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September 29, 2005
Fussy
I haven't found a blog just by random clicking that I really liked in a long time... I really liked Fussy... not only does she apparently practice ashtanga yoga (or, perhaps she just has links to AYRI for the heck of it) but she has a great blog. I used to have a blogroll maybe I'll have to get another one. The TShirt idea is a classic!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:34 PM | Comments (2)
Oh My Hip
Do you ever have one of those days where you find yourself, everytime you stand or move or walk where you say "OH my ____." Today that was what I said at every turn of my day, "OH My Hip!" I didn't really connect the two but by tonight I had a vague remembrance of Bhadda K today. About a year or so ago, this pose was a piece of cake for me, chin to ground, no problem. Around January it suddenly became very difficult, seemingly overnight. It's been getting more excruciating ever since. I've always chalked it up to something I have to work through but I've never really felt emotionally in touch with it before. I'm not sure that I do now but I feel some sort of understanding in the shadows on the walls. Rich gave me a nice adjustment in it today. I can get my head to the ground with help but its like the most intense feeling to get there. Perhaps I just never appreciated this pose before when that was so comfortable to my body. Anyway, it'll be interesting to see where it goes.
Practice today was nice, Kiran back in the room and plenty of usual faces. For awhile it seemed like there was some massive turnaround in the faces showing up. I was a bit tired today... so many days in a row of regular practices (haha, just 3) has me a bit worn out. In fact, I'm feeling it a bit too much on the "maybe that isn't so great" side of awareness right now so I'm thinking I probably will not practice tomorrow. To some degree I'm a big believer in the, well, hell, you took some time off but now that you are back you go everyday because that's what you do even if you limp in pain for a few days. Right now, however, I'm thinking I should probably hold something back because, well, supposedly I still have ten tons of internal stitches and that can't be good. It will be good to go for a follow-up and have the professional look at them. I mean, it's sorta wierd, I feel very dependent on my doctor to tell me everything is okay and I don't think I've ever been in that position in a long time. I'm doing remarkably well. I actually feel completely wonderful and content with my decision now... I'm still adjusting and processing and aware but I can also feel the slide back into normalcy.
I really can't afford to practice tomorrow anyway. I have so much work that I'm so far behind on... I hate programming tasks that I just get lost in and work my out of with something less than grace or sense. I also picked up a contract which will be great and really help pay off some of the medical expenses but it takes time that I'm already low on. I'm also large enough a guilted-mommy that I agreed to take The Daughter and a friend to Build A Bear and other exciting fun all afternoon tomorrow. It'll be great fun and I'm looking forward to it but everything just hit all at once. It's 9pm and I haven't even taken a shower today... I'm still in my yoga clothes and quite smelly. So, there, I've rationalized not practicing tomorrow.
The Daughter's gymnastics coach called today and said they need to move her up to the KinderGymnastics instead of the PreKGymnastics. Wild! So she comes home and says "Mom, wanna see my sidesplits?" I'm like go for it. I had been pretty shocked a few weeks ago when she came home and asked me that and went down about as far as I can go down... today she went pretty much all the way. I was one jealous mommy... When she was done she said "Mom, wanna see how I can do a jump over?" Lays down, does a perfect backbend and kicks her feet over. She's FOUR how cool is that! I just found out that they are doing yoga classes at the son's public school at lunch time. It's free and the kids can go if they want. My neighbor's little girl is going. The teacher is an ashtangi that I met at Guruji's tour this past year. I love this! The Son says he's not interested but I know the Daughter will be.
God I need a bath!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:08 PM | Comments (1)
September 28, 2005
Lance Is Hot
So Dead Can Dance last night... first time they've toured in 9 years and boy are they worth it. We got there right when the show started (D and crew were late ;>)... they are simply amazing live and their voices, wow, they just never end. Our seats were 14th row, center stage... it was perfect. The crowd was totally different than 9 years ago at Spreckles. 9 years ago it was complete velvet and black cape crowd, goth scene all the way. This time it was way more older folk, a few goth heads, but, in general, regular aged likely post-goth-grown-ups... although I thought it appeared there was a lot of aging New Agers on scene as well. If you don't know who Dead Can Dance is, I urge you to check them out, they have a website. No downloads are on there but you can search and find some. They are truly a magical band.
A late night meant for a hard time getting out of bed when the alarm sounded this morning... in fact, I considered just bailing on practice but guilted myself into it by falling back asleep then waking with a jolt 5 minutes before I needed to leave... it worked... I went. My limbs were much heavier today (likely due to little sleep) but practice was good nonetheless. Tim has taken to adjusting me in my morning pose again, Parivritta Trikonasana. Unfortunately, the experience isn't quite with the expectation of enjoyment it used to be. That twist, when given to me deeply, really really pulls on the breast and incision. Even Tim has backed off a bit on the adjustment due to my wincing :) I was thinking today as I struggled with Supta Kurmasana that, if I look back in my archives, it was probably a year ago that binding wasn't possible for me. It's not possible for me now either. I had to laugh though because Tim did something I find so funny. Awhile ago, and I'm talking pre-surgery here, I have no idea when or where this happened... but, at some point, I was talking with Tim (and maybe Kiran?) outside of practice and we were talking about adjustments. I was telling him that one of his assistants while he was out of town did the sweetest adjustment for me one day in Supta Kurmasana, before she crossed my ankles, she moved my anklets out of the way so that they wouldn't be jammed into my skin (which hurts like you wouldn't believe!). Tim has never had to adjust me in Supta Kurmasana before since I could bind when I started Mysore and usually Rich would help me get into it from Dwi Pada if I had help at all... but since he's had to help me, he's taken to moving my anklets out of the way. I find this endearing on many levels... notably that he must have been paying attention to what I said, that he retained that information and that he was kind enough to actually do it himself. Yesterday when he did it I chuckled and he chuckled back, today we chuckled again :) I attempted Pasasana today without the mat rolled under my heels, I never needed it before but what I discovered with Rich's assistance is that the little forward lean the mat under my heels gives me takes the pressure off the incisions when I'm bound. I could get bound with help without but the pull on the incisions was too great for me to maintain the pose. I suppose I should feel good that I can even do Pasasana right now instead of dwelling on the fact that I'm using the mat but somehow I haven't gotten that into my thick head yet. The other pose that is causing me grave insights into my earlier yoga days is headstand. It's amaizng the degree of leverage this takes from the front of your body and it is very, very difficult for me to do now. I wasn't a stud headstander before and now I'm finding it hard to have any balance. It's a sorta of balancing act to get the pec muscle working in the right place so that the implants aren't being pulled too hard... a tough balance.
Today my office changed my entire travel itinerary for New York. Since I already have an appointment with my plastic surgery and paid for the workshop with Tim, I told them I couldn't change that Friday/Saturday so now I'm flying directly into JFK on Thursday, doing my follow-up, doing the workshop and then flying to Atlanta on Sunday...going to do the afternoon Mysore class at Atlanta Yoga then working Monday and Tuesday in Atlanta. It's taken me all afternoon to redo the schedule and I still have to find a place to stay in New York that isn't going to break my piggy bank (a couple of its legs are already missing).
I also upgraded Ashtangi.NET to MoveableType 3.2 but it wasn't until AFTER I ran the upgrade that I discovered there is a bug running it under Windows 2003 Server, which, being a Microsoft groupie, of course I do. I then spent hours fixing it. I hope it is all working now (please let me know if you are having problems!).
Tentatively hitting post and hoping this actually works.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:33 PM | Comments (2)
Overeaters Anonymous
Today I've ingested:
- a 16oz cup of Yerba Matte latte (i.e, half milk)
- a few oz of chicken breast
- romain lettuce heart
- 5 (okay 10) chocolate covered raisins
- two eggs with a bit of onion and yellow squash
- an apple
then I felt horribly guilty when I ate a bowl of banana, strawberry and kiwi salad. I wonder why I feel that guilt? It's a total mental play. While we were gone, well, first let me say that one of the things I love most about our annual Mexican vacation is that we actually get to speak to one another. In the normal course of life with two adults who each want to do a couple hours of physical activity 6 days a week (okay, I, The Husband does 4 days a week), has two kids with various activities (soccer, PeeWee Sports, gymnastics, playdates and whatnot), plus two full-time jobs amongst all the other little requirements that go along with a day, family, parental responsibilities outside that time you are actually with the kids, friends.. we rarely get to finish a sentence that doesn't involve the words "Okay, at ____ you are going to _____ and you'll be picking up Child_..." In the course of actually discussing something else for a change we talked about our current eating habits. We are both unhappy but ours are very different.
The Husband is super sensitive to having anything unhealthy in his diet even though he could eat Smarties everynight and never have a milimeter of body fat on him. I'm super sensitive to the idea of eating meat. I actually like it physically but feel horrible for eating it. Anyway, he told me that he feels I am mentally and physically the healthiest when I eat meat. That he's seen me raw and veggie and vegan and he thinks I'm that much better eating meat. I really value his opinion immensly and it made me think that I should just accept that I'm not sensitive, evolved, enlightened, whatever you aspire to to allow my body and my mind to not need animal meats. Maybe I used to be there, maybe I will be again, maybe I never will but right here today, I absolutely feel more able to handle my life, the everyday grunge of my life, when I'm better in my physical body.
Maybe I should go eat some more chocolate covered raisins.....
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:10 PM
September 27, 2005
$200 Dinners
We left San Diego at 9:05am... we were sitting by the pool in our swimwear by 1:00pm, ordering shrimp fajitas and cold, cold water. The last 5 days have basically been exactly the same, we woke around 8:30 (7:30 California time), lounged in bed, yawning and fawning, padded to the "alcove" where, magically in the wee dawn hours, a "continental Mexican breakfast" was placed (the alcove is basically a small pantry with a door both on the inside of the room and one on the outside, in the dawn hours, the hotel staff places a small platter in the alcove)... We drank the coffee, okay, well, I did, ate the fruit, indulged on Mexican morning pastries, read the small fax paper they deliver... eventually rolling out of bed to find a bathing suit, some sunblock and pack a backpack. Then we'd find our way to one of the pools, find some chairs, umbrellas, drop our stuff and hike a couple miles down to the lagoon which has acceptable swimming conditions (directly in front of the hotel was a bit too unsafe this year, a lot unsafe actually). We'd hang in the saltwater for awhile then hike back, plop ourselves down, order water and lunch then spend the next hours vascillating between sleeping, reading and swimming. Around 4:30 everyday we went back to the room, found workout clothes and proceeded to the gym. This year they opened up the patio/balcony that is attached to the gym and overlooks the pool area so I placed my mat out there and practiced while Kevin worked out in the gym area. Everyday for the past 5 days my practice went like this: 3As, 3Bs, all of standing, Paschimottanasana, Ardha Badha, Janu A, Mari B, Mari D, Navasana, Konasana (and variations) then all of my second series poses (to Ustrasana), some form of backbending (usually over a ball that the gym had), closing. This all took about an hour and was perfectly timed. After practice we'd shower, put on real clothes and find our way into San Jose Del Cabo where, each night we did two things: We splurged on a bottle of wine and an expensive dinner. We usually pay for a beautiful hotel but scrimp through food, etc. but this year, with the year we've had, we decided to live it up... Our last night there I had this amazing lobster tail that was oh so worth the $40 we paid for it. After dinner we'd head back to the room, enjoy each other, the view, the warm air and finally head to sleep. It was luxurious, it was heavenly, it was a much needed break from reality.
I do have to own up, however, to creeps of reality finding their way through my psyche.... it was the first time I had been in swimwear all day since my surgery and, on the one hand, my breasts are super nice and perky... on the other, they aren't real and I don't think they look real either. It was, in some ways, hard to see all these beautiful people with bikinis and real breasts... and harder when a woman with clearly augmented breasts plopped down and you saw all the couples whisper to each other, including my own husband who said "Now THOSE are some fake ones!" Does everyone say that about me? Judge me that way? I was so tempted to ask someone I would never see again "Do they look really fake?" but I decided that was a bit too vain. I shouldn't be worried or care what people think, I realize that... but it's a psychological speed bump I have to cross.
The kids did fantastic, as usual... I'm sure my mom is a bit worn out. Work was waiting for me when I returned but first I went back to the shala. I had a wonderful practice this morning... just what I needed. No chats still but I was able to bind in Pasasana on both sides by myself and Tim got me very twisted after the bind. I couldn't do Supta K by myself though... I'm not sure why but I think it is the pull through the center of my chest... after that pose I'm really sorta taken aback. I was also able to do Titibhasana today...not fully legs over shoulders but a good balance nonetheless. I did 6 backbends today... I think my arms were straighter but I couldn't really tell... I also attempted and succeeded at doing dropbacks though I think Rich helped me quite a bit. Everyday I'm getting stronger and back to my normal self... I'll always be a bit different and some things seem a distant future.
Tonight is the Dead Can Dance show... I really don't have time for it but am going to go anyway. It's good to be home!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:31 PM | Comments (1)
September 21, 2005
Moon Day
So this morning I woke up to a phone ringing... early... work... I completely screwed up a deployment last night, feeling smarter than my code, I neglected to actually test it in a versatile production environment... such is life... I had to fix it ASAP since 5am is already 8am in Atlanta-ville. And, not to be graphic or anything, but when I was done, boom, along came my moon... days early. Clearly my hormones are all whacked out or something but talk about LOUSY freakin timing!!!! Not only did that mean no practice today but, man, I leave in the morning for MEXICO.
In a personally rewarding but horribly sad moment today a neighbor "introduced" me to a friend who is gene positive. It's hard to know what to say so the first thing I said was I'm sorry and then I launched into a fairly blathering, non linear (and probably non-sensical) brain dump of everything I've done over the past year with regard to my surgery. I'm happy that I feel secure and comfortable enough to share but so bummed that anyone else has to go through this....
It's 9pm and I haven't packed a SINGLE thing... in fact, I haven't even finished working yet today... but, no matter what, moon and all, there's an Aeromexico plane waiting for me at 9am tomorrow and by 1pm, I'll be sitting on a beach with white sands, warm water and a waiter who will bring me anything I want.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:46 PM | Comments (1)
September 20, 2005
Pink Cowboy Boots
The Daughter has been asking for cowboy boots for awhile. It wasn't something I really took note of until maybe the 5th or 6th time she mentioned it. I couldn't get past my own judgment of how pointless they were -- I mean, it's not like you can go play soccer in them, wear them to school or what not so why pay 30 to 50 bucks for them. On Sunday we had a girl's day out and, in so doing, came across real live cotton candy pink cowboy boots. They were so flipping cute and I realized that it just didn't matter how impractical they were or that they'd be the most expensive pair of shoes she's ever owned, I own up to spending 50 bucks on a pair of flip flops (but, oh, they are so nice, I heart my chacos)....At that moment in the store I realized I don't know that sense of freedom, that sorta, who cares about this presentation layer I've put here for myself and everyone else, these pink cowboy boots just rock and I want to stomp around in them! Actually, it took us about 20 minutes to settle on the pink ones... we first had to go through trying on the brown ones, the white and pink ones (we were stuck HERE for QUITE a long time and I'm happy to say that while I may have just come up with a great insight into why I caved on the boots themselves, I did in fact, stop at WHITE cowboy boots, can you imagine how filthy they'd be in 3 weeks?), the red ones... I convinced her not to even try the white and black snakeskin like ones before we finally arrived at the pink ones. I realized in the middle of it just how stressed out I was and thinking like an adult and how I never wanted to parent that way... just mindly doing because I said I would never do x y or z (and believe me, when I was a homebirthing, vegan eating, laundry list of natural parenting ideals I definitely walked that narrow line) I think yoga has allowed me this in my parenting now... the ability to find equal balance when I'm mindful. Samastithi!!!
The Daughter has, just to prove I actually keep a tangent of that mindfulness past the moment.. worn those boots to school everyday so far... she's found a litany of really funny outfits to pair them with which I find simply fascinating... she went from wild girl with pink cowboy boots, pink little skort and frilly top to pink cowboy boots with long prarie hippy paneled skirt, pink Dumbo purse, and neon purple sunglasses. I'm lucky if I can find one thing to go with black pants.
The interesting thing about all this, however, maybe that it was on a trip to the Neroli link below where we went to purchase my annual, surprise The Husband new lingerie (which I NEVER wear, I'm usually in shorts and a tshirt for bed..how HORRIBLY suburban momish) and I really had fun picking something out. Where I normally only purchase black, I picked this beautiful colorful thingy (don't even ask how much it cost because like the pink cowboy boots, it just didn't matter!)... isn't it amazing how a little thing like pink cowboy boots can get me to recognize that tangent of femininity that I think skipped me by somewhere.
Samastithi!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:55 PM | Comments (3)
No Yoga
No yoga for me today though I had planned on it... I was up all night... what was that storm... I've never heard anything like it. Then I got up to an emergency with work, not to mention I've taken far too much time off this week and have a vacation coming up in two days... so that equated to no yoga... oh well, my whole body was vascillating between pain and that border of "oh that feels good pain" anyway. I'm debating whether I can practice tomorrow... if I can start at 5:45, I could probably get done by 7 if I go fast... which means I could be home by 7:20 which means I could get a 10 minute shower, throw on clothes and be in the classroom by 8 I think... I also think Kiran is teaching Wed night so I could do that *GASP* A NIGHT CLASSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just don't know... Kiran are you teaching Wed night?
Yesterday I heard my neighbor having a hard day with her two year old... two year old days can be hard... I vividly remember and still sometimes live them. My heart just went out to her when I heard her losing patience, the confusion over the temper tantrum... I eventually went over there and asked her if I could stay with the little one while she went to pick up the older one (the little one was screaming that she didn't want to get in the car)... I think the mom was surprised and I hope I didn't offend her... my heart just held so much compassion and I thought it might help her... I always wish I had that security net with my parenting but I don't. The older one apparently had horseback riding right after so the offer went nowhere and I've been hoping ever since that she didn't think I was being nosey or that I overstepped my boundaries by asking.
Mothering -- 7th Series.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:57 AM | Comments (6)
September 19, 2005
Idle Chatter
Since Don beat me to the punch (by emailing me before I was even done uploading), it's about time to actually make a post instead of just messing with the HTML on my homepage.... as you can tell, I've been experimenting more with FLASH -- it's still not quite right but I can't figure out that background thing but I did have some fun with graphics... we'll see how long I leave this one up :)
Now on to the real nitty gritty of facing inward... it's been a fun few days but the honeymoon is over, my friends.
Sunday I debating going to led first. I wasn't sure if Tim was in town but I also was terrified of doing led... I just didn't feel like I could make it through the vinyasas at a regular rate or get into some of the poses as fast as necessary to keep the pace. In the end, The Husband had to do some things and I couldn't make led at the shala so I decided to do led at the club... I know the teacher and I knew she would be cool to me but, as it turns out, luck was on my side and the lovely, wonderful, Goddess-sent Kiran was teaching. As soon as I saw her, I was blissful. First, her hair has grown out into the cutest little do and has me seriously thinking of cutting all my hair off. Second, I knew she'd let me do my thing and so I told her that not only was I going to do first series but that I was going to do my second series poses while the rest of the class went off to backbends... I can't backbend very well so I'm really liking the back work in my second series poses. I was surprised that keeping up in the led class was relatively okay. I should mention that I turned the heater up in my office for a half hour before class and baked in here to get my muscles warmed up.... At Supta K, Kiran tried to sit on my back and cross my legs... Damn, Supta K hurts... there is this spot, on the right side of my center, at the pec muscle, towards the top of the breast that just HURTS like you wouldn't believe in that pose... yes, I realize I need time, but we all know I'm not skilled with patience. What I realized most was that part of my problem is getting used to having like 4 inches of "stuff" between me and my target... my leg, the ground, the twist... the implant, well, it's pretty much stagnant and ain't goin nowhere... makes it hard to feel one's way back to normal in places where the breast is fully squashed such as Mari B or Mari D or Pasasana.....
This morning I got up for practice... Tim is gone, where I don't know, but I was happy to practice regardless. When I got there only non-blogging OKRGR and another fella were there... already started (J -- will you be doing that Wed morning too, I need to be outta wherever I'm going by 7:15ish, was planning on Dennis' -- MH, how early can one be at Dennis'?). The hamstrings started out horribly tight... I felt some embarrassment at my thuds today... my practice started out okay but I felt some deep sense of loss all of a sudden. I'm not 100% sure what that was about but something to probe a bit deeper into. I could NOT balance today at all... wierd... normally balance is no issue for me but I was dancing up a storm... in fact, even when Rich came to help me in Utthita Hasta Padagustasana, I was dancing... maybe I was off center emotionally or something. When I got to Trianga mukha, the assistant came to help me. I don't know her at all so I figured she didn't know I had had surgery and when she did her adjustment she laid her body over mine. It felt good but it got to a point where the implant was firmly pressing against my leg and there was no further for it to go. She's adjusted me before so I think she wondered what was going on but I was too deep to talk. Later she came over in Mari D and watched... again, a pose that I "whipped" into easily before, she noted I was going to struggle. When she came to help I explained the situation and she looked at me with a lightbulb... she went slowly with me after which was great... Bhujapindasana I actually got into, balanced and put my head down without touching my feet myself... SOME semblance of a bandha rearing it's unseen of late head. Supta K was as horrible as the day before, this gut wrenching "HOLY COW" feeling... Rich told me to skip it but, the truth is, I have to start somewhere, right? Yes, I realize 10 weeks isn't too far but, I have to start SOMEWHERE and 10 weeks seems alright for me. The rest of first series was good... Pasasana... this was the pose that I knew going into surgery would never be the same and it simply won't. I can't bind on my own anymore in it and the breast is so firmly planted against the leg that I have a hard time getting around... it's literally adding 4 inches between my hands. Natural breasts are movable... my breasts are much more wide-set now and completely immovable... now the other day for the photo op I was able to hold it on my own for quite awhile so I'm not sure if today I was just really off or not emotionally but it was super hard. The rest of second is pretty good but Bhekasana is another pose that, as much I struggled with pre-surgery, is going to be a nightmare struggle post... I can't lift my upper body at all once I get into it. The assistant helped me today... I told her "Go REALLY slow..." and she did. We managed to get further up than I expected but when she let go I was done. It's strange because Ustrasana I feel nothing in the front of my body but in Bhekasana it is the combination of muscle plus stretch that does me in.
In a wierd sort of way, this whole thing is helping me fine tune my understanding of my upper body.. Today I actually had to ask if the muscle being impacted in Supta K was my pect. Funny.
I'm now in official pain... my body is freaking out... the honeymoon and wonder of actually being able to get into some postures is gone and now I have the long road to travel of understanding my body again. It's not that I necessarily am sad about that but I definitely miss the meditative quality of my pre-surgery practice. I think perhaps it is the flow of the practice I miss. Vinyasas actually do something people :)
You know... it is so easy to blog about asana. It is not so easy to blog about jnana or bhakti or... those things are much more personal, much more esoteric and hard to relate... much more of what is hidden within that is that special, special place for myself... I often am mystified when people say that blogging about asana is revealing some of the mystery.... blogging about asana is blogging about the physical and has literally next to nothing to do with the journey one takes through the mind, the heart, the soul on the mat... those are very different things... one is describable with words, the other is not.
I'm planning to practice tomorrow... and hopefully Wednesday. Thursday we leave for our annual sans children trip to Marquis in Cabo... I am so excited... and you should see the special somethings I got at Neroli for my trip... it's amazing what one can wear when one has fake boobs :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:09 PM | Comments (4)
September 16, 2005
Post Op Yoga Photo Op
For your viewing pleasure, 7 pages of post-op yoga photos taken this morning...
I have a couple favorites -- one is the head shot in setu bandhasana and another is one of the wierd angeled Mari D... note that I bound by myself in all poses but supta k where I needed a bit of help with the hands but did get my ankles crossed on my own.. more later.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:15 PM | Comments (7)
September 13, 2005
The Standard Sucks Even More
This morning started out with the Bill Gates keynote..... I know none of you are tech heads but, hot mama, I'm totally stoked about Windows Vista and Office 12. Office 12s new UI and XML base, adding command bars is now just an XML FILE! How freakin' rockin' is THAT!, and the fact that Windows Vista as Apple-fighting graphics means some really awesome (how much more freakin' California can I sound?) software is comin' 'round the bend. Everyone had their cameras out... I know pictures were up and the guy in front of me was totally streaming video somewhere. So, yea, cool morning followed up by in depth sessions on Office 12 UI and the new doc format.. fascinating.... and, yet, all of this would be better on my work blog... oh yea, I never post there anymore (shame).
So, after conference today I got to check in to the hotel I was all excitedly, since JMS posted about it, staying in, The Stanard.... I had been having nightmares that, given the situation, I mean overbooked and all, that I would get there and there would be no room left... only I was wrong.. it was worse... I got a room... and it was a smoking room... and my friends there was no way in hell. I knew I'd feel horrible after but, you know, there's only one way to deal with a company like this. I threatened their image, I called and told them off and I assured them that anyone who knows my blog friend who knows my blog friend who knows my sister and my long lost cousin would know just how shitty their hotel had been to me... afterall, there's a reason we put NON-SMOKING on the reservation, oh, the one we changed 3 weeks ago but, oops, you lost. So, I'm now at this place....Figueroa Hotel.
When I walked up to this hotel I thought cool, this has cool vibe... and then the horrible Hotel Snob in me broke out... I walked into the room and saw the "living room" area... it was wonderful... a couch but a big center East Indian looking "living room table" -- and cushions around it... floor seating. I thought "What a wonderful place to do yoga!" Then I realized there is no food service (I'm exhausted), no lights (it's really dark in here, I wonder why?), no central air conditioning (i.e, it's a bit loud) and the PDC Press Party just happens to be downstairs right outside my window (read really freakin' noisy tonight).
So I went out to find dinner with mixed reviews. I thought surely a place like this would have a restaurant... nope.... so I turned to the left and walked about 6 blocks... nothing (but some scary people)... freaking' out that I was alone... I walked back... and stood talking on the phone when I realized that next door to the hotel (well a block down) is a restaurant that looks like a Mexican restaurant but is really an Italian place... so I ordered something to go and as I came back Krishna Das was blaring through the lobby... you gotta love a place that can invoke the magic of Kirtan in the lobby... so I decided it was meant to be... why?
Well, first, you don't hear Krishna Das playing publically like that many places... and second, I've been really dying to try a "seated family area" in our house for awhile.. but never knew how to present it... but I think I do now... it's something I feel strongly about now just all of a sudden.
P.S. I did practice this morning but just sun salutations and a few standing poses... I wasn't feeling safe trying to do anything else.. not sure why.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:12 PM
September 12, 2005
My Next Photo Shoot
So on Friday I emailed my doctor to tell him about my practice and, for explanatory purposes, like I do on my blog, I linked to pictures either of me or ashtanga.info to explain what I was talking about. Today my doctor asked me to take pictures of myself post-op in yoga poses... Won't be very easy to take a self-portrait in Mari D :)
Tonight, rather than doing anything having to do with being a geek, I am hanging out in my hotel room just me... I had the yoga mat out for a few minutes earlier, had room service and am going through all the conference materials... The 101 is still blazing out there :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:02 PM
The Roar of the 101
So my totally expensive hotel room is literally on top of the 101 and the 101, my friends, never sounds like anything less than a 747 at the top of the runway. Melatonin, earplugs and pillows did absolutely nothing to assist in sleep so when the alarm went off at 6am I thought "Screw this, there's no way I can practice." So I fumbled in bed a bit more then headed for PDC... for which I was mistakenly two hours early for... I could have practiced afterall. We got to sit through the power outage in LA today. We were assured that it was not a terrorist attack (was that supposed to make us feel better I wonder?). I always mark the "vegetarian" box on my registration because sometimes the regular food is horrible and you have to have registered for a veg meal... so for lunch, know what the veg meal was, a single piece of lettuce with a single piece of soy bacon and a single tomato.... by the time I got here to the hotel I thought I would pass out from lack of nutrients (because all the other food is Milky Ways and HoHos). My idea of practicing this evening quickly went out the door as I sit here willing myself to make it to 8pm at least.... practice in the morning...this I promise myself.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:53 PM
September 11, 2005
The Standard Sucks
I hope The Standard LA has someone who periodically checks the web for corporate perception. I called and changed my reservation only today when I called they didn't have said changes. They could have cared less. After an hour of trying to figure out where I could stay in a sold out city I finally just paid ten tons for a room at the Marriott and from what I understand it was like the only one. I hate when I have to deal with someone's mistake.
Hey I've done this entry entirelly with my Treo!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:49 PM | Comments (1)
September 10, 2005
Led
The Son had his first soccer game today. It was on the big field. Part of me really has to admit that I truly worry about my son who just really doesn't care about sports. You see all the other boys, they are so totally into sports and The Son, well, he does this and happily enough but he has no extra drive for them. I assume we just haven't found his thing yet... I mean there are so many things you know. I have yoga. The Husband has surfing... he may be into something like rock climbing or the chess club or whatever that he's just not old enough to try yet. He had a great time free from the cares of a being a parent and just doing his thing.
I can't decide about practice tomorrow. I am leaning pretty heavily towards the no. While I'm totally feeling the high from practice on Friday (or is that just that centered feeling I lost?), I don't think I could do a led class. I can't move fast enough for the vinyasas that I really don't think I could keep up at all. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm 8 weeks out of surgery and it is perfectly acceptable and reasonable and probably even expected that I practice something less than everyday... but, honestly, it's like the drug or a Lay's, now that I've done it once, I should just do it everyday.
Off to start packing for PDC next week... By the way, the Treo is still just the best thing since the iPod (except, maybe, I should remember to turn OFF the Village Sims before hooking up with my husband).
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:33 PM | Comments (1)
September 9, 2005
Underarm Stink
Man, do I wish this blogger had comments:
because I have never fully related to a post by someone I don't know a lick about than that post. I have just spent the last half hour searching the depths of the Internet trying to find SOMEONE who still sells by beloved Tom's of Maine Anti-Perspirant/Deodorant... it is nowhere... I kid you not in the past few weeks I have purchased Mitchum, Almay, Adidas (the new non-alumnium kind), Secret, Ban, SpeedStick and they all ARE HORRIBLE. None of them work.... what shall I do? What shall I do?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:11 PM | Comments (8)
Like White On Rice
Now Playing... The Smiths:
There is a light and it never goes out...
The alarm went off this morning and I debated simply pretended to fall back asleep and not wake up. The tug of war in my brain at least woke me up enough to realize I have to start somewhere and that somewhere has to be with the discipline of getting up to go to practice even though the thought of a practice feels somewhat less than like something I really want to do. As I mentioned in a comment to VC yesterday, up to now, sitting on my ass eating bon bons sounds much better than struggling to find some semblance of the peace an asana practice used to bring me. Even sitting meditation is hard for me now. So the starting point has to be the discipline.
I arrived at the shala, put my mat down and sat thinking how difficult this all is... how I just want a few minutes to feel some semblance of normalcy in my life. At least I'm finally past the pointing of thinking and feeling my boobs 24/7, I have lucid moments when my breasts don't feel anymore. I hemmed and hawed over starting my practice. I finally did and it was everything it has been... tight, uncomfortable, scary.
The practice started off as it has and I was surprised when I saw Rich come over to me in Parivritta Trikonasana. As you remember, I've had a hard time with this pose, with any twists so I when I saw he was going to adjust me I told myself to do nothing but breathe. I was pleasantly surprised that the adjustment didn't hurt until he got to a certain point at which I said "okay" and we left it there. I was mostly surprised that he felt comfortable enough to adjust me already... I'm so completely out of touch with my body I figured everyone else would be too :)
I was doing the Prasaritas, A & B and then went to go into C. So far, C has been one of the most uncomfortable experiences yet. My shoulders have always been very open and getting my hands to the floor has never been a big deal but the first practices this week I thought the effort of getting my hands off my back was excruciating. Partly the stretch through the incision and partly the experience of using muscle to control the lift. So it was with great fear that I saw Tim's legs come up behind me. I thought to myself "Holy cow, what is he going to do?" He aligned my hips and then lifted my head and pushed it between my legs (I think I was holding back quite a bit here)... he then very simply, without effort and without me even realizing it pushed my hands to the ground. If I hadn't been concentrating so heavily on my breath at that point I swear I would have cried. He walked away and I held it there for a few more breaths. When I came up I was so overwhelmed by the experience that I had to stablize myself then I looked over at Tim... I couldn't help but just have this huge grin on my face and I said "WOW!" He said, "No pain?" and I said "No, no pain." He smiled with a slight nod and walked away.
The rest of standing was pretty good. I was infused with new life. I felt much more power in my body than I have since surgery. Tim got me into Trivikrmasana after Utthita. It was hard... the hamstrings didn't want to go that far and they held out but I miss that stretch. I even attempted Bakasana after Utkatasana and though I did get both feet off the ground, it was only for a split second.
I moved to seated... those first forward bends are still painful for me... and after them, I was feeling so good that I did the most stupid thing I've done in awhile but it is testament to just where I was at mentally at this point... I decided I would attempt to jump through. Bear in mind, I don't know how to jump through with my legs crossed nor did it ever cross my mind to try and learn that now.. I just went full gusto into it. I'm happy to stay that I actually did jump through and loud, quite heavily, on my butt, legs straight... but, man, it was stupid! My pecs, my arms, my breasts and my incisions did not appreciate the lack of awareness on my part as to just where my edge is. I sat for a moment gripping my hands to my chest and trying to "hold everything in" when Tim asked what happened so I said "I tried to jump through...that wasn't very smart." He said "Yes, let's try walking for awhile." :)
Seated poses were nice, I got a couple adjustments and I noted that part of the struggle is that what used to be a non-registered effort on the part of my chest when grabbing my foot is now something I have to notice and work with. Mari A and B are still enjoyable. Mari B still feels like home to me and for that I am grateful. When I got to Mari C I just willed myself to get through it. I set myself up and then decided I was feeling so good I'd try to bind... I actually did get bound on the first side, gripping fingers and twisting. I wasn't pushing the twist at all and it was decent. When I got to the second side, Tim came. He got me bound deeper and twisted further but with the added pressure from the twist I definitely felt it more in the incisions and pec area. I figured he would let me flail in Mari D as I have been... instead, he helped me bind. When I first noticed he was going to help me I thought "Riiiighhht!" but my negative thinking, fortunately, didn't manifest for he got my bound hand to WRIST AND grabbing my shin as I used to do to assist with the twist. I couldn't believe it and when I looked at him I said "It feels almost like normal!" It was a glorious feeling to find a feeling of normal! The second side was a bit harder, binding hand to wrist but no shin grab so I had to balance myself a bit more precariously making sure not to stretch too far into the incision... This feeling of normalcy propelled me spiritually. I saw the light and I realized that my trust in my teacher is justified... and it is time to stop pulling up the facade, hiding in my gluttony.
I did Navasana and was feeling so alive and free that I decided to attempt Bhujapindasana. I walked my legs around my arms and sat back and then managed to get my feet off the ground. I discovered that I have to lean forward a lot more and not sit so upright so that the pressure is not on the sternum/pec area but more of an intricate balance. I held this for a minute, dropped by feet, leaned over and put my head down, feet between my hands and then raised my feet. Again, it was a matter of adjusting how I held myself in this position so that it didn't hurt. I can't tell you what it looked like but it felt okay. I could not, however, come out of it, I basically just plopped down. I still felt good so I decided I'd attempt Kurmasana. I managed to get one shoulder under the knee but not the other... I was able to get my head to the ground but I was nervous to stretch myself too far flat (as I haven't done the front lying position yet) so I hung out... when I went to get my hands for supta k I realized I was a long way away. I struggled a bit then Rich came to help me... he gently pulled my straggling arm all the way through and we got my hands bound. He asked me if he should try my feet so I said "Yea!" only as soon as he lifted them and crossed them it was a big "No, no!" as I felt this sharp pain all the way through my upper body... way too much stretch... hamstrings have to loosen up a bit more first.
Still feeling great and really energized about my practice I decided to keep going. I did Garbha Pindasana... though I did struggle getting my hands through... you don't realize just how much of your pecs you are using to force your arms through those tiny holes! I had to really breathe to get enough strength to get them through. I managed to get my hands on my head but let go to roll around... and I even managed to roll, all the way around and come up into Kukktasana and hold that for 5 whole breaths.
Even more energized now, I decided to finish the rest of first series. Baddha K was another pose I was nervous about but Rich gently assisted my head to the ground and though it wasn't comfortable it is what it was and I'll work through that with time. The rest of the series was surprisingly agreeable... I did struggle with Setu Bandhasana but this might have been more from a "mhmm... how do I get into this perspective."
So I did a vinyasa and in downward dog I thought "Mhmm...I'm still feeling really good and I'm in love... should I continue?" So I came down to a squat and I sat there, debating with myself... the dialog went something like "Well, I did all of first series, every pose only skipping full vinyasas (because I can't do chatarungas but I did lower an inch then into upward dog)... should I try this? Is this ego driven? No, I feel really good... maybe I should just try it... mhmm... how would I EVER do pasasana?" Tim walks up and says "Well?" So I said "Well, I was debating with myself." He says "All we can do is try." I don't normally put anything under my heels for Pasasana even though my heels don't go all the way down... but I decided for support I should so I rolled up my mat. Tim put his knee on my back and helped me... I was completely stunned when my hands touched....Physically the biggest problem is that my breasts are hard... they don't move off to the side when the knee comes in contact with them which makes the twist a bit hard. I wasn't sure how far to push on the breast either. We moved to the next side... equally stunned to get bound all the way on this side and even hold it by myself a couple breaths....
I did the rest of my second series postures...they felt so nice. I loved Shalabhasana B in particular. Probably the wierdest thing I faced was rolling over in Parsva Dhanurasana (for you non-ashtangi's you start out in Dhanurasana and then roll over to each side)... you see the implant is still hard and they sit much further apart than my saggy boobs did... I couldn't figure out how to roll over the lump of my breast. I wasn't sure if I could put all my weight on it so I used my elbow to prop myself up and go over... on the second side I actually had to come out a bit. I finished up with Ustrasana, 3 backbends, head off the ground but a definitely icky feeling in the back... finishing poses and a nice and VERY grateful savasana.
When I left I simply said "Thank you" to Tim. I'm positive he knew what I was thanking him for... mostly for his insightfulness and his ability to know how to inspire me. I am so grateful for seeing the light, for having a few moments where things seemed normal again, for finding just a touch of that meditational state on the mat that I so have missed...that piece of the practice that gives me the ability to carry on with my shit and everyone else's during the day and to focus. It isn't about the number of asanas I did today or that I did second series poses... it is about the COMFORT in my body and the awareness and the challenge and the concentration. I'm sure you know what I mean... it's hard to find that state of peace when you are struggling to find a place to breathe.
Next week I am in LA all week so, unfortunately, that means practice in my hotel room but I feel confident I can muster the discipline to practice rather that stew in my gluttony any longer eating bon bons and feeling sorry for myself.
(I've decided that I'm not going to give away my titles anymore... it's a game :>)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:07 AM | Comments (3)
September 7, 2005
Straus Family Creamery
I couldn't think of what to title this post because I, literally, haven't given two seconds to think about my day today. The alarm went off, again with a bang in my dreams, gone are the days when I just woke up shortly before the alarm was due. I actually didn't make any excuses and just got up and left for practice. When I got there everyone was standing outside... see, again, did I miss the rule change? I talked to non-blogging John for a few minutes and noticed that it was back to normal... same basic people with a few new faces, other and others missing... but more like home. I practiced next to John... my loud landings were louder today... every muscle ached and tightened at the thought of stretching or contracting for strength. The little jump backs I had accomplished Monday were very quickly sold out to walk backs... but I did enjoy standing postures much better today. I guess what I'm having a hard time with is letting go to feel this twisted feeling. I liked my old practice and it's stability and it's insights and it's meditation... I will probably learn to like this new one too but it is so different. At the end I decided I was at least going to try one backbend again. How sick am I? I was very pleased when I actually got further than Monday, wow, while the rest of me is locked up, stretching the front of my body feels better than it used to... complete reversal of how it used to be. Anyway, I did 3 of those... they weren't bad.
After yoga I had a long conference call with a firm that paid me to do some consulting earlier in the year. They have a nice contract to give up... I then proceeded to spend the rest of the day fiddling with my toy... The Treo 650. I've now fully owned up to being a techie geek and I love this thing. It rocks. It's like everything right there... Ashtangi.NET actually looks pretty cool on it even. It was Kathy who got me on it when I saw hers (or whatever won she has)... I had to fiddle with it because I completely blew it up. Just like me, have it a week and decide to mess with the ROM... so I got it into an endless loop of resetting itself. So I blew it away, reinstalled everything and realized it wasn't just the install but the ORDER I installed it... and had to redo it again. Damn technology.
Off to the jacuzzi... (did you figure out the title yet?)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:10 PM | Comments (4)
September 6, 2005
Ah-HA!
Do you ever have lengthy conversations with yourself, you know those really probbing ones that start out with a simple question, "Why do I so desperately want to not practice tomorrow?" Aside from becoming fully conscious of all the actions I've taken tonight to sabotage my sleep-deprived self from actually getting up if the alarm clock makes it on, I've gone from thinking about yoga, to marriage, to work, to feeling so horrible for having called someone a mean name today at work and then back to the realization, front and center, with the answer to my question.
I don't want to breathe.
You heard it folks, I'm petrified into the receses of my brain of having to breathe again. Why, you ask? Well, because the mere deep inhale of breath these days, and I'm talking really long big deep pranayama breaths, hurts these days.... and I'm not really even talking hurt like in pain but just the full conscious awareness of muscles who are literally saying "nope, not gonna do that." I might have felt that in bhekasana (or insert any really freaking hard physical asana) before but certainly never in the inhale of breath. We all know this is really all about the breath. How freakin' scary to be literally dealt the hand where you *have* to sit up and take notice, where your pec muscle and probably your ribs are literally so taken down that it has to learn how to breathe deeply again.
It's similar to the shallow feelings of dread that knaw at me when I think of how easy twists used to be, how much stuff must be in there that I so casually glossed over all this time... and now I have to face those too.
It's actually quite scary... I feel like humming the tune from the Twilight Zone but I don't remember how it goes (I'm just not good with trivia, I've finally accepted that at 35).
But perhaps the problem is really that I haven't spent enough time in the lucid moments of consicious awareness without aid in the past couple of months and, well, it's scary to setup yourself up without that nice little mask of delusion where you can say "You know this and this about me (insert any victim mentality) so I can eat this bowl of ice cream and have a piece of chocolate or do some other absurd thing to sabotage yourself. I've actually had 4 of those no-nos tonight (I'm not revealing the other two).
But I swear, even with as much bodily abuse I gave myself I will get up and practice in the morning... know why? 'Cause it can't be worse than Monday... which means no matter what tomorrow has to be a bit better. Less physically than the mental perservance to want to wake up again.
Let's see if all that bullshit flies right out the door at 6:10a.m. (and, believe me, I'm not more than 30% sure it will).
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:24 PM | Comments (2)
What's This?
I suppose it is possible to be more sore than I am today... in fact, I'm quite sure I've been more sore than I am today but, man, am I sore today!!! I had wanted to practice today. In fact, I adjusted my nightly routine last night (which has involved lots of wine lately and not eating right) in preparation for practice... back to the discipline.... but this morning I realized two things.
1. Taking it VERY, VERY SLOWLY probably doesn't mean moving right back into a 5/6 day a week practice immediately. I'm such a black and white, 1s and 0s person that it isn't easy for me to see it any other way but with some input from others I have come to see that they are right. Slow means building up to not only the duration of the practice but the frequency as well.
2. My daughter started preschool today. I get to drop her off at 8:45 and then race to practice (which shouldn't be too hard as it is about 10 minutes away)... but I was silly to think the first day wouldn't involve a lot of interaction between parents and parents, teachers and parents, child and parents.
So I didn't practice and it is probably a good thing... give my body some time to recuperate. I am planning on practice M/W/F this week. Next week I will be in LA all week and, at any other time in my life, I likely would have practiced somewhere up there but I'm so incapacitated I would be silly to try it so I'll practice in my hotel room. The following week I'll be home until Thursday and then we are off to Mexico for our annual sans-children vacation... then I'm home for a week and I'm off to Atlanta follwed by New York for my plastic surgeon follow-up plus I am taking my dearest (but lagging blogger) friend, Lucia, to Tim's workshop at AYS in NY. After all of that I should be in a position to start a full daily practice.
Thanks to all of you for your kind comments... It was nice to wake up to them and know that I have so much support, even if it is cyber mostly, from so many wonderful people. I can and will get past this stage...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:10 AM | Comments (4)
September 5, 2005
Welcome Back
When I went to set my alarm last night for practice, I didn't even have to change anything. It was like 8 weeks and 2 days had not passed since my last practice. It was much different, however, going to bed. I actually stayed up worrying over practicing. How silly is that? I was worried I would hurt myself. I was worried I would look stupid. I was worried I would hate it. I was worried I would be incredibly depressed after the effort. I was worried that I'll never be the same that I was. I finally got up and took Melatonin and then worried that my desire to practice would be circumvented by the probably-not-so-smart parenting decision of allowing The Daughter to watch Harry Potter with The Son and The Husband and I. In the end, the next thing I knew, the alarm was going off and I had to actually think "What is that?" I turned it off, I lay in bed but I didn't make any excuses... I eventually left the comfort of my bed, paddled to my closet, threw on yoga clothes (though I had no idea what to wear, did I need extra support or would I feel better with less support... I ended up bringing a change of clothes in case I needed it) and left for practice.
It was nearly surreal driving to practice. The fog was so thick I could barely see the car in front of me... and, at one point, the thought crossed my mind "I am driving back into the light" for it seemed I was driving 80mph (yes I speed) into heaven. I pulled into the parking lot and noted Tim's car (wasn't sure if he was back or not). I also noted a man that I'd never seen before standing outside apparently waiting to enter. I wondered if I'd been gone so long that the "rules" had changed (normally, even though Pranayama is going on M/W/F mornings, we all still go in and nab mat space, sitting quietly until they are done). As I started walking in I saw one of the reuglar girls, she called out to me "I haven't seen you in so long!" Not being one of my shala friends she didn't know why I had gone and I said that, yes, I'd been gone awhile. She asked me why and I decided, well, I should just be honest. So I said I had surgery... then she asked if today was my first practice. I said that it was and I was nervous. Then she asked me what kind of surgery... so I told her. She put her mat right next to mine... I felt blessed to have a strong presence next to me.
Just being in the room was a bit wierd.... there were only about 6 people that I recognized as regulars. It's sorta like taking summer break and coming back to all new classmates. When Tim saw me he came and gave me the hugest hug and welcomed me back... I decided I wasn't going to stall, wasn't going to think, I was just going to do so I was the first one to start. I didn't know how I was going to do sun salutations... as Kiran told me, leaving out the chatarunga comes pretty naturally when you simply can't do it. I moved from downward dog, to plank, to my knees, lowered just a smidge then upward dog. It was hard to get the breathing right. I did 4 As. I only did 3Bs. Physically I could have done more but I kept hearing my surgeon saying "GO SLOWLY. DON'T DO TOO MUCH TOO FAST!" I decided that I would not overdo it... I would go slowly and I would appreciate it. My hamstrings were so not happy to be asked to stretch. I couldn't put my head to my knees during sun salutions and the padas were pretty hard for me... As I was doing Parivritta Trikonasana on the first side, I could see Tim looking at me. It felt absolutely horrible. I moved my hand up to my ankle, that helped a bit... when I came up Tim said "I was fondly reminiscing." I laughed as I thought "Me too" and suppressed a well in my throat and did the other side. Parivritta Parsvakonasana was not a good experience... I couldn't withstand the pec pressure of holding my hands in namaste and I couldn't withstand the stretch and hold of having my hand on the ground. I gave up with only a few ragged breaths. The remainder of the standing poses were fine. When I got to seated I didn't know how to get there. It was like I forgot that, at one point, I couldn't jump to seated. I looked at my hands, I hemmed and hawed and finally decided to just try jumping cross legged, landing with my legs somewhere behind my arms... I managed to do this (along with jumping from downward dog to my hands for sun salutations) albeit VERY loudly and without much grace. It was around this time that I noticed a woman close to me, whom I'd never seen before, clearly registering her disgust (that might be a harsh word) with me... I was clearly not doing the vinyasas properly. I noticed she looked to see if Tim or Rich saw me and then she looked back at me. It was a stark reminder of my own ego and perhaps some of the harsh things I've said about people who, for whatever reason I might not know or understand, do "criminal" actions in the practice of ashtanga yoga. Perhaps she was just trying to get my attention, thinking I was new to the practice and wanted to tell me I was doing it wrong. Afterall, I've verbally adjusted people new to the practice before myself. My fears of looking stupid, however, slid right off my back, I just didn't care and, I'm assuming, she got over it.
Seated postures were good.... I found regular stretches in nearly all of the first half including Mari B (ah, such sweet relief though it was difficult to maintain the wrist bind which has always been so easy for me). Mari C and D, however, were impossible. I did find myself sad during Mari D, a favorite pose, now unattainable even to the smallest degree. It was then that I vascillated... should I stop my practice because I'm unable to bind? I knew Tim wouldn't tell me to stop and I knew that my body was okay to try a few more things so I did my Navasanas and then started a new debate. I had promised myself I would only do half primary today... in my effort to take it slow, ease into it, but I really wanted to do some more and I wasn't very tired. My pecs were showing usage and I was worried I was overdoing it.... So I did a vinyasa and then thought about hte idea of jumping around my hands. I figured I couldn't do this so I walked them around my hands... and even managed to cross my feet and lift them precariously off the ground when I felt this deep pain. I immediately fell only to look up and see Tim staring right at me. "Pain?" he says. "Yes," I reply. He walks away... and I realized that while he watched me practice, my job was to figure out my body now... figure out how it moves, when it moves, where it hurts, where I can go deeper and where I need to hold back. Nope, I'm not the same and I'm not ever going to be. Stupidly I tried it again. This time with no success. The pain was worse. Then I thought, well, hell, Supta K is one of my favorite poses, I'll try it. I did try it... but didn't even get close to being able to get my hands under my legs... and I decided I was pushing too far... so I laid down for backbends... or rather, bridges. I did one...then decided to try a full backbend. It was the only time during practice I actually exclaimed out loud. I did get my head off the ground but it was stupid to try and that ego I left off the mat awhile back, well, it had just come back and gotten stomped all over.
I finished practice with a semi-literate finishing sequence and I felt good for it. It's going to be a long and rough road back but I'll get there.... with time.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:58 PM | Comments (6)
September 2, 2005
The Smallest of Words
Today I got an eCard from one of the students in my yoga classes during the conference in Phoenix. The card was this animated lotus flower blooming... and it ended with the words "Thank you for sharing your love of ashtanga with us in Phoenix." It was a really moving moment for me... and I think I'm just going to end my night and my post on that note... that someone was moved enough or enjoyed my class enough to send me an eCard (and clearly the person looked for an appropriate card to send) was really touching and inspiring to me.
I plan on starting back to my official practice on Monday. I am scared and happy at the same time.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:41 PM | Comments (1)