« July 2005 | Main | September 2005 »
August 31, 2005
Let's Get Metaphysical
Oftentimes when I sit down to write my blog, well, almost always actually, I have no idea what I'll write. The first thing I do is try to get a little sense of what I want the title to be. Does anyone else put as much thought into titles? Sometimes, granted, whatever my tangent ends up being probably resembles little the title I gave it before I started but, most of the time, I had least thought I was going to go in one particular direction :)
Today when I sat down to write my title I realized a few things. First, that I have stepped outside today literally twice. That's shameful. Second, that I am horribly inept at dealing with four year old major tantrum sessions (especially that resemble mine so much like the foot stomping, elbow grabbing, low gutteral growl that the voice box produces every 30 seconds or so). Third that the only interesting things that happened to me today happened in my mind (which, technically sounds like a good thing).
But before I go on, let me say that I have been a chocolate snob. I have always sworn off milk chocolate starting with the day, after 5 years of began vegan, I visited a friend from MotherSpirit in Utah. We were cruising around while the men-folk went boarding, kids in the backseat and my very vegan/raw friend stopped at the chocolate store. My eyes nearly bulged out of my head as I, completely in judgment (oh the good old days of AMU, my age-old mothering blog readers), spat "Are you kidding me? I thought you were vegan!" You can imagine that I nearly passed out when she told me dark chocolate is vegan (hence the word MILK chocolate). 5 years without chocolate because I thought it contained MILK and the labels were just emphasizing in that yea-right-real-cheese sorta Kraft way. So, for the next few years of begin vegan, I indulged on dark chocolate. Tonight, however, I learned the beauty of just the tiniest bit of milk chocolate. Kiran brought me over a Cadbury something or other and I snobbed at it... but thought "You know, I'll hang onto it just in case." Ha, she was right. There's something pretty cool about that creamy chocolate taste that dark chocolate just doesn't have.
So, where was I? Titles and chocolate. I took a bath this evening (hence the chocolate, I really do take baths with Krishna Das on, candles lit, bubbles and chocolate) and I discovered something... I'm in mourning. I'm not sure that, at any other time in my life I would have recognized this feeling but I'm pretty sure I do. I was trying to bend forward some and then thought "Well, hell I'm in the water and lifting my body weight (utpluthi or straight legged) used to be easy as hell so let's just try it." I was very happy that I could raise a bit but then suddenly this little ripple washed over on my breasts and it brought me front and center back to the realization of my chest and it was then that I discovered it. Mourning. I've been struggling with how I feel about going back to the shala. What will I feel like, will I still have the confidence to show up, why do I need confidence when it is all about me and my mat? So I tried to explore the tug of war between recognizing this is not just a physical practice, that it is deeply emotional and spiritual too... and it got me thinking about Mysore and then Guruji... and then the fact that Guruji said to me "You come to India!" and other thoughts I had while Guruji was here (blogged about here earlier this year). On some level I want to believe, well, I am pretty sure, that he didn't say that to every single person walking up to him so maybe he actually said it for me. And what would that really mean? Maybe it's just about how I feel about the experience rather than the fact of whatever it might have been 'cause surely it can't be as metaphysical as all that?
But, why I am I mourning... well after pondering for awhile about Mysore/Guruji/Metaphysicals and Physical aspects of the practice I leaned forward and I realized instantly that I'm mourning the loss of my body as I knew it. The truth of the matter is that my breasts are not there anymore and, you know what, that's okay, I'm truly really fucking glad about that. I harbor absolutely no regret and am really happy to be climbing the crest of this mountain but what I had forgotten is that I'm really just at the peak of the mountain here... I'm not on the way down just yet... my body is still fabulously jacked up from this even if I feel mentally fine and have pretty much full movement of my arms now. It's okay to mourn my breasts even though I'm happy they are gone... and when I feel my physical limitations and they become such a deeply wonderous thing I am reminded of why I'm here in this spot at this time in my life (right when I had the body-awareness from yoga to understand this lesson). When you start to get right down to it, nothing else matters but this moment. It's not like we haven't all read it in a bazillion books and it's probably true that I'll find myself forgetting about the moment a year from now... but, for now, I've got this wierd realization that I should just feel my feelings and let them feel. I thought I was so ready to "give up my breasts" that it was "no big deal" and "heck, I'd nursed for years, they'd done their duty" and I wonder if the fact that my sexual self-confidence, body image and self-consciousness are exaggerated due to my past has anything to do with my disassociation from the process. I was basically disassociated from the idea/process/surgery even sitting in the pre-op room. I did that to get through it and now it's time to open up the doors and let whatever is in there get out. So I'll mourn and slowly figure it out and when the time is right, I'll even go to India.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:28 PM | Comments (5)
August 30, 2005
Chataruang-What?
My feelings have been vascillating from pure unbounded joy, fear, dread and complete excitement for the past day. Yesterday was 7 Weeks Post-Surgery. It sure seems like a long 7 weeks even though, in the grand scheme of life, this is nothing. Everyday of it I have so deeply missed my time on the mat. I always feel so much more centered when I'm practicing yoga regularly. So it was with joy that after I posted my 7 Week Post-Op Pics for the doctor that he told me I could try engaging my pecs a bit. It was with a bit of fear that I actually thought about the idea of engaging my pecs...holy shit they hurt like hell just sitting here and I've got these wierd things on them (they seem pretty natural and all that but, honestly, wierd... they aren't the same). Then I attempted it. First and foremost, I have no idea how the hell I ever managed to do a single chatarungadandasana. I mean, did my elbows really ever go at that angle? I must have been really strong. Way the hell stronger than I thought I was. Right now, I can't drop a milimeter... seriously. Last night I then attempted to lay down and do halasana or shoulderstand. I've been yearing for the ability to put my legs over my head (funny that... when I dread headstand usually... ah, the appreciation of the lessons in all the poses). My attempt left me with a yelp of pain, literally and the realization that I'm not only dealing with my pecs here, I'm dealing with the ability to stretch my incision points too and, you know what, that hurts. So I emailed my doctor and asked him about it. I explained that in yoga we try to find our edge and then we try to take it a bit further. I wasn't sure if I should find that edge (half a milimeter though it is) and try to push it or just sort feel to the edge and back off. He told me I could try pushing a little but to go VERY VERY slowly and warned me twice not to over develop my pecs right now (I read it with the vision of red warning lights and sirens in my ear). So tonight I tried a bit more. I laid over the side of my couch (it is rounded and I used to do this everynight actually) and, nope, I can't get very far but what an edge it is. It's gonna take a whole lot of time of "damn is that painful bad or painful good" to get through this. Later I tried downward dog... and that's when I got just a bit excited. I mean WOW... this is gonna be like learning to appreciate building the strength just to get through the practice to Navasana. I think I forgot that, at one point, I used to think that was really difficult both mentally and physically. At some point Navasana came that halfway point instead of the end... and slowly pose by pose (wow, wierd how you are given the practice pose by pose, eh *smirky smile*) you begin to lengthen it out. What a trip it will be. At the same time as all that good bright stuff... I do harbor some feelings of mhmmm anger, I guess. I'm gonna miss working on backbending and all that nifty stuff for awhile. I'm not angry really at anyone... I guess it isn't anger really but a deep sense of "Man, I miss that!" It's almost like having a second kid when the first one has, oh, just been out of diapers like 6 months... all of a sudden you are back in diaper-land and you think fondly back with images of the Sound of Music to those few months (that had turned into the norm) within which you didn't have to prepare yourself for an outing down the street, find yourself with a dirty one on and nothing to replace it with, or, worse, find yourself with a, well, not working quite so wel one and you have to clean it up. You look back on those days with a sort of "Man, I miss that!" (which by the way happens to be a really wonderful part of getting past the baby phase altogether... I am now waiting to get past the car seat phase ;>).
Anyway, this means I can probably try and start practicing again and at least giving stuff a try.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:34 PM | Comments (1)
August 27, 2005
Children's Play
One of my very favorite moments in the world is when I walk into the aftertaste of one my children's play... it's the careless little things left strewn about that are really evidence of the creativity of their minds... chairs strewn this way and that, Care Bears stuck at each table of our "formal" dining room (you know, the table we never use unless company is around for some odd reason) seemingly forgotten after the tea party they attended earlier, pieces of Lego that you swore just an hour ago comprised this really cool ship that would have taken you 6 hours just to build. It's the greatest moment because it is the one moment in your life that you have this tremendous connection with that feeling of freedom. You might not have actually had that feeling in your childhood (I'm not sure I did) but it's the feeling that you've come to believe is the true purpose of childhood. It's nearly as good just sitting and watching the tea party but it's even more of a real moment when it is the leftovers...the stuff they forgot in the dust of some other fascinating adventure. I love those moments. They are the ones that I feel like I know my kids so intimately.
No yoga. No surf. I have this awful wonderous sense of letting go with my marriage. As Don and I discussed, I often glimpse around some of my deeper issues and just let them go here in my blog. There are some parts of me even I'm not ready to face yet. One of them has been this deep seated near resentment or anger I've felt with my husband. Suddenly the other day I had this near to literal flick of a light switch. It wasn't him, it was me. He's just being him. In truth, I think I felt an almost sense of forgiveness but more of an acceptance that I needed to own my feelings. It has been very relieving and things have worked a lot better since I stopped putting my foot in front of him at every corner.
We found out today who The Son's second grade teacher is. It's always this bizarre experience that day... waiting for the list to be posted... who is in class, will he know them, will it be his best friend (oh please let it be, he'll be so happy), will it be that boy you just aren't sure about, the girls who tormented him with "notes" (and he's convinced this means they hate him) in kindergarten (oh how sweet, but man, I don't want to deal with that again - I felt just like my mom "Now, honey, that REALLY means they like you"). As it turns out none of his friends are in his class... like not even the friends that are friends but just distant, non-playdate friends. He's pretty bummed. He's a super shy kid and he's truthfully just a little different. Sometimes it scares me how internal that kid really is and I KNOW he gets it from me because I was so bottled like that for so long. That is one of the reasons why I keep this blog... it's a HUGE exercise for me. I know he'll do great though... these are just my concerns.. in all actuality, he does brilliantly and is also fiercly independent. Someone mentioned to me the other day how wonderful it must feel to know that at nearly 8 my son is not intimidated by peer pressure much... and not bad peer pressure mind you just any type of peer pressure at all. Often if all the other boys want to play Star Wars, he wants Bionicle, he'll simply excuse himself and go play by himself... 8 year old stuff like that. I had never thought of it as an extension of who he'll be at 15 and how a parent probably really wants a kid who isn't overly influenced by peer pressure. To be honest I can't imagine being the parent of a 15 year old and I often wonder, when I get there, will I be as liberal as I am now and become like the wierd hippy mom who does yoga. I mean I do think I'm cool and all (don't we all?).
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:07 PM | Comments (5)
August 25, 2005
Teaching Surya Namaskara C
Yesterday teaching was much better. Seven students, no lawn mowers. I only had 45 minutes for class but was able to fit in most of standing and a few fun seated postures. After class was over, one of the students who had done vinyasa before asked me if we could do pigeon and eagle pose for the last class. So last night as I was considering where to fit those in, I decided what would be really appropriate would be to do Surya Namaskara C.... so I did. It was great! After that we did a couple balancing poses including eagle then moved to the ground... I even managed to do bakasana for a few seconds during the transition (not that I was doing many of hte postures myself, but I was demonstrating that one). I had them do a couple second series backbends (early ones :>) and while they were doing pigeon, I attempted hanumanasana... and, on a completely physical note, I actually did it on both sides. I was pretty stunned since a standing forward bend is still very hard for me... but it made me happy for the day anyway.
Teaching has been fun. The first day I thought I sounded like a complete idiot. The second day I felt much more comfortable and today, the third and final day, I actually felt pretty good... and more "in control" of the class. A really great feeling for me was that all 5 people who came the first day, also came days 2 and 3... along with those 5, each day I had two or three additional people. I figure if I sucked totally , they wouldn't have come back.
Most rewarding however...and why I can see the lure of teaching... after class today one of the ladies who came all 3 days, these were her first yoga classes... she told me that when she got here she could barely get out of bed... she told me everyday she felt better and today she felt really great... that yoga was helping her. It's not that *I* was helping her...but at least I assisted with the experience. How cool is that!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:53 PM | Comments (2)
August 23, 2005
Lawn Mowers
I've been here in blazing hot Arizona since Sunday. I took some time on Sunday to meet up with Kerry, Shannon, Mimi(though not her real name) and Margie from YAAPS on Sunday. We had yummy sushi and white wine *gasp*... The hotel, as it was last year, is very beautiful and the conference is going well.
This morning was my first official yoga class. It was, well, a test... By the time Monday night rolled around, I had well over 20 people signed up for class. Most of those people had emailed me last week and we communicated about the class, where it would be, times and I also let everyone know that I am unable to demonstrate poses at this time and what to expect from the class. We also let them know that the hotel would be supplying mats and towels.... only Monday afternoon I was informed that, in fact, the hotel doesn't have mats and they were going to give me towels to practice on. I explained that this was unacceptable and that I was unwilling to teach using towels as they would slip and also would provide no comfort between the hard concrete and the practitioner's feet. They "found" 15 mats for me and we decided practice would be on a first come, first served basis. At the event Monday night I started noticing more and more of those who had "signed up" were also drinking a fair amount and I concluded that class would likely be fairly empty.... Turns out I was right... and it was prefect. I had 7 students, all but 1 were experiencing yoga for the first time. The hardest thing was simply that I can't demonstrate a vinyasa and I had no one to demonstrate it for me. Once past the vinyasa (and we really didn't need to do too many since we were outside in Arizona in August), we did most of standing (excluding twisting versions and ardha badha) and a few seated postures. About halfway through I noticed the sound of lawn mowers in the background.... which slowly slowly made their way closer and closer until, folks, yes, the lawn mowers were literally about 5 feet behind me. This is NOT the way to teach a yoga class. Not only could I not think straight but I had to YELL out instructions... nearly impossible. It was comedy. Fortunately, it appears that everyone there took it mostly in stride and we laughed it off. Conference officers were informed, resort chastised and, hopefully tomorrow will be much better.
The highlight of my day today was having the opportunity to meet Don Livingston. Unfortunately, I'm on my laptop and don't have any blogs bookmarked therein so I can't bookmark to him but, he's a commenter on my blog, a yoga practitioner. His first comments on my blog left me stunned by his eloquence and absolute compassion and I didn't hesitate to meet him for a drink while out here. He's a wonderful person who looks entirely different than I expected but has the aura of someone I could definitely have in my life. It's a great experience when you meet someone, have conversation and yet you can never finish a conversation because you get pulled in so many freakin' directions that you never really put the final touches on any of them...
I also learned some really crappy things about some situations professionally today. I hate that I am too open with myself in business situations -- I like it personally... that I'm open... but professionally it's a huge problem and it bit me in the ass today :( :( :(
Don claims that you can't even tell I just had surgery...and, you can't... on the outside. I get very tired. I'm still sore but doing very very well actually... I tried to swim while here... not going to happen. I jumped in, tried to propel forward and realized "Uh no, that's all pecs and NOT a good idea!" Wearing a regular bra has made ALL the difference in the world in my daily life. I'm going to have a burn party for the Donna Karan horrid sports thing... I never want to see it again!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:41 PM | Comments (3)
August 19, 2005
First Practice
Today I did my first official practice here at home. I'm not quite ready for the shala yet but I did get up at 6:30, send an email out, lay out the mat, step to the front, said the invocation (which, last night, in the daze before falling asleep I couldn't remember all the way... no worries, in a cognizant stage, it came back to me) and bent over... only my hands didn't touch the floor before my hamstrings said "HONEY, I DON'T THINK SO." I decided that I was just going to go as far as that and not push this morning, just go as far as the pain started.... I moved from there to a semblance of trini then stepped back directly into a version of downward dog. I say version because I was a) slightly scared to do it and b) way too stiff to make it look like downward dog. I did 3 of these. I then did one variation of B... I can't get my hands above my head for Warrior I without pain so I didn't want to do any of these.... I did all of standing except twisting triangle (was just no way), Prasarita D -- one of my favorites, Prasarit C, was a horrendous experience. I even got a bit of warmth going. For sitting I did Dandasana, only the first Paschimottanasana (because I could only reach my ankles), Ardha Baddha, Janu A, Mari A (bound but not bound hand to wrist), Mari B (bound), Mari C, or an attempt and 3 Navasanas. Then I did setu bandha sarvangasana 3 times... and that was it.
About 10 minutes later my body felt happy... the effect has been wasted after a day sitting here working... but I feel proud and happy that I got on a mat. I am thinking that when I get back from AZ I will attempt to practice at the shala a few times a week maybe. The heat will surely help me.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:39 PM | Comments (4)
August 16, 2005
Flexibility
It's been quite a long time since I haven't written a blog entry in days... really, there isn't all that much to blog about. I'm sick of blogging about my boobs, frankly, but, hell, what else is there to blog about?
Yes, I'm proud to say that my life now revolves around my boobs. Everyone who sees me either a) stares at them, b) takes small glancing wanted-to-be-concealed looks or c) asks me a billion questions about the technical specifications of them. I'm almost to the point of wanting to spew forth "DON'T F IN TALK TO ME ABOUT THEM!" Then I remember that I need to practice feeling open and secure and all that crap that I put on my path and I soften up. So, in boob news, my doctor gave me the permission to try bra-less. It's AMAZING. First and foremost, after 5 weeks of hell in that lame Donna Karan sports bra (it has these HUGE underwires that go up the front and they totally press in on the sternum..oh it's just horrid), the freedom in my sternum feels amazing. Secondly, it's truly a trip to have these totally new boobs... it's like, Woah, what do you make of these? It's literally like having something foreign in your body. Not quite like the feeling of getting used to a baby kicking or something but still similar enough to remind you of it. Today I wore this super freakin' skimpy top to IKEA. I had tried to wear it once before but my boobs were too big (no I hadn't tried it on) so I never wore it but saved it for "the after boobs." So I put it on and feel wierd... but I can't decide if it felt wierd to be bra-less or the shirt was too skimpy. Afer walking around in IKEA, I've decided it was far too skimpy and retrieved the jacket Kiran gave me :) It really was way too skimpy.
Yesterday I spoke with my teacher on the phone. It was a really interesting experience for me because it was probably the longest I've ever spoken to him about, well, I guess me and my body. In the end he said "Yoga is about being flexible and not just in asana."
In addition to going braless, the doctor told me I could stretch until I felt comfortable... I asked about downward dog... grabbing my toes with fingers or sides of feet in forward bends... he said to do what my body says. Tonight I tried to do a sun salutation... I got my arms up enough that I could see my thumbs but they thudded to my sides coming down... trip out on having to learn the control of your arm muscles again! So I sorta gave up and decided to work with my hips as they've been hurting at night so I grabbed a block (*GASP* I have blocks in my room but only 'cause my daughter likes to do things on them like sing and use them for seats and stools and skis and chairs for her dolls) and I put it long-wise and I tried Prasarita A and was so disappointed when I got my head to the block and that was far! Then I realized it was really about letting go...and I got the block short-wise.. and then I got my head to the ground... and then my hands, both of them, and I got my head between my hands and I wondered, "Was I using pecs?" So I removed my hands and lightly touched my calves, stayed there so I could make sure I could stretch without pushing help... and then I realized that maybe, just maybe, this is perfect... Tim was always saying to me "You haven't found your legs yet!" or "Oooo slowly finding those lower chakras!" Well, there's no better way to work on the strength and center of that lower half than when your arms thud to your sides and all you got is your legs!!!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:40 PM | Comments (1)
August 13, 2005
Angel'ed
This morning I got up and went to the party for Yoga Mommy's little one (posts coming soon there!). It was really wonderful to see many shala people there for the first time in 5 weeks including JMS who had some wise words about saying "I can't do this" or "It will be a long time before I do this." I struggle between trying to prepare myself for the eventuality of waiting for the "a-ok" and wanting to just have internal peace and acceptance. A fine balance.
After leaving the party I met up with my mom and my niece and went to have tattoos done. I still didn't really believe my mom would get it done so I told her she had to go first but when we got to the shop and Dave showed us the artwork my mom said she hadn't been planning any color. I really liked the color but she insisted I go first so she could see it and decide. With the threat that if she didn't go through with it, I'd kill her, I went first. The ink did hurt down by the ankle bone, somewhere over the nerve but that's really the only place that sucked. After it was done, my mom decided she really only wanted the black and white version, she didn't like the red color so her's is black and white, mine is colored. The same angel, slightly different. We chose Japanese angels (an image I found on the net somewhere) to represent the years we spent in Japan... that was the period of time when I was older and the only child in the house so more of a close period for my mom and myself... the angel for the cancer thing... I was going to get my ankle band wrapped around and go behind the angel but I had to sit sorta sideways in the chair on my left side which is the side that hurts me right now... my right side seems totally fine, I feel good and almost normal on that side...but my left causes me pain and some numbness in my arm...laying on that side was very uncomfortable and when Dave said it would take 45 minutes, I thought it was best to just do the angel and come back for the rest when I was more comfortable....
I bled A LOT with this tat. THe picture is horrible because the blood is still dripping down my leg. I also forgot that I am going to AZ next week and would want to swim so I asked Dave about it and I'm going to attempt the super-secret Aquaphor saran wrap 3 day healing technique... we'll see how it shapes up.
In the picture you can't even see the yellow sash and outline on the kimono since it is bloody..and the bottom is a beautiful lavender, the feet are white and the wings have a beautiful blue highlight...my first COLOR tattoo!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:03 PM | Comments (2)
August 12, 2005
Dude! No Freakin' Way!
So, I don't know if I mentioned it but when I was about to undergo surgery my mom kidded with me that she was thinking of getting an angel tattoo. Well I thought she as kidding. Today was her 60th birthday so I called her a few days ago and said "Hey, guess what I got you for your 60th birthday?" Well, to my complete and utter surprise, she actually said "Cool, when are we going?" Still thinking she was pulling my leg I talked to my tattoo artist (Dave at Guru Tattoo) and we got the artwork -- a Japanese angel which would commemorate a few things. I used to live in Japan, my sister was out of the house so it was just my parents and I... and the angel for the recovery/dodging the bullet of this whole cancer thing. I'm still shocked that she is getting one... I told her she must go first so I can believe it when I see it. Anyway, Dave is going to fit us in tomorrow.... 12 noon... my last ink (yes, yes, I realize I said that last time)... I promise to post pictures... OMG MY MOM IS GETTING A TATTOO WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know, I have to say, in a huge way, this is the coolest thing I've ever done in my entire life. Angels aren't really my thing... and this is a bit cutesy but it will forever be this moment I shared with MY MOM... it can never be taken away... it will be forever etched on my ankle... what a wonderful thing.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:35 PM | Comments (2)
August 11, 2005
Addendum to the previous post....
I finally found out what it is that's been shaking my brain since I stood up from being upside down.... I couldn't quite put my finger on it but I finally did. One really cool thing about the road in front of me is that I'll get to experience yoga from a completely different viewpoint than I have up to now. Thing about it... everything my body knows about yoga is gone... well almost... so I essentially get to start over but with awareness of the process this time... When I started ashtanga before, someone, B (shout out rocket scientist), dared me to try Baddha Padmasana (too lazy to find pictures other than my own). Then, could I do yoga mudra. These were physically very easy... whereas learning to do the poses that are difficult for me (or were) took a lot more mental whiplash and, to large degree, taught me a lot more about myself though I might have been largely unaware of the method. Now that I feel I have a solid yoga practice and am a little more aware of my yoga both on the mat and off, it's going to be fascinating to experience new places of tightness that can potentially take me to all kinds of new places.
I've maintained for awhile that part of my backdrop/backbend/stand-up issues are largely due to the fear I contained within my chest. There's this huge balloon inside me that feels like I might find freedom there now...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:54 PM | Comments (3)
Slip Into Something...
a little more comfortable... there's this country song with that title... in many ways it evokes much of what I feel right now. Michelle Wright, I believe. If you promise, and really swear, cross-your-heart, I'll admit that I went through a very, very, very brief stage where I actually listened to country music. It was really all about a boy, you know... I can't remember who but I remember that's how it started. Anyway, there's still some songs I dig, like Friends in Low Places or, the other Alibi favorite, Clint Black's It's Killin' Time (if you don't know what Alibi as a noun means, I probably don't know you in non-cyber Life :>) but, I digress.
Today has just been this fantastically long day. The Nanny called in "sick" (mentally, apparently) (okay, okay, I have to go put on that song now..thank GOD for iPods I don't have to search through CDs...3 clicks, boom, random freakin' song out of my brain), the birthday party is tomorrow and I have to prepare (wine, beer, water, ice, setup, you know -- can you BELIEVE I'm doing this at 4 weeks post-op)... so my day has been one long run-on sentence... so tonight I just needed to gel out...
After the kiddos were in bed I stood in the middle of my kitchen and I bent over... and I breathed... in, extend the hamstrings some, out, in extend through the back, the sides, more hamstrings, ooh there's a hip... and I breathed... really long awesome inhales and super perfect ujayi breaths (like the ones I sometimes forget to do in practice). I stayed there for about 30 breaths. Deeper and deeper until I actually passed the point of excruciating pain and felt a release... knees back a bit more til I actually had my hands 75% on the ground... I was so completely into it... then I stood up. It's the first time I've been upside down that long in a month. It was wild.
Then... The Husband came into the kitchen... I came up and was explaining how exciting it was... so Ilean over again and I go "Look! I think they are almost straight!" So I push back and up a bit more and go "Are they straight?" .... and he says "Well straight in a bent sort of way. Not straight in the way you used to do it way." You have to love a man who just says it like it is... why create any sort of illusion for me that I'd just have to pull down eventually anyway.
Actually, you think I'm jesting but I'm serious. In some ways, being with someone who refuses to build illusions for you is so remarkably freeing. He'd never say I looked good in something that looked horrible on me (or so I *think*)
So, in the words of Michelle Wright:
"Till it feels like I've been poured into my little sister's blue jeans, And somebody's too-tight brand new high-heeled shoes"
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:54 PM | Comments (1)
August 10, 2005
No Practice....
So, I lied. I didn't get out a mat (can't lift it... the woes of a Manduka) and I have stretched again... maybe tonight since I just got out of the jacuzzi. I've spent the past day really working on real work... I've got a lot to do.
My mom's 60th birthday is on Friday and the party is at my house. I spent most of today trying to line up a caterer because, even though I would typically do it myself, I can't :( I finally found someone willing to work on short notice and I think most things are setup... some stuff I gotta go out and find tomorrow but it'll get done.
We leave for my conference in AZ in a couple weeks... looking forward to getting out of here (and hopefully able to go bra-less by then)... I'm debating staying til Saturday and doing Prem's (Anthony Carlisle) ashtanga workshop that day. The thing is, I can't practice. I emailed him previously and he was fine with me attending without being able to do asana... so I can't decide. It's partly a battle in the mind.. go and watch, yearn... or find non-attachment.
Today's mental chaos surrounds just when, if ever, I'll be able to walk through my day without my brain focused on my chest.... will it ever happen? Will it happen slowly... like one day I only think about it every other minute instead of every minute... moving on down until they aren't a spec on the radar unless I'm interested in them being a spec...like when I'm trying on all those cute little tank tops I could never wear before.
I've been getting lots and lots of emails from women who are facing prevantative surgeries and want to ask questions and see the pictures I have posted of my recovery (no, I'm not that sick...but this is how I communicate with my doctor, I take pictures, post them, he reviews them). I'm really excited to see so many people interested in this procedure... it is a remarkable procedure. My yogi friend who brought dinner over tonight and is also in the medical field and sees lots and lots of plastic surgery said my surgeon did a remarkable job... that they look beautiful. She commented on the fact that I've retained my nipples... so I've been pondering what it must be like to wake up from a surgery without them. I don't think I could do it.
Off to try and bend over and get my head somewhere near my knees...not going to happen but it's a good visualization :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:00 PM | Comments (3)
August 8, 2005
Nice and Slow
So this evening I decided to endeavor another first... the jacuzzi. I was really nervous after hearing about other's experiences hitting the water with these Mentor silicone gel implants. I'd heard one person describe it as those they floated up and out, another saying it was so cold and they stayed cold for hours .... so then I worried are these things going to heat up and melt. My back was hurting so bad though that I decided to go for it (okay, after googling for the safety and getting the a-ok off the Mentor website).
The jacuzzi was good... I hesitated submerging myself for awhile but, honestly, after I did, it was great. I could actually raise my arm and it didn't feel sore. I was still very aware of them. I can't wait for the day when I'm not constantly thinking of my boobs.
After I came inside I decided to do a bit of stretching. I started with Warrior II... which I managed to do a great version of... the only glaring alignment issue was that with my front arm raised level, my back arm sagged a bit... but I'll take it! I then moved into a modified Prasarita A, not putting any pressure on my hands... mentally admonishing myself for being surprised at how tight I am :) then I moved into a modified Parsvottanasana... I didn't put my hands back though I could have and did get my head to my knee although I think my hips were slightly out of alignment. From there I tried Utanasana... not going to happen. My hamstrings are tightened up pretty darned good.
I moved onto the floor... I did a great Dandasana, a horrible impersonation of Paschimottanasana... hamstrings again. I then did Ardha Badha... I bound on the first side and was able to extend just a bit... then I let go of the bind and was able to extend out and pretty close to head to knee. The other side binding is a bit tighter but I repeated the same procedure. I then did Trianga Mukha... this time I tried to extend my arms down by my legs...I got my hands to my feet. Janu Shirasana A... I didn't attempt a binding but I, again, got my hands as far as my feet and pretty good extension... I then did C, skipping B... no forward bending, just trying to remind my knees that Janu Shirasana C isn't something we'll never do again. I then moved to Mari A. I considered binding but thought better of it. I was able to get a full forward bend out of it though which was surprising to me...that it was easier than the other forward bends. After A, I attempted B. On the first side (which is usually my tighter side), I just tried to extend a bit trying to mentally figure out how I would work around the new breasts... but on the second side, with the forward bend so much easier, I decided to attempt a bind... I managed to grab all my fingers on the first try... with my elation I realized I might be impacting my pec so I let go and just let my fingers graze each other... just one breath... it was enough to see a glimmer of light on the tunnel of recovery. It was enough that in my mind I thought "Mhmm... when should I go back to the shala? Should I wait til I can do a sun salutation or go sometime soon and do this modified yoga just so I'm practicing the discipline of getting up and getting there, getting the warmth and energy of the room?" I didn't come up with an answer but I find it heartening that I'm at least thinking of it.
With the climax of binding in B, I decided to try bridge pose... laying flat on a hard surface is not comfortable and gravity seems to overtake even the still settling breast implants (i.e, they move east and west)... so I only did two lifts and then I decided I'd probably done enough... no need to overdo it :)
Tomorrow my plan is to actually put on some yoga clothes, get out my mat (gee I wonder if I can lift that?) and call it a real practice.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:21 PM | Comments (3)
Stretching 101
Today is my 4 Week Anniversary. One whole month since I had surgery. At this time a month ago I was just being wheeled into a room folowing the hour or so in recovery... a month later, I've spent most of today working as I have a big huge project that needs my attention and periods of lucidity in between where I contemplated my doctor's okay to start stretching. When I asked him what this means... does this mean I can start lifting my arms to the side as in warrior? Does this mean I can try getting my hands over my head and does this mean I can bend over and try to get my head to my knees (what used to be a simple task)? His response was yes, nothing that impacts my pecs for a lot longer but I can try to do all of this, being very careful and backing off when I feel any pain or extreme discomfort. My 4 week post op pics still show some yellow bruising color so I need to make sure I'm not putting any undo strain on myself.
The first thing I attempted was to try to touch my head to my knees. HAHAAHAHA... that didn't go so well. First I can't straight my legs. Second, the implants feel really really horrible going upside down like that. I held onto them for support and tried again... a bit better but very uncomfortable. Next I tried to lift my arms into warrior. I can get them there individually though keeping them there is a struggle but I cannot get them there at the same time (yet). I then tried lifting my arms above my head... nope.. not going to happen. I can put both my arms on my head and gently push my elbows back. I can also do reverse namaste though not as easy and not as high as usual. I then sat down and did child's pose... holding onto my breasts and really breathing my way down to my knees. I eventually got there and stayed there a few breaths... coming up with the pressure coming back into my chest was more difficult than I expected. I haven't tried stretching the hamstrings more... maybe later tonight.
Last night I attempted some mental ashtanga. I am happy to say that I have enough lung movement back that I can mentally picture my hands up over my head... a big change from two weeks ago. I don't have presence of mind, however, to make a whole practice :) Too distracted with discomfort.
I haven't had to make dinner for 4 weeks. I have dinners coming to me until Thursday evening. It's amazing to me the outpouring of love and service I've had from so many people in my life... some close friends, others mere acquaintenances. This ordeal has shown me love and blessings I wasn't aware that I had.
I have decided I would like to commemorate the "end" of this, whenever I feel the end has arrived, by getting new ink in memoriam of my breasts. I don't know what I want yet, but the emotion that comes to me is one around fearlessness and freedom. I assume eventually the image will come to be as well... and I figure I got at least another month to go :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:14 PM
August 7, 2005
Post-Op Rights
Oh oh... I was emailing with the lovely, inhuman and wonderfully fun blogger, KJS (if you aren't reading her blog, you are really missing some wonderful first-hand experiences of a first-timer in Mysore) and she reminded me of a part of the post I meant to right below....
In some ways I think this whole recovery thing is exactly what my soul needed. In some ways, it is exactly what my asana practice needed too. Right before surgery, when we were going through all the insurance crap, I really used my anger and I fueled it into my practice. Even a few times putting on music really, really, really loud and angrily going through asana in my little room here. Those were powerful experiences and I did blog about them I think. In some ways, I felt at the top of a powerful plateau. Now that I've stepped off I see so many things that I need to process and think on. I think they call this the lesson of non-attachment but, you know, I thought I was there before and think that road holds more for us than we can ever catch up with.
Anyway, in so thinking about this journey I've realized that another part of it is the idea that being very clear and more truthful about my feelings with others is a good thing. In that vein I now have my personal post-op bill of rights:
1. I have the right to say "You know what, I'm tired and need to go home." even when it might inconvenience others.
2. I have the right to sleep whenever I want.
3. I have the right to accept the graciousness of others without feelig obligated to write thank-you cards or otherwise show a materialistic version of thanks... saying thank you and meaning it is enough.
4. I have the right to ask friends and even people I don't know for help.
5. I have the right to discontinue use of the spell checker and fix my corrections... the effort of typing something lengthy is an effort enough itself ;) (really, just kidding but sitting at this desk instead of the laptop is really an exercise in and of itself as it impacts the pec muscles much more than laying in bed with a laptop. Actually it's a fascinating exercise in finding the edge).
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:32 PM | Comments (2)
Worry-Warting
In the last couple days I think I've finally found the acceptance that I needed for these new breasts. I think, in large part, I had mentally detached myself from "them" in order to get through the surgery and I hadn't found any "reattachment" to get through life. I have finally felt moments of "wholeness" -- when walking yesterday I thought "Wow, these feel like mine.. like they don't feel sore or uncomfortable or wierd." It only lasted a brief moment but it was there nonetheless. Much like the fleeting first time when you can touch your fingers in supta kurmasana or something and then suddenly, every practice, there's a bit more and then a bit more and then suddenly your binding.... and a few months later you hope to have a blog so you can go back and actually remember when you couldn't bind in supta kurmasana everyday. It's very easy for me to equate this recovery with my physical asana practice actually... and, so, for the first time, I've recognized the practice of yoga in my days now.
I have managed to find a way to sleep in what is essentially a mind-trick of laying on my side. I put a pillow behind my back, get into position to lay on my side and then twist my upper body enough that my head and legs are still in side-lying position but my upper body is somewhat level so I'm not putting any pressure on the side of the breasts. It only lasts so long but, hey, it's a wonderful twist from the waist.
One of my readers, Wini, from leanlongandstrong.com sent me a great gift this week. She's the author of a book (and also a practicing ashtangi) which she sent me with little post-it notes indicating what and how I could do things to facilitate my recovery. My doctor says not yet but when I get to do things it will be a wonderful and much-used reference.
In my list of post-op firsts, last night I took my first bath. I was really, really nervous to get these babies wet and submerged but I was determined to continue on with my firsts... my back has been aching (no yoga :<) and I thought the hot water would do me good.. so in I went. At first I just sat up and then thought I would try to lay down... well, I discovered I couldn't submerge them. Why? Well, I couldn't use my arms to rest my body weight on or support myself so I couldn't get down far enough, while still keeping my head above water, to get all the way under... but it's okay because I did get far enough down to soak my back and it helped tremendously. Bath - check.
So then today I got all worried about contracture. Truth be told, I don't even know how to identify contracture but, as you all well know, I worry over everything, relentlessly. I discovered through this worry-warting that if I do massage the breasts, they actually feel better...go figure ;) So I've been doing a lot more of it. I can finally feel them, implants and all, and not feel so freaked that I'm going to rupture them or hurt myself.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:34 PM | Comments (3)
August 6, 2005
Party On The Beach
So, I finally decided to redo my blog... sometimes at work I have to try to figure out something and I'm the type of person that can't just read a book, I have to actually get a project in my mind and put it together. When I was trying to figure out ASP.NET, I put together an entire silent auction website for The Daughter's preschool. Comparable software packages cost upwards of $5K-10K. So, right now, I'm trying to figure out some graphics stuff using Macromedia, a component of which is Dreamweaver and Flash. I couldn't figure out a test project so I decided to redo my blog with it. If you watch, I definitely screwed up a few things... so it probably won't be stagnant but I'll only feel pressured to actually learn to fix it instead of accepting mediocrity if I actually use it... if I just leave it on my harddrive, I'll never do it :) Talk about needing external pressure to get my ass in gear.
So back to the task of actually looking at myself.... Yesterday was a very monumental day in my post-recovery timeline. First, I moved back into my office, off the laptop and out of bed. I probably did so too soon, truth be told. It isn't as easy to sit here for long periods of time or type with my hands/arms up on the desk but, frankly, I was going to go insane laying in bed all day (not to mention I caught myself watching Passions). Later, The Husband and I were invited to a party... dinner on the beach, literally. At a house owned by the people who own Del Mar Racetrack... figuring it would be awesome, we decided to go. I took a shower late and after getting out, the kids had gone with my mom to McDonalds, decided that it was no time like the present to try and figure out how to actually perform my "marital duties" again. I was petrified (and I bet The Husband was too). I donned a regular bra, Victoria's Secret even, and we found a way. Now, having *don't want to say the word, you know those search engines* isn't normally a big event in anyone's life, right? Well, 3 weeks post-mastectomy, it's sorta, well, a big deal. It worked but I have to tell you, holy SHIT, are my inner thighs KILLING me now. It's a small window into just how difficult asana is going to be when I can actually go back to it 6 weeks from now.
We went to the party on the beach... it was probably one of the funnest times we've ever had as a married couple. The company was fantastic, dinner was great. We were actually at the party for 4.5 hours which is remarkable for us. I wore the VS bra for 2 of those hours before deciding I really needed more support.
This morning I woke up full of acceptance... I finally have accepted these things as part of me, as mine... as something to get used to in life. This morning I massaged them, I looked at them, I felt them all over.... finally the road doesn't seem so dark and grim and long... I don't see a light... but I think I see a glimmer.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:42 PM | Comments (5)
August 4, 2005
Climbing The Walls
The most exercise I'm getting is walking my hands up the walls... I can actually get them mostly all the way up before it hurts too much... fascinating. I've tried laying on the ground, doing a little setu bandha sarvangasana, that's okay. Some minor stretching here and there...
So today when we took the kids to the pool, I was sitting on the chair when I decided to weigh myself again (thankfully, no more pounds gained). As I was walking back I ran into one of the club's Iyengar teachers who regularly practices ashtanga. She asked me why she hadn't seen me later and I explained. She offered to help me when I can come back, that she had had surgery on her arm and had learned a few workarounds.... so I might be able to start there if I need some help initially.
Later I was sitting watching the kids when the lovely Kiran walked up. It was a nice surprise and she looked beautiful in her little bikini top :) As she was leaving I had this brainwave... perhaps I could have someone stretch me. So I can get my leg, for example, straight up and stretched but I would usually use my hands/arms to bring my leg down a bit further, but I can't. So, I was thinking perhaps someone could be my arms. I asked Kiran and she said she'd do it :) I'm excited to get my hamstrings stretched again... oh that would feel very good.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:18 PM
August 3, 2005
No Shoes, No Shirt, No Yoga
Last night I slept on the couch. Lest you think this was some effort in finding comfort, I was actually just majorly pissed off at The Husband. I had already taken the Tylenol PM and Melatonin and, as a result, was so exhausted that when he did the little thing that ticked me off, I just grabbed a pillow and left. This probably wasn't the smartest passive-aggressive move on my part but I did it anyway. The funny thing it was actually educational. Having the side of the couch there allowed me to sort of twist my body so that I had some support for my sacrum and I could almost feel like I was laying halfway on my side. I only woke up the once in the night which is about what I do now in my own bed anyway... so it wasn't so bad until The Son got up at 6 am and wanted to know why I was on the couch... I didn't want to tell him that his mommy was being a stubborn bitch so I just explained that it is hard for me to get comfortable and I was just seeing if I could sleep better on the couch. He appears to have bought this little white lie.
Getting up in the morning almost seems futile to me anymore. I lay in bed all day long.... granted, I am doing quite a bit of work these days but I am laying in bed nonetheless. Half of me wonders why I even both getting dressed. Today I donned my Ashtanga Yoga World Tour shirt. When I first put it on I felt happy... my asana-obsessed, small Western mind was elated to have some tangible essence of yoga in my hands (or, rather, on my body)... later in the day it just reminded me of how different my life has become. Sure, here I go, I'm a whiner... no worries, I fully recognize it but I also have decided it's my right to whine. This sucks hard.
Today the doctor told me I had to start pushing down on my pects in order to encourage the bottom pole of the breash to go down... this is not so pleasant... and it's downright disconcerting to think that I'm pushing my breasts around in there. I already have to push them together multiple times a day and now down too. When I told my doctor that now I can feel the implant and it wigs me out, he told me "These are your breasts. Embrace them! As I always say, rub 'em like you love 'em." I laughed out loud reading this and then realized, he's got a point... I need to embrace them... and learn to rub them as silly as it sounds. I'll be feeling these implants for the rest of my life, today is a good day to start accepting them.
I am still on the books to teach the yoga classes at my annual conference this year. They are only 45 minute classes and from the email response, I should have classes of 10-20 people which is fairly amazing given that this is a technical conference. I am very, very nervous to teach it. In fact, it's been keeping me up at night. If I had known I was, in fact, having surgery I might not have accepted this gig but, if you remember, I accepted it during the period of time when we had the insurance cancellation and I figured it would be a good thing. I have really enjoyed reading about how teaching finds you on the EZBoard. I certainly didn't go looking for this gig and I also understand how it found me... I'm really the only person who can teach these classes...okay I am the only person who can teach them. In a way I still think it is going to be great but I am worried about not being able to demo poses, especially vinyasa. I do know that there will be a student there who has a proficient first series practice so I can use her for demo purposes. I feel like I'll be cheating these people of an adequate teacher (though they wouldn't be having these classes at all if I didn't do this or renege on the committment)... I don't know how much adjustment I'll be able to do (and somehow that might be a good thing since I won't know these people at all). Anyway, it has been keeping me up at night...
Off for my nightly walk. I'm thinking of trying the bike at the gym tomorrow... We haven't had to cook dinner since I got home, my wonderful yogi friends and now my neighborhood... every night we have dinner brought to us... but, believe me, some of it hasn't been the healthiest and I have to find a way to keep my body going. Maybe the treadmill, or the StairMonster...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:48 PM | Comments (3)
August 2, 2005
Squeamish
The big event of yesterday.... ta-da... I got to remove the steri-strips from my incision points. I was really afraid to do so as you could see all the blood under there but, in the end, aside from ripping half my skin off from where the glue was, the incisions look, well, remarkably different than what I expected. My right side is completely healed over and just red and raw as would be expected. The left side has a tiny part where you can still see the stitches. I went and bought some ScarGuard at my doctor's suggestion and will start putting that on. Fortunately, the incisions are under the breast so, at some point, you probably won't be able to see it.
The breasts are looking better... I still have some bruising and apparently bruised more than most have. It is going down but you can still see the discoloration. The good news is that my nipples appear to have their blood supply back and neither of them will be sacrificed to the procedure. Who knew I'd be talking in such depth about my breasts so publically but I do know there are some people from FORCE reading here so I want to cover all the details for them too. My left side is still looking "different" to me although The Husband says he doesn't notice it as much as I do. It doesn't appear to come out as full and round as the right side did. What is odd is that the left side was the larger side for me going into this so I wonder if it has something to do with extra skin, etc. Anyway, they look just fine for me though I do wonder how much of the implant movement and touch I'll be able to feel in the long run... it's really wierd to get used to these things. They are so different and foreign and... well, strange.
I had a much better day yesterday even though I didn't even leave the house except to go for a walk around the block in the evening. I just felt better all around. I've started taking Hema-something from the health food store which basically has a lot of vitamins to help anemia, etc. It seems to be helping a lot. In addition, I've started eating breakfast which I've never done before since I was usually at practice.
To be honest, I am being very vain in getting worried about gaining weight. With my thyroid issues I do gain weight easily and, quite frankly, I don't want to gain weight. I know some people don't believe it but, at one point in time, I was overweight. I'm no thin twig now, I got lots of stuff going on under the belt but I am sensitive about it and have always had a slightly underdeveloped self-esteem. When I was in the hospital and the nurses were so "concerned" about the fact I wouldn't eat the hospital food one of them asked me how I was eating and I said that I was eating well for me and that I don't eat that much anyway. She said, slightly under her breath, "I didn't think so." The way she said it really stung me as if she was implying that I purposefully don't eat much. She didn't know that since I've developed a 6 day a week practice, my appetite had really diminished and I just didn't eat as much though I did eat very healthy. The way she said it made me feel as if she was implying that I was purposefully starving myself and I clearly don't think I appear to be starving myself. Anyway, everytime I get worried now about gaining weight, her voice comes back to me. I can't even place her face because I was still on drugs but I can distinctly hear her voice and her comments.
The Son started a new camp yesterday... his non-thinking mother accidentally got him enrolled in an all-girl's science glass. Another parent of a male apparently did the same thing so at the very least there is one other boy in there but The Son is deeply confused as to whether he wants to do the class. He really enjoyed the curriculum (he loves science) but we can see him battling his inner (and likely peer induced) confusion over being in a "girl's science class." He ended up going again this morning... I hope I have scarred him for life :)
Today I took at look at Chris's asana pics... when I got to the backbend I had a notable squeamish feeling... an overwhelming, holy shit, I don't know if I can mentally ever go there again... interesting... I need to explore that some more.
Time to get to work...the one constant that hasn't changed since having surgery. Work... always there for me.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:51 AM | Comments (2)