facing inward

« April 2005 | Main | June 2005 »

May 31, 2005

Freak Out

I'm having a slight panic attack right now. I just got a phone call from my old Oncologist's office telling me that the mastectomy was not approved by my insurance. Why they called to get approval, I don't know... we never even scheduled a surgery date. The insurance apparently told them that they only approve mastectomy for patients with a cancer diagnosis. I'm now freaking out... I don't think the New York doctors have asked for authorization yet (I believe they wait to be within 30 days) although when I look up my member services online, I can see that the hospital that I will be at has a referral/authorization that says it was approved for "1" unit (what that means I don't know). Of course, since the company is back east, I can't talk to a person. On the one hand, it seems like if they approved the hospital admittance, they must have needed to know what it was for. On the other hand, the way insurance works, I had an idea that it wasn't going to be this easy. Everyone assured me it would but I didn't think so. So now I'm in tears and I'm freaking out. I wish I could see the actual medical policy for the insurance but, of course, they don't even give that to you anymore. I can find Blue Cross of California's policy which requirements I fully meet. The problem is that even though my insurance card says BlueCross of California, actually, my plan is through Blue Cross Blue Shield of New Jersey. This sucks.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:48 PM | Comments (3)

Tighter Than A Tightwad

I woke up at 3am last night to this faint but distinct sound that I hadn't heard in quite awhile. I jostled with the covers, I wondered if it was the ice machine again before it finally dawned on me that it was sobbing I was hearing and it was coming from The Daughter's room. I ran in to find her wide-eyed, clutching a Care Bear (Rainbow Bear to be exact), breath torn and ragged, tears on the cheeks. She was scared of the dark. For what reason on this night she decided to react to it, I don't know but what I do know is that something in the cosmos must be completely against me ever getting a solid night's sleep ever again. I finally get The Daughter in her own bed, The Husband is up every night because of the knee. The Husband got the immobilizer released by the Physical Terrorist (pun courtesy of Gwadzilla) so he slept last night... The Daughter is up. Do you think they are conspiring? :)

I got up at 7, ate my 5 tablespoons of yogurt (The Husband has decided that this is slightly obsessive of me), checked my work email to find out that I had an emergency... and there went the idea of an extra half hour of sleep. *sigh* What I noticed when I was sitting at my computer dealing with said emergency was that my entire upper back was locked up. I don't know what the muscles are but if you were to lift your elbow toward the air and move your arm backward, whatever muscle that is. WOW... just completely painful. I'm assuming this must be from Dhanurasana because I didn't do anything with that part of my body yesterday (other than the sleep thing which definitely has an effect on my body parts). I did play with Ustrasana last night but that's all thigh work. Of course, I get the bright idea that I can sit in the spa for 15 minutes before practice.... only to find it drained.

At this point in the early of the day I'm beginning to think the cards are stacked against me :) Regardless, off to practice The Daughter and I go. She's learning the Sanskrit names of poses. So far, the one she knows off the top of her head is Marichyasana (ah, definitely the fruit of my loins). Surprisingly, she can't do that pose. Other poses she's close to memorizing are Dhekasana (airplane), Trikonasana (triangle), Simhasana (lion), Baddha Konasana (butterfly), Setu Bandhasana (bridge -- this is what Baron Baptise's book calls it).... The ritual has become that we get to yoga, she sits outside on the step with me and asks me "Which pose next mommy?" She then demonstrates the pose to whomever is in the vicinity. Once the doors open for class, she picks my spot and rolls out my mat and then needs to do a couple poses on the mat. Today she did a handstand (against the wall) and a backbend. She then runs to The Nanny and off they go :)

Practice started off a little rough... Both Tim and Rich have been "adjusting" my downward dog. What they do is move my torso a bit to the left. It's wierd because when they do it, I'm assuming in an attempt to make my alignment correct, I feel like I'm definitely leaning towards the left. It puts torque on my wrists and I feel like I'm listing to the one side... it also feels like my arms on the left are bearing more weight than the other. Today Tim came to adjust me but I guess I helped too much when he was doing the alignment adjustment and we both almost fell out of it. Once I got a few sun salutations into practice things were looking better for my body. I felt sorta tired but knew I could pull out a practice regardless. I noted that today was one of those days when it appeared the eyes were watching for the tiny infractions we all might make. A nudge here to straighten the knee, a comment there about exiting correctly. Makes you stand on your toes more than normal I guess. So when I was doing Hanumanasana I wasn't surprised when Tim adjusted my hips. On the first side, they appeared to go even pretty easily and I got ground. On the second, Tim struggled with me to get the hip even and then said "Not going today?" But as soon as he walked away I was able to pop it into place... and it was like a pop... it was wierd. I got a new adjustment in Utthita Hasta Padangusthasnaa... normally after the side, we come back to forward and the adjustment is into Trivikrmasana but today Rich put my ankle on his shoulder and had me come forward more. It was interesting because it took more balance from me but it definitely didn't have the stretch that I regularly get in Trivikrmasana. I got another interesting adjustment that I don't think I've ever had before. This time it was in Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottansana. Tim pushed my non bound shoulder all the way down, in turn really smashing my front and it felt awesome. I don't get much attention in that pose usually since the binding is not a problem and I always find it interesting when I get an adjustment I've never had before.

As I moved through the practice, myself and the girl next to me were pretty much going through the flow together. Her sons (twins) were in The Son's class last year, they are on the same baseball team this year, etc. I noticed Tim watching us as we were moving through the Marichyasana series. After a couple poses he said "You're supposed to coordinate your outfits too." I really wanted to respond "No, I'd need to have her bandhas and biceps to be even close!" Instead I said "Yea, I don't wear purple very well." :) He told her "You'll also need a couple tattoos."

The rest of my practice was pretty good... though we were in tight and I nailed the girl next to me as she was coming out of a vinyasa and I was bringing my leg back up in Supta Parsavsahita. I've been really paying attention to not using anything under the heels in Pasasana, today it was a sauna again and the sweat was dripping off me, I tried to bind to my wrist and got it but couldn't keep it so Tim tried to help me... we were twisting... then the sweat, I just couldn't hold the bind and I flew out of it, almost knocking him over. We tried the other side, my "bad" side, and same issue. Oh well, he didn't make me redo it. My Krounchasana is starting to feel a lot more natural. I still feel like I'm just flat as a rock in Bhekasana but I usually get an adjustment in it to help. Today I specifically watched JMS do the Dhanurasana sequence. I read David Swenson's book last night and was a bit confused about what the sequence is exactly. The first Dhanurasana felt great... I rolled to the side much easier today but got a bit confused... it feels like the knees want to come apart a bit but I wasn't sure if I was supposed to do that. It also feels a bit harder to get the bow effect but I guess that's expected. After the first side, I rolled to center, lifted and rolled to the left. I then came back and held for another 5 breaths then Tim adjusted me, pulling my shoulders all the way back so that I was literally up on top of my pubic bone (which, frankly, hurt) and then he pulled my arms back and out... it felt great but I certainly can't hold that all by myself. Backbends were grueling today... the shoulder issue... seems to be the only place I really felt it today. It was different however because Rich did my dropbacks and he does them entirely different than Tim. Instead of really helping me alot, he pushes on my lower thighs and then helps me up from there. It seems a lot easier but I have no idea how much he's helping me.

Today was our last practice at The Best Western. Tomorrow we start practice at the new temporary studio. It will be nice to be back in a yoga studio instead of the dungeon. Hopefully my body will loosen up because my back is feeling so tight and sore right now. It's amazing how adding one single pose can wreak havoc on you!!!!

In other news, last night, ahem, The Husband and I were practicing our marriage obligations ;) and I decided to try and see what a difference bandhas can make in the yoga of marriage :) I thought The Husband was going to flip out. It was cool to finally show him what a "bandha" was but it was hard, I admit, to keep it engaged for lengthy periods of time. I can't believe I'm posting this but it is yoga related afterall. ;)

I hope we get the spa filled up today... I need some relief. Maybe this is why people talk about taking Motrin. Maybe I should try it.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:41 AM | Comments (2)

May 30, 2005

Journey To Enlightment

So, are there really yogis out there that just show up, do their practice and go on about their day? No, seriously, I know it can't be any of you that are reading this because, well, the people who just show up and do their practice and move on through life wouldn't be reading about yoga, right?

I ate a bowl of ice cream tonight... and I just have to say that Ben & Jerry's, the kind with the fudge truffle "core" is like freakin' amazing.

The Husband informed me today that, in lieu of being able to surf for awhile, he's decided to take up bike riding again. He was a bike rider when we met, mountain biking in particular. I remember that his buddies would call at ungodly hours like 6am to tell him where the hook up was that day and Sunday was the worst... that was sometimes earlier. I also remember just how much bikes cost. He tells me that this time he isn't buying a mountain bike... that he's gonna get into "fitness riding" but "fitness riding" isn't what it sounds like. Apparently, fitness riding is as much a genre of bicycling as the single gear doohickey that Cameron and Neti have been recently jiving on. I saw the gleam in his eye when he told me that our neighbor just bought a $2k bike. I wonder where this will lead us.

Off to curse my lack of restraint (the Ben & Jerry's I mean) and berate myself for my weakness (*:>*)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:47 PM | Comments (4)

Opening The Pects

Saturday night was a lovely party at an ashtangi's house... it was really nice to spend some time outside the shala with other yogis, talk to Tim outside of yoga, meet new people... The head cold that has been making it's way around the shala seemed to have found me but I was keeping it at bay... then I woke up Sunday morning and thought "No way!" So I skipped practice (well, truth be told, my mom had the kids overnight so we could go to the yoga party and it's been so long since we were able to a) sleep in and b) go have breakfast together that we opted for that instead of getting up and doing our respective physical activities). The Husband and I went to Swami's cafe and had a nice brunch (except I had way too much coffee) then drove the hour to my mom's house to get our children and have dinner. We played travel bingo on the way home -- it's amazing the stuff you see on the road when you are paying complete attention to the details.

Last night The Husband asked me if we could "start over" when we woke up this morning. We have not only not been getting along but we both seriously thought our marriage was actually falling off the precarious branch it's been sitting on. I'm not sure it isn't halfway off but, for right now, I feel like there is little choice than to keep turning over a new leaf and trying again... maybe, at some point, we'll get out of the vicious cycle. With the idea of starting over in mind I got up at 6am, remarked to myself that I don't even flinch anymore at waking up early, it's a part of my life (and, as my best friend, D, will tell you, this is HIGHLY HUGELY a large change for me). I figured I should leave a few minutes early today being a holiday and all. A holiday means that all of the people who don't regularly get to do Mysore will show up... and boy did they. I got there 15 minutes early and all the wall space was already gone. I noted that people who don't normally practice Mysore had given themselves lots of room between mats and, finally, taking a note from those individuals who make their own space, I went and put my mat down between two of them (they never did make anymore space for me but, that's okay, because by the time class go going, we were wall to wall people including in front and behind (if you weren't against the wall)).

My practice today was beautiful... just one of those really focused, nice, internal practices. All the pain of last week seemed to have disappeared (I'd venture to guess the pain was due to muscle aches from being sick rather than real pain) and my flow was pretty good. The room was a freakin' sauna with all those people in it which was really nice. It was hard for Tim and Rich to get in and do adjustments given the space between people but I did get a few here and there... actually some nice ones. It was impossible to do jump-throughs today -- that's what happens when you are 6' tall and there is wall to wall mats. Tim came to help me on my bad side in Mari C today... and when I set up for it I got this searing pain in my hip... he was like "Oh pain?" but I fiddled around and finally got it to a good spot... then coming out it seared again. It was really wierd. Then it just went away. I had a really hard time binding in Pasasana because I had so much sweat on arms and hands that I could get a grip at all... that was the first time that ever happened to me. I got done with Bhekasana and did my usual take a few breaths and prepare myself both mentally and physically for backbends (probably more mental than physical if I stop and think about it). Tim was across from me helping someone and said "Julie, let's add two poses today, open up the pects." I was very happy! So I added Dhanurasana and Parsva Dhanurasana today. Dhanurasana I love... it is just the best feeling in the entire world. After doing Dhanurasana Tim instructed me "Vinyasa, now up to Dhanurasana, inhale, exhale over...take 5 breaths. Inhale center... exhale over...5 breaths... come back and hold it." During this last part he gave me a wonderful adjustment, pulling my shoulders all the way back, I felt like I was floating and I could have hung out there for awhile... one of those poses that takes little exertion from me physically and allows me to really be at that edge without the mental anguish of the harder poses for me. Tim did one of his grunts, a good grunt or a bad grunt I have no idea for I have no idea how successful I was physically at this pose but I absolutely relished the feeling of it. Parsva Dhanurasana was a bit wierd... first, it was really crowded so I didn't have much space to turn into. Then I wasn't sure just how much of an arch I was supposed to be striving for, I knew to keep my arms straight but I felt like I could have gone a bit further than I was. I had a hard time getting over at first and had to use one of my knees to help me along. After I was done Tim told me to start backbends... and I have to say WOW, what a difference in the openness of my shoulders after that. Again, just like Shalabasana, my backbends felt easier and much more open. In fact, I stayed in the first 3 backbends for full 5 breaths each without struggling which is unusual for me. When Tim helped me up from my last backbend to do dropbacks I said "Wow... the helps right here (pointing to chest) so much" and he smiled and nodded "Yep!"

There's a huge part of me today that is so lit up about my practice and so alive and so excited about the physical experience and the degree of concentration it affords me that I wish I could cancel my surgery and just keep moving forward. I can't imagine what this surgery will do to the open feeling in my pect area but I do imagine it will be awhile before I can really stretch it as open as it goes today (of course, maybe OKRGR or Laproxdoc will have an idea -- with the scar tissue, can you stretch it... I know I can't use the pect muscles for awhile but can I stretch them?). I know this is silly... that now is the time to do this... that my yoga practice will come back... that this is all part of my path and my mountains to climb... but, man, I really am loving these second series poses, they make my mind go to different places.

Now I'm here working... we are moving our servers over to a new redundant cluster today... no vacation here. The sun is shining, its a beautiful day and I'm feeling warm and open... starting over?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:27 AM | Comments (2)

May 27, 2005

Breath The Only Friend

My best friend and I went down to House of Blues last night to see Peter Murphy. He went on over an hour later than was expected and I knew then that practice was over even though I only had half a beer at the show. It's okay, Peter Murphy is worth it. He walked on stage with a Cockatoo haircut, bleached blonde, he looked a bit old but, actually, pretty good. The nice thing about House of Blues is it is a small venue, unlike the last time I saw Peter, so we were pretty close even though we stayed near the back. He played a few songs from Unshattered, the CD is okay, not like Dust or Holy Smoke or anything. He played a few of his popular hits like Sweetest Drop but he didn't go so far as to play Cuts You Up (even though the two big burley dudes behind me kept yelling at him for it) -- I believe he did this for the final encore but I wasn't interested in hearing it and we left knowing it was the last song. The show was good but I wouldn't have said it was amazing at this point. He's very theatrical and his voice is like a sound from heaven, the most alluring, sexy, male voice on the planet in my book. They left the stage and back came Peter with his own guitar and that's where the show took flight. When I saw the guitar I thought "The best way for this show to go would be Strange Kind of Love." And Strange Kind of Love it was. My best friend, D, was standing in front of me and I felt kinda of silly because I had this sorta wierd moment when he started playing it. That song was originally the song that The Husband and I were going to play for our first dance at our wedding. We ended up nixing it because, well, it isn't exactly your typical wedding song and it can be interpreted in a few ways. As I listened I realized just how perfect that song would have been... and how perfect that song is right now today in the here. One of the reasons for liking Peter Murphy's music is that it is, in so many ways, some of the most deeply spiritual music I know. It's also very deep and dark... alive... and free all at the same time. So, Strange Kind of Love and I was happy... I could go home... until he busted it out. I didn't think he'd play it but he did... my favorite Peter Murphy song... and after the theatrics he just played it... and he sang his heart out... watching him do Hit Song is the reason to see Peter Murphy live. The man is simply amazing.

So now we've talked about the show, the other show was people watching. The crowd was, well, different. Sure, sure, you had the 30 year old throw-back goth Queens (male and female)... the girls in their black bone corsets done up like Elvira, the boys in their long velvet coats with painted faces. Strangely enough, there were also quite a few older people that looked like parents (now I realize I'm a parent but I don't think I necessarily can be pegged for a parent when out without my kids), in fact, even some very older people there. Lots of trendy girls. Lots of boys that clearly were there for the trendy girls. When the music starts you get a clear picture of people's intentions:

-- There's the people who rush the stage (yes, even at a Peter Murphy show).

-- There's the two girls who stood in front of me for forever who couldn't stop talking to each other... so you'd get your viewing spot around their heads then every 2 seconds they'd have to lean in to speak to each other, blocking your view. I swear I wanted to slap them a few times but I kept saying "They are enjoying this their way." Shortly after my accomplishment in mindfulness their male friend leans over and says "You know, my GOD, even at a Depeche Mode concert I get bored a few songs in," and promptly joined them in their constant chatting. I finally found a way to move over.

-- There's the guy who's had too much to drink who spills his drink all over the person next to him 'causing a ruckus.

-- There's the trippy ass girl who comes, lays down all her shit (and lots of shit) right in the middle of a group of people and starts bopping all over the place (D and I couldn't contain our giggle on that one since she did it right next to D).

After the second encore, a drunken male walked over to me, attempted to grab my ass (fortunately for me, I had my handy Pure For Sure jacket wrapped around my waist which provided ample protection), leaned in and slurred "So, you goin' home alone tonight? ... oh, it looks like you have a date." So I lean in and say "Nope, don't have a date but I do have a husband and two children." The look on his face was priceless but, to give his due, he did lean back and say "You are beautiful." To which I said "Thank you" and went back to my viewing pleasure with a small glow of external validation from some stranger... to take away his due, he never moved from being very close behind me which made me very uncomfortable given the earlier ass-grabbing attempt. It was after this incident that I realized that I probably had a lot harder time "dating" when I was younger for a reason I never thought of before -- I always hung out with D and his friends... I just now realized that people probably thought we were dating. What a late realization :)

So, all in all, great show. I didn't even bother to turn on the alarm clock as we didn't leave the show until after midnight and I knew I'd be tired... plus I think the head cold has made it's way to me as my throat feels all wierd (of course, that could be from the yellling to be heard last night too).

In my thoughts about the day I realized I now have a decision to make... usually if I don't practice Friday morning, I practice Friday night at the first series class at the club... I realized this morning that I'm now at the point in my practice where I have to decide whether to go to the first series class or do the Intro to Second with Tim. I never felt ready to go to that class before but I finally feel like it is within my reach. I'm not sure which way I'm leaning right now... but we'll see how my throat and head feel after the day moves on.

On the iPod (as if you had to guess): Peter Murphy

Strange Kind of Love
A strange kind of love
A strange kind of feeling
Swims through your eyes
And like the doors
To a wide vast dominion
They open to your prize

This is no terror ground
Or place for the rage
No broken hearts
White wash lies
Just a taste for the truth
Perfect taste choice and meaning
A look into your eyes

Blind to the gemstone alone
A smile from a frown circles round
Should he stay or should he go
Let him shout a rage so strong
A rage that knows no right or wrong
And take a little piece of you

There is no middle ground
Or that's how it seems
For us to walk or to take
Instead we tumble down
Either side left or right
To love or to hate

Hit Song (partial lyrics):
Walking in the street
Breath the only friend
Strangers pass me by
I'm moving, moving with the wind
Inside me now, the gold
The gold at rainbows end
Stranger to myself, a stranger
Stranger till the end
Behind the closed door
The one we painted green
To remind me of the perfect plan

Wash my face in fields of green
Take me to the stars for free
Point me to the high wire call
Wake me true and wake me all

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:27 AM | Comments (6)

May 26, 2005

Painful

Last night was painful... The Husband started talking in his sleep around 11pm which gave me insight that I'd be up for a lot of the remainder of the night. My new job description, Nurse, includes being a night guard...to, hopefully, stop The Husband before he sleepwalks into some situation which basically screws up his leg. Believe me, it's a tough job. I did manage to get up at 7, each my 5 tablespoons of yogurt then promptly go back to bed until 8:15 (Thank everything in the universe that The Husband is able to drive again because otherwise I'd have not had that extra half hour). Driving to practice I knew it was going to be a hard one physically. My hamstrings were stuck and in pain whenever I tried to stretch them... my upper body felt like it might crack at any moment.

Getting on the mat was hard. I'm feeling like maybe that head cold going around has found me (say it isn't so!). I could barely touch my toes through the first round of sun salutations... but I did, eventually, get into it... after spending quite a bit of breath in the first forward bends actually. No major asana news... Coming up from backbends I got "the look" again so I said "Am I really not using my legs at ALL?" The response was "That was better..you are.. it is coming." And that, my friends, is why I get on the mat even on crappy days like today...because it will come eventually.

Tonight is Peter Murphy... I'm pretty stoked to see him (although I've strangely had a Beastie Boys song stuck in my head all day...hopefully it will go away). Not sure if I'll make practice tomorrow..guess it depends on how late tonight goes.

In the meantime, I'm still dwadling around down here in the valley. At some point I should probably put on my hiking boots.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:44 PM | Comments (2)

May 25, 2005

What kids show you

My body has hurt all day today. Just that ache everywhere.. your muscles are tired... you wonder if you overstretched something here...or, wait, maybe there. So I couldn't wait tonight until I could take my herbal anti-inflammitory and soak in the hottub. Then it struck me that I really felt like listening to music in HOTTER than hottub water so I headed to the bath with the iPod. I played the playlist that is all songs I wouldn't normally listen to on a daily basis... they are all melancholy or about some sort of loss, dash of hope, whatever you want to make of a "downer" song. You know, songs like "Please, please let me" by the one and only, Smiths (that's the one and only song I dig). Or like the section of nostalgic crooners (Squirrel Nut Zippers rock). Then it hit me... you know, I tell myself I write about almost everything in my blog but I truly don't think I've ever been truthful when it comes to the "state" I'm in right now. You know I'm in that truly "down" state... everything sucks... it could have been started from multiple things but, in this case, it's because I woke up and realized it really is possible for two people to cohabitat and speak about nothing except logistics for about 3 days... I think 3 days... maybe 4. How sad is that? And, it is and all... and, yea, I'm going through a huge marriage-downer...it happens... all those peaks and valleys. This one appears to be the biggest valley we've encountered so far... but, I mean, I thought that about the days when we were up all night with a screaming baby that I just wanted to make STOP too (you remember THOSE crazy days, right? Where everything is just so crazy you want the world to stop just for a minute so you can too?)... or, before that, like when my mom had cancer... so, I'm sure there is a bigger valley still to find after a few peaks. But, I digress (I do that frequently, eh?). What I'm really not so honest about is the fact that I really almost like the valleys in my life...whether it's husband, job, family, childhood, friendship whatever at the bottom of the valley. I mean, what would the next peak be like if all we ever saw were peaks... how would we learn the skills of knowing ourselves without exploring all the emotions we're capable of? I often don't to write about the really strong darker feelings because I don't want to come off as a "downer" but, in honesty, I try to relish them as I think they always bring an open window to something. Ah, maybe it's just the whole goth thing :) Now you know why all those kids wear black, black, black... they're minds tend to go this way and it's just the imagery of the color.

Tonight we went to feed the fish. We have two. One has outlasted two sharks (think the itty bitty tiny tiny shark variety), two neon fish and something else. The latest "Dead" (as The Husband likes to name all the new fish who go into the tank) is missing. Yep, I know it was alive yesterday and today, it's gone. We can't even find it in the tank... freakin' twilight zone.

The Son had a tremendous baseball game tonight -- he hit all his pitches on the first try (WOW!!) and he's really starting to get the hang of throwing a ball. I love sometimes the tidbits of things into his mind we get. Today he brought home a piece of schoolwork he did I guess Monday. On Mondays they have a picture assignment where they draw a picture of their weekend and then write a paragraph which starts with "My weekend was _____." His said "BAD" and then went on to explain that he fell and hit a chair and scraped up his lip (he did poor thing), that his sister cried for a long time (over what I can't remember but I don't doubt it) and that ChildX down the street wrote on the wall and said he told him to do it. The last sentence is "and that's a lye" (i.e., lie). WOW... he had a bad weekend. How crushing... :) you always want to believe your kids are having these beautiful, peaceful lives, blah blah blah... In all actuality it's just kid-sized valleys and those valleys are super important... so you learn to deal with the nature of ALL your emotions... and look, at 35, I'm still practicing :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:06 PM | Comments (4)

Disturbed

When I work into the night, generally past 8pm, I have a really hard time quieting my brain down to fall asleep. I've noticed this much more readily now that I have a morning practice. It's almost like the stress of knowing I have to get up in the morning plus the fact that my brain is racing through the various pieces of logic I've been working on gets me to the point that I simply can't fall asleep... and that's basically how last night was. At some point, groggy enough to wonder if I had fallen asleep, I woke all the way up to some strange sound downstairs and had this realization that I don't know what I'd do if I was single, I get scared sleeping in the house by myself. I finally slept, fitfully, at some point in the evening... woke up before the 6am alarm and surprised myself by not even considering going back to sleep (having missed Sunday and the moonday this week) and frightening myself by almost falling back asleep before I threw the covers off to get up. I've come to decide that my flexibility, or just plain ability, in the physical practice of yoga has less to do with what I eat than how much sleep I get. They seem to directly correlate. So it was with no surprise that my hamstrings felt like they might break in half this morning... and no surprise that my practice was one of those in which you simply will yourself to the next pose... and onto the next.... and then the next... until you see the glimmer of the end coming. The room was cold today too which didn't help -- the power was apparently out, no heater, no lights... but we were amused by about 15 minutes of a car alarm going off in the middle of practice. I didn't get any adjustments today... until Baddha Konasana which hasn't been on the top of my hit parade for the past week. Whatever Shakti Guruji sent through my hips has almost disappeared and while I can get down far enough, nowhere near where I was again unless someone helps me. The past few practices Rich, Tim's assistant, has been helping me. Today he stood behind me as I setup for the pose then walked away saying "I'll be right back." Just then I noted Tim's knees coming down onto my thighs... as he put his weight on me I couldn't help but exclaim "You are so much heavier!" as the difference in the adjustment was simply amazing. Tim says "Heavier than what?" I said "Than Rich." To which he grunted, got up and said "Thanks, thanks a lot." In all actuality, I liked the extra weight...it made it much easier getting down without a lot of drama. My next adjustment was in Bhekasana. I have a feeling I'm going to be stuck here for a good long time.... I just can't seem to get any raise out of my shoulders. It pinches my lower back up and I can't figure out the logistics of the pose yet. If I put one foot down at a time, that movement is simply a piece of cake, I barely feel it. Putting both feet down at the same time is also easy... but trying to get the lift up.. man, that's hard... I can't figure out if I'm supposed to be sacrificing the heels to the ground in order to get lift or just struggling in that spot until I'm strong enough to get higher up. I also can't figure out exactly where to "pull" from in order to get more lift. Sometimes I wish Mysore was full of intrincate instruction :) My backbends today simply sucked... my wrist was hurting pretty badly by then so Tim told me to "push harder" which, in truth, helped but I was so tired it was hard to hang on. We setup for surgery again and I really *feel* like I'm using my legs...but then I get up and he shakes his head and smiles that smile that says 'Someday we'll get there' and I think, man, this must just fly right over my head. Although on my last stand up today he did say "Good" again... boy, these "goods" maybe it's all psychological to make me think I'm getting somewhere ;)

During savasana today I thought about my surgery and whether I should practice the day of or not. I was thinking about doing a class on Sunday in New York City and maybe Monday morning before we drive up to Tarrytown for the surgery. If I did the early morning Mysore at 6am, I should make it in time for my 11am surgery. I can't eat anyway so it might be good for me. I just have to figure it out logistically. I've also decided that it might be best for me to actually stay in the city instead of in Tarrytown. If I did this, my mom could go shopping and sightseeing while I lay in bed all day and that way we wouldn't need a car and she wouldn't be so bored (and I get a break to be all by myself). There is absolutely nothing to do in Tarrytown and I do mean nothing. My ex-boyfriend said he'd pick me up from the hospital and bring me into the city... he also said he'd help my mom with touristy stuff... my friend Lucia lives not too far from the city... and my neighbor will be in the city for a couple days that week as well. So, it sounds like a good idea... now to figure out how to work it all out.

The Son is starting to show signs of growing up... we've always maintained "community" living in our house and planned to until one of our children showed signs of being uncomfortable say, watching a parent take a shower or something of that nature. Well, yesterday, for the first time, my son showed that sensitivity and it's really tripping me out. Making sure everyone knows I'm in the shower is not a big deal but, dude, this means girls are just around the corner!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:38 AM | Comments (5)

May 24, 2005

As a side note...

After re-reading that last entry I should note that I did not proceed to tell Tim that entire story during practice. The story came out more like:

Him: What happened?
Me: Old Injury
Him: What happened originally?
Me: Swimming, hit wrist on side of pool
Him: Broke?
Me: Probably, I refused to go to the doctor and it comes back every couple years
Him: That's very macho
Me: Nah, cast on - no swimming :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:45 PM

Scapel Please...

No practice for a few days for me... basically, it's a silly reason... Saturday was a day off and Sunday, well, I had no idea what time class was. The website said class was canceled because of the moonday but the moonday was yesterday. No one I spoke to seemed to know what time first series was let alone second and supposedly there was no note on Friday indicating which way was up. The last thing I wanted was to carve out 9-11 to find out class was from 10-12 or to carve out 10-12 and find out class was from 11:30-1:30...you get the picture. So, instead, I drank a half bottle of wine on Saturday and had a half pint of ice cream for dessert. Bad lady!

This morning I had to wrestle The Nanny to agree to meet me at the studio (hotel rather) in order to pick up my daughter, drive her to gymnastics so that I could get that hour to fit in my practice (which gave me two hours to practice and get The Daughter from gymnastics). I was a bit surprised, given my lack of activity and my, ahem, crappy diet, that I stood on the front of my mat and bingo bango, head to knees no problems. In fact, I didn't realize it until after I was in downward dog and I thought "Mhmmm...that sun salutation felt pretty good..how many was that? Oh first one." It probably helped that the room was already hot and humid from the 7am class. I had to hold back in some standing poses today... my high school wrist injury is rearing its ugly head again. This is my left wrist and it comes and goes every couple years... for the past couple days in all my yoga playing it's been really hurting with any weight on it... I'm talking searing shooting pain that goes up into my bicep. I had it wrapped this morning for practice and that helps a little bit but you know what helps even more... the wrapping makes me pay extra attention to the alignment of my wrist in poses like chatarunga because if the alignment is even slightly off, boom, there goes the wrist. Nothing much to blog about practice-wise really... good, solid practice.... I had a hard time binding in a lot of poses today...it's funny how something like the way you can turn your wrist throws you off... when you are used to binding hand to wrist in poses like Mari B and Mari D and such, it is actually an effort to hold off some and only bind to your hands (because binding all the way to the wrist forces you to do that wrist twist and it hurt too much today). I've been doing Pasasana without something under the heels. Today I didn't even try to bind to my wrist but binding to my hands on both sides was still pretty good...balancing during the twist is much more tricky :) I got around to Bhekasana today... I didn't get much lift. Tim was helping someone while I was doing it.... I knew he was going to come and make me do it again :) He sat on my butt and brought my shoulders up and then did a grunt. I truly can't figure out if the grunt was "Hey look how far up you were" or "Hey, dude, we got a LOOONG way to go here." I've decided Tim needs to have a grunt interpreter. So I moved into backbends. I was a bit nervous about doing them because of the wrist and, sure enough, it was hard to stay up there for very long. I was coming down on my 6th one when Tim walked by, shrugged his shoulders to question my coming down... "Well, I thought you weren't coming!" In truth, I was halfway hoping he wasn't coming :) I explained that I couldn't hang out there for too long because of my wrist. He asked me what happened. I said "Old injury." He said "What happened." So I explained that I used to be a competitive swimmer and in a meet I was in a pool that didn't have colored lane lines. I was a backstroker and anyone that has ever swam at the level of competition (I believe it was a State semi-final) knows that to put your head back to find the wall is a recipe for disaster... so you count your strokes... that's what the colors on the lane lines are for. Why a pool was allowed to have non-colored lane lines I don't know but, anyway, my count was off from the overhead flags and boom, my wrist came down over top of the pool-side (this was before the new fangled being able to do flip-turns in backstroke -- which pisses me off if you really want to know). I'm pretty sure I probably fractured my wrist then... I don't really know because I refused to go to a doctor. Tim said "Well that's very macho." I said "No, you see, go to a doctor, you get a cast, you can't swim with a cast." This conversation got me to thinking about how hardcore I was as a swimmer and how similar the sense of accomplishment is with yoga... I then got a hard fast reminder that they still are very different when Tim tried to help me up and said "Well, that's a little better." He has this new thing he's doing...it's like setting up for surgery to help me up from a backbend. He's putting his legs outside of mine and squeezing real hard... I'm resisting his squeezing and he then puts his hands under me to help me up then switches where he's pushing...of course, my non-coordinated brain can't make the switch and that's where we lose our groove. ARG.

I made note today that JMS is no longer doing first then second but is now practicing second only... I will miss watching his beautiful first series everyday. My friend in the room today who has been advanced as far as I have... she, for some reason I didn't catch, skipped Setu Bandhasana and went to do it after Bhekasana. Tim said something to her then told her as punishment she should do all the poses after Setu Bandhasana again (which would be second up to Bhekasana).... I thought he was kidding... he wasn't.

Practice tomorrow and Thursday should be on... Thursday night is Peter Murphy in concert at the House of Blues... ROCK ON! I'm so stoked to see him even if he is getting on in the years... the man on the planet with the most sexy voice ever.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:21 PM

May 23, 2005

80s Flashback

So the other day I went down to PB (Pacific Beach for you non-San-Diegans) to Guru Tattoo to watch my favorite tattoo artist, Dave, doing some ink on Cameron. First, let me say, that the new ink is amazing. Second, ever since I haven't been able to get freakin' Def Leppard out of my head. DEF LEPPARD. I haven't heard of Def Leppard in eons until my trip to SF for Guruji when Eric was overhead exclaiming his passion for the band and then to be rockin' out during a tattoo, well, it just brought back all those wonderful days of yore. 9th grade, obsessed with the likes of the Will Schuyler (my very first love of life *sigh* -- now married, with twins and I occasionally get an email from him), Myles Schuyler (most popular guy in school but, boy, don't get me started on Myles..way too much post-highschool stuff there -- last I heard living somewhere in Chicago), Pat Kedis (what was the deal with him), John Paul (I don't think I ever knew his last name) and the rest of that crew. I used to make big JPs (for those of you not in the groove, that would be the initials for Judas Priest) all over my paper bag book covers (do they still require book covers in school?). So, in honor of those days, I've listened to Def Leppard, Scorpions and Judas Priest this morning. What perhaps is scariest of all is that I do actually have them all on the iPod.

So before my readers start scratching their heads... I definitely did start off as a rocker. At some point in 9th grade I just decided I didn't want to conform and started listening to more "alternative" music. I remember dying to get a Johnny Rotten shirt... getting as blacked out as I could (clothing wise), white face paint, laughing as people moved to the other side of the street. Maybe that was 10th grade... they sorta run together.

Isn't it funny, though, how you can listen to music and it can take you right back to a space in time... a moment... a smell... a look... a feel.

Judas Priest, Before The Dawn Sitting in my room, Robert Smith pictures all over, wearing a black skirt with a big huge metal belt, Cure t-shirt, my hair is black, I have a hugely long side tail (before Til Tuesday was even known), my hair may be orange... the phone rings... it's Will Schuyler who is still my boyfriend but off at college in Humbolt County (Humbolt..yum). There is rain in the background.. we talk sweet nothing to each other for hours.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:33 PM | Comments (2)

May 22, 2005

Weekend In Review

Instead of divorce, I'm using saltwater... nuff said, right?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:22 PM | Comments (1)

May 20, 2005

Same As Last Week Please

No practice this morning. The reasons are personal to someone else in my life but I had no help at all today and multiple family members who needed to be here or there so driving around is what I did most of the day.

In yogic experiences...

Tim's daughter is in The Daughter's ballet class. She sat the whole time carelessly throwing herself into virasana during each interval where she was supposed to be sitting criss-cross applesauce. I was laughing by the end at her oblivion to sitting this way as she would roll around on the floor, up and down, with her knees in this position.... and my own daughter who can casually do "poses" when left to her own devices.

When waiting to pick up The Son from rocket class today, The Daughter and I spied the wide open baseball field which is usually swarmed with lacrosse players. We did headstands and backbends... The Daughter then started doing cartwheels... so I attempted one... I mean, how hard can a cartwheel be. HA! I landed flat on my back and didn't try it again. Doing a backbend my daughter exclaimed "MOMMY! You did it, you got your head off the ground." Doing a headstand she told me to flop over into a backbend...which I did pretty easily actually, never done that before. Getting up after one headstand I realized all the other moms were standing around... I felt like an idiot :) Walking back to the car, we spotted the handball wall... The Daughter told me to do a handstand... and wouldn't you know, I kicked up into probably the best handstand I've ever done... my feet never touched the wall, I was perfectly balanced, I felt like I needed no strength to stay there... until I looked back and saw all the moms... and promptly came down red faced dying because I knew I could have held that handstand for longer than I ever have before. Timing.

I took my two children to The Toy Store today. It was The Daughter's bribe which brought us there... she got to pick out her "sleeping in the big girl bed" present... it took an hour and a half... where's the cross-eyed icon?

I found this kid's yoga teacher training program in New York. It is $400 and is the two days prior to my surgery. Essentially I could fly out there a day early and do the training... it's from 9-6 Saturday and Sunday. I'm really entertaining the idea but I really can't afford it and it might be too much given that I will have surgery the next day. The PTA has made another "comment" about teaching yoga at school next year plus my daughter's class mentioned it too. It would be totally fun... My daughter is really getting how to do a full sun salutation and she's only 4... it would be awesome to see the bigger kids doing it. Since I probably won't be practicing at the level I am now, teaching yoga to kids might be a good thing for me... but I just don't know if it's a good idea to do it.

Which brings me to the sentence "practicing at the level I am now." What does that mean? For so long I felt like an ashtanga wanna-be. I think I might actually feel like I officially practice ashtanga yoga now. I wish I could say I have a 6 day a week pracice...some weeks I do but most weeks end up being 5 days. On the one hand, this is freaking amazing for someone who has a full-time job, two kids under the age of 8, a husband who can't drive and is on disability and I only have help about 10-15 hours a week... I'm not entirely sure I could ask for more. On the other hand, I want more. What does level mean? Does it really matter what series we are working on? Is that physical attachment to asana? If it was, why would we have series? Do I feel more "authentic" because I'm finally practicing into second series...or, as has been suggested by someone I call friend, that second series is just something that I needed personally and it lifts me up and makes me fly? And while I'm being honest... Last night I saw this shirt that said "Body By Yoga" -- I always hear this stuff about ashtanga making hard bodies. I don't have a hard body and I don't think I ever will... does it really? Do you think ashtanga can change a body shape? Does it reduce cellulite (God I wish)? Do you think a 2 hour practice is similar to "working out" in the way that is recommended for cardiovascular health (I think it is actually -- in fact, I think it is great because you are breathing instead of huffing)? See, when I don't get to practice, I spend far too much time analyzing.

Now I'm off to get the tangles out of a 4 year old's hair... this could be a yogic experience in and of itself BELIEVE ME.

On the iPod -- Dora The Explorer, Fairytale Land (*sigh*)

In the Glass -- It's Saturday, a glass of Pinot Noir.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:10 PM | Comments (4)

May 19, 2005

SweatBox

The Daughter helped me peg a place for my mat this morning for practice. She also demonstrated her exceptional backbending skills on the mat before The Nanny picked her up. OKRGR and Tim both made comments about her staying for practice. I wish I could put her inside the envelope that we make when we're all in that room together but I have nightmare visions of her talking throughout the entire practice and bothering other people. Maybe some day when she's just slightly older I can get her to do some of the practice with me... wouldn't that be awesome. She's so into yoga right now too. I can say "Do Halasana" and she knows it. "Do Dhekasana" and she knows it. I'm telling you, for those of you with little ones, Baptise's book helps them learn the names.

Practice itself was pretty good for me. It was hot as heck in the room today. I was having a nice little practice actually. For some odd reason, first time in a long time, I had problems getting bound in Supta Kurmasana. I didn't try to come up and put my legs behind my head first and it may have been that I rolled out the YogiToes from the heat but I had to really put my knees out to get them close enough to cross which made it harder to bind... it felt wierd for it to be hard because it has come so easy of late. I was totally happy when I did Pasasana again today with nothing under the heels and I got bound hand to wrist on the first side, held it for the length of the pose and only fell out slightly when coming back to forward. The thing I noticed about doing this pose without something under the heels is that I spend more of my time balancing and, as a result, less time twisting. The twist is definitely greatly impacted. Shalabasana really hurt my calf today... actually the cramping first started in Setu Bandhasana. I normally get up in Setu Bandhasana without using my hands, just push through the feet and roll over my head so I did that today and boom, my calf just locked all the way up... so I had to roll back over a bit, shake it out and come back up. Supta Virasana did nothing for me today but it was quite funny.... Tim came to do the adjustment... he's leaning all the way over me and his eyes are going cross. I don't know if he was doing it on purpose or just looking towards his nose or something but it was hysterical so I laughed out loud and he said "What, nothing?" I said "Nope, notta today!" I've noticed that Tim is having a "funny" week this week -- lots of joking and laughter. Bhekasana was hard as usual... I feel this pose a lot in my lower back. Am I doing something wrong or do I just need to work through it? Ah.... then we come to backbends. The dread came back today... my back wasn't feeling so good (uh, could it be the brownie thingies I consumed last night?). Cheating on backbends these days means that I do dropbacks with Tim's assistant rather than Tim but no such luck today.. he was right next to me on my last backbend and he knew it. I think he also knows I'll cheat if I can. All in all, I guess they weren't horrible but not as good as some previous days this week. On the last stand up he put his legs between mine and I squeezed his legs to help me "find my legs" -- I actually got another "That was good...you internally rotated your thighs today." So, maybe, just maybe, it's coming.... slowly... but coming.

It's now become my routine to practice, stop at Starbucks and then come home. First of all, financially this is stupid. Second of all, could I be anymore addicted to caffeine? Today I got a grande mocha which means I will be flying higher than a kite here in about 5 minutes and then I'll crash and burn sometime around 2:30.

I realized today that I'm being truly selfish about yoga. I'm paying The Nanny to watch my child almost 5 days a week now so I can practice. I'm supposed to be paying The Nanny so I can work. I also realized that this forces me to work more in the evenings when I should be hanging out with my kids. This is so unfair to them. I just don't see how to go backwards though... not right now... soon enough I won't be able to practice much for awhile and when I do come back it will be a slow journey to where I am now... it's okay to be selfish right now, right? Right?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:19 AM | Comments (6)

May 18, 2005

Empty

Oops, I almost forgot to add:

On The Printer: A box of brownie thingies, minus the one I ate... oops.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:15 PM

Yoga It's Everywhere

Tonight I took a bath... I've discovered that my baths, like, apparently, everything else, is just yoga. I first have to setup... make sure that the water isn't too low... but not too high either. You need it just the right level so that you can push your physical edge and get some length in some other area... like if you sit back to supta virasana with the water just right, you can raise your hips and feel the leverage of the edge... I had Maroon5 on in there. I am so trendy it's scary. I generally wouldn't listen to something like Maroon5 because I'm completely egotistical enough to poo-poo anything that gets really popular. But you know I really like it... I think the lyrics are incredibly sexy (I will now proceed to get a bazillion hits on some form of that word for years to come) and in the music I find something new and interesting everytime I listen to it... and, believe me, I've listened to it quite a freakin' lot lately. Which leaves us to the fact that yoga really is everywhere... especially when you're trying to figure out the whole marital with an immobilized leg deal.

I just realized that Cameron must be in town today... I think maybe even tattoo day is tomorrow... I'll have to call and find out so I can go check out the action. I heart the smell of that stuff they use when getting ink.. it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I call it the "tattoo smell," I'm sure you know what I mean. My good friend Lucia is coming out to town in a couple weeks. I was hoping that I could get her to Tim's but it looks like she'll be getting her first ink on that Sunday... would it surprise anyone to know that I'm leaning towards getting another tattoo with her. I can't decide if getting another one would be the doorway...you know the one where you just keep getting ink after ink and pretty soon, you know, you got a lot or if one more would just do it. Anyway, I'm thinking of getting a Virgo symbol..somewhere...not sure where.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:20 PM | Comments (2)

Rushed

This morning I got to practice at 6:55 and I was doing my first sun salutation by 7:01. This is rare.... usually I get there, pranayama is still going on, I wait til they are done to unfurl the mat, I might hem and haw or talk to someone for a minute or two, make it to the front of the mat but this morning I had to get out of there as fast as possible so it was business, business, business. So it was with much surprise that I was the first one to start and, yet, by the Maris most people had caught up to me. I must not be moving or taking as few breaths as I think I am or thought I was.... either that or some other people really don't hold poses all that long. In Parivritta Trikonasana today, my usual first adjustment, Tim was on the other side of the room on the first side. Thinking I'd either, I can't decide which, been let loose for the day or was missing my adjustment, I went into the second side... and over he came. This morning's adjustment was unusually simple and light. Normally he gets his whole body in there but today he just supported my back and used his hands to twist me over. After doing the second side, he told me to return to the first side for the adjustment... and, to my surprise, after spinning me all around and giving me one of his infamous adjustment eyeballs, he said "Good." That's like two goods in the space of a week! What will my ego do????!!! The rest of my practice was a blur. I found that because I knew I only had an hour and a half, I was moving so quickly that it wasn't as meditative as it normally is for me.... just moving through my practice and remembering to breathe. I didn't try anything fancy, barely did jump throughs and didn't try Dwi Pada before Supta Kurmasana today either. I tried Pasasana today without anything under my heels. When Tim first gave me this pose I did it twice, once with, once without and lately I've just been lazy doing it with something there. I was quite happy that I could bind on both sides after catching my balance (heels were definitely up off the ground) and I got close to my wrist but I was too sweaty to hold onto it. I laid down for Supta Virasana and was just sorta playing around with lifting my hips up to feel some quad stretch... I was using my hands a bit to get a better lift when Tim told me to put my hands up... he then gave me a really nice stretch. He, like before, had me grab his ankles but this time he stood further back and then pushed on my quads... I said "Hey, I feel that!" I feel like my attempt at Bhekasana today was miserable... but then I looked around the room and I noticed that not everyone is getting much lift around the chest. I feel like I'm not getting any lift but I also had this idea that you had to be pretty far up there. Even in the picture from Ashtanga.Info there, I feel like I'm at least getting that much lift. Maybe I just don't fully understand the pose yet (quite likely, eh?). I did my backbends and on the second to last one I had my feet far out and was straightening my legs... it just felt good... but I got caught and was told to "walk your feet in!" and then pulled up to standing. On my last drop back I tired so hard to use my own leg muscles... in fact, I actually felt them engage... Tim said "You are finding your legs...slowly." How's that for two goods in one day!

I left practice at exactly 8:30... I raced through traffic home (M/W/F practices mean hitting rush hour traffic going back down south... which means a good half hour commute home). I ran in the house, I raced to load VSTO 2005 Beta 2 on my laptop because I forgot to to it last night and I was supposed to demo today... it broke... I ran into the shower... I couldn't find anything "business" attire-wise to wear short of something way too hot or way too suit-ish so I opted for casual. I ended up not bringing my demo laptop (this makes for a short meeting) and having just enough time to get some caffeine ("I'd like a chai, with organic milk, no water and a shot please") before my meeting. At the end of my meeting my phone rang... it was The Son... The Nanny had decided to purchase my children Ring Pops because, apparently, it is unAmerican for my children to have never had one.... he wanted to know if he could eat it.... the entire meeting could hear him raging on the phone about this Ring Pop, what it looked like, it was a sucker, could they have it for desert today... what could I say but "Okay." *sigh*

On the iPod -- Can't get off this Maroon5 fascination...

On the printer -- A big ass box of carmel chocolate brownies that the guys in my meeting told me to take home ... do they have any idea how dangerous this is?

On the agenda -- The Son's 4pm baseball game

In My Head -- Can I wring out a practice on Friday too? The Nanny isn't coming in... maybe I could leave The Daughter with the Incapacitated Husband and get home in time to get her to her events of the day. Is that horrible that I'm so conniving my whole life revolves around yoga.

Out of my Mouth -- Sorry, yea, it would be great to work on this project but, nope, I can't come in before 10am... I have yoga in the mornings.

Overhead
- J (son's best friend): What is that statue of the fat guy?
- Son: That's Buddha
- J: Who's Buddha?
- Son: Some guy, my mom says his name is Buddha.
- J: Why is he so fat?
- Son: Just that Buddha is, the other Buddhas (pointing to living room) are not.
- J: I think he just ate too much.
- Son: No, I think he's just happy but he's really fat.

In Love
- Me to Daughter: You are the smartest, funniest, cutest little girl on the planet.
- Daughter: You are the best mommy in the whole planet.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm -- Why does David Swenson come back to chatarunga between upward and downard dogs?

Moment of Panic -- I've stopped wearing my wedding rings because I have to pry them off my finger every night so I can practice the next morning... I am now unsure of where exactly I left them last.

Last Call -- Today I'm wearing a very cleavage baring shirt...unusual for me... I wonder if I look like an idiot?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:04 PM | Comments (4)

May 17, 2005

Water Makes A Body Good

Well I didn't make it to practice this morning... We had an "event" (did not involve a child -- she is, thankfully, still in her big girl bed and doing remarkable) in the evening which afforded me no sleep. I actually harbored the idea in the bay of my mind to go so I took the alarm clock and I held it in my hand the last time I fell asleep but when I woke up at 5:30 I knew it was pointless, I needed some sleep so I turned it off. It was easier to turn it off because I wasn't going to be able to practice with Tim. I really have no desire to practice with anyone else but I also recognize that, in my life, there is a need to fit practices in elsewhere sometimes. It makes it much easier to take a day like today and decide to take it off. Tuesdays seem to be my off day lately (and, let's not forget Saturday since, you know, it would be criminal to imply taking any other day off is acceptable) since The Husband is laid up. I keep coming back to the realization that 5 practices a week is simply remarkable compared to where I was last year.

This morning the DHL driver delivered David Swenson's Second & Third series DVD. Being the good little yogini I was, I hadn't been reading ahead or studying any postures in the other series besides first but now that I know I'm supposed to recognize them, I've decided to study them a bit more. It's always useful to watch senior teachers practicing and pick up little tips. I'm excited to watch it but can't figure out exactly when I'll have the time.

I'm missing a huge work conference due to all the stuff going on and feeling really low about it. Right now I feel like not working anymore. Impractical, especially given the lack of funds to pay for anything right now, but I enjoy my kids and my life more when I'm not working (as if everyone wouldn't) and I miss those days of careless parenting. On the other hand, I've had a lot of great consulting interest lately and tomorrow have a large meeting with a big firm down the street. If I could take on a few big jobs a year, I could probably quit full-time work but then there is the issue of marketing myself and I don't want that either. Life would be simpler if money weren't involved, wouldn't it?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:49 AM

May 16, 2005

Addictive (or Just Plain Serious) Signs

... when you've decided that showers really aren't all they are cracked up to be... today was my first day of going from practice to personal life responsibilities. I went into the bathroom, splashed water all over my face, arms... toweled off and changed... and it hasn't been a bad day at all like I anticipated. So much so that I normally can't practice on Tuesdays now that The Husband is not able to drive... but I've figured out if I get to Dennis Dean's by 6:30, I could make it home just in time to get The Daughter to her stuff on time but I probably can't shower... and, heck, now that I've done it once, showers are overrated.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:25 PM | Comments (3)

Grace-Less

The alarm clock went off this morning and I felt so comfortable. It's so wierd now that The Daughter isn't hogging the covers, kicking me and otherwise making sleep in a Queen sized bed somewhat less that completely satisfying. The thought crossed my mind "Well, I could just do night practices this week." Then I remembered how much more I like Mysore and morning practices. Practice started off just okay... I just felt like my arms had absolutely no strength whatsoever. I got my usual standing adjustments, they are becoming second nature now... I set myself up for the adjustment. I kinda like that it is a given and it is surprising to me when I get a touch or adjustment in a place I don't normally. Seated poses were okay. I tried Dwi Pada (yelled at for not explaining the poses, this is both legs behind the head and mine certainly doesn't look like that picture) before Supta Kurmasana again today. I still haven't figured out how to get back up right but I did manage to raise up with my feet crossed (they came off my head though) but then let them go before lifting up... you are supposed to lift up before letting them go. For some reason, I was simply unable to get into Setu Bandhasana today. I tried twice and just couldn't bring my hands crossed. This is wierd because I've never had a problem with this pose before and I'm not quite sure what it was but it definitely felt like it was in my back. I got bound hand to wrist on the first side of Pasasana again (with something under the heels) but can't get close on the other side. It's very different from one side to the other. Bhekasana is hard. I can get the heels down fine but I can't get lift. I got the nice adjustment today but I think it will take me awhile to figure that pose out. At the very least, I'm not dreading dropbacks anymore... I still suck at them but I'm not dreading them.

My teacher said the funniest thing to me during practice today... and I'm still trying to figure out what he meant exactly aside from the fact that we were all joking around. He and Kiran were talking about something and somehow ended up trying to remember who the saying goes... "Monday's child is fair of face..." or whatever it is. One of the variations they threw out was "Tuesday's child is full of grace." Teacher says "I am a Tuesday child." I said "I am a Tuesday child too." (Kiran was practicing next to me). I said "But I don't have a lot of grace." He says "Well, maybe not the physical kind." I just wanted to burst out laughing instead I said "Well that was encouraging." It's so funny that this conversation would happen because I don't have much physical grace. I have very little body awareness or body confidence. I always run into walls that have been in existence forever or just, in general, have little physical grace. I've always, however, been told that I hold myself with grace, by many people. The difference seems to be energetic. So it's funny that he would say that because it is very true but it was classic the way it came out. I'm probably not going to be one of those practitioners who comes to the mat like JMS with so much grace and levity and lightness... but I do hope that I bring that other kind of grace to the mat with me.

I'm fairly amazed at the difference in where I am in my practice since last year. I've got a regular Mysore practice, gosh, 4 days a week of Mysore and one led class. It's pretty amazing if you consider I was just whining about if I could make Mysore once a week. Next I'll be whining about actually going to Mysore for a year before that actually happens :)

Right after practice The Daughter had a dentist appointment to get her first cavities filled. She did amazing. The dentist said she was probably the best 4 year old she's ever had. She literally never moved, never made a peep, followed directions... just sat watching her Hello Kitty movie. It was amazing and I'm so proud of her. I, of course, cringed and had to hide my face when they put the shots in her mouth. We are considering beginning vaccinations for her. If we are serious that Mysore is a possibility within a year or two, then we need to start getting her some vaccinations that will be important now. I'm slightly freaked out about it. Well, I'm a lot freaked out about it. I'm praying to all the Gods/Goddesses that she doesn't have the same reactions The Son did... that I don't fuck up her immune system permanently. I'm totally freaking out but I did manage to make an appointment to special order vaccinations from the pediatrician. He'll be happy and I know he'll be willing to work with me on the modified schedule and individual/thermisol-free vaccines. *sigh*

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:02 PM | Comments (3)

May 15, 2005

Led Class

I went to the first led class I've been to in a long time today... Maybe it hasn't been a long time but I'm not recalling the last led class I went to. The good health club teacher, M, was teaching. I had to go there because they have child care and I had The Daughter to take care of. Since it is a traditional primary series class and the teacher is the best, it works out for me. I can't remember, however, the last time I did a full 5 and 5 of sun salutations. It is so heated at the Best Western that generally I've been doing 4 and 4. That last one is a crusher ;) I had a pretty good practice. I realized in Utthita Padagustasana that Trivikurmasana is much easier have you have done the hanumanasana series (yes, I've commented on this before). M was on top of the slight bend in the knee which made this doubly hard. As we started seated poses I had to pee... and it just got worse and worse... but I couldn't find a good spot to go, especially since, at the club, you have to run down a hall to find the nearest bathroom, through the cold racquetball room, in front of the reception desk and down by the gym. I finally chose Mari C to go in so I did B on both sides real quick... and was fast enough that I was back by Mari D. Ah the difference in control when you don't have to go is dramatic :) I attempted to get myself into Dwi Pada today for Supta Kurmasana... I wasn't quite balanced and couldn't really get the second leg up by myself. M helped me get into and I lowered myself down on my own, held it, then brought myself back up. It was hard to get up with my legs still crossed and I only brought my shoulders out slightly but I did it...until... I went to go into Titibhasana and my hair got caught inside one of my anklets... like all twisted and it was pulling out... I wimpered to get attention because I couldn't move my leg. M saw it but thought I was just struggling, she said "Oh, I've seen that..." and I interrupted "NO, seriously, please help!" She came over and unhooked my hair but I think part of my scalp came with it. The dangers of wearing ankle jewelry that doesn't come off! We got to Setu Bandhasana and M informed us that we were going to do the first two poses of second series. At least two of us were very happy :) When we got to Krounchasana I leaned over and said "Could we do Shalabasana too?" So we did... and we did Shalabasana C & D. D was hard as hell. We only did 4 backbends. M helped me up on the 3rd and told me that I just needed to push forward at the end just a bit more; otherwise the rest was all me. It's funny because she tells me this everytime I practice with her but I can't seem to bring it into the shala. I wonder if it is because she uses a strap instead of hands. I did a dropback on my own and then collapsed :)

I spent the rest of my afternoon at the suburban family's happiest place on Earth -- IKEA. The Daughter needed a bookcase and I picked up this cool rainbow canopy for her bed as a treat for her sleeping in her big girl bed. I can't believe how well it is going. She's even taken to saying "See you in the morning" instead of her usual "See you when I come in your bed."

The Son did his 6 Aims at Indian Guides and made it home in one piece (albeit it with a boatload of sugar in his body -- he apparently staked out a space at the Smores table. He doesn't like Smores so he just ate chocolate until he went to bed.) I'm so proud of him.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:46 PM

May 14, 2005

Suburban Reality

My friend with cancer--well, no longer with... so let's say... my friend who had cancer told me once when I first found out I likely would be having surgery this year that in times like these you'd be surprised who your friends turn out to be... that sometimes the people you thought were closest to you in one way or another turned out to not be able to hang in these times... and, on the other hand, someone totally out of the blue might be your rock. She was very right. So it is with some real respect and awe on my part that I reminisce about a woman who asked me over for a drink tonight... our daughters colored in the kitchen while we sat on her backyard, the weather just perfect Southern California evenings... shorts and a tank top, flip flops, been in the sun by the side of a pool (okay, okay, with 7 4 year olds but still..don't burst the bubble)... and this woman broke herself open for me. Very cool. I just love that I feel like there with this really pure of heart person who noticed something and decided to share her journey with me... not for her and not for me necessarily though definitely a bit of that there... mostly just to say "Hey, I'm there too... here's my story." Sometimes it is easy, living here in the land of the beautiful, upper middle class suburb moms (and, believe you me, the stereotypes ain't no stereotypes... it really IS like that), to miss those people who really have something to share of themselves (and I do know, believe me, what the latest fads are, where it is to get them and how long it takes to put yourself together so that it looks like you aren't trying... I don't think I've ever added one single item to that list that they share almost daily).

The Son is off at Indian Guides. One of the biggest bummers outside of The Husband himself is that The Son took it really hard that our family was going to have to miss out on the Indian Guides Family Campout. Tears, sobbing... "But this is the only thing in the whole wide world I want to do!!!!" sobbing... A very kind neighbor ended up taking him for us. It was really a strange thing for us to ask. We've never allowed him to go somewhere with someone other than his Grandmother overnight. Tonight is a first... On top of that, it seemed like such an imposition to ask someone to take our child and we'd already had one family turn us down. It's one of those things you do because the sobbing is actually real and the need is really deep for your child and you're pretty good at telling the difference. We asked and he was kind enough to help us. The Son is doing his Six Aims tonight (he has to recite the six aims and then he gets some special highly coveted award) and it was a huge deal to him. He's been practicing for two months. I'm sad we are missing it and, yet, feel so thankful that yet another person was open enough of himself to help us this way.

There is goodness all around us... we just need to stop and see it. Sometimes I'm guilty of walking by the rose bush.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:02 PM | Comments (2)

Dude...What's In Your Hair?

So I no longer have to be concerned if I have something in my teeth, have a wardrobe malfunction... instead, I need to worry that I've pressed my head too hard into the mat during Setu Bandhasana and have given myself cradle cap as a result. I read about this on EZBoard but didn't really know what they were talking about when they said that Setu Bandhasana gives one dandruff... it does. It's sick. It's sick. It's sick. I hate it. It really depends on how far over your head you've rolled and the strength you have in the pose but, yep, folks, Setu Bandhasana rubs your scalp raw and, in so doing, you'll produce these large dandruff looking flakes right at the spot from which you pressed your head into the ground. If you don't know what Setu Bandhasana is, check out the linked picture below and you'll see what I mean.... and if you know me IRL, now you know why I'm constantly checking my hair ;)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:59 PM | Comments (1)

May 13, 2005

The Clue In The Night

I knew today's practice would be a tough one around 8pm last night... my hamstrings and muscles just closed up and didn't want to shake loose. It's the like coming down from a high, you know. Those post-time-off practices rocked and then I knew this morning would be one of those ones that you have to get yourself through. Surprisingly, to me, even those practices aren't all that bad anymore... Nothing spectacular to report, obviously. I spent most of my time on the mat grasping at the straw of peace... breathing... remembering that the days are long and hard right now and those precious two hours are the only mental massage I have time for. I wasn't as focused though which is probably because the physical part was a lot harder for me today. After Shalabasana (which pose I surprisingly really, really enjoy.... when I'd done it before in vinyasa classes I didn't like it but I do now... must be the right time for me) I did Supta Virasana because, well, everyone does it... but I have to say I don't really get much out of it and it feels like a resting pose to me... I just sorta laid there thinking "I could fall asleep like this." Bhekasana was really hard for me. I felt like I was a tadpole or something... I could barely get my chest off the ground and my hands and feet were slippery from sweat so I had a hard time keeping my grasp. Tim came over and adjusted me... he sat on my butt and pulled my shoulders back.... that felt darned, dangity good but I also realize he isn't going to be there everytime and, at some point, I have to figure out how to get my chest raised without him. Am I supposed to be able to get my chest as high as he does? He told me to put my heels down first then try to raise the chest... do you do a sorta rotation in your shoulders to try and open the chest more? Clearly, all the other second series poses to now have been fairly easy for me, this one is going to take me some time to figure out physically and mentally.

Since today was Friday most of the more advanced practitioners in the room were doing first series. Since I was struggling a bit more today I had more time for the eye to wander. It's interesting to see some of them doing first series after you've watched them doing much more advanced practices all week. It's interesting to see where they struggle with first, where they excel and how they do the more advanced "moves" within it to challenge themselves.

When Tim came to adjust me in Utthita Padaghustasana today I was having balancing problems. I said "I can't balance today." He said "You still haven't gotten that King size bed, eh?" (referring to The Daughter sleeping with us or, rather, keeping us up all night). So it is with great pride, hope and, well, where's the nearest wood (knock knock)... The Daughter has slept all night in her big girl bed for 5 nights now.... Five Nights. In addition to the promise of ice cream after 3 nights, I promised the toy store after two weeks... but do you think after she attains the magical reward she'll just revert? God I hope not because, let me tell you, having not slept in my own bed without a 4 year old's body on me in over 4 years, it is truly remarkable.... Last night I actually slept from 11pm to 6am this morning!!!!!! That's like a whole freakin' 7 hours!

I went to Starbucks on my way home... I've decided not to fight the caffeine addiction until after The Husband is more mobile... why bother. JMS talked a bit yesterday about wanting to come across as the "pure yogi" in his blog and self-editing. Caffeine is one of those things that I thought was an evil sin far before I started yoga. It is also something I never even considered before last year when I tried it the first time. I don't know... I guess, to me, all these little things are part of the journey and, at various times in life, provide us with a crutch we might need to make it to the next plateau, the next mountain, the next leg of the journey. Right now, I'm drinking caffeine and I'm not even going to feel guilty about it (alright I'm going to try not to feel guilty about it but I'm a Virgo and, heck, that's what we do, we beat ourselves up over our transgressions).

The rest of my day will be spent driving the various members of my household from one event to another... and I have to say, I'm looking forward to not practicing tomorrow. I can't believe that I've managed to practice like I have this week (I only missed Tuesday) and I might even decide to go tomorrow to make up for it...but, honestly, all I really feel like doing is eating whatever the hell I want for dinner, having some wine and relaxing in the backyard because it is like 80 degrees out today and total summer weather and that's totally cool.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:41 AM | Comments (8)

May 12, 2005

Ribbit

Getting to practice today was a bit hairy... I had The Daughter with me and was doing a handoff with The Nanny at the shala (The Nanny lives right across the street). The Daughter helped me stake out my spot and even unrolled my mat for me although she was too shy to say hello to Tim or any of my other friends. You'd be surprised how totally social she is inside her own element. Calmed down into the first few sun salutations and I just had a really wonderful practice. I was really really centered and so appreciative of the time on the mat... the time to just breathe without a 4 year old, 7 year old or a 44 year old needing me every three minutes... without the bazillion things to do right at the same time. I got my usual adjustments in standing postures... seated postures were great... in Janu Shirasana C my toe felt like it was going to break off... you know the one The Son creamed with his cleets yesterday. I massaged it, moved it back and forth, fiddled with it and eventually it got to feeling somewhat normal although it pretty much hurt every vinyasa for awhile. I got a wonderful adjustment in Mari D today.. the one where Tim is holding down my leg, pushing against my knee and twisting me all the way around so that I can see his one eye with my one eye (and then he gives me that look that I can't make out -- is it "Wow look how far you are twisted!" or "Dude, be straighter!"). Everything was just totally grooving. I got bound hand to hand in Supta Kurmasana today without wiggling around. Usually I have to wiggle around somewhat but today I put my hands back after kurmasana and they were just there. I got my legs crossed and close to over my head but I'm not quite sure how you can do that on your own... I feel like I have to bend my knees out somewhat in order to move my feet in and then the bend makes me unable to get my legs up and over. In Pasasana I got bound all the way hand to wrist on the first side without problems. I couldn't get a really deep twist the way I can with assistance but with time... I couldn't get the wrist on the second side... much harder side for me. Krounchasana felt great today for the first time. I didn't have a problem keeping the leg perfectly straight and bringing it to my head or keeping my back straight...uncomfortable but still good. When I did Shalabasana Tim happened to be standing right by me. I got the gnarly Charlie Horse again but this time in the OTHER calf. I breathed through it, brought my legs down to point and flex the foot and work it out a bit then did B. As I came down, he was walking by looking at me so I looked at him like "Okay?" and he nodded and said "Good." That's the first good I've ever gotten :) Then he said "Wanna do a couple more today?" I was elated. I DID want to do a couple more today. I was totally jazzed. So we did Supta Virasana which is an okay pose. I don't feel it anywhere in my legs AT ALL...not one ioata of stretch. I put my arms over my head and Tim walked to my head and I asked "Am I supposed to feel this?" He said "You will." The girl next to me said "Never ask questions!" (jokingly) so he hand me grab his ankles and he stretched himself over me (I believe this is what Cameron was trying to do the night we were playing around in the hotel but he was too short) and had his hands down...but I still didn't feel anything... so I asked where I was supposed to feel it. He said in my front... I felt a little bit, I guess, in my front... I mean it felt good...but more like on the level of a nice massage than pushing an edge. He then told me to do Bhekasana which I've been looking forward to. He instructed me to try one side then the other first... but when I got my heel down without an ounce of effort he said I probably didn't need to do that. Into Bhekasana I went. Getting my heels down was pretty easy but NOT when you also have to lift the front of your chest. This will be a hard mountain for me to climb. With the adjustment it ROCKED. I loved it. I didn't know you were supposed to spread your knees though so Tim moved them apart and it felt a lot better. It seems like I would have rocked without him there to help me so that must be bandha control. Hooray I get to try it again tomorrow! It was a delightful end to a great practice. My backbends felt awesome today again. Tim even said "Better" on my last dropback when I stood up.... compared to the looks of dismay from last month I'll take it! :)

The Husband has finally had an attitude shift. I think he realized yesterday when I came home from The Son's baseball game and burst into tears as everyone was yelling at me for something at the exactly same moment that his negativity and doomsaying wasn't helping me... that the only way to help himself and our family was to accept where he is and work with it. The attitude shift has made a huge improvement... he even read to the kids last night for bed AND put them in bed. Right now he's in the shower by himself... it's amazing the power of your MIND isn't it?

Today is going to be a great day! I just know it. I am hopping along like a frog saying ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.

(By the way, yet another pose given when least expected...who woulda though all in the same week...someone has my number!)

(Second by the way, on this day two years ago... I was promising myself to try and make AYC once a week for a night class... time flies... and with practice things come...amazing!)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:08 PM | Comments (5)

May 11, 2005

A Great Ending

Just to round out the picture of my day... I need some meditation time... I need to figure out what the universe is trying to get me to see... We get to the baseball game, The Son and Daughter run ahead and are playing on the playground equipment as I bring up the rear. I grab The Son to get him on the field, thinking The Daughter watches us go. I sat down, I've been watching The Daughter on the jungle gym. She's sitting on the stairs doing what I think is playing with her toys she brought. 15 minutes later a mother comes over, asks if The Daughter is any of ours... she apparently didn't see me. I win bad mommy of the day award for giving my 4 year old the impression I'd abandoned her and she sobbed for a good 15 more minutes. 5 minutes after that, The Son runs over and lands squarely on my foot... I have flip flops on... he has cleets on. He didn't realize what he'd done as I'm screaming... I think he may actually have broken my toe because I can't move it and can barely feel it. After the game we head to the health food store where The Daughter runs smack dab head first into a newly put up store display made of metal, of course... you can imagine the wails from this. The moon is being a horrendous one this month. Must be time to start taking the homeopathics again but they won't help at this late stage...which means all I want to do is self-medicate and lay down somewhere... self-medication generally makes me stiffer and more tired in the morning for practice but, at this point, I think I may do it anyway... I'm in pain.

I swear I can't catch a break... just a small 5 minutes break would be nice.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:06 PM

The Plate That Broke

I can't believe the amount of things I'm having to do in a single day. I can't believe I'm actually accomplishing them with basically very little whining (except here in my personal space) and I've only gotten at my wit's end with the kids twice since Thursday. This morning I was determined to practice even though I knew my moon would start today. I stayed a long time in Samastithi this morning before starting... I was dedicating my practice to all the God/esses who could possibly help me make it through the next few weeks with grace and serenity -- whether I knew their names or not. When I started practicing I got a bit distracted by the girl next to me who began her practice in a very strange, non-ashtanga way and then told myself "drishte, breathe." I was pretty surprised when my practice started off pretty solid. Usually the first day after a long break is great, the second day hellacious. The girl next to me, it turns out, had never done ashtanga before and though Mysore was a led class. I ended up having to help her through the practice most of the way which threw off my breathing and focus a bit. I really wanted a more personal practice today but there's a reason I'm in the position of being the "giver" right now and I guess this was another wake-up call to whatever it is I'm supposed to be learning through this period of time. Nothing of major news to report as far as my practice. I got the Charlie Horse (as Cameron told me it was last night) in my calf again in Shalabasana and it is still there to a certain extent but not as painful as yesterday. I really like doing those two poses now and it seems like a better "ending" to the series for me than Krounchasana did. What is wierder is that for the past two practices, after Shalabasana, my backbends feel GREAT. They feel deeper and stronger and easier... whether this is from the break or from doing that pose first I don't know.

I stopped for more caffeine on the way home... I'm hopelessly addicted I suppose now. I told myself it is okay... I'll use it to get through this mess and then go without. I'll be okay. Once home I had to do my nursing duties which, today, for the first time (since Thursday!) included getting The Husband into the shower. Let's just say, this took me all morning but, heck, I think we both feel a lot better that he's finally clean :)

It wasn't until 1:08 pm that I realized I hadn't eaten a single thing all day.... no time for myself these days... and that, of course, the terrible headache was from lack of nourishment. I put a burrito in the microwave (remember no time for myself..no time to actually make food right now)... my work phone rang... I spent a good 45 minutes working through an issue with my boss, racking our brains as to what the problem could be with my platform... only to find out that the freaking SERVER my webservice runs off of was DOWN... turned off... no power. HOW IN THE HELL can a webserver be turned off without anyone realizing this would have a business impact? Finally, at 2pm I was able to go rescue my now horribly cooked burrito...grabbed the plate.. turned around to come back into my office when the plate shattered in half in my hands... and all over the tile floor. If I could have sat down on the ground right them and there and cried for an hour I would have. I would have sobbed and moaned and felt horribly sorry for myself but I realize that that isn't going to cut it.... that I just have to put myself through this period working on every minute as the minute that counts... and knowing that at some point, at some point, this too shall pass.

Now off to finish the laundry, The Son's baseball game (laundry has his baseball uniform in it, let's hope I get it done in time), dinner, nursing, baths, bedtime, nursing, maybe dinner for me, nursing and hopefully to bed. I've cornered The Nanny for extra help tomorrow and she's going to meet me in front of the "shala" to do a kid switch at 9am. I can't afford it and have no idea how I'm going to pay for it...but I guess I'll deal with that moment when it comes too.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:07 PM | Comments (1)

May 10, 2005

Baptise Yoga

Let me just detail my day today because I never want to forget what today was like... the barometer for how much worse my life can get or how much better it can only go...

I got up at 7:21... I slept late (Wait wait, before I chip her out of her due recognition because life is hell... The Daughter has slept all night in her room for the past 3 nights! WHOOHOO!!!!) because I had been up in the night with the various machines whirling and twirling, The Husband being completely uncomfortable and the general stress of life. I had to rush to get The Son dressed, fed, washed up, backpack packed, lunch packed, cut fresh flowers since today was flower day for Teacher Appreciation Week and to school. I then had to get home, do my nursing duties, get a shower, get The Daughter dressed, run to the Rec Center to try and sign up The Son for summer camp only to find out they don't open until noon, go to Starbucks to pick up gift certificates for The Daughter's teachers (same Teacher Appreciation Week deal..I'm room mom as if I needed to be the mother of anything else right now) and, okay, I got a chai with a shot in it too...shoot me. I dropped The Daughter off at gymnastics, flew over to the nursery to pick up some potted plants to go with the coffee certificates, got The Daughter, got home, fed her, helped The Husband get ready for his first doctor appointment, got The Daughter packed for school, drove her to the Godsend of a woman who was going to drive her to school, drove home, got The Husband, drove him to his doctor appointment (we were 10 minutes late)...tried to distract him with David Swenson's Manual as they removed his bandages then his stitches (it didn't work but it did help me learn the next few poses in the second series)... met the doctor's wife who has breast cancer at a VERY young age :( ... got The Husband home, out of the car, in the door, I went back out the door, got to The Son's school and promptly starting crying to one of my neighbors when she asked me how it was going, picked up The Son, went back to Rec Center where I blew $400 to sign him up for summer camp, drove to Vons to drop off the Darvocet prescription, drove to pick up The Daughter, made the obligatory stop at Baskin Robins since I promised her 3 nights in a big girl bed would get her ice cream (I did say I tried bribery didn't I?), got to Trader Joes (we were out of all food in the house)...oh wait, somewhere in there I stopped by Andrew By Way of Australia's house to get my tiffin with dinner in it... back to Vons to pick up prescription and get ice for ice pack machine, got home...found The Husband had come downstairs and then couldn't get back up... spent a good two hours dealing with the aftermath... started laundry (that hadn't been done in two weeks -- don't ask what we're wearing now), dealt with the neighbors all wanting to visit a man who wants no visitors... dealt with the emotional stuff going on... and here I sit. The only yoga I've done is the "My Daddy Is A Pretzel" flow which The Daughter reads to The Husband every single night before going to bed and makes me demonstrate the poses (although she seriously has a KILLER fish pose... she can't get into Pretzel -- which they call Marichasana but is really Ardha Matsy)...

Speaking of yoga... ever since yesterday my calf has been KILLING me. It's like permanent cramp and then when I tried to do the laundry, every time I bent over my hamstrings cinched up... like painful type of cramping. What am I lacking? Salt again?

Tomorrow has GOT to be a better day because today I haven't even breathed... I haven't sat down, I haven't eaten well.. I haven't thought about myself, not one time. I'm going fucking mad is what I'm going. I need some serious genki time...that's what I need (if you don't know, don't ask).

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:40 PM | Comments (3)

May 9, 2005

The Belly One

I didn't blog on Mother's Day... I figured it would be like scrounging in the garbage bin for something to say and what's the point in that. I did wake up (or, rather, arise for the day, I'd woken up a bazillion times before that) to my kids screaming Happy Mother's Day and hiding from me but I spent the rest of the day with my Nursmaid hat on. I bribed my kids by taking them to the toy store and then I got so burnt out that I drove an hour to my mother's house (leaving supplies by the bed for The Husband), dropped off the kids and went to the mall all by myself where I bought a cute little hippy skirt for $20... I left The Husband alone just slightly too long, however, and he went down the stairs on his own (this says one of two things to me -- either he's feeling a lot better or he's so stubborn he's determine to overdo himself and prolong this recovery). I guess he made it back to bed because that's where I found him when I got home... only somewhat recovered from the burnout.

I set the alarm clock for Mysore this morning... and was up most of the night -- refilling the ice bucket, making sure Percocet gets taken, listening to the whir of the machine that makes his leg go up and down and the other one that pumps the ice around his knee... I tried ear plugs -- they kept falling out. I then had some wierd dreams... mostly about cutting my hair. When I start dreaming about cutting my hair off, it generally means it is time. I'm just not sure I want to cut it off. It's so easy to just tie it back all the time but, then, I'm not doing anything with it, I'm just tying it back so why have it? Such a vicious girl dilemma ;)

At 6:14 I got up, groaning. I had no idea how or why I was going to go to practice but go I did. I also knew that I'd likely have a good practice because the first day back after a break is always rockin' -- it's the days following that blow. I was, however, pretty surprised that head to knees didn't hurt at all and was fairly easy from the first sun salutation but, of course, my strength was lacking. Tim said good morning in Parivrtta Trikonasana and I just wanted to sigh in relief that I was on the mat as he twisted my body all the way around... I think he might have thought I was sighing as in 'too much' but really it just felt so good. Standing poses were pretty good... Tim got my leg all the way straight and to my head in my adjust for Utthita Hasta Padagustasana which felt remarkable. During my adjustment in Mari C today I told Tim it felt like we were playing tug of war... he said we were :) but the adjustment really helps with the pain in my hip. Baddha K was a piece of cake today... I can't tell you how pleased I am to have that pose back. I tried the Dwi Pada before Supta Kurmasana again today... it's pretty easy to get my legs back there and it feels soooo damned good... so much better than getting into it the regular way... it's like a completely different pose... I actually sighed and just wanted to stay there for awhile... unfortunately, I couldn't quite figure out how to get back up with my legs crossed. I made it part way and then wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with my hands... I thought maybe I was supposed to take them up but when I moved them forward my legs came uncrossed (probably because I then moved my shoulders too)... afterwards Kiran told me I was supposed to put them by my hips which makes more sense. In pasasana today, with my mat under my heels, I was able to grab my wrist on one side. This surprised me since I swear I've gained at least 5 lbs in the past week... did I mention that not practicing has given my brain free license in eating crappy food? After Krounchasana during which I was told my driste was wrong (it was), I was given Shalabhasana... when I said "Is that the belly one?" Tim just looked at me. I have been purposefully not "looking ahead" in the series in anticipation of what's next. I have been doing that partially because I do not want to be motivated by whatever the next posture is and partially because I thought that's how you were supposed to do it...but I guess really you are supposed to know the names of them. I have to say, I've never liked this pose when I've done it in vinyasa classes before but I *really* liked the backbend in it today. I even felt like my shoulders were sufficiently up in B though Tim did tell me to go higher... So now I'm looking at what the next few postures are. I love Bhekasana so at least I'll know what that is when he says it ;)

As for the rest of my life journey, The Husband is doing better this morning... able to move around a bit more than in previous days. I've gotten yet another request from a company to do some consulting work which could lead to even more consulting work in the future. Very cool.... and it looks like this gig will take me Seattle for two days next month .... JumpsThur/OneCrooked let's hook up... and definitely I'll be practicing while up there!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:55 AM | Comments (2)

May 7, 2005

Saturday

I usually sit here and try to come up with some witty title that is either directly related to some thought process I'm trying to work out while I sit here typing or a jest of some sorts to poke humor at what are the edges of my life. Today all I can come up with is Saturday. Actually, the more I ponder on it, it's perfect. It's like some combination of work process thought issue and humor.

On the one hand today was, well, Saturday. In addition to the two children under 8 whom have their bazillion things to do in one day, I've also got the adult child for whom things are, well, bleak as hell. So those of you kidless wonders out there don't get the wrong impression from the word bazillion... this essentially means that The Son had a baseball game at 1pm BUT BUT BUT lest you say that isn't a bazillion things to do in one day you forget... you forget breakfast (twice usually because one sitting does't fill those tiny bellies), getting dressed (you have no idea what an ordeal this can be with a GIRL in the house... and I thought it was nurture.... hahahahaha), brushing teeth, brushing hair, washing faces (this is NOT by any means all one task such as grooming... no, you see, childless people, these 3 tasks take the greater part of the morning okay, well, of a half hour)... then there's the taking care of the house part, the clothes that need to get washed, all the dishes the bazillion things have created, the chores like picking up medicine, exchanging that necklace for the right shape all the way down in freakin' Fashion Valley... and on and on and on.... and usually there's two of me handling everything and right now I'm all by myself. My hat is freakin' off to every single One Parent Family right now... what a hard freaking job... I'd be insane if I did this by myself.. Which makes me somewhat inherently selfish because I'm not in the place I could give myself over to these little offspring entirely like I have seen some of my friends so effortlessly do... because, frankly, I've realized over the past 48 hours of doing this whole thing alone with a husband who's in more pain than I've ever seen him both physically and spiritually that I need my time on the mat and I'm over it being about the physical part. A couple days ago I was still somewhat rooted in attachment to the physical part (and likely will find myself at that portal again) but you know what's going CRAZY.. my brain. I need that time on the mat to quiet my brain from running from one bazillion thing to another... it's no wonder we have mad people in this world... all this stuff is crazy.

Oh and I almost forgot off there in my tangent that the coolest thing happened to me today. MAN, I love this computer thing. I swear to everything binary that I love what I do because making this stuff work is the coolest thing on the planet (okay, that's decidedly outing myself as a true geek but, whatever, you know who you are too). I think one of the coolest inventions if IM (Instant Messenger). I've met more people for my career via IM than I ever knew possible... and, even some friends... and I don't have many people on it (I know some geekdom friends who have like 100 people on their IM list) but a couple of lone, not sure why I have these people on my list kinda ones. So today one of them pinged me about something sorta work related but not really work related more networking related. We ended up in this huge conversation that cumulated in her basically coming up with a way we could work together... it's funny because I get bored with what I'm doing (for you geekdomers: this is the time when you've done the architecture and created the masterpiece and you have to like grease the wheels... I hate that part) and then these opportunities just show up for me. But wierder still is that I just realized why this title is Saturday! When I was telling The Husband about the ping and the potential for travel coming up soon with regard to it the first thing I said in reflection is... "Gosh, it's wierd it was on a Saturday."

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:01 PM

May 6, 2005

The Day Goes By

I haven't not blogged once a day for a long time. I make it something that has to get done and I usually do it sometime right after checking my email and before actually sitting down to do some real work. That might explain why it is 7:09pm and I still haven't blogged. The other reason is that usually in the span of 24 hours that generally passes between one blog writing session and another, something of note has crossed my brain (of note to me at least) but today... well, today has been a blur, a flurry of role switching at the drop of a hat between nursemaid, mother, nursemaid, videographer, nursemaid, chauffer, nursemaid, errand girl, nursemaid, employer, mother, nursemaid. Highlights of my day include:

- The Husband deciding that he should only take half his pain medication first thing this morning which rendered him complete misery by 9am and me feeling like a helpless schmuck for lack of a way to help him through his misery... and the other half of me angry at his inability to follow directions or, rather, his stubborn ways of ignoring the doctor's orders.

- The Husband figuring out at about 9:30 that our phones have an intercom system on them... and the following 10 hours of "What is that noise? Oh yea... the intercom."

- Figuring out that the trick of freezing little water bottles to fill the ice chest running the cold therapy pack around The Husband's knee didn't work, running through the rain to my neighbor's house (where The Nanny just happened to be working) to steal two big huge bowls full of ice (think the neighbors wondered what happened to it)... and realizing 10 hours later, I also stole a bowl.

- The Daughter has been a lovely nursemaid assistant; however, the joy of her calling has become so rapturous for her that getting her out the door to ballet with The Nanny was a feat in and of itself (let's not even talk about getting The Husband to the restroom for the first time).

- The Husband (yes, after one of those intercom buzzings) proceeding to tell me he has the chills... and the thermometer registering 100... the doctor's sheet says to call at 101 (in an interesting twist, the doctor told him to inhale deeply 10 times and on the last time to cough it out... this should reduce his fever and he should perform this yogic practice ;> once an hour... I've never heard of this before).

- Watching The Son do his first on-stage play at school. He was Narrator #6 in a first grade version of Stone Soup and he did a spectacular job. We videotaped it so that The Husband could watch it (actually we all watched it together) as soon as everyone returned from their respective out of the house activities.

- In an effort to be a wonderful wife, I ran to the bookstore to pick out magazines (mostly The Husband only reads things with lots of pictures) only to realize that I got so rapped up in doing so that I had barely enough time to get the food supplies and ice I so desperately needed before I had to get The Daughter, fill the cold therapy pack, pay The Nanny (okay, okay, The Nanny did get The Daughter in the car for me and provide her with juice which I would have told her I didn't have time to help her with), help The Husband to the toilet, pack a snack since The Son never came home from school and retrieve The Son's baseball outfit, get The Son from rocket class (yes building rockets -- now I have to buy AlkaSeltzer so he can launch the latest one), get The Son fed and changed within 4 minutes to get him to baseball on time, all with a 4 year old running circles around me, under me and, sometimes I swear, through me... and beg another parent to please return The Son home since there's no possible way I can wait out a near two hour practice worried that The Husband has to pee, has a fever or just might flat out need something. I did all this in 30 minutes -- did I mention that I am Super-Mom?

- Make dinner, feed, bathe and otherwise cleanup after not two children but the adult child I currently am watching.

---- and to finally sit and check my email. No mention of a mat in there... but 7th series.... this I am working on today.

Tomorrow is a baseball game, more nursing duties... and the kids have decided that they really really wanted the heart shaped version of the gift we agreed on for The Grandma instead of the round one I already got so I will have to rush to the mall to exchange it with two kids in tow.... a couple of girls from the shala are having a Goddess Party but I'm not going to hold my breath that I can go... I'm debating paying The Nanny to watch the kids so I can... my checkbook, however, is looking at me like "Yea right." Sunday is a moon day -- so Monday will be the first time I'm likely to be able to practice on a mat... I asked The Nanny to come early, I've begged a neighbor to pick up the son on the street... I might, just might, actually make it (you know, barring more fever, bumps in the night or the damned phone intercom beeping at 6:25am).

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:09 PM

May 5, 2005

Drunk Mommies

Every single day I get one hit on my blog for "drunk m o m s" -- I can't figure out why that many people would be searching the internet for women who have had offspring and who have had too much to drink. These hits nearly always come from a Middle Eastern country (either Iran or Saudi Arabia) and, very seldom, from the UK. The hit makes it to a post I had years ago about a night out with the girls on the street where we had a very good time that involved a lot of alcohol. Heck, with the stress of kids, we're allowed to do that sometimes. What I can't figure out is what people are searching for with that phrase. Having a stat counter is interesting. Most of the time I forget to check it but occasionally I'll look and see something of interest. For example, I now have a regular visitor from a big huge law firm. This comes in handy if I ever need a job ;> hahaha just kidding. I have no idea who this person is but it always makes me wonder if they stumbled upon me by chance, via yoga or if they know me from some professional circle (which, in truth, would scare me ;>). I know that, even though we rarely speak anymore, my friend B still reads because I can see his hits from his very prominent company's domain name on the log. I know that Cameron sometimes reads from school and sometimes from home and when he does which. I know that a lot of women get diagnosis of echogenic heart foci and find my pages out of fear (my heart goes out to you). I know that lots of people are afraid of handstands and even more people want to learn how to get up from a backbend (myself included!). Fascinating stuff all around actually.

The Husband is upstairs on his first round of Percocet. The Daughter has been an amazing nurse reading to him since she got home (I wonder if this is amazingly helpful to him or just to me ;>). She's fascinated with all the "stuff" he's got around him -- drug drip tube, ice package thing that pumps ice cold water around his knee, knee bending machine that makes his leg move... it's an all around medical facility in here.

My brain is quickly trying to figure out how to practice. I figure if I prey on the kindness of my neighbors I can probably get someone to take The Son to school M/W/F and The Nanny will come at 8am. The problem is that then The Son won't have anyone to make him breakfast, pack his lunch (which I could do the night before but then he'd have to remember to put it in his bag), get his clothes on, don't forget socks and shoes, homework and to make it to the sidewalk for his ride. I'm wondering if I made a list of things he must do if he could follow them (if this were my 4 year old girl (if she could read) it would be no problem...but the 7 year old boy would get distracted by item 2). So now I'm debating whether it is worth it to pay the nanny $36 for me to practice.... probably not huh?

(edited to add: On This Day is great...did you know that on this day 2 years ago was the first time I ever got into a handstand by myself against a wall!)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:10 PM | Comments (1)

The Cadaver Family

So here I sit in the waiting room for The Husband to wake up from the drugs they've given him. I just got to see nice microscope pictures of his knee... As it turns out the news was better than expected. First, the Allograft they received was from a 36 year old female who was in great shape and her ACL tendon was, apparently, in the best shape the doctor has ever seen. Second, the MCL was intact and so instead of a meniscus tear, the piece of the ACL that blew out had gotten stuck between his knee bones rendering him unable to straighten out the leg. The bad news is that he's laid up and will be for quite some time. The doctor just informed me that he can't drive for a minimum of two weeks... minimum and likely longer. He will not be able to surf for NINE MONTHS!!! This is going to kill him spiritually... He probably won't be "up kicking a ball around with the kids" for at least two months. I feel so bad for him because he's such an active guy this is going to really really be a difficult time for him to get through.

As for me, well, clearly, without him being able to drive, I'm going to have to do everything with regard to the kids which means no yoga or, at least, no Mysore.... if I can find a way to make yoga at all I'll be lucky. The practice of non-attachment... I guess I'm just going to have to start practicing that a bit earlier than I thought. The doctor told me I'm going to have to recruit help because he's basically incapacitated for awhile even after the initial two weeks, he's not going to be able to do much.

In the meantime, I'm sick... I took Nyquil last night just to give myself some much needed sleep and The Husband slept with The Daughter because he felt so bad for me. This morning as I was waiting for him to go into the OR I was having mild panic attacks as I realized I will be alone when I go through this.... I was giving him a back rub and I realized he won't be there... I have no spiritual or emotional deep connection with my mom in that way and so I'll be facing inward while I sit in that same chair.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:57 PM

May 4, 2005

Running Out of Steam

Boy, have I been a barrel of fun blog lately or what? I've decided to change my attitude and listen to my body. My body has not wanted to practice, my body has been hurting and tired and this morning my body is very clearly telling me that I either sit up and take notice or I'm going to be sick... well, in truth, I'm feeling sick already. Scratchy throat, eyes are burning, headache, I was up most of the night and I can't even blame it on The Daughter this time. So I decided not to practice. I decided that I need something, not sure what yet, but I need something...maybe some time on a cushion instead of a mat, maybe I just need sleep... maybe I just need time but what I'm doing right now is definitely not helping me. I'm quite sure a lot of it is purely stress related -- as if it wouldn't be. So in a decidedly un-Virgo way, I'm going to give myself a break ... or, at the very least, try to give myself a break since I'm not really sure what that means.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:02 AM | Comments (5)

May 3, 2005

What? 24 Hours?

So, The Husband had to go see a second surgeon today... that's how bad it apparently is. The second surgeon agrees with the first surgeon that surgery is not avoidable and must be done ASAP... as in Thursday. He'll have Allograft (ie., a tendon from a cadaver) as that is apparently the best choice for him given his anatomical makeup (too short a something or other for a donor site) and then he'll be laid up... and "no sports" for 6-9 months. MONTHS! Did I mention before that my husband is extremely active? For those of you that have met him you know this is probably one of the most painful things both physically and mentally he's probably ever going to go through. I told him tonight about Eileen Hall's technique of breathing herself through her practice in her mind, something I will probably take under my own consideration and practice while in the hospital. I'm not sure catching waves is quite the same though.

Fortunately for us tonight was date night -- though we are both so busy that it turned into date wine and dinner. We stopped and had a lovely glass of "Big Ass" Cabernet (no, really, that's the name of the wine) at Wine Steals in Hillcrest and then went to our favorite all-time restaurant, California Cuisine, for dinner where I had one of the absolute best meals of my life.... so good that I actually ate it ALL and, as a result, I'm so fucking full I can barely walk... we'll see if I can make it to practice in the morning given how much I've eaten and the two glasses of wine I've had.

All in all, the next couple days are going to be hard.... hard.... very hard. The thing is, in all our history together, we've always done everything all at once... we bought a house together, I graduated from college with a BSCS, he with a Masters degree all in a two month span. We had our kids and our wedding anniversary all within 3 weeks... we seem to just do everything all at the same time... we'll get through this as we get through everything... with a small amount of grace and some perservance.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:40 PM

2am Chat-A-Thons

The Daughter got up sometime in the middle of the night (yes, I was awake to hear her rise), paddled into the room and proceeded to have a couple hours of conversation with me. First her arm hurt, then her belly... then she needed to tell me how sad she would be if I left for a trip... Needless to say, the alarm for 5:45 was turned off somewhere around 4am as I knew there was no way I could make a practice. I planned on going to Dennis Dean's new place since I could make it home by 8:30.... The Husband had his appointment with the surgeon today at 9. The news is not good... in fact, practice may be scarce from here on out until after I heal from my own surgery. The Husband has torn not only his ACL but also his MCL and apparently the tear is so bad and unstabilizing that they are ordering emergency surgery.... like sometime in the next few days. Once he has the repair to his ACL he'll then have to wear a full leg brace to immobilize his MCL and make it heal correctly. This means no driving!!!!! NO DRIVING!!!!! I have no idea what I'm going to do. Without help I have to get one child to school at 8:00, another child to gymnastics at 10am... child to school at 1:00pm, pick up child at 2:30, pick up child at 4:00... On top of that, our financial state just got reamed because much like my breast reconstruction, our options for ACL repair are about the same -- either take donor site tissue thereby impacting your body at the donor site, or use allograft (cadaver tendon)... with the allograft being the better option but insurance doesn't cover it in the case of ACL either. I think we are all seriously, seriously bummed out. How we are going to pay for both of our surgeries, summer school for the kids to keep them entertained while we heal, preschool for next year and everything else I have no idea... I'm wondering if I should cancel my surgery ...but honestly I don't know if I can go back to it if I cancel it... I don't know if I have the mental stamina to go here again.

When it rains, it pours... and I can't see the sun right now.

And.... let's amend this post to add that I just found The Husband, who if you remember was "reorganized" yet again, has to take a job that means he is in Orange County 3 days a week... Where my practice fits into all this is beyond me.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:38 AM | Comments (4)

May 2, 2005

Blog-Watch

If it weren't for my blog I probably wouldn't have gone to practice this morning. The wierd psychic phenomenon of waking up 5 minutes before The Daughter comes into our room has continued only last night was more like 15 minutes. I had thoughts of just going to get her after the first 5 but then I harbored the secret fantasy that maybe she wouldn't be coming and my waking up was just fluke... Fantasy! I woke up at 6:14. The alarm goes off at 6:15. I turned it off and pulled the covers up... finding all the excuses in my mind for why I shouldn't go... and eventually realized that if I didn't go, I'd have to blog about not going and I didn't want to own up to that.... so some motivation to become bigger than myself I went...

The first sun salutation was painful. It's a rare event that I can't put my palms flat on the ground, a pretty rare event that I can't, by about sun salutation 3, touch head to knees fairly easily... but this morning... I don't even think I got to that point by Utkatasana. I told myself, in honor of Pema Chodron... just breathe and meditate into this and it will happen... by sitting I had a vision of asking Tim "Is it better to do less poses or skip vinyasa?" I had the vision of lying and saying I had to leave early. In the end, I did all my vinyasas and I didn't skip poses. It goes without saying that I didn't have a remarkable practice physically nor emotionally. I had a practice and that's what I really needed (although I did get put into Dwi Pada before Supta Kurmasana again today... and it felt SOOOO good but I couldn't exit correctly... mostly because I had my hair in a tight bun which meant that my ankles were crossed right over it giving me a head burn as well as making it much harder to keep my legs there... next time, the hair has to come down before attempting Supta K this way). By the time I got to Baddha Konasana I was actually happy that I made it to practice and I could see some clear sky through the haze. Tim came and laid over me in Baddha K. I certainly wasn't as loose today as I normally am but, regardless, chin was down without drama. We're going on a week now and that feels good. I even did backbends... which I had planned on skipping as my back felt pinched and tight in every upward dog. In the end R did my backdrops and after coming up from the last one I saw Tim watching from across the room. R does it different than Tim with me... holding me at the base of my thighs rather than behind my hips and, for some reason, this makes it a lot easier for me to use more of my own strength (although R might disagree with that :>). Someday I might accomplish getting my hips back out over my knees. I've been watching how JMS does it as he is very tall like me but I think the strength isn't there yet so I'm not going to push it.

I still don't know what is going on internally but, you know what is wierd... this "On This Day" feature is tripping me out. First, if you go back to 2002, today was the day that I had the wierd hives experience. In a yoga class I broke out in massive hives all over...they lasted for days. Why is this wierd (well, aside from the fact that getting exercise hives is wierd enough in itself)...because this morning while I was sitting on my mat waiting for Pranayama to finish I felt that tickle on the back of my neck and I thought "Holy crap I'm not going to get hives or shingles am I?" (the start of shingles feels the same way -- I've gotten them 3 times now...the last two on the base of my neck). If you go back to 2003, I wrote this at the end of my post: Frustrated, chaotic and basically strung out -- not a good combination Sound familiar? Maybe there is something around this date... something I'm unaware of that resonates with me or something in the movement of the planet.

I changed the books on the side. I'm in a book club and the next book is The Conspiracy of Paper. I started it yesterday. I hate it. In fact, I can barely read it. The person who chose this book is sensitive and I feel very obligated to read it but, honestly, I don't think I can... maybe it's one of those books that gets better as you go further? Anyone read it?

So, thanks to my readers... for without your watchful eye, I probably wouldn't have gotten on my mat today and, in the end, it was just what I needed.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:30 AM | Comments (3)

May 1, 2005

Discipline

I didn't practice today. Truth be told I have no desire to practice. I had a crappy night with The Husband, an even crappier morning and there is not one ounce of my soul that wishes to unroll my mat. Not even an ioata. It's funny because I think I can honestly say this is the first time in 3+ years that I simply don't want to go to practice and can't see wanting to go again anytime soon. I realize that's dramatics talking but I just feel completely undone.

It was with these thoughts that I read the following passage from When Things Fall Apart:

I remember the first retreat I led after The Wisdom of No Escape had been published. Most people came to the retreat because they were inspired by the notion of maitri that permeates that book. About the third day of the program, we were all sitting there meditating when one woman suddenly stood up, stretched a bit, and lay down on the floor. When I asked her about it later, she said, "Well I felt so tired that I thought I'd be kind to myself and give myself a break." It was then that I realized I needed to talk about the magic of discipline and not being swayed by moods.

The first time I meditated with Trungpa Rinpoche's students was in 1972. He hadn't been in North America for long, and his scene, as we used to call it, was just beginning to evolve. In one corner of the room, a man had propped himself up on three round cushions, and every five or ten minutes they'd all come crashing down. Then he'd set up his cushions again and continue. Another student kept jumping up and running out of the room crying. She did that about five times in a one-hour sitting. When we began walking meditation there were as many different, eccentric styles as there were people. One person would bend deeply at the knee and sort of float upward on each step; someone else was walking backward. The whole thing was totally entertaining and totally distracting. Not long after that, Rinpoche slowly began to introduce a standard meditation-room form, and things settled down considerably.

What we discpline is not our "badness" or our "wrongness." What we discpline is any form of potential escape from reality. In other words, discpline allows us to be right here and connect with the richness of the moment.

....

(discussed meditational activity)... This simple repetitive process is like inviting that basic richness into our lives. SO we follow the instruction just as centuries of meditators have done before.

I couldn't think that this passage could speak more clearly to me or be so exactly how I feel about Ashtanga Yoga.

So though I have absolutely no desire to even locate my mat right now... I will roll it out tomorrow morning... for that is my discipline... or, at least, the one I'm striving for.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:18 PM | Comments (4)