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October 31, 2004
I Want My Mommy
My desire for non-attachment this week couldn't have come at a better time... Yesterday was just an incredibly horrible day for me. By Friday evening I was dwelling in a body I didn't recognize... sick and getting sicker. By the time I woke up on Saturday life was a distant glimmer on the horizon from my bedroom. I spent the entire day yesterday in bed (which is rare for me with two kids but The Husband was determined I would be better for Samhain today). I watched mindless television... in particular, Manhunt on Bravo which is a bunch of half nude want-to-be-male-models... if only I could have been more excited by the sight of 6 packs. I couldn't focus on any books I had and didn't have a mindless, trashy novel to attempt. By noon I asked The Husband to take me to the ER. All my symptoms were that of a typical cold. My pain threshold is pretty high. At this point in life I compare every ounce of pain to the pain of dialating from 3cm to 10cm in a half hour and pushing out a baby in the middle of one's living room. If the pain isn't within that sphere of cosmic experience (and I haven't found anything that compares yet), I can tough it out. But whatever was going on in my head, well, I thought I couldn't take it. We decided it was probably sinus congestion so The Husband went and bought some Sudafed type thing (our neighbor is a pharmacist so whenever we need allopathic medication, we have someone to ask about it). Oh the horror... that stuff was worse than any nasty concotation of Motherwort I've EVER tried. It made me sick to my stomach, it made my skin feel wierd, I felt drugged out and it didn't do a thing for my head. I basically laid up all day moaning. Around 8 I took something resembling Nyquil and passed out. This morning the headache is gone and I took a preventative dose of Ibuprofen because, well, its Samhain and I have so much to do. The family is coming over for dinner... the kids need to decorate... we need to sweep our house with sage and prepare for the coming year.
Happy Happy Samhain to you all. May whatever blessings you wish bestowed upon you this year come to you. May whatever things you wish to release, be taken with the moon this evening. May you all continue to enjoy the fruits of your work -- both inner and outer.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:58 AM | Comments (2)
October 29, 2004
Immune Diving
So, that's it, my immune system is shot and I've succumed to the virus that has invaded everyone's bodies around here. I was fighting it off pretty well but the last two days have left me feeling like my body was caving in... sure enough in the middle of the night last night the sludge of a virus made itself known :(
I searched the 'Net yesterday trying to find an Ayurvedic doctor not at the Chopra Center but I can't find one. I found a couple in L.A. but none this far south. It's probably the overall state of a depressed immune system, the whole cervical freak out scare, the current virus I'm battling and my thyroid getting tweaked but I just feel completely unhealthy. It hasn't slipped past me that I'm in an incredible state of stress right now too. The Husband started his new job and we are struggling to find the delicate balance of parenting, living and working let alone to be married. I'm thinking I'd really like to do a cleanse and then try to be cleaner than I have been... I'll have to start investigating which cleanse, when and how.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:40 AM | Comments (4)
October 28, 2004
Non-Attachment
I'm actually quite impressed with myself this week. I made a decision that I was going to be unattached to practicing asana this week with everything going on and I'm pleasantly surprised that although its in the back of my mind, I am completely at ease with the fact that I'm not practicing this week. I have made it a point to read something everynight (in particular, I'm still reading Ram Das Living the Bhagavad Gita which I'm really enjoying) and I've taken some time to meditate without asana.
I have however, noticed the difference in my body. I actually doubt this is due to yoga but due, more, to the eating habits and lack of sleep I've had this week. I've been trying to eat vegetarian with the exception of eggs and some milk in my chai in the mornings and I'm feeling it. I'm lethargic and I can feel my thyroid weakening. When this happens I have digestive problems. I get headaches and my immune system goes bust. I'd really like to go back to the Ayruvedic doctor (or find a good one here in San Diego).
Last night I did a small women's circle for Samhain with a couple other Ashtangis and a couple other women. It was very fun... we basically did a circle and had some raw food sweets after. The house we were at was on of one of the Ashtangis who has a very dedicated home practice... her practice space was so beautiful and peaceful... I just loved it. Last night made me realize that I do miss that spiritual connection with women... I think its all just coming around - the midwife appointment, etc. Time for me to do something in the female side... maybe some work that needs to get done.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:56 AM
October 26, 2004
More On Midwifery
If you were earlier readers of my blog (and I think I've probably scared most of them off by now), you know that much of what I wrote about what alternative parenting choices and that my life was pretty much "about" those choices. My kids have grown and a lot of those circles of people I'm no longer in the know with -- I'm not having homebirths anymore, not breastfeeding, not co-sleeping (well I do have a visitor every night but that's different than the pile), not homeschooling... I don't do the homeschool park day anymore. I don't do the monthly homebirth playgroup, the monthly AP playgroup, heck, even the weekly Rad-Mama Playgroup I named. I still feel just as passionately about those things as I always have so it kinda creeped into my mind during my bath about just how much I really truly enjoyed my midwife appointment today. I know that isn't strange to any of you YAAPS, Motherspirit, AMU *gasp* mommies who might occasion by this blog every now and again but I thought I'd comment on it anyway.
One of the reasons I haven't done a well woman visit in awhile because, frankly, I think they are revolting. I hate the idea of entering a doctor's office, being asked to strip and put on a paper dress thing that doesn't work no matter where they put the holes or the strings... sitting there for a half hour waiting.... to have the doctor come in and be a doctor. It's almost insulting and belittling. I know a great deal of wonderful doctors and I know from experiences with them that its not always this way but, I'm sorry to say that the vast majority of doctors just aren't that way. It's such a difference going to a midwife appointment. Instead of waiting forever, you're there forever (I had never met this midwife and we had a 2.5 hour appointment -- for a PAP SMEAR!). We talked about everything with deep mutual respect. When asked when my first sexual activity was I didn't hesitate to say "Oh, counting the abuse?" In a doctor's office, I would never have gone there... its too impersonal, too degrading. We talked technically, we talked with empathy, we talked with passion, laughter. It was no surprise to me when during my physical examination she handed me a mirror and said "Check It out!" What doctor would hand you a mirror and excitedly tell you to look at your own cervix. It seems to me its almost a lack of respect that I want to know my body's ins and outs and ups and downs. I have a deep respect for a doctor's education and knowledge and, moreso, their experience, but I've been living in my body for 35 years and I'm pretty much the solo expert on it. That's what I like about midwifery -- its a partnership of healthcare whereas I always feel smaller than that in a relationship with a doctor. Like I said, not all doctors are like this, my kid's pediatrician treats me with the utmost of respect, we frequently spar research on vaccination, we agree on antibiotics, we debate the pros and cons of treatments with fun and intellect... I just wish all doctors were like that. I want to see my cervix, my mammogram, my x-ray, my test results as much as I would want to see anything relating to my own child. Part of it is simply healthcare and HMOS in this country. I've heard of number of wonderful doctors tell me that and I know a few doctors who have left practice because of it. But, onto the good part... the cervix. WOW... looking at one's cervix could possibly be a momumental event. It is simply TERRIFYINGLY AMAZING to think that your children were born from there...when you are looking at it. In the most spectacular way... I think I need to go watch The Daughter's birth video ;) Hey wait, that's online somewhere around here!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:39 PM | Comments (11)
Fascinating.... Perhaps A Reason
I went to my well woman appointment this afternoon. I was there for two hours! That's what always fascinated me about midwifery... the amount of time for personal interaction between midwife and client but I digress. Some interesting things came out of my appointment today but I'll spare most of you the details (the scary cervix thing is an unknown at this point... waiting for test results). The pertinent interesting fact -- I have a dys-something other other that I know OKRGR will type the right word for.... muscle separation from pregnancy/birth! Fascinating because it is right below my navel... I struggle so much in certain asanas because I know I should be able to feel the engagement there and I cannot well this explains why. She said it wasn't large enough to warrant surgery but that she could definitely feel it... now if I papilate my belly... I can feel what she means. Truly fascinating.
Work is much better today... one problem solved and now back to the daily routine. Maybe a hot bath tonight just for myself.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:17 PM
9" Nails Theme
kinda like a cloud i was up, way up in the sky
and i was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe
sometimes i don't believe them myself
and i decided i was never coming down
just then a tiny little dot caught my eye
it was just about too small to see
but i watched it way too long
it was pulling me down
i was up above it
i was up above it
now i'm down in it
i was up above it (hoomp)
i was up above it
now i'm down in it
So, all my good intentions were for naught.... Around 1am I was woken up to all nighter of coughing, kicking and general no-sleep thanks to my sick 3 year old. Of course this morning I get up and can feel the subtle tickle in the throat (which is either that we share germs so much I'm getting it to or just lack of sleep which tends to do that to me). The yoga of parenting -- you can either find your soul in the craze of an all-nighter or turn your back on it.
Needless to say, no yoga this morning as I can barely see straight. The doctor's office called back and told me that not only can the doctor not see me but the nurse practitioner can't either. What kind of medical system do we have when you have to wait nearly 4 months for a doctor's visit, 3 for a nurse practitioner and that's not even for a well-woman visit. I have an appointment with a midwife but she got called away to a birth (which I completely and totally understand as a homebirth mom myself) so we'll see how the day goes... its called roll with the punches.
I've decided to just accept that this week is going to suck. I can't be attached to practicing, sleeping, eating or health. I'm "down in it" and I'm just going to ride it out with a positive attitude. I've got one set of Samhain bags done, the other set halfway done. I finally figured out the big problem at work (or, rather, the person who should have figured it out originally fixed it) so I can relax a bit there today (until the next fire) and after my sob-fest yesterday I doubt The Husband will be anything other than helpful.
Tomorrow I have a Samhain celebration with a few other women. A few of them are ashtangis that I've never done anything with socially so it will be nice to see if I can connect with females through this practice since, even through homebirth, breastfeeding and attachment parenting, I wasn't able to find common ground with women.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:43 AM | Comments (3)
October 25, 2004
Crisis Mode
This week is just going to be one of those weeks. I was all set to do Mysore Tuesday and Thursday but I don't think its going to happen and not because The Husband isn't adjusting his schedule to give me the time but because I am in absolute hell at work. I have spent probably the better part of 48 hours troubleshooting an issue. You see what I do is technically mission critical so when a process isn't working, it isn't like I can blow it off. This morning, around 10, I was so stressed I literally cried. I just put my head on my desk and cried. No, I sobbed. I sobbed and I sobbed. I felt alone and confused. Alone because the person I needed help from told me they didn't know and confused because I was sure it was a problem in that arena of technology. I'm not an idiot and I don't often shirk responsibilities nor back down from tasks but I was literally ready, if someone had offered me enough money that i need to bring home, I'd have quit right then and there.
It hasn't helped that The Husband and I have been having, yet another, of our own communication crisis. I'm sure its hard to live with me... as hard as it is to live with him. We are polar opposites in many ways and, yet, best friends. The Husband is supportive of me in ways that no one else ever would be and, yet, we miss each other in some avenues where we most need support. I see things missing in our relationship and I wonder what life would be like if I actually had those things... sometimes I overlook that the grind of any marriage probably makes those things seem less important for people that have them (I don't know, I'm guessing here).
On top of the week from hell at work, the week from hell with my husband, I didn't realize or, rather, forgot, that this is parent-conference week for The Daughter and next week for The Son... this means that the whole freaking delicate balance of life is now completely thrown out the window thanks to half days and no days of school. I forgot that due to parent/teacher conferences, I had to have The Daughter's class Halloween bags done tonight (I mean, I am room mom and all). I forgot all the responsiblities I had outside of work... now I'm playing catchup. It seems like every week is getting away from me. I actually could make Mysore tomorrow if I could get home by 11. I'm still working on someone who can maybe take The Daughter for 45 minutes so I can make that happen.
On top of all that stress, I found something on my cervix that has me convinced I'm probably dying from cancer (halfway kidding). I called an obstetrician today because, well, I figured I needed one... "We're sorry, there are no appointments available until the end of January!" Shit, I'm glad I'm not dying or anything! Absolutely fucking ridiculous. I explain to the nurse what I feel is wrong and I know they blew me off because she was like "Well, how do you know what your cervix feels like?" Um, hello, it doesn't take a fucking doctor to know one's own body (sorry OKRGR). She said she'd talk to the doctor but called me back shortly and said she was still sorry but there was no way they could fit me in. Uhuh, right. So I did the thing I should have done originally, I called my midwife's practice... they have a CNM on staff and can do paps and PapSure's. I'm assuming if anything looks wrong, backing it up with a test will give me at least some leeway with an actual medical doctor. Of course, I have to pay for it... but, hopefully, we'll be changing to a PPO shortly.
Welcome Week From Bloody Hell... please make yourself scarce next week.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:18 PM | Comments (6)
October 24, 2004
THAT'S Why I'm Here
Yesterday I practiced in the morning... I got up, ate a single egg and a pear and a cup of chai. I've figured out that that amount is perfect... I have enough energy to practice and without anything I wither like a flower out of water. We stuck to the series through standing throwing in hanumanasana as well and I was having a pretty good practice. Our teacher had told us before class that we were going to be working on pincha mayurasana which I sorta dreaded because I've never been able to get my feet over my head in that pose. We did some research poses for it, variations of headstands opening up shoulders, flattening out using the wall, etc. I was pleasantly surprised when, against the wall, I actually got my feet over my head for the full pose on the first try and it wasn't even hard. I was able to move my feet off the wall and hold it for a couple breaths even.
We had a birthday party for a neighbor last night so I had a couple glasses of wine knowing that I couldn't practice today. I felt like crap after them. :( We have a school carnival today so no practice this morning but I will be, it appears, able to do Mysore twice this week... not sure of the days yet.
I'm reading the Ram Das book Living the Bhagavad Gita right now and I'm really really loving it. In this passage they are talking about karma essentially:
For me, it's still a surprise, although I can see the connections after the fact. Here's a little example. Maybe I'm invited to give a lecture in some small town somwhere. I won't really know what leads me to accept that particular invitation, but I do. I go there, I speak to the audience, and they don't seem particularly interested in what I have to say. I think to myself, "What am I doing here? Maharajji, what on earth did you have in mind?" I finish my talk, and I take a taxi to the airport; I've got half an hour before my flight leaves, so I go into thave a cup of coffee. I sit down, and somebody comes over and says, "May I share this table?" "Certainly. Sit down." Then we look into each other's eyes, and -- there it is! There's the connection that holds the whole meaning of the trip. In that moment, I know: "Oh -- far out! So that's what I'm doing in this town!"
The passage I am most grappling with, however, is:
Krishna contradicts that philosophy; he says, "Not by refraining from action does man attain freedom from action. For not even for a moment can a man be without action. Helplessly all are driven to action by forces born of nature. He who withdraws himself from actions but ponders on their pleasures in his heart, he is under a delusion."
That last line really gets to the core of it: "He who withdraws himself from actions but ponders on their pleasures in his heart [emphasis added], he is under a delusion." That's the one where you're busy not doing something. It's like when you meet somebody who has "Given Up Smoking!" -- and that's totally who they are. "Who are you?" "I'm somebody who hasn't smoked for two weeks, four hours, and thirty-two minutes." In their thought-forms, they're smoking at least a pack an hour!"
I totally get this but it's much harder to put into practice than not. The more I read of the Gita and the more I experience the openness of Hinduism the more I'm drawn into it. I've classified, when necessary, myself as Buddhist and I still feel that way but the idea of that nothingness in Buddhism always hindered a real deeply felt understanding. I'm seeing that Buddhism is a stauncher, whiter version of Hinduism that originated from India... It's interesting to me and I can't wait to learn more.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:10 AM
October 22, 2004
Dork Adjustment
As you can see by the post I made earlier tonight I had planned to discuss adjustments but my kids were going haywire and there is no chocolate to be found in my house....
I was going to tell you all about the wonderful adjustments that Kiran did in yesterdays class and how very different my body feels after 2nd than after 1st but I'm beginning to think I'm just too tired to get into it.
So let me only say that probably one of the best adjustments I have ever had was yesterday when Kiran sat on me in Behkasana... she sat on my butt and pulled my shoulders back and it was lovely and felt totally awesome. Since the class was small, Kiran was able to adjust us in most poses individually which was nice and made learning it much easier... Kiran's little son was also on the mat next to me and watching his little body contort was beautiful. He looks so much like his dad but he's definitely a little yogi -- only he didn't want to do one my favorite poses Mari D. ;)
I am off to find something to provide me a semblance of normal ife.. .probably reading Ram Dass Living the Gita...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:11 PM
Adjustments
I didn't get to practice today.... I can guilt my husband into coming home early from a business meeting a hour or so away one day but I can't accomplish that two days in a row... so, alas, I spent the day in the other form of yoga that I do -- The Yoga of Parenting. Parenting was yoga today because I had so many problems at work that were 100% my responsibility, mission critical and, frankly, not working as they should be leaving a few users, well, unable to function adequately (oh, wait, I'm supposed to call them customers *gag me with a spoon*). Balancing act was done as such "Honey, yes, just give me a couple more minutes, I promise I'm almost done... if you would just let me finish I could be done and then, yes, we can read the Sita Ram (The Story of Divali - Barefoot Book) book," said about 50 times.
I took my son to school today and one of the little girls in his class was having some leaving mom issues. It just so happens that this little girl and I had a nice conversation during one of my volunteer days -- she was sitting on my lap during her reading interview (where we make sure they understood the book they took home) and somehow we got on the subject of her bracelet, I think she mentioned it, and she told me that it was "religious" and I said "Hindu?" and she said "Yes - you REALLY need one, its for good luck!" and I said "Well, did you make it?" (it was a piece of red string with something on it) and she said "No, my grandfather got it for me in India" and I said "oh, well, then I probably can't get one." So today when I saw her having issues I bent down and told her how The Son, The Daughter & I had read a book on Divali and I asked her if she celebrated Divali. She said yes and her mom smiled and I said "You know I asked The Son if he would ask you about your celebrations, do you think you could go and tell him all about the things you do to celebrate?" So she hugged her mom, ran into class... and her mom and I introduced ourselves (neither of us, apparently, does drop offs regularly) and her mom asked after the conversation and I indicated that we were not Hindu but we enjoyed reading about and experiencing all different religions but that we were mostly Buddhist, I guess, if you had to name it. She invited us over next week and I thought that was so sweet. My son is clearly out of the "playing with girl" stage so it might be something he isn't interested in but it was really nice to make pleasant contact with another mom in this neck of the woods... I'm quite often just not on the same page as the other mothers and the "Healthy Choices" thing probably isn't going to help much ;0 I mean, afterall, take away sugar and, to some parents, you're taking away childhood *where is that spoon*
So, my kids are fighting behind me... I should probably interrupt with some kind and thoughtful words but, frankly, I'm burned out and I feel like writing one more sentence probably isn't going to make a difference... where's that chocolate?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:19 PM | Comments (2)
October 21, 2004
2nd Brain
Tonight the beautiful Kiran taught an Intro to 2nd Series class at PAC. I wore layers on layers to get some heat going since it isn't heated and not usually particular warm in there. I am so burnt out today -- its been an absolutely crazy day (to give you an idea, I actually took a conference call in the middle of a parking lot while my daughter did gymnastics) -- that I'm not going to over-analyze it. I will say though that I was incredibly surprised to be able to touch my toes in kapotasana (with Kiran helping me to get down) and even keep my elbows together enough that I could see them both. I will reiterate that I have no upper body strength. I was able to get both legs behind my head but they don't stay there if I let go. I was able to maintain my breath but that's because we went a lot slower than Tim does Friday nights and Kiran graciously helped each of us through most of it. Oh and I was able to do pasasana fairly easily with a towel under my heels (I know, a no no) although I couldn't get my hips lifted too much. I realized about halfway through that my head had the same feeling it had the last time I did an Intro to 2nd Series class. Almost a headache/head rush sensation... opening up the head....
Tomorrow will be another crazy day with little time for anything except running from one task to another.... but I did order the new Baron Baptise book (before you groan..it looks so cute, a Barefoot Book, and I LOVE Barefoot Books they are the utmost and if you have kids and you into spirituality, they have some great finds, including a couple Hindu books... the Devali one is absolutely beautiful).
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:33 PM | Comments (2)
October 20, 2004
A Plate of Pasta
The life of a mom who often gets her yoga classes scrubbed out of the schedule goes something like this:
This morning The Husband stayed home from work because I had a date with the PTA which I mentioned yesterday. So early this morning I get up and present with another mom why the school should care about the amount of sugar our kids are receiving... and it went splendidly..much better than we even anticipated, no one really fought us and we now have a committee which I am co-chairing called "Healthy Choices for Children" from which we will, hopefully, launch awareness of the issue and provide alternatives to the sugar drop our kids are getting. Anyone with ideas, let me know. Anyone who owns businesses selling alternatives, healthy options, talk to me about wholesaling.. I am now in the market!
After that I went to our HFS and pretended to be vegetarian again... buying everything I used to buy... it was fun and I felt much freerer in my soul for it (is that a word?). I came home and had a nice vegetarian snack of PB&J (I actually bought bread, sprouted bread, which I haven't done in a long time) then lunch was some sushi. Around 2 I ate a snack of a pear and a single hardboiled egg all in preparation for yoga -- which I had planned to do with Kiran at Prana or AYC depending on when I could leave. Unfortunately, neither of those options happened when an issue came up at work. So plan B was Michelle's 7pm class at PAC... and if you'll note the time it is now 6:50 and I'm not going to make it... I'm in the middle of a huge upload that I can't leave in the middle of because it is mission critical. I simply didn't get my work done on time... or, rather, I have more work than a single person can really handle.
The Husband yells downstairs to me that there is some pasta left so I get a plate... I haven't eaten pasta in.. well, a long time. Normally The Husband makes the kids pasta on yoga nights because I don't eat pasta.... so its sorta wierd to be eating it. What I notice is that pasta does nothing but make me more hungry. I like the taste of it but it seems to do nothing for me.
Tomorrow is shot... The Husband is up in Irvine for the day but he promises to be home before 6pm so I can make Kiran's class. Friday is hosed because he's up in Irvine again (he's only coming home so I can do yoga).... The life of a mother... wife... friend... worker-bee and now Co-Chair of the Healthy Choices Committee at Public school... room mom at preschool... could I add anymore to my plate (at least it isn't pasta)?
By the way, one of my old teachers is traveling including in India and I noticed today that he has a travel log going at Octopus Yoga which some of you might be interested in.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:47 PM | Comments (8)
October 19, 2004
Samhain Approaching
In the time before last year when I went back to work I was so in touch with the seasons, with the moon days... before, even, I began the practice of ashtanga, being in touch with the cycles of the Earth was so important to me. For every cross-quarter, we celebrated. We celebrated Yule, we celebrated Samhain, we even celebrated Beltane and Mabon... I would get out the decorations, I had big parties of people who were spiritual in their parenting, in bringing that world of season to our children's lives. I realized tonight, when BOO'd by a neighbor (boo is a game... a neighbor places a "treat" on your doorstep, rings the doorbell and runs... you get the "treat", you stick on note on your door that says BOO! then you create a treat for another neighbor and so honor them... I truly live in this very small little Stepford-neighborhood...its great and wonderful and sorta tribal... but at the same time a bit creepy), that I've lost that sense of oneness with the Earth. Where I used to be staunch about certain choices, I've loosened up a bit and I'm not entirely sure I like it. Where I used to be focused on other forms of spirituality, I've essentially given up most of those too and I'm not entirely sure I don't feel there is place for it all. In speaking of Yogaholics on the EZBoard, I guess its the same thing but these are things I really do want to hang onto of the person I am. So I vow to have a small Samhain celebration. In year's past we invited friends and loved ones, we had everyone bring a dish representing their ancestors, we laid pictures of our ancestors out and we each told a story about someone who had passed so that our kids will know where they come from and who they are. I don't know that I can get as elaborate as I used to... I have so many responsibilities now to the kids, to my husband, to myself and to my job but I vow to have someone (I have no idea who :>) over for dinner on Samhain and find, again, that really Earth-centered spiritualness, if not for me, for my kids. If you were outside tonight here in Southern California, after the gnarly but very cool rains, you probably know what prompted this spurt... it was so incredibly beautiful and different.
Tomorrow morning I engage with the PTA over providing sugar to kids in school. I won't get on my soapbox because I'm sure most of you can guess just about exactly how the speech will go... but wish me luck nonetheless.
It looks like the schedule is changing again and I may be doing Mysore W & F... Hopefully starting next week. I'm very excited but also worried about how two days of Mysore will throw off the rest of my practices. If I can only practice at night on Tuesday for example, well, I couldn't because I don't have the stamina to practice at night and then again early morning... I'm going to have to massage this schedule to get the right fit.
Tonight I went to sit in our jacuzzi and as I was sitting there I noticed this horribly sore spot on my back. I touched it and it was noticeably inflammed compared to the other side of my spine. Bizarre! Does inflammation like that happen from... what... injury during practice? Too hard a practice? Really wierd.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:49 PM | Comments (1)
October 18, 2004
The Difference A Day Makes
This morning was the start of our new and, as of yet to be worked out, schedule. The Husband had to get up and go into the office so I got up to take The Son to school (note that 3 moms said to me "We never see you up this early" and a father said "Yea, I don't even know you" -- where's the hanging head in shame icon?) then decided to get in a practice with the 9am class at PAC. (by the way it is POURING down rain right now..it's so cool) The class gets really crowded and I haven't taken a class with this teacher in probably a year or more... she used to stick mostly to ashtanga but I had heard that lately she's doing a bit of anusara so I wasn't sure what to expect.
I got up at 6:45 this morning, ate a single egg, a bowl of watermelon and half a cup of chai. I felt much stronger and like my brain was functioning nearing class. We started off very traditional - 5As and 5Bs... I was strong and normal again. Then I proceeded to just have an amazing first part of the practice. Everything was in synch -- my breath, my bandhas, my flexibility, my strength. I was in such a meditative state... then we veered off... We started with tree pose before Utthita Hasta Padagusthasana but instead of Ardha Baddha Padmottanasna we need a sorta modification, ankle over knee, sorta squatting, hands on ground. At one point she said we could do a balance pose by lifting off the ground but, of course, me, I can't figure out how to do any of those things. From there we did Utkatasana and then off into lunge, pidgeon, hanumanasana sequence. After that we did Gomukhasana A&B followed by Ustrasana, a backbend sequence of Viparita Dandasana, twice, third time lifting one leg then the other.... Then 3 regular backbends -- on the third one we held for 10 breaths and the teacher came over and really pushed my shoulders open (Cameron, I think you might be dead on) which was oh so awesome... I think maybe my shoulder thing is less flexibility in the shoulders and more the fact that the hyperextension in my elbows makes my arms turn wierd which is torquing the extension of my shoulders.... I could really feel that sorta twist when she was helping... not sure how to deal with that. At this point I was thinking, okay, well we skipped the entire first series sequence -- what's up with that... when she had us do Navasana. Good Goddess, navasana is excruciating after one has already done backbends. Following Navasana we did shoulderstand, halasana, karnapidasana and then some standard wind down poses that most hatha classes do. A good class but given the beginning I would have loved to have seen how far I could have gone in first series today.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:40 AM
October 17, 2004
Pale Enough To Faint
This morning was, as is kindly referred to by a few friends, "The Church of Tim" -- except in today's case, Tim was gone so Rich and Kiran were in class. I'm really afraid actually of the chance of getting to Mysore in the mornings -- one reason is simply the ego but the other half is I just don't know what I'll do about food! This morning, with class at 10am, I didn't eat. The problem is my body needs food. I need food. If I don't have food, I have no strength and no energy. My husband often says he's never met someone like me, I love food and my body changes, my moods change, when I eat. I'd think I was hypoglycemic if I didn't know better... the fact that I have hypothyroidism could, very well, have something to do with all this but, I digress. When I got to AYC this morning I was talking with a friend and noticed this other woman out of the corner of my eye who used to be in my woman's spirituality group. If you read back a couple years you'll read about the really difficult time I had trying to integrate with women, finding a circle of women (it never happened for me, in case you don't want to read for yourself ;>). Anyway, I felt a little odd with her there as she still knows a lot of those women... When we started practice I thought I would die. I must have looked horrible because my friend next to me actually said she thought I was going to pass out. I couldn't do anything.. my arms felt like lead weights, my back was tight... I think this is from lack of eating... So I'm nervous.. how does one make it through Mysore without eating? I'm sure its just another block on my road that I have to get through... another path to discover... but right now all I want to do is pass out :)
After practice we went out to breakfast. One of the girls is also going to Maya Tulum and it looks like, if I book the flight I was looking into, we'll be on the same one. I think I forgot to mention that Maya Tulum is on again with the new change in The Husband's jobs since he can take the week off work. Now to find someone to help out while Guruji is in town -- yes this mother has to start looking months in advance.
Last night I had all these wonderous insights into life... I took a hot bath which always gives me time to think. I thought it was funny though that every so often I'd come back to the original thought.. I wonder what the practice really is... to never leave the focus, to leave and come back within so many minutes or to just be able to come back..I guess pushing for more is the practice though.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:31 PM | Comments (4)
October 16, 2004
Its All About Stamina
This morning's practice was just okay. Sun Sals started out with dread... my body was weak, my arms just didn't want to cooperate. I was down on myself for the lack of stamina and strength I've developed over the course of my dwindling practice... remembering back to the time before I started working again when I was practicing 5-6x a week... the hurdles crossed then and the tortoise pace I'm at now are obscene. After Sun Sals, my teacher told us we were going to work on handstands. We did a handstand after every asana set. The girl next to me has been going to AYC for the past two months and her practice shows it. She learned to do tripod to bakasana, up and then back to bakasana and jumping back. She learned to get up into handstand without a wall and she said she's pretty close to up in backbends and can now drop back. I was sad. For whatever reason I am unable to get up in a handstand two legged. For whatever reason, I am just unable to "jump" two footed.. even if this is in downward dog, facing a wall, trying to jump my feet to level... I just can't jump. I'm very "bottom heavy" but clearly this must be something else. The handstands between asanas, of course, tired me even further than I already was... my wrists get sore, well, wrist, my one bad one, after awhile of handstands anyway. The entire practice I was aware of Neti's endeavors with the breath so I was paying attention. My inhales are much shorter than exhales and I was trying to even them out. I noticed that in standing this is very hard for me but in seated I have a much easier time. When my teacher called out Mari C I almost stood to attention...fresh in my mind the respect for the posture. I was pretty much floored when the first side was uneventful... by uneventful I mean that it was painless. That's the first time Mari C has been painless in months and months. I even wiggled around a bit trying to find the pain but it wasn't there... I could bind wrists and twist fully without issue... I was thinking miracle of mindfulness... the other side, however, showed me that I'm only halfway to whatever realization needs to come. The second side was still painful, though not as distinct as it has been... I was able to bind but not turn so far. Time to figure out what is going on in there. From about half of standing through to Maris I really needed to pee. My first Navasana I couldn't even hold it so I ended up getting up and running to the restroom (which is down the hall) and missing the whole sequence. I very rarely have that happen and I couldn't decide when to leave... it was like picking the part of the practice I didn't want to do... I wouldn't have left at Navasana except I couldn't hold my banda at all. My backbends were pretty pitiful... I was tired and strung out and I couldn't find the breath. After the first three, the teacher told us if we were pretty bendy in the backbend and could get into a handstand to face the wall, go into a handstand and walk down into the backbend. My fear of not hitting the wall with my feet on the handstand was pretty surfaced but I tried it anyway. The first attempt my fear kept me too close to the wall and I couldn't get down. The second attempt I was still a bit too close I think but was able to successfully go down and come back up and over to standing. When my teacher came over after the next to help me to standing, I was basically limp. I feel this total setback with backbending... I don't know why. Closing sequence absolutely sucked for me today... it wasn't methodically, gracious or relaxing. My back was sore, my stomach was growling and the spot from my car accident was in that spot where it won't budge. So I was surprised when I was actually able to lower my legs halfway down in headstand -- something I usually struggle with. It was likely because we only held the initial headstand for 15 breaths and I still had some strength.
My body is now starting to peel... its horribly gross. My daughter even said "WHAT IS THAT Mommy?" My brain feels like it is ready to just come off my head. My heart feels like it is in a downward spiral. Its seasonal perhaps, a sign of something bubbling to the surface...a clue that some path is ready to unfold.
After practice we went to lunch and my husband and I were talking -- we watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind last night. It was probably one of the best love stories I've ever seen but I'm not sure I can go with the whole premise. I thought it was lovely. I thought what they were saying was, in many ways, dead on. I think, however, that as people we are constantly changing and growing (well those of us that want to) and whomever we are will has to be able to see and grow too else the stagnation of years builds up and that leads to divorce. The movie was probably pretty timely for me and The Husband sure seemed to have some massive feeling from it. I'm still processing it.... I'm not sure about the whole thing yet. That conversation led The Husband to bring up the fact that I'm much happier when I'm practicing all the time. When I'm not disappointed that I only made practice 3 times or that I've missed another day.... With the whole job switch, things were looking grim but we've had yet another job switch (which I don't feel like going into right now) but it looks like The Husband might have some flexibility. The schedule we laid out today includes Monday and Wednesday Mysore class provided that I can get home closer to 9 than 9:30. That should be doable and I'll just have to mention to Tim that I might go faster than slower for that reason. I don't know what I'll do the other days but I guess it doesn't matter if I can make two days of Mysore. He, of course, still has to pass this schedule by his new boss and see if it flies. We should know that this Monday and can maybe implement it in the next couple of weeks. If I can do Mysore M/W at AYC... I could probably still do the Friday evening led 1st series at our club. Sunday is either an AYC or a PAC day depending on if PAC is having led first... so that's four. I just have to figure out how to get a T/TH practice in... The Daughter has gymnastics at 9am so I couldn't do the 7am First Series at AYC since I wouldn't get back in time to take her even though The Husband could stay home until 9am. TH morning is second series and we all know I'm not doing that ;) PAC doesn't have T/TH ashtanga classes. So it may be that I do M/W Mysore. F/Sun led first and Saturday PAC class at 10... which is ashtanga but, like today, could get some mix up. At least I'm up to 5 days per week in that scenario and still meeting everyone's needs. We'll see what happens..send positive vibes that Mysore happens for me.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:59 PM | Comments (1)
October 15, 2004
The Pain Of Opening...
I was reading Cameron's blog tonight and I just had what I think might be an ephiphany....
For the past, oh few months, I've had this really difficult thing going on inside my hip. The only asana that sends me reeling is Mari C. Mari C has always been a relatively easy pose for me... long arms, hyperextended elbows means binding hand to wrist has never been hard. Mari D is one of my absolute favorite asanas because that twist is so deep and wonderful. But lately I've had this horrendous pain, very, very deep in the hip..in that crease of the bent knee leg. In fact, there are many days now when I just simply can't do it out of pain. The epiphany is that all this time I've never respected that asana. It seemed easy and "warm-up" to me and I can honestly say I've never probably put like every single mind moment of focus into it like I do something like Mari D. This is my body screaming at me to stop and see something and I'm not respecting it at all. Wow.. talk about sit up and take notice.
Tonight I was so very very sad. Turns out the regular led first series class was canceled in favor of a breast cancer event. Without the courage to go back to the Intro to 2nd, I couldn't find a class to take its place on a Friday evening and oh was I just heartbroken. I feel like my brain is about to explode I have so much going on in it and I just *needed* to interlude of the full first series. That's my time.. that's the ashtangi... the part where it is just me... the only time I feel divorced in energy from my kids, my husband, my job.... It's not that I have any desire to undo the co-mingling of energies that are ours for our lifetimes, it's just those few moments on the mat are the only time when it truly is just about yourself.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:21 PM
Goodness
I was just playing with my daughter and I said to her "You are the best little girl in the whole wide world... how did you get to be so great?" She was laughing... we were hugging and I said again "How did you get to be so great?" She looked me in the eye and said "I learned all kinds of good things from you Mommy!" Did you hear my heart break?
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:03 PM | Comments (3)
Its All In The Interpretation
This morning I mistakenly rushed my daughter to her ballet class only to discover that in my exhaustion I messed up start times with her gymnastics classes... With a half hour to kill we walked down to Starbucks for some coffee... me in my "I'm Blogging This" t-shirt... The nice Starbucks drug pusher (oh, oops, I mean coffee maker) asked me if I was really blogging this... why, yes, I'm really blogging it.... Thanks for making my coffee this morning nice Starbucks man (if I had been thinking I would have looked or asked after your name...but, regardless, consider this your shout out!)... caffeined up and dance class over I sit here trying to work out yet another bug in my deployment. Today I feel a little wierd... not quite sick but just sorta, well, wierd. Led first series is tonight and I'm actually really excited to get a good practice in. Usually Friday's are good for me... let's hope this one is.
I was rereading a couple emails I sent last night... for the past 3 days I've been doing two things. One -- I keep missing things that are said to me, just not understanding what the implication of the words are until later. As an example someone said something a bit provacative to me the other day but I didn't get it until hours later when I relaying the conversation to someone else. Second, I keep saying things that can be construed one way or maybe a bit provacatively themselves in another way. For example, I sent an email telling someone something that I could see, on a re-reading, could have been construed in an almost lustful way when I was really actually talking about something completely industrious. It's almost like whatever moon we are in has my expressive and receptive communicative abilities completely messed up. I hope it rights itself sometime soon.
I read this poem last night by Rumi... and it made me think of something one of the Ashtangi's said to me the other night in SF:
Without a net, I catch a falcon
and release it to the sky, hunting
God. This wine I drink today was
never held in a clay jar. I love
this world, even as I hear the great
wind of leaving it rising, for there
is a grainy taste I prefer to every
idea of heaven: human friendship
Posted by ashtangagirl at 10:59 AM | Comments (1)
October 14, 2004
Those Ashtangis
Cameron, LostBoard (the, as of yet, non-blogging EZBoarder), myself and Neti
Ignore the fact that my face is so bright red...this is the burn, and very bad one, that I gave myself in Mexico.
And just because he wouldn't smile for the group shot...Neti with a smile:
Today was a brutal day actually. I rarely sleep well in hotels and I slept very poorly last night. Actually I was having these really vivid and somewhat inappropriate dreams that I kept waking from and thinking "Damn, I have to get back to sleep to finish that!" I'm one of those lucky dreamers that, usually, I can make that happen. Woke early and rolled out the mat... a couple downward dogs in and I thought "Well this blows..." I skipped off to my meeting with time to grab a coffee and then presented my speel to a big firm. I did a great job... in fact, I did a riot of a job... but I was sorta "warned" for lack of a better way to say it that I don't want to entertain the idea of going back to said firm... that the culture has changed and I should just do a consultant gig. We'll see what happens....
Here's to sleep tonight...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:45 PM | Comments (4)
October 13, 2004
EZBoard Ashtangis
This afternoon I jumped a plane and flew up to San Francisco. I'm not a very good flier. I realize that freaking out and being scared does nothing when I'm in the air... if the plane crashed, well, I'm fucked, right? Fortunately, the man next to me realized something in my body language (I'm not sure what because truthfully I was trying to hide my fear) and struck up conversation.... He started by asking after my tattoo... always fun to talk about... and proceeding to tell me about all of his tattoos and there were many. I don't know why I always feel surprised when some 30/40 something business professional tells me how their entire back and upper arms are covered in ink.... comraderie maybe.... I liked his philosophy... he basically got ink whenever he went on a really moving trip somewhere -- Maya Tulum, Amsterdam, Costa Rica, Hawaii... a living memory book almost.
At the airport I was greeted by an EZBoard Ashtangi who had offered to pick me up. I know him mostly via the fact that his blog is hosted at Ashtangi.NET and we had plans to meet two other EZBoarders for dinner.... The first thing I noticed was that I felt completely comfortable talking and being around this person... almost as if the very intimate soul part of yoga was just a given and that made the rest of a normal first meeting seem trivial. Second, I usually hate when people drive me... in fact, I almost declined the airport-pick-up offer because I'm obsessive about doing my own driving (wipe the smirk off your face you people --- B, D and Angel).... surprisingly, by the time we were passing over the bridge I was actually complimenting his driving and with that, letting go of that control factor -- unusual for me. When we (finally) found my hotel, we met up with another Ashtanga blogger who looked entirely different than what I imagined.... I always find it fascinating that we make a mental picture of people based on their words and how that picture can be so entirely different than reality. For dinner we met up with another EZBoarder (but, as of yet, non-blogger *tsk tsk* and, as a result, no link) and had easy conversation over sushi. I love hearing about how other people internalize this practice and bring it into their lives. I brought my mat for Mysore practice in the morning but with moon day for all of the SF Ashtangi's tomorrow and a couple drinks... practice will likely be short and sweet in my room followed with my meeting at my old firm and a hop to the airport (sadly with a tad less professional driving than my Ashtangi Taxi). Nothing could be more fascinating than connecting with individuals over this thing, this practice that is so much of my life. Namaste to you all.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 11:42 PM
October 11, 2004
Cabo Wabo Redux
Friday morning we left for Cabo... In all actuality, we don't stay in Cabo, we stay outside of Cabo in the corridor much closer to San Jose del Cabo than Cabo San Lucas which is a good thing because on the plane we learned that we just happened to be going down south on the same weekend as Sammy Hagar's Big Birthday Bash (i.e., lots and lots of aging rockers drunk off their asses acting like children -- or at least, that's the impression we got). We stayed at the Marquis Los Cabos just like last year (this year we got 50% off the bill since we stayed last year when it was still under construction -- a rockin' deal).
The best thing about Cabo is that it is only a two hour flight... this means we were at the pool just after lunch. Towards the afternoon I picked a spot to do some yoga... I was incredibly strong and bendy for some reason -- like way more strong than I normally am. I was practicing in the sun for the first half and it was extremely hot so that might have had something to do with it. I did learn a valuable yoga lesson... I'm not always a lover of savasana. Sometimes I'm just ancy to get home... especially if I'm at AYC because it takes so much time for me to go there. I learned that NOT doing savasana SUCKS. I learned that doing savasana is absolutely necessary.
Night 1 rocked until sometime in the middle of the night when I woke up with what I believe was some sort of food poisoining. Holy Cow was it horrible... and I mean horrible. I swore to myself, even after 4am passed by and I was still horribly ill that Day 2 would not be ruined and I was able to pull it together though I did eat lightly and tread lightly... I laid out my yoga mat, did a downward dog and said "Uh, not going to happen!" My stomach was so messed up from the night before it was fluttering the first time I asked it to have some action.
Day 3 rocked... into the groove, feeling good again... Our days consisted of lounging by the pool, taking a dip, ordering lunch, diving in the ocean (warm warm warm water), lounging by the pool, taking a nap, practicing yoga (in The Husband's case, he worked out), showers, dinner, bedtime (yes I'm skipping all the no-kids-in-sight-sex-parts). LUXURY for parents is having 4 days with no kids... to just sit. No expectations, no adventures..just sitting.. good book in hand (in my case, that book was The Twentieth Wife.. highly recommend it, fantastic.. I can't wait to pick up the sequel tomorrow).
Night 3 we went to dinner at the restaurant we found last year, Tequila, and, again, had an amazing time there... truly fantastic restaurant if you are ever in Cabo.
Day 4 we tried to recapture the backbend picture from last year... I discovered how fantastically hard it is to hold a decent backbend when the water has come up around your arms and made the sand squish out from under you....
Kukkutasana -- normally I can do this very well, legs up to elbows but I was having a difficult time getting up on the very edge of a not-flat-rock... we were just goofing around here... but it was fun to try....
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:52 PM | Comments (4)
October 7, 2004
Hasta
I leave early in the morning for my trip to Mexico. I am so excited. You parents will understand that the thought of 3 days sans children (they are going to Disneyland) is luxurious. I didn't get to practice last night as I had to finish up some work so I could go and today will be spent doing all the last minute stuff one has to do before shipping two kids off with Grandma to Disneyland and leaving the country. I can't wait to get there and roll out my mat by the beach like I did last year... it was so great. I have so many things to remember -- like charging the iPod, finding a good book.... it'll be a busy day.
Back to blogging when I get back.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:57 AM | Comments (2)
October 5, 2004
Returning To The Mother of Us All
When I was giving birth to The Daughter I had prepared so long for it. I looked at The Daughter's birth as the event in my life that would give me what I had lost from or never knew about my soul. Having never been much of a "girl," her birth showed me what being a female was really all about. The fierce mama protection, the crack of your heart breaking not only for the sad times but also the good ones -- another piece of it gone already... I put so much of myself in really feeling my own personal power for that event. Having a homebirth requires deep knowledge and respect for the process of birth and yourself and the experience was truly as life changing, as soul changing as what I had anticipated or, maybe, wanted. Tonight I ripped the CD by Jennifer Berezen called Returning. I first heard it when I was pregnant with The Daughter in a massage therapists office... it's this amazingly strong feminine song that, for about a half hour sings "Returning to the mother of us all" over and over. At certain points other females sing/chant in other languages what is clearly this powerful female spirit. It was my first choice of music when I labored with The Daughter and it always makes me recall her birth and the strength that I got from it as a person and as a girl. I think that integration of my spirit, the female part, changed relationships in my life dramatically and that's been an interesting transformation and a longer realization than, maybe, it should have been. I actually like the female side of me now... embrace it... get my toes painted and put those little flowers on my big toe. I always thought I'd be the mother of boys... but The Daughter's pregnancy, such a journey into my own, her birth a reclaiming... a returning... made me see that I was capable of finding the intimacy of being a girl. That's a cool thing.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:26 PM | Comments (2)
October 4, 2004
Flow Class
Today I got my new computer... I'm typing on it now... 3.6mhz, 2gig mem, RAID drive, speakers with a big subwoofer box thingy.. in other words, it rocks! However, getting a new computer puts me out of commission until I get all my stuff loaded again so I debated yoga tonight but, in the end, the need for meditation won out... Unfortunately, for me, the class tonight was a sub and we did more of a flow class than an ashtanga class. Surya Namaskara C which always throws me for a loop... just doing postures facing the other direction freaks me out. We included half moon pose and the twisting version.... Once we got to seated we did a bit of second series which was fun but having to look around takes me outside of the meditational quality of ashtanga and the programmer in me, the black & white, this is how things are piece of me, hates doing anything else. My backbends seems super loose tonight which surprised me because my back has been feeling a bit tight lately. I didn't know the flow of the class so though I did a bit of rocking, I didn't even attempt a stand up. No matter, it still just hasn't clicked in my brain how to get my hands off the ground.
I've spent the day eating Indian food left-overs courtesy of Laproxdoc and JumpsThruSomeday (+Ted). Yummy! Unfortunately we had a bit of a freak out attack when we thought we detected poppy seeds on the nan and The Husband having to go for a drug test today for SBC....
Which leads me to ... I am now officially a mom home with daddy going to work in an office (where is the freak out icon). I am insistent, however, that I am going to turn this into a positive. I'm going to find my own groove.... and, with all the good intentions coming through, find someone to help me in the mornings and do Mysore at AYC 3x a week... wouldn't that be grand to find the silver lining. I think The Husband is excited to get back in front of customers and do the business thing -- I mean, even I would be excited... I love what I do for a living even though I'm taking the "peon" route right now making far less than I should be and just doing minor work... I hope he loves it.
Back to loading up this monster box...
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:02 PM
October 3, 2004
Fun Yoga Day
This morning I got up to go to the church of Tim that I might meet JumpsThruSomeDay from the EZBoard and her husband. They called out to me as I was getting out of my car and they just reaffirmed that really nice people practice yoga. Orkgr showed up, along with Laproxdoc and the lovely Kiran assisted. I was up front with LA and I had a difficult time avoiding accidentally turning on the CD player ;) My long legs were just itching to accidentally either turn it on or smash it to oblivion. I felt pleasantly at home at the class today instead of like someone who never goes there ... I still don't think of myself as someone who goes there but at least I get to sometimes now as The Daughter gets older. My practice itself wasn't amazing but pretty good for 3 moon days off. I was feeling this horribe aching feeling in my right very low back/side and I wasn't sure what it was about for a bit of the mid-section...ending standing/beginning sitting... I never figured it out but it, thankfully, went away. Tim told me to give a hint of a smile twice... or, at least, it felt to me like he was talking to me.. right when I was struggling such as that last navasana. After we were going to coffee at the new place next door and then with LA and JumpsThruSomeDay to dinner tonight at Bombay. It wasn't until dinner that I found out I had actually met JMS at class too but didn't know it was him. He has a really beautiful tattoo done by someone here locally which I had admired but didn't know it was he... Dinner was, by the way, quite nice. JumpsThru and her husband are inspiring people and LA so brilliant (and generous!)...
Tomorrow is d-day... likely the day we find out if The Husband will be decided to work in an *gasp* office! I know, for most of you, that's pretty normal and sane but we are literally freaking out. Having been "home" for 11 years... it's like a whole different society in office buildings (that, on the one hand, doesn't involve sharing issues (oh wait, scratch that), sibling rivalry (oh wait, scratch that), tattletaling (oh wait, scratch that)... okay, okay, I guess it is a bit like being home with a 6 and 3 year old... but still another world altogether.
As for me, the change is tremendous. In fact, I don't even know what the hell I will do as a parent home all day with kids by myself. I know so many incredible moms who do it but I've actually never done it. The Husband's always been home. I may, well, will actually, be trying to find someone like my yoga teacher who comes a couple afternoons a week. She's moving out of the country and I need some help for work. I'm putting the intention out there for the perfect solution to pop up. It'll come... it always does.... and if we think it doesn't, we just pretend it was all meant to happen that way anyway.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:05 PM | Comments (1)