facing inward

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April 30, 2005

Universal Workings

See the Universe really is working outside of us... yes... I thought I wanted to be numb from it all...but the Universe was just trying to tell me not to get too attached to practicing tomorrow afterall... why? Because The Daughter is freaking out, will be up all night... which means no sleep for mommy. The Son has decided to egg her on and now our romantic evening for two is summarily dismissed and replaced with an evening of 4 year old logic (this means no logic), sleep disorders and genuine mommy daddy frustration.... ah, parenting... 7th series.

(and, yes, I'm escaping to type this update... because, well, I need 5 minutes by myself before my long evening begins... well it already did begin, I've been laying in the Hello Kitty bed for 15 minutes with no end in sight)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:54 PM

Seriously Amiss

Something must be springing forth because I'm having a really hard time deciding if I want to have a mellow evening or just get totally ripped. I've had a half glass of wine and I feel like I want to drink a whole bottle (truth be told I'd never make it that far anymore). I can clearly feel myself wanting to numb out... wanting to not think... wanting to just be away for awhile. Very aware of it. The trick is, do I want to escape for awhile and let whatever is brewing come forth via my own incapability to stop it or try to stay present and see if I can discover what it is. Of course, the Virgo in me is nagging at the darker side telling myself... if I drink, no practice tomorrow.... What to do?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:11 PM | Comments (1)

I Never Said Fat

The Son's baseball game this morning rocked.... of course, when we first got there none of the mom's were there and so I berated myself and The Husband saying "See, I know H went to practice this morning, I should have too." But, eventually they all came straggling in and The Son had a wonderful, wonderful game -- he hit (and made it within 3 pitches), he ran and even ran fast enough to outrun the ball and a tag and he had fun and even managed to throw some balls with a bit of a semblance of "correct form." The weather was perfect (and is still) for a ballgame, sun shining on my back, tank top and flip flops... ah, Southern California, it's why I live here!

After errands and lunch out I did something I've never in my entire life done before, something I can't believe I'm about to put into print, something I can't believe I'm actually about to own up to... I colored my hair. Don't get me wrong, as a hair model for awhile and through the "darkest dungeon" days of my youth, I've had my hair colored a lot. In fact, I probably have had, in the past, friends color my hair (though I can't even recall those times but I imagine that the one time I had punk rock orange in my hair which caused it to fall out probably wasn't professionally done) and I even used Sun-In religiously when I lived in the desert (for what reason I don't know but I did have a nice streak of blonde in my brown hair far before it was popular and did I mention that I had a side tail far before Aimee Mann ever made it popular)... but I've never actually colored my own hair before. I swear for the past 2 months the grey in my hair has gone from one or two strands to serious grey... to the point that D, my best friend, actually stopped me on the street and said "Woah!" (lameo :>). I really should have just went and had it colored but in my desire to become less attached to the more expensive things in life, I've realized that paying what I pay is simply too much.... so I went to Target and I browsed but couldn't bring myself to do it. The truth is, I had no idea what I was in for...rows upon rows of different haircolor products with different names and applications and what not. Then driving home I realized, I have to do something..this grey makes me feel bad (I guess I really should be practicing less egoism)... so I went to Rite-Aid and bought something... and I put it on. Let me tell you, it is not easy to apply these products when your hair is as long as mine (past bra level but not to my waist)... but I did it... and 25 minutes later most of the grey is gone...enough that I don't feel like a complete old far and enough remains that it doesn't look like I went out and bought a box of color... at least I think that's what it looks like. Today I'm reveling in my ego...

For the record, I did not reach my goal last night. I realized I had broken my self-promise as I sat down in front of the TV to watch the movie in a modified version of konasana... and was feeling the stretch and then I said "OOOPPPSSS." Later, standing up, I found myself stretching my hamstrings... and said ooops again... but, hey, two infringements isn't bad.... is it?

Wooo...looking through my "On This Day" is so great... what a trip down memory lane and, holy cow, look at much I've changed from that picture with The Daughter in sling... My face looks so "not skinny" (I never said fat...)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:26 PM | Comments (1)

April 29, 2005

Now It's Later

I originally thought I'd do the first series class at my club tonight... It started 36 minutes ago and I'm here, having my second beer. Around 1pm I just slowed so far down that I had nowhere left to go, so tired... I actually took a nap while paying The Nanny $12 per hour to watch my child. After I watched Oprah... the entire time saying to myself "You should go practice, you should go practice" and then realizing that I had, long ago, made the decision not to practice today and that I should practice this attachment to the practice here and now by being OKAY with not practicing. In fact, I made a deal with myself that for the rest of today I will not drop into a stretch while cooking, standing, sitting or otherwise enjoying some thing or other. I will not "play" with my physical asana while watching the kids ride bikes or watching a movie with The Husband tonight (Finding Neverland -- not excited about watching it). We'll see if I can manifest that promise...

Instead of practice, I've had a lot of meditational quality time. Not time sitting in formal meditation but quiet time to think -- it is a very rare event when both kids and The Husband are out of the house at the same time. Some things that went through the brain were about the whole "athlete" thing -- The Husband made headway... it's because I do not think of yoga as a sport and I think of athletes as people who do a sport. Semantics. Other things involved Body Image and Consciousness and how I feel about myself and how it relates to those around me... in talking about this over dinner I was relating the interaction between myself and The Butcher at the health food store today. I wasn't buying anything but was walking past on my way to the sushi counter when The Butcher says "Hey, haven't seen you in awhile, good to see you." So I explain that I tried to stop eating meat again as an experiment and he says "Wait, let me stop you... you've always been tall and skinny..." at this point in the story The Son interrupts me and says "MOM! You aren't skinny!" The Husband and I had to suppress guffaws... it's one thing to think you don't look so hot, another to have your 7 year old very clearly tell you you aren't thin :) Of course, 7 year old impressions of thin are much different than the context we were discussing and we since learned that The Son doesn't believe The Husband is skinny either (which, for those of you that have met him would be silly to say anything other).

I've now lost my train of thought (that's what one beer does to me these days). So here's what I do know right now:

-- I didn't do one ioata of work today although I paid The Nanny $12 per hour for 5 hours to watch my child. I have no real idea what I did other than deliver my tiffin and The Daughter's old tricycle to Andrew By Way of Australia from the shala, buy a new yoga top because I really only 4 that fit me and practicing 5 days a week means I need 5, exchange a baby present that I never bothered to give to the baby who is now older than the gift I got and lounged on my bed watching Oprah (OMG I've never watched afternoon TV on my bed before!).

-- I'm now in the process of missing The Blasters because my husband is too laid up (did I mention that thanks to OKRGR we called and got the MRI results and he's either torn his ACL or the ACL was too difficult to see due to localized swelling) and I have no friends to go with me and I'm too chicken to go it alone.

-- I just spent $40 on tickets to see Peter Murphy at the new House of Blues opening here in San Diego next week. I can't wait to hear that sexy sexy sexy voice again... even if he's looking a bit old.

-- I have to decide between being a good mommy tomorrow and watching The Son's baseball game or going to yoga... all the more reason to beat myself up for skipping out on tonight.

-- The Daughter is probably about to lose her other front tooth in yet another accident... she bit it on her bike and, for whatever reason, doesn't block her falls, boom into her face, and now the gumline is turning a nasty gray and the tooth appears loose... no front teeth for two years... *sigh*

-- I've still been thinking about the lady outside the shala yesterday who thought I was making a decision to have preventative mastectomy from fear... Grappling with integrating what I should learn from that experience into my vision... and then I saw this comic into this week's San Diego Reader and all of it went away...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:35 PM | Comments (4)

Later Today....

Gavin was up in the night...coughing...coughing...coughing. I don't think he is really sick, probably allergies which means it is time for a hit from the acupuncturist but it does mean he probably did feel somewhat sick yesterday (though I'm sure he didn't feel sick enough to stay home because you bet when we told him today if he still didn't feel good he could stay home he said "NOOOOOOOOO! I'm going to school! School!")... bad parents for having doubt.

With him up, Seren up... and knowing Tim was out of town my entire motivation to get up at 6am was gone.. so I turned off the alarm clock and slept until 7:15. I figure I can go do the first series class tonight at my club (until I realized that I believe my favorite club teacher is out of town) and suck it up...maybe I'll be more limber in the nighttime and can try dwi pada before supta kurmasana again :)

I did want to blog about a thought I had last night... recently I've posted a couple times about the word "athlete" being attached to myself or the general practice of ashtanga yoga. For some reason, I haven't been able to embrace that word with regard to myself and I finally figured out why... it's because my practice doesn't in anyway seem to be the "go to the gym, run a hundred miles, swim 50,000 laps" type of activity. It's so not athletic to me. It's very physical but not athletic and I think the difference in my brain is the spiritual component of the practice... the me time, the meditation quality. I've been reading When Things Fall Apart and all the discussion of meditation I would have, in years gone by, equated that with my sitting practice but I don't sit anymore because, well, frankly, I'm lucky to get my 2 hour practice let alone time to sit by myself (someday..someday...) but my practice is definitely my meditation and has the same qualities.

By the way, that book list over there... I'm always reading a billion books at once. I just finished the last one on the list and I'm still really fumbling with where to place it in my brain and heart. It's the story of a girl who is abused by her father in the night... she leaves her body to escape from his breath (all about the breath!) and I'll tell you... I read this book in 24 hours... I'm still grappling with the implication of the breath in this book and my own issues with my throat chakra and certain postures which extend through the neck with breath... as well as the book in general. I think I'm even too much involved in my own stuff to really process it right now. I love when shit like that happens to me...it forces me to think about something which may have been too easy to blow off before.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:14 AM | Comments (1)

April 28, 2005

When The Cat's Away

Today we had another milestone in our house... today was the first time my child has ever faked sick. We still aren't quite sure why he faked sick but we knew he was faking it regardless. I'm up in the air as to whether something was going on in school (which I seriously doubt, it's first grade afterall and the hardest thing to do he's already done) or if he just wanted to stay home and build more model space shuttles and play Gameboy (seriously leaning towards this) but I decided we'd do the "believing in the story" thing but not allow the day at home to be fun. So far, I don't think he's enjoyed being home much ;-)

It was pouring down rain on the way to yoga this morning and some guy in front of me must have been totally drunk or on drugs because he was seriously having problems staying in his own lane. I hate when that happens because you have no idea if it is better to stay behind or in front of said person and, at times, they give you no choice. When the 7am class emptied we all converged on the room for our spot... I ended up on the other side of the room than I usually practice at today which put me a little off kilter for some reason... and then we all discovered Tim was out of town... funny because I acutally knew he was going to be out of town as he had told me that he was going up for Guruji's last two days in SF but I forgot. It's then that you have the momentary, well, shoot, I'm completely not motivated so maybe I should leave now ;) Actually, that doesn't happen for me much... I actually have better practices when Tim isn't there. I'm not sure why but everytime it happens to me. So it was a wierd day in the shala for people were doing various criminal behaviours -- people doing second when they haven't been given it, people cheating, people trying different things that we don't seem to get to try when under the watchful eye of our teacher, we talk a lot more... make jokes across the room ;) A bunch of scittering mice. So we'll just skip to Supta Kurmasana... I saw the girl next to me attempting to get into Dwi Pada before Supta Kurmasana... I have never even attempted Dwi Pada before and since the teacher was standing right there I asked him about it. He said "Sure, let's try it!" and, surprise to me, getting into Dwi Pada with help was, well, pretty easy. I was surprised because I know I can get my left leg back but not usually my right and I can't keep either of them there..but with the crossing of the ankles its easier to keep them there... after getting me into it, he had me put my hands in Namaste for a couple breaths then put myself down into Supta K and I have to say "AHHHHHH!" what a great feeling. I've never done it this way before but the entire posture just seemed to work better, feel better, have more clarity. I understand from conversations after that this is totally crim until you've reached Dwi Pada in second but I really really liked it :) I got personal instruction in Krounchasana from the lovely Kiran today... on how to get my leg straighter and bring me weight into different places to make the posture more correct.. adn then she tried to get me to stand up. I am still uncommitted though :) Using her strength instead of my own legs but I just don't seem to get how to get my hips more forward so that the weight shifts. I think it must be a mental block and if I could just really feel it one time then I would understand how to get there. Someday when the time is right that will happen.

After practice my friend introduced me to this woman who had breast cancer and a mastectomy... it was a little disconcerting when she basically laid into me about my decisions and told me that I needed to get out from under the fear. That if I did get cancer there are better treatments than chemo out there now. First -- while they may be working on better treatments than chemo, the standard of care is still mastectomy and chemotherapy. Second -- I don't think I'm living in fear... in fact, I view this decision much like I viewed the decision to have a homebirth. I wasn't fearful of birthing in a hospital but I didn't want to go through that experience so I made an informed choice to have a different type of birth. In the case of mastectomy, I don't want to go through the experience of cancer and cancer treatment so I'm making an informed choice to have the procedure that I'm having. To me it is about weighing the pros and cons and figuring out which fits into your quality of life. So while having a baby in a hospital can be a wonderful experience, there were all kinds of things I simply didn't want to deal with and the life experience I wanted was available by giving birth at home. While I'm sure there are many new treatment programs coming up for breast cancer, I just don't want to deal with cancer altogether. If I was facing a deforming procedure or even the options that are available to me here in California I might make a more conservative approach but the procedure I'm having, while still removing my breasts, the reconstruction is probably a much lesser evil and recovery period than any type of cancer treatment they've got in the works up to now.... Anyway, she really just sorta spun me out... I really don't believe I'm living in a state of fear, I don't believe we can argue with genetics, I don't believe that getting cancer and dealing with it would be any better an experience than the choice I'm making now... in fact, I think it would all around be far more damaging both psychologically and physically. Different opinions are what make the world go 'round though... Fear is something I've embraced over and over in my life, not something I have an issue owning up to and I readily admit I do have fear... of course I do. Am I making the right choice? Will surgery hurt? Will I die? Will my breasts be these horrendous beasts that give me problems? In my heart I know I've made the right choice for me and in my heart freedom from the fear means knowing that everything else is a bridge I can cross when I get there.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:48 PM | Comments (4)

April 27, 2005

Shoved Aside

Groaaaannnn.... Last night The Daughter began telling me that she "wasn't sleeping well" at night. I interpreted this as more ammo for her reasons as to not sleeping all night in her own bed and/or wanting her big brother to sleep with her. There is a thread at YAAPS right now about sleep issues and my friend, Debra, has mentioned that she believes she created some of her kids' sleep issues... I do too. I think I've made The Daughter dependent on sleeping next to a warm body and I don't think it's going to end anytime soon so I must bite the bullet and reap what I've sown. As usual, when putting her to bed she says "I'll see you when I come in your room!" in that jovial "Isn't this going to be fun" fashion... in my mind I'm begging the Gods to just give me one night of pure no nonsense 8 hour sleep. I don't know at what point in the night she came into my bed as I couldn't see the clock last night (a whole 'nother story about The Husband's injury that he's now convinced is going to leave him permanent disabled) but she started talking to me "Mommy, I'm just not sleeping well..." I finally got her to stop talking, rolled over to sleep when she's tapping me awake again "Mommy, move over, I need more room." I couldn't even argue that she's 1/3 the size of me and I was already on the edge of the bed, I just wanted to sleep. I finally looked at the clock to see if I should just get up, it was only 5:20am so I figured that would give me another hour of sleep... only when the alarm clock went off I didn't even recognize what it was... oh so tired. I'm just too old to be pulling these 4 year old all-nighters! Up I went, to yoga I went, rolled out my mat (again right next to the wall that isn't straight) and OW felt those hamstrings. I'm now completely convinced that my practice has less to do with what I eat than how well I sleep. I actually had an okay practice... I was surprised that I still had some strength. The room was so packed today, it's the first time I've seen the Best Western that packed... but because of the bodies there was TEN TONS of heat in the room (I even had to put my Yogi Toes down at Bhudjapindasana which I never do) and I had very little room between me and the wall... so little that when my teacher tried to adjust me in Mari D, he couldn't.. he just laughed and said "You didn't leave me much room." I could roll in Garbha because my legs were going to hit the wall... it was probably the best day to have logistical difficulties because it gave me enough room to cheat a bit being so tired. I also got an adjustment in Pasasana today... two actually... first the hand to wrist bind, the twist all the way around and then the forefinger to the edge of my mouth indicating I should start smiling or something ;) All in all, just an okay practice but I did want to note a couple things. First, I was just elated that the ease of Baddha K stayed with me today even on a day when I wasn't feeling so well and Mari C was painful. I hesitated for a moment before going down and I had to ease myself more into it, first putting my head on the ground then extending a bit more to get my chin down but all in all, no drama... Maybe I'm finally coming back from the depths of that pose. The other thing I noted was about progress. Last night I spent some time working on the blogging side of Ashtangi.NET. I upgraded the software to the latest version, I implemented a couple new features which you can now see on my blog over there on the left -- the "On This Day" and "On the Nightstand" blurbs... the On This Day essentially goes through all my archives for today's date and determines if I had an entry on this same day in any other year and, if so, puts a link to it. This is awesome and I can't wait to use it myself... why, because it brings life back into perspective. I was testing it last night and my posts bring me back to the awareness of how far I've come physically and mentally in my practice... not only as it pertains to yoga but also my parenting and my personal journey. It should be a useful tool to see what can happen in the span of a year and where I'm stagnant at as well. I had this thought as I was entering Supta Kurmasana today... I remember distinctly not too long ago that it was a big deal to me if I could bind on my own and now binding is a given, ankles crossed is a given...

In addition to where I was personally with the On This Day, it's also fascinating for me to see who used to comment. If you look at today's all of my friends used to be moms that I don't think stop by here anymore (most of them said they didn't understand the yoga lingo ;>)... today's flashback was a good reminder of the journey of parenting... I was dealing with breastfeeding, now it's sleep.

So The Husband's leg is not getting better. His MRI is scheduled for today... he can barely walk.... he hasn't surfed in weeks, can't work out... he's becoming a nightmare! ;) No kidding...but really it is killing him and he's so very worried what this means. Really, really poor timing given everything else we have going on.

I found out yesterday that in September when The Daughter is in 5 day a week preschool that I'll be able to drop her off at 8:30... which means that, at the very least, I'll be able to do Mysore on T/TH -- now just to find a way to get The Son to school at 8am, The Daughter to school at 8:30 and still fit in Mysore M/W/F.

If you've noticed that I've stopped using the names of my family here it is because you may have also noticed the little icon over on the side bar that links to BlogHeaven. If you recall awhile back I made mention that my blog had been listed in their "Best Spiritual Blogs" section and it had taken me by surprise... well, recently, BeliefNet started a new blog roll called BlogHeaven and they asked me to be a charter member... I decided with more traffic from unknown places, it would be better to remove names as much as possible... not that I don't completely believe that information is accessible at the drop of the hat but, heck, it made me feel a bit better.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:24 AM | Comments (7)

April 26, 2005

The Smell of Fear

No practice for me this morning as The Husband has a job interview and The Daughter has gymnastics. In some ways I feel good about sacrificing my practice for her gymnastics because I so want her to grow up without all the body awareness issues (and, okay, strength issues) that I've been faced with all my life. Yesterday I was thinking about how dramatic yoga has been for me in so many ways that you can't see from the mat and that I don't often write about. I was thinking about how the word 'athlete' has been applied to me a few times recently and how I bristle at that word, feel like it doesn't apply to me. I started swimming when I was 5 or 6. All my little friends were doing it (I grew up in the desert so this is no big surprise) and I really really wanted to. It took a lot of whining for my parents to agree. I remember the first time in that pool... I couldn't make it to the other side without touching the bottom... the water was warm with this wierd taste to it (which I now know was chlorine) but I was in love. From that point forward I was on a competitive team (namely The High Desert Dolphins). I practiced a lot. Teams went from the Red team to Blue to Gold with Red being for the newbies, Blue intermediate and Gold the cream of the crop. I remember moving through the ranks to the point of being on Gold. At that point practices were long... starting off with a warm up equivalent to most people's full workout. My best stroke was backstroke... I had the back for it (and my back now shows it), I loved having my head just sorta out of the water, the reach below, the power of the feet... I loved that you had to really analyze where you were at in the pool to know the right moment to begin your turn to the wall. I exceled in backstroke... somewhere I have a few gold medals from semi-finals and state finals, etc. For years I swam but I don't think I ever thought of myself as an athlete... it's for certain that I didn't have anyone at home telling me what a wonderful job I was doing or how exceptional it was the devotion that I had. Sure, my coaches did that but I think my father maybe showed at one meet, my mom at all of them. I remember we used to do wierd things to improve our practice... eat certain foods, wear certain things... At the last semi-finals I did before moving to San Diego, I remember arriving, you didn't find out what you were swimming until you arrived and looked at the lists... it was usually a well known based on your times over the year and we always knew our competition well, in fact, some of us were friends. At one point I was swimming with what are now Olympic champions. At this meet, looking at the lists I saw my name where I expected... first on the list for backstroke, swimming relay backstroke leg, IM... and then someone yelled over to me "HEY did you see...you are #2 on the list for butterfly!" WHAT? I had only swam fly in maybe one or two meets and that was just to fill in for our regular flyer who was absent for whatever reason. I was most certainly not a flyer and I definitely had absolutely no confidence in my ability to swim a 200 at a semi-final and how the hell did I manage to have a time at #2 on the list for the region? I can distinctly remember the time working up to that swim... the jello we ate (some wierd concoction that the swim mothers would create for us out of this and that -- it was some form of jello though), the stretches, my coach helping me with my arm pulls from behind by the side of the pool, my friends telling me "Wow, that's so cool!" and the whole time thinking "Who the hell made a mistake and how did I end up doing this swim!" I made that swim... in fact, I came in second, just where I should have considered #1 had a couple seconds on me per the list. That swim was exhilerating because at that moment I actually felt like an athlete. Everything else had been somewhat of a piece of cake for me, I was long, lean and powerful in the water but mentally I hadn't had the challenge that that one 200 fly held for me... completely unprepared to handle it.

I continued swimming for quite a long time... right up until I found boys around 9th grade. All my friends were doing all this cool stuff and I was practicing morning and night. I did nothing but swim. In fact, right before 9th grade I was offered an Olympic coach... he had seen me at some meet and wanted me to come practice with him in Palm Springs (40 minutes away from my small desert town). My parents weren't into that idea. I did get to practice with him a few times when he came to visit and my coaches all encouraged me but deflated, I chose the high school boys over swimming. I never really stopped hanging around the pool and I was always asked "When you coming back?" but I never did... until I moved to Oceanside. Moving in 11th grade is never easy... I knew no one. So I swam... I knew that. Unfortunately, for me, the idea of getting to know people via the pool backfired... for I was too skilled for the "girl team practice" and the coaches made me swim with the boys (R, if you are reading this...do not post your WAH comment... plus you know I kicked your ass in that pool too ;> hahahahaha). This was the end of my swimming career because it killed me socially. Girls don't like you when you are a) better than them at something and b) the only girl in a pool full of boys everyday. I gave up swimming after the first year of this, in fact, I gave up high school, graduating early and never having the "senior year" thrills. I also gave up thinking of myself as an athlete.

The idea has slowly been evolving for me that this practice I do, this practice is in so many respects the equivalent and furthering of those hours in the pool but I still can't consider myself and athelete and I find myself unable to consider the health aspects athletes must consider while doing this practice and yet I find myself doing certain things -- those certain health habits, the food, etc. It's almost like finding a lost identity... like I can feel the scaliness of the brush pad on the block, the stickiness of the mat the same, the tender adreneline on the backs of my feet as I waited for the gun to go off, as I feel the balance in Utthita Padgahustansana (can't spell or fix right now). It's truly a trip.

But fear is setting in... you see, with The Husband laid off, he must find another job and the one that seems the most promising long term will also mean in an office... and what does that do to my yoga schedule? How do I get two kids to school and still practice? The answer is I don't. I'm scared... and I know this feeling... I've felt it in the water... I've felt it in the scorned looks I received from those girls in the "other pool" while I swam with the boys... The difference is that back then I didn't have the strength to look the fear in the face and deal with it... today I feel like yoga has given me the strength to say I have to find a way to make it work... it looks bleak as hell right now... but if I visualize enough and think on it enough, something will come to me... something will right?

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:35 AM | Comments (2)

April 25, 2005

Guruji's Magic Touch

I had sorta a hard night... I'm really confused about my own thoughts. I probably shouldn't put this out there on the Internet but, whatever, it's who I am. We had some guests over for dinner last night because it was "felt" necessary to discuss my upcoming surgery and explain to these loved ones exactly what was going on. To make a long story short... I was discussing the issue and, as usual, The Husband bailed out. I was explaining to the closest person to him in his life that I was feeling really lonely and that he provided no emotional support for me. She basically told me that I needed to change my attitude. In fact, at one point her exact words were that I needed to change the words I was using because IT WASN'T ABOUT ME. Well, this really threw me back... I don't understand how this ISN'T about me. I mean, last I checked, I'm the one with breasts and I'm the one having surgery. She told me that he's afraid of losing his wife... yea, I'm afraid of losing my breasts. The impression I was left with is that, per the history of my marriage, I should just suck it up, deal with my own shit myself and coddle his tender emotions. Well, you know what, I can't. Yep. I'm too fucking wrapped up in my own shit and I can't. Am I heartless? Maybe. Am I un-evolved? Maybe... but I don't care right now... I have my own stuff to sort through.

In better news of the evening... another as usual for The Husband is tell me he's looked everywhere for something and, yet, I'll miracuously find it in some obvious place the minute I start looking. A couple months ago The Husband lost The Son's most prized Gameboy.... He swore he looked everywhere so I didn't bother... last night I found it, sitting right at eye level if you had just opened the cabinet with the blender in it. The Son played all evening...

I got up this morning for practice and I felt really good. I was happy to get back to my studio knowing my teacher would be back... I smiled when I drove up and saw all the regular cars... JMS back, Kiran, OKRGR even showed... I had a good decent practice... I felt pretty strong and flexible... I realized half way through that this vegetarian experiment has been a good one. The entire month I didn't eat meat I felt weak and tired... I started eating meat again last week and, if you haven't noticed, the reports of my practice have included feeling much better. Somehow I have to find a way to deal with this. The most dramatic thing about my practice this morning was Baddha K. Dramatic why? Because I simply went into it. No drama, no fear, no pain. Chin on the ground, all by myself, feet open to the floor, no pain... no uncomfortable feeling, no panic... Ah! I did a backdrop today... and was quickly told "Exit was incorrect!" because I can't get back up. When I said "I haven't figured that part out yet," he said "Use your legs!" If only it were that easy... or maybe it is that easy and I haven't figured it out yet. :)

Here's some pictures that Joey took of the group of us:
Cameron (jozenn), Neti & Mrs. Neti, Guruji, Me, Joey (jssii) & Gene (lostbobby)

Cameron, myself, Joey

Sheenon & Fiance, Mrs. Neti & Neti, Joey, Cameron, Augie and me laying across them (they left no space for me on the couch :<)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:45 AM | Comments (2)

April 23, 2005

The Morning After

Well, I wrote out my entire post and said "You should really save this..." but I didn't and my computer ate it so let's give this another shot.

After switching hotels on Friday, I spent the afternoon with a good friend of my husband. We went on his boat around the Bay, stopping at Tiburon and Saulsilito... got a nice view of Alcatraz. After we got back we checked out his personal boat, grabbed a beer and a burrito and actually talked for a couple hours. This was the first time, in all these years, I've ever had the opportunity to sit and chat with this friend alone and it was awesome. I got to learn things about him, about my husband... it was just cool. I tried to take a nap before meeting my ex-colleague for a drink but couldn't fall asleep so I changed and headed out. I thought I'd only have a time for a beer but, to my surprise and maybe chagrin, I had three before Cameron showed up. Also to my surprise Joey and the Mountain View crew showed up as well. It was great to see my ex-colleague... one of the few that I really liked a lot and he's an amazing person with so many cool things up his sleeve. Living life the right way. With Cameron playing cruise director, we left there and went to dinner at Millenium. The funniest thing happened -- as we were waiting for our table Cameron says to me "You'll never guess who is here." Thinking it must be something yoga related I had my yoga brain on and I'm watching the person walk through the door, knowing I know them but not knowing who they are. You know that thing that happens when you see someone completely out of context of how you know them... turns out it was a friend of mine from my "younger child" days playgroup who is also an ashtangi with a beautiful second series practice (she had met Cameron at the ashtangi party at my house when he was down). I knew she wasn't practicing with Guruji on tour due to a new pregnancy she was feeling her way through so I was completely surprised. Turns out she was up for a romantic weekend with her man... what a small freaking world. Dinner was, well, disappointing. It was the worst meal I've ever had at Millenium... very disappointing. I hadn't been there for years so it was harsh to have such a bad culinary experience at a place I held in such high esteem but, often, when this happens, it is just a door I'm moving through to get out of whatever food rut I'm in ;)

After Millenium we cruised to a local bar to meet up with Mr. & Mrs. Neti. I was also pleasantly surprised that my husband's friend and my ex-colleague showed up as well as Sheenon and the Portland crew. It was totally great to spend more time with my husband's friend and I was feeling torn when it was time to go... but I do have to say that Cameron and Neti know me well. The bar they wanted to take me to is dead-on ME. Total biker bar, tats, black and nice hairdos. Totally my speed and, better than The Alibi used to be, for they had good beer. In fact, they had my favorite beer (Duvell which also happens to have 8.5% alcohol). We hung out for the night, took nutty ass pictures -- somewhere someone has one of the guys all with leg behind the head...remember we are in a biker bar so this was quite a scene, but a clapping ovation at the end. It was one of those nights for me, my best friend, D, reading this will know exactly what I mean... I just couldn't catch a buzz. I had 12 beers by last call... and nothing, notta. It happens to me sometimes, I can't make heads or tails out of it. I'm sure it is mental. We didn't crash at the hotel until well after 3.... and at some unGodlike hour Cameron's cellphone went off (for what reason I still don't know nor why it was buried all the way underneath the nightstand). All that alcohol and little sleep made for a crappy freaking morning... this is why I don't do these things in my old age ;) and it's certainly never to fun fly that way.

I reflected a bit more on my trip up here. I read through Joey, Neti and Cameron's blogs. It's a trip to read the experiences of people who were a couple mats away from you. Some things are very common... like the fact that both Cameron and I noticed how Saraswati's feet magically appeared behind Joey's mat from wherever she had been for Mari B or the vibe in the room or whatever. Some things are different. For me, I feel a sense of recognition from Guruji and family. It has infused me to feel that. I think maybe this trip for me was to solidify the energy from Encinitas... that it wasn't a passing feeling or sense of the practice.

Here's a group shot... Guruji said "Oh group practice!" as we took this picture... He was so lively and full of life. Beautiful.
Cameron & Neti with Mrs. Neti behind them, Guruji, myself, Joey & LostBobby

In good news, I received word from my plastic surgeon that he is not going to balance bill me. This is huge. To put it into a tangible explanation... I recently had an office visit with the first surgeon I saw. She billed $200. The insurance company's "customary fee" was only $100. For an out of network doctor, I am responsible for 30% of that customary fee plus the "balance bill" of what the insurance doesn't cover. If it is $200 for an office visit, imagine what plastic surgery after mastectomy costs! We will still be liable for 30% of that customary fee for the procedure but this amazing doctor has agreed to accept that fee. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to know that there are people, doctors, that exist in this world who are so giving and wonderful. He doesn't have to do this and yet he is. Together with his assistant, Bonnie, out of all of the people I've spoken to regarding this surgery, they have gone above and beyond, exceled in their dealings with me. It moves me to tears to know that people of their caliber exist in this world and that the universe has granted me the fortune of finding them. We're still a long way, physically, mentally and financially, from any sort of good feeling but we seem to be on the right path and that's all one can ask for.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:10 PM | Comments (1)

April 22, 2005

Last Day With Guruji

So today, unless some wierd turn of events happens, was my last day of practice with Guruji. I got into San Fran yesterday afternoon, left my bags at the surprisingly nice for the price, Hotel Carlton, 2 blocks from The Regency and took a short walk where I ran into Neti which was so very cool... as I was walking down the street I realized the area looked familiar, then I saw the restaurant that he, myself, Cameron and Gene (lostbobby) went to before and as I walked in front of the Academy of Art there was Neti, just sitting there... actually he noticed me first as I peered in the window and waved. We stood outside on the street making a spectacle of ourselves as we discussed "NO no, when you engage your bandhas, this movement happens in your pelvis." or "Oh, yea, Bhekasana, I can put my feet this far..see." It's no wonder we didn't just start dropping back or something ;)

Later Cameron met me at the hotel and we cruised over to Herbivore where we met up with Gene and the Mysore-Famous Joey for a nice dinner (okay, and a single glass of wine) and plenty of conversation about Mysore and the practice. Cameron and I then proceeded to go back to our tiny but very nice hotel room and do all kinds of little stretches and challenging each other what we could physically do better amongst banter about age and chicks.

This morning we got up at 5am... dressed and headed over to The Regency. We got there pretty earlier so we got a spot 2nd row, dead center. Given how Guruji was sticking to the first two rows in Encinitas, I figured this was a great spot for working with Guruji through the practice. Minutes later, Joey took the spot next to Cameron, then Gene, then Neti and Mrs. Neti. The room was great... the floor was a bit slippery (Gene what ARE you talking about? My mat was slipping all over the floor this morning and I have NO IDEA how you practiced without a mat at all) which was making my mat move around but the room was nice and warm, not hot, but warm...so much warmer than Encinitas. I had a nice steady and strong practice... I felt really great. The energy of being next to Cameron and amongst so many people was awesome... and then there is Guruji. First, Guruji was way more energetic and mobile than the entire time in Encinitas. He was all over the room, not just sticking to the front, and he seemed to have a lot more energy. I never saw Sharath today though he apparently adjusted Cameron.... but Guruji, again, paid me attention. Lots of adjustments... Cameron's philosophy is that my tattoo says something along the lines of "Come here" rather than a verse from the Gita :) I don't remember when he first started adjusting me but in Garbha Pindasana he again scolded :) (in the good fatherly way) me for not keeping my hands on my head... but when he tried to help me, he got me squarely on my spine then let go so of course, I toppled over... he grunted and I couldn't do anything but just laugh... so he helped me again and rolled me around... and then I came up into Kukutasana... only he was standing literally right in front of me... it was a little, uh, disconcerting as to where I was supposed to go with my head but I just did it anyway. The first thing I said to Cameron this morning was that I was dreading doing Baddha K today... Guruji had walked away and so I thought I was going to be going at it alone... I got pretty far down on my own actually without pain -- I was having a good practice.. when Guruji came over. Instead of coming at me from behind, he simply stood in front of me, put his feet on my thighs and pushed my head down..it was simple and effortless and it felt GOOOD. It was AWESOME for that pose to feel GOOD again. After my 5 breaths he told me to come up...but he's so little... and he was literally standing over me so I couldn't figure out how to get my head out from under him..so I sorta rounded my back, moved backward and brought my head out from his legs... then he told me to put my head back down to my feet... so I had to do the whole movement of getting under his legs again. It was great... My hips feel awesome today. I am just so content with my practice today... it was one of those practices where things came together for me... I also noticed that Guruji wasn't holding chatarungas anywhere near the length of time he did in Encinitas which made strenght a bit less of an issue for me. I was geling for the rest of the practice..having a good time and feeding on the energy given to me.

After practice we took a group shot which I'll post when I get home and can upload pics from the camera (which reminds me that I need to figure out where I put the camera). I'm not sure whether Guruji recognized me from Encinitas but Saraswati and Sharath did and I had the opportunity to speak to Sharmilla who told me she didn't make Encinitas because they had difficulty getting a visa for her daughter. Sharath asked me if I was staying for the whole week next week -- I wish I could... that would be great. I'm honored to be a part of this practice with them. Saraswati also commented to me about how much warmer it was up here in the practice room over Encinitas... I laughed -- she was right!

After practice Cameron and I had breakfast and we're chatting about this and that when the guy next to us asked if we had practiced this morning -- he was staying in the same hotel and is here from Kauai. The yoga world is so small, it's so wonderful.

I'm now in the hotel lobby... Cameron has gone to work and I think I'm going to try and make the 12:00 boat to Tiburon with one of The Husband's really good friends (he's the Captain of the boat) then hang out and wait for the PARTAY this evening.

I really need to go to India... the brain's wheels are turning... just how could I do this with two kids... the job is no problem, they'd let me work from anywhere... turning, turning, turning....

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:11 AM | Comments (1)

April 21, 2005

With Rest

The more I reflect on this whole mommy-daughter psychic phenomenon it trips me out. Last night I woke up from a brilliant dream and laid there for quite awhile thinking I'd hear The Daughter... for what seemed a couple minutes she didn't come in so I thought to myself "There goes that psychic theory..." No sooner was the thought in my head that I hear her paddling out her door. Fortunately, I actually did go back to sleep after she came in but I have to tell you I am looking forward to a night in a bed all by myself! I might even be looking forward to that more than practicing with Guruji tomorrow ;)

With further reflection on my practice and day yesterday I feel better. I'm sure part of this process is exactly that -- the process that I need to go through in my life right now and the mat is doing what it does best, showing me the way. The one brilliant aspect of my marriage is that I truly can say whatever the hell I want and so I was able to share what I was feeling yesterday. It doesn't mean that I have any expectations that suddenly my husband will become some remarkably sensitive, intuitive individual but at least I've communicated how I feel. I've always maintained that I think the practice of monogamy is an artifact of the takeover of Christianity... in most older earth-based religions, the concept doesn't exist and if it does exist it isn't quite the strict set of rules that we have today. I truly don't believe that one person can be everything to another person all the time, in ever instance and that we've lost the ability to communicate with other people outside of our core family life with any substantial merit to the communication. Too much intimacy leaves us with boundaries broken (physically, emotionally or spiritually, take your pick) and not sharing any type of intimacy leaves the interaction on a purely "day to day" basis. I've often found myself able to "get" emotional support from other people in my life... at various times, various people but for some reason I always feel "wrong" about sharing anything deeply emotional with someone other than my marriage partner. My marriage partner has never had an issue with that so we talked about this some more last night -- that clearly it is some restrictive covenant I've laid down for myself. I'm not talking about sex and adultry here but pure interest in the human soul. It may be simply that I have that tendency to get along better with males. I relate better to them and not very well with women... so maybe it is truly just a distinction of sex, I don't know. Regardless, clearly something I need to look at. I do believe that we are in this world alone simply to share of ourselves with others... I guess maybe it boils down to the real problem for me being I have a problem with appropriate boundaries -- ones I make up in my own mind or societal ones I'm still trying to figure out.

No practice for me today -- I'm leaving on a jet plane here in a couple hours for San Francisco where I'll hook up with Joey, Neti and, of course, Cameron, otherwise known as party-master extraordinare. Truth be told, I'm a little scared... all these young people, a bar, some drinks... I might be down and out done before they even get started ;) (just a little kidding there).

In more depressing news, I found out yesterday that what we thought was the miraculous maximum out of pocket expenses our insurance told us about for my surgery was a myth. It exists but it only applies to their customary fee for the procedure and not the balance billing that I'll be required to pay which is probably about 50% of the costs. I'm freaking out. I keep assuring myself that it will all work out financially.... I just keep telling myself that.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:08 AM | Comments (2)

April 20, 2005

Sobbing Garbha

It's sorta how funny how things happen through yoga... one minute you've got ThoughtX and the next minute you realize your illusion and you're stuck trying to figure it all out again. Last night I had sorta planned that I wouldn't practice this morning but I set the alarm anyway and promised that if I felt like getting up and going I would. I'm not sure if I didn't want to practice on a physical level or emotional. I had a pretty crappy emotional evening last night so it might very well have been part of it. When The Daughter came in my bed sometime in the night, she didn't do such a good job of not kicking... in fact, at one point I was nearly off the edge of the bed... I moved her over some, turned the alarm off and went to sleep. Some energy in the universe must have known what I needed to do today because The Husband woke up at 6:15, began adjusting covers, using the restroom...generally neither of us make noise that early out of respect but, maybe due to the emotional stuff last night, he just didn't seem to care.... so I figured I was up, I might as well just get up... I scrambled into the closet to get dressed, did a forward stretch and thought "Eh, screw it." and got back in bed. A few minutes later I realized I really was awake and I felt guilty not getting on the mat so up I got, dressed I got and to practice I went. With Tim out of town, the usual pranayama people aren't there in the morning so when I got there, the room was freezing. I told myself that if I was really tired and I continued to feel like I wanted to roll up my mat and leave, I would just do half primary. After the first couple sun salutations, I did seriously consider leaving but I knew I could make to to Navasana at the least so I kept going... and I kept focusing on breathing. I was having a good steady practice... standing, first part of seated... I knew I wouldn't stop my practice after Navasana.. I didn't feel physically great but I knew I would push myself through... when I got to Garbha Pindasana I started weeping slightly... I could feel this huge rush of tears starting to come... it somewhat shocked me... Garbha Pindasana isn't generally a pose I look at as deeply emotional for me... I went through it and got to Baddha Konasana... which, for a pose that used to be nothing to me, is now horrendously difficult and excruciatingly painful... and it is all emotional. I thought it was my hip issue but now I'm starting to think my hip issue is emotional too. You see what I realized is that I'm really super into all the poses where we curl ourselves into a little ball -- Mari B and D, Garbha Pindasana, Pindasana -- where we wrap ourselves up... I didn't realize until later just how long I stayed in Mari B today... it hit me with this revelation.... I'm really super not into anything that requires me to be open... it's too vulnerable... and I'm just not ready. When A, who was assisting today, came over to help me in Baddha Konasana tears started leaking (but she couldn't see them). I just didn't want to do it... I didn't want to "go there" today.. I was too raw and too upset internally. Down I went... there's this point in Baddha K... it's about oh, near to the ground for me I guess and it's like a hinge, above it I'm fine, below it I'm okay but at it I'm just a shaking wreck. I was trying to just breathe...but its hard to breathe when you feel like you are going to burst into tears. I was trying to relax but that point is just oh so painful... finally I got my head on the ground and I breathed a bit more deeply... then my chin... and then I couldn't take it anymore... I had to get out of there... so I sighed a bit to tell her to pull her weight off of me and came back up.. I wanted to curl into a little ball and just rock back and forth... instead I just did B and then brought my knees to my chest and rocked back and forth for a couple minutes. For the rest of first series, I had a hard time here and there... coming up in Urdhva Konasana was difficult because the tears were there... I kept saying "breathe... in and out..." I did my two second series poses and then started backbends... I knew it wasn't going to be a backbend day from the getgo -- too emotional... too deep within. I did my sets and then stood up... I did one dropback and thought "Nope..don't even push it... you've made it much further than you said you would.. don't get hurt emotionally or physically." So I just did a quick closing and laid on my mat. It's funny because you practice in this room of people and you really have no idea what's going on with them in the course of their practice. I'm sure no one had any idea that I was crying under the towel over my eyes... or that I just wanted to run to the room... or that when I heard T outside with the kids that I waited until I was sure I wouldn't have to talk to anyone to walk out. I realized that I really can't be emotional in front of people with any grace... and I realized that the reason is because I am so damned alone with myself and I always have been. I wasn't brought up with any emotional support... in fact, I was brought up in an emotionally scaring environment. Even though I believe I'm really open to being emotional with another person I seem to not have anyone in my life who is ready to be emotional with me. I just mean in a sort of emotionally supportive, soul relating type of way. It also doesn't seem to matter how much I ask for it, express the need, it doesn't happen. It scares me that I might go through life without ever feeling like someone else could be my rock just one time when I need it.

-----
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
---
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
---
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
------------------- Green Day, Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:07 AM | Comments (3)

April 19, 2005

OMG

I can't tell you how many times I type that little piece of pingslang. Or, I guess, really netiquette, or net acronyms or whatever... I just call it pingsling because it is a phrase that I would only ever use on IM (and when we talk to someone on IM we are "pinging" them as in "Let me ping Charles and see if he knows." I use IM almost entirely for work -- this is how my company communicates, it is how they know I'm "in the office," it is how we hold meetings, demos, shoot the shit around the water color... In addition to the people at work, I have 5 people from Microsoft on there, two people who I work with on another professional level, two people I used to be friends with but rarely speak to anymore, even on IM, a couple actual people I dig that I have met a few times in life but know mostly via the computer and one yogi. IM is amazing, I love IM... but it's true, I've fallen into the pingsling trap and there are phrases that I use on this box that I wouldn't otherwise say in life. So it was truly surprising to me when my son developed this habit of saying "Oh MY Gawd!" In that "Oh My God" type of way you know. The first few times I heard it, it was sorta cute... but then it started to really bother me. I want to tell him to stop saying it, that it's not polite... but what does that mean? He isn't saying it with any attachment to the word "God" and his definition of that word is probably much different than the majority of his peers anyway (The Son firmly believes that God is in everything all around us)... in his defintion I don't think of God as something that could be said in this way and be un-PC or insulting to someone. If this had happened to me 10 years ago, I probably would have encouraged him to do it just to piss off the royal right... but yoga has really changed something for me. It's sorta like when the Pope died (when he died, not the master fanfare that followed), I actually felt something for the people who believed how important he was to their faith... I've never felt that before -- respect. It isn't what I believe and the man was no more important to me than any other individual in this world but I felt a form of respect for the people in this world who do have some special energy from him and were grieving.... and, for some reason I have yet to really feel my way through, my son saying "Oh My God!" in exclamation frequently is really driving me crazy. The other day I explained to him how I felt about it in a shortened version of "Some people might find that offensive and its important to respect other people's beliefs." Today it was irritating me so badly I actually said "I don't like when you say that!" Here I sit a few hours later trying to determine why I'm trying to convince him not to say those words...when I realize that although I NEVER say them outloud, I say that same phrase all the time on IM. OMG! OMG OMG! just the other day about 50 times. Whispering it in my head or writing it in 1s and 0s (computer language for all you non-geeks) is no different than saying it aloud. What a hypocrite I am! What a mirror my son is!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:20 PM

Bribery Doesn't Work

All day yesterday I was just tired... this lack of sleep at night is catching up with me again. Last night at bedtime I talked to The Daughter about the issue. I told her I really needed some sleep. She told me she really needed to come into my bed. So I bribed her... "Honey, if you sleep in your big girl bed ALL night for 7 nights, you can go to the toy store and get anything you want." Her response, "No thanks Mommy." "Okay, how about we'll go get ice cream at the ice cream store." Thought process... "No thanks Mommy." As I was in reading with The Son I heard The Husband giving his best shot... he explained to her that it was okay to sleep in her room all night long and that if she woke up and was scared, she could just turn on the night light, closet light or even the big light. It always amazes me how tuned into The Daughter I am on a psychic level. I don't think I have this same connection with The Son and I like to think of it as an evolution of her soul work... we seem to really be meshing in that respect and it scares me how in touch I can be with her on a level above this one we live in daily. It was with no great surprise then that I woke up at some point in the night and thought "Why am I awake?" only to hear the pidder padder of little feet, the flick of a light switch a couple minutes later before I fell back asleep. It was also no great surprise that I woke up shortly thereafter and though "Okay, what is it this time?" and a short while after waking hearing another light switch before going back to sleep. It was with great irritation then that I woke at 3:06am and thought "This might be worse than the all night kicking!" put my head back on the pillow and then hear the distinct sobs of my smallest child. Dragging myself out of bed to her fully lit with all lights room... she's got her favorite Care Bears hugged to her chest and she sobs "Mommy I just can't sleep in here by myself!" I open my arms and she comes running into them... we both fall asleep in my bed. When we wake up she looks at me and says "Mommy... didn't I do a great job of not kicking you all night?" Which, remarkably, she did so I say "Yes, you did..great job honey!" and she says "Do I get to go to the ice cream store for that?"

At practice this morning I wound up in the far corner of the room. I had never practiced there before and I will never endeavor to get such spot again. For as anal retentive mat aligner as I am, this was the worst spot on the planet... you see it took me about half the practice to realize the reason my mat looked crooked the whole time is that the wall isn't a straight line to the lines on the carpet... it's like the wall is at an angle. I had a just okay practice again..better than yesterday but nothing compared to my wonderful practice last Friday. When I woke up this morning my right quad was aching like I had tremendously overworked it... I'm not sure doing what... maybe those dropbacks? I hadn't felt it yesterday so I was surprised at the depth of soreness in it. My hamstrings were also a bit tight (surely a result of the tight quad) but I had a regular practice for me... I did two dropbacks on my own... I really like the feeling of letting go... but I still don't like assisted dropbacks at all... they leave my back feeling really constricted.. I think this must be the issue of non-committed quads as Tim likes to tell me. I must be using my back way too much. Today when I went to practice I really wanted to focus on my breathing... I found that I did a lot more today... and, as a result, I took nearly 15 minutes longer in practice than I normally do. I'm sure the dropbacks are adding a bit too but I definitely noticed the length of the breath different today.

Busy, busy day otherwise... probably picking up another consulting gig to keep me busy until my surgery date. Speaking of... I saw some pictures the other day of the procedure at 12 weeks post op. They look remarkable well aside from the scar which is a lot bigger and more prominent than I expected it to be. They say the scar lightens to nearly invisible within the year following... it's not enough to scare me away but it took me aback for a minute. I've been debating sending the plastic surgeon pictures of first series and asking what poses I will not be able to attempt long term after the surgery... Less than 3 months... after waiting 10 years it seems surreal... and I own up to having some wierd thoughts about it. I still wish I could wear a tshirt that says "I have fake boobs for a reason." Probably part of the lesson in this is to relinquish the fear that causes me to care what people think. Whenever I practice now and I push my breasts out of the way or feel them smashed I think "How will I do this then?"

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:26 PM | Comments (1)

April 18, 2005

Morning Practice

No practice over the weekend for me... It was an Indian Guides weekend for the boys which means The Daughter & I got to hang out and do girl stuff... this weekend that entailed shopping with Grandma, taking Grandpa to a birthday lunch and then watching a princess movie before falling asleep. When The Husband got home on Sunday he produced a knee swollen to double its size... he had fallen somehow and bent his knee out of whack... so Sunday ended up a day with the kids and a trip to urgent care for The Husband.

Last night for dinner I was going to make some meat... I had been feeling weakish all weekend so I thought I'd experiment. Even though I didn't feel so good eating the meat last week, it was the next day that I had such an incredible practice physically. I wonder if they correlate at all. So I went out and bought some meat but when it came time to make dinner I just didn't have the energy to make it... so I ate pasta instead (which, I'm beginning to believe is even worse for me -- there's a reason I never ate pasta while eating meat). I set the alarm for practice this morning... was up most of the morning. Something has to give with The Daughter in our bed in the mornings... she is such a crazy sleeper that she kicks me all night long but I'm still just too tired to get up and put her back in her bed... I getting an inkling of some HUGE bribe to convince her to stay in her bed... what it is though hasn't come to met yet. Ah, bribing..something I said I'd never do... chalk another one off my list. I did manage to get up and make it to practice... feeling weak and tight. I had an okay practice...actually, a nearly crappy practice physically. Weak and inflexible. I was a little bit distracted this morning too for some reason... I have a lot on my plate this morning so that may be why. I did manage to get off two dropbacks on my own again today and it didn't even seem so hard. I convinced OKRGR to do yet another dropback/standup for me so I could see how it gets done but I couldn't really tell because his standup seemed fairly effortless (I know he's laughing reading that)... The two dropbacks today actually felt really good but I don't feel any closer to getting the standup.

Am hoping to maintain sanity this week -- big project to wrap up, San Francisco on Thursday/Friday and a big presentation which I believe I will be putting off until next week...too much pressure isn't good for a yoga practice ;)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:24 AM

April 15, 2005

Dropped

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So this morning when the alarm went off at 5am, I turned it off... and I apparently went back to sleep. I think I woke up at 6:30 and thought "Oh well, screw it." I just haven't been having a great week physically... my moon, I feel weak, I don't know just off. So I considered the noon class but then remembered that The Nanny was having a birthday today and the kids wanted to have a "party" (which in kidspeak means a birthday cake)... so instead I had a slice of mint chocolate chip ice cream cake with The Nanny and worked all day.... I then considered the 6pm first series class at our club... but I've really been thrown off by practicing at night... I don't enjoy it much anymore and I feel all wierd having eaten all day and everything.. at 5:21 I wasn't going... at 5:35 I was so tired from work I decided it couldn't be worse than working some more so I went....

and I'm so glad that I did... I just had one of those practices where physically everything was in place... where Sun Salutations barely phased me, I was stretchy and really strong... In supta kurmasana if someone had been there to help, I'm fairly certain I could have crossed my ankles behind my head but since I was in a class at the club I didn't want to come out and try to get them there before going in... I did manage to lift up with my ankles crossed and then go into titibhasana -- first time I've ever done that. It was just one of those practices where EVERYTHING was clicking -- my jump throughs were silent and I felt a drastic difference in my bandhas jumping through -- like an AHAHA I have to feel it *here* to keep my feet lifted. In fact, tonight I actually held bakasana for the full 5 breaths..first time EVER (okay wrong order there but whatever).... It was one of those practices that were so physically downright amazing that I had to keep telling myself "Breathe! It doesn't matter... you're just practicing... just breathe... back to your breath.... don't think about it." I was almost distracted by what an awesome practice it was. In CPalmer's philosophy of rating, this was definitely a 10 practice for me.

So, clearly you can see where this is going... because as we neared backbends I thought "Shit, I'm having this amazing practice..." So towards the end of the second set I stood up and put my hands on the backs of my legs... the teacher, M, was standing there she said "Oh you got it." and started to walk away... I grunted no so she came back and stood by me and down I went... so I stood back up... and tried it again.. and she said again 'You got it' and walked away and this time I DROPPED BACK ALL BY MYSELF!!!! I was so amazed and elated that I said "OMG I did it all by myself!" which of course made the room laugh. Just to prove it to myself, I stood up and did it again... and then I rushed home after practice and did it again, and again... and then I had to show The Husband.. and I did it again! (My teacher just rang me at home so I got to exclaim to her how excited I was to accomplish the dropback!!!)

Now onto coming up!

PS... The Husband took a picture of me -- on the video camera because our digital was dead... so then I thought "Well I could upload the video like I did with shoulderstand a long time ago..." So I hook up the camera and use the default software which forces me to pick a song... so, of course, I pick The Smiths "Please Please Let Me" -- turns out the software makes a MUSIC VIDEO out of the footage you upload... I now have this very cool, hilarious music video of me dropping back to that song... if it wasn't so big I'd upload it. It's GREAT.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:26 PM | Comments (5)

April 14, 2005

We're All Just Animals

The first thing I have to say is that if you ever practice in Encinitas regularly, you must try Andrew-By-Way-Of-Australia's gracious cooking service. This means that every Tuesday and Thursday one comes home with a tiffin filled with a surprise but traditional South Indian meal. Tonight Andrew outdid himself. I cherish my Tuesday/Thursday meals now... mostly 'cause they are the only nights of the week when I'm not trying to fit in my two children, my husband, my job and still make something worthwhile of eating... but the food rocks. I'm loving it.

Today I spent the entire day at the Wild Animal Park with the kids. Technically this was a school field trip for The Daughter but I pulled The Son out of school so that he could come along. Our first stop was feeding the giraffes.

I haven't been to WAP in so long, I didn't know this was something you could do now. Essentially you pay $2 for two biscuits and the giraffes will walk right over to you and take it out of your hand. The Daughter had been looking forward to this all week but when the massive giraffe actually approached her, she dropped the biscuit and said "NO WAY!" The Son, on the other hand, who is usually the shy one, was all over those giraffe... he loved feeding them. Their tongues are amazing.

After feeding the giraffes we went and visited the gorillas. Gorillas are amazing creatures because they make one really see into the eyes of our animalistic nature. I loved that one gorilla waved his hand at all of us basically telling us to go away.

After that, we went and fed the larikeets -- for another $2 you get a cup full of nectar... when you hold it the larikeets will land on your arm and eat out of the cup... At one point, I had 4 birds on my arm, one on my shoulder and one on my head...

The kids had a difficult time with the little cups because the birds were more aggressive than we originally thought... I clearly had my hands full and the birds swooped in and knocked their cups out... The Daughter got a bit scared but The Son was in rare form today... one landed on his back and stayed there for quite some time.

After all the other school friends went home, I took the kids on a train ride around the park. My favorite site was seeing the brand new baby elephant "sampling" from his mommy... and this baby rhino having some na-nas!

As a once-nursing mommy, nursing always reminds me of our nature... and the power that I have as a female.
Lastly we visited the butterflies...and boy did we see some amazing butterflies. One has to wonder how butterflies can be so beautiful... simply proof of some beautiful equation in the universe.

I finally got some sleep last night -- since The Son was skipping school we could let the kids crash together... I felt so much better this morning...clearly I've been somewhat sleep deprived. In addition, I had some meat today to see if I'd feel better.. I felt absolutely horrendous after eating it. I felt like I was going to puke. Though I slept last night, 7 hours at the WAP with two kids is never an energizing affair... I hope I make it through the 5am alarm clock for practice in the morning. The good news is that tickets are bought for next week in SF and although I will only get to practice one day with Guruji, I'll get to hang out with some super cool Ashtangis Friday night! :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:47 PM | Comments (3)

April 13, 2005

Was I Just Talking About Milestones?

Let me just say that the universe was working really fucking hard to wake me up today... I still have no idea what the general message is but I'm at least paying attention and looking for it now. The rest of my day didn't get a whole heck of a lot better... one of those crazy days when nothing seems to move your way.

Your younger child went to the dentist with The Nanny... for which you feel horribly guilty over because it's a health thing and a parent really should be involved but with practice this morning, work and school pick up and second appointment for the older child (they don't see small children in the afternoons nor school aged children in the mornings -- hence no dual appointments) and going to the Wild Animal Park tomorrow (i.e., no work), you find you can't figure a way to fit in a routine dentist appointment too and The Nanny is here anyway and you have to pay her if you go or not so with the mommy-guilt-pang inside, you send your youngest child to the dentist with The Nanny. When they return home, you have 20 minutes before you have to leave for the second appointment, you find out that your child has not one but SIX cavities. You have an emergency at work 15 minutes before you have to go... so you urgently deploy code as your 4 year old is lusting and basically screaming in your ear about every single little thing in the new Disney catalog ("MOM MOM MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM a STITCH bedspread. Mom I want this... Mom oh I *really* want a Stitch bedspread") and your 7 year old is saying "Mom please let me call Daddy to tell him The Daughter has a cavity... I want to tell first!" You see your older child has never had a cavity and you've always secretly decided that is one of those little secrets you can tell youself ("See that makes me a GOOD mom") and clearly your older child has picked up on this little lie you fooled yourself with. With no minutes to spare, you get everyone in the car, hit literally every single street light on the way to the freeway, then realize you have ABSOLUTELY no gas in your car, you've hit every light, you are now going to be 15 minutes late and the freaking freeway is already completely backed up even though it is only 2:45. So, you call the dentist office: "I'm so sorry but we've gotten stuck in traffic and we're going to be late.. oh just 5 minutes, maybe 10... yes, 5 minutes, we should make that," even though you know that 5 minutes is impossible, you won't move 2 miles in 5 minutes. You exit the freeway, you pump a fast 5 gallons in your car while you think "Is 5 gallons enough, how far does one go on 5 gallons, how many gallons do I usually get, well, $5, that gotta be enough right?" You take all the back roads that you know you know but you sorta think "Mhmmm... this is the right way right?" and your 7 year old sits in the back making noises seemingly video gameish with a spish and a spash everytime you turn this way or that, impatients humphs while waiting to turn, "Mom go go goGOGOOOOOOOO" at a stop sign. You make it there and you feel quite freaking proud... it's 3:10 (of course you don't actually get inside under 3:15 -- kids and all). They are clearly upset... whatever... aren't they always late? The dentist praises your elder child -- such beautiful teeth, no cavities... you see his chart and you note that they've put down "a few tears" -- your elder doesn't really like the dentist and basically sheds some tears when they put the toothpaste in his mouth, it's quite cute to you. While discussing your younger child you happen to glance at the chart for her... next to today's entry you see "WITH - THE NANNY" with a big black circle around it next to the entry in the margin...

Maybe the universe is trying to tell me to trust my instincts, I should have taken her to the appointment... but, really, that wouldn't have changed the outcome, in the Seinfeld sort of way, I'm really upset that they wrote "WITH - THE NANNY" in the margin, why did they do that, is that really horrible... which leads me to believe maybe the universe is trying to tell me to stop giving a shit. What the hell do I care what they think, they don't know anything about my life or the delicate balance I'm trying to achieve or how much energy I put into being a whole person for myself and for my kids... or, just maybe, the universe is trying to show me my own judgments... they probably don't give a shit either she was with The Nanny but just needed to note it for purely malpractice reasons, who knows (that's a completely different rant so I won't go there)... Or maybe it's just some of all those things.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:41 PM | Comments (3)

UGGGHHHH It's a Morrissey Day

You know, as much a goth head as I used to be, I just never liked The Smiths. ALL of my friends did... I remember when The Smiths played at SDSU and I just did not want to go and no one could figure out why... 'cause I hated them. To be honest, I hated them because they were so popular (why I didn't hate The Cure too I don't know)... and everyone was like oh so melancholy over Morrissey... but the feeling The Smiths conjure up for me is one of feeling sorry for oneself... and, rightly so, my pity party has extended into today (I have not, however, listened to any Morrissey but I did remember another song I like, "I like you" from his new CD -- okay in honor of this post, I'm going to play it on my iTunes right now).

So the pity party... it got worse last night as I lamented over how I was feeling. By about 2p.m. I had a near migraine headache and I felt like I would pass out... this is how I used to feel frequently before I added meat into my diet. So... that leaves me with trying meat again... or making the assumption that the meat comes into play more when I'm having my moon and losing *something* during this time... Whatever, by 7pm I had said goodnight to my children and self-medicated in the "garage." I then had chocolate and wrote to Cameron in our email conversation (boy, does he REALLY need to get MSN Messenger 'cause waiting 10 minutes for a one-liner response is just too lame) that I'd be feeling it by Bhujapindasana... in fact, I felt it much earlier, like Sun Salutation #1. When I really stop and think about it the truth is that I haven't slept well for a few days, a husband sleep-talking/walking, a daughter with her feet in my face, an Earthquake at 4am yesterday, last night it was my daughter who, for whatever reason, didn't want the covers on so she kept kicking me when I pulled them over me. I'm having my moon which generally makes me weaker... and I've been eating a lot more of the foods I never used to eat -- namely pasta (what's the fastest easiest veggie food -- pasta... and I don't have a lot of time to be in the kitchen these days). Anyway... as for practice today... it sucked in a big way... In fact, I didn't do a single jump through... I didn't even attempt dropbacks and I skipped headstand again (due to my moon) (God this Morrissey is driving me insane -- there I've switched to Reverend Horton Heat)... I did a quick finishing and came home to have a continuation of my own pity party.. it's okay though... sometimes a good pity party is just what one needs.

When I got home I was pleasantly surprised at an email from Bradlee who has been in Mysore for quite awhile... and Joey who said he bought an autograph book just for me to sign ;) if we can arrange our trips to San Francisco at the same time.

I forgot to mention that I got killer tickets to Dead Can Dance -- row 14 (which is really row 20), dead center. I'm totally psyched to go. In addition, I really really want to go see The Blasters which I wasn't going to be able to do if I went to SF that week so maybe if I can do SF next week I can still make The Blasters....

Currently on the speakers:

----
soon I discovered that this rock thing was true
jerry lee lewis was the devil
jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet
all of a sudden I found myself in love with the world
so there was only one thing I could do
was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long
----
-- Jesus Built My Hotrod, Ministry

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:03 AM | Comments (2)

April 12, 2005

Family Blather

All my blathering on about how my blog started off as a parenting journey, blah blah and I forgot to mention the latest of milestone... yet another step towards the next phase of our lives.... the one where we no longer have "little children" and we suddenly have two kids in school, two kids who are less dependent, want us less... the day when all the millions of hugs and kisses will be cherished as they diminish... Sunday The Daughter decided to take her training wheels off. She just turned 4. The Son took his training wheels off at 4 too (there's a blog post somewhere in here I'm sure) and we thought that was fairly young... but The Daughter, she's just so coordinated... she has that thing that I don't have... she's athletic. It's pretty cool actually. So, yep, she said "Daddy take off my training wheels..." She got on, she went. No hours of running down the street after her, up and down, helping her on and off, pushing her to get started like I'm sure someone must have helped me... nope... she just got on, she said show me how and basically, with one or two instructional displays, she went. She was so excited to come home from school today to get on that bike and it really made me stop and remember what that feeling of freedom must feel like. I'd like to say that I experience a tangent of that feeling on the mat and, probably, more often than not, I do... but it will never be that same 4 year old set of brain gears as she cruises down the street on her purple Disney Princess bike, the sparklers hanging off the handlebars, purple basket on the front where she keeps that days most prized possession (yesterday it was her new headband and stuffed Stitch doll, today it was a rock she painted at school.. the other day it was these wierd x shaped rubber things she found somewhere), little glittery noise princess flowery things that are in the spokes of her white tires, training wheels off, pink strawberry helmet on, matching surfer girl shorts and shirts yelling "WWEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO" as she goes back and forth for a half hour.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:25 PM | Comments (1)

blah blah blah blah

Today I'm feeling sorry for myself... it could be that over the past few days I've had a few revelations about my own issues with respect to my family life... scarier still that I had one of those relevations after catching part of a "nanny" reality show. Not always easy to face your own mirror and decide you really have to change something... or it could be that I started my moon yesterday which is always an uncomfortable and somewhat painful experience lately not to mention that after 30 something years of not having PMS, emotional rollercoasters, I most certainly have them now... I decided to practice anyway... I hadn't practice in a couple days and decided one more day absolutely would kill me. Practice and feeling sorry for yourself doesn't always mesh well. I promised myself given my moon I would take it easy which essentially meant not jumping through very often and skipping headstand. I had an okay practice... but felt incredibly sorry for myself as I watched everyone else (I swear everyone else) drop back and stand up on their own. The elusive dropback.... I don't think I'll ever accomplish it. It seems like one of those aerobic things -- you know where you have to have coordination (I have no coordination) in order to achieve just the right dynamic to make it work... I feel like I should be able to do it but it just isn't coming. I also realize it has taken a lot of people more than 3 years to accomplish it but, what the hell, this is my damned pity party today and I feel like having one. I would really like to figure it out before my surgery... I found out yesterday that there isn't supposed to be any "resistance or weight training" for 6 months---I'm assuming this will include chatarungas, handstands and dropbacks... and probably bhujapindasana and titibasana. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:08 AM | Comments (4)

April 11, 2005

Pavlov's Dog

It was one of those nights last night... where I saw every hour of the night and morning pass... last time I looked it was 4:19 a.m. You would think that it was my four year old who crawled into bed about 11pm last night that kept me awake all night but, actually, no it was my 44 year old husband who, sometimes, sleep-talks or walks. Last night it was something about keys... keys... where are my keys... of course, this prompts me to wake all the way up soon after falling asleep because, well, we've had a couple accidents with incidents of sleep-walking and I now try to head them off lest I lose the father of my children to a tumble down the stairs. Once awake, I can't fall asleep and then the snoring begins... I hit, I push, I shove, I yell... no use... I was up all night... so when I saw 5:09 pop around on the clock I thought "Well, do I get up or do I actually attempt to sleep now that the keys have been subliminally found and the snoring has stopped." I tried to guilt myself, convince myself and in the end, I must have passed out from sheer exhaustion because the next time I woke up it was 7:34. I missed yoga. I was none too happy this morning with my dear husband and he has no idea what he did with those damned keys.

A couple days ago I had this thought process about yoga while talking to my husband about surfing. I think one of the things that does it for me about yoga is the fact that it is a tangible in body experience that relies on nothing external. Sure, I'm a yoga mat bag whore, I love my yoga clothes, I'm particular about my mat, I like heat and I get up to particpiate in group classes rather than just throwing my mat down here... but the reality is that yoga is about you and your body and your mind rather than whether the surf is up or down, the tide is in or out, whether you have the stairmonster up to level 10 or level 1, etc., etc. Those fleeting moments in the day of waiting for your 7 year old to be excused from first grade when you find yourself outside stretching or thinking "Hey that patch of grass looks soft, maybe I could finally drop back if I went over there," those are just fleeting moments that bring you back to the mindfulness of your mat... they are tangible, you carry them with you... they are the string that binds us to bring our yoga into our everyday life and live it.... It's sorta like being one of Pavlov's dogs... the bell rings (a hamstring stretches), you go "AH!"

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:42 AM | Comments (2)

April 8, 2005

Carbo Load

B L O A T E D ... that's how I feel. Last night for date night we stopped off at the Indian home store, Co-Habitat, in Hillcrest. Whenever I go to Hillcrest I feel nostaglic... it was the only place I lived "on my own" -- between parents and marriage. In a lot of ways I got married way too young so I'm sure I have a sort of romanticized and unrealistic memory of those times (or maybe not) but, regardless, I always miss the hip-urban lifestyle when I travel down that way. After Co-Habitat, we had a drink at WineSteals (who, sadly does not carry one of my favorite wines anymore and appears to have moved off of their original premises -- wines under $10 -- and onto the premises of most other wine bars) and then had dinner in North Park at Spread. Spread was good. Spread is not a place I'd rush back to again. As the only all organic, all vegetarian/vegan restaurant in San Diego, I was excited to go but... all organic could equally equate to $$$$ in the description as well... and while looking at the menu there was nothing much more than $12.95... once you actually got your plate, you had to wonder what happened to the other half. We spent $8.95 of a cup of AMAZING soup but it was only 3/4 a cup of it. $10 for 4 slices of pizza - where the entire pizza was about the size of a 45" (is that what they were called) record. In addition to the expense, everything is carbo-laden...bread, bread and more bread essentially. It was VERY GOOD though... just don't think I'd be rushing back tomorrow.

So when we got home and I discovered that my mom would be spending the night and here all morning I thought "OH I COULD MAKE YOGA IN THE MORNING!" until I then realized at 5:15 when the alarm went off that today was a moon day -- thank Goddess I realized it before I got up, dressed and all the way up to Encinitas. I entertained the idea of practice first series at the club but, as I sit here at 4pm, I also realize practicing at night is just too hard on my body anymore... all the food I've eaten, the stress of my day... the work I still have to do, my kids, my family....

I may now be in New York for two days of the World Tour... wouldn't that be fun!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:02 PM

April 7, 2005

Out of Shape

It always surprises me when I do some other form of physical activity that my muscles rebel. Today it was so lovely and The Husband had a "board" meeting (i.e., this is when his two bosses, himself and a couple other people in his division go surfing instead of a staff meeting or have their staff meeting in the water) that the kids and I decided to hike up at Torrey Pines.... It may be that at times I end up carrying all the water, food, camera and a 35 pound child up hills, over rocks, etc. or just the fact that the muscles are being used in different ways but man my thighs hurt now.

I'm giving up practice tonight to have date night with my husband -- something that doesn't come along all that often. I broached the subject of San Francisco today... he said "Do what you want." I'm not quite sure what that meant so I'll have to talk to him about it some more this evening. He is apparently taking me to some restaurant he heard about and is very excited to show it to me.

Last night in bed I was reading a chapter out of the "Joy of Yoga" which was about manas. The Husband looked over my shoulder and saw what I was reading... he asked me if I was worried at all that I do yoga everyday, I talk about yoga all the time, I read about yoga... did I think it was healthy. All I could say was "Why wouldn't it be?" He said maybe I need to branch out... I think he was/is slightly worried. It probably didn't help that I asked about SF today... now he probably thinks it really is a cult and I'm soon going to leave my family for India.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:15 PM | Comments (4)

April 6, 2005

Straight Legs

Oh I almost totally forgot to mention that last night (after dinner - don't ask why I'd choose this time to try it), I decided that I needed to learn to get up in a headstand with straight legs... first try, no problem. Second try, did it again... third try.. no go. So today at practice I thought I'd try it. I did it -- my legs were a bit bent at the knee but I didn't curl up into a ball to get up and the exertion of getting up straight legged had me a bit off center and wobbly but, still, I did it.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:31 PM | Comments (4)

Yawn... it's 5am

I've become one of those people... I truly didn't believe it would happen but it has... I only really recognized it this morning as I was talking to a friend on the phone "Oh no, I can't have wine, I have to practice the next day. No, I've given up meat. No, I go to bed early now... practice in the morning. Oh, you want to practice taking yoga pictures, sure now THAT I can handle for you! :>) Or that I've been obsessing over how I could go to San Francisco and have someone take care of my kids... or that I've been planning "trips" we could take around places I could go practice that I've wanted to try. Is this the infatuation stage? Does it ever get to the point where you aren't thinking yoga all day long or is this part of yoga? Are there any yogis out there who aren't finding themselves stretching just a touch this way and that while standing in line at the grocery store? Can sit on the ground without moving into some minor version of some pose just to feel that feeling?

Last night we had our neighbor over for dinner. In truth, I generally get all excited about "dinner gatherings" -- I love to set the table, figure out a menu, etc., etc. but last night we chose to just order extra Indian food from Andrew who makes traditional South Indian food every Tuesday/Thursday and brings it to the studio (now Best Western) in tiffins. Everyone was greatly surprised when I passed on the other part of dinner gatherings I usually partake in -- having wine and beer on the table, enjoying that social drinking thing... had one beer and then no more... have to practice the next day. What I did partake in yesterday was buying some Recharge and drinking two shots of salt water. I'm not sure if I feel any better today or not but what I do know is that the salt water was disgusting *gag*

This morning I set the alarm two hours early and woke up to eat my yogurt bowl. It did help but I didn't have as great a practice as yesterday (time difference or the single beer from last night?). Tim's been really adjusting me in Mari D and Pasasana...getting me twisted ALL the way around... which is normally great, I love the feeling; however, yesterday I spent the afternoon at the beach with the kids and, yes, stupid me, I put sunblock on them and I burnt myself. In Mari D I said to Tim 'Well, that feels like an Indian burn' -- in Pasasana when he came over he said "Want another Indian burn?" Could I have said no? :) I completely forgot Garbha Pindasana and Baddha K today... it was only after I did konasana and then noticed the person next to me getting ready for Garbha that I realized "DUH, I forgot those!" Subliminal -- probably? The roll in Garbha today was okay... I actually got 3/4 of the way around before the burn on my back was screaming in pain so I cheated the rest of the way. Baddha K brought with it, as JMS says, the 185 lb adjustment. The nice thing is that I grimace and gasp in pain to push past that point of excruciating fear... then I can get my head to the ground, the 185 lb weight can leave and I can maintain it there. Backbends were okay... I like doing this Mysore style as it seems to get me just a bit deeper than if I come all the way down between each one. I got the dropback adjustment today where Rich only has me by my mid-thigh area to come back up... I figured out that the difference is he gets you rocking a bit more before counting to 3 to come up... this seems to work better for me.

It's another beautiful day here in San Diego -- but no beach today... just work. I'm hoping my cleanse kit comes today -- I'm so ready to do it!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:05 AM | Comments (3)

April 5, 2005

Element of Surprise

So this morning I woke up at 7am and ate my tiny bowl of yogurt and fruit. The difference in my first sun salutation was remarkable...absolutely remarkable. The difference is in the strength of my muscles...it's like I can feel that they have something to feed off of. I was having a fairly decent if not intimdated practice. JMS was practicing right next to me.. he's so floaty and silent that I felt like all of my plods were louder than an atomic bomb :) As long limbed as we both are, we only hit each other twice throughout the whole practice ;-) I moved through the practice, skipping full jump throughs (mostly due to the atomic bomb factor -- egotistic I realize but, hey, at least I see it) here and there... I was really trying to focus on my breath more today since muscle strength wasn't as much a factor for me having given myself some energy. I got a nice adjustment in Mari D today... it even surprises me how far around Tim can get me twisted. I think I grunted or something and he asked me if I had pain. I responded No so he said "what's all the grunting about" -- really just more like sighs from the twist... it feels awesome. I did pasasana with my mat rolled up under my heels... I usually do it this way first, then heels off the floor trying to get them down. Tim came over and helped me get bound hand to wrist and twisted all the way around.... then, after I jumped through and prepared to lay down for backbending, he said "Krounchasana" -- which surprised me today being a Tuesday and all. I think the element of surprise is a factor for me --- since with both poses I was completely not expecting to be given them when they were given. Nonetheless... it's a happy day and I feel exhilerated. The sun is shining, the kids and I are going to lunch and Moonlight Beach (and I'm still scheming for a way to get to SF for Guruji).

Today I'm going to go buy some Recharge under Neti's suggestion... and I may try this eating a few tablespoons of yogurt before practice and seeing if it always makes a difference. I hate to be so crim but a total improvement for today.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:34 AM

April 4, 2005

Off The Hook

I've discovered why, in addition to the fact that one is supposed to have completed second series (something Guruji told us while here), I'll never be able to officially do pranayama. Actually just a jest... but this evening I spent some time breathing while I took a bath (us moms, we have to find creative ways of being alone long enough to try breathing... otherwise our little ones come around and see free time... which then requires a couple hours of board games, books and other fun kiddie stuff)... I was really enjoying the feeling of laying back a bit in the water, enough to cover the shoulders and feeling what it felt like to really, really *really* slow exhale... see just how far down in the bathtub I could go while still.. just breathing. Then inhaling equally slowly and seeing how far I can rise out of the water.. just breathing. After a bit of this was when monkey mind came into play... when I started thinking about just how uncomfortable it is to leave yourself down in that dark pit at the very bottom for any extended period of time. I mean, it's not like I don't know I can breathe anytime I want to, or like I don't know that I can hold my breath what-used-to-be 2 lengths of a pool (haven't tried that recently)... but panic still sets in... to such a degree that even the blessed inhale feels empty. It's such an edge for me... I'm sure everyone has their own degree of extension before the panic sets in or, does at some point, it just all come with ease?

In addition to breathing, I love baths because it's amazing to feel your body doing certain things without the degradation of gravity...

One of the things I love about ashtanga is the various body types... In an email Neti referenced anyone that sweats for 30 minutes requiring extra salt (think Gatorade)... at first I was like "I don't exercise!" I realized that I do exercise but I just don't look at it like exercise... I've finally after all these years of trying different things, rollerblading, the gym, swimming (which I love in a totally different capacity), biking... what have you, I've finally found what I was looking for, something that fulfills body, mind and soul and, yes, I guess I do exercise. Wierd. That got me thinking about body types and the fact that I love you can be a room with 200 people who practice ashtanga and you'll see the thin, tiny girl, the big buff dude, the mom with cellulite and a belly gut, the tall, lean guy... Some of the people you'd least physically expect to do things are amazing at them... and vice versa. It's surprising and at the same time perfect.

I've managed to fanagle my way into Mysore tomorrow :) (and still harboring secret desire to fanagle my way into visiting Cameron and Neti and Gene for a day of Guruji's visit. I'm not sure I can pull that off but I'm still reeling it around in the mind.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:01 PM

Padmasana Wrong

Yesterday I practiced the first series class as our club. I didn't want to attempt practice "up on the hill" as the Sunday classes are usually crowded and the temporary space is small. I was having a fairly decent practice until closing and then I just lost all steam, energy and devotion. I think it was the champagne from the night before... sorely out of the mode of having even one drink with dinner (*GASP* what am I becoming :>). After practice we took the kids to the pool, hung out for awhile, ran some errands .... and came home to find YogaVidya had sent over Hatha Yoga Pradipika and Gheranda Samhita to read and review.... now I have to get my mind in some semblance of functional order.

When the alarm clock went off this morning I just wanted to stay in bed... it felt so early... looked so dark... it wasn't until I had lain there for about 10 minutes that I remembered the time change.. painful! The room wasn't as crowded today... all the Guruji stragglers have gone home and it appears some of the regulars are staying off the hill. From my first downward dog I knew it was going to be painful practice -- my arms hurt, I couldn't find any good comfortable place in my body... an exercise in making it through the practice. It was all okay if not a pretty weak practice for me (meaning weak muscle-wise). I love having the adjust to Trivikumasana again... I've missed that... it feels so wonderful. Seated poses were okay... just okay... Mari C was really acting up today and my twists were painful. As I was entering Garbha Pindasana Tim walks by and says "Padmasana is wrong!" I said "It is?" Sure enough, I had my left leg first! I've never, ever done that before. No wonder putting my arms in the holes felt wierd. Tim said "Must be that mercury retrograde thing." No kidding. I tried rolling in Garbha Pindasana but the spot on my back I scraped up rolling in the gymnasium was sore and raw today, near bleeding again so I flailed A LOT then just gave up and turned myself forward with my hands. Tim gave over in Baddha K... I groaned as he setup to adjust me... he said "You don't seem to happy to see me!" but he did get my head to the ground and I was able to keep it there a few breaths after he left. That pose really bothers me because it used to be so easy and I miss the release that I used to get there. I did pasasana first with something under my heels, then without, then with an adjustment from Tim. He can get me bound to wrists and twisted all the way around -- I don't think I could go any further... but he has to support my butt. I wonder if I'll ever be able to do that on my own. I noticed a couple people today doing Pasasana who are way further up getting into that I go... I wonder if that helps. My backbends were HORRIBLE today... probably the hardest they've ever been. The spot on my back was inflamed so much that I declined the last drop back... I just knew I couldn't do it without help and coming up wasn't a possibility. Tim did this nice back massage in paschimottasana after... how did he know (he wasn't doing the dropbacks with me)? In fact, he got right on the spot and pressed hard... intuition.

First day of spring break for the kids... an exercise in finding fun activities.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:37 AM | Comments (1)

April 2, 2005

Day of Rest

Today was the first day of rest I've had in 6 days. I am in love with my six day a week early morning practice. I am scheming to see how I can do it every week. I've decided to forgive myself the "need" for Mysore on Tuesdays and see if I can at least make the first series class on Tuesdays. Probably not very possible most Tuesdays but maybe some of them. I was so happy to have a day off. I'm not a morning person and if you asked me 6 months ago what would have been the largest hindrance to a Mysore practice for me, I would have said that I'm incapable of functioning that early in the morning. I have completely surprised myself by my dedication to getting up early and getting to practice... even more surprising is that this morning I didn't sleep until 9... or 8... I slept until 7 and felt like I was really doing something big. I did some work this morning (I've neglected work all week, it's time to play catch up), took the kids to Toys R Us -- which could rival Disneyland for the Happiest Place on Earth if you're under 8 -- Old Navy -- it sucks that 7 year olds grow so fast... high waters are definitely not cool and even more uncool is the thought of buying jeans you know won't get worn past June, met The Husband for lunch at Kis. Ki's is our local "health food restaurant." We've been going there for years and it is our kid's favorite restaurant. I had a nice moment walking into Ki's today. The kids and The Husband went upstairs to grab a table while I ordered... as I walked upstairs to join them I was greeted with the smiling face and a wonderful hug from TaraIsAGoddess (though I had a fight for my baby fix rights ;> from the beautiful Rowan). Tara left, we were ate and just before leaving entered another ashtangi that I had met during the tour... it left me feeling like I just might be a part of this ashtanga community here... A wonderful feeling for someone like me who is really working on the social aspects of humanity.

Over lunch The Husband and I discussed India. His thoughts are very clear: He's fine if I go for a month. He does NOT want me to go alone. He wants me to room with someone I know. He does NOT want the kids to accompany me (they are unvaccinated and he does not want to start down that path at this time... which technically I agree with but if they came to India, they'd get all their shots). He wants me to do it as soon as I'm physically able to do so after my July surgery. It's amazing to feel such a level of support from my husband. In so many ways I feel unsupported. Our emotional interaction is stunted and I seldom feel the deep connection emotionally I would like to feel but I have to step back during times like these when I hear him being so completely supportive of me... feeling what Guruji said through me and encouraging me to make it mine.

My "dinner date" for tomorrow evening canceled on me so no practice with Olaf. I'm really sad. The Husband has promised me that I can drive out there one Sunday to practice soon.

Last night The Son and I discussed my upcoming surgery. It was really difficult for me to figure out how to approach the kids about it. As it turned out my neighbor really opened the door for me. She bought 200 Breast Cancer pink rubber bracelets from Susan G. Komen Foundation and brought them to me. Her kids are wearing them in support of me. She asked me if The Son knew so I decided it was probably about time to tell him. I began by discussing the bracelets and why his best friend was wearing it. It was an awesome discussion... at one point he asked why his friend also wears a yellow one and I explained about Lance Armstrong... he then got fearful he would get cancer. Such a hard discussion but I feel really happy that I have had it with him and that we seemed to have such a great rapport about it. He really was listening, thinking and asking questions and I learned that he believes that there is a heaven and a hell but still believes that God is in everything and everywhere. (as a side note, you can read about hte procedure I am going to get here -- warning very graphic... if you view the PDFs linked on the right hand side it fully explains the procedure with pictures and everything)

Tonight I made a killer risotto -- something I NEVER eat. We've decided if we got back to being vegetarian, I have to start eating some of the things I haven't been eating -- some pasta, rice... but as a side dish rather than a main course. Tonight, however, we cooked some fish. I'm wondering if just consuming some fish would help me with the thyroid issues so I thought I would check this out first... eat some fish... then detox..then go full vegetarian and see the difference. As we were cooking, the kids started fighting so I say to The Son, "You know how you believe that God is everywhere? If you believe that then you probably also believe that God is in everyone?" With a positive response I say "If you believe that God is in everyone then you should treat your sister with love and respect since she has God in her too." To which our response was "Well God is in the fish, why are you eating them?" I almost choked on the champagne I was drinking (yes, I opened a bottle of champagne that I'm not positive OKRGR and the lovely Kiran left for us... I thought they only left one but this was good so they must have left two?)... So I explained that we had been vegetarian for many years before he was born and after... that I had started eating meat again because we thought it might make me feel better after being sick but was feeling bad for eating it and had made the decision to stop eating meat again -- that we were experimenting with eating just fish. He said "Yea, someone at school asked me if I was vegetarian because I drink soy milk." It really opened up the door for a great conversation. I told him that he is free to choose what he wants to eat and I will always support him. I love spontaneous free interactions with my kids like this.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:40 PM | Comments (1)

April 1, 2005

Rush of Reality

Yesterday as I was standing outside waiting to pick up my oldest from school I was talking with some other moms. The subject moved to Indian food and someone mentioned curry. I said "Well, curry isn't really Indian food." They said "really?" There is a young Indian girl in my son's class (I believe I've blogged about some interactions between her and I before), her grandfather was standing beside me so I said "Curry isn't traditionally Indian food is it?" and he said "NO!" He and I ended up having a lengthy conversation during which he told me that under not circumstances should I eat meat, not even if the Ayruvedic doctor told me to (I had wanted to ask Guruji about this but decided it was too self-serving -- how does Guruji who does say we should study Ayruveda feel about Ayruvedic recommendations for certain body types to eat meat?). He also told me that the little girl is very "religious" and that I give off a definite spiritual energy, that I'm "very spiritual person." He asked me to come to puja with he and his family... he offered for his wife to give me cooking lessons :) He talked to me about a Sadhu that he likes and wants to give me a tape of. He told me the word "Guruji" is a wonderful word. He said how happy he is to see Westerners embracing his heritage, that Hinduism has so much to give to the world. He told me he has noticed my tattoos and inwardly smiled (this is nice to hear as I sometimes worry that I might offend Hindus being Western and having Sanskrit on my body). I saw the parents of this little girl at open house last night -- they are very nice to me but clearly Westernized and very busy (I believe the father is a doctor, the wife some professional career) -- he had told them he invited me to cooking and puja... It would be fascinating to go. When we were leaving school he told the little girl to give me a proper goodbye. I won't know how to spell the word but he instructed me to always part with "Jai Janade" -- honoring all the souls who are here and who have been here.

This morning brought reality back to front and center in my life... The last two weeks have been a whirlwind full of such energy and devotion .... ended today with a conference call at 9am. I got to our temporary space at the Best Western for practice about 7... got a bit lost trying to find the room... 3 rows of mats... directly behind me JMS, Sheenon from Oregon and Tarik from Japan as well as Andrew by way of Australia (i.e., all the boys who can do amazing things).... was a bit distracting through parts of the practice though I tried to maintain my dirshti... at one point Tarik was coming up from something backbendy in origin and I thought his knee was going to hit my head.. I flinched, Andrew laughed :) My practice was a bit off... I knew I had to leave early to make my conference call and I had to figure something to leave out... I have this same issue if I have to use the restroom... what do I want to skip when I really don't want to skip anything. In the end I decided to do a regular practice, move quickly through closing, skip sirsasana and have a short savasana. Tight mat space meant for no jump throughs (or very few anyway), finding places for limbs... but the room, ah, the heat... I love the heat... I'm so happy for there to be heat again! As I got nearer to backbends I was dreading dropbacks which I haven't done for two weeks... Rich ended up assisting me... on the last one coming up he told me "that was all you!" I didn't think I heard him right so I said "That was all me?" He said that yes, he hadn't helped... so I told him to tell "that guy" pointing at Tim ;) He just smiled. Maybe it was all me... I'm not sure I felt it but I do believe I've grown stronger, if only in spirit, over the past two weeks.

I am happy to have a day off tomorrow... I am feeling surprisingly beautiful though a bit worked over... you know what I think it is? I haven't eaten meat. Only some eggs. I wonder if I've worked out whatever was happening internally that got me so sick? I ordered ReCleanse from Canada which I'm going to do as soon as it comes .... then I think I will stop eating meat and carefully watch my thyroid levels to see if I'm dropping again without it. It will be an interesting experience.

Back to work... reality... Sunday practice with Olaf in Palm Desert I believe.

PS for non-EZBoarders: Pictures uploaded from a couple cameras (raw uploads, no editing) at HERE

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:32 PM | Comments (2)