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February 28, 2005
Sleepless In Seattle
Well not really sleepless but likely given the fact that I'm in a hotel room and I just chowed down on two Whole Foods chocolate chip cookies (what was I thinking?). I got up here to Seattle last night...just in time for the brilliant weather they've been having to turn into rain. I swear I am not meant to see the sun all winter. I was going to attempt to get up for practice this morning but as I drove out here I realized if there was any traffic I wouldn't make it back for my 8:30 start time... The first day of my conference was good... work.. Microsoft stuff... tonight I found a Whole Foods and bought some good Indian food (and the chocolate chip cookies)....
When I left The Daughter was sick and tonight's phone call home left me feeling horribly guilty -- now she's feverish and sick... I feel horrible being away from her... I've entertained the idea of coming home. I know The Husband can handle this that it is just me feeling guilty but it's my little girl. It sucks....
Hoping to get up at 5am tomorrow and make to Seattle yoga by 6... will probably have to pack my practice into 1.5 hours at the most and dash back here for a quick shower... if I can digest these damned cookies.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:34 PM | Comments (1)
February 25, 2005
6:07 am
I got up this morning at 6:07, got all ready for practice and realized it was only 6:20. As I stood in the kitchen, I eyed the jacuzzi in our backyard and decided what the hell. Threw off the clothes, grabbed a towel, opened it halfway up and slipped in... it wasn't until I was in that I realized I usually go in there at night when naked or not, the neighbors can't see in the water... so I sat in there trying to cover myself (our houses are that close together) for about 10 minutes... I felt pretty good when I got out but I don't think it was quite enough to undo the extreme overwork of my muscles and the bruising on my ass and knees from snowboarding. My practice was okay... sorta weak but no less flexibility than normal. Sun Salutations were a bit painful for my biceps (what little I have of them). During one my downward dogs the assistant came over and tried to get me to turn my elbows... I fought it... the way she was turning it I've had people attempt to do to me before and it, frankly, hurts... I looked up and told her that my arms hyperextend and she said "I know" and then tried to turn my upper arms internally... which is fine but downward dogs feel much better if I bend at the elbows just slightly which prohibits me from really doing much internal rotation... it's a choice, I either rotate the arms or I bend the elbows, it's very hard to do both. Anyway, I got wierd vibe from her and I'm not sure if she thought I was being difficult or what but I knew that adjustment and I don't like it at all. Tim told me in Tulum that it was fine to do it that way I've been doing it so I'm going to stick with that. Someday I'll have to take a picture of my arms for you all to see in downward dog... I wonder if someone in Tulum took one when I was demonstrating the downward dog with hyperextended elbows pose :) I was a little worred with I got to Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana because my knees are horrendously bruised up but after a few breaths, they seemed fine. Baddha K was surprisingly better today... Tim even adjusted me chin to floor and I wasn't squirming in pain -- maybe the days off helped that? I did pasasana twice today... the first time balancing without anything under my heels... can't get the heels down so I have to balance on the balls of my feet... I can get bound, twisted and hold it five breaths but it is tentative. After doing it that way, I rolled my mat a few times and put my heels on top... this felt awesome and I was a lot more stable (duh)... I think I'm going to continue to do it twice, once with and once without until I can get my heels down further doing it without. Backbends were really hard. On one of my falls down the mountain, I really twisted my back, bringing the board all the way around... on my 5th backbend Tim came over to help me up... It was HARD. He made a comment and I told him that my back hurt from too many snowboard falls... He said "Ah, I tried that and found that it was easy to turn one direction and everytime I'd turn the other direction, I'd fall." That is EXACTLY how my experience was. I could turn right just fine, felt good (I'm goofy so this was my back edge)... but everytime I'd turn left (front edge), I just couldn't get the drift. After awhile I got it but I'd get going left and was unable to throw my back leg out and get the right turn going again. I guess, with everything, practice and it will come.
Tonight is The Son's 7th birthday party... we're having 6 kids over for a sleepover. A magician is coming, we're ordering pizza. It should be fun, I hope... I've never done a sleepover before.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:57 AM | Comments (1)
February 24, 2005
Reality Rush
So, it's back to reality today... Work, work and work. Sometimes I hate that I have to work. Sometimes I wish I was one of those wives who did just stay home all day with the kids. I think I'd be happier actually. I think I'm tired of working. I also realize it isn't fair to ask The Husband to go and get a job where he's gone most of life so that I don't have to work and that the majority of us wish we didn't have to work.
Today's reality checks include:
-- The realization that our taxes are right and we are going to owe thousands of dollars in taxes this year. What shitty damn timing.
-- The Son's 7th birthday party tomorrow -- two birthday parties in two weeks can interrupt the checkbook much more than you might think.
-- Sunday I leave for Seattle... I have no idea what I'm getting myself into either by being gone all week or the conference I'm going to.
-- Next Friday I will have been married for 10 years. Holy shit I don't feel that old or like I've even come close to figuring out this marriage thing. The Husband is super hard to buy for and he asked me not to get him anything... but I did. I got him this beautiful pen... of course I got so excited when it came and I saw that the manufacturer doesn't allow the dealers to advertise discounts and it came at a huge discount that I got so excited I said "... and the pen I got you..." Big Fat OOPS!
-- My legs are still so sore, walking is painful... I wonder how practice will be tomorrow.
-- We have to sign The Daughter up for preschool by Monday. This requires additional thousands of dollars which we don't have.
-- I took on a moonlighting project today... I need to make thousands of dollars to pay for above said reality checks... moonlighting project will keep me so busy I won't be able to see straight til the end of March. Am I crazy? It will probably pay for at least half.
-- I've gotten myself completely booked up for New York. It will rock but probably be a tiring trip :)
-- I have to take my kids to Disneyland in two weeks... is it really the happiest place on earth? I'm just not so sure.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:08 PM | Comments (3)
February 23, 2005
My Poor Knees
I realize I made my last post appear that I'd been to the mountains and back but, in truth, I literally just got home about 30 minutes ago. I didn't want to make it look like my house was standing there all empty or anything ;)
Yesterday with my mom up with us, The Husband and I went snowboarding together. Okay wait... first we took The Son up but he didn't enjoy it much and I think we should have done a lesson rather than have The Husband help him. After we took him back to the room, The Husband and I went up together. I've only boarded a few times so I really needed to figure it out... after the first couple runs on mostly greens I felt pretty good. I fell some but I could feel how to do it and was having fun. So The Husband decides I'm good enough to try some different runs, we take a lift up, board across some blues down to another lift which we then take up, up, up , up and I'm going "Uh, how far up are we going" -- having looked at the trail map, I know that the runs at the top are all blacks. We get off the lift (well, he got off the lift, technically I stumbled, fell and picked myself up off the lift) and The Husband realized that he had taken the wrong chair and we weren't anywhere near where we were supposed to be to get back to the other side of the mountain where our hotel was (we stay at a ski-in/ski-out place literally steps away from a lift). So, he figures out where we're going and we get on another lift that goes up, up, up and further up than I'd been yet. As I watched the sky darken and the lift go higher I got freaked a bit. We get off (this time I actually sorta get off right) and we are a bit unsure of where to go and are following signs for blue diamond runs that say they'll take us where we need to go when we realize that we've somehow ventured off a real run and are somewhere in a tree line. I'm getting really frustrated, I can't get down the mountain because there is so much powder I can't figure out how to get through it... it's starting to darken and I can't see past where The Husband is in front of me... my bindings were all tweaked and I was having a hard time with them... I felt lost and scared. We got in a bit of a tiff... The Husband doesn't know how to react to me when I need emotional support, when I'm not the rock I usually am... he told me just to get up and get down the mountain and I'm freaking out.... in the end, we ended up taking off the boards and walking (or sinking, rather) through waist high snow to find the real run where there were actually people. Once we got past that, it was quite fun and lower down the mountain the snow wasn't so bad. Once we got back to the side of the mountain we needed to be on, I went on a couple more runs and by the last one, I only fell twice on the way down and even looked something like I was snowboarding :) All in all, it was quite fun but... my knees... oh my knees. First of all, snowboarding gives your knees a beating anyway but learning to snowboard!!! My right knee is literally black -- there is no blue amongst it. They are so sore (as is, quite frankly, the rest of my body especially my quads)... I, unfortunately, will not get to practice tomorrow as I have The Daughter all morning and a conference call at 11am but, hopefully, this is a good thing giving my body some time to recover before practice Friday morning.
When I got home tonight, my Surya Namaskara pamphlet was in the mail... I can't wait to read it.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:42 PM | Comments (2)
February 21, 2005
Small Yoga World
So I didn't practice for a few days choosing to take my family to the snow (Mammoth) instead. The drive up was scary as hell, it was pouring down rain and horrible conditions. Just past Lake Elsinore it got so bad that I was scared... driving in the middle lane, a car flew past me on the left when it began to hydroplane and lost control, spun out, rammed head on into the center divide then ricocheted back straight towards me... I couldn't move right as there was a car there so I just prayed... the car missed me by a matter of inches. It's funny how your body responds to those situations -- my legs tightened up, my arms started shaking and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was scared shitless essentially. Once we got to the mountains though things rocked. It snowed and snowed and we made snowmen, played in the snow, went down hills with sleds... it was great. In fact, I'll upload some pictures tomorrow when I'm recovered. 3 days in I really needed to practice. I usually practice at this studio down the street from the hotel but they've axed all their ashtanga and do mostly anusara now. I went down to the very, very small "workout room" (very small) and moved some mat out of the way, put my own mat down in front of the treadmills (there was just enough space for my arms to reach my sides with treadmills on one side, window on the other) and started to practice. I couldn't figure out how things were so great at the start -- I mean it's freezing and the workout room's windows let in a lot of cold air not to mention the door opening and closing with people going in and out to the pool. I was so stretchy and strong and I finally figured it out -- I had taken the kids into the pool/jacuzzi just before. So, I'm having this great practice, put the iPod on for the standing poses while two teenage boys were on the treadmills, took it off for seated postures since they left. I was about to Marichyasanas when this woman walks in and does a double take at me... turns out she's from Tim's!!! What a small world. Here I am in this tiny tiny little hotel workout room a few hundred miles from home and in walks someone I practice with in Encinitas. Funnily enough I had just met her the day before we left for Mammoth via my friend Kiran (Kiran, the other H). After we chatted for a bit, I finished my practice and ended the practice just as well as I had started... in fact, with pasasana, I was bound almost to wrist by myself and twisted... it felt the most stable I've ever done it on my own. Maybe I need to sit in a jacuzzi before every practice ;) Half of me felt like a complete fool for practicing so "publically" and someone from the shala catching me but I really needed to practice and it was the only place I could find... the other half of me felt good that I had the drive to do it against all odds.
The coming month is going to be C R A Z Y.... I just found out I'm going to Seattle for a training with Microsoft (not sure if I'll be able to practice with OneCrookedFella and JumpsThruSomeday since my classes start at 9am and I'll be over the river but HOPEFULLY).. then I got to New York...then Patabhi Jois. CRAZY.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:50 PM | Comments (2)
February 17, 2005
Scatterbrain Sucky Practice
Today my body just hurt... okay, I own up, it could be the fact that the, ahem, candy fairy visited our house on Monday (aka Valentine's Day aka Give Kids Candy Day) and in her mad dash to elminate the candy without being seen she threw it all in my mat bag which I was cleaning out yesterday and then came upon said candy to which I thought "Well, I feel horribly grumpy and frumpy and I'll just have one piece" and then ended up having like 5 plus a handful of Trader Joe's chocolate cat cookies. Bad Lady!!!! Starting practice was painful enough but I went with it anyway... my knees and hips are killing me. Strangely enough my left knee hurts after practice but during feels good, my right knee hurts during practice and after is fine. Go figure. So I got to seated postures and I got all confused. The two people next to me were both doing second series but they went into first series and I was just sorta going along when I realized that I had been sorta keeping pace with them and forgot to do Garbha Pindasana and Baddha K and they were clearly doing part of first series before moving off to second. Since I was already to Setu B, I figured, screw it, I'm hurting enough as it is, I'll just forget them back there in the dust. I started backbends and quickly decided I would do my six but there would be no dropbacks today... I could barely do straight armed backbends. Bummer. Finishing postures were even worse... the "car accident" spot on my back was tightening up, I couldn't keep my breath steady and I was mentally just a mess. Maybe this whole thing really is just emotional and stress related.
We have an annual family trip to Mammoth every year but we canceled it this year due to financial concerns... as it turns out the neighbor's we rent a condo from were so compassionate about my situation that they gave us their condo for free for a week. We are really stoked to be going though it is humbling to take them up on it. I usually practice yoga while I'm up there but I'm vascillating between giving myself the week off to maybe heal up these various aches I've got going on or just work through them. The place that I usually take classes at apparently did away with all but one ashtanga class and I won't be there the day they offer that one class. I'll probably bring my mat and go with my gut instinct.
Tomorrow my baby boy turns seven. I think I have a lot of emotional stuff cresting with that... funny how my kid's birthdays always throw me for a loop. They age as I'm aging... brings your own lifespan into context.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:32 PM
February 15, 2005
Where Did My Blog Go?
Tonight I was thinking about something someone I know said to me about my blog. This blog used to be more about my feelings when I sat down than the physical practice of yoga. I sometimes wonder what happened to that blog? Sometimes I feel like all I write about is what I'm doing with my asana practice and I forget to write about all the million other things going on in my brain (I'm sure some of you readers would disagree with that but, whatever, it's my blog ;>). It's not that there is anything of any real consequence to anyone other than myself just that I used to keep this journal and print out every month to give to my kids when they are older and anymore all they are gonna know about me is that I did a whole heck of a lot of talking about yoga (which, in truth they already know).
Today I saw my friend that is dealing with cancer. We talked a bit about everything and I'm consistently amazed at her courage and dedication. She's truly an inspirational human being. Tonight I was thinking about our conversation and I had this revelation of why I like her so much... I never ever get the impression from her that she's being anything other than herself. Why the revelation? How many people do you meet that you can honestly, without doubt, say your gut instinct to everything they say or do is that they are just being themselves with no masks, no bullshit, no screens, no smoke & mirrors. I know I live in Stepford-ville but, essentially, I don't personally know a whole heck of a lot of people that seem so, well, themselves. I think this is one of the reasons why she is such an inspiration -- not only has this disease not killed her physically, not slowed her practice of asana down much at all (says girl who can't do half the shit physically she can do when at 110% of my ball game -- and, yes, it isn't competition but I can own up to watching my friend or watching TaraIsAGoddess who has the most amazing bandhas in my entire small world and thinking DAMN, maybe *one* day?) but this disease hasn't taken one ounce of her spirit and her self-realization. I think that's pretty amazing for a person with 100% of their health... and even more amazing from someone dealing with everything she's going through physically and emotionally.
How was that for just one big blurb of my thought process? If you look through my blog, occasionally I just sit and write whatever thought process comes out... I don't edit, don't reread and think about what's going to come out... I can type as fast as I think mostly (I used to be a leasing secretary -- think big ass huge long lawyer produced real estate contracts -- i.e., the lawyers said the words into a tape and I reproduced them into the computer... they thought it was magic) so it really is just one big train of thought. I think those are the posts I like the most... and I think the ones my kids will most get to see me through (if I ever do actually give these to them).
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:09 PM | Comments (1)
Rolling Rolling Rolling
I went to bed last night after a good long cry. Frankly, I don't get as riled up about money as my husband... I figure, eventually, it will all work out even if it means going in debt for awhile. I felt so burdened with his stress that I was beginning to feel horribly guilty for wanting this surgical option when the truth is, probably any of the surgical options will end up costing us something... maybe not as much as this one, but something. More to the point for me was I feel a lack of emotional support from my husband... it's one thing to talk to me about finances but it might be a good idea if he kept in mind that I'm a woman choosing to remove my breasts from my body and as well prepared as I think I am mentally for this, somewhere, there's a little girl crying inside who just wants her mommy. In many ways this is a great example of our relationship -- I'm much more in tune with all things emotional and it isn't often that I feel I get much support in that direction at home. It's truly a sad thing but also something I must accept as part of my life journey.
So I got up for yoga this morning feeling just so-so... and beginning to be worried. For the past week or so my body has just been feeling more and more achey, things are starting to hurt me. For awhile it was just my hip in Mari C... now the hip pain is happening in other poses too. For the past two days my left knee has felt sore and tender which scares the hell out of me and by the time I arrived for class this morning, my left wrist was in pain (I've had wrist issues before but usually they were with my right wrist and I haven't felt them in a long time). Are these good pains -- pains that mean my body is changing and working out it's stuff? Or am I dangerously close to injury and should I back off? How does one know the difference?
Practice itself was pretty decent. The only real notable note is that I actually rolled around in a circle all by myself today in Garbha Pindasana. By the end my spine was raw and hurt (I have a *really* boney back) but I did it... to do it I had to uncurl a little bit, not put my arms through so deep and not round as much. I did fall over one time but was able to right myself with my arms not as far through and finish going in my circle. I was very proud of this accomplishment because it is literally the first time in 3 years of practice that I've been able to roll all the way around without help and with my arms through. I got a nice resistance assist with Baddha K so that I could get my head/chest down after. I also got a nice adjustment in decreasing the space between armpit and knee in Mari D. The twist is not hard for me but the space is there because if I go into it all the way on my own, I can't get my arm/hand up and over the shin of my bent leg in order to catch it. If I loosed up a bit, then I can get my arm/hand over the shin. It's actually sorta funny.
After practice I had a nice long Chai break with a friend. I really needed the emotional pick-me-up. I know I need to have my friends to lean on during this time ... only, as you long time readers know, I don't have very many girlfriends... it's the whole girl thing... I don't know, I just don't fit in well. :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:48 PM | Comments (5)
February 14, 2005
Panic Attack
Not really a panic attack but probably the closest I've ever felt to one. I'm not one to get real riled up and when I get upset, I generally implode internally, become very distant and do my own thang. Today has just been a horrendously bad news day when it comes to finances. For the first time since we've been married, we suddenly owe thousands of dollars in taxes. Neither of us understands why, we haven't changed anything in our deductions nor have we changed anything about our real estate or other interests in the past year. It makes no sense but I've done it a bazillion times -- we aren't eligible for the child tax credit, we made too much to expense the home office we built last year (which makes no sense to me actually), we basically get no deductions. We are debating going to a CPA or something but, realistically, could they really help us or will we spend $400 only to have the same tax bill we have with me using the online program? On top of our tax revelation, we got the bill for The Daughter's preschool for next year -- before you go thinking this is a menial thing, it is actually more than the taxes. On top of that we have our property taxes due and now all this surgery stuff on top of it (did I mention that I have a consultation scheduled now and I will be going to New York next month?). Half of me thinks I'm being horribly selfish to ask for this New York surgery... but, man, this IS the option for me. It is the option with the least lifelong effect on my body and I want this surgery... am I willing to put my family into debt over it? *SOB* I think I am. It is causing a lot of stress all around. Now I'm feeling horribly guilty for paying for Pattabhi Jois today... I probably shouldn't go but we all know this is likely my only chance in this lifetime to practice with Guruji -- how selfish am I?
Yes, total pity post... I deserve it every now and again. I'm on my second glass of wine -- first time in months.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:40 PM
Good Morning
What a great way to start a day... I never thought I'd see the day when I actually looked forward to getting up at 6am! I got up at 6, made some green tea, brushed my teeth, changed into yoga clothes, grabbed my cup and hit the road. I had a fairly good practice but heavier than normal. I've decided that I'm going to try not eating meat for 2 weeks just to see what happens. The Husband is on board and we both are burnt out on meat itself. I've been researching and researching information on hypothyroidism about what could actually be helpful to supplement with so I have a big slew of things I can try taking in the interim and see what happens. If I had some extra money, I would try doing some alternatives again and see if they help at this point in my life journey. Sadly, money is an issue right now -- taxes have hit us HARD, we have no idea how we ended up owing so much money... in fact, we've never had to pay so much before. I got my consultation with the doctors in New York so I'll be flying to NYC on March 14... that takes money too. Not to mention two birthday parties in two weeks plus the promised trip to Disneyland and Pattabhi Jois coming. I need a second job I think!
My hip has been getting worse and worse... I read something really interesting this morning when I was doing thyroid research -- the medication, levoxyl (synthetic T4) is known to cause "hip" pain... basically because there is some degree of speculation that long term thyroid replacement leads to osteoperosis... lovely. Baddha K is now pretty painful, although today I was able to get my head down by moving up and down over my hips first. Mari C was surprisingly nice today... but backbends felt like dead weight. I've been doing pasasana without anything under my heels. I can't get my feet flat but I can get bound, twisted and stay there for 5 breaths, balancing. I wonder if it is better to put something under your heels so that they are flatter, or do without and eventually they'll move down?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:51 AM
February 13, 2005
A Day Of Rest
Well finally health seems to have been restored in my household. The Daughter's fever finally broke and, aside from some sniffling, seems fine. The Husband's stomach bout from hell has subsided and The Son's lowered immunity seems to have weathered the storm with large amounts of GSE. I am feeling relatively fine... knocking on wood. I had planned practice this morning... I am pretty good on one night of sleeplessness, I'm eh-okay on two nights of sleeplessness but three nights pretty much does me in (if you read through my blog you'll find a time when I was only sleeping about 2 hours maximum a night, for MONTHS... I can't IMAGINE how I did that for so long, well, yes, I can... very poorly). So after a nighttime of hot little feet burrowing their way into my jammies, arms slung over my face, mumblings about Snoopy, I gave up this morning and decided it would be a day of rest. I think I actually did pretty good practicing 3x last week in the face of my family's individual illnesses... Sadly, I had been hoping to bring back that 6 day a week practice from Tulum... a reminder in non-attachment and reality! :)
The coming week contains my son's 7th birthday and my daughter's 4th birthday party (her actual birthday is the following week), Valentine's parties, conference calls, doctor appointment, school holiday... and hopefully regular yoga!
Last night we watched the movie Donnie Darko -- what a trippy movie... anyone seen it?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:08 PM | Comments (2)
February 12, 2005
House of Pain
It hasn't gotten much better.. in fact, by all accounts, it has gotten worse. It's one thing to parent a sick child with your partner and quite another to parent a sick child with your partner down for the count (stomach "flu") in the other room. Yes, my friends, I am the only healthy person in my family and, Goddess bless, I will stay this way. Until this afternoon, everytime the Motrin wore off, The Daughter's fever would spike, she would become delirious and it was heart wrenching... then The Husband started... OMG what a night. I woke up this morning really needing a yoga class but knowing there was no way I could make it to the shala. I went to the ashtanga class at the health club unsure of what it would end up being like. The first thing I noticed was that I didn't know hardly anyone in the class. After practicing there for the past two years, I pretty much knew everyone in the classes on some level but this morning I only knew maybe 1/4 of the people in the room and the room was packed. Practice was pretty good... again, I'm just not into led classes anymore but it was pretty fun. We did a lot of second series poses actually and a couple third (including Mari F - I think, twisting? yes, E would be bending forward, F is twisting, I really like those). Surprisingly for how little sleep I've had and how much stress I had a nice practice. We spent a lot of time walking through poses much more slowly than I'm used to -- in some ways this is very hard for me and, in others, nice to take some time. I'm iffy on if I like it or not. I can't think of all the poses we did and I'm too tired and lazy to get a book and look them all up but definitely glad I got time on the mat.
It's pouring out, my family is sick and I'm feeling a longing to be back on the beach in Tulum. Someone I ran into today told me that I look remarkably different -- more grounded, free, open.... funny but I actually feel that way. I've been more patient with my family, especially my husband. I feel like I've gained some sort of perspective though on what or via what I'm not sure. I feel a sense of happiness and non-attachment. Though I do wish the sun would start shining once again -- what is with this weather, am I really in Southern California?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:20 PM
February 11, 2005
Delirium
I am so happy I pushed myself to practice yesterday for there is now way practice is happening for me today. I am actually seriously bummed. After coming home from Tulum, I finally convinced my husband to take a "real" ashtanga class with me. My mom was taking the kids tonight and we were going to do the first series class at the club... Alas, those dreams were excavated yesterday. The Daughter had a very high temperature and though I wouldn't normally give her medication during the day, she was moaning and sobbing and hysterical in the afternoon from pain wracking her body. Motrin'd up, she watched TV all afternoon and then evening hit. Motrin had worn off and her fever soared. She was delirious... in fact, I'm not sure at points if she knew who I was. I'm very conservative with giving fever reducing medication but she clearly needed assistance to calm down and the thermometer read higher than I'm comfortable with. Only she wouldn't take the medicine. We tried red Tylenol (after calling our neighbor the pharmacist who said we should alternate Ibuprofen and Tylenol), she held it in her mouth, refusing to swallow, gagging to puking. Then we tried another method with an even more projectile reaction. Finally after a sponge bath and hair washing, I convinced her to take the medicine "for mommy" -- I'm still not quite sure how I accomplished that but we promised a sip of juice after and she finally relented. Some Tylenol in her system, she finally fell asleep draped over my body and we spent an in and out feverish evening (I'm convinced that Tylenol doesn't work well). A few times she woke up with this disturbingly removed look in her eyes -- they were vacant, staring past me almost, as if she didn't know me. I screamed for The Husband it scared me so badly and he assured me that with that high a fever, delirious is what she was. She finally slept a bit, laying across me, her NeoPet and two Teletubbies tucked in with her... I, of course, didn't sleep at all. At 1am she decided she wanted to chat it up with me... not sure if that was more delirium or if she just woke up... and I convinced her to let me give her some Motrin (followed by a shot of juice again) as I was afraid of the raging fever/delirium to come back. This morning she seems a lot better but who knows if the Motrin has worn off yet.... Regardless, today will be an exercise in yoga ... one of those days when parenting shows you were your soul is. You, as the parent, are so tired, your eyes are barely open, your head hurts, you're convinced the spitting into you mouth the day before will produce your own symptoms any moment, you just want to cry (and sometimes do) and you have to hold it together for this little body who needs you more than you need yourself. It's an edge... one you can't walk away from, can't come down from and say "Oh well, with practice it's coming." (did I mention that I can finally hold Bakasana now? I can't jump back from it but I can hold it a full 3-5 breaths now).
If you haven't checked recently, more pictures have been added to the Tulum galleries.
In other news, I have found the surgical option that I think is best for me. It's sorta freaky and I'm squeamish to say it but... there is no muscle movement/expansion involved, no secondary surgery to harvest tissue from a donor site (i.e., removing tissue from butt or ab to create a breast)... instead they use Alloderm -- essentially cadaver tissue. Using the Alloderm, they create a pocket for the implant and eventually your body integrates with the Alloderm as if it is your own, well, making it your own. The downside is this surgery is only currently performed by two sets of doctors, the pioneering ones in New York and another set in DC. The upside is, it looks like my insurance will pay for the hospital and breast surgeon in network and only the plastic surgeon will be out of network. I'm very excited about this option and am hoping that the team of doctors will agree to consult with me and take me on as a patient... it could be the answer I've been looking for.
My Goddess I'm tired.. and I still have my real job to do.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:33 AM
February 10, 2005
Where Are My Legs?
When it rains it pours... The Daughter was up all night with a fever. For those of you without kids, this means, a hot sweaty child laying on your body, kicking, rubbing, twitching because they are so uncomfortable :( and it translates into no sleep for mommy. Then I debate with myself all night -- is using Motrin worth it? If I let the fever go, it's the body's natural way to kill whatever has invaded her body. If I use Motrin, I'll sleep. Sleep vs. Health, rationalizations last until about 4am and then I caved in. Having already missed practice via one sick child this week I knew I couldn't miss another so I went this morning even though I was beyond tired and tight from it. Waiting outside, I was surprised to see a Tulum face appear from around the corner (and she got Pashasana today -- Congratulations to you!). I had a surprisingly regular practice for how tired I was and how painful the first couple sun salutations were. Baddha K is doing me in now though... for a pose that used to be a piece of cake for me, it now is excruciating and though I can still get my head to the ground, it takes me a considerable period of time and flinching to get there. I don't know what happened but I wonder if it is the same hip thing I have in Mari C just manifesting all over my practice now. Bummer dude. Today I managed to get bound in pashasana all by myself, hand to hand, and twisted looking back. My heels weren't down and it was definitely tentative but I didn't put anything under my heels and I did hold it for 5 breaths before falling out of it :) I'm apparently still not using my legs in my backbends... its funny because I just can't feel it at all. Perhaps it is a mental block... I feel further away from standing up now than I did 6 months ago. Mhmmm... I have spent the last two practices really focusing on my throat chakra... making sure to look up when I should be, focusing more on fighting through the discomfort and need to right my head than the posture (like utkatasana and warriors).
I've kinda been in a downward spiral since Tulum. Reintegrating life hasn't been so easy for me. Family life is fine but I just don't want to work anymore. Can't someone pay me to do something I like? Heck I don't even need to make as much money as I do now (and I've already taken a 50% paycut).. just enough to pay for the kid's activities and school and, of course, my books which I can't seem to give up. Where's the Star Trek vision?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:40 AM | Comments (2)
February 9, 2005
CHOCOLATE!
I completely forgot to talk about the chocolate in Maya Tulum... Here's the whole truth, but dark secret... I talk a really good talk and all but one staple of my kitchen is the bar (or two for backup) of really good dark chocolate. Currently in that staple I have our "everyday" chocolate -- Trader Joes Organic dark truffle bars and these wierd little Truffles The Husband found there that are like the most amazing little things -- I tend not to keep around the *really* good dark chocolate like
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:40 PM
| Comments (1)
Back to Reality
Last night The Son went to bed coughing which meant a night of being up, up and up again. I still had the alarm clock set but realized it was futile about an hour before 6am. Instead I got up at 7 and figured I'd just do the noon class... only my nanny is sick again today (well, she actually came in but she looked like hell and she had been throwing up Monday, anyone with kid's knows that I will do anything to prevent throwing up in my own kids)... with a sick nanny, no practice (though I'm thinking of maybe throwing my mat down here eventually today). It also means little work, lots of stress and a general feeling of panic. Ah, the blessings of reality.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:27 AM
February 7, 2005
Back to the Grind
Seven days of yoga on the edge of the world has left me feeling much like I hate my job. I am happy to be home and with my family but I was not at all motivated to sit down to the 956 emails in my inbox, deal with the fires at work or, frankly, deal with the regular monologue of my inbox. All part of the yoga, practicing non-attachment even to the requirements of daily living I suppose.
Maya Tulum was simply splendid. I'm sure I won't remember even half of the things I'd like to say and I'm not sure I'm ready to share even half the thoughts that have managed to find their way into my consciousness over the past 7 days. So this post will be pure train of thought and we'll see what comes out....
I left very early Saturday morning and my flights there were fairly decent. The Cancun airport was, well, frankly, amazing. The line to get through the first stage of immigration was 2 hours long. It was quite a sight to see and many people in the line were visible upset but, you know, in a situation like that, what can you do but smile and wait it out. I wasn't the only yogi stuck in line and a group of us managed to make it to the hotel at about 8:30ish or so. The basic gist of my days in Tulum were to wake at 6am, throw on my yoga clothes, grab a tea bag and head to the dining room for a cup of tea pre-practice. At 7 we started our practice (led primary the first two days, two days of Mysore, an Improv class and more led primary). At 9 we broke for breakfast. At 10:30 we congregated in the yoga room again for a morning of asana practice -- demonstrating them, learning adjustments, alignment, practicing on one another. At 1:30ish we broke for lunch and a few hours to ourselves. We reconvened at 5pm for mostly philosophy, kirtan, pranayama instruction and, on the last two days, being woefully behind, more asana. At 7 we broke for dinner and most of us were under the mosquito netting by 10.
From a physical perspective, my first two practices were okay. I'm quite confident that I've lost the taste for led classes... my breath feels off, it moves too fast, the meditational quality of the practice seems to dissipate. The two days of Mysore were great... I loved doing my own practice and the opportunity to try pasasana a couple times. The improv class was simply painful for me. Lots and lots of arm balances. I tend to not like improv classes much -- all the looking up to see what the next pose is, attempts to get into poses, etc. I never feel grounded in an improv practice or complete. Towards the end of the week, after all the soy consumption (basically every single meal had large quantities of soy in it), my thyroid was beginning to severely nose dive (and it hasn't recovered yet) and Friday morning's practice was simply an exercise in watching the clock... painful, lethargic, felt like a first month practitioner... horrible to watch I'm sure.
The morning asana classes were fun -- here I finally got to ask the questions I've always wanted to know -- do you turn your elbow this way or that, feet this way or that way, etc. I think going through Sun Salutations was quite helpful because ever since my chatarungas feel better even if they don't look better. After someone asked about adjusting people with hyperextended elbows in downard dog, Tim look right at me and I got to demonstrate -- and laughed at the gasps and exclamations of "Doesn't that hurt?" :) I'm used to it and although I've never seen what it looks like myself, people tell me it looks like my arms are bending in obscene directions. I tried not to volunteer much. So many people had come from so many places and some from so long of distances to experience the practice with Tim that I felt so blessed to have him so close by and so readily available. I did volunteer but only when it looked like no one else would. I demonstrated a few things but I can't clearly remember what they were -- ardha baddha paschimottansana, closing sequence and sirsana (not by choice but because I asked if it was acceptble to go up bent legged and then Tim dared for a breakthrough that didn't happen!). I found it interesting that volunteers were more readily available after the first volunteer was counted through and it tended to take a few minutes for someone to volunteer the original demonstration.
All the asana left my shoulder tweaked out after a couple days and it hasn't recovered yet.... I've been taking ibuprofen, rubbing it with traumeel but this morning at practice it was still slightly tweaked and definitely painful to the touch. So, I was glad that the evenings were spent studying the sutras, learning pranayama and chanting... I've been wanting to practice pranayama for awhile and I think these lessons gave me the push to try it again (I used to practice vipssana meditation before The Daughter was born).
During our down time I had a couple of massages -- right after the pain in my shoulder started I had a deep tissue massage on my upper back --- it was an expeditation into pain management... I've never had a massage that hurt quite so badly even after I told the therapist that it was too much. Breathe into the pain is what I kept telling myself. I'm not sure if it made the shoulder more tender or a little better. Later in the week I had another deep tissue massage with a female therapist that was quite relaxing and theraputic. One day a group of us visited the Tulum Ruins -- it was a whirlwind trip since we didn't have much time but I am glad I saw them. One day I went into town with OneCrookedFella from the EZBoard and bought a couple small trinkets for the kids and one day a few girls and myself walked into the little side shopping area by the hotel. Other than that, beach time and sun!
One of the coolest experiences I had over the week was when we were learning the adjustments for the Marichyasana sequence. My partner and I were both pretty proficient at the pose so Ali came over and was giving us deep adjustments. In both B & D, she had us place our lotus knee perpindicular, so instead of having an angle, it was directly out in front, then bind and extend down for B, twist for D. She then gave us an adjustment and Holy Cow -- the only way to describe the feeling was to say that it felt like I had a chord from my naval to my mula bandha and that the chord had been plucked, moved and somehow vibrated. I had this feeling of intense movement for a good long time (almost 2 hours) after the experience... what verged on feeling somewhat like pain (like maybe holding your urine for a really long time or something). Immediately after my partner looked at me and said "Need a cigarette" and essentially the answer was Yes.... it was that moving... mind blowing experience. Later someone referred to it as the Mari G-Spot adjustment and I can totally see why... I was seeing stars for quite awhile. I was so relaxed and spun out after that I just wanted to sit and do nothing. I've since tried to replicate it myself but I can't quite get to the same degree of intensity.. I can do the bind but the extension on the adjustment seemed to be the trigger.
The last morning we had the Circle of Tears... it was very moving. For me, I essentially wanted to thank Tim for being such an inspirational teacher... for the past 3 years my teachers have been borne from Tim and not directly him... but via him, they have manifested so much of his teachings that I've been very very fortunate. I know how blessed I have been with Kiran and Michelle in particular and now to have the ability to practice in Encinitas regularly. In addition I had wanted to thank 3 people who had sat with me during the first few days there and listened to the story of my upcoming surgery and the endless questions and took the time to give me their perspective (one man was an oncologist) and their hearts. I held back tears... the week has shown me that my practice is in my ways what is holding me together through the ups and downs of my life and I am completely fearful of losing it altogether. I know that isn't realistic and not likely (though I will likely have to give it up for awhile) nor is it good to be attached to it but the fear is still there. I can't imagine a life without asana anymore. Listening to other people I recognized so much of my own in journey in so many of them... we are truly all made of the same soil and are just in different places of beauty on the journey. What a great feeling of oneness.
I am so glad that I had the good fortune to meet as many wonderful individuals as I did, to go to Tulum itself... the last prayer in my heart on Saturday morning was for my friend with cancer. I missed her so much during the week, seeing her smile and hearing her words. If anything the week was so much of a tribute to all she has given me over the years and especially during this journey of hers... much love to you, my friend.
I was very blessed to have the opportunity to spend some more personal time with Tim on the flight home. We just happened to get seated right next to each other. My fear of flying took over and he was kind enough to talk me through the turbulence. One of the things I asked him about (among many, many things I asked) was about the difference releases people have. One person on the retreat had this beautiful cracking open during savasana, sobs that sounded so pure and she was so clean after. I've never had that experience though I've come close a few times. Most of the time, my experiences of opening come hours later. In fact, on the first leg of my flight home, I resisted tear the entire 2 hours. Why? I don't know... I felt overwhelming gratitude. I felt such grace from my husband for giving me the space and the time to make such a trip. I felt such love and completeness at the idea of going back to my family. I felt such joy at all I had learned and, in truth, I felt a deep sadness. I think one of the other things that I arrived at in my soul this week was that my emotional opening is right in front of me but I'm not sure I'm ready to take it. The opening of my throat chakra, being able to extend the neck, something I never do in practice, I always resist it.... When we talked about personal dieties in sutra classes, I already knew what mine was... Saraswati -- for she is all about speech. I am fearful of facing this blocked center of energy... scared that if I face it, I will fall apart. I've maintained my balance so long in life by closing it down, I know this. It isn't that I don't speak, it is that I am a highly personal and internal person (which is crazy that I have this blog... therapy my friends.. it is easier to speak out to the ether than to do so in person...ah, yet another illuminating lesson) and I'm afraid of completely and totally losing it. I am my own rock... what if there isn't one under me when I crack?
Speaking of blogging -- in addition to JumpsThruSomeday and OneCrookedFella from EZBoard being on the trip, three people asked me if I was from this blog. It is slightly unnerving to be met so in public... but, for me, it is a good thing, it unnerves me and makes me be more open publically, less internal, more of the ability to share. Perhaps that is why I blog, subconsciously knowing I need the practice, the exercise.
This morning I practiced for the first time since coming back. It was joyful to go to the 7am practice and know 4 more people in the room than I did when I left. My practice was good, though a bit of a struggle towards the end when I got tired, my shoulder is still a bit tweaked and since I got home I haven't slept after 4am (the two hour time change and all I guess). Tim helped me in pasasana today... what an awesome adjustment, he can get me easily bound hand to wrist and once he does that, he twists me all the way around... I can even hold it for a couple seconds after he lets go. It feels heavenly. My backbends SUCKED today... too much in my sacrum. I'm determined to start working on them at home.
The pictures I took can be seen at:
Maya Tulum Pictures
click on the gallery with my name (I had originally set this up for people in Mysore then never finished installing it - bad lady).
Now it is time to actually work... first I must shake out the visions of spending forever on a beach practicing yoga.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:22 PM | Comments (4)