely partaking in my favorite mind-altering atmosphere, you know the whole show.. Bauhaus, however, is one of them. TRIP the fuck out that I'm going with, check this out, my best friend, D, since I was 15. PAB whom I think I met right around the same time as D, or, no maybe she was D's friend, whatever, I can't even remember but PAB and I, we go way back...we're talking the drop acid, get on public transportation and have little kids tormenting us with hoses time of life... and then Mel, PAB's friend, I actually went to prom with Mel though I didn't really know her... she was dating my 4'11" boyfriend's brother, they were twins, they were both 4'11" -- lest you think you are reading someone else's blog... indeed I was 5'10" in high school. It should be fascinating... when we were in high school my car was called the "Bauhaus Bug" -- I don't really know why it got that name. Sometimes I think it is because I must have always been playing Bauhaus or something but then I think it was really just in honor of the beauty of the darkness of the time. I find it really cool that I'm 36 years old and I'm actually going to Bauhuas with three people I've known since I was 15. Sometimes I lament not having more "friends" but then I realize there are people in my life who've known me basically my whole life -- if you get right down to it, I'm 36, they've known me more than half my life... wild. It's pretty cool actually. Anyway, I'm totally looking forward to the show...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:02 PM | Comments (2)

Untitled

Last night The Husband didn't even attempt to sleep in our bed with me... The Daughter was claiming her rightful space within the radius of my body, hot she was. Tylenol did nothing. I spent the night listening to her either moan, fenangle her way closer to my body or grinding her teeth. When the alarm clock went off, I seriously considered just turning the damned thing off and going back to a fitful and non-restful sleep. Instead I got up, arranged the pillows around The Daugher as if she was still 1, drank a cup of chai and left for practice.

My body wasn't necessarily retaliating but a night of no sleep has it's effects and my body certainly wasn't happy like it was yesterday. In addition, I've never had a cup of chai before practice and, well, it felt like a sludge in my belly for the first half of the practice. I did a few jump throughs today but not with the tenacity and flow of yesterday. My practice wasn't the kind meditational, wonderfully inward practice of yesterday. I was worried about The Daughter, my revisions and my career. Today's practice was exercise.

Upon getting home The Daughter seemed a lot better... a bit warm but definitely more like her usual self. I suppose I will maintain the doctor appointment just to hear what he has to say... Oddly enough, Tim was absent today and I got an email from his wife later that he was also sick and that L, their daughter, who had gotten sick on the same day as The Daughter, also had the same relapse... okay one day then BOOM it came back again. Must be an odd bug floating around.

It appears my revisions will likely happen. I can't ignore what and how The Husband responded to me last night. Truth be told, they do bother me too.... but I'm saddened that I'll have to take the yoga recovery road yet again. Vain and egotistical that it is, it still is. That said, I now have to get my ass in gear and make plans... I have to get from Philadelphia to New York... it appears a train into Penn Station takes about 20 minutes less than an airplane. Since we all know how much I hate flying, I'll likely just take the train. With that settled, I have to figure out how to get to Tarrytown for my appointment on Friday, whether I should stay in the city on Thursday night, stay in Philly Thursday night and take the train up Friday (my appointment likely isn't until 10 or so) or find a way to get from Penn Station to Tarrytown on Thursday night and subsequently to a hotel. Larger in the scope is that, apparently, given that I'll be sedated, I can't drive myself "home" so I need to work out where to stay and how to get there when the procedure is done. I also need to buy a lightweight laptop though I can scarce afford it...but I can't carry my 10 pounder around with me. Sony makes a nice lightweight option. I asked The Anesthesiologist at practice this morning if I could practice in the morning pre-sedation... No was the answer. With all the traveling I've been doing, I need a travel agent, I'm so not good at this type of stuff.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:31 PM | Comments (4)

October 27, 2005

12 Hour Lessons

I forgot to mention that The Daughter awoke this morning with her fever back in full swing. We were really bummed and beat ourselves up with that magnificant weapon "Parental Guilt" since we let her go to PeeWee Sports yesterday afternoon. 103 again... *sigh* As another parent said to me today "When they get sick, the marry-go-round stops." So, it's been a long day... I've sat and held her while she burned against my chest and moaned... the Motrin appears to have discontinued it's usage. We've called the pediatrician but couldn't get in with ours tonight... We had to choose between going to the "on call ped" where we'd then have to explain why she isn't vaccinated, our oppositive to reckless use of antibiotics and our reliance on alternative healing methods as a first resort and that, often, we see a medical doctor simply so we understand what is happening, not necessarily because we will take the recommended medical route perscribed... or waiting for our own pediatrician who is already well aware of our family, our histories, our personal beliefs, etc. We chose the latter. I keep reminding myself that this does not make me Bad Parent of the Year.

So it is with no wonder that I finally got to shower tonight at7:30pm only with the promise that I'd come get her as soon as I was done. I took the iPod up to the bath and put on this Girish CD. It is the one that Tim was playing in Mysore a few days ago when I said the music was scary... It intrigued me because the beginning of the CD is this like rock and roll sanskrit chanting. Sita Ram with a guitar... then the last half becomes this wierd acid trance stuff of Hanuman or whatever. I also found, after like a year, my little box of aromatherapy. All the really good quality essential oils I have.. I used to be super into them and make all kinds of on the fly fragrances and whatnot... sandalwood mixed with lemongrass or combination essences... I never do that kind of stuff anymore, I simply don't have time. I realized to some degree that I've traded my leisure time of studying motherhood, birthing, breastfeeding, parenting in for my time on the mat.. When you only have an hour or so (okay, so I've stretched it out to two hours a day, I already have enough Bad Parent marks against me today) to yourself everyday, it's a choice. It's a choice whether you engage your brain with the study of books or subjects or whatnot or whether you spend it with a blank mind, internally, facing inward. I've chosen the latter, in large part, in exclusion of the former and that includes the ability to memorize sutras, pronunciation of words and other things I used to be quite good with an now suck at.

I also realized that there are a few asana and they vary by day, month, year, time of day... there is an asana that can teach you a lesson even if you aren't able to do it all the way... and sometimes that lesson takes hours to sink in. I forgot to mention earlier today, I was so jacked up on the energy and the spiritual feeling and love of my practice this morning that I didn't focus on anything very physical. Today, for the first time since surgery, was the first day I was actually able to lift into ultpluhti. I only got maybe a millimeter off the ground but I could see the light under there... and I only held it for a millisecond but I did it. It's like the first run on a very long ladder almost... it's the light in the tunnel and it's not that I want to get to the end of the tunnel, hell, I don't even know if there is an end of the tunnel, but it felt great to see the light, to remember that no matter what I've done to my body, my body is still there, still working, still strong.

These thoughts led me to my upcoming revisions... I can only hear Should I Stay or should I go now in my head... I've had various thoughts of vanity, the girl who comes to yoga who had breast cancer, removed a breast and had no reconstruction -- what amazing self confidence that must take.... how vain of me to give a shit. I've thought about the fact that my husband is 10 years older than me... what will it be like were he to die before me both of old age and accidentally... if I were in the position of ever having to be with someone else (or maybe I never would), would these breasts, with their issues be desireable or, in the very least, not something that was like an "Oh shit." When I took off my shirt the first time... something I didnt have to explain. Ultimately I decided that none of that mattered...that right now I'm squarely stuck in an "I have no idea what to do" mode. My gut is giving me nothing... I can see yes and no on both sides, completely even. So I went to The Husband and I prefaced my question with "Please do not answer me for 24 hours. If it takes you longer that's great. I need you to answer me with absolutely no regard for my feelings, my physical desires like yoga, nothing about me and solely about you and what you feel and think for yourself. You are the person I want to have sex with for the rest of my life, should I have these revisions? Is this what YOU want to look at for the rest of our lives?"

He stopped, looked at me and said "I want you to have the revisions. I want you to fix them."

That said it all.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:52 PM | Comments (1)

Finally Home

This morning was The Daughter's parent/teacher conference... if you ask me, preschool parent/teacher conferences should be non-existent. I mean, in preschool, if there's a problem you likely already know about it and if there isn't, what really is there to say. The conference went something like this:

Ms. J: We just love The Daughter. She's wonderful to have and we really don't want her to leave. She's the most empathetic child we've ever had and we can always rely on her to help us out.

Me: She is wonderful. I don't have any concerns, do you?

Ms. J: Nope.

That was worth an hour of my time ;) I sat in the parking lot for yoga reading Light on Life and waiting for my plastic surgeon's office to return my call. I am still vascillating on having this "revision." Is it worth it? Am I being vain?

I decided to go back to my usual spot for practice this morning. The room was crowded but at least heated up from the 7am class. My hamstrings were happy this morning and practice started off very nice indeed. In fact, I can really just sum up my practice by saying, everything just fell into place. I loved my practice today. I am high off practice. My practice felt like my practice and it hasn't felt that way in a very long time. It was hard to keep my mind clear and on the breath rather than how wonderful everything felt. I am elated to announce that I did jump throughs throughout my entire practice today. The first attempt was only the third or fourth attempt since surgery. The other attempts were horrid excuses for a jump through and I didn't attempt past the first one. Today, though nowhere near silent, they were okay, they felt good, I felt great... and I did them through the entire practice. I thought perhaps I'd only be able to make it halfway since I haven't done them in 4 months but, nope, no problems with stamina for jump throughs. Given that I was jumping through, my hamstrings were happy, my heart was happy and my breath was deep and slow, I was really hoping that Supta Kurmasana would also feel like home... while my legs felt pretty near straight in Kurmasana, I couldn't get bound for Supta and asked Kiran to come over and help me since Tim and Rich were both occupied. I did manage to do Titthibasana after with my legs over my shoulders which felt really nice though I wasn't able to pivot back. Setu Bandhasana felt absolutely splendid today... I didn't cut it short although I did consider the fact that my Setu Bandhasana dandruff has returned en force... My second series poses were feeling great... and I realized I just didn't want my practice to end so I started slowing down and taking more breaths where I could. Then my ego came up...

My ego said "This feels so great... maybe you'll get another pose today. Oh yes, that would be great... it would be so great to get another pose today... oh I want another pose today." The ego was just a tad jealous when the girl next to me got two new poses today... I finished with Ustrasana. Actually I realized as I was laying down for backbends that my ego had arisen and felt quite content by the time I came up for my first backbend... Backbends felt pretty good themselves. Tim and I did dropbacks... on the first standing (I do my 6 backbends, he finds me on the 6th one and helps me up) Tim said "Oooo powerful legs!" I actually felt powerful.

I still feel powerful... I feel fantastic.

The doctor's office called on the drive home... my revision is scheduled for the 10th. I have an interview in PA on the 8/9th. I wonder, though, did this amazing practice, this feeling of being home have anything to do with my vascillation on whether I should allow them to open me up again? Is it worth a few more weeks and however long a physical recovery to fix the cosmetic issues I now have? The doctor is telling me that the recovery is simple, nothing like what I've been through. I can fly home alone, carrying my own bags the next day. I won't be in a hospital, I'll be in his office, sedated but not under. On the one hand, I feel like if I did this, I'm only 36 years old, they DO look good but they also have some serious rippling that could be fixed.... Insurance will only pay for the next two months so if I'm gonna do it, now is the time... on the other hand, I feel like I've come so far do I want to have to heal again? I'm so unsure of the right path here.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:17 AM | Comments (4)

October 26, 2005

Yoga Photo Shoot

A little yogini begged me to take yoga pictures, she's quite proud of her new little outfit (Mommy has the matching pants only in black):

and, her favorite, mid-cartwheel

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:15 PM | Comments (7)

Supta K Where did you go?

I had the misfortune of listening to The Son coughing up a fit before I went to bed... this meant that instead of falling asleep, I fretted and listened and then fretted some more. For you non-parents, probably one of the hardest things about being a parent is when your little ones are sick. You feel helpless and scared. It's one of those times when you can't escape the reminder that these little ones are human too and therefore have their own mortality. Dosed on Motrin (see OKRGR, I actually can bring myself to do it though I hem and haw and worry over the little bodies all the while), The Daughter slept for awhile. I woke sometime later to her by my bed, telling me she had scary dreams. I opened the covers and in she came.... The next time I woke was to the alarm blaring in my ear. I couldn't believe it was already time for practice. I couldn't believe I didn't hem and haw internally over going.

Practice was different today. I've moved to the other side of the room of late. It's funny how just being 15 feet away from your normal practice spot has the ability to discombobulate you... I don't know why I moved. A few days ago all the spots where I normally practice were taken so I moved across the room. Today they were as well... A gentleman I've never seen before laid his mat next to mine, when Tim introduced himself I couldn't make out whether he practiced solo (which I believe, now, was the case) or whether he had just practiced with Dom in the past or currently did. My hamstrings weren't so happy at the beginning of practice and my pect muscle has been shying away from deep movements of late. I was trying out yet another (I swear I'm on about the 12th one now) deoderant today and I kept getting this whiff of something.... I finally determined that it was not me so it must have been coming from some other mat. It took me awhile to get over the fear it really was me though :) Wouldn't want to offend your teacher during particularly close adjustments. I was determined not to skip poses today and I was having a fairly stable and internal practice towards the beginning... As I was in Prasarita Padottansansa A I realized that the man next to me was putting himself into Mula Bandhasana. I haven't seen anyone do that except once in practice and a few times in demos so I found it interesting... a 4th series practitioner, you don't see that everyday (I guess unless you are in Mysore). I made a vow with myself that I wouldn't be a lookey loo and watch and I'm quite pleased to say that, for the most part, I did not. I managed to keep my own driste and breathing going. I'm really really enjoying this deep slow breathing. What is absolutely bizarre though is that it FEELS as if I'm going really slow through the series, today I finished faster than ever. I think the lack of chatarungas and some of the fancy transitions make the practice go faster. I miss those. Today I also had a distinct sadness pass over me in Supta Kurmasana. I simply can't do this pose anymore. I'd like to stay it is hamstrings or whatnot but the truth is, it is the bone or the pect muscle (I can't tell which is hurting). Tim came and put me into it today, he grunted that not so good grunt as he was muscling me in... I couldn't breathe enough to tell him that the pain was in my chest not my hamstrings. I hung out for about two breaths after he got me in and then came up. I had to sit and hold the bone of my chest... he looked at me and winced.. yea, that's how I felt too. I actually had a lot of Tim's attention today but I believe the attention was just because he was standing close to me observering Mr. 4th Series. I wasn't watching but a few times Tim made him stop and do something over or told him a sequence. I gathered based on comments that the gentleman was a solo practitioner. I wondered if he was given 4th series or if he gave it to himself. I wonder how, when you reach 4th series, you give yourself poses and how in the whole wide world you could possibly learn those without help. The few that I saw based on proximity looked incredibly difficult, said from a first series perspective. I don't think there's a "book" that walks you through the 4th series as there is with 1st and even 2nd. Perhaps when you get to 4th series it is all internal and within and the rest doesn't matter... somehow I doubt I'll ever know and that's okay with me... this lifetime holds much more for me than the mat can offer. My second series poses today seemed harder than normal. My back felt all locked up towards the sacrum. I'm guessing that's what lack of sleep does for the spine. What I did have today was a really nice savasana even though my head felt like it was going to split open.

On the career front things are ever-changing. I have two offers on the table. I have another firm interested (for whom I've been doing some consulting work) and this morning I was told that an MSFT partner might be interested too. What I do know is that I don't have to make a decision immediately and that I will have some choices.... I also know that with choices means I will not give up my Mysore practice even if that means giving up 40K a year (which is what it looks like that means). On the one hand, I feel quite comfortable saying that my asana practice is more important to me than 40K... on the other I think I must be a complete idiot. As any career minded person will tell you, your salary only goes up if you encourage it to go up. As my soul would like me to believe, money doesn't mean shit and my career is something I do to keep a roof over my head and The Daughter in gymnastics.

My plastic surgeon and I have been emailing... since I'm going to be going back east for an "interview" (though technically not since I could accept the offer today if I wanted), we are debating do the out of office procedure to fix my ripples. He says this means "opening up the pocket medially" which I have no idea what that means and sedating me in the office. I can go home in 24 hours he says and he says the recovery should be "nothing." I just can't decide... so I'm finding out if my insurance will cover any of it and then we'll go from there.... is it worth it?

The Daughter's fever appears to have finally broken... she's laughing and acting fairly normal this morning... Unfortunately, school is out for the next two days... it's been a long week and my head hurts... now off to collect apples for Healthy Choices day at The Son's school... my life as a mommy never stops.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:25 PM | Comments (2)

October 25, 2005

Samhain and Oreo Cookies

I was reading through the "On This Day" posts today... Fascinating. Two years ago I was sad that I felt my real life circle of friends had fallen apart. Indeed it had and I've never found a new one but I think, on some level, I'm past caring. The THREE (wink to D) of us are still the best of friends even if we only see each other every now and again... it doesn't matter if it's been two years or four or one, we always find ourselves out on the back patio with a bowl and halfway silly, halfway adult conversation (and side splits in jeans with no effort, you ass, whatever). Just like an Oreo cookie (but I dare say I'm not the white squishy part). I've also discovered that this week, for the past 3 years, has been a hellacious one. Perhaps I should write it on the calendar for next year "Please Note, the week before Samhain will be atrocious."

The Daughter's fever hasn't broken as of yet. I caved and gave her Motrin, I even went and talked to a Pharmacist (because I get confused in the medicine aisle).. I'm sure its going to be a long night again tonight. Goddess help me, I want only to have some time on the mat and then make it for my Healthy Choices Committee responsibilities tomorrow... I have a sneaking feeling I'll be lucky if that happens.

My best friend's wife left me a message tonight. She was high.. on yoga. She practiced at the studio with Tim for the first time this morning. It brought me back to remembering the days when I was a bit more gracious and grateful for my time at the studio. I sorta expect it out of my life now and I realize that, to some degree, that puts some pressure on my family.

I'm planning a thank you party for everyone that helped me while I was recovering... I wish that I could invite Kathy and my Belgian chocolate friend and Neti and Cameron (where the hell have you been dude?) and Clio and WIni from Lean, Long & Strong and all the various yogis and yoginis who sent me so much love and support. I'm planning a fun and games party..yes games! A yogi is going to be the chef and make wonderful veggie food, I'm going to give away prizes (via Raffle)... I've never actually thrown an adult party before, EVER. I've very nervous!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:07 PM | Comments (3)

Groan....

The Daughter was up literally all night last night. The last dose of Motrin appeared to have no effect and she was burning up, telling me her tummy hurt and I eventually just laid next to her comforting her all night. I had still planned to get up for yoga (as if I had to get up) and had arranged for The Nanny to pick her up in the parking lot and drive her home... only I slipped into my own bed at 7:30 to get a half hour of sleep before attempting a practice and didn't wake up until just moments ago... oh well... it's probably a good thing, Lord knows I have no energy after a no-sleep night and I am beginning to feel the tickle in my throat that indicates I'm likely the next one on the list to get the dreaded disease.... this SUCKS.

Pray for a miracle or a healthy immune system, either way you want to look at it.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:55 AM | Comments (1)

October 24, 2005

Wierd

I didn't get to practice yesterday. The Daughter appeared to be getting sick in the morning but then rebounded right around 10:30. I'm not sure if she was just not wanting me to go or what but I didn't. I was the good mommy and instead we went and did some errands together and just hung out. I spent more of yesterday reading. I read an entire book in one day, My Sister's Keeper. I have to tell you, I'm just not sure what to make of that book. The woman who gave it to me said that it was a great and happy story. I can't view it as such... it was god-awful depressing and I was certainly angry at the mother while reading it.

The boys finally got home from their Indian Guides trip... and I went straight to bed. I wasn't sure if I was feeling sick or if I just hadn't slept in so many days that I was rundown and burnt out. I didn't go to sleep but I did lay around reading and relaxing. The Husband wanted to talk a bit about the work situation but I realized that I am burnt out of talking about it. I need to just let it sit and stew and the answer will come to me. I got an email from BHLF#2 today.... they realize I have another firm interested and want me to fly out to meet them all so I know what I'm getting myself into. I will probably be making another trip back east soon. Any good ashtanga in PA?

I woke up periodically throughout the night. It must be stress that is causing me to wake up so frequently. The alarm went off and the first thing I heard was this awful screach/cackle/cough... The Daughter, now sick with fever just like The Husband and The Son had. Lovely. I sat on my bed and started to cry. I can't not go to yoga again... I have so much stress... I have to spend some time on my mat. So I convinced The Husband to bring her to yoga and meet me in the parking lot.

I had the wierdest practice. I knew I had 15 minutes short in my time for practice so I started immediately. I did 4As and 4Bs... did standing... was in Warrior I when I realized I forgot balancing poses. Duh... so I came out of the sequence and Tim looks at me... I say I forgot and he says "Ooopsie!" I had absolutely no balance on the first side of Utthita Hasta Padagustasana. My second side I can do the full standing splits pretty much now... much different than the first side. Then I proceeded through the rest of standing doing Utkatasana and the Warrior sequence a second time. About Janu Shirasana C I realized I had forgotten Trianga Mukha... duh... I didn't go back and do it. As I went through the rest of seated I felt dazed and confused. My breathing was deep and slow, the poses felt great but I felt lost. I could barely remember the sequence of poses, I was just spacey. I couldn't remember after Konasana sequence, what came next... I guessed Supta Padagustasana... silly. I finished first series, did Pasasana and then realized after Bhekasana that I'd forgotten Krounchasana... I decided not to go back and do that either since, given my earlier screw ups and slow breathing, I was dangerously close to being late for my parking lot pick-up.

I'm not sure what my deal was... why I kept forgetting poses... truly wierd. Sometimes I've forgotten Trianga but I've never forgotten the others... The Daughter is now on fire, she feels horrible..she's on the couch and things at the current job are about to explode here in 10 minutes on a conference call. Life... on and off the mat.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:49 AM | Comments (3)

October 22, 2005

Career Obsessed

All I can think about is what I'm going to do in my professional life. Do I stay where I'm at (an option that doesn't sound enticing or happy at all but is a known variety and has extreme amounts of flexibility)? Do I go with BHLF#2 that is an almost known entity in that I've worked with the director before and would have nearly the same flexibility I have now along with the same income? Or, do I play with fire, bet with myself that I'm as good, fast and smart as I think I am, chance a fate of extreme unhappiness and go with BHLF#2? The money would be absolutely fantastic and we could finally not worry about our property taxes, my surgical expenses, paying for preschool. Money isn't everything. In fact, money can make people horribly insecure, horribly greedy and horribly unhappy. Constant are thoughts running through my mind about what I should do both for me, my family and my lifestyle. I can't get away from them. I'm craving time on the mat. I'm craving the time to not think. I'm a firm believer that decisions have to come from instinct, from that special part of yourself that lives within, that tells you yes or no even if you aren't sure you believe in it.

I didn't sleep really well last night. The Daughter woke me up this morning but eventually gave up on my "just give me a few minutes" and made her own breakfast. She asked me every five minutes if it was time to leave for L's birthday party today (Tim's daughter)... I swear the morning took an entire day. Our neighborhood did "BOO" again this year. Our doorbell rang about 8 last night, no one at the door but a pumpkin filled with goodies. The Daughter thought a real ghost delivered it. It took a bit of convincing that, in fact, it was a neighbor who wanted to fill us with joy. With the incessant "Is it time to go yet" this morning, I decided to go to Target to get the BOO gifts we had to distribute (they BOO you, you have to BOO two people) before the party. We stopped for tea and croissants together... looked at Anthropologie and then left for the party. The Daughter had a great time.. non stop excitement. I, on the other hand, could barely keep my eyes open. As I looked around at the guests I realized I knew people but I didn't know from where. I finally asked someone...turns out there was a family there from The Son's preschool, 3 years ago... a family from my birth classes (and the maker of The Husband's surfboard), another family from The Son's preschool... what a small world it is. I could barely muster the energy to leave... though I knew I needed to.

We set out to do our Boo'ing before eating dinner. This involves preparing the baskets, sneaking up to the door and placing the basket, ringing the doorbell and running as fast as you can so you aren't caught. The Daughter had a blast.... the mood of the Boo'ing was only dampened when The Husband called to tell me that The Son appeared to have caught the nasty "bug" The Husband had before leaving for their trip... The Husband actually gave him drugs and he "appeared to rebound." They were having a good time but I have been really worried ever since. I'm not good with drugs being given to my kids and less good with my child having a nasty fever and bug and being so far away from home (and warmth).

Now I'm obsessed both about my career and my child (and not exactly in that order).

I had two glasses of wine tonight... The Nanny is going to watch The Daughter for me so I can practice tomorrow... I may not be able to find bandhas but at least I can sweat out the crap.... and hopefully let some of the inner intelligence bubble up to the surface...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:37 PM | Comments (1)

October 21, 2005

Things Get Wierder & Wierder

So I had the "interview" at BHLF#1 today. It wasn't really an interview. The offer was made to me, it was a one-liner in an email but I knew I didn't officially have to interview. It just so happened that the CKO was in town for a meeting and offered to meet in person to discuss it. As I mentioned, the offer was nice financially but there was seemingly absolutely no flexibility. I entertained the "interview" because it is always good to do so. The "interview" lasted two hours. First we went over their current KM implementation and we discussed where they are going next year. Then we got into my issues. Surprisingly, when I noted that salary wasn't the be all and end all for me, he explained that his "deal" is that I have to prove myself. If I can prove myself, my ability to get a damned good job done and done in a timely fashion that exceeds expectations then after I prove it, I have much more flexibility. In fact, flexibility enough that I can work 90% from home or from the office around the corner from my house. Not only is the increase in salary significant but there is also a substantial (meaning as much as I earned doing extra consulting last year) yearly bonus and a profit sharing bonus that will likely be just as much. This puts my salary well over what I ever thought I could make staying in this legal gig... and very enticing.

I have to say it was hysterical that in a very professional interview I explained that I am not willing to give up my yoga practice, that I practice at a particular level that excludes me from practicing at any regular "club" or "gym" and that I don't, in general, take "yoga classes" (because, really, how do you explain Mysore classes). I actually did this. In fact, I actually did this before I even mentioned the priority of my children (shame faced icon goes here).

I have some time.... my current work just gets suckier by the day. BHLF#2 came back to me later this afternoon as well... there would be no proving ground there but about 30-40K less a year. Programming wise, BHLF#1 will keep me not only in a very cool customized position that includes not only my expertise but also a general slant towards the upcoming "buzz" words in the industry. BHLF#2 includes some of the buzzwords but has nothing to do with my expertise. BHLF#2 is a known entity, I've worked for the "boss" before, I know he knows my feelings on life, yoga and spirit. BHLF#1, I was greeted with a hug instead of a handshake today.

You ask the Gods and the Gods respond by presenting you with a list of situations in which one has to really search for the soul, the perfect option, the perfect family situation, the right thing for my physical asana practice, the life practice (all the other limbs)... This is going to take quite a bit of thought... practice... and intuition.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:28 PM

Sleepy Pumpkins

I slept like crap last night. I was in and out of consciousness, listening to the labored breathing and sniffling of my sick husband and having the wierdest nightmares about being fired from my job. As if I care right now if I'm fired from my job but I was definitely having nightmares about it. It's so strange because The Husband has been saying for a month or so now that change for me was coming, that he could hear it in my discussions and my attitude about work. I haven't been so sure. Mysore is too important for me and I worked too hard to get to this schedule (as an "accepted schedule" in our household) to let go of it now for work. As things have gotten progressively worse and worse at work, I've despaired about what I will do. Yesterday I decided to send an email to the director at big huge law firm #2, we'll call it. We had talked earlier in the year about a position and I explained that given issues surrounding my surgery, the timing wasn't right. We had left it that we'd talk again at the beginning of the year. Since I have an interview today (did I mention big huge law firm#1 and the 15k raise?, okay if I didn't, a couple days ago I got an email out of the blue, I didn't apply or know or ask about a job, from big huge law firm#1, offering me 15K on top of the raise I'm STILL waiting for from my employer but it would be 7 days in an office...I think I did mention this) I decided I should really have ALL the balls moving, so I emailed director at BHLF#2 and explained the situation, that I'd decided no more surgery, that I was increasingly dissatisfied with my current job and that I'd been out of the blue offered this other job at BHLF#1. I got a nice email back saying he'd look into what he could do either now or the first of the year so I had all the cards on the table.

I woke up long before the alarm this morning, got up, checked email and dressed for yoga. I paid to have The Nanny come this morning and get The Daughter for the school field trip to the pumpkin patch.... I wasn't missing practice again. Last night I could tell my moon would start today but I decided if I got up and willed it to wait til this afternoon then maybe it would. I needed to practice after my fitful and scary dreams last night. I got to practice and was the first one to start. I was so focused on needing my space and a concentrated practice that I just delved right into it. Mr. Eye Candy was practicing next to me today.... I barely noticed him. My practice was nice and centered and calming. I was full of breath today. I was surprised at just how calm my breath was, how deep and even. Often I feel jagged breathing escaping from me, probably I am moving too fast or not paying enough attention. It was a dramatic difference today. On the other side of me was The Anesthesiologist. He was in Maya Tulum and I had talked to him about my surgery and my fear of the drugs. When he was finished he leaned over and asked when I was having surgery... I told him I had it 3 months ago. He was surprised. He said he thought I had said I was having it in the summer but when he was watching me practice he couldnt' tell I'd had surgery so figured it had been put off. He said he's seen a lot of breast reconstruction and can't believe I'm doing waht I'm doing... he said it is amazing. He also laughed at my story about asking the anesthesologist to not give me narcotics. While meditating I gave myself over to the practice. I asked that the answer to my career and what path I should take present itself and that I knew that handing myself over meant the right thing would appear.

Immediately after practice I had to takeover for The Nanny at the Pumpkin Patch. I stopped at Starbucks and got a chai. I should have known it wouldn't be enough and I walked like a zombie as The Daughter ran from one thing or another. My phone rang, it was the director from BHLF#2... we needed to have the money talk. He essentially told me that he believes he can pull off an equal salary to what I make now, a small signing bonus and complete telecommuting with limited travel. He has to run it by the Powers That Be but that he thinks it is going to be doable. WOW.... give yourself over to the practice and all is coming. I won't be doing my little "niche" programming but I will be staying doing some Information Worker development and then a more broad scope applications development and integration which is fine.

My moon came immediately when I got home...Thank you Gods, thank you moon.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:30 AM | Comments (1)

October 20, 2005

Pray To The Gods

Today I'm praying... I'm praying that whatever sickness has integrated itself into our home passes me by. I am, so far, feeling wonderfully healthy minus the fact that I got about an hour of sleep last night. The Daughter released the contents of her belly sometime around 5pm for the first time. After I convinced her to get in bed and try to rest, the remaining belly contents came rushing forth...this time I wasn't quick enough and it landed squarely in her bed (but, thankfully missed the expensive pants I was stupidly wearing). I finally convinced her, that she had throw up in her hair and she should take a bath. Once I got her in there and bubbled up, she started playing, seemed fine. Go figure. I already knew, however, that there was no way I could leave her sleeping alone because if she threw up again having her alone in her room wouldn't be good. I resigned myself to having to sleep in her uncomfortable and short bed. The Husband is sick, fever, chills, stuffy nose. The Son was fascinated with the fact that his sister puked and grossed out all at the same time. I did manage to down a glass of wine before trying to fall asleep.

The Daughter is not much of a bedside companion, she kicks, she hates covers and, for the most part, if she feels my body next to her, she's all over me. I knew this would lend itself to a sleepless night but combine that with the fact that I didn't know at what moment she would puke again and I certainly didn't want it in my face (I've had that happen as a mommy and that is not fun), nor did I want to sleep in the dark in case I couldn't see her and see where the puke was going.... so I slept, or didn't sleep, with the closet light on, waiting for the puke to come. At some point in the night she awoke and had to pee. I got her to the bathroom, afraid it was starting on the other end.... fortunately, she just did her business and went back to bed. Shortly thereafter I must have dozed off and I awoke to her climbing over me to get out of bed...she went to the bathroom then I heard her gulping water. OH NO I thought..NO!!!! NO!!! NO!!!!! She climbed back in bed and about 5 minutes later, her stomach, in pure vengeance let the water go. UP we got, all the lights on, fortunately, I had been smart enough to put towels down on the bed and managed to catch it all in the towel. Got her clothes off (for you non-parents, children do not know how to throw up nicely, it gets in their hair, all over their fingers, up their nose, you get the pictures), got her somewhat cleaned up in the sink, noticed it in her hair, sigh, try to wash it out. Finally get her back to bed and I'm up basically the rest of the night. When the clocked ticked over to 6am I decided I needed a half hour of sleep so I left her room and went to my own where the completely sick Husband was getting ready for a mandatory, no way to get out of, meeting in Orange County. I passed out, woke up to him leaving and telling me The Daughter seemed fine, she had consumed a half a bagel and a class of Vitamin Water.

Today was the big Halloween play at The Daughter's preschool and she was the lead actress (a fantastically wonderful witch). I didn't know if she was telling me she felt fine because she didn't want to miss the play but she had no fever through any of this and she held down the bagel. I took her to school and found out that 3 other children had also vomited overnight. One had vomited all night long, another vomited twice and another only once during school the day before. The all night long child was absent but everyone else was there. A virus that spreads and then hits everyone the same day seems fishy to me. They had pizza for lunch, could it have been the cheese. None of them had symptoms other than the vomiting, no fever, no sore throat, nothing.

The Daughter did a spectacular job as a witch in the play. She's a natural ham. I asked her if she wanted to stay and she did. I've called the school, they say she's fine but the other little girl who threw up had to go home. The Nanny's car broke, The Husband is in OC and I'm here at home where I just got an email from the plastic surgeon indicating I owe $10K. I am having massive freak out attacks...how can I pay that bill (and any idea of Maya Tulum just went RIGHT out the window)? I'm trying to find a way to wrangle a practice out tomorrow morning.... given everything, man, I NEED a physical practice right now.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:44 PM | Comments (1)

October 19, 2005

Where Did The Gods Go?

The gods have deserted me.... the puking has come... all over me, the floor, the poor child is scared. This means no yoga tonight, no play in the morning which may be more devastating than the expulsion of all she ate. 24 hour bug I hope. no fever as of yet.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:07 PM

Crappy Day, Crappy Week

I don't get to practice tomorrow either. Well, I could, but then I'd officially be the worst mom in the world. The Daughter's preschool is giving a Halloween play in the morning at 9am. I think I'll wear my yoga clothes nad hope it only lasts 20 minutes....somehow I doubt it but you never know. I think that means I will attempt to make the late class at the health club. It's at 7pm which SUCKS but you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm miserable at work. M I S E R A B L E. I really need a resume writer. I have no idea how to tailor my resume for a market outside of legal. I'm being told that's what I really need to do... I have no idea how. I'm great in the legal field. I got a job offer today, I didn't even appy, 15K raise (from what I'm supposed to be making now, don't even get me started that I'm still waiting for my raise from APRIL of this year, I was told what it would be, it hasn't shown up), great benefits, good work environment, would love the boss.... but I'd have to work f/t in an office and 3 days a week in L.A., two days a week in O.C. Read - no yoga, no family life, no fun, no thanks. I have another potential law firm who likes me. I've been doing some consulting work for them. They might be interested in some flexibility but definitely can't pay me like the offer above. Money isn't everything, flexibility most definitely is. If only I weren't addicted to yoga. If only I didn't care about seeing my kids during the day. If only the world didn't revolve around the all mighty dollar (and our lives didn't need to include being near to decent surf).

I need a stiff drink (except I don't drink stiff drinks) and some chocolate. After yoga... afterall, no practice tomorrow *SOB* (Hey, K, not sure what that means for Honeys...suppose I could meet you after the play for Honeys anyway).

Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:16 PM | Comments (1)

October 18, 2005

Getting Lighter

I felt like a bad mommy this morning. The Daughter's school starts at 8:45. Well, technically, that's what time you can start dropping off but circle (i.e., class) doesn't start until 9. The thing is, her school is exactly 10 minutes away from the studio, which means including parking time and exiting, you've got really about 2 minutes to drop her off and leave. All the other mommies stay til circle is over an then leave (like 9:15) but I don't, I get the daughter in with preciseness and kiss her goodbye a couple times as I say "Ok love, have a GREAT day. Remember I told you I have to just drop you off so I can make it to yoga on time." This morning, on the way to school, I was giving the obligatory "warnings," "Mommy is just going to drop you off, remember I can't stay." The Daughter said "Mom, one day when you don't have yoga, do you think you could stay for circle like all the other mommies?" If you didn't hear it, that was the sound of my heart breaking. Of course, it didn't stop me from dropping her off in a rush yet again but it did stick with me all day long.

On the way to yoga I called The Husband to cry and rant and rave about my work. Things just get suckier everyday. Today I ended up basically yelling at my boss in the middle of Trader Joes.

My practice today was pretty good. Not like the humidity of Atlanta and New York but pretty good nonetheless. It felt good to have Tim back, the energy is just different when the Cat is away. I can't think of anything of note to blog about, it was one of those much more internal practices that are finally starting to come back versus the measure of my discomfort they have been since surgery. I really wanted to like backbends today. At first they felt like crap. But by the 4th one they were feeling okay. After one of his grunts in New York that I hadn't heard in awhile after backbends, I wondered if he'd start doing our little thing of him asking me "how many" everyday and then helping me up on my 6th one. He did. At the end he said "Good, getting lighter."

Funny because I actually do feel a lot lighter in my everyday life.... though I generally don't feel such lightness in my backbending. After practice I went and met up with one of my first yoga teachers, he's just back from a year traveling in India and we'd emailed a few times during his trip. It was fascinating to talk to him. I learned very much and had to explore myself more than a few times to discern and digest his experience. I love conversations like that.

So tonight when I realized that I can't practice tomorrow I was seriously bummed. You see every other Wednesday is our day in the classroom. Which means one of us has to be in the classroom from 8-9 and the other has to be getting The Daughter to school at 8:45. I could even try to make the noon class but things at work are so bad and I have a meeting around 11 and then I have a meeting at firm I am advising on contract too tomorrow so there's just no way. I felt heavy after this realization, tormented by the idea of finding a way... I've come to accept it can't happen... just as I've come to expect to one day I have to accept being late and perhaps not being able to do my whole practice because I have to stay for circle time. Perhaps I'll find some lightness in circle, you never know.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:14 PM | Comments (2)

It's Just Me

Tonight someone I am professional peers with and I were talking. We occasionally discuss more personal things like where we live, family stuff. Tonight he made a comment about me professionally and not dismissing what I look like. It brought up the whole "girls don't like me because I'm a threat" thing. Quite honestly, this is something I've heard a bazillion freakin' times in my life and it is one of those things that I stare at and I think I must be quite blind because I JUST don't get it. He followed up in the usual way, "come on, you REALLY don't get it?" I have to honestly say, no, I just REALLY don't get it. I usually hear a list of reasons why, all to do with outward appearance. Quite often these lists include attributes about myself that I simply do not feel and I have to really think about what it means that other people perceive me in a way I just have no knowledge within myself about. I end up in this cycle of doubt because I truly can't believe (and, in large part I can say I simply don't want to believe so I refuse to) that the world can be so damned based on appearances instead of on the intent of each of us as human beings. I really try, in most of my life, to practice right mindfulnes, right consciousness, right intent. I fuck up a lot. I make ten tons of mistakes, some of which I notice and process, others which escape me for the moment and others which are likely part of that which I need to take with me into the next life but, in large part, I'm quite aware of the necessity of checking in with your intent. It sucks to believe that no matter what your intent that because you are tall or short, thick or thin, etc the intent is disregarded in favor of some stereotypical social response.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:01 PM | Comments (4)

October 16, 2005

Addendum To This Evening's Post

I figured I should make a serious and non-hidden meaning title this time. I don't know why, I was just in the mood. I forgot to mention, for myself and later reflection, today was the first time I was able to do a headstand and not sift through the immediate sense of discomfort and edge since surgery. I even was able to hold it the whole count. I didn't try ardha as I figured that might be pushing it just a touch.

Ever since, I've had this fleeting desire all day, us ashtangis you know, we frequently reminisce about our time on the mat at various moments throughout our day, anyway, fleeting desire to go into a handstand. I haven't even attempt to put my hands in the position since... earlier today I tried just sorta putting some pressure in my hands and wondered... then tonight I took a hot bath, played with lifting my body weight, not so easy at all actually, very scary. When I got out I brushed my teeth hanging over in uttanasana. I even laughed at myself (for you non-yogis that meant I was brushing my teeth upside down)... then I decided I just had to go for it so I attempted a handstand. It didn't hurt and I actually got into starting from standing with no pain. I did a few more and then got closer to the wall so I'd be forced to carry more of my weight. That didn't hurt either. Then I was actually able to pull my feet off the wall for maybe a whole inhale and exhale (though I don't think I was actually breathing). The Husband walked in during this last attempt... he opened the door, looked at me and said 'Uh, what are you doing?' as if he was surprised to find his wife in some precarious position. I can't wait to try it tomorrow in our driveway. Our garage door top to bottom is the PERFECT size for me to do handstand. If I can get my hands in the right position, I can go completely vertical within the two sides and my feet just graze the very top... I can really hold the handstand with just that little place to spot me, I used to do it all the time (the neighbor kids think it's great, the girls say "WOW, you are soo good!" before they proceed to do effortless drop backs to show me their skillset as well).

I also discovered today why I don't like music in class or in savasana. The meditational experiences of chanting/kirtan are far different for me than asana. I think in savasana I really like to meditate on the energy I've created but find that, with music on, I'm often transported by the music.

I was thinking about Divali tonight.... and how I first started listening to chanting with Tibetan chanting. It's beautiful. I birthed The Daughter to it. I'd probably pick sanskrit chanting now which got me to thinking about my path and where's been and gone. I studied Buddhism for years and, I guess, would call myself a practicing Buddhist (fledgling)... but I guess I still always thought something was missing, something that felt like home. One of the things I love about Hinduism the more I study it is the celebration of life and culture. That's the part that feels like home. I don't think I can "be Hindu" (I'm not really clear on the whys therein but that is how I feel inside) but, where the Christian holidays are too Christian for me, the Pagan holidays a little too "witchcraft" for me (though we do celebrate the Wheel of the Year), I love the spiritual essence of Hindu holidays like Divali in celebration of the great return to the city. One of the things I do wish we had here that New York seems to have is more classes and such outside of the physical practice of asana. Pujas and sanskrit classes and whatnot....

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:38 PM | Comments (3)

Too Many Blogs

When I open up Moveable Type to create an entry I see a ton of blogs. I could go look and see how many but I'm sure you can count the numbers yourself. Most people see only their blog, as the administrator I see them all, and I just know that one day I'm going to click the wrong "Create New Entry" button. So if a wierd ass post ends up your blog, you'll know why ;)

Last night I had a little dinner party for my two best friends, their families and a professional peer crashed with his family as well. I always know when I have my friends over that things are just going to be cool. There's no drama and no wierdness, no issues and no sidetracked plan on anyone's parts. We all just eat on paper plates sitting cross legged on the family room floor. I was only this side of green when D, my best friend since I was 15 and regular reader of my blog ;>, decided to prove to me that, indeed, a man who does not practice yoga in the sense of yoga asana but has much of his own yoga in other modes, can do somakansana (side splits), in jeans, without warming up, after a huge dinner of fajitas AND a piece of Snickers Pie, without effort. I was beyond green to a deep path of emerald forest, so green, it's almost black, when his wife told me she's doing Maya Tulum this year. Man, it's all I can think about. I want to go. I don't know why but I really do. I know how greedy it is. I also know that if I pushed the issue with The Husband and told him how deeply driven I am to talk and do nothing but yoga (as if he doesn't already know that) and that Tulum is just part of that, he would let me go even though we have two surgeries to pay for plus an expensive follow-up visit... I keep telling myself it is not okay to do that....

Practice this morning was iffy. I'd had a couple glasses of wine last night, okay, yes, and a piece of the Snickers pie (people who eat Oreos would be snickering if they read this). I decided, given the moon day tomorrow, that no matter how tight I was, I should go. I didn't even leave until quarter to ten and my car was on empty. The "miles to go" thing said 18 miles so I decided to go for it. It probably didn't mean 18 miles going 90 mph but, hell, I made it in time. Non-Blogging OKRGR was sitting out front. Sundays are always different because the whole vibe is different. For the most part, then people who come to Sunday first series are generally not the people who come to Mysore everyday (I always wonder where all those Mysore people are on Sundays...) It's funny how you become used to the combination of energies in the room when you practice Mysore. I immediately missed Kiran's adjustments though. My best friend's wife showed up too... I think it was her first time at Tim's (Tim isn't here now, however). The class was packed and I ended up in this wierd space toward the front. I was like "off balance" with the rows and was the only person sorta "between mats" in my own little row... maybe everyone thought I was a rebel ;) Class itself was okay. I didn't attempt a single chatarunga today and Supta K wasn't coming even a little bit. During backbends I was waiting for help but OKRGR and Rich were at the back of the room.. up walks C and helps me, she's so tiny and I wasn't ready for her when I came up and I swear I almost went over her. After class I had a really nice talk (okay so just a tad of gossip too) with OKRGR over coffee (and, bad influence that he is, chocolate something or other, it had frosting).

I then proceeded to forget to eat all day. I had a work meeting and then I was reading and I just plum realized that I hadn't eaten, that I was about to pass out and that my head was killing me. I knew I had gotten somewhat dehydrated at practice (that's what the alcohol does) and I think it had its toll on me. The Husband went out and got Indian food and I didn't have the heart to tell him I was supposed to be going to the club to the Yoga for Breast Cancer thing. I wanted to be there for Kiran but I knew if I went that I had just completely crossed the line after being gone 3.5 hours this morning for yoga (you know yoga, the chats afterwards and then finally the coffee....). I felt really sad missing it but, then, on the other hand, I'm having that whole wierd reaction to the idea of Breast Cancer Awareness month -- almost like I didn't really want to go anyway because I'm afraid to face it... I'm afraid halfway of being in a room full of people and thinking "I really do want them to feel for me, this has sucked, who wants to go through this shit?" and then thinking "This is so personal and so silly, I don't need anyone else's validation." It's that fine tip of the balance point and you aren't sure which side you're going down.

Moonday tomorrow and like a good ashtangi I saved the nice bottle Jenna sent for the moonday. It was lovely, thank you.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:37 PM | Comments (2)

October 14, 2005

Harder Than A Chatarunga

I was hoping to go to the steam room before practice tonight so that I could loose up. I'm suddenly sad that my supta k is non-existent again. In Atlanta it felt so amazingly wonderful, like it was before surgery (shall I just coin B.S. now?). Unfortunately, I got talking to the neighbor about books (she has passed me My Sister's Keeper and Pieces of Me and I passed off The Gilded Chamber, simply a wonderful read on Queen Esther, and Sarah, another Old Testament historical fiction book that is very nicely written and reminiscent of The Red Tent) and when you get me talking about books, I often have such a list of things I've recently read, well, the conversation ended up going pretty long and by the time I finally left, I was passing Kiran in the hallway. First let me say that Kiran is a brilliant teacher. I really enjoy her classes and her energy in them, her jokes and seriousness at the same time. It is a reflection of her dedication, passion and teacher. The hamstrings weren't as tight as yesterday. Uttanasana wasn't a big deal in comparison to yesterday when the head was nowhere near the knees. Today there was that nice little nuzzle when your nose is between your shins and you can wiggle just a touch and feels so perfect. I was wearing these pants that I hate, the fabric is just wierd, it "sticks" in all the wrong places while practicing. I knew I shouldn't have worn them and it didn't help that there were mirrors all over the room so that I could see them from every possible mustard yellow angle (note to self: no more mustard colored pants for me). It was wierd too because of the energies in the room. There was the guy that I used to go have drinks with after class, recently divorced and the total English party bloke. There was the sweet girl, so giving in her friendship but for whatever reason you just don't seem to meld. There was the guy that I practiced next to everyday at Guruji's workshop. The lawyer with the stay at home dad that I know only through yoga but ran into once at a restaurant. There was the woman whom I'm not real sure about but that likes to have "deeper" conversations than "Hey, how's it going." In fact, she told me tonight she was recovering from whatever the surgery is that LAPROXDOC does (the laprox part) and how yoga is affecting the recovery (I feel sorta bad because I got interested in what Kiran was talking about after class and she left without my saying goodbye... am I now a yoga snob?). There was the older Indian guy that you always say hello to. You know absolutely nothing about him but have this soft spot for him because one of your old instructors would consistently mock an Indian accent in class and you thought, on some level, that must really offend the older Indian Guy. There was a friend from the shala (odd for being at the gym). And then a few others that you didn't know at all.

Anyway, things were alright when I got to Setu Bandhasana and BOOM. When I tried to come up I got this sharp ass stabbing pain on the side of my breast, more like on the side not on the breast at all but, as we all should be aware, breast tissue goes all the way back and so the surgical healing site includes the side. I did a backbend and the pain was becoming more severe. Like sharp stabbing little energy pricks that feel like someone is searing a hole in you. It's like the pin needles after your foot falls asleep on steroids. I had to stop and just breathe for a minute. Kiran came over and I told her about it and she said "Yep nerve endings regenerating!" If no one has ever told you before nerve ending regeneration hurts. In fact, I can still feel the little pricks right now. I also felt like a dumbass for utpluthi... I was just sitting there but, let's face it, at this point, it is simply too early to try and pushing myself to try it would be just pain stupid.

I know I am doing some pretty darned amazing things for just being 3 months post bilateral mastectomies but I just have to keep reminding myself that there is an edge I should honor that isn't necessarily mental (because I find that normally my edges are purely in the mind). It's challenging for me because I normally find process of pulling down the edges a completely engrossing project.

Today I talked to someone I know professionally about what I should look to do. I think I need a resume writer. I've never written a resume for anyone outside the legal field. Up to now I've never had the desire to do so but I wonder if I've just moved off this verticla market and am ready to do something else. I mean, I've been doing this since I was 17, almost 20 years. We'll see what happens... I've got my practice times to consider.

Have you ever made something and it was just this perfect thing at the perfect time and you almost OD on the one thing. Not that you eat a lot but, rather, that when you prepare a meal, that's what you want for it. So you eventually eat it so much it's all you are eating. Last night I made this salad.... Argulua with Feta Cheese and Lentil & Couscous and Grape Tomatoes. I boiled the lentils then took a cup or so and cooked the couscous with it... then you put it atop argulua (wonderfully bitter which is unusual to say) and mix in some white wine vinegar and olive oil and fresh mint... and top it with feta and grape tomatoes. It was in this month's Vegetarian Times. I made it for dinner last night and it was so damned good. I'm in love with it. I was eating fresh Parmesan, Romaine and olive oil vinegrette everyday but I might have to switch to this heavier salad... it was so good. I ate the rest of it tonight after practice. YUM!

You know you are a member of the Ashtanga Internet Blogging Fanclub when you get a bottle of wine delivered to your doorstep by another fanclub member just for looking at her stylesheet. Now, of course, you whined about it on your blog but you meant it in the lighthearted manner that she took it in (afterall, it was pretty funny).... Just getting the wine might not mean you are a full fledged member but when the gift card says "Do not open until a moonday," well, you can pretty sure then. By the way, Kiran, you were right, the moonday is Monday. Thursday is Honeys?

Sometimes when I think "why the heck am I doings this blogging thing" I think about a post I've made or one that I've read via the On This Day link and I think to myself that I'm so grateful to have this time to blog and to have the discipline to do so. This, one day, I'm going to hand to my kids. I don't know if they'll be 16 or 17 or 20 or 30 but, some day, that's what I'm going to do. It's not that I think my kids will gain any insight other than I'm yoga obsessed but I hope that sometimes something other than that gets through. For whatever reason it helps me that it is here and not in a paper volume somewhere. They have to learn more about me from my blog entries than I ever knew or know about my parents. Last night was the first time one of our children have called us, directly, a "bad name." The Son called The Husband a "jerk" -- I was mortified. I decided I needed to be very stern with him. I told him he was not allowed to play his Gameboy for media time today. An hour or so later, at dinner, he made a wonderfully spontaneous and beautiful apology to his dad. So today his dad forgot and gave him the Gameboy... I came out and was the bad guy. He got tearful, we all talked about it and, in the end, decided the punishment was stupid. He had recognized later what had happened, he had of his own desire apologized, what else could we ask. We all do stupid things and say stupid things and it's all part of the path. I don't have my ice cream taken away when I call someone a jerk. So, we talked about it and we talked about how we were conflicted, on the one hand we felt like to be good parents we needed to stay consistent but we also recognized that the "effect" we were desiring had transpired within and that there was nothing to "correct." In the end, we agreed that he could play but we all needed to work on using gentle words even when we are angry. Afterall, we are all mirrors of each other.

Ah, you've read all this way and you haven't figured out how to tie in the title yet, eh?

Trying to spoon out a few spoonfuls of Ben & Jerry's Organic Chocolate & Brownie ice cream.

Harder Than A Chatarunga.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:49 PM | Comments (3)

Tricky Alarms

The alarm went off at 6:12 this morning as it was set to do. I was having this wierdly detailed but somewhat scary dream.... I couldn't find the alarm and I dabbed around on the bedside table for awhile before finally hitting the snooze button. I tend to do this, hit it, then stir myself out of bed... only... I didn't get out of bed... and the alarm never went off again. Then it was 7:08 and I'd missed practice. Now I can decide if I want to do the first series class at the club (and hope that the good teacher is there because the bad teacher I'd have to walk out on -- Kiran do you know?) or try the Intro to 2nd (wonder who is teaching it with Tim gone) but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that and the backbending. Ustrasana is fine but Kapotanasana? I just can't decide.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:58 AM | Comments (1)

October 13, 2005

Growing Pains

As per my entry from yesterday, I did not grow up yoga and I'm now back in the dry weather of Southern California. My practice today was, well, not pleasant. It was one of those practices where none of your body parts are working together and this includes your mind. In fact, just to give you an idea of how discombobulated my practice was, I skipped Supta K, Baddha K and only stayed in Setu Bandhasana for like 2 breaths or something. I didn't even attempt dropbacks today. I could come up with a host of reasons for why I had a crappy practice:

- I hadn't had much sleep in a week and so I gently encourage sleep last night herbally which sometimes leaves me a little heavier in the morning.

- I ate at 7:15 where I usually eat my yogurt at 6:45... the half hour could have made a big heavy difference.

- I've been pretty stressed out and The Husband and I had a difficult emotional evening.

- There's no humidity

- It was 9am instead of 6pm

- I ate a candy bar last night that I found left in my bag from the flight home

- I had pizza at California Pizza Kitchen last night... I normally never eat pizza or that much bread.

But, the truth is, any combination of these things could also happen on a day when I have lots of energy and lightness so I'd venture to guess that the mirror of asana has more to do with just having an off day than anything else. There is always tomorrow.

Lest I forget in today's blog entry about how much work sucks... work sucks EVEN MORE today. Yes, friends, I was told today that I must go to my peer and have her assist me in getting the answers to my questions so I can continue my project. Talk about a slap in the face. It undermines my effectiveness, it smacks of unprofessionalism and makes me look like a fool. My peer has a good friendship with the person standing in the way of the answers, in fact, they are buddy buddy so, of course, she can get the answers but, the point is, it shouldn't matter who is friends with whom, it's a business issue. Can we get anymore high school here? We all know "gossip" happens around the watercooler so PersonX is sure to tell PersonY who is my contact for another department how she dislikes me (I've met her for two seconds only) and how she deals with my peer rather than me. This information spreads and wala, my reputation and skill level are doubted across the firm. I'm really livid and if I seriously thought that either of the two "sorta outstanding" job offers I have would allow me a 5 day a week practice, I'd have walked out today but, so far, I'm not willing to jeopardize the flexibility and I believe my director is fully aware of that. How much longer can I put up with it, I don't know.

I've noticed a bit of rippling in my breasts now that attention was brought to it by the doctor. They aren't perfect but they are a lot better than other mastectomy reconstructions I've seen too. Do I want them perfect? Does it matter? Does the little bit of rippling make a difference? Should I allow him to fix it (he says it would be an out of office procedure that wouldn't take long at all)? Can I even afford that? It's partly that I was so insistent on not going bigger than he didn't use the larger size implant and, as a result, I have some extra skin up top. You can actually tell that this is what it is by pushing the implant in and forcing it to "act a bit bigger." I am wearing my dreaded post-surgery sports bra today to see if it makes any difference.

As I mentioned on Yoga Chickie's blog (too lazy to link), this October Breast Cancer Awareness month has really hit me hard. I missed the opportunity to go do the Breast Cancer walk with our local health club and even with our street as I missed the sign up email. I did buy the Coach Breast Cancer watch... I feel like I've cheated this disease but feel like a schmuck when I think of women like Kiran and other friends and relatives fighting this horrid disease and having to go through much worse than I've gone through. I know it's silly... It's survivor's guilt as YC said. I guess it is another thing I have to process.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:39 PM | Comments (2)

October 12, 2005

Growin' Up Yoga

It's been a long day... work is just more and more sucky everyday. I rarely talk about work outside of work so when you start to see "work sucks" across my blog everyday you can rest fairly assured that work really does suck, that the only thing in my brain is the wonder of what the next phase of this journey will be. I hate to say it, but a big change like changing jobs really does have the most potential for upheaval of the precarious balance we call our lives. I have to admit that, in large part, probably the very first thing (I'd so love to type the second thing or 'amongst the first things' but the truth is it is the first) I think of is "Well, will I have time for a daily practice still?" It's like I'm willing to sit here thinking "work sucks" everyday or risk the luxury of working when I want for a reasonable fee and somewhere I made the decision that thinking work sucks is the better option. Perhaps I just need to change my whole point of view. Regardless, work did suck today what little I managed to do of it. I have so much "scheduling and reporting and crap" that I have to do now at work that I almost get nothing done for it.

I picked up The Son at 12:35, ran back to the car, raced over to Cardiff to pick up L for the afternoon. Whenever I go to pick up L at the Waldorf school I have a serious pang of the what-ifs. I know half the school now, all the old "alternative parenting play group" moms that I've lost touch with over the years. It's not that, would I have a baby I would do any of those things differently but I've felt as we've grown up that I just am not so "alterna" anymore. I mean, in my neighborhood I'm a freaking granola eating freak with tattoos but I'm so wholly not an AMU person anymore (yea, none of you yoga folks will get that reference) with my kids at the age they are now. Even still, there's a huge part of me that is still all, well, lustful about all things remotely fairy and fullness. Did I make the right choice for my kid? Is that public school, teach 'em to read by the end of Kindergarten going to destroy his heart capacity? And this, by the way, could be anything... plug in "should I have let him have that gameboy?" or "did that Happy Meal give him cancer?" It led me to think of something my fellow cab mate from JFK to East Village said to me. Somehow we were discussing me, I think :) I was telling him about how I feel that I've completely grown more "mainstream" since I've come to yoga. How I was so black & white about everything... he responded "Yoga is about bringing balance to your life." I've been thinking about it ever since so it was interesting to go in that mind frame to pick up L today. I still have that but I also have this deeper sense of understanding about the meaning of that statement. It all is going to be okay... heck, maybe I should have a Happy Meal too, know what I mean.

I had coincidentally gotten an email from the old friend I had talked about last Wednesday when I picked up L at Waldorf where she told me that, at our meeting, she felt my energy was so wonderful right now. You know, for the first time in my life, I actually agree. I'm just so happy with my journey. I totally fuck up all the time, don't get me wrong, but that's all part of the path! She said "Tell me it's all yoga and I'm a convert for life." I responded that, you know what, I actually think it is. I know this sounds totally and completely cheesy, cultish whatever but, it is all yoga. It's not necessarily the physical practice of asana either... it's definitely much more about jnana and the internal balance, it's utthita hitta hasta padagustansana with all the crap in your mind.

Our 7 hour playdate was pretty fun. The girls went to PeeWee Sports together. It's was L's first time. It was hilarious. You just can't help but sit on the slightly damp grass at a public rec center watching two little 4 year olds trying to figure out how to coordinate holding a field hockey stick, a little ball and kicking it down the field without tripping over the stick, losing the ball or just plain not falling over the tops of your shoes and landing flat on your face. The latter happened quite a lot. I had to laugh when at various moments throughout the class I'd find L with your head atop the ball leaning over in what appeared to be Prasarita B. They had fun though and have taken to whispering secrets in the back of the car (they really think I can't hear them plotting to hide in the bushes from me and never get found). When we dropped L off at the house, she and The Daughter were a little angry with me. I wouldn't allow The Daughter to go in and "make a trade" because it was already 7pm and The Son still had homework and the whole nightly routine. As I was recounting the day I noticed L sitting on the floor effortlessly placing her arms under her shoulders in a somewhat kurmasana pose... going... going... then she lifts herself up in Titthibasana. I was watching her, she was really concentrating, but it was more in that fun 4 year old way... I think a lot of us Yogis have that... it's not a self-obsessive thing or self-gratification even... it's why a lot of us like to blog about our practice, or talk about it all the time like Kathy says she's just now like (where have you been woman? ;>) or whatever... it's different than what some naysayers about blogging thing it is... at least I think so... I asked L if her daddy taught her that... her response, "I saw someone do it one day in daddy's class so I thought I'd try it." No attachment there.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:16 PM | Comments (2)

Jet Lagged

I didn't get home from the airport and all my travels until this morning. It was a long ass day. On the flight from Atlanta I sat next to this wonderful mother, children grown and gone... She was on her way to babysit her first grandchild for a week. It is always fascinating to me to hear from moms who have been there and done that. Wisdom seeps from their energy but the one thing I have found in common from moms I talk to, those that have walked before, they all exclaim that the key to parenting is being upfront and holding those boundaries that we create wherever those are. Consistency is the key. For a long time I think I went too far on the "loosely defined boundaries" arena and am finding that when I'm more "strong" with my boundaries, my kids tend to acknowledge and work with me.

Anyway, I didn't practice this morning. Though I entertained the idea I couldn't get past the fact that I hadn't seen my kids since last Wednesday, a whole week almost, and that I couldn't possibly be gone when they woke up this morning. Instead, my practice will consist of parenting today. I'm picking up Tim's daughter for another long playdate... I have no idea what we are doing today, playing it by ear I suppose :)

Tomorrow, however, practice. I will be interested to see how my hamstrings react to the Santa Ana weather.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:36 AM

October 10, 2005

Can I Stay for the Weather?

Either I've had some amazing breakthrough with my body or the weather truly makes a huge difference to my practice. Since I've been on this coast my practices have been strong, fluid and very centered. Little monkey mind, little observation of others and a lot of internal peace not to mention what feels like the fluid grace of my asana practice. Work today was okay, just okay... but I made sure to leave in time to make the Mysore class at Atlanta Yoga again. The instructor was the same as last night, apparently the only instructor to do Mysore classes in this state.... he's an old student of Tim's and a traditionalist. The classes are new so many of the students are new to the style and there is a lot more instruction going on than we would find at home but I felt so much love and enthusiam (that might have helped my own practice I suppose). It's always a little bit wierd to practice somewhere else. As we all know, Tim isn't the Ashtanga Police and many of us do a few things just a tad bit different than the fundamentalists. The problem is that sometimes, when I'm having those beautifully clear practices, I often "forget" where I'm at and am just doing... This means, quite often in Prasarita Padottanasana D, I simply move into Samokonasana on auto-pilot. Fortunately, practicing with someone who still considers Tim his teacher means that the unorthodox is acceptable even if I'm the only person in the room doing it. Given the weather, or just the breakthrough, the sequence feels absolutely perfect. I was so close in side splits today, so close even I couldn't believe it. Everyone I've seen practicing Mysore at Atlanta Yoga seems dedicated to learning the traditional method even if it means they are doing Sun Salutations and finishing sequence only. The instructor, Todd, gives thorough and brilliant instruction. His adjustments feel wonderful, deep and full of breath. My practice tonight was just what I needed, beautiful inside and out. I wanted to note about his adjustments that Supta K adjustment I described last night. Again tonight I got that adjustment, it's beautiful. I love it. it feels simply sensational. After class he told me that that is an adjustment he learned from Tim... I will certainly be asking about it :) When we got to dropbacks he had me do a whole sequence... I told him how much I really liked it and told him I was going to tell Tim all about it, he laughed and told me that would be funny. I think I will ;) He also adjusted me in Pasasana, heels down, twisted what felt like the Amityville Horror but it felt like a shot of speed or something, simply fantastic.

After class I spoke to the instructor a bit, I thanked him and was specific with the adjustments that I very much liked. Given that he's teaching all new students I thought that feedback might be good but, moreover, I was truly grateful for his energy.. it was strong and soothing. I will definitely be back next time I'm in town. I also told him he should try to get Tim to do a workshop there. Tim told me he had attempted to do it once before but there wasn't enough turn out. The energy was truly wonderful so I hope they get to have the experience of Tim someday.

After I left I went in search of the health food store they had told me about... it was closed. I also needed to get something else "special" for The Daughter. I got so much for The Son at the Nintendo World store so I went to Target and got Spongebob Squarepants PJs --- that outta do it! On the way there, I was searching for what I was going to eat... hotel food sucks, as I'm sure you well know. The Intercontinental is a rockin' hotel (brand new) but, still, I didn't feel like paying $50 for a salad even if it isn't my $50. I was also all sweaty so a restaurant was out of the question and I was seriously craving something organic and healthy and then I saw it... the Golden Green sign... the Whole Foods!!!! I couldn't figure out why I'd never seen it before... I've stayed here a bunch of times in this same area. Turns out, it is two weeks old and man is it beautiful inside. The best "hot food" section I've ever seen not to mention an entire TRUFFLE BAR (for you non-chocolate whores, I know there are few of you, truffles are the cream of the crop). It was simply the perfect way to end my evening. I'm high off my practice, fused with great food and ready to go home tomorrow (okay, I do have a long ass shitty flight to get through but, eh, I can handle it, I think).

I wonder if it really is the humidity... or if the openness I'm feeling is an emotional release. A true "I'm through with this cancer shit" thing... I have the all clear that my stitches aren't dissolved but "okay" enough to do what I want to do... that even though I have the minor little "issue" I'm looking absolutely amazing cosmetically... and, you know, I had this huge emotional release over expectations on this trip.... I can't wait to go home and hug my kids and see my husband.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:54 PM | Comments (4)

Humidity Revisited

I left the Big Apple yesterday... soon enough for me. The trip was really pleasant all in all but a bit different than what I anticipated. I had such a wonderful time with Kathy and Laura in the evenings that the little bit of wierdness was offset to pleasurable. I flew to Atlanta for business... without much anticipation as I have been having a difficult time at work and wasn't really looking forward to the issues that were waiting for me in the South. As with New York, my friend in Atlanta was too busy to meet up.... actually this worked out well as I was planning on yoga while here. The flight went smoothly until I got to Atlanta's baggage claim where I waited... and waited... and waited. Asking periodically about the bags from our flight along with some other people from the plane... finally, an hour and a half later, we were told that our bags didn't make it. THE ENTIRE PLANE! We were told that they couldn't tell us where the bags were but likely would arrive on the next flight from JFK. I had an hour before yoga... I hadn't eaten all day... I was wearing my Juicy velour sweats and a tank top and decided, what the hell, I was going to practice anyway. I had a wonderful, wonderful practice. The humidity is such a great tool for ashtanga ;) I forgot to mention that in Saturday's Mysore class I bound in Pasasana on my own, heels about 3 inches off the ground... that was the first time since surgery. In last night's Atlanta practice I managed to bind on my own in Supta Kurmasana for the first time since surgery... not only that but the instructor got my feet bound BOTH behind my head and then did this cool adjustment were he had my squeeze his, what I think was shin, between my feet... it rocked. He gave me an assist in Pasasana so my heels were down... he also offered to help me with the sequence Ustrasana to Kapotanasana but, being the good yogini, I told him I'm only advanced to Ustrasana. What was probably the nicest experience was drop backs. He does them different than Tim... first drop back to the head for 5 breaths, up then 5 half drop backs arms crossed then up and then an assisted drop back, hold and up. He also held my back without any assist until I was about half way down I think, barely any pressure either down or up. It was such a different experience and I definitely, definitely felt more in control of the situation and of my body. He said Tim used to do it this way so I'll ask Tim after it when next we meet (Kiran or John probably knows?).

Without my luggage, I had only the clothes on my back... Atlanta basically rolls up the sidewalks on Sunday afternoons so I had nowhere I could go for clothes... As much as I love India, Delta's ENTIRE customer service and baggage claim call center is there which means that everytime I would call, I would get someone in India which means that all they could do was look at the computer and see the same information I could see via the Internet... which information told me nothing. By 9pm I had given up being able to brush my teeth or hair so I went to the gift shop at the hotel and paid a fortune for basic necessities. I wondered what I would do for work in the morning....

Fortunately, my luggage showed up around 8am... banged up but there nonetheless. Work is lameo. I have no idea why I have come here. Not only am I doing nothing but I can't get uploaded to my VPN site so I can barely do any real work. The ickies that happened a couple weeks ago still exist and I get the distinct feeling I should probably start looking for another job. Truth be told, that doesn't sound all that bad but, the big but, is yoga. Right now I have the luxury of doing yoga when I want... with a "real" job will I have that luxury? *sigh*

I'm going to make the Mysore class at Atlanta Yoga tonight as well... hopefully I'll have a wonderfully cleansing practice (in real yoga clothes)... one last frustrating trip to the office and then, finally, home for awhile. I can't wait to be home right now...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:32 AM

October 8, 2005

Serendipity

Last night I set my Treo alarm for 6am. I figured I had to leave around 8:45 to make it to Mysore with Tim on time and ordering room service, a smoothie and some granola, around 6 would leave me enough digestion time. I can't do those late classes without eating something. I, apparently, didn't realize that when you turn off the sound on the Treo, that includes the alarm so I woke up at 7:08am sorta bummed. I ordered room service but only ate a few bites (expensive few bites at that), grabbed a cab and hit Mysore practice. Oh so lovely was the humidity. I forgot just how much external humidity/heat helps the body to stretch and soar. Tim told us before we started to treat this practice as our regular practice so I did. I did my practice including Hanumanasana and Supta Vajarasana just as I always would. I had a nice open practice, didn't expect much help given my regular practice with Tim and the fact that everyone else in the room was there just for him. I just really really loved my practice today... nice and centered and warm and fluid. After practice I grabbed a cab back to the hotel, showered quickly then placed myself front and square in Greenwich Village looking for said "clothing manufacturer" from my previous post. I found a Starbucks, caffeinated myself and then got lost. I had to call Kathy to get me out of it. She got me to the store where I was appalled... while the shirts were very cool... they wanted, can you believe this, $475 for a COTTON TSHIRT!!!!! I was stunned. It was raining outside but I didn't have an umbrella. I was getting a bit wet but kept on walking. I found myself at an Indian restaurant for lunch. My tattoo caused a stir with the kitchen help... they all hung over the counter to stare. The waiter finally reported back that it was Sanskrit and they went back to business. I had a lovely Dahl then discovered myself with 45 minutes to kill so I walked around... and it started raining more and more until it got to the point that I was literally DRENCHED and on some residential streets where no cabs were. I walked a few more blocks, found a good big street, a cab and went to the asana workshop.

I walked in and saw Laura from Maya Tulum. I had expected to see her while I was here so I wasn't surprised. We hugged and went to our respective mats. The workshop was interesting. Tim basically opened it up, let people ask questions and we went from there. I didn't say much. Like Tulum, I didn't feel right taking any of his attention since I'm blessed to practice with him daily. At one point a lady asked about chatarungas and arm weakness so I piped up and explained that before my surgery I'd have agreed that it was arm strength, shoulders but now that I can't use my pecs I'm fully opinionated that, in fact, chatarungas are all about pec muscles. We talked a lot about it and I found it fascinating. I do have to say I was surprised that there weren't more people there. The shala was fairly full but not exploding. New York is such a big area so I was surprised there weren't more people.

The wierd thing about this trip is that the people I was supposed to meet up with, I didn't. I was supposed to meet up with a friend, my ex-boyfriend and someone I was considering hiring as a contractor. The reasons are varied but essentially it just didn't work out but, in so happening, I've had a wonderful trip. Last night I hung out with Kathy which was wonderful... and tonight after class I noticed that the ex-boyfriend had called as we agreed. I had had really bad vibe from him earlier and was wishy-washy about wanting to go out with him. Laura asked me if I wanted to have dinner with she and her husband... so I called the ex back and he was an asshole...and I was so over it. So over trying to be his friend after all these years. I basically said "You know what, no thanks." He was a bit shocked I think. He asked me if I was okay, I said I was absolutely okay and that, no, I didn't want to meet him for even a drink. The person I was going to hire, lameo, won't be hiring. In the end, Laura's husband had to work so she and I went to this little vegetarian restaurant and wine bar, shared a bottle of Le Cigar Volant and had a wonderful meal full of conversation... one of those meals where not one minute is without words. I had such a nice time and it was the perfect end to my time in New York.

My arrangements with friends in Atlanta have already been canceled...the theme of my week...I wonder what the next segment of my journey holds!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:53 PM | Comments (2)

October 7, 2005

10 Bucks at CBGB

I didn't sleep at all last night... as quiet as this hotel is, I was simply totally jet lagged... I saw midnight come and go... I took Melatonin.. I finally stirred myself from my in and out of sleep at about 10am. I showered, grabbed a cab and went to Dean & Deluca followed by Nintendo World (the only Nintendo store in the world) then I walked down to FAO Schwartz and, finally, met up with a woman who also just had the same breast surgery 4 weeks ago for lunch (at a wonderful Indian restaurant). I had left a message for my plastic surgeon who was going to meet me in the city so I didn't have to go all the way to him... but never heard from him. After lunch I went back to the hotel and took a short nap... when I still hadn't heard from him I finally called. It was 5pm and yoga started at 7:30. He, apparently, didn't get my calls (!) so was going to come and meet me tomorrow at 1pm. The more I thought about it, the harder that would be... Mysore is from 9:30 to 11:30 and the workshop is from 2-5 so getting back here from Soho and showering and back would just be too hard. I opted, instead, to skip led primary tonight and went to my doctor's house for my appointment.

The news is good and bad. The good news is the internal stuff is "cleared" enough that I can try anything. The bad news is that the one spot I was worried about he, too, feels is a problem. It's this spot that, like, well, it looks like the implant isn't far enough to the center. He told me if I lived here he would have me come in and he would open the incision and move it but since I don't, we're going to try a constriction "bandage" that will hopefully force the implant over a bit. It also wouldn't be wise to do anything that migrates it more to the outside (i.e, chatarungas). If that doesn't work then I need to decide if I want to have the revision done or live with it. Honestly, it's only visible to The Husband and myself, no one else notices it. I don't know.... a decision I'll make when I get there.

Since I skipped yoga, I called up Kathy and met her at her home for dinner. Nice Cuban food... nice conversation... I just love Kathy, she's an awesome girl. After, for pure tourist reasons, we paid $10 to get into CBGB where we stayed for about the length of one song by whatever opening garage band was playing and then we left...afterall, it is now 11pm, I've had two glasses of wine and I have practice in the morning.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:52 PM | Comments (2)

October 6, 2005

Early To Bed...

early to rise, so they say.... that means I'll be rising quite late tomorrow but, what bliss it might be. I have nothing to do! Here I sit in New York. My room has an outstanding view of the Statue of Liberty. It's the closest I've ever been to it. My room also hosts a telescope but I have no idea how to make it work.... I've tried. The flight here sucked. I love JetBlue and Tim is uber-lucky that he was all the way in the front of the plane while I squirmed all the way in the back of the plane. Actually things were going pretty cool, I was getting a ton of work done and then the plane started bouncing and bouncing... Most people who know me know I don't fly well so bumps of any magnitude suck but these were actually fairly large bumps and bounces... When I exited the plane, Tim was waiting for me, he first said "So, how'd you like that flight?" He's well aware after being coincidentally seated next to me on the flight home from Maya Tulum just how much I hate to fly.

Once here, the limo (actually it was a nice black Mercedes) dropped Tim off at Guy's and then me at my hotel which is SIGNIFICANTLY far away from the shala... on the map it looks quite close, by MapQuest it says 3 miles... nope... it's a drive. On the other hand, it's a Ritz Carlton and by Goddess I'm at a Ritz. The bed is spectacular, the bathtub, oh.. and they even have a BATH SPA MENU where you can call their "Bath Valet" who will come and draw you some special bath including champagne and Belgian Chocolate (drool).

It's only 8pm my time, 11 here by Big Apple standards. I'm sure I won't be in bed for awhile... not tired yet but damned hungry after spending all day on a plane. Room service was mediocre... must figure out what to do tomorrow :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:58 PM | Comments (1)

October 5, 2005

Programmer Hell

Man, screw today. Today sucked. Today was just an all around, can't think of a damn thing to say at Family Meeting Night for my "favorite part of the day." I definitely got a lot of "least favorite part of the days." It started out actually last night. I totally blame jenna actually, yea, it's all her. She emailed me regarding her new three column layout. I thought, ah, it must be something obvious so I sat down to look at it... that's when it happened... that's when I entered Programmer Hell. There isn't so much fire and brimstone, bats or goblins but it's hell nonetheless. It's mental hell. It's when you endeavor some task, you know it's really all 1s and 0s, quite logical, until you layer it with a bazillion objects and a gazillion "base classes"... and then each if then statement could become a bat, the endless loop of how the hell do I do this, I know I know how, I've done this BEFORE... go open said project... SEE I've DONE it before, it WORKS cycle starts in the brain.

I woke up this morning still obsessed. Not necessarily with Jenna's dear problem but I took on this extra project and so I'm double timing it right now. I'm working my ass off and to prepare for this encapsulation within the mental space it takes to be a programmer and not get up for breath.... it's sorta like the mental preparation one takes to race a big race... or, just show up for practice everyday. So when I woke up, I figured I'd spend the first few minutes on Jenna's problem again.

(as a side note, I'm watching this dance thing and there's some cool ass shit they can do with their bodies)

I did spend the first few minutes on Jenna's problem, then like another hour... I switched to my real work, got caught up in this huge problem at work, couldn't figure out something, and then I started double-time programming. That's when I work on multiple projects at one time... sometimes in different languages (C# vs VB.NET, XSLT and XML) all at the same time. I juggle them mentally... in so doing, I wound up sitting here for 8 hours... I couldn't find my way out of hole I'd gotten myself in on this module. I knew I had done it a bazillion times before, but everytime I'd written it, I used C# and this time I was required to use VB.NET and I just flat out couldn't get it to work. I kept getting these obscure Security Exceptions even though I know I've done this same thing a hundred times. I finally, 6 hours in, figured out the one simple problem that ended up being like, with shame, 7 lines long. Then I entered the next hole, which sounds so easy and is winding me up like a yo-yo. I finally gave up in lieu of packing for my trip tomorrow, setting up my laptop and finally eating (I forgot that too, I was even feeling dizzy but that's how far gone I was).

I yelled at my kids, my husband. I missed yoga. Sheer hell... I'dl ike to think if I had made it to yoga things would have been better, I'd have had a clearly mind and wouldn't have had to sludge through the mud. Maybe. I considered getting up in the morning and going to the other studio here in town... I could be home by 8. My ride is picking me up at 10:30. Then the moment of clarity sparked and I realized that, after my atrociously non-mindful, unreasonable and downright horrid behaviour today, I had to be here in the morning so that my kids go off with an image of a loving, happy, happy-to-see-them mommy. I mean, sure, I talked to them both before bed and all but actions speak as loud as words. Besides, I still haven't gotten the laptop ready, packed or found a book to read. I did, however, manage to eat some chocolate covered raisins.

....
and I realized today that I hate this blog layout which means I'll have to find a way to redo it and spend more time with MOveableType templates.... oh I see the flames already.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:36 PM | Comments (4)

October 4, 2005

Breast Implants & Yoga

My blog is getting lots of hits now on a query of breast implants and yoga. One was "can deep yoga stretching rupture implant" (Goddess, I hope no one's implant ruptured from yoga!). First and foremost, I imagine many of those searching are breast cancer survivors and I want to say MORE POWER TO YOU! Second, I can totally see and feel the fear of rupturing an implant... they just, well, they just don't have the give natural breasts do (imagine the hits I'll get with the word breast appearing so many times). I find myself, quite often now, figuring out where to put the "bubble" that has become my chest. I used to figure out how to manipulate my natural tissue to get it out of the way, in many ways this was easier but I can't dwell there.

I can't wait for my appointment with the plastic surgeon on Friday... he's even making a house call to my hotel... he's an amazing man. I can't wait for him to tell me everything is perfect and give me the green light of "go" for the rest of my life. I can't think right now about the possibility of needing a revision or correction as some women do. If that happens, I'll deal with it but right now I just know that everything is as it should be.

So... I have all morning to myself on Friday in the city. What should I do? I could make an appointment to meet up with a contractor in the professional networking vein...but that sounds really boring. I think I will make it a point to visit Lucien Pellat in SOHO since I'm staying in the area and I really want to find the guts to wear one of their leaf shirts :) Plus I know a few people who would dig some of their garb. What I will not be doing is going anywhere near Me & Ro... for those of you who weren't readers then,