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August 13, 2004
Your Higher Self
I find it simply amazing how our higher selves know more about us and what we're doing than we do. Last night I simply could not fall asleep. I had gone out earlier in the evening with my best friend. We had some sushi and, for the first time in a very very long time, it felt like "old times" -- we even managed to call Schager on the phone and sorta pretend he was there at the table with us. It felt really good to be with my best friend... right. (more on that later)... so after coming home, finishing up some work, getting into bed, I could not sleep. SOMETHING was going on... a few hours later, about midnight, it dawned on me... I had missed a deadline for my presentation... getting up, padding downstairs, sitting in front of this box, I finished the tax, emailed it off... tried to return to bed but sleep would not come... Morning came all too soon. No sleep for me....
I debated practice tonight. I knew I was tired. I'm out of my mind crazy. Knowing I had to have the discpline I went... and, man, I was just completely off kilter. I could barely maintain balance. Strength waned. Flexibility is never much of a factor for me but I actually felt a wierd pull attempting kurmasana tonight. It just so happens that my teacher this evening decided we should do full vinyasas between sides!! I did them.. but I struggled. I could see how doing them could be very meditative though... its very intense. My backbends sucked but I did find an odd sense of strength and balance in shirasana...which is wierd for me since I normally feel weak there. I'm finding that to be more and more the case with my practice... if I'm having a really good practice, I struggle with the "hard poses for me" whereas, if I'm having a crappy practice, my harder poses tend to be easier and my easiest poses harder...go figure that one out.
Back to the rightness. For much of my awake time I look inward --- I do a lot of facing inward, over-analyzing, etc. I find that, at certain times, I go through what I call the "20 Year Old Stage" -- where I just like to blare my music (pulling up old stuff like Nine Inch Nails, Ministry -- stuff more "dark and brooding"), feel like a rebel... I've been in that mood lately. I often wonder what makes these moods...why I have them, what I "get" out of feeling this way. I haven't made heads or tails out of it but I will say that last night feeling like I was 20, driving down the freeway, Ministry blasting as loud as possible, feeling a bit high (okay I wasn't 20, wasn't driving down the freeway, Ministry was loud but not blasting...you get the picture) felt damn right... like me.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:14 PM | Comments (3)