facing inward

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July 31, 2005

Today's Update

Well yesterday was really rock bottom and today has been better. I took Tylenol PM last night only to stay up for a few hours, eye pillow over my eyes, monkey mind jumping round and round, first one thing then another before finally passing out. I did, however, actually sleep at that point but not for a hugely long period of time before The Son was poking his head in begging for media time. I had a better day all around, was able to be up and around more without feeling like keeling over. I even managed to make a Candy Fairy run as the kids left the Candy Fairy a basket of goodies. On my adventure to the toy store I ran into Dr. Mike (Laproxdoc) who informed me I was definitely favoring my left side. It was good to hear... I've been standing up much straighter ever since. He also helped me carry Red Bull and Sprite to the car. I don't normally drink either but I'm going to try and wean myself from two shots of espresso with the Red Bull and I bought some Sprite because my stomach has been turning tricks whenever I eat which is likely thyroid related.

After coming home I spent some time on the floor... my practice again but this time I remembered to breathe. Janu Shirasana, Ardha Baddha (and I can even bind on one side without stretching the front of my body... yes I realize that sounds funky but I have hugely long gangly arms). I did some lunges. I held my leg for Utthita Hasta, what, C. I took a walk around the block without getting winded and walking at a normal pace though the breasts still tend to hurt by the end.

Sitting and laying is still uncomfortable (and I have an enormous amount of pillows around me). I'm going to sleep in the non-underwire bra tonight and see how it goes. I've read the kids two chapters of Harry Potter -- can't read much more than that outloud without straining.

But, at least I'm not down on the ground yelling Help... things are looking better :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:00 PM | Comments (4)

July 30, 2005

Sobbing Heaping Mess

Last night I treated myself to wine... it wasn't the smartest move I've ever made. Since it hasn't been so long that I was practicing six days a week and therefore not drinking much at all, it wasn't the most brilliant move to drink 2 glasses of wine. I didn't get drunk. In fact, I don't even think I got tipsy but I did get nicely dehyrdated, sick to my stomach and a gnarly headache when I woke up in the middle of the night as I'm prone to do these days (and stay awake for hours trying to get comfortable).

Today's big adventure was to go to the health food store and the bookstore. All the books I have laying around involve too much brain power so I really needed to find some mindless entertainment (which I eventually achieved). The store was hard. I felt like a big idiot asking for a carry-out for two bags but it's what I had to do. I feel like I need to explain myself all the time.

The kids and The Husband were off at a birthday party and to find the latest Bionicle reported to be out in stores this week (a bribery that The Son won... The Husband bribed him into practicing throwing a baseball with the promise of the Visarack as soon as it was available). I didn't do much at all today... but after I ate lunch I got incredibly sick to my stomach. I felt horrible. I assumed I was horribly dehydrated and somewhat anemic. When The Daughter got home she was exhausted so we laid on the bed together and took a nap. I woke up and my back just ached. It hasn't stopped. It's horrible. It's likely from no yoga, the inability to stand and situp perfectly straight and the lack of support for my lower back in the general "position" (back laying) I'm in all the time. I crave a side-lying position.

So tonight The Husband made me a steak. I worried that the stomach issues were my thyroid which was horribly off going into surgery. I ate it and proceeded to get sick to my stomach again... woefully sick... aching back... much like food poisoning. I crawled upstairs and just wanted something flat and hard against me so I managed to get myself into a laying down position on my back. It was the worst thing I've done all day. I got down there and it was simply the most hellacious thing I've ever done. The kids and The Husband were in the backyard and the windows were open so I was screaming (only it was just really loud talking because I can't get the air to scream yet) "Help me... _____ Help me" Eventually The Son heard me and The Husband came to the rescue. As soon as he pulled me up I burst into tears and started sobbing literally hysterically. I told him I wasn't okay and that I didn't want to do this anymore and that I needed to go to the hospital. I don't know what I thought they'd do but I just didn't want to be doing this recovery thing anymore. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up to being normal again. It's been my lowest point yet.

It can therefore only get better from here. It surely can't get any worse than literally getting on the floor and not being able to get up. Tomorrow I think we're going to have to visit the Healthy Back store and try to find something to support my back when sitting... I also realized that I had my bra on simply way way way too tight. It was putting so much pressure on my lungs and sternum that when I got the release from the bra pressure I felt a bit better.

I'm still low and down in it... but I'm not feeling like I need to go to the hospital at the moment. Since I'm stuck in bed mostly... The Son and I are going to start the Harry Potter series.... and I'm off to start it.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:46 PM | Comments (2)

July 29, 2005

Green Eyed Monsters

I've been telling myself during the majority of my moments that doing asana is no big deal... there's a whole wide world of yoga out there that has nothing to do with which way I can contort my body. The other 10% of the time I ache for the stretch and the physical release that yoga is. I know this makes VC twist in his chair but it's true. When you do a yoga asana practice everyday the physical release becomes a part of your life. That isn't to say that the physical part of the practice is the ONLY or even MAIN part of your practice but just like runner's high, the release of chemicals into your body feels good, the time away from the onslaught of daily life feels good, the time to stretch your muscles, come on, just like a massage, it feels damned good. For the past two weeks I've rarely thought of asana or even stretching. I didn't feel like I could walk into the bathroom without huffing so it wasn't a dint on the surface of my radar screen. The other day when I did my little "practice," that was really about the frustration of sitting in my bed all day and just needing to get out of it and do something. I haven't been able to read. This is probably the first time in years and years that I haven't read in over two weeks. Yep, I haven't read since I had surgery. I can't wrap my brain around the words. So when the frustration of sitting it, I just sank to the floor to cry and thought "Screw crying, I'm just going to see if I can even feel a stretch."

So, it was with a bit of surprise today that as I sat outside on a chair watching my kids swim, the corner of my eye caught the shades being pulled up in the yoga room and I realized, it's Friday night, it's 6pm and that means my M is teaching full primary right now. I felt jealousy. Maybe it wasn't jealousy but I saw one of the students lift his arms for their first sun salutation and I felt this weightless pit in my stomach, sorta like you get when you've first fallen in love and you're yearning for the object of your affection.

When I got home, I stood on my driveway, I bent my knees and I felt the first glimmer of desire to arch my back. So far I've been very closed down in the front of my body, protecting it, rounding the back, feeling very hollow. So the desire to actually press back was a shift for me (see VC, it isn't necessarily about the asana, it's about the tangible pieces of oneself the practice of asana can bring you to)... it was a shift to recognizing that I have to find the emotional piece of this that will allow my chest to become open. To allow the weight of the worry of all these years, the weight of the worry of the future to be released. To find the natural arch of my spine, the emphasis of my shoulders... yes, dear friends, to push my breasts out instead of hollowing them in. Though they may not be real, they are now what is me and they will never have cancer in them. They may not be perfect. The one's God gave me weren't perfect either. They may not stretch or smoosh or jiggle the way they used to... but they will do all those things with time (okay, well, maybe they won't jiggle so much but then, again, I have no idea if implants jiggle).

I find that the physical practice of ashtanga holds many of the keys to my emotional and mental state of well being -- it holds a true connection to my soul. I don't think that I am asana obsessed... I think I am a lover of asana, a pracitioner of asana and a yogi trying to live the path as best I can in a Western world with my responsibilities as I've made them in life. I actually have a lot of pride in that.

There's this yogi I know... he's been traveling the world... he's a cave dweller if I've ever met one in the year 2005. He's got a beautiful soul and a beautiful life and he's a seeker... and he's not married and he doesn't have kids and he doesn't have a house, a car, a job. I sometimes envy his ability to go out and live that dream. I read his emails and I wonder at the insights into life and soul that he's been able to live.... and I remember that my path in this life is to be a mother. To make a life with my husband. To practice yoga and all that "the practice of yoga" encompasses which includes asana and asana just happens to be the part that is the easiest to right about for all the rest is just too deeply personal and intangible to really get to with words :)

So I wasn't planning to make any of that post really... well except for the jealousy part... but, there it is. I actually really like how VC expresses himself and he always makes me check myself and my thought patterns and my habits. So thanks for reading and posting VC.

In more menial notes, today I got up and took my kids to school. It was my first expedition past Starbucks. I did okay. Actually I did a good job. The Son had a magic show right after and it was much harder to hold the video camera up (in fact, I simply couldn't do it but I did get his two minutes of fame on camera). Then I went to Rite-Aid and that was pretty much all I could muster up for the day. It's still amazing to me how the smallest of endeavors can just wipe my ass out for an entire day.

The breasts have softened up a bit today and the bruising and swelling looks to be decreasing a bit. It's going to be an experience learning to live with these things and grow them into a part of me. It might be the best trip I've taken since dropping acid years ago :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:21 PM | Comments (4)

July 28, 2005

It's A Small World Afterall

Last night I did my first yoga practice. It started with me just being completely frustrated... so I ended up sitting on the floor and doing a modified Navasana (knees bent, hands to my chest) three times... making sure I wasn't extending through the spine but really trying to engage my bandhas. After that I did Janu Shirasana A... again, holding onto my chest, not extending the spine but trying to stretch out the hamstrings. I made it about halfway down and then rounded my back a bit. I could feel the energy of my leg but didn't dare go that far. I then tried Ardha Badha ... I didn't push going down further than halfway. I did Janu Shirasna A again... then tried Paschimottanasana... sadly, my hamstrings are very, very locked up. I didn't push any of this, didn't feel it in the chest at all, just very gentle stretching... and that was the extent of my first "practice" post-surgery. I realized after that I barely breathed the entire 5 minutes I was down there. It's a start.

Shortly thereafter I was laying in bed and I yawned very, very deeply and I felt my left breast have this huge impact from the stretch of the yawn. It's been very tender ever since. In addition, some of the swelling has gone down overnight and I can now feel the sides of the implant with my fingers. It's very bizarre. It's downright freaky actually.

I did take Tylenol PM last night and I did sleep better but, like other times I've taken sleeping aids, I just can't wake up and I feel fuzzy all day. My body is still detoxing, the peeling is getting worse. I wish I could detox because I have clear signs that my body is full of toxic waste but I'm certainly not strong enough for that yet.

So a wierd thing happened this morning. I have a good friend who is actually more of a business associate... but I like him more as a person than regular business associates so I call him a friend. We actually met via the work blogging world and then met in person at a tech conference. His family life is very similar to mine, married, two kids, same ages. We like the same music, grew up in the same time period and we have an expertise in the same line of work. Anyway, this is my long way of saying that we frequently chat via IM about work and kids and through those conversations I've learned a lot about his wife who is an ex-gymnast. I've been telling him to convince her for the last year to try ashtanga, that she'd really like it. When I was trying to learn to drop-back I made him have her do it and explain to me what parts of her body she was engaging. I'm sure she thinks I'm a freak. If she didn't then, she certainly does now..... So this morning I pinged him to ask how his So. Cal. job interview went and he tells me that his neighbor (waves hello to neighbor) reads my blog! Apparently his wife and neighbor were talking about my blog when the fact that I live in SD, practice ashtanga, have a blog and just had bilateral mastectomies clued his wife in that I'm one in the same person as her husband's business associate. Pretty wierd. Blows me away actually. I told him maybe this neighbor, who must practice ashtanga or something, will get her to do ashtanga :)

I have found that every now and again we get these subtle clues about how interconnected we all are. What a small world we live in... how we are all living in the same sphere of energy and time and how important it is to remember that through the subtleties and tribulations of everyday life we are all one in the same.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:53 AM | Comments (10)

July 27, 2005

Clasping

Thanks for all the replies to my blog-sobbing of yesterday.... I'm tired of saying "Yes, I'm fine, thank you," so I'm not going to. Mentally I'm not much better today. Who knew I could be so weak? I think I'm finding that all these toxins in my body are coming out... right down to my skin. My skin is just flaking off... everywhere... it's disgusting. It's not uniquely dry here lately, New York was incredibly humid, my skin usually runs a bit dry but not like this... we're talking wierd, wild just enormous flaking off of my skin. I am convinced this is the anethesia.

Little sleep last night again. The lack of sleep is probably complimenting my mental state quite nicely right now. In other words, a lot of my weakness and mental chaos is likely from lack of sleep itself. I heard from my doctor that my breasts look good but my healing may be a bit longer than the girl I met yesterday as she didn't have much bruising and I have a lot. It's no surprise. You probably remember posts I've made about being incredibly bruised up from Bakasana. I bruise super easily.

I did manage to drive myself to Starbucks again today. It felt a bit better but I still don't feel comfortable driving any further. I also managed to work almost an entire day today. It surprises me to no end how just laying down and typing can make me feel so very, very tired. I think it's just being awake.

Today was the first time that I felt some stirring of jealousy about yoga. We took the kids to the pool for a swim this evening and walking past the yoga room, knowing class was just an hour away, was really hard. Being at the gym, around all the people working out, was not easy. Then I made a huge mistake, huge. I weighed myself. So, how much do you think two 400cc silicone gel implants add to your overall body weight? The Husband thinks very little. I'm hoping at least a pound ;) I've gained 5 pounds :( Doesn't sound like much but it still sucks.

For the record, like Kiran, I usually put my bras on clasp in the front first ;) I was never skilled enough to do it in the back. I have successfully put my own bra that way twice now. The problem is I can't do it on the tightest setting since my breats are essentially inflexible rocks sitting on me for now.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:23 PM | Comments (1)

July 26, 2005

Why Update

Half of me feels like blogging at this point in life is pointless. My blog over the past few years has, in large part, revolved around my practice. I hate to bore my readership, here largely for yoga. Heck, I even hate to bore myself. My updates don't sound so exciting... today I had a very long and tiring day. Of course, I only went out for a couple of hours and, other than that, I've been in bed. It's amazing the difference in lifestyle pre-op and post-op. So, forget the blogging whine, I'm going to go ahead and just post about my life as I've always done and see where I'm at in two weeks, four weeks, a year....

The Husband had to leave really early this morning. I tried to get up so that The Son, fascinated by all things space, woudn't miss the lift-off... I missed it by 4 minutes. Fortunately, there's replay :) The kids got off to school with The Nanny when I realized that I wouldn't be able to shower... because, dear friends, I'm unable to undo or redo my own bra. *sigh* I asked The Nanny to come back after doing drop-off... so I had to pay $12 just to get a shower.

Shortly after my shower, M, a wonderfully brilliant lady who had the same preventative surgery as me only two weeks prior gave me a call. She lives in Florida but happens to be here in San Diego for a visit and was going to stop by so we could have a show-n-tell of Alloderm Breasts. I was so happy I managed to get a shower. It was very good to meet M and get her pointers. She's two weeks ahead of me and the difference in the softness of her breasts is pretty dramatic. I'm still hard, she's much, much softer. She's moving around a lot better but is still taken from the surgery some too. We all heal differently but at least I have an idea of what life two weeks from now might be like. M, myself and M's daughter went to Del Mar proper and walked around the plaza then had lunch at Sbicca. After we stopped at Chuao as they claimed to be chocolate whores much like myself (at the rate I'm eating chocolate and NOT exercising, my ass is going to be insanely huge in a few weeks). This outing was about as much as I could take.

M had gotten me into a new bra. A NIKE soft cup bra that felt great... for a few hours. By the time I got home, I really, really wanted the support of the underwire.... only no one was home to help me. It's tough to feel helpless. It's really fucking humbling to call all your neighbors to find someone who can come help you with your bra. I finally got someone who was home... actually the person who has been the biggest and most extraordinary friend during this whole thing... in fact, I've spent half of today searching for something special enough to thank her for everything she's done for me. She came over, helped me off with my bra, helped me on with the other bra. I felt humble... no room for ego. Yoga in and of itself I suppose.

This experience also led to some deep anger for me though. It's horrible to say, it could be so much worse, but, frankly, I'm damned sick of my bed. I'm sick of not being able to do anything. I'm sick of being uncomfortable. I'm sick of being dependent on everyone else. I miss my mat. I miss my breath. I miss picking my kids up. I miss hugs. I miss feeling normal. I don't feel normal. I wonder what normal is... what normal will be again. I'm tired of this... and that makes me feel weak... where's my strength? Where's the discipline that led me to get up every morning for practice? Where's the mindfulness and the mental stamina to withstand the power of the practice? I lost that somewhere and I need to find it.

I have a niggling little idea that I have to hit the bottom to get back up the hill...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:15 PM | Comments (9)

July 25, 2005

Come Up Chocolate

Little sleep again last night but a major accomplishment in the early hours... so tired was I from the discomfort of the night that I managed to get onto my side this morning and sleep for about 15 minutes. When I woke up, startled that I had fallen asleep in such a tentative position, I was elated. I then tried to work myself onto my other side, the more tender and sensitive side right now... it was much more difficult and I never fell asleep but I did stay laying on my side for a bit... wouldn't want to cause any unevenness purely from the desire to be off my back, now would I?

I also accomplished working most of the day today. I drove myself to Starbucks...but that's as far as I feel comfortable driving at the moment. I even managed, now this is big, to get my bra on all by myself after my shower this morning. So, in essence, today has been a better day. Baby steps are slowly turning into toddler steps... I've moved from sun salutations to standing poses :)

When a yogi friend brought over dinner tonight, she compared recovery to practice. She made the comment that, in practice, we don't often see major changes but more subtle changes day in and day out and that that is often what recovery is like. This is one yogini who knows a lot about recovery and her words meant a lot to me. Later Kiran stopped by for a visit. She was the first person aside from The Husband to actually see my breasts in full :) I'm feeling more comfortable about them today... they don't look quite so odd (though still very odd) and they feel like they are healing up, are shaping up. My doctor said that they look perfect for where I'm at.

Dinners have continued to be amazing and the kids are in 7th Heaven because it appears everyone knows how much I love chocolate. My kids love chocolate too and are loving that we get new chocolate everyday.

Kiran also brought me my first Riedel wine glasses... what a wonderful treat that I didn't expect. Just a perfect gift... now I have a vision of kicking back in the nice So. Cal. air drinking wine from my Riedel glasses while I'm healing -- because I don't often drink wine while I'm practicing. Wine, wine, here I come :)

I tried to sit in lotus today. I accomplished it but I had to wiggle, wiggle, wiggle to get my top leg up without using my arm muscles to assist it there. It was tight once I got in, not the usual comfortable, could-stay-for-hours feeling.... but at least my hips are still open enough to get there. I also tried a hip opener sitting in a chair today... one bent leg, the other ankle over the knee of the bent leg, pulling in. This is better when you can use your arms to pull the legs in but since I can't do that, I used my tip toe to get more of a stretch and felt some tug in the hip. I am aching to allow my sternum to release but haven't found a way to do that... I can't stretch the front of my body yet so it probably won't happen for awhile.... my sacrum is also feeling a bit pinched up... I have been trying very hard to not tune into my body right now... the last thing I need to do is feel like I need to stretch... so I'm ignoring it. I did manage to walk all the way around the block today at a normal person's pace and without any heavy breathing...

See everyday things are improving... time... with time all is coming.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:41 PM | Comments (1)

July 24, 2005

Smaller Is Better

Last night was another uncomfortable night. I am dying to sleep on my side... simply salivating at the thought of sleeping in a position other than propped up on my back... only the mere attempt to get into a side-lying position is useless right now. Funny because I haven't thought too much of yoga. In my normal pre-op life, my brain was constantly thinking of where my body was, moving into a stretch here and there, thinking of yoga, breathing yoga... I haven't lived, thought or had the breath of yoga since surgery... the only "pose" I want is to lie on my side. I did attempt to stretch my hamstrings... an attempt that led not too far.

My largest accomplishment of the day -- I finally got all the adhesive off my arm from the IV and various "attachments" on my body. Though I hate the hair, it is much easier to wash.

I went to my first social event today... it was tiring. Funnily enough, half the party was spent talking about ashtanga. A gentleman walked up to me and asked if I practiced with Tim Miller. When I said I did he sat down and asked me to describe my practice and the practice of ashtanga yoga. He said he has been doing some yoga but hasn't found a "home" and wanted to hear about a traditional ashtanga practice. I talked a lot. When I was done he said it sounds like what he is looking for and was going to take Tim's intro class. It will be interesting to see if one day I run into him in the shala or not.

Talking about my practice made me miss my practice. I miss waking up at 6am (can you believe I just said that), throwing on my clothes, stealing out of the house before anyone else is awake and having that time. I miss it physically. I miss it mentally. I miss it spiritually. I wonder what will happen when I can come back to my practice... where do I start? Do I start at home and only go back to the shala when I can actually do the practice? Do I try to retrain myself to get up in the morning and get to the studio to practice even when I can't do the whole practice? How long will it take to be able to do downward dog again? Chatarungas? Marichyasana B... or D... Pasasana? None of that should matter but it's like walking off a cliff... I have no idea what is on the other side of this.

We got to talking about my breasts today. I think I have a very unclear picture of what "normal" breasts look like. I feel like my breasts are too far apart at the moment. Then I saw a picture in a magazine and I said to The Husband "Look, she has the same width between her breasts... is that normal?" I think perhaps my breasts were so saggy and soft from nursing that I don't know what to expect from these new fake things. Everyone that I've seen today, however, has stated that they look much smaller than before. The thing is I'm wearing the exact same size bra it's just that they are higher and wider than before. Even my friend's teenage daughter said "THOSE are C cups?"

Being a "previvor," as they call us hereditary/gene positive women who have chosen preventative mastectomy, is a wierd place to be. People seem to have a very hard time figuring out how to treat you. When people have asked what's wrong I simply state "I had surgery." Many people have gone on to ask "Can I ask what you had done?" When I respond that I had double mastectomy their reaction is clearly one of "Oh no, you have cancer." When I explain that I didn't have cancer and that I have chosen this as a preventative measure, there is a distinctly different change that comes over their face. I haven't quite placed it. It's not that it's bad but the "pity" or "sympathy" that was present when the cancer thought crossed their mind disappears. It definitely peaks interest and I find myself answering a lot of questions in grave details especially about the procedure itself. Along with the interest, however, comes some degree of, mhmmm... I'm not even sure what to call it. Almost like their sense that I need help, am hurting, am recovering is somewhat lessened because it was elective surgery. Anyway, it's interesting to feel my way through this experience with people from all areas of my life.

In espresso news... one of my good friends owns a coffee company. Their company makes extracts for a very famous manufacturer and also makes all the extracts for a large chain of coffee stores (not Starbucks, better than them actually just not as widespread). I asked the husband of my friend today about espresso and he said he's going to "whip up" some espresso extract for me (they have an organic line too) that I can just pour into chai. Pretty cool, huh?

And I am so thrilled with all new blogging at Ashtangi.NET... though the lapse with the email address apppears to have stifled some people interested in blogging, others have come on board and I've been adding new blogs everyday. We have a very cool little ashtanga blogging community going on.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:17 PM

July 23, 2005

Bizarro World!!!!

As a minor addendum to my previous posts... could this be any wierder. Today I looked through my "On This Day" link.... I got my very long hair cut to shoulder length on THE SAME DAY 2 years ago. Could that BE any wierder? No, seriously, that's near twilight zone quality.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:58 PM

Addiction

Today has been the longest day so far... We decided to "go out as a family" today. We went to the kid's favorite restaurant for lunch. It was hard. The chairs weren't comfortable for me, I had to keep worrying about people bumping into my chair as it was crowded and we were in the middle of the dining room, the kids were bouncing around which was grating on my nerves and I found it hard to eat with the sitting position. After that we decided to visit Target to get some new pillows (I chose down pillows which I'm excited to use tonight) where The Daughter had a complete meltdown over a lunchbox. Finally home, I crawled up to bed, shut the door and fell asleep before my head hit the pillow.

Another yogi brought dinner tonight. The kindness of my friends has been absolutely remarkable and I am so humbled and honored to receive such love and kindness. She also brought me chocolate. I haven't had a craving for chocolate at all. Haven't even wanted ice cream (unusual for me) but I took a piece, ate it and it was good... and I'm now eyeing the container. She also brought flowers and this beautiful little round box with a handpainted lotus and OM on the outside... on the inside an amazing little tiny tiny, half pinkie sized, Ganesha and a pink healing heart stone. My side table is slowly becoming an altar to Ganesha, to healing in and of itself.

I think I've decided to buy an Espresso Maker. Half of me thinks I should go back to being non-caffeinated but the other part of me is stunned at the difference in my blood pressure that drinking caffeine has made. I found this Delonghi semi-automatic pump at Ebay for only $40 (regularly $129 or something) and I'm debating... go for it or not? Anyone know anything about espresso machines?

Tomorrow is going to be my first real trial socially. My best friend is having a birthday party for his little girl and, of course, my kids are dying to go. I know he'll make me a comfy, shaded spot to sit but I do have to say I'm nervous about being able to make it through a social event.

Almost two weeks post-op. Things are better... not great but better. In just a couple days I will get to meet the girl who had the surgery two weeks before me. It will be wonderful to meet her as she's been so supportive and amazing but also to compare stages. She told me the doctor told her she could go braless or regular bra while she's here... amazing... if I'm there in two more weeks (even feeling like I could go braless) I will be stunned.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:30 PM | Comments (2)

Post-Op Don'ts

1. Do not go and cut all of your hair off.

2. Do not watch incredibly emotionally draining movies when you haven't allowed yourself your own grieving process yet.

3. Do not take tags off the very expensive bras until you wear them for awhile and determine whether they actually fit these wierd things you have sitting on your chest.

4. Do make sure that when you approach someone in the store for assistance, they speak English and have an idea why you are raising only your forearm motioning to the top shelf, please get 2, please get 2.

5. Do not attempt to straighten your legs (i.e., stretch your hamstrings) while laying on your back, legs up in the air... you will be sorely disappointed when they don't easily straighten out after just a couple weeks.

-----------------------

Yesterday I got up in the morning, took a shower and actually got dressed in regular clothes. It wasn't until my best friend, D, wonderful man that he is, brought me my Starbucks fix that I realized "What the hell did I get dressed for... not like I'm going anywhere." I couldn't convince myself to change, afterall, I had an appointment to get my haircut at 4pm (it was only 9am).

I spent the day actually working. I did a lot of work actually which was good because I hadn't had the focus to do much work since I got out of the hospital and I really, really needed to catch up. When The Son came home from school I asked him to come to the store with me, I thought I could drive there but knew I couldn't fill the grocery cart. He did a wonderfully supportive job and the only comedy was when I tapped a lady on the back and asked if she could reach the Vitamin Water up on the top shelf that The Son was too short to reach... she thought I was insane. I explained that I had had surgery but realized after she didn't speak English.

I hemmed and hawed about my hair appointment all day. I knew I couldn't drive that far, the Coaster seemed like an all day event to plan. Tim's wife and daughter came and picked up The Daughter for some ceramic painting and fun in the late afternoon so it worked out that The Husband and Son could drive me. I really needed to cut my very, very long hair because I couldn't wash it in the shower... it was so heavy and thick and long... but I guess I wasn't prepared for actually cutting it. I hate it. Perhaps it is just too much change for me right now or the fact that I really liked having really long hair (though I nearly never wore it down so I suppose it doesn't really matter). As The Husband has said, I didn't cut it all off... It is to my shoulders but that's seriously short for me. It was nearly to my waist before. So I've been bummed since that I hate my hair.

The Son ended up having a sleep over so we decided to rent a movie (The Daughter goes to bed earlier). We rented Million Dollar Baby which I thought was a fight movie and wasn't that interested in... turns out that is a very emotionally draining movie and it might not have been such a great thing for me to watch. I didn't cry during the movie, but after, probably just being in such a sensitive place when I tried to lay down and find a position I thought I could sleep in I just started bawling. There are lots of difficult things about this recovery but one of the biggest is the fact that I can simply not find a way to get comfortable to lay down. I think a good portion is that the bra(s) all are tight around my ribs and rub against one of the incision points just too much and it hurts. The doctor does not want me to get looser bras because the bra is key to the shaping of the breast. I'll tell you what... when I get the okay to go braless, I may never wear one again.... that's how sick I am of these bras. They suck.

I tossed and turned all night... there was thunder and lightening outside (no, really) which was a trip. Every night I get this little coughing fit in my lungs. Believe me, coughing is not something you really really want to do post-surgery (sneezing either). This must be from the anesthesia working itself out.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:15 AM | Comments (3)

July 21, 2005

Happy Birthday Guruji

Today my thoughts have traveled to Mysore many, many times. Guruji is celebrating his birthday today, hundreds are with him, including my teacher and some friends and I imagine the energy and beauty of the occasion is something to feel and cherish in the depths of one's soul forever. So before I start my menial everyday drivel, Happiest of Birthdays Guruji. Thank you for your teachings. In the words of JMS, who said it best, thank you for teaching Tim Miller yoga. You have touched my life in ways I have yet to discover.

-----

Today was a long day. Sleep last night was fleeting... the exhaustion of closing my eyes to the fitfulness of being uncomfortable. The ache of wanting to sleep on my side was sometimes greater than the exhaustion. The frustration of just wanting the night to be over with, at times, more than I could bear. I've decided the largest problem is the bra. The bra is becoming the most essential and difficult part of my life. I just can't get it right. The doctor told me to get the same size bra as always since I am the same size (frankly, I think they are smaller and a few other people have said they seem smaller... which might be because they aren't shaped yet and still have to migrate in a bit)... but in the 36C bra, the ribcage feels constricted and horribly tight. I made The Husband (who is being much, much better since his doctor told him to shape up...funny it takes a doctor to tell him he needs to care for me right now) go to Nordstrom and get a larger bra, a 38C... I have that on now... and the ribcage feels great but now the cup size seems to have too much material. The problem with too much material is that a) I'm not being "pushed in" as much and b) the seams and extra material cause indentations in my skin which look, frankly, absolutely fucking frightening considering I'm trying to mold my breasts into perfect little beings after surgery. So, I still have no idea what to do about a bra. If I could drive, I could drive myself to Nordstrom in Fashion Valley and hope there was a girl in the bra department more informed about these issues who could help me... but I can't drive (which probably means I'm going to have to cancel my hair appointment too because it is at 4:15 downtown...though I am considering finding a way to take the Coaster). It's all about the bra and, right now, I'm so frustrated with bras I can't fathom it ever working it out.

Work came down on me today. I don't blame them. I need to get some work done and haven't. I suck. I don't have enough vacation to blow it off anymore but I also have no desire to work... none...

It's hot. No, it's better than New York but we don't have air conditioning which means the upstairs of our house gets quite heated during the day. It wouldn't be so bad downstairs except I have yet to find a way to get comfortable on our couch... it is too soft, has too much give and nowhere for me to push the laptop on and off me (on the bed I can push it with my foot off and on me -- this is a benefit of being a flexible yogini before going into this surgery thing).

My neighbor brought me the most beautiful arrangement of fragrant roses today. They are simply the most spectacular arrangement I've seen and she made it herself. She's my neighbor who has just been the most amazing inspiration to me through this... she is really "there" for me and we weren't that close before this so it's been truly an extension of love and honor to have her share this with. She's the first person who asked and I felt comfortable sharing the view of the breasts with. She said she was amazed at how normal they look. *shrug* They sure as hell don't look normal to me but I'm living it :)

Another yogi brought dinner tonight... quiche and bread and salad and some yummy cookies. I was able to hold a conversation last night with the girl who brought dinner but today has been grueling... I've been tired all day, had a 2 hour conference call at work and haven't been able to nap (I also am trying not to nap because I know it will make the nights worse). By the time she got here with dinner, just standing was difficult... so I didn't. Lest you worry, I am spending all day laying down just not sleeping. I have not even taken a walk today. I haven't opened a door.

I'm feeling a bit down and bleak today. The bra thing really has me down. I know its sorta silly but I feel like the bra is really what makes this recovery (and there is truth that it does) and I just can't get it right. Maybe The Husband can take me again tomorrow. It also isn't easy for me, the Virgo, to be at the mercy of everyone else. I'm not good at asking for help so being forced to is taking me out of my comfort zone... of course, this is a great opportunity to open myself to this as an experience to grow from...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:04 PM

July 20, 2005

Bras, Bras, Bras

What a difference a night of sleep can make. I feel much better today that I've had some sleep, I'm at home, I've seen my kids. The Husband was still being a careless asshole this morning but then he went to his surgeon who asked after me and then said "WHY are you HERE? Get home!" My sentiments exactly... I guess it took an MD to kick his ass in gear that he needs to actually take care of me.

I drove myself to Starbucks for my caffeine fix... this was before his dr. appt. and he "didn't have time" to get me coffee... driving was hard. Turning wasn't easy. Probably not something I should do tomorrow (but the caffeine fix does call :>).

After his dr. appt when he decided to actually help me, we took pictures of my boobs for the doctor. He took me to Nordstrom to buy bras... Unfortunately they wouldn't let him in the dressing room so I had to succumb to the "humbleness" (wording there) of letting the counter girl help me try them on. He also bought me a couple tshirts I can get off over the arms and I made him buy me some perfume (the new Sarah Jessica Parker scent).

My neighbor brought me lunch... unasked for... totally sweet. My hairdresser found me an appt for Friday night and the nanny said she'd see if she could take me to it. Another yogi brought me dinner tonight. I took a walk around the block and actually made it more than halfway before feeling winded and like I'd keel over. One of my teachers brought me some tea this morning (comfrey and nettle... healing).

I setup a private website for my dr. to view the recovery pictures... he said I looked great in my shots from today (believe me I don't think you guys would say the same thing ... very bruised and swollen still). I did get hit by The Son today..he felt horrible after...

AND we got a bunch of new bloggers at Ashtangi.NET thanks to the fact that I actually emailed all the people who had sent emails to blog@ashtangi.net back yesterday... and there should be lots more coming too. So go check out all the new blogs people! and comment, comment, comment :)

In yoga related news... after talking with Eileen Hall in OZ about recovery (if you don't know she's a certified teacher who had breast cancer), she told me that when she was recovering she'd close her eyes and breathe through the practice. Well, I tried that... do you know that I can't breathe in enough to even THINK of getting into Warrior pose? Yep, in my brain, by the time my lungs fill I'm only halfway into it!!! Think about that... I can't inhale deeply enough to MENTALLY get into a pose... pretty remarkable. I'm going to have to learn to breathe all over again.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:04 PM | Comments (5)

July 19, 2005

I'm a DORK I tell you... Ashtangi.NET Sufferings...

So, I'm home... it was a LOOOONNNGGG flight. It was a hard flight... really hard. The position was awkward, the site where the drains were was sore, the incision was rubbing... it sucked but here I am and the So. Cal. air feels so good and just being in my own space feels nice. I'm winded, tired and sore... I can't imagine having to get back to normal life right now but I guess that's why the yoga/neighbor dinner train is starting tonight... so I don't have to. Another yogi is bringing me dinner tonight, soup she said... I am so thankful... it brings tears to my eyes because, honestly, I don't think I could cook a frozen pizza (well, I know I can't because that's what I had for lunch and my nanny had to get it out of the freezer, cut it open etc).

So I get home and get an email from someone regarding Ashtangi.net that they've been emailing me for months. Three other times I've had people say that someone emailed me but I never got it... so I went investigating... the ENTIRE email address blog@ashtangi.net (the one linked from the "Get A Blog" link on the main page) was re-routed to the netherland instead of where it was supposed to go. I am so ashamed! Embarrasssed! I've just spent the last hour responding to the hundred or so emails from back to LAST OCTOBER that went unanswered... lots of people wanting to blog, to link... I'm frustrated because it has stunted ashtangi.net and I feel so bad that I could be such an idiot.

To all of you, I am so sorry... so sorry...

Now I'm off to nap for awhile...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:17 PM | Comments (4)

July 18, 2005

Freedom...

Freedom... freedom... well, sorta... Today has been a long day. I'm sitting here against the pillows, in the hotel, thanking everything holy that my feet are off the ground and I'm out of an upright position. I am tired. As tired as it gets, as worn out, weak and living a futile existence as it can be... but I have my drains out.

This morning the wonderful, heroic, absoultely fabuously self-less (marks in the book of karma for doing selfless, horrendous servitude to others), KJS aka Kathy (I'm so tired I can't even link to her blog but ya'all know who I'm talking about), picked my mom and I up and, first and foremost, I got to meet Gus. If that didn't make this trip to NY worthwhile, well, heck, what could (okay, other than removing all my breast tissue). Kathy drove up to the hospital where I got the pathology results... all clean. Interestingly enough, they did find some "small and large" cysts which is surprising since the mammogram showed nothing. They also found lots of fibryosis...all of this in the left breast. Interestingly enough, this type of thing is exactly how the changes in my mother's breasts started before suddenly all those cysts had cancerous growth in them. The other breast was perfectly normal. My nipples were clean. The doctor said there was nothing of concern in the report at all, it all looked good. Relief #1. While visiting Doctor #1 (oncologist and breast surgeon), he examined my drains... said I wasn't draining much, did some milking of the drains, said my breasts looked great -- the discoloration, continued bumpiness to be expected. Released me with a "tell your oncologist to call me if she needs to otherwise, you're good to go -- no mammograms, yearly checks by your doctor." We had some time to kill after that so we grabbed lunch then Kathy dropped us off at the plastic surgeon's office. We waited an hour... during that hour I thought I would die. I was so tired. At this point, this was the longest outing I had made and I was about to keel over. Seriously, the floor looking inviting and if I had thought I could get back up from the floor, I'd have gone for a nap right then and there. Finally the plastic surgeon came in.. he looked at my drains and shook his head, I burst into tears. He milked the drains more, sent my mom in, said he wanted to see what they did in 10 minutes. I lay on the table considering the options... to be frank, I didn't think there was anyway in hell I could fly with those things in. Not only would I be completely uncomfortable and near death by the time I got there but, honestly, I didn't think I could go through the mental anguish of explaining the 4 grenades hanging off me to security. He popped his head back in at one point to which I mumbled that I had forgotten to mention that Doctor #1 had not DRAINED the drains, he had only milked them. Apparently, this difference in the amount of output made a difference for he came back a short time later and announced he would remove them. I said "We need to do what is right, if we should leave them, leave them." He took them out. BOY OH BOY... let me tell you.. the most pain I've had from this procedure was when he took those drains out. On the first side, the side that is looking good and is less uncomfortable than the first, he told me to take big breath ("You do yoga, you should be good at these big breaths") and he yanked the first one... okay, not so bad... I want these things out so bad, it's okay.. the second one.. okay, not so bad... oh boy, then he moved to the other side. I'm not sure the pain of that removal was comparable to childbirth but the experience was something short of a small labor... those things are like mesh things that cover your boob and they come out a tiny little hole.. and it was NOT pleasant...but it was out and that's what mattered. Near instant difference in my ability to feel human (if you've never seen drains, they are tubes that come out of your body and drain into these big grenade looking plastic containers...they literally hang off of you making you appear to be a big science experiement. I told my mom that she should invent some way to make those just *this* much better and she'd be a millionaire).

We then got to talking about what I can and cannot do. I basically, at least for awhile, cannot do anything. The drains came out early in his opinion so my job is to do as little as possible for awhile. I can wear a very supported swimsuit for short periods of time, I can change into a more comfortable bra (I'm going to need help doing this -- Nordstrom bra shopping.. Kiran this may be your job :>) but must find one that gives LOTS AND LOTS of shape (because my one side isn't shaping so well, the other looks awesome) and also pushes in from the side to produce lots of cleavage (read so your boobs don't sit a mile apart when this whole thing is done). I am not to use my pects for anything... We then got to talking about yoga. I showed him pictures of me in Supta K, Mari D and a backbend. I asked if I'd ever do them again.. he said he didn't see why not... absolutely.. just with time and patience, I will have full range of motion back and full strength... just not now... and not in 4 weeks... and maybe not in 8 weeks.

The last thing the doctor told me was that I looked pale, very pale and that he was quite positive my blood counts were probably very low... eat... breathe he said... Truth be told, for me, I have been eating fairly normal although I haven't had an appetite... I've basically forced myself to eat and I have... but I haven't been what I would call hungry... not even for chocolate (though I did bring and some of one of the bar the wonderful Belgian Eva sent).

After getting back to the hotel (Kathy took us on a lovely scenic drive through the park and down 5th), I showered. Okay, it wasn't as orgasmic as I would have thought.. hotel showers always suck, in my opinion... but it was a shower. I haven't had a shower in 8 days... 8 days. I finally feel, well, clean. We then stepped out of the hotel to eat and that clean feeling went somewhere other than on my body but, eh, I felt it momentarily.

So, we went for a steak... the first time we ate out since we've been here. It took forever to get seated but not too long for the big slab of meat to arrive. I had half a glass of wine (whoohoo :>) and waited for the meat to infuse me with something... it didn't. I'm tired... today was a long day.

My flight tomorrow is at 8am. Ms. Kathy is again being the saint and picking us up at 5:30 before she practices. Sadly, Gus, won't be with her :( I can't wait to get home.. I want my own bed, my own shower, my own environment. I want some peace... I want my kids... I want to sit outside and not sweat like I've just walked into AYC after the Thursday Improv class.. EWWWW!!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:17 PM | Comments (5)

July 17, 2005

WAH! Lullabies

Yesterday was simply a draining day. Who knew that one could go from being able to practice two hours a day, sweating, exerting yourself, feeling amazing to feeling like you can barely walk to the end of the block without gasping for air. It's a huge knock on the ego's door to remember that health is tentative and not to be taken for granted. I spent most of the day in bed... feeling sorry for myself to be quite frank. I feel very alone in this. My mom is here but it's different. My husband is being his usual less-than-emotionally-supportive self. The hard times, when I'm feeling really sorry for myself, scared and frustrated seem to happen in my own brain... the story of my life. I think this experience has only reinforced my karmic-idea that one of my lessons in this lifetime is to embrace my solitude or, rather, the fact that, in the end, we are all alone.

We walked to Grand Central Station in the morning, spent the rest of the day in bed, walked to the bookstore and Chipolte for my afternoon walked. I had convinced myself that spending the day watching TV would be a nice relaxing experience. TV sucks... It's no wonder I don't watch TV. There is nothing of value in TV... and by value I mean mindless entertainment value. Let's see... I've watched Celebrity Fat Camp, Brat Camp, Sports Moms & Dads... I did find Bride & Prejudice on the movie list and watched that..the one moment of fun... but at $13 a movie, can't be doing that everyday. I've read every magazine woth it's salt in mindlessness -- Glamour, InStyle, Orpah, Cosmo... It's a really tough task to fill 6 long ass days with nothing! Kids, don't try this at home. I should have brought The Son's Gameboy... now that would have been a smart idea.

Last night I wondered how long until I can do a forward bend... how much I can back off invovling my chest in that forward bend. Next time you do one, stop and feel just how much you involve your upper body in the forward stretch, reaching out over your legs, using your pects to keep your grip in your bind. I think it is going to be awhile. I've been sitting in Virasana everyday... and lotus. I've been putting my knees out into baddha konasana position to sleep a lot. I've finally found my bandhas for getting out of bed... I'm practicing engaging only to the mid-ab so that I'm not stretching the incisions under the breast fold.

Two more nights here (everyone please pray that happens). I think I will feel better when I get home and can at least sit outside in the nice warm California sunshine (the weather here SUCKS), go for a walk without feeling like I'm in a sauna... and, pray to Ganesh, get these drains out before then.

The wonderful Kiran has setup a dinner train and my street has tagged on to the end. Fortunately, The Husband does all the laundry and vacuming because, honestly, I don't know how I could cook or clean... I can barely open doors (and all these roundabout doors in NY are a bitch). I think the plane ride is going to be a challenge but, after that, I think things will move faster... at least in my mind.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:32 AM | Comments (5)

July 15, 2005

Come Out Come Out Wherever You Are

I can't seem to find my yoga. In times past when I've had voluntary or involuntary times of non-asana practice, finding my center, peace, mindfulness and spirit was never difficult. I can't seem to find by uddhiyana bandha nor my self right now. My life seems like a mass of fear and discomfort. I'm still not in any pain, per se. It's not like the pain of childbirth or the pain of a tattoo or the pain of someone punching you but I'm uncomfortable. My boobs hurt, the drains are horrible..HORRIBLE.. the drains are by far the worst part of this experience. In fact, I'd say this experience was easier than childbirth if it weren't for these drains. The drains make this experience... mhmm... not hellacious but damned near fire and brimstone. I have never been so happy to see the slight yellow tinge to red as I was this afternoon to discover that one of my drains is, in fact, yellow tinged instead of just red (this means that the drainage is slowly changing to yellow and when they change I can get them out).

My nights are spent sleepless... fitful... uncomfortable. Try this position, that position (mind you all these positions are mere millimeter variances of each other)... wish I could roll to one side or the other... consider how much energy it would take to actually get up and pee... whether I should take the Vicodin just to sleep more. I actually spent more time sleeping last night than in the previous nights. Up every few hours but at least able, with the help of Melatonin and Vicodin, to get back to sleep a couple times.

I stayed in bed awhile this morning... I can't even focus enough to read (and I found the perfect book right before I got to the hospital, Climbing Chamundi Hill)... I've tried convincing myself that it is luxury to simply lay in bed and watch mindless TV... only there isn't anything mindless enough on to watch :) I finally got up and washed up (a sad impersonation of a shower... the one thing I think would make life more bearable right now) and my mom and I walked a couple blocks to get my hair washed. It was the first time I had to face trying to explain my situation... why I couldn't get down in the seat all the way, etc. I finally gave up and just said I had breast cancer surgery. This led them to believe I had cancer but, eh, I just couldn't figure out a way to explain the whole sordid tale. After the hair washing (which felt oh so good), we walked about 12 blocks to FAO Schwartz to pick something up for the kids. It felt good to get out and about but about 10 minutes after getting there, that was it, I was done... and I was still 12 blocks or so from the hotel. I had overdone it but was fortunate enough to find a cab very quickly and then get straight back to my bed.

The staff here at the W has been warm and kind. The housekeeping staff in particular have become protective of me. Lucia came by later to see me and they told her she couldn't knock on my door :) With the few hours of rest between FAO Schwartz and Lucia's arrival I psyched myself into Bloomgingdales. I really didn't pack appropriately and I only have like one thing that is working right now. So Lucia babysat me the 10 blocks down to Bloomingdales... I bought the cutest pants (yes I realize that was not what I was shopping for) and I did pick up two shirts but have no idea if they are going to work. The bottom line is that these drains are so huge and so clunky that I don't think there is a way to hide them. I am going to look like a suicide bomber whether I like it or not. After Bloomies I was done again... I seem to just hit a wall and it's like BAM, thanks, you're done...go rest now. I did manage to squeak out The Body Shop to get some body spray (my GOD do I need body spray) and a nail file. I've now sent Lucia out to find me some food. I think she's seen more of this procedure than she ever wanted... but I had to get changed and then I got stuck in one of the shirts in the dressing room and had to call for help getting out of it.

I really had visions of being calm and centered and peaceful and accepting of this recovery process but I'm none of those things. I feel chaotic, scared (the boobs really are misshapen, bruised and sore.. and boy are they hard... and it's hard to believe they are ever going to look right), tired... frustrated... bored... terribly sad... I haven't been able to meditate though I have the last line of the closing mantra stuck in my head for some reason. I guess that's as close to it as I'm gonna get for now and accepting that is also key.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:38 PM | Comments (7)

July 14, 2005

I'm Not A Terrorist

It was a rough night. I'm dealing with jet lag ontop of recovery so it has been tough to sleep. I was essentially up most of the night. When I woke up I overdid it. My mom tried to wash my hair in the over-sized sink here at the W... bad, bad move. I forgot to bring a good brush, my hair is so heavy when it is wet... it took me a long time to get the knots out. I managed to shave my calves in the bathtub, put some jeans on and cover all the tubes/drains with my Ashtanga Yoga World Tour sweatshirt... only to walk outside and feel like I was going to die in the NYC heat and humidity. My mom and I got to Rockerfeller Center and I had to dive in to JCrew and buy a shirt, explain to the lady that I needed to change and come out looking like I was packing under the shirt I bought.

We walked a bit more and then I was just done. We pitstopped in St. Patrick's Cathedral so my mom could check it out and then made the short but what felt like forever trek back to the W. As I was walking into the hotel a woman was staring at me. She clearly thought I was hiding something dangerous under my shirt. Honestly it does look that way but when she wouldn't stop staring me down, I just wanted to yell at her. I think I overdid it.

My next task is to find a new bra for compression... my doctor prefers this Donna Karan sport cup bra they have at Nordstroms. I suppose I'll have to go down to Saks which is around the corner and look there... not something I'm looking forward to... can you even imagine the security guards at Sax *sigh*

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:34 AM | Comments (7)

July 13, 2005

Some Trees I See

Hello everyone... I'm here! I can't thank you all enough for the loving emails and phone calls and general spirit and strength that I've felt coming my way for the past few days. It has really, really helped. It's been... an experience.

The flight out was decent.. I'm not sure that the word was denial but I just generally did not focus on what was happening. We ended up getting to NY a bit late, getting the car and getting stuck in a horrendous traffic jam which caused a 40 minute drive to turn into a 3 hour drive. We got to the hotel at 10pm and since I only had a couple hours of liberty for food left, ordered room service. Getting up for surgery was a bit surreal. We got to the hospital, did all the pre-op stuff and I just sorta tuned out.... trying to breathe. I cried only when they wheeled me away from my mom and into the OR itself. My plastic surgeon was there, he's the sweetest man on the planet. He held my face, told me I was going to be fine.... he said "My only fear with you is your yoga." So he asked me how long I had given myself (notice he did not tell me)... I told him 8 weeks. He looked at me with a fatherly look of "We'll see." He said I could do some light stretching not involving pects before then and we'll just see how things go with the rest. That's basically the last think I remember before waking up to him in the recovery room. The surgery took 3 hours or so (started at 1pm, I was in recovery by 5ish). I was surprised to wake up and not feel an inordinate amount of pain. My chest felt heavy. Being in the hospital sucked. They set me up in a shared room at first and it was unbearable. I begged with my breast doctor for a private room and he somehow arranged it before the night was over.

Some really wonderfully insightful things happened. At this point I had not had any drugs (i.e., narcotics)... I wasn't sleeping well and I kept thinking to myself "Geez, I wish I had brought the little Ganesh I have on my altar to put in the room." A nurse came in and we got to talking, turns out she was Hindu, a white woman who married an Indian man, traveled India and embraced her in-laws customs. We ended up having a nice conversation about Mysore and Kerala (where her husband is from). She told me when she left for the night that she'd request the other Indian nurse on duty to come and care for me. Well, she came in to help me and I thought she was removing my IV (which is probably one of the worst things for me through this whole thing) and I yelled at her. With her Indian accent she says "I know what I am doing... relax and breathe." The next morning Lucia came to visit... bringing me the most lovely little wooden Ganesh. It was perfect. I don't know how the spirit moved within this world that she would bring me that but it was so perfect I could have cried.

She also brought me FOOD and boy did I need it. You wouldn't believe what the hospital served me. When I refused to eat it they brought the dietician in to speak with me. I explained my dietary preferences, she wrote down to feed my vegan... so they brought me turkey with mashed potatoes and milk... HAHAHAHA. Lucia, however, brought me some lovely organic chicken, salad and fruit plus my Vitamin Water. I pigged out.

The hardest part, so far, has been getting up from a fully reclining position... I can't seem to find my bandhas...they have gone missing with my breasts. I'm good in any other position. My plastic surgeon keeps saying "Where is this yoga I keep hearing about!?!!" In the night when I needed help, it took a long time for the nursing staff to assist me and with the IV running I swear I had to pee every freakin' 10 minutes. The initial getting up is very hard, the pressure is intense but then evens out. I only have pain and it's mostly just discomfort on the right breast where the incision is... it feels like it is pulling. I still have my 4 drains in..they aren't so lovely and they are annoying where they are in my breasts.

Last night in the hospital SUCKED. I finally asked for a sleeping pill and they gave me Ambien. I will never take such a thing again. It worked... too well. I was so drugged up I couldn't even open my eyes for like 14 hours. I asked to be discharged this morning and my doctors said okay. So, I am now at the W New York for the next 6 days. My mom and I each have our own room which is nice (she got a nice government rate here, an amazing one actually). It felt nice to brush my hair but I can't take a shower and that SUCKS, I smell HORRID and I don't look too beautiful. I am going to get my hair washed at a salon tomorrow but no shower until probably Monday (EGADS).

This post is hugely disjointed because I've been going back and forth talking to family and friends. To my SF Friends, THANK YOU so much for your thoughtful flowers... The Husband has taken a picture and sent it to me... you are so freakin' sweet (sorry about the tattoo but you should really come have Dave do it :>).

All in all I am doing really well. Surprisingly little pain just a lot of pressure in the chest making it difficult to breathe really deeply, I smell gross, the drains are uncomfortable and I have a bit of pull on one incision. The doctor removed 380ccs of breasts and the implant is 400ccs so they are basically the same. I am not bandaged up, I've seen them. They are bruised and bumpy right now but that's to be expected. I am surprisingly better than I expected but this is no walk in the park... I'm sore... and I'm tired... and yoga is a distant thought to just getting up and walking around. KJS - I need to call you, I just haven't been able to figure it out yet :) I will need to go back to Tarrytown to see both my doctors on Monday but on Tuesday my mom will be staying to get me to the hospital so we can take a cab.

I will stop rambling to space now... thank you all for your thoughts. I know the light and love that you have all sent me really made a difference. Til later...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:44 PM | Comments (13)

July 9, 2005

Going Out With A Bang

This morning I got up and went to practice with one of my favorite non-Tim teachers at our health club. The class is not a traditional first series class but she generally sticks to ashtanga. What a fantastic class it was this morning. Whereas yesterday was so bittersweet and emotional, today was all about power. She asked me if I had any special requests since she knew it was officially the last practice. I requested Pasasana and Supta Kurmasana with Dwi Pada before. We did a take on Surya Namaskara C after sun salutations except that this take was more about arm balances. We did bakasana and twisting bakasana and a couple other things. Then we did some really good twists including Marichyasana F and Purna Matsyendrasana which is really freakin hard. The class just rocked... I held my Bakasana for the full 5 breaths without problem... I did both twisting versions (using my elbow in my hip) and towards the end we did Koundinyasana and I did it! I couldn't believe it. My jump throughs today were silent all the way start to finish. More silent than I've ever not heard them. Even jumping to my feet was whisper silent like JMS or Tara's -- incredible. Everything in my body just came together with one big rush of power and released itself. It was perfect.

And, now, I'm officially turning off the computer (though I'll have my laptop) and driving to my mom's.

Til later down the road.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:50 PM | Comments (1)

July 8, 2005

Down The Road

I slept really well last night (though I had really freakin' wierd dreams about people I'm very close to in life). Up before the alarm this morning. The knowledge that today was my last practice was bottled up inside me.... on the way to practice I listened to Sita Ram then switched to God Is Real (my favorite Krishna Das song). I didn't realize how loud I had the music in an effort to drown out the hysteria in my soul until I pulled into a parking spot and turned off the engine of my car... I was trying to time my entrance so that I wouldn't run into Kiran... not seeing her car I got out and walked... only then realizing that she's driving a borrower car from the dealership and she was standing right there. I was quite proud of myself that I didn't shed one tear... not even when, bless her beautiful soul, she gave me this lovely Blue Tattoo sweatsuit to nurse myself in after surgery.

My first tears were shed when the lovely TaraIsAGoddess came and sat next to me while we waited for Pranayama to be over with. She just put her hand on my back and sat there with me but it was overwhelming... I felt a huge wave of strength from her... but more than I could handle at the moment I guess. I just really wanted to curl up into someone's embrace and lay there for a few minutes (sadly I'm much too large a lady to ever get that "motherly embrace" anymore :>). Practice was crowded today. It was a lovely energy, lots of good shakti, mats were inches from each other. I was surprised at how open I felt as soon as I started. Actually I had a wonderful practice... it wasn't until Mari B that my emotional state caught up to me... and it isn't really a surprise, that's my release pose. I stayed on the first side about 10 breaths but the second side was when the tears started and I stayed there for awhile before pulling myself together. The second half of first series was somewhat discombobulated for me... halfway present, halfway not.

Then we got to backbends. I cried through the entire set of backbends and I think I did more than usual. Tim came over after my first backbend. I had my eyes clenched shut in an effort to suppress the tears. He touched my feet so I opened my eyes, he asked "How many?" I said "One!" He said "ONE?!" I said "Yea, I've got a long way to go." I think he just didn't want me to sit there and stew in my tears... I did some more... crying through the backbends even though they felt lovely... I lost count... Tim came back "How many?" I said "I don't know, I've now lost count but I think I have two more." He left again. I cried silently some more... did a few more backbends before he came back. He helped me up but I couldn't look at him so I kept my eyes down. My assisted dropbacks were not beautiful today, too much tension in my heart. On the last one I usually look up at him to see how my performance has been ;) Today I just kept my eyes down... For the first time ever, Paschimottanasana after backbends felt lovely. I shed tears through my closing sequence... I tried to decipher what was behind the tears... I didn't necessarily feel like I was crying over my yoga practice, or the loss of it coming up... I felt a deep sense of mourning for my body, my breasts.. but there is mostly fear. I'm scared. I feel like a little child afraid of the dark. I guess darkness is really what it is... I have no idea what the expect, what I will look or feel like, what the surgery is going to be like. It's like walking into a dark closet knowing you can't turn on the light just yet.

Before Savasana Kiran came over to say goodbye. She's the only person I feel like I can just lay my head on her shoulder and sob... she knows this mourning and this pain probably more so than I do. Kiran, you are the rock that is getting me through this, you are the breath within my strength to go through with this decision and you are the light that gives me hope for the other side.

I lay in savasana for longer than I usually do. I just didn't want to walk out the door. I didn't want to say goodbye to "my place." I rolled up my mat thinking "well, this is the last time I'll be rolling it up for awhile, better roll it right so the edges don't get all tweaked." I gathered my things and gave Tim a hug. He said "See you down the road" as I left.

In the car, Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Green Day) came on... and I realized that this road, this journey, is the right path (as if I didn't realize that before) and that it will all work out but the fear is real and the fear is okay and the fear is part of the journey and the path and the road... and I'll still be me whether I can do pasasana again or not.

I've finally made all my arrangements.. the lovely Lucia's husband is going to pick my mom and I up at the hospital and take us into the city. KJS is going to take me to my follow-up and the airport... I finally made the rest of my hotel reservations, the rental car... now to pack, print out all the various confirmations, get some pictures of the kids and find some time to meditate on the new road ahead of me.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:04 AM | Comments (8)

July 7, 2005

KJS Is An Angel

So, I finally got off my ass and made my hotel reservations for the last 3 nights. I can't believe how expensive hotels are in the city at this point... fortunately, my mom is a government employee so for her last night in the city we are going to move to the W New York where she can check me in for a mere $177 per night. I'll love the W but she'll probably hate it :) (plus we'll have to share a Queen bed since that was all they had). I must have searched hundreds of websites for government or cheap rates and that's the cheapest I could find (for something 3 stars or more in the city). I still haven't arranged the rental car (I have to figure out how I'm getting from the hospital to the city first) but, heck, only one thing left to do (aside from the fact that I've lost my plane confirmation number!).

The Kathy has taken pity on my poor excuse for arranging my own travel and has offered to take me to Tarrytown for my follow-up and get me to the airport in one piece... I realized a short bit ago that, in light of her recent postings, I hope this means I'm not going on the back of the scooter! :-0

My stomach is upset and I'm anxious... nope, I'm basically in freak out mode now. But its good... I'm good.. this is going to be good... good... breathe...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:27 PM | Comments (4)

Completely Distracted

I actually got some sleep last night... I only woke up once with stress. I still haven't made any additional reservations... I, at the very least, should probably rent a car for my mom before today is over. Kiran is not going to be able to go to NY with me so I'm debating whether I should try and take my nanny (an effort to which The Husband is completely opposed... likely for monetary reasons, the ass). My mother also told me if I appear to need help, she'll just stay. Of course, I don't even have a hotel for those last few nights, I better get on that too.

Practice this morning was nice and hot but I was somewhat distracted... Mental Monkey-ness really. I had a good practice, just sorta not really very centered. Supta Kurmasana sucked today. I have no idea why. Tim gave me some nice adjustments... I hadn't had my adjustment to standing splits in a long time so that was very nice. I had a wierd adjustment in Baddha K... as I came up from it he was walking next to me and shrugged... so I went to go to B and he came for the adjustment so I went back to A. When my head got to the floor, he grunted a sorta "mhmm that wasn't needed" grunt (I think, one never knows about the grunts) and got up and left. I enjoyed my backbends again today... when I came up from the last one with Tim's help he said "Very good! You are finding your lower chakras." I guess I should be elated to end with a very good :)

Today I've received a few emails from various people wishing me well. It is so nice to feel the support coming from so many people. A guy at practice that I speak to occasionally emailed me with his support, how wonderful to feel that sorta light. A girl I used to practice with before I started Mysore emailed me asking me to dinner tomorrow night. Don Livingston, fellow blogger, emailed me... long lost friends emailed... It really feels great because I'm not getting much in the way emotional support from The Husband (as if I expected it though). So thank you all of you for your support and well wishes... they are much appreciated. KJS -- I went and bought your book recommendation today -- big book, should get me through the flight at least ;)

Now off to deal with the latest family crisis involving my niece... in a wierd scary psychic twist, the flower reader may just have been right about something I wish he wasn't right about.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:10 PM | Comments (1)

Bathing Suit Blues

Yesterday afternoon I went to the pool with the kids. I had on a bikini... always a "deal" for me since my body image isn't exactly wonderful. I love my upper body... my lower body is drastically out of shape but I believe it always will be, it's how I'm built. I was in the water for awhile but once I was comfortable that Tim's daughter was okay, I sat on the edge. The man next to me (quite a hunky man actually, with two kids swimming by my 3) kept looking at me. I wasn't sure why he was looking at me -- the tattoos (not generally seen at my private health club)? my fat ass? the fact that my boobs were hanging out of my top? I don't normally "show off" the breasts much but I bought this top awhile back for Tulum that is definitely a breast top.... depending on the stage of my cycle it can be more revealing or less... I happen to be entering the larger stage of my cycle so it was a little more revealing. He eventually left and as I sat there pondering I just welled up. I'm living the last few days with breasts.... the last few days with breasts! It was really freaky. A neighbor was sitting behind me and she came over and wished me luck... I told her perhaps sitting in a bikini wasn't the smartest idea... she told me some good advice... you're going to do it, you aren't NOT going to do it so be happy with it. The thing is I am happy about it, you all know how much I stressed over the insurance... I am happy... I'm just slightly freaked out. Well, maybe a lot freaked out I guess.

After we went to Jimbos where the kids picked out Sundrops for a special treat and drove back to Tim's house... which took forever. Whatever was going on yesterday? The freeway was a nightmare and when we got to Tim's, one of his students (who has an amazing practice, I think he does 4th series) was there waiting only we were so late, he barely got to see L. I felt bad. Then my kids and I sat on the freeway, no kidding, a half hour to go ONE exit. So I stopped and bought a book of Rumi and Hafiz for my trip as well as the WAH! Savasana CD since iTunes didn't have it. I figured it would be good meditation music. I really, really have to find a good engrossing novel -- anyone with ideas? I picked up Freakonomics the other day... that should be good plane material. I still have London but haven't decided if that will be too long or if it is good at all.

Now I'm off to a much needed practice... perhaps some time on the mat will help clear my mind enough that I can engage it to activate.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:46 AM | Comments (5)

July 6, 2005

Stressful, Fitful, Sleepless

I was so tired yesterday all day... I couldn't tell if I still felt sick, was simply stressed or just rundown so I skipped my usual night-before-moon-day glass(es) of wine, skipped eating anything sugar, took some Melatonin at 9:30 and passed out. I don't even remember The Husband coming to bed but apparently he ironed, trotted around, did his physical therapy all while I lay passed out. I woke up sometime in the middle of the night in a slight state of panic and nothing I could do calmed my brain down. I'm stressing over logistics for this trip. The only things I've managed to iron out are the flight to get there, the hotel room for the night we get there and the hotel for my mom while I'm in the hospital. Other than that I still have to figure out how to get from the hospital into the city (for sure neither of us are driving and I won't be in a state to take the train), where to stay after my mom leaves (and if Kiran/H are coming so I make reservations for them too), how to get to the airport if I'm by myself, how to get back to Tarrytown on Monday for my follow-up appointment, etc. I'm completely stressed and I'm a horrid travel agent. I spent a few hours laying in bed telling myself it would all be alright, I'll figure it out... but I never really got back to sleep until right before The Husband got up at 6am, then The Nanny called at 7am, the children had to be at school at 8 and 9am.... and, of course, that frustrating thing called a job.

I went to Starbucks for a pick-me-up (aka caffeine jolt) and as I was walking in I thought "Mhmmm... just a few more days of having breasts." When this thought goes through my brain I then use the nice con-job of "But, they are going to be perky when I'm done!" It better be true that I can wear all those nice strappy shirts without a bra when I'm done; otherwise the whole con-job I've done on myself will unravel.

This afternoon I'm taking the kids and Tim's daughter to the pool for the afternoon... a nice distraction from actually making travel arrangements :) I mean, why start now when I can put it off even longer?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:40 AM | Comments (4)

July 5, 2005

The Power of Love

Yesterday, the Fourth of July, I got up early for the 7am Mysore practice. Having had such a wonderful, energetic and completely immersed practiced the day before, I was a complete wreck on Monday. Of course, I was practicing next to the ever so silent and amazing Jason so my thudding and scrambling was infinitely noticeable to me. It must have been something in the air though because a few people were noticeably struggling in places they don't normally struggle.

We took the kids to a pool party all afternoon yesterday... sun... swim... lots of food... wine.... then raced home for our own family BBQ. My father just bought this new hot rod car... a 65 something or other, all tricked out for racing, 400 horses, headers, etc. Since we had accidently left the bathing suits at the first party, I used the excuse to try out the car. It's a loud car. The steering wheel squeaks but other than that the car is totally tricked out. Everytime it switched into second gear it did this big jerk... eventually my father told me that I was babying the car so when we got on the freeway to come back home I put the metal down and lo and behold, those 400 horses have some kick to them!!!! All was well and good until I realized how fast I was going and said that I should slow down as there would be a lot of cops out... as soon as I said it, I looked in the rear view and see a motorcycle cop coming up behind me... fast... down an on-ramp. We were both fairly certain, given the car, the noise and the speed he was coming for me... I said "Well, we'll just tell him I was trying to figure this car out." When suddenly, the cop, who was literally ON my tail at this point, swerved around me and nailed this Mercedes that had just passed me, clearly clueless the cop was there. No dumb cop... and lucky for me.

After our own little BBQ (read more food but only one glass of wine) we went up to the cliffs overlooking the Del Mar Fair and waited for the fireworks. It's a pretty popular spot amongst the locals and this year was no exception. We got a great lookout point though... but 9pm is pushing it for a 4 year old and we didn't end up in bed until midnight. WAY late for me.

So it was no surprise that our whole household slept in a bit late today... except me. My 3rd to last practice so I was up on time to take my thyroid meds, eat my yogurt and get the kids ready for school (The Son started summer camp today. When I pulled into the parking lot for practice, the 7am class was already shuffling out... 15 minutes early. I asked one of the girls and she said that in honor of tomorrow's moon they had taken it easy only doing vinyasa between poses. No such leeway for Mysore practice :) Today wasn't as bad as yesterday though I still felt heavy. My biceps felt sore and tender for some reason I still haven't figured out. Though I was next to JMS again today I felt some wierd energy from the other side of me which distracted me a bit. I didn't get a single adjustment today... not a one... noticeably odd for me but also sorta groovy, I was just doing my own thing. So practice was pretty good, not great, not extra groovy but good. I got to backbends (I've been doing Ustrasana twice and taking my time then jumping through to setu bandhasana without making eye contact with Tim :> that's my strategy at the moment :>) -- my backbends felt awesome again today. I really enjoyed them. Tim came by thinking I was done and I even told him to go away so I could do two more. I've decided this is the power of thought... positivity... I KNOW I've only got 12 backbends left to do so savor them, remember them... and I appear to be doing just that. Force of the hand I guess... When Tim came to help me to standing he did something different... he put his finger into my sacrum and pushed, nothing else. I knew he wanted me to try and get up but I wasn't sure how to go about it, I tried once then he put a bit more pressure and I came up... he only had this hand there so it seemed like it was a lot more of my effort. When I stood up I said "That was a new way." He just grunted. Dropbacks were good and then he did the same thing on the way up from the assisted dropbacks. I wonder how long it will take me to get that front stretch again now that I actually really like it.

Today I noticed a bunch of people doing wierd sequences. A lot of people were doing Eka Pada Raja Kaptoasana. Some did it early in second, some did it after assisted dropbacks. I saw one person do Vishwamitrasana before Kapotanasana. I always wonder how people learn to do these, what I guess they are considering research poses. Tim doesn't teach research poses and I guess I don't study enough because I don't know which research poses are for which poses :)

When I got home I spent a half hour on the phone with the hospital doing the pre-op interview. It's all becoming a bit real.. I'm a bit anxious... This time next week I won't have real breasts anymore. Wierd. With tomorrow being a moon day, no practice. Maybe I'll do some stretching anyway...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:59 AM | Comments (7)

July 3, 2005

Sunday Sauna

This morning I realized how different I feel now that The Daughter is sleeping on her own. It's remarkable how our bodies learn to live with the pain and agony we inflict... the pain of sleep deprivation amongst the torture devices. I've discovered now that I'm consistently getting 8 hours of sleep I no longer feel drugged when I wake up, I can get up at 7 and feel good everyday...

I went to practice this morning. My third week at a led class, pretty soon it'll be a regular thing :) I was happy to see that OKRGR was assisting again today because I knew that would mean a couple good adjustments for me. When we first started I made a mental note that I wasn't getting very sweaty during sun salutations. I wondered why. We did the regular amount and everyone else looked like they were sweating. It just now hit me as I typed this that I should have connected the fact that my thyroid is seriously off (10.5 which is way, way high when 5.5 is the cut off for normal) and that's probably why I wasn't sweating much at first. The second downward dog one of the teacher trainees came by... tried to force my elbows into a more "normal" position... first went for the elbows, I resisted, then he went for my shoulders by trying to force them. Note to all teachers, if a student resists your first attempt at modifying their body form, it might be a good idea to just leave it. When the count of 5 was up, he left... but he came back the next downward dog. A friend suggested his tactic is to tell the adjuster that he has an injury, which I would do in any other posture... but, in this case, I think it is important for a beginning teacher to understand that hyperextension of the elbows means your downward dogs DO look funny. I stopped and said "My elbows hyperextend and no they don't turn that direction." He sorta mumbled and told me my right shoulder was raised which I can correct on my own... its because of the difference in the hyperextension of my elbows... one is much more severe than the other which causes my downward dogs to be uneven. Tim and Rich have been consistently making me take not of this lately so it was a good reminder to make that adjustment after I get into downward dog. I was surprised to find in my standing poses that I felt really open today. I had thought I would be a little locked up after the wine and cake on Friday night. The first few jump throughs were shocking to me.. why? They were silent. Now I've achieved silent jump throughs before but I often wonder if it's just too noisy for me to notice... but OKRGR came walking by on the third or fourth one and said "Silent!" to me.... I smiled... I was happy it was silent enough to cause notice (I know, I know, bad yogi, attached to the physical asana...but honestly its hard to write about the other part so I really only write about the lucid moments of physical activity I have in the practice.... note we've moved from sun salutations all the way to jump throughs :>). OKRGR then gave me a killer adjustment in Janu Shirasana A... a pose I rarely get touched in... my head was on my shin but he pushed my bent leg down and started to go forward, I indicated to him with my hand to "bring on some more" and he let all his weight go... it was LOVELY... so very lovely. One of the best adjustments I've had in awhile. I maintained those silent jump throughs all the way to Supta Padagustasana today...where I apparently lost some steam.

It was hot in there today... I think, by the middle of practice, I was sweating more than I have ever sweated in there before (and it wasn't nearly as crowded as last week). I had this really lovely centered practice today... There were some, ahem, male versions of eye candy in the room today and I never ever once looked at them. My drishte was completely intact and I was really in my zone. The only time I really came out of it was for Baddha Konasana... I looked around the room for OKRGR but couldn't get his attention... I was prepared to beg for the adjustment... instead I managed to go all the way forward, though not as extended, on my own. In B, OKRGR came over and began to give me some leverage... I decided to do a bit of A again so that I could get a bit more extension. I probably should have told him or indicated that I was going to do this.

My backbends felt awesome today. I don't necessarily think they were beautiful but they felt good. I relished them. Wierd, I know... but I kept thinking (bad lady) "This is one of the last backbends you'll be doing for awhile, love it... find the joy in it." That seemed to work. One of the teacher trainees came by to help me to standing... He only pushed on my lower thighs... a slight push in and he held the strength there. That adjustment really helps me feel how to get up. Someday...

My headstands are better... the fact that I can't get this anniversary band off still hinders it... but I can hold the headstand for the full 25 breaths now... I just can't do ardha if I hold it up that long... partly because my ring is about to sever my fingers and partly because my shoulders lose their strength.

I believe a family member may have found my blog. I found a search for something unusual in the hit logs today. I'm not sure how I feel about that but I've decided that I will continue to post about anything and everything I feel like... this is who I am like it or hate it...

Today while having coffee with LAPROXDOC after practice I ran into the spouse of one of the women from my old woman's group... the one that turned into such a nightmare for me and basically made me clam up and release any attempt I was making at making bonds with women. It was wierd. I haven't seen any of them for 3 years now except once or twice at the grocery store where we spoke for just a couple moments. I tried very hard to be very open and sincere. I meant it but it was wierd.

Tomorrow we usually go to the RSF parade but we got invited to this pool party at a friend's house and I think we've decided to take the kids there in an effort at extending our social network. I really feel the need to "get out there" and start meeting people we can socialize with again (which is why it was sorta wierd to run into that person's spouse because it is the issues with her that basically led me to cower up inside myself). After that we're having the family over for a BBQ and, hopefully, the cloud bank will stay out long enough for the kids to see fireworks (somehow, I doubt that will happen). Happy 4th to you all.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:37 PM | Comments (3)

July 2, 2005

What A Guy

Last night's flower reading was very fun... Strangely enough, the flower reader picked my flower for a reading first. As he started off my reading he talked about my spiritual journey and how I've had some ups and downs over the past 12 months but how everything is coming together. It's funny because I've felt so content with my journey as of recently and I think that's part of my mourning for the big changes coming... I don't want anything to change. What turned out to be remarkable (for and I think for everyone in the room who had never had a flower reading before and who all knew my situation) was that he began to tune into the energy of my grandmother, he specifically brought up cancer and that she wanted me to know that I am making the right choice "in the things coming up" soon. He then talked about traveling... mentioning Hawaii (which is wierd because JUST the other day The Husband and I discussed taking a trip to Hawaii sometime in the coming year) but it was when he said that sooner I would be taking a trip "back east" that I think everyone looked at me with their mouths open. When he brought this up I looked over at Kiran because it was just so clear that it was freaky. In the last two readings I've had with this man he has brought up my grandfather's energy... talking about how my grandfather is around me a lot and mentioning, back then, some very specific things happening in my world. This time he brought up my grandfather again and mentioned that I had recently looked at a picture and laughed. Wierd because after I got out of the shower yesterday I looked at this picture that my mother put together after the last flower reading of my grandfather and I laughed (of the memory of my grandfather being around). He also mentioned a song in conjunction with my grandmother and there totally is a song. Anyway, when your's is the first flower, it is sometimes hard to remember everything he says... but another thing he brought that he's brought up every other reading I've had is my "natural healing abilities" and that I haven't tapped into them. He also said that the spirit world is really reaching out to me in my dreams...which is freaky because I've been having these totally vivid and dramatic dreams for the past two weeks which I attributed to stress.

I really enjoyed the flower reading... it was especially interesting to hear the readings of friends and acquaintenances. I didn't get to ask a lot of people about how accurate their readings were but I know that, for instance, with one girl he pinpointed a male's name in her life. A very nice evening all in all.

When I got up this morning I felt really drained... tired... beat up... it is stress. I'm starting to get really anxious in my core. I'm not sure what the anxiety is about. I think it might be less about losing my breasts and more about the fact that I'm having surgery and will be in a hospital. I don't relish the idea even if it wasn't to cut off my breasts. I'm nervous I guess. I also feel like things are snowballing out of control. I haven't even figured out the rest of my accommodations since I'm staying longer and alone... I have to go shopping to find some button down shirts, a lanyard (apparently to hold the drains -- I have no idea what this means really but that's what everyone is telling me to do). I need a good book or two to bring. On the other hand, I don't really want to do any of this. I think I need a kick in the ass to start working on my preparations. Fear. Abhaya.

The Husband got up this morning, went to Starbucks and brought me home my caffeine fix. It's the first time he's ever done something of that nature before... I can't figure out if he's feeling sorry for me or is just trying to go the extra step since our relationship has been strained as of late. Regardless, it was a special treat that I took a bit note of.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:08 AM | Comments (2)

July 1, 2005

Ah, gettin' the kinks out....

I took OKRGR's advice and slept in this morning arriving for practice just as Mysore was finishing up... and, boy howdy, was it a SAUNA in there today. Perhaps it felt just a bit more dramatic walking in from the chilly outside to the room where 60 people have just sweated to their core but it was almost suffocating. I put my check in the box... a check that covers my last 7 classes.

People were finishing up their practice as I got there and I didn't want to disturb anyone's savasana so I setup next to OKRGR who had also just arrived (plus I figured this would force him to help me in Bhekasana :>). It wasn't as painful as I figured it would be to get started, the extra heat made it quite acceptable to just do 3 As and 3Bs. I noticed immediately that my right hip was quite cinched up and didn't feel like loosening up. I didn't really notice it until I got to Bhujapindasana, in which I've never felt my hips before, when suddenly it was like "WOAH, this ain't gonna be so easy today" (not that it ever is, but you know what I mean). As I was finishing OKRGR asked if I'd assist with Supta Vajrasana before Kurmasana or did I want to do Kurmasana -- given how Bhujapindasana felt, I was happy to put it off for a few ;) The time didn't help, however, Kurmasana was painful and for the first time in months and months, I couldn't get bound by myself. Fortunately, OKRGR had pity on me and assisted me into it... then I felt like a schmuck for not pushing myself so I came out and did it again by myself. How's that for treating the practice as a physical sport only :> In Pasasana, OKRGR kept telling me to lift my hips. I was trying really hard and, truth be told, it did make it easier; however, I'm still working on the balance so it made it very precarious.

Tonight is the flower reading at my house... time to go get ready for it :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:49 AM | Comments (4)