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August 16, 2004
Always Something
I went to practice tonight unsure of whether I should... the bad news is that I haven't felt quite right since I was sick. I pretty much find myself throughout my days wondering if I'm getting sick again, am still sick or am just imagining it all. I'm crazy at work, crazy as a parent and pretty much non-existent as a wife at the moment. I went anyway...having been glued to my computer working out an enormous architecture for my XSL document automation solution, my mind was boggled and I thought it would do me good.
So, first things first.... first, I found a new hairdo that I just dig for yoga...up until backbends. I always struggle with what to do with my hair but tonight I put it in a ponytail then braided the ponytail...worked very nicely until I needed to lay on my back and then it was simply in the way. Normally, once I get done with Sun Sals, the standing postures are a "relative break" for me, I get winded with the strength all the vinyasas require but tonight standing just drug me down and I realized that as one of the more advanced practitioners at the club, I get away with a lot of little movements that I might not somewhere else. I often get lightheaded coming up from the four forward bends in standing and have to catch my brain, hands on hips. Tonight I was having to do that almost between every standing asana. Very strange. And, while normally standing is easier for me, tonight sitting postures were a breeze right up until my teacher decided I wasn't putting enough effort, and he was right, into my vinyasas. A shaky start to a practice that ended up actually being very nice.
A lot of people ask me where the mommy-guilt comes from when it comes down to choosing my time for yoga. My daughter is amazing. She's a 3 year old in every respect but a very, very old soul. My 6 year old is phenomenally introspective and truly a new soul in this world. Mommy guilt hits me dead center when I come home from a yoga practice and find my daughter's leg completely mangled, bandaged from ankle to thigh :( from a run in with a rose bush.... and I hear how she screamed for me and wanted me.... I realize daddy was here, and actually my neighbor comforted her... but how horrible is it to know your child needed you and you weren't there. Albeit The Daughter is quite frequently getting herself into tangles with plants, concrete, towel bins, etc. She's always trashed and I kinda like that...she's no girly girl but strong and powerful like her middle name (Lilith) implies. I hate that I wasn't here for her when she needed me though... I feel selfish and ugly for it. At the same time I realize how important it is that I take time for myself.... yoga is my time.
I just planned a trip with my best friend for Seattle... it's sorta a birthday celebration, sorta a "first time we've ever gone somewhere together" trip (and he's been my best friend since we were 15!). I am totally psyched... we're staying at the W, I get to practice at the Ashtanga Yoga School and just possibly visit some teams at Microsoft. Forever 20 dammit.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:48 PM | Comments (14)