facing inward

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March 31, 2005

Summer In India

I don't even know where to start this post... nor where it might end... I'm so moved and emotional and touched by the past week that my brain isn't functioning at full capability right now... I'm like a wrung out towel... still wet inside.

Last night's satsang was great. Guruji discussed the Gita. At various times I actually processed what he was telling us. In essence I believe he said practice and you live a good long life... you don't practice, no good life. After Guruji spoke, we held a Kirtan for the closing of Tim's studio. It was very nice though I have a hard time with Kirtan because I have no musical ability whatsoever and tend to be completely off key. It was sad to see the end of an era... the end of our practice space. Tomorrow, we're "on the hill" at the Best Western until Tim finds a new home for his shala.

I realized after I stayed out late last night that I forgot I had a project due today so I raced home and stayed up working which left me awfully tired this morning. So tired and out of it that I contemplated not practicing and instead, just watching. Something inside me wouldn't let that happen though... I needed this one last blast... this one last piece of Guruji as well as the rest of the students here... the energy has been so amazing. I don't want it to be over. Like a child I want to scream "NO!!!!" I chose to practice in the far corner today, front row, but all the way to the side. I chose this because one of Tim's students brought a space heater and set it up right there and, frankly, it was so cold in there this morning I thought my feet might fall off. My practice was okay... a bit weak but okay nonetheless. Most notable moment was in Garbha Pindasana which I easily enter... I was waiting for Guruji to count when we see him pick up someone's water bottle, walk another row back and start spraying a student down. That student was JumpsThruSomeday, aka, Cindi from Seattle. It was classic. He sprayed her everywhere and the whole room was laughing. As we were entering savasana, Guruji said "LAY DOWN!" Then "Stand Up!" We did a beautiful, wonderful, closing chant. I started to cry. I just feel this amazing transformation... this wonderful something that I don't know how to name. When paying my respects, Guruji smiled at me with recognition -- something to cherish in and of itself. As I knelt down, he helped me up and said "You come to India." I smiled and he said "Come to India!" so what could I say except "Yes, Guruji"... then he leaned in and kissed me and held me close, yes, I could actually feel him pulling me in. It was bliss. These pictures are of that moment.

After class a group of us had breakfast -- JMS, Casey Palmer, Tarik from Japan, Andrew by way of Australia, JumpsThruSomeday and OneCrookedFella, Sheenan and a few others... as I got in my car to go home, the tears just started falling. I am so moved... my life is forever changed. I put on Green Day in an effort to drive home with sanity but I just cried the whole way.

My husband came home right after I did and thought something was terribly wrong. I could barely get out what I'm feeling in my heart. I told him what Guruji said about India... he said "Make it a goal... you always achieve your goals!"

Still crying...

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:43 AM | Comments (7)

March 30, 2005

Blog Effect

I'm not sure I have enough time for this post or even what this post is going to turn into... I'm just going to let it come or let it go and whatever comes out of my fingers is what is going to be. After a very difficult evening (think leak from our upstairs bathroom, through the ceiling, big wide hole opened up by repairmen, big industrial fan blowing in the living room -- can't think straight), I went to bed and could not fall asleep. Finally around 11 or so I took a Melatonin and the next thing I know its 3am and my little one is literally kneeing me in the head. When 6am got close, I turned off the alarm, dragged myself out of bed and made it to watch the second series class at 7am. What an incredible sight! First let me say that I wish I had a better viewing area... as it was I couldn't see a few people I would have liked to watch but I must say that our favorite Bandha Boyz (aka JMS and Casey) are an absolute site to see... their jump backs, simply the cessation of movement in the air until Guruji gives the jump back cue are, well, something that will only ever happen for me in the depths of a dream state. Lots of people were sent back after Dwi Pada and more after Karandavasana which Guruji basically made everyone do twice -- once on his count and another to ensure they could do it in front of him. Tim did it about 4 times actually. I really enjoy seeing the relationship between Tim adn Guruji -- lots of laughter and good energy... I see the qualities in their relationship that Tim brings out in his teachings.

After watching second series, I practice first series. Today I became more daring and moved up to the second row from the front, dead center. I own up to becoming slightly nervous when I realized that my mat was between the two mats in front of me and that Guruji was going to stand directly in front of me for what appeared quite some time. I just kept reminding myself to breathe and not worry... just breathe. The first adjustment Guruji gave me was in Utthita Trikonasana... on my bad side, he pulled my hip back, raised my arm a little straighter and stood there with me like that through the pose. In Prasarita Padottanasana D, he pulled me a little further forward. In Virabhadrasana, he correct my arm position and stood there with me for a couple breaths. At this point in my practice I really felt this immense, overwhelming feeling -- of something, but I don't quite know what. I guess what I felt was that Guruji was my teacher at that moment... I could see physically that he was watching, he was adjusting, he would occasionally nod at me... When we moved to seated postures I was feeling pretty good. In fact, I think I felt like I was flying. I took a bathroom break at the beginning of Navasana -- the line to the bathroom had been so long when practice started that I didn't want to miss sun salutations... I knew I was going to have to take a break but I didn't want to miss any poses... I finally decided on Navasana because, well, who wouldn't choose that ;) As I was exiting the bathroom Tim was standing there, he said "Good timing!" My kurmasana today was okay, I was able to bind my hands in supta but as I was trying to get my feet crossed, Guruji came and did it for me... I wasn't quite ready so my hands slipped apart but he didn't notice (or didn't care). We moved to Garbha Pindasana and I felt wierd... my holes felt bigger or something... it almost made me feel off center. Guruji was looking at me and indicated I needed to take my hands to my face (heels of hands on chin)... I can get one there no problem but I struggle with the other one. I made some gesture of getting it there and he walked by to help someone... then when he told us to roll I lifted up my head and let my hands go. I do this because if I roll with my head tucked and therefore my back very round on hardwood floors, my back ends up scraped and raw and very sore. Of course, Guruji saw this and said "Take your ears!" so I did... of course then rolling became a challenge, so, heck, he rolled me :) It was actually probably the most gentle roll assist anyone has ever given me... I can't even say that it hurt. What I especially liked about this assist was that normally when people help me roll they also help me up into kukutasana. I don't like help up into this pose. I can do this pose just fine on my own and if someone helps me it hinders my ability to get center. Guruji didn't do that which was nice. I was sorta dreading Baddha Konasana. My hip is still tweaked but I've been bearing through it in all my difficult postures with the exception of Baddha K. I've been going *almost* all the way down but really going slowly and well, I guess babying the hip. Probably the best adjustment I got today was here. Guruji came over and said "Relax," he then put his feet on my thighs and pushed my back all the way down... then he did an "Ah..." as in "Yes" sound. I almost burst into tears it felt so good. The remaining postures in the series I don't really remember doing. I really tried to remember up to this point to journal it because it was so dynamic... Backbends were pretty average for me... I was able to move my hands in a bit more. Guruji also gave me an adjustment in Paschimottanasana after backbends... I really like when someone adjusts me here.. I struggle with this pose in this place sometimes. I had noticed this morning watching second that a lot of people were instructed to put their knees down in karnapidasana -- something very easy for me to do. As I put my knees down today, Guruji came over and pushed my back a little straighter and kept his hand there for a few breaths... it really really made the spot on my back start to scream out. He walked away (we actually held this pose for a long longer today) and I had an uncontrollable urge to just come out of it. Knowing he was close by, I kept saying "Breathe... breathe...breathe into it." I don't think the discomfort every went away but I held onto it. I always love Pindasana at the end... one of my favorites but I really get uncomfortable in Mathsyasana and Uttana Padasana. Guruji held me knee (my left) down in Mathyasana today... I really love that adjustment too.. and told me "Put your head back!" I was terrified he was going to stick around for Uttana Padasana because, frankly, it terrifies me to keep my head all the way back for it (in all honesty, I had held my head a little further in the former because I knew he would be around and had been saying "DON'T MOVE YOUR HEAD!"). Since he had made me put my head back, I was completely relieved when he walked away from Uttana Padasana. In retrospect maybe I shouldn't have been relieved... maybe I would have had a marvelous experience... but hindsight is 20/20 and I was happy that I could cheat there a bit. I was also happy that he didn't make me try to come up in headstand where he straighened my spine out a bit as well... and then stood with the person next to me in my unfortunate effort to do ardha sirsasana... I came out of it, he said "oh..." and I did come back up... but then started to come down and he said "SOFTLY!" to which I responded with a laugh :)

As we laid down for savasana Tim made an announcement... so I popped back up for a moment... I went back down, covered my eyes and suddenly this immense sob just came into me. I was fighting back tears. Of course, the analytical me wondered why, the shy me didn't want to cry in a room full of so many people. I really tried to stop... I let a few come... thought I had it under control... then it came again. I was shaking almost. When Guruji gave the signal that practice was over I rolled up my mat quickly and went to the wall to sit there by myself. My neighbor on the mat next to me saw my reaction and gave me a very empathetic look and a touch. I just wished at that moment that I could be all alone. Right as I was pulling myself together, a very sweet woman walked over and introduced herself (I won't out her name here :>) and said she read my blog. So sweet. At the time, right before she walked over, the thought split into my head that this practice was so internal and so intense and so amazing that I couldn't blog about it... but after I talked to her and I sat on it for a couple hours I realized that this is what I blog for... to really get this out, to share of myself and this was probably one of the most moving, personal, intense practices I'll ever have in my lifetime. Not only do I not want to forget what I was feeling at this moment but I want to share it (I think). For by using this blog to work through "sharing" maybe the next time I won't feel like I have to stop the tears from coming... maybe, just maybe, I'll feel comfortable enough with the exposure to just let it happen.

(blog and pictures about tonight's conference -- Guruji says "Breath Is God!" -- tomorrow... I'm exhausted and touched out now)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:12 PM | Comments (2)

March 29, 2005

Trustworthy Yogis

This morning I decided to try something different and completely illegal... I ate. The past few practices (the 9am ones) have been difficult... my arms have felt really tired and I've generally been a little off, without energy. So this morning I got up and made a tiny bowl of food -- 5 tablespoons of yogurt, 5 blueberries, 2 strawberries, a tablespoon of granola and some bee pollen on top. The difference was dramatic for me today and I even indulged in my biggest vice last night so I really do attribute it to the intake of food before practice. I had a really great practice today... I chose to go in the 3rd row this morning, dead center... right where JMS and Casey had vacated (figuring I could soak up their bandha boy energy ;>). We did a lot more sun salutations than I seem to remember on the other days... in fact, Guruji said "Last one!" and I was relieved... of course, then when we got to samastithi he said "Last one!" again to which everyone groaned and he smiled. I could tell pretty quickly that something was going on in the front row. Apparently two women came who either had never done primary series before, never done ashtanga before or had maybe taken one or two intro classes. Guruji was there like a bee to a flower... spending a lot of time telling them what to do. I heard that they didn't listen (I also heard that Sharath removed them from the class and they subsequently came back). One of the best things today was Saraswati -- in Utthita Hasta Padagustasana she did simultaneous adjustments on the two, much taller than her men, right in front of me. It was very cute... she's got power. She later adjusted both men at the same time in Navasana. I only bellied out in 2 maybe 3 chatarungas today... I was so proud of myself and I even jumped through in most of the practice today... I think the strength came from having eaten and given my body some fuel. I don't know how I'm going to work that out... but I also notice that I didn't feel as bad at 7am as at 9. I had a wonderful Marichyasana series today... they just felt perfect... I could have stayed in them for a long time (and in D we did hold the first side quite long as Guruji helped someone in). We didn't even hold Urdhva Mukha Paschimottasana for longer than a 5 count today... but, for the past two practices, I've been getting these gnarly cramps in my calves as I come up into Setu Bandhasana which is a bummer because I'm really liking that pose... I have to come up, shake out my leg then go back into it. My closing sequence was a lot better today -- my back was really feeling better, maybe I was a lot hotter today -- though Tim adjusted me in Uttana Padasana (moving my legs lower and straightening my toes) and chuckled (I think he knows I hate that pose and find it really difficult). I did manage to hold my headstand for all 10 breaths and halfway down for 10 breaths but I didn't make it backup again...

After practice I came home to shower and take my daughter to lunch when I realized that I left my very special Patagonia jacket that The Husband just bought for me at the gym. I've been wearing it to practice everyday because it is warm but it is totally special (very long story)... thankfully, yogis are trustworthy... I called the Boys & Girls Club and it was still sitting where I left it.

The bummer of the day is that I feel a tiny tickle in the back of my throat -- remember the full eye open kiss from my daughter? *sigh*

Tomorrow is going to be awesome... I'm going to get up and try to make the 7am second series class as a spectator, practice at 9, do Saraswati's cooking class at noon.... go home to shower before satsang and the ceremony for the end of an era (Tim's shala closing). All this yoga has me completely gelled out and in lala land... totally completely digging it.

(and for you non EZBoarders, you can see pics of the Bandha Boys referenced above here)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:47 PM

March 28, 2005

Guruji Pics

In addition to my last entry, here are some pics -- my camera was on the wrong setting for most of them.. didn't realize it until later:

First Satsang, Tim giving history of Ashtanga Yoga in West:

Guruji at First Satsang:

Waiting for practice, Week 2, Day 2:

Waiting for practice still:

Right after practice, line for Guruji with TaraIsAGoddess (in orange), JumpsThurSomeday on her left, OneCrookedFella on her right and Jen from Tulum across from her:

Me with Tim and Guruji (someone else had a camera right in front of us that Guruji was looking at)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:20 PM | Comments (2)

Now I'm Feelin' It

Last night I made a nice meal for dinner and then my husband was a complete jerk... this isn't unusual for us ... I get into my gel spot after yoga ... and being surrounded by all this yoga is definitely getting me into that looney, spacey, what-the-hell-is-going-on-around-me place... and he's still rigid in reality and we clash in a big way. So we didn't talk for the whole night. Now, I readily admit this was my bad. He tried and I just wasn't open to receiving it. In fact, if truth be told, I still haven't been open to receiving it... I felt like his energy was messin' with all the good positive yoga vibe I had going on... of course, how un-yogic of me but, heck, that's why it's a practice.

This morning was just as painful to awake as yesterday only a bit worse... The Daughter crawled into our bed at some point with lots of beautiful, loud congestion and the desire to fling her extremeties however tightly she could around whatever parts of me I couldn't curl into a tiny ball (this includes the neck and waist mostly -- she doesn't care so much for lower legs). Once she awoke she then kissed me dead on in an open eye - OUCH! My little girl kisses me every morning as she escapes from the bed at some un-Godlike hour (my kids both get up very early) and it's very sweet but right in the eye... not so fun. I tried to stretch my hamstrings out a bit before I left but I quickly realized that my hamstrings likely weren't going to be the problem -- my biceps were plain old tired. As we all know, I don't have many flexibility issues but strength and stamina are always going to be my challenge and I knew today would be a huge challenge. It started raining on the way there which means, of course, that everyone on the freeway slows down to a crawl but I still got there with enough time to get a nice parking spot. Today I took a spot a few rows back from where I have been and we were all genuinely surprised at how empty it was... we had more mat space today than we EVER have at the studio... in fact, I, being 6 feet tall, was even able to raise my arms out to the sides for sun salutations. Ah, sun salutations... man, my biceps were just crying almost from the start... I started to find some semblance of strength towards the end when my body started to heat up a bit... standing postures were good for me though my left hamstring was putting up a fight to let itself go. Sharath gave me a verbal adjustment for Janu Shirasana B today... he told me to put my heel further back which felt *really* wierd as it was in my anus rather than perinium... I thought, for girls, it was supposed to be closer to there than the former but, ah well, that's what he told me to do so I did. I got bound by myself today in Supta Kurmasana --- I had a bit more time to get into kurmasana which makes it easier for me to get into supta. I got a gnarly cramp in my left calf as I came up for Setu Bandhasana ... I had to pull my legs back straight and shake it out for a second... never had that happen before... I wonder if that is from trying to push my legs as straight as they would go. Closing sequence was just as painful on my back as the last few practices... you see closing sequence is hit or miss for me... the "car accident spot" on my back is either tight or sufficiently loose. If it's tight, closing sequence is an exercise of my edge, if it's loose then the closing sequence is a beautiful feeling for me. Today, it was VERY tight. Sharath adjusted my feet in Uttana Padasana... this is probably one of the hardest poses for me because of said car accident spot.. getting into this pose is like a direct line to the cortizone injection space and it hurts like hell. I normally have to move my head somewhat and flatten out my lower back in order to make any semblance of the pose but Sharath must have been standing right there today for he straightened my knees and made me point my toes (something that makes it worse)... and he kept standing there :) As we were doing our vinyasa into Sirsana (OneCrookedFella on my right again today), Sharath says to us "Don't fall down" -- it was great... we just looked at him and smiled... sure, don't fall down. I actually have to say that sirsana has probably been the biggest surprise for me in practicing with Guruji. Generally I have a very hard time holding it and I almost can never hold ardha but... the last few practices I've been able to hold it all 10 breaths and even hold halfway down for all 10 breaths. Today I couldn't make it back up after the 10 but I still did the 10.

We all cheated in utpluthih today :)

After practice we had a yogi lunch at the beautiful TaraIsAGoddess's house... a few us cruised to Jimbos (health food store) together and purchased lots of fresh food. I really am digging this whole social thing... the energy is so great and it really infuses the rest of my day with a nice yoga ambiance. We were told today that Guruji will be doing another satsang on Wednesday which is great... and Thursday will only be one class at 7am instead of two classes.

Off to have a conference call -- these people I work with must wonder what the hell I've been doing, I'm never here anymore.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:23 PM | Comments (1)

March 27, 2005

Week 2 Starts

Yesterday was an absolutely stunning day. We woke up to beautiful spring San Diego weather -- this is why we pay out our nose to live here (well that and the surf). The Son had a baseball game... coach-pitched this year.. and the game was remarkable. I can't believe the difference a year makes in these little 7 year olds. They were making outs all on their own, hitting the ball... playing baseball. It's just too cute and The Son even did a spectacular job at this game. Really remarkable and he enjoyed it too.

After the game my mom took the kids to her house so The Husband & I could have date night which we started by attending the reception for Guruji. It was a nice small gathering -- I was thrilled to see Kiran whom I haven't seen in awhile with all my traveling. I got to meet some people that I hadn't met yet and get reacquainted with a few I had met but hadn't had time to get to know. Guruji came in a couple hours later.. a quick line formed to pay respects and then he left. The Husband and I went to Passage to India for dinner where we enjoyed Dahl Mahkani and some good conversation.... then we came home for a dip in the hot tub, some "adult time" and a movie. It's funny how on date night we have to decide what is most important -- it is so rare, as a parent, to have time to ourselves that it's a debate: Do we go live it up or just stay home and have a quiet evening, hitting the hay early. I have this same battle when I travel -- see the city I'm in or crash early and find somewhere to practice in the morning. Since The Husband was surfing at 6am and the first series class was at 9, we decided to do an early night and enjoy actually sleeping in our bed without little feet kicking us all night long.

For some reason, I could barely drag myself out of bed this morning... I saw 6:50, then 7:10, then 7:20 and finally I said "YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF BED!" I knew then I would have a struggle today... I was surprised when I got to the gymnasium that all the parking wasn't all full up (Teletubby reference again). I even got the last of the real parking spots. I saw some people I knew hanging around outside and when second series was over, found a spot in the same basic vicinity that I've been in the last couple Guruji practices. It all started in sun salutations... I spent a little bit too much time talking before practice and I should have warmed up a little bit more... I really struggled with the breath... it felt like we'd get into downward dog and I'd be on my first inhale and Guruji was saying "5!" I never did latch onto a rhythm during sun salutations... standing was okay though I fell out of utthita hasta padagustasana on the first side which I very rarely do. By the time we got to seated I was doing okay with the breath and felt sufficiently warmed up. EZBoarder OneCrookedFella was beside me today (and JumpsThruSomeday behind me) and Sharath came over for Mari series to help. It was too cute, he told OCF that he could put his leg in lotus and then just stood there and chuckled (I'm not sure OCF was chuckling too). We held urdvha mukha paschimottanasana for only two counts to 4 today... still difficult to hold and I saw quite a few people fall out of it after a valiant effort of holding on (including myself). I have to say that my favorite pose since Guruji has come has been Setu Bandhasana... it seems almost effortless to get up to the crown of my head now (it is not, however, effortless to hold it there for longer than 5-6 breaths). I'm really enjoyed that pose suddenly... isn't it funny how things come and go in our practices.

After practice I called my mom to check on the kids. My mom and dad took them fishing today. FISHING. The Daughter caught a 2lb trout and The Son got two fish of his own... and, of course, the Easter Bunny found them at her house (he doesn't know where I live). OCF and JTS as well as another friend from the studio went to breakfast where we ran into JMS and a couple of his friends. The day is spectacular... my kids are at their grandparents... and I'm going to go enjoy it.

**edited to add**
OMG, my best friend just called me to tell me that one of my favorite bands is playing HUMPHREYS! in September... Dead Can Dance. Tickets go on sale Saturday at 10am. I am soooo there (last time we saw them before that old theater downtown was closed down, I believe we were all shrooming or something... but I distinctly remember the guy next to us who came in all decked out in this black, velvet cape thingy, white make-up, black hair, black eyeliner..full bore goth dude and we thought to ourselves "Holy crap, we used to look like that!" I can't wait to see who will turn up at Humprheys. What an odd place for them to play).

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:45 PM

March 25, 2005

Hot

Well, the MYSQL database for Ashtangi.NET crashed tonight... I think everything is a-ok now... I guess we'll see :) Sometimes I love being techie, sometimes I wish I lived a life of technical oblivion :)

Random thoughts from my day:

Sometimes when I have help on my way to that other state of mental discipline and I'm relaxing in the bath I find some tangent of the truly physical part of yoga... if I keep my inner thighs rotated in, press here, do this then WOW that's it. Part of my problem may be that I simply don't get enough of that click when I'm on the mat... well, not a problem, just not how yoga is for me which is a-ok... sometimes though I have to remind myself of that.

My son is simply not a natural athlete... now my daughter, she is... my son, it is so cute for me to watch him play baseball, he's laughing and running in circles, falling to the ground, scratching his crotch in those little baseball pants... but I'm sure some of his teammates are more like "DUDE, the ball is coming!"

I'm sure some of the moms thought I was a little freaky (:>) when I got down on the ground and was doing backbends with all the little 4 year old siblings at today's practice... no really, I did that. Little 4 year old girls can do some amazing things!

Someone today said something nice about me physically... which brought me to remember recent comments by yogis about wandering drishti which led me to make the comment... you know there are some pretty hot looking yogis too... which led me to think about something I've never noticed about myself before. If someone had asked me what my "type" is -- I probably wouldn't have focused at all on physical aspects of what my "type" might be... what I realized tonight was that I definitely have a physical type too and I've never noticed that before. Strangely enough, the physical type I seem to have always been drawn to (think on this D, A and all you other people I've known for two decades) is the long, lanky, lean ashtanga boy body. Now, I've never dated an ashtanga boy since I've been married since finding ashtanga but I found it fascinating that I never really noticed before that I definitely have a "body type" as well. Pretty good even that my husband actually has that body type it's just the first time I've ever seen the pattern before.

I might get to go practice with Olaf next Sunday... I am meeting someone from back East out in Palm Desert for dinner so I thought "Heck, just leave at 7am for dinner and you could probably make the 10am led class!" My husband thinks I'm a fruitcake (but he is going to come with me the reception for Guruji tomorrow :>).

Tonight was a Goddess Party for one of the girls at the studio that is moving away... I had really been hoping to go and make some effort to be part of the larger community but life as a mom takes precedence and my daughter nailed her head on the side of our granite countertop, my kids said we hadn't had dinner together in awhile (I've been eating minimally since Guruji on Tuesday) which led to mommy guilt and here I am :) I don't mind, they give me so much room to practice, they are beautiful.

I just discovered one of my favorite bands is playing The Belly Up in April... I think I have to go... now I just have to convince The Husband to go with me... The Blasters... April 29th... The last time I knew they played here was a very different time in my life, right before I met The Husband, 24 or something, living in Hillcrest, The Alibi was *MY* hangout, the place where everyone knew my name... I used to wear a lot of black, bang my head and wear a silver cock ring around my neck (HAHAHAHAHA that belonged to Bill Blitz) for fun. One day Angel and I were driving to Oceanside and I listened to my messages, one was from some psycho-billy dude that we thought told us The Blasters were playing and the other was from The Husband, singing on my answering machine, Keep Me From Harm (Peter Murphy)... I turned the car around and raced home (that was back before digital answering machines where if someone else called it would overwrite the original message) to get the tape... It turned out The Blasters wasn't what he said ... he said that other rockabilly band that started with a B that weren't worth seeing... but I still have that tape.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:12 PM | Comments (4)

March 24, 2005

Blog Reputation

I'm on a roll...let's go with it.

One of the topics of conversation that came up at dinner was about blogging, being known by your blog and the intimacy that one shares on a blog. One of the things blogging has done for me is really allowed me to undo the shyness. I've never been very coy-shy but I know that some of you who have known me for 20 years (can you believe that there are people who read this blog that I've known for 20 YEARS... just blows me away sometimes) would recognize it when I say I'm shy. Sometimes in my life that has come across as anti-social (you know the whole death rock, fuck the establishment period of our Docs and black) but more and more I was finding it coming across as simply not sharing enough of whom I am. I guess while I had good relationships with a those few, I never really made a greater effort to bring others into my life. Awhile back, after blogging for awhile, I discovered that blogging has the ability to really let me share in the more anonymous way that I needed in order to get to a point where I can do that with just about anyone I meet.

But I have to own up that sometimes it can be a little wierd to look at someone and know that they know all this stuff about you. It's a very vulnerable feeling... you realize that someone has sat out there and made their perceptions of you or judged you and you never even knew you were being judged. It's different than meeting someone that you never had any experience of because they may have an experience of you already. I need that experience of vulnerability... or maybe it's not a need but something I truly enjoy. It really pushes me to my edge in a social capacity and I find I enjoy them more and more each time.

This is one of those things that yoga has really brought into my life... the ability to see these little personal habits or issues and just look at them in the face without fear or craze... to just accept it.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:32 PM | Comments (2)

Little Yogini

In honor of our half hour of good today, The Daughter wanted to do yoga with me... only after did she ask me if I'd take pictures of her doing yoga for her photo album (she carries a photo album around)....

(It's remarkable -- a record..I've made like 4 posts in 24 hours... frightening)...

Samastithi

Ekam (we call this up to sun)

Up Dog

Down Dog

Jumping to hands

.. and, finally, her favorite, her backbend (and mommy is very jealous)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:59 AM | Comments (3)

March 23, 2005

Half Good

I was telling my friend Lucia the other day that I think some of her perception of what Ashtanga, Mysore, traditional Ashtanga is about is a bit skewed from her reading of blogs. One of the things I enjoy about meeting bloggers or EZBoarders is that you get to see the real parts of themselves that we don't get to see via this medium... the yogi who loves chocolate, for example.

Tonight we had a satsang with Guruji. It was great... I so loved it. First, it is so wonderful to be sitting in a room with so much really wonderful energy... it is almost freeing if you know what I mean. Tim started off with a history of Ashtanga in Encinitas (or, I guess in America for that matter) that was a really wonderful and personal renedition. Guruji then talked for awhile... I'm not 100% sure I caught everything and a secret part of myself wishes I could replay the video so I could catch more and then another part of me thinks that there was so much there that it is all seeping into my being right now... that it wasn't really inside the exact words. Guruji is funny... what an amazingly bright spirit! I can't really remember his jokes but they were great. For example, when Tim referred to his first teachers in Encinitas, Guruji grunted... it was a great exchange. We learned that one should not start pranayama until one can sit in padmasana for 3 hours and get up without pain. We learned that if one is going through a bad time emotionally, take 30 minutes and think of nothing but God.. all will be fine. We learned that the practice doesn't change because of age. We learned that, thanks to Sharath's input, one can balance work, family and other responsibilities and still practice the full 8 limbs... your day starts at 2am and "one gets used to it." We learned that sitting in your computer chair, eyeing the wall and thinking "mhmmm... I feel like a headstand right now," running over to invert yourself is NOT a good idea. We learned that practicing at night is only half good. I think we probably absorbed a whole lot more.

After satsang a few of us went for food (of which I was in desperate need at this point) and talked. I got to meet CPalmer from EZBoard (Cameron, Kathy -- who's in the lead now?). I got to hear about the lives of some beautiful yoginis who just have so much light. It was a very cool night (I rhymed!).

No practice for me tomorrow... Work is feeling neglected, my daughter wants me to watch her backbends... It's that balance thing... maybe a half hour tomorrow. For Guruji said in answer to a woman who asked what to do when you are trying to live the practice and, well, your family gets angry you are so about yoga... do you do less family, more yoga or less yoga and more family, you do a half hour of asana, all is good.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:44 PM | Comments (1)

The Tinkle is My Ankle

I had this wonderful post all written out and then boom... it was gone... I probably can't replicate it so we'll just see what we get...

I left my house at 6:09 this morning... when I got to the Boys & Girls Club the car in front of me took the last actual parking spot and the rest of just began to form the lineup of the driveway. I took a spot in the same basic position as yesterday -- far away from the door and the air conditioners.. I think the room was colder today than yesterday. I forgot to bring my warmer shirt so I just piled on layers and then felt horrible like a Pillsbury Dough Woman and unable to move well. When Guruji came in wearing this cute little beanie there was almost a collective "Ah" and many cameras suddenly produced. Tim announced that Guruji would be giving a lecture this evening at the shala and that all were welcome... I think the line is probably already forming. As for myself, I'm in the begging stages with my husband but I think I'm going to be able to get out of here around 4pm... I think. I am hopeful.

I saw a little boy come in with his dad to practice today -- what a beautiful thing. I can only hope to have one of my kids with me someday on the mat... I heard that the little boy practiced yesterday too and that he has a delightful practice... simply, absolutely beautiful and I feel blessed to have been in the company of such amazing people today.

I never did get warm through sun salutations and my hamstrings felt like rods of icicles. Last night right when the rain started I felt the aches in my hips really start to come on strong -- I wonder if the barometric pressure or something has something to do with the way my body has felt recently... given all the rain, it's quite plausible. Somewhere around Utkatasana I came out of my zone and looked up to see OKRGR standing in the front observering. I harbored the thought for a pose or two of giving him my camera but decided that was a) dorky and b) physically impossible. During seated poses today I was really getting into the collective atmosphere of the room... I was unable to hold my chatarungas as well as yesterday and instead slid to my belly a lot more. Bad Lady. I think my arms were plain old tired from holding them so much yesterday. During Navasana Sharath was standing a couple people away when I suddenly realized (via the slight chuckle of the girl next to me - no worries, she practices at the shala so I "knew" her) that whatever he had just said was aimed at me... I didn't know what he had said so I just tightened and straightened myself out some and that seemed to satisfy him... I still have no idea what he actually said to me. I didn't roll in Garbha Pindasana today -- in fact, I only rolled back once and then just said forget it. I realize this is cheating but if you had seen the raw marks on my spine from yesterday you might sympathize -- okay maybe not. Guruji's counting pleasure came today in Urdhva Mukah Paschimottanasana -- when he counted us "1....2....3....4....1....2...." I'm not quite sure how many times he counted to 4 but, at some struggling point, I saw Tim who was standing close to me, look to Guruji and upturn his hands in a questioning motion... then I heard "5!" and a collective half sigh half exhausted laugh from the room. The "car accident spot" on my back was really flaming today and I completely struggled through closing sequence. I don't think I've ever felt such struggle before in them actually. In fact, Tim came over and put his hand on my spine to straighten out which was intensely uncomfortable to do but I tried to maintain it. I wasn't breathing right due to the discomfort I was feeling and I was trying to hard to reign myself back in but it never seemed to come for me. I did manage to hold headstand for all 10 breaths but was unable to hold ardha for all 10... practice! We got to experience Guruji's famous count of 9 in Uthipluthi again today :) 9... 9... 9... 9... 9... UP! 9... ONE MORE! 9... 9... Needless to say, I wasn't up by the end though I was attempting one damn good imitation of it from the front view ;) Savasana was longer today -- not by a lot but long enough to feel like I had lain in savasana. (I'm being told that I can leave exactly at 4pm for lecture tonight -- mhmmm..someone save me a spot! LOL).

I waited in line for Guruji and asked him to sign my Surya Namaskara book -- actually this is The Daughter's Surya Namaskara book (I have two copies)... she likes to carry it around with her... it's a small little thing with a colorful outside and the yoga pictures on the inside (her other favorite carrying around book is the one about the water that the Japanese guy did the pictures of -- she thinks they are snowflakes). When I handed it to Guruji to sign he said "Oh, Surya Namaskara, you reading?" I said "Yes" and then he was signing and I said "Actually, this is my daughters, she likes to carry it around." His face kinda lit up and he said "Little, how old?" to which I said "4" and he laughed -- the picture below with my eyes half shut (it's a good thing I'm coming back next week -- must get a good picture for my altar) is right after this exchange.

No practice for me tomorrow -- no babysitter... but next week all week WHOOHOOO!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:28 PM | Comments (2)

March 22, 2005

First Day With Guruji

I couldn't decide what time to leave this morning. I normally leave at 6:35 in order to get to the shala for the 7am classes and I'm usually 10-5 minutes early.... so I left this morning at 6:22... I should have left at 6 :) There was already no parking and half the room was all full up (Teletubbie talk there for you non-parental-units). On the advice of friends I took a spot on the side furthest from the door and air conditioners. I was surprised, maybe pleasantly, at how many people I actually knew in the room. Why this was surprising to me I don't know but it sorta made me feel like part of the ashtanga community here in Encinitas... I may not be totally close friends with all those people but I know their names (as the tune from Cheers quietly plays in my brain). For those long-time blog readers (do I still have any of those people around from way back when?), you know that finding a community has always been important to me and just as distant. Community by proxy!

I heard people after practice saying that Guruji did more sun salutations today -- I wasn't counting and normally I struggle through sun salutations if we do too many but I thought it was just the right amount. As much as I try, I struggle with trying to discuss physical aspects of my practice unless there is something glaring for me... yoga is much more of an esoteric, spiritual type thing for me so even if I'm jello on the mat, sometimes I have these amazing moments. I dug the atmosphere in the room... just knowing that so many people were there for all the same reasons I was and that there was an excitement and a buzz about it. It must have been hotter in there today than the last couple because I actually got a tiny sweat going (though the heavy shirt didn't come off until seated poses). Chatarungas -- UGH... those are held for a lot longer with Guruji than regularly -- a trial for someone like me. Although I was able to hold them through the majority of the practice, I was so worried about my shoulders that I really fidgeted with them. The only adjustments I received today was one from Tim in Paschimottanasana... I wasn't concentrating on my legs enough and my feet weren't at attention.. just a touch in the ball of my foot to get me to say "Oh yea duh." For some reason, I couldn't get bound by myself in supta kurmasana -- that hasn't been an issue for me lately but I think I was just sorta freaked about getting into kurmasana from the vinyasa that I didn't get my legs up far enough. After that, Saraswati was helping the guy next to me get into Garbha Pindasana -- she saw that I could get in and nodded... but then she started to roll him right as I was rolling plus the girl next to me was rolling which, of course, sent me flopping. Then I wasn't sure if I should get up or wait for her to finish since she was right in front of me... in the end, I waited for her to finish and then she turned around and rolled me around... oh the agony on my spine... When she rolled me up the last time for kukutasana I had the same problem I have frequently when someone helps me... I can't get up and stay up with help. I can get up and stay up just fine on my own and it feels great and I can keep my knees at my elbows but when someone helps me roll up, I just can't get my center centered and I struggle. I actually love this pose so it has been a big incentive to roll on my own. During the next few poses, Sharath was right by me and he as telling all us "no no, just head" as people were doing supta padagustasana the way we probably all cheat and do it :) In Setu Bandhasana today I was all the way back on my forehead (upper whatever you call that) and it felt AWESOME. My legs weren't far enough out and I felt like I could have gone a lot straighter if I had set up better but generally I don't get that far back on my forehead -- something to play with. Only 3 backbends -- I think I was happy about that! I actually managed to get my new anniversary band off my finger last night and so I actually held headstand for the full 10 breaths which is VERY difficult for me... I did, however, fall out of it trying to do ardha :( practice, practice, practice. For utpluthih, I was doing good for the first 5 breaths, then so-so for the next couple breaths then Guruji glimmered and said "9... 9... 9.... ooohhh 9 ...." By then we were all laughing and he yells CHATWARI! And then we were at the shortest savasana I've ever had... right after we laid down I kept hearing Guruji say "Thank You" and I wondered what was going on... eventually I heard enough shuffling that I realized people were getting up... the friend behind me said "WOW, that wasn't savasana!"

I stood in line at the end... unsure of what to do (well I knew what to do) and unsure if I felt intimate enough with Guruji to bless myself at his feet. Almost an unworthy feeling but not quite -- more of an "this is so special and I want to feel part of this" -- I guess I realized, in some respects, maybe many respects, I still feel like an outsider to this practice... maybe that is part of being new to the practice, or maybe its the incessant questioning that I do to myself... in the end, I decided it was probably more likely some of both and I went ahead to the front of the line. Tomorrow I hope to bring a camera... it would be great to have a picture for my office.

Leaving I bought my tshirt which I'm proudly wearing today -- just to feel connected through the day (although I just looked out the window and suddenly the sun has gone). I've fanagled my way into practicing tomorrow too (though I either have to be one of the first up from savasana or bring a camera another day as we have an appt with the Tax Man at 10:30) and maybe even Friday... and I've arranged to have my nanny come every morning next week so I don't have to worry about making it next week either.

Now, off to help my first grader do an oral report (his first!) on The Australian Box Jellyfish -- the deadliest jellyfish there is and responsible for more deaths down in OZ than sharks, snakes and... crocodiles!!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:32 AM

March 21, 2005

Somebody Missed Me!!

I ended up doing the first series class yesterday at the club. I knew my favorite teacher was back from her travels and would be teaching and I figured even if I was the only person in the room, that wouldn't be so bad. I was surprised to see a particular yogini in the room who said she just couldn't get to Encinitas for Guruji that morning... and a few other people in the room I had never seen before, two of whom, clearly had regular practices, one of whom was a man... interesting. My practice itself started out okay and then by Janu Shirasana C I just lost all steam. I'm guessing that's what the Girl's Night Pizza & Beer got back at me with but, in all, I've been feeling sorta heavy lately. I keep talking about a cleanse but I need something really laid out for me (anyone got a cleanse/detox they just love that doesn't involve lots of veggie juices -- I don't deal well with those?).

We had a gorgeous spring day yesterday (Neti -- did you actually get to enjoy some of it?) for Ostara (HAPPY SPRING EVERYONE!). Unfortunately, the Spring Fairies were a little out of practice and so I spent the afternoon finding the treasures for my little ones... this year the Spring Fairies were really into books, Barbie Fairy and AlphaTeam Legos (thank the Goddess we are finally getting away from Bionicles!)... it was about this time I remembered that I had a rollout to deploye last night and, hence, no practice in the morning because I can't be gone when I have a rollout the night before in case the world blows up.

As far as I can see, the world is still turning and my rollout went fine which means I will finally get to Guruji in the morning... I felt loved and noticed when I got a phone call from a yogini I know wanting to know if everything was okay since she hadn't seen me there because "Julie wouldn't miss Guruji!"

I just got off the phone with the surgeon's office. As it turns out, the financial end of this whole thing is now looking to be a relative non-issue. Apparently I actually have really good insurance and my out of network services cap is completely do-able. I have to say that when I stop and think about this procedure, I'm not really afraid of the outcome but I'm absolutely positively mortified at the thought of being put to sleep. I'm also trying to figure out how I'm going to deal with the perception that I've "had a boob job" since they will clearly look fake. I guess this will be a step on the journey of being at peace within and not caring what anyone else thinks of me whether they know me or not. Some family members have been very vocal that they believe this is not something I should be doing (none of them are the ones personally touched by cancer) to the point that we've avoided telling them this is happening and happening in the summer. I seem to get that reaction from people who really have not been exposed to the turmoil and pain cancer can cause... I imagine this is also something I will have to live with for the rest of my life -- people's perception of my reasoning. I have a friend that just got a breast reduction, she was telling me that the emotional recovery for her has been dramatic -- that she had a lot tied up there in her breasts. I wonder if my heart will become more open when I'm not living in fear over my breasts. It's not like I live in constant fear now but it certainly is something in the back of my mind... I have this tangent brewing that I have closed myself off here, that just maybe I will also find some freedom from this surgery.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:08 PM | Comments (2)

March 20, 2005

Hopping Along

Friday was my last practice at the current AYC in Encinitas.. with Mysore closed down for Guruji I'm going to be scrambling this week to fit in classes here and there. I had hoped to practice yesterday but my son had his first baseball game (coach-pitched... we were nervous, he's not a natural athlete) and I didn't think it would be kosher for me to have been gone so much for the past few months and then go to yoga for his first game too. After the game my husband and son went to Indian Guides for the night leaving me with a "girls night" with The Daughter... during which we do the same thing -- get a movie (Barbie's Princess & the Pauper in this case) and "get the pizza man." I've been fortunate the last two girl's nights that I've convinced her she can have a cookie if we make our own pizza instead :)

I went to bed after having two beers -- unusual for me -- I was feeling sorry for myself that today is the first day of Guruji and I can't go because I don't have a babysitter for The Daughter. I feel like I'm missing out on THE big thing -- the first day. I am going to go maybe tomorrow and Tuesday as a drop-in and all of next week but I was still sad to miss the very first day. Damn this mommy business just keeps getting in my way... but then I got up to turn off the light in her bedroom and there she was all curled up on the edge of her covers, her little jammies riding up to her knees, her head on her Minnie (stuffed animal), her mouth slightly open, breathing that beautiful baby (okay 4 year old) breath only a parent would know and appreciate. I've been feeling a bit too much lately that my yoga practice is entirely on the mat and that I've been so completely frayed and busy that I don't have time for my practice outside of the studio --- it's looking at my child and remembering the sacrifices I make on the mat (or rather not getting to the mat) are truly the best part of my practice in this life. Nonattachment, parenting as a journey to the soul. I'm debating doing the first series class at the health club because the good teacher is back but I know I will be bummed that all my friends caravaned to Guruji this morning -- it will be mighty empty in there.

For the past two nights I've had dreams of yoga -- night before last I dreamt I was on an airplane and some girl told me my "yoga sucked." Last night I had a dream that I was back at Tulum Teacher Training and the teacher was telling me I wasn't practicing yoga correctly and that I shouldn't be there !!!! :> !!! ???? Time to sit down and figure out what my sub-conscious is telling me I guess.

With Ashtangi.NET featured in Ashtanga.com's newsletter, I'm getting a lot of hits and a lot of interest... time to start putting some energy into the website again... fixing up the pieces that aren't working 100% and making some parts of it look better. There is another yogi out there working on something pretty cool that might join forces with me so keep your eye out!

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:11 AM | Comments (1)

March 18, 2005

Tattoo Pictures

I just had to share this tattoo picture that the wonderful Tammy from Tulum Teacher Training sent me today. I am simply in love with this picture of myself (how very vain) and had no idea she took it.

Tammy's Tattoo Picture

Practice this morning was nice -- nice to be back home. Neti was practicing at the shala today with his NEW fiance!!! (so many congratulations to them) and Jennifer from Tulum was there as well. It was nice to see friendly faces. Today Tim adjusted me in Purvottanasana an asana I admittedly struggle with every practice. The first part of my struggle is that my feet cramp up if I touch my toes, every time. You will always see me lifting one foot up to keep the cramp from manifesting itself too deeply. Secondly, if I really really really push through my arms, my elbow tweaks to the side in hyperextension and it really hurts. When I got adjusted this morning he asked me to push further and I was able to show what happens to my arms. He told me not to push the hyperextension but qualified that it "didn't look too bad" -- I asked if I should qualify the pain factor too :) Today was a tight fit in the shala -- I nearly nailed Tulum Jennifer in the face at one point but the greenhouse effect was in full swing and I simply love practices in that type of heat. Nothing remarkable about my practice in particular... I did dropbacks with the assistant today which is a different experience. It's not that I have more strength but on the final drop back he literally barely held me up and I really felt that I was doing it all myself -- not so on the upward movement however :)

With Guruji coming to town Sunday, practice is going to be hard to find next week :( I'm sad. The good news is that Ms. September is back in town and teaching so I can probably find some good led ashtanga for the week.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:41 PM | Comments (1)

March 17, 2005

Codependent with my Cell Phone

I left early Monday morning for New York. I got there at the relatively decent hour of 7:30, hadn't eaten all day since my connection was at the entire other end of Atlanta-Hartsfield from my arrival, grabbed some food and tried to sleep. I was up every hour... my hotel was right in Times Square (overlooking the tv screens) and it was relatively quiet but I just couldn't sleep. I'm sure part of it was nerves about my surgical appointments the next day.

I got up at 5am, showered (airplane grime - yuck) and got in the car for the hour long ride out to Yoga Synthesis which is where my friend Clio practices. Mysore started at 7 and although my driver got a bit lost, I made it. I found it so odd that way in the middle of what appeared to be nowhere I was going to a Mysore class and that people actually get up in the FREEZING ASS COLD weather and go practice at all -- I think I'd be convincing myself to stay in the warmth of my bed. The room was heated very nicely and it was different to practice without being 3" from my neighbor. Nice studio with hardwood floors and Raji was very clearly an ashtangi with a wonderfully peaceful and playful energy. I'm still a little unclear about the etiquette of saying you practice with *teacher name* but Raji already knew where I practiced since Clio had forwarned him I was coming :) (and that, consequently, she was going to try Mysore with me). When I began my practice I forgot where I was initially - that zone thing going and dropped into splits when Raji says "Ah, Tim is still letting you do that, eh?" I said "Oh ooops I forgot..." and he said "oh no no, go ahead... old timers do it that way" I thought that was cute. Raji gives nice adjustment -- not too hard and not too soft and he seems to try and breathe with you. He joked with students but was serious about the practice at the same time -- much like Tim is in this regard. I think the community there in timbuktu is very fortunate to have him teaching. Some of the practitioners there were quite advanced as well. We learned after practice that Raji has studied with Richard Freeman and used to practice 3rd with Tim in Boulder. You can see a lot of both teachers in him.

One of the things I'm finding interesting is how different all studios do dropbacks (Raji says mine need "work" hahahahaha boy do they ever). Raji has you drop all the way back to your head, hold for 5 breaths, up, down to *almost* your head 3 times then drop back. One of the things Raji did that David in Seattle did as well was put his hand mid back on the drop backs...this seems to help me feel my legs better.

All in all it was a great practice with a wonderful atmosphere -- so if you are ever out there in nowhere land New Jersey, look them up.

After that we went to my first appointment with the breast surgeon. The hospital is even more out in the middle of nowhere and this little tiny community hospital that looks more like a few doctors in practice than a hospital. That appointment went well and we went over all the stuff that he will do (mastectomy) and how it gets done. He is offering subcutaneous mastectomy (which means the incision is under the breast and preserves the nipple/areola) which I'm very happy about as this was the procedure I had thought of all along but which is not offered most places. From there we went to the plastic surgeon and amused ourselves in the waiting room looking at all the services offered -- peels, tattoo removal, breast augmentation, reduction, noses, chines, eyes... all quite fascinating. The plastic surgeon is more what I flew all the way to New York for... he began really with history which I won't bore you with then showed us the difference between saline and silicone gel implants. Given that what you see will be the implant since they remove the breast tissue, there really is no choice, the saline implants are hard and inflexible. I asked about durability and flexibility -- about really smooshing them in forward bends, etc. He said this would actually be a good massaging of them to keep them soft :) The surgery itself has an amazing recovery rate (in comparison to the other options) and he said I could come home 2 days later if I could find a surgeon willing to remove the drains here at home. He also said I could probably go back to yoga (lite yoga) in about 2 weeks and that I should not have any long term impact on my practice (he practices Bikram yoga so at least he understood what yoga was about) or physically other than in push-up type movements I may feel the implant move which would happen with any surgery. The Alloderm is pretty amazing -- it assimilates into your body so that within a month there is no discernable difference under a microscope between your tissue and the Alloderm -- its basically like a net of cells that bond with your own cells to form a new layer of skin... sorta cool.

I got on a train back to the city after that and met KJS for coffee... this was a very, very bad move on my part. By the time I was halfway through the conversation with her I was so wired -- drug induced wired -- that even I was a bit scared... in fact, I felt horrible and freaky. I should never, ever have caffeine that late in the day or maybe that much caffeine at all. I'm sure she thinks I'm a huge freak now (okay, well, maybe I am but I'm really not so non-stop-talky). She walked me back to my hotel, I showered and then met up with my friend for dinner. I really like the energy of the city in general. I like walking around and all the people -- the lights, how it seems so community-driven and at the same time there is so much anonymity. I knew I wasn't going to make it to Christopher's in the morning because I hadn't slept in like 3 days nor eaten well so I went ahead and had wine. I had made plans to meet up with KJS for a drink perhaps and then the next day go to a tea place for a tea with Laura from Tulum. Unfortunately, my cell phone died and where had I placed everyone's numbers? In my cell phone. I think I've messed up the battery from charging it too often when it isn't all the way discharged but how exactly do you work around needing a full charge when it isn't all the way discharged. Anyway, with a dead cell phone, I basically had no way to reach anyone. In the morning I was supposed to meet Laura but I got lost -- this is not hard in the city and I was happy to read that KJS lives there and still gets lost ;) I was supposed to take a subway to Prince and Charles only I got lost trying to find the subway and by the time I figured out I was horribly lost the taxi guy told me it was a bit away and I had to get to the airport so I missed Laura and I was quite sad.

The flight home was long -- I was supposed to get home at 8pm.. I didn't get home until after midnight. I turned on my phone -- surgery date has been set... July 11. I'm actually a bit scared now.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:04 AM | Comments (3)

March 12, 2005

The Happiest Place on Earth

Today I read an email someone sent me that led me to think about what is spiritual? In trying to figure out what the noun spiritual meant to me, I went down the path of "When do I feel most spiritual" and it came to me that I feel the most spiritual when I have a moment here and there throughout my day when I am just observing. I see myself say or think something and I have this moment of profound *something* (realization, truth, understanding, further questioning or just yea I can let that rest now I've examined it). Earlier today I was at California Adventure with my kids and I had a profound moment in recalling it this evening and really observing... After 24 hours already with my kids at Disneyland, all the ideals of the perfect, smiling, never frustrated, always positive straw mom looked like distant boats on the seashore... when the fight broke out about who got to hold onto which of the discarded park tickets (you see each one has a different character on it -- No I WANT Mickey... No, I don't like any of the others) I own up to saying "If you don't stop this fighting OVER A TICKET now, we'll turn around and go home." only to look up and see my mother looking at me, smirky smile on and I decide you know this is so funny... I'm sure when my mom was young and didn't have babies or got through stage 1 then stage 2 she thought she had it all figured out -- you know, how you're going to discipline, all the great positive things you'll never do. Of course she found out later that there is no perfect, no day when this little piece of your soul walking around won't drive you to exasperation (yes, come on, even you BEST moms out there). It's the moment of clarity such as that this parenting journey is simply an exercise in letting our ideals down and living in the moment that is and doing. One of those ideals down the drain today -- never yell at your kids in front of your parents or use bribery or shaming because these are all the things you've preached to your parents about as all the thing you are going to do differently.

Those moments of ahaha are what I find spiritual. Another example -- I had this thought today... I think finding my quads in yoga is my next journey. I thought that I was really going to push the issue of my throat hangup... I've been backing off on poses that require that full extension of the throat such as Warrior I and Utkatasana in an effort to keep my head back for a breath or two or three even sometimes. I realized that you can't force anything in yoga... I think I'm becoming frustrated with backbends and dreading the nearing of backdrops that I've been overlooking what my body is telling me. Part of my yoga should be not trying to do yoga but doing yoga.

Sometimes, I have these moments of clarity out of nowhere. Sometimes I have them when I get those few treasured moments of time when I'm not responsible for another little being and I've actually managed to let go of the resonsibility (two completely different issues that I'm not sure if you aren't a parent you would understand). Sometimes I even have them out of the simple thought "I need to blog about something other than the physical practice of yoga .. my blog is missing all that stuff I wanted my kids to know whirled around in here." So, I guess sometimes I even feel spiritual when I'm blogging.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:24 PM

March 10, 2005

FYI

I uploaded a ton of pictures from one of the Tulum Retreat participants tonight, Tyler...

http://www.ashtangi.net/imagegallery/gallery.asp

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:15 PM | Comments (1)

March 9, 2005

Surprisingly Not Bad

Last night was just one of those night. I'm working so hard right now that I was at the box until 10:30 last night and when I do that I can't fall asleep. The Daughter came in the room at some point probably right after I fell asleep which then woke me up and then I was up basically every hour afraid the 5:30 alarm would go off and wake everyone up. I finally pulled myself out of bed at 5:45, changed, made a cup of green tea and got myself on my 6am conference call, yawning. Done with that I made it to practice where I felt heavy and tired..so very tired. So I was surprised that when I started practicing, I actually didn't feel so bad. In fact, I had a damn good practice. It helped that, as JMS mentioned yesterday, it was like a greenhouse in there. I love that -- it's just been too cold lately. My hip didn't even hurt in Mari C -- with the teacher right next to me, used to my wincing and painful breathing, he said "No pain?" I said "Surprisingly NO!" I even managed to roll all the way around in Garbha Pindasana today -- given that we were so close to each other I was surprised I didn't roll right into someone. Baddha K -- I even got my chest on the ground when the assistant helped me do some release work first... ah, it felt so good. For a pose that was so easy for me, I'm learning to appreciate the release in that pose now that I can barely do it.

My backbends are still horrible. I even played with them yesterday here at home. I just don't know WHY I seem to have regressed so dramatically in them. I can still do a standing backbend and see the ground but I have to keep my hands on the backs of my thighs. My teacher has been having me do my last backbend using his ankles -- granted they are a lot better doing it this way, I can get a lot straighter through the arms but I still can't figure out how to use my legs. I just don't get it. Maybe I just need to let go of the idea entirely and it will come.

Busy, busy day... Moonday tomorrow.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:37 AM | Comments (3)

March 8, 2005

Fanagaling

I couldn't figure out why the last few days I've been sleeping too heavily... when you wake up and though you've been sleeping all night it seems like you haven't slept at all, you can't open your eyes or move your body... or why my body has been so lethargic... it wasn't until this morning when I could barely pry myself out of bed at 8am, when I looked over at the clock and behind it sat my thyroid meds and I realized... I haven't taken them since last Thursday -- DUH!!!!!! I had taken them out of my travel bag and set them there and then forgot them. I am horrible about pills -- it is why I can't take vitamins because I just can't remember to take them. Even something as critical to me as my thyroid meds, I will forget unless they are staring me in the face (in other words, I have to leave them right next to the monitor in my office or forget it). So I took some extra this morning (yes, I realize this is a no-no) and hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. Tomorrow! I thought I was going to be able to practice Mysore tomorrow but I just had the fortune to change my client meeting when they called and said "what time was that meeting again?" I so want to practice that I'm going to get up at 5:30 to meet with these people (they are east coast) so I can still make Mysore... now I know I'm insane. Since Thursday is a moon day I will at least get to do Mysore 3x this week and I already practiced Sunday so that's a 4 day practice this week which sorta sucks but is at least decent that I feel like I'm practicing. I am so good at fanagling that I begged The Husband to bring the kids to me at 9am on Friday (so that I'm doing the 7am Mysore class) and I'm going to go to Disneyland all sweaty straight from there. This took some fanagling since, apparently, waves are up starting tomorrow and he really doesn't want to have to come in early enough to get the kids there at 9. Rock on.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:44 AM | Comments (2)

March 7, 2005

One of THOSE Practices

The alarm went off at 6:07 this morning (I've simply never bothered to change the minutes to a more appropriate setting)... It was one of those times when the alarm clock goes off and I am so tired, so very tired.. and I realize that I've actually been sleeping and sleeping heavily. I was almost angry. I argued with myself, "If I close my eyes now, I bet I could get back to it." "Who am I kidding, in a half hour both kids will be bouncing around?" "Just get the hell out of bed already." I finally stumbled into the closet at 6:23. Threw on the first clothes I could find, grabbed my toothbrush, checked my email and left. I felt better once I got in the car and I was totally stoked to be doing a Mysore class here again. Sadly, my practice was one of those where you just wonder what you are doing there, you feel like you look horrible, are doing everything wrong, don't have even a beginning practice and that you're never, ever going to see another pose in your lifetime. I can't pinpoint exactly what sucked. The first thing I can identify is that I'm totally and completely sensitive to textures. So this beautiful ring, well, I can't get it off my finger (I always have a hard time getting my rings off because my knuckles are so much bigger than my finger but, in this case, I simply can't get it off -- my fingers may be slightly swollen due to moon coming, who knows). I don't ever practice with jewelery on and my wedding rings are the traditional Tiffany's knife edge which means that when you clapse hands or what not, it actually hurts. I was acutely aware of these rings throughout my practice. Hands on floor, could feel it pressing into me, Utthita Pasta Padaghustasana, my wrapped fingers were pressing against it. I now know I'm sensitive to texture because, as you all know, different floors both me, clothes, etc. I wonder if I have some tidbit of Sensory Integration Disorder or maybe this is just where my own obsessive compulsive personality shines through.

I was also acutely aware of how much my chatarungas SUCK in every single one I did (has anyone ever counted how many of those there are in first series). I tried all different ways to do it but I don't think any of them even approached a semblance of "well." I wonder if I psyched myself out into a bad practice because of it. I fell out of Bhujapindasana when I was coming back up with my teacher standing right next to me. I got a nice grunt and a point for that one. While I've been able to successfully bind and cross my feet in supta kurmasana lately, today I was only able to grab fingers and barely get my feet towards my head. I did manage to roll in Garbha Pindasana today but it took me probably 20 turns and I did have to cheat on one to get myself around. I didn't even attempt baddha k's forward bend today. My backbends continue to be a problem. What I don't get is that for awhile, my backbends were pretty good... but I'm not even close to this:

anymore (just looking at how far my feet are from my hands -- my feet are splayed here because I think I was trying to get up that way in an attempt to see if I would be successful cheating)... at least I don't feel like I'm close to that --- On my last backbend I held my teacher's ankles which feels great...I feel like I get a lot deeper into them with that extra help... and when he helped me up on my last one he said I used my legs a lot more. Then he grunted and prepared to have a linebacker come at hime for dropbacks :) On my up from dropbacks I went right back to coming up with my back instead of my legs. Practice, practice and more practice and maybe, just maybe, one day I'll get it.

Most surprising was the one pose I thought would be hardest with rings on was actually easier today than normal - headstand. Who knows...

This week is going to suck a bit for me. Still have the big consult project to finish, my own real job, volunteering for a special project in The Daughter's class, client meeting Wednesday smack dab in the middle of Mysore *SOB* and Disneyland on Friday morning... I think what I'm going to do is "put off" my children until 9am and have The Husband drop them off at the shala. I'll go to Disneyland all sweaty as we are staying at the Disneyland Hotel and I can shower there mid-afternoon. Then I will at least get to practice Thursday and Friday morning of this week. I will probably get to practice Sunday then I leave for New York on Monday (and I'm taking my dear friend Lucia to her very first Mysore class with her teacher who does Mysore twice a week... I'm so excited!

To drown my sorrows over not practicing tomorrow... I've just eaten 4 little chocolates... I believe I have started the Ashtangi Chocolate Exchange. When I got home from my trip to Seattle, waiting on the counter was this lovely box of chocolates from the beautiful Diane whom I met in Tulum and is moving to Encinitas shortly... All ashtangi's know that chocolate is an approved food right? :)

Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:49 PM | Comments (2)

March 6, 2005

Momentous Day

It's pretty difficult after having been gone first for 7 days for teacher training and then for a week at Microsoft to pull the usual "Sunday Morning Yoga" off. Sunday Morning Yoga is when I tell/ask DH to please be home from surfing in time for me to make it to Encinitas... rather than push my luck (you know, especially given the new bling), I chose to go to a later first series class here locally. I had a relatively good practice considering the food I've eaten this week (aka The Microsoft Diet), the two bottles of wine consumed on Friday night and the overall craziness of my weekend. The instructor had me stop doing chatarungas because, yes, they are that bad. Instead she had me drop to my knees, into cobra, then into upward dog. To some degree, I'm just not convinced that my chatarungas are ever going to be nice/correct/lovely/whatever. My shoulders round in naturally, I'm weak in the biceps likely from the hyperextension of my elbows (I really should post a picture of that). Where for some people, lotus is a distant glimpse of practice, this is where I struggle and likely always will to some extent. The question that comes to mind when I have an instructor so adamant about a particular pose with me is "So, do I stop doing the practice I've been given because I can't do this core thing correctly?" I never know the answer really but I have to assume that what I'm told to do in Mysore is what I should do (and, believe me, I've been told in Mysore that I need to work there but it is a practice). A comment the instructor made today was that when you go to another instructor and you say that you practice with InstructorX, the instructor blames all of your "issues" on your teacher. I wonder that this is really true? I almost felt like I shouldn't be saying anyone is my teacher (maybe no one is except myself). Doesn't everyone have places in their practices where they are working? Doesn't everyone have things they just don't do that well or are still working out? Of course, I'm also known for reading more than what is there in things people say to a class so I might be projecting my own fears. Of note in my physical practice today was only that I actually got my leg all the way up in Trivikrmasana (after Uthita Pasta...) on one side by myself.

Today The Daughter announced that she no longer wants to wear "diapers" to bed at night. Moving out of the diaper stage seems like such a... well... historic event... like the next stage of whatever is going to come has started. Married 10 years and our second child is no longer anywhere near being a baby. Chapter 2.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:47 PM

March 5, 2005

Breaking Tradition

10 years ago after our wedding we decided to take a day between our wedding and our honeymoon. On that first evening of being married, we went to one of our favorite restaurants, California Cuisine, and we've been going there every year on our anniversary ever since. When we got in the car to go out last night, The Husband told me the plan was to keep with tradition and go there and then do a few other things.... only San Diego wasn't cooperating. We get on the freeway and it is literally just stopped. Granted Friday night traffic can be bad but not going south and never like this. It took us 1/2 hour to go 1/2 mile and we realized that we had already missed our reservation and going downtown was simply not going to happen. So we eventually go to an exit and turned around making our way back into North County.... we couldn't decide on an "equivalent" restaurant because, well, North County, simply doesn't have the same type of restaurants as downtown and most places were already reserved... we finally decided on this little Italian place that we'd been to once before and that my friend, B, likes a lot so I figured it was pretty good. They were able to seat us right next to the fire place, we ordered one of my favorite wines (Bonny Doon's Le Cigar Volant) and we had some nice conversation. I gave The Husband the gift I got for him -- an S.T. Dupont, Orpheo Collection, platinum and black lacquer convertible rollerball pen, engraved on the clip with the same phrase that is inside his wedding ring. The Husband then gave me my gift but first explained it... Sometime last year I had, apparently, been looking through a magazine like Cosmopolitan, which is rare for me, I don't look through those kinds of magazines but I guess I had picked it up on a plane or something... while browsing through it in bed one night I commented on an advertisement that it was one of the most beautiful rings I had ever seen. Apparently, The Husband watched for me to be done with the magazine, found the ad and tore it out... this is the ring he gave me last night. It is simply beautiful and so over the top for me but I love it (You can view the ring by going to Tacori, clicking on the Tacori Collections link, select Bridal, select Penguin from the menu, then select the section picture, of the anniversary band rather than the engagement ring). More special is the effort he put into it...

With our gifts exchanged and some discussion about the past, present and future, dinner consumed (which was lovely by the way) we decided to forget even attempting to go anywhere, traffic was still horrid and it was raining... we went home. The kids were at Grandmas and OKRGR had left me a beautiful bottle of Champagne when last he visited my home so we popped the cork (J/K, thank you so much, that champagne was probably one of the best I've ever had.. it rocked) and slipped into our jacuzzi together. We had a wonderful night, at home, snuggled up together in the rain (and we remembered that it rained 10 years ago on our wedding night too) and felt like we had really just had a wonderful experience -- perhaps breaking the tradition of California Cuisine was the right touchoff for the next 10 years... new traditions, new places and new journeys to take together.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:23 AM | Comments (5)

March 3, 2005

The Microsoft Diet

I'll tell you what, I don't understand how anyone who works for this company on campus weekly has any sort of health whatsoever. There is food everywhere and it isn't trail mix and water. Soda is free all day long, popcorn (the really bad kind), ice cream, Starbucks... I haven't succumbed to that tempation (okay, once I did) but the catered food is equally dangerous and since I'm in conference the only choice. Last night for dinner our choice was pizza... and beer. I had one of each.

The alarm went off at 5am for practice. I seriously considered bailing out. Frankly 6am is just WAY too freaking early for practice. My body was in a state of rebellion (or perhaps it was just my brain)... but I did eventually convince myself to get up and go. Practice started out so-so... I was very cold after getting to my car from the hotel room, getting to the studio (I don't think the heater kicked in until 3/4 of the way there). JumpsThruSomeday (who is jumping through as far as I can tell all the time now :>) came and put her mat next to me so that was cool... For some reason, I never got into my groove and broke that good sweat. What I did discover today is that I'm extremely texture oriented. Balancing poses today were hard... the floor was too slippery so I used my mat... which is too thick. God I'm a complaining yogi. I didn't even attempt to roll in Garbha Pindasana because on my first downward movement, my backbone was already in pain. I also find it interesting just how different teachers approach things. I was fortunate that David did adjust me -- which sometimes as a visitor, doesn't happen. When it came time for dropbacks (which the pizza made a bit painful) David helped me but he does it entirely differently than we do it in Encinitas. First, he had me attempt to dropback twice... hands straight over head to begin. I am not sure whether I like this... it sorta made me feel less stable but at the same time more protected. David also seems to not really be holding you as much (which I like)... and he puts his hand on the middle of your back which was good to remind you to keep your chest lifted whereas I usually get a lot of pressure on my thighs to remind me to engage them. The dropbacks were three halfway down and then a final dropback...what I discovered with David (which Kiran has told me before) was that the dropback without much help... gets you coming back up a lot easier... if you just touch down and use the momentum to come back up right away. I'm still processing the experience of the dropbacks... In choosing dropbacks, I had to drop headstand which was fine for me because I'm sure the pizza wouldn't have leant itself to that either...

I'm now back on campus and leaving this afternoon for home. Tomorrow is my 10 year anniversary... I can't believe it.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:58 AM | Comments (8)

March 2, 2005

Beer Belly

Yesterday was the second day of the developer conference I'm attending. I felt great that I had gotten up and practiced but last night was the "party" for the conference attendees and I knew it was important to go. A few of the team members for the product we are up here for have been trying to sell me on their team and Seattle in general... I'd do it in a heartbeat if there was actually surf in Seattle but there isn't and so MS is a distant possibility. The party was at a brewery so I had a few beers... first time in a LONG time I've had a beer let alone a few and I definitely feel the dehydration this morning. I also always forget that you can smoke in bars here in Seattle -- horrid.

When I came into conference this morning and started downloading my email I had all these emails regarding Ashtangi.NET -- submitted links but also offers of help. Wonderful. After the 6th or 7th one I knew something had changed that so many people found it -- I finally discovered that Ashtangi.NET was featured in the March Ashtanga.Com newsletter... how wonderful. I'm really stoked about that and I really hope the site grows. An actual web developer has offered help which might make things a lot easier to accomplish given that web development is only a side entertainment rather than a profession for me.

Tomorrow I hope to practice -- though there is a pizza and beer party tonight as well... I'm pretty sure this one I can bail out of.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:03 AM | Comments (1)

March 1, 2005

Stretching In Seattle

The alarm went off at 5:15 this morning.... a lot earlier than I ever get up. The thought crossed my mind "Heck, I'm just going to stay in bed, it's way too early!" but I knew that I probably won't get to practice tomorrow so I hauled myself out of bed and in the car I went. I got to the studio in 15 minutes or so... went upstairs and found the room. When I got there two people were already practicing soI put my mat down, sorta unsure what to do... After a few minutes when no one said anything and David apparently not there, I just started... halfway into sun salutations David came... I went and introduced myself and went back to practicing. It's funny how the smallest things you get "used" to in your own practice, in your own studio, in your own space. The floor at the studio here is like a sort of tile, but shiny... When I started Utthita Hasta Padagustasana, David came over to help, I had stepped off my mat and instantly felt the difference in the texture of the floor in the arch of my foot. I liked how he did this adjustment, he helped lift the leg at the first part, let me go to the side then helped me again on the last part. Tim usually helps on the last part only getting your leg all the way up. I also realized how much harder or, rather, tighter my hamstrings are for this pose without doing Hanumanasana first. So, I'm going along, David did some nice reminders that I don't often get... having me bind hand to wrist in Janu Shirasanas at the middle of my foot instead of letting my hands slide to the bottom... so I'm moving along and get to Garbha Pindasana... now, for the past couple weeks (since whenever I blogged that I did it all the way around by myself), I've been able to roll on my own without issue; however, I freaked out over the tile floor. I tried putting my towel down but that just pushed me over.. David saw me fluttering and came to help OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!! I would be in a world of hurt if I had to roll my boney ass back on hard tile all the time, of course, I guess I'd have to find a way to roll that it didn't hurt so badly. I skipped handstands today (wrong order clearly in my description here) because I was trying to save time -- worried about the traffic and getting back here to Microsoft on time. So I'm moving into the rest of the practice when BOOM the string on my Ashtanga Yoga Center tank top breaks off! Now, this is the second shirt I've had snap at the straps in a few weeks -- what is the deal with that? So I call David over, feeling like a complete idiot and ask for a safety pin. He asks the whole class if anyone has a safety pin then leaves to try and find one... while he's gone a girl remembers she has one and fixes me up. He comes back with a new shirt. I was pretty embarrassed but went back to my practice. When I finished pasasana, I started backbends. I didn't see the two people who started before me doing dropbacks like we do at Tim's so I wasn't sure if they did them here. I saw him helping one girl with dropbacks but it looked like she was learning to drop back rather than doing the usual dropbacks we do. So I skipped them...then realized it put my out of synch and forgot to forward bend after. I finished up and got out of there at 7:30, got back to the hotel at 8, took a quick shower and got here to Microsoft just in time.

I probably won't get to practice tomorrow and I missed JumpsThruSomedays phone call last night then accidentally deleted her cell phone. Hopefully Thursday, one more practice with David.

Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:07 AM