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June 16, 2005
Choo Choo Train of Thought
Someone commented to me the other day that I've been posting a lot lately. Maybe I have... I guess I never look at it that way. My blog has become a discipline for me... it's something I look forward to everyday. Some days are simple, I might say blah or I might just describe my practice in my own way... some days I actually think about what I write, some days I just sit down.... but its the act in and of itself of forcing myself to write something every single day. It's sorta wierd that the medium is this blog but quite honestly it seems to work for me so I'm just going to keep doing it. Sometimes I feel a bit ashamed to have all this out there, how pitiful... on the other hand, it's so totally me... I'm really a very sociable person just completely inept at being sociable (it's okay, I am, I know it... stop laughing D, I realize you told me this like 15 years ago). So, I figure as long as I'm finding it a discipline for the inner workings of me, whatever it means that I need to find the time to do this I haven't yet figured out but with the discipline I've set for myself about it, clearly there must be something going on...
So, with that said, I always told myself my blog would always include thought processes I had, not necessarily ones I had answered, ones I'm proud of, ones I find socially acceptable either (no worries, I don't have some deep dark secret to share yet)... and I always promise myself to write about my practice to (which sometimes overwhelm the former). I appear to be very bound by rules, don't I? Damn Virgos!
Today I got to thinking... do you think your teacher knows, intuitively I suppose, when you've made some inner breakthrough. I'm not sure that it correlates with where you are in the practice though I'm sure that the work before and after works out the kink, if you know what I mean... but you has some mental thought and it's like BANG! that's it.
Yoga is the only thing in my life right now that I'm just completely right on about. It's like some lightbulb went off recently and was totally and completely solidified with the denial for surgery. I fully own up to feeling completely un-yogic after I was given and stayed at Pasasana for a few months... just chomping at the bit to get the next pose... and maybe I even felt that way at the next pose too... but slowly it's been like "Cool, this is cool... I'm just totally where I'm at." This last pose, Ustrasana, don't get me wrong, I'm stoked for the challenge and, okay, secretly, don't tell anyone, the longation of the practice, more time on the mat (specifically, don't tell my husband that)... but I no longer feel that bit.. I just feel pleasantly happy and in tune. Maybe, just maybe, it really isn't about the poses at all... just maybe it's really about that fact that I can actually say I, pretty steadily, make Mysore all the time now. It was such a goal to get to this point in the practice, of having a practice that wasn't spartan, jumbled, with all different teachers and classes.. just the practice, show up and do it. It's just so right where I am and it's the only thing in life that is just simply perfect. It's the only time when there's just this deep empty sigh. I'd say I'm just gel'in but then that would sound just too totally California and all.
And while I'm sitting here spilling to the screen, I should be honest and say this unwinding of a great convincing job you've given yourself can be really WOW'ing. As the past day has gone by I've found myself listening to the "convincing" I did for myself about this surgery. Don't get me wrong, in every way shape and form I believe that this is what I need to do but even having made that decision there still isn't an easy way to convince yourself to remove your own breasts... there isn't. So you do a great convincing job on yourself. You make lists... the pros and the cons (you stay away from the too intimate to your psyche cons)... you think "Yea, they'll be perky and look hot" (as if I care, I'm married with two kids and believe me The Husband is perfectly happy with how they are right now), then I think "Well, I'll be able to buy new clothes" (but then I remember that I really suck at shopping, one of those girl skills I was never taught and never picked up)... but you see when these are going down as pros.. you forget the part in parenthesis, you just put it down as a pro, convince yourself of it and move on to the next section of the list... it's what you have to do. So it's been interesting to "let go" of those things on the list... the many of them... It's interesting to hear myself in the argument and I have to stop and wonder... is this another convincing job so that I can "get over it" or did I really convince myself of this in the first place? It's a tremulous place to be... very tentative and scary.
And is anyone else freaked out about the number of earthquakes we've had recently?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:51 PM | Comments (4)
State of Denial
First order of business: Thanks to fresh new commenter, Marilyn, I have officially 2,000 comments to my blog today. Dare I say you love me, you really love me ;)
Second order of business: I'm completely, totally in a state of denial today. I have no desire to think or talk about *that thing which is weighing heavily on my mind* -- none, zip, zilch, notta, don't ask me today (though I may make reference to it somewhere below).
Last night after my unique yoga practice I ate a half pint of Ben & Jerry's (chocolate fudge brownie, organic at least) and went to bed. I figured I'd pay for that half pint today but whatever, I was down in the dumps and what's better when you're down in the dumps than a bowl... with ice cream. I woke up this morning to an ache somewhere on the outside of my hip down into my quad...wierd ache, not necessarily painful but just persistent. With The Husband at the new job and off to Orange County before 7, I had to get myself ready, The Daughter ready, the Kids ready, get The Son to school and then get The Daughter and myself up to Tim's house with enough time to make practice. I didn't really think I could pull it off but, actually, I was early, got The Daughter settled at Tim's, over to yoga and it worked out perfectly. My biggest battle today was going to be seeing Kiran. I knew if I could get through seeing Kiran without simply bawling like a baby within the first 2 minutes then I could steel myself through the rest of my day with some semblance of normalcy. Of course, she was the only one outside the studio when I got there (usually there are tons of people) so I tentatively stepped forward, she hugged me and I miraculously willed myself into not crying. I can't believe it worked because she's one of the few people that I feel like I could just totally let it go in front of .... but we were at yoga and, you know... bad vibe.
Once I got down to the practice today things were okay. Lots of new faces today... clearly for teacher training next week. It's going to get crowded. One of the senior students at the shala had his little boy there today so it was a great distraction for me... not a distraction of the practice but in the ambiance... he had a little Thomas train (battery operated) that was pulling James (the red one) around and he was literally running up and down the mats yelling "Come On Thomas, Come on!" I'm sure some of the teacher trainees were like "mhmm... is this normal?" or maybe they viewed it with light and love like most of us did (even when we were offered mango in the midst of practice "Wanna a bite? Wanna a bite? Wanna a bite?" at every mat). For me, it was the perfect atmosphere to practice in because it kept me grounded enough in reality to not "go there." My practice was turning out pretty good actually except that I kept finding my elbows bent in during chatarungas (that cheat where you rest part of your weight on your elbows). I wasn't trying to do this nor did I feel like I needed to but they just kept seeming to go that way (remember I have the wierd elbow thing so I have to purposefully turn my elbows correctly) *shrug* In Marichyasana B today I could have just stayed there. On the first side I stayed for a very long time... probably at least 15 breaths if not more... I just wanted to stay curled up into myself. On the second side I made mental note that if I stayed that long, I was going to wind up in tears so I only stayed for 10 breaths or so. In truth, it was Marichyasana D that got me. The tears started coming on the first side mid-twist... it's a good thing that pose is pretty easy for me that I could be careless enough to twist all the way, crying at the same time. I saw Kiran out of the corner of my eye and willed myself to not meet her line of sight... if I had, it would have been over so I pulled a backbone out, found chatarunga and made it through the rest of my practice in one piece without saltwater (well, except for sweat). I did Ustrasana, my new pose :), twice today... maybe even three times... just to get a better feel for it. I like it. So I get to backbends... I'm backbending... tried to get the rhythm of Metallica in my head (and perhaps if I was a bigger fan I'd been able to find it but it really was fluke that I ended up listening to that last night)... instead I fought them as usual. When Tim came to help me I said "Someday I'm going to enjoy these." He said "Are you dreaming about them yet?" I said "Yea, but in my dreams I can do it." He and Kiran piped up "Well, that's the first step." So, he always has me do one last backbend where he helps me up before we start our dropbacks. After falling out of dropbacks the other day I was surprised that today he seemed less willing to help me and when he pulled me up he was really only pressing on my hips from the front inside of helping me from the back or sides... so I come up... and SMACK I head-butt him dead on. After the initial shock we laugh and I say "One of these days I'm going to take you out." He tells me its the first time he's ever been head-butted. Well, gee, leave it to me and backbends to give him a first. On the last dropback, coming up, it felt like he barely helped me up... he moved his head... I didn't have the balls to ask him if he had helped me more than I thought.
After changing and picking up the girls we drove down to Build-A-Bear... it was just what I needed... the mental break from having to think about life, my life in particular. We made a Koala, an Elmo and we made Tim a monkey which his daughter named "Hanuman Lisa" and we dressed the monkey in Joe Boxers (it was the closest to yoga wear we could find). We also put a voice box in the monkey... His daughter wanted to say "Happy Father's Day We Love you..." but she was shy about the talking so you end up hearing "Happy Father's Day...say I love you" and her giggling (with my saying the former). After Build-A-Bear we went to get mac 'n cheese, back to my house for a bit of playtime and then we went to Cold Stone where the girls could have been poster children for what happens after you give 4 year olds sugar. The Daughter is so wiped out from the day she can barely lift her eyelids right now....
Me... well... I'm avoiding myself... I deserve that I suppose.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:56 PM | Comments (1)