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January 28, 2005
Outta Here
Well, I'm shutting everything down.. I leave early in the morning for Maya Tulum. I'm still not 100%, have a nighttime cough but I guess this is how I'll be going... hopefully warm salt air will clear me up :) I'm cheerful in spirits and anxious to get there. See you all in a week!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:47 PM | Comments (4)
January 27, 2005
Excruciating
They say the first day back after a long absence is the best -- you're all pumped up to be there, your body says "OH YEA I like this" and then the second day is hell... today was hell. From the very first sun salutation I knew it was going to be one of those days and I also knew I just had to get through it. I had pawned my kids off on neighbors this morning, I begged and pleaded and finally found two to take them... I was happy to just be there today too. My muscles were sore, my hamstrings were unhappy... jump backs were nearly impossible and I only attempted a few jump throughs. I could barely get my leg lifted all the way in utthita hasta... but I did pashasana again :) The first time I did it, I did it with a towel under the heels -- this is relatively easy for me. The second time I took the towel out and the teacher came to help me... I can get the bind but I can't balance... with time :) Only day two of pashasana. After that I started backbends then glanced at the clock and realized I was going to be late to get my kids so I did a quick half finishing and bailed out.... now... my body is screaming... hopefully tomorrow will be more normal.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:30 AM | Comments (1)
January 26, 2005
Three Years of First Series
It never seems to fail that whenever I take a voluntary or involuntary break from yoga, I come back to some part of my practice that is better than when I left. Today I got up for the 7am practice, The Nanny was no longer sick and I'm feeling better though I can still barely talk without sounding like a phone sex operator (on a conference call the other day someone told me I should maybe get a nighttime job) so I brought a bunch of cough drops with me and laid out my mat. I was surprised that my sun salutations were pretty good for me... most of my practice was actually fairly decent, my flexibility wasn't different at all... it usually isn't. What did suffer, as I knew it would, was my stamina and strength. Vinyasas between each side were hard and I didn't even attempt to jump through most of the time. I was so happy that Mari C was doable on both sides today without any help... and no pain! Hooray!
The end of this post is the best part! Following Setu Bandhasana, Tim looked at me and said "Today Pashasana" :) :) :) :) :)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:32 AM | Comments (5)
January 24, 2005
All Clear
Well the mammogram experience wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as I had heard/thought it would be... that's a lesson in the experiencing everything for yourself column (along with someone mentioning on the ashtanga EZBoard that birthing their child was first a visit to hell before heaven -- for me giving birth was the closest thing to God I think I'll ever experience). I have to own up to sitting in the waiting room, wearing the lovely gown, looking at all the considerably-older-than-me women, looking around at the "niceties" that were laid out in order to make us feel more at ease and thinking "Holy shit, what if I already have cancer? What if they find something?" I actually found my yoga breathing to be quite a helper with the mammogram experience and my tattoos made for quite lovely conversation with my technician (who got a tattoo at the age of 57 -- a nice little butterfly on her ankle, she told me the story of calling her adult child to tell him she was in a tattoo parlor LOL). After the process, they walk you out to a massage chair where you are given a 5 minute back massage while waiting for your films. My films were clear -- all normal and healthy which was great.
I took the films to my breast surgeon -- I had a long talk with her about the genetic counselor and the impression he gave me. We both agreed in the course of my treatment and the necessity, etc. I really like her and it appears the hold up in all of this is going to be a plastic surgeon I can afford. We are supposed to find out sometime in the relative future whether this will all be covered then set a surgery date for July.
It seems the largest question aside from the financial implications of the plastic surgeon is what type of reconstruction to get done. The ones being suggested are the chest expander or the latisimus flap. With either my concern is what does this muscle movement mean for my strength capacity in the future and, so far, I haven't been able to get really solid answers to that question. I would really LOVE to find an ashtanga practitioner(s) who have had breast cancer and reconstruction... maybe I'll post at EZBoard and see if any non-blog-reading lurkers read it and either know someone or have the experience themselves.
I was going to practice tonight...but on the advice of my dear husband I've decided to stay home. I'm still not healthy, I can barely get through a sentence without hacking away and I'm dead bone tired... but I FINALLY feel some semblance of life and my history has always been if I push myself in this tentative stage, I'm a goner... so I'm sitting here and going to finish some work... my stamina is going to SUCK next week but hopefully I'll be fully healthy. I got drops for the pink eye and they are really helping already.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:32 PM | Comments (2)
A Tentative Life
Though I spent the entire evening coughing, struggling to sleep, I still hadn't nixed the idea of getting up for yoga... until The Nanny called in sick (which figures since she's been here next to my germs). My life is so tentative and I think this puts huge amounts of stress into my world -- will I be able to do this or that or this or that... and it almost always revolves around other people's schedules of which I have no control. I entertained the idea of the noon class until I remembered I have my first mammogram and then breast cancer surgeon appointment which I'm not looking forward to (the mammogram, that is). So, with tomorrow being a moon day, I should be able to make the prep class at the club this evening which is probably a good way to ease into a practice that I haven't seen in nearly 2 weeks. I'm so sad that I've been so sick right now because that means my stamina is going to be hugely affected for next week... not only that but I'm still not feeling great and the pink eye isn't going away (but I did just get the doctor to call in a prescription for that, the homeopathic doesn't seem to be working). I've been hesitating to sign up for Guruji's tour since I am at the mercy of someone helping me with the kids... I don't know that I can find enough help to do both weeks *sigh* but I have been adamant that I'll find enough help for one whole week at the very least. I'm such a control freak that all this fanagaling to try and get other people's schedules to mesh with my own is driving me batty.
Add to that I figured out that I have to plan the kid's birthday parties this week since sending out invitations after I get back from Maya Tulum will be too short of notice.... We've decided on Build-A-Bear for The Daughter's party and a sleepover (eek) for The Son's. People who aren't parents probably don't realize the degree of planning and involvement one must do for a kid's birthday party and I'm lucky enough that my kids were born in the same week!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:23 AM | Comments (1)
January 23, 2005
Do I See Health?
What an absolutely miserable week... Yesterday The Husband and The Son had Indian Guides leaving me with 14 or so hours to entertain a near 4 year old with a lot of energy. I still wasn't feeling very good - the sore throat came roaring back with a vengeance yesterday. We got her haircut (really short for her), went shopping (and got these incredibly cute pink high top Converse for 4 year olds!) and then made our own non-dairy pizza for dinner whilst we watched Piglet's BIG Movie. By the time I got her in bed, I knew I had overdone it (but try keeping a 4 year old in the house all day) and retired to the sick bed yet again. This morning I feel somewhat better..the sore throat isn't as bad as it was last night and I have fleeting moments of "Hey, I might actually feel okay tomorrow" --- but the scariest sensation is in my hip. Yesterday while walking to get the Converse, my hip sorta gave out and in place of regular hip walking sensation I had a new and scary feeling of it being out of whack. I was literally limping for awhile. During Piglet's BIG Movie I did some stretching (no yoga in a week means I was very tight) and this morning the sensation is moderate compared to what it was yesterday... only on extension and only sometimes.. we'll see what *that* turns into.
Thanks to everyone for the book suggestions -- Life of Pi, I've read -- curiously, what did you think of the ending R? A Suitable Boy I almost picked up but I'm so fickle with my reading -- if I don't like it, I have a hard time getting into it so I didn't want to bring that big huge book and then not like it (though I've heard I will love it).... Strangely enough I have The Secret Life of Bees and The God of Small Things sitting by my bed for a future read (so those will be coming along) and today I read the latest Mother Jones with a review of Diet for A Dead Planet which I hope I can find to take with me.
I have to share this picture of The Daughter --- these are her favorite things -- the shoes she never ever ever wants to take off ever again, her favorite "yoga" shirt, her skirt with the matching socks... and her new haircut... my Goddess she looks older than 4!
Tomorrow -- pray for yoga.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:02 AM | Comments (4)
January 21, 2005
Sick Week
With The Husband having been out of town all week, yoga was pretty much on the distant realm of reality anyway but then I got sick and sick I was.... I think I've slept more in the past week than I have in years and it hasn't seemed to help much. I can barely pull myself up to do much. The strange thing is I'm not congested and the illness appears to have located itself exclusively in my throat (I'm utterly thankful I'm not congested by the way, I hate congestion more than anything). Last night I started feeling some semblance of regular, it was a tangible feeling, sorta like "Oh yea, I remember what un-sick feels like..." so I thought I could probably make the noon class today since The Nanny is here. Then I woke up this morning feeling worse again and with what I've determined is probably pink eye. When it rains, it pours I suppose. I'm going to try and go nap and see how I feel in a couple of hours....
I'm sorta bummed I was sick while The Husband was out of town. I miss my husband tremendously when he's gone. He contributes so much to the running of our household -- he's really the domestic in the house -- but honestly I cherish the rare times he is gone over night and I get to put the kids to bed and be the only adult in the house for a couple of hours. It is such a rare event for me that I really try to relish the experience and make it last... so being sick was a bummer because I simply crawled into bed after doing homework, cleaning dishes, getting dinner, cleaning dishes, practicing spelling words, doing reading homework, engaging the child army to clean up their stuff, wiping butts, reading books and then getting wrangled by work because of an emergency that I couldn't get fixed until 10pm last night (why is it that people change business critical designs that are in production and then fail to tell the developer who developed webservices off said business services?).
I think I'm all ready for Maya Tulum -- got my e2 earphones yesterday in the mail for the iPod -- they rock and I got a great deal on them through eBay. The only thing I've screwed up is that I bought the trilogy of Josephine Bonaparte to take with me, and of course, then I worried I wouldn't be into it so I started the first book...which I then couldn't put down... so then I had to read the second book... and couldn't put that one down and I started the third book last night. I now have to find really good engrossing book(s) to bring with me (bear in mind, I can usually read a book in a couple of days). I have the House of Blue Mangos sitting here and I think I also have The Lady and The Unicorn hanging around but I probably have to find another really good book since the plane ride itself is 6 hours (okay maybe two good books) -- any suggestions?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:30 AM | Comments (3)
January 19, 2005
*SOB*
Despite going to sleep, literally sleep, at 7:00pm last night and getting up at 8:15am this morning (well, I did wake up a bunch last night but at least it was rest), I'm woefully sick today. *sigh* I've been loading up on all different things so maybe I can get over it fast and I guess I need to look at this as a good thing -- if I'm sick now, I should be better by next Friday and therefore better for Maya Tulum. Of course, the husband has meetings out of town for the rest of the week which also means no rest for the weary and sick... Pray for Yoga has turned into Pray for Health.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:19 AM | Comments (2)
January 18, 2005
Chaos
See, I knew that getting insurance coverage for this procedure would not be a slam dunk... even if the insurance has no issues approving the surgery (which is still yet to be seen), it appears that the skilled plastic surgeons around here no longer take BCBS insurance. I met with my mom's PS today (strangely enough a girl from my yoga classes at the club is the nurse!) and he was very warm and caring and I really liked him but he will no longer take my insurance as of April 1... so it then becomes, will they allow me to use an out of network provider and, if so, then how much am I responsible for *sigh* Whenever I have to deal with insurance I am continually flabergasted at just how difficult it is... it's a nightmare, it shouldn't have to be this way. It is almost like it comes down to a choice between money and health.. that sucks.
I haven't practiced since last Friday and I was supposed to go to the first series class tonight but I'm debating. I am most definitely coming down with a cold (not surprising because my daughter who regularly breathes, kisses and otherwise drools in my face, has something) -- so do I take the risk of making myself feel worse by practicing or take the risk of making myself feel better by practicing... with Maya Tulum less than 2 weeks away, I'm telling myself to be cautious, of course, I can't decide which is the cautious road to take.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:35 PM | Comments (1)
January 17, 2005
Tat Pics
In progress:
Finished:
Looks like this week will be a week of night practices, The Nanny's school schedule got messed up, my husband is out of town for a few days... but I should be able to make led classes 4 nights this week. Pray for Yoga (we should make that a bumpersticker).
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:02 AM | Comments (4)
January 16, 2005
EZBoarders Unite!
So I've started this post literally 5 times and each time I've gotten to the very end and it gets deleted by accident. I think on each subsequent attempt I leave things out but, oh well, I tired of typing now....
Friday night I went to the first series class at the club but I didn't have so great a practice and certainly nothing to blog about... My body and mind have been a little out of sorts this week which I guess is a thing to be expected. After practice I met up with Laproxdoc who went over technical details of my surgical options. It is really nice to have someone who is a friend to give me the up and up and allow me to make better decisions for myself.
Saturday I got up and met Cameron and his friend Darren at Guru Tattoo where Dave finished my back and did some arm bands for Cameron. I decided on Friday, after having my back work done for a couple weeks now, that I really wasn't 100% sure about the dot decorations on the outside of the lotus so I opted to just get the OM in the center done. I think the tattoo looks cleaner and better without the dots... With my 10 minute OM job out of the way, we spent the next 4 hours either amusing Cameron or annoying Dave with our endless questions on the tattoo process. It was nice to actually get to see it done since I didn't watch my own process. I got to ask lots of nifty questions :) but, oh well, I'm a techie at heart and have to know. Cameron and Darren have all the tat pictures so hopefully they'll send them over or post them soon.
With an OM and two arm bands done and the watch reading 4:45 we bailed from PB and drove to my house to cook for 15 yogis. We were so blessed that my friend The Daughterity came to help us because truly I don't know what we would have done without her. We had 6 or 7 dishes I guess, a couple people brought additions and we had an enjoyable evening of food and friends. I still haven't finished cleaning up the kitchen (which is why, in large part, if this post gets axed a 6th time, that's it I'm done trying :>).
As for who was there... the first group shot has everone named. The bottom group shot has the exchange of Okrgr with my husband The Husband (he's in the red shirt in the back row).
Laproxdoc, AshtangaAddict, Okrgr, Jozenn (Cameron), Idoru, TaraIsAGoddess and myself (SuburbFreak) are all EZBoarders and most of us bloggers too.
Ms. September is from the shala and also one of my teachers
Mark & Liz are Cameron's friends
Yoanna (sp?) is Idoru's girlfriend
The Daughterity & Paul, Candace, John are yoga friends for years
TaraIsAGoddess and the very beautiful and precious Rowan:
TaraIsAGoddess with Cameron on couch, Laproxdoc and Ms. September on floor
Idoru
Laproxdoc, Candace and Okrgr
Group Shot:
(this shot is blurry so please click here for larger image)
Group Shot with The Husband:
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:27 PM | Comments (3)
January 13, 2005
Fast Train Approaching
With 24 hours since I went to the surgeon, reality feels like a freight train which is coming out of a long dark tunnel. I'm not even sure that I can finger or name the emotion(s) that I have going on. There is a lot of fear, sadness but mostly a type of panic almost. It's not like I am second guessing the decision, it's a decision that I made many, many years ago with a lot of counseling and a lot of thought and meditation but for 10 years it has always been this "well someday I'm going to do this" and within the span of 24 hours it has become something that is actually going to get scheduled, that is months away, that I have to actually plan for right now.
This morning I had to talk to my boss and fellow senior programmer to find out what month(s) work best for them. I can't be gone at the same time as the other sr. programmer since we tend to "cover each other" even though we don't necessarily write the same languages or work on the same projects. Turns out, she is going to Europe in September so the best month taking everything into account is July... which is 6 months away. I left my house for practice right after talking to her and by the time I was standing with my mat outside the shala I just felt this overwhelming sense of panic or fear.. not sure which. Then my friend who is dealing with cancer, I saw her pull in. My friend is so amazing... she's practicing yoga, ashtanga yoga, throughout her chemo treatments. She's practiced within days of surgery, within days of being injected with chemo drugs, she's lost her hair, she looks amazing and her practice is still strong albeit tamed down from what it was a bit. She's so inspiring but when I saw her walking toward me I sorta felt my heart leap. Seeing her go through this has only strengthened my resolve but at the same time seeing her go through it has also made me face a stone cold reality of my own situation and my own future. It truly is a matter of when not if and there really isn't anything I can do to change that... this surgery is what I can do and do it I will. She hugged me and we talked about it... talking about it really helps me. I'm a talker... if I can talk about it, even with tears, then I can get a handle on it. Unfortunately, I've discovered that many people are uncomfortable talking about it. They feel scared of it too, I guess. When I had to tell my boss and a couple people yesterday they all seemed to react like I had cancer. I wanted to say that this is a GOOD thing... and it is. It's also terrifying and a major surgery. Laproxdoc came to practice right before it started... as I was telling him that I need to talk to him about the mechanics, the physical part of this, what the technical terms mean and how it will affect my body, what it will do to the outlook of my yoga practice, I started to tear up. Tim noticed this and I felt bad. I didn't want to bring bad vibe into the room. I couldn't and can't, to some degree, place why I'm having this reaction. Laproxdoc touched my shoulder and said that no woman could be prepared for this, that my reaction is normal and okay. That helped.
So I started my practice and I felt very focused and then it happened. I've been truly waiting for the day actually. I knew it was going to happen because he first approached the girl a couple mats down. If someone asked me what the number one "issue" with my practice is I would have to say my chatarungas. They suck. Every teacher I've ever had has tried to change them. I simply don't get it. So, out of the corner of my eye I saw Tim down with the girl a couple mats down talking to her about it and I knew... and then he came. He told me what everone says, that my shoulders turn in, that I need to keep them back, that I shouldn't be descending so far and that I need to move my front forward more. This all sounds fine except I can't put the pieces together. I keep trying but I think it might be weakness, I'm not sure. It doesn't *feel* right to me either... it feels, wierd, constricted and very difficult. When I look at other people doing it, it doesn't seem like they do it the way he (and everyone else) tells me to. I need to work on this some more.
Overall my practice was much better today... Tim was able to help me again in Mari C. I asked him after what I can do to mimic that adjustment because when he holds my bent leg down and pushes hard on it, the pain subsides. He told me I need bodywork :) Maybe I do, lord knows I could probably use it mentally if nothing at all. He's also been adjusting me in baddha k. For the past two days baddha k hasn't felt so good. For me, when it doesn't feel good it feels like my hips are tightening up... getting the ground is relatively simple but I feel like once I get there that I'm not putting enough extension in my spine. Today Tim was laying over me and I realize that part of this is my boobs are flat out in the way! I can't imagine what it will be like to do this practice with fake boobs that aren't floppy and able to be manipulated like real ones can! I mean, in some of the twisting standing poses I actually lift my boobs up and move them out of the way.
Then we come to drop backs... ah, drop backs... I told Tim after class that I think maybe I'm afraid of him. When I do these with other people they all tell me they aren't helping me much but with Tim I feel like I'm not even making an effort. I think I need to spend some time, get heated up, and just spend like a half hour trying to do this on my own. It has to be a mental thing of putting it together because I know physically I should be able to do it.
After class we went to the coffee place for coffee which is quickly becoming a standard event. Some guys read my tattoo and we got to chat a little about everything. I have to say I'm so glad I went to practice because after I felt remarkably lifted and happier and less scared. Yoga is a powerful thing and I think I need to realize that a lot of my fear is that I will lose the ability to do so much of what I can do now (okay and I'm terrified of being put to sleep). In the back of my head I very selfishly and un-yogically want to be given pasasana before I have this surgery... why? Well, somewhere I feel like if I could have the first pose of 2nd, I would feel like I have something beyond to come back to, to work back to for I know it will take a lot of work to get back there again. Does that make sense? I will probably have to start practicing more Mysore for that to happen... we'll see.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:50 PM | Comments (6)
January 12, 2005
Reality
Today I had my appointment with the breast surgeon. I thought the appointment was going to be more like my genetic counseling appointments where they talked to me about why I would want this preventative surgery, what my options were (Tamoxifen, etc.) but really, there wasn't any of that. Since the surgeon is my mom's doctor, she knew my history, knew how I felt about Tamoxifen and knew I had been to counseling. It basically boiled down to her drawing the picture of my tree, her saying she felt the insurance company wouldn't have a problem with any of this, her explaining to me how the surgery works (a skin-sparring bilateral mastectomy), what reconstructive options there were and asking when I wanted to get started. Reality check. I mean, for years, for at least 12 years, I've been 99% sure this is what I wanted and I haven't vascillated in that sureness at all and I'm still not but suddenly the thought of surgery is a bit overwhelming. It's not removing my breasts, cause, eh, whatever, but surgery, hospitals frighten me. So the largest reservation is that they are unable to do the sub-cutaneous surgery and the skin-sparing means they go in through your areola, remove it, put in your expander (if you are going that way), sew you up and then you go back later to reconstruct your areola and nipple. I haven't seen pictures of reconstructed nipples/areola so I really am interested as to what that looks like. She mentioned that a lot of doctors prefer to do a lattis (sp?) surgery where they move a portion of your back muscles to your front... I really don't want to do this. She thought it would be okay without given my body type, size, activity level but, of course, that's something that has to be reviewed with the plastic surgeon who will do the reconstruction.
So, I have my first mammogram on the 24th. An appointment with the plastic surgeon and a tentative shoot date of September for surgery. WOW!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:56 PM | Comments (4)
January 11, 2005
Oh Crap
What a hard practice today. Was it the 3 days off? Was it the fact that I actually had pizza and wine on Saturday night? Was it the fact that I gave 4 vials of blood and have extremely low blood pressure? Was it the extreme wierdness I have with the new medication I'm taking short term (Goddess, if I feel this hungry for 3 more weeks I might gain 50 pounds!)? Or maybe it was just an off day but practice was painful today. I could barely get my head to my knees in my Sun Sals... Chatarunga was, well, less chat and more unga. My lower back area was tightened up with a screw in up dogs and my muscles were basically non-existent. Standing went okay... I love the adjustment in utthita -- I even almost, almost, held my leg up by my head on my own today. Seated postures were eh, so so... My jump throughs sucked and I didn't have the stamina to pull them off through the whole practice. I got the nice help adjustment in Mari C again on my bad side... what a difference that makes... I wonder if enough help in that posture will help the pain subside. Kurmasana felt HORRIBLE today... and I couldn't even get bound on my own :( Let's hope today was just a ripple in what has otherwise been a good month for me. I was finally feeling like I was making progress and today I just feel, well, out of shape.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:56 PM | Comments (1)
January 10, 2005
I'll Take It With Salt, Thanks
Moon day and no practice. Truth be told, I probably couldn't have made practice even if it wasn't a moon day. The smallest thing can wrench my tentative schedule apart. Today that happened at noon when I remembered I had an appointment to get my thyroid checked. During my appointment the doctor told me that my blood pressure has dropped significantly again. I think he said it was 85 over 60 or maybe it was 88 over 60. Anyway, he said that in an elderly patient this would be immediate cause for concern but I'm young and probably just get dizzy... which is very true, I get dizzy very, very easily (especially coming up from certain poses). Anyway, he told me I need to increase my salt intake... since I don't eat salt (which means that if a dish I'm making calls for salt, I skip it and I don't salt my food... of course salt is in foods naturally), this will be interesting. I don't like salt and I don't really want to develop a taste for it but the doctor indicated my lack of thirst, my feeling of being tired and fuzzy all the time is likely more related to my blood pressure than any adrenal problem (if you recall from a few posts back). I'm also supposed to drink a lot of water and hopefully increasing the salt will make me want to drink water. Speaking of... I'm so tired I could fall asleep right now.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 4:19 PM | Comments (4)
January 9, 2005
I Gave Up Yoga For This?
Last night saw The Husband off to the LA AutoShow and me basically standing with one foot out the door when he got home. I drove up to Anaheim in, eh, not so great weather frankly. In fact, pretty darned horrid weather for Southern California. I met some girls from YAAPS (were I more gutsy, I would actually post the graphic of myself and another YAAPSter actually spelling out YAAPS with yoga poses *insert shame faced red smiley*). The lovely Madame Fab graced us with her present straight down from that lovely Canada up above us. It was the first time I'd seen some of these moms since AMU days, which, well, my friends, let's face it, was exactly eons ago. We had what technically amounted to your classic hotel party reminiscent of your prom night (minus hot young boys *damn, why didn't anyone think of that?*). I own up to taking on full personal responsibility for the task of hostess -- a large hotel room, munchies such as hummus and carrots, jicama and, okay, because you all know it anyway, a few pieces of vegan chocolate cake.. I mean, what's a party without CHOCOLATE (who needs hot young boys!). I even brought speakers and an iPod (too bad they didn't have THOSE on prom night -- iPods rock!) and incense too! God I sicken even myself. We had a great time and, then, in full regard for just who were are, we jumped into jammies, pulled out a book and read before we went to sleep. See, I only made it sound wild and crazy ;)
The drive home was HORRIBLE. I mean HORRIBLE. At times I considered pulling off to the side of the road, crying and saying "Someone come get me!" I realize us Californians can't drive in the rain and, as Tanya so kindly put it, "a mist" (in that wierd Canadian accent) makes the STORM WATCH 2005 story on the news, but this was horrible..horrible. Home safe though... HOORAY
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:32 PM | Comments (1)
January 8, 2005
Descent
I've been taking some new medication for a short period of time and it is making me feel horribly nauseated during the day. Yesterday afternoon I even fell asleep for an hour or so and woke up so groggy I wasn't sure I would even make first series at the club. I borrowed some caffeine from my neighbor and scooted over there... I'm glad I did because I had a nice practice. I think I keep getting to say that I had nice practices because I have more stamina now.... I'm practicing the whole series multiple times a week and I now have the ability to get through it without collapsing mid-way. That's nice. Last night I was able to bind in supta k more than ever to date... got my feet all the way crossed and then the teacher helped me put them over my head. I have to find a new hairdo though because I wear my hair in a ponytail then braided and this gets in the way. Nothing else really stands out about my practice... nice and bendy, my chatarungas didn't feel as strong for some reason but probably because it was a led class and therefore I was moving faster than I do in Mysore and not as in control. When we got to backbends I did my backbends, came up against the wall on the last one then went back down. Frustrated I stood at the front of my mat, put my hands on my hips and helped push my hips out ... When I could see the ground, I moved my hands to my heart and then wimped out. My teacher came over and said I was so there... so I tried it again but wimped out... tried it again with her standing there... and when I dropped back it felt like I was controlling the descent. After class I asked her how much she helped me. She thought I meant when she helped me back up and said that she had only helped for a split second just to get my hands off the ground so I asked about the drop back and she said she didn't help me at all. I asked her if she was kidding but she said that, no, she hadn't helped even a little bit that it had been all me. She said her hands weren't even on me. She also explained to me another way to put my hands because it seems the fear for me is moving my hands from prayer to dropping back -- I think I won't make it. She told me to try putting my hands next to me and see if that helps. I'll try that next time. It was encouraging that I did it on my own.. now I just need to get rid of the prop of having someone standing there.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:59 AM | Comments (1)
January 7, 2005
Happy Birthday Blog
For my second post of the day:
Happy Happy Birthday to this sometimes dull and boring, sometimes illuminating but always mine blog! I've been blogging now for 3 years which, in a way, is hard to believe and, in a way, is a very beautiful thing. I went and read back through January of my first year -- I have marked the day when my daughter took her first steps, when I first embarked on projects, my first ashtanga class and how drawn I was to it... Happy Birthday Blog!
Dinner with the neighbors got canceled today and why is that important? Because I will be able to make the evening first series class tonight (too bad I can't make the 5:30 Intro to 2nd but I don't think I can).
And, finally, I found out that I was not the only parent upset about the McDonalds incident and, as a result (of probably more eloquent and restrained complaints than mine), the bookmarks were discarded and the program will not continue any further in the classroom. Never underestimate the power of a few determined parents to make change even in a public school!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:20 AM | Comments (3)
By George
I went to bed last night with the intention of getting up for Mysore this morning. I have finally figured out why these nights end up being crappy for me... I wake up all night to check to see what time it is because I don't want the alarm to go off and wake up my daughter. I have always wished I was a morning person -- one of those people who wakes up at 6am and is ready to do anything. I can barely drag myself out of bed at 8 and don't feel energetic until much later in the day, if at all. It's sad to say but I never feel young and spritely anymore and its likely due to my thyroid issues I know. I've always wanted to try supplementing my adrenal system. It's a pretty well common thought that if you suffer from thyroid disease for any lengthy period of time, your adrenals will suffer too. I go to my thyroid doctor on Monday, maybe I'll ask him about it.
So, the last time I checked the clock was 10 minutes before it was supposed to go off. It wasn't until after that I realized I couldn't go to yoga this morning. Duh, what was I thinking. The Nanny has her college orientation today so she isn't coming and The Daughter has a new dance class up in Encinitas to check out which starts at 11. If I went to practice, I wouldn't get home until 9:30 at the earliest, shower and get The Daughter ballet'd out and turn around and leave again not getting home until probably 2ish since I have to stop at the store and pick up the supplies for dinner which I'm making this evening for our neighbors. Given that I actually do have a full-time job, I can't be gone all day like that so I went back to bed and lamented that I can't seem to find more than two Mysore practices in one week. On the other hand, I should feel absolutely awesome because if I read back just a few months ago I was lamenting that I couldn't find time for any classes at AYC and now I pay monthly and go what amounts to regularly. This whole schedule thing is still working out and won't be anywhere near finalized until after The Nanny start school and has a final schedule. It may end up I don't get T/TH Mysore but have to find other days so one never knows... or maybe I'll find a way to do more. It's funny how just those two days would have satisfied me a few months ago and now I'm just left still wanting... the never ending cycle.
I got a voice mail back from the principal at The Son's school. She indicated that the decision to have McDonalds come out was her choice and that they simply wanted a fun way to kick off reading. She also indicated that it had been on the master calendar but was removed. I find this hard to believe since all the other events going back to August are still on the calendar, why would this one thing be removed. She thanked me for my opinion, of course, and indicated that it was not their intention to market to kids. I wrote her back asking after the calendar... I'll probably have to figure out where to go with anything else later.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:04 AM
January 6, 2005
Better
This morning I had a talk with The Son about the McDonalds issue. Last night I sent a, maybe too heated, email to the principal but I haven't heard back about it. I wanted to know who/what committee initiated and approved this project and why the parents were not notified of it. So when I talked to The Son this morning I explained how strongly I felt about this subject and that I thought the program was inappropriate for school. The Son really wanted the bookmark and to earn the coupons for hamburgers. We explained last night that we would never take him to McDonalds because that's not something we do except on very special occasions or Grandma takes him and that if those occasions ever arose, we'd get him a Happy Meal and he didn't need a coupon. This morning he still expressed the desire to participate so I asked him if we could work out a separate program for him to do. My first stab, reading books for money, didn't fly with him. We talked some more and came up with the idea that instead of 10 books for a hamburger, he could do 15 for a particular game he wants (which equates to $1 a book) and we'd go to the bookstore and he can pick out his own bookmark. When I feel passionately about something like this, I talk to my child but, ultimately, its his decision so I'm anxiously awaiting his return from school to see if the peer pressure got to him or if he decided to decline the bookmark.
Practice today was good for me. The room was perfectly heated for me but my mat is still screwed up from that crap I put on it (Never, ever, use mat spray -- it doesn't work) and when I pulled out my YogiToes, oh Lord, was it horribly smelly... I'm not sure why, I don't often use it but it was horrid so I put it away and slipped a bit here and there. Really concentrating on my chatrungas is really helping, at least so it feels, and today I managed to jump through with relative quiet (no, not nice and light quiet yet unlike Tara who was practicing next to me and has bandhas of steel and can do all the floaty stuff which looks so beautiful) the entire practice which I believe is a first or second for me. The stamina of practicing the whole first series more than once a week is showing. I still have the wierd throat issue with tilting my head all the way back in utkatasana and the warrior sequence... I think that is emotional though and something I'm going to have to face sooner or later... I guess I keep pushing it to later but, eventually, it'll hit me smack dab in the center. Mari C was still excruciating today. The first side is not as bad as the second. On the second side, the teacher (isn't it wierd how I haven't taken to saying "my teacher" yet... I somehow don't feel worthy almost) came over and held my hip down and twisted and OH the difference... I said "Gee, if only you could do that everytime." He replied "Probably not!" LOL I wonder if whatever is really deep in that hip is emotional too -- it doesn't hurt in any other pose than that one. I managed to roll about 1/4 of the way around on my own in Garbha Pindasana before flailing over to the side. I can rock, I just can't figure out how to turn... if I don't roll deeply my spine is in agony and if I roll too deeply then I crash and burn. Backbends today were okay. When the teacher came over to do my dropbacks he warned me before starting that I needed to use my legs ;) I did use them more and they were better. On the final drop back it really feels like I'm doing most of the controlled descent down but I really don't know. After coming back up I got a "Better." which was encouraging... he asked me if I could feel my legs. I did feel my legs more but I was really concentrating on them... also I had put the YogiToes down nub side up which helped my traction some, well, a lot. I've decided that one day I need to get really warm and just sit here in my little room and drop back. I watched a couple girls dropping back today. Hands on the hips, sorta holding them there until they were halfway back... I can do that. Then they move their arms either up and over or out and around...and that's the part I can't figure out. It's like my head can't grasp at that point how to do that anymore than I can figure out how to get my hands off the ground to come up.
Now work calls... and no spam for 48 hours at Ashtangi.NET WHOOHOO!!!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 12:46 PM | Comments (4)
January 5, 2005
WarPath
I am on the warpath and I am pissed off. I just found out that today my son was invited to an all school assembly given by McDonalds. McDonalds is so interested in getting kids to read (what their menus?) that Ronald McDonald in all his finery is going to schools and doing what amounts to a magic show and promising the children if they read 10 books and get them marked off by their teacher then (big surprise here) they get a coupon for a free hamburger. Now, let's just forget about the fact that the second ingredient in a McDonalds hamburger BUN is high fructose corn syrup and look at what this really is about. What this really is about is buying the loyalty of unsuspecting children into the McDonalds brand, using Ronald McDonald instead of the big arches (because that would simply be too in your face). If McDonalds can nab my 6 year old then they've got a customer for life and, if, as a pro-McDonalds reading program article puts it ("McDonald's intent is to associate its mascot, the clown Ronald McDonald, with preschoolers' emotions toward learning to read, and to raise awareness of Ronald as a brand icon among kids."), they can nab the positive emotions related to reading of my 6 year olds psyche then, by Goddess, they've got a McDonalds customer who will always associate Happy Meals with being happy. What upsets me most about this, however, is not that the school allowed it, not that they fell victim, willingly, to McDonalds propaganda but that I was not notified as a parent that this was going to happen, that after the fact I was told about it by my child and that I had no option to opt my child out of it. Big corporate politics at work in your local public school my friends. It sucks.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:27 PM | Comments (4)
Could It Be?
In the past 24 hours Ashtangi.NET blogs have not been hit with a single spam.. could it actually be that the captcha turning test is working? There were a few problems with people trying to post and being told they were spam but that was due to the scrubbed blacklist script I was trying to run and didn't finish. The other problem is that on one or two blogs (including my own), the preview button isn't functioning properly and I haven't figured that one out yet. That is a small price to pay, however, for the thousands of spam that was getting generated. Cross your fingers that this might solve the problem until the spammers catch up to us.
Last night was my book club meeting. This month's book was The Kite Runner which I thoroughly enjoyed. There's a couple things about the book club I don't like.... Number 1 on the list is that it is simply too late at night. Do I sound like I'm 35 and over the hill yet? Last night we didn't get out of there until 10pm and I had passed on the food and drink so I could practice this morning... I swear I was about to fall asleep by the end. I won't go over the other thing that bothers me because this isn't the place for it :) so I'll just say that I'd be very happy if we could start and end earlier...
While my intention was to get up for 7am Mysore today, that pretty much got nixed when I saw the clock turn midnight, then 1:30 then 2:57, then 4:45, then 5:30 then 6:30 and then I finally slept until 8:30. Can anybody practice without sleep? Is there anyone else who finds themselves constantly stretching? My husband commented to me the other day that it doesn't matter what I'm doing, reading, working, watching TV, playing, sitting, cooking... he always finds me in some contortion or another. If I'm in the jacuzzi, I'm playing with being weightless (which I'll likely never be in real life ;>). If I'm sitting on the ground, I'll stretch this way then that, if I'm in the kitchen he's likely to find me trying to see the ground bending backward or doing triangle pose. Just constantly seeing how the body feels. Is that obsessive?
This weekend my friend, Madame Fabulous, from Canada is coming down. I'm taking the kids to Disneyland on Saturday so I can hook up with her (damn, I just realized that means no yoga on Sunday which means Friday Mysore is not negotiable). Next week Cameron is coming to town and we have an appointment at Guru with Dave to finish my back and get some ink done for Cameron. After that we are going to "kick back" and then Cameron is making a nice vegan feast for us San Diego EZBoarders (of course, I need to invite all the San Diego EZBoarders first). We were going to have chocolate tub wrestling and wet t-shirt contests but opted for a nice mellow dinner instead.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 2:15 PM | Comments (2)
January 4, 2005
Uncommitted
I woke up this morning to pouring rain and The Nanny! WHOOHOO. Practice today was good.. I am focusing a lot on engaged my bandas during chatarunga and I think it is making a huge difference, at least it feels like it is making a huge difference. I've noticed when I practice Mysore I frequently lose count of my Sun Salutations... fortunately, Kiran was next to me today so I just did as many as she did ;) I asked Tim to come and help me when I got to Mari C. He noticed the grimace on my face from across the room so I thought I should maybe ask him about it. When he pushed down on my hip and rotated my leg the pain subsided a bit. He went and got a small block and had me sit on it -- On side 1 this totally worked but, alas, on side 2 it didn't help at all. I have no idea what is going on in that hip but it doesn't feel pretty. When I got to backbends today, my backbends actually felt pretty good. But, for the life of me, I can't figure out how to push my weight forward and engage my thighs. Doing dropbacks with Tim -- on the first one, my feet slipped on the still-slippery-from-wierd-mat-stuff and I just fell backward. Tim says "Uh, I need you to use more of your legs!" On the last one, when I dropped back, I actually felt like I was controlling most of the descent, I have no idea if that is true or not... but after I came up Tim says "I don't think your legs are fully committed." LOL.. they aren't... I have no idea how to commit them! I know with time it will come but I think one day I need to just sit and do backbends for awhile until I can feel it.
Now on to my real job and the kids... Good day.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:00 PM | Comments (4)
January 3, 2005
Chocolate Indulgence
I've had a crappy day. I woke up this morning to the pouring rain (in San Diego, that's a big deal), to the announcement that The Nanny wasn't coming (there goes yoga) and to the dread of knowing that work was going to hold some bug because we converted all our O/S to MS (leaving Novell) over the weekend and no upgrade goes without issues. My husband didn't seem to understand what "being in charge" of the children meant, when I went to the Aryuvedic store it was closed *again* (this is the 3rd time I've tried to go and they have been closed even when their hours say they are open), I bought too much stuff at Whole Foods and my account is going to be hurting for it and I'm sick of comment spam at Ashtangi.NET.
So let's see how it worked out -- I implemented a Captcha Turning solution to the comment spam at Ashtangi.NET. All blogs hosted under Ashtangi.NET will now require commenters to enter a valid security code. We'll see if this helps or not. Good Goddess, at this point, anything would be a help. Work actually wasn't too bad -- just one small tiny glitch that affected me and then back to my huge stack of work. The kids, well, they were great all day but did get a lot more media time than usual. The husband, well, he never did figure it out. And, yoga, well, we knew that was out the window at 7am.
I realized today that January is going to be a ridiculous filled month for me -- book club, old yoga crew outing, Disneyland, a friend from Canada coming, a playgroup at my house, Cameron coming down, finishing my tattoo, teacher training... I never make New Year's Resolution but my January resolution is going to be, in spite of everything I have going on, to make yoga a priority. If The Nanny makes it in the morning, I'll be at Mysore.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:47 PM
January 2, 2005
Ah
Today I decided to go practice at PAC (i.e, the club). Today was a first series class with a great teacher but I still dreaded the cold of the room. Fortunately, it actually seemed relatively warm in there today and I had a great practice. Actually, I had a wonderfully warm practice with a lot of strength and flexibility. Getting my fingers clasped and legs crossed in supta kurmasana is no longer a gesture but happens routinely now. I've discovered I can keep my shoulders up a bit more in my chatarungas if I engage my bandhas and flex my thighs (yes I realize we should always be doing this but I'm not the Bandha Queen... yet and I often forget). I was never very good at aerobics and I'm not awfully coordinated so sometimes it takes the magic of being able to do a pose for me before I can actually put it all together... my mind isn't very good on putting my right foot here, flexing this, turning that, looking there. Perhaps if I had more time to think it through but in a led class, that doesn't happen. Nothing else of vast notice took place today, just an all around solid practice to start off my New Year and I'm very happy about that. The class was crowded today... moving mats to fit everyone in which is fairly interesting for the club... I guess its all the New Year's resolutions people are making.
After practice a friend and I went to Indian food and then to the Indian market so I could buy some paneer... it wasn't cold when I bought it and I'm wondering if it will be bad because of it.
I spent most of my morning working on Ashtangi.NET and trying to get some resolution to the massive spam problem I'm having. I was proud of myself for writing some code but there is one small bug in it and I don't know PERL well enough to solve it but I think I'm close. Now if only I had more time to acquire links and whatnot. I am so glad to see how much growth Ashtangi.NET has had over the year and how many people it has brought together. People in Mysore know each other via Ashtangi.NET, people have met in SF, New York, Encinitas just via this little world of blogs we've brought together -- what a powerful and beautiful thing... and, to think, it was borne from my own laziness ;)
Happy New Year to my Ashtangi Friends and all the Yogis and Yoginis in the world!
(PS I almost forgot to mention the, uh, apparent threat that has been issued against me... :) we'll have to see how nasty it really gets muhahahahaha)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:46 PM | Comments (1)