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June 30, 2005
Oh The Ache
I haven't had a real practice since Sunday.... my body is feeling it. I ache both physically and mentally... what will I do for 2 months without yoga? Before I started yoga, I had a consistent ache in my back that is a result of a car accident many, many moons ago (D, can you believe how long it's been and I can still remember the moment.. can you?). Without yoga, the ache slowly comes back until it's actually a pain... I discovered about an hour ago why my head hurts so bad... I figured it was the cold but I was really feeling better... then it hit me... I had no caffeine today... no caffeine... the banter in my head is that of a caffeine addict. Sad but very true.
I got a call today that all of my blood work was a-ok with the exception of my thyroid. Since I hadn't planned on taking the test I'm think I took my meds earlier that day which always skews my results... either that or yoga has created a miracle by which I no longer need to take thyroid medication anymore. So aside from the irregular EKG (first degree AV Block -- did I mention that here yet?), I'm very healthy. Even my blood pressure was normal, why, oh, caffeine helps so the doctor told me... guess it's a good thing I got addicted.
Today I found out that my plastic surgeon has ordered 3 sizes of implants so he can choose the perfect one after the mastectomy is done... I guess it is sorta a variable as to how your skin is after the removal of the breast tissue. I'm glad he's so meticulous. I also found out that I will have to stay in NY longer than I anticipated. Instead of coming home on Sunday the 17th, I'll have to stay to the 19th leaving early that morning... the problem is that my mom can't stay with me. This leaves me having to find somewhere to stay the last couple nights and someone to take me to the airport, check my bag for me (since I won't be able to carry, etc. anything of any weight) and make sure I get off okay... do you think I can hire someone to do this (I'm only halfway kidding). I'm also going to have to figure out how to get from the city back up to Tarrytown for my follow-up on Monday. I think I will take the train but, you know, I know I'll get lost... I'm completely scared of attempting that in the city. To be honest, as much as I love the city, it's a little too big for me. I'm staying in the city Wednesday-Saturday night with my mom...she can do a bit of sightseeing and I got a room with a "living room area" so we can have some personal space as well (at a hotel by Central Park) so I suppose I could stay there Sat-Mon as well if I could figure out how to change the drains by myself and get myself to my follow-up appointment... ah, life in recovery will be fun, fun and more fun!
All in all, aside from the expenditure of hotels, flights and what not I'm really looking forward to getting past this. I don't feel a great sense of mourning for my breasts necessarily but a deep sense of gratitude for my surgical team and the idea that in two more weeks this will all be overwith...
In the wonderful world of blogging news, one of my international readers actually sent me a gift! First, I love gifts, giving and receiving, so it was wonderful to receive a box of what appears to be wonderful Belgium chocolate bars. You all know how much I love chocolate. I've decided to save them for my week in New York (no practice = mhmmm chocolate... oh and wine). What a wonderful, thoughtful person... I know the energy of the gift will bring a smile to my face (well, okay, and the chocolate!).
Tonight while I was waiting for my prescription at the grocery store I met a man, lawyer, who read more Sanskrit than I. Apparently he had studied it earlier in life. I always find it fascinating to meet people via my tattoos... their stories, what brings them to speak to me, are always amazing.
I'm going to practice tomorrow... as painful as it might be... I am going. The Husband says I should wait one more day but, screw it, I'm not waiting... I've only got like 7 practices left! I don't want to go any further in the series... I just really want to cherish this last week... really use it to be with myself... really just cherish the memory of the movement and the meditation... oh and get the cup of coffee when I'm done.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:03 PM | Comments (6)
It's About Non-Attachment
*SOB* Yesterday I attempted another practice at the hotel. I wasn't feeling any better but I did manage to pull off more of a practice than the day before. Sun Salutations, all of standing, a few seated and a closing headstand. I spent the rest of the morning in the pool with the kids and then making the long drive home.
I got up this morning prepared to practice... did my routine... then got a note from my doctor and the advice of my husband that it would be best if I didn't practice today. I am feeling better but am clearly just moving to the other side. It's imperative that I'm better and healthy by next week so I'm very sadly, near tears, taking their advice and not practicing today. Can you believe it... this just pisses me off royally. My last two weeks of practice and here I am missing a whole week of it. Perhaps this is the universe showing me the value of non-attachment early? I vow to go tomorrow... I'm loading up on "stuff" today and tomorrow I WILL be all better. I WILL.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:52 AM | Comments (1)
June 28, 2005
The Earth Is Your Mother
I forgot to mention something that Tim said on Sunday that I just loved and has really resonanted with me ever since (I realize I made a typo but frankly my head is so stuffed up I don't feel like backspacing)....
Before I started working again I was a deeply spiritual person. I still am a deeply spiritual person but it is far more internal now than it used to be. I used to celebrate all of the Pagan holidays... I used to make a big huge deal about them in fact. It was common for me to have a party on the solstice(s) but since I've become less social and more and more busy being a working mom trying to fit in a daily yoga practice, most of that has gone by the wayside. When I was pregnant with The Daughter, the song I listened to over and over, meditated to, labored to even was Returning by Jennifer Berezen. I've mentioned it before but basically the chorus is "Returning to the Mother of us all" over and over for a half hour.
On the Summer Solstice this past month I was telling The Husband how much I mourn the time I used to take for that outward festive spirituality. I used to love building an altar to the seasons, making crafts with the kids or with friends, having people over to celebrate our connection to nature. We talked about how I have to prioritize and, sadly, that's one of those things that I just simply don't have time for. I still respect and cherish all of it but I don't have the time to really go full bore anymore.
On Sunday, about the end of class, it was hotter than hot and Tim made a comment. It's actually the same comment I've heard him make once before, my first Intro to Second class.. he said "Some of you might want your mommy right about now." He paused for a bit and then said "She's right under you."
It's funny because this isn't a monumentally "new" statement for me... but it was a perfectly timed reminder that I do celebrate that spirituality... everyday... head on the floor, bringing the energy into me with the breath... I thought of this today while I was doing my non-practice out on the ugly walkway at this hotel... right under me.
----
For about 10 minutes today I could actually breathe...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:41 PM
Arizona High
Yesterday I drove 6 hours to get here. We're staying at the Fairmont Scottsdale Princess. It was a nice drive with the exception of the fact that I'm sick. This hotel is very kid-friendly... a reception/check-in desk just for kids (where they give them $10 to blow in the gift shop). We changed into suits and went to the pool... with two water slides. We stayed there for a bit, had room service, watched a movie, ordered sundaes (well they did, I didn't) and then took a walk around the lagoon where my kids ran and screamed as a result of the various bugs swarming around.
Got up this morning SICKER. Blah! This sucks. But, heck, good timing. If I'm gonna be sick, let's be sick before surgery and while I'm out of town and unable to practice. I did attempt to practice this morning. I took my mat out to a shaded spot below the hotel room so I could hear if the kids were killing each other. I did a few Sun Salutations and then realized my head was going to explode. I did most of standing, a few seated postures and then did a headstand to end it. I progressively got worse throughout the morning.
We drove to Phoenix to go to the Sesame Street science exhibition as the Arizona Science Center. For all you parents out there, if you have toddlers, great exhibit... if they are older, not worth it. On the way home we stopped at Target to try and get the Nintendo DS deal for the Son (you get Super Mario free). We had been to the Target by the hotel yesterday but they were out.... we found one in Phoenix and as we were driving home I realized "Hey, that total doesn't sound right." I dug out the receipt and sure enough, he charged me for the game. So I stopped at the Target by the hotel and ended up in a huge fight with the manager. They tried to tell me that I had drive all the way back to the other Target. I'm sitting there going "It's TARGET! I should be able to exchange/return at ANY Target." They insisted they have different inventories. It got so heated, I swore in front of my kids... which I'm sure made them think oh this woman is a real great parent. In the end, I forced the woman to do what she didn't want to do...what she said wouldn't work... and you know what, it worked. If I hadn't been so pissed off I would have laughed in her face. In the end, the adrenaline apparently made a difference because I started to feel better.
It is HOT here.... really, really super freakin' hot. What was I thinking? It is almost too hot to go outside :) So we're hanging in the hotel room (which the kids love) until it cools down a bit... then we'll hang by the pool. Heck, at least the heat got me out of doing the fishing lagoon -- because they don't have help on duty... I'd have to bait the hook and that isn't going to happen!
In other news, I got this wierd email from someone asking me what ashtangi meant. When I responded, the person asked if shanti meant a person who practices shanta yoga or meant peace. Very strange questions...
In other, other news... the woman from the previvor organization who had the same surgery I'm having on Friday is sounding AMAZING. She said she didn't even take any narcotics and went out to lunch two days after surgery with her husband. She said she looks amazing, has retained most of the sensation in her breasts and feels wonderful (aside from the drains). This is very encouraging.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:45 PM | Comments (1)
June 26, 2005
As The World Turns
Friday night I made it to the first series class at my club armed with my teacher training manual. The teacher is one of my favorites outside of Tim and I think she's truly a gifted, wonderful teacher. She let me come and watch the class... I wanted to listen to the cues she used, etc. I won't be doing a full primary but I thought it would give me exposure to all the poses. When I got to class a few people that I knew well from my days of practicing there regularly were there and they told me I could adjust them. I'm very nervous about touching people but thought I might try a couple. I practiced counting in my head through Sun Salutations, did a couple adjustments in downward dog and then did my first attempt at an adjustment in Parvritta Trikonasana... probably not a smart thing. The man I was adjusting wasn't straight so I attempted to straighten his arm first then pull lightly on his shoulder. I wasn't using any strength but I could tell I pushed him off balance. This rocked my very short supply of confidence. A couple times I thought about adjusting but stayed back. Part of it was that it turned into a really wierd class, an older gentlemen who insisted he had done ashtanga a lot was there... he clearly had either never done yoga or was simply too frail to perform most of the postures at all. Another older woman came who also indicated she had done ashtanga before... she made it through the class but clearly had not done traditional ashtanga (she later said "fitness yoga"). Two other people were there new to the practice and the rest were friends I knew. It must have been a very hard class to teach. I felt much more comfortable doing adjustments in the seated poses. I did a few of those... and I even helped a friend up from a backbend (of course, she's close to doing it on her own so it wasn't so bad). After class one of the girls told me that my adjustments were "very deep" and I'm not sure if that was a good thing or bad. I like deep adjustments but I don't know if the majority of people do. Anyway, it was a very nice experience.
Yesterday we spent the day together as a family. We went to the beach and to lunch. I got some picture frames to put some of my pictures up in my office. The Husband thinks I should put them in the living room but it feels too egotistical and self-indulgent so I think I will keep them in my office. I have two yoga pictures in our house now that I will probably replace with new ones from the photo shoot but I don't think I could put more than that up. Last night I felt the dread of a sore throat coming along. Way bummed since I leave for my trip tomorrow with the kids.
I got up this morning and debated yoga. The sore throat was still there, brewing in the background and I decided perhaps I could sweat it out. Today marks the two week countdown to surgery so, in the back of my mind, I simply can't miss a practice. 10 more practices to go (there's a moon day in the next two weeks). Practice this morning was hotter than it's ever been. At one point Tim asked if we'd like the air conditioner on :) Amidst mumblings he flipped a switch an an overhead fan came on... moving at the speed of a snail. I was surprising that even not feeling 100% I had enough strength for first series today... that just goes to show you what practicing first series and part of second five days a week does to your stamina (and it's the part I think will go downhil the fastest for me). Practice itself wasn't notable. A bunch of the teacher trainees were doing adjustments and I had to note to a couple of them not to touch me in certain poses. I recognize they were coming over because I wasn't fully right in the pose :) I hold back in 3 poses because of my hip so it's interesting to be in a room of adjusters who don't know this and they beeline to me :) I don't think I'm not in the pose all the way, I'm just not pushing it at all. OKRGR gave me a wonderfully deep adjustment in Baddha K today. At first he wasn't giving me enough pressure so I told him to go for it... he did... and he left me when I said "Uncle" in a huffed squeeze of voice from the ground. You get what you ask for. Later he also did a nice shoulder adjustment in backbends... I'm not quite sure physically how he turned my shoulders but he definitely turned them some way... I'm sure he'll let us know :)
After class my body caved... I came home and took an hour nap and have yet to start packing for my trip tomorrow morning. I've toyed with the idea of going to practice first and then leaving...but that would have me on the road around 11 and that's not fair to the kids. I figure I can get there, we can hang out and before dinner I can set them up in chairs somewhere with a Gameboy and a DVD and practice while they zombie out to media. I'm still not feeling 100% but hopefully the Arizona sun will make me feel a bit better. In the meantime, I'm loading up on GSE and Vitamin C.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:29 PM
June 24, 2005
The Vanity of Pictures
So I got the "proofs" of last night's yoga shoot :) Here they are... completely unedited, the goofy lame ones and all... Especially take note of the classic and perfectly poised version of Kukkutasana... it's about how one feels in certain poses ;)
I won't mention my favorite(s) though I do have them....
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:40 PM | Comments (8)
Stiffie
Last night I met my friend up at Torrey Pines for pictures. It was cold... so cold. After a few days of beautiful weather, the inversion layer rolled in and the temperature dropped... and it was cold. So cold that it was near impossible to do certain poses so I'm not sure how the pictures will turn out but, we'll see. Perhaps we'll find good weather another day and can take another shot at it.
I had wierd dreams again last night except this time they were about The Daughter being missing and losing a car. I woke with a start at about 5:45 thinking I heard The Daughter screaming... ran to her room, she was sound asleep. Having gotten home late last night and having no appetite, I didn't eat dinner so I grabbed a couple tablespoons of yogurt and granola and realized as soon as I was finished that I had totally screwed up... today was my pre-ops tests with the doctor and I was supposed to go at 9:00 for the fasting tests. Big freaking Oops! I have no idea when I'm going to be able to do them now.
I thought practice this morning was going to be horrible.... having practiced yesterday and then doing two hours of poses in the cold, cold air I was pretty stiffened up and definitely hurting. The first few sun salutations were horrid. They felt like torture. Surprisingly the room was much less crowded today... I guess most of the teacher trainees are going to do Intro to Second tonight or something. We had a lot of space between mats and then someone came and put their mat down... he was a heavy and uneven breather and it was very distracting. It made it heard to hear my own breath or to follow it. Once I got warmed up and going things were better. I finally discovered today when Tim told me "better" that my Parivritta Trikonasanas are that bad. Sometimes you can't be sure whether you are getting an adjustment just to get you deeper or to correct you. In this pose, I'm definitely getting corrected. I think part of the problem is that I tend to move my feet closer together after Trikonasana and I should probably not do that. Nothing much else to report in my practice... it was pretty lazy practice compared to the rest of the week. In Pasasana the guy next to me offered me a block for my heels as I was doing the second side. I politely declined. I'm not sure if he thought I should use a block because my heels aren't down but I was bound just fine... just balancing there. As I started backbends today I started to cry... not quite sure why yet. I think I was thinking about how I really only have a week left of practices. I'll be gone M-W next week so I'll practice at the studio TH/F and then I'll have one last week. Seems like this train all of a sudden is nearly at the station and I'm not prepared. I guess there really is no way to be prepared.
Off to work...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:07 AM
June 23, 2005
Cool Cool Breeze
Yesterday I ingested the following: a Starbucks mocha, a bottle of Focus Vitamin Water, a burrito that was about the size of the palm of my hand, about 1/2 a cup of yogurt with a few tablespoons of granola, about a cup of macaroni & cheese with a banana and 1/2 glass of red wine. When I was getting ready for bed I thought to myself "This is not healthy." I mentioned it to The Husband but he sees no problem with it. One thing I've noticed lately is that I've been seriously considering the food I'm eating and I'm not 100% sure that I'm doing a good job with my diet. Adding meat is one thing, I feel better eating meat but there's something niggling at me that feels not quite right. The Husband thinks I'm getting too much fat (from the granola in particular) but a diet needs some fat and I don't think I'm really eating much fat other than in coffee and granola.
Last night I had crazy dreams! In my dreams last night I could do a light-as-a-feather jump back (not jumping all the way through my legs or anything) and, in my dream, it was like "OH, see, you just hold your bandha and do the little freeze motion in the air and then you are silent." It doesn't work this way in reality though... :) Someday.
The Son came with me to practice today. I mentioned yesterday that I was a bit nervous about it because, well, he has the tendency to make very loud sound effects while playing (whatever he's playing, whether the Gameboy or just playing with a stick). We got to the studio a bit earlier after dropping off The Daughter at Spanish class and sat outside. The Son is a pretty shy, introspective kid and he didn't like everyone looking at him and saying hello. He was also very excited to get to play Gameboy for 2 hours so he kept asking when we could go in. After all the people for Mysore started swarming, he got very uncomfortable... in fact, it was wierd. He started crying. He knelt next to me and told me that he was really scared. I asked of what and he said he was scared to "go in there." I think it was just that there was a swarm of people and that made him uncomfortable. We sometimes forget that when you are little, having a bunch of big people around you can be a bit uncomfortable...it's like being the height of everyone's waist you know? Anyway, once the doors opened I got him situated in the bathroom waiting room (which is like a tiny square room with an open door to the practice area). We put a blanket down for him and put the headphones on. I put my mat right outside the door in the front row so I could keep an eye on him. The beginning of practice was a bit distracting because people kept asking me if he was mine :) One of the things I love about practicing with Tim is that he's definitely not a strict no-breaking-the-rules practitioner. From what I've heard, and I have no first hand knowledge so this is complete heresay, many other studios would never allow me to bring my child and prop him up while I practice. Sometimes when the younger kids get brought by their parents, they run all over the room and play and that's fine too. Yoga is a part of my life, my life is part of my yoga and sometimes the two come together. I was also really happy that my son was there today. I noticed a bunch of times him looking up and watching everyone practice. I want him to see the energy and feel the vibe in the room. He has no real interest in yoga but I figure if he's surrounded by the idea, at some point in life, he might pick it up. I'm thankful that Tim is open to the idea of family and family life and the challenges that presents to his students.
Once I got really started things went well for me today. I was having a good practice day :) The only "problem" seemed to be that the little room where The Son was sitting has a door that opens onto the street behind the studio and there was a cool breeze coming in through the entryway to the little room. So I would get really hot and then do a jump through sit down and be smacked in the face with this nice cool breeze. It felt good in the airways but it also cooled me down somewhat. In the grand scheme of things, it didn't make me less heated or anything but it was sorta of disconcerting and distracting. At one point Tim was helping the girl next to me and he sat down to bind her in Mari B and said "Hey, there's cool air here!"
I just realized thinking about my practice that I didn't get any adjustments today except in Bhekasana which I waited for Rich to come and help me. That's okay, I don't mind at all.. but sometimes when I try to remember my practices I remember by when I was helped :) You know what pose felt awesome today? Purvattanasana which is surprising because I don't generally "enjoy" that pose. Tim happened to be standing right by my feet when I entered it so maybe I was giving it more of my "all" but it actually felt good too which made me sit up and take notice.
So what do you do when you're practicing and you catch someone's eye... or when you're practicing so close to people that you frequently catch the same person's eye? Today there was someone whose eye I kept catching when I was twisting or whatever and after awhile it got uncomfortable :)
The other thing I noticed today was that sometimes Tim (and I could be wrong, this is total perception) makes comments about the practice under the guise of a joke or sarcasm. For example today he told me that I was practicing next to Darth Vader. Had Tim said that about me I probably would have thought "Well, I'm not really supposed to sound as loud as Darth Vader so maybe I should tone it down." The person he said that about didn't but it made me think about some of the more masked comments Tim has made to myself.
I think my jump-throughs are starting to sound much more quiet... I still land heavily but I'm able to maintain without completely dropping into it. This means I'm gaining a lot more upper body strength... which will, sadly, be the first thing to go after surgery.
With the cool breeze coming in, I wasn't as sweaty as the other days this week so I was able to bind and cross my ankles by myself in supta k. I considered Dwi Pada before but had no idea where Rich was in the room... as I was sitting in supta k I heard my son make one of his shazamm noises about this game... so I popped out and he looked at me like "Ooops!" :)
Second series poses are still a joy for me. I like each and every one of them. I feel like I'm making great strides in getting my heels closer to the floor in Pasasana. I'm still focused on the balance rather than the twist but I'm able to bind hand to hand easily on both sides with my heels more toward the ground and actually look all the way behind me for a full 5 breaths. Again, I think this will be one of the hardest poses to get back after surgery because the one breast is definitely moved up and out of the way and sorta smooshed. I did Ustrasana twice again today. I held it longer the second time and really tried to push out of my legs/hip area and focus less on the experience in my back. After doing this and moving into backbends Tim came by. He asked if I was ready. I had only completed one set... I told him I could be ready if he wanted me to be. He told me he didn't want to cheat me out of the experience. HAHAHAHAHA. He knows how I love backbending. For some reason he and I have devised a sorta different setup than others have. Most other people do their two sets of 3, stand up, cross their arms and wait. I get to my 6th backbend and wait for him to come to me and he helps me up. This assist is much easier for me than after assisted dropbacks (maybe a stamina thing or a body placement thing I don't know). So he was pulling on my lower thighs and counted and I came up and he said "HEY! You did that almost all on your own." ALMOST! I've really been concentrating on doing a bit of rocking on my own... I never used to do this I waited for him to indicate to come up. So I've been slightly rocking and then waiting for his count and really putting no attention on my back or front but concentrating on engaging my legs. I guess it's helping. We did assisted dropbacks and on the last one, coming up, I stumbled a bit. I realized I'm afraid of hitting him in the head again :)
All in all it was a great practice. OKRGR, thank you for bringing goodies to The Son (he downed the oj and shared the bagel!) -- you rock. I'm looking forward to practice tomorrow. I'm out of town M-W next week, going to Scottsdale and I think I'm going to get up early and practice outside in the warm air. I definitely will not skip a day of practice now that we are on the countdown.
I am pleased that the weather is clearing up for my pictures this evening at sunset. Hopefully we'll get some good ones :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:28 AM
June 22, 2005
4 Year Old Stamina
So, I have these pictures in the "foyer" of our house (we don't really have a foyer...our house is basically a box with 4 walls separating the rooms)... In the "foyer" is a steptansu (Japanese piece of furniture which looks like stairs) on and on that are a few picture frames. One frame is a wedding picture, one is of me in a backbend in Cabo, one is of The Daughter in a backbend (her rainbow backbend picture) and one is a picture of the seldom, smiling when next to each other Son and Daughter. The Daughter and I were talking about them (because across the room on another piece of furniture is her in a precious 3 year old yoga pose that I've posted here once before) and yoga poses and we came up with the idea together that instead of two backbend pictures, one of me and one of her, we should do backbends together.
Of course, in 4 year old logic, it is very important to have matching outfits so we went and changed (she picked black...have I raised her to be this way?) and then went outside to do them... Let me tell you, it is incredibly hard to frame a picture right when trying to get mother daughter backbends. The first few times, my arms were over her head.... then she fell out of them before The Husband could snap the pic, then my arms were too far out trying to give her space because she's got more arch in her back so I wasn't up far enough... I think we probably did 10 backbends or more and we were both like "Okay, this is the LAST one...." and this is what we came up with:
It's cute... not the best backbend on my part but it's the memory of taking the picture that counts. So we've removed the "separate" backbend photos and now have this one framed... I've decided to put a picture of me with Guruji in the empty frame... maybe... or maybe when I take pictures tomorrow I'll come up with a new one I like.
I sometimes wonder if The Husband feels horribly out of context in his own house. We have lots of yoga pictures up but no surf. In truth, I actually contracted a photographer to go take surf pictures of him one day but when he found out about it he told me not to do it. He told me to tell people that ask that Guruji is my grandfather. :)
In surgical news -- I do have to remove my cartiledge piercing but the tattoo is no problemo according to my surgeon. I found the place for my mom and I to stay in the City but haven't figured out the rest of the plans yet.
It's like two weeks away now... and I'm having slight freak-out attacks periodically. Not that I don't want it but complete and outright fear. I know that's normal... meditate.. breathe... breathe... breathe...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:14 PM | Comments (2)
Swirling
Yesterday was the solstice/moon day so no practice. I spent the morning with The Son which is nice. Since The Daugher was born we rarely have time for just the two of us anymore, it's sometimes hard to remember that he had 3 years of me all to himself, I didn't even work then, but The Daughter started summer program at school and he doesn't start til the beginning of July so it was nice to hang out. We went to the Apple store to exchange the 512mb Shuffle for the gig (The Husband's Father's Day gift) and to Electronic's Boutique to get some headphones for the GameBoy (more on that later) then we watched the ice skaters, I had some Indian food, he a hamburger... It was a nice morning.
I got to practice this morning just as they were finishing up Pranayama, took a space in the back of the room right next to OKRGR who says "Congratulations" to me... it took me a good 5 seconds to realize what he was talking about. It's sorta wierd... surreal... when I sent the email to those I work with telling them I'd be gone, no one is sure whether to say they are sorry or to say WHOOHOO. I guess it is sorta a wierd situation. Practice itself was okay. I knew I wasn't going to have a stellar practice this morning when I woke up... I felt sorta stiff and lethargic. I think I have a theory rolling around -- I've been trying to eat yogurt/granola at about 8 the night before early morning practices and I didn't last night. I've also noticed that my appetite has taken a *marked* downturn for some reason (perhaps stress?) -- in fact, last night, The Husband and I had date night, went to a nice restaurant, the waiter spilled an entire class of water on me, they offered us desert and we passed it up... *I* passed up bittersweet chocolate cake, you all know something must be going on. Anyway, so practice was okay, Tim came over in Parivritta Trikonasana and said "You've missed this adjustment?" I can pretty much count on him adjusting me in this pose nearly every practice so, yea, it is something I've missed. Today was my first practice since finding out the surgery is a for sure and I spent some of it thinking about how the practice will change for me, where my breasts become an issue, etc. It's a very wierd experience and only a bit distracting. The rest of practice was okay, nothing to blog about... During Pasasana on the second side, as I was getting into it, I said to OKRGR "I have no idea how I'll ever do this pose again." He said "Very slowly." I nearly always have to lift my breasts and push them out of the way to get the twist in this pose... will I be able to lift my breasts and smoosh them up like this again? Can you smoosh implants like that?
Tomorrow I don't have a babysitter for The Son in the morning... so I bought the GameBoy headphones for him and he's going to come to practice with me. I can't miss a practice now that I know I only have so many left before surgery. They all mean so much to me. I asked Tim if it was okay if I stuck in the room bathroom area (there's a little room by the bathroom) with headphones and a Gameboy and he said okay. The Son is totally stoked... not to come to yoga but because this means he has two hours of Gameboy instead of his usual half hour. The only problem I forsee is that he oftentimes will start humming the little song on Super Mario Bros ... I will turn red faced if he starts doing that loudly given he'll have headphones on.
Tomorrow evening my good friend, B, is going to take pictures of my practice. We did this a couple years ago up in Torrey Pines at sunset and I have some great shots from that practice session. Tomorrow I think we're going to go to the same spot and get some and maybe down on the beach too. I'm really looking forward to having some pictures of my practice as it looks now.
When I got home my mom left me an email... she had come to watch the kids last night. The email said "I noticed you got ANOTHER tattoo" and then she said that when she has surgery she always has to sign forms that say she hasn't had a tattoo within 3 months. I've never heard of this... OKRGR/LAPROX is this true? Why would that matter? I could see if it was in the area of the procedure. So I sent a message to my doctor asking about it and asking about my upper ear cartiledge piercing because I have never ever taken that out of my ear since it got done and, frankly, I don't even know how to get it out (or how I would get it back in). I also have to figure out what to do with my nose ring. All the details...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:06 AM | Comments (5)
June 20, 2005
So...
Oh My God, I'm getting my breasts cut off in like 3 weeks! I have to admit that for the first time ever this idea that has been in my brain since the first genetic counseling appointment we had way back before The Son was even born is actually no longer just a "what-if" or "when" or "if they approve" but it is actually a date that is real. Sorta has me freaked out. It's not that I have any reservations but just the reality and the fear. Woah.
In part, in all honesty, I have to be real and say one of my biggest fears is losing my practice. I know that it isn't all about asana and I know that the practice is all around me but, honestly, I just love my time on the mat. I can't practice for 6 weeks so I tell myself, come on, that's cool, 6 weeks, that's nothing... and, in the grand scheme, it is nothing. Sorta.
Tonight I realized something as I was playing around with Ustrasana and then thought about the next pose coming up. I feel in such a good place about my practice but, in some ways, that's a complete cop-out. I'm totally freaked about the next pose... it's not my time for it yet. I'm actually fearful of hearing Tim say "Let's add another one" (okay only in part because I know I can't pronounce it right). Yet I know that I have to tackle it. Abhaya.
Tonight I started checking on flights and hotels and whatnot. I've been monitoring this stuff all along but let go of it about a week or so ago when it looked like things weren't going to happen... in that space of time, travel arrangements to New York City have gone way up! Must be summertime weather or something (though I thought NYC is hot and sticky in the summertime?). I finally got a halfway decent flight on JetBlue... but I had to leave on a Sunday and come back on a Sunday. I really had to toy with the idea of the extra $300 it cost to do Saturday-Sunday because I really, really wanted that day in NYC so I could do my very last practice the day before surgery... as it turns out I'll be traveling that whole day :(
That's okay, it's only for 6 weeks. I'll still be able to touch my toes and all after 6 weeks. (right?)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:39 PM | Comments (6)
Holy Shit Batman!
Are you sitting down?
...
..
...
After speaking directly with my surgeon, the medical director at the insurance company has reversed his decision. Folks this means he APPROVED MY MASTECTOMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am in complete shock. I am so grateful for all the prayers and good thoughts... PRAYER WORKS. In particular the dedication of my surgeon and his assistant, Bonnie, was absolutely remarkable.
Now to wrap my brain around this again.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:22 PM | Comments (6)
Holy Saunas Batman
The alarm went off at 6:10 as usual... I was having just a wonderful sleep (after waking up at 5:24 first). I knew I'd have to get to class early with the teacher trainees there this week so I popped out of bed, threw on clothes and left. When I got there a couple other people were walking in, they opened the door and boom there was this huge room of people sitting in a circle. In trying to make space the girl in front of me couldn't hear Tim when he, apparently, asked us to please wait outside. It was cold out there this morning (okay, it's all relative, I realize... but cold to me :>) and once Pranayama (with teacher trainees) was done we all made for mat space... and it was close... and a couple people didn't get any... and the room became a sauna... a true sauna. Though we were packed in very tightly, it was nice energy in the room.
Practice itself was pretty good. I'm noticing now that Mysore is consistent with me that even the early morning Mysore is pretty good, hamstrings warm up quickly, strength doesn't appear to be as much an issue anymore. I didn't do any but a couple jump throughs today... simply not enough room in front of me to do it. I came close to being hit by the guy in front of me a couple times... 'tis okay, that's what happens in rooms that packed. I did get the adjustment to Dwi Pada in Supta Kurmasana today... but I was completely off balance when Rich went to put my second leg up and I had a hard time getting over. When I attempted to come up, the sweat on my ankles was so great that my feet just flipped apart and I could barely make it up into Titibasana. When I got to Bhekasana today both Tim and Rich were helping others so I asked over the girl to me to OKRGR if he could come help me. I really feel like I need an adjustment in that pose to do it correctly... it's probably not good to feel that way is it :) Right before backbends I noticed the girl next to me waiting for someone to help her with Supta Vajrasana so I offered... as we were setting up she mentioned that she thought she'd met me before. I didn't recognize her at all but then she said San Francisco and that she'd met me with Cameron. What a small yoga world.
I heard later that Tim has said we can practice W/F at 9 instead of with the crowd at 7. If I can pull off changing the babysitting schedule I'll probably try to do that instead but I'm not sure I can... we'll see.
Tomorrow I'll be getting my genetic test... the odds aren't strong that it will come back positive but we'll see what happens. Once we have the results from that, we'll figure out how to appeal to the insurance company. So, for now, I'm just going with that course and letting the rest of it lie in my heart.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:02 AM
June 19, 2005
Yogurt
Practice today was pretty nice actually. I don't normally go to the Sunday led classes at the studio... in fact, it seems lately, I just simply haven't done any led classes in a long time. In large part, doing a led class now no longer feels like my own practice in many, many ways... on the other hand it's also super challenging to try and find the concentration (driste!) to someone else's music. Usually when I do a led Sunday class it is at the health club because The Husband's "day" is Sunday (I am finally willing to own up to the fact that M-F are my "days" and he really only gets Sunday), he gets up and surfs (or did pre-injury) then comes home and I go. The class isn't until 11:15 so the hour or so later plus driving time makes a big difference. Today though I actually went to the studio. The room was super hot and toasty after the led second series class. Kiran and OKRGR stayed to assist which was cool 'cause I knew they'd give me some good adjustments that I don't normally get. There were a lot of the teacher trainees there... in fact, I'd venture most of them were teacher trainees... there were only a few "Mysore regulars" which surprised me but, then, I'm not used to the dynamics of that class... heck even Tim said "We don't usually see you here," and then made comment that I should have been making pancakes for my husband. :) So.. anyway... the practice itself was pretty good. Kiran and OKRGR's adjustments were good... in part because they both practice next to me regularly and I think they have a pretty good idea of my struggles which is kinda cool. I recognized today, having to stay for a FULL five breaths (you know, the pose you struggle in you sometimes cheat a bit on really bad days?) that Utkatasana is really, really a struggle for me. I have no idea if the physical essence of that pose is pretty good for me or not because I spend the entire time completely in my head praying, looking, hoping for some movement in my ability to keep my head back and looking up at my thumbs the whole time. The incredible sense of panic I have in that pose in my neck. I think, more than most of the time, I panic out of it before a full 5 breaths and if I don't panic all the way out, I definitely bring my neck further straight and just stare up at the wall or something. What the hell is going to come out when I actually get *there* I don't know :) I almost got totally nailed in the face by someone's chakrasana (backwards somersault for non-yogis), we're talking a felt the breath of the energy over my nose and thought "Holy crap, I'm getting taken DOWN!" They missed me by mere millimeters. Backbends are also much harder to hold when you have to hold them someone else's calm and patient 5 breath count. OKRGR came over during one and did some bizarrio adjustment on my back... I think Tim has done it once before, right when I got my back tattoo, where he had my shoulders and it felt like he was physically moving them... I don't normally get adjustments that make me say Uncle but I did at some point :) I actually like adjustments like that because they make me push my edge. When Tim helped me up from my backbend, I noted that he only put his hands on my lower thighs and pulled up. At Mysore I feel like he uses much more effort to help me up... now I wonder if it's a mental test :) Ah, backbending, how I love thee.
After practice, the horrid wife that I am, I showered and then we started our Hallmark Father's Day. We went to lunch at Ki's (where I swear I saw that chick who won that bachelor show on TV), then we went to the mall to get The Son some clothes. Damn those kids, they keep growing and we have to keep buying them clothes. Fortunately for The Son (who hasn't gotten new clothes since like last summer), the kids at school haven't started to care what they wear yet... I bet next year in second grade that starts to change (good God, it can't start this young can it?). We all went to the pool at PAC together. We met our neighbor's new cute little dog and The Son tormented The Daughter til she cried over some tattoos he has that she doesn't *sigh*.
Oh, the other thought for the day was I noticed how much easier from a stamina point of view first series is for me now. I can remember, just not too long ago, that doing the whole first series was strenuous and something I only did once maybe twice a week. Now a whole first series seems like not all the practice either. I realized I really really get something emotionally quite different out of the first part of second series, very different places to go.
I also need to decide if I feel like getting The Daughter to do yoga is something I should encourage even if I hate the timing of it. They are starting a new yoga for kids program at the club. She loved, absolutely loved, doing yoga before and has been asking me and asking me when she can go back to yoga. The program is being taught by an instructor that I have taken a class from a couple times and I think she'd probably be great for kids even though I'm not sure I dig the style for adults. The only bummer is it starts at 8:30 on Saturday!!!! That's like my day to sleep in and all... granted The Daughter is up at 6:30ish so she'd be all chipper to go but... arg, is it worth it? I think it would be awesome if she grew up practicing yoga but, man, 8:30 on Saturday.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:25 PM | Comments (2)
June 17, 2005
Ooof
Last night I didn't even eat dinner... and it was Thursday which means that dinner was made for me ala Andrew-By-Way-Of-Australia (traditional Southern Indian food yummy)... I just didn't feel like eating. I was so depressed and strung out I just didn't want to nourish myself. Around 9pm I realized I was completely dehyrdated and downed a VitaminWater (you know, I'm addicted to those things too now but I realize they are nothing more than sugar...) so this morning I wasn't surprised to wake up and groan... my body wasn't feeling particularly supple. At least I didn't fight with myself about going to yoga.
On the mat today was okay... nothing special but fairly relaxed and healthy. I stayed a long time in Marichyasana B again today... OKRGR told me that if we stay a long time in our favorite pose, we have to stay just as long in our least favorite pose. I figured given how much I hate, okay, relish the idea of backbending and that we have to do 6 of those plus dropbacks, well, I could stay in Marichyasana B forever if I wanted ;) I debated between doing just first series today... Friday and all... but most of us who practice first series daily still do our second series poses on Fridays (because Sunday is led primary). Today The Husband was meeting me at 8:30 outside the studio to go to the Prana sale so I was trying to hurry. In the end, I really like the second series poses so I decided to do them anyway. After Shalabhasana A & B, I got a bit lost... it felt like I was missing something so I leaned over and asked OKRGR if Virasana was next (not in the series)... I felt like an idiot but I was totally mentally just out there. I still feel like I'm just horribly struggling to get Bhekasana... but maybe it's self-perception because OKRGR watched my Bhekasana today and mumbled "that was good" when I was done. I guess to me it feels like I'm not getting my chest off the ground at all without help... with help it feels very nice. I've also noticed, however, that that is one of the poses that pretty much everyone gets an adjustment in so maybe it's just that I'm used to seeing it with the adjustment. I was so mentally out of it that after Bhekasana I jumped through to seated instead of preparing for Dhanurasana, shook it off wondering where my brain went (oh, yea, it went out the window after the insurance phone call the other day) and finished my practice with Ustrasana. When I finished the first rendetition, Kiran mouthed to me to move my knees and feet in closer together... I had separated them a bit after bending back... so I moved them together and did it again. I feel like my shoulders are up by my ears in this pose, like I'm not pushing them down or something... so I asked OKRGR how to not do this.... did the pose again and asked him if they were all scrunched up... he said they weren't but, man, do they feel scrunched. Again, maybe it's just self-perception...it's funny how sometimes the feeling is entirely different than what is actually happening... kinda like those downward dogs where I'm getting the adjustment that makes me feel like I'm off-center but that Tim and Rich assure me is centered. I did a quick finishing sequence because it was now after 8:30, met The Husband outside, did a quick change in the car and went to the Prana sale. It was okay, same stuff as last time but I did find a couple pairs of shorts that I liked.
After Prana The Husband took me to brunch... I sat through the entire thing just completely out of it. I'm so emotionally kaput that I can't even fit into society right now. Kiran told me that a local news station is interested in airing the story if I'll go on camera... The Husband wants me to fight (and he's also, surprisingly, mentioned mortgaging our house to just pay for it ourselves but how scary is that to consider!). I think the first thing that needs to happen is to just get out of the slump I'm in and find the sky again... what it will take to get there I'm not sure yet... but, heck, it's Friday night, maybe a bottle of wine or two will help (no practice tomorrow!).
Today is The Son's last day of school.... I don't know whether I'm happy or sad. I arranged the entire summer around the idea of this surgery so it's going to be very hard now to make Mysore every morning. The Daughter starts school at 8:30 and the son at 9am. Practice is from 7-9 or 9-11, doesn't look too promising does it? When I made those arrangements it was under the assumption I would not be able to practice for 6 weeks. I'm not sure what's going to happen but I do know that right now I need my practice more than ever so I'm putting it out to the universe to find a way to make it work... anyway to make it work... because I can't imagine losing my practice for a couple months on top of everything else.
As I'm typing I just got a phone call... apparently The Son got out of school early today... but I didn't know that... so I didn't go get him... what a freakin' horrible parent I am... so wrapped up in my own shit I forgot to check the schedule and now my son is getting dropped off by a neighbor on the last day of school. I suck. :( Poor kid. I'll have to come up with a good bribe to make up for this one ;)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:30 PM | Comments (3)
June 16, 2005
Choo Choo Train of Thought
Someone commented to me the other day that I've been posting a lot lately. Maybe I have... I guess I never look at it that way. My blog has become a discipline for me... it's something I look forward to everyday. Some days are simple, I might say blah or I might just describe my practice in my own way... some days I actually think about what I write, some days I just sit down.... but its the act in and of itself of forcing myself to write something every single day. It's sorta wierd that the medium is this blog but quite honestly it seems to work for me so I'm just going to keep doing it. Sometimes I feel a bit ashamed to have all this out there, how pitiful... on the other hand, it's so totally me... I'm really a very sociable person just completely inept at being sociable (it's okay, I am, I know it... stop laughing D, I realize you told me this like 15 years ago). So, I figure as long as I'm finding it a discipline for the inner workings of me, whatever it means that I need to find the time to do this I haven't yet figured out but with the discipline I've set for myself about it, clearly there must be something going on...
So, with that said, I always told myself my blog would always include thought processes I had, not necessarily ones I had answered, ones I'm proud of, ones I find socially acceptable either (no worries, I don't have some deep dark secret to share yet)... and I always promise myself to write about my practice to (which sometimes overwhelm the former). I appear to be very bound by rules, don't I? Damn Virgos!
Today I got to thinking... do you think your teacher knows, intuitively I suppose, when you've made some inner breakthrough. I'm not sure that it correlates with where you are in the practice though I'm sure that the work before and after works out the kink, if you know what I mean... but you has some mental thought and it's like BANG! that's it.
Yoga is the only thing in my life right now that I'm just completely right on about. It's like some lightbulb went off recently and was totally and completely solidified with the denial for surgery. I fully own up to feeling completely un-yogic after I was given and stayed at Pasasana for a few months... just chomping at the bit to get the next pose... and maybe I even felt that way at the next pose too... but slowly it's been like "Cool, this is cool... I'm just totally where I'm at." This last pose, Ustrasana, don't get me wrong, I'm stoked for the challenge and, okay, secretly, don't tell anyone, the longation of the practice, more time on the mat (specifically, don't tell my husband that)... but I no longer feel that bit.. I just feel pleasantly happy and in tune. Maybe, just maybe, it really isn't about the poses at all... just maybe it's really about that fact that I can actually say I, pretty steadily, make Mysore all the time now. It was such a goal to get to this point in the practice, of having a practice that wasn't spartan, jumbled, with all different teachers and classes.. just the practice, show up and do it. It's just so right where I am and it's the only thing in life that is just simply perfect. It's the only time when there's just this deep empty sigh. I'd say I'm just gel'in but then that would sound just too totally California and all.
And while I'm sitting here spilling to the screen, I should be honest and say this unwinding of a great convincing job you've given yourself can be really WOW'ing. As the past day has gone by I've found myself listening to the "convincing" I did for myself about this surgery. Don't get me wrong, in every way shape and form I believe that this is what I need to do but even having made that decision there still isn't an easy way to convince yourself to remove your own breasts... there isn't. So you do a great convincing job on yourself. You make lists... the pros and the cons (you stay away from the too intimate to your psyche cons)... you think "Yea, they'll be perky and look hot" (as if I care, I'm married with two kids and believe me The Husband is perfectly happy with how they are right now), then I think "Well, I'll be able to buy new clothes" (but then I remember that I really suck at shopping, one of those girl skills I was never taught and never picked up)... but you see when these are going down as pros.. you forget the part in parenthesis, you just put it down as a pro, convince yourself of it and move on to the next section of the list... it's what you have to do. So it's been interesting to "let go" of those things on the list... the many of them... It's interesting to hear myself in the argument and I have to stop and wonder... is this another convincing job so that I can "get over it" or did I really convince myself of this in the first place? It's a tremulous place to be... very tentative and scary.
And is anyone else freaked out about the number of earthquakes we've had recently?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:51 PM | Comments (4)
State of Denial
First order of business: Thanks to fresh new commenter, Marilyn, I have officially 2,000 comments to my blog today. Dare I say you love me, you really love me ;)
Second order of business: I'm completely, totally in a state of denial today. I have no desire to think or talk about *that thing which is weighing heavily on my mind* -- none, zip, zilch, notta, don't ask me today (though I may make reference to it somewhere below).
Last night after my unique yoga practice I ate a half pint of Ben & Jerry's (chocolate fudge brownie, organic at least) and went to bed. I figured I'd pay for that half pint today but whatever, I was down in the dumps and what's better when you're down in the dumps than a bowl... with ice cream. I woke up this morning to an ache somewhere on the outside of my hip down into my quad...wierd ache, not necessarily painful but just persistent. With The Husband at the new job and off to Orange County before 7, I had to get myself ready, The Daughter ready, the Kids ready, get The Son to school and then get The Daughter and myself up to Tim's house with enough time to make practice. I didn't really think I could pull it off but, actually, I was early, got The Daughter settled at Tim's, over to yoga and it worked out perfectly. My biggest battle today was going to be seeing Kiran. I knew if I could get through seeing Kiran without simply bawling like a baby within the first 2 minutes then I could steel myself through the rest of my day with some semblance of normalcy. Of course, she was the only one outside the studio when I got there (usually there are tons of people) so I tentatively stepped forward, she hugged me and I miraculously willed myself into not crying. I can't believe it worked because she's one of the few people that I feel like I could just totally let it go in front of .... but we were at yoga and, you know... bad vibe.
Once I got down to the practice today things were okay. Lots of new faces today... clearly for teacher training next week. It's going to get crowded. One of the senior students at the shala had his little boy there today so it was a great distraction for me... not a distraction of the practice but in the ambiance... he had a little Thomas train (battery operated) that was pulling James (the red one) around and he was literally running up and down the mats yelling "Come On Thomas, Come on!" I'm sure some of the teacher trainees were like "mhmm... is this normal?" or maybe they viewed it with light and love like most of us did (even when we were offered mango in the midst of practice "Wanna a bite? Wanna a bite? Wanna a bite?" at every mat). For me, it was the perfect atmosphere to practice in because it kept me grounded enough in reality to not "go there." My practice was turning out pretty good actually except that I kept finding my elbows bent in during chatarungas (that cheat where you rest part of your weight on your elbows). I wasn't trying to do this nor did I feel like I needed to but they just kept seeming to go that way (remember I have the wierd elbow thing so I have to purposefully turn my elbows correctly) *shrug* In Marichyasana B today I could have just stayed there. On the first side I stayed for a very long time... probably at least 15 breaths if not more... I just wanted to stay curled up into myself. On the second side I made mental note that if I stayed that long, I was going to wind up in tears so I only stayed for 10 breaths or so. In truth, it was Marichyasana D that got me. The tears started coming on the first side mid-twist... it's a good thing that pose is pretty easy for me that I could be careless enough to twist all the way, crying at the same time. I saw Kiran out of the corner of my eye and willed myself to not meet her line of sight... if I had, it would have been over so I pulled a backbone out, found chatarunga and made it through the rest of my practice in one piece without saltwater (well, except for sweat). I did Ustrasana, my new pose :), twice today... maybe even three times... just to get a better feel for it. I like it. So I get to backbends... I'm backbending... tried to get the rhythm of Metallica in my head (and perhaps if I was a bigger fan I'd been able to find it but it really was fluke that I ended up listening to that last night)... instead I fought them as usual. When Tim came to help me I said "Someday I'm going to enjoy these." He said "Are you dreaming about them yet?" I said "Yea, but in my dreams I can do it." He and Kiran piped up "Well, that's the first step." So, he always has me do one last backbend where he helps me up before we start our dropbacks. After falling out of dropbacks the other day I was surprised that today he seemed less willing to help me and when he pulled me up he was really only pressing on my hips from the front inside of helping me from the back or sides... so I come up... and SMACK I head-butt him dead on. After the initial shock we laugh and I say "One of these days I'm going to take you out." He tells me its the first time he's ever been head-butted. Well, gee, leave it to me and backbends to give him a first. On the last dropback, coming up, it felt like he barely helped me up... he moved his head... I didn't have the balls to ask him if he had helped me more than I thought.
After changing and picking up the girls we drove down to Build-A-Bear... it was just what I needed... the mental break from having to think about life, my life in particular. We made a Koala, an Elmo and we made Tim a monkey which his daughter named "Hanuman Lisa" and we dressed the monkey in Joe Boxers (it was the closest to yoga wear we could find). We also put a voice box in the monkey... His daughter wanted to say "Happy Father's Day We Love you..." but she was shy about the talking so you end up hearing "Happy Father's Day...say I love you" and her giggling (with my saying the former). After Build-A-Bear we went to get mac 'n cheese, back to my house for a bit of playtime and then we went to Cold Stone where the girls could have been poster children for what happens after you give 4 year olds sugar. The Daughter is so wiped out from the day she can barely lift her eyelids right now....
Me... well... I'm avoiding myself... I deserve that I suppose.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:56 PM | Comments (1)
June 15, 2005
Making Yoga
The rest of my day didn't get any better... in fact, it only went completely downhill from there but I have no desire to talk about it at all. Tonight after getting home I was in a mood reminiscent of the dark and gloom of the music, the theories, the plots, the living situations(!) of the days when I lived with my best friend (a he) and this really really smart wealthy kid from like some rich place up in LA... and the fourth roommate was always a toss up.. we had like the wierdo freakzoid womanizer to the total hick from bisconki pot-head. Some of you know that wonderfully intensive time period of creating fires in the fire place, knocking holes out of windows, the wierd dealer dude next door so I point it out only because it better explains my mood when I grabbed the iPod, strapped on the ear phones, rolled out a mat and just made yoga. I just started with some sun salutations... it was like a revelation! Seriously. Then I just started doing some poses that I like in whatever order they came out of me in... then I realized that wasn't discipline so I threw in some that I don't like :) I found the wonderment of those poses (okay, maybe except for bakasana) and moved on when the spirit hit. I came back to sun salutations a few times... I discovered how long I can hold a backbend while listening to Metallica REALLY REALLY loud on the earphones (and I'm not a huge Metallica fan but I think One and Nothing Else Matters are works of genius)... it's a really long time compared to the regular "1, oh god can I come down yet... no better make 2... okay 2... just 3 and we'll come down... no, what if someone is watchign... 3.... alright 4 but that's it." At some point, after listening to those two songs like twice, I tried to find the right option with lots more songs... the only thing I could come up with was Nine Inch Nails (just the idea of Down In It) so that's what I finished to. Heck, I even did Hanumanasana in my Seven jeans (not easy mind you). It was awesome. I'm not saying I feel much better than I did before I started, physically it was profound... and emotionally it reminded me that there is still that glimmer of calm in my center... with practice it can only grow bigger.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:29 PM | Comments (2)
Personal Family Histories
Alright, so I've cried for a couple hours and I'm not passed the point where if anyone asks me something I don't burst into tears but at least I feel like I can actually type something without shedding saltwater. It probably didn't make for good timing that I got home from practice, well, actually on the way home, The Husband told me on the phone when I called to check on the day's schedule and then I had to go to The Son's school where all the moms who were going to support and help our family through this were. So let me give a brief update....
I called the Utilization Review Board when I got home (miracles of miracles, they actually let me speak to these people). The lady whom I spoke with was halfway bitchy and halfway compassionate. I think she wanted to be compassionate while still denying me coverage. The basic gist of the situation is that their particular policy does not have any coverage for simple hereditary risk factors or genetic testing. It's so ridiculous but you have to meet both factors and/or have the presence of cancer, a previous diagnosis of cancer or have certain types of syndromes or lesions which are considered pre-cancerous activity in the breast. In other words, they don't have coverage for prophylactic mastectomy unless and until you have both hereditary risk factors met (which I do) AND either pre-cancerous activity or a positive gene test and they do not, ever, consider a case on an individual basis -- you either meet it or you don't. I know it sounds logical but when you start talking about genetics it can get a bit fuzzy. The positive note out of all of this is that they have approved the BRCA test for me finally... of course, they won't approve having my mother tested but, hey, at least they'll test me (it basically means nothing without having my mother tested though). I argued for quite awhile on the phone with the woman. She basically told me I didn't understand medical policy and that this was a standard policy. I told her she clearly didn't understand genetics and that it isn't the standard policy because I could send her links to other Blue Cross affiliates who have drastically different policies... she didn't buy that so I showed it to her... at which point she changed her tune and said that their policy was their policy like it or not, right or wrong.
At this point I contacted my UCSD genetic counselor and explained the situation... his response was that the insurance company is never going to understand the testing situation and that he'll test me and it even might come back positive (in which case approval is a given) but the chances are it will not and "The problem is that a negative result can not be interpreted as meaning that you do not have a higher than average risk for breast cancer, and we can always try to make that point to your insurer if necessary." This basically means he's along for the ride for the fight ahead.
You know, honestly, I'm just wiped out. I don't know how much of this I can go through emotionally anymore. My surgeon, his assistant, the genetics counselor, all of you... I know you want me to fight... and, really, I want to... but this upheaval has been so much for me emotionally and I'm just not sure where to go from here. (okay so now I'm in tears again). I've decided to just not think about it until Friday.... tomorrow I'm going to practice, take my daughter and Tim's daughter to Build-A-Bear and have a great afternoon and just leave it alone for 24 hours... Friday I'll figure out where to go.
In the meantime, I've scheduled my genetic test for Tuesday.. they were going to do it tomorrow but I couldn't cancel Build-A-Bear too... I just need something fun to look forward to. The genetic counselor has been surprisingly emotional and supportive (he's not the doctor with the best bedside manner I've ever met) and I know I have a lot of people on my side... I just need to breathe a bit.
In other news.. I've just spent the last couple hours at The Son's graduation from first grade (silly I know). I now have a second grader at home. OMG..the world is simply moving too fast. A few of the mom's on my street have been asking me to give private yoga lessons to them for a year or so now so I've decided to take them up on it to give myself some experience with vocalizing. I need to hook up with Kiran to watch a few classes soon.
I've also spent some time looking at the brighter side of life:
Hey, my yoga practice isn't going to spin all the way back to square 1 now (as if there is squares, I know but allow me to have a golden moment in light of the crappy day I'm having). Tim gave me Ustrasana today. My neighbor told me to take a week up in her condo in Mammoth anytime in July so I could get away. I'll probably be going to Atlanta in a few weeks now. Maybe The Husband and I can now afford our annual trip to Cabo in October (we didn't think we'd be able to given the expediture for surgery)... and I don't have to buy all new bras.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:54 PM | Comments (4)
End Of The Saga
For those of you following the saga, the insurance company denied the claim. Apparently, the only way they'll approve it with my history is if I already have activity in my breasts. Right... so I have to have cancer before I can have preventative surgery... oh, NOW I understand.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:44 AM | Comments (12)
June 14, 2005
One of Those People
I was working tonight while I was eating this great bowl of organic vanilla yogurt, homemade yummy granola and a few blueberries (which I happen to think is equally as sinful as ice cream though somewhere I really wish that it's not) and I got to thinking, "Man, I hate VB.NET." You see, as someone who prefers C#, I hate that the little intellisense thingy magig thinks I actually like that it puts the End If for me. I hate it because I'm almost always in the middle of the End when it actually does it and then I have to backspace which takes longer than it would have to type End If. I then also realized I hardly ever mix my personal blogging with my "professional blogging." I actually have a professional blog but I'm even too ashamed of it to link it here and I think I've let the domain name slip anyway (shame faced icon here). I did good for awhile and it really networked for me but then I just never had the discipline to write about work that much. I have ego enough to admit that the discipline of writing about myself is just so much better and easier.
When having a discussion this evening about scheduling with The Husband again this evening I realized that I've become one of those people. When we discuss the schedule, the time slots for Myself simply are not budgeable. I can't even fathom the thought of not having my practice but I might say "Fine, I guess I have to quit yoga now," if we're arguing knowing that I don't possibly think I could but it sounds like a good threat :) I absolutely have to work but I also have to have yoga... and not only yoga but Mysore... and not only Mysore but 5 days of Mysore. We're going into this new "schedule/job/school being out" time and I'm freakin' out that I won't get to practice but I'm only doing it internally. I wonder would happen if I actually had the guts to say that outloud :)
Which brings me right back to the fact that I just don't have that same passion for programming anymore which is why my blogging efforts failed. I told myself tonight perhaps I'd start it with the ticket to PDC in the email but, you know, I could probably do it through PDC and then I'd stop again... at least I can own it (even if I do get lots of "yea, we thought you dropped off the face of the earth from colleagues that are playing in the middle of the field). I've now officially decided, from this move, that I've given up the "career." To go any further, I really have to move into an office job... and, you know, I have to practice Mysore 5 days a week now so that just isn't gonna happen. Law firms work two ways... they either don't allow "flexible" or they do. 99% of law firm are the former. So, eh, I'm one of those people now... My job is perfect, nah, it pays me half of what I should be making, there's no real "prestige," there's no room to "move forward" but it's entertaining enough that I'm not completely dispassionate about it ... and they like being in the 1%.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:27 PM | Comments (1)
Ah... I Love My Mat
I'm getting a bit tired of the June Gloom already... we've had such a wintery winter (imagine!) this year and I'm done and ready for The Sun to be shining... daily. I had to take The Son to school this morning so I got dressed early and made the mistake of forgetting my jacket in the car. As I stood outside waiting for the bell to ring, I froze my little toes off. Is this really San Diego?
I got to practice this morning and noticed one of the girls from Tulum there and another new face. Teacher training attendees arriving already! Next week will be C R O W D E D which means I'll have to get there early... which means practice might not be as consistent since The Husband started his new job and The Son will be out of school. I may just have to get The Nanny to come early so I can practice... is that so horrible?
I was excited to practice this morning. After 3 days off I just needed the mat today. I was happy that head to knees on the first pre-practice forward bend was easy... the hamstrings were happy to see the mat today too. My first four sun salutations felt easy... even Bs were relatively good... in fact, I did an extra B today just because. I'm really trying to figure out how to work with Tim during the Parivritta Trikonasana adjustment. It seems like he wants to draw my hip back as far as possible so I basically have to let go of it altogether, it then shifts back and he can pull it all the way back... he puts his elbow over my shoulder and twists me... if I bring my hand up a bit, he can turn me basically all the way over. Everytime I do this I wonder if I'm working with him on the adjustment correctly because it seems like I actually come out of the pose a bit...but I guess he'd correct me if that were true. Practice was great...my jump throughs felt awesome today (OKRGR? were they louder than I thought :>) Right before Kurmasana, OKRGR was at Supta Vajrasana and I saw him waiting for assistance. No one was around so I offered to help... Usually I hold the person's wrists or hands for this but OKRGR told me not to so I was just holding his knees down. I was pretty surprised because he didn't need that help, going down and back up on his own with me just keeping his knees down. When I was done he said to "Kurmasana is still there...." :) I actually liked Kurmasana today except that when I bound my hands then tried to move my feet in, my foot hooked on the edge of my mat and my mat got all twisted which then meant I had to let go a bit and then I didn't have a nice deep grip... finally Rich came and helped me get it back ... when the hamstrings are happy, that's a happy pose. I had a wonderful Setu Bandhasana today..it felt perfect.. my whole body was cooperating. I chose not to put something under my heels for Pasasana today. As I was doing it OKRGR (clearly he was next to me today) made a comment about me not needing something under my heels... well I don't to get bound.... but if I don't have something there then the effort is all in the balance whereas with something there I can really get a nice deep twist going on. Sometimes I really really want the twist and other times I feel like concentrating on the heels is more advantageous. I suppose that I shouldn't look at it that way... that I should always do the pose without a prop since it is possible. I'm still just struggling through Bhekasana. I think part of my problem might be pure embarrassment... I feel like I can't do this pose at all... although I did look at other people doing it today and they aren't getting as far up as I thought they were but I don't feel like I have *any* lift if I keep my heels down.
It's been like an hour since I started this post and I can't remember my train of thought. In the hour I've arranged to have some girls over for a flower reading at my house in a couple weeks. Hopefully I'll get enough really great women to show up (KIRAN!). I've also been officially contracted to be the yoga teacher at the conference in August. I'll be teaching 3 classes at 7am on T/W/TH of the conference. 45 minutes in length so they will definitely be intro. I'll need to have Kiran help me figure out *how* to teach them before then... I'm actually totally excited. Maybe what I can do is go watch Kiran teach a few times between then and now (?).
I've also managed to wrangle my way into having my boss pay for me to go to PDC this year... I'm totally psyched about it (and will have to find somewhere to practice in the mornings up there).
I have not heard anything from the insurance co :(
but I did get copies of these great pictures....
I just love this one:
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:46 AM | Comments (7)
June 13, 2005
Utilization Review Boards
The day never really got any better for me. I feel totally whacked out. My head feels like it is buzzing somewhere in orbit around Earth, my lower body feels heavy and burdened, my stomach has been nauseated but I don't feel sick. I feel like I'm detoxing actually but that's impossible because my diet hasn't been up to par, I've had wine and chocolate. I've promised myself mat time tomorrow even if I don't feel up to par. I can get away with excusing myself for two days with my moon for an excuse but anymore than that and I can't do it. I have to say though that I know something is going on because not only did I not practice today but I also have not once stretched today... truly unheard of for me. I'm talking nary a forward bend while cooking, watching the kids, etc. Bizarro World.
My tattoo is itching like you wouldn't believe. It's so tiny how could it itch? My new theory is that it is itching because I can't shave that portion of my leg and the hair growth itches. Yuck.
I got an email from the surgeon this afternoon... no answer. The surgeon has decided that our plan of attack should be that we both call everyday under the assumption that the squeaky wheel gets greased. Of course, they call and get to talk to people somewhere on planet of Utilization Review Board.... I call and I get to talk to the people swirling around in the abyss known as customer service. Of course every single customer service representative that I've spoken to gives me a new and different story. Today, the lovely Brenda told me that, according to my plan, I don't need authorization. I'm sure she heard me laughing all the way in New Jersery even without a telephonic mouth piece. Once questioned further she recognized the outstanding pre-certification request and informed me that the request had only been submitted on Friday. I let her know that, in fact, the request has been outstanding for quite some time and that the Utilization Review Board requested additional information on Friday which my surgeons provided within an hour. After being put on hold for 5 minutes she came back to the phone to acknowledge that, indeed, "there are a ton of notes" on my file. Really? I can't imagine. Near tears I hung up with her. I noted her sympathy as I was hanging up and she told me she understood but she could do nothing for me other than read the notes, I was not allowed to be passed over to the official offices of the Utilization Review Board because, well, I'm just a member. A few minutes of frustration later and I found my ovaries again. I called back, getting the fortunate Linda (whom I had spoken to on 6/1 as well) and explained the situation. In addition I explained that I was so very tired of having to call customer service and getting a different answer everytime I called and that what I really wanted was some sort of patient liasion who would assist me in working through this vast intricate network of the Utilization Review Board. Linda left for awhile to check my plan's allowance for a "case manager" (nice to know one's plan needs to include coverage to have someone actually work with you on your medical necessities) and when she returned she informed me that, yes, I did have coverage for such an entity as a case manager but that the request for a case manager would have to go through none other than the Utilization Review Board. Does it seem back-assed to anyone else that in order to find someone to help me make sense of the Utilization Review Board which is currently deciding the fate of my breasts that I have to go through the same board in order to get approval for such a person? So then the debate raged -- well if I ask for this, will that put off them making a decision about the mastectomy? If I ask for this will they see my name twice and know I'm a squeaky wheel who means business? If I ask for this will I be an annoyance and they'll deny me out of spite? In the end, I told Linda, to please submit whatever was necessary and she assured me a phone call back tomorrow.... I probably needn't say that I'm not holding my breath.
I'd like to say that I'm despondent and without hope but how can I be. On the one hand, with a surgery date within weeks, I have to maintain the mental outlook of a person who is choosing to have preventative mastectomy because I have to prepare myself for that eventuality. On the other hand, I'm also having to prepare myself for a denial of services by my insurance company... it's like being hot and cold at the same time. I have no idea which way to fortify my heart, my soul or my willpower. I have no idea which way to look, up or down, in or out. I just hope that whatever person is sitting there with my file making the decision recognizes that I haven't wished this for myself. I wish I was like the other "regular" women in the world who don't have to live with the hereditary fear of this disease or like those who are so new-aged out (nothing against them, I wish I had that blind faith at times) that they believe the power of the mind is enough to fight the genetics... but, I'm not.... and what I am is a woman who is at the end of a long rope and doesn't know whether to keep pulling up or simply let go. I'm a woman who has chosen a daring and drastic path in order to live with peace for myself and my family... the last thing I need is to worry about this mess we call insurance in this country... and, yet, here I am... another number... another anonymous Jane Doe with a file of notes sitting in front of some person who may or may not have medical training and who is more worried about the bottom line financially than about my long term health or sanity.
In good news, I decided today that even though I can't afford it at all I made reservations at The Fairmont Scottsdale Princess for myself and the kids for a couple days in two weeks. We're going to go and relax by the pool, hang out in our room, check out the waterslides, fish in the catch and release children's fishing lagoon and otherwise gel out, just the three of us at a luxury resort (okay, okay, in the hot ass Arizona heat of summer but whatever). I just need to look forward to something...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:07 PM | Comments (2)
Wierd Temperature Fluctuations
Yesterday I decided not to practice because it was the first day of my moon and I'm not having such a good one this month. I did something yesterday I haven't done since before having kids...that makes 7 years... I literally stayed in bed all day. I got up, showered, then laid on the bed watching lame ass reality TV (America's Top Model marathon on one of those channels that does that) and reading various books. The Husband took The Kids to his father's house (he does this every other Sunday but usually I'm at yoga the whole time they are gone) and then grocery shopping (he does all the Trader Joe's shopping, I do all the organic shopping at Jimbos) so I had most of the entire afternoon alone. It was wierd... but just what I needed as my body felt lifeless. Going to bed last night I set the alarm clock and woke up this morning at 5:50... this seems to be a pattern, getting up at 10 to 6 which is cool because that means my body is getting used to this early morning thing. I woke up, fooled around in my brain for awhile and decided not to practice. I'm glad I didn't. I don't know what is going on with me other than just a really bad moon day. My temperature is going haywire, I'm like feverish with no fever, my legs feel like they might split under me, my brain is barely coherent and I'm physically in some pain. I don't feel sick at all, The Husband says I'm not hot as in a fever at all. Maybe it's pure stress coming out of my skin?
I got an email from the surgeon's office this morning... the "case" is out with the medical director of the insurance company. Everyone keep all your positive thoughts going out into the universe as he's supposed to make his decision by tomorrow afternoon.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:13 AM | Comments (1)
June 11, 2005
Marooned (or Harpooned)
Last night I had the lovely opportunity to go to dinner with Kiran and then to the gong bath. The gong bath was great... a big gong and the vibrations just soared through the body. For the first 15 minutes I was floating, then the earth was vibrating under me... in waves... and I could feel these bands of constriction going from my arms down out my fingers, through my organs, down through my legs. It was wild... and then my organs seemed to constrict and things were good... until it got to my bladder and then it was like "OH GOD OH GOD I HAVE TO PEE!" and I mean PEE... I even considered the odds of just going right there on my mat...that's how bad it was. I fiddled with my brain for the next 15 minutes considering whether it was bad form to get up and interrupt the vibrational experience of everyone else by going to the bathroom. Finally, when done, I didn't want to jump up and then someone beat me... it was painful waiting. After I felt like I was in lala land for a good couple hours... just sorta out there, not on the planet, not really in my brain. It was great and I'd totally do it again. My description of it must have been spectacular because The Husband is totally into doing it next time too.
This morning was The Son's last baseball game. First, The Daughter and I went to the Nordstrom's half yearly women and children's sale. Now, I'm not much of a shopper but I have to say it was totally fun. The Daughter totally is a shopper. I bought this totally cute pair of Indian inspired shoes on sale, in turquoise, totally not my color so be prepared for me to wear an onslaught of turquoise so I can indulge in my shoes. The Daughter got a pair of Roxy jeans and two kitty shirts (shirts with pictures of cats on them) that she's in love with. We both changed in the car so we could wear our new things to the baseball game. The game was great...The Son has come so far. After, at the trophey ceremony, the coach described him as the child who had made the most improvement on the team. He's truly moved mountains this year.
I made a wonderful dinner this evening and while I was cooking my neighbor who got the tat came over for a glass of wine. I started my moon today, she is due to get hers tomorrow and we both just needed the PMS buzz... it was really nice to sit and talk to another woman while cooking, I used to do that, I don't do it anymore. She talked about people's reactions to her tat and we talked about judgments and people who feel secure with themselves, etc.
I've decided not to practice tomorrow. My moon is a killer this month. I need to start taking the Sepia again. It used to be that I couldn't practice during the first few days of my moon (and you aren't supposed to but everyone I know does...mhmm...maybe there's a reason you aren't supposed to), then I took the sepia and things got better (OKRGR is rolling his eyes...homeopathic stuff...right ;>) and now that I haven't taken it in awhile, things seem back to what they used to be... very painful.
Still nothing from the insurance company. I don't think I can cry anymore now... now I'm just hopeless which isn't good to be either. I'm trying to prepare myself for the eventuality that I won't be having surgery. What does that mean? How will I handle it?
I'm listening to Maroon5 again. I'm not usually one to go for the Top 40 hits but I have to say this is probably my favorite CD (do we call them CDs anymore..I only own it on iPod) in a long time. I feel a real energy from their music, very sexual, adult, beautiful. Someone stab me now.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:58 PM | Comments (3)
June 10, 2005
Glad I Did
I woke up this morning at 5:43. That's a good 20 minutes before the alarm clock usually goes off and I begin the debate of whether to go to yoga or not. I don't have this debate on T/TH because the later start time is easy to prepare for. This morning when I woke up I didn't guess but I hemmed and awed about whether if I got up right then I could eat something and have a better practice... it took 10 minutes of inner dialogue before I realized I didn't have any yogurt or granola left so it didn't matter anyway. I finally got out of bed, checked my email (hoping for something from the insurance company -- it wasn't there)... then thought "Hell, I could just skip practice today. I could go tomorrow. Tomorrow there is an Intro to 2nd class at the "other" ashtanga studio." Then I realized that what I am is into the routine now but my mind is fighting it. My body is waking up, getting up and my mind is fighting the fact that I now have what, technically is a daily Mysore practice. OMG can you believe that? This time last year I was begging to find a way to get to Mysore just once a week and now all these things are different in my life. I practice daily (except weekends because we don't do Mysore here on the weekends) and I've changed my lifestyle dramatically to do it. My husband is a yoga-widower, my children are pretty used to it and wouldn't complain but would probably rather have me home. But my mind just hasn't gotten into the groove of acceptance. My inner will gets me there and I guess, hell, even my discpline, but my brain fights it all the way.
Despite thinking I'd have a crappy practice as my early morning practices tend to be a lot stiffer and with a lot less energy, I had a great practice today. My phone rang at the end of standing. Normally if I know I need to have my phone with me I turn the sound off but I've been sitting on pins and needles waiting for the insurance company to call and so I had it on low... when it rang I nearly peed my pants I was so nervous (and embarrassed - Tim just laughed). Turned out to be The Husband needing information on the arrangements for the day... The only place I really suffered was in Baddha Konasana but, then again, I just backed way off it today. The mysterious pain is back and all of Guruji's shakti appears to have been used up. Interestingly enough, if I setup for the pose, then lift up my hips and lean far forward, I can get my chin to the ground then rotate my hips back down and things are fine... it's whatever the hinge is when I try to enter this without the lift and extension out that is painful. I really really like Dhanurasana but I'm having a very difficult time in Parsva Dhanurasana trying to figure out how to roll over my hip bone. I mentioned this yesterday but today was even worse. My hip bones protude massively and I have very little skin covering them. When I'm in the pose they dig into the mat and hurt and then when I try to rock over them it hurts even worse... like back off buddy that isn't a good feeling. It isn't the rolling itself that is difficult it's the pain in my hip bone until I get over. Always one thing. In other wierd news, the Prasaritas are becoming quite difficult for me suddenly... in my ankles. What's that about? Isn't it funny how your body ebbs and flows... something easy becomes something you dread... something hard suddenly clicks. I dreaded backbends again today. I had to wait a long time for Tim to be ready to help me with backdrops. On the last one I was squeezing his legs (or maybe it is one leg) as hard as I could and he was pushing down on my quads and then he just kept pushing down on them to indicate to come up. I got up and he said "Good...you are finding your legs!" I wanted to say "Yea, my legs have been here all along but it's COORDINATION I'm lacking!" I suppose, however, that my ego realizes he knows more than I do and finding my legs is probably about letting go of the idea of coordination. Wish it were that easy. After practice I apologized for my phone, went to Starbucks to get a caffeine fix for myself and The Nanny and sit here willing myself to have the same discipline and energy for work because I have a lot of it!
Looks like I'll be going to Atlanta in the next couple of weeks. I'm bummed there is no Mysore in Atlanta. None. There's some led classes but no Mysore :( :( :( :( I am a Mysore addict and dread the thought of led classes anymore.
Tonight is my gong bath with Kiran and I'm very excited... I hope it clears my energy somewhat.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:35 AM | Comments (2)
June 9, 2005
What Would You Do?
Every August I take the family and go to a large conference for the legal tech industry. It's nice because the conference is always at a large resort that is generally on the 4 or more stars scale. Last year I spoke at the conference which was great, this year I haven't chosen that roll because I have no idea what shape I'll be in if this insurance nightmare actually ever gets resolved. I should be fine since they said I can go back to all my regular activities within 6 weeks but I didn't want to put the pressure of actually having to create the session and practice it on myself. So this evening I got an email from a coordinator of the conference. Last year, if you remember, a thread got started on the listserv about exericising and I made a joke that I'd be the lone wierdo outside at 6am practicing yoga. That joke turned into a huge number of people asking if I'd show them how to do yoga. In the end, the heat got to most people and only a couple showed up but there was interest. Apparently, the coordinators of the conference took note of the thread, the interest and watched some of it and emailed me this evening telling me that they are interested in having organized yoga this year at the conference and would I want to be involved in getting that setup and even teaching it. YIKES. I emailed her back to be very clear that I only know ashtanga yoga. I think it would be great fun but I have absolutely no confidence in myself as a teacher, I've never taught and I have no aspiring goals of being a teacher for right now because I don't believe that I'm ready. On the other hand, I have taken a teacher training, I practice yoga with regularity, I know a lot about it and I could probably lead people through an easy ashtanga based class... say some standing (none of the scary ones :>), seated without the scary ones... So I don't know what to say... What would you say?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:56 PM | Comments (7)
Body Intelligence
I think I actually slept through the night last night. Pretty damned amazing. When I woke up this morning I had an email from the surgeon's office. Apparently the insurance company now wants to know if any of the cancer diagnosis were accompanied by a positive gene test. I sorta thought this might come up... it's just that gene testing is so not an exact science right now that it really shouldn't matter in the grand picture of my family history. In so going over this history with my provider I discovered that they didn't quite have the family history right... don't know if that will help or not. We haven't had the gene test between my mother and I because we can't get an insurance company to pay for it. They can't test me without testing my mom and we've had 3 insurance companies refuse her the test even after four doctors and one genetic Ph.D. have indicated that a positive result for her would change her medical care for the future (i.e., were she positive, they'd recommend completely hysterctomy). The test for the two of us would cost more than $7000 and my understanding is that because of my paternal history, a negative test result wouldn't make me a true negative anyway.... By the time I left for yoga this morning I was truly sick to my stomach and I wasn't sure if I should, could even practice but I knew I needed to practice.
I started out on the front of my mat with a really long prayer to Tara (not sure why this was but that's what came out) to just let everything be healthy and okay. My hamstrings are always a lot happier on T/TH (probably due to the later time for Mysore and eating before going). Practice was cruising along when the door opened and an angry woman called Tim over. I could only grab bits and pieces of what she said but essentially she was the owner of the store next door and, apparently, another fragile piece of merchandise had been broken sometime between last night and this morning. She has her wall display on one of the walls of the studio and so we've all been asked to not use that wall for things like handstands. I haven't seen anyone use it in Mysore so maybe in one of the evening classes someone used it but, however, she was mad. All I could think of was "SHUT THE DOOR all the cold air is getting in!!!" Shortly thereafter Tim left for awhile and came back smiling. I got the impression from his next comments that the owner of the store next door was doing anything but smiling. No one was near the wall the entire class that I saw... I bet tomorrow there'll be notes on the wall :)
I did jump throughs through the whole practice today as I felt a lot stronger (I think that's the food issue). I felt really good through the practice actually... I got my legs way further up on my shoulders for Kurmasana but I've been having a problem with this pose lately in that my right wrist doesn't like how it feels when I'm in it... if I turn my hand so the palm is up it's fine but keeping my palm down seems to really tweak out my wrist. What a wierd problem, eh? Since my legs were straight and far up, I had no problems binding the hands first for Supta Kurmasana then wiggling my feet together, then crossing the ankles... the problem here is still with the anklets... boy do they hurt if you don't get your ankles cross at exactly the right angle as well as the new tattoo getting way too far stretched out and feeling like it's going to rip open. I haven't been able to pull off a good exit into Titibhasana in quite a long time... partly because the mats have been close together and I don't want to nail my neighbors with my very long legs and partly because I don't seem to be able to get the lift I used to be able to get (this is called ICE CREAM ASS). Today in Upavishta Konasana I finally figured out what is going on... my left hip is fine, my right hip is slightly pulling up and that's causing me to have to keep my chest off the ground. While in the pose today I was really struggling with it, trying to get my chest down again as it used to be so easy.... Tim was next to me and saw my struggle, he came and held my hips down which evened them out and felt awesome. Man my body is just having things pop up and out in all different places but no wonder given all the stress I'm holding in it.
I opted today to do Pasasana with something under my heels so that I could get the twist. I can't get the twist so much without something under the heels because then I have to struggle with balance. I didn't get bound to the wrist but I still had a nice twist which I really needed. While I was doing Shalabhasanas I heard someone that I know ask for a pose. I've seen this person ask for a pose before so I just assumed she would get the next pose but instead Tim had her do the prior pose again. I couldn't hear what was said but the pose was Bhekasana and when she was done I could hear that he said when she could do some more of some action on her own then she could move on. Well I think her Bhekasana is way way better than mine from a physical standpoint so I wonder what the action was. I suppose I shouldn't analyze it that much. While he was doing this I was to Bhekasana and Kiran, next to me, was doing some sort of backbendy thing from second so I waited for one of the two of them to be done...then felt like an idiot after having witnessed him telling another person that she couldn't have the next pose, I can barely get Bhekasana on my own and need help... Perhaps I should have quickly done Bhekasana while he was away so as not to show my own inept ability... but he's moved me on to the next one a couple weeks ago so... Maybe the rhyme or reason is individual rather than all physical though? The next one being Dhanurasana which I really enjoy and feel like I get nice good lift on that pose.. it seems to turn my shoulders in a direction they aren't used to being turned and really stretch them out on it... I dig it. It's probably my favorite pose right now. I have a much harder time with Parsva Dhanurasana but not because it is physically challenging but I'm still trying to figure out this pose. First, I have a slightly different time rolling...it seems like my hip gets in the way of simply rolling over and I have to get enough OOOMPH to get over the bone sticking into the mat. Once I get over, I never have enough space between myself and my neighbor to feel like I can really stretch my feet back even though I have my arms straight. I'm also trying to get used to the position of the head.
My backbends felt okay today...better than yesterday that's for sure. On the last one Tim came to help me up. He put his hands at the base of my quads and said "1...2.." then I was up. When he had done this I was mentally unprepared (where was 3?) so I had a wierd look on my face, apparently. He asked what and I said that sometimes I have to figure out what they are doing when they do that. He told me that the object is NOT to figure anything out... that I needed to let my body's intellligence take over. I told him it was more like aerobics... that I have to figure out which way I'm going. He repeated that this is about letting go of the mental thoughts... and letting my body figure it out. AH we say! Really? :)
After backbends and finishing poses I got to Padmasana and said some prayers. My prayers were along the lines of "Please make this thing with the insurance work out. If I put it out in the universe, it will happen..." Right down to "Whatever is meant to happen will happen.... take it as it comes... this is going to work out." In Utplithi and while in the middle of it (I can only hold it for like 10 breaths and the new tattoo hates this pose so I haven't been holding it long lately) I felt tears. I laid down in Savasana... towel over my eyes... and about two minutes into it just started sobbing, quietly. I was really trying to control the sobbing so I wouldn't disturb everyone else but I was just sobbing. I'm so stressed... all of this waiting is too much for me and the mental chaos stemming from it is overwhelming. Part of me hopes to think that I started sobbing because the yoga helped me release something in there...some of the stress... hopefully. I thought I had it under control so I took the towel off and discovered Tim was next to me helping Kiran... of course, I guess I didn't have it under control so I sat holding my knees with my eyes closed trying to get myself together. At some point Kiran noticed me and, bless her beautiful heart, just sat and whispered words of encouragement in my ear. I really really needed it. I really needed someone to sit and tell me things I knew but I needed to hear it... I needed to just hear a voice. Kiran is my angel.
I managed to cry all the way home... maintained through getting my caffeine fix at Starbucks. I got home to a boatload of work to get done ASAP, news that I have to go to Atlanta in a couple weeks and nothing from the insurance company. The woman at the plastic surgeon's office has bee incredible. She told me she is fighting for me (and that she wishes she could put this on the 5o'clock news to shame the insurance company into paying). I don't know what I'll think to do if it is denied. The Husband's suggestion is that since I get so many hits on naked y*ga and dr*nk moms that perhaps I should take a bunch of naked dr*nk y*ga pictures and start charging people to look at them ;) I doubt we'd come up with the 50 grand or so it would take though...
Today I am so glad for my practice. As stressed as I am... I can't imagine where I'd be without yoga.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:08 PM
June 8, 2005
Good News Follow-Up
After I posted last, I cancelled the trip to Seattle I was supposed to do today. Eh, long story but, essentially, the timing was all wrong for multiple reasons and I just didn't have the emotional wherewithall to make it through the class I was supposed to give. The Husband and I had a huge row this morning after practice... HUGE. Fortunately the kids were both gone because I screamed at him and he yelled at me. Then we couldn't even speak for a couple hours. We finally came together -- beginning with me very calmly saying my peace and him not saying a word back... then him waiting about a half hour and coming in with his peace. We finally worked it out enough that we both felt somewhat heard though not feeling like we've found the band-aid yet but, heck, at least we're talking. We took the kids to the pool this evening, I sat reading (can't get the new ink in the pool yet!) and then we went out to Red Robin (egad, but it pleases the kids). While we were there we somehow got on the subject of multiplication with The Son. He's amazing. They've been learning addition and subtraction but he's sorta figured out multiplication all on his own somehow. He's really only got the even numbers down but, boy howdy, how cool is that. So after quizzing him on a bunch of even numbers I threw in the idea of division and I can't believe how quickly he picked it up. He was diving 10/5 very fast... it has taken him awhile to figure out some of the other numbers but he's got the concept and it's pretty cool. He's definitely a kid with my brain. My stomach has been feeling sorta crampy (I remember that I had my moon with the last full moon which must mean it is coming soon) so when we got home, I laid the seat back in the car and laid there for a couple minutes. The Son came in and put the other seat back and told me he had cramps and then we had the most wonderful conversation. I told him that when I was a little girl one of my favorite games to play was to get a mirror and hold it up so that the ceiling was reflected in it... I'd hold it up like that while I walked and pretend that I walked on/living on/in the ceiling. After I told him this he told me how he likes to turn himself upside down when he's outside and pretend the sky is beneath him so he has to grab onto the trees and whatever is around so he doesn't fall. I love hearing stuff like this, it brings you so close to your soul.
My neighbor's tattoo has brought up lots of conversation for the past 24 hours. I do live in Suburbia-Stepford-Ville and some of the women here were not exactly smiling at the idea of her getting a tattoo -- afterall she's one of them. I've never been one of them and me getting a tattoo, well, that's just Julie, out there on the fringe with the tats, the nose piercing, the yoga stuff... but for my neighbor, people actually felt the need to tell her that they felt "disappointed" in her. What does that mean? Why would someone be disappointed in another adult for choosing to get a tattoo? Does it say something about her as a person? Is he less moral? Hold her family less dear? What is it? It's been tripping me out now for the whole day. Another lady said she didn't want her daughter to see it (has never said that about me when her daughter's been around by the way). My neighbor called me to tell me how much she loves it and how supportive her husband has been saying screw anyone who doesn't like it, they're they're own family. I am still just dumbfounded about the reaction. I mean, I get reaction a lot and I'm quite used now to the types of attitudes people have about tattoos. Living where I live it's quite common for me to get stares, nasty looks, some curious questions, etc. about mine but, for some reason, everyone just thinks "Oh there she goes again." To see "one of their own" mark her body in this way has caused quite the stir and it totally trips me out. Anyway... it's been fun listening to and trying to get a feel for what spins people out and I'm really glad my neighbor likes the tat.
Since practice isn't 'til 9 tomorrow, I'm going to go find some anti-inflammatory and gel out a bit. It's been a long emotional day!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:16 PM | Comments (10)
Turn The Car Around
I spent the entire 10 minutes after the alarm went off, right up til after driving into the parking lot, sitting in my car for a few minutes saying "I should just turn around and go home." The other half of my brain told myself I should just have the discpline I want to have and quit whining. Eh, maybe the whining will stop someday.
The Husband and I got into another huge fight last night. I swear the idea of having my own apartment just to see how he would work out the details for awhile sounds like heaven. Basically, the gist of life is that The Husband has started his new job and though I've asked a few times, he refuses to give me a set schedule saying, instead, that I need to be flexible. Well, flexibility is great and all... and, sure, I can put a foot behind my head, with help even two... but I've also got a full-time job and between us we have two children who have full lives. I respect that his employment requires him to be places and that the routine may not be the same every week but I can't believe that it is too much to ask that we have a schedule that we start from and try to stick to and be flexible when we cannot. Instead he wants to send me his schedule on Friday evenings for the following week. What does this make me? It makes me dependent on him to plan my own life out and that of our children. Essentially, he wants no responsibility to our family unless and until he chooses it's appropriate for his life. Now he argues with this and says that's not what he's saying but, you know, I don't see another way to say it other than I'm at his mercy. Normally I plan things for the next week during the week... if I don't know which way is up until Friday evening, shit, I can't even give The Nanny a schedule within 48 hours of when I might need her. I can't understand how he cannot see this. I don't mind working. I don't mind working full-time even. I even don't mind that I maintain this peon job because I can't take one that pays me what I'm worth (because those jobs don't allow flexibility)... but I draw the line at being at his beck and call. I told him if I moved out then the courts would make him come up with a schedule and what would he do then. We haven't spoken since.
I got an email from the plastic surgeon this morning... I swear the insurance nightmare just grows and grows... *now* the insurance company needs more information from the plastic surgeon... but, wait, you say, two days ago the reconstruction was an approved portion of the pre-certification. Yes, I know... I have no idea. In the meantime, I'm on pins and needles and completely stressed out.
Practice today was eh-so-so. My hamstrings were pretty tight. I got an adjustment today in Utthita Parsvakonasana. This is my second dreaded pose in the practice. This is the only other pose where my hip is in agony just like in Mari C. It is in the bent knee hip way deep in there. Tim came to adjust me (because my horrible version of it doesn't look remotely correct) so I told him that this was the other place where the "hip" acts up. He said "Engage your mula bandha.... okay, how about keeping uddhiyana bandha?" Yea, not so good with those bandhas am I? Once we got past that, he held my hip with a lot of force like he does in Mari C and that really helped. This pose used to be pretty easy for me (just like Mari C) and it appears that whatever is in that hip isn't moving anyway anytime soon. When I came out he told me that I should back off it a bit so that I'm not in pain... I told him when I do that I can't get my hand flat... so he told me not to worry about that...just to keep away from the edge of the pain. Mhmm... will have to see how that works out tomorrow. I think I was a little too aggressive with the new tattoo yesterday because it seemed to split some after yesterday's practice so I tried to be more gentle with it today. I didn't manage to get into lotus and keep it for all the lotus postures today so maybe healing has started already. Nothing else of interest to note... except that for the past two days I've been practicing next to Kiran and when I do, I get done super fast. On all the other days when I tried to get done super fast, I didn't but I haven't even been trying and here I am getting done with my second series poses (not including finishing) in an hour and a half. It doesn't feel like I'm moving fast and I'm not skipping vinyasa at all... *shrug* who knows.
I promise someday my blog will be something more than the pathetic little whine it has been lately... seems I'm dealing with more stress than I'm used to dealing with and, apparently, not coping so well. Kiran is taking me to a gong bath on Friday night though... maybe the vibrational healing will lift me to new levels.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:13 AM | Comments (5)
June 7, 2005
Ink in the Air
I got up for practice this morning sorta dreading the post-3-day-vacation stiffness. In all actuality, it wasn't that bad... a few sun salutations and I was good to go. I was practicing next to Kiran today which always means I have good vibes from one side. Today was a little wierd though -- lots of new people in the room and one woman who was doing some very loud breathing close to me. My practice was nice and strong and pretty fluid... I got to Garbha Pindasana and realized that I had the tattoo done wrong! :) You see the tattoo is on my right inner ankle which means, what, ashtangis? It means that the right leg goes into lotus first and the left leg goes overtop of it... so today that didn't feel so good. As I was struggling to find a place to put my left ankle over the right ankle so that I wasn't digging a new hole in the tattoo I entertained the idea of skipping it... only Tim was watching this with amusement... and then questioned me, "Why not doing?" "It hurts!" "What hurts?" So I show him the tattoo and he says "Oh another new tattoo, well, let's just make this fast." So he pulls my arms through (ouch) then plops me backwards (oh surprise) then rolls me around quickly as I'm wincing from the pull on the tattoo... then up into Kukkutasana and finally I'm free. I've been really struggling in Konasana lately... it seems like maybe I overstretched whatever the connection is between my hamstring and my groin for it hurts pretty badly back there... I can get my head down, chin down..but getting the chest flat isn't as easy anymore. Just another place to focus the breath. The rest of pra